Boof's Bergblog

Comfortably Numbed

2008-07-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

June 29, 2008
Spooner, WI

Tom: You know, why didn’t you just get 2-4packs of Chicken McNuggets? Isn’t that cheaper?
Nic: yeah it usually is but not here. The Chicken McNuggets here aren’t on the dollar menu for some stupid reason.
Tom: oh really?
Nic: yeah, apparently.

The past weekend I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I’ve been trying to keep my mind from wandering and reminiscing. I woke up on Sunday and I thought for sure that it was a dream. I nearly convinced myself that I just had a one of those strange nightmares that make you hold your head and wonder what that was all about.

I open my drawer to find a clean shirt to wear and I blindly take the first one that my hand finds. It’s my Roger Waters’ In the Flesh tour t-shirt from the 2000 tour when we (myself, Marc, and Nic) attended. At that point I need to sit down and compose myself. I then put on some music from my computer to lighten my mood and on comes a tune from Sarah McLachlan. Usually Sarah McLachlan is sad enough but Nic was nearly in love with Ms. McLachlan ten years ago whenever he saw a video on TV. I just can’t seem to think of anything else.

At this point I need to take a leak. I again try to lift myself up with the tired old question, “What’s the best nation in the world?” I then give a smile and think to myself, ‘urination’. However somewhere, I hear Nic’s ghostly voice saying another popular answer with, “Insemination?”

The first time I met Nic, I went over to Marc’s house when I was in 3rd grade. I threw a basketball at Nic's head and he retaliated by hitting me repeatedly with a hockey stick. It was really scary since he was three years older than me and I really threw that ball pretty hard. Since then we’ve been battling back and forth through more comedic, peaceful ways.

My parents still recognize him as being Marc’s brother, the alter boy. They still refer to him as the alter boy even when he’s been at least 18 from breaking the bread. I remember running across the church just so I would be in his line for communion. When I finally reached Nic he would roll his eyes and sigh.
“*sigh* oh no, body of Christ…”
“amen. amen-amen-amen-amen-ame--"
“pfff okay, gosh hehe.”

When I was a freshmen in high school, Nic was a senior. He would see me digging in my locker and tell his big, football playing friend to scare the crap out of me. The big friend would slam my locker shut and lightly push me into the locker. I wasn’t very scared because I could see Nic giggling behind him so I would often look up to the guy and say “huhuh, do you want a coupon?” which would break whatever fake tension was there and make us all laugh a bit. I always felt really good about being a freshman and joking around with seniors.

I know in high school he would carry around a card of David Gilmour in his wallet. He even sang “On the Turning Away” when he was in choir. I remember being curious and I borrowed “A Momentary Lapse of Reason” from him and I’ve been forever addicted to Pink Floyd ever since. I remember after that Roger Waters concert listening to Pink Floyd in his new apartment. He was especially fond of "Comfortably Numb" and we would compare different versions and give explicit contentions for why our favorite version was best.

It was always great to mention the famous version which included Van Morrison singing Gilmour’s parts. Nic hates….hated Van Morrison. We always get into musical wars which would always end up with both of us either running away or hitting each other. I would sing Moondance and he would respond with Loverboy’s Turn Me Loose.

After we were tired out with our personal musical distastes, we would move on to raunchier topics. I remember for about six months whenever I would see Nic he would greet me with,
“So, how was sexual intercourse with your mom?” and he would laugh at my nauseated face as I gave him a sickly frown told him to shut up. Finally one day I responded with,
“Sexual relations with my mother were really good. You should’ve seen it…” and I would go into complete explicit detail until he was the one doubled over wearing the frown.
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Good god that’s disgusting!”

It’s also ironic to know that the most popular comment this week has been that “it comes through in waves”. I know I’ve certainly felt that decided uncomfortable numbness in that there’s so many things that make me think of him that it’s so hard to take a simple drive, walk, and nap without trying to not think of him and all the good time we had. It feels so disingenuous to try and think of something else but it’s painful to know that we have to use past tense whenever we mention Nic now.

Nic was the first person to ask me if I took a dump in my shorts after I finished the marathon. Nic was my main competition in the illustrious White Castle eating contest. I remember playing football when he broke his collarbone. I came back to the house when I saw him sitting on a chair, four feet in front of the tv, holding his collar bone. He was watching Beavis and Butthead trying not to laugh because it hurt so much,
“hahahahah oww oww oww! oh crap! Behhahahahha oww crap!”

It’s bad on so many levels. Other than the obvious, seeing most of your friends in so much sadness and pain makes you want to do anything to make the feelings stop. I called up all my friends and made sure that I was there for them if they needed anything. After I hung up the phone I was wondering if I was the one that needed the most help because I always looked up to Nic. Nic was Marc’s cool older brother who was the human resource for music information. I always thought he was amazingly talented in music and art in general. He designed our 2nd grade yearbook cover and from that point on I felt he could’ve done anything with his drawings. Certain catch phrases like, ‘superfluous tubuoles’ and ‘mighty tighty whities’ will forever be linked to him in my mind.

Nic was the person who I would constantly refer to as “Bob Wells” in this blog. I referred to him as “Bob Wells” because he bought an authentic Bob Wells Twins jersey. Wells was a horrible set-up man for the Twins in 2000 and 2001 and certainly one of the last players that anyone should buy a jersey bearing his name. I still sit back and laugh about that. Only Nic would have me remember a struggling bullpen has-been like Bob Wells. He was there for Milwaukee and KC when we budged in front of little kids and ran the bases. He drove us to the Black Hills and Yellow stone on two separate occasions. He was there when we were very tired and loopy from a ten hour car ride coming from the Black Hills when we acted like buffalos having intercourse. He was there when we were watching Apollo 13 at the drive-in when we were in our parkas on that brisk October night. We had to roll the windows down in order to keep the windows from fogging up with our own breath.

I’ve been battling the sadness for a couple days now and I don’t know what I need. I’m going to be alright but I just need a little time. I’m dreading the wake and funeral because there’s still a piece of me that wants to believe that I’m going to wake up soon. I find it most difficult trying to explain to people about my/our loss. I waited until yesterday to call up my Mom because I honestly didn’t know if I had the strength to tell her without breaking down. Like Justin (Hog) was telling me, “We should be in our 70’s doing this, not in our 20’s”.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t necessarily feel so sad about losing Nic. I guess I just feel completely blessed that he was a large part of my life and gave me so much to laugh about. There so much that reminds me of him and it’s hard to imagine a world where he isn’t there giving sarcastic remarks while eating out of a bowl on that couch saying,“That’s too bad. Ah well, what are ya gonna do ya know?”

My last moments with Nic involved me acting like I was passing a large stuffed teddy bear through my colon and losing to him in poker. The last conversation I had with him involved chicken McNuggets which started this entry. I’ve been thinking if that was really the way I wanted our last conversation to end up. To be perfectly honest, it is. When a friendship starts out with beating one up with a hockey stick, I think it’s more than appropriate that it should end with a topic like Chicken McNuggets.

What a wonderful night for a Moondance...

It's Not Extraordinary!

2008-07-16T21:18:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since the book of love
I can't count the tears of a life with no love
A-carry me back, carry me back, carry me back
mm-baby, where I come from

I know I've already bitched about my family reunion and that Mondays are usually days I have reserved for my complaining but I can't take it anymore. I can't take all this bullshit about the All Star Game and the stupid little games associated with it. I don't mind the competition for what it is, exhibitions. It's when noteworthy people start complaining about it, then I start to get pissed.

First of all, lets not all have an orgasm over what Josh Hamilton did. It's a great story that he's been able to revive his career after drug addiction but the home run derby is not the pinnacle of his success. They're not going to make a Disney movie and end it with him slugging out 28 homers in the god damn derby. At least I certainly hope not.

Lets get one thing straight,
Josh Hamilton being selected (by the fans) to the All-Star Game = a touching sentiment in his revival back to baseball.

Josh Hamilton hitting 28 home runs in a home run derby with a 71 year old throwing lollipops = entertainment of the night.

All night I kept on hearing about how "amazing" it was. Words like "outstanding", "incredible", and "unbelievable" were being tossed around endlessly. It was as if he carried the game of baseball on his back. I even heard Tim Kirkjian (whom I respect as a baseball writer) say how it was impossible for a guy to hit it 500ft. Ugh, it's not impossible. It's happened before and most notably in Yankee Stadium.

It's not amazing! It's not outstanding, incredible, nor is it unbelievable because it's almost expected when you think about it. It's a 71 year old man serving up complete cupcakes to this All-Star hitter in a ballpark that was made for left handed hitters. I'm actually more surprised that no one could hit more homers than they did. Think about it, the hitters know what's coming to them, they simply wait for the 60 mph cupcake and drive it out as far as possible.

That doesn't take talent! It really doesn't.

Now holding a bat at the plate with a pitcher who has a breaking curve, nasty slider, flame throwing fastball, and a very deceptive change-up is something else. That actually does take talent to try and figure out what pitch is coming and to try and catch up to the 97mph fastball after a series of change-ups and curve balls. It's always impressive when someone can identify a fastball on the fly and nail it out of the park. The cupcakes these guys were hitting though, isn't incredible. It's not even batting practice.

I may not be able to relate to hitting against a 90+mph fastball but I have had an assortments of meatballs thrown to me before. I haven't had much of a baseball career but if I was thrown 30 meatballs, I *might* be able to knock one out of a mlb park (especially with Yankee stadium with a left foul pole at 318ft) and I'm serious about that. If I could hit a home run, then I would expect mlb All-Stars to hit 20 times what I could hit. It's not that hard considering the pitches being thrown.

And lets not forget that these hitters in the derby are not the most prolific home run hitters of our time. No, they were simply the hitters that accepted an invitation to hit some dingers on a Monday evening. Morneau was the last to accept and he's only had 14 on the year.

With all that being said, I do think the derby could gain some greater meaning in terms of charity. Instead of one (or is it three) signs that say "hit it here for $$$$" lets have like twenty various signs. Lets have a large sign in the centerfield "dead area" where you hit it and $5000 gets automatically donated to the Boys and Girls club. Lets have the foul poles represent and automatic donation of $10,000 (or whatever amount) to the YMCA and perhaps a giant sign in right and left center field which would be 530ft out there to represent $3,000,000 to the charity of the hitters choice. Those are only a couple examples but it would be so much fun to see all the money going to charity and you just might convince the major power hitters to take a crack at donating money to charity. That would be an event that would excellent in so many ways.

The Reunion

2008-07-15T00:19:00.001-07:00

Now I never thought I could feel a sadness that could bring me so down
And I never thought there'd be a time where my heart had no song

This last weekend I attended another family reunion--the second in two years (thanks grandma). This is what I wrote for the last reunion we had a couple years ago. My uncle held it at his house and it was actually pretty fun. I learned that my Iowa family came from Wisconsin and I got to see a lot of old pictures of some relatives. It was actually a lot better than I was dreading.

This year I still had the dread, I was still a bit stubborn about going, and I was hopeful that it would turn out nice.

It was indeed dreadful.

It started out with my brother being an hour in a half late to pick me up which didn't bother me too much but why couldn't he call? He also refused to leave the radio on one station so I tried to ignore it but I just....couldn't. He'd flip through all the stations until he found that one song that he was looking for and then flip around some more. I think he did more flipping than not.

He'd leave it on a station with Zeppelin but it wouldn't be good enough.
He'd then switch to a station with Melloncamp--okay but that wouldn't be good enough either.
Then it was Maroon five (which I'm glad he changed it), then Carly Simon, Bob Dylan, some Rap, and finally he'd hear the most annoying punk song and he'd leave the station right there. I was not in a good mood.

We finally arrived at the Knights of Columbus hall where we all were meeting. Everyone parked in the designated parking spaces in the back of the joint except everyone who wanted to brag about their car where the handicapped were supposed to park right up in front. We drove up and saw a Lexus, Benz, Caddy, Caddy, and another Caddy all parked right up in front, right in a row. They might as well have just left a piece of paper with the size of their penises in those spaces with how blatantly obvious they were trying to be. I say this because every year it's the same thing between my dad and my uncles. They all feel this need to show off their vehicles and one-up each other. A couple years ago Suburbans were all the craze and everyone had their waaay oversized vehicles. Even if they had to travel long distances (like my dad) and they could've saved some money driving a suitable car, they would still drive their gas guzzler because they had to brag. This year it was the luxury car since gas prices are so high. It's not as if they're rich because they're not, it's more like they are hard working middle class folks who want to have the identity of being rich. That's what really irritates me.

So we head in the Knights of Columbus hall. We were a bit late and we entered with everyone sitting down and eating. I've always considered my family to be a large one but with everyone sitting in this smallish room it doesn't seem as big. Everyone was eating right away and my bro and I sat next to our parents and made small talk with everyone around. After that it was just mingling which is extremely boring for me.

I hate mingling. I need an activity. The last reunion we had horse shoes, a football, and a four wheeler to mess around with. For this one we didn't have anything but tables and chairs and being inside on a wonderful day. I need something to do while I talk so I don't have to stand and talk about stupid shit like "What I'm up to nowadays" and "if I still work at MMM". I find those questions to be elevator questions. Like, if you see a longtime acquaintance in the elevator and you ask what they're up to. You don't really care, you're just trying to make small talk to pass the time. I find it stupid and a waste of time. I know others like it and probably care but it's probably just the introvert in me. It's also why I believe these family get-together's should be every 5 years because then it's like a brand new slate and the small talk questions would seem more genuine.

Every year I attend the yearly get-together and I'm always mad that not all the cousins come. There are 14 cousins and nine ended up coming: five of which live in-town so they basically have no choice but to come. Because all the cousins never show up (or want to show up), I've wondered if these get-togethers are only for the aunts and uncles. After all, they once lived together and they have a good times to reminisce. Us cousins only hung out maybe once a year and never really established much of a bond or have much to talk about. I guess it's just a matter of a simple conversation but every year it's like starting over. Every year everyone calls me Tim and my name was even spelled wrong on the family tree. Such details usually don't faze me but this is my family. Even acquaintances at work get my name right, why can't my extended family know the obvious difference between me and my bro?

So anyway enough of the family catharsis. My brother and I then walked over to the county fair for a nice break from the old folks mingling. The county fair was great for the shocking factor.

For instance my brother and I walked towards the "midway" and we were questioning if the fair was even open. It was 4pm on a Saturday and usually this is a prime fair going time but there wasn't a soul there. There were only carneys. We walked slowly amongst the 6 small rides with the carneys leaning on their fence and eyeing us up. It was almost like walking in a zoo where the carneys were in their own little cage and begging us to let them out. There was one hot dog stand that looked deserted and a grill that had like 5 young waitresses waiting around. This was truly a bizarre scene.

My brother and I then walked to the nearby 4-H building and 4-H is something that I will never understand. Inside were a bunch of projects that various kids in the area had been working on. There were some beautiful quilts, some really good craftsmanship, and some interesting reports on various things like photosynthesis and soil horizons. Then there were projects that looked like they were bought at Ikea and simple structures made out of legos. Someone even brought in a Wii system and received a ribbon for that. I wonder if I could take a dump in a pair of shit-kickers and receive a ribbon for that?

It was pretty cool for us cityfolk seeing the animals. The 4H kids were in the pigpen and slapping the pigs with fly swatters in an effort to keep them from walking along the sides of the pen. It was good entertainment actually. Then there were the horses, sheep, and cows which are always nice to feed.

I almost wanted to stay there for the night because they were having figure 8 racing where you end up seeing car crashes in the middle of the figure 8 but I didn't because 3 hours of Iowa is too much as it is. They did have a demolition derby the night before and I remember my aunt taking me to one when I was like 6 years old.

It was a very awkward day. It's not like I dislike my relatives but I just feel uncomfortable going through the same cheap conversations every single year. It's almost like we need to take a train ride somewhere together or find some sort of common ground so we can all naturally get to know each other. Whatever, until the next family reunion.

The Nightmare Scenario

2008-07-07T21:34:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna inject your soul with
some sweet rock 'n roll
And shoot you full of rhythm and blues

I'm sorry, I don't feel like talking about the Twins today. That 1-0 game yesterday really pisses me off and I'll end up writing like 4000 words on dumbass Gardinhire.

Brian Bass?!? Okay I'm done.

I keep on getting reminded by notable NFL media types that Brett Favre going to the Vikings may not be such a dream. Peter King, of all people, even said in his "Monday Morning Quarterback" article that Favre in purple is a possibility.

After all, the Packers are now primed for Aaron Rogers at the helm and not a 70 year old Jesus even though Jesus is signed to be a Packer in 2008. So either they swallow their pride (and their 2008 season) and go with Favre or they release him or they send him a sudoku book and hope to god that he stays retired so he can "keep his legacy" (aka: doesn't screw them in the ass by playing for a division rival.)

At first when I heard the possibility of Favre going to the Vikings I stood up and immediately started 'shaking my ass' with an asshole grin and my waving my middle finger towards the east. I believe the words, "BWAHAHAHAHA SUCK ON THAT PACKER FANS!" came out of my mouth.

Then I sat down and thought about it pensively.
There was a loop of Favre highlights on TV when it eventually stopped on one image of number 4 just after he took his 3 step drop. It was a classic Favre pose right before he throws it directly at the defensive back.

My mind started taking over and I remember his yellow and green melting into a jersey of purple and white. The theme music that I had in my head went from "Mamamana" to "The Unforgiven" and my heart started beating rapidly. I then started thinking of all those Favre purple replica jerseys in the stands and how very wrong that that would be.

It was like I just woke up from a nightmare. Then I imagined my dad calling me up and telling me the "news" after two months of constant Favre going to Minnesota talk. After all Dan Patrick said it best, if Favre goes to the Vikings then ESPN would start their pregame show tomorrow for the Vikings/Packers season opener.

Dad: Did you know that the Vikings signed Brett Firve*? That's kinda neat don't you think?
Boof: no, DAD, that's not neat.
Dad: I mean you used to hate Firve and now he's on your favorite team. I suppose you have to root for him.

*My dad has trouble pronouncing last names.

Brett Favre in purple downright scares me in so many ways. I actually have a bit of panic over the scenario.

Imagine if Favre were to actually be successful. Imagine the Vikings are leading 30-0 heading into the 3rd quarter. Favre is lighting it up and with every touchdown I'm completely torn. It would be very tough to root for a guy that I've rooted against for so long. I mean it's great but it seems so wrong. I imagine this scenario at my relatives Thanksgiving,

Aunt: So, sounds like Favre's been a good quarterback for you guys eh?
Boof: It's not just Favre, I mean if it wasn't for the waterboy then Favre wouldn't have the necessary hydration in order to do...the things he does. He's still a mediocre quarterback okay! OKAY!

It would be having a dream where you're experiencing the best blow job ever. The tongue is going everywhere it's supposed to go and---oh, even that spot. It's so incredible that you don't believe it. You open your eyes and....

It's your mother.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
You look up to the ceiling in horror but it feels so good and 'a mouth is a mouth' but....it's your mother. You then weep and moan until you wake up drenched in sweat and wondering how in the hell you're going to look at your mom the same.

I'm sorry, that's what it would be like. I can imagine myself and Hog watching a Vikings game and looking at each other like we really don't know what to do. Imagine the Vikings winning the superbowl due to some sort of heavenly Favre heroics and Minnesota spooging over the guy like Wisconsin does? All those Favre highlights of him sporting the purple and ESPN acting like crazed groupies over a Minnesota player?

Of course the obvious scenario is him being a Vikings quarterback and him throwing like 5 interceptions a game and then the Packer fans would be like,

"yes! He's still actually a Packer at heart! He's killing them from the inside" ugh

I hope to god that he stays with the Packers and ends up sucking so bad

My Morning Crap

2008-07-06T23:39:00.001-07:00

We'll find a way
We'll go out
Out for a day
And I want it so bad

It's probably not a good idea to type cathartic things onto the computer while you're sitting in a bathtub in ice water but at this point I don't care. It's too damn hot and I'm sick of having a huge fan blowing on me from 3 feet away.

Also, how about those Minnesota Twins eh? They're still kicking opponent ass right now! More on this tomorrow...or the next day. Don't hold your breath.

Crap LIst

1. My Morning Jackets newest CD

I absolutely and helplessly love alternative country. Show me a band with creative ideas, some really decent writing, and slide guitar and I'll be somewhere nearby. My Morning Jacket has always been one of my alternative country mainstays and would like to keep it that way.

I was a bit late in buying their latest CD but I've always kept it in mind and finally I bought it through itunes as my first album (of many) that I bought online in its duration. I read up on the reviews of the new album online and everyone was raving on how it will be album of the year, best MMJ album ever, and continuing to push the envelope of the alt-country genre.

Before I go on, let me give you a taste of what I love about My Morning Jacket.
-One in the Same
-Lay Low
-At Dawn

Those were the best youtube clips I could find but go look up those songs on Rhapsody or whatever because they give a good example of what MMJ is all about. I think of MMJ as great road trip music when you're in the midwest. Like picture this, riding off into the sunset after a good weekend of drinking and going nuts and playing MMJ on the way home while winding down in the back seat.

After buying the new album, the first songs pops up on my itunes. Give a listen,

"Highly Suspicious"

(blink:blink)

What in the god damn hell is THAT?!? When I heard this song I looked back on the track list with a huge look of disgust, back at the song, back at the digital cover of the cd, and then nearly threw up. I really thought I picked the wrong band like My Afternoon Jacket or something like that. This could've been the most disappointed I've been from an album since... Van Halen III with Gary Cherone. When I heard VHIII, I tossed it across my room. This MMJ album was downloaded so I couldn't throw my laptop across the room even though I wanted to.

What happened to the ride in bumblefuck nowhere with the hangover in the backseat? Where's the country? What happened to my genre?

Of course one song does not make an album but...there's not much country on this album. In fact itunes gives it the "alternative" title instead of "country" like their previous albums.

Maybe another example of a bad album would be Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow when she "falls in love" and "is happy" and "everything in the world is beautiful" and all that shit. What happened to the Surfacing days when the world was hopeless and people were stalking her (Possession)?

2. The Things you hear at the baseball games
I've been continuing my habit of buying tickets from scalpers outside of the venue and for Twins games I generally just want to see how good of a ticket I can aquire. It's more the thrill than the actual game itself because I'm actually willing to hop back on the light rail, go home, and know that I tried to get an ultra cheap ticket instead of being a sucker.

The last couple Twins games I've gone to I've scored $50 tickets for $20. The last game was a thing of beauty.

Boof heading over to scalpers corner when he yells out to one guy holding tickets.

Boof: Hey, you have a single?
scalper: Ah...yeah I got one right here.
Boof checks the ticket to make sure it's legit, and then looks to see where the seat is located at.: How much do you want for it?
Scalper: $30
Boof: $20
Scalper: $25
Boof: Sorry, all I got is $20
Scalper closing his eyes and taking it like a bitch: Alright, $20

I sat in the VIP section and it's just god damn pitiful to listen to the baseball talk going on behind you. Sometimes I just can't help but to turn around and try to correct everyone on their stupid god damn knowledge of the game. I know I'm not the end-all, say-all on the subject but these people are so god damn stupid!

"I think the Twins should acquire a decent left handing bat."
"I bet they'll put on the suicide squeeze here"
"Time for a hit and run (when a guy is on third)"

ugh, when I grow up and have my own ballpark, I'm kicking these people out.

July Bits

2008-07-02T20:12:00.001-07:00

He wants to sit down and think.
He wants to pour you a drink.
And you wont feel a thing. You wont feel a thing.

-It's not like I've been terribly busy but I've been going through a bit of writers block (or bloggers block or something). At this point in time I really don't give a damn about readership, not that I've really cared but at one point maybe three years ago I kinda cared. I've used this space as a personal journal to where I can bitch about work and people in general. Lately I haven't been that bitchy lately.

But now I have some shit to finally write about so, behold.

-After watching Walk Hard for the 7th time I've come to the conclusion that I would love to have a monkey more than a big dumb dog. I figure that a monkey would be fun and if it acts up, I can throw it in the bathroom like what Tommy Gavin's dad did when he had a monkey.

-I saw one of the best movies this last weekend, "The King of Kong" is excellent. It's about how these two complete characters have been competing with each other over the world record Donkey Kong score. It's completely bizzare and the whole movie will have your jaw dropping on the floor.

I had Donkey Kong for NES and I can't imagine how anyone would play that game for more than twenty minutes. Tops. That game was so repetitive, so stupid, and so boring that I never wanted to play it for more than ten minutes. I do love how they fight, cry, and bitch over this really stupid game though.

-The big news today is that Brett Favre might come back to play for the pack. I'm actually hoping to god that he makes a comeback because of many reasons:

1) he sucks
2) he'll suck more now that he's a year older and has had an offseason of eating junk food and not keeping up in working out.
3) and probably most importantly he's on the cover of Madden '08.

Oh yes, the reason why they slapped him on the cover is because no one wants the bad luck that goes along with being a Madden cover player. Most players that ended up on the cover have been plagued with extensive injuries or bad seasons so that should mean that Jesus should be due for a bad season as well.

Not to mention that when you look at that Viking front four, they could probably perform a babality on Favre on nearly every drive.

*salivating* oh yes Favre, please come back and play. Please!

Edit: I was just watching NFL Live and they brought up the thought of Favre coming to the Vikings. This brings in very mixed emotions because the though of him being successful (somehow) for the vikings would be great ammunition to throw out against Packer fans. This would be a major con in that we'd have Favre on our team and we already have a proven interception thrower on our team.

-Try some Cox sausage

-Twins have been kicking serious ass lately and here I am claiming that I have some sort of bullshit bloggers block. Well, I do and although I love this Twins streak and I hope it goes on until...forever but this streak really doesn't do much now. I mean it's one thing if your team is hot in July but it's a completely different thing when they're hot in September. Not to mention that this team is young as hell. I think the average age of our outfield is like 23.

Perceived Weather Crap

2008-06-29T23:17:00.001-07:00

Oh my sparrow it's too late
Your body limp beneath my feet

Crap List

1. People's perception of bad weather

I was reading up on the NBA draft this year because I didn't happen to have a gun or a noose handy and I stopped on a couple mock drafts. Most analysts were predicting the Wolves to end up with O.J. Mayo with the third pick which is a great pick. The con in the scenario was that he might move out of town once his contract is up because of the awful weather. I read that in multiple mock drafts and articles. I even started hearing that on the radio and how Minnesota will be unable to attract big name free agents simply because of the "awful weather".

I was a bit puzzled because 1) basketball is played indoors and 2) these players make so much that they could easily fly down to Miami whenever they want. Also I started wondering because we've really have only had one questionable "Minnesota winter" in the last 5 years.

I also make it a point to listen to the Twins on the radio. I just love picturing the game in my head and I also don't have a TV at work so it's what I'm reduced to. I also make it a point to listen to the Twins opponent radio station because I like the different frame of reference and the Twins announcers suck ass. Nearly every announcing crew has made a comment on how outdoor baseball in Minnesota is crazy despite the fact that it was outside for twenty years before the dome.

Before I go on about actual Minnesota weather I want to examine what outsiders might think of Minnesota in terms of weather. After all, it's important to know that sports fans rarely ever see anything outdoors here on TV other than the few golf tournaments we host. The Twins, Gophers, and Vikings all play indoors. The other sports are naturally indoors anyway so I'm wondering with all these outdoor sports being played indoors, people must think we have rain, snow, sleet, wind, blood, hell on earth-type of weather every hour, on the hour, all year long.

Here's what I think people picture Minnesota in general

-A vast baron wasteland where people live in igloos and fish on top of iced over lakes for their daily ration of food. People don't really talk other than reciting their Norweigian small talk. It could be July 25 and this image of igloos and ice still fall into place. The Mississippi separates the network of igloos on the east from the igloos on the west otherwise known as the Twin Cities. The Mississippi also has giant ice bergs with polar bears and penguins floating down the river as the wind whistles over the land.

Basically I think the world south of Minnesota views Minnesota as the arctic circle and that it may get up to 35 degrees in the summertime. I bet some people actually get scared thinking about what it would be like living in Minnesota.

I asked my roommate who grew up in Boston and she pretty much agreed with my Arctic circle reference. She even said that this last winter was unbearable to her.

I replied by rubbing my two fingers together like a small violinist and called her a ginourmous wussy. I think that's what it comes down to: how much a person can take. Here in Minnesota we've all went through that crazy patch in the mid 90's when we did experience a 70 below wind chill for those couple days. We can walk outside in 30 degree weather and it's actually warm out sometimes. We do go through very humid weather and spring seasons which don't really start until May.

I think everyone else is just way too used to San Diego-like weather where its 80's and sunny and nothing ever changes. That, to me sounds nice but where is the change? Where's the perspective? What would I do without spring, fall, or winter?

I remember traveling to Houston during New Years and joggers, joggers were in tights and long sleeve T's in 60 degree weather while I was walking around in shorts and a T-shirt. I even ran the Get-in-Gear 10k in shorts while it was about 32 degrees and if I was to wear sweats, it would've been too hot.

Here's my point, bad weather for the rest of the country is simply a rainy day. Bad weather in Minnesota is 30mph winds, snow, temperatures 15 degrees below or above the normal high and all that along with normal, average Minnesota drivers on the road.

I remember walking around in April when it was 30 degrees, clear sky, and not a breath of wind. Most people would say it's too cold for baseball but those people are wussies who should probably not live in Minnesota.

A Broken Ankle-crap?

2008-06-22T23:02:00.001-07:00

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared

Crap List

1. Neko Case out with a broken ankle.

This last weekend the local public station held an outdoor concert/festival deal at the Walker Arts Center. From what I hear out of the hundreds of people that were there, only about 8 of them have ever been in a genuine fist fight beyond the age of 16. Apparently you could probably steal a beer from any mid-twenties looking dude and walk away because they would retaliate with, "Hey man, UGH. Come on. It's Summit. Aww gee whiz". Actually that's what I would probably do too since I kinda fit that crowd.

Anyway the band list was Andrew Bird, Cloud Cult, some other guy who probably sings on the beach trying to impress chicks, and The New Pornographers. The New Pornographers are the big name of the festival and I'm a big fan of one of their 13 singers, Neko Case. If I was going to attend this show it would be just to see Neko Case because I love her alternative country style. Tickets for this festival were going for as much as $200 a ticket to which I wouldn't pay over $20 therefore I didn't attend. Not to mention I'm not a big fan of The New Pornographers because the music sounds too damn nerdy and it wouldn't be a good Neko fix.

If I was to attend that show though, I would've been very disappointed because Neko didn't show up. She didn't have a cold, she wasn't in labor, nor was there a death in the family. The reason why she didn't show up was because her ankle was broken.

(blink:blink)

She can't sing because she has a broken ankle.

I'm not a singer myself but if Stevie Wonder can sing being blind and Mozart can do his thing being deaf and if Dewey Cox can do his thing without the sense of smell then I would sure as shit hope Neko could find a stool at the local bar and bring that on stage so she can do her thing. I know she'd probably rather stand and do the bob-and-clap but that's not a good reason to skip out on some gigs because of a stupid broken ankle. I know there are 12 other singers and probably 6 more waiting in the wings but Neko Case is kind of a big deal and her voice does make a difference.

Like Herb Brooks would say, "What a candyass" a broken ankle is a hell of a long way from the heart. Whatever though, I didn't see the show anyway so what do I care.

NBA Crap

2008-06-15T23:28:00.001-07:00

I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps

Crap List

1. The NBA and officiating

I used to be a genuine fan of the NBA. I used to pay attention to who gets traded, draft, and I even went to a game in the Metrodome back in the day when the T-wolves played there. Since 2004 I haven't had any kind of desire to watch a regular season NBA game in large part due to the officiating.

I remember shooting hoops with Hog one time and we were making jokes like,
-I wonder if the NBA is going to make the Finals a best of 9 series if (name your big market team) lose the deciding game of the series.
-Maybe the NBA will award the (big market team) 10 points in the 4th quarter for previous years missed calls.
-I bet the (big market team) couldn't travel if they simply carried the ball like a running back the entire game.

And big name columnists would allude to the same type of stuff. It's almost a bit of a joke sometimes in how desperate the NBA is for ratings and the showtime factor. It almost seems strange that in the last 25 years nearly every Finals had a big market team featured. A couple years ago they had Miami against Dallas and it would seem fitting that there would be an NBA exec somewhere saying, "No way we let this happen ever again".

I actually don't know if this "big market love" the NBA has is true but it does seem a bit strange. In 2004 when I watched the T-wolves religiously, there was always a couple calls that completely bewildered me--not surprised me-- and I questioned said call but completely dazed as to how the ref could miss such a call. I mean in baseball when there's a bad ump it would take a series of horrible calls and inconsistency in order for me to act bewildered. In football I get bewildered about once every forth Vikings game.

The NBA just seems so phony. NCAA basketball doesn't seem to have that hint of someone pulling the strings from up above. NCAA always has those Cinderella teams that will beat your Kentucky, Kansas, Arizona, and Notre Dame teams. The NBA just doesn't have that feeling of legitimacy.

LA Part III: Petco Park, San Diego

2008-06-11T21:35:00.001-07:00

I'd like to be
under the sea
In an octopus' garden with you

For my "job interview" weekend on Saturday I decided to rent a car and drive down to San Diego. LA allowed me to live my Big Lebowski dreams and now San Diego could whet my Anchorman fantasies so I had a series of Anchorman quotes in my head.

Before I left I had to make one very important stop.

The oh so famous In-N-Out burger. I've heard so much about this glorious place and I just had to sit down and see what all the fuss was about.

I was there at 11:30am on a Saturday and it was packed like crazy. In this picture here you can see that there's so many people that they throw out the order window and simply have a dude with a clipboard. The car that this guy is at is car number 15. It was crazy.

Inside there were a bunch of people huddled next to the front counter. The line leading to the counter was about 10 people deep. When I finally came up to the counter I ordered a double double (the other options were a hamburger and cheeseburger). I had to take my number and wait. The wait took 20 minutes and that's with about a dozen people feverishly making burgers in the back. People were ordering 6, 10, 15 burgers at a time.

When I finally got my order I tried the fries, pretty decent. I then tried the burger which was okay at best. I was a bit dissapointed with all the folklore I heard about the In-N-Out burger and I don't think it's anything to brag about. I would say that Culvers is way better, I would even venture to say that a Wendy's burger is better. My roommate told me about some secret menu but I really don't think any "secret menu" would change my mind about this joint.

After I stuffed my face I hopped in my car ('08 Dodge Avenger...it was okay but I wouldn't buy one) for my trip to San Diego. On the way there I was giving off Anchorman quotes with a smile on my face. I was super happy to finally go to San Diego.

It was only a couple weeks ago when I was looking into plane tickets to San Diego to see a Twins/Padres game. Plane tickets were $500+ and I wasn't going to spend that kind of money so I swallowed my pride. The reason I really wanted to go to San Diego is because Tony Gwynn was my favorite baseball player growing up and I grew a bit attached to the Padres. The Padres also have a new ballpark, Petco Park, which is supposed to be one of the best ballparks in the country.

When I arrived in SD I walked around the Gaslamp district which has really new high-end restaurants and lots of high class clubs. I was walking around everywhere to find a burger to eat but I had to walk a good 6 blocks away just to find a high-end burger joint. Even at 4pm the gaslamp district had a certain hum to it. The restaurants were beginning to crowd up and you could tell that there was a game to be played later in the day.

Come game time I grabbed my ticket and asked for the best ticket in the place since the tickets were very cheap (about as cheap as Twins games maybe cheaper). It was also cap day so I got a bitchin cap with my entrance to the game.

This isn't where my ticket was (it was over to the right a couple sections) but when I entered I took photos like crazy. Petco Park indeed has an aura to it and just about everything about it is top-notch. All the sight-lines are great, the amenities are impressive, and all the little things add up.

It became evident that when entering Petco Park you don't just enter a ballpark but actually a section of the city. This is the public baseball diamond just beyond left field of Petco. This is actually open to the public whenever a Padres game isn't about to start. They even have those cool dirt paths that extend from the mound to home plate!

Beyond the public diamond is a grassy area for fans to picnic and watch the game on this big screen. Fans can buy a $5 ticket and simply make a nice evening out of the game. Kids can then either play a game on the diamond or play in the huge sandbox just beyond the right field fence. I absolutely love idea and sure enough this lawn was packed when the game started.

Then they have this sweet statue of Mr. Gwynn himself. Behind him are new condos and I think that's a gym to Gwynn's back. I didn't look into what these condos are going for but I'm willing to bet that I can't afford one.

There's nothing that they overlooked in Petco. One thing that sticks out is there there's so much space even during a game. You don't feel confined to the ballpark.

The usher's were not nazi's either. They practically encouraged me to roam around and take whatever picture I want where ever I want.

Also, and get this, the seats actually face the pitchers mound! I don't know if you can tell that easily from this picture but these seats are actually slanted towards the infield.

Of course the concourses are all open and the bathroom doors are nearly facing the game. Like you could walk out and--boom-- there's the game.

They had tons of plants everywhere you go and I don't think I saw one ugly or questionable part of Petco Park. At one point I was talking to one of the ushers and he was telling me all about the ballpark. I asked him how the ballpark has affected the downtown scene in SD and told me that the downtown scene is simply because of the ballpark. From what he said there was not much of a downtown scene before Petco and it makes sense because that Gaslamp district does appear very new.

I know I'm very biased when it comes to ballparks but this new Twins ballpark should put a shot of adrenalyne to the Minneapolis scene. It might not be the effect of Petco but there has to be added residual effects to the Minneapolis downtown scene from the new Twins ballpark. That alone will generate more tax money and add to the Minneapolis experience.

To the left you can see an old brick building. This is the Western Metal Supply building. It was deemed a local landmark and could not be demolished even for Petco Park so they used it as part of their ballpark.

This is from inside the Metal Supply building. It's actually pretty cool since it's so open. I didn't get a chance to go on the upper floors but it's definitely a nice touch for the ballpark experience.

Not to far from here is a beer stand. The beer vendor yelled at me, "Hey, Twins fan! Come here a sec" I was wearing my Twins cap and I walked over. The guy was from Richfield and we were chatting along.

Guy: Oh hey, you might like this. Check it out.
And he stepped aside and showed me this cooler full of Leinenkugal Sunset Wheat. I was actually really surprised that Leinie's is way out in SD but it was a pleasant surprise.

As for the game, the Mets were in town (no, Santana wasn't pitching) and there were a ton of Met fans there. There was nearly a heckling match between all the met fans and Padre fans.

Padres won in extra innings and I was very sad to leave the ballpark. I did hear that there were a bunch of mega hotties in the Gaslamp district and it was phenomenal people watching but I had to pass. I had to go back to Los Angeles and catch my 8am flight.

Petco Park was damn near incredible. The pictures I showed you just scratches the surface of all the features it has. Everything is in HD at Petco and the scoreboard is very well organized. Also they give very good and detailed stats at the game--something that you'll never find at Metrodome.

I do hope to someday head back to Petco because it was such a great experience. It was probably the best ballpark I've been to that didn't have any novelty value. I highly recommend this place.

LA Part 2: Dodger's Stadium

2008-06-10T22:46:00.001-07:00

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round

After that "job nonsense" that I had to deal with I was dropped off at my hotel for my weekend of baseball goodness. I suppose a lot of other people would prefer to walk around Hollywood or head over to Disneyland but anywhere you go in LA takes forever to get to and it's always crowded. Not to mention that two of my main goals of my trip were to: 1) eat a dodger dog and 2) see a dodger's game in no particular order.

I headed on the 110 and 70 minutes later through rush hour traffic I managed to make it to the main entrance of Chavez Ravine (aka: dodgers stadium+parking lot). Chavez Ravine is interesting because the gates to park open two hours before gametime, so you can't park your car, do something else, and then come back when the doors to the park open. There's a long landing strip of pavement where you wait until they let you into the parking area. You have to sit by your car and wait until they start taking your parking money. It's a lot like waiting for the drive-in movie theatre to start allowing cars in. As sit there and listen to the radio there are vendors walking around selling merchandise, kids are out and about playing catch, and fans are chit-chatting around until you hear the chains of the main gates unlock and everyone hurriedly runs to their cars.

Parking costs $15 and there's really no alternative other than car pooling. I don't even know if it's possible to have a cab drop you off since there's such a huge flow of people entering the park. Parking is also very simple because you simply follow the car in front of you and a series of helpful workers tell you where to park your car.

The ballpark is surrounded by vast spaces for parking. It's funny because the last spots are right behind center field so you can always get a good idea on how crowded the game is going to be. I don't think you can tailgate since there were no bins anywhere but I think people find a way to get around that.

I entered Dodger stadium after I bought a medium priced ticket behind home plate and saw this,

As you can tell, the day was really crappy. I don't know how many updates the place had had since the 60's when it opened but I don't know if it really needed any. It was a pretty nice place to watch a baseball game.

I was stuck on the level that I was at since the Dodger Stadium ushers are nazis but the concourse was open and a bit small but not bad for a park built in the 60's. I also noticed that the Japanese media was going crazy over a couple Sumo wrestlers down on the field.

That is the Japanese media right there. Each wreastler would pose and play catch or pretend to swing a bat and you could tell that every cameraman was struggling to find some space to take a picture.

Apparently about nine of the world's top 20 sumo wrestlers were there including the number one ranked dude. They treated him like royalty practically.

Of course after seeing this nonsense I made a B-line for the hot dog stand.

This is the dodger dog that was I drooling over. This is widely considered the best hot dog in the major leagues and was probably more excited about this than the ballpark (if you can imagine that). At first I was a little hesistant seeing as a dodger dog was $5 but they were a bit bigger than a normal weenie hot dog. When I took a bite I really analyzed every pig scrap that my taste buds could recognize. At first it didn't seem like much but--oh wait, there's a subtle hint of spice which really makes the entire dog somewhat pleasant to eat. After devouring the dodger dog I found myself longing for another one during the middle of the game. After all, they had a beefier dodger dog which was really peaking my curiosity.

The Dodgers were playing the Cubs for which there were a lot of Cubs fan around. I was curious to see what LA fans were like. There's always been the notion that LA fans arrive fashionably late and leave fashionably early. It's like they only stick around to see innings 4-6 and then beat the traffic. Beating the traffic isn't such a bad idea and I'm a firm believer in staying for the duration of the game. The arrive late/leave early rumor wasn't true for the night I went. Everyone seemed to stick aroudn until the end but that could've been the complete game shutout gem by Hiroki Kuroda. Also their games start at 7:30pst which means that the 8th inning is generally starting at the ten o'clock hour so I'm sure people need to make sure they get to work.

And then a nuclear bomb went off!!!
This is just me playing with my camera after the game. Dodgers won 3-0 and it was a pretty good game. I stayed as long as I could in the ballpark and once I ventured outside it became crystal clear why people leave early. Since there's only two ways to enter Chavez Ravine there's only two ways to leave and 50,000 people leaving at the same time leads to long delays.

I think it was about 90 minutes for me to wait until the coast was clear to leave Chavez Ravine. There is this wonderful view of Los Angeles from the parking lot which looks amazing on a perfect night.

All in all Dodger's stadium was a pretty nice venue. For being a ballpark built in the 60's it was fairly impressive. I would definitely attend another game if I should ever be offered a job in LA again.

Tomorrow I will review the wonderful Petco Park in San Diego

LA Trip Part 1: Brass Tax

2008-06-09T21:11:00.001-07:00

See how they run like pigs from a gun
see how they fly
I'm crying

This last weekend I had my "job interview" in Los Angeles. The company that wants to hire me is a company I've been working in cooperation with for the past 6 years or so where I'm at now. They seem like a nice company to work for and I don't have any problems with them. If I did then I probably wouldn't work with them. The main representative from this company (S) is a salesman who decided to offer me a job.

S: Would you be interested in working for someone else?
Boof: Sure, why not.
S: Well would you be interested in working for me?
Boof: I don't know. Where would I work, what would I do, how much would I get paid?
S: Well, if I flew you down to LA and showed you the place then would that help you make a decision?
Boof: Sure, if you pay for everything I'll check you guys out.

I figured that since I like airports and I would be getting a free trip out of this then why would I turn it down?

S gave me a good indication on what this job was going to entail and some basic guidelines of the job. From this brief description and what I know about Los Angeles I determined that I was not going to take this job. I didn't tell S this but I just wanted the free trip and would milk this for as much as I can. After all, maybe I could get some more stuff out of this?

As it turns out S let me have the couple days and the entire weekend to check out LA so "I could get a better idea of LA" if I decided to move there. As far as I was concerned this was nothing more than the type of spiel where you have to sit and listen to a presentation of timeshares and then an hour later you get free tickets to Universal Studios. I just have to listen to the spiel and then I would take a rental car and watch some glorious baseball. I kept thinking to myself, 'Now if I could only get a company in Boston to be interested in me then I could check out Fenway!' because if someone flew me out to their city for a custodial job then I would totally act interested if it meant them flying me out and paying for my room. Why the hell would I not exercise that option?

Day one was going to be in Laguna Nuguel or "Laguna Beach" as everyone knows it as. S and I had dinner at some sort of beautiful joint off of the beach and it certainly seemed like he was "selling" the area to me. He seemed to have his car salesmen face on and I was just acting the part of a curious potential employer.

S: Would you mind if my step-daughter joins us in a couple minutes?
Boof: nah, that's fine with me.

So I was thinking to myself, 'I would bet ten thousand dollars that his step-daughter is hotter than hell.'

S: Oh here she is, HI B, OVER HERE.

B was about 5'9 shoulder length blond hair, beautiful facial features, slender, wearing those tight jeans that showed off her amazing ass. I was ready to award myself ten thousand dollars.

B was there as 'someone who came to LA from the Twin Cities' and she was going to tell me how much of a transition it was for her. She's also a saleswoman from the same company her step-dad, S, works at. Even though I wasn't interested in the job I was trying like mad not to oogle the hell out of her and I even secretly questioned if she was really a step daughter of S. It wouldn't be completely out of the question for S to find some hottie in LA to pose as his step daughter/saleswoman of his company to lure me into this gig.

After all, it's not hard to find an attractive female in LA. I think being ugly is illegal in Los Angeles. In fact, I would say that any woman between the ages of 18-35 would be bangable. I would probably take the odds in banging any random 18-35 year old in LA--like you could put all those names in a hat and I would bang the name that is drawn. That's how hot everyone is.

B told me about how the transition was to her. Of course she was 100% positive about the experience telling me it was "the best thing she's done" and "my friends now are so much better" which made me frown. I asked her about her commute and she responded with,

B: It's only about 40 minutes which is great.

I nearly fell out of my chair. 80 minutes a day when gas prices are about $4.50/gal!

So I was talking it up with S and hottie B for awhile when we finally got up to leave. The NBA finals was about to start soon and S wanted to watch. So B left first when me and S decided that we were going in the wrong direction to leave the restaurant. We followed about 40 feet behind B and I was mesmerized with that ass slowly moving right-side up, left side-up, right side up as she casually started chatting away on her phone. She moved in slow motion as I was studying the fine aspects of her ass. I then felt a tug to my shoulder,

S: Hey-hey, We're going this way Tom. We parked over here.

Haha, whoops. Yeah, if she really is in fact a step daughter who works for the company then I'm going to get in serious oogling trouble or worse, get too flirtatious.

S then dropped me off at the hotel at about 5:30 and I had the rest of the night to myself in Laguna Beach. I checked out my sweet room.

Everywhere in my room had this type of fluffy towel work. Even the toilet paper had this crazy fold on there which I found kinda funny. My room even had a cool whirlpool deal along with a wide screen tv which could be angled toward the whirlpool. It was the sweetest free hotel room I've ever been in.

After all my playing I ventured out to Laguna Beach to see the sights and the sounds...and to get my oogling grove on.

As you can see, it was awesome weather. This is off a portion of Laguna Beach.

This how much gas costs in Laguna Beach. This was also before the huge increase (gas in the Twin Cities is now over $4 a gallon, this was before that). The flowers almost make it tolerable right? Oh Diesel was about $5.10/gal.

The trees in So. Cal were really cool in how different they were. I don't know what kind of trees they are but I like them.

Day 2

For Friday I had to wake up early so that S could pick me up and we'd head over to the shop to check out what the working environment was all about and talk to some of the workers. The workers were nice and everyone at the place seemed cool. S seemed to act like some sort of bumbling, laughing fool as we were there. He was talking to a couple of the dock workers and they had a look on their face like, "You've never talked to me before, why are you doing this now? Who is that bald guy?".

After a couple hours of having to listen to their spiel I was nearly on the verge of falling asleep. I simply just wanted to go back to the hotel so I could take a nap, forget about this job nonsense, and watch some baseball. Sure enough, we got out of there at 11:30am. I spent a total of about 2 hours at the warehouse! On the ride back to my hotel he started talking about brass tax in terms of the job. The job would have the same vacation that I have now, same health and dental, it would be on days (of course) but with travel (uh oh), and I would be paid about $5000 more than what I get now for salaried time.

I nearly chuckled because the cost of living in LA compared to the Twin Cities is noticeably different. Gas is a dollar higher, food is also noticeably higher, and it seems to take at least 35 minutes to go anywhere in LA. Also $5000 of salaried pay is not even close enough to pry me away from the Twin Cities. Also, I remember B and S telling me how the weather is beautiful all year 'round which is not a selling point for me. I actually enjoy 4 distinct seasons.

I turned down the job outright which I could've done on Thursday but I wanted to milk a trip out of it. It was a nice trip in that I was actually looking for a plane ticket to San Diego not to long ago and now I had a discounted trip.

Some quick bits about LA:
-The freeways are always packed but everyone merges flawlessly without much of any anger. The zipper method was a thing of beauty and although the freeways were packed, they seemed to move at a decent pace. I guess there wouldn't be room for any bad drivers because the aggressive ones would simply run them off.
-Flying over LA and the Twin Cities it became perfectly clear that LA doesn't have the tree cover that the Twin Cities have. The suburbs of LA are clearly seen and you can see every house on the block. In the Twin Cities it's a bit tough to make out a city block because there is so much green over the houses and buildings.
- The time difference is really weird. I kept getting really tired at 9pm and it was hard to fathom a baseball game being played at 4pm on a weekday. All the baseball games I attended were the last games of the day.

Tomorrow I will have my pictorial of Dodger Stadium and Wednesday Petco Park in San Diego.

Boof in LA

2008-06-06T15:34:00.001-07:00

See them tumbling down
Pledging their love to the ground
Lonely but free I'll be found
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds.

They say Los Ang-ales is the city of angels...

It's somewhat true because remember the "cool people" in high school? Well, everyone here is in that category. I think it's illegal to be fat or ugly or to have small boobs.

That's right, I'm in Los Angeles at the moment and to avoid the crazy traffic I decided to jot down a couple things about LA. Technically I'm here for a job interview but I already knew coming in that I didn't want the job because I don't think I could stand LA. After being here for about 36 hours, I think that's a pretty accurate notion. The weather, women, and beaches are great but there's no way in hell I would come to move here.

I didn't tell the potential employer that though. I think I may have said something like, "I dunno, LA might be a great place to live. I'm excited about the opportunity!" to the potential employer knowing full well that I came here for the free vacation. I made up stories about how much I make, how what a great opportunity this could be, and I was bragging about my ideas for their company in how to improve (which I made up on the fly). More or less I whored myself out for this vacation.

This morning the Potential employer (PO) gave me the stats on the job in terms of pay. For me to even consider coming out here it would take about...$100k and full benefits. I know that's a hell of a lot but it would honestly take a hell of a lot to pry me away from Minnesota or the upper midwest and head over to LA. What he offered was $5,000 more than what I make at my current job, salary (which sucks being an hourly guy), and the same vacation benefits.

I nearly laughed in his face and I certainly didn't feel like much of a whore anymore.

Did you know that a 2 bedroom mediocre apartment in LA is about $1700? What kind of a stupid fucker does the dude take me for?

Anyway I'm only here to eat at an In 'N Out burger, see some baseball (Dodgers and Padres), eat a dodger dog, and live out my Big Lebowski dreams. I'll have plenty of pictures and and probably a sun burnt head.

Update: The In 'N Out Burger was okay but Culver's is better. They should change their name from Culver's to "Doggystyle Diner" or "sex burger".

Sex and the City Crap

2008-06-02T00:08:00.001-07:00

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me

Crap List

-Sex and the City the Movie

So I played a really horrifying round of golf on Sunday. I scored two tens (one on a par 3) and I managed not to kill anyone or destroy anything. I would've felt better had I scored five shots better and dented the hell out of a biff but... oh well. I came home and plopped myself on the couch wanting any other (non-golfing) excuse to get out of the house.

Anything at all.

Female roommate stands by the door where I'm watching TV and looks at me with a grin,
"Whatcha doin?"
Boof: I'm watching the Twins and sulking.
B: Wanna do something?
Boof: yeah, I'm up for anything. I wanna just get out of here.
B: Wanna go see Sex And The City?
Boof: Fuck no, I wouldn't see it with your eyes
B: I'll pay
Boof: No
B: I'll pay and buy popcorn.
Boof thinks: ahhhh no
B: I'll pay, buy popcorn, and buy you a soda (she's from the East)
Boof thinks: ehhhhh, maybe

I figured since I wasn't paying and I was really hungry then I could maybe justify going to the ultimate chick flick of chick flicks. It was something to do, it was something I was curious about (how ugly can Sarah Jessica Parker be?), and it would be an experience. It would be like my own National Geographic study in which I study how and why women like such crap.

After all, I have seen Glitter... just for the train wreak mentality though. I have seen Mean Girls too and that was like There's something about seeing a super bad film that makes me feel better. I mean I wasn't stupid enough to write or direct such crap so that makes me feel good!

There was, however, the slim possibility that I might enjoy such a film. I mean maybe it was well written and maybe I could actually feel with the characters. I haven't seen a full episode of Sex and the City so perhaps I'm missing something. I did have horrible expectations for Transformers and I really wanted to hate that movie but I didn't. Maybe, just maybe SATC would surprise me.

We went to the theatre and I complained the entire time we waited in line to buy tickets. She bought the pop and popcorn and we entered the theatre. 90% women were in the audience and it was actually kinda scary. I was wondering if the 10% of guys in the place were gay or enjoyed the show or maybe they were dragged out there. Maybe I was the only sane male in the theatre. Maybe the movie gives a "hate all men" theme and all the women come over to me and kick me in the balls. Maybe Sarah Jessica Parker's nose comes out of the screen and stabs me between the eyes like in Terminator 2.

The movie was downright horrific. The movie should've been called "Whiny Women in the City" because they were all nuts. All the men in the movie were either gay, porn models like in the soap commercials, or they act like pussies. It was unbelievable.

This movie was the epitome of chick flicks because it contained every-single-chick-flicky-thing that only women understand.

Chick Flicky things in the SATC movie:

a group of women gathering around and squealing
All dogs were the size of footballs
A giant, ridiculously sized wedding
Valentines day
A newborn infant
A pregnant woman
Everyone (including some guys) wearing high heels
a montage featuring Sarah Jessica Ugly trying on different dresses
music that was incredibly gay or something that women enjoy
A fashion show (for crying out loud)
giddiness over handbags

And a whole lot of irrational drama seeking women. I haven't even gotten into the actual plot yet.

Imagine Rocky spending months training for his big bout and then suddenly he says, "Heya I just wanna go screw around with Adrian, ya know?" and stops training altogether. They screw and Pauly ends up continuing to make fun of Adrian. Nothing changes. The End

With all the ugly, old, and lesbian looking woman there was actually one hot looking character. Kristen Davis was the only thing that kept me from throwing up and crying at the same time...and in the movie she took a dump in her pants (I'd still tap that btw, diarrhea and all).

One subplot has to do with Miranda (the lesbian looking one) married and with kids. Her husband is frustrated because she's not giving it up (for over 6 months) and she doesn't keep herself groomed. Guy ends up cheating on her and she turns heartbroken. I'm not backing with the guy but... he gave all the signs. He begged, pleated for poon and she wouldn't give it to him.

Then the main plot has to deal with SJP and how she yearns for a wedding and to get married to a millionaire who has already divorced twice and is very weary of another marriage. Ugly knows this and decides to make their wedding into a super human steroid ultra million dollar 200 guest affair. What guy wouldn't be scared of that? Not to mention the bridal party were 25 minutes late for the wedding anyway which drives me nuts.

This movie was downright horrible. I honestly felt a little nauseous walking back to the car. The whining, the bitching, the jokes that I didn't understand at all, and the squealing-I can't take anymore girl group squealing.

All I can say is that this movie was pure hell and the big screen makes Sarah Jessica Parker's nose look like something out of a Godzilla movie. I can now say that I've seen the ultimate chick flick and now every movie I see from now on will be better because I saw this movie. I didn't gain any perspective on women and I'm still a bit bewildered by the experience.

Candy Girl Review

2008-05-28T15:08:00.001-07:00

The moon on my window casts a different light
On all these memories that keep me up tonight

I finally read a book! I really wish the "Book-it" buttons were back for adults because if I think I would read 5 books if I knew I was going to get a free pizza. Oh to be a kid again.

I finally finished Diablo Cody's "Candy Girl" and I now think I am finally over Ms. Cody. Although I'm sure she'd give the HJ in the restaurant, go down on me in a theatre, and probably eat the pickles off my double cheeseburger I just have had my fill of her. Reading the book I was led into the life of a stripper and how one gets into the business. It wasn't completely shocking to me. It was more of a book for any girls who are thinking of stripping and what to look for. As a horny ass guy this book was like putting the porno in, getting situated on top of the plastic laid out in the living room, and then finding out it's Barbara Walters in a scat film.

*shudders*

Even her tips for making men crazy shook my head. For instance she determined that white high heels makes men go crazy (Boof's opinion: eh...no. I'm not a big fan of the white ones as much as I am of the red or black high heels. Strippers-the more you know." She also found out that by posing as a blonde stripper she gains more tips (Boof's opinion: Blonde? meh, I'll tip a brunette or red head twice as much as any blonde. Mix in numerous references to her foot odor, spooge stained thongs, and sweaty tube dresses and suddenly my candy cane dreams and lollipop fantasies are now in the form of Maria Shriver in this commercial. YIKES!

She explains how she finds strippers fascinating in how they pretty much control all the men in the joint. She brings up a stark difference in how she just wants to dance for money and nothing more than that. As the weeks go by the money seems to control her to an extent and she basically turns into a prostitute in my opinion.

It was an interesting book but I'm glad I didn't buy it. And instead of having Diablo Cody dreams I will focus all my attention onto Sara Evans from now on. At least Sara Evans hasn't written a song about foot odor.

Point of interest though: Is Jason Bateman's character in Juno based off of Jonny?

Apnea Crap

2008-05-26T21:52:00.001-07:00

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Crap List

1. T Bone and His Snoring

I had the Ratboy wedding to attend this weekend and it wasn't the most horrible wedding I've been to. Luckily I had Sudoku to keep me company during the ceremony. The reception was okay and the cake gave me severe diarrhea but it was nearly bearable. Me, Raymond Jennings, Hog, and Babycakes followed the ceremony by going to the casino and eventually passing out in T-Bone's room. I'm a pretty fussy sleeper as it is so I wasn't expecting much for sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours or enough to keep me energized for a quick trip to Burger King and devour a biscuit sandwich before I take a ride on the thunderbucket for blissful defecation.

I had about 45 minutes of sleep and I don't even know how I got that much. T-Bone was drunk and sleeping on his back which is perfect for someone who has terrible sleep apnea like T-Bone has.

T-Bone will have a series of small squeals about 4 seconds apart in which he shakes the bed desperate for a breath of air. Finally when the pressure on his lungs is too great, he takes this enormous breath of air in which he makes a noise that is so loud and so horrible that I can't even try to make such a noise! It's rather quite amazing when you think about it while you're nice and warm in the confines of your own bed. It's frustrating as shit when you're sharing a bed with him.

I even remember when his snoring scared the crap out of me when we went camping to Glacier National park. We tented out at a public campsite--where plenty of pseudo camping come and try to "rough it" during holiday weekends. Plenty of food is left out because people just don't know any better so they were warning us of bears and not just pussy little brown bears but Grizzlies. I wasn't too scared because we didn't have any food in the tent so I slept away.

I woke up at around 2pm staring at the side of the tent. I kept hearing this violent grunting coming from somewhere

CCCCCRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU

and I thought for sure there was a Grizzly standing a foot away from the thin sheet of nylon separating us from the bear.

CCCRRRROOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CCCCRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I was legitimately scared and was inching my way towards the center of the tent. I slowly rolled over and looked to see if anyone else was awake when I saw T-Bone,

CCCCCRRRRRROOOOOOOOUUUU-CRR-CRR-CRR-CRR-ahem

It was simply just T-Bone snoring and I was looking at him incredulously as the fear filled sweat dripped from my face.

Perky Bits

2008-05-21T20:04:00.001-07:00

Yes, I told you that the light goes up and down.
Don't you notice how the wheel goes 'round?
And you better pick yourself up from the ground
Before they bring the curtain down.

-I worked the longest shift I've ever worked just the other night. I started work at 2:30pm and I finally stumbled home at 7am. We had an emergency main break at work and I had to stay for most of the duration. The whole thing went pretty smooth but the stages of loopiness were very apparent.

I tried not to complain too much because the excavation workers were just coming back from working a twelve hour shift from somewhere else and now they were here to work another twelve hours. I on the other hand was so loopy that I wanted to start dancing like I was Lord of the Dance. I didn't want to dance by the dig so I would head inside the building every now and then I would bounce around in the freight elevator. I was wide awake and looking for something to break while I was roaming around the building.

Then the sun started coming up and I started to wind down a bit. I simply really dislike the morning light because I have the sudden urge to try to fall asleep since I didn't get any when it was dark. As 6am rolled around I was starting to get flat-out stupid. I think I asked someone why a curb is as high as one usually is and they nearly leveled me right then and there.

-I want some wings like right now.

-Every night I come home I see the neon lights of the tatoo place which is near where I currently live. Since I haven't filled my quota of having a one-night bender I'm tentatively thinking of getting completely tanked and getting a tatoo.

One idea would be to get this on my arm. See, those are my initials!

Another Idea would be to take the T out of this and and use two of the smaller C's, turn then around and somehow turn them into a B so I'd have my own Twins/initial tatoo. I think this idea would kick so much ass especially with a good sized T

Golf Crap

2008-05-18T23:01:00.001-07:00

The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land
Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky

Crap LIst

1. Phalen Golf Course

Actually Phalen was a pretty nice golf course. It's just that if you're a terrible golfer or you decide to swing a club for the first time since August, it's not a great course for the renegade vengeance known as "good intentions" Golf.

Good Intentions Golf is where you place the golf ball on the tee and you hope to god you don't hit anyone or anything that will cost money. If you hit it in the rough, no big deal. If your ball drags ass across the fairway, again, no biggie. Basically it's the fun version of golf where if anything good happens, then it's a bonus because you're expecting to play like complete dog shit.

Phalen has too many holes were the parking lot is just left of center and that new Lexus seems to have that target glistening on it's passenger fender. There's also plenty of public roads that draw any shot that seems to hook like a Frisbee. It if wasn't for a few conveniently placed trees then I'd probably be paying for a couple dents.

I did manage to get a couple guys on the putting green pissed at me when I sliced something that landed on said green.

They were probably assholes anyway.

2. Bryan Adams concert: $50

Friday, when I was at the gym, I checked out the paper when my attention was glued onto the upcoming Bryan Adams concert. It was actually that night at the Pantages theater and I really wanted to go.

I thought to myself,
"This is Bryan Adams, the butt of so many Canadian wussy singers. Who would possibly want to go to his concert--except me of course?"

I figured tickets would be plentiful and around $15 since... it's Bryan Adams. I noticed that the concert was sold out according to the newspaper so I was surprised by that but I figured that I would hang out in front of the theater and ask for an extra ticket...to Bryan Adams...in public. hmmm
Well, whatever.

I did some research and found out that tickets range from $27-$80 which is fucking crazy! As much as I really wanted to go I wasn't really feeling the $30 I'd have to shell out and the public humiliation of begging for an extra ticket to see Bryan Adams.

Boof: TICKET! I NEED A TICKET!
Stranger: Ticket? What's playing?
Boof: Ah....Bryan Adams
Stranger: You gotta be seriously whipped to ask for tickets for Bryan Adams
Boof: Ah...I'm here by myself. Shut up.