A walk on the wild side

Waiting out the end of the year

2009-11-10T22:15:00.002Z

Back on meds(when remember) and things a little calmer now. CC made appointment with shrink tommorow not sure to what ends but guess will see. Just waiting out the end of the year really it's not been a good one

A confused post.

2009-11-05T01:03:00.003Z

Haven't posted here for ages, firstly because october was really good month for me and I didn't think I had anything to post about. I guess I was busy trying to get my life in order, I had sorted out some voluntary work actually helping out people who were in acute care, I went to a mental health conference. I started making plans about doing post graduate study in the next year or so and all was hunky dory.

Somehow it changed. I forgot to pick my meds up on friday and have been cold turkey since. I was doing so well so why need meds anyway?. Plus I could do without the hair loss and morning hangover. Am I making sense? I think I have had less than ten hours sleep this week. sometimes I think maybe I am asleep when I'm awake, or its just things are confusing.

There are people watching me all the time I see them though they try to disguise it. I can't leave the house they are there. I even looked for cameras in my house but realised that they wouldn't have got them past me. I think I may be part of a case study a medical experiment the Shrink, Care-Co, hospital staff, gp- I think they all know and I can't trust them.

I just want to sleep - I trawled the net for prescription pills to buy - taking 2 zolpidem and 2 temazepam doesn't work. My head feels like one of those spinning tops the ones where you pressed down on to spin. but it never comes to a stop to rest.

And it's November how did that one creep up on me. Damn 2009 it has brought me hell. I am so tired, mentally and physically. I don't know my next move. You let these people into your lives and they take hold of it and they try and break you and they have an agenda - always and I don;t want to play their games. I am not some crash test dummy. I am not some number on a chart some line on a graph. I will never be free from their clutch.

Everything is loud at the moment. clocks ticking, the fridge humming, I can even hear the light bulbs. I just want to go somewhere I'm not watched somewhere I can come out from under my blanket, but they wouldn't allow that. This is no way to live. I see thing sometimes out of the corner of my eyes or I hear wasps in the house in November? but when I look they are gone and I know perhaps, well most likely they were never there and that's scary.

If you have read this I apologise for it's confusing nature it has taken me over an hour to re-write it semi-coherent and is as much a note for me of my current mental state then worthwile reading for others. La-reve x

CPA Review

2009-10-01T19:45:00.002+01:00

Doing really well here things seem to be finally clicking into place and I feel pretty ok. I have been priorotising my meds and have not missed a dose and feel better for it. Yes I can actually say my meds are working to stabilise my moods. Problem is the Depakote is causing hair loss and my hair is getting noticably thin. So now that at last the meds are working I am going to have to change them.

Today I had my CPA review it went ok, me , my mum, CC and Shrink. I have never been to one before apparently they are yearly, it covered everything. I am going to look at changing my meds re:hair loss. Lithium was suggested but the idea of having Lithium about makes me nervous and then there is starting a new drug and the risk of another hospital admission near christmas if it all goes wrong. But I don't want to be bold. I will have n appointment to decide in few weeks.

On other positives this week. Dla application completed by CC and looks hopeful. I had a visit from OT who is going to arrange a meeting for me with their volunteer co-ordinator as I have decided to try and volunteer once a week to force me out of the house as I don't want to end up a recluse over winter.

My sleep is slowly getting better I tend to have a night of three hours and then a night of six/seven this is with the Temazepam. However they have taken the Temazepam from me so who knows what the sleep will do now. I am not pleased about this as I think when I was starting to get this sorted why rock the boat.

All in all though a good week.

2009-09-24T22:04:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I got my letter of dismissal from work on grounds of capability. It is what I was expecting and wanted in a way but it's still hit me hard. It seems like a reminder of everything I've lost to this illness. Also I've never been dismissed before and I can't help feeling I have failed somehow.
This week has been quiet though and was going well until I got the letter, today I hibernated and tried to challenge the negative thoughts resulting from receiving it. Got to go out and do some shopping tommorow though so will have to try and get myself into gear. Nothing more to report here.

Signed off for three months

2009-09-17T19:40:00.005+01:00

Well I went to work meeting last friday. It was quite difficult being bombarded with questions for 45 minutes by section manager and HR. They mainly asked me why I said I could go back in July and August but failed to return. I told them that they may have caught me on a good week but my mood fluctuates and at the time I told them that I would have meant it. They don't seem to understand how it works. They didn't dismiss me they want me to see occupational health this week. I think they wanted to cover their back's. Anyway I have not heard from them this week and today I was signed off work for three months, CC is going to help me apply for DLA. I am therefore expecting my dismissal letter in post. This is best outcome at moment so will not push me over the edge again.

After the meeting I felt a bit hyper, a rush of adrenaline and went shopping, buying a new bag and some other bits. Felt a little guilty after as two weeks of my ESA spent but was fun. Mood has continued to be good this week, and I have remembered to take all doses of meds. I think I am relieved that work is not stressing me, decision has been made and I can concentrate on trying to get better. I want to take up a hobby or do some voluntary work on my days off or I will become a social recluse especially with winter coming.

Good mood has allowed me to get a lot done round house and a lot of paperwork, form filling and calls that needed to be made- I love these productive weeks. Next week I am going to try and go to the coast for the day as not seen the sea for a while. I want to book a holiday for next year and take my son to the farm.

Back at Hospital............again

2009-09-10T22:17:00.004+01:00

A lot has happened in the last week things continued to go downhill after last post. Last friday after dropping son off at nursery bought some paracetamol and went home to take them. I wrote a suicide note, but then rang my car co-ordinator who told me to come and see her to work through things to do to distract from thoughts. Unfortunately I then decided to take tablets and got to about 16 or so 4 Diazepam and a lorazepam before I decided I didn't want to die and leave my family and also felt much calmer with Benzos.

I went to the appointment with CC. CC could tell I had OD though and called ambulance and I was taken to A and E where I waited for several hours for blood tests (fine as usual). Whilst I was there CC rang and told me that she had arranged bed back on A42 of QMC which is acute psychiatric assesment ward for weekend and if I didn't agree to go then I would have a MHA assesment.

So I agreed to go. Now I don't know if it's any easier when you are a familar face on a psychiatric ward. Yes I knew where everything was and which staff to approach for certain things but there is a sense of shame that you couldn't survive on the outside and are back under their care. Plus it did nothing for the reason I was suicidal in the first place, mainly that I had no job etc and that I didn't want to be a revolving door patient and be ill for the rest of my life. The ward looked a lot more depressing and drab but I think this may have been the perspective I was viewing it from as my mood was high last time I was there and I suspect I didn't notice my surroundings as
much.

I was on the ward for three nights. I got no sleep on the ward the first night I was there they wouldn;t give me my usual meds so I couldn't sleep. The second night they insisted on shining a torch in my eyes every hour to see if I was still alive. After being woke for the third time I gave up on the sleep. And on the third night they decided to move the most disturbed and loudest patient next to me.

On Monday I got to see the consultant. He saw me in previous admissions so knows me quite well. He decided to let me go home as I had been fine over weekend. Sometimes I think I may be too inteligent for my own good . I don't mean this in boastful way. But I know how to work the system and doctors and even though I was still suicidal and spent my time on the ward thinking how I could kill myself I needed off that ward. That ward is not the place to get me better and I'm not sure it is even place of safety as there were several easy ways I could have killed myself.

Saw my CC yesterday she says we are using our time talking about negative things and she wants me to start challenging my thought patterns. She says as much as she sympathises with me and what I have gone through I need to move forward(If I could I would).She thinks I have surpressed anger. This didn't go down well I am not in the mood for CBT rubbish or psycho babble shit. Also I feel I was once more blackmailed into hospital for what I feel was not a serious overdose and I have been allowed home after taking much more. It's not that I am upset with her but the whole one size fits all approach these MH workers seem to use.

Tommorow I have the capability hearing at work in which I expect to be fired. CC thinks this it will trigger something and is worried I may end up on multi-storey car park I'm not sure there is any point in me attending when I know the outcome. I will see how I feel in the morning but attending a meeting where there will be my manager, section manager, note taker and HR rep without any benzos seems a frightening prospect.

2009-09-03T20:17:00.002+01:00

This morning after the letter from work telling me I have meeting with section manager and HR next week and them telling me it may result in dissmissal I am on a bit of low. I can't work I am on mediocre benefits and 'i can't be a stay at home mum or even drive . Feeeling pretty crap about myself so after taking son to nursery, came back and sat around with all my meds old suicide notes and a new one I had writ. ~I called my care co-ordinator, she came round and converscated all my meds despite ten Lorazepam which ~I mananaged to quiety take and some zolpidem and few paracetamol I had taken before she arrived. She rang me a pedemedic but I didn't go with him I was ok. I just feel a bit blurred. I dont think I will sleep without my benzo later despite the 10 loraz earlier. I wish she hadn't have taken my stash and I would have deffinitiely finished foff the paracetamol at least. hope don't feel the same again tommorow.

Reflection

2009-09-01T20:33:00.003+01:00

16 months ago I was referred to Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Trust for postnatal depression/depression initially.

Since then I have been under the care of the Nottingham Crisis team, Stonebridge community mental Health team, back intermittently to Crisis and I am now under a specialist team called EIP- Early intervention in psychosis who are a team for people under 35 I think who are experiencing onset of psychosis for first time.

I have taken Citalopram, Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Sodium Valproate(depakote) several times, Quetiapine, Risperidone. Also Diazepam, Lorazepam, Temazepam, Clonazepam, Zopiclone, Zolpidem.

I have spent a total of eight weeks as an inpatient on a psychiatric assesment ward away from my family.

And where am I now????

I have a diagnosis. Rapid cycling Bipolar, which is preventing me from working(and I expect P45 shortly), at times from looking after my son from driving(I was told today for at least another six months). I am several thousand pounds less rich and I have alienated family and friends.

I hate it. it has stolen my life and even at the moment when mood is pretty high again I resent it bitterly. Last week I was very suicidal. Last two nights after no sleep and no quetiapine I am making imposible plans, making endless lists, dancing and look like complete opposite. thats how quick it changes. so how can I ever do more than take each day as it comes, which was ok a year ago but I need more. I don't think the NHS can help me all they can do is try and keep me alive.

So where will I be in another 16 months - Alive I hope but a fully functional stable member of society I have my doubts.

Tears and resolutions

2009-08-26T14:53:00.003+01:00

Today have been tearful. I remember once as a child my Dad would say whatever happens you must never cry. There was physical consequences for this but I won't discuss that here. For once though I am letting the tears flow, well not so much letting as being unable to stop them.

I went to Shrink appointment and managed not to cry there. I told him I had stopped meds for few days. I told him about the thoughts and my low mood. We have decided that I just take the Depakote if I like, until next week and not the Quetiapine. As for my sleep he has prescribed me Clonazepam which I think this will work as it did in hospital. We will review this next week. I can ring Crisis if things get worse.

My CC is coming round tommorow to collect all my old meds I have horded particularly the 40 Zolpidem that play on my mind. I know this is sensible but I just don't want to give them up. If things get too bad they are my last way to silence the thoughts. And I know how that sounds, but I feel like I need to have them there. Will try and do the right thing.

Still falling

2009-08-25T19:32:00.003+01:00

Not sure I have ever felt so low, I mean I must have but I don't recall it.

Even things which are usually guaranteed to raise my mood- good music tracks, chocolate, pampering myself, just don't do anything and are too much of an effort. I thought skipping meds last night might elevate me but it hasn't. Last night I took four sleeping tablets and still thoughts wouldn't leave me. Thoughts of ending this and how. I wanted to scream. I would have rung the crisis team but I never find they are of any use, they tell me to distract myself( as if I would be ringing them if that was possible.)

I only left the house to pick up my son for ten minutes and I found myself crying on the way home. I never cry. I can't eat .

Tommorow I have another appointment with CC and Psychiatrist, but I don't know whether it is worth going. Where have I actually come in a year? I don't think I can be helped. They just want me to take meds I can't tolerate. I try to tell my boyfriend about last nights thoughts but he just said 'not again' and I didn't reveal the half of it. I'm supposed to be stable right?

I don't really know what to write, I don't like to write such negative posts but it is how things are. And I'm supposed to ring work thursday to see if I have improved and can go back next week. Still haven't heard back from employment support allowance application I did over phone so I have had no money since February/March though can't worry about that now.

2009-08-24T23:41:00.002+01:00

Mood is still low here. My partner is off work this week which means I have to pretend that everything is ok, which makes being depressed twice as hard. On positive he gets son up so I can stay in bed in morning and let the Quetiapine wear off. I got out today and took son to park which was improvement on last week when I didnt leave the house for more than five minutes.
I have decided today that I may give up on medication. The Temazepam they prescribed me doesn't work. The only thing that did work to sedate was the Lorazepam and I am not allowed that because I have taken several overdoses before Care co-ordinator has visited, although I don't remember these. In fact I don't remember much lately and my concentration is poor at best. I think this is down to either the Quetiapine or the Depakote. I know Depakote is responsible for weight gain and hair loss I am experiencing and the Quetiapine is responsible for the lethargy and loss of mornings. So I have not taken tonights dosage and will see how a few days clear will go. Watch this space.

Unfit for forseeable future

2009-08-20T22:30:00.003+01:00

Yesterday went to see new shrink,as my actual one is on holiday for a few weeks. I told him about my hair loss from the Depakote and he said he will reduce it and see how we go. I also told him sleep was a problem, I asked for some Temazepam and he said he will give me some in the short term. It should be dropped off tommorow so that will be good.

This week my mood has been low. Low enough for me to contemplate swallowing the sleeping tabolets I have -one zolpidem doesn't work but 36 might eh! and they're so easy to swallow being tiny. I have spent week on sofa, when I have to go out, to go nursery then I think people are watching me and I keep seing people I met in hospital, including staff. The shrink said that last time I went for appointment with my usual doctor I told her I was responsible for swine flu, I think I am more concerned at having no recollection of this than how dellusional it sounds. THE DRUGS ARE EATING MY BRAIN.

Today I went into work and saw occupational health, I told her I have every intention of coming back to work on the 4th september as need to get out of house and need money. She said sorry but she can't allow that as from what I am telling her about my memory and concentration and sleep she thinks it will make my condition worse, she said she will see me in a week but if no change she will advise mangers to not allow me back. I'm not sure what this will mean -I have been off work for five months since first hospitalised and before that I was only at work for few months after another six month break. Think they may try and dismiss me under capability. And so I am unfit for the forseeable future. Filled in my Employee support form over phone so will see how it goes.

I made it to one year old!!

2009-08-12T16:09:00.003+01:00

My blog is now one year old. Who would have thought I could sustain anything for a year especially considering the year I have had, those who read here will know what I mean. I can't help but feel a sense of achievement at having come this far. Although my posting has been sparce of late, this blog has helped me a lot. I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to read or comment. It has made me feel less isolated in what to me has been, at times a lonely illness. Thanks and I'm sending cyber cake for all.!!

These nights are killing me.

2009-08-10T23:05:00.003+01:00

Saw CPN today she said how pleased she was that things were going better for me and how weell I seemed. And yes I am better, at least I am in the day. But it's these nights they're killing me. I can't sleep, I feel so anxious, I have to go out, I get up then sit down then get up...... I dance,cook,clean...

I think up ideas ..maybe I will go college in september, maybe I will get signed back on and go back to work earlier. Maybe I will look for new work, maybe I will start a business, become self employed.. Ideas that never take hold or come to anything.

I can't sleep, the Quetiapine doesn't render sleep anymore. I feel tired all day, but have my son to look after then when he is in bed and I could sleep, it's like somebody switches the lights on and this energy comes. Last night I took Diazepam and Lorazepam and still I didn't sleep. It's no wonder the days pass by like dreams, dreams that can be remembered only once you awake and are then forgotten forever. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

A stable week

2009-08-06T20:26:00.002+01:00

I am not depressed anymore. In fact at the moment I am actually feeling ok. I have had the best week I can remember in that I have been stable.

On monday I didn't take my meds. That is because I wanted to test out the theory of whther my body was dependant on them, do I need them?. Result was no sleep at all. I was out in the rain at 2 am.Pacing,cooking,over alert. The other thing that concerns me is my memory, I can't seem to remember things. Like What I said to my care co-ordinator last time she came round(less than week ago) Or what I got up to when in hospital. I think this is down to meds. I also got withdrawal shakes. Conclusion is that I take the meds for now, but I am scared that I will have to take them for the rest of my life or go back to having the symptoms of my illness plus drug withdrawal symptoms, so worse than being back to square one. I hate taking these pills they stick in my throat on the way down, but I can't risk being in hospital on a section 3. And I am beginning to feel balanced on them.

I saw occupational health at work last week. She declared me unfit to work, with the sleeping in the day and all the meds, and the fact I was in hospital six weeks prior and nearly under MHA she said she doesn't think I would sustain a return, so I have been signed off for another month. I am relieved but I could do with some income. I haven't been claiming benefits but have applied for Employment support allowance now for at least some money to tied me over. We'll see.

No More Loraz and pill counting

2009-07-30T21:15:00.002+01:00

Quiet few days while my mood continues to snow dive. Haven't been leaving house or changing clothes accept where neccesary which is a bad sign.
Care co-ordinator came round on tuesday and we talked about contraception as I can't be on ~Depakote without anything permanent. I think they prob would be happiest if I was sterilised like they used to do in the fifties. I was then given some time with the shrink on wednesday only I fell asleep and was late. I have been falling asleep in the day a lot, reasons being I am getting little sleep at night and that I am taking Lorazepam in the day to stop the thoughts which are coming back, thoughts that I am evil and crap and not worthy of life. And so the Loraz leave me in a semi state of conciousness where I forget what I have discussed with people after they have left. The Psychiastrist is stopping the Lorazepam for Diazepam not sure it will help me as much and I have a nice stack of sleeping pills which I no longer use as ineffective just put away for eventualities.

What was up must come down

2009-07-26T19:43:00.003+01:00

Feeling a bit low here at present which is why I haven't blogged. Had a funeral on wednesday my partner's cousin she wqas disabled from birth and never expected to live until a great age but at 20 it was still sad. Made me think of my own mortality, how close I've come to one of those coffins.

I doubt I would have the same turn out, people would no doubt be more angry than upset I would have let them down its not the same as when you die naturally is it? People assume you died because you were weak when really I would have died of an illness no different from any other.

About a year ago I took an overdose which led me to A&E, back when I was naive enough to think 16 paracetamol would kill me. It's been a year and now I have a diagnosis- Rapid cycling Bipolar disorder, I have care workers, plans, and am on a whole lot of meds but still those thoughts creep in finding every free crack to seep in their intrusive thoughts.

There are days when I accept my diagnosis am happy that I do at least experience some highs of mood and am not chronicaly depressed and can for the most part maintain a grip on reality. Then there are the other days when I can't be strong anymore when I know it will kill me, and if it doesn't then do I really want to live as I have the last year. If I'm honest there are times when I want to die, when I've laid there and held my breathe til I'm dizzy, but that never works.

I think I'm just in a low spot, being a rapid cycler I can take courage that my mood will go up again. But I'm tired of the cycle, in fact I'm exhausted I wan't to be left alone to be how it was before - If I could remember how that was.

On top of that I am becoming quite the recluse, apart from the obligatory trip to nursery to drop of my son I don't go out and when I do it's after taking a few Lorazepam (which I have come to depend on) I just stay in and think or if I take sevral Loraz then sleep. At the funeral I had to run out because I had a panic attack and was going to faint.

I saw work on tuesday and I'm signed off until 6th August they are having meeting to see if they will let me come back and on what terms. With all these thoughts in my head and the tiredness I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but I haven't been paid since february,as stat sick pay ran out and benefits not sorted right and can't seem to get throught to DWP.

Anyway that's my week..........

My comrades in hospital

2009-07-18T21:57:00.005+01:00

Going to go back now and do a post I was going to do a while back about the people I met over the 8 weeks I spent in hospital. I am not mentioning these by names as that would be unfair on them, but I write this post so that readers can get an idea of the type of people one might meet whilst in a Psychiatric ward of a busy city hospital. I mention no names and represent my view not their actual diagnosis.

There was M
M I would assume to be Bipolar, from the fact that she seemed quite manic most of the time. M would often change her clothes 2-3 times a day. Each outfit very unique, picture floral leggins coloured Dr Martins and gypsie tops, tartan dresses, frilly skirts. She would wake in morning walk around with her stereo find a socket and dance around for a while in quiet room on her own. I was told she had tried to strip the day before I came on ward but I never saw that. Always pleasant to me, She would shout things up the corridors. The day they moved her to a treatment ward they used an empty duvet cover for her clothes as she had that many. I won't forget the conversation she had with me when I was missing my son one day. She said go to bed, stop all this dancing etc, play their game. Don't be like me. My son was young like yours the first time I came in here and hes grown now, don't waste that time. I saw her again on my recent admission, she seemed quieter.

Then K
K was a young man about 20. I believe He was a paranoid Schitzophrenic, as that's what I heard nurses say. He exposed himself to me and other female patients on two occasions both in a very bizare and (stretching) way. He was quite loud, didn't trust any of the staff and was restrained very day of the 5-6 days I think he spent on our ward. He had come in voluntarily and gone out on a section 3 to another ward. Yes he could be scary at times, but I remember the conversations I had with him where he was quite sweet. He told me he had been in and out of hospitals since being a child and so he had never knew what it was like to do anything normal like having a girlfriend. I saw him in the corridor a few months later they were letting him out after 2 months I hope he doesn't have to come back to those wards.

There was J
J was a lady from Thailand whose English was very limited. The first time I met J she ran up to myself and shouted 'FUCKER' in her Thai accent, it did startle me but knowing where I was I just got on with making tea. I later had to havebed next to her. That first night I woke to her face screaming "I not do what you want from me". I could also see she had been through my things. I took her out into corridor made us a drink and we chatted. I'm not sure why J was there but from what I gathered she had come to UK to be married to a rich man he had married her but forced her to do what she called 'bad' things, which involved video making she put it. She got away from that and now has new boyfriend but she gets confused and lashes out on him for ex husbands wrongs. she tried to kill him and ended up here. Believe me it is difficult to piece that together from a reluctant mainly Thai speaking angry woman. She was on the ward a weeek before being transferred for treatment.

There was T
T told me she was Bipolar. T was very abrupt and told you exactly what she thought of you. She said she could hear the voice of God telling her to do things or advising her. I think she used this as an excuse for rudeness as I heard her say things like 'God thinks you should have a bath' or 'God says you are too loose with your sex'. She told a friend I made in there, that she looked like her care co-ordinator who was a bitch, "so your a bitch too.". She only lasted few days on ward before she was moved becuase of the trouble she was causing.

D
D was the most troubled person I met whilst in there I think. Not that she thought she was. D thought she was an alien born on venus and orbiting the Earth. Everyone wanted to attack her energy apart from me. She wouldn't talk to her doctors because they had evil looks and then when they got another doctor then it was because they had glasses. When her daughter rang me she wouldn't take the call because it was an imposter. She used to frantically clean the hospital but problem was she used to pour water down the electric sockets and in the back of the fridge she insisted on pulling out, she therefore got stopped doing this with meds. When I saw her just before I left she still had these ideas, this saddened me.

Js
Js came in one day when I had been to oc health to make clay animals. He had a hoodie, and a distinct smell of Eau de B.O. After I had been speaking to one of my friends he came over and sat in her seat. I think his opening line was 'I've been watching you and I know everything about you' he then told me my name, diagnosis, where I worked how old I was. with pinpoint accuracy. I think it must have been a fluke?. Anyhow he told me he had spent the last half an hour detox me from my meds because he loved me. He told me that he was meant for me not my fiance. All this was ok at first but then he started to get nasty if anyone else on the ward talked to me, if a HCA talked to me , I was sleeping with him. He told me he was Judas Iscariot and Jesus and I was mary Magdeline. he was on the ward to get me. He was moved from the ward after few days, and a complaint from me,.

I met many more people during those 8 weeks I spent there in total. But some who are now friends I won't write about. Most only spent a week there and needed a little push and support to get back on track. I was happy for those people. However the one common thing in patients was they mostly seemed to have a drug or/and alcohol problem. I saw one of my friends thrown off the ward for this, as you can't assess a drunk person. Others didn't get the full help they needed because of this obstruction.

These people were my comrades through some long and dark days. I have passed some since leaving hospital, our eyes meeting with a knowing look, neither wanting to acknowledge where we've been. I won't forget my time on A42 and A43 of the QMC and those I met there.

A positive week

2009-07-16T22:05:00.002+01:00

Saw my new Psychiatrist yesterday. Have spent the last few days in bed with Flu, but managed to drag myself there and feel better now. She seemed nice, attentive and non patronising which is a difficult mix I think. She confirmed that she thinks I also have Bipolar Disorder.

She just asked quite a few questions really,and will see me agin in a few weeks. I am to stay on my meds, although I think due to the risks of Depakote and pregnancy she would rather I went on Depakote, but I don;t want to play that card yet.

So I have been a good little bunny and taking meds to a T this week, and that along with taking a lot of flu medicines and having plenty of sleep which is very rare has meant my mental state has been good this week.

On tuesday seeing boss at work re returning at the end of month, have been having afternoon naps recently so will have to knock those on head and try and get some level of concentration back.

Does Illness make you selfish?

2009-07-13T21:55:00.003+01:00

I've been a bad blogger recently I apologise not posting or reading as much as I should or would like but truth is the first half of the year has been a funny one for me, in and out of hospital these last few months out of work changing care workers and just trying as we all do to find that something be it meds or counselling or some other Ephiphany that will give us some quality of life.(still searching)

Now that I have been reflecting on my time in hospital, namely the fact that in the last five months I spent nine weeks there and was admitted three times. I have started to thinking the effect this has had on the people close to me for the first time.
Whilst I was in hospital dancing on window ledges, climbing room divides, getting restrained, laughing, joking, sometimes shouting and running off the wards I didn't think about how my partner or mum and siblings would feel about this. Does this make me selfish?

My Mum never knew I was ill until I was admitted in March, she knew I was a bit down but not anything warranting hospital, and never a lifelong disorder like Bipolar. To go from not knowing anything to being told your daughter was recued from top of multi storey car park is hard hitting. I later found out she cried for three days. My sister along side her. How could they have missed this. I had always been the one they came to the strong perfect one. Always taking everything on the chin, happy, easy going. They thought.

My Partner knew about all the suicide attempts he has been with all the crap over the past few years so was not as much of a shock. Still doesnt prepare you for your girlfriend ringing you to pick uo your son becuase she in a cell under a section 136 for the third time in two weeks. He not really knowing much about mental health and such assumed I was going to get carted off to a specific mental hospital for months to years. Having to make decisions as to whether I should be sectioned up to six months or not, whilst being told by social workers the wrong decision could be fatal is a tough one. Having to bring me clothes and leave me in those places. Having your son ask for mummy but not be old enough to explain what was going on to.

I never really considered this. In my eyes. All I could see was the injustice of being locked up and thats why I escaped the ward twice, tried to leave another 2 times, and asked to leave nearly every day. I had to endure 24 hour days with little to do. Poor hospital food and sometimes frightening company so I had it worse right? That's all I could think of.

So I think Illness doesn't necessarily make us selfish, that sounds a little harsh, but what it does do is make us very short sighted at times, so we can only really see the difficulties in front of us as we experience them in the throws of a particular episode etc. And we forget what we are doing to other people. Every action has a consequence not just for ourselves but those around.

2009-07-02T14:42:00.003+01:00

Mood shifted sunday after my friends coaxed me out of the house to attend a spa session. All the different rooms, spas, saunas etc left me feeling vey relaxed but happy. It was the best 25.00 I've spent in ages. I'm telling you now, it was much more useful than the 8 sessions of CBT I was given back last year, and a whole lot cheaper. Maybe NHS should look into alternative therapies.

Anyway really feel quite good here, although heat becoming unbearable and keeping me in. Have decided to go back to work in a couple of weeks, need to discuss this with them, care co-ordinator and health team think this is too soon.

Am still getting jerks and tremors in my hands will discuss this with the shrink who I am seeing tommorow.

My week

2009-06-27T20:12:00.003+01:00

Ok haven't posted here this week because it has been such a hard week. generally if i don;t post its for one of too reasons. 1. Life itself is too much of a chore so blogging becomes impossible or 2. I am unable to blog as locked away somewhere they say is for my own safety.

This week was number one. It's not been a good week. I have been the lowest I can remember for a long time. Depression is not pleasant. It took five days for me to change the clothes I was in that's waking and sleeping in and to get a shower. 15 minutes to brush the knots from my naturally curly hair, and despite being told we had some of the nicest weather this week I only opened my curtains once. Don't ~I sound attractive?

I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts this week, which I might have acted on if I had the motivation to. Plus I have only a very limited supply of meds they are supplying me with to avoid this temptation. So I have merely hibernated on the sofa with blanket and try sedating myself when things got too bad.

I will have had five visits from services by the end of this week. I'm not sure if i welcome this support or not. It's all very well someone telling you to go out for a coffee or have a shower or eat but if you just can't find a reason to it's all pointless game playing.

I saw my psychiatrist on friday he has upped the Quetiapine to 400mg and kept the Depakote at 1750. I am starting to get twitches in my hands not shakes but little jerks am not sure which of these pair are to blame but one I'm sure I did mention it but it was skipped over, I think as long as ~I am alive and away from high buildings they aren't too bothered.

So you see here's my predicament what do you do when you are forced to take meds which you know have thrown you into a low mood therefore making you feel crap but if you don't you will be taken to hospital where you will prob be fed the same crap, only you will also be deprived of freedom.

Crisis team are visiting me tommorow to check if the usual 3 have I ate, slept, taken meds. Another week goes by.

The revolving door

2009-06-20T13:34:00.002+01:00

Since monday I was in hospital again. After my overdose of Lorazepam I had a review on the monday and it was decided that with my low mood and recent events I was too risky to be in the community. Same old really crap food, hard beds boring, boring , boring..Hourse spent staring at walls

I really am the revolving door patient at the moment. I am only out because I convinced my boyfriend to veto the section 3 for a treatment order for uo to six months.

Two doctors and a social worker thought I should be in hospital for up to six months. What does that tell you La-reve? Your ILL,Seriously, time to face the light of day. Yet I still think I am fine, I take there pills not because I think I'm ill but out of fear of their wards. What should I do with myself? Four admisissions in three months. But no, I know better. Hmm and they won't give me any benzo and am edgy and jittery , but when I do have the benzos then am a sedated zombie. I just want to live, a normal, balanced, average life. Is that too much? -To go back before IT arrived. Want to smash it out of me, cut it away but it is me and I am it. so to erradicate it would be to erradicate me~? Not sure, off to search for a benzo.

Blip turned into bigger blip

2009-06-12T20:40:00.002+01:00

On wednesday my son turned two. We had a really nice day at the farm but it was a reminder, a reminder of when things started to go wrong after I had him. Also I have beeen suffering from sa slump in mood and with it the intrusive thoughts. Thoughts I am evil, thoughts I have commited the things I see on the news, thoughts I need to eradicate this evil.
I took a Lorezepam on thursday morning to erradicate this thought, then I took another and another until I had taken seven I washed them down with four sleepers I had 28 more sleeping tablets to go but I wasn't trying to kill myself but eradicate the thoughts. Thing is if the two happened to collide at that moment in time it didn't seeem to matter.

i then decided to go to shrink appointment and met CC who wqas giving me a lift next part bit of blur but told her about what I had taken was very slurry and attended appointment where it was decided I should go back on the ward for a while. That was last night and one of the worst of my life. The patients were so loud and they wouldn't give me any more meds so I didn't sleep at all.

Anyway they were going to do a Mental Health Act Assesment but they decided to let me go home today to see crisis over weekened and review situation on monday. If I don't completely comply with correct med taking in next ten days they will go for a section 3 order.

A blip

2009-06-06T20:29:00.003+01:00

Well Shrink has swapped the risperidone for quetiapine from last night 300mg initially. Am very tired as result today, hit a blip. Feel so shit hate this damn illness, I have a diagnosis a label now but it all means nothing- NO LAREVE you are wrong it means a lifelong balancing of well being of being stressed and letting it go that little bit to far into mania or depression. It means a lot of pills , maybe a lifetime of them. And for what. So I can live never to my full potential but like a plant half shadowed shadowed by this malfunction.

I counted today.

31 sleeping pills
20-30 other prescribed meds
48 paracetamol.

The slope is a slippery one and I am on the precipitice