Hopeful to Hateful in 28 days

Religion

2008-09-17T23:39:00.002-05:00

What to do when it is 12:45 am & you can't sleep- write a blog post!

I've got religion on the brain. Such a complicated, confusing thing. A little history about me. I wasn't raised in a very religious household. Despite the fact that I had a grandfather who was a Lutheran Pastor, my parents and I never belonged to a church nor was I ever baptized. Flash to present day: I am yearning for something. It comes and goes depending on circumstances in my life. Sometimes I feel like its all good, I'm a good person, I have my own personal relationship with God- enough said. Other times (like now) I feel almost desperate to belong to a church, to be baptized. Especially now that I have a daughter I feel like it is important. Ever since I became pregnant I have prayed daily for her health and safety. Now I feel like I need to have her & myself baptized. But first we need to join a church and I don't even know where to start with that. Adding more to this confusion is my husband's current view of organized religion. He was raised Catholic but has grown to question things. He describes himself not as skeptical but as looking for holes in what is supposed to be the truth. He is curious about all religions of the world & despite his slight aversion to church, thinks about religion often. The problem is that we are not exactly on the same page with where we are regarding religion. I am moving towards Christianity and he is moving away from it. So, how do I pick a church? Do I go alone & then bring my daughter when she's old enough? Do we compromise as a family?

This is what I'd like to believe:
-There is a God watching over us
-Heaven exists (although i think reincarnation is pretty neat too)
-God loves all of us
- That God hears our prayers (although, I don't really know if he can doing anything about them- I see him as being watchful, but removed)

This is what I'm not sure about:
-Why bad things happen

I don't like these things:
-The idea that God punishs/is wrathful
- Satan (don't think I believe in it)
-overly preachy, in your face religion/people
-scare tactics/guilt in church
-that there is only one way (i.e., my religion is right, yours is wrong)

I want to go somewhere that I feel loved. I want my daughter & I to be baptized so that we can join our loved ones in Heaven someday. I want an open-minded church that is more on the liberal side. I looked into Universalist Unitarianism and like it but I'm not sure about it because it isn't Christian. I like it because it is accepting of all religions and its members claim all sorts of religions. Perhaps a good compromise for my family right now? Part of me feels loyal to the Lutheran Church because that is what I know best. Who knows...

Anyone have wise thoughts for me?

PS- Please don't beat me down for any of my thoughts- I'm just trying to find my way.

Question about pregnancy

2008-08-29T22:57:00.002-05:00

I have a friend who is currently pregnant after doing IVF. When we were talking I told her that I loved being pregnant. The whole experience was such a blessing and I would LOVE to go through it again. She totally disagreed and said that she didn't like it & was done after this. The conversation made me wonder- does infertility make you enjoy a pregnancy more, or is it ultimately the pregnancy itself (i.e. whether you have morning sickness, how uncomfortable you feel, etc) that determines your opinion?

Personally, I would think that anyone who has struggled to conceive is thrilled to be pregnant & cherishes every day of it. That being said, I know that worry plagues many of us (me included!) Worry aside, I thought it was an incredible experience. But did I feel that way because I had a smooth pregnancy & delivery or because I wanted it for so long? A little of both probably.

Now I want to know from you. if you got pregnant after suffering from infertility did you love being pregnant? Or did symptoms/worry keep you from enjoying it?

Annoying Little Things

2008-08-25T22:59:00.002-05:00

Well, it is midnight and I can't sleep. I've been staying up so late to watch the Olympics but now that it is over I haven't adjusted. I tried to go to bed at 11 but instead laid in bed thinking about how annoying it is to not be able to fall asleep when you want to. Then I started thinking about other little things that annoy me. Then I started thinking that maybe I should give up on sleeping and write a post about things that annoy me. My cats are at least happy that I came back downstairs :)

Things that Annoy me:
1. Not being able to fall asleep
2. Having to pee a gazillion times before going to bed. Especially when you are just getting comfy but then you get that nagging 'have to pee' feeling. Ugh I hate that! Then I have to tip-toe past my daughter's crib hoping not to make a sound because then she'll wake up just enough to flip herself onto her tummy. Of course, it never fails that I step on EVERY squeaky spot on the floor.
3. When my daughter rolls over onto her tummy to sleep. Especially when she does it moments after I have peed and gotten back into bed.
4. Stray hairs. I can always feel that itchy/tickle that there is a stray hair on me but I can't always find it. I especially dislike when they are in my shirt or on my face.
5. No soap in the soap dispenser. There is something really icky about wanting/needing to wash your hands and not having any soap in the soap dispenser. That used to happen all the time in a bathroom at my old work. It drove me crazy! For days I would assume it had been refilled and then find out that after using the bathroom there was no soap to wash my hands with. Ooh, I also hate it when there is a soap dispenser that has that anti-bacterial hand gel stuff in it but I thought it was soap. I want to wash my hands with real soap & water!

Well, I'm no more tired than when I started, but I think I'm done with my bitchfest.
What annoys you?

They Mean Well

2008-08-22T13:56:00.002-05:00

I was the recipient of some ass-vice yesterday. They meant well, but still.

I had a physical yesterday. The doctor told me I need to lose 10 lbs. I realize that I still need to lose some weight but I just had a baby 6 months ago! Don't I get a longer grace period?!?! Was the nearly 50 lbs I have already dropped not enough?!? I was feeling quite good about the fact that I am about down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Then she said the thing people love to say to an infertile that has a kid, "well the next time you'll probably get pregnant without any problems- that always happens". While I'd like to be optimistic and think this might be the case, it irks me for the following reasons: 1) You are getting my hopes up. What if #2 is not easy? What if it takes just as much pain/effort/stress/money as it took to have #1? It would still be worth it, but don't just ASSume that because I had one baby I am cured. I wish it were that easy. Admittedly, I have probably said that same annoying statement to someone else. I'd like to be a believer, but until it actually happens to me I can't ASSume anything. 2) By telling me that next time will be trouble free you are essentially saying that my fertility problems were never valid. Not that I want them to continue, but don't make me feel like my infertility was just a one time fluke (or just stress related.)

Then there was the lady in my neighborhood that told me I should go ahead and get pregnant again so that I can have my babies close together. Again, she meant well... but how do I explain to her that it's just not that easy (I don't).

My daughter is 6 months old. I can't believe how fast she is growing. A year ago I was breathing a small sigh of relief that I'd made it through the first trimester and now here we are. Amazing!

Reporductive Jeans

2008-08-13T10:40:00.001-05:00

Has anyone heard anything about JJ at Reproductive Jeans? I have been checking her blog a lot and there haven't been any updates since Aug. 3. I am really worried about her.

I am the Worrier

2008-08-04T21:46:00.002-05:00

Isn't there a song called warrior? An 80s song perhaps? Well, I am not the Warrior but rather, the Worrier.

Was it infertility/miscarriage that caused me to be such an overprotective. worrying mother? I am curious to know if other people out there feel like their worrying is attributed to past struggles with conception. I know every new mother worries, but i feel like I am worse than most people I know. It is relieving for me to talk to someone that investigates things they way I do. For example, i was talking to a friend last week about baby food. I said I wasn't so sure about Gerber baby food in the plastic containers because it has the #7 on it (aka- it contains bpa). She said she'd already been to the website & found out that the containers were bpa free. I was so happy to hear this because a) I can buy gerber baby food and b) someone else worried about it before me! A lot of times if I bring up my concerns people just shrug them off like, "who cares?" More examples: My little girl is starting to sit up on her own. She is still very wobbly though. A few weeks ago she fell backwards while sitting and hit her head on the floor. She didn't cry, it didn't leave a mark, & she seemed fine but for the next several days I worried that she'd seriously injured herself. Then there was the time when she was only a few weeks old & I accidently blew air up her nose with the snot sucker. I thought I'd given her brain damage...the pediatrician laughed and said I'd only given her a 'rescue breath'.It is not fun to be a worrier! All I want is for my baby to be safe and healthy and I will do everything in my power to protect her.

So, it is bedtime for me but please, if you are a worrier & feel that it is linked to the infertility let me know! I will feel so much better to know that I am not a total freak.

***Disclaimer: obviously I had the worrying gene before becoming a mother. I remember lying in bed as a child worrying about an escape route in case we had a fire. However, after the struggles it took to have my beautiful daughter I truly understand how precious she is.

Update

2008-07-17T07:40:00.002-05:00

Hi blogland friends! I just wanted to say hi and give an update. I have been such a bad blogger lately. There are numerous reasons why:
1) I do not have a lot of free time- funny how sitting around the house with a baby keeps me so busy!
2) I don't feel quite right talking about motherhood when so many people reading might be saddened by my posts

I will say that I am extremely happy. My daughter is 5 months old & she is such a joy. I love her with every bit of me. I resigned from my job so I am officially a stay at home mom & hope to be for as long as we can afford it. The summer is going well- we are making lots of trips so that friends & family can meet the baby. She is a good traveler.

I really do hope everyone out there is well. I often feel guilty for not writing on this blog more...I don't want anyone to think that I used your friendship when I needed help coping with infertility & now I've dropped the friendship. Things are just hectic now & my focus has shifted away from infertility. I hope to give periodic updates & check in on you when I have time. My comments go to my email so even if the post is old, say hi & I'll say hi to you too!

Keeping my fingers crossed for more miracle babies in blogland!

Motherhood after infertility

2008-05-10T22:07:00.002-05:00

This is beautiful:

Waiting for the Moon

My friend called today
tears in her voice
Her period started
and her dreams for a new baby are postponed
yet another month.

I hold my infant to my breast
eager mouth tugging and pulling
little hands patting and stroking.
My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years
did I kneel and weep
pressing my hands to my empty womb
rocking on my heels
pleading with cruel fate
"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears
as I felt my youth slip away
moon after moon
cycle after cycle
month after month
year after long year

My grief was indescribable
unendurable
mourning a child not yet conceived
only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived
but lost in pain and blood and tears.

Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.
These are the things that defined my young womanhood.
eight years of eternal emptiness
years defined by the Moon
By blood
By hope and by tears.

II

I have not missed those cycles
the moon rising within
the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure
and rather than by a lunar month
I am
defined by nursing
by a small demanding mouth
by the fullness of my breast
by rich sweet milk that drips from me
and flows life and love to my child.

I will not (cannot) forget, though,
the years my womb wept blood tears,
the months the shards
of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision
another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me
I am bound to the Earth, to the small body
of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles
and seeks and heals my tattered soul
and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,
but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman
first published in Midwifery Tod

the next time

2008-05-01T21:14:00.003-05:00

My husband wants to save our tax rebate for kid number 2. What he means by this is that he wants to have money saved if we need fertility treatments in the future. This is probably smart considering the amount of money we spent trying to conceive before. What bothers me is that I might have to go that route again- caught up in a vicious cycle of treatments, disappointments, frustration. I hope that next time we just magically get pregnant again because thinking of being back where we were a year ago exhausts me. I'm sure it sounds weird that here I am with a 10 week old and I'm already worried about the next time. I want to not worry about it. I want to be carefree and effortlessly get pregnant. I want to find out I'm pregnant weeks after the fact so that I'm already through the first trimester before I've had a chance to worry. Errr... this is so frustrating! I will never be able to let the past go. Getting pregnant is almost like an obsession.

I hope I don't come across as greedy. I have a beautiful daughter but I'm talking about another. I'm definitely not ready for another. I want to enjoy this time with her and my husband. We are so happy now that she is in our lives. But still, in the back of my mind there is the fear that someday we might be back at the doctor's office, looking at follicles, and suffering through 2 week waits. Somehow, by no one's fault, I already feel pressure to conceive again. I hope that next time (when ever it may be) comes easily. I don't want to revisit the pain of the past.

I'm being sort of guarded and rambling. I want to convey how very much I am in love with my daughter. I feel so grateful that she is in our lives. I suppose what I am trying to get across has nothing to do with her. It has to do with the toll that the infertility takes on a person. I dread the thought of having my life controlled by it again. Unfortunately it became a huge part of my life and is not easily forgotten.

Next time, when we're ready, I hope that we will get pregnant the old fashioned way. And if it happens as a surprise in the meantime, that would be even better. :)

"Plans for birth control"

2008-04-10T14:48:00.002-05:00

I had my 6 week follow-up appointment (well, it was 2 weeks ago...I've been meaning to post about it!) One of the things the doctor asked us was what our plans were for birth control. We sort of laughed and said that honestly we had no plans for any since it was so difficult to get pregnant in the first place. He encouraged us to use something for at least 6 months because it may happen more easily since we are not as "stressed" and "anxious" about trying to get pregnant.

I really like my doctor, but I have 2 problems with this.

#1 We can't be those people that can plan when they will get pregnant. I threw that idea out the window a LONG time ago. While it would be nice to say "When the baby is 2 we'll start trying for another one so that they will be about 3 years apart" it is not going to happen like that. We're going to just go ahead and let the sperm swim where they may (oh, come on- 'the cards fall where they may' just didn't have the same OOmpf).

#2 His statement implies that our infertility was our fault. (i.e. the stress was the problem). I don't doubt that the stress didn't help but the last thing I need is to feel that I somehow could have controlled it. I feel like he was making light of what I think was a serious problem. Infertility is not recognized as a legitimate medical problem & that ticks me off. Some doctors don't recognize it, insurance companies ignore it, and people who don't experience just don't get it. I feel that it IS a legitimate medical problem and it is not something the patient can control (nor should they be made to feel that they can)

So anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

PS Is anyone else excited that The Office is going to be back on tonight!!!

Happiness is...

2008-04-01T10:51:00.002-05:00

...taking a warm bath with your entire household in the bathroom with you. While I was in the tub hubby & baby came in so that baby could be soothed by the sound of the running water. He left the bathroom door open so then the 2 kitties came in. Hubby was sitting on the (closed) toilet with the baby. One kitty was sitting on the edge of the tub, the other plopped on the bath mat. In that moment I couldn't have felt happier (seriously, this is not sarcasm). I LOVE my family!

Letters from my RE

2008-03-28T09:42:00.002-05:00

We sent a birth announcement to our infertility doctors' office. I wanted to say thank you & share the good news of our daughter's birth. After all, they had a large part in helping this dream come true. (although part of me wanted to write in the note "hope we never have to see you again!") Anyway, we received 2 letters in the mail from the doctors congratulating us. That really made me happy. I didn't expect any sort of response, but I thought it was really thoughtful of them to write back. It is nice to know that after all the time we spent together that we did form a sort of partnership towards the goal.

In totally unrelated (but fuuny) news. My cat likes to suck on the breastmilk soaked bibs when the baby is done eating. As sick as it is I find it to be hilarious!

More hopeful, less hateful

2008-03-25T20:59:00.003-05:00

I've been playing with my blog today and thinking about its future. I want to continue sharing my thoughts, but also realize that now my thoughts revolve around my new baby and motherhood. I want to be sensitive to those reading that are still struggling to get pregnant. My hope is that people will be happy to hear about my new role as a mother. So, here is a new twist on my old blog- there will still be thoughts on infertility (I will never be free from it) but I will also share a lot more about life as a mom. I hope you'll continue to support me!

*New & Improved: belly cast picture (I finally got around to posting it!)
links to other success stories

She's here!

2008-02-27T00:00:00.002-05:00

My baby girl is finally here. On February 16th I gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Words cannot express how I feel. For so long I wondered if she would ever be a reality. Now here she is- little and perfect and the love of our lives.

Baby Shower

2008-01-27T11:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had my baby shower. My mom and a family friend threw it at my house. It was really exciting for me to have so many special people gathered together to celebrate with us. In attendance were coworkers from past and present, family members, high school and college friends, neighbors, and other friends.We got a lot of wonderful gifts but more importantly I got the feeling that they were genuinely happy for us. It suddenly made me realize that all these people who have watched our struggle with infertility were really excited and happy that we are at this point. It warmed my heart immensly to know that they had been behind us all along, from their individual corners of our lives, praying that one day we'd be successful. This baby is loved more than she will ever know. Loved by so many more than her parents and grandparents. She is loved by all the people who love my hubby and I. The people who have waited with eager anticipation just as we have. These people don't all know what the struggle is like or even fully understand what we've been through, but they were there yesterday and our joy was theirs.

The Belly Cast

2008-01-23T16:42:00.000-05:00

For Christmas my husband got me a belly cast kit. It is a kit containing plaster coated strips that you soak in water and then apply to your pregnant belly. After a few minutes the cast hardens and VOILA! you have a permanent mold of what you looked like at 9 months. An extremely sweet and sentimental gift.

Too bad I threw up on mine.

We decided to do the cast this weekend because it was a 3 day weekend and as of this week I am beginning my 9th month (i.e.- we don't know how much longer I will have this big belly). I sat in the kitchen while my hubby applied the cold, slimy plaster strips. For about 40 minutes I was the perfect model- sat perfectly still, enjoyed the process, etc. Then I started to get uncomfortable. The chair was pushing into my back, I had to pee, the strips were cold. My dear husband said "Pretend this is labor and breathe through the discomfort" Then I went from uncomfortable to ill. The cast began to harden and I felt my every breath was being constricted. Panic started to set in as well as nausea. "I need the trashcan!" I said as I vomited down the front of my beautiful belly cast.

The kit came with a brochure of pictures showing how different people have decorated their belly casts. Some had it glazed with bronze paint, others wrote their child's name across the belly, while others still used it for a canvas to showcase abstract artwork.

I decorated mine with puke.

*update* After getting sick I instantly felt better and was the perfect model yet again. My husband wiped the cast clean and covered it with several more layers of plaster. It has hardened and is beautiful!

Update

2008-01-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

I'm still here! Sorry to those of you who have been concerned about my whereabouts. Everything is great. I am 36 weeks pregnant- entering the ninth month and getting very excited.

Thinking happy thoughts for everyone in blogland!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all! I hope this upcoming new year makes a lot of wishes come true :)

Remembering Ump...

2007-12-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

...on what would have been his 1st birthday.

Today would have been the 1st birthday of the baby I miscarried. A year ago this date loomed throughout the month of December. What should have been a joyous due date turned into a reminder of the Christmas baby I wouldn't have. A year later it still stings. Thinking of what might have been. Thinking that we would have had a one year old today. Damn those mailing lists that send me diaper coupons or Sear's portrait studio flyers "in honor of my baby's first b-day" (Why did I let Motherhood Maternity sign me up for that stuff so soon?!?). I look at those, get a twinge of sadness, and promptly put them in the trashcan. I miss my baby and what might have been, but I picture him in Heaven- my little angel.

I may never know if you were going to be a boy or a girl (boy to me), or what your name really would have been (Umpadoomp is a fine little nickname), but I will always know that you were my baby and I love you very much.

PS Thanks CRDG for remembering :)

Fifths Freakout

2007-12-14T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am a teacher. I work with some wonderful, but germy little people. Recently a virus called fifths disease has been circulating through my school. Now, for most people fifths is no big deal. You get cold like symptoms and a fever when you're contagious and then several days later when you are no longer contagious the signature "slapped cheek" rash arrives. The only people that really need to worry about contracting fifths are pregnant women who have never been exposed to it before (i.e.- ME) If a pregnant woman contracts it she can pass it on to the baby and it can cause life threatening complications. Perhaps this hasn't come across in this post yet, but I am SUPER worried about contracting fifths disease. If I hear that a student in my school has it I practically break down in tears and run screaming from the building. My doctors don't have very encouraging words for me either. They're like "it can be very dangerous. Let us know if you have direct contact with someone who is contagious and we'll do a blood test to see if you have contracted it." Great, so basically I have to wait until after I've been exposed (because you really don't know until the kid gets the tell-tale rash). It is so frustrating and makes me feel like I have little control over it. I am washing my hands to the point that they are dry, bright red, and shriveled. I am particularly worried today because the sibling of one of my students may have it. That would make it highly likely that my student gets it and spreads it around my classroom. Today I freaked out and left work. I know people think I am being overly paranoid but I feel like screaming "It took 3 years of fertility treatments and one miscarriage to get here!! I am not going to let some snot-nosed student take this baby from me!!!!!"

What the heck should I do? My options are:
a) Keep going to work, washing hands obsessively, and praying that no one in my class gets it
b)Stop working 2 months before I am scheduled to stop- make no money and piss off my students' parents and principal.

I can't just quit my job but I also can't worry everyday that I will contract something that could kill my baby. Please tell me I am not the most paranoid person on the planet...

Help JJ!

2007-12-04T16:22:00.000-05:00

Hello Ladies (and Gentlemen)

I know that many of you know JJ at reproductive jeans. She is an amazingly supportive blogger and is very well known in our little community. She also happens to have a fabulous voice (I know because I've heard 2 songs that she's recorded!)

Anyway, she needs your help. Please think about purchasing her holiday cd (reminder: JJ has a great voice). You can buy it through her blog (follow my link to reproductive jeans on the left). All proceeds will help pay for her next infertility treatments.

If you can't buy the cd right now at least stop by and give JJ some encouraging words. We all want her to be successful on her journey to parenthood!

22 minutes of battery life!

2007-12-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

My laptop doesn't have much juice, so this will be brief. Update: 29 weeks pregnant, entered the 3rd trimester, still thanking God everyday that I've gotten this far. Thought of the infertility community several times recently. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I don't remember what it took to get here and how many people are still struggling. Its hard for me because I want to be in contact, but I want to be respectful and not write about every happy pregnancy thought I have. But you are ALL in my thoughts ALOT.

2 fertility related stories:

My recent "GRRR" moment: My husband has a very fertile friend. They have a 2 year old and when they got pregnant with her he actually complained that he'd "been jipped" because they only "got to try once" before getting pregnant. Poor guy.(sarcasm) so, they're pregnant again and this time he is complaining that they were going to plan it so that she got pregnant in January. "Darn" he said "I didn't expect us to get pregnant in August, 5 months before we were planning to try" ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME?!?! So I said "It must be nice to plan it. We'll probably have to start trying right away in case it takes another 3 years" To which he replied "Well, we're on opposite ends of the fertility spectrum but you just have to take what life gives you." YEAH, thanks buddy. Easy for you to say since you're on the good end of the spectrum. Grr... people can be so insensitive!

EEK! 14 minutes of battery life left....

Happy story. I finally went back and saw my fertility docs today. I've been wanting to visit for a long time but was afraid to for fear of jinxing something. Today I said "To hell with superstition" and I took my baby to meet the nice people who helped create her. They were all very happy to see me & my big belly and it was like a happy reunion. I'm glad I went. I'm sure they enjoy hearing that their work pays off. I can't thank them enough.

11 minutes of battery life. Better go before the computer threatens to turn off on me.

You're in my thoughts!

Success in the world of infertility!

2007-10-25T18:50:00.000-05:00

I am so happy to say that Princess Smartypants had a healthy baby girl this week!!!! Good things do happen to good people!

Shout it from the rooftops!

2007-10-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

Our baby appears to be healthy and normal!!!!

The most beautiful word I know- healthy, healthy, healthy!

And, it is a GIRL!!!!!

Oprah and Ultrasound Anxiety

2007-10-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Did anyone see Oprah today? It was about surrogacy and infertility. I was crying at the 1st couple's story. They decided to use a surrogate in India. They were telling about their pain and experiences and the joy they feel knowing that someone is carrying their baby. Oprah and Lisa Ling kept joking about how the husband had to take his sperm sample to the IVF clinic in a rickshaw. The wife found humor in it too but she had a response that struck me. She said "You get used to giving up all dignity and do what you have to do." Isn't that so true? Many of us were probably shy about gynocological exams before going through infertility. Now I would guess that many of us are like "Hell, I don't care who looks, if someone can solve the problem." There is no room for modesty or pride with infertility. If you really want to reach your goal you have to be vulnerable.

Another question posed by Oprah was that some people might view the surrogacy as exploiting the Indian woman. The infertile said, "I see it as women helping women." That hit me because I immediately connected it to the blogging community. We are women helping women get through this painful ordeal. I cried throughout the show because I felt such a connection to these people. Well,ok, to be quite honest, I stopped crying when Martha Stewart's daughter came on. I appreciated her demo on the many drugs that someone goes through on an average cycle, but I don't think I want her to be the infertility spokeswoman.

I was glad Oprah did a show on infertility but I would still like to see a show that features more of a roundtable discussion between people who are going through it. I think hearing us talk to each other about our experiences would help the fertile world understand even more clearly what it is like.

In other exciting news, I am going for my 21 week ultrasound tomorrow. I've been really excited about this because this is the u/s where we find out gender. Then all of a sudden it hit me that the real reason for the u/s is to make sure that everything is ok with the baby. This (of course) has made me nervous as hell that something will not be ok with the baby. I am now a ball of nerves waiting for tomorrow afternoon to come. I pray that the doctor will give us reassuring words and that the baby will look 100% healthy. There is no reason to think something is wrong but it still makes me worry (what doesn't make me worry these days!?!?)

I will be back tomorrow night with *hopefully* wonderful news!