Culpability

2008-10-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

Here's one (more) thing I struggle with:

2008-07-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Even though the statistics on poverty in developing nations like Ethiopia are staggering, at what point do people from wealthier nations become "entitled" to just take people's children?

There is a huge difference between a parent choosing to relinquish their child and a parent who is guilted or forced into relinquishing their child.

Shouldn't we be more concerned with offering aid and providing resources for self-sustainability?
I realize it's akin to comparing apples and elephants, but in the United States children are forcibly removed from their parents homes in cases of severe abuse and neglect. I don't believe it should considered neglect when an entire family is impoverished and they're doing the best they can with very very little, and I don't believe that the best solution is to tear families apart (whether in the U.S. or abroad). I have a really hard time with the whole "better life" argument.

Here's an interesting article I just came across.

Any thoughts?

Favouritism

2008-07-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

And now for something completely different.

As I'm getting deeper and deeper into the everyday act of parenting the children I've been blessed with, I'm starting to wonder whether some of the differences in their attitudes and coping strategies might stem from the fact that one of my children was a nanny favourite and the other, well, wasn't.

One of the twins is extremely emotional and whines / cries often. This is the child who, while in orphanage care, was picked up immediately any time they cried, and fawned over regularly. I think it may have been a case of "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". Several of the nannies, nurses and other staff cried when it was time to say goodbye to this child. The other child was adequately cared for, but certainly didn't seem to receive any special attention.

I really didn't think a whole lot of it until recently, but as I'm watching the kids grow and develop and assert their 2 year old independence, I've begun wondering whether the favouritism shown to one child when that child was very young has had an effect on that child's ability to self-soothe. Conversely, I wonder whether my other child's experience of not being a favourite has led that child to be more independent and less emotional.

I'm curious to hear what kinds of experiences other parents have had. Was your child a favourite? Or not? Have you noticed any lasting effects from that (either positive or negative?)

open mic

2008-06-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm curious to hear your opinions on adoption agencies who go beyond caring for and placing children. Specifically, what are your thoughts on:

1. birth mother centers (i.e. "safe" places where women can obtain prenatal care and give birth to their children)

2. anti-poverty programs

3. schools (unrelated to adoption)

4. family sponsorship programs

I'm wondering if others think that adoption agencies have legitimate reasons for reaching out to families beyond taking in children to be placed for adoption. Do these additional programs cross ethical lines?

If they do not, then how can we ensure that women are not being "pressured" into relinquishment in order to obtain some of these services? (For example: the birth mother centers that I know of are free to women who relinquish their babies, but charge fees to women who choose to parent.)

Thoughts?

Blog Hiatus

2008-04-05T17:50:00.001-07:00

I'm not abandoning this blog. But I am moving (physically, not in the blogosphere), and I do not expect to have internet access for at least 6 weeks. Once we've settled into our new place, I've got lots more thoughts to share and questions to ask. Thanks for hanging in there!

Transparency in International Adoption Practices

2008-04-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

I've been receiving some fantastic e-mails recently from thoughtful, concerned individuals who have brought up some excellent points (Thank you!). One of the issues that was raised involved transparency in international adoption practices.

Sometimes it seems (at least it did to me while we were in the adoption process) that we do all this work meeting with social workers, gathering paperwork, engaging in self-reflective exercises, going to classes to prepare for becoming adoptive parents, etc... and then, once we've compiled our dossier documents and sent them off to our placement agencies, there's nothing to do but wait.

Certainly a lot is going on behind the scenes while we are waiting, but in my experience, the adoption agencies aren't always forthcoming with information about exactly how the process works. Sure, most agencies will answer the questions if you ask them, but you have to do a little (or sometimes a lot) of digging to get to the real answers.

Most of us live in a society where a lot of the "dirty work" is done behind closed doors, and sadly, that seems true of the adoption field as well. I think when it comes to something as personal and emotional as adoption, so many people have to focus on the positive side because they've already faced a lot of negative experiences to get where they are.

I think that a lot of adoptive families choose selective awareness because they so badly want to open their homes and hearts to a child. Focusing on the more negative or heartbreaking aspects of adoption can be overwhelming, and I think focusing solely on these things would be enough to turn any person with an ounce of compassion off of adopting at all.

However, adoption (like most things in life) is a multidimensional and multifaceted experience, and there is a whole lot of good that can come of it. I just think it's best for everyone involved to enter into the adoption process fully informed (or at least as fully informed as possible).

When we began the adoption process, we heard so much about the sheer number of orphans in Ethiopia. Then, as we did more research, we learned that the definition of "Orphan" is much broader than I had initially believed. No one offered us this information -- we had to seek it out on our own.

Now, as more and more concerns are being raised about the process of relinquishment, I've found myself doing more digging into how relinquishments occur in the first place. The best I can understand is that it varies by agency as well as the country that the children will be placed into.

Many people (including the Ethiopian government) have raised concerns about relinquishments by two parent families. Personally, I think that the focus should be on ensuring that all families who approach an adoption agency with the intent to relinquish their child(ren) have been counseled on their options. If a family truly does want to raise their children, but some external force (i.e. poverty, etc.) is making that too difficult, then I think families should be able to pursue other sources of support. I'm not sure that any alternative supports currently exist in Ethiopia, and I'm unsure about who's job it should be to establish and run support services, but I digress.

In the end, as long as a family is providing *informed* consent to relinquish their child for adoption, then I honestly don't think it should matter if that child comes from a single parent or two parent family. If we were talking about American families, then it would be a non-issue. Why should we hold families from other countries to different (and far more stringent) standards?

Unfortunately with immigration laws, it's unlikely that those policies will change anytime soon. I just truly think that people are misguided in trying to look out for everyone's best interests. It's terrible that bureaucratic systems and blanket laws tend to make things even worse for the most vulnerable people in these situations: the children.

Because of the current laws, parents may be more likely to abandon their children since relinquishment is becoming more difficult. From my perspective, that's a lose-lose-lose situation for everyone involved -- birth families who have no idea what happened to their child, adoptive families who have no information on their child's medical, social, or family history, and children who will undoubtedly have questions but will have a difficult time finding answers. Alternately, they may choose to lie about their family circumstances so that the agencies accept their child(ren) into care -- also not a desirable outcome.

In the end, I want everyone on all sides of the equation to enter into adoption armed with as much information as possible. The more certain we can be that everyone has made the adoption plan for any child of their own volition, the more confident we can be in the legitimacy of the adoption process.

Child Trafficking vs. International Adoption

2008-03-26T07:34:00.001-07:00

Last night I was involved in a conversation that left me (as usual) with more questions than answers. Although I remain critical of unethical adoption practices in Ethiopia and around the world, I'm still trying to figure out what the best solution is.

It's a given that demand drives supply, and unfortunately this is the case in the adoption world as well. So is the solution to decrease the demand for children? I'm not sure that would solve any problems, and may leave those children already in care to age out of the system without ever having found a family. Certainly that is not in anyone's best interests: the children who have not been able to experience the love and nurturing of a family, the overburdened orphanage system, the government who must try to keep track of these children.

I've heard and read horror stories about the so called "street children" of Addis. No human being deserves to be treated that way. Ever. Under any circumstances. And I fear that terrible fates may await the abandoned and relinquished children of Ethiopia if the international adoption programs were to shut down.

If we take an honest look at international adoption programs around the world, it's challenging to find any program that's not embroiled in some sort of controversy. My biggest fear about what could happen in Ethiopia is what is happening in Cambodia. The children in Ethiopia are already at high levels of vulnerability for becoming victims of child trafficking, and sadly, according to several articles, this is already happening.

Human Trafficking and Modern Day Slavery
As Long as it Remains Profitable, Child Trafficking Will Continue
Ethiopian Children Easy Prey for Child Traffickers

And although I believe adoption is an infinitely better outcome for these children, I still feel that some practices that certain agencies allegedly are using to "recruit" children border on child trafficking. This is precisely why it is critically important to do all that we can to ensure that relinquishments happen ethically with all parties providing free, informed consent.

I also feel that this is a compelling argument for fostering contact between birth and adoptive families. Otherwise birth families will never know what became of their children.

Once again, I'm not sure that there are any definitive answers or solutions to these grandiose problems. I think we need more oversight and education on all sides. And I'm feeling like the more I learn about the intricacies and interwoven complexities of international adoption, the less I know...

What if?

2008-03-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

Throughout the past several months, people have come forward to share their adoption experiences and stories with me. Some of the things that I've been told were things I had suspected. Others have shaken me to the core. Although I have no way of knowing definitively whether any of these things are absolutely true, I do believe that they come from reputable sources. Therefore, I am providing this information to you so that you can use your best judgment and make your own informed choices. How would you feel if any or all of these things were true?

One additional disclaimer: In no way am I trying to say that these things happen with every agency or every adoption. I am only relaying the fact that these situations have been the experience of some families. As I've said before, I am not anti-adoption, but I do believe very strongly that all adoptions must remain highly ethical.

1. At least some Ethiopian families are not giving informed consent to allow their children to be adopted. They are being asked (and sometimes forced) to sign papers that they are unable to read (either because they are in a different language, or because the parents cannot read at all), and being told that their children have received scholarships to schools in Addis or abroad, but will return to their family some day.

2. First families who relinquish their children but then change their minds are often unable to locate their children again. Some agencies have developed drop off centers in remote regions of Ethiopia. Publicly, these agencies claim that there is great need in these areas (which may be absolutely true), and some agency directors have personal ties to certain regions. However, the hidden benefit to setting up these remote drop-off centers is that it would be nearly impossible for families to come looking for their children if they were to change their minds. In the rare instances that parents are able to locate their child's orphanage, they are often turned away and told that they cannot afford to keep their children.

3. The way that the system is set up in Ethiopia provides incentives for two parent families who cannot or do not want to raise their children to abandon their children, or lie about their family circumstances. This results in inaccurate or incomplete information in the child's adoption record, which will make future searches more difficult for these children.

4. Though we often hear wonderful things about the quality of care Ethiopian children receive in the orphanages, the care varies wildly, and abuse, including the beating of children with objects, is not unheard of.

5. The average salary for the nannies is less than $100 us per month. These women often cannot afford to live in Addis (where most of the orphanages are located) and must travel by bus up to 2 hours one way to get to work. The "tip jars" that some agencies have established are *not* distributed among the workers as the adoptive families are told, but go completely to the agency director.

whose best interests?

2008-01-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

First of all, I apologize for my absence. I have been dealing with several issues that I hope to address here in the coming days. For the time being, though, an issue has arisen that demands immediate attention:

Yesterday evening, I received an e-mail stating that, effective immediately, all contact between Ethiopian families and adoptive families will be suspended. This includes meetings with birth family while adoptive families are in country picking up their children as well as any contact between the families after the adoption has been finalized.

The e-mail goes on to say that concerns have been expressed by the U.S. Embassy in Addis Ababa citing a 1989 amendment to the Immigration and Nationality Act "regarding orphan status, irrevocable relinquishment, and termination of family rights." To their credit, the agency did acknowledge that this new policy is "in contrast with what it generally accepted standards of adoption law and practice in the U.S.", and that they will be working toward a resolution of this situation.

I'm still struggling to digest this information, and I'm finding it extremely difficult not to jump to conclusions given other information that has been told to me in confidence. First of all, I'm not really certain why the U.S. Embassy should have any jurisdiction over ongoing contact with birth families, especially once the adoption has been completed and finalized. Secondly, I want to know who exactly this new policy is supposed to benefit.

While I *might* be able to understand concerns over families meeting prior to finalization, I don't understand how establishing contact afterwards can possibly pose problems (especially if the giving of gifts and money are closely monitored as they have been previously). Things just aren't adding up for me (If anyone out there has a better understanding, please share...).

As far as I am aware, only one placement agency has chosen to cut all contact between families of origin and adoptive families, though it's certainly possible that others will follow suit.

Bodies of research have extolled the practice of open adoption whenever possible because it limits a child's sense of loss and allows them to maintain an important connection to their biological roots. When the agency whom we've entrusted to advocate for the best interests of our children instead chooses to act as an additional barrier between my children and their Ethiopian family, I feel betrayed, heartbroken, and extremely angry.

I am left wondering who a policy like this could possibly benefit. Certainly not my children who have already had to lose everything they knew in order to become a part of my family. Certainly not my husband and I, who chose to adopt from Ethiopia, in large part because of the potential for an open adoption. Certainly not my children's Ethiopian family, who may not even be informed of this new policy, and will likely be left wondering why they never hear from us.

I feel as though in taking this action, the agency is only serving to protect their own interests and ensure that Ethiopian adoptions continue as usual without addressing some of the deeper criticisms and ethical concerns expressed by a growing number of families. It feels to me as though they've chosen to take the "divide and conquer" approach because if Ethiopian and adoptive families start talking and realize that the stories they've been told don't match, then the agencies will find themselves in serious trouble.

If "orphan status, irrevocable relinquishment, and termination of family rights" are truly the issues that the Embassy, and in turn, the Agency, are concerned about, then shouldn't they be focusing on making sure that relinquishments are ethical in the first place???

I continue to believe that the agencies' primary focus should be on ensuring that relinquishments are ethical and that families truly understand what they're agreeing to before parental rights can be terminated. Separating the families on either side of the adoption process only takes the focus off the true issues.

I will be working on a letter to my placement agency seeking clarification on the reasoning behind this new policy.

***Update***

I was recently informed that a large fleet of land cruisers carrying numerous adoption and Ethiopian Government officials was dispatched to the offices of a major adoption agency with the purpose of carefully combing through all information pertaining to the relinquishment of children for adoption. Curiouser and curiouser...

what do we "owe" the countries of our childrens' birth?

2007-12-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

We're getting ready to go out of town for the holidays, and I won't have internet access while I'm away, so unfortunately there won't be any blog updates for the next couple of weeks. However, I wanted to leave you all with a question that's been on my mind a lot recently:

What (if anything) do we "owe" the families and countries of our children's birth?

I realize that this is an extremely personal question, and answers will vary depending on a myriad of variables, but I'm interested to hear where people stand on this issue. More concretely, what have people been doing to "give back"?

Is just adopting our children and raising them to be proud of their heritage enough?
Can we do more?
Have you been able to maintain contact with your child(ren)'s family?
Do you provide any type of monetary support to them?
Do you feel that providing financial support to specific families crosses an ethical or personal boundary?
Are there any specific organizations whose mission you especially support?
Is humanitarian giving on the part of adoptive families relatively unique to Ethiopian adoption? I've seen others suggest that it is, but I don't have enough experience with the adoption programs in other countries to know whether there's any truth to that idea.

A few of the organizations that I'm especially excited about include:

The Children of Ethiopia Educational Fund
for $200 per year, sponsors can provide a young girl with the opportunity to attend school.
The Gemini Trust (for some reason their website seems to be down. The link goes to a website describing the work that they do)
Provides support and advocacy for the poor and seeks to cultivate positive images of youth through creative arts and investment in education.
Ethiopia Reads
Operates several libraries throughout Ethiopia so that Ethiopian children will have greater access to books. Also works to write and illustrate traditional Ethiopian stories for worldwide publication that will expose others to the richness and diversity of Ethiopian culture.

I had several other organizations linked, but lost them when my computer crashed, so I'm looking for any and all suggestions. I'm especially interested in learning of micro-loan organizations.

I hope that all of you have a lovely holiday season, and I look forward to many more interesting discussions in the new year!

Facts and Fears

2007-12-18T06:17:00.000-08:00

Whenever discussions turn to controversial issues, people begin to demand facts to back up whatever claims are made. While I absolutely respect this, I have trouble defining the standard by which a piece of information given to me can be rendered "fact".

Most of the things I "know" are people's intimate experiences with the adoption system. I don't have hard numbers (and being a qualitative researcher by nature, I value those personal experiences as expressions of each individual's truth. My background in sociological research has helped me to realize that statistics can be skewed with relative ease, so I personally don't put as much stock into numbers anyway).

My belief is that there is no *absolute* truth when it comes to adoption ethics (or much else for that matter). It's not a black and white issue, and that's precisely what makes it so controversial. All we have to rely on are the stories that people are willing to share with us. And if there were only one or two odd stories that made me suspect that the ethics of adoption practices were not completely above board, then perhaps I could understand why some people feel the need to question their validity. However, I've found that these stories are quite common and relatively consistent. Therefore, I tend to believe that they did actually happen. Whether or not you choose to follow that same line of reasoning is a personal choice.

One particularly troubling obstacle in all of this is the fear that many people have about speaking out about injustices or unethical practices they've witnessed or experienced. The reasons behind these fears are varied: some adoptive parents may hope to adopt again and feel that being vocally critical of adoption practices will cause agencies to "blacklist them". Some people may hope to return to their child's country of origin, and fear that their visa may be denied because some agencies are such close bedmates with the governments. Some families may fear retaliation or sanction against themselves or even their children's first family. Unfortunately, many of the people who have the most to say tend also to have the most to lose by saying it. The blog entries that I link to are from people who are speaking out, regardless of the cost. For that, I give them my utmost respect.

The "buzz" has to begin somewhere, and I think it will continue to grow until it reaches a critical mass. Schopenhauer once said that "All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as being self-evident.". I think right now we're somewhere between one and two, but I'm certain that we will continue to gain awareness as more people share their experiences.

This is why I've set up an e-mail account for people who don't feel comfortable putting things out there on a public forum to share their experiences. If you have a story to share, I encourage you to contact me. All correspondence will remain confidential unless you tell me otherwise.

My goal is not to turn people against adoption or personally sway anyone's opinions. It is simply to let the other issues be heard and give people information that they may not have considered or had access to before. It is up to each of us to come to our own conclusions.

Once again, I strongly believe that reforming the current adoption practices and constantly working to do "better" is in the best interests of everyone involved in adoption (adoptive parents, agencies, first families, children, sending countries, receiving countries and society in general).

So here's what I would like to know: How do you define or determine what is a "fact"? What specific facts would you like to know regarding adoption practices? If these facts don't currently exist in the form that you'd prefer, how would you suggest we go about collecting data so that it appeals to a wider range of people as "fact"?

How "child requests" perpetuate the cycle

2007-12-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

Some people have disagreed with my assertion that placement agencies should no longer offer standard wait times for the referral of a typically developing, "healthy" appearing infant. They argue that each prospective adoptive family needs to assess their own lifestyle, experiences, and parenting capabilities before opening their home to a child with "special needs"(I would argue that to some extent all adopted children have "special" needs). I absolutely, unequivocally agree with this line of thinking. What I disagree with is the assumption that tends to follow this reasoning: "therefore, we need the waiting lists so that those people can become parents".

I would never expect or demand that anyone take on the task of parenting any child whose needs they don't feel they could meet. That would be a horrible situation for everyone involved, and quite clearly not in any child's best interests. However, my logical conclusion is that if there is no child in care who meets the parameters of a prospective adoptive family's child request, then there's no child. At that point (and I'm certain that this will be controversial) I think families either need to adjust their expectations of what their ideal family might be like, or exercise acceptance over the fact that life doesn't always work out as we've planned or hoped for.

This is tough because everyone wants the fairy tale. For families who have already been hit with infertility or a number of other crushing setbacks on the path to living their dream life, it's yet another slap in the face reminding them that they are not in control. But life isn't fair, and just because we want something, doesn't mean that we are automatically entitled to have it. While I believe that *ethical* adoptions can offer families who have come through infertility the ability to raise, parent, and share all of the joys and all of the pitfalls of life with children, I don't believe that adoption is a "solution" to infertility. And I certainly don't think that adoption should come at such high costs to first families and children.

When we go to the Humane Society to "adopt" a pet, we are expected to fill out an application, and possibly submit to background checks and home visits before we can be presented with the animals that are currently available. At that point, we can assess whether our family might be a good "fit" for any of the available animals. If we enter into these sort of situations with expectations of what we're going to get, we are likely to be disappointed, and we are certainly not allowed to submit a request for a certain breed and age of dog. If the Humane Society doesn't have an animal that meets our "wants", we have the choice to:

1. Adjust our expectations and accept an animal that is currently available.
2. Decide not to open our home to an animal at this time.
3. Look elsewhere.

Shouldn't we treat the adoptions of human children with at least this much diligence? When the number of rejected applications for animal adoptions surpasses the number of rejected applications for the adoption of human children, there's a huge problem.

I don't think that agencies should tell families "Sorry we don't have the perfect child for you right now, but if you just wait a few months we'll find you someone who meets your requirements". By allowing prospective adoptive parents to wait, agencies are assuming that the "system" will eventually be failing a child who meets a specific profile, thereby rendering them available for adoption. I don't think I'm the only one who sees the problems inherent in this method...

It's a conundrum because I believe that a large piece of adoption work should involve making strides to ensure that fewer children have to experience the tragedy of losing their first family. The age old dilemma within the field of social work is that if we're doing good work, our jobs will one day become obsolete. In an ideal world, the number of adoptions should be decreasing each year. Instead, in countries like Ethiopia, the numbers are increasing, and we need to examine why.

Adoption has become a business where children are the scarce resource. As adoption gains popularity, the market demands an increase in supply, and unfortunately not everyone is going to follow the highest level of standards in obtaining those "commodities". When agencies allow families to determine the value of certain types of children, they are perpetuating this vicious cycle.

So my questions are these: Should all people who want to parent a child be automatically entitled to that privilege? If so, at what cost?

Furthermore, should prospective adoptive parents be able to pick and choose the age, sex, and other attributes of a child that they are willing to parent? And of a child who fits within those parameters is not available, should parents be permitted to wait, under the assumption that such a child will become available?

Why it's important to talk about the controversies

2007-12-12T06:07:00.000-08:00

International Adoption, It's a One Way Dialogue
This is an article written by Elizabeth Larson, author of the recent Mother Jones article "Did I Steal My Daughter : The Tribulations of Global Adoption." In her latest piece, she discusses the need for adoptive parents to listen to a variety of perspectives when thinking about adoptions.

I'm not sure how to encourage people to think and talk about the more controversial sides of adoption. I've found that people want to believe that they've done something good, even if that wasn't their original intent. And in a lot of ways, I still believe that adoption (if done ethically) can be a wonderful thing. But continually singing the praises of the positives while systematically ignoring or trying to downplay the negatives gives the impression that everything's fine. And it's not.

By engaging in honest discussions, we acknowledge that reform is necessary. From there, we can take positive steps toward ensuring protections for all parties.

Maintaining Connections

2007-12-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

Here is a post on maintaining connections to our children's families of origin that I found very interesting.

This is one of my biggest questions right now, and I'm curious to hear from others who are successfully developing relationships with your children's family overseas. What has worked for you? How have you re-established connections? How do you explain who they are to your children (what words do you use?) Are their photographs displayed in your home? Have there been unforseen issues or challenges that have arisen in finding, communicating with, or developing deep and authentic relationships?

The placement agency we worked through "frowns upon" direct contact between adoptive parents and Ethiopian families. They offer an intermediary service, but will block any identifying information from either side. They claim that this is done in order to protect the privacy of all parties. I'm still working through how I feel about this.

On the one hand, I feel that the agencies have to protect themselves. Some families of origin may request money from adoptive families, which could put them into a difficult situation. Some adoptive families may feel compelled to provide financial assistance to their children's families, which, in turn, could provide more incentives for other families to relinquish their children, thus starting the cycle all over again.

But on the other hand, after the adoption is finalized, would it really be a terrible thing if an adoptive family wants to, for example, subsidize the education of their child's siblings? Or pay for the medication of a sick parent? I would argue that we all have a vested interest in ensuring that our children's family members stay alive and healthy, and I know that I would like to do whatever I could to help make sure that happens.

It's a complex and nuanced situation all around.

So, what do you think? Should families be able to contact one another directly if *both sides provide informed consent*, or do you feel that agency regulation of all contact is best? I'd especially love to hear from those who've adopted domestically to find out what sorts of policies and protections (if any) are in place to regulate contact with your children's families of origin.

More Thoughts on Coercion

2007-12-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

Here is an article written by an American mother who surrendered her child for adoption after being coerced. She does an excellent job of laying out the role that coercion played in her experience.

coercion

2007-12-06T06:48:00.001-08:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone who's shown an interest in this blog. I think the level of interest indicates that others are thinking about these issues, and I truly believe that this forum will grown into something great. I value each voice that has been raised, and hope to hear many more as this community grows!

I want to speak, for a moment, about the topic of coercion as it may sometimes apply to the relinquishment of children for adoption.

I cannot presume to understand the complex and varied reasons why a family might choose to abandon or relinquish their child for adoption. I have never felt the type of desperation that some parents must feel prior to making these life-altering decisions, and I am certainly in no place to judge another person's reasons for wanting to place their child to be raised by another family.

However, I can demand that the agency I use to facilitate my adoption subscribe to the highest level of ethics when taking in the children that they intend to place. One piece of this involves working to eliminate the ways that parents might feel "coerced" into relinquishing their children.

The ways in which children come into care are varied, as each family and child's experience will be different. Some stories share similar overarching themes. Others are completely different. I've heard some adoptive parents say that since they believe their personal experience was "above board" and morally acceptable, that they can't believe anyone else's story would not be. Just as it would be wrong to assume that all adoptees are relinquished involuntarily, it is wrong to assume that none are. The reality is that there's a spectrum of possibilities, and certain situations upon that spectrum are not okay.

In my understanding, in Ethiopia, children come into care in one of two primary ways:
1. They are relinquished, either by parent(s) or other family members
2. They are abandoned and brought to care centers by the people who find them or the police.
(if anybody knows of other possibilities, please let me know!)

I'll focus more specifically on abandonment in another post. What I'd like to address here is the idea that some (certainly not all, possibly not even a majority, but *some*) first families are coerced into relinquishing their children.

Wikipedia defines coercion as "the practice of compelling a person to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation or some other form of pressure or force. Coercion may typically involve the actual infliction of physical or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat. The threat of further harm may then lead to the cooperation or obedience of the person being coerced.

It's important to distinguish the different types of coercion that might come into play specific to adoption relinquishment situations. I'll try to do that, and then give more concrete examples of each. I also think it's helpful to note that coercion can come from a variety of sources. As always, if anyone has a different experience or view, please share it!

Coercion by Force:
This is the seedy, underhanded type of bullying that I think many people envision when talking about unethical adoption practices. Coercion by force can involve threats, verbal abuse, and even violence, abduction, fraud and other deception. It goes without saying that these things are easy to condemn. However, social stigma, governmental policies and gender inequalities can also increase the pressure on parents to relinquish their rights.

Unfortunately forceful coercion can be found all over the world, including within the United States. It happened decades ago when the parents of young women who found themselves pregnant shipped them off to maternity homes. More recently, the story of Stephanie Bennett has demanded attention, after she was pressured to relinquish her parental rights by a high school guidance counselor. I suspect cases like these are more common than we know.

Internationally, cases of forceful coercion, questionable ethics, and adoption fraud are well-documented. Adoption agencies are often assumed to be honest and trustworthy, and when they're not, families can be easily manipulated or taken advantage of (on all sides of the equation). Here is a synopsis of several frightening and sad stories from a number of different countries.

In China, the one child policy coupled with a cultural preference for male offspring has provided families with incentives to abandon their daughters.

In Ethiopia, men can make the decision to relinquish a child for adoption, and their wives may have little say in the matter, and no recourse once the papers are signed.

None of these situations are as simple as they might appear, and all of them require that changes be made at a variety of levels to ensure that things like this don't keep happening.

The likelihood of these types of intimidation is much greater in places where gender inequality is more pronounced. Ethiopia easily falls into this category. It is ranked 113 out of 128 countries in the 2007 World Economic Forum's Global Gender Gap report, and one of the 10 worst countries to be a mother by U.S. based independent humanitarian organization Save the Children. Of course, there is often a positive correlation between economic stability and treatment of the most vulnerable members of society (often women and children).

Coercion by Compelling Argument:
This involves "outreach" to adoptive parents that outlines all of the positive benefits of choosing adoption for their children. It's the argument of giving children a "better life". Though much less nefarious, this form of coercion certainly has implications of its own.

At least in Ethiopian adoption, I think coercion by compelling argument is extremely common. It's hard because there are no definite lines, and there's a whole lot of gray area. What mother wouldn't want to give her child "a better life". The problem is that there is no definitive definition of a "good life". It's easier to talk about "better" versus "worse" when the circumstances involve life and death. But if it's not so dire, and we're talking about things like an American education, or material possessions, how do we make those choices?

There will always be parents in the world that can provide more or different experiences than we can. That does not necessarily mean that we are not the best parents for our children. And just because we can provide different opportunities for the children we adopt, does not make us "better" parents than their biological parents might have been. What do we gain by trying to compare? Does it assuage guilt? I don't know how making those sorts of comparisons can be positive and productive.

At some point, I feel that we have to leave these tough decisions up to the parents. Who am I to say "you can't relinquish your child because you don't have a good enough reason." We don't question the rationale behind American families who choose to place their children for adoption, so why should we question the rationale of parents elsewhere?

**the caveat, of course, being that the parents are *not* subject to coercion by force, and all other possible options have been at least discussed.**

It's my opinion that adoption agencies who have a vested interest (in the form of economic gains) in taking in children to place for adoption should *not* be the ones providing options counseling. It's a conflict of interests. Instead, I propose that options counseling should be handled by independent, third party organizations who aim to protect all people involved.

I think the key to understanding how the various types of coercion can occur would be a study of the power dynamics at play in each distinct situation. That's a topic I plan to dive into in the near future.

So what are your thoughts on coercion? Where's the line between acceptable and unethical? What can we actively do to make changes? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Roll Call

2007-12-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

I'd love to know who's here, what issues you'd like to talk about, and what your experience with adoption has been (i.e. are you a prospective adoptive parent, someone who's actively in process, an adoptive parent, an adult adoptee, a first parent, an interested observer, etc.)

Housekeeping

2007-12-05T03:24:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be a lot more about me than I think will be necessary in the future. It is my hope that sharing some of my personal experiences and struggles will provide a context for how and why I'm approaching these issues.

In the world of haves versus have nots, I am definitely one of the haves. And yet, inside of me is this insatiable desire for more. It is something I work on every day, as I am caught between two worlds of stark contrast: one of gross excess, and the other of bare necessities (and often not even that).

One of my biggest internal struggles is how to possibly justify wanting more than I already have when my childrens' family is living without power or running water in a Tukul in rural Ethiopia, working 12-15 hours each day just to farm enough enset to yield 2 meals for each family member per day. I should be giving more. I should be doing more. That's not to say that I'm doing nothing -- I am, but I don't think it's enough (I don't know that there is such a thing as "enough") That's a huge part of why I'm here.

I have a roof over my head, fresh food to eat, clothes to protect me from the elements, healthcare when I want it, a vehicle for transportation (not to mention access to an entire public transportation system), mindless entertainment in the form of television, stores that I can go to freely and have my choice of non-necessary items to buy, libraries full of books, access to a million different educational opportunities, and much, much more. And that's not to mention the fact that I can step outside of my house with reasonable certainty that I won't be killed by bombs or snipers or terrorists or other random violence. On top of all of that, I live in a society that systematically affords me additional privileges simply based on my skin tone. I have a lot.

Some of these privileges I've worked very hard to attain. Others have been granted to me based on where I was born and what I look like. Context is also important. I live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. And my children come from one of the poorest.

**Some people have commented that the white on black colour scheme of this blog makes it difficult to read, and have asked that I consider changing it. I am thinking about it, but I actually really like the way it illustrates the contrasts and the difficulties of working through them. **

Most people in the world don't live like we do in America. I know full well how privileged I am. and yet I still compare myself to those who live in million dollar houses and wish that I had more. I recognize that it's a fault of mine. It's part of what makes me human. Truly, deep down, I just want to lead a balanced life, and make each decision with intention. I want to give more and take less, and most of all, I want to learn how to appreciate things without having to possess them.

I'm far from flawless. I would venture to guess that none of us are perfect people. That we all harbour conflicting emotions at times. And really, the dichotomy of wealth versus poverty is what's at the crux of international adoption.

This blog isn't just about me, though I presume it will be a vehicle through which I'll do some serious self-reflection. But I think the deeply personal posts are best left to my other blog. There is a reason that I separated the two: I wanted a space to grapple with the more complex issues that wouldn't encroach upon my ability to celebrate and enjoy my children

**a note about language** when I wrote in another entry about the use of ownership words with regard to children, I did not mean that in the way that most people seem to have taken it. There is an important distinction between using the words "my" and "own" as descriptors indicating relation (i.e. the kids in the green and red shirts are mine) versus using those same words as qualifiers (i.e. calling them "my kids" to assert the idea that they are nobody elses.) It's "they belong with me" versus "they belong to me".**

Last night I went back and re-read all of my old blog entries to try and give myself some perspective. I wanted to get back into the mindset of a pre-adoptive parent, brimming with hope and possibility, excited at the ways my life was going to change. Every parent should be allowed to feel that. Every parent should be able to enjoy the fun things like decorating a nursery, buying clothes and toys, and celebrating the day their lives were changed by receiving the news of their children. I absolutely don't fault people for that. But I also think there's more to consider, and I want to encourage others to do that.

Looking back, I bristle at some of my naivety and terminology. Going through the process of adoption has forced some personal evolution, and it's a path I continue to walk. I think the fact that this process has changed me is a powerful and positive thing, because now I'm trying to look at things outside of myself to find ways that my own personal agency can advocate for change so that in the future families who adopt are more informed.

I also noticed that I didn't blog very often about the harder stuff, though I know that I was thinking about those things constantly. I imagine that many other adoptive families are also thinking about these things, even if they aren't talking about them. That's another reason that I wanted to start this blog. I would like it to become a space where people can work through those thoughts, consider new perspectives and reach their own conclusions.

For me, there were several reasons for the silence:

1. A few people within our "inner circle" were vocally opposed to our adoption. I felt like speaking about any of the negatives would simply give them fuel for their already misinformed views, and I wanted an opportunity to change those views first.
2. My mother was dying. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life, and I needed something positive to help me through that time. I fully realize how selfish that is, but it's honestly where I was at the time.
3. This is the big one: I was "in it". Hindsight is always 20/20 (well, it's still pretty blurry in my case, but it's certainly clearer than it was...)

If you read what I've said in previous posts, you'll notice that I don't lump *all* adoptive parents into a single group. Doing that would be incredibly short-sighted and unfair to the many, many adoptive families who truly do "get it". But by the same token, Ethiopian adoptions have become incredibly popular, and I just don't think we're doing enough to educate families about the unique circumstances in this particular country.

Each international adoption program is different, and each family who chooses international adoption will have different reasons for doing so. One of the reasons that I've heard for why people choose international adoption is because they can be relatively assured of a "closed adoption". In Ethiopia, with some cases this may be true, but I also feel that the idea of open international adoption needs to be presented as a realistic and maybe even preferred possibility. As Ethiopian adoptions draw interest from people who may otherwise have gone to China, Russia, Guatemala, etc., I think it is critical to discuss the differences of each program because I feel that those differences will be relevant to how we raise our children. It's important for families to understand what they're getting into *before* they commit to the process.

As with anything, there are certain families and individuals who do have an "all about me" attitude of entitlement about adoption. They think that simply because they have the money to fund an adoption and the desire for a child, that they should just be able to go out and get one. I disagree. I once read a comment written by a woman who was in the process of adopting from Guatemala who called Guatemalan mothers "breeders" and she was going to get "her baby" no matter what. That if Guatemalan adoptions closed due to ethical concerns, that she'd "go black market". I wish I still had the link to that post because there's no way I can possibly re-create her sentiments. Needless to say, I don't think people who harbour such dangerous and negative ideas deserve to parent adopted children. It is a privilege, not a right.

When I rant about adoptive parents, please understand that it is a very select group of people that I'm talking about. I know it's difficult not to personalize these things, but it's really not about that. If something I say particularly resonates as personal for you, then I urge you to explore why. If you think I'm wrong, call me out! I certainly shouldn't be eager to "dish it out" if I'm not prepared to take it as well. I also realize that a lot of these issues are going to be polarizing. I don't expect us all to agree, but I do hope we'll all stick with the conversation.

Some people have questioned my credibility, which is completely fair. Let me be the first to say that I'm not coming at this as a professional or someone here to impart some absolute knowledge. There's a lot of gray area here, and I'm just hoping that we can all muddle through it together and come to our own conclusions. We are all at different points on our journey to understand the implications of adoption, and we all see things through the lens of our unique life experiences. That said, here are some of the things I bring to the table:

-I am the white adoptive parent to 19 month old Ethiopian twins. They are my only children.
-Adoption was our "first choice" as a way to build our family.
-Our "child request" was for a young sibling group, and we were shocked by the referral of infant twins. I am still working to readjust my expectations of what life with kids will be like.
-We added new names with personal significance to our children's Ethiopian names, retained their given names as their middle names, and their parents names as their second middle names. Though on my blog I refer to the twins by their legal first names, at home we call them by their Ethiopian names at least as often if not moreso.
-We are working to build a relationship with members of their family in Ethiopia.
-I plan to return to Ethiopia often, and am considering some service projects that would require longer term living / working arrangements so that the twins can develop a sense of comfort within their birth culture.
-I have close friends who are Ethiopian that have been willing to share their thoughts on their country's strengths and weaknesses.
-My educational background is in sociology, race and culture, education, and social work.
-I am a licensed social worker.
-My uncle was adopted decades ago through a closed domestic adoption.
-My sister was adopted through DCFS.
-I have cousins adopted internationally from Bulgaria.
-I spent some time in the foster care system myself.
-I have worked with teenagers who were wards of the state.
-I don't think we can pay enough attention to the insights, experiences and voices of adult adoptees, first parents, and the Ethiopian community.

What can you offer?

where i stand...

2007-12-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

I don't profess to have the answers. I'm just one person who got involved in something that turned out to be much more complicated than I had first imagined. And now I'm trying to make sense of it all in the context of what is. I would like this to be an ongoing discussion from which all participants can benefit. And I'm saying what I'm saying because I wish that someone had told me these things back when I was "in it". Not that I would have been ready or willing to hear those things then...

Would knowing what I know now back then have changed the fact that I chose to adopt? It's impossible to say for sure, but I don't think it would have. However, I definitely would have done certain things differently (interviewed agencies more carefully, asked more tough questions, talked to more people, and listened a lot more carefully).

I feel the need to clarify that questioning the ethics of international adoption programs, agencies, and even adoptive parents doesn't mean that I am anti-adoption. But I do feel very passionately that unless we are constantly holding everyone to the highest ethics, we run the risk of having the entire process shut down. It happened in Cambodia, It's on the brink of happening in Guatemala. Somebody needs to keep people accountable so that corruption can be eliminated.

The issues / topics that I'd like to tackle here (in no particular order) include the following:

The role of power in the adoption process
The definition of "orphan"
The process of relinquishment
Laws, policies and social stigmas that provide incentives for abandonment over relinquishment
Informed consent
Options counseling
Giving back
Developing lasting relationships with families of origin
Adoptive parent training
Obligations (both those that are enforced externally and those we internally feel compelled to meet)
Transracial / transcultural parenting
The role of homestudy and placement agencies in assessing applicant families readiness to parent specific children

What other topics would you like to see addressed?

While I'm certain that this particular blog will have an Ethiopian Adoption bent (simply because that's been my own experience), I would also welcome the insights of anyone else whose life has been impacted by adoption. I want to hear it all. The good, the bad, the celebrations, the heartbreaks, the things that give you pause, the things that make you rage, the progress that's been made.

I'm hoping that there will be enough people out there willing to share their thoughts that I can hold "open mic's" and pose questions to see how others have handled things. I think this could be a nexus for positive change. I don't want to be constantly bogged down by the negative. Perhaps I'm speaking from a place of naivety, but I'd love for this blog to become a conversation about realistic workable solutions at every level from ourselves and our families all the way up to the agencies and the government. I hope this discussion will empower everyone to take some sort of action.

As Margaret Mead said "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

2007-11-29T09:31:00.000-08:00

The ethics surrounding international adoption have been on my mind a lot recently. It's a complicated issue, and the details and dilemmas vary from country to country, so I'm certainly not qualified to issue blanket statements. However, given my personal experiences, I believe I can speak to the ethical considerations specific to Ethiopian adoptions.

I'm finding myself more and more alienated by the attitudes and behaviours of certain adoptive families. I cannot stand the sense of entitlement that some of these people bring to the table, and I abhor the idea that they "need" to assert "ownership" of "their" children by totally changing their given names and cutting all but the most superficial ties to their families and countries of origin.

I have never considered children to be objects, accessories, or anything else capable of being "owned". It baffles me when people make statements like "children of our own", or "I'm waiting for *my* baby". We don't own our kids. It is our privilege to be a part of their lives. Even when the adoptions are finalized and the kids are "ours" they still retain pieces of the families that they came from, and denying that fact benefits no one.

Ethiopian adoptions are gaining in popularity, but I feel that most families enter into these adoptions ill-prepared to confront the difficult issues that will inevitably arise when trying to parent cross-culturally. The majority (though certainly not all) of these adoptive parents are white and are not required to have any background in understanding the institutional structure of racism in America (though many of us do). I believe that this should be a mandatory requirement for any Americans even considering trans-cultural adoption. How are we to properly prepare our children to combat racism if we don't understand it ourselves???

Any time there is an increase in popularity within any adoption program, there is also an increase in the potential for corruption. When adoption is seen as a business, the adoptive parents (i.e. people with money and power) become the clients, and begin to dictate what "products (i.e. children) are desirable (typically infant girls). Children who don't fit these categories are overlooked, sometimes left on the streets simply because they are "more difficult to place". Meanwhile, Adoptive parents are content to spend months, and sometimes years, waiting in line for the next child who fits their ideals. In order to meet the "needs" of adoptive parents, some agencies resort to "outreach" which can mean any number of a variety of smarmy things just to entice parents to relinquish their children. Something is drastically wrong with all of this!

Children are not pizzas. We should not be able to "order" the gender, age, or abilities we would accept. Instead, we should be presented with the profiles of available children, and should then work to determine whether we could provide a good home for any of them. The focus needs to be on the children, not the adoptive parents.

I am sick of hearing adoptive parents say "we'll do whatever is best for our family" to justify doing something that's clearly not good for adopted children. They apply this statement to everything from choosing their adopted child's sex to choosing to escort their children to America because they "just don't think they could handle seeing the poverty in Ethiopia". Are you kidding me? Just because we have the privilege to choose what realities we want to see, doesn't negate the existence of other realities.

First of all, if you can't "handle" a short trip to the country of your child's birth, how will you ever be able to handle telling that child the story of how they came into care? How will you provide any true cultural connection for that child? Why are you even interested in adopting from a country that you obviously have such negative images of?

Secondly, and more importantly, how can you say that you are choosing "what's best for your family" when that comes into direct opposition with what's in the best interests for the child you plan to bring into your family? In my mind, that kind of thinking just underscores the fact that this child will be an outsider in that particular family.

Adoption from Ethiopia is a completely different situation than adoption from most other countries. Though some social stigma exists, in many cases extended family is willing to offer assistance to single parents. Ethiopian families genuinely adore their children and do everything that they can to raise their children within their families, or communities before turning to international adoption. In fact, the idea of westernized adoptions in which children are taken from biological families and never seen again is a completely foreign concept in most parts of the world. In Ethiopia especially, parents typically expect that they will see their children again.

I believe that agencies need to educate both families of origin and adoptive families about what adoption from Ethiopia really means. There should be true, unbiased third party options counseling offered to parents who are considering relinquishment. Incentives for parents to abandon their children should be removed. And adoptive parents should be informed when biological parents want to maintain a relationship with their children. If an adoptive family is not willing to maintain those ties, they should not receive that specific referral.

This is an interesting time because the potential exists for true open international adoptions, and I feel that agencies should be doing whatever they can to ensure that connections can remain between adoptive and biological families. Again, this is all in the best interests of the children.

It's a novel concept, and will certainly be fraught with challenges unique to these situations. For example, how exactly do we go about building a relationship with someone half a world away, across socio-economic, cultural, religious, and linguistic lines? It's distinctly different from open domestic adoption because it's not like we can just call our children's families and say "let's meet on Saturday at the pumpkin patch". Those relationships can focus solely on the children, whereas these will be dependent on the adults involved. It certainly won't be easy, but I do think it's necessary.

I don't understand why so many adoptive parents feel so threatened by the mere existence of their children's Ethiopian family. For me, they are now an extension of our family. They've given us the most remarkable gift I can imagine. It's only fair that we give them something in return.

Introduction

2007-11-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

Since becoming an adoptive parent, I have grappled with a myriad of difficult questions and ethical concerns. I was able to foresee many of these issues, but others have caught me off guard. As I have learned more about the ways that the adoption process impacts those involved in the process, I am finding myself with more questions than answers. This blog will be a place for me to process my thoughts, ask the questions that lay on my conscience, and just vent when certain things are beyond my realm of understanding. I'm sure that there will be people who will vehemently disagree with some of the things I will say, and I encourage those people to let down their defenses momentarily and join the dialogue.

I am finding that I feel more and more disillusioned by the adoptive parenting "community". Especially when it seems that only people who hold certain "roses and sunshine" views about adoption are "allowed" to participate in the discussion. I don't work that way, and, as always, I invite any and all commentary because I believe that we all view the world through the lenses of our own experiences. I have a lot to learn from each of you, even if we don't always agree. I don't believe in censorship, so please speak freely.

When we received our own referral, I was unable to feel the pure, unbridled happiness that so many new adoptive parents seem to express upon seeing photos of "their" children for the first time. Of course I was excited to see who these children were, but at the same time, my joy was tempered with the sadness of knowing that true tragedy -- not just the abstract ideas of poverty or illness, but real, concrete, heartbreaking events-- had brought our family together. Nowadays I'm finding it nearly impossible to give the socially acceptable "I'm so excited for you" line to families who receive referrals. While on one hand I am glad that families are being formed, on the other hand I am far more focused on how we can ensure that adoption is an option in only the most extreme and informed circumstances.

I've been struggling with how to best begin these difficult conversations. There are so many things that need to be said, but what's the point in saying anything at all if it isn't going to be heard. There's such a delicate balance between speaking heard to hear truths and not alienating the people who most need to hear them. I'm not sure I have the right gifts to tackle these issues diplomatically, but I'll do my very best.

I've already begun writing several entries, but each time I sit down to write, I lose all ability to find the right words. I read the articulate words of adult adoptees and parents who have lost their children to the adoption machine, and I have such a hard time managing my anger at the injustice of it all. I want to turn that anger into something positive. In some ways, this blog will be an attempt to do just that.