3:10 to Joba

What to Watch: July 15

2009-07-15T16:15:00.000-04:00

So, there's actually nothing on tonight as baseball's All-Star Break enters its last day.

Instead, enjoy Built To Spill playing "Liar."

Hump de Bump: All Star Break Stuff

2009-07-15T12:00:00.001-04:00

Wednesday's suck. The taint of the work week or school week can drag on forever... but the weekend looms with promises of sweets. To help get you through this day of days, we present you with links (the "Bumps") to other sites that put up awesome content from the past few days. Hopefully this reading provides momentary respite.

Via Bugs and Cranks: The Average All-Star Makes Less Than The Average Yankee

Via The Dugout: The Most Even Trade Ever

Via With Leather: I Find the All-Star Break Irritating

Via Fangraphs: Dan Haren has not one but three good fastballs with which to destroy you

Via Big League Stew: An interview with Tim Lincecum. HE IS MINE YOU BASTARDS!

Via Ghostrunner on First: All-Star Break Offers No Break From Incessant Hand-Wringing

And it's called "Hump Day" for a reason, so without further ado, your humptastic female of the week.

This week it's actress Autumn Reeser.

Signs that the All-Star Game has gone too far

2009-07-15T09:00:00.001-04:00

Allow me to recreate the scene for you. The pinnacle of human achievement was at the dish, Tim Lincecum, resident unabashed mancrush and stud pitcher, came up and in...

DEREK JETER GOT HIT ON THE HAND! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!

My brain almost short circuited upon faced with the prospect of hating Tim Lincecum for possibly injuring the face of my most-loved franchise.

Then I realized that I don't have to hate Lincecum, I just have to hate the concept of this banal, insignificant, publicity stunt.

Find a better way to have a mid-season circle jerk Selig. How dare you risk the well-being of one of the game's brightest stars (and lord of eBay auctions!) simply to determine which team gets home field advantage in a World Series that hardly anybody watches anymore.

Oh and luckily he seems to be OK and had a great game etc. etc.

BUT THIS IS NOT OVER, COMMISSIONER.

I can only imagine what would have happened if a Red Sox player got injured during this contest. The state of Massachusetts might drift into the Atlantic as an expression of outrage.

In Case You Missed It: All-Star Game Edition

2009-07-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

Here's what you may have missed from last night's action while using excellent powers of persuasion.

Friends, allow me to recap the All-Star Game.

Oh, and the NL still blows. Just stop wasting everyone's time and give the AL homefield advantage at this point.

Rivera nails down the save. The 8th inning was pretty good. This is me wanking.

What to Watch: July 14

2009-07-14T16:15:00.001-04:00

Here's what you should be watching tonight while wondering what would have happened if things had been different.

- American League at National League; 8:05PM
It's the only thing on tonight! Choices! Variety! Free will! ties!

Matt Bush seems fun

2009-07-14T09:00:00.001-04:00

Matt Bush was a former number one overall draft pick for the San Diego Padres. Like many other highly-touted prospects (hi, Mark Prior!), the shortstop's career hasn't exactly gone the way the Padres foresaw it. In fact, it pretty much went the opposite direction when their star of the future was found to be an insufferable douche who let fame go to his head. This story appears to be the straw that broke the camels back, when in February 2008, the Padres released Bush after he got hammered at a high school lacrosse party (totes!) and started a fight.

The Padres designated Bush for assignment yesterday, just as El Cajon police were looking into allegations he was involved in a drunken assault Wednesday involving boys lacrosse players on the Granite Hills High campus.

It marks the third time since the Padres selected him No. 1 overall in the 2004 amateur draft that the former Mission Bay High standout has faced accusations stemming from an altercation.

El Cajon police Lt. Steve Shakowski yesterday confirmed an investigation involving Bush and allegations of assaultive behavior and public intoxication. A witness, who requested his name not be used because of the ongoing police investigation, said Bush was drunk, threw a golf club into the dirt, picked up and threw a freshman lacrosse player and hit another one. Bush also yelled “I'm Matt (expletive) Bush,” and “(expletive) East County,” before driving over a curb in his Mercedes when leaving the campus, according to the witness.

Bush, attempting to resurrect his already failed career then signed with the Blue Jays, because if nothing else, he's gotta be better than David Eckstein! Right? WRONG! You see, the Jays released Bush in April of this year, causing many to wonder if this was the end of the line for the once-glorified infielder.

Bush didn't take the idea of being out of the spotlight well, apparently, because he was willing to do anything to get back onto the news. And boy did he ever.

Obligatory: "Stay classy San Diego."

In Case You Missed It: Interminable HR Derby

2009-07-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

Here's what you may have missed from last night's action while letting it all hang out.

Prince Fielder is your 2009 Home Run Derby Champion.

That took forever and was slathered in weak sauce.

My brain is still bleeding.

What to Watch: July 13th

2009-07-13T16:15:00.000-04:00

ZOMG! There's no actual baseball games on tonight! But there is the Home Run Derby! So here's a few steps that you can follow to ensure you have a happy, healthy Monday evening.

- Watch the Home Run Derby

- Head on over to Walkoff Walk for a liveblog of the Home Run Derby to supplement your viewing. The shindig starts at 8:00PM. Yours truly will be among those in attendance and you should be too!

So come watch a loaded NL roster take apart a hodgepodge of AL talent that had nothing better to do.

How did I miss this?

2009-07-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

Was this really "common" knowledge? I feel like sort of a failure for not knowing that such an epic example of baseball hilarity existed without my knowledge. So apparently, Rob Dibble had to get a tattoo on his ass because he doubted the all-encompassing greatness that is Ichiro Suzuki when the outfielder initially made the jump from Japan to the US. As part of the bet, Dibble had to get a tattoo of Ichiro's initials. That in itself is funny but apparently there are more details to this story that are just now emerging. Scarier details.

Anyway, take it away, Steinberg:

Bob Carpenter: There was a hitting streak that ended on June 3rd in the American League. And it is the kind of hitter that you would expect to have a long hitting streak.

Rob Dibble: Ichiro!

Carpenter: Cha-ching! Tell him what he won, Johnny.

Dibble: [Draws in breath] I'll show you sometime what you win when you lose a bet. [Laughs]

Carpenter: [Quietly] Or not.

Dibble: OK, you carry Ichiro's initials around on your butt the rest of your life.

Carpenter: Wow.

Dibble: You never heard that bet that I lost?

Carpenter: No!

Dibble: Yeah, when he first came over here I was poppin' off on another radio show about 'Oh, he's not gonna be good, blah blah blah, our pitchers are gonna be better than him.' And he went out and got 242 hits, hit .350, won the batting crown, was Rookie of the Year. So, I lost the bet and now I have Ichiro's name and number tattooed on my butt in Japanese. And I had to run around Times Square in a g-string.

Carpenter: Oh, please.

[Baseball occurs.]

Dibble: Now, to finish that story, though. It was after 9/11...

Carpenter: You're gonna finish that story?

Dibble: After 9/11, and I met with the police commissioners on the bet. And because they wanted some levity, they wanted me to honor that bet, because I was on radio in New York at the time, and they were very happy to have me run around Times Square in December with nothing but a g-string.

Carpenter: Oh, my. I'm so glad we took a warm weather vacation that year.

Dibble: [Laughs] That's great.

Carpenter: [Chuckles] Daddy, who's that? That's my future partner, dear.

Dibble: All I remember about that though, running around Times Square, was the two Japanese film crews, one from Fuji TV, one from HKTV or whatever over there, one guy fell down running backwards trying to film the whole thing. And at the All-Star Game that year Ichiro said, 'I will be proud to win that bet' in Japanese to me. So, I was like 'Oh, no.'

Hrm, perhaps this is the type of thing that really should have stayed on the down low. Maybe it's better that I missed it.

Who knows how many countless lives were scarred by the site of this (picture of the tattoo, on his ass, use your best judgment) pale behemoth scampering around the city.

Rob Dibble, you have no shame.

In Case You Missed It: Captain Underpants

2009-07-13T08:00:00.001-04:00

Here's what you may have missed from yesterday's action while helping to demonstrate the fact that everything is relative.

- Carlos Zambrano pitched a great game. And hit a homer. The Cubs sure are trying to work him hard before that early retirement.

- Justin Verlander had himself another good game to win his 10th game of the season. Let the return to relevance continue!

- Toronto's newest rookie pitcher (name too complicated to spell out) lost to the Orioles 4-2.

- Josh Beckett and the Red Sox shut out the Royals 6-0.

- Bad sweep! BAD SWEEP!

- The Astros proved they're not a horrible team after all. Oh wait, they just beat the Nationals. Never mind then

- Josh Johnson continues his stellar season, Marlins roll 8-1.

- Clayton Kershaw and the Dodgers downed Milwaukee, 7-4, with the help of two Orlando Hudson homers.

And there were some other games on too.

Tuned Up: "In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before long long long ago"

2009-07-13T07:30:00.000-04:00

Here's your offseason musical kickoff to the work week. If nothing else this allows for me to impose my superior musical tastes on the masses. Now you may be asking, "What does this have to do with baseball?" To which I answer, "Fuck all." But you'll be hearing some good tunes regardless. Suggestions for next week's Tuned Up can be sent here. Or leave 'em in the comments.

This week it's Miike Snow with "Animal."

Weekend Video Bonus: "Would you please turn the television set on?"

2009-07-11T08:00:00.002-04:00

To distract you from boredom, on the weekend morning before the games start, consider the following moment of cinematic genius.

This week we have vintage Jack Nicholson from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

What to Watch: July 10

2009-07-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

Here's what you should be watching tonight while realizing that vanity license plates are still R3ally L4me.

- Blue Jays at Orioles; 7:05PM
At last, an AL East team that the Jays might be able to conquer. Brett Cecil looks to return to his old form.

- Indians at Tigers; 7:05PM
Cliff Lee and Edwin Jackson square off in this Central battle.

- Royals at Red Sox; 7:10PM
Lester and Bannister are opposing each other as the Red Sox look to keep their distance from the oncoming Yankees.

- Nationals at Astros; 8:05PM
Roy Oswalt doesn't really stink anymore. That Nationals should pose little threat to reverse this trend.

- White Sox at Twins; 8:10PM
The Twins are probably relieved to no longer be playing the Yankees.

- Braves at Rockies; 9:10PM
Should be All-Star Ubaldo Jimenez takes the hill in this one.

- Yankees at Angels; 10:05PM
I absolutely loathe West Coast games. Almost as much as I despise blog namesakes who make my infatuations seem foolish.

- Rangers at Mariners; 10:10PM
Brandon Morrow time!

And there are a few other games on.

Viral

2009-07-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

Yes that's also how someone could describe the Mets. Zing.

But regardless this video was making the rounds on the Internet yesterday. Is it a cool play? Yes. Does it undo all of the Mets failures in the field? Absolutely not.

Enjoy!

In Case You Missed It: Embracing Thursday Too Hard

2009-07-10T08:00:00.000-04:00

It's going to be a light day around these parts on my behalf. Sorry for the lack of content but Thursday was the kind of day you yearn to forget.

To see scores from last night go here.

Otherwise, enjoy Neil Young, Tom Petty, George Harrison and like every awesome artist ever singing "My Back Pages" at Bobfest.

What to Watch: July 9

2009-07-09T16:15:00.001-04:00

Here's what you should be watching tonight while ruling out a burial at sea because plastic will float forever.

- Reds at Phillies; 7:05PM
You just can't slow down Jamie Moyer. He's already reached the lowest speed known to man.

- Royals at Red Sox; 7:10PM
The Red Sox have a lot of wins. The Royals most decidedly do not. Just the right ingredients for the recipe titled "Boring Baseball Game."

- Dodgers at Mets; 7:10PM
Randy Wolf and Livan Hernandez highlight the battle of retreads in the Big Apple.

- Nationals at Astros; 8:05PM
Could John Lannan actually provide Nationals fans with another reason to watch games? I don't think the world is ready for this, but the dude is kind of good.

- Braves at Rockies; 8:40PM
Speaking of good young pitchers, Pablo Sandoval's main opponent for Rookie of the Year honors in the NL, Tommy Hanson, puts his considerable talent to the test of high altitudes and gay purple jerseys.

- Marlins at Diamondbacks; 9:40PM
ZOMG! Yusmeiro Petit totally used to be on both of these teams! Storylines!

- Rangers at Mariners; 10:10PM
Felix Hernandez is on the hill as the Mariners are still somehow hanging around in the AL West.

- Padres at Giants; 10:15
Mancrush, ahoy!

Kevin Millar has opinions

2009-07-09T10:30:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be honest, I haven't yet been to a game at the New Stadium. Work commitments and the fact that I don't have $781943 extra dollars around to afford good seats at a non-peak game have kept me from making the pilgrimage. Don't worry, I'll get there eventually. Until then, I'll rely on Blue Jays infielder/ known nemesis of the Yankees, Kevin Millar, to tell me what he thinks of the new digs.

This went down on Sirius Radio's many, many excellent baseball-centric shows:

Kevin Millar: “I’m going to be honest with you. You know I’m going to shoot from the hip. I’m not a big fan of it. Nothing pops there, nothing pops. The old stadium, you walked in, you knew this was where [Mickey] Mantle played and [Joe] DiMaggio. It was just that old school. I got booed a lot louder. They didn’t boo me as loud here. I like to get booed. They were too nice to me here. They’re too nice to me. I don’t know if it’s all corporate, but they’re too nice. But it’s just like a big, huge – it’s a beautiful facility, don’t get me wrong – but the navy blue seats, a lot of concrete and nothing pops. I mean, nothing pops there, personally. Now, it was our first trip in and I don’t know if I was expecting more, but that’s the truth and it’s just I loved the old stadium.”

Host, Seth Everett: “Is it impossible to ever live up to that old stadium?”

Millar: “It’s not impossible, but yes, all the comeback wins and all the memories there, of course, it’s going to take time. And this is year no. 1 and there’s some tinkers. Like for one, you know, it’s a beautiful scoreboard but they have the radar gun readings at the very top of the scoreboard with the pitch count. Fans want to know how hard the pitcher’s throwing, for instance. You come to the game, you want to see, ‘Yeah, Brandon League’s on the mound, he’s throwing 90-what?’ You don’t want to have to look around the stadium to find it, and this is at the very top, a very little scene up there with your miles per hour where most stadiums have them above the dugouts on the second tier of the second deck so you can kind of see it easier. You know, it was hard to read what the guy’s hitting for the batting average. It was tough to find certain things. And for a stadium that’s got $1.5 billion in it, you would think it had been just some easier scenes, and I’m just using those as examples and those might be nit-picking. But for the monuments: I wish they would’ve pulled the monuments up so you could see the monuments. I mean, they’re behind center field and it’s kind of blocked off with the hitter’s eye so you don’t even see them. At least in the old stadium, left center, you kind of saw them a little bit, glimpsed through over there from the bullpen area, and when you’d hit a home run to left center they’d bounce in the monuments. So there’s some things that, in my opinion, nothing’s really popping out. But it’s a gorgeous scene, I guess, for the fans inside - the food, the televisions, all the marble and stuff. But from what we see as a player, you walk in the lobby and it was straight concrete. We walk in the locker room, beautiful locker rooms, but it was just, it was OK, personally.”

As much as I might dislike Mr. Cowboy Up, he's actually hitting on ideas that have been stated before on other websites dedicated to the subject. The fact that Millar is picking up on these things as a player who is only there a few times a year makes you wonder if the Yankees have any changes envisioned for their behemoth investment. Especially the part about the lack of fan intensity. That part has to be due to the fact that the team is still having trouble moving tickets to a more than willing fanbase.

(Thanks to reader Andrew for the transcript of the conversation)

Alfredo Aceves is a f*cking boss

2009-07-09T09:00:00.001-04:00

And if you try to tell me otherwise, I will be too busy pointing to this story to hear your inane drivel. Anyways, a short time after he turned in a fairly clutch and lengthy relief performance against the Blue Jays (when Joba Chamberlain decided to see how far he could fit his head up his own ass and still deliver the ball), Aceves further showed he has the mental durability and and ingenuity to truly succeed in New York. The evidence? Oh let's just say he's got a set of brass balls:

Alfredo Aceves visited the trainer's room to get iced, then hit the exercise room for a workout, which is why he was running late on Tuesday. So, with his team already out on the field for stretch, Aceves turned to the fastest method of transportation available to get him onto the field: a pink bicycle.

Aceves found the bike, complete with a wicker basket and blue and gold streamers, near the Yankees clubhouse. I'm still not sure why it was there to begin with. But it was. Apparently, Swisher took a spin on the thing earlier in the day. So, with the clock ticking, the quick-thinking Aceves reached for his answer.

"I was just trying to get to the field faster," the 6-foot-3, 220-pound Aceves said of his sweet ride.

Well, I suppose that's the type of story that will totally change your opinion of a guy...

In Case You Missed It: Issues

2009-07-09T08:00:00.000-04:00

The Internet is being pretty spotty in my house right now. Must be all the asbestos in my mom's basement.

Anyway, In Case You Missed It will not be running today. To see the scores, go here.

Otherwise, consider Black Rebel Motorcycle Club with "All You Do Is Talk."

What to Watch: July 8

2009-07-08T16:15:00.000-04:00

Here's what you should be watching tonight while questioning the concept of repeatability.

- Royals at Tigers; 7:05PM
Hey, Zack Greinke is pitching. I guess Royals fans are going to pay attention for their usual fifth day.

- Blue Jays at Rays; 7:08PM
Just what the Jays wanted! Another series against an AL East opponent! Because they play them so well, you see.

- Yankees at Twins; 8:05PM
Let's see if AJ Burnett can keep trending upwards. But don't try too hard, brittle man. You might hurt yourself.

- Indians at White Sox; 8:11PM
Shake that Laffey Taffy.

And there's a few other games on but it's a pretty slow baseball night. Great.

Hump de Bump: Brett Tomko won't live this one down

2009-07-08T12:15:00.000-04:00

Wednesday's suck. The taint of the work week or school week can drag on forever... but the weekend looms with promises of sweets. To help get you through this day of days, we present you with links (the "Bumps") to other sites that put up awesome content from the past few days. Hopefully this reading provides momentary respite.

Via Zoner Sports: 5 NL Pitchers Who Should Be All-Stars

Via The Fightins: The new Brad Lidge scares me

Via Style Points: This is what Albert Pujols is really like, I'm sure

Via Deadspin: Brett Tomko Uses Painting To Ease The Pain Of Being Brett Tomko

And it's called "Hump Day" for a reason, so without further ado, your humptastic female of the week.

This week it's model Carrie LaChance.

That's a chance I'll have to take. Zing.

See, statistics aren't all bad!

2009-07-08T09:00:00.000-04:00

At least that's what the Dodgers are apparently finding out as one of their lead trainers is developing algorithms and stuff that is making baseball writers the world over tremble in fear. But, apparently, its working? Take it away, New York Times:

"There are a lot of theories around about why it has gone up, and a lot of them make sense, but I am not convinced that it’s one thing," said Stan Conte, the director of medical services and the head athletic trainer for the Los Angeles Dodgers. "Anyone who thinks they have the one answer is lying or wrong." ... Baseball, which has compiled the yearly injury totals, has not done so this season. But Conte, the Dodgers trainer who is leading an effort to build mathematical formulas to predict injuries, said that based on his data, the numbers are down slightly from last season. They have not, he said, returned to the levels of 2002 to 2006.

Wow, could you imagine if this was actually completed and there was a set way to predict player injuries?

Joe Morgan is already nervously twitching somewhere, I'm sure.

But more importantly, what would this formula spit out for someone like Carl Pavano? Clearly it would have to be a rigorously tested formula to stand up to such a brutal challenge.

In Case You Missed It: Slumdogging it.

2009-07-08T08:00:00.001-04:00

Here's what you may have missed from last night's action while enjoying the upgrade.

- The Reds had a nice bounceback game. It's hard not to consider anything a bounceback game after that debacle.

- Justin Verlander locked down his ninth win of the season.

- Umm, when can you officially classify the Mets as "sellers" at this deadline?

- Ryan Zimmerman continues to play in a vacuum.

- Colby Rasmus and Ryan Ludwick both homered. Albert Pujols supports this type of behavior.

- Josh Beckett and the Red Sox marched to a 5-2 victory over the Athletics.

- The Rays walked off with a win in the eleventh against the Blue Jays. That probably sits well north of the border.

And there were a couple of other games on.

What to Watch: July 7

2009-07-07T16:15:00.002-04:00

Here's what you should be watching tonight while wondering if that mug shot would look good for publicity.

- Royals at Tigers; 7:05PM
Justin Verlander is on the hill with his extremely high strikeout total only likely to increase against a meager Royals lineup. But Ryan Freel makes them so much better!

- Dodgers at Mets; 7:10PM
Clayton Kershaw is continuing to climb even further up the mountain to super-stardom. Mike Pelfrey is... well he's just hanging out.

- Cardinals at Brewers; 8:05PM
Gallardo going against Adam Wainwright has got me all hot and bothered.

- Yankees at Twins; 8:10PM
Finally, baseball at night for the team from the Bronx. It seems like just yesterday that Sabathia was getting knocked around by the Mariners. He gets a shot at redemption in this one as Joe Mauer looks to set to the record for number of women impregnated during a baseball game.

- Orioles at Mariners; 10:10PM
Erik Bedard! Injuries! Nobody cares!

- Marlins at Giants; 10:15PM
If this game is as interesting as the first, there could be a reason to stay up late. Josh Johnson is the Matt Cain of the NL East.

Crocodile Tears

2009-07-07T09:00:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone, guess what? It's time for the allegory game! Why? Because it's a lot easier for me to convey the point I'm trying to get across, and also because I'm too fucking lazy and/or retarded to formulate a well-crafted post. So deal, or fuck off, either one is fine.

So let's pretend for a moment that you went to college to study architecture. Immediately after graduating top of your class, you were hired by a storied architectural firm. Within 6 months, you take the architectural world by storm after completing a succession of difficult and equally impressive projects. Your boss's confidence soars, and he begins to entrusting more and more projects with you. Within a couple of years, you're the face of the firm. But aside from your considerate success, your firm continually falls short for the biggest contracts. This wears on you. Pretty soon, you're sick of answering for everyone. Then you tear your ACL in a charity basketball tournament to raise money for autism. When you return, you're not the same. Pretty soon, you find yourself and your firm entrenched in a bid for the biggest contract in the state's history. In the heat of it all, your firm fingers you as the reason for their poor performance, and cans you. Your firm wins the contract. You fade into anonymity. Five years later, you're set to play your old firm in a charity softball game. Now, let me ask you this: do you go in there and give your boss a nice firm hug and a hearty smile?

Well, if you actually able to decipher that muddled, awful pile of shit above, I assume you came to the conclusion that I'm talking about Nomar Garciaparra's return to Fenway. Well Brav-fucking-o, Mr. Smarty McSmartpants - I am. In fact, since this is the first time Nomar returned to Fenway since being traded way back in 2004, I think it's the perfect time for me to discuss how I feel about the situation.

If I was Nomar (or the poor bastard from the architectural firm) I would act like a complete dick. And we all know it wouldn't be hard for him to pull off; he's known around the baseball world as a Grade-A douche. There's no way I would embrace a fanbase that turned on me like an ashamed Christian family on their outed gay son - no shot. I would walk down Yawkey Way rocking a 'Boston Sucks' shirt and telling everyone who stopped to listen that I'm glad I left the shit-hole of a city. Oh, you have two World Series rings? Fuck off. I lived in Hollywood - do you know how many self-esteem-depraved starlets I've nailed?

Yes, some may call this a childish approach, but then again, who said acting mature is the correct way to handle this? Just once I'd like to see a player who was booted out of town - regardless of his "poor" attitude and inability to handle the press and children with diseases - come back and tell his old adoring fans to go fuck themselves. Only then will I believe the human race isn't doomed to become PC drugged zombies. Until that happens, you can continue the fake blubbering, but let it be known that you're not fooling anyone.