Awakening and Opening

Shedding

2005-08-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

There is in the body a current of energy, affection and intelligence, which guides, maintains and energizes the body and mind. Discover that current and stay with it. -- Nisargadatta Maharaj

For a number of years, one of my missions in life was caring for diabetic cats. First came my own Timmy, a big, loving orange tabby who became a brittle diabetic at age nine. After I lost him 3-1/2 years later, I realized how much caring for him had benefitted me. The bond one forms with a chronically ill animal is especially deep, as one is constantly monitoring him and sensing how he is feeling. I resolved to keep diabetic kitties in my life and adopted Bobby and Milo within the next few months (as well as my healthy Jenny).

Today I was especially remembering an incident in the early weeks with Bobby, another marvelous orange tabby. He came to me quite frail, down to 8 pounds from his prior 17, listless and dull-eyed. He perked up markedly after just a few days of getting insulin shots.

About ten days later, he started shedding copiously, big gobs of fur seeming just to gush from his skin. Worried, I took him to my good veterinarian. She brushed him down thoroughly, filling a gallon-size plastic bag to the brim with his fur.

We were talking as she brushed, and she explained to me what was occurring. Bobby's body had needed to put every bit of energy it had into coping with the diabetes. His coat was neglected and became coarse and dull. Now that the insulin was "kicking in", his body had the energy to develop a new coat of fur. When the brushing was all done, his new fur was soft and silky-smooth!

I am hoping for a similar outcome in my own life. Once the "disease" of my unworkable living environment is changed, I am hoping for the return of the "smooth" life of observing and paying attention, allowing my mind to continue freely on my journey.

Searching for Noodles

2005-07-27T17:30:00.000-05:00

Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life. - Eckhart Tolle

Despite my rather circumscribed life, I relish adding rich new experiences and small skills. An interest in Japanese cooking has long been lurking in the background of my cooking-mind. With the help of the local library and the Internet, I chose three simple recipes, all using the Japanese broth dashi. Miso Soup with Tofu, Cold Soba Noodles and Japanese Egg-Drop Soup would soon be a part of my repertory.

I consulted with a friend knowledgeable about Japanese food for the best local Asian Market. She immediately mentioned United Noodle in South Minneapolis. I was born and raised in South Minneapolis and, over-confident, did not research driving directions. I started out with my recipes and the happy anticipation of purchasing the unknowns of bunho (sheets of dried kelp), mirin (sweetened rice wine), dried bonita flakes, soba, (buckwheat noodles) and miso paste, as well as the more familiar tofu, snow peas and gingerroot.

I could not find United Noodle. It's in a semi-industrial area, crisscrossed by illogical main streets and a major highway. I felt confused and stressed, which I have learned is a signal to me that my endeavor will not succeed, and I need to just give it up for now.

Feeling very hungry, I came upon the Seward Cafe, one of the hangouts of my bohemian life of the 1970's. I was delighted to see the same organic/vegetarian menu and the same type of clientele, exuding the "question authority" attitude. It was a delight to see anti-war graffiti on the walls, yet with a core of sadness that the world hasn't learned its lessons yet.

I lunched marvelously on a falafel- and tabbouleh-filled warm pita, accented by hummus and some wonderful sauces for dipping, all to be scooped up with pita chips.

Tired, I headed for home and my sofa. I paused first to check online where exactly United Noodle is located. I never would have come across it without this explicit map and driving directions. Next time, I will be able to drive right to the "Noodle". Then, I believe I'll check out Seward Cafe's long-remembered Huevos Rancheros!

Hugging

2005-07-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." ~Joseph Campbell~

Patricia is proving to be a locator of resources for me. She has started the process of getting me into massage therapy at Courage Center. For the purpose of insurance approval, this will submitted as a method of pain control. In actuality, I am feeling a dearth of caring touch from another human being. I do get occasional hugs from friends and family. However, others are highly aware of the fragility of my bones, and the hugs are so light and fleeting as to leave my soul untouched.

I have lived alone for many years, but I am remembering now some occasions when touch and sleep have attached themselves to my emotional life.

I have a male cousin, a few years younger than myself, whose life was blighted early on by severe Type 1 diabetes, kidney failure and the need for dialysis. Whenever I went to visit the family, I would take special care to hug him thoroughly. One time he thanked me deeply for the hugs, saying that when you're always a patient, the hugs don't happen.

In my childhood, a beloved aunt would come to stay with us each winter for a few weeks. She would share my double bed, even though we were 60 years apart in age. Every night, we would lightly scratch each other's back and talk about so many things.

I was visiting a friend several years ago when I became very tired. I laid down for a nap on her sofa while she continued her sewing. It was such an unaccustomed, incredibly safe feeling to be falling asleep while she remained awake.

Somehow our modern, Western need for "personal space" is not natural. We are meant to live in groups, to give each other the nuturance of physical closeness. We are meant to sleep close together, for warmth, for protection from the dangers that exist outside of the light from the campfire.

At the least, I would wish for more hugs for those that need them.

Honoring Change

2005-07-13T21:30:00.000-05:00

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature. -- Unknown

About six weeks ago, my Red Hat Society chapter visited the University of Minnesota Landscape Arboretum (Linked), a 1700-acre treasure of natual beauty located on the eastern fringe of the Twin Cities. The mission of the Arboretum is to educate, develop new plant varieties for Minnesota's extreme climate and to give enjoyment to the public. There is an excellent Visitors Center and lunchroom, as well as a motorized tram, the "Trumpet Creeper", that takes visitors on a guided tour of the grounds.

I realized that day that, although I had been there 15 to 20 times in my life, my visits were at random seasons of the year. With all the changes and transitions in my life at this time, I made the decision to vist there monthly. I wish to witness and honor the changes that occur throughout each month of the year. My good friend, G, wished to experience this as well, and she will be my companion and helper during these visits.

Today the two of us met for an excellent lunch, then boarded the tram for the tour. There were so many more flowers in bloom than in late May, with the emphasis this year on the primary colors, plus orange. The smoke bushes were crowned with the hazy soft orange aureoles of their blooms. Many trees have started to develop their distinctive fruits, and I especially noted the chestnuts, the eucalyptus and the apricot trees.

I chose to "tune out" the tour leader's spoken words and focus instead on the different visual sensations, holding an attitude of peace, attending to the changes and letting the impressions float past me.

In contrast to the current rampant societal proclivity to violate and "use up" our earth, the Arboretum preserves and conserves these treasures of trees, bushes and plants. Their plans for development and enhancement reach far into the future.

We returned to the Visitors Center and enjoyed a cafe mocha and delicious muffins.

It was a terribly hot day, with temperatures varying around the 90-degree mark, and I am feeling quite physically depleted tonight. My heart is filled, however. Our next visit will be in mid-August.

A Pure Space

2005-07-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself." --Anais Nin

I have had basically the same furniture for my entire 18 years in my home. While the pieces are comfortable and familiar, this place held a lot of painful emotions, anguish and tears in the past. I want to bring more peace and positive energy into my new personal sanctuary, with furniture spiritually clean and full of positive energy.

Therefore, I will be replacing my major pieces of furniture, and they will be of a smaller size. My new apartment will be 580 sq. ft., as opposed to my current 750 sq. ft. This will be entirely "do-able". Much of the difference is due to the much smaller kitchen space needed when in assisted living.

My long, long sofa and large chairs will be replaced by furniture more in tune with my 4', 7" height. My double bed will go, to be replaced with a youth-size bed. The large kitchen table will also go, as I'll only need a table for two.

But wonderful for me, I will be buying bookcases that will all match! My book-life has always been contained in various nicked and scratched, mis-matched bookcases. It was always a dream of mine to have a wall of books in magnificent matching cases lined up along a very long wall. After my downsizing, I will be able to do with four or five six-foot-tall bookcases. I may need to purchase them from Ikea, but they will all match!

The word has spread among my Jewish friends and acuquaintances here about my moving to Knollwood Place. One woman downstairs, Cindy, has been instructing me about the laws of Kasruth, or kosher cooking. It is really interesting, even though I will just be eating kosher, not cooking it. As it turns out, she will be a good resource if I should need to hire help in the run up to moving and later as I unpack. For several years she and a couple of friends had a small business called Rent-A-Yenta (I love the name!). She will be willing to help with whatever I need at an hourly rate.

I spend quite a bit of time lying on the sofa with my heated pillows, blanket and Jenny-Cat. I can be pain-free that way. It's also a place to just rest and connect with my body. Patricia used the term "sacred space" for my sofa. Somehow, naming it thus has made it more truly my place of peace and healing.

Personal Changes

2005-07-08T18:48:00.000-05:00

Home is oneness, home is my original nature. It is right here, simply in what is. There is nowhere else I have to go, and nothing else I have to become. Tony Parsons

I've been absent from here for so long! I believe I have gone through a period of doing my "work" with emotions and physical action rather than words. My physical condition has deteriorated significantly. There has been pain, both in body and mind, as well as goodbyes a-plenty.

A new plan has evolved with my move to Knollwood Place. I will be relocating as soon as an apartment becomes available, probably sometime between September and November. A handyman will then come in to do the necessary repairs and renovation here, and my condo will go on the market. This plan was developed by my nephew, the realtor, as a way to avoid my having to stumble through the work-in-progress that my place will be.

My "downsizing" is proceeding in earnest, and I am humbly accepting the help of some good friends. My participation in the process must be strictly limited to sorting through a few boxes while giving instructions of "keep" or "that goes". I sometimes feel a curious vulnerability when allowing these trusted folks into the dusty minutiae of my personal belongings.

I said goodbye to my beloved therapist when she retired on May 31st. Of course it was a wrenching experience. However, there is strong potential for a deep and satisfying relationship with my new therapist, Patricia. She is a Buddhist, and our work will be both therapy and spiritual teaching.

She has already connected me with a local practitioner who teaches the program outlined in Jon Kabat-Zinn's Full-Catastrophe Living (linked). It was featured in Bill Moyers' Healing and the Mind. It is designed to help one deal with stress and pain without medication. I am already enrolled in the eight-week program beginning in September.

I just continue to breathe in, breathe out, let go and accept.

Arghh!

2005-04-05T15:28:00.000-05:00

I've had a major catastrophe with a spyware/adware explosion..back when it's fixed

Potpourri

2005-03-28T19:13:00.000-06:00

"Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us - in the world and in nature - and within us - in our bodies and in our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice."--Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Zen Master

Easter dinner yesterday at my niece's home was a mixed-feeling kind of experience for me. My Brother No. 2 and I were the only ones there who are not religious fundamentalists and Republicans. On the good side, her husband, a successful realtor in Elk River, MN, will come here in the next couple of weeks to give advice on what renovation and redecorating I'll need to do to make my place more salable. He also will be handling the sale.

I was given the advice to not decide on Knollwood Place too quickly. Perhaps there are cheaper facilities out there? After further checking, it appears that Knollwood is probably the best place to go, especially seeing that I don't want to move to the inner city.

W, L and I had our meeting this morning. We reached agreement on most of the basics for organizing the Courage Center Red Hats. Posters are going up to announce our first meeting on Monday, April 11th, at 10:00 in the cafeteria. Since I will be the Queen Mother of the chapter, I will be filling out a CC Volunteer Application. They need to check public records on everyone who is volunteering in order to rule out those with criminal histories or sexual offenders. This is a good thing, as there are many vulnerable adults and children involved.

I did another tour of my complex today. I had been looking forward to a solitary stroll and sitting in the walker for a while, basking in the 65 degree sunshine. A neighbor appeared, however, and started walking with me. She and her husband have Down Syndrome but function at a pretty high level. They have their own condo here, and they do rather well, as long as they have assistance with bill-paying and business matters. I decided that being in the moment with this neighbor was more important than my initial wish for solitude. She is an active advocate for the mentally retarded, and I commended her for speaking out for her community. So few are able to do this.

SETI@Home

2005-03-26T18:52:00.000-06:00

"Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it."--Sylvia Boorstein

Many people have heard of SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. Radio telescopes are systematically being pointed around the universe in an attempt to locate radio signals, and thus find other intelligent beings. SETI is organized out of the University of California at Berkeley.

What you may not know is that SETI relies on countless Internet-connected computers around the world for analysis of all the data collected by the radio telescopes. I participated in this for a while two years ago. The program is safe and runs in the background on your computer. No-one has experienced problems in all the years this system has been in operation. There is a bit of a competitive nature to the data analysis as well. People can form teams and earn "credits" for the number of analyses they complete.

On the chance that people might like further information, I have included the link to a fellow member of the Autumn Leaves Webring, Nilknarf. He tells how to start on your own or join a team. I have just joined his.

Being connected up with SETI again is a nice counterpoint to my blogging. A blog is a way to put bits of yourself into the indefinable ether to see if someone might be listening. SETI is making it more likely that Earth will hear if someone is calling out to us. And I can do my part.

It's A Good Friday

2005-03-25T18:44:00.000-06:00

Be interested in yourself beyond all experience, be with yourself, love yourself; the ultimate security is found only in self-knowledge. Be honest with yourself and nothing will betray you.
-- Nisargadatta Maharaj

This afternoon I grabbed my walker and did a tour of the condominium complex. We're starting a warming-up period here in Minneapolis, today being 42 degrees and sunny. It was a bit blustery, however, so I did not linger or stop to sit in the sun. Usually my body directs my gaze downward, but today I stopped to examine the trees for buds. Sure enough, the first tiny bud-bulges are everywhere. I smiled, glad to see proof that Nature goes on, despite the chaos human beings are causing in the world.

Inside again, I reflected on the awful, still-remembered, Good Friday experiences of my childhood. Raised in a fundamentalist Lutheran church, it was a given that one must attend a service from 12:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. Three hours in a darkened church hearing long dirge-like hymns interspersed with words of pain and agony.

I am glad to be the adult here and now, rather than the child there and then.

For too many years, well into adulthood, I lived in a world where every thought, feeling and behavior was instantly recognizable as "black" or "white". "Black" predominated.

In my current life of mindfulness and gratitude, almost everything is "gray". And Truth exists within myself, in the moment, an integral part of the Universe.

Moderating My Enthusiasm

2005-03-24T20:35:00.000-06:00

"Instead of frittering away your vibrancy with worry or distraction, realize your mind and body are inextricably united. What calms and tones up one, soothes and improves the other." --Marsha Sinetar

While I'm still very enthusiastic about Knollwood Place, my enthusiasm yesterday had me mentally hurrying myself to start living there as soon as possible. But there is a lot to do, and I don't want to stress myself too much. I will give myself the coming year to get ready.

I also realized I do not want to give up my car until there are physical reasons for me not to drive, not just financial ones.

So I will begin some lists of things to do, the order in which to do them, etc.

Right now I'm looking at the Knollwood Place menu to see what I could be choosing for dinner tonight:

March 24

Navy Bean Soup
Tossed Salad
Veal Roast
or Poached Salmon Fillets
Mashed Potatoes
Green Beans
Assorted Breads
Baked Apples
or Butterscotch Sundae

I THINK I can wait.

Good Changes Coming

2005-03-23T17:24:00.000-06:00

Your actions in life set your course and determine the destination of your travels. Your reactions in life create the climate in which you travel. -- Beth Joh

I met with the intake person at Knollwood Place this afternoon, accompanied by my brother and sister-in-law. I'll start by saying that this will be a wonderful place in which to live, and I am applying at this time.

The evening meals, as shown on this month's menu, compare well with good restaurant-quality fare. They are offered five days per week at $10 per meal. By registering (for a small fee) with the onsite health care office, a number of medical services are provided by nursing staff on site. I can hire cleaning help as needed. There will be no danger of my falling and lying on the floor for days, because of the "Okay Card" system.

And the amenities! A sunroom with vending machines and a convenience store, card room, computer room, common room with big-screen TV and a library, an auditorium, exercise room, barber and beauty shop, Post Office truck every week, many planned activities and informal groupings, as well as scheduled van transportation 3 times per week. There is a free continental breakfast five days per week with juices, hot and cold cereal, muffins, bagels and toast.

I looked at three of their units. I am going to take one of their smallest one-bedroom apartments, 580 square feet, at a cost of $1199 per month. This will slow down the depletion of my assets. It will be an entirely "livable" space for me, with a 12' x 18' living room and 10' x 13' bedroom. The kitchen is small, but I won't be doing a great deal of cooking. The bathroom is safety-enhanced. There is a good amount of closet space and cupboards in the kitchen.

When I move to Knollwood Place, I believe I will give up driving and sell my car. I will continue my outside activities via senior transportation or taxi. BUT I will be able to take Jenny-Cat with me, for a one-time charge of $350.

The majority of the residents are Jewish, and the diet is kosher. This will not present a problem to me, as I have always believed I was meant to be born Jewish. The brochure says "you'll have an excellent retirement home enhanced by Jewish traditions and culture". Another resident of Scandinavian background told me she is not treated as an outsider. As well, I am very verbal and pro-Israel, so I should do just fine.

The waiting list is 3 to 5 months. I first must do some redecorating, at which I am a novice. I will also get rid of more "things" that I do not need to accompany me.

Life Purpose

2005-03-21T18:30:00.000-06:00

Holiness comes wrapped in the ordinary. There are burning bushes all around you. Every tree is full of angels. Hidden beauty is waiting in every crumb. Life wants to lead you from crumbs to angels, but this can happen only if you are willing to unwrap the ordinary by staying with it long enough to harvest its treasure.
--Macrina Wiederkehr, O.S.B

I have been considering lately the purpose of my life. After some thought, I realize that I do not need one.

This is not saying my life is aimless. I have daily and intermediate goals and intentions, as well as a calendar book.

What I do mean is that it is okay for me just to be, to exist in this moment. It is enough to watch the sparrow in the tree outside my window and note the sun's passage across the sky. The sun, the sparrow, the tree and myself. We all hold chi, and none of us needs justification.

*********

At Seekers group today we learned that Red Hat Society has been approved by Courage Center. We will have a planning meeting this Thursday. Hopefully we can tease out a bit of a budget for our activities. We hope to have our first meeting in April.

Checking into Knollwood Place

2005-03-19T20:15:00.000-06:00

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
-- Harrison Ford

I have decided to consider Knollwood Place (see link) as my future residence. It is about 1-1/2 miles from my current home. It is not a full assisted living facility, but the price is much more reasonable. I could purchase additional services, such as cleaning, as needed. I would have to keep using bits of my 401(k) capital, but at a much slower rate than the $6,000 per month cost of full assisted living.

D and D, my brother No. 2 and his wife, have encouraged me to pick a place for myself soon, so that when the time comes I'll live in a place that I myself have chosen. They will accompany me to an appointment at Knollwood Place this coming Wednesday afternoon.

I will be able to be content with a new living situation. Contentment comes not from the physical place of residence but from how one is living inside spiritually.

Here in Minnesota we typically have one of our worst snowstorms around the time of the vernal equinox. This year was no exception. I had to forego lunch with friends on Friday, and our Red Hat Society meeting, planned for today, has been postponed.

Kitchen tip: Pizza is much easier to cut if you: 1) Let the pizza sit for 1 minute after it comes out of the oven. This will "set" the cheese. 2) The easiest way to cut pizza is with a kitchen scissors.

Body and Soul

2005-03-17T21:39:00.000-06:00

Do not carry the burden of the past; do not live in the future. The only important thing is that one lives in the present authentically and fully.

Whatever your current life is, be the most you can be by living in the moment.
-- Chan Chih

I've just finished an impactful book, "Minding the Body: Women Writers on Body and Soul". It is a series of essays by published authors. Two main themes are addressed in the 18 essays. The first theme centers around life cycle changes and medical conditions that filter down into and change the female personality. The second is how life-affecting it can be to vary greatly from the "ideal female form" that is touted in American society today.

What is considered ideal is subject to change. Until about 1920, a thin woman wouldn't be an attractive marriage prospect. "Thin" meant difficulty bearing children and probably illness and early death.

And no matter what the ideal, the average dress size for a woman is 12.

Somehow, my mind has always considered physical appearance unimportant. What matters is the soul that looks out through the eyes. What is the emotional depth, openheartedness and honesty of people who cross my path? My focus on "who is living in this body?" has been a protection from those who might bring harm. It also has led me to many kindred spirits.

Author, Author

2005-03-12T13:15:00.000-06:00

"My heart is afraid it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
--Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

This past week I received some totally unexpected, very good news. A couple of folks at Courage Center are planning to publish a book with the central theme of "disability and the soul". It is to be a compilation of pieces written by disabled people. They apparently came up with this idea after seeing some of my blog entries. I will be a contributor, although I don't yet know what this will entail. Perhaps I'll be asked to write on a certain theme.

The book is in the early planning stages yet. If it goes through to publication, I will have the great pleasure of seeing my work not only in the virtual world, but in print and being commercially sold.

In case folks are wondering if I will receive any monetary gains from this, the answer is no. I'll be doing this as volunteer work, with profits from the book going to Courage Center. I am just happy to be able to contribute.

Accepting Impermanence

2005-03-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

Birth will end in death
Youth will end in old age
Wealth will end in loss
Meeting will end in separation
All things in cyclic existence
Are transient and impermanent
-- Unknown

I have been absent from blogging recently while I dealt with a difficult personal separation, set to occur at the end of May. C, my therapist of four years, will be retiring. I initially started seeing her for depression. She helped me to come to terms with, then be at peace with, a lot of old hurt and pain and new medical issues. In addition, she pointed me toward clinics and other resources that have greatly enriched my life. Most important, I started on the path of mindfulness and meditation.

Ah, but impermanence!

I have been in some rebellion lately, and there were health consequences. Emotional distress and not staying in the moment led to a definite slippage in my self-cares (and blogging IS a form of self-care for me!) Now I have been dealing with some hard issues with C, expressing anger that she is leaving me. Anger has always been the hardest emotion for me. And somehow the reality of the impermanence of all relationships is percolating further down into my soul. I am finding some level of acceptance at a more than shallow level. My blogging entries, therefore, should appear more consistently.

I will be continuing on with therapy, for both reviewing and processing my life, as well as to allow further emotional and spiritual growth. W is the facilitator of the Seekers group at Courage Center. I asked her if she knew of a psychotherapist at CC that would be preferable for me. In just a few seconds, her eyes lit up. She knew of a good match for me, because of my emphasis on mindfulness. She promised to see if that therapist had room in her schedule.

The therapist she recommended, P, does have available time and also thinks we'd be a good match. Between now and the end of May, I'll be having an intake evaluation, a joint meeting of C, P and myself, and a couple of sessions with P while I'm still seeing C weekly.

I think this planned transition will be of great value. I am realizing that my medical fragility makes my emotional "safety zone" quite narrow, and that zone must be guarded. Separation, I know, can be a time of much growth, as well as stress. I want to soften the turns in my path to allow a safe journey.

Red Hats at Courage Center

2005-02-21T14:46:00.000-06:00

It takes fierceness to grow old well. It takes a fierce devotion to the word good-bye -- learning how to say it in many ways -- fiercely, yes, but also gently, with laughter, with tears, but, no matter how, to say it every time so that there's no doubt you mean it.
--Michael Ventura, "Across the Great Divide"; Psychotherapy Networker, Jan/Feb 2005

My Seekers Group met at Courage Center this morning. (Courage Center is known around the world for its innovative treatments for the physically disabled. See link.) Thoughts about starting a Red Hat Society chapter at Courage Center have been rattling around in my head. I had felt it would not be a "real" RHS group, as so much of the fun involved is "strutting our stuff" very publicly, showing our pride in our mature status. So many of the members would be wheelchair-bound or have other mobility issues that strutting about would be decidedly difficult.

However, I decided to bring up the idea, and it was met with great enthusiasm. The four over-50 female types in the group, including the facilitator, pounced on this idea as wonderful and long overdue! Although approval must be given by the Courage powers-that-be, we started making some tentative plans. We will do our meetings at Courage Center, which has all kinds of facilities for eating, arts and crafts, visiting, outside activities, etc. W, the facilitator, asked if staff and volunteers at CC could belong. Of course, they can! Perhaps our need to strut about could be met by parading through the facility a bit at each meeting, whether walking or wheeling.

I feel a group that is totally social would be a good addition to the other therapy modalities there. So often disabled women are limited socially as well as physically.

Plans are still very fluid, but I feel in my bones that Red Hatters will rule at Courage Center, as they do everywhere else!

Blessed Routines

2005-02-20T15:10:00.000-06:00

A human being is a part of the whole that we call the universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness. This illusion is a prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for only the few people nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature.
--Albert Einstein

I have worked out some routines for different activities in my daily life. They are thoroughly thought out and take into consideration safety, efficiency and production of the desired results. I have a certain way of making breakfast (currently toad-in-the hole is my favorite), of showering using a shower stool, and getting into and out of my car.

Somehow the fact that these routines were mindfully developed, and that I remain mindful in living the routines, gives a blessing to my spirit and respect to the Universe. It is hard to explain, but it's so very true for me.

M showed up on Friday morning and vacuumed my place. He said he would be back on Saturday to do more, but he did not appear. I have chosen to accept his non-appearances with equanimity. I'll be grateful and happy to see him when he comes, but I will not be upset when he doesn't. That way, each time with him will be pleasurable, rather than being contaminated by my own unhappy, "expecting" thoughts.

The vacuuming was definitely needed, and my carpet looks MUCH better. If you combine a long-haired, mostly white cat who objects to being brushed with a blue carpet.....well, you get the picture.

Today I begin working on my grocery list, which I will call in to Store to Door on Tuesday. It's a more complicated process for me than most folks. I'll write more about it another time.

Pleasures

2005-02-17T20:45:00.000-06:00

Whatever may be the situation, if it is acceptable, it is pleasant. If it is not acceptable, it is painful. What makes it acceptable is not important; the cause may be physical, or psychological, or untraceable; acceptance is the decisive factor. Obversely, suffering is due to non-acceptance. Why [shouldn't pain be acceptable]? Did you ever try? Do try and you will find in pain a joy which pleasure cannot yield, for the simple reason that acceptance of pain takes you much deeper than pleasure does -- Unknown

I am really pleased about a new kitchen gadget which arrived in the mail yesterday. It is a device that will let you know precisely when eggs are soft-boiled, medium-boiled and hard-boiled. It is bright red, oval in shape, and has a flat bottom. You place it in the pan when you put the eggs on to boil, and different-looking images of an egg appear as they reach each stage of hardness. According to the package, the sensor detects temperature, and it thus adjusts automatically for number of eggs, amount of water and even altitude! My brother, the physicist, described to me the process used to measure temperature precisely. It's basically the same method as is used in thermostats.

Its arrival now is particularly welcome. The companionable commenters at John Bailey's blog, Journal of a Writing Man, directed me recently to a "conversion chart" of British and American terms (link below). Described on this site was the practice of dipping toast strips into soft-boiled eggs. My new timer delivered perfectly-boiled soft eggs, and the toast fingers provided the ideal way to eat them.

I had two very welcome visitors tonight. My Ethiopian friend M had volunteered earlier to do my house-cleaning for me (and for free). He came one time and did a marvelous job, but then I heard nothing further from him. I assumed that he had, out of the goodness of his heart, promised more than he could practically do.

Tonight he came to my door with his young cousin. M was carrying a gift bag, which contained a stunning, hand-made, white robe from Ethiopa. It is hand-embroidered in brilliant colors and intricate patterns. The two men sat down to visit a bit. M at one point asked if white people appreciate such clothing. I simply said, "Beauty has no color and no culture, and this is beautiful".

He again promised to do my regular cleaning, saying he and his cousin will come on Saturday. This poses a dilemma, as the monthly Red Hat Society meeting is on Saturday. Ah well, free cleaning help takes precedence over an afternoon of fun!

Watching

2005-02-14T11:33:00.000-06:00

Be thankful for each and every morning.Enjoy life and worry not about things that wouldn't matter in 10 years anyway. --Unknown

My niece M makes wonderful flannel pillows with rice sewn inside. When heated a bit in the microwave, they become a wonderful pain reliever for sore spots on the body. They are also simply a comfort for the soul. She has given me one for each of the last two years at Christmas.

This morning I was lying snug on the sofa with one pillow tucked against my tummy and the other between my knees.

Overnight some wet, heavy snow had fallen. Since the temperature this morning was 39 F., the snow was melting and falling in gobbets from the limbs of the maple tree outside my window.

Jenny was on the top of her five-foot cat tower, paws tucked in and tail curled round, watching the clumps of snow as they fell.

I was watching Jenny, watching the snow.

Before long, she realized that the heated pillow was out and available. She came to join me, stretching out with her back against my tummy-pillow. For both of us, a snooze was in order.

Wishing a happy St. Valentine's Day to all, and most especially to those who have no-one to say it to them in person.

Emerging A Little

2005-02-13T15:42:00.000-06:00

Be contented with what you possess in life; be thankful for what does not belong to you, for it is so much care the less; but try to obtain what you need in life, and make the best of every moment of your life.
--Hazrat Inayat Khan Gayan

The latest CDC flu map still shows Minnesota in the red zone: in fact, the red area in the Upper Midwest is expanding. However, I will start being about my business in the outside world a little more. I am beginning to suffer some sideffects of social isolation, namely brooding about inconsequential matters and fatigue from lack of exercise.

One of my first jaunts will be to a store that sells used computers. A bit of a story lies behind my purchase of a second computer. My original computer, purchased in 1996, ran Windows 95, and it was a sad little machine by today's standards. I discovered I really liked some of the PC games that were popular then. They were much easier to play than the current monstrosities, which require you to be a 12-year-old male, in my thinking.

Each time I updated my system through the years, more and more of my old games wouldn't run. The collection of compact disks mouldering in a cardboard box kept getting larger. I had visions of partitioning my hard drive with a place for Windows 95. Much easier, however, is to purchase a second, older computer with Windows 95. I have one waiting for me, a Pentium II, with 1.6 gigabyte hard drive, and with a 17" monitor, at a total cost of only $136. My old games can then be played again in all their original glory.

Radical acceptance is a continuous necessity for me. I thought of this yesterday, when three simple errands took over twice the time they would have done a few years ago. Getting into and out of my car takes time and the use of my own little "system". Instead of appreciating my surroundings as I used to, my mind must stay focused on the ground before me and the safety of my next step. But I accept this slowness. I accept my unsteady walk. Each second, letting go, I accept. Say goodbye to what was, so I can welcome what is.

Royals

2005-02-10T23:48:00.000-06:00

You cannot find peace
by avoiding life.
-- Virginia Wolf

The British Monarchy has been of interest to me since childhood. Reading biographies, examining genealogy charts, comparing reigns and royal personages; all these have provided many happy, engrossing hours. I have limited my purview to the period since the birth of Queen Victoria, as otherwise there is just too much to read . There are so many other fascinating subjects that command my attention.

My "favorite" royal was Queen Mary, who lived from 1867 to 1953, and was the grandmother of the current Queen. She had a phenomenal sense of duty and loved and supported King George V without wavering. Her main failing, perhaps, was that of being a stiff and unbending mother.

I am a traditional monarchist, placing great value on royal actions that are in line with history and monarchical precedence. I was thus very pleased with the manner in which the marriage of the Prince of Wales to Camilla Parker Bowles will be arranged. It is a luscious compromise.

When Charles married Diana, he had to wed a proven virgin, to guarantee the royal bloodline. Now his heirs are grown, their health good. One can almost be positive that Camilla, at 57, is beyond any possible chance of childbearing. (I would even wager that her being in a post-menopausal state was a necessary precondition to their marriage.) There will be no Constitutional snarl on matters of bloodline. Divorced, she of course cannot be Queen, but HRH the Duchess of Cornwall and Princess Consort are a noble titles.

I also take a longer, historical view of this whole business of royal mistresses. Camilla's great-great-grandmother, Alice Keppel, was the favorite mistress of Edward VII, Charles' great-great-grandfather. When Edward VII was on his deathbed, his Consort, Queen Alexandra, graciously invited Mrs. Keppel to his bedside.

To this Yankee onlooker, this solution to the problem of Charles and Camilla seems snug, cozy and just so historically right.

Mostly Horizontal

2005-02-09T13:40:00.000-06:00

Sitting silently
Doing nothing
Spring comes
And the grass grows by itself.

-- Basho

I've had a bit more pain the last few days. I have stayed horizontal much of the time, engaging in the (mostly) pleasurable mental activities of reflecting, remembering and resting. This, of course, pleases Jenny-Cat no end, as I am her favorite warm pillow. Stretching and yawning, she finds a different position on me, then curls up for more sleep.

I'll write again when sitting at the computer is a tad easier.

My Town

2005-02-06T19:30:00.000-06:00

If God meant we shouldn't need each other, he would have put each person on a separate planet. -- An elderly Jewish neighbor of mine

From an idea from Dancing in the Divine, linked at right, I am writing today about the town in which I live. St. Louis Park, Minnesota, is an inner-ring suburb with Minneapolis as it's eastern border. Approximately 44,000 people live in its 10.8 square miles. It has 51 parks and many small lakes and ponds. The suburbs are interconnected with each other and with Minneapolis and St. Paul for shopping and socializing. The entire Twin Cities metropolitan region consists of 7 counties, with the 2000 census showing a population of around 2,650,000 people, 54% of the population of the State of Minnesota. The Twin Cities seem to slurp up young people "just starting out" from the farms and small towns of the Dakotas and Iowa. The same effect is seen for cultural, educational and sports activities. This state is quite consistent in being politically, socially and religiously liberal. In St. Louis Park, 64% of people own their homes rather than rent, and one in ten households consists of a woman living alone.

Until 1987, I had lived my entire life in the City of Minneapolis as a renter. When I decided to buy myself a home, I chose a condominium to avoid outdoor maintenance. St. Louis Park was an ideal choice. Crime rates are quite low, and all the cultural amenities are near at hand. I live rather in the middle of a square made by four major highways and freeways, so transportation is very "doable". Being an inner-ring suburb, one still has the feeling of being right in the city. I am such an urban-type person that too much open space and sky can make me feel slightly disoriented. There are numerous social assistance programs. Basically, if there is a conceivable human need, there is a program with eager volunteers to address it. I have included a link below to programs in St. Louis Park. Other needs are met on a more metro-wide basis.

One of the things that is especially important here is "Minnesota nice". We are pleasant to each other, meet strangers' eyes in a friendly way, are honest in business and will generally help those we meet, even if not asked. I believe this stems from the fact that, due to the sometimes horrible weather, we NEED each other. Not many years ago, any stranger might knock on your door during a blizzard, seeking some warmth or a phone to use. A friend of mine, a Sikh from India, said that Minnesotans are the most accepting of them as immigrants than anywhere else in the country. We tend to avoid "labels".

We Twin Citians scoff at other US metropolitan areas that are totally brought to a standstill by an inch of snow or a bare scraping of ice. It is considered bad form here even to be late for work unless the snow exceeds four inches.

Here's an "only in Minnesota" story. A few days ago, during the warm weather spell, a good friend was walking around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. People were fishing through the ice, while joggers ran around the lake in shorts.

I had intended here to write exclusively about my own suburb. I realized, however, that a major metropolitan region is hard to define by a small, artificially-defined part of it. Suffice it to say, where I actually live, and the entire metro area, is a good place to be.