Moogle's Thoughts

Great News!

2007-07-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I'm sorry...

Well, last week marked a full year of chiropractic treatement, and I now have proper curve in my neck!!! The chiropractor expected my treatment to take at least a year and a half, so I've progressed better than expected. :)

Now that my neck is aligned, I still need maintanance work to make sure my body learns the new position and can stay aligned on its own. My back has been out of whack for over 9 years, so it will take a little while for this new alignment to "stick" and feel normal.

While this is all great news, I'm slightly disapointed. I should have known better and not gotten my hopes up, but I was hoping the migraines would be mostly gone once my neck and hips were properly aligned. However, I need to remember that I have almost a decade of nerve, bone, and muscle damage that needs to heal...

So, I will continue to be patient and at least now I can finally see the end of the tunnel!

Update - Good News

2006-10-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

So.... Long time no post.... I figured it was about time for another update, though I'm still not quite ready to resume blogging on a regular basis.

I am doing very good, all things considering. I am still struggling with the migraines, but the chiropractic treatment has been working and I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.

As I mentioned before, my chiropractic treatment is broken down into segments. Each treatment segment is 3 months long, at the end of which the chiropractor does a re-exam with x-rays to see how effective the treatment has been. My chiro estimated that it would probably take a total of 1 & 1/2 years of treatment to get me back in proper alignment. Currently I have finished my first segment of treatment and am in the first month of the second segment.

The first segment was adjustments in the office 3 times a week with traction at home every night. There are two types of traction, one type is where you sit in a chair and your neck is stretched with a weight (like a bag filled with water), and the other type is where you lay on a foam wedge with your head tilted back. I'm doing the first kind (sitting in the chair) and then later on in my treatment I will switch to the wedge.

So, at my first 3 month re-exam, the results were better than expected...I'm responding so well to it that my neck curve increased in the right direction! Now I've just completed the first month of the second segment of treatment were I go in for adjustments in the office 2 times a week with traction at home every night.

With these treatments I have enjoyed a considerable increase in my quality of life. Even though I still deal with chronic migraines, I'm usually able to get up and shower every day by 9am, I can schedule appointments and activities with a high certainty of being able to follow through, and I'm even volunteering on a regular schedule at my church!

Although my migraine situation is improving and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel (at least in a couple of years), there are still major stressors going on in my personal life. One of those stressors is that my beloved father-in-law is fighting cancer and is currently in the process of a stem-cell transplant. Check out his story at Art's CML Updates.

Thanks for all your support!

On Hold for a While

2006-06-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

My blog has been on hold for a while now, and I'm thinking that I'll let that stand for the time being. There are a lot of personal things going on in my life right now with my father-in-law having cancer, my own migraine struggles, among other things. So this will be my last post until further notice.

I do have good news... I think I have finally discovered the root cause of the migraines!! About two years before the migraines hit, I hit my hip hard against the roof of a low car while getting out onto a very high curb. This wrenched my lower back quite severely. I was in pain for at least two weeks, but after seeing a chiropractor a few times (who did not do any x-rays), the pain went away. Since I was no longer in any pain, I thought I was totally healed and everything was fine.

Well, I recently went into a chiropractor who has a different philosophy than any other chiropractor I have seen so far. Rather than focusing on treating the symptoms themselves, he instead concentrates on putting your body back into it's natural shape with the conviction that only then will the body be able to heal itself. He does a complete set of x-rays (rather than isolating a certain spot like the neck) and measures the entire spine to make sure it is in proper allignment. If it is not, then he fixes the mis-allignment.

My x-rays revealed that my pelvis and spine are twisted like a cork-screw! The only thing I can think of that could have caused the twisting was that accident with the car roof. Since the accident was before the migraines, it is conceivable that it took a while for the misallignment of my spine to start affecting my nerves. I've also been an avid swimmer most of my life, so the lack of back pain could be due to how strong my stomach/stabilizer muscles were.

To fix the problem, I am on an aggressive treatment plan where I get adjusted three times a week for three months, then twice a week for three months, then once a week for six or more months until I'm back in proper shape. At every three month interval the chiropractor does a new set of x-rays to monitor my progress. He estimates that since I have been out of allignment since 1999, it could take 1 & 1/2 years to get me back into proper allignment. After that, I shouldn't need any more treatments unless something abnormal happens to knock me out of shape.

This experience has definitely taught me about chiropractors and what to look for. They are NOT all created equal! NEVER let a chiropractor even touch you without a COMPLETE set of x-rays being done. Additionally, the chiropractor should actually measure your allignment on the x-rays. If he/she just looks at them without any measurements, then they really can't say if you are alligned or not. You can use the analogy of a building compared to your body. You can't just eye-ball a wall and see if it is straight or not; you must measure it with a line. It's the same with your body.

Feel free to email me if you would like more details on the differences between a wellness chiropractor and a symptoms-based chiropractor. Unfortunately, most chiropractors that are covered by traditional insurance are the symptoms-based ones...

Hang in there, and know that I'm thinking of you.

Apologies

2006-02-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

I feel that I owe you all an apology for kinda falling off the face of the earth for a while. Lately I've been withdrawing from life and have been sort of hibernating. I've had plenty of thoughts on potential posts, but obviously none of them came to fruition.

In a way I'm tired and in another way I'm scared. I am tired of hurting all the time. I am scared that this will never get better.

I guess I have been in a tunnel straining to see the light at the other end. At first I didn't realize what I was feeling or why I didn't have the drive to write. I think now that I didn't particularly feel like dragging you all along with me.

I'm not sure that I'm out of the tunnel, but I am at a cross-roads where I can continue to isolate myself and risk loosing everything I have worked so hard to gather, or I can push myself out of my comfort zone and hopefully gain even more than I have already.

I like this flower because it helps remind me that there are beauty and light to be found if we look for them.

This isn't a promise that I'll be back on my normal writing schedule, but it is at least a start in the right direction. It still hurts to look at the computer screen, so my time is limited. That is another reason for the lack of writing drive.

I want you to know that I think of you often. Like I've said so many times before, it helps knowing that there are people out there thinking of me who know what it feels like to have migraines like mine. Thanks so much for your support!

Quick Note

2006-01-24T23:14:00.000-08:00

I can't write much, but I wanted to check in and let you all know that I am doing ok. I am on a new preventative as well as a new abortive, both of which seem to be helping a little. I'll give more details soon.

Until then, I'll leave you with this thought:

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your joys in stone. ~Author Unknown

Announcement and Update

2006-01-03T04:35:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't read ChronicBabe regularly, I'm excited to announce that Jenni, the Editrix, featured me on the second edition of her new weekly feature, LadyBloggers. Check it out here. The feature actually was published Dec 15th, but I haven't been on the computer much at all lately so I wasn't aware of it until now.

Now, an update on my condition: As expected, the migraines are at their worst right now. Winter is the hardest time of year for me even when on a working preventative, so I was planning for this. Unfortunately, my family is constantly hoping for the best and they have had a harder time dealing with this increased level of pain.

I think I've said this before, but I honestly believe that I have the better end of the deal compared to my family... I would choose to be in terrible pain myself any day, rather than watch a family member suffer with me completely powerless to help them.

Even though most of my days are being spent in bed or on the couch, I am doing fairly well emotionally. Everyone came over to our house for Christmas morning and I was able to lay on the couch and enjoy the holiday with them. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

Hopefully I will be better soon and back to writing more often. If not, know that I am thinking of you all, my cyber-friends. You will never know how much comfort it brings me just knowing that you all are "out there" thinking of me! :)

Carnival of Compassion

2005-12-18T15:24:00.000-08:00

I first started blogging as a way to help keep myself positive in the face of these terrible migraines. I also hoped that I could help boost other's spirits at the same time. Now that I've been blogging just over a year, I've found other people who are trying to help themselves and others with their blogs just like I am.

The most beneficial thing that's come out of blogging is the connection with other people who understand what I'm going through. There is a strange power to being understood and heard.

On that note, welcome to the Carnival of Compassion! In this edition, I will highlight one of my favorite blogs that helps keep me fighting strong against migraines, and then I'll list some newly created blogs that are out there.

One of my all-time favorite blogs is Kerrie's blog, The Daily Headache. This is because Kerrie does all the work of reading the latest information out there and compiling it for easy access. She posts almost every day and I can always count on her having an interesting point of view or some piece of information I didn't know.

Now here are some brand new migraine blogs! Let's check them out and give our support to the authors.

Rob is a husband and new father who struggles with migraines. His blog, Xinc's Domain, discusses medications and migraine symptoms. One of his recent posts discusses the concept of "micro aura".

Art describes himself as "a 20-something home owner part time student full time programmer with a life partner and a dog" who uses photography to keep his sanity. His blog, Pain in the Head, dwells on dealing with the effects of migraine and contemplating future treatments all mixed with a wry sense of humor.

Angel has been blogging for a year now, but I just discovered her blog: Give Me Something To Sing About. She has dealt with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia for 10 years. Being a stay-at-home mother of two, her blog focuses more on the details of her life. I enjoyed her Headache Q&A post.

Finally, this blog is too new for me to know much about it, so I'll just give the link to you: Through the Eyes of a Migraine. It looks like it has potential.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this edition of the Carnival of Compassion. Keep in mind that I keep a list of great migraine and health related blogs in the sidebar, and I'm always adding more, so go check it out if your ever in the surfing mood! ;)

Winter & Anniversaries

2005-12-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

For me, every winter has the feeling of anniversaries. This winter is the first anniversary of my journal and my blog. It has always been the anniversary of my life and Jesus' birth. For seven years now it has been the anniversary of my marriage with a wonderful man.

Sadly it is also the anniversary of the migraines taking over four years ago and the anniversary of having to stop working three years ago. But a wonderful thing, an amazing thing, also happened right after I stopped working and that is the anniversary of truly meeting God in person for the first time.

So while winter may seem like a dead time of year to most people, it is a very alive and renewing time of year for me.

One Word

2005-11-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

I got this email from my sister:
"Describe me in ONE WORD...just one word! Send it to me only, then send this message to your friends and see how many strange things people say about you!"

The words that came back about me were:

Serene, Cherished, Sweet, Compassionate, Feeling, Sister, Mine, Thoughtful, Faithful, Beautiful, Talented, Hopeful, Intelligent, Persevering

Migraine Art

2005-11-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

My friend Kerrie at The Daily Headache posted about Help Needed for Migraine Art. Here are my answers:

1. How long have you suffered and how much of your time is spent in pain?

I've had headaches ever since I was 12 years old, but they were mostly tension type headaches with just a few migraines, and I didn't know they were migraines at the time. Then in September 2001 I had three headaches that were worse than anything I had previously experienced. I made an appointment and in October I was diagnosed with Migraines.

Ever since my diagnosis the migraines have continued to get worse and I began missing more and more work until finally I had to go on Long Term Disability on December 20th, 2002. That date will be forever burned in my memory.

I have since been approved for Social Security Disability and I am in pain 99% of the time. Right now my daily pain level fluctuates between 4 to 8 on the pain scale. If I'm at a 4 pain level, then I'm having a really great day. A normal day is level 6 pain.

2. What sort of drugs have you been on and what were the side effects? Are the side effects worth it?

I have been on anti-depressants, calcium channel blockers, beta blockers, anti-seizure meds, and bi-polar meds.

The only preventative to ever work was Lithium, a bi-polar med. It was effective from March 2003 to December 2004, but then it stopped working and made me throw up all the time. It was so bad that my husband was having to give me phenergan injections three or four times a week sometimes.

Due to all the injections, I suffered nerve damage in my L4 nerve on the outside of my thigh just above my knee. There is a whole patch of skin that doesn't have feeling and when I'm cold that patch doesn't get any goose bumps. It feels really strange. I have to take Nortryptaline to prevent the nerve pain because the pain can be severe at times and it doesn't respond to pain medications.

Topamax and Depakote, both anti-seizure meds, changed my personality. Topamax was the worst. I suffered panic attacks and complete psychotic episodes with no memory of them afterward. It was scary crazy! Depakote was mild in comparison. With that I was mostly depressed and clumsy. It did increase my bust by one full cup size though, go figure!

So far I haven't had to deal with a preventative that worked well and also gave me bad side effects. I'm not sure which way I would go on that. Right now, the side effects I've suffered through are only worth it because that means one more potential preventative has been eliminated from the list. This way I'm not wondering if there is something out there that might work for me if only I would give it a try.

3. What might you give up to make your migraines go away?

At this point I've given up so much that I really don't have anything else that I could give up. Would I give up one eye or a finger? Maybe...

4. Are your family and friends or coworkers understanding of your pain?

My family are understanding. They knew me before the migraines ever hit, so they've seen how much I've changed due to the weight of constant pain. I can't work anymore, so no coworkers... The friends I have now are the ones who stuck with me through the migraines, so the non-understanding ones faded away.

5. Finally, write anything you think is important. What is the most important thing you want to express about migraines?

So much time is spent in pain that our lives are shortened, both figuratively and literally. Figuratively we have less participation in life from the time spent in bed and literally the stress of constant pain and lack of exercise can reduce our life expectancy.

I think the most important thing migraineurs need to do is fight the migraines as much as possible. Accept the reality of them, then fight them. Don't give in to despair, decide that your life will still be full of meaning and joy in spite of the terrible pain. Find things that make you smile and keep them around you in your house. Find supportive people and dump the downer people. Treasure and make the most of every moment.

Music & iTunes Fun

2005-11-18T05:00:00.000-08:00

Music has played a very important role in my life ever since my early childhood. Through music I find both an escape and a way to express my emotions. I like a wide variety of music and I can't go more than a day without listening to it. If I had to choose my all-time favorite bands, they would be Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Tori Amos, and Sheryl Crow. Other high favorites are Bjork, Incubus, DJ Shadow, VAST, Sigur Rós, and Coldplay. In all reality, it would take too long to list the CD's that I listen to on a regular basis. What I've been listening to the most this week are Tori Amos, VAST, DJ Shadow, Radiohead, and Poe.

On that note, my sister did a fun little iTunes music survey that I'm going to do too! If you have iTunes, open it up and search the library to answer the questions below. Then post a comment so I can go read your answers on your blog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Total Number of Songs in Library:
2089 songs, which is 6.1 days worth of continuous music! (I'm still not finished importing all of my CD's.)

2. Sort by Song Title:
Place: Song Title - Band Name (Album Name)
First: #34 - Dave Matthew's Band (Under The Table And Dreaming)
Last: Zoo Station - U2 (Achtung Baby)

3. Sort by Time:
Place: (Time) Song Title - Band Name (Album Name)
First: (0:09) Horn Intro - Modest Mouse (Good News For People Who Love Bad News)
Last: (23:28) Echoes - Pink Floyd (Meddle)

4. Sort by Album:
Place: Album Name - Band Name
First: () - Sigur Rós
Last: World Of Noise - Everclear

5. Top Five Most Played Songs:
(Times Played) Song Title - Band Name (Album Name)
1. (51) Hurt - Johnny Cash (American IV - The Man Comes Around)
2. (43) Holding Out For A Hero - Frou Frou (Shrek 2 Soundtrack)
3. (39) Run - Snow Patrol (Final Straw)
4. (33) Love Song - 311 (Greatest Hits '93 - '03)
5. (33) I Don't Have Anything - VAST (Music For People)

6. Find "death", How many songs come up?
Song Title - Band Name (Album Name)
1. Instant Death - The Beasty Boys (Hello Nasty)
2. Death Of A Party - Blur (Blur)
3. Death or Glory - The Clash (London Calling)
4. Hands Around My Throat - Death In Vegas (Animatrix: The Album)
5. Deathblow - Deftones (Deftones)
6. Wildfire - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
7. Will You - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
8. Change The World - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
9. Execute The Sounds - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
10. Find My Way - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
11. Revolution - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
12. The Reasons - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
13. Freedom Fighters - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
14. Waiting On Today - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
15. I And Identify - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
16. Asthma - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)
17. Eternal - P.O.D. (Payable On Death)

Find "love", How many songs come up?
71 Songs, by 32 Artists, on 34 Albums!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turtles

2005-11-17T01:44:00.000-08:00

My favorite animals are turtles. I've always liked them, but it was in high school when I started identifying with them. I was on the swim team and I had a habit of talking to everyone in the dressing room instead of getting dressed. Because of this I was ALWAYS the last one out of the locker room. The coaches would turn off the lights when I came out without checking the locker room because they knew no one else would be in there or else I would be talking to them instead of walking out!

At the end of the swim season the president and vice-president of the swim team came up with gag gifts and nick names for each of the swimmers. My gift was a packet of turtle stickers and I was dubbed the "Turbulent Tortoise: fast in water, slow on land". Ever since then my love of turtles and my identity with them has been permanent and unshakable.

I think one reason I identify with turtles so much is that they have a shell that they carry around all the time. Like them, I typically like to stay close to home, and when I am away from home I like to have my family with me. Also like turtles, every so often I need to withdraw into my shell and get away from the world to regenerate myself. After a while I'll come out and be social again.

Whatever the reason, I'm forever in love with turtles!

Latest News...

2005-11-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

Last week I fell down the stairs. :( Somehow when I was halfway down the stairs my foot slipped and I landed on my tail bone. I bounced down a few more steps while still on my backside, and then slid down the rest to the bottom where I landed on my hands and knees. Needless to say, I'm pretty sore from that. I have a bruise on my elbow and my knee hurts slightly. Those are minor though compared to my tail bone pain. I'm not sure if I just bruised it or if I broke it, but it has hurt really bad ever since then. I can't sit right and I have to be really careful how I move. Sometimes it hurts as bad as my head!

I'm blaming this incident on the Depakote because it has been making me excessively clumsy lately. I've mostly noticed it through dropping things all the time. I never did that before the Depakote and now sometimes I practically throw things when I drop them.

I was going to wait until my neurologist appointment this Friday to talk to her about going off the Depakote, but my fall down the stairs was the last straw. I called my neurologist and asked if I could go off the Depakote right away. She said yes and gave me a ramp-down schedule so I'll be off it by Friday. I can't wait!!

I'm not sure what preventative my neurologist will suggest for me next. We had discussed trying Lithium again in January, but now that my thyroid is enlarged I'm thinking I want to wait a while before going back on it. Come to find out, both Lithium and Depakote can mess with your thyroid... Luckily my thyroid function is still ok and the biopsy came back fine.

Maybe we'll just not try anything for a while and give my body a break from all the chemicals. I'm tired of all the pills and side effects!

Staying Positive

2005-11-04T04:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement and prayers. I'm pretty sure that the Depakote is the culprit for my depression lately. Which means that I've been working harder at staying positive.

I am looking forward to January since that is when my neurologist said that I can try the Lithium again. I will be seeing her soon, and maybe she will take me off the Depakote until then, or maybe she will have something else for me to try. Either way, I really don't care anymore. I've prepared myself to expect unrelenting full-force migraine pain through the holidays and I am surprisingly okay with that.

I am just taking things one day at a time. Actually, some days are one hour or even one minute at a time. God is definitely near and comforting me, but that doesn't stop the Depakote-induced sadness. At least this depression is from an external source. Knowing that it will go away soon is enough to endure it.

I remind myself that I must never give up the fight against migraines. I will never surrender to despair. I try to get rid of anything and everything that brings me down. I have FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE. I lean on these things and surround myself with them. I gather people and memories around me that bring these things into my life. I am strong and will thrive through this trial!

Zeus' Puppy Picture Featured

2005-10-30T17:11:00.000-08:00

My sister posted this puppy picture of Zeus on stock.xchng. It was found by the creator of The Daily Puppy, and he featured Zeus there last Thursday. Being the proud mamma I am, I just had to share it with you all.

Finally, I just couldn't resist showing you this card (see below)! It is sooo cute!!! Can you tell that I'm a complete sucker for chihuahuas?!

Depakote Disappointment

2005-10-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

I have finally faced the fact that the increased dosage of Depakote is not delivering the desired results. Top that off with the side effect of severe abnormal emotionalism and you will understand why I've been crying my eyes out all night...

I can't sleep and I'm worried about a couple of my friends who each recently received some pretty bad news. Like I said, I can't stop crying...

Something Fun

2005-10-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

Mishkyn at Ronda's Migraine Page posted about a cool website, Mr. Picassohead, where you can make your own picassohead and view other's creations.

You can see my drawings here, and here.

The Ocean

2005-10-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

My favorite thing on earth is the magnificent ocean, especially the Pacific Northwest Ocean where I grew up. Even in the summer, the ocean is always active and potentially dangerous. I remember the times I spent walking along the beach by myself as a young girl. No matter what mood I was in, the ocean would greet me in kind.

If I walked the beach long enough, the salt and moisture in the air combined with the roar of the waves would make me feel like the ocean was the only place that existed. If I was upset, the raw churning of the waves would match the writhing pain in my chest and the foam created from the pounding waves expressed my frothing anger. The haunting cry of the seagulls echoed the aching loneliness in my heart and the biting wind buffeted me the same way the events of life tossed me about.

And yet the ocean was never a reminder of hurts, rather these were indications that the ocean understood me in ways that no one else did. Just being close enough to hear the ocean could sooth my heart. Walking along the beach would scrub my emotions out and I could find peace there. Those were the times where I first felt the presence and power of God.

I drew strength from the ocean back then. Though I no longer need it the way I did, sometimes imagining the ocean can help me get through a severe migraine. When you do hypnotherapy you are told to imagine a room where you feel safe and happy. Are you surprised that my room has a huge window that opens to the ocean?

Update on Depakote

2005-10-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

A while ago I mentioned that my dose of Depakote was raised to 1,000 mg a day. The good news is that so far this month, I've had just two severe days and I've actually had four mild days! This is tremendous because I haven't had a mild day in months.

Another improvement is that even on the days when I've had moderate pain, they've been easier than last month. For example, instead of having constant pain at a 5 or 6 all day, this month I've been having pain at a 4 or 5 that will subside down to a 3 for a while.

The only problem is that I'm having some tough side effects right now. I am having poor sleep where I can't get to sleep and then even when I do, I keep waking up every two hours or so and I'm having vivid bad dreams. Normally I sleep through the night and I don't dream.

The other main issue is that I've been really emotional and not myself. An example is that a movie I've seen a bunch of times and which has never made me cry before will have me sobbing through practically the whole movie. I am also more sensitive to things that normally wouldn't effect me in the slightest.

Lastly, I am having some cognitive issues with memory and communication. I've been very forgetful and out of it. I won't understand what someone has just said, or won't be able to say the word I want to. People have asked me a question and even though I heard the words, I can't grasp the meaning of what they said. This has been frustrating to say the least.

Hopefully these side effects will pass soon. I remember feeling a little bit like this when I first started the Depakote at 500 mg. That passed within a week or two, and I'm hoping these will do the same. What I'm not sure about is if I will be able to tolerate these side effects if they don't go away but the Depakote helps reduce the migraines...

New Blog, Great Topics

2005-10-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

I just ran across a very well written cancer blog, Limbodacious . The author had four posts that hit me pretty hard. Check them out:

The first one, Let It Be Known: I Am Pissed, is about people saying things like "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me." While I know that I have made a statement somewhat like that, it was different. What I said was, "Migraines are both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me." To me, the first statement is a denial of the truth while the second statement allows for acceptance. It means that though I wish the migraines had never come, I can still be me and enjoy my life in spite of them.

I wonder sometimes if this blog doesn't come off more on the side of denial. There are times when this disease overwhelms me and I am driven into the ground with despair, but I don't like to write about those times because then they will be in the forefront of my memory all the time. Instead I want to remember the times when I know I can win and carry on and so that is what I write about. But please never think that I fall in the category of "the at-least-you're-alives, and the why-can't-you-just-move-ons, and the everything-will-be-okays, and the blessing-in-disguises". Like Jess said, I'm in the category of "In everything give thanks", but not "FOR everything give thanks".

The second post, Plowshares into Swords, talks about how the author lost her dreams due to cancer. This post made me cry a little. Disappointment comes hand-in-hand with migraines, and disappointment is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I have always hated it and it has always hurt me deeper than other things. Disappointments from decades ago still make me physically hurt in the center of my chest when I think of them. I suppose some things you never grow out of. *Sigh*

The third post, Of Waves of Panic and Waves of Change, captures how I feel at times. It voices something I knew but hadn't verbalized yet. She wrote "how someday I hoped to look back upon my pain and consider it beautiful despite its darkness and danger, that somewhere very far past the horizon we see there is, in fact, the other side. I knew it wouldn't have made sense, and partly I wanted to keep it a secret between me and the water." I have days like the one she described, but when I do I feel like this often. Knowing that eventually, being free of migraines, I will look back on my pain and know it for what it really was without the fear and dread it brings me now.

The fourth post is a Letter to Cancer. No comment necessary, this says it all.

Thankful for Suffering??

2005-10-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

An anonymous commenter on my last post got me thinking about whether or not we are supposed to be thankful for our suffering. After thinking for a while, I would say that we are not supposed to be thankful for suffering.

While the Bible teaches that God can use any situation to work positive things into our lives, that doesn't mean that every situation is a good thing. God can bring good things out of bad circumstances, but we shouldn't say thank you for something terrible like a murder or suicide. I will never say thanks for this migraine... These events may be able to bring us closer to God, but they are not good and we should not say thanks for them.

It is my understanding that we are not told to be grateful for suffering. Rather, we are simply told to be patient and to look for ways in which we can use the suffering to make us grow stronger and closer to God.

Any thoughts on this?

Faith Explored

2005-10-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

I promised a while ago that I would share some revelations I had about faith in regards to these monstrous migraines. I had been asking God a lot about when will I be healed, how much longer will I suffer with them. I feel so limited all the time and sometimes I get so discouraged.

My revelation first started when I was reading the "Sermon on the Mount" in Matthew 5 through 7 where it goes through all the Beatitudes of who God blesses and gives other various teachings. I read this over and over for a few days, then moved on to Matthew 8 and 9 where it talks about Jesus healing people. I noticed that Jesus kept healing in response to people's faith and I began to wonder about my faith. Was I not being healed due to lack of faith?

To learn more about faith, I moved on to Hebrews 11. The first verse says: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Moving on to verse 6, "It is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." Well, I'm thinking to myself that I do have faith under these definitions.

Hebrews 11:7-12 lists the stories of people who were great examples of faith. Then verse 13 says, "All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it." The rest of the chapter goes on to list other people who exhibited faith and the last verses (Hebrews 11:39&40) say, "All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. For God has something better in mind for us, so that they would not reach perfection without us."

The part that hit me was that they did not receive all that was promised because God had something better in mind for us. The thought I had was maybe being healed in the next life could be better than being healed now. I don't understand how that could be, but I don't have to figure it out, I can just rest in the fact that God knows best and wants the best for me.

So then my question was, what now? Hebrews 12:1-4 spells out that since we have the examples of so many people who had faith, we should keep fighting the trials that are before us. Hebrews 12:12-13 says, "So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong."

This describes me perfectly. My hands are tired and my knees are weak. My whole body feels lame and ready to fall. But I have faith that I will win over these migraines and one day I will be free of them, whether in this world or the next, I will be free.

Back Again, with New Med Instructions

2005-09-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back on the internet again. The computer is completely moved now, so there should be no more internet interruptions. Of course, there will probably still be migraine interruptions as normal...

I had another visit with my neurologist. Since I've been on the Depakote for almost two months now with no results, she raised my Depakote dose from 500 mg a day to 1,000 mg a day. I have been ramping up to that dose and today is my first day at 1,000 mg. I can't say that it has made any difference, but I guess it is too soon to comment anyway.

This weekend was a complete nightmare, literally. Normally I get the worst migraines in the morning. However, both Saturday and Sunday I woke up feeling fairly ok (which means pain level 4 or below). I was surprised and hopeful that these were signs of good days. I should have known better than to get my hopes up because instead, the migraines showed up in full force those evenings. Both Saturday and Sunday evenings were spent all night in terrible pain of the most severe nature (pain level 9). I haven't had migraines that severe in over a month.

Today was better and so far (crossing fingers) the pain has decided not to hit me again this evening. Now I can just hope that I feel good enough for my morning appointment tomorrow.

On another note, I was reading my Bible and came across something about Faith that I want to share with you. My Faith has definitely been tried this weekend, and I think I've come out stronger on the other end. I hope I can explain my experiences to you. Look for that to come...

Still Here...

2005-09-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Hey, I've been away for a while, so I wanted to check in and let you know what's up with me. The migraines are the same as usual. The depakote seems to have reduced the amount of super severe migraines, but has yet to do anything about the near daily pain level 5-7 moderate/severe migraines.

On other notes, we are moving the computer downstairs where its permanent home will be, so the internet has been disconnected for a while. I've missed visiting Ronda's and reading everyone's blogs. Hopefully the computer will be moved soon and I will be back online.

Until then, take good care of yourselves.

The Problem of Pain

2005-08-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

The Question: Why would a loving, all-powerful, all-knowing God allow people to suffer?

I've asked this myself many times. I believe the answer comes down to free will. God wants us to be free to accept or reject Him. If we didn't have that choice, then we would just be robots rather than the children He desires. This free will does not just apply to humans, either. All of creation, even the atoms, have freedom of choice.

Therefore, if you can make a choice, then there must be a range of options presented to you, from the perfect choice, to the worst choice, and everything in between. Pain and suffering is then to be expected in a world where free will and poor choices are allowed.

Some Christians mistakenly believe that illness and pain are punishments for sins. This is not correct. Illness and pain are the result of the cells in our bodies choosing bad options rather than good options. This is pointed out specifically in the book of Job. Job lived a blameless life, yet his family and body were obliterated with death and disease. Job did nothing wrong to deserve such a fate. Stuff just happens.

God knows the results of every choice we can make in our lives. This is how He knows the full range of what can happen to us from the best to worst. But He doesn't know what we will choose until we actually make that choice. He wants the best for us, but He has chosen to limit His power in this area to allow us to love Him freely and of our own will. God can't start changing things without compromising our free will. This is why we must invite Him into our lives. He won't force Himself on us.

I would much rather live free and suffer than live in slavery and be pain free.