merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.

I Lied So Much That The Truth Showed Up (ALSO A LIE)

2008-05-14T02:36:00.000-07:00

Susannah Breslin aka The Reverse Cowgirl interviewed me for her sweet blog. I couldn't shut up enough. Go read it then come back and make fun of me so we can blog fight and I can call you a douche.

Now Lauren & Dexter (Are Flawk):

Lauren & Dexter Are Flawk - & Flock & Floc & Flahk & Flaak & Floughk & Flauc & Flauck & Flaulk & Flok

BUY MY BOOK YOU!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught feeding all that fermenty cake to the dogs.
Your Favorite Tool,
Whatever Gots That Ratchet Noise

Adam Sandlers Sermon Was a Pain in My Neck, Milfies Kid Was Biting My Moves & Family Bone Evening

2008-05-08T05:55:00.000-07:00

I went to church yesterday and wouldn't you know everyone was all politics this and politics that and I was all

"NO MORE POLITICS. THIS IS CHURCH YOU IDIOTS!"

Of course I knew that church is always about politics but also I was there not to learn about Jesus but instead make jokes and do a little work for good old satan planting those seeds of doubt. I'm a good person, that's why.

Anyway Adam Sandler gave a half decent sermon in a bunch of wacky voices. My neck started hurting from looking to the left so much due to some genius designing the church with sideways rows as if it's a good idea to be facing the other half of the ugly ass church goers sitting on the other side. Leave that type of seating to gymnasiums NumbNuts.

Oh yeah, my old best friend from growin' up had box seats and he was tryin' really hard to be funny but NOPE, not funny.

Later on I was having sex with this MILF from church when I noticed her kid was watching. I tried to turn away and block his view with some magazines but he was intent on watching me bang his mom.

Then he tried to copy my moves. That wasn't gonna fly.

"Oh it's ok" she said, "We have a really open household."

She wasn't lying, the whole front of the house was missing and it wasn't long before the whole neighborhood was watching us do it and all of them were copying my moves too. BE ORIGINAL PEOPLE.

"I'm not into this public sex stuff." I said.

"We'll let's find a new place then."

Then MILFY, her kids and I all went hunting for a good private place to have sex. I mean for me and the MILF to have sex, not the kids, they don't get to have sex, they just watch. Pervy bastards.

I'm not calling her back next time she texts. She was desperate anyway. Bleh.

Now Cyan:

Cyan - Enjoys a Beverage In The Server Room While Engaged in Some Sort of Energy Swap With a Dill Pickle as a Black Cat Phlegmatically Monitors at Least 3 Futile Displays Involving 1 Maverick Hand, 1 Haunted Can Opener & 1 Can of Pabst Blue Ribbon

BUY my BOOK!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught changin up your game to fake'em out.
Your Favorite Place To Bone a MILF,
The Garage

The Typewriter Walkman Cubicle Bike, The Grinning Carrot Zipper Crevice & Betting on Jailhouse Shrink-to-Fit

2008-05-07T04:59:00.000-07:00

You've all heard me pee on burning man a billion times already so I won't get into a rant here but you know, living in SF, whether you like it or not, you're gonna end up having a friend with a curly mustache and a tall bike and he's gonna have a girlfriend who still thinks tall silver boots and fur pants are AWESOME so what I suggest you do is every once in a while play along and make a musical keyboard out of an old typewriter and a pile of walkmans. Chances are you actually have an ounce of taste and can do it better than anything THEY do. Anyway, that's what I did yesterday. I also made a bike out of an office cubicle ALSO FOR THEM. Bad Burning Man Antic City.

While on my way to my best friend from childhood's house I discovered a ditch filled with sideways carrots, meaning the carrots were sicking out into the ditch like a big long orangetooth smile -- or maybe a zipper. I'm going to patent the carrot zipper so don't go trying to make a billion dollars just yet PAL.

I turned my back guest room into a jail so now all kinds of hoodlums go back there to gamble but it doesn't bother me because I have totally been preoccupied with finding the perfect shrink to fit suit. I just like feeling it shrink, I could probably get the same sensation if I wore pantyhose head to toe. I'm gonna go try that. Just kidding, what do you think I am, YOU? Yeah right, I'd sooner wear pantyhose head to toe.

Now Jenny F:

Jenny F - Unwittingly Stands Target To a Crevice Creeping Squirtgunner as an Indiscreet Chainsaw Smitten Tabby Is Caught Mid-Squirm, a Horny Melon is Busted Probs Porning Out On Some Internet Cantaloupes & an Ill-Bread Sandwich Lewdly Spreads It's Meat

BUY my BOOK!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught wearing pantyhose head to toe.
Your Non-Pantyhose Head To Toe Wearer,
Not That Pink Unicycle Dude

How Martha Stewart Feels 24/7, Much Ado About Thread Count & The Saucy Hypocrisy of Fetus Meatballs

2008-05-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

One of my old roommates moved back in and very quickly decided to repaint the entry way which sent me into a rage more powerful than all the peppers in mexico. Why do I let my old roommates move back in? I DON'T THEY JUST DO IT UNTIL I FIND OUT AND CHOP THEIR HEADS OFF! Biggest mammas boy on the planet that one was.

I moved my bed to the park and one of my girl friends joined me but we couldn't sleep very well because everybody kept messing with my news sheets. Had I known the sheets would cause such a stir I would have just left on the old ones. People go NUTS for high thread count. STAY BACK ASSHOLES!

I'd also like to go on record that I actually tried to do something about the barbaric sandwich situation at the park. I tried to tell anyone who'd listen that the yummy sandwiches they devoured actually contained living puppies and newborn premature infants but apparently deliciousness is far more important than the sanctity of cuteness. I had to chase down and tackle at least 5 different cops while holding an armful of sauce covered squirming fetuses I'd rescued from sandwiches before anyone would even give one second of attention to the horror they called lunch.

Fuckin San Francisco man, It's like fetuses are meatballs around here.

Now Heather B:

Heather B - SkyCam

BUY my BOOK!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught taking a nibble just to see what all the hype was about.
Your Least Likely Liberator of Lunch,
The Holy Ghost

Cartoon Riots In Oakland, "Vow To Kill Me" Pfff, Yeah Right & More Cartoon Riots in Oakland

2008-05-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

I flew to Oakland yesterday, I call it JOKEland or Brokeland or Croakland because I'm good with words. I didn't wear a coat or pants fro the flight so the wind was pretty cold on my wang. I had an adopted miracle baby riding along on my back just for the hell of it, never quite figured out what the "miracle" was but he seemed to be a well behaved little fella. Guess I should mention we weren't in a plane. I told you I know how to fly right? Well I do, I'll give you a ride one day if you stop acting so entitled.

Of course yesterday in Oakland was Cartoon Takeover Day I'm sure you read all about it elsewhere. I was really good at avoiding being touched by The Cartoons because, as you know, that is how they turn you into a Cartoon too. I don't think it would be all that bad to be a Cartoon but since I'm no gambler and I like being a non-cartoon why chance it. Having only three fat fingers seems like it would be pretty gay.

As everyone divided into tribes according to their own cartoonness or non-cartoonness I went on to the stadium and looked around for the key, which of course I found lickety split under a bleacher in a slurpee cup. I really wanted to meet the owner of the stadium so I had a mutual aquaintence introduce us. Turns out he's a hot headed wall eyed drug dealer on the run and for some reason he was convinced I was a cop so he vowed to kill me which was a little bothersome so I hopped into the back seat of an awaiting town car and flipped him off through the rear window as he chased behind me running like a doofus all handcuffed n'shit. HA - DICK!

Anyway, so back at the stadium we all waited for The Cartoons to show up, paint thinner and giant erasers in hand, you know ambush style, everyone was pretty tense but convinced that we had the upper hand and it would be all cancelsville for The Cartoons, but then the stadium itself turned into a big undulating cartoon comprised entirely of really colorful cartoon worms and the rest is too stupid and widely available on the internet to bather getting into here. Pick up a newspaper for once.

I swear I don't take drugs.

Now Heather B:

Heather B - Cross Legged On The Dirty Hallway Carpet Half Pretend Listening to a Sell Out Hook Billed Hump Back Fish as a Caterpillar Inspects What Might Be The Ass End of an Attractive Cheese Puff Just Across The Border On The Linoleum In Kitchenville

BUY my BOOK!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught contemplating the eraser qualities of the tip of your weehoo.
Your Very Favorite Topic Last Week,
Gas Prices

The Uncomfortable Gay Elderly Childrens Dace Contest, Bad Vibing The Boner Guy & Dealing With Thuggy Negroes That Was Sellin My Junk

2008-05-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

I went to a very uncomfortable elderly gay dance contest in which the contestants were fully developed pre-teens and other assorted mutants. Apparently if you are elderly and gay it's ok to look at naked kids so long as they have huge boobs and/or long penises. OK I guess that's not very fair of me to say that, for all I know they were old people who were just really short and had childlike proportions/demeanors etc... Anyway, none of it was very exciting, I think that's another factor they consider with child pornography laws, you know, keep it really boring and they'll just say its art, I believe that's the number one requirement for getting an art grant too. Makes sense. Anyway, the show had many layers of leather and fur and there was also a lizard headed hairstylist. Whopdeedoo.

After I went with some rockstar friends and well known a native tomato slicer to another bar that was full of beds. A really tall girl climbed into my bed with me and we fooled around while bad vibing some random dude with a boner away the hell from us and onto another bed with another one of those tiny naked old people or fully developed kids that I mentioned earlier

On my way home we stopped at a yard sale type deal underneath a freeway overpass. I soon discovered that all the merchandise were my own personal belongings, including my leather jacket collection and my brand new sheets that had apparently been stolen. I went to discuss this fact with the people running the show who turnned out being these gigantic thuggy negro fellas who weren't too overly concerned with my grumblings so I did the reasonable thing and I lit the whole place on fire. I only felt a little bit sorry for them as they burned. Come to think of it I probably could have figured out a way to get back at them without burning all my own stuff but hey remember the LA riots and how they burned their own neighborhoods? Maybe I got the idea from that. OJ Killed those people on my birthday you know. Ask My shrink. HAHA you CAN'T CUZ I DON'T HAVE ONE. Don't YOU feel stupid.

Now Jenny, JeniLuv, Amy & Alexia;

JeniLuv - Oblivious to The Impending Party Crash By Skunk, Toilet Paper and Left Poking Weiner, She Parties With West Side Jenny, Amy, Alexia and a Satisfying Snickers While Sipping Bacardi Like it's Her Birthday

BUY my BOOK!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENILUV!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught starting race riots on the blog.
Your Favorite Unknown Immigrant Tomato Slicer,
Morgan Freeman

74 Things I Learned About Being Mentioned In The New York Times

2008-04-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

1. The New York Times doesn't link to boobs :( FUCKERS!

7. The New York Times doesn't generate mad hits on my websites. LOSERS!

18. The New York Times thinks I "might have amounted to nothing in analog times." Probably true but still... BASTARDS!

42. The New York Times round aboutly compared me to a "failed filmmaker." WELL I NEVER!

51. The New York Times slices the pie like this: 9 slices for Guoleifsdottir, 2 slices for merkley. JERKS!

60. The New York Times doesn't like the three question marks that take up the last three spots of my name. RACISTS!

72. The New York Times is not perused by any members of my family or close friends. RETARDS!

73. The New York Times asks Thomas Hawk what he thinks. KNOWITALL!

12. The New York Times mentions Vikram Chatwal (pictured above) WAY more than me.

74. "The New York Times" dropped into various conversations with any human, dog or reflective surface who will listen along with "yeah they mentioned me in this ginormous article about radness..." makes you sound like a dick.

FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT BEING MENTIONED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES!

THANKS NEW YORK TIMES!.

Now Vikram Chatwal:

Vikram Chatwal - Half Billionaire Former Playboy Sikh Hotelier Takes No Calls While Enjoying a Burrito & Ice Cold L.A. Tap Water in Borrowed Mickey Mouse Boxers & Patriotic Turban on a Filthy Dollar Concealing Mattress in Room 111 of The Hollywood Premier Motel

BTW I Took That picture of Vikram for India's equivalent to People Magazine but they hated it and didn't use it.

Vikram in NYTimes
Vikram Chatwal Wikipedia

OH YEAH,
75. The New York Times Forgot to mention my BOOK!!! ASSHOLES!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught yelling "I WAS MENTIONED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES!!" at a bunch of kids on the swings.
Your Favorite Thing To Yell Into The Toaster,
I WAS MENTIONED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES!!

111 Things I Learned By Self Publishing 1111 Coffee Table Books of 111 Naked Girls on Sofas...Part One

2008-04-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

1. People like naked girls on sofas.

7. Google knows everything there is to know about publishing but it will feed you all kinds of bullshit and recommend a veritable gift basket of pure dog crap until you really learn how to sweet talk it and figure out the cryptic language of overseas printing. Only then will it yield any of it's secrets.

11. No matter how many times your broker for a mainland chinese printer claims he has looked at your photos and can assure you that they can be printed in mainland china, he won't actually look at them until you have perfectly procrastinated and met his exact latest possible deadline so you can have your books by 1/11 and paid him a 15k deposit. Even though he has had links and pdfs to your naked girl pictures for MONTHS, it is only at this point he will look at them for the first time and tell you his Chinese printers can't print nudity and neither can his Indonesian printers even though he thinks at first that they can.

4. Brokers for Chinese printers are a major cause of heart attacks and must be avoided if you are hoping to print naked stuff and not have heart attacks.

23. Hong Kong has the best prices and highest quality for naked coffee table book printing, they just do, but most of them do their binding on the mainland who CAN'T BIND NAKED STUFF so 80% are not going to help you.

25. While it may seem that using an english speaking US based print broker would be better than contacting a Chinese speaking Hong Kong Based printer directly, 70% of what the english speaking broker says is bullshit and even though you can't understand 60% of what your Hong Kong printer is saying, at least it's only 10% bullshit, I think that's a like a 50% savings on bullshit or something. Math ain't my subject.

70. While providing a way for people to PRE-order and PRE-pay for your book online will certainly soothe the PRE-pain of your up front PRE-costs and even perhaps PRE-pay them entirely and then some, all that PRE-pain is likely to come flooding back in the form of heart attacks caused by varying degrees of PRE-bullshit that happens when things go PRE-screwy (PRE-haps) due to you not PRE-understanding 60% of what your printer told you plus his added 10% Chinese bullshit.

Now Compression:

Compression - Tried To Give A Damn But I Couldn't Give a Shit

BUY my BOOK!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught cursing the sky in fake chinese and then pretending that the ordeal was exhausting as an excuse to take a totally unneeded, unnecessary and unsatisfying break from something that's relaxing and enjoyable in the first place.
Your Fake Most Important Import Reporter
Ching Chong Long Ling Ling Long Bing Bong (chinese for Carl)

Stay tuned for parts 2 through 11

The Boy Genius In The Monkey Suit, Who's Ascared of a Cartoon Dog & My Long Lost Aunt The Prostitute

2008-03-05T01:28:00.000-08:00

I worked as the cameraman/host of another reality show yesterday. Tons of people showed up to be interviewed, we filled an entire stadium. I focused my attention on an articulate young kid who had an answer for everything. He told me that he didn't want to be on TV so I asked him then why are you wearing a monkey suit? He told me it was warm. Man that kid was SMART.

After that we unleashed the cartoon dogs on everyone. People were scared, running around like idiots, mostly because they were real life cartoons which is a dumb reason to be scared considering that cartoon dog teeth fall out so easily. Who is afraid of being gummed by Pluto? Not me.

I also took a quick trip to Utah to visit an aunt of mine who has become a hooker since the last time I saw her which was never, because I didn't even know I had a hooker aunt till just yesterday. It's kinda cool having a hooker aunt. She kept saying genius things like, "I have a hole in my butt and pants to match!" which was true, she did have a hole in her pants.

Now Cyan:

Cyan - Lunch Smidgens of a Sec Before Being Twinked in The Cheek w/ a Stinging Staple of Corporate Credence & Subsequently The Realization That She's Been Flagrantly Stereotyped as a Female CEO of an Internet Business That Pays Chicks To Show Their Boobs

BUY my BOOK!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught wondering if your prostitute aunt has any hot friends even though she's like 55.
Your Last Best Hope,
Colonel Sanders

Shrink-Wrapping 101, The Chicken Coop Stadium Old Timer Mexicans & Trendy Nursing Home Poseurs

2008-02-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

I bought a big shrink-wrapping contraption to shrink-wrap my photos all toy store, bulk product style, if you went to my show you know what I'm talking about. Flawless shrink-wrapping is an art and once one begins getting the hang of it, one begins searching for bigger and bolder shrink-wrapping challenges. For instance, you have all seen the shrink-wrapped CD or pack of cards, this is rudimentary shrink-wrapping, a quadripple amputee could almost pull off this very basic type of shrink-wrapping. Just kidding, Quad Amps are useless. Anyway, point is: shrink-wrapping a more complex object such as... uh, hmmmn, let's say a useless quadripple amputee, presents a much much BIGGER challenge because although Quad Amps can't kick or punch, they are pretty adept squirmers and half decent biters. You get the idea. So, I tell you all this because just last night I shrunk-wrapped a huge pile of melting shredded cheddar cheese. Thats like brown belt level shrink-wrapping right there. FIND ME A QUAD AMP STAT!!! I am redd eee.

What else did I do yesterday?

Thanks for asking, yesterday I was also a contestant on a reality TV show. I didn't really know I was competing because they didn't tell us that, they like to keep lots of things secret, otherwise Flavor Flav would realize, well I'm not sure WHAT he would realize. I love Flavor Flav. ANYWAYZ, I ended up visiting a bunch of really super old mexicans living in the chicken coops under the Oakland Coliseum, I don't speak tons of spanish but I understand it because I know portuguese and spanish just sounds like how really dumb Brazilians speak portuguese and that's not even a joke. So these old mexicans went on and on about how much they LOVE living in the chicken coops because of an overwhelming spiritual desire to live with chickens. I was all:

"Whatever, chicken quesadilla I can see, but these living chickens need some head-lop-offery STAT!!!"

"STAT!!!" Stats:
2 visible occurrences so far,
1 imagined occurrence.

What else...
Oh yeah, when I was walking past the nursing home I decided to stop and take some pictures of all the old people through the front window, you know, because people really like looking at pictures of old people, it makes them feel REAL and sad. People LOVE being sad. Anyway, I'm a conspicuous documentarian to say the least and apparently all the old people were familiar with my "work" because as soon as they noticed me pointing my camera at them they all posed like frogs. I was all like:

"Uhhhh, thanks, but that frog pose is soooooo 2007"

Old people always do trendy stuff like way after it's not even cool anymore, but they are just fucking with you.

I don't know if I won the reality show contest, they made me sign a contract barring me from watching it, thinking about it, or talking about it until it airs, so basically if you tell them I said anything I will tell them you hacked into my blog STAT!!!

"STAT!!!" Stats:
3 visible occurrences,,
1 imagined occurrence,
1 non-sensical, non-comedic placement.

Now Sarah:

Sarah - Sofa

FLOG FLOG FLOG for my BOOK!!! (which arrives march 3rd 2007) FLOG FLOG...

That's all for now.
Don't get caught sayin there was only ONE unfunny usage of a word to trick everyone into thinking the other two were UPROARIOUS.
Your Least Favorite Thesaurus Result Under "Hilarious" That Makes You Think Of Itchy Balls ,
Jocular

Aluminum Foil = MASTERPIECE, My Spectacular One Man Sleep Show & Arizona's FUNNIEST Town

2008-02-22T03:41:00.000-08:00

I went to a terrible art show yesterday, AGAIN.

News flash to art school students: tin foil is dumb, especially when you make robot costumes or space people costumes. Ok I'm just kidding, tin foil is THE BEST -- just kidding, it's dumb, 'cept when I use it then it's cool. Look, I don't wanna be Negative Ned, just maybe don't invite me to your art shows anymore because when I have to pretend I like your crap it fills me with self hatred and other kinds of hatred and some of it is the kind that might end with my toe in your tin foiled ball sack. Just kidding, you can invite me, I like making fun of you in my head. Just kidding ALL art is GREAT!!! Just kidding, yours really does suck. Seriously.

I'm so much like Simon.

In Utah there is a gas station in the upper avenues above downtown that was built from an old theater. The actual theater part was converted into a bedroom with the bed smack dab in the center of the enormous stage. I used to sleep there because I loved the applause when I woke up or turned over or told jokes in my sleep. You'd be surprised how many people came to watch me sleep, maybe they just needed gas, at any rate I was very very VERY popular when I was in Utah. Did I mention it was an indoor drive-in theater? Yeah, all the seats were removed, people used their headlights to light the show, which was me sleeping. I can sleep in bright light.

In other news, I did married people things with a girl that had a greatly detailed map of her home town of Yuma Arizona tattooed all over her body. At one point my wang totally wiped out the entire airport and I didn't even have to go through security checks. Terror wang for sure. BTW If you just made up your own obvious "twin towers" joke in your head just now it's obviously because you have never been to Yuma. One needs a good sense of Yuma if one wants to make funny jokes about it.

Now THERE'S a joke with POTENTIAL.

Don't forget to tip the waitresses!!!

Now Rachel:

Posing Ass End In The Oven With Shoddily Prepared Potatoes, Fake Gold Knife, Old Masher, Sloppy Teapot & Iffy Generic Canned Gravy As A Stuffed Rat Pretends to Give a Fuck

It's a BOOK!!! BUY IT!!!

That's all for now,
Don't get caught writing cool as ice ad campaigns for hot as turds desert towns and giving them away free on the internet.
Your Communist Vagina,
Jane Fonda

My "I Have A Dream" Speech, The Oh So Lovable Urinal Puppets & MoonDriving Out of Mormonland USA

2008-02-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

I ran into an old roommate/bandmate of mine, he also broke away from Mormonism but for whatever reason decided to stay in Utah. He has made quite a nice little life for himself and his little family up on the affluent east bench of SLC but it is obvious that he is perhaps a little too comfortable and looking for conflict where there needs be none.

"THE REPUBLICAN SENATOR HATES BLACK BABIES!!!..." he shouted while waving the local paper in his hands. "...AND THE MORMONS DON'T EVEN CARE AND NEITHER DOES THE MORMON CONTROLLED MEDIA!!! INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM IN UTAH EVERYONE --- COME SEE!!!"

A crowd of fellow Utahns gathered around him and they shook their heads in disgust.

"Why I NEVER" they said as they testified about the truthfullness of Brad and Angelina adopting everything in site, in Africa and Korea and other brown places I mean.

I waited til they were all finished patting each other on the back before I climbed upon the stump at which time I gave the following short speech:

"Brothers and Sisters,.." I cleared my throat, "Bells about racism, when rung from the ivory towers of well to do white males, living atop the whitest hills of the whitest cities on earth, tend to ring with the colorless clang of guilt, the tinny tone of self righteousness and the empty echo of presumption." I patted myself on the back and climbed back down. "Thank you now go home."

Then I went off, trudging through the cold slush in my suede clogs, totally wrecking them, which was good because I have no idea where I got those shoes and I was only wearing them as a joke.

I arrived at my photo shoot and unloaded the urinal puppets from my suitcase. Of course the photo shoot was great, at one point I almost started believing that the urinal puppets could really talk and when we stopped using them it was like that time I saw Jim Henson take Kermit off of his arm letting him slump to the ground DEAD, Cept this wasn't a frog, it was a pee stained urinal with a purpleish salt pellet. BUT IT WAS STILL ADORABLE!

When it came time to drive back to SF the forward gears of my transmission were all fucked up so I had to drive the whole trip backwards and in reverse To add to the misery, my door wouldn't close and the wind kept catching it, nearly ripping it off it's hinges, not to mention the side effect of using up 10 gallons of gas for every 20 feet of travel. I tried to find some twine to fix it, but I was fresh out of twine.

It's kinda like I moonwalked out of Utah, people were waving as if I was just arriving.

Utahns, easily fooled by simple magic.

Now Rachel:

Rachel - Deitada

all your friends already ordered THEIR book COPY THEM!!!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught self-righteously calling people out on their self-righteousness
Your Favorite Smartest Most Awesomest Black Person Who Stands Up For Boob Eduaction of ALL TIME,
Tyra Banks

A Mormon Farmer Mom's Down's Syndrome Decor, More Pantsless Shoe Befuddlement at Bateman's Dairy & Sloshing Down Taqueria BLVD

2008-02-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

I went over to my childhood best friends old house yesterday to reconnect with his family and what not. Over the years his mother, a hefty woman straight off the farm had taken up redecorating for whatever reason that causes women to move the furniture around every five seconds. Her taste was very unusual for an old mormon woman, she covered the walls with glowing drapery and had every hallway changed so that there were no right angles which made it very interesting to navigate. There is a good chance that her contractors had Down's syndrome. Stuff was jank city.

I was happy to see that even though they were growing old on the farm they were keeping up with the latest gadgetry. i was especially fond of the computer/microwave/chicken rotisserie. the bird inside made my stomach yell stuff.

Not sure exactly why I suddenly felt an urge to walk around naked in the old house but I'm not one to deny the spirit, I learned that in church. It was all fine and dandy, my old friends didn't give a shit about my free swinging balls but all the new kids were trying to bust me so then it took one million years to find my pants.

BTW, If I take my shoes off, I can guarantee they will find their way into a giant pile of shoes and someone will steal one of mine leaving me there trying to find the match while constantly weighing options such as just wearing one shoe home or revolutionizing the fashion world by wearing mismatched shoes. ZANY!

Later back near home a girl I once photographed who is also a photographer was pointing a knife at me and asking me how I do certain things in photoshop, then she tried to seduce me for answers. I made up a bunch of bullshit until one of my rockstar friends showed up and intimidated her into silence.

Oh yeah, if you haven't been down to the new Taqueria blvd the city has been pushing off on to tourists, you really should cause it ain't gonna last long. First of all the lines at the taquerias are way too long with way too many yuppies and idiots wearing Uggz and the actual all you can eat serve yourself hot taco/nacho bar they installed AT GROUND LEVEL into the left part of the sidewalk, while SUPER AWESOME TO BEHOLD, is very easy to not notice causing you to step in the refried beans and rice and pork and chicken etc.. I was only there for ten minutes and I saw at least 20 people step in the taco bar condiments. Shame really. I nearly cried. Not really.

Also, you should drive your go kart down there if you go because that's what I did and it's always a good idea to copy me. Scrape your wheels along the curb for maximum sparks!

Now Rachel:

Rachel - SkyCam

ALLOW ME TO REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE A BOOK FOR SALE

That's all for now.
Don't get caught dumping beans out of your sneakers.
Your Least Favorite Nacho Topping,
Mike Huckabee