LOSING THE BABY WAIT...

More stuff!!!

2008-07-06T17:06:00.002-08:00

I have been in Houston for the 4th! I was excited to see my husband after 2 weeks and spend 2 1/2 days together!

Yesterday, while Mr. D. was in rehearsal, I was alone window shopping in Pottery Barn Kids... I was totally having a great time and then I think I started to have a mini-panic attack. My heart was fluttering and I left the store and had to walk around a "real store" (Ann Taylor Loft) to make myself feel better. To my major surprise I look up and see Mr. D. walking towards me... his rehearsal had let our early and he saw my car at PBK! So he was there at the end of my freak out and told me with a smaile that I had better "pull it together" 'cause this is for keeps!

Is this normal? Am I panicking because of our baby... or the fact I still feel pretty "fake" about the whole thing... or is it because Pottery Barn Kids is so freaking expensive and I know I will never be able to give our daughter "everything" we want her to have?

I am going to stick to window shopping at Target for the next week or two.

Mr. D. told me this morning that he dreamed we got "the call". He said that we were there at the hotel in Houston and got "the call" to come get our daughter. We were calling all of our friends and family to tell them we got "the call". He also said that he dreamed we were going to name her Katherine and call her Kate. I asked him if he wanted to name her that for real and was relived when he said no. Katherine is pretty... but we already have a name we have picked out!

Add this to my dream that the baby was her. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought for a minute she was in a bassinet next to the sofa in the hotel. After a momentary freak out I woke up more and realized there was no baby yet and the bassinet was just a laundry basket!

I have major baby brain!

Today we also got a statement from our agency for the next payment installment and the completed approved homestudy! Wow... I think I am feeling a little freak-out-ish.

I drove back home from Houston this afternoon.... I have several more days of teaching camp before I go back to Houston on the 14th for opening night.

That is the cliff notes version of my life right now... I will post more soon!

It's today!!!

2008-06-20T04:48:00.003-08:00

UPDATE - 10:45 pm
To tired to write the whole story.. but WE ARE APPROVED!!! Our social worker stayed for 5 1/2 hours and most of that was just chit chat! Nothing hard... nothing weird... Just like dinner with a friend.. ok... a friend who is REALLY interested on your views on parenting.

Now we just wait for him to prepare our paperwork and sign off on his report! The paperwork and home study hurdles have been jumped... More details later...

So so so so so tired!

Zzzzzzzzz.....

Our home study is today sometime between 3:00 - 4:00!!!! I am so excited!

The only downer is that we had arranged for a cleaning service to come in and do the basics so we wouldn't have to worry about bathrooms and dusting window sills etc... but they called yesterday and cancelled because of an emergency... so we will be cleaning our own house... just like we usually do! Bummer!

Here is the plan for the day...

Morning:
Mr. D. works (he has a voice over for cartoon netw*rk)
Me - clean bathrooms... baseboards... and dust and polish the furniture... make iced tea!

Afternoon:
Mr. D. - grocery shops (Our new bff the social worker is joining us for dinner!)... Cleans cat hair off the upholstery (pray our bff doesn't wear black trousers!)... Vacuums and mops. Preps for dinner.
Me - Go teach at my theatre camp... TRY to focus

I will finish at 2:45 and rush home... hopefully I will have time to change and fix makeup before the doorbell rings! (I am really hoping he arrives closer to 3:45 or 4:00... but we can't count on that!

On the menu:
coffee or iced tea when he arrives
dinner: 5:30 pm
ravioli with vodka sauce (thank you C*stco)
some veggie... maybe a grilled mix
Italian bread with olive oil and dipping spices
for dessert... whatever looks pretty at Centa*l M*rket
a nice red wine... only if bff accepts the offer first...
iced tea and coffee

I am nervous... but I don't know why. I feel great about our home... especially since the "room that might be a nursery" is looking almost like a full fledged nursery... complete with crib bedding rocker... everything! I am very secure about our relationship. I know we will make great parents and that our home is warm and filled with love... So what am I nervous about? EVERYTHING!!! Will we say the wrong thing??? will our bff decide we are to happy as a couple and don't need a baby??? What if he hates our house??? What if he thinks three kitties and a pup are way to many animals around??? What if our pets misbehaved and he thinks we have no control over the living things in our house??? arrrggghh.. What if he is allergic to cats??? What if he stands up and there is cat hair on his black trousers??? What if I burn up the whole dinner??? What if he just doesn't like us??? There are so many things floating through me head today.

Just pray for us today.

It is 8:10... a great time for me to start scrubbing bathrooms!

2008-06-11T04:42:00.002-08:00

We interrupt our wonderful vacation for some fabulous news!!!

OUR HOME STUDY IS SCHEDULED FOR JUNE 20th!!!! YAY!!!!!

We will arrive home on the 15th and have 5 days to whip the house into shape and get ready!
I am thrilled and just can't wait!!!

Our vacation is going great! I have so much to share... but just have been to lazy to post! The first 5 days were spent with my mom in North Carolina... we window shopped at every baby store within 30 miles! Which was so fun because I may not see my mom again before we have a baby. I was very hesitant to allow here to buy anything... but I did come away with 3 onsies and 7 pairs of socks that look like Mary Jane's... so the girl won't be totally naked!!! When things feel right I will register and then mom can go crazy with the MasterCard if she wants...

We also spent 2 nights in Savannah... one of my new favorite cities... so rich in history and tragedy! We took a twilight carriage ride through the city and heard ghost stories, ate at Paula Dean's LADY AND SONS, did the hop on and off trolley tour, and stopped in the most beautiful church in the world and lit a candle for our daughter. It was so romantic and sweet! We also ate two of the biggest chocolate covered strawberries in the world... I am not kidding... they were the size of my fist!!!!

Now we are at the beach... our beautiful condo in Seaside, Florida.... well ... not "ours" be we rent it every year so it feels like ours. The days are the same as always.. beach... nap... eat.. makeout...coffee... beach... dinner... shop... then fall exhausted into bed. This time we rented bikes to we ride the 1 1/2 miles to Seaside and back... it feels good to get a little exercise before eating a huge burger and banana split!

So that is it in a nutshell... we have 3 more days on the beach then home. But we are excited to get to because we have a home study. Then Mr. D. will leave for 4 whole weeks to do a show in Houston and I will drive up on weekends when I am not teaching at my two summer theatre camps.

I will post more pictures of vacation soon... but now I am off to the beach!!!

Small town visit...

2008-05-28T04:53:00.003-08:00

I thought that the second I got back from "small town five hours away" I would blog the whole experience. I thought that I would be bursting with news and excitement... and I was... I just have been spending the last week processing everything and I felt a little selfish with the experience and wanted to just share it with my husband for a few days first... it was that wonderful.

The five hour drive was easy. We listened to a Steve Martin autobiography on the way and it made the time fly by. I knew that we would be in a time crunch to get there so I thought I was being very smart by washing my hair in the morning, not curling it, and bringing my car adapter to use my hot rollers on the way so my curls would be fresh and bouncy. I rode in the car in my sweats and picked out a fresh little black and white capri set to wear at the interview. We were already running a little late... I told M that we would arrive between 2-3 pm and we were booking it to get there by 3:15... so.... I plugged in my rollers and what???? The adapter wouldn't work! Plugged in my cell phone... boom... adapted worked... rollers again.. nothing. I started to panic and my sweet husband looked over and said... "I think your hair looks great straight"... I I just let it go. I did my makeup and changed my clothes in the car and we pulled into town at about 3:20.

We borrowed a GPS system from a friend to try out and it worked great.. until we got into town. "You've arrived!" she said right in from of the most dilapidated scary old building I have ever seen. I started to panic! I had visions of some fake adoption agency where they took your money and you never saw then again. We were just about to pull in and see what was up when we realized the address was off by 2 blocks... whew.

We pulled in to a much cuter building! My agency is so small that it also triples as the family law practice and real estate office! As we walked up I said I was scared and asked Mr. D. if he was scared too.. he said "there isn't anything to be afraid of... we are just meeting them!" My husband is wise. We opened the door and a little dog that (No kidding) looked EXACTLY like our beloved little Truman ran up and started jumping into our arms. I looked at Mr. D. and we both smiled and took it as a good sign. We met M. and her mother who also works in the office and a few others... we toured the office and then met in a small boardroom. Everything was so comfortable and homey. They were transferring records onto a new server so there were boxes around.. but it just added to the casualness and actually helped put us at ease.

Snuffy the sweet puppy sat in Mr. D's lap for the whole meeting! M. told Mr. D. all the stuff about the agency that she and I had talked about on the phone. She took so much time with us and told us many adoption stories and warned us of the "crazy out of control" feelings that we (especially me) will feel at some point of the process. She said "don't ever spend time worrying about thing like "I really want to call M. and ask where we are but I don't want to be pushy" she said... "Just call!" She promised to talk us (me) down and help us (me) get through the wait. She said "somehow.. I swear.. I think the adoptive mom develops the pregnancy hormones... and we all... just... get a little crazy.. it is part of it!". She adopted her daughter from Russian 3 years ago and shared with us that she is beginning the process again to adopt another little girl. She also said something else that I thought was very wise "When you finally start the adoption process... It starts to feel that your baby is out there somewhere and you can have panic about wanting to find them... it is such an out of control feeling and it is my mission to help you get through that until God brings us your baby."

She asked us what we really wanted... beyond a "healthy baby"... did we have any specifics? I looked over at our bright pink homestudy binder and said... "we really want a girl... is that ok?... can we just ask for a Hispanic or Caucasian or biracial baby girl?... Is that ok?" And she said "We can do that. You want a daughter. I totally understand." Just about then her gorgeous four year old little girl E. walks in a climbs into her arms. "She just woke up from her nap" she said "we are very casual here... we brng our kids and pets with us to work!" It was like magic! We spent the next 30 minutes talking and laughing with E. while she had a mid afternoon snack. She told us about her puppy (still in Mr. D.'s lap) and about her little sister they were getting. She told us that she was born in Russia and that she wanted to be a mermaid when she grew up. It was charming and perfect and wonderful.

After and hour and a half we left with hugs all around. On the way out we looked down and saw a tiny hand print in the cement in front of the agency... snapped a picture because it just felt like another sign. We talked about names and drove quietly on the way home. We both just felt so amazed at how perfect everything went.

It was a very good trip... and I have made the trip another hundred times in my mind since then... So forgive me for being a little selfish with the story... I just needed to keep it in my heart for a while and process it all before I shared. It just seems so real now...

...we are actually going to have a daughter.

paperwork... check.

2008-05-21T17:34:00.009-08:00

Paperwork is done!!! (OK.. almost done... I still have to proof a few things and photocopy everything for our records... but we are soooo close to done paperwork I can taste it!)

Mr. D. and I went to the beautiful Japanese Gardens in town and worked on the last few questions on Saturday... we are fingerprinted... all of the financial stuff is gathered... we have put together a few photos for the agency... and we have the most organized color coded and tabbed binder in the world.

We will be taking a road trip on Friday to "small town 5 hours away" to meet the people at the agency that will be handling our adoption... did you see that I just typed "our adoption" like it might actually be happening. So.. there should be pictures and stories coming from our trip.

There are 5 days of school left.. actually four since I am taking off on Friday... then we will leave town for two weeks on vacation on the 30th (only 9 days away!) We are going to North Carolina to visit my mom... Savannah, Georgia for a couple of days in a fun new city... then to our yearly beach condo trip for a week of pure bliss in the sand! When we come back I hope they will be ready to do the home portion of our homestudy... then I will teach (2) two week theatre camps and spend the rest of the summer resting... gym-ing... and trying to be patient.

The other small news is that Mr. D. and I bought something for the room that will someday be called the nursery but is now called the "sitting room". We found a small wardrobe and record cabinet on Craig*s L!st for only $60. Imagine them totally refinished.. probably white shabby chic style. The wardrobe will be for clothes since there is no closet in the room we don't call a nursery and the record cabinet will be a perfect changing table / toy box once we change to safety hinges and refinish. It will be a nice summer project for Mr. D. and I when we are trying not to spend money on the long summer days off.

Things are getting exciting... Am I moving to fast? Sometimes I get so nervous that this isn't real. But it feels so great to have a plan... so right now... while I am feeling hopeful... we are starting to plan like there might actually be a baby in that room we don't call a nursery.

busy... busy... busy... my fingers hurt from typing.

2008-05-14T05:24:00.003-08:00

I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have posted...

I feel like I haven't stopped typing about myself and our lives in the past two weeks! We are almost finished with all of our homestudy documents. The questionnaire is now 34 pages and we still have about 6 questions to finish. Then I need to revise and check it all like an English teachers since most of it has been answered very "stream of consciousness". We are still waiting for a little bit of paperwork to come in the mail... previous marriage licences, Mr. D.'s college transcripts... etc... and we still need to do to the city jail to be fingerprinted. Then, we will take a 5 hour road trip to far of small town to drop off this tick binder of info. Then... we wait for the actual homestudy visit.

In the past two weeks we have told our families and many of our friends what our plans are. They have all been very supportive and are very excited for us. I have spent hours in my traditional OCD type A personality googling baby furniture and cloth diapers... but there is no way I have the guts to actually purchase anything... I guess that is what infertility does to you. Mr. D. and I also ventured into the mysterious Babies!RUs to see what all the fuss is about... and honestly I almost had an anxiety attack. I was totally overwhelmed. So I think I will wait until we are a little closer to an actual child before I make actual purchases.

There are 12 days of school left and then Mr. D. and I will get out of town around June 4h for our annual vacation. We are going to visit my mom in North Carolina and then back to the beach condo for a restful week. I start teaching again on June 19th... I am directing a theatre camp for 10 days and then teaching technical theatre a a different camp until July 10th... so the first half of my summer will be very busy.. which is why we wanted to get all this paperwork stuff done before school is out.

OK... That is my update for now. I am off to work a 14 hour day at school for the next two days because we have our final performances of the year the next two nights!

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.

A brand new type of day 1...

2008-04-30T17:20:00.006-08:00

Today we signed and mailed out our first adoption paperwork and sent in our first $1500 to Agency #1... the small agency 5 hours away. We are now working on all the homestudy paperwork and gathering all the financial records and all the other stuff that you have to do. My fingers are tired from typing up all the homestudy questions the last few days but I wanted to check in and let you know that we are officially in a line.

I am planning a longer post later this week... but I just wanted to check in and make a little "record" of our lovely morning.

On the way to work I stopped at the CVS for a pregnancy test... watch one line appear as I drove to the post office and mailed in this first step... and that was the very beginning.

Making room for new dreams...

2008-04-27T06:13:00.003-08:00

We are signing with an adoption agency this week. It is becoming more real every day... we are working on home study questions and I have begun to pull together the mounds of paperwork that will hopefully prove that we are worthy to love and raise a child of our own.

There will be more about the whole process to come. But for the last few days there has been something on my mind. I feel like it is time I let some dreams go to make room for new moments... so with you as my witnesses I am going to say goodbye to a few dreams that I have had for myself. Although we never know what the future holds... for now I am letting these things go so they can be replaced by new dreams that perhaps I have never even thought of

Goodbye to the dream of...

Watching the two pink lines appear on the pregnancy test

Getting to be the one that lets Mr. D. in on the secret that we are expecting a baby.

Having the first ultra sound and having Mr. D. hold my hand while we hear our babies heart beating for the first time.

Telling our parents in some uber-creative way that they are going to be grandparents... mine for the first time.

Announcing on my blog that I am pregnant and having all my reader friends congratulate me and support me through the scary parts.

Standing in front of the thousands of pregnancy books at Barnes and Nobel trying to figure out which one or three or ten to buy.

Finding out what "pregnancy pops" actually taste like.

Having my husband baby me like crazy and tell me not to lift things.

watching my baby bump grow each day.

Showing people my utrasound pictures of my little blob!

Craving weird foods and trying to guess what that means for the baby growing inside me.

Bitching about all my pregnancy symptoms.

Putting a pregnancy ticker on my blog.

Shopping for super cute maternity clothes with my mom.

Feeling the first flutters of movement in my belly.

Having Mr. D. touch my belly to feel our baby.

Having strangers want to rub my tummy.

Finding out the gender of our baby and picking out nursery colors based on a sonogram.

Having people want to be nice to me just because I am pregnant, swollen and grumpy.

Random people sharing their birth stories with me.

Drinking some sort of sticky orange flavored stuff and taking blood tests.

Having a 3D ultrasound.

Having a baby shower wearing a cute blue or pink maternity dress and balancing my plate on my tummy while people guess how huge I am with squares of toilet paper.

Going to classes to teach you how to breathe.

Looking at Mr. D. and saying "I think it's time..."

Joining the millions of women who have birthed a child and joining " the club."

Being proud of myself that my body "did what it was designed to do".

Having my baby place on my chest immediately after being born and sobbing.

Mr. D. cutting the cord.

Looking down at our child and saying "she looks just like.... (me, you, my mom, your niece..." )

I am saying goodbye to the fantasies today. I am officially making room for new things to come into my life.

*** I know that many of these things may seem unpleasant or mundane to many of you who have had a child... please please don't feel the need to say things like "maternity clothes never fit well" or "you are so lucky not to have to go through morning sickness"... because actually I wanted every single one of the experiences that come from being pregnant... good and bad. Those are the moments that you are somehow being prepared to become a mother... moments where your body is reminding you of what is to come... moments where you feel the life growing inside you. It is very sad for me to give up these moments and I grieve them. But, we are making the decision and the choice to move past that pain and step toward creating our family in a different way.

Thanks for being my witnesses.

What would you choose?

2008-04-17T05:25:00.003-08:00

Update... OMG! You have got to check out my comments to this one. I can't imagine what in the world set this woman off... but wow... I haven't had a troll like this is a loooong time. It always surprizes me when people who don't know me, my relationships, my family, and my religious beliefs find is so easy to judge me. I know I put my thoughts and feelings out in the world... so I have to be prepared for people to comment... but holy shit... does anyone deserve to be so harshly judged as this "christian" woman has done to me?... especially on a subject so benign as this one.

So... Here goes... Whatever lady. You don't know me or my life and certainly not my relationship with God. As a 24 year old very fertile woman you have never experienced the pain and frustration that I have to endure over almost 5 years of infertility. Someday, when life is crashing down around you you will remember this moment of callousness and hurtfulness that you caused with your "Godly" words of wisdom and you will whisper an apology to the fertile woman out there who you judged with your fundamentalist hatefulness... because as the bible reminds us... you will reap what you have sewn today. Someday, maybe soon, you will remember your words and regret them. And I want you to remember at that moment, when you are in despair over whatever karma hands to you, that on this day... I forgave you... because I am a Christian and the loving, generous, faithful, and kind God I believe in would want me to.

Please don't ever post here again.

How do people make this decision??? Can you help me think?

Agency #1
small agency - 5 hours away

No one has ever had to wait more than 12 months for their baby

semi-open... (updates to birth mother but no identifying info unless both parties agree)

agency matches parent and birth mother... birth mother does not choose

You get a call when there is a baby available... once the baby is born...

baby may be mixed race, Hispanic, or Caucasian with possible drug use or smoking during preg.

Takes on only 10 couples at a time... so it is more of a "numbers game" When you are in the #1 slot you are basically in line for the "next baby".

Agency believes that God will provide the "right" baby for the parents

You are given the "right" to turn down a child if you don't feel it is the baby for you... no penalty... you stay in the #1 slot until you get a child.

$19,750 flat fee for adoption... "as long as that takes"

Agency #2
huge agency in large city 20 minutes away

18 - 24 month wait

open adoption - encouraged to continue some sort of relationship with the birth mother

birth mother chooses parents.... through photos, information, & interviews

You can be chosen by the birth mother at any time... "go through pregnancy" with the birth mother

You must be open to (a) a baby that is full African American (B) documented drug use in birth mother, or (C) documented mental issues with one birth parent... if you are open to 2 of the above you may get a child sooner

Has "many" waiting families... you wait until a birth mother chooses you.

If you choose not to accept a child at birth then you have to wait until another birth mother chooses you

$150 interview fee, $400 adoption classes, $1200 home study fee, $17,000 adoption fee + any medical expenses that the birth mother may have (if uninsured and not on medicaid.)

I need advice... I am so scared to be "lost" in a big agency just out for $$$$ but I am scared of "scams" that you hear about from smaller agencies. I have had Lawyer Jen check out both agencies and both seem to be on the up and up and free of complaints file against them (I lourve you Jen!!!)

If anyone lives in my North Texas area and has experience with adoption please leave me a message about what you did... or I would be happy to send you the web addresses and let you check out the sites (I just didn't think it was a good idea to post it here.)

Love to everyone. Sorry I have been so quiet... just making plans and doing a little research... plus March is my craziest time at work!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Tragic

2008-03-12T05:37:00.003-08:00

This morning about 15 miles from my house a mother threw her two children off an overpass into oncoming morning traffic and then jumped... I am sure it will be all over the news tonight. Right now they are saying all three survived... but their condition is unknown at this time.

It is horrifing.
I am so sick about it.

How can a mother do this?

I want children so bad and someone out there, 15 miles from my house, doesn't.

why?

Why? Why? Why?

WHY???

In other words...

2008-03-08T04:07:00.003-09:00

Sorry for the uber-dramatic last post...
I really am ok.

I just don't exactly know how to take the next step... which I think it adoption.

I will see my doctor on Monday for the first time since November... I need and annual visit and I need him to either refill my Met or take me off of it... I actually think that it is doing pretty good things for my body so I like it. I also am getting my Lexapro refilled (which, by the way, has been a saving grace for me). I will sort of discuss the "next steps" with him.... which should be surgery or IVF if I were to continue with my fertility options.

It is so easy to get sidetracked during the school year from making any decisions... I am so busy... and tired... and the holidays... and my work productions... that it is easy to just put things on hold year after year... but I think it is time. I think this is our summer to make the hard decisions... so please keep Mr. D. and I in your prayers.

OK... just wanted you to know that I am not going to be jumping off any bridges... today. :)

BFN.

2008-03-06T04:40:00.003-09:00

Not pregnant...
Sunday, March 2 was cd 1.

Very busy at work.
Personally... sort of feeling like I am back in a hole.
Depression sneaks back in...
Just trying to hold my head above water right now.

Things will ease up at work in a couple of weeks... so that should help.
Just hanging on... by my fingertips.

The closet renovations

2008-02-01T18:20:00.000-09:00

The office closet AKA... Mr. D.'s closet!

The pictures don't do the work justice! It sort of just loks like we put a piece of furniture in the closet... but it was so much more work that that!!! We painted the walls a nice pumpkin color to match the office and then added all the racks in addition to putting that drawer ststem together. It really doubled our space.. at least! See the folder on the closet door... that is the very beginnings of an adoption file... it has been hanging there since August... but there are some actual forms in there... waiting...

Next... The Guest bedroom AKA... someday a child's bedroom.

I wanted to show the room... even though we didn't have to do any renovations in it. It is painted a lovely shade of lilac and is so calming... everyone just loves it! But since we don't know the gender of the child that will someday live in this room, we painted the inside of the closet a cheery yellow... so it is like a breath of sunshine when you open the doors.

We installed shelving on the side... so far it is home to my collection of children's book's and my sewing machine... there are actually three rods for clothes... one is very high (up where the pillows are now) for out of season stuff. There are 3 big drawers and 2 small ones and then 3 shelves behind the cabinet doors.

Mr. D. and I really worked together on this closet. I needed to do something that made me feel like there was hope... I thought a lot about the child that would someday live in that room... I said quiet prayers as I painted the yellow walls... I imagined hanging tiny clothes and putting away toys... As I put away my book collection I imagined reading each one aloud someday for the "first" time. Despite infertility... and despite the fact that we are sort of at a crossroads... I just had to do something... Something to make me feel like we are moving forward. Before we childproofed the cabinet Mr. D. and I thought long and hard about something to write on the wall right behind the cabinet. Mr. D. came up with the perfect note to leave for our someday child.

We loved you before we knew you.

Love, Mommy & Dad

cd 1... again

2008-01-31T05:11:00.000-09:00

This time my cycle was exactly 28 days.... in fact I was totally surprised this morning when I woke up and had started... I didn't even have the chance to be hopeful this month... which I guess is kind of good.

I have never not posted for and entire cycle... I have thought about posting everyday... but I am finding I have less and less to say. Since I am not doing any treatments I don't have much to talk about. I have seen this happen to many a blogger... it is like they slowly fade away. In fact the first several blogs listed on my blogroll haven't posted in months. But I don't want to be like that... If I end my blog I want to end it... not just string people along. But lately... well for a long time... I have felt like I have very little to say about my own fertility.

I have no plan... There are things rolling around my head... more adoption meetings... a laporoscopy... another IUI... but nothing is jumping out at me as the thing to do. I think it will be adoption... I think I am done with treatment... but I am still sorting it all out on my head and with my husband. I am in the process of giving up a dream and that (for me) is a long and very hard process. I think about it all the time... but it is overwhelming. It is sad. It is frustrating. But this is the road we are on and as soon as we agree on the next step we will take it.

In more postive news... work is fine... Mr. D. is great. Our latest projects have been to renovate our extra bedroom closet to make it kid ready and child friendly and to do the same to the office closet. We did it kind of Cal.ifor.nia Clo.sets style... but we did all the instalation ourselves. We painted the insides of both closets... put up the armior type thing with shelves and drawers... added shelves and racks and wow what a difference... I think we increased the room by about 3 times! Maybe this weekend I will post some pics... if anyone is interested.

OK... that is my update... hope there are still people out there. I will try to do better at posting...

cd 1...

2008-01-03T05:13:00.000-09:00

I was late... by 5 days... I never tested... but I was becoming very hopeful.

One more IUI either this month or next.

Then what? Who knows.

Back to school today... back to the gym... back to infertility.

Happy New Years!

2007-12-30T17:39:00.000-09:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR KIDS! Hope you are still out there somewhere...

I promise an update soon... but pretty much everything is still the same... I haven't tested yet but with the way my lower back is aching I would expect cd 1 tomorrow on New Years Eve... hopefully that is not a sign....

If you are still out there please post me a line... I am beginning to worry that my lack of posting has lost me some friend... or it may just be that I have started to run out of things to say... so many bloggers have disappeared this year... oh well that is another subject!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE... or to at least the two or three that still pop in...

XXOO!

1) Where did you begin 2007?
Hanging out with friends and of course my sweet husband... playing games and eating great food.

2) What was your status on New years day?
Married... teaching high school... excited to direct at "big fancy theatre"... unpregnant... about the same as now.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
yes... every freaking day!!! But at least I get to decide what we do each day... It is good to be the queen.

4) How did you earn your money?
Teaching... directed 2 shows... and actually performed in a show at "big fancy theatre."

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Not the hospital... but I did spend a lot of time at the doctor... with my feet in the stirrups!

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
no... I am pretty boring!

7) Where did you go on holidays?
Orlando and Seaside, Florida

8) What did you purchase that was over $1,000?
Well... my major fertility treatments were running about $800 a month... so there is that... we also went on a 16 day vacation, I got a great new car (a 2007 Hyundai Tucson), and most recently a new washer and dryer....

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
can't remember.. we didn't attend any weddings.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Not besides Pavarotti & Robert Goulette... Mr. D. mourned for days.

12) Did you move anywhere?
no... thank goodness.. we love out home!

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
We saw a good amount of theatre this year... I finally saw THE LION KING after avoiding it forever. I thought the 5 person Romeo and Juliet I saw was INCREDIBLE... I also really enjoyed The Pillow Man.

15) Are you registered to vote?
I will be when it counts.

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
First Eric... but when he got kicked off then the crazy dad with the bitchy daughter... and he did. (I know I am a nerd).

17) Where do you live now?
at my house :)

18) Describe your birthday?
36... on my ACTUAL birthday I was in rehearsals. I got a new supercool bluetooth radio for my car and some time at the Coldwater Creeek Spa!!!! .... Later I had a sweet party with some friends... played Mexican Train... ate cake... the usual.

19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
I rode THE HULK roller coaster at Universal Studios all by myself! I got to direct at the Casa Playhouse (that was a full circle kind of thing for me). And... not to be pathetic or depressing... but I did "offically" venture into the world of "assisted reproduction"... which sucks.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Spending a long beach vacation with my husband... just the two of us!

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
That I am stronger that I thought I was... but that I sometimes need to ask for help.. and that is ok.

22) Any new additions to your family?
No (way to rub it in)... but my bff had her second baby in March.

23.) What was your best month?
June... out of school and on the road!

24.) Any surgeries, and if so, on what?
Not exactly surgeries... more like "proceedures"

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Andy!

26) Made new friends?
Yes!!!

27) New best friend?
no

28) Favorite Night out?
there were several... hard to choose just one!

29) Did you find love?
More love than I can tell!

30) What was your proudest moment?
Realizing that I COULD direct people over 18! And that I COULD direct my husband!

12 months about me!

2007-12-07T19:41:00.000-09:00

12 months about me!

Got this on myspace... thought it was fun! Now it is your turn!

♥JANUARY♥
1. Who kissed you on New Years? Mr. D... and friends Ric, Patrick, & Frank!
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? nope... I don't like resolutions!
3. Does it snow where you live? sometimes it sleets and we pretend it is snow.
4. Do you like hot chocolate?.. yum! With whipped cream and marshmallows!
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No... we planned it for our honeymoon but that was 2001... the year of 9/11... and we didn't feel ready to go to NYC yet.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? My hubby
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Yes... I think it was mandatory
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? no... I don't get that whole thing
4. What did you receive for Valentines Day? My husband renovated my closet and painted it a beautiful green apple color and added a chandelier... and...gorgeous red tulips, Godiva chocolates, a good smelling candle from Whole Foods, a cherry chili pepper dark chocolate bar, and some lovely bath salts!
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? I can't even remember... dinner for my husband??? Who knows... I know I did something... but what????
♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish?a little... that is where my last name comes from..
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? no!!!!
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? Probably in a UIL OAP rehearsal
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? oh yes!!! It means summer break is just around the corner!

♥APRIL♥
1. Do you like the rain? no
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? no... this day makes me really paranoid!
3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter? I got a "beach vacation" themed Easter basket... complete with a new swimsuit, towel, and sunglasses.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? no... well.. only once or twice...
5. Do you love the month of April? not my favorite.. I never know how to dress or if I need a jacket that day.

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? roses and hydrangeas
What happened to 2 ?????
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…” bring May flowers!
4. Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day? uhm... no.
5. Is May anything special to you? My hubby's b-day is on the 26th... that makes it special.. and getting out of school!!!!

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 1990
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? Big vacation in Seaside, Florida and Orlando!!!
3. Have a favorite baseball team? no!!!!

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? Went swimming and then watched fireworks on top of the Gaylord Hotel with my hubby and our puppy!
2. Did you go to the fireworks? heck yeah... we never miss them!
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? I'm sure we did... it was like 104 that day

♥AUGUST♥
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? I was in Cinderella at Bass Hall... that was fun
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? spending days on the beach with my husband
3. Did you have a sunburn? I don't burn much... I'm Italian!
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? yes!

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? teaching school...uggghh
2. Do you like fall better than summer? No
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? Not really... we did our first IUI to try to get pregnant.. didn't work.

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? Dorothy from Wizard of Oz... that was like 7 years ago!
2. What is your favorite candy? twizzlers and chocolate
3. What was your favorite thing(s) about this month? I love Halloween!

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? mine!
2. What are you thankful for? my family and friends
3. Do you love stuffing? yum. yes!

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? yes!!!
3. Get anything special last year? my puppy Truman!
4. What do you want this year? I would like to finally get pregnant and have a baby! So cross your fingers for us!

Now All You Have To Do Is Repost This As “12 Months About Me

cd 2...

2007-12-04T04:52:00.000-09:00

Well (surprise!) AF arrived on cd 25 for some odd reason. I guess that is a good thing... it saved me 4-6 days of waiting and pushed my next cycle up so it would not mean and iui right at Christmas. Now I have 1 day to decided what I want to do... If we don't skip this month then I need to see my nurse tomorrow for an u/s and start clomid on Thursday... iui would be scheduled for around the 18th. I have to talk to Mr. D. about what he thinks we should do... but I feel like this will be our last iui until we decide what the next step is... possible lap... or moving on to adoption... or something else...

I didn't really feel like thinking of all this right now... but we can't ignore AF... now can we?

cd...????

2007-12-01T05:06:00.000-09:00

Well.. well.. well... look who decided to write a blog after over two weeks! I apologise for the time lapse... but I have been so incredibly busy with school and my moonlighting that I have barely found time to do anything else!

Would you believe that I am still sick??? I am still hacking away and taking cough medicine after a whooping 5 weeks! I started feeling this cold about a week before Halloween!!!!! have been to the doctor twice & done a round of antibiotics! This week I do seem at least to finally be getting a bit better. The doctor thinks it is all allergy related that turned into an upper respiratory and sinus infections since I never ran a fever. So hopefully I am at the tail end of this. I have never been sick for so long in my life!

We had a lovely thanksgiving with my brother, aunt and uncle at my house. I went to Centr.al Market and got the entire turkey dinner there... all we had to do was cook it for 2 hours and warm all the sides! It was perfect! I felt so stressed about "warming" everything properly that I can't even imagine those of you that cook all this stuff from scratch... Kudos to you... for me it was a big accomplishment to warm up everything right!

On Friday after Thanksgiving (while most of you were shopping) I opened my big kids show of FROSTY THE SNOW.MAN at the theatre I moonlight for. The papers reviewed it and called it a "must see" and "adorable" so I am happy... it runs through December 23... but as for my part as the director I am done... I will see the show a couple more times before it closes (because my hubby is in it) but other than that I am on to the next project.

At school we open our next show on Wednesday... I am the technical director and my co-teacher directed. So I will be in rehearsals all weekend to make sure it is ready to go on Wednesday. So I have another crazy week ahead.

I have no idea when I will Christmas shop... I will probably do what I usually do... knock it all out in one 8 hours shopping and wrapping frenzy. I have no clue what anyone wants (including myself) and I just wish people would give out lists!!!

As for ttc.... basically we have not. I mean not even tried. We were supposed to try right at Thanksgiving but both of us were so busy or so tired or so sick that we didn't. So if there was an egg it was wasted. I am thinking about doing another clomid cycle as soon as AF comes (probably next week) and I am also thinking of skipping another cycle and waiting until January.

So that is it... my last two weeks in a nutshell. I will try to post more often. Thanks for being concerned about me! I still visit your blogs every day... even when I don't have the chance to post! Miss you all!

cd 1

2007-11-08T04:16:00.000-09:00

blah....

I have some thinking to do...

Today is cd 1. I saw the doctor yesterday and I have a sinus infection and bronchitis. Nothing to serious but I am on antibiotics for the next 10 days and they gave me some heavy duty night time cough medicine with codeine (yay!). So hopefully I will be feeling normal again soon...

Of course AF started today... which means I have to decide what I am going to do this cycle. That would mean a doctor appointment tomorrow and that means cd 14 (and possible IUI) would fall right on Thanksgiving. I know... that sucks. I also have to factor in that I will be on antibiotics for the first 10 days of my cycle... although the doctor assured me that it was ok. I could just save the approx. $875 this month and try au natural. I am inclined to skip this month because of all the holidays and the show I start directing on Saturday. Life really gets in the way of all this infertility stuff.... It just sucks ass. I feel like I never know what the next step is... and that is really frustrating... I guess I could just ask to do a clomid only cycle and you know... have sex... What do you guys think???

I did have a very nice birthday. My mom sent me a lovely necklace and a check to go shopping. My brother called and sang happy birthday to me, my co-teacher bought me some lavender crocs... which I looove!!! My students gave me cards and flowers, a Starbucks gift card and my varsity class even had a cake for me! My dad forgot to call... (typical) my brother called him at 9:30 last night to "remind" him about my birthday (at my request)... and then he called... I just didn't want it to be awkward when he realized that he missed my birthday (again).... he never knew that I was behind the "reminder call". My wonderful husband had a really nice stereo system put into my new car... it has bluetooth and a jack for my mp3 player along with all the other bells and whistles that I don't understand yet. He also have me a spa certificate that I can't wait to use on a massage as soon as I stop coughing. His card was so beautiful... it was white and silver with Cinderella's carriage on the front... so so pretty.

Off to work... I have some decisions to make about this cycle.

why can't this be easy?

I can't believe I'm 36...

2007-11-07T04:25:00.000-09:00

Happy Birthday to me...
I am officially 36.

I am still sick... need to go to a doctor... My cough is getting so bad I am not sleeping.

BFN this morning at 17 dpo... with a digital.

But... I am still in a good mood.

Just a quiet good mood.

Happy Halloween!!!!!

2007-10-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

Here is my very own made from scratch Halloween survey!

POST THIS ON YOUR BLOG OR YOU WILL HAVE ALL KINDS OF CREEPY SCAREY HALLOWEEN-ISH THINGS CRAWLING OVER YOU TONIGHT AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT!!!!!

Bwahhahahahaha.......

Favorite Halloween Costume as a Kid: Snow White in kindergarten... my grandma made it and paid attention to every detail! I still have it!

Do you go out on Halloween or stay home? We stay in and make chili and wait for the millions of trick or treaters.

Funniest Costume - Probably Cruella DeVille... I made my ex be a giant dalmatian!

Ever won a costume contest? I have won two. Once I won a THOUSAND dollars in a bar for my Jackie Kennedy & JFK... it was tasteless... it involved a perfect likeness for both of us... and a head wound... a THOUSAND people! The other time was with Greg and we won $500 for Sexy Little Red and a very bare big bad wolf.

Do your pets dress up for Halloween?
duh... watch the slide show!

Are you dressing up this year? I have a fancy witches hat I will wear at school... but other than that I will just be in my Sinister Sweet Candy Factory T-shirt and an orange sweater.

Favorite Halloween Candy - Twizzlers... and anything chocolate.

Halloween Traditions?
Watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"... eating chili and frito pie!

Candy or Caramel Apples? Caramel with nuts and chocolate chips.. on yummy granny smith apples!

Do you like candy corn? No way!!!! Disgusting!

Is Halloween a major holiday at your house? Yes!!! It is probably my favorite next to Christmas.

Worst Halloween - When I was 9 my mom went religious zealot on us... instead of trick or treating we went to "Hallelujah Night" at church. We got to dress up like our favorite bible character!!! All the girls were Mary! I was Moses' sister and I carried a babydoll in a basket... no one had a clue who I was... and they wouldn't let you be any of the fun girls like Delilah or Jezibel... cause you know I would've... My brother and I still give my mom a hard time about that one.

Feel free to add to this survey... and pass it on!!!

Have a Happy Halloween!!!!
xxoo,
Jamie

cd 24

2007-10-30T04:13:00.000-08:00

This is my 400th post.
wow.

I don't really have much to say... I have been sick with allergies / a bad cold since last Wednesday. I don't feel bad enough to stay home from work... but I have just been out of it and not able to sleep at night because of the congestion.

On Saturday my brother and I spent the day at my dad's house and visited with my aunt and uncle and my Dad and his wife. We carved pumpkins which I will "reveal" tomorrow... for those of you who are new... I am a pumpkin carving freak! You can check out the last 3 Octobers for my "work" and the work of dear Mr. D....

Sunday... I just laid around and napped.

Yesterday I went to work... blah blah blah... it is really hard to be patient with the kids when you don't feel well. Today will probably be the same... I guess if this icky-ness hangs on much longer I will need to get to a doctor.

I will be on my own tomorrow for Halloween... Mr. D. has rehearsal until 9... this stinks because Halloween is one of my favorite holidays... I love making a big pot of chili and waiting for the trick or treaters... I have all my full size candy bars ready... But it won't be the same without my hubby. My brother may be coming over and my bff and her family (if the kids get over their sickness!) This time of year in Texas is so strange... the weather is incredible... 75 and beautiful and EVERYONE is sick! I am really looking forward to the first freeze to kill off all the junk in the air.

Well that is it! I will try to have some Halloween pics for you tomorrow!

PS... I could test this weekend... but I really have no plans... not really feeling anything out of the ordinary.

cd 17

2007-10-22T04:07:00.000-08:00

Fall is here!

We had a very busy weekend... babysitting for a friend...IUI... pet fair... museum... dinner with friends... pumpkin patch... movies... and lots of errands! I can't believe it is already Monday! Here are some fall pics for you! I am off to work!

cd 14... updated...

2007-10-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

Saw the nurse today...

I had 2 B-I-G follies... 26 & 28.
Triggered today... the injection site is mega sore!
IUI Saturday morning at 8 AM... so much for sleeping in!

Wish us luck... here we go again.

Saturday...
IUI is done.
It kind of hurt this time... mainly the speculum positioning part...
19 million sperm and 2 eggs.
Now all we do is have more sex and then.... 2ww.