Chuck Rants

Top work fella's!

2007-11-01T05:05:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to add a personal note about my mate and his new girlfriend! Well done for telling me all the gory details last night I have never been so shocked and extremely pleased to here such vile lurid details! Well done! It was even more amusing when later we heard stories to make even Boy George shocked from a pub regular about his antics with baseball cap boys and what he's done behind closed doors with them after a few drinks and a few smokes! So shocking in fact that when I went home I had to go straight to bed it a pissed haze because I didnt know what to think!

Boo Hoo Peg Leg!

2007-11-01T04:57:00.000-07:00

How can anyone not have warmed to Heather Mills after her tear sodden interview on GMTV (31/10/07), where she admitted the media had gone to far in vilifying her. She broke down and opened her heart to a caring Fiona Phillips who also looked visibly shaken.

No Stop! The interview was a fudging* sham! She ended up comparing her situation to Princess Diana and The McCann’s, though she cleverly had a go at the Sun newspaper and brought up the crud* they did during the Hillsborough disaster, which led to most of Liverpool never buying the rag again, this was genius because of the link between Liverpool’s golden boy ‘Macca’! But then they let the cow* go on because the interview was Goldust and a great advert for them in the newspapers and TV with their cruddy* old logo splashed in the corner.

Fiona couldn’t get a bloody* word in at the beginning and every word she could muster said (a) crap and (b) made Heather worse. Unless Fiona’s bosses were screaming into her earpiece to let Heather go off on one? Even Heather’s Paul got it in up beatles rim a few times abet very subtly because she can’t really slag him off for the daughters sake. Heather made sure she started to cry and then her voice went all high pitch like she was trying to be strong. But she didn’t actually cry!

Then when they let her go mad after the break she put on crocodile tears again! I’d love a psychologist to analyze that interview, it would be fascinating to hear what they think studying her. God, you can put money on tomorrow’s papers picking at each and every word she said to check the accuracy. She’s gonna get it worse if she said things even slightly inaccurate.

Thankfully Andrew ‘The Pervert’ Marr didn’t try to hit on Heather with his winkie bouncing about, he kept well out of it. He knows she damaged goods many times over and even his tongue wouldn’t climb the mast to get into that old crows nest! (See what I did there!)

Just seen today papers and The Sun, Mail and Mirror have all gone front page with the story to varying degrees of insults. GMTV are loving it because even America have picked up on the story and shown clips on all their news and entertainment shows. Job done Heather!!!

*These word were origianlly really rude but I wrote this in a library and it wouln't let me publish it till I changed them! What's the world F-ing coming to when you can't bloody swear!

Toby "Boy genius"

2007-10-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

You are a twat! Why do you have to be so noisey! is it all those drugs you are taking and dealing?

Quote of the bard himself!

"Don't you fuckin mention my parents again! I'll fucking punch you in the jaw", as said to his girlfried who he has a kid with!

And very similar to what I heard a woman say to her toddler who was crying the other day!

"I ain't puttin up with this for another week! If you don't shut up I'm gonna hit you in the face!" Lovely woman, lovely area I live in!

Is Trevor McDonut a lying git?

2007-10-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

I took media studies around 14 years ago (before all these student dossers took it to get a quick A grade) and it defiantly changed the way I watch the news! When I was a kid sitting up the table having tea with Mum, Dad and my brother, as soon as the news came on about doom, gloom and the government, my parents would always discuss it but never in the cynical way that I and many others do today!

Media studies told me (when I was sober enough) to look at the news from other angles. No just to hear what is being said and accept it, but to look at the language being used and to take a closer look at the clips and or graphics used. Why might certain phrases be said, is the story being dumbed down? Is the story really a story or is it something politically motivated or is it even a distraction to another story that's trying to be buried?

Sometimes you listen to a story and at the end of it wonder what the hell it was about, was it actually saying anything? I’ve watched the news a few times and they’ve told me something that seems just like a statement and has no facts or anything to it!

Is the news programme your watching (which is of course unbiased) adding there own particular slant to a story, is it because of who they are siding with, does their boss have a political affiliation or are they owned by a big corporation who have their fingers in any other pies (i.e. Mr. Rupert Murdoch).

If there’s a photo telling one story, lie someone crying about there love life, see if there’s some more pictures showing an alternative, they might be surrounded but paparazzi and that’s upset them instead!

If you want some real ‘media’ fun watch the BBC news then flick over to ITV to see their version! Sometimes they’ll have the same lead story, but is the information the same?

Sometimes in the event of deaths, nobody knows how many people have died so they guess or cover over this factor and it spooky to watch the differences. Or is the information your hearing exactly the same. If it’s about a subject that you know about is it utter bollocks and you know they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about. This has happen recently when they slated Resistance fall of man for massacring people in a church, they just made shit up! And they always seem to get things very wrong when talking about films and computer games but to an outsider who doesn’t know it might seem very shocking or sensationalist as the media grabs for the better and better headlines.

You only have to look at the Madeleine story of recent and how it was reported in the papers to see how odd the media is! I won’t rant too much but the papers contradicted each other constantly and did everything to beat their rivals to information! One paper say’s she’s alive the other she’s dead. At first they support the McCann’s then they trash them! It was a great big farce and now they’ve turned on the Portuguese police!

Heores Haters!

2007-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

People who don’t watch Heroes because the science of time travel is all wrong1

Firstly common knowledge is we haven’t been able to achieve time travel yet so Hawkins and Einstein might be wrong? Remember when experts told us that the world was flat, how soon you fuckers forget! And some of you believe in Jesus, where’s the evidence? You can’t point at the Bible, it’s not exactly Jesus’ diary!

“Yesterday walked on water, you should have seen Judas’s face!”

“Went to Desert for 40 day’s and Christ, I thought I saw the devil! Maybe I stayed to long!”

“Got crucified! Dude how un-cool was that! Then I was resurrected again!
Must pray to dad about all that crazy shit to say how I’m doing now!

You know who you are, and secondly you watch Hollyoaks and how realistic is any of that shit! Fucking Tony!

I hate GMTV!

2007-10-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

GMTV’s bit on Craig ‘Bo Selecta’ David was hilarious today! They did a quick video montage on his past with a voiceover stating that his first album was very successful and had ton’s of number ones, then mentioned his second album and his Sting collaboration then his third album and said nothing else about it! It was a shit album basically and didn’t do very well, and then they mentioned his new track and album.

Andrew ‘Pervert’ Marr kissed David’s butt and tried to be funny with him, and David’s dry non-existent wit came across in bucket loads. He also looked a bit porky not buff! He said he was going to do a few moves when he performed and looked more ‘Dad’ at a wedding than Justin ‘Timbo’ Timberlake.

Craig went on to say that he was really doing well money wise for his record company and that’s why he’s been allowed to sample songs and stuff from artists he really respects like David Bowie, Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder! Oh I thought people usually comeback with sampled records because they were doing shit and needed the use of a record people loved that and would hopefully encourage them to buy the song.

Andrew Marr is like a peeping tom to all the female guests, he should either just gets his binoculars out for a good look or just dry hump the bitched legs! He says some of the worst flirty lines ever! And when Fiona told him Helen Mirren and Michelle ‘Pied’ Pheiffer (see what I did there) obviously had the hots for him a few weeks back he almost shot his bolt! I thought the tennis pervert has a wife? If she left him it’s pretty reasonable to guess why! And if he mentions sports once more during the television review I’ll die.

Christ and if you saw Fiona ‘The Peoples Princess’ Phillips last week and didn’t vomit at her shaking her talons with ‘poor village darkies’ and being all tearful (she couldn’t fucking cry if you stabbed the bitch) and poking her fucking sympathetic beak into their problems by wearing an expensive white shirt and jeans (ala’ Diana)I’d be very friggin surprised! Way to blend in with the locals Fiona, I liked it when you put your haggard old claw around the old woman and said she was like your Grandma, didn’t kiss the bitch though did you ya fuckin hypocrite!

GMTV gives me tumors!

Jumping on the bandwagon!

2007-09-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

How soon is it before the ‘scabloid’ newspapers print the any of these headlines?

“The most hated woman in Britain” or
“The Face of Evil” or
“A mother’s shame” etc

At the moment I feel sorry for the family having to face the foreign paparazzi that have hounded them out of Portugal, which was reminiscent of how dangerous the media were hounding Princess Diana before the crash that killed her!

Even now the paparazzi are stationed outside their house. If was in the same situation I’d go mental towards the cameras and swear loads even if it did show me in a bad light!

But then again we must also feel sorry for the guy who was the original suspect; his life has been ruined by the medias interest in every detail about him, true or untrue! He was basically branded a pedophile and yet now he’s been forgotten and left to pick up what’s left of his life!

And what of the forensics evidence that’s been announced to the press? It seems awfully weak, but then maybe the real stuff has been withheld since the beginning of the investigation so that the real suspect whomever ‘she’ maybe might trip up!

It’s a cliché but “think of the children springs to mind when I see the press hounding the family, but then they did court the media to help move the case forward and get national interest so that Maddie would not be forgotten, but perhaps that’s why they remain so calm and haven’t flipped?

Kate McCann! Guilty?

2007-09-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

Since May my cousin and I have been saying that the McCann’s did ‘it’ or more likely that Kate McCann murdered her daughter Madeleine! We had our own theory that Kate got angry with Maddie, on that May night in Portugal, and killed her in a temper! Maybe Madeleine didn’t want to be put to bed or be left with her younger siblings whilst her parents went for a meal!

We didn’t think that the Dad was necessarily involved because of the way he was during interviews, he came across as a genuinely upset parent and struggled through press conferences whilst his wife just stared on. What we couldn’t work out if Kate did it on her own or she got help to move the body. Maybe from the guy who kept being called in for questioning?

And we also wondered where you’d put a body if your somewhere abroad you don’t really know and don’t want to get caught in the act of moving it! Surely the police would have found the body by now because they would know obvious places to look? And, had Kate been hiding what she did from her husband, did he know anything about it! It’s the little details that are the most interesting ones in this case.

If you mentioned a few months back that you thought the parents were guilty in any way you’d have been lynched! Where as we kept going on about the bad parenting of these two apparent clever middle class people, which the newspapers were afraid to mention until weeks later when the foreign press had already done the dirty for them.

Everyone I know was well annoyed at how they’d left their kids and didn’t see anything wrong with being away from them, they were “only across the road” the papers kept saying and they checked on the kids every 15 minutes. Bollocks I say to that! If you were having a slap up meal with friends and drinking it would be easy to forget to check on your kids. But then maybe Kate checked on Maddie and that was when she was murdered her or was she dead before the meal?

I was constantly muttering in May, “She did it!” every time Kate McCann appeared on the TV! It made me remember the South Park episode where they slag of OJ Simpson and the parents of that US Beauty Teen! “You did it, you murdering murders!” I just couldn’t understand how these terrible parents could go and whine about their missing /dead kids! If the McCann’s were a black family they would have had zero press, and any press they did get would have been labeling them as ‘BAD PARENTS!’

Kate McCann has always been a bit more silent when interviewed and you could say it’s because she was closer to Madeleine than her husband but she always had a strange air about her! There was just something not right about the way she looked and acted when on camera like she had other stuff going on in her mind! She seems to me the kind of person who can switch off her emotions, she has that reptilian look. Glazed eyes and she’s very icy cold I can’t remember her being that emotional.

On the ITN News talking to Kate’s parents back in the UK (07/09/07) they said there daughter thinks that either the police or someone who had access to the blood evidence must have planted it in their room, (*I’ll comment on this in a bit). The evidence in question is linked to the fact that Madeleine’s blood turned up in a car hired by the McCann’s 35 days after their daughter went missing! She apparently swore at the police when they asked the obvious question about whether she was guilty of killing her daughter

* I found this a bit weird? Kate says that someone must have planted evidence of blood in the bedroom. But the evidence at the moment is more to do with blood found in the car, which is apparently Madeleine’s. Kate’s parents didn’t mention this at all? Does this mean that Kate finds it odd that blood was in the bedroom, does she know something we don’t like how Maddie was killed, and that there was no blood from Madeleine’s body when she was moved from the room? So she finds it odd that there was blood found? Was Maddie strangled or suffocated then? Maybe it’s nothing but it just struck me as odd that she was obsessing on this more than anything else.

Where has this blood come from then? The police obviously believe that Kate has been in contact with Madeleine’s body since her disappearance and that this has been transferred to the hire car! I believe that Kate is guilty but I’d be the first to admit that it’s a hard case to break and if she is eventually found not guilty I’ve been a complete arse and unsympathetic to this poor grieving family, even though they shouldn’t have left Maddie and her siblings alone!

I don’t have a problem with killing Kate’s motives, there are plenty of reasons why she might of done it, my questions are “Where is the body now?” “How could it still be missing?” and “Who else was involved?” That might sound a bit like Donald Sutherland’s famous speech in Oliver Stones “JFK” but these are reasonable questions that we may never, ever know the answers to!

Wow that was a reasonably grown up piece of writing for me seeing as I had on the original “The Hills Have Eyes” on in the background when I was typing all this and was waiting to have a cup of tea!

Anne Widdecombe

2007-08-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Anne Widdecombe Versus! The return of the unpopular documentary series. Guaranteed to get you yelling at The TV an eating your sofa cushions.

1) Anne Widdecombe Versus – Dinosaurs.

Tonight Anne considers what can be done to address the problem of dinosaurs that flatly refuse to exist anymore. In addition to asking if T-Rex’s are “clever girls”, she visits Leicester where some scientists are being offered incentives in a bid to reintroduce dinosaurs back into society!

2) Anne Widdecombe Versus – Time.

Tonight Anne decides to confront time and force it to meet the parents of people who have lost their children to time and hopes to reduce it to tears through this and other bullying tactics.

3) Anne Widdecombe Versus – Anal Sex

Tonight Anne forces her tiny arse hole to suffer penetration just so it knows how painful and harmful anal sex really is! She explores both male and female penetration just for you the thick as pig shit public!

4) Anne Widdecombe Versus – The Volcano

After learning she has a brain cloud and only six months to live, Anne realizes she has been to scared to live properly, and accepts a challenge from magnate Graynamore: the inhabitants of a Polynesian island need a hero who will jump into a volcano to appease their gods; in return, Anne will get to live like a king and die like a woman, while Graynamore gets the rights to valuable mineral deposits!

Also in the series…

Anne Widdecombe Versus – Nelson Mandella
Anne Widdecombe Versus – Anne Widdecombe… to the Death!

Owen Wilson is… “Owen Wilton” in…

2007-08-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

“You, Me and MTV dude makes 3”

“When failed ‘action hero’ Owen Wilton is dumped by his celebrity girlfriend he tries to win her back with hilarious consequences, in this years hottest comedy!”

Owen Wilson plays loveable bumbling dufus “Owen Wilton” a third rate actor whose roles only ever seem to be comedy sidekick and dumb-ass friend. He hooks up with the beautiful up and coming actress “Katie Hudson” (played by Kate Hudson) daughter of mad surgery obsessed A-list actress “Goldie Horn” (hilariously played by Ben Stiller) who’s offered comedy roles her Mother used to play but who’s now too old to!

Wilton and Hudson literally ‘fall in love’ after she splits from her ex, failed rocker “Chris Rubitson” (Matt Dillon) at a baseball game, trips on a hotdog and lands in Wilton’s lap! Hah!

But tragedy strikes when grumpy over serious Wilton gets jealous as Hudson’s career takes off and his career “nosedives”. Hudson gets to hang out with MTV dufus “Dax Shitface” (Matt Dillon) and finally Wilton’s insanely jealousy pushes her into his arms!

Wilton then spends literally weeks crying and finally decides to end his life by cutting his wrists! In a hilarious scene of utter mayhem and buckets of blood, Wilton is saved and ends up in hospital where he is helped by a bumbling councilor and part time Karate instructor “Dr Fliedlice” (Jackie Chan at his chop-socky best) who tells Wilton he must win back Hudson with his help. And that’s where the fun really starts…

Bloody computers

2007-08-29T04:25:00.000-07:00

I've been to 2 library's to put something on disc that is 'flipping' (cant swear on these comps cause they self censor!) hilarious and both of their computers disk drives have totoaly fudged up!I went to the library so I didn't have to spend my own phone connection cause I'm on dial up! waste of my time! Though I didn't bump into a mate from way back and he was as hansome as ever! Hi Kid Simmons!

Famous when Dead?

2007-08-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Elvis. Amazingly talented musicians/singers! And yet the national news today is full of Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty! Now Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison left a body of work before they passed on from drink/drug addictions so they deserved news coverage. Where as Winehouse and Doherty have done bugger all to satisfy their media coverage except for behaving like complete arses. It’s like the 80’s with the Boy George has 3 days to live headlines. At least he has always had something to say. Amy has a bird’s nest on her head and a manly way about her, she’s in the same school as ‘American’ now boring Joss Stone and Lily “Keith” Allen. They all have distinctive voices but don’t offer much talent! Don’t even get me screaming about Kate “Posh voice” Nash. She’s a toff slumming it!

Doherty might be known in the music press as having amazing talent and his guitar playing may be half decent (when there’s not a needle about) but he hasn’t proved talented enough to be this God like character. He might speak a bit like Marc Bolan but he’s to busy in court/rehab/back of a cop van to actually contribute some real music. So the ‘scabloid’ press might be making it new worthy because of his dating Moss and constant possession drug charges but he’s about as talented at the moment as Lindsey Lohan!

Now what amazing films has she done? Mean Girls, maybe, but Herbie and Freaky Friday a star do not make! She’s more known for flashing her hairless minge and doing the hokey cokey whilst proclaiming she could fornicate with Jude Law and anyone else less fortunate!

Even Owen “Bloody” Wilson made the BBC1 headlines cause he may have tried to “off” himself (apparent suicide or cry for help or shaving/wrist accident! You decide!) Because his ex had been photographed snogging a Z-list MTV wanker!

“Man can you remember when Owen Wilson won that Oscar for Starsky and Hutch 2 and then followed it with Shanghai Days!”

“Yeah man! It totally rocked just like “You, Me and More Dupree!”

“Fucking-A dude! I liked Zoolander 2 – Zoo Harder!”

Any way, Pete and Amy get off the drugs or just end your lives now! If you don’t the papers will drive you to it!

The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

Saw The Bourne Ultimatum! It was brilliant. Bit slow at the beginning and a few too many flashbacks but suddenly the tension steps up and the film races along. There are some fantastic fight scenes. One last a bit to long and made me and my cousin chuckle and cheer quietly when Bourne won by using a book! Also a slight free running bit with Jason on roofs and jumping through a window but it’s done without going all silly like the Bond film!

There are some Brilliant car chase scenes, probably better than the one with the crash at the end of the second film and some amazing crashes again. A brilliant car explosion and lookout for the exploding cleaners cart (bit of “CGI” but very funny! I don’t want to spoil it, but the ending wraps it all up nicely (bow and all) and comes full circle, literally!

Moby also has the end tune again which is nice and makes you feel the filmmakers understood the whole mood of Bourne! It really feels like a proper trilogy, the first film was amazing, the second film still good but couldn’t out do the first and this film really bring back all that was good about the first movie!

Cabin Fever is poo!

2007-08-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

Crap Bin Fever – Teen Romp Horror by Numbers!

Ok so I've only just seen it, but at least I'm not reviewing it on hype, and if you haven't seen it this is a warning to just take it as a load of poop!

Six minutes in and it makes no sense! ‘Paul’ The Kid from ‘Boy Meets World’ (not that one, the other one!) gets bitten by a nutty mute kid (outside a general store in the middle of nowhere Hicksville) who’s stolen from ‘Deliverance’, then goes around back to wash his hands in some dirty stream and is approached by two stray dogs… Now at this point you might think he’d get bitten by them but no they’re friendly.

Now there’s nothing wrong with that except the fact, “he’s just been bitten by nutty mute kid”, why the bloomin hell would he not be weary of these two dogs. Dogs can be totally un-predictable so why does ‘Paul’ stroke the dogs; he also has a bloody hand. Mmmm the smell of blood could excite the dogs into a frenzy but “No” that isn’t even in his mind even though "HE JUST GOT BITTEN BY A NUTTY MUTE KID!" Fuck’s sake!

Oh and at the shop were introduced to a red neck guy and a dude who looks like father X-mass who says the N-word (It’s racist santa!).And are we meant to hate all these characters form the outset of the film? They certainly come across as horrid!

The Guilty---

Paul – a goddamn wuss! And possibly meant to represent everyman!

Geoff – What’s with the blonde hair and sunglasses man, is that a euro porn look you got going on? He definitely has arse issues. He likes stuff up the bum from his girl! He’s the bitch!

Burke – NRA type guy. Redneck, hick and utter moron! Has to die!

Karen – A blonde, dull, possible lesbian tease to poor Paul!

Big Boobs – The other one. A swearing slut stereotype!

1) Burke’s fire ‘would have’ burnt the fuck out of that forest. So why did he freak out after shooting that guy with an air rifle? Because of his manky face? There are no signs at that point the guy is diseased, he’s just a bit scabby… not contagious with a mutant zombie killer manky disease!!!

2) Eli Roth (the director) stars in the film as Slacker Dude and show’s he can’t act, his timing is way out and his character doesn’t suit the mood of the film.

3) After the group set alight homeless type dude they act really really calm about it. But then Big Boobs suddenly flips out (after being cool) and Burke remains calm, when he’s always angry? They totally reverse roles!

4) Then Burke, Paul and Geoff have a pointless argument about nothing except maybe to show tension and that there not close at all. Why did they go away together then?

5) When nothing happens eerie music kicks in to help add some non-existent tension.

6) Why does Big Boobs think rowing to get help/find the homeless guy is a good idea? She doesn’t know the place at all and was scared of being alone at one point? But at least we get some scary music and some focusing on Big Boob’s skin tight jeans/bottom for a few pointless minutes!

Deputy Winston Olsen (who I think rocks) but again doesn’t suit the mood of the film, acts about 16 years old and not a cop turns up! Has a nice stick on mustache, rides a bicycle and informs us he gets pussy and thinks Paul is a guy who like to ‘Party’ with the ladies. How wrong is he!

7) A wild rabid dog comes out of nowhere and Paul is scared straight away, which makes a change compared to earlier!

8) Then everytime people drink the water the music gets spooky. Does this signify that the water is dirty? If you think yes then how come nobody else in the town is infected all ready? Surely they all drink the same water? Is it from the lake, or is it the houses own supply, then why does the lorry at the end mean anything? Not sure if the writers know 100%.

9) Everyone strips down to frumpy vests and shorts to see if they are infected with “The Mank”, Big Boobs has really frumpy pants and vest. How come, they all have the same type of undies? Big Boobs would have had saucy knickers!

10) Karen gets locked in the shed, copying many films and looking a bit Evil Dead like! Nobody remembers the scary dog introduced earlier, it’s been totally forgotten for this scene!

11) Scary dog is remembered when nothing is happening to push the plot forward!

12) Burke realizes he has “The Mank” and so does Karen! But we don’t care!

13) Big Boobs and Paul “fuck” unconvincingly, just so we can see her tits and up the age rating of the film. Probably because the writers can’t do conversations!

14) Paul washes his knob with Listerine whilst Big Boobs show us her boobs again in the bathroom mirror and to show she may have “The Mank”.

15) A fuuny bit for no reason! Burke goes back to the shop and Dennis (biting boy) now has a sign behind him, “Do not sit next to Dennis!”. Dennis freaks out and shouts “Pancakes” and does some crazy Kung-Fu shit and bites Burke thus getting “The Mank”!

16) Paul goes to find Geoff who ran off and sees a dead body floating upside down in the water (its obvious it’s not Geoff!). He goes to check if it’s Geoff (It still isn’t), but he can’t reach and grabs a branch and climbs down a rickety unsafe/untested ladder to get closer (Paul for fuck sake it’s so not him!). He leans and touches the body. It flips over and it’s not Geoff (Damn!), it’s the tramp dude! Paul brakes the rickety ladder and falls in thus getting “The Mank” (we presume, though he did shag big boobs and drink some water and stuff).

17) Big Boobs has a bath and discovers she has “The Mank”, it looks like we might not see her boobs, then we dude! Phew! We here a gunshot and Big Boobs runs outside in dressing gown (Cripes clothes!) and the scary dog turns up (remember him!) and we see from his point of view (a low down camera with a red filter!). It has “The Mank”.

18) Big Boobs is killed by the scary dog and Karen is noshed on. Paul finds bits of Big Boobs and foes to check on the body of Karen, she is all skeleton faced and alive!!! Paul gets balls and batters her to death!

19) There is a comedy shoot out with Burke and Paul getting revenge on shop Rednecks (thought Burke dies, hoorah!). It’s funny but totally over the top!

20) For no reason Paul realizes that the water is to blame (or did I blink?). “Geoff! Don’t drink the water!”. That explains everything!!!

21) Paul is in an accident with a rubbish deer and slaughters it and get’s a ton of blood on hid face. He must have “The Mank” now!

22) Paul comes across partying Deputy Dude and pals! A radio police report makes everyone turn on Paul (except Deputy dude!) and Pauls coughs up blood but not on everyone and yet one of the party people suddenly coughs up blood! Is there no time on “The Mank”? It took Karen ages to get infected! Crikey scarper dudes! Oh no, “The Mank” might spread!

23) Paul run’s off! The only point of the film now is if there is a twist or a spooky type ending. There is no reason for more film. Paul must die! Later Paul turns up in hospital to tell the cops about “The Mank”.

24) Geoff’s not dead and stumbles out of hiding. He goes abck to the lodge and see’s all the crazy shit tha’s happened! He goes into Oscar acting mode showing his range of emotions and en’s on elation! Wher by he is shot byt the deputy’s! we learn they are there to clean up by burning and disposing of the bodies! Containment!

25) Except for the fact Paul’s body suddenly tun’s up dumoed by the river! Why for fuck’s sake? Does this mean he will leak “The Mank” in the river?

26) hang on ther’s some kids collecting water from the river! But why? They are making lemonade (why not from the tap?) to sell outside the store, to the deput’s!

27) Some awful black sterotypes turn up listening to R n’ B! they enter Santa’s store, remember he said the N-word earlier! He is down with them and speaks ‘black speak’ (I’m being sarcastic here and mocking the writers who were so obviously white writing that bit)! then suddenly ton’s of tourists turn up (where’s infected Dennis gone?) and they are buying lemonade and then we see a truck with “Down Home Spring Water” on it! This means the world will be infected. Oh Christ! Damn! Shit! That’s it whilst the credit’s are going I’m gonna slit my wrists! Oh Christ! Hang on there’s a bit at the end! I’s Santa in the shop! What’s he sayin, “Arrgh, Word!”. Black Speak from an old white guy, hilarious. No, soory I’m still depressed from the down beat ending and my wrists are leaking and I’m starting to feel c...

'Cumming' on your TV

2007-08-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

I like Ugly Betty! I’ll admit that when it was first advertised I though, “Fuckin’ Hell, they lose ‘Lost’ and any other chance at sci-fi and throw all there money at shit like Desperate Housewives (Which I watched at first and then noticed it was rubbish). Now Housewives could have been good but they had some of the worst stereotypes of women and then men were so wooden it was like ‘Sex in the Suburbs’.

Now STC (sex in the shitty) was a load of old tosh, advertised as an empowerment prog, a “we don’t need guys” show! It should have been a “We need guys cause we are addicted to being treated badly and have to fornicate constantly with the wrong partner and if we have ‘Big’ treat ‘Carrie’ like shit constantly, eventually we will fool you into liking the Big shit and you’ll want them to end up miserable-ever-after!”

But then Carrie was a neurotic twat, never happy unless being grumpy and smoking!

But back to my point, I like Ugly Betty but for Channel Four to show it at 11am and for it to allude to blow jobs, cheating on partners and all kinds of shit, how can it be suitable viewing for teens and younger kids? It isn’t but then T4 has Steve “Stud” Jones’s constant double entendre and even single ones. His alleged bed sharing in the papers and his romance with Pamela “Hepatitis” Anderson (wow, worth bragging about maybe 10years ago!) who counts Kid Rock as worthy partner is nothing to shout about!

They now have wooden George and that girl who got Pop World cancelled to present un- funny links.

We keep getting told that kids are growing up to fast but nobody is complaining in the papers about TV shows or films not being suitable but video games are the fucking spawn of Satan! I won’t go off on one about video games and age ratings, but all kids have easy access to TV in the morning, and parents don’t know what the kids are watching!

I would have a point to this article but I’m to tired moaning so I’ll end on a happy note, I saw a squirrel yesterday! That’s it!

Movies!

2007-08-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am well into films but I’m human enough to admit I haven’t seen all the classics. Here are a few that I have to see.

Casablanca – How can I have not seen it? Every year it’s on but something else crops up again and again. My brother keeps telling me it brilliant. So hopefully this year!

Cross-of Iron – I hadn’t even heard of this WW2 film set on the Russian front. Stars James Coburn and directed by Sam Peckinpah, it sounds like a good film. Have to track it down.

Deliverance – Sort of seen but not all the way through! Have to seen for the amazing Burt Reynolds (a hero of mine) and his ‘dummy down a river scene’.

The Great Escape – We’ve all seen it but how many were really watchin it over there X-mass dinner. I wasn’t!!! Have to see it just because I’m male!

High Noon – I deserve to be flogged for not seeing this, from just reading about it seems like this film is the greatest ever. This should be top of my list along with…

Bad Day at Black Rock – A one armed Spencer Tracey taking on a whole town of bigots! Classic!

Night of the Hunter – Robert Mitchum on fine form as a psychotic Preacher, reminds me of Cape Fear. Very scary and copied by everyone up to and including The Simpsons.

On the Waterfront – Brando, Brando, Brando! I’ve seen A Streetcar Named Desire but strangely not this.

The Searchers – A classic John Wayne film (not a fan me) bit near the knuckle racially (the native Americans come of badly) but a John Ford film of some weight.

Twelve Angry Men – Twelve men, angry men on a jury, angrily arguing over a verdict. Tense, powerful and some of the actors best work!

The Wild Bunch – I own it but haven’t got past the first shoot out!

Toby ate my balls

2007-08-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

I hate Toby! Last night for a few minutes my neighbor again did a bit of drilling at about 11:21pm! Maybe it’s used as a sexual aid in the chav bedroom department or maybe it’s cause he’s a fucking moron (seems the more likely of the two!). The fact is he’s chav to the bone and chav’s are basically thoughtless, insensitive, mindless drones!

He is such a chav, he wears baseball caps, tracksuit bottoms, branded sports tops, has a pit bull or staffie called Ziggy (after Ziggy Marley), listens to wank hardcore music, has an X-box 360 and plays driving games and has drums In a flat! He’s got his girlfriend up the duff and isn’t married, his girlfriend never wears makeup and wears masculine clothes and looks like she is ill. He’s always shouting at her and his comments are really stupid like “You’re a fucking idiot, your doin my head in”, he screams, which does my head in! And then he repeats it with more swearing. Or he shouts, “Where’s my fucking socks?” I don’t know try looking for them you Neanderthal! She’s only with him cause she’s trapped and has nowhere to go. And he’s a paranoid weed smoking (the place stinks), wanna be gangsta (he lives Coolio's ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’) who cough’s up mucus every morning and walks around like a monkey but spends most of his time staying in being a prick (at least it keeps him off the streets) which irritates me when I’m in!

I hope Toby twirl leaves and infests some other flat, hopefully a two bedroom flat away from me! I can’t report him for the drugs because I can’t get solid proof, but the smell, people coming and going at all hours and only stopping for a few minutes and people shouting at his window if he’s ‘got any’ and the smell mean I have to live with it! If you know this man please feel free to punch him!

psychic night again!

2007-08-04T08:02:00.001-07:00

I went to that psychic night on Thursday and it was OK but very short! The guy Stephen Treadaway seemed pretty cool; my girlfriend also had a chat with him and said he was nice! The evening went better cause you could but alcohol at the bar before and during the interval! I also tried soda and lime for the first time and it was really nice but could explain the gasses erupting from my but later or that could be the chips I had!

I also have to say I really love Heroes, but everyone says that so I’ll mention that Studio 60 on the sunset strip also rocks, though it’s a bit clever sometimes and some of the references are just to damn US, it’s still bloody well written and v.funny! I’ll be first to get it for a directors commentary come October-ish!

Psychic Night!

2007-08-04T08:00:00.001-07:00

02/08/07

I’m going to a psychic night tonight , but you knew that all ready didn’t you!
It should be pretty cool, I’ve been to one professional one before and that was pretty cool, my girlfriend talked to the women during the interval and when she came back told me that the woman came across as a complete cow, but onstage she was pretty friendly though, but it could do with the fact my girl was talking about her own experiences of psychics ability. Maybe the woman just does it as her day job and doesn’t talk shop; either that or she’s a fraud? I did meet the woman’s husband when I was taking a piss and he was pretty funny, during the entire performance he just ignores the whole thing and reads his paper, he told me that she’s not gonna start talking about spirits to do with him or her so he doesn’t really need to get involved he just helps on the door sorting out tickets and money! He did tell me that when he first met her he was a bit weary of her powers until she told him loads about his dead relatives and then he knew she was OK!

I’LL GIVE A QUICK NOTE ON THE PERFORMANCE, NOT NOW BUT LATER!

Toby is an idiot!!!

2007-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

My neighbor is a total moron! I didn’t like him since the day he moved in, I’m usually a good judge of character and when I spotted the baseball cap and tracksuit I knew what to expect. They made a ton of noise moving in which can be expected, but they were making noise throughout the night and didn’t give stuff. After a few weeks one of their mates knocked on my door and asked if I had a joint!!! I knew then they were morons! What idiot asks a neighbor they don’t know if they have any drugs… maybe a narc?

Since then I’ve had loud music bass at all times, guitar’s, the aroma of weed, vomit on the stairwell and loud banging and shouting. I’ve spoken to them and I won’t bore you but they were scum to talk to who don’t give a monkey’s fig about anyone else!

Recently they had a drum kit put into the flat, and they have a baby! When I complain to the council it quietens down for a bit, but if he and his dirty girlfriend row or he’s in a mood it all kicks off! My neighbor is an idiot!

A whole lot of Dick!

2007-07-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

I went runnin today and I can't stand this damn weather, it's hot then cold, cold then hot, it rains, it snows, it floods it transforms into an truck... Aggrrrh!

I'm now home and I'm watchin Dick Tracey whilst typin this up and the last post! Dick Tracey is a way cool film and years ago my ex-Spam (not her real name, it's Sam) got me into the soundtrack before the film and it'sa damn goof, funny CD!

It also got me into Madonna, but I haven't touched her last couple of albums! I went off her about 'Music' time! I'll probably pick up her newer ones when she's less popular again.
The films got some cool cameo's from Dick Van Dyke, Dustin Hoffman (Mumbles) and Al Pacino (Big Boy) two of my fave actors, though I prefer Hoffman as a person to his films and Pacino kicks ass and is so much better than that stinkhole Bob DeNiro. There's an actor I think's totaly overated! I enjoyed him in Heat, cause Pacino is in that film and I enjoyed Cape Fear but the other films ie. Taxi Driver and Raging Bull leave me cold. It's a shame he's in some good films, but he's usually average in them Godfather Part 2, The Untouchables etc. He was funny in The adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle though, but that was helped by the gut Rene Russo, Piper Perabo and a moose and squirrel!

Back to the movie!

BLUENOTES is crap

2007-07-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

BLUENOTES is crap

Last night I went to one of the shitest clubs I have ever had the misfortune to prop up! The night didn’t start well when I went round my girlfriend’s and was told we had to go straight away as we were meeting people in Lowestoft and we were then going somewhere else. I knew we were going to a pub but I didn’t know about the club after. I really like this pub; it plays cool music and seems pretty chilled out. So I was hoping to stay there and grab some food later.

So my nose was put out of joint straight away but I sucked it in, as a man has to do, cause I hate suprises and stuff (especially when I'm havin to drive and work out where to park.)

So we turn up and the fuckers aren’t there, so I drive 'like a kid without a dad' to get there and they don’t arrive till a while later! Utter cum-gullets, they’d told her to rush!

Later we go to this shithole ‘BLUENOTES’ and they charge £4 to get in, now I come from the old school of a pub is free to get in and has music that you can choose and a nightclubs generally play utter shite. I used to pay £2 to get into clubs when I was young and I liked the music and enjoyed the night, but I was also totally off my tits on booze and was trying to pull women. Now I can’t drink, cause I’m driving and I’ve got a lovely girl.

And I was right the club was shit, and I left and met up with my missus later. But I won’t go into that cause that was all arse about face trying to meet up with someone without their phone on them. Christ knows how I coped as a kid without a phone; people must have died back then.

28th July New

2007-07-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

I've only just set this blog up kids. I used to have a lovely "webshite" that has now gone to the great peanut in the sky and it was damn good. I've added some of the rants that I used to write to this lovely blog. I might put the cartoons up at some point but only when i get the time. I'll try and update this site every so often even though I'm using crud old dial up connections and my girlfreind whinges that I'm only on the net for porn!!!

14 Rants - May 2002

2007-07-28T07:36:00.001-07:00

1:Mariah Carey - Being voted the person people would like to disappear? She's all right, she hasn't done anything wrong except wear skimpy clothes, least she's not a skinny bint. Surely George W. Bush needs to fuck off!

2:Star Wars Episode II - Is anything real in this film? It's all computer done. I prefer episodes 3,4 and 5. Forget the new films were made.

3:Lord of the Rings - Finally got around to seeing it, and well it's DULL!!! I can't belive kids went to see this film, there were about two good action bits and that was it.

4:ITV Digital - Good ridance to bad rubbish. See you in the dole queue little monkey.

5:The Queen Mum - Farewell old reptile.

6:Local hero Bruno Peak - Please die soon you sad little man. Your millenium beacons have now become Jubilee beacons. You are a one trick pony, your days are numbered.

7:Jubilee partys - Good while your all out in the street the burglars will be able to rob your house.

8:Eastenders again - Was there a decent plot so far this year. Sonia's baby? Yawn.

9:A certain girl - You know who you are but still you ignore how I feel about you, I text you and you can't be arsed to respond properly. I give up on you! Your loss. And your current boyf is a dick and treats you shitty!

10:Unemployment pay - After paying my rent I have £26 a fortnight to spend on food, bills and other stuff, but hang on I also have my £48 council tax. How does £26 go into £48? "Do you except a minus number cash altenative Mr Shopkeeper?"

11:Council paying my Rent and Council Tax - don't take all day about it I just spent my £26 on my monthly food allowance!!!

12:Bank Holidays - Still boring as shit and the Tv's not up to much.

13:The Vault - sounds shit, will probably be shit!

14:Big Brother 3 - Stop before it gets shitter. We don't have enough time to watch the show, or to watch things that are on to many times a week.

Rants/September 2001 to May 2002

2007-07-28T07:34:00.000-07:00

THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Rants from between September 2001 to May 2002

1: The Mummy film/cartoon - Oh just rip off Indiana Jones very badly why don't you. After watching the Indiana Trilogy I realised how poor the mummy films actually were.

2: Bin Laden - Happy X-mas wherever you may be!

3: Skateboarders - Fuckin' vermin.

4: 'Spiderman' in May - You twats, your putting it up against 'Star Wars Episode II', just because you had to edit out the Twin Towers.

5: Eastenders - Was there a decent plot this year. Phils baby? Yawn.

6: The Weather - It's bloomin freezing.

7: Lying Newspapers - Obviously making up everything about Terrorism, but saying that 'Something about Mary' was going to be on over X-mas. It wasn't!

8: Bin Bags - Lazy dustman can't get out of bed like the rest of us to work on New Years eve and so the streets are like London during the plague.

9: ITV moving stuff in the schedules - Taking off 'The Hunt for Red October' to show a prog about Sarah's Law (fuck Sarah, Oh he did). Then the same night showing 'Night and Day' later to put on a 'Pop Idol' special. Why?

10: The cinema not showing Spy Game - Has 'Harry Potter', 'Mean Machine' and other shite but not the fims I want to see.

11: Shit X-mas Tele - 'Only fools would watch this', 'Who wants to cut there hair' and Wanking with Dinosaurs (sorry The Lost world). Only an idiot would watch this shite and they did in there millions!

12: New SMTV Live - One crap blonde female presenter and a gimp campy bloke I could be talking about the Saturday show.

13: Work - A load of crap. We get bugger all time off over the New year and so I give back my respect with shitty work!

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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 18/11/01

1: Terrorism Bill - Absolute crap. It's a travesty that this was allowed through! "They will never take away are freedom." Oh they have!

2: Jobcentre - Sent me a letter saying I didn't apply for a job in September and now they can stop my money. I can't even remember that far back. Anyway I did apply for it and I have a rejection letter. Told jobcentre this and they say I'm the second person to have this problem! Idiots!

3: "Fuck the Police" - Absolute cunts at the moment. Can't say why but they should be arresting people who commit crimes and not set people up, especially at Christmas!

4: Friendsreunited websites - Good idea, but not when you see all your mates doing the same old thing. "I'm married, have kids, work in finance and am very happy." Dull,dull,dull. Our parents did this and are they happy? NO!

5: Planes just blowing up? - Not suspicious at all. And don't spread rumours it was terrorists just yet. Why? You did straight away after September 11th. And we still have no concrete evidence it was the Taliban.

6: Anthrax 1 - Just like Foot and Mouth, a suspicious arrival and then it stops. Government cover-up, I think so.

7: Fireworks - Don't ban fireworks because of global terrorism, ban them because they are f-ing irritating. And people, stop setting them off after 11pm some people need to sleep. And still using fireworks two weeks after bonfire night makes you a spaz!

8: Anthrax 2 - If I was going to spread it I'd put it in Coke or McDonalds food. Not that I'm encouraging terrorists to do it, though they'd wipe out loads of stupid people. Second thoughts put it in Sunny D.

9: Films that continue after the news - I thought this went out with the plague? We hate it when you do this, so don't.

10: Adverts trying to be ironic/sarcastic - Trying to be ironic by throwing loads of cash at ironic advert idea is the real irony, isn't it?

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THE TOP SEVEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 4/11/01

1: Celebrity 'What's Goin' On' - You should be ashamed if you took part. Originaaly a song for Aids charities then Sept 11th attacks. Totally spoiled by crap rapping about how we should fight back. Marvin Gaye is turning in his grave as the lyrics clearly say, "WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER." Fred Durst sings the worst bit of the song. You bring shame on your households! But it's for the kids!

2: George W Bush - George 'Monkey boy' Bush you are a silly little man who wants to be remembered for being a hero and not for ignoring the Kyoto environment agreement, and for walking out of the Durban conference on racism. Did I forget to mention he cheated getting elected by ignoring Black votes? And he also insisted on restarting the arms race and this was mentioned before September 11th, did he know something?

3: Banning computer games - If I want to crash a computer plane into a building it's my right to do so in the privacy of my own home. "Hey, lets burn books while we're at it."

4: TV Terrorism - The media complaining that it's not a TV war and the footage is crap for them to show. "Oh I'm so sorry... It's such a shame you can't put these attacks to music like you did with the towers falling. You could have played Adamski's 'Killer' or Michael Jackson's 'Rock my World' as the bombs hit there targets."

5: George W Bush again - "You look like a monkey, and you live in the zoo". George is an evil devil child just like his Dad, and it's his George Snr's fault in the first place that Bin Laden is so well trained. The CIA helped train the fucker and now they have to cover up what they messed up. You shit sir!

6: Northern Ireland school protests - It's not about religion anymore it's all about stuberness, refusing to change and stupidity. If you don't respect others and live and let live you will never have peace. I can't see the next generation changing either. And now they want to extend a wall that seperates the two. Why not add a sniper tower, checkpoint and concentration camp while your at it?

7: Anthrax - 'Bring the Noise' with Public Enemy was the best song they did. But poisoning the US and killing a man is going to drop album sales.

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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 26/08/01

1: Embrace - All your songs sound the same and you always write identical choruses that you think have a sing along quality to them, like Oasis in the old days, but they suck, just like Oasis.

2: Buses - Too hot and too packed.

3: My local newsagents - Last Sunday it smelt of (a)piss, (b)someone who died, (c)toxic waste or (d) a,b and c? I don't know what happened but it was answer (d).

4: Q magazine - Used to be good but is now turning into rubbish Select, NME and Kerrang. M and M and Limp Biscuit have been on the cover and rubbish Feeder and Slip Not have been inside. Select died because it turned into Kerrang/Smash hits don't let Q go the same way.

5: ITV Premiership Football Week 2 - More football, less viewers!!! Hoorah for the public!

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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS (In case I'm late here's two lots) - Week ending 19/08/01

1: Strobe pissing - having to wee in toilets with flicking lights is not fun it's scarey and you need to be accurate.

2: Eastenders x4 - I have to much to do at the weekend, I don't want to spend more time cathching up on what I missed.

3: Lust - It's too hot to be lusting after beautiful girls even if they are wearing tiny, tiny denim shorts.

4: Being layed off - It's not just being layed off, it's how they did it. they gave us a standard letter and a weeks notice, that's it. Fuck you!

5: Stuff - "The things you own, they end up owning you". I have so much crap that it would take ages to properly dust or move house. It sucks!

6: Work Bonuses - The quicker I do my work but with the less care and attention the bigger my bonus was, "That's just crazy!"

7: Rubbish Planet of the Apes ending - It's just shit compared to the original. Tim Burton you bring shame on your scruffy head.

8: The Jobcentre fool - This guy went crazy because he refused to fill out any forms, and then he tore up some paper that he didn't want to fill in. Turns out he didn't have to fill in that bit anyway. Fool!

9: ITV Premiership Football Week 1 - 28 minutes of football in a 75 minute show, 4.3 million viewers and falling. Told you so!

10: Crap ITV USA magic shows - Hi! I'm the voice of Skinner in the 'X-files', I was also in the half good film 'Shocker'. Welcome to a crap magic show with lame old magic tricks that we have livened up by putting the magician in a mask, getting sexy ladies as assistants, and showing you how to do the rubbish trick, thus spoiling your enjoyment.

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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS (I'm late here's two lots) - Week ending 12/07/01

1: Brasseye - It made me roar with the laughter, and everyone I know. Fuck the gutter press and people who didn't see it.

2: 'Helen' Big Brother - Stupidity should not be held in esteem. Lucky she didn'y get her stupid hands on £70,000.

3: Survivor - Because it's a stinking pile of... Oh sorry it's ended. Forget what I was saying then. I'll stop talking about this show now!

4: Eastenders - 5 billion times a week, now even less plots. Sharon picks fluff from the carpet while Mark counts the tablets from the doctors when suddenly Ian picks his nose!

5: ITV's Saturday evening football - We hate football, there's digital for that. One good reason for getting a life and going out I suppose.

6: Survivor 2 - You fucking what. It was shit, a sequel won't make it any bigger.

7: X-box - Is this cool. NO!

8: The Queen Mum - She's not ROBOCOP. It's time to stop sticking her back together and let her rest in peace.

9: Atomic Kitten - For ruining Eternal Flame. You can't even sing the high notes. And Jenny Frost should stop having her tiny breasts falling out all over the shop.

10: Bombs in summer - Fuck off terrorists.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 29/07/01

1: Weather - Hot, hot, hot, raining, hot, freezing. Where's the middle weather?

2: Davina McCall - Just have the baby. Stop being on every show, you know you peaked on Gods Gift, so stop now.

3: Kate Thornton - Also on everything. Stop smoking you rubbish presenter.

4: Infections - Antibiotics do not clear up everything, I can tell you!

5: Spiders in toilets - They are going to jump on me when I squat my bott. I will shit myself, but at least I'm in the right place! Demons, evil!!!

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 22/07/01

1: Spiderman.sony website - Has the trailer for the new movie, but I didn't see it as it crashed my computer. Is that my spidersense tingling? No, it's a nervous twinge.

2: Jurrassic Park III - Why for christs sake?

3: Carol Vorderman - Your getting to big for your boots now, leave the net alone. Back to being fat and frumpy 'Plain Jane Superbrain!

4: Home and Away - The greatest soap ever! But it's on Channel 5, which I can't get.

5: Facial hair - Almost a beard except for that patchy bit on the side of the face. And half a mutton chop sideburn. Cheers face!

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 15/07/01

1: Robert Downey Jnr - Sort it out Rob. We want you back on the screen! You ruled in Ally McBeal.

2: The Good Friday Agreement - It was agreed on when dinosaurs rules the earth, no guns were ever handed in, people still got killed and they want to work on it again. Like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. "Get out, get the firebrigade out, and stay out!"

3: Garry Bushell - A twat, and two R's in his name!!

4: 'The Sun' - I didn't realise that they once had a fifteen year old girl strip each day until her sixteenth bithday when she got her baps out. Paedophiles, not the sun!

5: Big Brother 3 ? - It's a bit much now. Stop before it becomes Survivor.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 08/07/01

1: Surviror - Is it still on it's really rubbish. Why would anybody care about people being angry. Oops, I've done myself out of a job there! Destinys Child did a better and shorter song on the subject. Lucy Sullivan still isn't married - Shit but compulsive after work veiwing

2: Paul - Big Brothers Paul is like a teenage boy flirting and fighting with Helen, but being to scared to push it further. Big G better kick his ass. And his comments on Josh verged on Homophobic, Josh should of brushed of his hug and told him to F-OFF.

3: People who talk to much - Just get to the point, I don't care about little details.

4: No DVD extras - I don't have a 'Dick Van Dyke' machine but what's the point of the technology if you don't get all the extras. How about a free booklet!

5: GMTV'S 'Get up and Give' - No thanks!

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 01/07/01

1: Ignoring Health and Safety practices - When theres an air conditioning unit leaking next to my computer, putting a bucket next to it to catch water is not the proper safety response. It is if you work at my company. Idiot!

2: Computers - So slow and they crash! The technology of the future? Not if there's a powercut or you type to quickly.

3: Dust - It's is annoying and makes you sneeze and cough. Cleaning it up brings it back x2.

4: No summer - Not a bad thing except we get all the rain instead.

5: Not being able to sleep - I get in from work, I'm wide awake and it's nearly midnight. And only Channel 4 has good shows on.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 24/06/01

1: GMTV - Jill Dando's killer is branded as everything under the son, but worse, they used the word eccentric. which they made out to be linked with sicko's and paedophiles. I like eccentric people don't use this word with this story.

2: Work - I work my ass off, and I get a fair bit of cash, but I end up neglecting the house, internet, hobbies and music. If this is the real world I have retirement to look forward to. If I was currently in a relationship I'd have to ignore her too. I might get time then to listen to some of the albums I got for my birthday. I'm 24 now, did you get me a present, No!

3: Global Brand corruption - I've just read 'No Logo', and I feel ashamed to wearing Nike trainers! And I don't eat at McDonalds , but I do eat meat. I'M NOT A HIPPIE!!!

4: TV's Trisha - A forum for stupidity. When should stupidity be rewarded.

5: Waiting for phone calls - Hang on while I put my life on hold.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 17/06/01

1: Stereotyping me! - Just because I read a David Icke book, people should stop saying that all my theories on life etc are conspiracies and from that, "bloody Icke bloke". David Icke is a top bloke don't use his name in vain.

2: Finding churches funny - I'm sorry but it wasn't nerves at a funeral that made me have a big grin. It was funny, I haven't been in a church for a long time and all the stuff about God and Jesus seemed so out of date. I'm not knocking faith it might work for some, but I've read stuff recently that has knocked religion and me off my feet. Hello Vatican corruption...

3: Voting - I wasn't going to and then changed my mind. Locally we only had Labour, Conservative and Green. So I had to vote green as they were less evil, even though I don't agree with all they say!

3: Politicains - Cheap shot but I don't care who is running for the Conservative top seat. The insiders and spin doctors allready know who is going to win.

4: Hookers - Well not hookers but girls who are under 15, dressed like hookers. It's not big or clever raiding your mothers make up box. "How much for a quick one?"

5: Television - Stop cancelling programmes to show specials. ITV, you always take off shows to have a Trevor McDonald exclusive.

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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Weeks ending 03/06/01 TO 10/06/01 (I'VE BEEN SLACKING!)

1: Colds - I have all the symptoms of heyfever but It's just a cold that I have. And where is all that snot form my nose coming from?

2: Survivor again - You pulled Lucy Sullivan because it was shit so do the same with this. I don't want to know how much money was thrown at the advertising, it's as dead as the rats they killed.

3: Voting - To be honest whats the point? We fought two wars to make your vote count, you shouldn't have bothered!

4: The Library - Some bastard hasn't brought the book I wanted back yet and it's overdue. Where's my David Icke book?

5: Junk mail - Can I have some real letters now.

6: New Skateboarders - I hate New Skateboarders as much as New Metal. They where thick wooly hats and hooded tops in the blazing sun (the new equivalant of goths) and get in the way of everything. Give it a year and they'll join the next fad.

7: Work - It's hot and they've run out of water for the 'water cooler', we will all die...

8: Prince - Listened to most of his old albums and now know that he's not as good 'now' as he used to be.

9: BBC1 - Showing David Fincher's 'Seven' next week, in two parts? This isn't like the cinema in the old days where they'd swap film reels and you could piss on an ice-cream (or have a piss and get an ice-cream even!).

10: Rants - When you don't do them every week you forget what you were angry about, and as you can see the rants are a bit weak this time!

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 27/05/01

1:ITV's Survivor - It's not Big Brother, stop trying to make it into something really big by mass media hype. Stop the papers naming someone Nasty Nick (like Big Brother). It gets beaten in the ratings by a gardening show.

2: Big Bother 2 - Luckily I've been working so I haven't seen the even bigger hype of this. It won't be as good as the first one and now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon like it's new!.

3: The election campaign - Lies all lies!

4: Late night tv - Not as good as it used to be. Where's 'Cue the music', 'Get Stuffed', 'God's Gift', 'Sienfeld' or 'The Gary Shandling Show' (Larry Sanders).

5: Music pre-release hype - "Is it out in the shops yet? No it's out in two months time". So why can I hear it on the radio. Idiots!

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 20/05/01

1: My new job - It sucks making maps on computers, I've been there a week and they expect me to know how to do everything. Twats!.

2: John Prescott - Doesn't everyone think he's a good bloke now he's smacked someone. I bleeding don't, I don't agree with most of the adult population then. And everyone saying the bloke he hit was a hippy, shut up, you don't know anyhing.

3: BBC1 - For taking off the programme about Oaklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh. Channel 4 showed an excellent documentary but I wanted to compare it with the BBC's one sided account, probably.

4: Time - Far to slow when you want it to speed up and bloody fast when your having fun! You suck time.

5: The General Election and all that goes with it - Don't tell me I should vote. Locally we will probably only get Labour and Conservative. Why should I be forced to vote Labour, the lesser of two evils when they are still shit. I feel bad for voting them in... Your all rubbish at local level and corrupt higher up.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 13/05/01

1: Starting new Jobs - The first day is always really tense and you feel like you can't hold down any food. The day is really, really long and you have to alter your sleep pattern to get up and you didn't sleep very well anyway.

2: The Bafta Awards - Rubbish Ali G got an award, and all the media cared about was the dress that girl from Hollyoaks wasn't wearing and Tamzin Outhwaite's backless dress. And Emmerdale won best soap!

3: Having 3 phone calls in a row - I get in from work, cook tea and then sit my depressed arse down to have the phone go three times. I wanted a bit of quiet time for myself, but nooooooo!!!

4: That Lottery couple - Shut up already, 'Camelot' hate you and so do the public.

5: FBI mistakes - Forgetting to give the prosecution team for the Oklahoma bomber trial 'three Thousand bits of evidence'. Did they forget and it was just cluttering up an entire room. Oh and have they killed anyone innocent lately, No? Give it time!

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 06/05/01

1: Sara Cox - Is she drunk? When I hear her on the Radio and she gets excited I can't understand a word she says. She's the new un-funny Zoe Ball (she wasn't much cop either just look at the Priory!). And piss off Emma B (the un-funny Sara Cox).

2: Chris Evans marrying Billie - As a fan of Billie this angers me much. She's young so I'll catch her on the rebound. I give it a year.

3: Crap neighbours - It's Monday, it's time to put the bin bags out the front of your house and they've left theirs for three weeks at the back of the house. Your not old, and you leave your washing out for four days. Fucking retards. I'm waiting for the rats to come.

4: Ronnie Biggs - Fuck off, we don't want has been robbers sucking up our money in prison. Sun newspaper be ashamed of youselves.

5: Big Breakfast - Even the rats have left this sinking ship, (to live with my neighbours). Asking viewers to send in letters on how to save the show and then insulting their comments is sad. Richard Bacon you used to be funny, say hello to Live TV2. Donna Air needs putting down, say hello Byker Grove 2020.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 29/04/01

1: The Jobcentre rules - If you turn up to early then you can have your benifits stopped. I'm sorry, since when has being early ever been a bad thing. OK so during sex, yeah, but early for the jobcentre it shows your albe to get your arse moved for jobs!

2: Still Foot and Mouth - I don't care if Phoenix the calf has been saved and I care less about if it's in panto this year. What is the world coming to when a cow becomes famous for fifthteen minutes, Andy Warhol turns in his gracve.

3: Bad parents - On the bus again, where there was two teenagers with smelly dirty kids whom they ignored until one of the kids bashed themselves on the head with the seat in front. Why were the girls distracted? They were talking about boys. I'm sorry your not having sex ever again, you did it once got pregnant and that's bad enough. No more babies!

4:Racism - Nazi skinheaded Conservative leader William Hague, sort your party out. And Tony, don't think you deserve to be PM, you can't sort out Foot and Mouth!

5: Kids - Stop breaking my neighbours green house, you little fuckers don't even live around here you live in the 'Ghetto'.

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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 22/04/01

1: Television coverage of the Foot and Mouth Crisis - I was bored with it about ten months ago. And I don't want to see dead animals when I'm eating!

2: My Arse - It's quite sore and tender at the moment, but is the media interested, is it fuck. I don't see many email sympathy letters either.

3: Buses - The one I got on the other day stank of animal piss, and mobile phones kept going off. And someone closed the window because it was cold, better cold than getting a whiff of wee!

4: Wallpapering - The wall isn't straight, the paper is patterened, a mother isn't happy. It's not the end of the world love!

5: Job Interviews - I don't actually care about the history of the company I want to know how much I get payed. And don't pretend that the environments a happy family and that your a nice boss. "Why am I replacing the last person who left?"

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Things that will annoy me for life

1: Ex girlfriends - We don't get on anymore, and I tend to have nothing to do with the anymore, which doesn't help when you see them out of the blue and you both don't know what to say.

2: Songs from the past - Can bring back happier times, but usually make you depressed. Curse you music for making me this way.

3: A certain person - My arch nemisis dying in an accident. He was a good person but I disliked him for going out with my ex. When he died I was in America, and had been thinking about him and when I came back I heard the new and I was glad. But it's not nice to feel happy because of his family. Emotions can't be helped but I hope he's happy...

4: The Government - So evil that words cannot convey how I feel about them. I will say I'm ashamed to be British, and without swearing that insult is worse than any other.

5: Stupid people - Sadly they don't know who they are. You will see them on TV's 'Trisha', 'Kilroy' and 'Jerry Springer'. They are the ones shouting and swearing because they can't argue properly and they have no comprehension of earth language. They can be found fighting in clubs and pubs over the weekend.

6: The News - It's dumbed down, doesn't offer an unbiased view (just a white middle class view), makes you angry and doesn't ask the questions we want answers to, too the government.

7: Spelling - Not having a spelling function on notepad, that's why there are grammatical errors on my pages. Not because I can't spell of course,(I got two C's in English/English Lit).

8: The Big Breakfast - I just imagine it will annoy me for the rest of my life. The horror, the horror, the horror...

9: Teenagers/ young people - Now I'm grown up I hate them, they're not as nice as people used to be. They swear to old people, don't respect teachers, the police or people who don't agree with them. We should kill them all they will be bad parents and they're kids will be twice as worse!