living my life like it's golden

dark side of the moon

2009-07-05T08:14:00.002-05:00

Today is my last day with Internet at the apartment. This week will be all about packing and getting up on out of here. I should be back up and running in about 2 weeks. I don't think that it has really hit me that we are leaving....

Happy 4th !

2009-07-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

Aging well starts in womb, as mom's choices affect whole life

2009-07-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

No pressure or anything....

And thanks to those biological signals, the choices that Williams makes today — by getting good prenatal care, eating nutrient-packed vegetables and avoiding alcohol, tobacco and caffeine — may help her baby long after birth, Hanson says. Research into the "developmental origins of adult disease" suggests that Williams' healthy living may help her child avoid problems such as cancer, heart disease, depression and diabetes not just in childhood, but 50 years from now.

R

2009-07-01T08:30:00.002-05:00

I went and saw "The Taking of Phelm 1 2 3" today. It was a great movie. Well, compared to the other crap out there it was a great movie. I would recommend it. It was rated R and I went to the 6:45 showing.

Everything was going along just swimmingly until about 1 minute before the movie started. That is when the family showed up. With their children... young children. The little girl looked about 8 or 9 and the little boy was about 4 or 5.

I was dumbstruck. I have been to a bunch of PG-13 movies where people bring their 10 year old's. But I have never seen anyone walk a preschooler into an R movie. I felt so sad as I watched the movie.... knowing that this little precious boy was watching all the violence on the screen. It almost seemed like a form of child abuse.

I think since we have already have a whole pile of laws that tell me what I can and can't do as a parent (in the name of protecting my kid) I think we should pass one more. If you are under the age of 16 you are not allowed into an R rated movie PERIOD!!! A child should not be subjected to such images just because their parents don't give a shit. And if the movie ends up being so super-ly awesome and amazing that for some odd reason or another the child MUST see the movie... the parent still has the option of renting it and bringing it home with them.

Enough is enough. Since the government already has its hand in my cradle - why not just one more finger?

Mary Poppins

2009-06-30T15:06:00.003-05:00

Braden and I watch Mary Poppins today. I had literally not seen that movie since I was a child. It is such an interesting experience when that happens. Your memory of the movie usually is quite different than what is really on the screen. The child's mind sees things differently.

It turns out that I remembered the movie quite well. I remembered the plot pretty well. I think as a kid most of the underlying themes went right over my head. The songs were pretty well filled with big, English and quite old fashion words. I couldn't remember if I had understood the lyrics as a kid and I was not sure that Braden understood any of it either.

At the beginning of the movie Mrs. Banks has just come home from a suffragette meeting/rally.... and she sings these words about the cause

"Our daughters daughters will adore us. And they'll sing in grateful chorus. Well done, sister suffragette"

Those words stuck with me. I kept wondering... are we grateful? Do we really understand what they sacrificed.... can we even imagine the world that they lived in?

Although Mrs. Banks is a fictional character... I felt bad while I watched her. Realizing that the situation between generations is a bit like the relationship between parents and their children. It is impossible to fully appreciate the gifts from one to the other. All we can do is learn not to squander what we have been given.

In the end the movie proved a bit long for Braden, but he seemed to enjoy it nonetheless. And like always my favorite part was the penguins in the chalk drawing.... even after all these years.

remember remember remember

2009-06-28T21:16:00.002-05:00

From the Mother's Almanac:

...remember the more a person is told what to do, the more recalcitrant they grow. Dignity becomes so precious that your child will stall every request and say no to every order, even as they comply.

Ghost-B-Gone

2009-06-28T21:04:00.003-05:00

About a week ago as I was tucking Braden in for the night he told me that he wanted the light on because he was afraid of the monsters and the ghosts.

Number 1: he can't have ANY sort of light in his room or he just stays up playing... even if it is a tiny night light. There were many a night I found him asleep, surrounded by toys curled up on the floor by the wall socket.

Number 2: Although he has said this in the past to stall and find a way to keep me in his room, that particular night he seemed to be serious.

It was kinda late, and I was rather tired. But out of the corner of my cluttered mind a line from one of my favorite books The Mother's Almanac. This book was the subject of one of my very first posts back in January of 2007. And it has probably been that long since I have read it. But in that moment I remembered some of its advice. That it is impossible to rationally argue with children that ghosts and monsters under their bed don't exist. You have to find some way of making them go away. I think they suggested doing the "monster B gone dance" - clap three times and jump in a circle - something like that.

I knew Braden wasn't going to buy that. So I told him I would go get the Monster and Ghost repellent. I explained it worked like mosquito repellent (which he is schooled in). As I walked from his room to go retrieve the spray it dawned on me that I had to think of something pretty quick. I couldn't use any bottle he would recognize or then the jig would be up. No glass cleaner or bug spray or perfume or Fabreez...etc etc.

Halfway down the hall I remembered I had a medium sized glass bottle of fancy room and sheet spray my friend Melanie gave me years ago... I had been saving it for special occasions... well, three years later the bottle was still full...

It had a plain label with hardly any writing. It was under the bathroom sink.

It worked light a charm. I was/am the hero. Every night now after prayers and song I spray the Monster and Ghost repellent. Under, over and to the sides of the bed. Under the dresser and bookcase, one squirt behind the reading chair and FOUR in the closet... because that is their source.

The Caped Crusader, Hand brakes, and Dumpster Diving

2009-06-28T20:33:00.005-05:00

Today Braden turns 6. Technically we still have about 2 hours until that happens...

We celebrated earlier today.

Last night in the sweltering heat, waiting for the AC repair guy to show up we decorated. This was the first year that I got any mileage out of my gift bags. Since I made them last year for Braden's 5th birthday I have used them a handful of times for random occasions... my dad's birthday, Mason's birthday, Father's Day etc etc.

I also re-hung my Chinese lanterns that I use as balloons... 3rd birthday to do that...

But I did buy a Hot wheel paper table cloth at the party store... I couldn't really find my way out of that.

Braden woke up at the crack of dawn. I tried to get him to lay next to me quietly - to no avail....

Pancakes (with some bacon on the side) then the presents. Braden learned quickly that the ones wrapped in paper were from Grandma and Grandpa... and exceedingly better than the ones from mom.

Even though it was a Hotwheel birthday - it was a Batman birthday too! He loved the costume we got him and the deploy-able wings courtesy of G& G. He got a Batman action figure and the batmobile and all that junk. He got some books, a Guess Who game some Leapster video games.... and the bike.

We saved the bike until last. We waited well into the morning before we Skyped G&G for the big reveal. We made him close his eyes, we wheeled it in from the back porch... the whole bit. Without skipping a beat and with zero inflection or excitement in his voice he states "oh, it's a bike." It was downhill from there.

There were a few things that I had not taken into account beforehand. First being that the bike was bigger and HEAVIER than his last. Trying to push it while walking along side the thing proved to be frustrating. The bikes seat was a billion times longer than the last, so every time he tried to get off he would stumble on one leg and fall off. He kept trying to pedal while clutching the handbrake... and he did not put his whole weight on his feet to pedal... and so they kept slipping off.

After some tears and some fussing we called it a day and packed ourselves into the car to go pick up the cake.... which he had picked out earlier in the week.

I thought it looked hideous.... but he loved it.

For lunch we went to Red Robin... for burgers and fries... requested by B. The minute we sat down Braden announced to the waitress that it was his birthday. So at the end of the meal we got the clapping and the singing and a free sundae. To which Braden again announced that he had always seen the clapping and singing and never had it done to him.... he was beaming!

Back home. We light candles, we sing, everyone is too full to eat the cake. So, while Nana puts T down for a nap we head out the door to go see Night at the Museum. It was between that or UP... and I thought he would find the former funnier.... remembering how much he seemed to like the (few, brief moments) of the original.

I had low expectations for the movie but really ended up liking it. No peeing jokes was a step up. Braden seemed to tolerate it, but didn't seem to love it either. Mason's favorite part was the air conditioning.... so what does that tell you.

We picked up pizza on the way home. And tried practicing again with the new bike, with our sneakers... which seamed to help a bit. Back inside Braden takes to the floor to play with all his new toys.

"Hey mama? I think there are supposed to be things that shoot of of the gun." Braden says to me across the room. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice. Earlier when I had taken the toy out of its box I noticed two skinny little long red things. Thinking that they would just get lost in the first day or so, or the move I didn't even bother taking them out of the packaging. By the time Braden noticed they were missing Mason had already taken the trash to the dumpster.

So guess where I ended my day to day. YUP... precariously balancing in and on the huge dumpster down the way from the apartment. I am happy to report that the little red skinny plastic sticks were recovered and the birthday was saved!!!

Guess what Tristan Likes to Watch...

2009-06-28T20:31:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to write about it....

2009-06-26T14:07:00.003-05:00

But I guess I am now.

Last night as we watched the news about Michael Jackson, I was transfixed. It wasn't until this morning that I understood why.

I like Michael Jackson's music. A lot. The early stuff with his brothers, the stuff everyone loves from Off the Wall to Thriller. The stuff some people like - such as Bad and Dangerous (it ain't too much to Jam!) and I even liked a few of his songs from that last album... Invincible.

I love his message. We are the World - Make it a better place..... Man in the Mirror.... Black and White etc etc etc... you all know the drill.

But this morning (after downloading and burning a disc of a whole bunch of his music) I felt uncomfortable listening to it.

At first it was great... bobbing my head to Rockin' Robin.... and jammin' to Dancin' Machine... but then something started coming over me.

Sadness. Sadness for him, for his childhood of enduring his abusive father and an exploited music industry. Then I felt sad for the children he hurt.

He was a man that turned into a caricature of a character he played on the stage. And his delusion and sickness forced the spiral down further.

Just looking at his pictures.... to witness the self-mutilation from plastic surgery. To see him with "his" children looking panicked and neurotic.

Those images are burned into me. How can I enjoy the music when the man who created it is filled with sickness and sadness.

This afternoon I have been cleaning the house. I turned on MTV U (whatever that means) and for the past few hours they have been playing MJ music videos. All of them, uncut. Did you know the video for BAD was directed by Martin Scorsese?

I recognized all the songs. All of them. I watched the vintage news footage from the past 40 years. I have to add exploitation from the public to the list. I realize that it wasn't just 1 thing that turned MJ a bit nuts... it was a lot of things. Least of all the crazy nut job fans and (I am sure) the 'yes-men' he had surrounded himself with for years. Money does make the world go round.

So as I dust and vacuum I listen to the music, and the tributes and (yes) the bad acting before the videos get into full swing and I feel conflicted, And in the end I am not sure where I will fall on the LOVE/HATE MK debate. If I like him, than am I excusing his behavior, if I hate him then I am losing out on the music....

what NOT to do

2009-06-26T07:15:00.003-05:00

Don't watch hours of the news reports of Michael Jackson's death right before you go to bed. It is not really the most pleasant thing to occupy your dreams at night - all night long.

Expectations - by Melody Beattie

2009-06-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

Most of us have expectations. We entertain certain notions, on some level of consciousness about how we hope things will turn out or how we want people to behave. But it is better to relinquish expectations, so we can detach. It is better to refrain from forcing our expectations on others or refrain from trying to control the outcome of events since doing so causes problems and is usually impossible anyway. So where do we go with our expectations?

Some people strive to relinquish all expectations and live moment to moment. That is admirable. But I think the important idea here is to take responsibility for our expectations, Get them out into the light Examine them. Talk about them. If they involve other people talk to the people involved.Find out if they have similar expectations. See if they are realistic. For example. expecting healthily behaviour from unhealthy people is futile; expecting different results from the same behaviors is insane. Let go. See how things turn out. Let things happen - without forcing. If we are constantly disappointed, we may have a problem to solve - either with ourselves, another person or a situation.

Expectations are only expectations and they belong to us, and we are not always the boss. We can make sure our expectations are realistic and appropriate and not let them interfere with reality or let them spoil a good time.

question

2009-06-22T12:21:00.001-05:00

"I wonder what it feels like to be a baby..." Braden says then asks "What does it feel like to be a grown-up momma?"

"About the same.... just taller"I replied

back to where we began

2009-06-22T08:29:00.002-05:00

We lived in Little Rock for about 5 months in 2004. From about January thru May, then we moved here to Abilene.

It was one of the happier times in our little family. Braden was 6 months old. I was enjoying (finally) being a mom. He was a happy easy baby. Mason was in C-130 school - which meant he was able to come home a lot. We enjoyed exploring the town, going to church (for the first time in a long while) and dreaming/planning about what was to come at our new duty station Abilene.

Our time in Abilene is connected to that time in Little Rock. And it was that time in Little Rock that we decided to have another baby. We started trying the minute we arrived in Texas.

Little Rock represents the old us, the happy, immature, blissfully ignorant us. To me Little Rock is just another reminder of William

teaching and learning

2009-06-19T15:20:00.002-05:00

This is a children's book that tells the TRUE story of two boy partnered penguins who are given an abandoned egg (by the zoo keeper) and raise the chick as their own.

That in and of itself has made it a banned book in some places in this country including some school libraries here in Abilene.

But I searched it out last week after Braden (while watching a TV documentary with us) asked how someone could have two daddies (or two mommies).

This book also deals with adoption, a complicated subject for Braden to understand.

He knows that you need an egg from a mommy and a seed from a daddy to make a baby... but that was about it. This book was a great platform to jump from to talk about the fact that sometimes only mommies raise babies, sometimes just the daddies. We talked about how other couples want a baby but can't have one of their own, so they adopt a baby that another couple couldn't care for.

We talked about different kinds of couples. That some children have just one daddy or mommy, or two mommies or two daddies.... or (in my case) a mommy and a step mommy... etc etc - you get the drift.

Like the great blue nail polish debate of last summer I know that many people disagree with my approach on this subject. It is a fact that two boys or two girls can get married in this country. It is a fact that they can adopt. This will not change. Braden needs to understand that families come not only in different colors... but shapes (?) as well. I want him to be prepared to be able to meet and feel comfortable with all different kinds of people. I want him to be educated so that when he meets a friend at school who is of a different faith, race or background he doesn't feel frightened or make bigoted statements.

Life is hard and sad. In our culture where we try to shield our children from hurt. This book introduces the idea that not all things go as planned. Braden already knows this from the loss of his brother and knowing that my mother is no longer with us. In this book a family who can't have children gets a egg that would have been otherwise left abandoned to die. The couple gets an baby and that baby has a chance to live. A happy ending, and an uplifting message of unconditional love.

Final Countdown...

2009-06-19T15:14:00.003-05:00

It begins... and as so many countdowns do in our life, this will start off slow and the end will come way to quickly. I already started to get teary-eyed at West Texas Rehab talking with Michael (Tristan's OT)...

I have already started the phone calls... to the electric company, the gas company, the water company.

This is what Mason and I do best. Move... Seriously we have become pretty good at it. Tonight we will sit down and write out a time line (working backwards) while fitting everything in:
Braden's birthday
Friends visits
Nana visits
Two weeks of swim lessons
Toddler time at the library
T's OT and speech therapy
mine last therapy appointment
Playdates with friends
Movies with friends
Setting a move date with the military
EFMP Board
Hair appointments
Dental appointments
Fourth of July
Renting a small Uhaul
Packing the Uhaul
Finding boxes (not in that order of course)
Final appointment in Dallas
Picking up Aunt Karen in Dallas...

This list goes on!

words and phrases

2009-06-16T17:47:00.004-05:00

Our RIP is in the system and our orders are waiting to be cut. They are on hold. And the only person who can release them is a Doctor on base. He has to review Tristan's case and make sure that Little Rock has the medical facilities to handle Tristan's issues.

We have an appointment with him on the 25th. Which is WAY too late for us.

Long story short- I was knocking on some doors and making phone calls today to get us to be seen THIS Thursday.

So here I am talking to the doctors secretary. Sargent Something or other... She was quite nice and very helpful. Listening to my story.

She indicated that she would be happy to help us, and she gestured to Braden (thinking he was the child I was talking about.) I thanked her and informed her that it was not Braden but my other son.
Without skipping a beat she replied "I was wondering, because he looks so normal. May I ask what your other son suffers from?"

Sigh....

I got through the conversation, highlighting what NF1 is famous for and answering her other questions. She had a lot of questions and I obliged her because I felt like she was doing me a favor and I had to make nice. Inside I was fighting back the tears. I was so angry.... NORMAL? Really? I know she didn't understand why her comment was tacky and hurtful... but it was.

very soon.....

2009-06-16T13:00:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow will be the 60 day mark of our report no later than in Little Rock. Just today we received word that the RIP is in the system... the official word and system.... we are going to Little Rock and Mason starts work in August.

What we don't have is the actual orders and move date. We are waiting on Tristan being cleared through the Exceptional Family Member Program.... once that is done.... we should have orders in hand and a move date.

Normally I am not a stressor. I get angry, yes, sad, yes and very very excited... but I don't stress.... THIS has stressed me out to the max.... Everything I did to prepare us for this was on a hunch and some faith. Selling the house, enrolling Braden in school, finding a rental house.... all of that was done with NO official word of anything.... But it had to be done, and hopefully it paid off.

Until I have a move date in hand.... heck until I have all my furniture in the new house .... I will still be cautiously optimistic.... but cautious... very very cautious...

mom's just get it

2009-06-16T12:53:00.005-05:00

By late Thursday afternoon I was still upset, but brave enough to call Ashley and see how things were going with Chloe. Ashely was very understanding and patient with me. Giving me all the details of what Chloe had been up to from the time I left to the present moment. She told me that Chloe was doing great. She was not running in circles crying (like me). She was content to be where ever the boys were. And she settled down nicely at their feet while they played video games. At one point the baby (2 year old little girl) came and laid right down on top of her.... Chloe was in heaven.
Ashely said that her first night went great. Chloe slept with Ashley and Stephen for a bit and then moved on into the boys room. No fuss....

That one phone call made me feel MUCH better. It put my mind at ease knowing that she was not stressed out, or missing us at all. That she was getting a lot of love and attention. That was very nice to hear.

Go now...

2009-06-11T12:19:00.004-05:00

Last night was almost unbearable. I cried on and off until I finally collapsed into bed around midnight. It just felt wrong, having Bitty Chlo gone. A piece of our family was missing. It felt unnatural... like I had betrayed her. I feel like we rejected her, cast her out... all of us here without her. I ate way too much, trying to compensate for the emotional exhaustion.

Braden said that he wasn't excited about Little Rock anymore because we had to give up Chloe to go. So that adds another layer of guilt on me. That he will be traumatized from this. I can just see him on the therapist couch 20 years from now talking about how this was a pivotal moment of betrayal in his life.

This morning wasn't much better. I got a call around 8 from a friend who just got my email... saying that she might want Chloe. That started the tears all over again. I held off the urge to call Ashley (Chloe's new mommy) and ask how she was doing. Each hour I tell myself I will wait another hour...

This morning Tristan asked "Chloe Chloe? Where Chloe?"

I still feel like she is mine.

This whole wave of sadness caught me off guard. I thought I would be relieved and happy. Not wrecked with grief. I did nothing to prepare for the emotions of it all.

Pretty Chloe

2009-06-10T20:07:00.002-05:00

Here she is sniffing the Snyder wind while sitting on her new front porch. We spent 2 hours with the new family. Settling her in, talking about her routine, how to brush her and clip her nails. I wrote out all the commands that she knows, and the words that I use with her.
I didn't get sad until it was time to go. I found myself trying to find things to keep me there. I started to cry when I walked to the car and she stayed on the porch. I tried to drive, but had to pull over and cry and talk to Mason. I asked Braden if he was sad, he said yes and that you don't have to cry every time your sad..... He asked me why we didn't get rid of Calhoun instead. He talked about the kids Xbox that he got to play (grand theft auto thank you very much) he talked about the Cheetos too. As we left he said to the other boys "Have fun with your Chlo-belle" I am sure that they will....

The house is quiet.....Calhoun doesn't even seem to notice or care that we didn't come back with her.

a few short moments left

2009-06-10T12:51:00.002-05:00

In about 40 minutes the baby sitter will be here for Tristan. Braden and I will pile in the car with Chloe... to drive the one and a half hours (ish) it takes to get to Snyder.

I was in Petsmart earlier today - buying a new leash and a water bowl, a brush some nail clippers etc etc.

The family I found, well - found me on Craigslist. They have 2 boys 7 and 9 (ish) and a little girl who is almost 2. They had just lost their wiener dog (Gunner I think his name was) and they were interested in Chloe as more of a 'interactive family dog'.

So I will stay for a bit - teach them how to clip her paws and use her brush... I bought some pupper chow too.

Last night Mason and I lay in bed with Chloe - talking to her and sharing stories about her.

I pulled some pictures from the album of her as a puppy for the new family - I will bring the camera to take a shot of all of them with her.....

Braden has been quiet today.

Sleep advice

2009-06-09T15:45:00.002-05:00

http://www.babycenter.com/0_big-story-the-best-sleep-advice-youve-never-heard_1445907.bc?showAll=true

I have been arguing this for YEARS!!!!

Myth #5: Children who don't nap during the day sleep longer at night. Not so, says West. Skipping daytime naps only leads to sleep sabotage. Kids who are overtired will often miss their sleep window at night, she explains. Miss the window and the body secretes cortisol, a form of adrenaline. As a result, kids will sleep more fitfully and wake up earlier (not later) the next morning.

I was pretty sure that the email was going to contain the same old same junk about sleeping... I was happy to see that was not the case. Most of these I know - mainly from trial and error.... But to me they all ring true.

Looking Forward

2009-06-09T15:37:00.003-05:00

the new digs! we are super excited !!!

going back home

2009-06-09T15:31:00.002-05:00

During my running around today I drove by the old house. The neighborhood looked lush and green from all the rain the past few weeks. Some houses had new 'for sale' signs in the yards - even more houses had large planters full of flowers on their front steps.

No one was home when I rang the bell. Ringing my own bell. I peeked through the glass in the door. No rug in the entrance way - less pictures on the wall. Tristan's room had different curtains that I could see from the outside. The mat said welcome....

I opened the back gate, mainly to check on William's tree. It was full of leaves and all the flowers in his planter were in full bloom.

This was my first trip back since we moved almost 2 months ago... it felt like a lot longer though.

Tristan recognized it.. he kept screaming and pointing 'House! House! House!"

It was good to see her... but I doubt that I will be back.