The Angle of Post and Bar

Euro 2008 in Cliche - Part Two

2008-06-12T15:44:00.005Z

Germany 2 Poland 0

When it comes to clichés in international football, there is perhaps no more fertile ground than The Germans.

Each tournament begins with assertion that ‘this is the worst German team ever’, who are then promptly installed as favourites amidst dire warnings that you ‘write them off at your peril’.

Poland, for their part, steadfastly stick to their allotted role in life of qualifying with consummate ease for the finals before turning into the tournament's whipping boys.

Austria 0 Croatia 1

A tough one for our pundits, as Austria are probably the most non-descript footballing nation Europe could produce. As for Croatia – people who hadn’t picked Spain as their dark horse will no doubt have settled for them. Any subsequent win for Croatia against any other major nation (say, perhaps, a 2-1 win against The Germans last night) will be hailed as an upset and an announcement that Croatia have arrived on the world stage. Now, even allowing for the political upheaval in that region in recent times, it's safe to say that Croatian football has enough of a pedigree to avoid such patronising bullshit.

Portugal 2 Turkey 0

Portugal seem fine with having a foreigner as their manager from a former colony. Quite what the reaction of the Daily Mail's Jeff Powell would be if the FA appointed Bruce Arena as England manager, despite his brilliant name, God only knows. Since the lazily-titled Golden Generation have all hung up their boots, Portugal have actually become quite good at tournaments.

Turkey have the benefit of their 2002 world cup performance to make them tricky customers, all despite having Tuncay as their main striker.

Switzerland 0 Czech Republic 1

After the mindnumbing banality of the opening ceremony, the actual tournament kicked off with the Swiss. If only they had drawn, it would have finished this round-up quite nicely. It wasn’t to be, however, as the Czechs always fancied scraping a win - which begged the question of when Czechoslovakia was one nation, did all the good players still come from the Czech side?

Coxie.

Euro 2008 in Cliche - Part One

2008-06-12T10:26:00.005Z

Torrential rain is never a good omen and so it proved last night for Switzerland. One of the most memorable performances in the wet was provided by a team with a Kanu in their side as the (alleged) 23-year-old danced around Chelsea's Ed de Goey and slammed in a hat-trick winner for Arsenal back in 1999.

Sadly for those commentators and pundits with a nice line in earnestness, there are no African players to, at best, patronise and, at worst, racially abuse at the European Championships. Fortunately, Europe is diverse enough, with enough feudal lines to keep a Euro 2008 pundit in lazy national stereotypes for an entire month.

The first round of group matches largely failed to give our pundits the performance or results to match their predictions – which were either based on stereotype, number of Premiership-based players or how they performed when they were last seen two years ago in the World Cup.

The Angle... looks at the first group matches to see the laziness in action.

Greece 0 Sweden 2

The animosity towards Greece’s victory four years ago still hasn’t abated. Packed full of players with ‘heh-heh - rather you than me, John' surnames who remain resolutely unrecognisable and the lack of a significant Hellenic influx to the Premiership has led to a subconscious resentment of the Greeks for exposing all pundits' lack of knowledge. Despite a platoon of Greek journalists at the tournament, not one of BBC or ITV's ‘experts’ have the foggiest idea of who they are.

In contrast, the ease at which Swedes "adapt to the pace of the Premier League" means they are firm media favourites, with Jim Beglin stating "I know we’re impartial but I want Sweden to win", suggesting the bitterness still remains and revealing a tenuous grasp of the meaning of "impartial".

Spain 4 Russia 1

As Russia qualified in place of dear old England, there is a belief that they must be some sort of superteam of footballing magicians with a real chance of winning Euro 2008. All that their game with Spain highlighted was quite how rubbish England had performed in qualifying.

Spain - or to give them their full name Perennial Underachievers Spain - have taken their normal place as dark horses despite being second favourites with the bookies. Another indicator of England’s real standing in international football was the raising of eyebrows when Fabregas was named as a substitute - a player that, even if unable to merrily walk into the England team, would certainly be shoehorned in at left wing. The Spanish have slightly different ideas and simply played their best pairing in central midfield despite neither them playing in the Premier League.

Holland 3 Italy 0

The Dutch have a lot to answer for. Their tuneful band of trumpeters dressed in orange, who give a nice dimension to international tournament atmosphere, has spawned the self-appointed England Band who witlessly drone their way through a repertoire of England 'til I Die, The Great Escape and back to England 'til I Die.

They made up for it, despite the curious colour of their socks, with an impressive display against Italy, leaving pundits to wonder whether it will all fall apart after the customary training-ground bust-up.

Italy have given the pundits a massive headache. Now they appear unable to defend, it has robbed pundits of good few minutes of waffle about what only Bolo Zenden was able to pronounce: catenaccio. But it's OK, anyway - Italy are notorious slow starters.

France 0 Romania 0

Again, eyebrows were raised as a former Premier League player (who has been injured for two years) was left on the bench – in place of a younger, fitter forward who scored more goals last season. Fortunately, Benzema has been on the radar due to Man United’s interest, so our pundits had at least heard of him.

The Romanians, much like the Greeks, are hated because of their similarly-sounding and hugely unpronounceable names. They are still considered a tough proposition though, mainly on the back of a goal that Gheorge Hagi scored 14 years ago.

Coxie.

Clive Tediousley.

2008-04-08T13:52:00.007Z

"...to your commentators Jim Beglin and, first, Clive Tyldesley."

Urgh.

As the Scousers hold aloft their scarves and bellow their anthem, Tyldesley shall begin his own verbal assault on the nation's ears tonight. Within moments of the handover from Steve Rider, Tyldesley will have declared it to be "another special European night at Anfield".

As the camera pans across the Kop, Clive will remind us that "they live* for nights like this...and they've had a few."

Because that is Clive's bag. Overblown, romance-soaked eulogies...followed inevitably by nauseating asides.

Imagine Liverpool manage to storm into an early lead:

"Arsenal need two goals at Anfield. I wonder if that's ever happened before...?"

Classic Clive, at his face-punchingly smug worst. Not a live and exclusive match goes by on ITV without Tyldesley testing the public's collective patience with one of his ghastly rhetorical questions.

Others include recalling the early exploits of now-established players. A typically greasy example would be

"...a goal from a certain Wayne Rooney. I wonder what happened to him?"

If Arsenal do find themselves desperately chasing a goal, it increases the chances of Jamie Carragher moving within range of Clive's radar:

"...and it's Jamie Carragher again for Liverpool. He's been everywhere tonight."

I would advise all Arsenal and Liverpool supporters to mute your TVs and put on the radios. But you might get Alan Green. Or even Talksport.
Adam.
*Note - all words in bold signify Clive's trademark squirted emphasis.

Ha'way the Fools

2008-02-05T16:03:00.000Z

Each season, The Angle likes to identify a Comedy Caretaker, very much in the Les Reed mould. A guy surely doomed to fail due to his ineptitude yet will carry on doggedly, hoping that a determined look and the right image will save him from the axe. This year, the obvious choice is Ray Lewington - after he took over from Lawrie Sanchez at Fulham, he was in line for the Comedy Caretaker award with his earnest protestations that he had indeed thrown his hat into the ring - a hat that was swiftly volleyed out of the ring by Mohammed Al-Fayed before it even had a chance to land. Al-Fayed’s action allowed Lewington to get back to what he should have been doing all along - namely worrying about whether “the new man” would bring “his own people in”. As a result, Lewington just misses out on the award.

So, The Angle looks elsewhere and, with comedy on the agenda, there seems to be only one suitable place to look – Newcastle United Football Club.

All teams have myths and clichés attached to them – The samba flair of Brazil, the technically superior Dutch and, of course, the unwritableoffness of the Germans. All good examples of international team clichés but no domestic team can compete with those attached to Newcastle United.

Now, we know that expectations are always high at St James' Park, because Sky have told us over and over again. This from a team which had spent much of the 1980s in the second division and haven’t won the league since 1927.

Except expectations are not high. Quite reasonably, Geordies' expectations of winning the league were at their highest when they were 12 points clear at the top of the table and, since then, have been restricted to not getting relegated and maybe qualifying for Europe.

We all know that they wanted Alan Shearer as manager, although we suspect this is true in the same way that Man United fans wanted Roy Keane and Arsenal fans wanted Tony Adams - i.e. after they’ve shown they’re actually any good at it by practising on someone else’s club first.

We all know that they love their football up there. The RNLI have a signal, maybe a flare, which alerts them to danger and tells them to drop everything and make their way to the boathouse for imminent launch into the stormy seas. The Angle suspects that there is a similar system in the city of Newcastle. Every time a piece of breaking news emanates from St James’ Park, a signal is made and, by the time Sky Sports News gets there, they have no need to corral some passer-by who doesn’t know what’s going on into an interview because there are already thousands of them at the steps.

They are there for sales of players – think back to dear old Keegan trying to justify selling his best centre-forward to future title rivals Manchester United in exchange for Keith Gillespie - and for the purchase of players, as when they signed Michael Owen during the day, when the rest of us were at work and 18,000 Geordies turned up to see a bemused footballer holding a football shirt.

And we also know that Keegan is a bit of wimp when it comes to the going getting tough, having walked out on every job he’s ever had, grazed his knee coming off his bike on Superstars and getting a good hiding whilst sleeping in his car in a lay-by. So what makes Keegan more likely to be this season’s Comedy Caretaker? The appointment of a director of football, that’s what. Second only to the dreaded vote of confidence as a prelude to a swift departure, the appointment of a director of football, someone who sits upstairs, is one of the aspects of the game imported from abroad - because, apparently, it works at Real Madrid (although whether Fabio Capello or Vicente Del Bosque would agree is another matter) and therefore can’t possibly fail in England. All this despite the two most successful clubs being dictatorships, from Ferguson’s Stalin to Wenger’s Mao, while even Jose Mourinho succumbed to the undermining presence of the director of football.

Kevin Keegan may assure us that he's “the man in charge” and that his “decision is final” but the reality is the next manager of Newcastle will not be Alan Shearer, but Dennis Wise.

Coxie.

The Eleventh Hour.

2008-02-01T10:08:00.000Z

Yesterday saw the the transfer window slam shut and with it a cluster of clichés get trotted out. Players all over the country failed to do their ties up properly and practised their best “I didn’t want to leave XYZ but as soon as I heard ABC were in for me, it was an easy decision” rubbish. The loan system was put to good use, with a number of teams sending out their 17-year-olds for valuable first team experience to prepare them for the next twenty years of really needing first team football at this stage of their careers.

Sky Sports News get terribly excited on days such as this, with actual things happening that they can report on rather than endlessly looping mildly controversial incidents from four days ago. However, it was still not quite enough to prevent them from stating on their news ticker:

BREAKING NEWS: HARRY REDKNAPP THINKS JERMAIN DEFOE WILL BE A GOOD SIGNING

Well, fancy that - a manager trying to sign a player he thinks will do well. Although, this being Harry Redknapp, [this part of the sentence has been censored to ensure that Mr. Redknapp will still talk to us rather than have Tony Adams taking four hours to finish an interview].

Portsmouth signing Jermaine Defoe produced one of the finest examples of how ingrained the cliché has become in the discourse of modern football, giving rise to the first of an occasional series entitled Nonsensical Cliché of the Week.

“It’s a great opportunity to play football…”

Good start to the sentence there, a slight variation on the “at this stage of my career” theme.

“…I just want to play for Portsmouth and score as many goals as I can this season…”

Second point well made, you would think. Fans of Portsmouth must be pleased that their new £7 million striker plans to score as many goals as he can, because that, after all, is what he is there for.

However, as we are about to see, something goes off in Defoe’s mind - a flicker of recognition of a lesson he had in “Media Training” at Charlton Athletic's academy, possibly called “Lies to Tell Towards The End of Interviews“

"…but what’s important is the three points.”

This obvious lie, developed at the Shearer Institute for Inane Comments, was designed to perpetuate the myth that strikers aren’t selfish and don’t really care about scoring.

So deeply ingrained is this in the minds of footballer that they trot it out even when, as in Defoe's case, there aren’t even any specific three points at stake – unless of course their new signing expects Portsmouth to gain a mere 3 more points between now and May.

Now that would be interesting.

Coxie.

A Cluster of Clichés

2008-01-29T14:45:00.000Z

The animal world enjoys an innumerable complement of collective nouns, ranging from the wonderfully alliterative to the impenetrably obscure. You may not be surprised to learn that football has quite a few of its own.

For reasons of sensationalism, laziness, inaccuracy or diversity, football coverage has demanded that a selection of collective nouns be made available, to be drawn from whenever appropriate. The list covers all aspects of the game, and leaves us in no doubt (despite the lack of cold, hard numbers) of the plurality of the objects or subjects in question:

Raft of substitutions - The sole domain of meaningless international friendlies, where the second half becomes fragmented by the experimentation of both managers, seeking to give debuts to one-cap wonders. Games are also seen to lose their shape and tempo.

Host of opportunities - Hosts tend to be fairly negative-sounding collections, consisting of missed opportunities or absentees from the first team.

String of chances - Chances can come in strings, as can a goalkeeper's saves or a player's impressive performances. Deviating slightly from the grammatical theme, teams will also aim to string some wins together.

Brace - A pair of goals, although simply the word "brace" is sufficient, as nothing else football-related arrives in the form of a brace. Braces are often quickfire in nature, and often leave the scorer vulnerable to be substituted before he can complete his hat-trick.

Flurry of yellow cards - Card-happy referees can sometimes end a barren first half-hour or so by unleashing a flurry of yellow cards in quick succession. They will often seek to justify this sudden outburst of disciplinarianism by pointing out various areas of the pitch to bemused perpetrators of persistent fouling.

Hatful of chances - A more flagrant exaggeration, used to ridicule the overpriced striker that has missed these chances, some of which may have been gilt-edged. One of the more imprecise units of measurement in football, as there seems to be no official confirmation regarding the volume of an average hat.

Run of victories - Similar to a string of wins, but tends to be more smoothly and less desperately achieved. High-flying sides aim to embark on an amazing run of victories as they march towards the title.

Array of talent - Most commonly found at major tournaments, but can also arrive on a club's youthful conveyor belt.

Mass of bodies - Generally found at the centre of an almighty penalty-area scramble, a mass of bodies can be the reason for a statuesque goalkeeper being unsighted, as a strike from all of 30 yards flies past him.

Embarrassment of riches - To further emphasise the options a manager has at his disposal, the cumulative international caps and transfer fees of his substitutes are often stated to illustrate his embarrassment of riches. The Big Four, for example, are not averse to turning to the millions of pounds' worth of talent sitting on the bench to spare their blushes in a Carling Cup tie.

Galaxy of stars - A rather naff alternative to the rather more understated array of talent, a galaxy of stars is often presented in contrast to the part-time bunch of journeymen they may be facing in a fairytale FA Cup tie.

Glut of goals - A goal glut can occur in a specific competition, particularly a weekend of league fixtures in a certain division. We will be told how many goals flew in in the dozen or so matches, leaving us to do the maths ourselves to decide if that is actually impressive or not.

Catalogue of errors - The media are always on hand to collate previous errors by an individual, if they sense that a catalogue of errors is emerging. Alternatively, unfortunate players may wish to browse a catalogue of injuries.

Series of high-profile gaffes - A more focused and specific offshoot of the catalogue of errors, a series of high-profile gaffes tends to be more easily attributed to goalkeepers, as the likes of Paul Robinson, David James and Fabien Barthez have all found to their cost in recent years. The series of high-profile gaffes becomes so because Sky Sports News insist in endlessly looping footage of its contents. The result for the victim is often the axe.

Swarm of [insert colour here] shirts - Sides that like to get the ball down and play have an equally established dislike of being denied space. The gameplan of their successful opponents may have been to close them down, snap at their heels and ultimately squeeze the game. Commentators will note the swarm of opposition shirts that descend upon a player if he happens to find time on the ball.

Adam.

Mansfield v Middlesbrough: A Case Study of Cliché

2008-01-26T13:20:00.000Z

Some casual, unstructured observations from today's FA Cup game between Mansfield Town and Middlesbrough, live on the BBC. I'll try and avoid addressing the usual Cup clichés, as that would, in turn, be an act of cliché in itself:

2 mins - Martin Keown, today's co-commentator, contends that the "swirling wind" will be a problem for the Midlesbrough defence. Therefore, watch out for a plucky Mansfield defender getting caught out by the swirling wind at some point.

5 mins - BBC coverage of a lower-league side hosting an FA Cup match is not complete without some young scamps (probably on the Beeb playroll for the afternoon) clambering up a tree outside the ground. This will, whatever its position, be described by the tradition-struck commentator as "the best seat in the house".

7 mins - David Wheater, apparently, has impressed this season. Why? The young, English, homegrown local lad has scored FOUR goals this season, making him the club's joint-top scorer. Oh, right. He can't manage to stop his side conceding to drag them away from the dropzone, but he has scored 4 goals. That's what he's in the side for, obviously.

This is typical. No defending can really catch the eye of any pundits, but a couple of goals will always be conspicuous for a defender. Furthermore, as soon as one media outlet describes him as "having an outstanding season", others will blindly follow.

My advice to any young defender would be to go up for a few corners. Get lucky at some set-pieces, and the media will be all over you.

17 mins - In a massive turn-up for the books, Mansfield's bright start has been followed by a straightforward Middlesbrough goal, caused by the Mansfield defence getting caught out by the swirling wind. The opener is "barely deserved", of course, because Mansfield have had a couple of corners at the other end.

25 mins - Robert Huth is booked for clearing the ball and following through on Michael Boulding's midriff. Cue horrified yelps from the commentators, convinced that a red card should have been issued. You wonder, if a Mansfield player had done the same, if the incident would have been dismissed as "clumsy". But no, Huth's foot "cut Michael Boulding in two".

47 mins - The second half begins with another bright start by Mansfield. A couple of corners brings about an "air of belief" at Field Mill.

60 mins - Mansfield embark on a "magnificent spell" of two corners and zero shots on goal.

73 mins - Martin Keown shares a joke with the commentator about the size of the latter's car. The nation can breathe a sigh of relief as it collectively ticks the box marked "Self-Deprecatory Joke between Commentators".

81 mins - Gareth Southgate demonstrates the modern skill common amongst aspirational, young English managers - standing up from the bench and clapping earnestly towards one or more of his players.

84 mins - A Mansfield defender commits an "understandable" foul, to go with the home side's "unfortunate" individual errors and under-hit set-pieces, which have been "a shame".

86 mins - Mansfield score an own-goal. "Cruel".

Adam.

Between the Axe and the Unveiling, Speculation Doth Mount.

2008-01-17T23:19:00.000Z

Until Kevin Keegan's clearly absurd appointment yesterday, Sky Sports News had dedicated itself to Newcastle's continued search for a depressingly and inevitably short-lived replacement for the previous depressingly short-lived incumbent. Managers up and down the country (Harry Redknapp, Mark Hughes, and, erm, Roberto Martinez), an effectively-retired manager who wouldn't be able to handle it (Keegan) and the vastly inexperienced man who seemed to be simultaneously both the ideal and the utterly disastrous choice (Alan Shearer) all faced the monotonous media barrage of speculation and rumour over their respective futures.

The texts and emails into the studio (who bothers to do this? Why?!) were dominated by Newcastle fans clamouring for a dual appointment of Shearer and Keegan, on the basis that they "are Newcastle through and through", and so on. The ongoing myth that Newcastle fans are more passionate than any other set of supporters (they do, apparently, love their football in those parts) and therefore "deserve success" is, of course, preposterous. But not preposterous enough to avoid being repeated mindlessly by the Football Focus and Soccer Saturday regulars.

The rapidly increasing frequency of managerial axeings (combined with the rapidly decreasing levels of patience of club owners) means football fans should be well-versed in the manager's art of facing mounting speculation. The various candidates, earmarked by the media as potential suitors for the veritably toxic chalice that is the St James' Park hotseat, provided the full range of nauseatingly generic responses to growing reports. The Angle... has collated these pathetic, regurgitated attempts to fob off the media and presents the:

Fig 1.0 - The Sky Sports News Speculatrum

The Speculatrum is by no means intended to be used as a indication of the likelihood of any end result from a certain level of speculation, but as simply a guide to the various methods that a manager can employ to deal with the nosey Sky Sports News reporter camped outside the gates of his home or training ground.

The Speculatrum ranges from the most solid rebuttal of media rumours (the upper red region) to the most flimsy wafting away of the mounting reports (yellow/green), before eventually reaching the stage where the candidate in question is reported to be "mulling over" an offer from the desperate club.
Ruled himself out - In theory at least, this is the most unequivocal response to media speculation. Gerard Houllier was among those who effectively ruled themselves out of the running for the Newcastle job.

Poured scorn on speculation - A delightful turn of phrase. The act of scorn-pouring can be performed not only by managers linked to a position, but also the chairmen of the clubs involved. Interestingly, Newcastle poured scorn on reports that Sam Allardyce only had six games to save his job.

Called for an end to speculation - A good indication that the manager in question is getting distinctly sick and tired of the media whispers regarding his future. Recently, Rafael Benitez desperately called for an end to speculation that he was to leave Liverpool. This, as with any other example of this request, will be universally ignored.

Scotched rumours - To scotch, the dictionary says, is to "bring an abrupt end to" something. Useful for nipping in the bud more unlikely rumours like, say, Kevin Keegan coming out of the managerial wilderness to rejoin Newcastle.
Quashed rumours - A similar act to scotching, although this one is apparently borrowed from media coverage of the legal system.

Dismissed reports - A club or organisation may take it upon themselves to further echo a manager's negative reaction to speculation by dismissing reports. The French FA were quick to dismiss reports that Houllier was bound for the St James' Park hotseat.

Rubbished reports - Clearly a more suitably casual rebuttal to more outlandish rumours. Such rumours will also be referred to as "utter nonsense" or "pure fantasy".
Quelled speculation - Reserved for more negative speculation. Clubs may need to quell fears that a player may miss the rest of the season with an injury.

Laughed off rumours - Rumours of audacious or cheeky bids can be easily laughed off in jovial press conferences.

Flattered by speculation - Used either to patronise the interest from a club which the manager would never dream of stopping low enough to join or, conversely, to acknowledge rumours linking them with a club they wouldn't have a cat in hell's chance of being considered by. Swansea's Roberto Martinez fell firmly into the latter camp when he talked of how flattering it was to be linked with the Newcastle job.

Distanced themselves from speculation - It is at this point we begin to move into the murky realms of non-committal. When a manager distances himself from speculation linking him with a move to another club, it means he is simultaneously - and stealthily - issuing a hands-off warning and a come-and-get-me plea to the managerless club.

You may interpret the following quote from Mark Hughes, regarding the recent Newcastle vacancy, as a perfect example of this particularly flexible reaction to speculation:

"I have not spoken to anyone from Newcastle, I spoke to my chairman last night
and he has had no contact, and I don’t think there will be any contact.

Not "commenting on something that has nothing to do with" them - An old classic, which is becoming less and less trusted with every transfer saga or managerial axe. Knowing that they have now sown the seeds, possibly by the facade of distancing themselves from speculation, the manager can now put his innocent face on and refuse to "comment on something that has nothing to do with" him. Mark Hughes tried this trick as well.

Alternatively, managers may attempt to avoid talking directly about the vacancy by mumbling something about not wanting to comment on "hypothetical situations". Yep, Mark Hughes had a crack at this one, too...

Refused to rule himself out - Edging closer to a tacit admission of interest in the job of the moment, a manager will now refuse to rule himself out of the running. This is usually accompanied with one of those eternally infuriating get-out clauses that only football could produce - asserting that, "in football, you never say never". Quite why the likes of Geoff Shreeves cannot manoeuvre their pre- or post-match interview technique around this clumsy attempt at coyness is beyond logic.

Refused to confirm or deny reports - The final pretence. At this point, managers can go rather quiet, leaving Sky Sports News to feed on a five-second video loop of them leaving the training ground and waving at the camera as they speed off. Newspapers rest assured that their scattergun approach is no longer required, so they can stop tapping up not-at-all-imaginary close pals, insiders and club sources.

Fuelled speculation - A manager can fuel speculation simply by entering any retail premises in the surrounding area of a club searching for a new manager, sparking whispers on internet forums that David O'Leary has been spotted in a Middlesbrough branch of Foxtons or that

Sam Allardyce has been seen devouring a sandwich in a motorway service station in the rough vicinity of the Reebok Stadium.

Thrown hat into the ring - It is routinely the task for the interim caretaker manager to take it upon himself to unconvincingly throw his hat into the ring for the vacant spot. Usually thrust into the spotlight temporarily, after bravely stepping out of the shadows of their role as No. 2, the caretaker manager never has any real chance of being offered the job - especially after a couple of capitulations in their few games in charge. These are conveniently forgotten when the new, proper manager takes over.

Finally, the candidate that flirted with the mounting speculation all along is chosen, and they are reported to be mulling over an offer. A brief period of mulling is sufficient before they are unveiled and paraded in front of their expectant new fans. Talk of funds being made available - possibly enough to fill a warchest - ensues, but the supporters should no longer expect him to hit the ground running in his first game in charge. The cruel Gods of football fate cottoned on to this trick a while ago, after Premiership chairmen started firing managers every other week in the hope that the replacements would automatically win their first game in charge. A 1-1 draw is generally considered acceptable nowadays, particularly for a side that can sit back and relax in its new status as a side in transition.

Being in transition is effectively the pure football equivalent of going into administration - you can kiss goodbye to around 10 points straight away, but it gives you a bit of breathing space.

Until, that is, the mutually-consentual axe falls once more.

Adam.

The Foreign Invasion

2008-01-16T09:18:00.000Z

Ignoring the question of whether it is necessary to call invasions “foreign”, yet another thing those wily Continentals have brought to the game thanks to the foreign influx of players to the Premiership was raised after last week's Carling Cup semi-final, first leg between Chelsea and Everton.

It was left to the Daily Mail (who else?) to not only report Phil Neville's words but to do so in a manner that a cliché-inspired blog such as this could only stand back and admire:

Angry Neville Blasts Foreign Imports Over Danger Tackles After Obi Red Card

According to Neville, we could add dangerous tackling to the list of things foreign players "have brought with them”.

"I think he went for the ball. It was probably with his studs showing, but foreigners tend to tackle like that.”

This may be the birth of a cliché - one that will take root due to repetition rather than corroboration with hard fact, such as the crunching, studs-up tackle being one of the aspects of English football that used to be a proud tradition. If this does take hold, it will be added to the list of foreign-inspired innovations in our domestic game, as follows:

Passing - Passing ability and vision in the English game, we are led to believe, was the exclusive domain of Glenn Hoddle until the 1990s, at which point Jamie Redknapp occasionally took time out from getting injured to hit pinpoint passes fully forty yards onto a sixpence. The yardstick for English passing ability has now plateaued with Gerrard and Beckham continually hitting booming or raking crossfield passes (which, if unsuccessful, can also be known as Hollywood balls.)

Close Control - Another gift from our foreign cousins which has arrived on our shores apparently immune to the effects of decimalisation, turning on a sixpence is often beyond Englishmen, who instead opt for the turning circle of an oil tanker.

Not Drinking - Foreign signings to Premiership clubs are required, possibly by EU law, to express their surprise at the drinking culture among their British teammates. As the years progress, aspirational English footballers have taken their lead from the Zolas and the Bergkamps of this world, and managed to stick to the "odd glass of red wine".

Diving - A negative by-product of the foreign influx, which is constantly said to have crept into the English game, along with the equally snidey, cynical and downright un-British art of shirt-pulling.

Spitting - Beyond even deliberately going out to hurt a fellow professional, apparently, spitting is the worst thing a footballer can do.

Good Diet - These mysterious footballing visitors from lands far, far away brought with them strange pre-match recipes which, to the bewilderment of the English contingent, didn't necessarily contain chicken and baked beans.

If we take all of this away from football, what are we left with? A bunch of fat alcoholics standing in a field, looking quizzically at a strange spherical thing whizzing over their heads. Or - to give it another name - Sunday league football.

Coxie.

The Managerial Merry-Go-Round: Winter 2007 Edition

2007-11-09T17:00:00.000Z

As chairmen up and down the country succumb to peer pressure and begin sacking their managers, the Managerial Merry-Go-Round (MMGR) steps up a gear. Far enough into the season for clubs to have had a "disappointing run of results", yet early enough for supremos to "act now, in the best interests of the football club", we are in prime hunting season. Unemployed managers with patchy CVs are placed on red alert as vacancies appear at struggling clubs, while desperate chairmen draw up shortlists to find "the right man" for the second time in six months. Meanwhile, bookmakers close their betting as speculation mounts over possible replacements.

The Angle... presents the third edition of the MMGR:

David O'Leary - Arguably now the new holder of George Graham's former position as chief resident of the MMGR, O'Leary is now sniffing around the Republic of Ireland job. With the requirements of an international manager even more of a mystery than a club boss, O'Leary stands a very good chance.

Stuart Pearce - Currently occupying the most cushty of managerial positions - England Under-21s, where it's all about the performance, not the result and where absolutely nobody cares if they win or not. May well eventually be selected as the right man at a struggling Premier League club who need an injection of fighting spirit, grit and determination.

Paul Jewell - Having taken a break for several months, Jewell is presumably now itching to get back into the game. Now being linked with a return to Wigan, which would contravene an unwritten rule of football - never go back.

Chris Coleman - Fairly likely to be quietly ushered out of the historically revolving door at Real Sociedad when he fails to gain promotion back to La Liga, Coleman will return to these shores with his managerial reputation inexplicably replenished. The pitiful number of British players and managers plying their trade on the Continent means that those who do are immediately assumed to be far more talented than they are, regardless of how utterly average they may have been in the first place.

Steve Cotterill - A classic example of a tough-talking young English manager who has turned out to be a complete no-mark. After not proving himself in the slightest at Stoke City and hilariously failing to keep Sunderland afloat in the Premiership alongside Howard Wilkinson in 2003, Cotterill recently left Burnley by mutual consent. Will hopefully be bringing his brand of overeager touchline finger-pointing to a lower division side in his next role.

Graeme Souness - Having rapidly lost his only managerial quality - pure terror - Souness may have to make do with becoming the new George Graham for football broadcasting purposes, only without the successful managerial career behind him. Will quite simply not succeed in any managerial position he happens to land. Also perhaps O'Leary's main challenger for MMGR longevity in the future.

Martin Jol - The amiable Dutchman will find it very difficult to shake off his reputation as quite a nice bloke who suffered the ruthless axe from his previous club, despite being popular with most football fans. Jol is quite clearly, therefore, the new Claudio Ranieri.

Gary Megson - The Angle... try our best to keep up to date. To help us achieve this, we occasionally take the plunge and bravely assume some things are probably going to happen anyway. This is not one of those occasions, however, as we are actually quite certain of Megson's future demise at Bolton. The MMGR may as well have a seat made with Megson's face depicted on the front, especially for him. Doomed.

Martin Allen - Another young English manager who appears to be allowed to prioritise humorous interview quips over actual managerial prowess (see also Holloway, Ian), Allen undid any supposedly promising work at Brentford and MK Dons by getting himself employed by Leicester City.

Peter Reid - Considered in the last edition to be disappearing from view, Reid seemingly wants to supplement the wages Leeds United are probably still paying him - although the only signs of his potential return are being linked to the Leicester job, reportedly part of an enticing shortlist alongside Graeme Souness and fellow MMGR veteran Joe Royle. Speaking of whom...

Joe Royle - Last seen dusting down his copy of The Idiot's Guide to a Relegation Battle in preparation for his interview with Milan Mandaric at the Walkers Stadium.

Chris Hutchings/Sammy Lee - Those pesky No. 2s just won't give up, will they? Before reverting to their natural role as conemen, these two will get one more bite at the managerial cherry - possibly at a Championship club that is allegedly geared towards Premier League football.

John Gregory - Ah, yes. Not quite ready to untuck those tracksuit bottoms from his socks just yet, Gregory will surely attempt to gain employment at yet another club he visited during his journeyman playing career. In which case, that list now leaves Northampton Town or Brighton to be ticked off/left to pick up the pieces. On the other hand, perhaps Gregory has realised that being a former fans' favourite means bugger all when you try and inflict your managership upon them.

The MMGR rolls on...

Adam.

Qualified Failure

2007-10-18T08:54:00.000Z

As the qualifying campaigns for Euro 2008 come to an end, the media like to keep us updated with the Home Nations' chances of reaching the tournament. Apart from the endless permutations of the final games, a select set of phrases are usually sufficient to leave the fans in no doubt. As always on The Angle..., they tend to fall into a convenient scientific model.

Fig 1.0 - Graph displaying the rather unsurprising correlation between qualification hopes and international managers' futures.

Miss Out
There are no easy games in international football, of course, so any slip-ups can result in a team missing out on a major tournament ("for the first time since....", etc). According to football media, there are only two places a footballer is allowed to be during the summer of a World Cup or European Championships year - either at the tournament, or on a beach somewhere.

All but out Needing your closest qualification rivals to lose 4-0 to San Marino while you must come from 1-0 down at half-time in Ukraine means your country is all but out. Technically correct, admittedly, but why beat about the bush? You're out.

Mathematical chance
Also often used for relegation-threatened sides, the mathematical chance heralds the final nail being fetched for the qualification coffin.

Need a miracle
Miracles can happen, of course - that's football - but needing three goals in the last 10 minutes is a bridge too far.

Hang by a thread
Wales' qualification hopes seem to constantly hang by a thread, even before the groups are drawn. Very similar to the mid-match scenario of being in last-chance saloon, hanging by a thread merely prolongs the agony.

In/Out of their hands
Whether a team's hopes are in or out of their hands is vital. If it is still in their hands, they "know what we have to do." If they depend on results elsewhere, they "have just got to go out there and do our job".

Need a favour
Much, much more likely than a miracle, a favour is required when qualification hopes are out of your hands. Pre-match, the team in question is likely to ignore any talk of doing another team a favour.

Hang in the balance
If a team's qualification hopes hang in the balance, all sorts of permutations can affect them. At this point, managers will look to important international double-headers to make or break their qualification campaign.

All but qualified
Teams that have all but qualified usually just need a draw in their final game, at home to the group's minnows, to rubberstamp their entry. There may be a mathematical possibility of them failing, but that's all it is.

Booked their ticket
Also known as sealing their passage, teams can book their ticket to the host nation(s) by securing qualification, especially with ease or by cruising through.

The Angle... suggest that Steve McClaren's qualification hopes currently hang by a thread, putting his Axe Probability figure at around 78%.

Good.

Adam.

Suits You, Sir

2007-10-04T14:09:00.000Z

If clothes maketh the man, what sayeth the pitchside attire about the manager? The Angle... believes that what a manager wears speaks volumes for the aspirations of the club whose fortunes they are seeking to turn around.

As always, The Angle... is on hand with a guide to pitchside attire:

The Tracksuit Manager

If you peer through the gloom and driving rain to the touchline, to see if there is any activity down on the bench to liven up the drab proceedings, and you see your manager wearing a sweatshirt with his initials emblazoned in the corner, I have some bad news. For, whatever the hopes and aspirations the manager set out at the beginning of the year, your team are just going to fall short.

Presumably, in a bid to be one of the boys and hold on to the past, the tracksuit wearer will try and make up for his lack of ability by becoming animated on the sideline. Sadly, the players they have bought and the tactics they employ won’t quite be good enough to make the next step.

Being a tracksuit manager is also rather thirsty work. More often than not, you will see them pacing over to the perimeter of their technical areas to clasp a Lucozade sports bottle, take an almighty swig, before placing it carefully back.

Models: David Moyes, Martin O'Neill, Martin Jol, Alan Pardew, Stuart Pearce, Iain Dowie.

The Cheap Suit

A manager in a bad suit can only mean one thing - a relegation dogfight. Favoured by natural tracksuit-wearers from the lower divisions who have been promoted to the top flight, the bad suit betrays two revealing emotions. The first is an absolute desperation to be taken seriously, in the belief that a TopMan suit, a big knotted tie and a determined look is all that is missing from his squad that was playing in the lower reaches of the Championship about 18 months previously. The second is that, despite the determined expression, he isn’t quite confident enough to go and buy an expensive number, as he will more than likely be on the dole come March. If he is lucky enough to stay up, he is also lucky that he is not David Pleat and will not be wearing the worst suit ever made as he goes scampering across the pitch to celebrate his Great Escape.

Models: Paul Sturrock, Paul Jewell, Aidy Boothroyd, Billy Davies

The Expensive Suit

The new breed of young British managers are from the Sky-sponsored, 20-grand-a-week, post-1992 era. This means that they have plenty of well-cut, expensive suits ready to wear in yet another vain bid to be taken seriously. Graeme Souness appeared in Boys from The Blackstuff in the trademark Scouse shiny grey suit, with sleeves rolled out. Two years in Genoa, however, and he came back with a knowledge of fine materials, tan shoes and a new, younger wife. Sadly he also signed Ali Dia - and therein lies the rub. They suffer from the belief that dressing like Capello makes you as good as him. It doesn’t.

Models: Gareth Southgate, David Platt, Chris Coleman, Roy Keane, Graeme Souness

Club Blazer, Club Tie

This is the uniform that all supporters should look for when demanding a new manager. These men have experience, quality and silverware to their name. We’re thinking Ferguson, Benitez, Wenger, Graham and erm, Walter Smith. Unfortunately, the rule that governs all football - thou must always do as others have done before thee - mean that this is becoming a disguise for managers whose natural habitat is either the bad suit or the tracksuit. However, The Angle... isn’t fooled, as we know who you are...

Models: Sam Allardyce, Neil Warnock, Mark Hughes, Lawrie McMenemy

Coxie.

Anger Management

2007-09-27T09:30:00.000Z

The pressures of top-flight football, combined with the sensationalist media that cover it, mean that managers' tempers can boil over at any point - and the increasing frequency of outbursts has led to a healthy vernacular in football circles. Be it anger directed towards an official, the establishment, an opponent, or even their own club, managers' vitriolic flurries are reported in the same predictable way as anything else.

The varying degrees of such displays of discontent can be displayed in the Anger Severity Scale (ASS), pictured below.

Fig 1.0 - Anger Severity Scale (ASS) - Click to enlarge

Bemoan - A fairly victimless rant. Managers tend to bemoan their bad luck, be it in front of goal or with 50/50 decisions - although referees are spared direct criticism.

Mark McGhee bemoans his side's poor finishing.

Sideswipe - A brief, often sarcastic, comment made in a press conference, usually to the detriment of another team or individual. This is lapped up by the gathered hacks, who rub their hands with glee at another ready-made headline. The effect of a sidewipe is usually minimal and short-lived, although it can, on occasion, be the catalyst for a war of words.

Roy Keane aims a sideswipe at divers in 2005

Responded Angrily To... - As managers point out, speculation is part and parcel of the game. Sometimes though, the rumour-mongers succeed in riling a manager to the point where they feel compelled to respond angrily to reports over their future. It's usually an overreaction - they are far better advised to laugh off, dismiss, or quash speculation instead.

Newcastle respond angrily to Emre speculation

Branded - It is at this point on the Anger Severity Scale that things become slightly more venomous. The soapbox of the post-match interview is used to bring the reputation of an opponent into question. Branding is usually inflicted upon gravitationally-challenged opposing forwards, who run the siginificant risk of being branded a "diver", or even branded a "cheat".

Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink branded a "diver"

Parting Shot - Departing managers or players, especially in acrimonious circumstances, are likely to fire a rather bitchy parting shot. Sounding rather like a childish "didn't like your stupid club anyway!" when relations have turned sour, it also functions as a way of ingratiating themselves with their new employers and fans.

George Weah fires a parting shot at Manchester City in 2000

Hit Out - An angrier cousin of the act of bemoaning, hitting out tends to be directed towards a general topic - such as the influx of foreign players to the Premiership, for example. More specific targets can include FIFA's clown-in-chief Sepp Blatter, PFA chairman Gordon Taylor or rule-changing UEFA upstart Michel Platini.

The FA hits out at FIFA over World Cup 2006 tickets

Tirade - Included higher up on the ASS than you might expect. What the tirade lacks in explosiveness, it more than makes up for in length and despair. A manager, who feels he has been at the wrong end of one too many controversial refereeing decisions, may embark on/launch a furious tirade on the general standard of officiating. A tirade is always limited to general topics.

Roy Keane launches tirade on "WAG culture"

War of Words - A war of words can have several causes. It could be instigated by a sideswipe, a parting shot or a branding. The newspapers adore a good war of words, as it can stretch a very minor story over an entire week. Other elements of a war of words are expanded upon later.

Mourinho and Benitez in war of words

Haranguing - Very possibly now included in the official Laws of the Game as a specific offence, haranguing the referee is an issue that can rear its ugly head at any time. Pioneered by Manchester United's ravenous pursuit of Andy D'Urso a few years ago , it has been adopted by teams up and down the land. There is no official confirmation as to how many players are required for haranguing to occur, but The Angle... would suggest that a minimum of three protesting players would suffice.

Portugal pay price for haranguing referee

Fumed - Similar to a tirade, although shorter and more likely to be targeted at an individual (usually a referee or linesman)

Alex Ferguson fumes

Stinging Rebuke - Another important component of the war of words. The stinging rebuke often has highly moralistic overtones, but is mainly designed to re-open a war of words, or to reignite/fuel a feud.

Dave Kitson receives stinging rebuke from Ruud Gullit

Volley of Abuse - Shower of spittle optional, the volley of abuse has been mastered by Wayne Rooney. Littered with four-letter words, the volley of abuse is arguably the most severe on-pitch display of discontent.

"Wayne Rooney" and "volley of abuse" appear in same sentence!

Attack - Invariably "launched", attacks are as versatile as they are effective. This is reflected in the three sub-divisions of attack, which are highlighted further down. A bog-standard, basic-model attack occurs when a manager is far too angry to bemoan anything, and wants to make his point quicker than a tirade will allow him to.

As pointed out by our Norwegian correspondent Kris Wendelborg, attacks can also be thinly-veiled. Thinly-veiled attacks are, of course, more stealthy in nature than standard attacks, and require a bit more spin from the newspapers in order to initiate a war of words. Managers operating on a shoestring budget may wish to recycle the veil - used to unveil them when they were first appointed - to launch a thinly-veiled attack, although there is no current authority on the degrees of veil thickness in football.

Scathing/Blistering Attack - The first two rather more volatile forms of attack are the scathing and blistering attacks. A scathing attack is more useful for angry disapproval of the behaviour of an individual or organisation. A player may face a scathing attack from an opposing manager if he is branded a "diver", while the FA may well suffer the same fate because of their shambolic procedures.

A blistering attack marks the first point on the ASS where a distinct loss of control from the angry party can be identified. Its recklessness, coupled with the notable disregard for the implications of the attack, makes it a suitable bedfellow for the parting shot. Blistering attacks are a popular weapon of choice for bitter departing players, who may wish to blame their flopping on their former manager and his training methods.

Robbie Savage launches blistering attack on John Toshack

Slam - The most severe form of condemnation an individual can receive. Short, sharp and to-the-point, a slam leaves the media in no uncertainty. As with many components of the ASS, the slam's effect benefits from the violent connotation of the word.

SFA chief slams Mikoliunas "dive"

Blast - The last commonly-occurring element of the ASS, blasts are likely to appear on a weekly basis. Similar to the slam in many ways, but the implication is there is a significantly lower level of restraint.

Fans blast lack of Saturday games

Lambast - Nobody ever lambasts anyone outside of football. Your mother never lambasted you for not wiping your feet before you went in the house, your Maths teacher never lambasted you for chatting at the back, and your girlfriend never lambasts you for not giving her enough attention. Much like "lacksadaisical" or "derisory", you can guarantee that the average football fan is only aware of this word through football coverage. In fact, given that it also only ever crops up in print, no-one is even really sure how to pronounce it (is it "lamBAST", "lamBAYST" or "lamBARST"?!)

Nonetheless, if a lambasting takes place, then it is surely in response to a heinous misdemeanour.

Dennis Wise lambasts wantaway midfielder

Vitriolic Outburst - Effectively the equivalent of a volley of abuse, but in earshot of the media. Vitriolic outbursts are, alas, not often caught by cameras but can appear "exclusively" in The Sun or the News of the World. Axed managers or frozen-out players are most likely to have a vitriolic outburst.

Astonishing Attack - The pinnacle of football anger. While football media coverage is awash with superlatives, there are a select few adjectives that are still used suitably sparingly. "Horrific" injuries are almost always so, for example. Astonishing attacks befit their name - they can be directed at unexpected targets at any time. The standard example would be a manager or chairman launching an astonishing attack on his own club's fans, but other instances have had the potential to shock.

Mike Newell launches as astonishing attack

Yours in anger,

Adam.

Spread The Word

2007-09-06T18:48:00.000Z

As regular readers of The Angle... will know, we concentrate almost exclusively on the outpourings of those who supposedly have a greater in-depth knowledge of the game than the great unwashed. We hear the same clichés trotted out every week - not because they are true but because the pundit on the week before also said them. This leads to the received wisdom that is almost always guaranteed to be utter bollocks.

What we rarely examine is how this nonsense affects the discourse between those not yet lucky enough to have discovered The Angle.... Recently, I discovered a terrible truth: people actually listen to what pundits say and then automatically (and thus shamelessly) adopt them as their own opinions. What follows is a verbatim transcript of a conversation I heard just 24 hours ago. Warning: Those of a nervous cliché disposition should look away now...

Idiot 1: I think Liverpool will be very strong this year with the addition of Torres...
Idiot 2: Yeah. They’ll certainly be there or thereabouts. Arsenal have started well - though I feel they’re lacking a bit of quality.
Idiot 1: Without Henry, you wonder - when they go behind away on cold Wednesday night in Bolton - who will provide that little bit of magic that can unlock a defence.
Idiot 2: The good thing is the big four will all be taking points off each other. It will make for an exciting title race.

Just a brief conversation, but one that made my blood run cold. Clearly, The Angle's mission is far from complete...

Coxie.

The Footballer's Timeline

2007-09-06T12:47:00.000Z

Players' ages are seemingly more significant than ever before. Be it a starlet or a stalwart, a player can be defined heavily by his age. As a result, there are more than a few cliches that can be identified and thet are brought together here in the Footballer's Timeline:

3 - started kicking a ball
13 - playing for Under-15s local side, possibly Wallsend Boys Club, despite being two years younger
14 - Rejected by professional club for being "too small"
17 years and 113 days - Becomes club's youngest ever player, when he makes debut, as substitute, in the Carling Cup.
17 years and 117 days - Becomes club's youngest ever League player, when he makes debut, as substitute.
17 years and 123 days - Becomes club's youngest ever goalscorer. Even if goal is tap-in, player will instantly become one to watch.
18 - signs 5-year contract. called up by Under-21s.
19 - England debut. Fears of burnout are raised in the media.
20 - Three points on driving licence.
20 - Age at which a youngster, having worked his way through the club's Academy, is farmed out on loan to a lower-league club. Although this move is officially sanctioned in order for the player to gain first-team experience, it is in fact a way of preparing the player for the lower-league football they'll face when they are released the following summer, after finding their first-team opportunities limited.
21 - People begin to tend to forget he is still only 21.
22 - A watershed. At this point onwards, a player is allowed to use the phrase "at this stage of my career, I need to be playing first-team football". This stage of his career will, in fact, last about 15 years.
23 - Too old for the Under-21s, and not good enough for the full national side, a player's England B career begins.
28 – the absolute final age possible to be signed from non-league and also the point at which all blokes in the country can officially admit to themselves and their mates that “they’re not going to make it”
28 – also the age when all outfield players are considered to be at their peak.
28 - also the age where chronic injury forces the player to retire from the game at the age of 28. The player did not take this decision lightly, and will miss the matchday buzz, but wants to be able to play football in the garden with his children while he still can
31 - Age at which international retirement is announced, in order to concentrate/focus on club commitments. Such a decision will be credited with adding two or three years on to the player's career
32 – goalkeepers are said to reach their peak
32 – Player is approached to come out of international retirement
33 - Veteran status achieved. Players still at the top level will be labelled "evergreen"
34 – Player reveals that he is taking his coaching badges
35 - Former international player now legally eligible for move to Qatar.
37 - Outfield player's career nears its end, and the player smugly reveals how he is taking each game as it comes and just enjoying it. Others will observe with awe how the player has "looked after himself".
40 – goalkeepers travel the country as emergency cover for teams with a goalie injury crisis. Any move will, of course, be subject to special dispensation.

Adam.

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr McClaren?

2007-08-22T10:07:00.000Z

Back in the early days of The Angle..., we brought you a treatise on the England friendly. Unfortunately, due to the lack of real football around, The Angle... once again cast our gaze over the sheer tedium of the friendly internationals week. Many people bemoan the insipid nature of the football. However, regular readers know The Angle... would never stoop so low as to enter a debate regarding line-ups, formations and the merits of the midfield diamond.

We take this opportunity to help you negotiate the minefield that is…

The Myths of International Friendlies.

1. This is an important game.

Imagine this is not an England game at all, but one in which your club is involved. A truly important game - say, a tough-looking away leg in Eastern Europe, a relegation dog-fight or the "most lucrative game in world football", the play-off final. Now imagine that, in the run-up to this game, your star striker suffers the dreaded metatarsal injury, your dynamic, box-to-box midfielder is out with the tiniest crack in a bone ever seen, most of your half-decent back-up players are injured and one of your defenders says he doesn’t want to play anymore. I’m pretty sure that any normal fan, given this set of conditions, would be unable to sleep properly in the run-up and would almost certainly feel distinctly unwell on the morning of the game.

Well, here is the morning of this supposedly important game and I guess I could sum up the feeling of the nation with a giant "meh".

2. All the England Players Are Best Mates

As simple mathematics is something the England squad don’t have to contemplate (unless it is measured in thousands per week), then they can’t see the glaring statistical anomaly staring the rest of us in the face. Put simply, if this were true, it would mean there are over 20 people in the world who like Alan Smith.

3. You Don’t Understand!

This is a bit of a whopper in football circles, but necessary to keep whole façade alive and well. The idea is that the only people who understand football are those that have “played it at the highest level”. One of the consequences of this is that England players tell us that their team-mates have never had a bad game and have always been amazing every time “they pull on the Three Lions”.

Of course, this belief underpins the whole punditry system. People who have been there are able to give you insights which the man on the street could never hope to imagine. What they can never bring themselves to mention is that the ex-PE teacher, and translator for Bobby Robson (what a job that must be!), has not lost a home game in the last 100. The players dare not mention it because if they want to pursue a career in the media, they need the conditions to prevail where they can continue to trot out mindless platitudes. Inevitably, the odd good one will slip through, but they will usually just follow the Hansen technique of increasing boredom that culminates with him delivering his tributes to Michael Carrick from a chaise longue.

These lies persist because if they didn’t, the alternative - far from being a release from this - would be even more terrifying than the current situation. So, if you must, watch tonight’s game, the build up and, if you’re feeling particularly strange, hang around for Garth Crooks interviewing Steve McClaren.

Just don’t believe a single word of it.

Coxie.

15 Years of Monkey

2007-08-20T13:12:00.000Z

When Sky invented football back in 1992, they needed a man who would broadcast their message to the world, unflinchingly tell the subscribed masses that their lives had been changed forever and be able to state, without shame, that the Premier League was the best league in the world in the immediate aftermath of 0-0 draws between Aston Villa and Middlesbrough. This man was to be found lurking in the world of mind-numbing breakfast television. His name was Richard Keys. Never likely to enjoy the cult status of Jeff Stelling, nor produce the shoe-through-the-TV bumbling of Rob McCaffrey, Keys has managed to carve out a career, during which he has largely gone unnoticed, despite being on television every week during the season.

Unnoticed by everyone except The Angle... of course, as we bring you:

A Guide To Richard Keys

Unrelenting Corporate-ness

This is the man who, in the early days, was able to go in front of the TV in front of thousands wearing a baize green, Sky-Sports-logo-embossed blazer. Possibly adapted by his Mum from an old school blazer to curry favour with Rupert Murdoch, here was an early indicator that Keysie was Sky to the bone. Although the jacket may have gone, he remains stubbornly faithful to the party line. Suspicions that he has had all non-Sky channels blocked from his TV were further heightened when he made the same joke about Sven being the England manager as Lineker made last week on MotD. He also suffers from the delusion that the mere presence of Sky at a game will automatically make it a "cracker" of a match.

No Laughing Matter

For Richard, football is a serious business with no room for laughter. Unless, of course, a studio guest has made a weak joke, at which point he will become caught between his insistence on maintaining seriousness and his toady attitude towards studio guests. Which leads to him pretending to lose his train of thought while laughing so much, with an embarrassed-looking Gary McAllister sitting there with a look that says “alright mate, it wasn’t that funny..."

Questions, Questions, Questions

Post match analysis sees Richard enter the home straight, and his final task of the day is to ask questions of Andy Gray, in the manner that would shame a mildly inquisitive ten-year-old. Gray, relishing the chance to be the teacher to Keys's pupil, has previously answered these questions with the aid of what looked like coloured draughts pieces and now uses touch-screen technology. It is, perhaps, this line of questioning that allows the Geoff Shreeves interview to be introduced with all the reverence of David Frost against Richard Nixon.

On the other hand, maybe we should give him a break. He has to "literally" work with Jamie Redknapp. Furthermore, rare footage does exist of Keys's more human side, when he fails to
realise he is in Sky's full glare:

Coxie.

The (Other) Big Four

2007-08-17T11:28:00.000Z

The first week of the season has seen the usual suspects trying to blow the cobwebs away, while new arrivals try to impress their colleagues. While the media has been concentrating on the players, The Angle... has been keeping an eye on them. We see who has been dropping early points and who may be dark horses to run away with it – whatever ‘it’ may be...

Sky’s traditional how-can-we-be-innovative-this-year compulsion has, as always, started with messing about with the score/time graphics. In the past, we have seen a simple changing of the font and perhaps a new smattering of colour. However, this year we have a radical introduction of a huge blue line in the bottom left hand corner of the screen which intrudes on to the pitch. Possibly an innovation for the new breed of Sky viewer who follows the ball around like a team of five-year-olds and needs Alan Smith to explain everything. But for the rest of us - as we watch our team rush back after yet another corner is headed away at the near post - who hasn’t looked to the bottom left of the screen to see if your right back is awake or if the other side’s left winger is sprinting with his arms up in disbelief of how much space he is in? Exactly!

Elsewhere Jamie “Earnest” Redkanpp has been entertaining us with his seriously over-sincere delivery, his belief that saying someone’s name at the end of a sentence makes the statement profound, and the complete misunderstanding of the word “literally”. No, he isn’t “literally” on fire, Jamie.

The Match of the Day studio seems to have moved to the set of Any Dream Will Do, that was discarded after producers probably rejected it for being too camp. Presumably designed to cheer Mark Lawrenson up and, amongst the glare the blue neon lights produce, we can just make out the increasingly bored Alan Hansen. Gone are the chairs that he could slouch slovenly in, replaced with a Football Focus-style, semi-circular sofa that allows Hansen to deliver his analysis with his head between his legs.

Alan Shearer continues to say absolutely nothing, with a smirk on his face that seems to suggest we’d all be in for a shock if he told us what he really thinks. Still, Lineker’s wrapping-up joke actually made me laugh this week. Overall - a good start only tainted by Hansen’s complacency.

Featured heavily on this site last week, Setanta seem to have decided to invoke the feel and spirit of The Match ,which showed a seemingly endless stream of Everton and Wimbledon games in the 80s. With charisma-free Angus “No, Coxie, I’m not Statto off of Fantasy Football” Scott taking the place of Elton Welsby, Setanta seem to have spent all their budget on acquiring the rights and have forgotten the day care. I’m yet to be convinced that the commentary team isn’t watching the game on a big screen in the back room of a pub in Dublin and they also took the award for Worst Post-Match Interview when Rafa Benitez was apparently interviewed by a six-year-old girl after the Toulouse game.

This was overshadowed, however, by the pairing of Ray "Wivahhht Daahht" Parlour and Viv Anderson, who made me wish I was watching Wigan vs Middlesbrough on Sky instead.

Haven’t really featured much this year so far, but will appear on this site next week in an article entitled “What Commentators Should Stop Doing Immediately”...

Enjoy the weekend.

Coxie.

A Journey Into The Unknown

2007-08-13T08:52:00.000Z

Mid-August always sees several of Britain's top clubs have their embryonic league campaigns inconvenienced by the pesky qualifying round of the UEFA Champions League. The third and fourth placed Premier League sides from the previous season, plus whichever two lucky clubs manage to scrap successfully for the top two places in Scotland, are required to navigate this obstacle before they can properly take their places at the top table of European football.

Inevitably, the opponents for this tie (which the big guns probably view as a right pain in the arse, whatever they say about not underestimating the other side) will be from Eastern Europe. Throughout football history, teams from the former Eastern Bloc have been viewed with the traditional suspicion and often awe. The 1980s saw the powerful emergence of crack East European outfits, before the collapse of the Soviet Union and the influx of foreign players to the Premiership, began to significantly (although not entirely) demystify the football culture of the region.

Nowadays, there is a very high probability of drawing a (possibly little-known) East European side in the qualifying rounds of the European competitions. In the Champions League third qualifying round, roughly one-third of the teams are from Eastern Europe. In the UEFA Cup second qualifying round, this representation increases to almost fifty percent.

But enough of the history lesson - books such as those by Jonathan Wilson or Simon Kuper will provide a much more comprehensive account than The Angle... would dare to attempt. Instead, this article's aim is to examine the way that our football teams and media approach such European ties. As always, there is a strict and unbreakable code...

Fig 1.0

The Scale of Difficulty of East European Away Legs (SDEEAL), brought to you exclusively in association with

All of the above adjectives are employed to describe European away matches in Eastern Europe. Awkward (or awkward-looking) matches tend to be against teams from countries without a significant footballing pedigree, and who don't necessarily pose a real footballing threat. However, the perceived awkwardness is understood to stem from the distance that must be travelled to play the game, the state of the opponent's pitch (even if the match is moved to their country's national stadium after "UEFA safety concerns") and the fact that the game will probably be covered on an obscure television channel here in the UK.

What distinguishes potentially tricky ties from simply tricky ties, you ask? Well, ignorance. A potentially tricky trip could be to a relative unknown, or a European debutant - they might provide a stern test, but could just as easily be put to the sword by a straightforward professional performance. Quite simply, the "potentially" part serves as a get-out clause for the media correspondents. Genuinely tricky trips tend to be to better-known opponents, perhaps once-great clubs that have fallen upon rather more modest times. As Coxie pointed out in the previous article, any semblance of a European record back in the day is enough to strike even the slightest bit of fear in a media pundit ahead of a tricky European tie.

Tough ties, at least in the qualifying stages, tend to be the sole domain of the Glasgow clubs. While their English counterparts look far stronger on paper than their opponents (before the SDEEAL model is applied), the Old Firm risk being paired with rather more formidable propositions before they can reach the group stages. Rangers' clash with Crvena Zvezda (yes, we all know who they really are...) was therefore labelled "tough" accordingly.

All clubs will rather avoid having to make a daunting trip at this stage. Such matches take place inside vast concrete bowls that pass as "Olympic" Stadiums, packed to the rafters with a partisan crowd, who generate a hostile atmosphere. Sadly, the modern era of satellite telecommunication denies us the grainy images and muffled commentary that further enhanced the alien unfamiliarity of away matches in Eastern Europe in the 1970s and 80s. Dynamo Kiev used to be the paradigm of daunting trips, but the description now tends to be more sensibly restricted to genuinely daunting footballing opposition such as Barcelona.

However, nothing compares to the away match that nobody wants - Turkey. Although the menace of such journeys peaked with Galatasaray in the 1990s, visiting sides are still given a typically warm Welcome to Hell. Fearsome banners and relentless chanting, all drenched in a generous helping of goat's blood, are separated from the wide-eyed visitors only by a line of Turkish military. All of which is guaranteed to ruffle the feathers of any Premiership tourist, apart from Graeme Souness.

There are signs, however, that the mystique of East European away trips is fading. Teams are hardly flying with Aeroflot and staying in log cabins in Siberia before such matches. Despite the taming of the perceived terror of these away legs, a few cliches remain intact. Teams are still said to to face a journey into the unknown, against teams they no almost nothing about. In fact, managers are surprisingly happy to admit their relative lack of knowledge of their opponents, and that they have relied on DVDs and sending their unfortunate right-hand men to see them in action. The Angle... has no idea why they bother - we can guarantee that the scouting report will inevitably draw attention to the East Europeans being well-drilled, with the ability to run all day.

So, when you're tuning into ITV4 or Channel Five to see your team take on Lokomotiv Chernobyl away, bear our latest offering in mind.

Adam.

The Bluffers Guide to Punditry

2007-08-10T13:43:00.000Z

Yesterday, we brought you a guide to the pundits who will be bringing you the sort of insight only years of playing at the top level supposedly gives you. Of course, being an ex-footballer, a hard week's work would consist of about eight hours of playing a sport you love and getting paid fortunes to do it. As a pundit you will be paid less than you were as a player, so to do more work seems the mark of insanity. Scaling down the pay/work ratio means that our newly appointed pundits will only work in the time they are on the screen. But will this lack of preparation be shown up live in front of the nation? Not if our army of readers includes, as it surely does, luminaries from the professional game.

You pundits should worry no more as, on the eve of the season, The Angle... brings you The Bluffers Guide to Punditry...

The Angle... appreciates that it’s a difficult time to come into punditry. When the Premier League was in its infancy and Richard Keys still wore a Sky Sports corporate blazer, the last truly successful foreign players were widely regarded as the Dutch pair Muhren and Thijssen who played for Ipswich back in the 70s. However, the influx of foreign players meant that no longer would the names be restricted to Smith, Adams and Jones. New, exotic and difficult to pronounce ("rather you than me, John, he he he") names would become widespread.

Things have become even worse with the expansion of European football and the seemingly endless proliferation of Eastern European states. Now, with the UEFA Cup extended to incorporate nearly 5,000 teams, it becomes even more difficult to keep the fact you know little more than Joe Public. First of all, don’t panic - Crvena Zvezda is actually Red Star Belgrade and you certainly have heard of them!

Rule 1: All information is good information. If you do know something about someone featuring in the game, don’t be afraid to blurt it out, even if my nan knows that same bit of information. Which football fan committed enough to watch Copa America games in the middle of the night would not know Julio Baptista spent last season on loan at Arsenal? None, yet this factoid was trotted out continuously in every one of Brazil’s games.

Rule 2: If an obscure team has a player who has been linked, no matter how tenuously, with a move to England, single him out as the danger man. Even if it is the goalkeeper.

Rule 3: If the game is an international, one of the players will surely be familiar to you. Again, pick him out as the main source of danger. This is especially helpful if Brazil have picked a side of largely home-based players but have included a Real Madrid player, isn’t it Trevor Francis? Don’t think we didn’t notice you pick out Robinho out as the man to watch in the Copa America final!

Rule 4: Predictions for the game are largely unaccountable, but to show you know what you’re talking about, make them as non-specific and uncontestable as possible. A good phrase is “I think we can expect a tight opening twenty minutes, before the game opens up in the second half as the players tire” (ie basically the model of nearly every football match ever played).

Finally, Rule 5: If an English team is playing a team you’ve never heard of, the match will automatically set to a minimum difficulty of “tricky”. Never mind that you are unable to name a single player, their manager, or any of their results in the last six months, this simple formula will suffice. We saw this in action last season as Tottenham’s game against Eintracht Frankfurt was labelled “tough” purely on the basis that the German side had played Real Madrid in the final of the European Cup 47 years ago.

Follow these simple rules and the rest of the season will be a doddle. Good luck, pundits!

Coxie.

New Kids On The Block Part II

2007-08-09T12:33:00.000Z

Yesterday, we brought you Part One of our review of the Premier League new boys Setanta. In a bid to keep you more regularly up to date with the world of football coverage, we bring you Part Two today. Hopefully this will set a precedent for the new season. Like most teams at the moment, we’re full of optimism for the season ahead. Can we make a post every day (surely the equivalent of the treble), or will we break down just after Christmas, as the injuries and suspensions mount and Adam demands a transfer?

One team who definitely won’t be looking forward to the season with great relish is the Setanta punditry teams. Apparently, nothing beats playing, so it will be with a heavy heart/barely concealed bitterness that the ex-pros view the forthcoming campaign. How will this manifest itself? Of course, The Angle... already knows – by applying a carefully constructed formula of previous guest appearances, playing style, dress sense and a fair degree of guesswork we can bring you...

The Pundits

‘Sir’ Les Ferdinand

Part-time pilot, Blue Peter garden vandal and with the most inexplicable nickname in football, Ferdinand has managed to escape the BBC Pundit Pyramid, where he was destined to yo-yo between Football Focus and the African Cup of Nations for all eternity. The Angle... wonders whether he will be able to change his style from answering every question with “Ummmm very much so”, agreeing with everyone and generally looking petrified. The Angle... guarantees that Les will happily entertain a long-running, self-deprecating joke during the course of the season about how rubbish he was in front of goal - despite being the fifth highest goalscorer in Premiership history.

Tim Sherwood

Despite being called Tim, Sherwood gives the studio an air of menace, possibly born out of being comfortably the most average player ever to have captained a league-winning side. Previously only used by Sky for Portsmouth games or when they couldn’t get Glenn Hoddle to cover Spurs matches, Sherwood is not afraid to put the boot in on players he isn’t friends with. The antithesis to Jamie Redknapp, he will happily rip to shreds someone who isn’t pulling their weight. An interesting signing and a possible star in the making.

Steve McManaman

A signing that demonstrates that Setanta want to get that local-boy-done-good feeling, hoping that Macca will be able to give us the technical expertise that his time on the continent afforded him. Albeit in a manner that only thick Scousers will be able to understand. Sadly, being a thick Scouser himself, he will be unable to do so and will merely trot out the well worn clichés that we know and love. The main interest in Steve will be his choice of clothing, as he has popped up every now and then in clothes only a footballer would dream about wearing on the television.

Emmanuel Petit

Another interesting selection. Foreign pundits are always a good idea as they, unlike their domestic counterparts, have actually taken the trouble to learn English properly. I have encountered ‘Manu’ in commentating terms when he was in the gantry for French TV. I, of course, didn’t understand a word but in the last minute, Collins John went to volley in a consolation goal, sliced it and fell over. Cue five minutes of laughter from our Gallic hero. I could hear him banging the table in front of him. More of that and less of “He’ll be disappointed with that” and he’ll go a long, long way.

Neil Warnock

It took Colin over five years to come to terms with Graham Poll running into one of his players and “costing him the FA Cup”. The fact that it was in the first half of a semi-final, a game in which United missed a chance from three yards, is of course never mentioned. Of course, Colin isn’t really over it. It’s just been replaced with the whole “Carlos Tevez Affair” – the sole reason for United’s relegation. Nothing to do, of course, with Colin signing Jonathan “Two Goals a Season” Stead. Hopefully, Warnock will be unable to contain his bitterness and Setanta will make him cover all of West Ham’s games, to divert him from what will essentially be a season-long plea to give him a job.

Coxie.

New Kids On The Block

2007-08-08T12:29:00.000Z

After a busy summer of coming and goings, including a “transfer saga” so complicated and “protracted” it has been promoted to the status of “affair”, it’s time for The Angle... to stop feigning interest in cricket and rugby league, and get back to giving you your indispensable guide to football coverage, pundits, what they say and what they actually mean.

We have, of course, been aware of the new arrivals to the Premier League, although our concerns lie not with the relative goal scoring merits of Fernando Torres and Eduardo da Silva but more with the real new kid on the block – Setanta Sports.

What sort of coverage they will provide is still untested at this level. Their promotional trailer, whilst acknowledging the fact that no-one actually knows the name of this company, is not a good sign, with its overly forced wit that sees Des Lynam (more of whom later) moonlighting in a burger van outside a suitably nondescript stadium. At this point it was easy to see who would be the main guy, but a trip to Setanta’s web page implied that they didn’t wish for anyone to find out the rest of the team’s identity.

Well, wonder no more as The Angle... brings you your guide to the new kids on the pundit block.

The Anchors

Des Lynam

After a hiatus in the Countdown retirement home, Des’s brand of twinkly-eyed rogeuishness is back. Providing that cheeky “let’s not take this all so seriously” attitude that would probably cause Richard Keys to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, Des is certainly, in broadcasting terms, a heavyweight. What remains to be seen is if he can maintain his enthusiasm when Setanta are forced to cover the football equivalent of Countdown - Middlesbrough.

James Richardson

Despite his massive reputation, Richardson is probably the broadcasting equivalent of Eduardo da Silva. He may have impressed before, but that was with Italian football, firstly on Channel 4 and then on Bravo, a channel arguably the equivalent of the Croatian League TV–wise. The ability needed to make an impression in the depths of cable TV may be ruthlessly exposed when under the full glare of the Premier League. Can he make the step up? Will his Angle-esque refusal to get excited at the everyday happenings of the Premier League (it's not the Premiership any more, apparently) go against him in the midst of Setanta's enthusiastic debut?

Angus Scott

Playing it safe here, Setanta have opted for a man set to be the most uncharismatic and evocative football presenter on British television. He will be guaranteed to robotically toe the party line of the Best League In The World (a line well-trodden by Sky Sports, of course). The best way to exemplify Scott's blatant dullness would be to reproduce a snippet of his career history from Wikipedia:

"Between 2001 and 2003, Angus was the main host of ITV's The Goal Rush, the networks answer to Sky Sports' Soccer Saturday and BBC Sport's Final Score. The programme was axed at the end of 2003. Angus occasionally presented the football show On The Ball for ITV as well as Champions League programmes. He presented the Trinidad and Tobago vs Paraguay World Cup 2006 game on ITV4. He has also presented The Championship. He also worked on the 2002 FIFA World Cup in Korea and Japan. He, prior to leaving ITV, regularly commentated for ITV's highlights show The Championship."

Yawn. So, a man so second rate, he makes Steve McClaren look positively sought-after.

Commentators

Jon Champion

Like James Richardson, this is someone with a degree of promise for the big stage, although he is perhaps getting on a bit. Champion was promoted to the first ranks of Match of the Day commentators following Barry Davies decision to to concentrate on figure skating. He seemed to disappear after a short while, which poses the question: Is he just too bland? Well, The Angle... would argue that any perceived blandness must surely be preferable to the styles of amateur stand-up comedian Clive Tyldesley and human thesaurus Peter Drury at ITV, both of whom Champion worryingly failed to dislodge in the ITV gantry during his time there.

Ian Crocker

This is Crocker’s move to the big time. Formerly the roving reporter on Capital Gold and Soccer Saturday, can he handle the attention that covering QPR or Crystal Palace did not attract? He could find himself ultimately joining the pantheon of commentating legends or, more likely, back pitch-side at Loftus Road (alongside Tony "Over to Loftus Road!" Incenzo, no doubt) trying not to cry.

Co-Commentators

Craig Burley

Being Scottish and enthusiastic has carved out Alan Brazil a career, so why not Burley? An unknown quantity in the co-commentary stakes, it remains to be seen if, like the other Scottish heavyweights, he likes to analyse aspects derived from his own playing career. Gray likes strikers “gambling” and “putting themselves about a bit”. Hansen likes defenders “who spot the danger early and deal with it” (and Michael Carrick). Will Burley follow suit and make a name for himself by saluting non-descript, box-to-box, journeyman midfielders with no teeth?

Next time, we'll take a look further into the Setanta stable when we reveal to you the star-studded array of pundits at their disposal, including Steve McManaman, Emmanuel Petit, Tim Sherwood (yes, Tim Sherwood!), Les Ferdinand and the tediously outspoken Colin Wan...erm, Neil Warnock.

Coxie.

Silly (Pre-)Season.

2007-07-19T14:12:00.000Z

The idea that football supporters are left in a desperate limbo between the final day of the season and the day that the fixture list is published is a rather outdated one. Thanks mainly to outlets such as the ravenous gossip-mongers at Sky Sports News and the bored wind-up merchants at Football365, we are kept afloat by a constant stream of transfer talk.

We are informed of managers being given war chests by their new foreign billionaire supremos, which they are free to squander on whichever player catches the eye at that summer's international tournament. Vast sums change hands across the Continent in high-profile deals, all of which are vying for the honour of being the Transfer Saga of the Summer (protracted or otherwise). Managers of perennial underachievers are expected to perform a clear-out each summer, in order to strengthen their underachieving squad to the point where they are tipped to challenge in the forthcoming season. This freshly-heightened expectation thus allows the squad to underachieve once more. The knee-jerk nature of many signings made during the close season is clear, but it is a situation not helped by the fans. Even the most cynical supporter gets a buzz of excitement when his beloved club unveils their latest recruit. Those who are yet to see their club dip into the transfer market as July approaches can be heard to pray for their club to sign "someone".

The sheer number of transfers that occur during these hectic twelve weeks or so mean that some simply go unnoticed. Whilst all eyes are trained on the Carlos Tevez saga (A saga that promises to be the absolute godfather of all Protracted Transfer Sagas), Trevor Sinclair will quietly put pen to paper at Cardiff, Leeds United stalwart Gary Kelly will jump the sinking ship to hang up his boots, and England international Michael Ricketts will continue his inexorable downward career spiral by joining Oldham Athletic.

Eventually, come mid-July, new-look squads up and down the country hit the pre-season trail. New signings, looking distinctly unfamiliar in their new club's shiny new third kit, stroll through their debuts against Conference (sorry, Blue Square Premier) opposition. Those at higher-profile clubs see their first appearance come against a local Chinese side, as part of their ambitious employer's attempt to tap into the lucrative Far East market. Of course, this isn't their proper debut, but it's an easy ride nonetheless. A new signing (particularly a more expensive one, strangely) cannot really do too much wrong on his pre-season "debut". Unless he gets sent-off or scores a hat-trick of own goals, the player will be said to have shown "some good touches". Sky Sports News will inevitably acquire footage of these good touches.

Year upon year of the transfer free-for-all means that, in the eyes of some supporters (if not the managers and chairmen), some transfers are doomed to total failure. One such signing is that of Rolando Bianchi by Manchester City. For a fee of almost NINE MILLION POUNDS. The Angle... suggests that a good rule of thumb in the labyrinth of the summer transfer market is to avoid signing a player nobody has ever heard of for £9m. Sven, it'll all end in tears -cue Ceefax:

No. 3: January 2008 - Rolando Bianchi is put out of his Premiership misery.

Starved of club football for a quarter of a year, supporters attempt to extract as much significance as they can from their club's pre-season friendly results, despite assurances from the manager that "at this stage, it's more about the performance than the result." Confused fans wonder if the "XI" side they see listed on the Ceefax fixtures page is work keeping tabs on, while scouring the forum on their club's website for the link to a legally-dubious internet feed of the first team squad's latest match of their Far East tour. Despite their similar curiosity, supporters of the Premiership's more mediocre teams are too wise to get carried way by their team's 12-0 win over some Swedish postmen, plumbers and milkmen, as they begin their Scandinavian tour.

Of course, no pre-season is complete without a red card controversy, where clubs and fans alike are curiously outraged that one of their players gets suspended from the start of the league season after being given his marching orders in the final warm-up match.

While television manages to occupy the airwaves with tedious pre-season rumours, newspapers are faced with a similar task. An effective way of filling the void is a good old club-by-club feature. Club-by-club features crop up at least twice during the close season. The first instance occurs at the height of the summer transfer chaos, where each club's ins, outs and shakeitallabouts are listed in minute detail. It is at this point, if a club's arrivals are summarised by the word "none", that fans are seen to become frustrated at their club's lack of transfer activity. The traditional response from the chairman or manager is to assure the fans that they are "working hard behind the scenes". Over-eager club representatives may even let slip to the masses that the club are "looking to bring in four or five" transfer targets.

As the new season approaches, the second type of club-by-club feature will appear. Providing a forensic rundown of each club's hopes for the next nine months, these features even go as far as to predict the entire final Premiership table for May. The relegation candidates are rarely a surprise, but the speculative forecasts for the top of the table usually just involve the feature writer tipping Liverpool to finally put together a title challenge. Elsewhere in the table, you sense that the predicted midtable positions of Blackburn, Everton and Middesbrough et al are simply cobbled together.

Here we go again.

Adam.

The Crystal Ceefax Ball

2007-05-23T14:49:00.000Z

Steve Sidwell's move to Chelsea on a Bosman was seen by many as a money-grabbing move by a player who will spend most of next season warming the bench. They may well be right...

No. 2: May 2008 - Steve Sidwell ends his Chelsea nightmare by moving to footballer scrapyard Middlesbrough, who are inevitably under new stewardship.

Adam.

Tomorrow's Inevitable News....Today!

2007-05-21T14:37:00.000Z

If only the footballing world had a fast-forward button. The appointment of Bryan Robson as the new Sheffield United manager brought a collective sigh of despair from the Blades faithful, and led the The Angle... to once again question the sanity of football club chairmen.

To save everyone the bother of waiting for the next few months, The Angle... brings you the first in a series of Ceefax stories from the future. Bask in the inevitability of it all!

No.1 - January 2008 - Bryan Robson's spell at Sheffield United reaches its natural end:

Adam.