Your Big, Cellulite Covered Booty

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8010473.post-87699378227563023412008-05-13T06:33:00.000-07:002008-05-13T08:52:22.796-07:00Your Big, Cellulite Covered BootyI know you have cellulite on your booty. Even if you are a resident of Los Angeles and best friends with a plastic surgeon, I know you have some ripples and dimples somewhere on that big ole booty of yours. What I don't know is whether or not someone is coming to take a picture of your booty. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_Q0GTBT8HzCc/SCkZuoi20MI/AAAAAAAABHE/ybdgdUJIhmg/s1600-h/your.celeb.booty.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_Q0GTBT8HzCc/SCkZuoi20MI/AAAAAAAABHE/ybdgdUJIhmg/s320/your.celeb.booty.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199715533724242114" border="0" /></a>You see, I was at the grocery store waaay too late last night, and the covers of the magazines in the checkout aisle were totally harassing me. Why do I have to walk past the checkout line at a grocery store, where, mind you, I am buying FOOD, and see pretty much every magazine cover discussing who's too fat, who's too thin, and how to lose 10-20 even 50 pounds while still eating white sugar, flour and a boatload of salt? Why? And clearly it was a slow news week at the National Enquirer because they did one of their covers similar to this one, spotlighting which stars have cellulite. Hint to the Enquirer: ALL OF THEM have it. Every single last female celebrity has cellulite. Even if they have starved themselves down to crack-head levels, they probably still have some cellulite. No matter how much you try to get those ripples sucked out and smoothed and whatever the heck else, 99% of women are going to have cellulite. It's called being human. Instead, the Enquirer brings poor Mischa Barton to tears by running a photo of her 22 year-old booty, complete with ripples and dimples. Now, I'm sure on the one hand Mischa's loving the free press because she hasn't had anything going on since the OC went off TV. In fact, I'll bet you asked yourself, "Who the heck is Mischa Barton?" Yeah, me too. Never watched the show and I don't think she's "hot" by any stretch of the imagination. But now Mischa's got an interview with OK! Magazine about how unfair the Enquirer was. OK! asked Mischa profound questions like, "Are you self-conscious about your body?" -- to which Mischa said, "No," because<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bp0.blogger.com/_Q0GTBT8HzCc/SCmZa4i20NI/AAAAAAAABHM/m5coPxBm2Z0/s1600-h/43.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp0.blogger.com/_Q0GTBT8HzCc/SCmZa4i20NI/AAAAAAAABHM/m5coPxBm2Z0/s200/43.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199855931910181074" border="0" /></a> she comes from a European family. (Whatever that means!) No, what Mischa should have done is told the Enquirer that she's actually part black and the black community is a lot more accepting of having some booty. Then she could have pointed out that <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080506/sc_nm/fat_diabetes_dc;_ylt=Agb0fLTqMb6573IySMeXqLWs0NUE">studies are showing</a> having a big booty is nice and healthy and helps prevent diabetes. Granted, the study was only done on lab mice, and any health benefits of the big booty can and will be negated by the spare tire you're carrying around across your belly, but still! Mischa should've also asked the Enquirer why they don't take more pictures of men and their guts and man-boobs. Seen photos of Tobey Maguire when he's not shooting a Spiderman movie? Uh huh, I don't think so! Think about all the sitcom husbands with their toothpick-sized wives. It's like we're supposed to believe the wife isn't sitting around eating high fructose corn syrup laced food too. I'm supposed to think the wife only breathes in the aroma of the Doritos and doesn't ever eat one. Whatever. And next time you see Jack Black in a movie playing the fat goof ball, ask yourself, would Jack Black ever get a job in Hollywood if he was a woman? If you said yes, let me tell you, you're wrong because if ever there was a candidate for the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Jillian-Michaels-30-Day-Shred/dp/B00127RAJY">Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred DVD</a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Jillian-Michaels-30-Day-Shred/dp/B00127RAJY">,</a> it's Jack. (Did it for the 3rd time this morning. Yes We Can!) But women? Who do we have? Jennifer Hudson, Camryn Manheim or that one girl from High School Musical -- gosh, her name escapes me at the moment but it's not the one that's dating Zac Efron and had the naked pictures of herself floating around. No it's definitely not naked picture girl because nobody wants a naked picture of a "big girl" unless they are, ahem, into that sort of thing. I know, it's not going to change anytime soon because a million people will pay money for that copy of the Enquirer and all the other magazines that try to sell how amazing your life will be if you don't have cellulite and you get a whole lot skinnier. Look to Mariah Carey if you need proof that the skinny does not equal an amazing life. The magazines showed us photos of Mariah Carey's transformation from a size 8 (me) to a size 2 (what I'm apparently supposed to want to be). Well, Mariah got skinny and went and married Nick Cannon so clearly, being thinner does not equal having a lick of sense! Anyway, I hope you and your big, cellulite covered booty have a great day. Just no "switching" when you walk, mmkay?Los Angelistahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17794296990587989214noreply@blogger.com