The Life of Marty - Take Two

Iphone Therefore I am- the Purchase

2009-07-15T22:03:00.002-04:00

I purchased the iphone today.

It is a necessity at this point. The technology is so advanced in London. I must try to keep pace.

Why won't Bill Gates and Steve Jobs accept my facebook friend requests?

More Small Food

2009-07-14T14:15:00.002-04:00

Sunday, I went to Citifield to see the Mets play. I brought a glove in case I was needed.

I ordered a whole wheat pizza. They gave me a box the size of a personal pizza box from Pizza Hut. Inside was a regular if somewhat small square slice of pizza. The size of the box led me to believe I was getting something bigger. It cost $5.50 for that slice, more than double the price of a slice outside the ball park.

Yesterday, I bought a donut in Tim Horton's. It was smaller than the Dunkin Donuts one.

Either the food is getting smaller or my appetite is increasing. I kinda think it's the former.

Grilled Roast Sandwich in KFC

2009-07-11T19:22:00.002-04:00

It was the size of a hockey puck. I had to get something else to eat cause I was hungry.

Maybe it was a sign from G-d not to eat this stuff.

Meet the Madoffs

2009-07-06T23:33:00.002-04:00

It's just come to me, much like a gas pain.

What happened w/Bernie Madoff was terrible. Sure, he's in "jail" for 150 years and working in the prison bookkeeping department. But that really isn't what people want. People want their money back.

Here is the solution: Meet the Madoffs

The Madoff family must submit to being in a reality show tracking their movements 24/7 until every last investor is paid back. Advertising would be sold for the program. This w/b the principal revenue stream. But there also w/b DVDs and Madoff merchandise sales. Who doesn't want to dress up as Bernie Madoff for Halloween? The possibilities are endless. The Madoffs Meet the Munsters could be a made for tv movie. I don't know about you but I'm salivating over that one.

Now, I'm not sure if there are any hot Madoff babes or Kim Kardashian equivalents in that family. But it w/b nice if there were. Perhaps, Kim Kardashian can marry in to the Madoff family to help goose the ratings.

I swear sometimes I think I've missed my calling.

What I'm Doing Right Now

2009-07-05T20:41:00.002-04:00

I'm presently completing my play entitled "The Good Fairy." It is a comedy about a Good Fairy.

In addition I'm taking an acting class which ends soon.

After the acting class ends (or with some overlap), I begin rehearsal for a local production of the show Heaven Can Wait. I play Mr. Jordan (complete w/some semblance of a British accent). That play w/b performed in Queens for 2 weekends in late October.

After the play ends, I will be co-directing a murder mystery which I wrote entitled "There's No Accounting for Murder." That will take place Jan-Mar 2010 at various restaurants in Nassau/Suffolk County, Long Island.

If you intend to be in the new york area and see me perform, late October is the best time to come in. Alternatively, if there are enough people interested, I can do an open mike night in Manhattan, where there are 12 other comedians on the bill besides me.

Competitive Eating

2009-07-04T13:15:00.002-04:00

The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island just ended. It was broadcast on ESPN. Some guy ate like 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I'm not sure if I've eaten 68 hot dogs in 10 years.

Let's examine this a bit further. It was broadcast on ESPN. Competitive eating is a sport. Instead of teaching your child about baseball, football and/or basketball, there is now an alternative, Competitive Eating. And why not, with childhood obesity being what it is, a child needs to exploit his/her talents. It can give new meaning to the term child prodigy and raise the self-esteem of the fat kid in the class.

Soon as we develop Competitive Eating events for children, we can then push to have it become an Olympic event. Once it's an Olympic event, there can be offshoots like synchronized eating or even an eating relay team. It boggles the mind.

And what about the tv analysts? What training do they need to announce a competitive eating event? "He eats, he scores!" Marv Albert probably has other committments.

Have you ever eaten competitively?

Iphone therefore I am

2009-07-03T21:55:00.002-04:00

As some of you may know, my phone is over two years old. There is also mold on the phone case which is being held together with scotch tape. I am also not able to take nor recover any pictures on the phone no matter how long I charge it.

I think it's time for a change.

My choice is the iphone as one of the applications is an Absolute Radio application which allows me to listen to the station on the phone.

One of my biggest worries is whether or not I will be able to use this iphone in London. I visit annually as some of you already know.

Anyone got the new iphone? Will it work in London? Any help w/b appreciated.

I am Bifocular

2009-07-03T21:43:00.002-04:00

In the last few years, it's gotten harder for me to read things. Now, generally seeing is becoming a little more of an adventure.

I just went to my eye doctor and while my eyes are otherwise fine thankfully, I need glasses for mild astigmatism as well as reading glasses. He's prescribed bifocals.

They cost $360 but $323 after my AARP discount. This is the first time my AARP membership proved a benefit.

You won't see me wearing the glasses for the most part except while working, writing, and perhaps driving.

And, no the glasses are not foolish looking. But the temptation was there for the Jerry Lewis model.

Bubbles the Chimp

2009-07-02T13:07:00.002-04:00

I think CNN just interviewed Michael Jackson's chimp Bubbles for a comment on Michael's untimely death.

It seems that Bubbles moved on, got an accounting degree, and is taking the CPA exam in November.

It's good to know there is upward mobility.

The Nutty Professor- the Musical

2009-06-30T18:17:00.002-04:00

In today's New York Post, there is an article indicating that Jerry Lewis will be directing a musical version of the Nutty Professor on Broadway.

This is like a gift from the gods for me. I am a huge Jerry Lewis fan and can't wait.

What songs can there be? "The Nutty Professor Overture". He's nutty and his alter ego is buddy, he's the nutty nutty professor....la la la.

"Miss Purdy's anthem"- She's blonde and beautiful and oh so dutiful in my science class. And she's got a real nice ass.

Someone in my acting class told me that years ago there was a musical version of the movie Exodus. It ran on Broadway for maybe two weeks. I asked if there was a song called "The Jews are getting on the boat" sung to the tune of a song from West Side Story.

Some films should NOT be made into musicals. What are they?

Nobody Really Dies Anymore

2009-06-26T00:21:00.002-04:00

In the last week, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson have died.

While it's sad for a person to die, when a celebrity dies it's different.

I didn't have the privilege of knowing personally any of the above celebrities surprisingly enough. Had they known me perhaps their fate would have been different. They might've died earlier.

Nonetheless, and being quite frank, I'm not going to miss any of these people. It's not because I'm a heartless bastard, it's because technology is such, that I can tune in to any of these people online should I have the urge.

"Youtube- Where You Can Live Forever..." "Youtube- No One Ever Dies" I'm guessing my new slogans won't be used anytime soon.

Talk to the Ass

2009-06-24T10:52:00.002-04:00

There's a woman I see often at my train stop who I have affectionately dubbed "the ass." She is tall maybe 5ft 9in maybe 5ft 10in, has blonde hair, a face which usually bears a scowl, a smallish chest, and generous hips (ergo, "the ass").

I have only spoken to her once. That was while another person was around. We were all lamenting the lateness of the train on a cold day.

Even though, I see her several times a week, neither one of us has initiated further conversation.

Would you talk to the ass?

King of Karaoke in Kentucky

2009-06-22T22:05:00.001-04:00

Marty Copa Cabana from Bubblewench on Vimeo.

Blog Roll

2009-06-21T11:49:00.002-04:00

I am not the most technically proficient person. And as those of you who've met me know, I'm barely literate (or normal).

In any event, I'm in the process of updating my blog roll. I'm trying to add everyone who I recall meeting at ConFab. So, if I don't add you right away, it's not you it's me (sorry, I get that a lot surprisingly enough).

Once I add you to the blog roll, I know that gives me an obligation to visit. I hope to be diligent.

Grilled Sardines

2009-06-20T20:16:00.002-04:00

As regular readers know (all 4 of you), I am enamored of sardines. My trips to San Juan and London were always punctuated by a visit to a restaurant which would prepare for me grilled sardines with garlic and oil.

Lo and behold, I discovered on Friday that there is a restaurant around the corner from my office in new yawk that prepares grilled sardines. Just think of the savings in travel expense.

Such is my love of grilled sardines that I'm considering putting it high up on my list for the qualities I am looking for in a potential spouse. If you can cook grilled sardines with garlic and oil you are on the list.

Marty Shakespeare

2009-06-20T20:11:00.002-04:00

A play what I wrote had a reading in my acting class. It's only 33 pages and needs lots of work. But I was treated like someone important as a writer. Apparently, a lot of actors can't write.

People were helpful with their comments and I hope to write more and develop this into a full length play.

Oh, as if you couldn't determine, it is a comedy.

Consolutely Fabulous- Aftermath

2009-06-16T22:17:00.002-04:00

I left Lexington about 10:30am. Before I left I ran into Sybil Law and had a nice chat. She was getting ready to leave for home too. I stopped in the Joseph Beth bookstore bought some Kentucky chocolate as well as a book about Kentucky ghosts.

It was a beautiful day to leave. No rain, just right. There was a delay on 64 going out as Kentucky deemed Sunday a good time to paint the road. Why are the people who schedule road maintenance so friggin stupid? I tried to stop at a Cracker Barrel in Huntington, WV for breakfast/lunch but it was crowded. So, I settled for a footlong chicken breast hero on whole wheat from Subway along w/a Pibb (southern cherry coke equivalent). I always try to have local food products that don't frighten me too much. No way am I touching grits. Biscuits and gravy just grosses me out. Sorry southern folk.

Anyways, I flew through West Virginia along 77, 79 and 68 and got through Maryland too. It was getting late for driving. Out of new yawk and new jersey, if you stop too late you are not getting anything to eat.

I stopped in Chamberserg, PA, maybe 220 miles from new yawk. There I stayed at the Hampton Inn. The room was very nice. I had dinner at a Bob Evans near the hotel. I tried a beverage called the Arnold Palmer which is half iced tea half lemonade. It taste like lemon flavored iced tea. I had the turkey platter which was fine.

The next day, I had complimentary breakfast at the hotel which was lovely. They had fresh fruit. I hadn't had fresh fruit for several days. Once again, I left at 10:30am. The PA road crews are also geniuses, they delayed me 45 minutes on route 81 near exit 45. It's maddening. The rest of the trip was uneventful. I made it home about 4pm.

I enjoyed the road trip. Frankly, I enjoy staying at hotels as well.

Who knows when the next road trip will be? Will I be appearing at a town near you?

Consolutely Fabulous!- Day 2

2009-06-15T22:53:00.002-04:00

I got in somewhere after 1:30am. I was pretty wound up as I generally am after a performance so I watched tv. Fell asleep after 2:30. Woke up 7am and went back to sleep. Got up 11am.

Turnbaby was nice enough to email me a list of stuff to do in Kentucky. As I got up so late, it limited me. First thing I did was go to one of the local Waffle House franchises for breakfast. There are no Waffle House franchises in new yawk. When, I finished up there it was after 1pm. After careful study, I was determined to visit the Henry Clay estate and the Mary Todd Lincoln House. I made it to the Clay estate and did the tour. It was very enjoyable and I learnt quite a bit. I got to Mary Todd's house too late for the tour.

Now the trick was to find my way back. Somehow I did. Then I headed off to the Talon Winery since they are open to 7pm on Saturdays. I passed some horse farms en route. At the winery I bought some blackberry wine. Not seen that in new yawk or long island wines. It was about 4:30pm, and I realized I needed a black tshirt for my Elvis costume. I bought it in Marshall's. Then I went for dunch (Lunch/dinner) in Outback Steakhouse. Given my propensity for flatulence, I limited my broccoli intake.

I arrived at Bliss Manor aka the Fab/Turnbaby estate somewhere after 8pm. I grabbed some food. They have a karaoke stage in the basement. I put on my Elvis costume, took pictures w/the other guests, did some Elvis songs and sweat like a pig in that rubber costume. After I changed back to "normal attire", one of the guests mentioned she collects tshirts. I gave her the one I was wearing and wore the black tshirt. I hope I don't see the shirt on ebay along with commemorative Confab baby shot glass.

The party ended about 1am and I headed back to the hotel.

Consolutely Fabulous!- Day 1

2009-06-15T19:06:00.003-04:00

When I told people I was going to visit people in Kentucky who I had never met before, people offered to take out life insurance policies on my life. Well, if you took out that policy, you lost because I made it back alive.

My journey started out last Thursday from new yawk. It rained off and on as I passed through New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland and West Virginia. I stopped for gas in New Jersey, took a pee around Harrisburg, PA and ate my homemade sardine sandwich (not at the same time) and stopped at the West Virginia welcome center.

At the West Virginia visitor center, the lady was nice enough to give me a hotel discount book which included Morgantown, West Virginia, my intended stopping point. The discount book listed a Ramada. As I drove up to it, from the outside it looked like a penal institution. Fortunately, they had no available rooms. I then drove to the Waterfront Place Hotel on Don Knotts Boulevard (he's from Morgantown). It is prob the nicest place there for miles around. It proved to be not very expensive so I stayed. I ate dinner in the hotel restaurant. The salad had crunchy bits in it that I thought were going to crack my teeth and the salmon had so much Jamaican style spice on it making it almost inedible. But I was hungry. When I told the waitress, it was too spicy, she said well, you ate it. I had to order an ice cream dessert to put out the fire in my mouth. That took about 10 minutes to arrive. I so hope Gordon Ramsey visits.

The next day, I ate breakfast in the hotel, scrambled eggs and whole wheat toast sent me scrambling back to my room in a hurry. I popped a pepto bismol tablet and prayed I'd make it to Kentucky w/o incident. The drive through West Virginia on Highways 68, 79 and 77 was incredibly scenic. What a pretty state. Somehow, I need to visit sometime.

Highway 64 leading into Kentucky was a great disappointment. I made it to Kentucky and the Hilton Suites in Lexington w/o incident. My hotel room was magnificent. I had a sitting area as well as a bedroom area. I wandered through the giant streets and malls and ate lunch/dinner at an Olive Garden. The spaghetti and meat sauce was fine.

Next, I arrived at the home of Mr. Fab and Turnberry. I had never met them and they welcomed me into their home. I said hello to Dutch Bitch who I had met in Amsterdam. I met quite a few other people. I am very bad with names/blogs. As Coal Miner's Granddaughter has posted already, I'll give her a mention. Surprisingly enough, she is from West Virginia and I told her how lovely I thought her birth state is.

We then went to Karaoke at the Southland Bowling Alley. I don't pride myself on my singing, I pride myself on being an idiot. I think I lived up to that. The song Copacabana has prob never been performed there as I did it (and prob for good reason). Next, figuring that I hadn't insulted the audience sufficiently, I performed Hey Good Looking by Hank Williams. I hit the high notes but next day I felt it. Simply Irresistable and Dancing Queen rounded out my choices. I was saving Elvis for Saturday.

Field of Dreams

2009-06-11T07:32:00.002-04:00

Denis Field, former head of the accounting firm of BDO Seidman was indicted essentially for offering to clients illegal tax shelters.

In 1987, while employed for BDO Seidman, Mr. Field was given the task of counseling me out of BDO Seidman. This is a professional way of firing me as of April 15, 1988.
Unfortunately, this counseling session needed to take place on the eve of Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, a few hours before the holiday began.

When I asked Denis about this, he denied knowing I was Jewish or that it was a Jewish holiday.

Every dog has his day. Payback is a bitch. The barrel rolls. Insert your own cliche.

Online Lunch

2009-06-06T00:11:00.002-04:00

Lately, I've been ordering my lunch online.

There are a few benefits.

First, no waiting in line to order.

Second, payment by charge.

Third, some establishments offer a discount for online ordering. One establishment I used gave me 20% off.

So far so good.

Consumer Marty likes this concept and gives it a 10.

Techno Marty 2009

2009-05-31T11:51:00.002-04:00

I was twittering with a friend overseas and she suggested that I utilize the Firefox browser instead of Internet Explorer. I had IE7 and was due to update to IE8.

Instead I've downloaded the Firfox browser and have noticed a tremendous increase in the speed.

I have had to do a few things. I had to download the Adobe Flash Player and an update to Real Player. Otherwise so far seamless.

Anyone else using Mozilla Firefox?

Cat Skills

2009-05-29T23:20:00.002-04:00

I was driving my car and as it's still relatively new, I'm still getting used to it.

Yesterday, I was driving and a black cat ran in front of the car. I slammed on the brakes. I didn't feel anything hit the car which was comforting but I didn't see the cat run across either.

I drove up a bit and looked in the rear view mirror and their was nothing in the street.

I continued driving to my destination. I parked and checked the front of the car and the wheels. Nothing, thankfully.

Can't imagine how that cat got across. It was like the cat was playing chicken with the car. What was that cat thinking?

I'm relieved (and hopefully not delusional).

The Worst Rewards Program?

2009-05-25T07:22:00.002-04:00

As loyal readers know, my life revolves around points. I obtain these points by obtaining frequent flier miles, points from charging with credit cards, staying at certain hotels, etc.

I had occasion to sign up with Amtrak Guest Rewards last February. The sign up bonus was 500 points. They only credited me with 250.

Two AMTRAK trips I have taken remain uncredited.

A call, 2 emails from their site, and a letter remain unaddressed.

It's ashame that an entity sponsored by the United States of America treats their users with such callous disregard.

AMTRAK, based on your behavior your Guest Rewards program appears to be a scam.

Consumer Marty gives AMTRACK Guest Rewards a 0. Caveat Emptor!

I Dream of England

2009-05-17T10:16:00.002-04:00

Last night I was seated at my PC listening to British radio at about 11pm. I regularly (or more accurately, compulsively) listen to British radio.

Suddenly, I became sleepy. I fell asleep and had a wonderful dream about being at the station where the DJ was broadcasting from. There were people with British accents in the dream.

It was a wonderful dream and I woke up calm and relaxed.

What does this dream mean?