Moon Moods

Thanks, Dad

2008-06-15T09:40:00.002-03:00

1. For me being your favourite when we were young! But How could you resist?

2. For taking me with you in your yellow GMC to every tractor dealer, potato broker and garage in Kings County before I entered school. And then telling me to sit in the truck for hours while you gossiped with all the men inside. Of course I didn't for long.

3. For teasing me about my red hair and just about everything else about me since I could walk.

4. For laughing but trying not to when I acted foolish as a child and dressed up in funny clothes and danced around the living room just to make you laugh.

5. For working really hard.

6. For showing me that when there is a problem with your car, you fix it, not ignore it. Sometimes I pay attention.

7. For batting countless endless balls out to me to catch, even when you were sick I never get tired of that. I don't think you did either.

8. For batting them so hard trying to make me miss them but me trying harder to catch them, each of us laughing when the other failed.

9. For coming to my games and good naturedly arguing with the other drunk dad there who's daughter was the best player on the team. (I only found this out years later from that teammate, he never said)

10. For teaching me that you don't brag about your talents as they will surely be taken away if you do.

11. For teaching me that life is not a free ride and you have to pay your own way.

12. For singing on my first loan then telling me, "Okay, you have credit now. The rest is up to." This was a very good lesson.

13. For doing the best he could living a tortured life (don't we all know what that is about). I know you drank because you didn't know how else to deal with life. I know.

14. For reaching out in your own way but never saying you care. I know you care you just can't say you do.

15. For coming to dinner today at my house. I know you will tell me that I need to whipper snip my lawn, my outbuilding has a skant to it and I better get my new window trims painted soon or the moisture will rot them. But I know that's just what you do and that's okay.

16. Thanks Dad.

Bipolar Advantage?

2008-06-04T22:56:00.001-03:00

I wonder if this guy would realize better success if all the people in his masthead weren't dead?

I stopped reading after that, not much of a testimonial, me thinks. Bipolar, famous, but dead. Or Bipolar, apathetic and alive...

hmmm, I don't care enough to decide.

Needing to Write

2008-06-04T21:59:00.003-03:00

Well I have always said that I only write when things aren't great, and well, things are pretty good, but I still need to get crap out of my head.

I'm fat. I fucking hate being fat. I hate fat people. I am a fat person. Actually, to other people, I am not fat, I am well within the acceptable BMI guideliness. But no matter how you lick it, paste it click, I'm fucking fat in my world.

I am fat for a number of reasons. I drink too much. The Archer and I, when we are together, imbibe a good deal. When we are not, I don't drink at all or maybe some binge drinking with my girlfriends once a month. Alcohol is the very worst thing for making one fat.

I am less active. I used to go the gym every single day and walk 4-5 km a day. Now I am down to the gym 4 times a week and a run 3 times a week. Not enough.

On the topic of running. It makes me hungry. I have a fierce appetite. In fact, as I type this, I am scarfing down a huge bag of Old Dutch Sour Cream & Onion Ripple chips. They are the best, so creamy. Oh and a diet coke, of course.

I need a crisis. When I am happy or bored, I eat. When I am stressed out I severely obsess about my eating and exercise program. I need stress or a crisis. Or both, in that order.

2008-06-04T21:49:00.002-03:00

When I saw the fire trucks parked outside my house with the road closed, I got very excited. Then disappointed creeped into my veins as I realized it was the apartment across the street.

There is something seriously wrong with a person who wishes her house would burn down.

"You Don't Fight Fair"

2008-05-04T09:15:00.002-03:00

That's right. Because I told you that before. Now everytime we have a "discussion" you can come back to that because I have already admitted it. Therefore you are now justified in feeling how you are feeling and I am not because I am a self admitted dirty fighter.

Something this journey has taught me is to always try to see a situation from the other's perspective. You may not buy it or feel they are justified, but I have always been able to have some type of understanding of how and why they may feel that way, however faulty it may be.

It has been my experience that this a difficult exercise for him. Not just with me, but with his ex, his children, his co-workers. I have found that when I try to look through their position, I can better address the issue to my own satisfaction (Thank you Dale Carnegie). Once it is pointed out to my lovely Archer, he always considers what I say. Love and respect and mutual understanding is so crucial to the future of a long loving relationship!

So we did have a spat and basically it was about me feeling hurt about something he said and instead of reacting immediately and directly to it in a healthy manner I do what most women do well: I stewed and bubbled and sulked and boiled about it. I wrapped it around me like a warm loving blanket until everything he did in the next few hours grated on me and annoyed me and merited a snarky, sarcastic remark, regardless of the subject. I was quite nasty, I admit (no where near to what I once did or am capable of). So then he got upset and hurt by something I said. What he did was become silent and then retreated to his own abode.

Phone calls ensued, discussions, explanations, enlightenment. But what it came down to was me trying to explain to him that his position of hurt because of something I said was no more justified than my position of hurt because of something he said. It is all in the approach or the reaction. We figured it out and resolved the issue, but I'm not sure he understood where I was coming from on this statement. Basically what I was trying to say was that we are each entitled to feel a reaction to a comment/statement regardless of the intention of the statement until we know otherwise. No person is more justified than the other.

I muddled the explanation up but I'll figure it out and say more clearly.

I'm Alive

2008-04-21T21:57:00.004-03:00

In fact that's just it. I'm Alive. I have a life. I'm living it. I am renovating my house, spent a week in the Dominican Republic where I ate way too much, drank way too much and had my second real fight with the Archer but all is good.

Not sure if other bipolar or similarly mentally interesting people feel this way, but for me, this blog is an online journal, a place I go to spew my guts and rant and vent in a safe environment where nobody gets hurt and I don't end up with a criminal record or out of a job. That is a good thing.

But lately I have been so busy living life, I haven't really had to time to reflect on it. Reflection is important. In fact, I don't even have time to make lists. Lists are a big part of my life. I have actually won the Archer over on the value of a list and how it is so efficient and practical to put your life in a list so much so that now he writes a list for everything. Me, well I am just flying on the seat of my pants, making it up as I go along, changing the rules as I see fit. No list, no net. Crap, I haven't even been opening my mail - I'm just guessing at my minimum payments. Imagine!

So when things are good, I have nothing to say. When things are bad I'm very maudlin. Sorry guys I am a fair weather friend. I still like to read everyone else though.

That was a Close One

2008-03-12T12:20:00.003-03:00

So, like the good little girl I am, I have been taking my Lithium as I have decided that there is far too much going on in my world right now to have to deal with a crazy wench on top of everything else. On Friday I took my last two and said, Oh, I must toddle off to the StupidStore today and get my refill. FUCK!! What the hell is that??

Refills Left: 0 (right beside the bright orange sticker: This is your last refill. Please contact your physician). I am such a dumb twat.

That's okay I tell myself I'm good for a few days. I won't start punching people in the back of the head for at least a week. Through the rigs and the reels (one of my momma's sayings) I took my first dose today. And not before time I might add. I was starting to feel the edge. I almost wanted to tell the Archer to Fuck off this morning for not particular reason, he was just being a goofball like he always is which I normally find quite endearing but it simply struck me as really fucking annoying, which to me was a huge warning sign that things were not at all well up in the bellfry.

So I told him, "I'm really cranky, but don't worry, as soon as this Lithium hits my neurons, I will have all pistons firing and it will be well once again, to which he responded: Serenity NOW!"

I love lithium.

2008-03-05T15:01:00.003-04:00

I meant to post this on my personal diary but I keep falling asleep every time I try to write in it. Is that a sign of old age that goes along with having a hard cover book smash into your nose 5 minutes after starting to read it?

So here I go for all to read about my life!

My Boy is fine - great in fact. He accepts that although he may have had no hand in a negative result that affects my life, I will likely take it out on him regardless. I am glad he knows where he stands. (behind me)

The Archer is good. Things are progressing nicely. He is beginning to make great strides at repairing a very strained relationship with one of his children. This pleases me to no end as I have seen how much he has suffered as a result of this strain.

This of course has a huge impact on our relationship. We will be spending much less time together. Much less. That is okay. I think. I need not to be selfish here for the greater good of his mental health and therefore the future success of our relationship. I can do it.

I have stopped taken my Mesasal in September due to the kidneys starting to poop out on me. I had my re-check with Dr. Shittty this week and my kidney levels are lowering towards normal. I am considering discontinuing lithium as I am now of the mind that crazy is a choice and I choose not to be. This I know today is twisted thinking but it keeps whispering in the back of my head with the rest of the voices. Tomorrow who knows what it will bring?

Happy birthday to me!

No Wonder I am Fucked up This Week

2008-02-20T09:03:00.004-04:00

Total Lunar Eclipse

I have been wafting between bursting into tears after reading Dear Abby, crying over dear sweet Freddy on Coronation Street, and thinking the Archer is cheating on me. All because of this:

I have been very blue and out of my element this week, suspicious hopeless, sad, sensitive, quiet. I think it is the moon. And the fact that I am fat.

Thank god I likely won't live to see another full one again. I don't think I nor the world could handle it.

Consider this your warning

2008-01-31T20:29:00.000-04:00

In my rage against the stupids yesterday, I neglected to mention some unfortunate incidents involving Colon. He has been simmering under the surface of late just biding his time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to blow so he can wreak as much damage as possible.

Well I thought that time had arrived last night at the gym. I was feeling rather yucky and bloated and salty after a Chinese buffet for supper last night so I off I toddle to the gym. First of all, the local university track is closed because all classes were canceled yesterday due to idiots not knowing how to navigate traffic lights without power. So I am forced to go the Posers gym whereby all the men are stuffing themselves with protein powder and steroids and all the women aren't stuffing themselves with anything at all. And then there is me: middle aged redheaded hottie with more saddlebags than a harley on an american tour in her nieces discarded tshirt and my black mexx workout pants covered in dryer lint and dog hair. Hey I'm not here to look pretty, I'm just up her working on my fitness (hehe)

So after finishing my weight circuit I decide I pre-emptive trip to the bathroom is in order. Ten minutes later, I think Colon is finished with me. I think it is safe to go for a run.

All is well. Until about 20 minutes. I'm getting that loving feeling. I squeeze my butt cheeks together (try it the next time you are running). Then I do the old standby sphincter squeeze. It's no use. I can feel it making its way towards the light. What to do. It could just be a false alarm. Goddamit it just sneaked out. hmmm. what was it? Dry run or the real goods? Hard to tell with all the sweating I'm doing. Nothing seems to be moving so I will carry on and assume a dry run. Whoowee.. thank god that fan is pushing everything away from my nose. Oop not everything. I wonder why the girl beside me moved? No worries I was not that fond of her musk perfume anyhoo. I wish I were a skunk and couldn't smell my own stink. But I carried on and got my four miles in.

Colon will not prevail.

I see Stupid People

2008-01-30T22:55:00.000-04:00

everyfuckingwhere. We are having a bit of situation here with ice snapping electric poles like an octogenerian's hip bones.

So we had no power for a spate of approximately 4 hours in the capital today. Some outlying areas haven't had power since Monday but when the townies lose their power, the world must stop. Except of course at a traffic intersection that was formerly controlled by TRAFFIC LIGHTS that don't work during a power outage. Driving for Dummies handbook will tell you that when the lights are not working, a controlled intersection reverts to a four way stop. Pretty easy concept one would think.

But there always has to be that one stupid twat who will not go when it is her turn to go, then everybody is all fucked up because, they're thinking, well should I go, oh, it looks like she might go, no - oh she moved - oh no she is screaming at her kid in the back. JUST FUCKING ALREADY YOU DUMB WHORE YOU ARE GOING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT. Then there is the fuckwad who doesn't even slow down when he approaches the intersection he just barrels right through because you know, if the lights aren't working, it is his god given right to go whenever he damn well wants to go.

Why can't the world be medicated and calm and rational like me? That is all I ask. If Oprah can brainwash the world to be like her, why can't I have people the way I want them? Why?

Because I don't like people that's why.

I Know it is Not Right

2008-01-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

But I don't know what to do about it.

The Archer and I have good times together. There is love, caring, gentleness, respect, fun, all good things.

But my good friend Harold, whom I have never met, pointed out to me after one of my posts about how we never fight and we rarely have conflict to which he said: In any type of relationship when there are no disagreements, someone is insignificant.

I have chewed on this statement, partially digested it, and found that it has caused me some emotional constipation. I am reminded of this statement often in different situations. But they aren't the Archer's problems: they are my problems. I need to decide if I can live with them or not. He may not realize that he manipulates, it is not a conscious action, but he does. The only thing I can change about the situation is my reaction to it. I can accept it, or reject it but I cannot demand that he change his behaviour because it does not suit me.

One of the lessons I learned from my doomed marriage was to ask for what you want, don't expect people to know what you want. This is something he never does. He never asks for what he really wants (okay, well in some scenarios he has no trouble asking for what he wants hee). It is very frustrating for someone who if you ask them, what would you like for supper, steak or chicken, if I have a preference that day, I will clearly tell you what my preference is. Some days I do not have a preference. Really, steak or chicken would be quite fine. The Archer on the other hand is always trying to guess what my preference is so that he can choose that. He will never say his preference in case it is not mine. IT IS ONLY FUCKING FOOD I DON'T FUCKING CARE JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. If I really do care, I will certainly tell you. Just decide already.

That is in every situation and it really gets to me sometimes. It often results in paralysis on his part and for an ENTJ like me this is a fate worse than death.

There is a bigger item that is not right, but I'm not sure how to formulate into words, yet, but the origin of the problem is the same: conflict avoidance. I try to deal with conflict by confronting it most of the time and having the uncomfortable feelings but then dealing with it and moving on. He does not like uncomfortable feelings so this is a huge issue.

A Review of Sorts

2008-01-15T21:29:00.000-04:00

Its not that I haven't wanted to post here, quite the contrary, I have been absolutely boisting with entries. Alas thanks to the demon saviour lithium, I am unable to maintain a coherent thought long enough to string it together. So I have decided to just throw up on this page right here and put it all out there in schizophrenic bi-polar borderline personality downright crazy assed order
(I am actually only one of those things but one often wonders by times)

1. Whilst performing a home bikini wax I have discovered my first grey. I don't know if it turned grey from boredom, fright, over-use or a combination thereof.This resulted in large amounts of vodka and cranberry and a box of chocolates. What do I do about that - Dye it?? Pluck it out, wax them all off you vindictive fucks?

2. I managed to handily pick up ten more pounds than I had this time last year. This is a direct result of not enough cardio. I know that if I eat like 4,800 calories a day I am required to put in 4 hours of cardio. I don't know why I can't get this very simple concept.

3. The Archer is well, the love of my life, but you know he is still allowed to grate on me sometimes, is he not? NO? fuck you.

4. I came to the sinking realization whilst talking to my boss (little big man), actually I was listening to him yammer that my mind wandered and it struck me: This is it. This is what my working career will be for the next 20 years. There is nothing more than just more of this very same moment over and over and over again. Vodka please.

5. I hate my house. It is too small for me and My 18 year old man boy and a dog. I hate my cupboards that don't shut properly and the fact that the drawers dangle when I open them. I hate that they are plywood and need to be painted white again. I hate that I have to buy new windows instead of spending all my income tax return on clothes for my Cuban vacation.

6. My puppy is evil. She attacks me at all times. I don't understand this as I love her and take her for walks and pick up her poop with an inverted Sobeys bag and subject myself to the humiliation of trotting down one of this city's busiest suburban streets every evenings carrying her stinky bag of poo. To thank me she growls at me until I move off her spot on the couch. Nasty bitch is she.

5. Facebook is evil. But I don't mind going to hell.

Things That Bug Me

2008-01-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

Everybody in bloggerville seems to have lists on their site so I am composing my own. My list should actually be titled People and/or Behaviours that irritate the fuck out of me, but the above is more palatable I believe. I will be adding to this list as I become irritated by people, places, and things, and will be be expanding with a separate post to rant about a particular numbered item. So here goes:

UPDATED January 8, 2008

1. Queue Jumpers

2. Nose pickers

3. Ass Kissers

4. Back Stabbers

5. People who drive below the speed limit. Fuck off and pull over.

6. Two facedness. If you don't like me, don't pretend to. Do you see me making nicey nice to you, bitch?

7. Right-to-Lifers. The little baby feet pins they peddle? Flushable feet I call them. I'm gonna burn in hell I know.

8. Radical Feminists who can't take a joke. Go home, shave your legs, layer your frizzy hair, wax the 'stash and try getting fucked without using batteries.

9. Passive Agressive behaviour. In other people. It's okay when I do it.

10. Blue Eyeshadow

11. Minivan & SUV Drivers

12. People who order toasted bagels at the Tim Horton's Drive Thru. If you're eating that crap you NEED to WALK into the store to order it. It's a drive-thru not five course dining. These people almost always drive minivans or SUV's and 99.99% of the time are women. Bitches.

13. People (co-workers) who think I give a fuck about what they did on the weekend. Umm.... did you hear me asking you what you did? No. Now go away.

14. People who insist on explaining anything and everything in excruciating
he said/she said and then this happened detail. Reader's Digest version please.

15. People who think a Bachelor of Arts is a good thing.

16. People who actually hang their bachelor of arts diploma on the cubicle fake wall. Actually this should be put on my List of People Whom We All Must Pity.

17. Rule Benders

18. Pick up truck drivers who never actually haul anything.

19. Dieters. Put down the bag of Cheetos, get the hell off the couch and stop fooling yourself.

20. People (women!) at the gym who just have to get in two more repetitions after the "Change Stations Now" queue comes on.

21. Cars with a foot of snow or ice on the engine bonnet, roof, sides, lights, etc. In fact, snow everywhere the windshield wipers can't reach. Nobody's job is that fucking important (unless you're my doctor and you're running late, then that's okay).

~~22. Diners who stack their plates for the server. Maybe only my husband does this but it's really irritating. He doesn't do that for me at home.~~

This doesn't bug me at all anymore. I think the ex just bugged me a lot.

23. Reality Shows

24. Political Correctness

25. Mothers who have no other points of conversation besides their adorable and highly advanced for their age children or their stretch marks, length of labour and c-section scars.

26. Pop up ads on the web

27. Reruns during sweeps month

28. Reusable ink cartridges that never work (grrrr)

29. Tailgaters

30. Yeast infections

~~31. Early morning sex~~
I now LOVE Sex - all the time all day. Morning noon, night, afternoon, night, morning - whenever, I'm good.

32. People who are always late. It is just really rude.

33. People who make excuses for being late.

34. People who don't apologize for keeping you waiting.

35. People who get upset if you leave without them after waiting for 15 minutes and they haven't called.

36. Constipation

37. People who talk about you when you are still in the room.

38. People who ask questions that are none of their fucking business. Example: "Where did you go for lunch?" Uhh downtown..... "Oh, Where?" Just around. Nobody is that stupid and why do you need to know?

39. Deceitful people. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

40.~~. Cat hair on my couch.~~

Now it is dog hair on my couch. And something else. Cats didn't stink when they lounged on your furniture. Dogs certainly do.

41. HTML. Christ. Why can't get this list to appear in my side bar. I am such a tool. Help!

42. Dogs who sniff my crotch and then sneeze afterward. And dogs who are looking for buried treasure in my crotch. Mayhaps I should wash more?

43. Crumbs on my countertop. How many times do I have to say "Use a goddamn plate please?"

44. People who have more than 8 items in the express line, like 25 items. And Yes I count them. And yes, I'm sure that bugs some people but you've got to know you're way over.

45. Plastic Surgery. Does anyone really look their age, and why should it really matter??

46. Botox

47. Office politics. I don't have time and I'm just not that nice.

48. Politics in general

49. Dark Framed Glasses. I don't know why.

50. Burgundy hair

51. Co-workers who don't think it's their job to change the toilet paper roll. Just for that, I'm gonna make a really big stinky.

52. Icicle lights. In June.

53. Catholics who think that everyone else is bad people because they don't go to church.

54. Catholic Aunts who send me religous Christmas Cards with pictures of flushable feet on them.

55. Bipolars who say they are ultra rapid cyclers. There is no such thing. You are not that unique. Everyone says that.

56. Back Acne. Thank you Lithium

57. Needing a mood stabilizer in order to "fully integrate into society"

58. Pantyhose

59. People who don't shovel their sidewalks

60. People who complain they can't lose weight but they still eat fast food garbage. B00-Hoo.

61. People who complain they have no money but eat lunch out every day.

62. Overdraft charges

63. Being in overdraft

64. People who ALWAYS look for the ulterior motive in the actions of others

65. Retail clerks who don't acknowledge my royal presence.

66. People who insist on taking their 2 year old to grown up movies so we can all appreciate the lovely child more.

67. Excessive and unnecessary use of "quotation" marks

68. People who always talk about how honest they are. Truly honest people don't have to advertise.

69. People who insist they are "a good person" What exactly does that mean?

70. Teenager who think I don't know when he his lying. I am the queen of teenage lying. Don't bother cause I'll call you on it every time.

71. Hypocrites (sometimes I am one, but often I admit it and recognize it)

72. Acquaintances who keep trying to see if they can notice the bag of shit around my waist.

73. The Cover stock type paper that is inserted into my magazines that automatically by default open to that page so I can read that fucking ad 500 times when I am brushing my teeth.

74. People who pronounce lawn with a 'd' on the end of it.

75. Community Groups with a public axe to grind who elect for their tv & radio spokesperson a person who is either:
1. Suffering from a speech impediment
2. In the end stages of gum disease
3. Is horrifically ugly
or
4. Is somehow otherwise disfigured.

76. Overweight Dieticians

77. Emailers who then physically come tell me they emailed me.

78 Improper use of apostrophe's (hehe)

79. Dial-up. Why do I live in bumblefuck?

80. Single Parent Syndrome. More on that later

81. Bloggers who add audio to their posts so that when the page loads the music plays.

82. Drama Queens

83. Platitudes:
"Sounds like you are having a hard time."

"I'm sorry you're feeling so badly."

"I'm sorry this has happened to you."

I don't know why, but they always end up sounding so insincere when I feel the person really wants to say something like "Buck the fuck up and move on with your life dude."

84. Internet Service Providers who give you a toll free number for technical support then put hold for 30 minutes while telling you every 30 seconds to go to their website for assistance.

85 Dumbasses who carry their children, ages anywhere between 6 months and four years old, on their lap while cutting their grass on their ride-on mowers.

86. Tenant who does not know the difference between box board and cardboard and puts the box board in the blue bag when it is supposed to go in the mother fucking compost bin. GRRRR.

Well Waddya Know

2007-12-25T15:08:00.000-04:00

It was a good day. The Archer spent most of Christmas Eve with me and My Boy, then came back late in the evening to spend Christmas morning with us. We opened our presents in the morning, all was lovely and thoughtful and dinner was great.

What else can you ask for, to be with the ones you love whilst stuffing your face?

Fuck You, Christmas

2007-12-20T22:29:00.000-04:00

What a miserable effing time of the year. Does anyone ever actually enjoy it? Next year I am taking the grand I spend on presents for not always but sometimes ungrateful undeserving people and going to a Carribean island for a week, drinking rum punch and working on my melanoma.

Really, aren't people always let down by Christmas is one way or the other? I eat too much then obsess about my squishy belly and saddlebags. I fight with My Boy because he makes a big mess and doesn't pick up after himself. I become frustrated with my family because they are always trying to find fault instead of enjoying each other's company. I am disappointed that I don't get to spend more time with my Archer.

What other time of year would I drive 8 peanut butter balls down my throat in one sitting followed by 3/4 a bag of Wavy Lays and 3 kahlua and milks? Really.

The stores are busy. The service is horrendous. I don't have the money to be spending like this. I like to have oil in my furnace and food in the cupboard. I guess that is what minimum payments are for though, right?

So I have decided that following this year, I am just going to say FUCK YOU CHRISTMAS,
fuck you crazy impatient drivers,
fuck you, I am the only soccer mom in the world who is looking for guitar hero so get the hell out of my way or I will ram this shopping cart up your ass,
fuck you plastic management team who forces me to decorate our area because it will improve office morale,
fuck you mall management and your fucking smarmy fucking christmas carols. YOU better watch out, Buddy, cause if I find the source of that music, you won't be able to sit down for a week.
Fuck you global warming with your -11 and 2 feet of snow 2 weeks before this blessed day WTF??? I thought global warming meant t-shirts not long johns.

So, I think I will just forgo Christmas next year, buy the fixings for a lovely meal, dine with the people I love and care about, then hop on a plane to Cuba for a week and become comfortably numb, but not from frostbite.

Thank you Cool Girl

2007-12-18T10:21:00.001-04:00

I was waiting for her response, now that she is a smug married (ahem).

When the Archer and I have issues, or rather when I identify an issue I have with a situation, his response is always "I always mean the best. I never mean anyone evil or ill will or harm" I believe him. His intentions are always very pure. He never sets out to hurt or isolate or humiliate people or do things intentionally to make a person feel small. He never does.

He is merely a lost man in a large world.

You see our relationship was so good for so long and we complemented each other so well that when I did have an issue my first reaction, based on past experiences was that we are doomed. If it is not perfect, then it is over because he will never be able to tolerate/live with even the slightest touch of a problem.

I was very wrong. We had a huge issue come out about a month ago. It was completely my wrongdoing. I didn't think we would get passed it, I didn't think he could forgive me or accept what I had done. He did and even defended me when I placed him in a very, very difficult situation. When I reflected on this, I realized how much he really loves and cares about me. Otherwise, he would never have stood by me.

We are in it for the long haul. The good and the bad.

I love him. That is the bottom line. Nothing else matters. He loves me. We want to have a good life together, experience the world and all that it has to offer us. I want to make a life with him. There are several difficult family situations for him that make some things awkward for him.

I am content to have as much of him as he can give me. If that means on Christmas day waving bye to My Boy at noon to be with the ex and him at 2:00 so he can spend time with his kids, so be it. Me and my puppy will have the day to ourselves.

And I will have the Archer the rest of the year.

Do I Need Therapy?

2007-12-13T12:01:00.000-04:00

Oh, most definitely. What I do not need is a psychiatrist. That is the problem with manic depressives you see. Sometimes we just have everyday regular problems that we may need help sorting through that don't necessarily require the magnifying glass of a psychiatrist:

ME: This situation makes me feel like I am not a big part of his life and I feel undervalued but really just very sad that I have made him such a focal point in my life, but I'm not getting the same (or what I need) back.

Therapist: Yes... I know..... Tell me more about it....

Shrink: What were you thinking when you were having sex? Do you have suicidal thoughts? Are you in love with me?

So when a manic depressive/bipolar/fucked up wench goes to seek help on an issue that is clearly just a fucking issue people, it is not a mental health emergency. Everyone's crazy radar starts turning faster than NORAD during the 80's.

All I want to do is talk to someone about a relationship issue, to work it out with somebody so that I can reach a decision that is healthy for me. I do not want to kill myself or anyone else. I am not depressed, nor do I feel a burning desire to buy 5 pairs of shoes and go fuck the brains out of the Fedex guy or the Future Shop Clerk who is trying to sell me an extended warranty on my TV.

No. None of that. All I merely want to do is to talk it out with somebody in a safe place where feelings will not be hurt and judgments will not be made.

The problem is the EAP therapist if fucking petrified I will go off the deep end of either pole on her watch, my regular shrink is in Australia until June, I don't have the patience or the intestinal fortitude to explain my life story over again to some other unsuspecting pdoc, so I'm really out of options.

I mentioned one aspect of the situation to my sis and her first reaction was "Well you know what I would do? I would kick him to the curb." So she is out.

So guess what Blog? Tag. You're it.

I have a Post Screaming to Get Out

2007-12-13T09:59:00.000-04:00

I just need 20 minutes to formulate my thoughts.

2007-12-08T21:35:00.000-04:00

It was the Archer's Birthday yesterday. Birthdays are special. One should spend them with the people one cares about, celebrating all that is great in your life.

I saw him for about 45 minutes. I am very hurt. I went to a lot of trouble to make his day very special for him because he constantly tells me how nobody cares - his family, his kids, nobody. I wanted to make him feel special.

He got a better offer. That's okay.

He asked me that night at 1:00 a.m if I was mad at him. I truthfully told him no. It was his day and he alone can choose with whom he spends it. As it is with every day.

Now I know.

This place

2007-11-28T07:02:00.000-04:00

In times of stress or contemplation, this place is my sanctuary. I remove myself from my world and retreat to this place that no one else knows about. A place to express my thoughts that often times should not be expressed, but provide me great relief. A place to work through my problems and determine the best course of action. A place to bitch and rant and snot and chortle and sometimes just a place to tell the world a big FUCK YOU.

Not sure what I would do without this place.

I Don't Know

2007-11-22T15:33:00.000-04:00

There are things about my relationship that weigh on my mind. The non-exposure between me and his kids. Don't get me wrong, I most certainly definitely do not want to be their mother. But I guess what I am looking for is some acknowledgement by him that the other exists in his life. As it is now we are each an unknown entity to each other. To me, this is wrong. I know the reason, it is because he fears his exe's reaction. But to me that too is wrong. He is continuing to live is life based on what her reaction to a situation is. That is unacceptable to me. But you know what? Like it or lump it. I either have to deal with it, accept it and move on, or decide that it is a deal breaker and truly move on as in, move on to another relationship.

The latter is not an option. But I am having trouble working through it. What can I expect? Do I need to change my perspective here? I think I do. I think he only means the best for everyone and is put in a difficult situation.

I need to ask myself before I do something, Is what I am about to do/say going to enhance my relationship or detract from it? Or will it have a neutral effect? Sometimes I forget to think about the consequences of my actions and what I am really looking for in life.

And that is a long loving relationship with the man I love. So I should start acting accordingly.

I'm Still Here

2007-11-15T15:34:00.000-04:00

I have been spending all of my time with the Archer helping him renovate his new home. I have returned to my old job and quite enjoy the very hectic pace (for now).

I am trying to figure out what I am going to get everyone for Christmas (and how to pay for it).

My mental health is stable I'm thinking. (usually means it isn't but who the hell knows?)

Colon is giving me a good ass kicking but that happens sometimes when you stop taking your medication.

However, what is really getting to me is that the old job and the Archer's renovations are really infringing on my gym schedule. My obsessive exercising has come to an end. I only have time for 3 or 4 trips to the gym a week an this is really really bugging me.

It is Time

2007-10-30T16:41:00.000-03:00

That I grow up. I know what you are thinking; But Manica you are but a cub of a cougar at the gentle age of 36. But you see, 36 year old women do not get so inebriated before the party they are attending at a public sports bar that then have trouble getting to the washroom on their own. They do not draw a complete blank on most of the evening's events. They do not have to hint around at the Archer at what time she got home that night. They do not have to worry about opening their eyes the next days for fear her head may shatter. Thank goodness for facebook or I would have absolutely no clue what happened.

I think I am starting to develop a really tight relationship with alcohol. I am not at all comfortable with it.

Hello From Mom

2007-10-24T08:31:00.000-03:00

My mother woke me up this morning at 4:30. I didn't realize it was her at first. I awoke with a start and my mind immediately screamed PAY ATTENTION!

So I got up to pee. Stumbled out of the washroom, thrashed around in the bed for 20 minutes thinking about how my life has been so busy of late and I haven't had time to reflect on it and I don't think I could be living my best life.

I go back to sleep until 6. The Archer and I are sitting over peanut butter toast and homemade strawberry jam (it was my jam that reminded me) when I realize what day it was .

My mother has come back to see me 13 years to the minute to tell me things I need to hear.