The Terrorist's Dictionary

adviser – noun

2008-07-22T08:46:00.004-04:00

1. One who provides rationales for actions already taken by another.

2. One who guesses what another believes and pronounces this on his behalf to the public.

I have plenty of advisers, but I only listen to one of them—the one I take a shower with every morning. --Donald Rumsfeld

time horizon – noun

2008-07-19T18:12:00.003-04:00

A deadline that remains equally as far away as when first set, no matter how much time passes.

USAGE: In the area of security cooperation, the President and the Prime Minister agreed that improving conditions should allow for the agreements now under negotiation to include a general time horizon for meeting aspirational goals.

expert – noun

2008-07-18T14:31:00.006-04:00

A person with specialized knowledge about a particular subject that qualifies him to opine about anything and everything.

social networking – noun

2008-07-10T16:42:00.004-04:00

1. A method for testing one's popularity and status.

2. A means of keeping in contact with friends without having to interact with them.

gentrification – noun

2008-05-20T01:25:00.003-04:00

The ethnic cleansing of a neighborhood through rental pricing.

pro bono – adjective

2008-05-20T01:22:00.002-04:00

(Etymology: Latin "for the good.") Law––For the good of one's own reputation.

humility – noun

2008-05-20T01:19:00.002-04:00

The inability to articulate one's feelings of superiority over others.

humanitarian intervention – noun

2008-05-20T01:17:00.002-04:00

The slaughter of tens of thousands to prevent the slaughter of thousands.

article – noun

2008-05-05T23:16:00.001-04:00

A published appeal for an advertisement.

ombudsman – noun

2008-04-21T13:20:00.004-04:00

A spokesperson hired by a newspaper to defend its practices against the slanders of its readership.

As a columnist, Mr. Brooks is entitled to his opinions, as readers are entitled to disagree with them. In this specific case, he quite clearly was using this writerly device to indicate his belief that critics of neo-conservatives think all neo-conservatives are Jewish. Thank you for your comments.

analyst – noun

2008-04-21T12:57:00.003-04:00

Someone whose resumé bestows a veneer of objectivity to his sales pitches.

Diversion: Earl Scruggs and the Byrds

2008-04-20T00:47:00.002-04:00

misspeak – verb

2008-04-20T00:45:00.002-04:00

To say something that garners negative publicity and polls poorly.

leadership – noun

2008-04-17T08:54:00.001-04:00

The ability to direct credit towards oneself and blame to others.

hope – noun

2008-04-15T14:46:00.003-04:00

An idle wish that the future, contrary to the laws of induction, be less wretched than the past and present.

Diversion: Wilco

2008-04-04T01:44:00.006-04:00

The last three years have been difficult. Probable back surgery is the latest turn.

At least there's music.

I know you're not listening
No I know you're not listening

kill - verb

2008-04-04T01:03:00.008-04:00

To cause death without guilt.

COMMENT: Murder is, of course, one of the most egregious sins. One way to avoid it is not to kill people. The other is to kill so indiscriminately that the act becomes disconnected from intent, and therefore from guilt. Both are socially acceptable.

At least 21 civilians, including six children, have been killed in US air strikes in Afghanistan ... The deaths brought the total of civilian deaths to almost 100 in the past two weeks ... A spokesman for the US forces, Major William Mitchell, declared that the troops had killed a "significant" number of insurgents in firefights and the subsequent bombing. "We don't have any reports of civilian casualties" he said. " There are enemy casualties - I think the number is significant."

personal responsibility – noun

2008-04-04T00:13:00.003-04:00

1. The capacity to accept blame for being victimized.

2. The solipsist's virtue.

3. A developed sense of deference to private-property rights.

Diversion: "Crying" by Roy Orbison

2008-03-29T23:29:00.000-04:00

green-collar job – noun

2008-03-29T19:14:00.004-04:00

Service employment at an organic-food establishment.

reverend – noun

2008-03-29T13:58:00.002-04:00

1. A person who quotes the Bible, pontificates about morals, seeks donations, but doesn't run for public office.

2. A person deserving of the same awe and respect one has for non-existent objects.

3. A stand-up comic with a religious routine.

4. An expert consultant on sex and graft scandals.

lame duck – noun

2008-03-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

The main character of a satyr play that follows a tragic trilogy.

unknown unknown – noun

2008-03-28T08:47:00.006-04:00

Something that one doesn't know that one doesn't know (e.g. anything one thinks one knows).

The Unknown

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
(h/t to Slate)

pastor – noun

2008-03-26T23:22:00.003-04:00

The shepherd of a flock that he regularly fleeces for money.

Diversion – Rev. Wright in context

2008-03-21T11:06:00.001-04:00

h/t Andrew Sullivan.