Stitch Sista Sits, Stitch Sista Knits, Stitch Sista even Blogs a Bit

Brain Dump

2009-11-27T15:10:00.002+11:00

Every day I consider what I might blog today - when it's something I think is half decent I don't have the time, and when I do have the time I think it's not worth bothering about...

Needless to say it's that crazy time of year again and I am quietly freaking out about two of my children starting something new (school and kinder) in the next couple of months. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready, and I'm pretty sure that's too bad because it's happening ready or not!

On the other hand, perhaps it will be liberating to have one little one (or no little one if grandma is on hand) and several hours each week to get into those areas of clutter that drain me each day I walk around my home. Perhaps I will find the mental space to figure out what to do when I grow up, and scale back my addiction to watching gems line up in threes, fours and fives.*

Oh please, higher power, puppet master, inner goddess or whoevertheheckyouare, let me get on with things!

*if you don't know what this means you don't need to, if you do, you know exactly what I mean...is that ever addictive or what?

In the garden...

2009-11-19T19:22:00.003+11:00

All is well enough in our little household. I am as scattered as ever as the year marches towards it's close but now and then I manage to do something useful I think!

We decided to forgo the full vegie patch this year as we couldn't really settle on a spot...the existing beds weren't well positioned for growing and so for now I'm making do with some pots outside my kitchen.

My babe wakes me well before 6.00am and I really enjoy the early morning potter around the plants, and getting some water into them before the hot day hits!

I see fighting over strawberries in our future and will endeavour to plant some more over the next little while. The baby got the first one, and the second one that was going to be for the big boy...(grabbed it when I wasn't looking!) Middle is yet to have one but there is one ripening as we speak and I suspect she'll have it tomorrow (if babe doesn't get there first!)

Tomorrow I'll tell you about my worms (oh the composting type if you don't mind...)

Getting it together...

2009-11-13T07:25:00.002+11:00

I'm trying, ever so hard, to get my stuff together. Sometimes it feels like all the steps are adding up to something, but every now and then I'd swear I'm going backwards.

I'm trying not to wait to do the things I need to do...you know that stuff you say you'll do after you've done this and this and this...? And it really is so very satisfying to JUST DO IT!

The silly season isn't a huge deal in our family as most of our extended relos are far away, but there are still things I'd like to do before December hits.

So I'm sure you'll forgive me as my posting gets more sporadic (urm yeah, well it always has been anyways) and I try to get all my ducks in a row.

PS: I'm just thinking about that expression and how hard it would be to actually get ducks in a row unless they chose to be that way and perhaps that's why it's so difficult to get anything done...

Working mum

2009-11-05T21:12:00.002+11:00

Just pondering this tonight...

I think I was on Facebook, passing my oh so precious time playing a game (yeah you know the one) whilst my wee one fed to sleep. I have many excuses for sitting on my bum at the computer (sometimes I'm looking up a recipe or a phone number...get sidetracked, you know all about it) and I often wonder whether my children will remember me as always on the computer (heaven forbid please no!)

There are so many other things we do, around the house, visiting with friends, running errands, kinder, crafts and so on...but I do feel my need for fairly instant stimulation and communication with other adults means the computer is frequently used throughout the day. My feelings are that this will change significantly over the next few years as my kids go to school and I gain other responsibilities (work anyone?) but I digress (kind of!)

What kind of role model am I anyway? If I went to work, I'd be more organised, and kicking goals in some capacity I hope...but this role of mine as a mother is still reasonably new. I guess I've been doing it for almost 6 years, but the challenge of three still has me on a learning curve. Do my kids get and see the best of me in this role? Would they have appreciated me more if I'd been a working mum already? I know if I was at work I wouldn't be yelling at people when I was upset or disappointed. I would be diplomatically sorting out problems. I would be respectful toward others at all times.

Guess this job really is the hardest one in the world...

Baby Steps

2009-11-01T22:20:00.002+11:00

These days so many of us want what we want NOW. Whether it's something materialistic, or a goal we want to achieve, it seems people generally are less patient than ever.

I find myself caught up in this in both big and little ways. Sometimes I forget that there probably will be a tomorrow, and a day after, and another and so on (universe willing, I really would like to live a happy long life). Little by little time passing is a given. Most of the things that I want aren't achieveable in a day, or even weeks.

There are many times when I've not started something because I know I'm going to be interrupted or not complete something the same day - I think that's pretty normal when there are small children in your care. When it comes to bigger types of goals, be it study or finding fitness it can be hard to start and not know when you're going to reach your goal.

Although it's a cliche 'Rome wasn't built in a day' is particularly apt. Even when it comes to parenting and the usual voices in our head ask "when is he going to learn?", it's good to remind ourselves that our children, as are our lives, are infact 'works in progress'.

Non knitters have said to me, "oh I couldn't knit a whole jumper it takes too long", but many of us have knit jumpers and know it's just a matter of one stitch at a time over and over until it's done (OK I know you're laughing if you still have one or several unfinished from years ago like I do...).

Baby steps, softly, slowly...one after the other...who knows where you might end up? Perhaps before you know it you've reached your goal!

I'm all in a muddle!

2009-10-28T07:09:00.002+11:00

Maybe I just shouldn't neglect this blog...

You know I have so much crap in my head. Really so much...and it's probably unfair to dump it on people.

The other blog, that I started in a wave of inspiration...well who knows what it will come to. If it vanishes mysteriously don't be surprised.

I think we all have parts of our lives we want to change. Although I think I have the internal motivation to make change, it really does help to have people to share that experience and spur each other along, no matter what the change is. And it's not even people saying 'well done', it sharing successes and knowing other people are having the same challenges or hurdles, and learning how they overcame them.

Overall I think I've been feeling low about myself for a long long time. The negative voices in my head are so ingrained now that I barely notice them. Of course if I look closely I'm kicking goals in some areas, but I know I let myself down in others. I NEED goals, and I NEED to achieve them to restore a little bit of confidence. Some of my goals will indeed be superficial and not necessarily the most important ones but my number one goal right now is just to achieve SOMETHING I set out to achieve.

Not another blog...

2009-10-27T16:26:00.006+11:00

I have started a new blog called A Life Makeover, which is more a personal journal as I try to makeover some areas of my life. It could be very boring, or perhaps it could inspire...~~either way it's invite only, so could you please drop me a comment with your email if you would like an invite.~~

My hope is to get some words of encouragement from time to time, or to share with those who can relate.

PS: On further reflection I feel more self conscious about having the new blog private than not...so it's now a public blog. Don't expect anything profound, I really just wanted people on a similar path to be able to share their own experiences and support one another in setting goals and reaching them.

A Good Mother

2009-10-21T22:32:00.002+11:00

I've been thinking a bit today, and at other times about what a Good Mother looks like.

We all have our preconceived ideas, which morph and shift as we move through conception, to pregnancy, to real life, in the deep end, no turning back motherhood.

There are things I've done (do), which no question I think are the 'right' things for my children, be it for their health or general wellbeing. But being only human there is probably lots I've done (do) wrong too.

One thing today that struck me as interesting in my thoughts was the way in which we (and society generally) are quick to judge parenting as the issue in some children's behaviour. Whereas at the same time, our friends are quick to tell us, "it's not your fault at all" when little Johnny is a misbehaving snot of a child.

Can we have it both ways? Some kids do have behavioural issues which may be linked to food, or allergies, or other mental issues and pity the poor parent who gets the 'bad parent' tag in those instances. But our moods DO affect our kids. Certainly the less stressed I am, the less stressed my kids are. And to that end there's obviously a chicken and an egg thing to those already 'spirited' children who push their parents to the edge, and who thereby become stressed, and the cycle continues. What a bloody minefield!

I do feel like a bad parent. I know I've said that here before, and I've been not so great on many an occasion since. In my defence though - it's often my best. I'm not sure how I feel about that. That my best couldn't be a little bit better.

Investigating it, exploring it, owning it...I hope it all contributes to a better day tomorrow...and the day after that.

Dear Blog

2009-10-19T20:02:00.002+11:00

Once again I've neglected you...I've failed to make you a priority in my life. I can understand you're not amused but what can I say? I do think of you often - everyday infact, but sometimes I just can't find the words.

I know it feels like we've separated, but honestly my feelings for you haven't changed! Well, maybe that's a stretch...there are times...when I wonder...maybe a trial separation is in order?

No of course it's not what I really want. Look just give me some time. I promise I'll make it up to you soon.

Love me
xx

Walking

2009-10-05T20:07:00.003+11:00

I just got back from a walk...oh how I love to walk...It's the kind of thing I forget until I'm actually doing it. There is so much more to it than just the physical aspect of putting one foot in front of the other. If night is falling I can capture glimpses of people doing different things in their houses...watching tv, eating dinner, moving from room to room. Possibly not too exciting to some but I would say I'm a bit of a voyeur so I enjoy it quite a lot.

Listening to my favourite tunes on the way and I'm regularly transported to a trancelike state as I pound the pavement. I find myself dreaming, thinking, pondering...I can be anything or anyone when I'm listening to music and walking.

I can tell you some walking stories from the past. I remember hearing of one fellow in particular who had a bad acid trip and got stuck walking walking walking, all through the night around Camberwell. I'd often see him doing this. There was also another girl I'd often see walking around the same area. She walked incredibly fast, like she was on a mission, and given the amount of times I spotted her whilst driving or out and about, it is fair to say she must have spent most of her days walking. There was something anxious, and not quite right about it...but at the same time, I confess I get it.

When I walk I am totally lost in myself...well it's the combination of the music and the walking that does it, but I feel as though I am just in heaven really - a place where anything is possible.

Flat

2009-09-29T23:27:00.002+11:00

I am feeling really stupid even posting this, but need to get it off my chest.

Today my closest and longest friend told me that her sister and her other best friend will be her bridesmaids at her wedding. She asked me if I was disappointed and I said "no, no..." whilst waving my hand away. She said, "oh you're disappointed" and I just changed the topic as easily as I could. Even though she's been engaged for months now she never mentioned bridesmaids, and I just assumed she wasn't having them. And I knew that even if she was, she's one of those people with lots of friends and close family so there was a good chance, probable chance that I would not be a bridesmaid.

Let me first be clear, I have never in my life wanted to be a bridesmaid...I mean it's just not something that ever crossed my mind. But it occurred to me driving home that this was probably my last chance to be one, and that I couldn't help but feel sad, that despite knowing this friend for two thirds of my life I will not stand beside her in a pretty dress in her wedding photo. And if I don't just get the bleep over it, then I will feel that pang whenever I see her wedding photos (because that's just the type of girl I am)...

This is not life shattering. That I've never been in this situation before is astonishing enough to me...I realise now that there must have been scores of women friends who have remained unchosen by their friends to be a part of their wedding.

And life is like that. Silly things, or maybe not so silly things, can throw our day, our world even, off kilter. We want our kids to be resilient, and that's easy enough when they're healthy, and bright, or popular, or funny and things just flow their way. As adults we know that often times there are things that can upset the balance, seemingly minor things can really alter our mood for a while if we let them.

I'm hopeful just writing this down will help. I feel a little childish for being upset over this...the friend she has chosen should definitely be in her wedding party, no question. But I do feel like the kid who didn't get picked for the team you know. Anyway I'll feel it, live it, roll it over in my mind for a bit and then get the fuck over it. That's what grownups have to do right?

I just don't know what to do with myself...

2009-09-25T07:37:00.002+11:00

So many days I have so much to do, but just not enough time. So many days I choose rest and relaxation (if it's even possible) over housework and chores. Many a time when I have a free few hours at night with kids sleeping soundly I don't know what to do with myself...it's as if I have *too* many interests...Do I knit? Do I read? Make some jewellery? Do I blog? Do I do all those fiddly paperwork type chores that I can't do with the kids around? Or do I just lie on the couch with no purpose at all and put on the idiot box? Someday soon I'd like to learn to sew, or get back to playing piano, but when? Oh and forget about exercise - no time!

Usually I do read in the bath for a bit, and then sit on the couch and knit whilst watching telly...most nights I'm so tired I know I should get an early night, but instead once I hit that point I'll relocate myself in front of the pc to do a bit of net surfing. I end up going to bed an hour too late and feeling crappy in the morning. It's not a great cycle by any stretch, but old habits and all that.

I'm thinking about trying to get a few hours work next year - and that will necessitate some reading, some catching up to ready my frazzled brain. I'm not sure where that's going to fit in to be honest. Many a time I think "somethings gotta give", but what? I'd love to be dedicated to one task or hobby, but which one? I'm not prepared to give anything up...infact I'm looking to add more!

I could afford to cut down my computer use - but it really is a great social outlet for me, and there are many people I would miss if I turned off all together.

What on earth did I do before kids? I was so boring and bored. I went to work full time, had a very clean house with up to date washing, played a bit of piano and did a bit of knitting, but I still lay around on the couch watching tv too late and wondering what I was doing with myself.

Hmmm reading back and pondering all this, I think it's fair to say screentime is my problem isn't it? Now, will I be brave enough to actually do something about it!

Parenting : Mum vs Dad

2009-09-21T20:35:00.003+11:00

Part of what makes this parenting gig so stressful (to me) is the dynamic between the two parents. My hubby and I had a bit of a trial run at parenting together when his stepchildren stayed part time with us...but they were older when we started, and I didn't have the responsibility nor the emotional investment that can make things hairy...Plus it was weekend visits and not the every day work that comes from 24/7 parenting.

Some days it flows, but on others there is just too much angst...I hate it! I am an only child, who I suspect got her own way a lot of the time, and whose parents could afford to be fairly laid back - there was no sibling rivalry or all day bickering to deal with. My hubby was one of four children (number 3) in a reasonably strict Catholic family. I suspect my MIL ran a tight ship, and at least until their teenage years I suspect the children would have been very well behaved...OR ELSE!

For the most part we haven't had any huge idealogical clashes or anything. My hubby has supported and encouraged the ways I've wanted to parent, extended co-sleeping (doesn't mean he wouldn't *like* more space in the bed!), extended breastfeeding, no smacking or shaming and so on. But there are so many opportunities to still handle things differently - and at times that is certainly a frustration.

My 5.5 year old is getting a bit mouthy lately, and a lot of the time I *can* just ignore it or laugh it off...I know he's trying to push my buttons and I feel I'd rather just leave it than make a fuss. But my DH will have none of it...it's all about respect I guess and he gets *very* mad when my ds talks to me that way.

Sometimes the weekend comes and after a whole week at home with the kids I just want to relax with them...loosen up in the rules and routines that are more necessary during the week. But what does hubby do? He gets short with them at times (of course I do too but that's different!) and for some reason this just makes me so cross. I'm constantly reminding myself that he has to have his separate relationship and dynamic going on with the kids, and that I wouldn't want him telling me how to behave.

Maybe life wouldn't be so hard if I stopped worrying about everyone else's behaviour and just concentrated on my own!

So it goes on...

2009-09-18T15:39:00.003+11:00

Firstly I want to say a big THANK YOU to those who contacted me after my last post.

I think someday soon, I will make this blog invite only...it seems unfair to have so much sensitive stuff 'out there'. But at the same time, one thing I have learned about sharing, and opening yourself up, is that you can make connections you might not have otherwise made, and receive support you might not have otherwise received. I am ever so grateful for that.

The last few days I guess we turned a bit of a corner, and our lad has settled down a bit (we won't talk about me having to 'pretend' to drive away today to get him to come with us). I wonder if he didn't just have a testosterone surge or some such thing.

Anyway I want to talk about me now, and my screwed up head! I want to talk about how silly it is to let external stuff get us down. Stuff that isn't directed at us, and in the scheme of things probably not that important. Today at kinder I noticed one of the boys who I thought was one of F's pretty good friends was having a party, but no invite for us :(. It doesn't matter the reason...I know not everyone can be invited - but I immediately just felt down. And that bothered me...because that cloud just follows you doesn't it? I think too, being at the end of the third term...knowing the next one is our last at that kinder is getting me down a bit too.

Because of my daughter's young kinder age, she didn't get her pick of kinders and we have to settle for a different one than we'd planned. It's entirely likely that my youngest will go to a different one again. And I guess I'm feeling sad that the tentative community building I've been doing this year, after moving into a new suburb too, is all a bit of a waste. Nearly all the kids are heading off to one school, whilst we are the odd one out having chosen another. If you ever want to second guess yourself just go against the grain...I know because I've been doing it all my life! (not intentionally)

So I'm feeling a bit melancholy, a bit blue, a bit lonely for my boy for the birthday party he won't get to attend, and the friends who will fade away at the end of the year. And I'm really really really hoping I've made the right choice for next year!

Yeah it's hard...

2009-09-15T15:57:00.002+11:00

You know, I couldn't fake a fabulous love of parenting if I tried. So I'm not going to bother. You know it's hard, I know it's hard.

We've had further struggles with the big boy over the last few weeks. Nothing necessarily new or that I can be specific about...just in general the 'whammy's' have been more frequent, the defiance more...well...defiant and so on. I should have known today might not be a great day to linger after kinder, given the type of behaviour we've had, and a reasonably pleasant morning ended with me carrying a kicking, screaming 5.5 yo (no mean feat) across the oval and into the car after he had an altercation with a much younger child. A mother friend rescued my other two, put her hand on my shoulder, empathised. Some other parents watched on, I'm sure being grateful it wasn't their child involved.

Over the last few days, dealing with my firstborn has felt so fucking hard. I have to quell thoughts of wishing he wasn't part of this family, or wondering what it would be like if he wasn't. And truth be told, our problems are so minor compared to many. But so much of our energies, our concerns, our efforts go into cajoling, negotiating, navigating life with a child whose mind of his own is definitely much at odds with ours.

On the upside, this is a sweet, imaginative, sensitive child...who even at his angriest struggles to hurt anyone. It's so obvious when he swings a fist that it comes entirely from frustration...there is no intent to hurt, he really woulnd't know how.

From our perspective we have one 5yo child with no-one to compare him to. We have been living with challenges for 5 years not knowing which are the normal parent ones and which are exaggerated by some underlying 'condition'. Even though he was sensitive as a baby, he really wasn't very difficult at all until at least 3. Friends who haven't seen him 'lose it' just think he's a bright child.

We are seeing someone in a couple of weeks and I hope just having the opportunity to talk to someone who is trained can shed some light. It would be easy to blame myself as so many of the things he does that annoy me could very well be modelled by me. But at the same time I know it's more than that...especially seeing my 3.5 yo is just so different.

OK that's enough of a brain dump for today.

Rallying in Canberra

2009-09-13T20:29:00.005+11:00

We've been away on a road trip to Canberra. The lawns of Parliament House to be exact to attend The Mother of All Rallies in support of midwife assisted homebirth.

It was a long drive for 3 kids 5 and under (not to mention their parents), but the kids did quite well in the car and generally. They seem to get quite excited about new rooms, new beds and all that stuff that comes with staying in a motel. Unfortunately unless we're swanking it up, hubby and I generally don't sleep as well...afterall we're usually going down to a queen when we're away, as opposed to our king, which can accommodate four or five bodies as necessary.

Before we got married or at least had kids we did a lot of road travel, and I think we're still getting accustomed to the idea that kids are lots of work at home or away, and often more away, though others may tell you different. Either way they were ok, albeit a bit off here and there.

The weather was gorgeous on our first full day in Canberra, but turned to crap for the rally...the day in which we planned to stand outside for 3+ hours. Somehow we managed and I must commend the kids on their patience! Master F was quite happy to be 'going to talk to the government' and I think there's a lesson there for when he's a bit older.

Because there has been a bit of backpeddling on the issue of criminalising uninsured independent midwives (the bit about outlawing it is now on hold for two years), it is not unlikely that we will be back in Canberra in a couple of years time to give our support.

I have to say I have never seen so many Ergos (a type of baby carrier for those who don't know it) in my entire life. From afar you probably would have thought you were looking upon a bunch of 'hippies' and I guess there were a fair few who would proudly wear that tag. At the same time I think this is unfairly stereotyping a would-be homebirther. I don't take offence to the term, but I don't identify with it much either. One thing I will say though, that homebirth in itself is transformative and extends to many areas of parenting. In the same way that an interest in all things natural/organic etc may lead one to homebirth, homebirth itself is a path to gentle parenting, and more earth friendly ways of living. I don't always feel I fit with the tribe...but there is a connection amongst homebirthers I feel. I think it is fair to assume that many beliefs and idealogies are shared within that community even though you may not pick us for homebirthers. Either way the Ergo gives away something of our philosophies shared...as well as the skilled breastfeeders...after 5.5 years I'm fairly expert in feeding wherever, whenever, and with bubs in the Ergo is no exception!

I'm not sure what we achieved if anything. There was a small piece on the news. There are discussions being had here and there, but the misinformation and scaremongering make it impossible for me to tolerate. I'm not having any more babies, but knowing homebirth is a safe choice for many families, and also something women have a right to, means I will continue to support and rally as best I can.

PS: Love this banner we spied...says it all really.

Families & High Tea

2009-09-02T08:04:00.003+11:00

Although I had everything a girl could need and more growing up, my lack of a 'proper' nuclear family unit including present father and requisite siblings made me sometimes yearn for the big family dinners or lunches that other 'proper' families seemed to have. Oh I know, there is a lot of dysfunction in those big families (like all families I guess), but I guess you tend to romanticize things you can't have.

I never wanted to be anything other than an only child (on balance, I had it good!), but I did want a big family for myself. So I got the guy, the three kids and the big old family house. And I have assumed the position of matriach and all that comes with it. Like cooking for most special family events for example. Sometimes I wish my mum did all this stuff...don't get me wrong, she does cook from us from time to time...but generally my Capricorn control freak feels the need to take on the big stuff, making things from scratch and trying to get things 'just so'.

I'm probably not really saying what I mean to say...which is that I take great pride in looking after my families gastronomic needs, as well as creating 'occasions'. I missed that a bit growing up (there's only so much pomp and circumstance you can create for two people)...My stepmother was a great cook, and I have fond memories of her cooking and creating special treats. I want my children to have those memories too...because a lot of love goes into nourishing a family. I struggle on a daily basis to be everything I want to be to my children - so being able to create food for them, especially when one has special dietry needs, is a tangible sign of my love.

Last weekend I felt the need to make a lamington cake for morning tea. To turn it into something more special I invited my mum and nan down to join us. The weekend before when my girlfriend was over I made scones for a devonshire tea. Perhaps it's the 'grownupness' of all sitting at at the table that appeals, but I do enjoy it. And our house is old enough to wonder about all the cups of tea that have been enjoyed looking out it's windows. There will be many more enjoyed in the future.

My body, my temple?

2009-08-27T00:01:00.003+11:00

Not quite.

I don't quite know what's up with me at the moment but I'm treating my body poorly. I'm craving salt and sugar and fat like there's no tomorrow. I'm eating double portions of dinner even when my stomach is groaning (in pain and fullness). Right now I'm having some 2 minute noodles (at 11pm) and have been every other day for a few days. I've been eating McDonalds drive thru just for 'a snack' whenever I can sneak it in (and I am someone who has probably only had McDonalds once a year for the last decade). My thoughts through the day often turn to food and opportunities to enjoy food.

I'm not eating much if any fruit, or cereal, or yoghurt...the types of things that make my body feel good. I do eat vegetables every day (because I love them!) I am drinking at least a glass (and a big glass probably worth two to be fair) of wine every evening, sometimes two. I'm not drinking enough water and am generally going to bed too late. I am probably slowly putting on weight I would consider 'excess'...certainly my clothes are feeling snug. I am not exercising.

All I can really say is thank goodness I quit smoking 10 or so years ago...I reckon I'd be lighting one ciggie off another right now.

So what's going on?

Nothing, everything...I know there's anxiety swirling around under an impossible endless list of to dos. My eldest starts school next year, and although I've enrolled him somewhere I felt happy with, the other night I suddenly started feeling not as confident of that decision as before. I'm having trouble getting my daughter a kinder place as she's a Feb baby and low on the list. I can't get my son into a paediatrician before December, and I'm having trouble finding a psychologist who has time to assess him. It feels like I'm thwarted at every turn some days.

My 14 month old tornado child messes 3 things for every 1 that I tidy, and it seems somehow this is analogous to life in general.

The footy season is coming to an end. Soon Spring will be here for good, and then daylight savings and then those marvellous extra hours to just do stuff...then when kinder lets out...just to 'be'. TV will turn to crap and there will be more time to read, to walk, to garden, to potter.

But why do I look to the future to do stuff I need to do right now? I love my children too much not to look after their mother. Why don't I love my body enough to look after it? Why is it so hard to make myself a priority? Why is it all so darn hard?!!

Another perfectly imperfect...

2009-08-22T22:52:00.002+11:00

...spare room slash guest room slash let's-just-chuck-everything-in-here-room until we get a chance to clean it up!

You know you've seen a better photo of that room right?

Perfectly Imperfect...washing line...

2009-08-21T08:17:00.002+11:00

Kate at Picklebums had a great idea for a blog post...which was essentially to embrace the imperfection around our homes and lives and post a photo...

I've decided to join in...

That isn't just any washing there my friends...that's washing that was lovely and dry until a big rainshower came and made it all wet again...soaking wet of course...

Why hello!

2009-08-17T20:27:00.003+11:00

I have been sucked into the vortex that is Facebook.

I was one of the last people I knew to get a mobile phone. It wasn't something I felt I needed when they first started really getting popular. When I had kids and started having to occasionally leave them to go somewhere alone (blessedly alone!), I did feel the need to keep in touch and finally succumbed. Over time my usage has grown, particularly with the proliferation of texting - which suits casual relationships so well...you know, like the people you meet and are starting out with friendship wise...and you really don't know is it ok to call at 7 or is 9.30 too late etc. Or perhaps you just don't have time to chat. I guess you could argue whether texting is better or worse for increasing ones social network...you miss out on the intimacy of a phone call, but perhaps it's not a phone call you would make anyway.

So Facebook...I set up an account eons ago for a couple of friends who were overseas but for several silly reasons used my Stitch Sista tag rather than my real name. Then the other day I noticed a couple of old school mates post on another friends wall and realised that if I started sending messages to long lost people they would think 'who the hell is this' and I'd have to explain myself each time. Instead I've decided to change it, and had several lovely messages back and forth with old friends. Maybe nothing will come of it other than the occasional comment on a photo, but we have our 20 year school reunion next year and I'm glad I'm in touch now so that I can attend.

One thing I don't intend to do though is link my blog. Some people say blogs are narcissistic and they are probably right in many ways...it's an outlet to actually say what I think. I do still censor myself and try to be sensitive to those I know who read. As in day to day life I don't say things I wouldn't say to someone directly if pushed! But at the same time I feel strange about telling some of my friends about my blog. Maybe it's some kind of immaturity that I can't resolve my online and offline personas? For example, my husband doesn't read my blog. I'm not sure if that's weird or sensible.

In the rearview

2009-08-09T20:21:00.003+11:00

Somehow, looking back, everything looks BETTER. I look thinner, happier, prettier. Life looks like it was more fun way back then...The house looks cleaner, the grass greener, the sky bluer. Everyone somehow looks full of joy, even when we look tired (in the pics with newborns for example).

How does our present and our past get so skewed? What makes it so hard to embrace the joy in the day to day, and yet, looking back at a photo has us wanting to go back in time if only for a moment? Is it because we only take photos on the happy days? Do more pics get taken in summer when the SAD has lifted for us all?

I do love looking back on old photos...but I find it troublesome that there are times I can't embrace the now! I've found the past few months kind of heavy in ways. I feel like I've had to tell myself 'enjoy this moment', knowing that it will pass and not wanting to only enjoy it in hindsight and wish to relive a moment I didn't give a good go the first time around (if that makes sense).

Humans are funny creatures...we all know what we need to do, and yet so many of us struggle to do it. Is it our culture that has us so focussed on future moments and acquisitions that prevents us from embracing the NOW...? Or is it just part of being human?

Why is it that at the end of the day, I'd rather write out my thoughts than put one more kid to bed?

My kids are growing up so fast, too fast I think. A pause button here and there would be nice and surely help me savour them more.

Why of course...

2009-08-02T22:31:00.002+11:00

At some time today (I think it was after the four billion and fifty seventh time I removed my youngest from the recycling bin) it occurred to me that it was not the year past that was/would be the most difficult, but moreso probably the one ahead. The one where my baby is walking, but is still, essentially a baby. She is on the move, and she is into EVERYTHING. Toilet, recycling bin, climbing on top of the table, pulling everything out of the cupboard type everything.

For whatever reason (could be because they didn't do it, could be my shoddy memory) I don't remember this phase being too too hard with the others but ahhh I'm going to need my patience, especially in the face of constant interruptions, to rescue this child.

At this stage I'm not dealing particularly well...my dear husband has already asked me once to 'stop yelling at the baby' *reddens*. I know, I know, but I'm only human afterall. Give me strength.

Time's Up

2009-08-01T20:02:00.003+11:00

I reckon it takes about a year to find your groove with a new baby. For about a year you can use the 'new baby' excuse for just about anything you like. I haven't managed to clean the kitchen today "because of the baby". Haven't done much knitting "because of the baby". Just have.not.had.time "because of the baby and all you know..."

After a year though, I just want to be getting my stuff together. I want to actually get it together earlier than that but I can't...you know, because of the baby...

So here I am, a year and a bit beyond the birth of my last baby and it's time. I've put myself on notice. All those annoying odds and ends that need tying up, prepare to be tied! Things that need to be tossed, prepare to make your way to the bin! or to goodwill! or ebay even! Every little thing that thought it got forgotten due to my sometimes all consuming procrastination...know that I am coming for you! I am going to find you and sort you and action you or toss you! (oooh that sounded a bit naughty even...the thought of it all is a touch thrilling). If you are made of yarn and have sat untouched for sometime prepare to be knit or frogged or forever banished to the scrap heap!

It is time...surely it is time.

And you know, if it takes a while...well urm, it's because I have three kids 5 and under ok?

In the garden

2009-07-31T07:56:00.010+11:00

I am not a gardener by any stretch of the imagination, but occasionally I have aspirations.

When we bought this house, it was the garden that sold me...and my young girl dreams of having a beautiful garden...especially one where there was a back and a front and you could run right around, were suddenly in reach...

The truth is, I have almost no time for gardening at the moment. Well actually, I could probably find time to garden, but as I have no idea what I'm doing I'd like to do a bit of learning first...and I have no time combined with sufficient brainpower to learn about gardening at the moment. I leave that to my hubby and he has bought books and sat online selecting the right plants to fill in some gaps in our garden. Added bonus is that he seems to enjoy it.

Here are the kids helping out with the planting.

Can you see who M takes after now? If I posted a photo of my mother in law it would be even clearer.

Here are some random early blooms in our garden. Some of them unidentified...must look up that pretty little orange and red one.

And here is happiness...washing on the line, three kids in the giant playpen (urm I mean trampoline).

Bring on spring! Can't wait to spend more of my days in the garden!