What you tried to say to me

My beloved friends

2009-04-11T13:48:00.003-05:00

Being that tomorrow is the day I cherish more than any other I'd like to say....

I love you Corry and Pia! I'm sorry I've been gone so long and left you without a "goodbye". I've never stopped praying for you and never stopped loving you and I never will.

And....

Home is a Honda CR-V

2009-04-04T23:38:00.004-05:00

Back. Time has sped by and my life is still the same. After four years of living with my sister I've run the gamut of my illnesses, my husband has been laid off (Thanksgiving of 2008) and we are now back...living in our car. My sister and BIL deemed us unworthy as roommates due to our lack of funds and inability to pay rent. What a swell family.

My mental health has spiraled downward and I'm now addicted to cutting. I'm on many medications for depression and what not but the power of cutting is intoxicating.

Changing the subject. Hubby and I spend our days looking for places to park, find places to shower and obtain internet access so that he can look for jobs. I desire the internet access to feed my other obsession which is all things, "Twilight". I'm also addicted to Robert Pattinson and I know that makes me a 48 year old cougar but you have to be nuts if you think I care. Living is so hard. Give me fantasy, good dreams (if I can sleep) and anything to take away the pain of a broken heart caused by the evil done by my family.

Limbo of hell

2007-09-08T00:32:00.000-05:00

I sat in the broken down chair, one hand held a large hand filled with pills the other hand a bottle of water. As if in slow motion the left hand slowly drew closer to my mouth. Closer. Closer still. My hand so close I could smell the bitter odor of the pills. My lips parted. I felt such joy, such power and the end to my pain was only an inch from my mouth.

Why the fuck did I stop? Why did I put those pills of mercy back in the bottle? I have no one. I get sympathy and people that claim they "know" but they don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they could feel my pain for one second I think they would die instantly.

And for heavens sake don't pity me. I'm not to be pitied. I don't want anyone to care, I don't want anyone comforting me. I just want the pain to stop.

A return

2007-06-22T03:27:00.000-05:00

Isn't this an odd feeling? I've been away so long...I don't feel like I belong. I've let a lot of people down and I'm sorry about that. I just needed a change. One day I sat down and skimmed over all my posts and realized that the current theme was one of negativity and lack of change.

Sad to say, nothing in my life has changed. I'm still living with my sister, I'm still sick and money is always a problem.

I found an interesting group of people with a different focus than mine and have been spending time chatting with them on a message board. It was fun for awhile. I got away from all my problems and "met" some truly awesome people. But the same thing is happening there that happened here. I get to a point where everyone is moving on with their lives yet I'm still stuck in this quirky limbo.

What to do, what to do. I don't see a future for me. How is my life ever going to be lived if I can't participate? I guess this needs to be my focus. Growth, change and all that philosophical stuff sounds wonderful in theory but when you have a crippling illness...change is attitude only. I don't want to be sunshine and sweetness any more. I don't want to be the kind loving person that forgives and sits back and watches life pass her by. I want to be angry. I want to say my honest thoughts instead of politically correct crap.

They shoot horses don't they?

She's been gone

2007-03-31T07:34:00.000-05:00

Oops, sorry I haven't posted in sooooooooo long. I've been very sick and...I found a new passion. I belong to this forum and we talk about "stuff". Very cryptic I know but it's a secret.

TTFN

At the end of the day or my open "dumpsville" letter to WK

2007-02-25T03:30:00.000-06:00

Will, what is the matter with you? Do you not get the enormity of what you are giving up? She is a light shining so bright and so filled with kindness, generosity and intelligence. You are not worthy to be a part of her life unless you are man enough to admit the truth and grab the brass ring.

From this day forward, you no longer exist. Your life will pale in comparison to what might have been.

Stepping down from my soapbox.

Happy Valentines Day gifts for me…nudge, nudge, say no more…

2007-02-14T00:24:00.000-06:00

This is my list of hot, charismatic, gorgeous or sexy men:

Bam Margera

Christian Bale

Clive Owens

Daniel Dae Kim

David Bowie

Eddie Izzard

Eric Bana

Errol Flynn

Gerard Butler (Oh my gosh, this man is incredible)

Hill Harper

Hugh jackman

Hugh Laurie

Jake Weber

James Franco

James Marsters (my Spike)

Jeff Goldblum

Johnny depp

Josh Bernstein

Kaysar Ridha (Big Brother hottie)

Lenny Kravitz

Marton Csokas

Michael Greyeyes (wow)

Michael Spears

Michio Kaku

Phil Keoghan

Steve Buscemi

Wentworth Miller

Wesley Snipes

Yul Brynner

Some are old, some are young, some are deceased but all have captured my…well, you know.

Just say no...

2007-02-12T03:17:00.000-06:00

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe...
And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

For Charlotte Bronte

2007-02-04T23:52:00.000-06:00

This is my whisper…Please, please make it real. Give it the attention and care it deserves. Breathe life, passion and truth into this film. Give her the wings to fly, the wings she was denied.

...At a very young age (six or seven) I watched the movie “Jane Eyre” and was riveted. It was the 1944 version with Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles. Around age twelve I found the book (Jane Eyre) in my neighborhood library and after reading the book once I read it once again. The author Charlotte Bronte and her story of Jane Eyre profoundly affected me. I almost feel as though I actually know her. It’s a bit spooky.

The other day I found out that a movie is in the works about her life. I believe Michelle Williams (Dawson’s Creek, Brokeback Mountain) will play the part of Charlotte. My fondest wish would be that the movie shows the truest essence of the Bronte’s and commercialization doesn’t over shadow the picture.

I feel…embarrassed…I have so much in my heart and head but trying to put everything into words is very difficult for me. I hope this explains my post...

A small treasured gift

2007-02-02T03:11:00.000-06:00

It’s close to 3am…I’m cloaked in darkness except for the dim light from my computer screen…through the bedroom window I see a strange other worldly light reflecting off the snow. My night has turned an odd shade of purple and I can see the parked cars and houses down my street as far as my window’s view allows. Stillness…peace…snow.

I’m blue

2007-01-28T02:14:00.000-06:00

Since I can recall, my favorite color has always been blue. I enjoy other colors but blue is the most beautiful to me. So what’s up with all the green coming my way? No, not money, oh how lovely that would be…I mean quiz results at “blogthings”. From, what color should you paint your room to what is your true color, all the results end in GREEN. I was taught not to wear green as a teen I was told it made me look too pale or washed out but I get more compliments when I wear green than at any other time.

Am I missing something?

As for me being blue, I’m serious about that mood. I know of at least four friends that are struggling with serious problems and I can’t help anyone of them. Tick tock, tick tock…waiting.

As random as I am…why the heck didn’t I realize that physics could be so truly interesting. The first part of my life I hid my true self and just deflected the bad that came my way. My mind was sharp, clear and focused but hidden. Now that I’m older and have opened up my brain to all the knowledge the world has to offer I can’t even retain a smidgen of the information I used to. Also, black holes do not exist…at least not with the descriptors given to explain their existence, IMO.

My sister was speaking with my BIL on the phone the other day. She told my BIL that I was lonely for stimulating conversation now that he (BIL) has a job and we rarely spend time together. My sister cupped the mouth piece of the phone and asked me to give her something very intelligent to say so she could appear to be up on current events. I told her to tell my BIL that archeologists finally discovered that the Oompa Loompas originated from the depths of the Marianas Trench. She very hesitantly relayed the message to my BIL not sure of how to word this juicy tidbit of news but it wasn’t long before I was rewarded with a slap to my leg from my loving sister and I heard hysterical laughter coming from the phone. The best part was when my sister turned to me and said, “What’s an Oompa Loompa”?

Listening to...

2007-01-21T01:59:00.000-06:00

Michael W. Smith's “Agnus Dei”…it’s been so long…JNF! Tiny pin-pricks of light, light filled with the heavenly spirit, like soft raindrops falling down onto my skin. I am gently cradled in a diaphanous cloak of something euphoric and pure. Something sent from God.

This rare moment will be lovingly kept in my treasure box with a love everlasting for my Lord.

Plank in my eye

2007-01-02T01:12:00.000-06:00

Why are people celebrating his hanging? We are all sinners and will face judgment one day. Instead of rejoicing that he was put to death we should look in the mirror first, be ever vigilant about our own failings and search for ways to be a guiding light to others.

Still here, don’t know how and wish I wasn’t

2006-12-18T06:05:00.000-06:00

With that said… I’ve barely kept this blog alive. I want to apologize to all my friends new and old, Internet or in my daily life. Ironically, I feel the same about my blog as I do my life. I don’t have the energy for either but I promised my loved ones I would fight. Too bad I didn’t promise to be courageous, witty and kind. I’m cranky, angry and I just want to scream.

I have two more ct scans to go through in the next month and a half, a heart stress test and about three other procedures I can’t pronounce or spell. One doctor feels it’s highly probable that I have cancer in my stomach, another doctor has mentioned maybe throat cancer and last but not least, the latest specialist is very certain my ailment is due to heart problems.

My worst fears are coming to fruition. I’m going to die slowly, painfully and leave my poor husband with so much debt that he’ll never financially recover. Hell, we are still so far in debt now, what’s a few hundred thousand dollars more?

Must stop being so morbid…I just can’t help the crashing waves of emotion coursing through my heart, soul and mind.

Dreams…who knew how evil and tortuous dreams could be but at the same time they are all I live for. In my dreams I can still run, breathe easy, talk, sing and just live in full Technicolor splendor. My body is alive, free and pulsating with the essence of existing. Then, I wake up and reality sucks away the pure and simple pleasures that I took for granted for so long.

Yes, I’m a very overly dramatic person and for all I know I could merely have a benign tumor in my throat that could be dealt with safely through medication or surgery. Maybe after all the test results have been analyzed and the doctor consultations I’ll be reassured and I’ll be right as rain in no time. But this is ME, my life has been a train wreck from the get go and I’ve been waiting for the “good times” that everyone speaks about but they never come.

Now, getting to the gist of this little blog post…There are many lovely human beings in the world and I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with them through my blog. I want these people to know how much you have impacted my life and given me strength to face life head on. I miss spending time with you all. I miss our back and forth chatter. At the moment, I can’t keep up. I refuse to end this blog but I can only post sparingly. I appreciate you all and I am awed at how many of you wonderful friends have stuck by me even though I don’t reciprocate. Thank you.

Froggie

Kay-ron

Zoe

Also, please don’t be offended if I left your name from the above list. I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree of late, what with all the meds I’m taking.

P.S. Janelle won VH1’s Reality Star of 2006…GO JANIE!

Whispers from my heart

2006-12-05T00:35:00.000-06:00

I can’t write. I have so much to say (as usual) but my words don’t match my thoughts and my thoughts are scattered.

I’ll be back sometime soon. I feel so much love for you all and my dear friends!

Save the cheerleader, save the world…

Just like the Colonel

2006-11-05T15:59:00.000-06:00

Listening to…

Lady Sovereign “Love Me or Hate Me”

Audioslave “Be Yourself”

Gnarls Barkley “Crazy”

Cinderella “Nobody’s Fool”

Evanescence “Call Me When You’re Sober”

Feeling lonely and on edge. Can’t deal with husband’s histrionics…don’t say you are one way and act the other.

Lame, I know

2006-10-29T03:25:00.000-06:00

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times...
You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall brings
Whether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

What Season Are You?

You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Pure evil

2006-10-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

IMO…

North Korea is a CULT not a country.

How sad…

Another conversation with my sister

2006-10-01T04:11:00.000-05:00

(Addressing my sister in the kitchen after giving my nieces Sand Crabs fresh water)

Me: So, you do realize that the crabs are out of food?

Sis: Uh, no. They’re really out?

Me: Well, if you consider a trace amount being out of food then yes they are out of food.

Sis: Oh wow, really?

Me: I’d have to say YES.

Sis: What should I do now?

Me: (Thinking to myself, I’m must be kind) I’m not a rocket scientist but you should probably buy more food for the poor ignored creatures.

Sis: Yeah, but where?

Me: (Oh Lord, give me strength to be kind) I’m thinking a pet store would be a good choice. Maybe the same place you bought the crabs initially the same place you bought the starter food along with the crabs.

Sis: At the Mall?

Me: (Is this real, is she really that dim) Yeah, if that’s where you bought them.

Sis: Oh, okay that’s what I’ll do.

Me: Great.

What is wrong with me? (Continuing thoughts on BB)

2006-09-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

I’m obsessed, addicted and I can’t stop my behavior. Folks, I’m addicted to the idea of Janelle and Will having a possible romance. I spend lots of time at youtube.com and other Big Brother sites watching video clips of Janelle and Will. I guess when you have no life, you live vicariously through others.

During this season of Big Brother All Stars I was glued to the live feeds watching what appeared to be a real romance between the couple. Will adamantly denies it and claims he still loves his girlfriend Erin but after watching the video clips it looks to me that Will has fallen head over hills for Janelle and vice versa.

I would hate for Erin or Janelle to be hurt by what happens next but a part of me is just completely mesmerized with the thought of Janelle and Will having that fairy tale ending.

Please…someone just knock me out. No really, just literally knock me out!

Big Brother All Stars...my take...

2006-09-11T08:27:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, wake up Mike “Boogie”, your rise to the top was Will’s doing. Boogie you are a woman objectifying boy and you have nothing in the skills department that would earn you a place in the Final 2. Let me repeat, Will got you there buddy and of course Erika.

Moving onto Erika, plain and simple you are the symbol of all that is unwomanly. With your fake breasts and your disgusting juvenile coy behavior, it makes me want to vomit. The only way you can make yourself feel better is to speak derogatorily about Janie and constantly remind everyone that you masterminded the whole Chilltown take-over. You were played Erika and wait till you find out how much you were played. I would give my teeth to see your reaction to the Diary Room speeches about you. Boogie called you a Ho, ugly and a b***h. He said kissing you was akin to licking an ashtray. It’s very telling that you find him more attractive once you found out he was a supposed, “Bad boy”.

Will…*sigh*…you are worse than Boogie and Erika put together. A thirty-three year old doctor seemly well traveled, cultured, mannered and of a certain upper class and yet you showed the lowest kind of human behavior. Your tricks and lies to get your friend to the winners circle were cruel, mean-spirited and shameful.

For example, to push a woman’s buttons by using her biological clock or desire to be a mother is worse than Johnny Fair Play’s lie regarding the fake death of his grandmother. His ploy although repugnant at least had strategy and game play written all over it but to tug on Erika and Janelle’s maternal yearnings is reprehensible. I being a woman unable to conceive take this personally.

Secondly, your behavior towards Janelle and thus indirectly towards Erin Brodie is not only ungentlemanly but disrespectful on so many levels. You broke both their hearts.

And Janelle, I speak for many people, we LOVE you sweetie! You are the true winner.

Oh and CBS…you really dropped the ball this season. The competitions were sloppy at best and even from the audience’s point of view, not fun to watch. Next season, please do not allow the House Guests to whisper!

Where's the rain?

2006-08-18T14:32:00.000-05:00

Stop it, stop it right now! I know this is Texas and it is summer but how many weeks of triple digit temperatures can a person take.

I know, I'm shutting up.

Unease

2006-08-08T11:49:00.000-05:00

I just read a news article at CNN (online) and I’m not sure if I should be angry or happy. There are only a few brief chapters of my childhood that I can remember that bring to mind joy, safety and childish exuberance. When my father was stationed at Ft. Belvoir, Virginia my life was as close to being perfect as a dysfunctional life could ever hope to be. I still remember the smell of the air on crisp autumn mornings and riding my bike for hours Saturday mornings and most of all, my beloved mother always being there for every skinned knee or the fabulous weekend picnics with our neighbors.

When I read the CNN article I felt like someone yanked the last remaining bit of broken foundation from underneath my feet. The gist of the article is this; the military wants to build a theme park next to Ft. Belvoir. I feel very uncomfortable about the whole project but I don’t know why. Maybe I just need some time to process the information.

My bit of heaven

2006-08-07T02:43:00.000-05:00

No more kitchen duty for me.

I took my stand and told my sister I could no longer clean everyone’s dishes. My husband and I have basically gone the paper-plate, plastic utensil route and any other kitchen items we dirty we clean immediately and put away. I think the real truth as to why it took me so long to put my foot down was simply that I didn’t want to face being the burden I’m fighting/fought so hard not to become. I’m saying goodbye to my independence one chore at a time.

Some peace of mind has trickled into my life by way of new/homemade bedroom furniture. My husband put the old queen mattress set we were using in storage and built a bunk bed giving us more space in my sister’s tiny guest room. My old recliner is now in the bedroom along with a new larger TV and PVR with taping abilities. Next to my chair, my husband has a very tiny computer desk so we are together again, although very cramped. I only leave the bedroom for bathroom visits, my meals and to baby-sit my sister’s dog when everyone is gone. Her little dog is so small and so cute; I hate to hear her howl when my sister and BIL leave the house.

I hadn’t realized how much stress being in close proximity to my sister and niece was causing me until now. Sometimes, as I walk from the kitchen, down the hallway to my room I hear their voices, some of their conversations and the tension between my family members is like a choking fog. I scamper back to my sanctuary and even though the room is so small that two grown adults have to play “you move this way, I’ll move that way” to get to a chair, bed or door it’s a splendid bit of heaven.

Sadness and Madness

2006-07-28T07:48:00.000-05:00

Until now I have been unable to write about an area of my life that has my heart aching. It concerns the conflict between the Jewish people and Palestinian people. I have my own conflict about the situation within me and I am hesitant to put my thoughts to paper.

Scores of human lives have been traumatized and murdered on both sides of the conflict and this is not acceptable to me. Call me naive, call me uninformed but I’ve often wondered why people just can’t compromise…just love one another. Growing up an army brat I’ve lived in many countries and embraced many different cultures. In general, I find people to be loving, kind, generous and fascinating. Most of us want the same things; to be able support our families, live in peace and worship at the altar of which ever God we choose. I know co-existing is not easy, even with our own family or people with our same religious views. My heart longs for a peaceful solution but my head knows that this will not happen.

Thus, I pray and keep praying…