Crummy Church Signs

But all of womankind is fair game...

2009-07-03T06:53:00.005-05:00

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. Leviticus 18:22"
submitted/post title by Dennis M.
Maybe this is Ellen's favorite Bible verse?

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"Where the wild things are!"
submitted by Rev. Charles S.
Special music by Tone Loc.

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"RUMMAGE SALE. Bag sale this Saturday 9-12. Bake sale Saturday"
submitted by Rev. Charles S.
In related news, tithing is down recently...

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"When the King of Pop meets the King of Kings."
seen here on Flickr//directed by Ironic Catholic

Oooohhhh....maybe they'll have a dance-off!!

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Finally, I need your help...I've hinted at it a bit, and those of you following me on Twitter know that I'm working on recording an album this summer. I'm recording all parts (guitar, bass, drums, keys, producing, engineering, mixing, etc.) except for the vocals. I'm planning a release date of September 29. Stay tuned to all the information by clicking the logo below and joining the Facebook group for the project, or follow the project on Twitter.

Look for details about the project to be released using the above channels and look for a new website for the project soon!

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Please practice safe friction:

2009-06-22T07:23:00.007-05:00

"When there is friction between two people a smile is a good lubricant."
submitted by frequent contributor Gavin R.
...and friction between three people is just plain sinful.

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"Don't wait on a hurst to take u to church"
submitted by M.M.
Actually, you can wait all you want. You're pretty much guaranteed a "hurst" will never take you anywhere.

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"Changing churches? Does it matter which one you stay home from?"
submitted by Glacial Spain
I think somebody's a little bitter about their declining attendance.

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"Help is on the way."
submitted by S.K. Sutton
...by.

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Take off, eh?

2009-06-15T07:37:00.004-05:00

"We salute our men & women who hose to serve"
submitted by L. L.
Isn't wearing hose when one serves part of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy?

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"Dinner & Movie Mar. 27. 'Passion of the Christ'"
submitted by Dee W.
The menu: Skewered Lamb

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"Practice make sperfect so be carful what you practice"
submitted by f.c. Chandler C.

For example, don't waste your time practicing things like spelling and spacing.

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"Out of your gourd and into the world"
seen here on Flickr. Directed by Ironic Catholic
Matt 5:13: "You are the squash of the earth. But if a squash loses its squashiness, how can it be made squashy again?"

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And finally, this fun little juxtaposition sent in by Shelley:

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A friend of mine has started a cool Twitter feed about crazy headlines from around the 'net...pretty funny stuff. Follow him here.

Oh, and follow me here. :)

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Guest Posting Today

2009-06-08T19:59:00.003-05:00

Today I'm over at Home Studio Corner with a review of some guitar pedals. Go give it a read (especially if you play bass or guitar!)

In news along those lines, look for some news in the next few weeks about my next creative project. Don't fear: I'm not abandoning the CCS blog, but I've got other big things in the works this summer.

Back soon...

Is that the book between Genises and Levitucis?

2009-06-02T19:36:00.008-05:00

"Unsettled lives in Gods hand. Exudos 3:7"
submitted/post title by Jeremy M.
I'd hate to see what they'd do to "Deuteronomy"

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"God's name may not be in it, but it is on it"
submitted by David T.
So...God's basically a glorified graffiti artist??

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"Over comer or luke warmers?"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
This sign makes me want to spit out of my mouth.

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"Christ is my stringth"
submitted by Talia K.
If I pastored my own church sign, I'd go to great 'lingths' to not look like a bunch of dumb-arses on our sign...

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"Maintain a spirit of peace and you'll save a thousand souls."
submitted by Alissa G.
Live a perfect life and die a substitutionary death, you're likely to save quite a few more souls than that...

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Sometimes, just when I get to the point of thinking it's time to wrap this blog up, I get a series of emails that let me know that it's time has not yet come. These all came to me within about a 36-hour window over the weekend. What crumminess. Thanks to all the submitters.

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And the greatest of these is....huh?!?

2009-05-29T07:24:00.005-05:00

"Faith goes up the stairs love has built & looks out the window hope has opened."
submitted by Laura
Well, tell Hope to close the window; I've got the air conditioning on down here.

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"God Is"
submitted/reviewed by frequent contributor SK Sutton
Please give generously so that we may purchase a new sign with room for a third line of text.

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"Remember! Those who died so we can have freedom!"
submitted by Maria C.
Yes Sir! You mean Jesus, sir?

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I could use your votes in the Mattress Police caption contest...head over here and pick out your favorite.

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Please ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for church...

2009-05-21T07:03:00.006-05:00

"Maximized Manhood"

submitted by f.c. Katherine T.
Matt 4:19 : "Come after me, and I will make you fishers of well-endowed men..."

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"Have you asked God for afesis today"
submitted by Aaron L.
Was someone dictating this sign, but then sneezed? What's 'afesis'?

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"Angel food ministries"
submitted/asst. reviewed by f.c. S.K. Sutton
Transubstantiation taken to a whole new level.

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"Garden for God. Turnip for church"
seen here on Flickr by f.c. Ironic Catholic
So funny I nearly soiled myself...

(Note...visit the Flickr site linked above to see some pretty funny puns submitted by users. Turns out there's no end to veggie jokes.)

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Here are the these church signs:

2009-05-12T07:15:00.009-05:00

"What are the these"
submitted/reviewed by f.c. S.K. Sutton
So the sign guy has a stutter?

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"Heavon or hell? It is all your choice"
submitted by frequent contributor Joe G.
However, the ability to spell correctly is completely providential...

(Yep...it was misspelled on both sides again...see the previous post for another example from the same church...)

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"Love is a fruit in season at al times"
submitted/reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
In the off-season, we make sure to ship it in from Mexico and South America...

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"Check us out at smvag.org"
submitted/reviewed by Andy C.
What an unfortunate website url....

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O For a Thousand Tougns to Sing...

2009-05-02T07:29:00.006-05:00

"One day every knee will bow and every tougn confess that Jesus Christ is Lord"
submitted by frequent contributor Joe G.
And as long as we don't have to confess with a written statement, it appears that much of Christendom will be OK...

Note: Joe says it was misspelled on both sides.

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"God wants to know ya'll better. If you have time. If not, He loves you anyway!"
submitted by Alissa G.
Aw, shucks...and when we die we all get to go to Mayberry, right?

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"Always remember that hell is uncool"
submitted by neatofx
Really? I heard it was one of the hottest places to be...

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"Free coffee, everlasting life - yes, membership has its priveleges"
submitted by frequent contributor Peter K.
'Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you -- caffeine?'

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"Prayer: The ultimate wireless communication"
submitted/asst. reviewed by S.K. Sutton
Unfortunately, God takes up a full THREE spots in my friends and family plan...

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I know I've done that last sign before, but something in the submission email sparked an idea that would make for a funnier review. So there ya go...

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The first contributor on this post also happens to be my brother-in-law...you should check out his new website, especially if you're into music or home recording...I've begun my own home studio on a small scale, and it's been a valuable resource to me: Home Studio Corner

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If you haven't yet, click the button below and follow me on Twitter.

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Do you mean "Jeebus Chirst"??

2009-04-20T20:15:00.013-05:00

"If you must compare yourself with someone compare yourself with Chirst."

submitted by Tasia A.
Point of comparison #1: I exist. "Chirst" doesn't.

Also, I love that this exchange apparently took place at some point:
SIGN COMPANY: What font would you like your church name in?
PASTOR: Comic Sans, baby!!

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"Your son: your mother. My God. My God."
submitted by Becky S.
I always do terribly on these analogy tests...

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"God said, 'I am who I am!' Follow me."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Or Popeye? Maybe it was Popeye who said that...

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"We don't read palms here: We wave them - on Palm Sunday, Hosanna to the King of Kings!"
submitted/asst. reviewed by Gene A.
We may not read palms on Palm Sunday, but you should see the sanctuary after Entrail Tuesdays...

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"When you are in Him and He is in you great things happen"
submitted by Randy B.
NEXT!

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"It is strange how skating on thin ice can get you in hot water."
submitted by Colin S.
I'm pretty sure this is how the Proverbs would have read if King Solomon had lived in Canada instead of Canaan.

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"When all else fails, trust God."
submitted/asst. reviewed by Mark B.

...but not a second before!

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OK, I Twitter now. At least, in theory I will. Follow me?

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Praized and Confused...

2009-03-26T15:59:00.008-05:00

"God loves weed, too"
submitted by Doug L.
...and we finally have an explanation for the platypus!

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"We practice human sacrifice"
submitted by Leslie O.
We're still practicing because we're not very good yet...we keep only maiming instead of sacrificing.

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"Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comforted."
submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy D.
To finish the quote: Should I bury the dead and roast them afterwards, too?

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"I had something different in mind"
submitted/asst. reviewed by Gene A.
Pastor: 'About our church sign; I had something different in mind...'
Deacon: 'OK, got it!'

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"Remember you are dust"
submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy D.
No wonder I keep sneezing; I'm allergic to myself.

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And finally, this gem of a pastor's name submitted by frequent contributor S.K. Sutton:

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Quite a post today. When else would "We Practice Human Sacrifice" get pushed down to the #2 slot?!?

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Harry Potter and the Church Signs of Crumminess

2009-03-18T10:37:00.008-05:00

"God is the Potter. Not Harry."
submitted by Katie G.
Also, God plays a kick-ass game of Quidditch.

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"God knit not knots but you. Psalm 139"
submitted by Mandy B.
The Psalms, as interpreted by Dr. Suess.

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"Failing to forgive someone let's them live in your head rent free."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Well, as long as they take their extraneous apostrophes with them when they leave...

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"Be Our Guest. Pastor Disney"
submitted by Norma K.
Put our service to the test. Tie a napkin 'round your neck, cherie...

(Not so crummy a sentiment, but surely they're asking for it, right?)

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Finally, what is it with all the chocolate signs lately? First of all there was the single sign I included in last week's post, and now these:

"The spirit of chocolate"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Courtney R.
There's a sweet, sweet spirit in this place.

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"Happiness is sharing chocolate with a friend."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
But true joy is keeping it all for yourself.

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So, leave it to me to have a completely selfish reason for finally posting again:

I need your votes over at Diesel's caption contest. Please?!?

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Also, I'm going to try and turn commenting back on. If any of you are still out there reading, please let me know.

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What's going on?

2009-03-05T22:18:00.003-06:00

Hi all. Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I had the flu for a while, baseball season started for me (I coach), things got really busy at work....etc. I'll be back sometime, but wanted you to know I'm not dead.

Also, commenting is turned off because some d-bag spammed about 300 of my posts with comments. So comments gone until further notice. Sorry. Thanks, 'zhu'! Hope that was a rewarding few hours you spent.

Anyhow, here's some crumminess to tide you over until I'm back full time; it comes to us courtesy of frequent contributor Rev. Charles S.

"Buy Jesus Chocolate!"
Is Jesus the subject of this sentence, or an adjective modifying the subject?

Super Bowled-Over by Stupidity:

2009-02-04T10:14:00.010-06:00

"Exodus 20:15 says it is a Cardinal sin to be a Steeler."
submitted by Alicia H.
Exodus 20:16 talks about how bad is to be 'a Lion', too.

Note: You guessed it, this sign is from AZ.

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"God's weariness remedy is a full dose of Himself."
submitted by frequent contributor Peter K.
So serving God has the same medicinal benefits as caffeine?

(Virgins who are pregnant or could become pregnant should consult a doctor while taking 'Himself'...)

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"The 'party' in hell has been cancelled due to fire."
submitted by Phoebe N.
Shoot...that was gonna be the best part!!

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Long time readers might remember this sign, from frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney:

Well, now Wes sends us in a partner church to the above "Blue Baptist". It is, of course, named "Pink Baptist":

Nice to know we have His & Hers churches in Oklahoma.

(Note: They're named after the towns in which they are located)

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"Sheep suffer without complaining."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
What the hell are they doing to their poor sheep?

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"Serve Jesus and everything else is background noise."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
Huh? What??

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Note to submitters: If the picture of the church sign you send in includes people mock-fornicating on the ground in front of it, I'm just gonna have to edit it out before I post it.

Thanks for understanding.

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Not sure if it's just my computer, but I seem to be having some issues with PhotoCrank. Stay tuned...

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Humor-blogs seems to be having some issues also, but you could go here to vote for this post. Please?!?!

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The Gospel According to Tony Hawk:

2009-01-29T08:47:00.007-06:00

"Raise up a child in the way he should go. Extreme Sports Videos every Sat. 7 PM"
submitted by Susan McQ
When Jesus entered my life, dude, he made me do a complete 360...

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"Engage a new life with Hope Peace Joy"
submitted and asst. reviewed by f.c. S.K. Sutton
Hope, Peace and Joy?!? What is this, "Big Love"?

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"Live the revelation of the cross, blood, and DNA of Jesus."
submitted/asst. reviewed by f.c. S.K. Sutton
This week, on CSI Jerusalem...

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"Acts of kindness are gifts we give God."

submitted by frequent contributor Peter K.
More like bribes...that way He owes you.

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"Snowmen came from heaven unassembled"
submitted by frequent contributor Megan W.
Ahhhh!!! It's raining down carrots and coal! Ruuuuunnnnn!!!!

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"Check out Jesus before He checks you out."
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Q.
"Honey...who's that creepy Nazarene man peeking in the window at us?!?"

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After a loooong dry spell, I'm once again a finalist in a Mattress Police caption contest. Go vote for your favorite caption by a church sign blogger. Voting ends today, so hurry...I need all the help I can get.

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Actually, I haven't seen Him since Easter...

2009-01-21T21:01:00.010-06:00

"Did you pack Jesus away after Christmas?"
submitted by new contributor Dan S.
What?!? I poked air-holes in the top of the box!

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"Don't be snowed under by sin. Turn to Jesus."
submitted by frequent contributor Peter K.
While you're at it, spread some of your "salt of the earth" on the parking lot for the rest of the world, please...

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"Do you know what hell is? Come hear our preacher."
submitted by Matt B.
He sounds like Gilbert Gottfried??

Note: I swear I've seen this one like this on the web before, but Matt says he took this picture in Alabama. If you find a similar picture online, let me know so I don't think I'm crazy...

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"Christ has come."
submitted by Jonathan J.
You juuuuust missed him, by about 2000-odd years.

I'm more interested in how a church claims that they're the "Head of Tennessee". Especially since I can see the state capitol of Tennessee out of the window as I'm typing this, and I don't see this church anywhere near it...

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"It's not gay to be homosexual. Call for help."
submitted by Matthew K.
What a queer way to appear welcoming...

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Diesel won't like my use of exclamation points in the first sign's review.

Tough for him.

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Thanks, Tonto.

2009-01-16T18:07:00.004-06:00

"He who buries his talent makes grave mistake."
Sure, they say that now, but just try belching the alphabet during the church service...

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"If God seems far away, who move?"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes K.
I'd say He did, considering He's supposed to be everywhere.

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"Jesus is Lord. Heaven is a cool place."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Christopher E.
Can I interest you in a destination with a more "tropical" climate?

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"God is like Coke. He's the real thing."
submitted by Benoit C.
Have a God and a smile!

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"A good reputation is a future."
submitted by Emily S.
Just ask Mary Magdalene!

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"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
submitted by Emily S.
So I make everybody weird?? Thanks a lot...

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"The path to God is through service"
submitted by Emily S.
So Jesus died on the cross so we would volunteer more?

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That's What She Said.

2009-01-13T21:16:00.005-06:00

"Beginning is easy. Finishing is hard."
submitted AND reviewed by Gene A.
Great...another endless sermon.

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"Resolve to let God solve your problems."
submitted by Peter K.
He's particularly good at quadratics.

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"Read the Bible.: Tech support here."
submitted by Megan H.
You'll spend most of the service on "hold".

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"Follow the grain in your own wood."
submitted by Bookgrunt
If you experience 'following the grain in your own wood' for longer than four hours, please call a doctor...

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"God hates whoremongers"
submitted by Tammy G.
...but He looooves Him some...

Wait! No!!!!

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Serious question...would I get more picture submissions if I gave my phone number so people could text me pictures of the signs? I mean...how can my life be complete without pictures of those last two signs? Don't get me wrong: I'm very grateful for the submissions as they are, but I wonder if people would consider taking more pictures if they could just send them to me from their phones...

Seriously, to all who send in signs (pictures or not)...thanks a lot. If I can find a way to make it easier on you, then please let me know. You submitters know how to get hold of me...

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Because You Need To Know These Things...

2009-01-12T21:00:00.004-06:00

1 minute, 13 seconds

More signs and reviews mid-week.

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The Gospel According to Yoda:

2009-01-07T21:42:00.005-06:00

"Jesus 1st is He!"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Do...or do not give your heart to Him. There is no "try".

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"Faith Changes Things"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Tires, Diapers...those sorts of things...

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"Behold, I am making all things new"
submitted AND reviewed by f.c. S. K. Sutton
So I'm not gonna need one of those converter boxes for my television after all?

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"Give God all the pieces of your broken heart"
submitted by frequent contributor S.K. Sutton
In fact, He could use a couple of spare aortas if you know anyone else who's giving them away...

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"Need a reboot - remember God saves!"
submitted AND reviewed by f.c. Minh N.
Do you want to save this sign writer?
Yes/No/Cancel

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I think I've had that last sign submitted before, but Minh's review just killed me, so there it is again but this time with double the snark.

Don't forget to go vote for CCS friend and supporter Mattress Police in the WebLogs Awards Best Humor Blog category.

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Vote for Mattress Police!

2009-01-05T17:28:00.002-06:00

I suppose if I posted more often (or if I were funny more often...) I might be nominated for the WebLogs Best Humor Blog of 2008 Award.

However since I'm NOT nominated, I feel strongly that you should vote for Mattress Police, as Diesel is a friend, has done a lot to help promote Crummy Church Signs, and is funnier than all of the other nominated blogs combined.

Feel free to vote once a day, as the rules allow one vote per day per IP address.

Seriously...go read Mattress Police, and then go vote for it. Daily.

Everybody hide!

2008-12-31T08:29:00.004-06:00

"The Spirit of Jesus is here!"
submitted by Nicholas K.
Wait...Jesus is dead?!?

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"Santa didn't die for sins"
posted here on Flickr//submitted by Ironic Catholic
Wait...Santa is dead?!?

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"Jesus is the rizzle for the sizzle"
posted here on Flickr//submitted by Ironic Catholic
In excelsis dizzle...

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"The best gifts come wrapped in people"
submitted by Eaquae Legit
The worst gifts come wrapped in people parts...

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"God placed his greatest gift on the tree, not under it"
submitted by Kimberly I.
And since you forgot to look for it there, it's now packed with the ornaments and lights up in the attic.

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"Wilberforce fought for justice - his guide? The Bible. It can help you too"
submitted by Kimberly I.
Timely!!

(While people should know who Wilberforce is, how many actually do?)

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Not a lot of pictures on this post, but mostly because I couln't get permission from the Flickr pictures' owners to post the pictures. Do take a second to confirm that the 2nd and 3rd signs in this post are real by clicking on the Flickr link. Wow...

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Happy New Year, everyone!

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Merry Christmas from Crummy Church Signs!

2008-12-24T10:57:00.005-06:00

"What God wants for Christmas is you."
submitted by Peter K.
Funny...that's the same thing Mariah Carey said she wanted...

EDIT 12/29: I had to add this to this post...I found it today on the FailBlog. Enjoy:

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Merry Christmas, everyone.

Romans 5: 12-17 (NLT) :

"When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned. Yes, people sinned even before the law was given. But it was not counted as sin because there was not yet any law to break. Still, everyone died—from the time of Adam to the time of Moses—even those who did not disobey an explicit commandment of God, as Adam did. Now Adam is a symbol, a representation of Christ, who was yet to come. But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ. And the result of God’s gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins. For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ."

Christmas is only good news if you first understand the bad news. We here at CCS hope Christ is more to you than just a baby in a manger this holiday season...

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Please don't be dumb. Jesus is the Son.

2008-12-19T17:56:00.008-06:00

"Please don't be sad. Jesus is your dad."
submitted/originally posted by f.c. Gavin R.
"...so even when things get bad, He can make your life really rad!"

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"Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has!"

submitted by Greg S.//Originally posted here
This sign proves that far too often it's the other way around.

It doesn't have to be...

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"See the other side."
submitted by frequent contributor Rickey Henderson
...preferably on your return trip.

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"Holy Ho' Down"
submitted by April G.//Originally posted here
I've been getting a little flack lately via email and the comments about breaking my own rules. I state in the sidebar that signs that advertise church events are NOT crummy. But sometimes signs advertise those event quite crummily.

For example, in the world outside of the church there's a significant difference between a "Hoe Down" and a "Ho' down" (strong offensive language advisory on that second link).

If you don't think every non-believer between the ages of 14-25 giggled at that "Ho' Down" sign when they went past, you're fooling yourself...

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"He enjoys much who is thankful 4 much. Try B N grateful!"
submitted by Maggie N.
Is there some new IPhone app. where you can text your message directly to your sign?

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submitted by Brad K.
Originally posted on Failblog
Well...Welcoming... Fail pretty much sums it up for me, I guess....

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"Hell is totally uncool. Don't even go there."
submitted by Adam Key
Yeah, but I've heard that the women there are hot.

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"Hurry! I am returning soon! -Jesus"
submitted/ asst. reviewed by Kimberly I.
Crap, I can't find a place to hide!!

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"Time for twos"
submitted AND reviewed by Kimberly I.
The Father, the Son, and that's it.

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"Prime time - Adult Day Care, Senior Citizen Center, and Youth Group"
submitted AND reviewed by Kimberly I.
Yep, we just put them all in front of the TV.

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"Time well spent lasts a lifetime."
submitted by Kimberly I.
And since there's no such thing as "eternity", a lifetime is all we care about!

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"Have a hurt, habit, or hang-up? Celebrate recovery!"
submitted by Kimberly I.
Crack open a cold one!

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Hey Facebookers...CCS is now on the Networked Blogs app on Facebook. There's a new box in the top section of the right-hand side column. Click it and join the CCS network, and while you're at it, friend me!!

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Shiver me timbers...

2008-12-12T22:10:00.008-06:00

"To err is human. To arrrr is pirate."
submitted by frequent contributor Randy B.
This sign swabs the poop deck.

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"Have you took time to pray today?"
submitted AND reviewed by Dennis M.
No, I ain't!

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"Fire proof your marriage."
submitted by frequent contributor S.K. Sutton
My wife is going to love the asbestos coat I got her for Christmas!

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"Come apart and rest awhile before you come apart."
submitted by Lindsey B.
Church: Helping you fall to pieces for over 2000 years!

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And now, a series of signs submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Charles S. The signs were found in Southern Michigan. Imagine how poor the unemployment numbers in that state would truly be except for this apparent rash of pastoral hirings...

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"God gave you 86400 seconds today. Have you used one to say 'thank you'"?
submitted by frequent contributor Katherine T.
Well, I got as far as "Thank y-", and then my second was up...

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So, during a recent long stretch where I ran out of submissions and wasn't receiving any more useful pictures, I kinda got used to not posting. Now that I have a bunch of submissions again, I'm finding it hard to get back into the habit. I hope perhaps there are still some readers out there (my traffic, amazingly, has only slightly declined...so somebody's reading something.)

Anyhow, I'll try to get another couple of posts up in the next week or so. Or at least one post. Within the next month.

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