the 21 gun salute!

FUCK YES

2009-07-13T23:21:00.002-05:00

My birthday is coming up, you sons and daughters of prostitutes. Saturday July 18 I will set Trophy bar on fire with the help of Rok One and Nick Hook from Cubic Zirconia.

In celebration/anticipation I'll give away a bunch of shit that I've "been saving" (the fact that I typed that is gay).

THIS SONG IS SO GOOD AND IF YOU DISAGREE, YOU ARE, AS THE BARD (SHAKESPEARE) SAID, SO WRONG I WILL LITERALLY DICKSLAP YOU.

John Paul Young ~ Love Is In The Air (12")

Sour

2009-07-07T17:39:00.002-05:00

Rock Critic by Tom Gauld

2009-07-07T12:51:00.001-05:00

Ch-Ch-Changes!

2009-07-01T10:44:00.002-05:00

"I have not blogged in a minute."
-Me, if I want Nathan to make fun of me

Hi lovers,

I've decided to switch up my blog a bit. When I originally started, I wanted to focus exclusively on music, which is basically what this blog was about since its inception. However, I realized that

A) I don't listen to music anymore because

and B) I've realized that, because of A), I have many other things I want to complain about. And what is a blog if not about complaining!

So with this expansion hopefully blogging will re-commence soon, with new and exciting terrible things to commiserate over.

peace love empathy,
Kurt Cobain's suicide letter

RIP Virgin Megastore pt 2

2009-06-16T12:27:00.003-05:00

Just read a neat article on the death of Virgin in the Times here.

Valuable Goddamn Information

2009-06-15T23:12:00.004-05:00

This is a GAME CHANGER people. You can now download YouTube videos. Without the YT logo in the corner. There are a couple options, like idesktop.tv, and someone told me there's also a firefox plugin, BUT the one I now use regularly is keepvid.com

It operates off a very simple "cut and paste the url into this field and press Make Magic happen" principle, and there's no telling how long this will last for, but as of now I recommend downloading any video you've ever favorited.

Bonus info via onluker.com:

If you’re posting/linking direct to a YouTube URL, add &fmt=18 to the end of the URL and it’ll play in the HQ version .

To embed a High Quality Youtube video, you need to add the following code onto the end of both URLs in the embed code:
&ap=%2526fmt%3D18

OMG x700

Summertime BBQ Jamz

2009-06-03T23:45:00.003-05:00

This memorial day I went to Lloyd & Mustache James' BBQ at their place on Adelphi St in Brooklyn. There was, to quote myself from 8 years ago, "good vibes, good tunes, good times, bro! You should come through FOR SURE!" Stache had like 10 crates of disco behind the turntables, and the whole thing was routed through an old boombox that, in the last 45 minutes, Sterryo had the inspired idea to throw a cassette in to record the set.

Here's Stache's take:

Lots of chunky disco and horns! That's me at 16:10 playing Junior and Claudja Barry.

Memorial Day!

do the Helen Keller talk with your hips lyrics yahoo search query

2009-06-01T21:35:00.017-05:00

A few months ago Sumer posted the music video for "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3 on this prestigious blog. She did this, I assume, for several reasons:

1. While she is a very intelligent and self-aware young woman, Sumer is still literally only 24, which allows her to make the occasional egregious error.

2. At the time, she had just finished touring with Scary Kids Scaring Kids (no comment on this gaggle of yabbos necessary), and I stated that they were the worst. Sumer disagreed. She maintained that 3OH!3 is the worst band of all time. Then, after hearing/seeing 3OH!3 she promptly (semi-genuinely because she actually likes them a little) changed her mind and half-heartedly embraced them.

3. She did this simply to annoy me because she knows I think all music created for tweeny bopper girls by birds-nest-hair-having, fresh-faced scumbag pedophile toothless troglodytes is bad.

In fact, to this day I remain unmoved in my opinion that 3OH!3 is FIBI (for idiots by idiots). In the holy trinity of these irrefutable clods it goes:

3OH!3 (worst)
SKSK (worster)
brokeNCYDE (worstest)

The main thrust of Sumer's argument as to why 3OH!3 merited further investigation (which was the same reason I dismissed them) was due to the now iconic bridge in "Don't Trust Me," wherein these yammering clowndongs repeat the following ad nauseum:

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller
And talk with your hips

The only natural response to hearing this, if you are a halfway intelligent person, is of course to scream NO! RACHEL! SHUT UP! at the top of your lungs and then vomit all over yourself. Now whether or not you are 3OH!3 or 3NO!3, I think we can all agree that The 21 Gun Salute (capitalized for effect) is no home for their unique brand of terrible awfulness. However, the vote of the common man cannot be ignored! For you see, dear valued reader, from the inauspicious beginnings of Sumer's semi-ironic original post, there rose a maelstrom... building from mild lapping waves to unignorable screeching tempest, and it said one thing:

WE, THE NETIZENS OF THE WORLD, DEMAND FROM YOU, THE INTERNET, UNCEASING COVERAGE OF 3OH!3

I know this for a fact, because when I checked the traffic for my site, at first there were a few referrers from the yahoo search "helen keller talk with your hips lyrics," which I thought I would address and dispatch with ease and never discuss again. Unfortunately, due to the cruel architecture of the internet/Google Analytics, I realized with growing horror that by addressing/dispatching 3OH!3, I was actually going to DOUBLE or TRIPLE the number of Twilight obsessed 17 year olds that would find my site.

As of yesterday, this is what the traffic breakdown was of The 21 Gun Salute. I have highlighted the number of people who get here by (for some reason predominantly) yahoo-ing "helen keller hips I am literally a child and candy is sweet."

So in response to this overwhelming demand, I have decided to give you people what you want. The 21 Gun Salute will now, apparently, play host to 3OH!3 and be the one stop destination for all your 3OH!3 needs.

But before I deliver unto you the sweet, sweet 3OH!3 flavored gold, please heed these words, 18 year old: 3OH!3 is an objectively terrible band. While I say this because I'm old, please note that my oldness does not detract from their terribleness. And if you take one thing away from your (on average) 95 seconds on this site, know that at one point you will go to college, that you will listen to different, older, better music (unless you go to a state school with 70,000+ people, in which case 3OH!3 is pretty much it), and you will objectively realize that 3OH!3, the music of your youth, is terrible, but you will be powerless to hate it, because it will be the music of your youth and nostalgia forgives all. You will become me, in other words, because let's face it Nirvana is a terrible band.

HERE ~~MY TROUBLES BEGAN!~~ BEGINS COMPREHENSIVE 3OH!3 COVERAGE!

Don't Trust Me lyrics

Black dress with the tights underneath
I've got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth
And shes an actress(actress)but she ain't got no need
Shes got money from her parents in a trust fund back east

Tongues always pressed to your cheeks, while my tongue
is on the inside of some other girl's teeth
And tell your boyfriend
If he says hes got beef that I'm a vegetarian
And I ain't fucking scared of him

[x2]
She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho
Cuz a ho won't trust me

X's on the back on your hand
Wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands
And the set list(set list)
You stole off the stage
Has red and purple lipstick all over the page

Bruises cover your arms shaking in the
Fingers with the bottle in your palm
And the best is(best is)
No one knows who you are
Just another girl, alone at the bar

[x2]
She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho
Cuz a ho won't trust me

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the helen keller
And talk with your hips

[x2]
I said shush girl, shut your lips
Do the helen keller
And talk with your hips

[x2]
She wants to touch me, woo hoo
She wants to love me, woo hoo
She'll never leave me, woo hoo woo hoo hoo
Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

Did you know, 18 year old?

*that you can follow them! (here's 2 hints it's fake: 1 it has nowhere near enough spelling errors, and 2 if it were really them it would be updated via their iPhone or Blackberry)

*that literally thousands of you can like the bit.lys that their marketing interns put up?

*that 3OH!3, after smoking 5 blunts each, will wish you and yours a happy non-denominational holiday and new year's (because you know, obviously they can't say "christmas" or "hannukah" in their YT video that 23,000 people will watch because that would be religiously myopic you guys, but they definitely can and should say "never trust a ho" literally 18 times in their song that has sold over 1.5 million copies)?

*that 3OH!3 is one of the top 100 songs in the iTunes store?

*that the song was only released in the UK this month? (whatever that means)

*that there are LITERALLY SO MANY covers of "Don't Trust Me" on YT? AND HERE'S THE THING I don't hate the fans for this. I do not. It's actually the opposite of my thing with Girltalk. Re: Girltalk, I do not hate Girltalk himself, I hate the plebian masses that splay themselves prostrate to his throne. With 3OH!3 it's the opposite. I don't hate the kids who like them, but I hate the members of 3OH!3 so very, very much. Eat shit and die, Sean Matthew Foreman and Nathaniel Warren Seth Motte (actual literal names)!

This is because, with Girltalk, the people I know who like him should be able at this point to make up their own, grown up minds about things like this, and of course we should all agree that Girltalk is terrible.

With 3OH!3 the target audience is comprised of 17 year olds who still wear braces and are really awkward like all kids are. I mean, it would be really really easy to make fun of these heart-on-their-sleeves wearing kids:

AND YET I AM NOT! I am, unlike the Geto Boys, a motherfucking gentleman. 3OH!3 fans, I recognize that my job is to provide you a service, like finding you the rare myspace only alternate video of "Don't Trust Me".

And that one's FREE, little 18 year old! Come back next time and you'll get to download some disco records that you don't give a shit about!

NEXT: the first-person oral history of brokeNCYDE, revealed 140 characters at a time, usually via RTs.

SINCE U BEEN GONE: Landmark or LANDMINE?!?!

2009-05-31T22:25:00.006-05:00

BY ARCHIE BEVINS

SHOCK: The Public Abuse & Humiliation of Kelly Clarkson at the hands of Max Martin (noted producer).

Readers of this site will already be familiar with Max Martin [HYPER LINK TO 21 gun entry!!], noted Swede pop producer/songwriter/genius, responsible for billions of hits. The most important of these songs is SINCE U BEEN GONE, best modern American popular song since "Shall We Gather at The River," or at least "Buffalo Stance."

He wrote it, Kelly Clarkson sang the living fuck out of it [link amazing live MTV footage of her barefoot in the rain], and the rest is history.

BUT was it history or......HER-story? Eh? You see, on her follow-up album, Kelly decided that she was going to liberate HERself from the yoke of oppression that is/was that dastardly cabal of behind-the-scenes,male, string-pulling (and plucking, natch) songwriters. I.e. she was going to abandon the hit-makers and WRITE HER OWN SONGS.

So she did just that, releasing "MY DECEMBER" in 2007. How successful was that album? Well, lets just say that I just had to look up the title in order to write that sentence, i.e. no, it was not successful -- it was a roundly repudiated flop.

And so it was that she came to reunite with Max Martin, who wrote and produced her new single MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITH YOU. Which brings us to...

MAX MARTIN's REVENGE

Clearly, Max was LIVID that Clarkson had abandoned him. In his eyes, he had made her a star, whilst she had looked a gift horse in the mouth as it were. He was, we might guess, tempted to say "I told you so," and refuse to write her another hit. But he was not going to punish her that way. Revenge is - as the Jews say - a dish best served lukewarm and overpriced.

Thus and so he delivered the coldest revenge: He forced her - in front of millions, and in her own lovely singing voice - to state to the world that she was a fool ever to have doubted him, and that she is utterly worthless garbage if and when she is not being controlled by his capable hands.

The first part of the lyrics are written directly from Martin's perspective:
"Guess this means you're sorry/You're standing at my door/Guess this means you take back/All you said before...Said you'd never come back/But here you are again."

But in the second part, he writes her a script of what he wants her to say TO HIM. She reads it under duress, like when John McCain read an anti-American speech written for him by the VietCong who held a gun to his head:

"...I was stupid for telling you goodbye...Either way, I found out I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU."

See what I'm getting at here? The real song title is "I, Kelly Clarkson, suck at music without YOU, Max Martin, at the HELM," or "MY CAREER is virtually nonexistent or at least rife with shitty, non-hit songs, without MAX MARTIN as songwriter of the first 3 singles."

HISTORY vs. HERSTORY: Is Max Martin justified, or is this a dreadful affront to a sweet young Christian's dignity?

What are to make of all of this? On the one hand, credit where credit is due: Max Martin is clearly a genius, and non-Max Martin Kelly Clarkson songs are mostly bad.

HOWEVER, Mr. Martin shouldn't get too big for his britches, and young (actually not so much anymore) Kelly deserves credit. Did you know that "SINCE U BEEN GONE" was originally written for PINK i.e. ugly ugly female impersonator who cannot sing and has no charisma? Without Kelly's impressive American Idol range and sweet lil face, nobody would ever have known or liked that song!! Also, "Because of You" from BREAKAWAY, which she wrote, is really not that bad.

Plus, Max Martin has written tons of shitty songs for tons of other shitty pop artists that never made a dent (i.e. loads of Britney songs that I've never even heard of).

So they've both got a point, which Martin himself all but admits: "I know that I've got issues/But you're pretty messed up too."

IN CONCLUSION: Martin's not totally off-base, but he was still way too harsh and sadistic on this one. ALSO, the new song is no "SINCE U BEEN GONE" by any stretch -- it sounds like a bad knock-off of that classic, and its actually kind of bad. So fuck you, Max Martin. How dare you?!?!?!

THE END

My Life Would Suck Without You lyrics
Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are agaiin
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go
Oh yeah

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

DIANA ROSS

2009-05-28T23:27:00.002-05:00

I started half-reading Fear Of Music by Garry Mulholland as bedtime literature recently. It's pretty well-written, plus he's black and british so that's 2 merit badges already. I mean, he's basically Eddy Grant! This book is a follow-up to another book he wrote called This Is Uncool, which was a catalog of his all-time 500 singles since punk and disco. Actually, Uncool is really good. Especially at the time of me reading it I was really interested in stuff he was covering and it was basically how I found out about the Undertones, Josef K etc. Also he's an entertaining writer and genuinely loves all this great new wave shit so it's always great to read someone else write on and on about 15 different Smiths singles.

Anyways Fear Of Music covers Mulholland's 250+ favorite full length LPs since punk and disco, and while I'm skipping the sections about why the first Au Pairs album is great (not interested, ladies!), I am finding out stuff like how Sound Affects is supposed to be the best Jam album, and that the reissued version of Singles Going Steady has 4 tracks not on the original pressing. Also I'm finding out that Chic produced the Diana Ross debut LP and she was so pissed about being mixed low (she likened it to singing backup to the production on her own album) that she demanded a remixing of the whole thing and Chic was all "fine take our names off the credits then." I guess this is pretty common folklore among the disco heads but it's news to me. Also whatever, I'm Chinese and didn't grow up with that album, and I figured "Upside Down" and "I'm Coming Out" are all I really need to know from it.

So I was looking online for the Diana LP and came across this great article on Popdose which breaks down all the ways in which Diana Ross is a heartless shrew by Matthew Bolin. I don't know who this writer is, but (gay voice) you simply MUST read his other blogs!!!

Here's a dude who reviews Don Henley, Todd Rundgren, and Danzig albums, and also does a feature called All Wham! All Weekend. DUDE STOP TWISTING MY ARM WE CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

"When Good Albums Happen To Bad People: Diana Ross" by my BFF Matthew Bolin

Oh yeah, this led me to Googs'ing the deluxe version of the Diana LP, and I found out this reissue from 2003 has the original Chic unreleased mix of the whole album! You can get it here via D-Trax.

Recent vinyl burns

2009-05-26T23:54:00.004-05:00

So after a suitably cheeseburger-fueled Memorial Day weekend I have finally gotten back around to burning some records. I totally got a new appreciation for cheesey italo jams and freestyle, after playing some records at Lloyd's BBQ with Duane, Stache, Sterryo, Rok, Porkchop etc. Stache if you're reading this I WANT that sandwich song.

JAMZ!

Pretenders ~ Kid (Extended Remix)
Chryssie Hynde still wins at the foxy, junkie-loving, once-bitten twice-shy MILF-faced haggard chick with the best 80s voice there is. I never knew there was a 12 for this but apparently that's why ~~Chad Kroeger~~ Jesus invented vinyl.

Doves ~ Kingdom Of Rust (Still Going RMX)
I've literally never had any desire to listen to the Doves before this but this Still Going remix is super moody and extends the bassline (presumably?). It's more on the atmospheric side. Plus I don't know if any of you guys have heard the Rub N Tug mix of Coldplay (???) but it's REALLY GOOD.

Milke ~ Love Get Out Of My Way (Daniel Wang Dub)
If you read Daniel Wang's bio on Ghostly it basically says he's living the fabulous life in Germany, dancing til God knows what o'clock, doof doof doofing his life away with a bunch of leather laced Germanic statues of men. This is all well and good, after all the dude gave us Like Some Dream I Can't Stop Dreaming, but come on, get some more music out there! MAKE IT HAPPEN MY AZN BROTHA anyways here's a dub he did of some who knows band/artist's who knows song.

"Me likey." -noted ~~idiot~~ hip-hop artiste/auteur Kanye West

I love my iPhone

2009-05-26T23:26:00.001-05:00

because this is what happens when you used to call it:

...and this is what happens now:

FAVE JAMZ, MAY 21

2009-05-20T23:46:00.002-05:00

As of this day, Thursday May 21 in the day of our Lord, these are my favorite jamz:

Kinks ~ Sunny Afternoon

***

Migmit ~ Of Birds Moons And Monsters (Holy Ghost RMX)

***

RCMP ~ Mustache Love

Are those the horns from "In The Bush"?

An open letter to everyone on The Wire

2009-05-19T19:50:00.013-05:00

Everyone's real sad that the greatest show on earth is now over. No, Lost idiots, I'm not talking to your dumbasses, I'm talking to the cast of the Wire. You Lostos go huddle around a burning fire of confused fan commentary somewhere.

Wire people, the show is over and I know as actors you can't simply bow out gracefully and live the Thoreau life with grace and dignity. Recession etc. McNulty, I'm sorry Punisher War Journal happened, just as I am to "Stringy" that Obsessed happened, or to Omar that Gone Baby Gone happened. But one of the many many things that made the Wire incredible was the use of "diagetic sound" (one dollar word!). When they played that bland Sheryl Crow song or whatever in the bar at the end of Season 2 it wasn't because Alexandra Patsavas was combing through her favorite shitty CDs, or because miserable unpaid Bunim Murray intern somehow managed to get his favorite song on the air, it was because THIS IS THE LAME MUSIC THAT PLAYS IN LAME BARS.

This is why the Wire soundtrack CD was a bad idea. Yes it's cool to hear the Domaje version of Down In The Hole, and the Technics song that played in the background while Bodie shotguns Cutty and goes "shit is ONNNNN" is amazing, but do I really need all these spoken word excerpts? Is this a Quentin Tarantino film? There's like a song by the Sharpshooters on there? Ha ha you guys suck, sorry Mr Supreme but the Sharpshooters are like a fake British acid jazz clusterfuck with even shittier rappers. Anyways:

music from the Wire in the context of the Wire = the greatest, music from the Wire not in context = the worst.

By this equation, music made by Wire people after the Wire = the ultimate worst:

STRINGER

(in Twoface voice) NAAOOOOOOAOOAOAOAOO!
There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with this video you guys. I know it's not like Stringy put it up himself but JESUS CHRIST. The imagery is fucking google image/I'm feeling lucky'd and why does the song take 2 full minutes to start? And why is there 3 minutes of black at the end? And also CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT STRINGY'S GODDAMN RAPPING FOR A MINUTE? "Rees-pohn-si'ility!" Ugg boots.

NAMOND
This is a real find actually. Kyle told me about this and there used to be a YT clip of Julito McCullum in his buddy's house freestyling/joking but it's no longer up. My guess is because he got clowned so hard that the only way to preserve dignity was to quietly sweep it under the rug (a lesson HannaH's Field has yet to learn). But sadly, the more likely truth is that he took it down because he didn't want to give away the fire for free and that jokey rapping inspired him to spend a lot of money and time recording a real hip hop song.

Namond Brice ~ The Wire

This is not unlike what would happen if the fictional Namond Brice tried to become a rapper in the Wire? Hmmm? Except... Julito gave himself the rap name Namond. And he's really bad at rapping. And people are probably all making fun of him and it probably makes him just want to go home and play video games to forget. Like, has life just STOPPED TRYING to hide the fact that it imitates art I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS

DANIELS
*click on "musician" and prepare for that thing you once called your mind to spill out of your ears. I know it takes awhile to load, but I promise you it's worth it. Would I lie to you, or for that matter, would YOUR OWN EYES???

So. One smooth light jazz R&B track trumps 5 seasons of the Wire. Good to know.

SLIM CHARLES
Actually Slim Charles gets a free pass because he was doing this for a while.

"I know some clubs that would wreck y'all" -The guy who got his cousin to kill D'Angelo (spoiler alert D'Angelo gets killed)

STEVE EARLE
But not you, Steve Earle! Yeah you're not exempt just because you're a legitimate musician and you're white, son! The autotuned atrocity season 5 theme song was ugly. But not as ugly as your walrus face! And there's a DJ playing with him too LOLz.

Sometimes I wish everyone would pull a Michael Hogan and be all "judge me on the merits of my acting in the show. And NOTHING ELSE. You're getting nothing else from me you frakking jackals."

New Mix!

2009-05-18T23:36:00.006-05:00

I haven't made a mix in a minute, so I put together some records that I've been really into recently. The majority of these records are from 1984 and this was mixed mostly live from vinyl.

FIRST TIME AROUND '84

TRAXX

Steve Winwood ~ Freedom Overspill (Liberty Mix)
Art Of Noise ~ Legacy (Extended Version)
I Level ~ In The River (M&M Mix)
Wang Chung ~ Dance Hall Days (US Club Edit)
Rene & Angela ~ I'll Be Good (Dub)
Change ~ Change Of Heart
Billy Ocean ~ Loverboy (AOR Mix)
Bruce Springsteen ~ Cover Me (Arthur Baker Dub)
Rolling Stones ~ Under Cover Of The Night (Extended Version)
Konk ~ What U Want / DJ Mixers
OMD ~ Talking Loud & Clear (Extended Version)
Klein & MBO ~ MBO Theme (Members Only Edit)
Jakki ~ Sun, Sun, Sun (DJ Duke Edit)
Skyy ~ First Time Around

What's in your DJ bag son

2009-05-17T23:42:00.004-05:00

I always love reading what other DJ's pack in their bags. I have no idea why it's interesting. Maybe it's only interesting to me, but who cares, I'm going to write about it, son!

It's my ~~party~~ music blog and I'll ~~cry~~ blog about my record bag if I want to.
-Lesley "Jewish" Gore

I bought this ridiculously overpriced Tumi bag. It was something like $400 but this was back when I was earning dumb cheese spinning screamo club hip hop for idiots. Pre-recession son! It has a trillion pockets and an area for a laptop, plus that top pocket is the perfect size for your serato box. It's super handy but the Lab now sells an equivalent for way cheaper.

Here's a bunch of stuff that have saved my life. You never know what you really need until you're in a position where it's absolutely necessary. Here's some pretty standard cheapo stylii cleaner -- needles get super dusty super fast in Serato and licking your finger and flicking it a couple times only helps in the short term. There's a clitoris joke in there somewhere.

I always carry a 1/8" to 1/4" adapter, and that right angle adapter has saved my ass many times. Whenever you play on rented equipment it almost always come with the mixer wedged in the coffin with no wiggle room. Also, those are an extra set of contacts. DJing literally blind is really one of the worst things ever.

Blank CDs, earplugs, 2 prong to 3 prong triple power plug, Serato CDs (never used), manual, Serato power, extra comics... pretty standard.

Never underestimate the importance of having the cheapest shittiest umbrella in the world jammed in your side pocket. Life-changing.

This is what I use. Technics 1200A headphones, Shure M44-7s (in the old shittily designed Shure case), Stanton slipmats. I put my name/# on everything because when you DJ with like 3 other dudes and everyone's drunk you want to make sure you get all your shit back at the end of the night. That Y cord is pretty key too, put on a song from your iPhone just in case the Serato box doesn't have power, or the phono doesn't work, or you want to record your set, etc. Also I agree those Stantons are the ugliest thing since Leonard Cohen but they're super smooth and their ugliness always prevents me from forgetting them at the bar at the end of the night.

A bunch of transition records plus some Serato records. Always have extra Serato plates. Adrian and I learned this the hard way in WMC one year, when Jemz thought a good way to end his set would be to throw the Serato record away like a frisbee. Rest of the night was spent DJing with 1 record.

Here's 2x other things I recommend:
*The "Just Light" application for iPhone. It's free and is the most basic, perfect thing of all -- it makes your screen all white and is a DJ flashlight. Superior to other apps because you can hit the screen and the light doesn't go away.
*Lacie 8gb key drive. This is kind of slow but so worth it.

Jabbawockeez

2009-05-14T16:39:00.004-05:00

Here's a clip I produced about the Jabbawockeez (aka winner of mario lopez pants off dance off show) for my job:

*special thanks to pase & eli who let me use So Fucking Disco

Pitbull

2009-05-13T22:37:00.006-05:00

Holy shit how good is Pitbull. Everything he puts out is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome. I don't know at what point I realized that he = the man but once I figured it out every single track was like gold x gold (gold squared). It was like the quadratic formula of Pitbull's amazingness. He has that perfect charisma that allows him to get away with saying some of the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard, which is also basically the only important thing an MC needs. Where's 4AM Jess I know she will chime in with delight:

Never stop Pitbull. You are the best.

I'm in Miami Bitch (RMX)
*literally the only good part in this song is Pitbull

I Know You Want Me (Extended English Version)
*one of the many best parts of this song is that weird recurring beep sound that comes in all the time

Weekend

2009-05-08T10:28:00.008-05:00

Hi beloved readers, I apologize for this slow blogging week. I was working/shooting something with the Jabbawockeez (y'heard it correck!) and watching the worst film of all time Wolverine. Has anyone else seen this pile of nonsense? The Onion called it "worse than Elektra and Daredevil combined" which is saying a lot. Sometimes we comic dorks have to walk the lonely path. I knew this movie was going to be the biggest abortion in abortion history but I had no idea how preposterous it was. It was really, really preposterous. SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH IT! There's not one but TWO overhead shots of Wolverine looking up at the sky screaming "NOOOO!" (one of them is him as a KID! and the other one is reprised in a flashback! so technically three!)

UGH so anyways if anyone's around tonight I'm playing at Savalas in BK with Rok One and Blu Jemz. Rok One is 99% an awesome DJ (except for that one time. we won't discuss that one time) and Jemz would get more props from me if he ever had me on his radio show. Ha! JK Rowling Jemz no but seriously get me on your show.

So to apologize for putting up zero songs this week here's a bunch for the weekend:

Traks / Long Train Runnin (Ballroom Edit)
An old jam but I finally recorded it from vinyl (in strongbad voice) SOOO GOOOOOOOD

La Roux / In For The Kill (Skream Get Ravey RMX)
I normally hate new music. But I like this!

Pase & Eli / So Fucking Disco
Yes this song came out 17 years ago but whatever I've been listening to it nonstop recently. That thing I'm cutting with the Jabbawockeez (y'heard it correck!) is going to feature this song I think.

Stroer / Don't Stay Till Breakfast
*by request

Oh yeah I was perusing the traffic to this site recently, checking how people are linked/referred here, and found much to my chagrin how a bunch of you yabbos end up on this site:

Come on you guys, you seriously are coming to my site by googling 3OH!3 lyrics??? Seriously? I guess thanks Sumer for keeping me relevant but dude! No! Unacceptable!

I prefer you come to this site by googling this:

More re: record stores in NY

2009-05-01T15:16:00.002-05:00

So to continue my on and off again evaluations of my fave stores in NY to buy records, I wanted to spotlight where you should NOT go. I hate going to record fairs and seeing the old school dealers who have 70,000 Beatles records. Actually I like going to those guys because they have a bunch of disco 12s on the floor for a dollar each. If you're ever not sure about whether or not a store is worth spending time in, a pretty good yardstick is checking how much they sell Fleetwood Mac Rumours for. Typically this record can go from $2 to $12 pretty fairly I'd say. This is for a solid listening copy that's not in mint but definitely not beaten up, with the poster insert included. Since this record sold a drillion copies, it's pretty much everywhere so you just need to find a relatively clean one which is easy.

Do NOT waste your time in a store where this happens:

SRSLY dude? $40? I concur that this is the greatest record ever but I mean come on who are you fooling here. This is a $5 record. Unless it happens to have a signed note from Stevie Nicks' doctor to her ballet instructor saying "Stevie can't do ballet class today because she literally did so much blow that dude SHE COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT" no jury would convict you for guffawing loudly in the store.

What's worse:

Dude! $20 for an ABBA greatest hits? Yeah it's gatefold SO WHAT! Ugh. This is a $2 record, tops. Am I getting bent out of shape for this? Mountain out of molehill etc? I don't think so. This is like garden variety record store 101 etiquette. KNOW WHAT YOUR RECORDS ARE WORTH. Economics = supply VS demand. Even I know this.

Conclusion: best store in NY still = A1:

all hail jonny santos

2009-04-30T11:33:00.000-05:00

Who put together this ultimate 80s rock playlist. Play these songs while you're doing anything and you instantly are in the middle of a montage sequence.

who's afraid of virgin woolfeystore?

2009-04-29T10:50:00.001-05:00

RIP Virgin Megastore. I guess Record Store Day was so successful that all the beardos and mom & pop stores have finally David & Goliath'd you. I'm sad emoticon. The Megastore in Union Square was one of my favorite places to go. You can easily waste 2 hours in there and not buy a thing.

Where else can you see the new issue of the Source with Eminem on it, read the tracklisting for the Joy Division box set, buy season 2 of the Wire, watch the only good part of Dumbo, buy POV volume 4: Cock Guzzlers, and listen to the new Muse album or whatever all in one place?

Also they have a DJ there and that is just inherently funny.

So I walked around and as a last hurrah (so long, Virgin Megastore VIP Reward Bucks card!) I spent a bunch of money on some shit I don't need:

Best Bill Murray movie evar.

OK you ~~fucking yabbos~~ beloved readers. NO GODDAM SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS I haven't seen season 4.5 yet. (In Akira/Kaneda voice "DO YOU HEAR MEEEEYA!")

The 2nd volume of the Elaste space disco comp on vinyl. Don't be fooled by the cover! It's not mixed! I checked the discogs on my iphone before I bought it! I love my iphone!

The EP from Ewan Pearson's Piece Works comp with that 27 minute Cortney Tidewell track on it:

Also this is awesome, they're releasing all the old Radiohead CD singles on 12" vinyl? On 180g? Pressed at 45? Forget all that OK Computer nonsense, now you can finally get their 2 best songs on 12:

Fake Plastic Trees!

OMG Creep OMG!!!11!1!!1one!!!1

Bonus LOL: Thomme Yourkeee when he was in his grunge phase:

Nice Cell Tshirt, Radiohead member that isn't Thomme Yourkeee, Christopher Walken, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or that other guy with sunglasses!

Bee Gees

2009-04-28T16:52:00.000-05:00

RIP Beat Street in the Fulton St Mall. That place is closed right? As far as I was concerned that place was da truest essence of hip hop in its essence for real. I went there after the Black Album came out and this guy who was like head of the hip hop section sat there explaining the lyrics to Moment of Clarity to some kids who didn't get it, and he was all big and making pronouncements from his throne and I thought "wow I truly am in da heart. I hope some Queensbridge dudes don't come in here and start a realness brawl" (actual literal thoughts).

I found all my hip hop shit there back when I had to go find "Ain't that Funny (Ja Rule remix)" on vinyl, and I also picked up all the boots of classic records I was too Chinese to have grown up listening to. As a side note, let me just say that it kills me whenever old school dudes say "that's a classic right there" re: 80s R&B boogie jams. Not to me it wasn't. I didn't grow up listening to Alicia Myers and Shalamar.

Let me just say that anyone who owns any records on the House Party label may recognize that the shittiness of their design runs completely opposite to how perfectly their records are mixed. I have no idea what they did when they pressed these bootlegs but they pressed them FUCKING LOUD and the EQs are all perfect. There's one for Zhane and another for Mase and some others I don't remember but after a while I started buying everything on House Party just because I knew it would sound really good on a loud system.

I'm trying to think what other records are pressed real good. The 12 of Oliver Cheatham's "Get Down Saturday Night" is super loud. Kano "I'm Ready" is pretty perfectly EQ'd too. Haha actually In Da Club is pretty perfectly mixed too I think. Unlike "Toxic" on which the highs are near ear-splitting levels. Anyways here's 2 Bee Gees tracks, they're mixed SO GOOD YOU GUYS:

Bee Gees ~ Night Fever / Stayin Alive (Loud as hell House Party levels)

best otis redding songs ever

2009-04-27T16:22:00.007-05:00

When I was in like 12th grade? I had a mixtape called "MAKE OUT" that was literally 2 hours of make out music. Oh man I totally have to find it because it is a WINRAR and features not only retrospectively great make out music (soul/ella & louie/portishead) but also some cringe-inducing not-aging-well timepieces too (DJ Shadow, Ani Difranco? There must have been). Also it was when I was like just beginning to make decisions about buying music so a lot of the songs were super obvious. It was like "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MAKING OUT WITH AN ASIAN VOLUME 1!" Track 1 Side 1 however, was Otis Redding's "These Arms Of Mine," which I still stand by. He's literally crying over how bad he wants to make out with you!

In fact, Otis Redding is so inarguably the man that anyone who attempts to argue otherwise needs to be bludgeoned to death and have his/her grave stomped/pee'd on. My only real standard for judging soul singers is how well they straddle the duality of fire in the belly and hands in the air screeching VS soft quiet times my heart is slowly breaking because girl you don't understand how much I hate/love you.

By that measure, James Brown is also inarguably the man but I mean that has been proven so consistently empirically (wow an adverb can apparently modify an adverb) that he's bordering on Led Zeppelin/Bob Marley/Jimi Hendrix territory.

TANGENT
I shit on Bob Marley often, usually resorting to the argument that it's nothing inherently against his music but what his music has become. Basically,

Bob Marley = Bob Marley's music = what is playing when beer-chugging cargo pants do bong rips and rape

I also make this argument against Jimi Hendrix. Saki who is a noted genius said that most people like me who make this argument would have a significantly less strong foothold if only Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix wore form-fitting suits. This is actually totally true and in fact reveals the artifice of my opinions. If Bob Marley wore an awesome black suit and tie I would not make fun of him at all.
[/TANGENT]

Charles Wright also does this, except I think he's more into social equality/racial unity than about getting sweet sweet lady action. This raises the Scott Pilgrim quandary: does this mean he's on the moral high ground, or just a pussy?

I SAY THAT TO SAY THIS (worst transition ever)

In order to qualify the best soul singer, you have to qualify both sides of their soulitude, ie their belly fire and their why god why fire (be it relative to scorned love or ending racism). To that end, I will still stand by "These Arms Of Mine" for Otis' Why God Why side, and also state that this is his best Lawd Get Off Your Feet And Stomp side:

OTIS REDDING ~ I CAN'T TURN YOU LOOSE (punker than fuck live version)

When you listen to it, note the distorted everything! It's like Strychnine but with even more blown out horns!

BONUS (in british accent) BARNSTORMER!
Merry Clayton ~ Gimme Shelter