A.Blogget

Nice to have met you

2008-06-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today I finished a one year introduction course in Anthroposophy up in the north. It was a class I coincidentally got drawn to, by cosmic experiences prior to registering. From the time I complimented my psychologist’s wall painting, to the conversation I had with the architect that sat beside me on the plane back from the trip I took after Ima died. I knew it was going to be a spiritual journey, but I never imagined it would be so cosmically weaved together with my life’s timeline.

I mean, wow! events could have worked out differently. I was supposed to enroll near my home in Tel-Aviv, but coincidental situations lead me to the small class of older more experienced woman, mothers, grandmothers, about 120km away from my usual Friday routine in the city.

I am grateful for the unfolding of random events to have brought me to this moment. I understand too that my soul’s burning emptiness after my mother’s death, actually sent a signal out to my external existence, appealing to the compassionate heart of the universe, to bring me that much closer to the spiritual manifestation I wished would present itself, closer to the soul connections I yearned for and to the parental love I needed at that time.

So just wanted to say thanks, I’m glad to have met you this time around.

Wonder

2008-05-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

I wonder where I am headed;
I wonder who I will become;
I wonder why all this struggle;

To overcome.

I wonder what is next;
I wonder how time will be spent;
I wonder who I would be;

If I chose this life for me.

I wonder when it will happen;
I wonder what else to do;
I wonder how to embrace;

Experiences until you...

weekend pleasures

2008-05-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

Family, Friends, Biking, Surfing, Swimming, Reading, Blogging...

Growing Pains

2008-05-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while. I know. I guess I disappeared because I didn’t have the words to express how unbalanced I felt these past weeks. I started a new job, and so I got caught up in all the stress from typical new beginnings. Feeling insecure, wanting to fit in, and demanding to prove- mostly to myself -that I am worth it! I didn’t have the time or the energy in me, though emotionally I felt I really needed to unwind. Thinking it through or writing it out on paper would’ve helped me move on faster, cross this road, overcome the fear, and release the hurting misconception I have of myself once and for all!

We tend to categorize ourselves, as self-doubts and thoughts define us. And, the mind always finds justifications to every conclusion it comes up with, no matter true of false. Then sometimes a preconception is a misconception to begin with. So relax. Let loose. You are just fine. It is only you, who is so hard on you.

I will assimilate this lesson learned. And even if I fall or fail, I know I will still be courageously growing. Thank God.

Excited

2008-04-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry

2008-04-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

from personal diary - 10/11/06

I had this incident this weekend with someone I know, a friend, supposedly felt disappointed from something I did or didn’t do. She reacted in a bitter way and threw at me her critical judgmental attitude. It got to me, I have to admit. She threw it and I caught it.

For one, how can she want me down, because she completely succeeded? Secondly, how can she not know me by now? I never intend anything, I am misinterpreted, misunderstood.

Sometimes I feel that I have an affect on people, it may sound a bit self-centered, but it does have a bit of truth in it for everyone, it is our sense of self- awareness, I think. And those who are not fulfilled with their own energy and state of being, are easily swayed, for the better and for the worse. We humans range from those who submit their energy too often and are influenced by many different people, to those who are fully grounded, are filled with their own energy and who are rarely affected by energy pulls by other people, but most of us are in between.
Anyway, I believe I am a loving human being, wanting to give only good to people without hurtful intentions or a preplanned purpose to distress anyone. I try to flow with my life, and I make mistakes and I may hurt some people along the way, or disappoint them, dismiss them or disappear on them, but is it never intended, just an expression to my own life. But I still apologize for acting so. Actions are what have meaning. I am sincerely and lovingly sorry.

And so, there are those who may take me the wrong way, or judge my every word or may feel resentment toward me. And I am sorry for all that. But I wish and hope that there are those that take me for who I am, who love me unconditionally and know for certain that I mean no harm, I want only good in my life and to all those who surround me, no conflict, just joy.

I know at times I may be too blunt , honest and harsh and sometimes I need to escape into myself, but know that that it is ok too. I hear you. I understand you, do you understand me?

Tired, tired of ping-pong swaying energy, control dramas that I guess I get caught up in. I cannot let it have such an affect on me.

Like I said, she threw it, I caught it.

Tired. Good night.

Happy 31st Birthday!

2008-04-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

from personal diary - 21.3.07

Well, like every other woman turning 30, I have been thinking about the idea since I let it enter my mind. The fears begin to lurk, pop-up to say hi once in a while behind your shoulder. Yes, so I have fears. But then again, I know fears just disable you, shut out the air and deny you wings. I know I will flourish, continue on. And along the way I will create a beautiful life. No fears. I think, I say, I do. I will create the life I see for myself.

Thank you God.

One Giant Leap - My Culture

2008-04-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

"I'm the sum total of my ancestors I carry their DNA We are representatives of a long line of people And we carried them around everywhere This long line of people That goes back to the beginning of time And when we meet, they meet, other lines of people And we say bring together the lines of me.

When I look back over the years at the things that brought tears to my eyes papa said we have to be wise to live long lives now I recognise what my father said before he dies vocalise things I've left unsaid left my spirit unfed for too long I'm coming home to my family Where I can be strong Be who I planned to be Within me, my ancestry Givin' me continuity

(in full version) Would it be remiss to continue in this way would you rather I quit come with the other shit making people's hips sway lip service I pay but I'm nervous I pray for all the mothers who get no sleep like a lifeline I light lines cause my compassion is deep for the people who fashioned me, my soul to keep and this is who I happen to be and if I don't see that I'm strong then I won't be

This is what my Daddy told me I wished he would hold me A little more, than he did But he taught me, my culture And how to live positive I never wanna shame The blood in my veins and bring pain to my sweet grandfathers face, in his resting place I make haste to learn and not waste everything my forefathers earned in tears for my culture..."

1+1 = 2

2008-04-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am the sum total of my emotions, thoughts, actions

My reality is my creation

I’m just thankful to be able to add :)

Inspirational Art

2008-03-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

Faithless ft. Dido - One Step Too Far

2008-03-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

My Life Force

2008-03-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

I find I am loving again
For the life I came here to live
For the strength I have within

I find I am thankful too
For the inner awakening
For the progress of evolution

I find I am grateful always
For the guidance beyond time
For the moments revealed

Searching

2008-03-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

Since Ima left, I have to admit, I got a little lost. I needed to clear up priorities, search deeper into the human existence and try to understand why we are all here struggling on to live. It took me to several interests, directions and contemplations, maybe getting a bit confused along the way. The direction of spiritually evolving through experiences in this grounded existence has become ever more clear to me, as I was always aware of esoteric coincidences meaning something beyond the visible matter we are lead to believe in solely. However material securities can easily obscure our vision, because it is only human to try to maintain a decent life, and sustain all that you have worked for and so far achieved.

So why do I want to runaway from it so? Why do I not enjoy this race? On the one hand I know I need it to keep on moving, realistically advance, it would be foolish to throw away or regress after all that you have accomplished for yourself. But on the other hand, I am starting to see through this material monetary driven world, so the emptiness is apparent and just feels so false, I sometimes literally coil up inside from the ironic conflict.

While this perception is defining my state of being, I must also see that only by putting all my best into playing this round will I get to stay in the game; I mean I must try to balance the two sides, use it, learn from it and then give back from it. Why does it have to be this or that, why not respect the strength gained from both worlds now, to achieve both financial stability and mindful peace, so that eventually, hopefully and honestly, I will have the means and resources to fully and lovingly, give more.

I must continue to advance on both fronts, only to completely get to one side.

Abundance of any kind brings availability for all sorts.

Be you.

2008-02-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

There are times when we are so misunderstood,
It happens when we mostly want to be good.

We tend to express extremely,
Unintentionally too boldly.

In mists of other self worthy beings,
Gained awareness influences rightful dealings.

Chemical energy is not a delusion,
As we lean towards insecure profusion.

Uncomfortable manner exposed,
Personally mistaken to be closed.

While personalities react individually,
Still are inclined to translate egotistically.

Seems unfair,
At base we are all naturally rare.

If we only knew ,
To stay true to you.

a life missing

2008-02-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

The disaster has seemingly passed
Living may appear lighter

Still.

Beneath the surface

Eyes are all puffy
Nose is completely stuffed

Thinking of you is a relentless addiction
Talking to you is an insane salvation

I will remember
I will never forget

You.

Beneath the surface

Patience.

2008-01-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

Why define, when

confidence comes from within.
(Is it because you lack?)

Why declare, when,

you already know.
(Is it because you compare?)

Why express, when?

creativity is an inherent gift.
(Is it because you desire?)

Why
(do you) Lack
(do you) Compare
(do you) Desire
?

Why
Define (your

Self)
Declare (your Self)
Express (your Self)
?

Because I am confident from within.
Because I already know.
Because creativity is my inherent gift.

Misleading Tel-Aviv Winter

2008-01-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

Hibernating.
Feeling attached,
To the couch :( To the house.

Shivering.
Feeling cold,
To the outdoors :? To the indoors.

Digesting.
Feeling resourceful,
To the body :0 To the mind.

Reflecting.
Feeling close,
To the search :@ To the study.

Accepting.
Feeling true,
To the time :) To the change.

Strength

2008-01-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

Learning the comfort of others
Learning the security they offer
Learning the gift that is of gain

From unexpected encounters
From people I never thought could
From family & friends who
really matter

Try listening to experiences
Try reading in between the lines
Try seeing through the image

Enjoy your Self
Enjoy the love others give
Enjoy unraveling the riddle

For a brighter year

2007-12-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

No more counting back to the date.
I miss you desperately.
But to claim it here each month, fosters more of the same.
So the shift of focus must start with this.
Encourage new energy vibrations,
With life uplifting affirmations.

Ima forgive me.
Ima love me.
Ima free me.

______________________________________________________________Diary____

Enough…I’m really getting sick of myself lately…crying, wining, depressing… Where is that confident optimistic strong woman I know exists? Where are you hiding? I remember that at the most difficult time in my life, when my mother was ill, I was more active, energetic and strong than I am now, during a seemingly simpler easier quieter time, in comparison to the former? It is as if I used up all my powers and now the battery is just empty, or has gone dead in the middle of…

People tell me I’m still in mourning, and it’s only natural -these outbursts of tears and sadness. But I am angry with myself for acting so. I am to be grateful for the beautiful life I live, and take it forward. Not fall back into a stagnant indifferent state of being…

This is not me. I must stop it here.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Jump up and high…You have the powers in you. Tune into them again. You don’t have to go through a disaster to remember how to use them. Be grateful and thankful for today, and trust that you are on the right track.

Stay positive. Clearly visualize your happiness, change and progress.
Think it, feel it, and believe it to happen. And it will.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock,
and it shall be opened unto you”-- Matthew 7:7-8

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

2007-12-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman

2007-12-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

a higher effect

2007-12-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

"...an event is painful perhaps now because it appears to us merely as the result of what has happened previously, but it can also be looked upon as the starting point of what is to follow".

-Manifestations of Karma, Rudolf Steiner 1969

Erykah Badu Live - Call Tyrone

2007-12-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

The amazing Erykah Badu is coming to Israel February 2nd!!! aaaaahhhhh Can't wait! :)

Distant friends

2007-12-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

Though we may maintain separate roads,
I believe our time knowing was meant to be.

As we connected once at a mutual juncture,
the honest memory will continue in me.

Albeit the apparent departure,
My care for you is still present, see…

Trust again.

2007-12-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

I admit I’ve lost my balance. At least I know I once had it. And now the challenge is to return to it. Well, for the sake of finding my balance again, I want to go back to some conclusions I came to on my trip: when distant, insights about life appear crystal clear …so I guess we just need to learn to believe them near.

One of the major understandings I’ve experienced on my journey was Trust. Not only did I gain trust in people, strangers, women, men, again, I also came to trust in life itself. The feeling that in life everything eventually comes together, like pieces of a puzzle perfectly fitting together not knowing initially how the whole picture will turn out. It entered my being so peacefully; I let life surprise me, trusting it to give me what I need.

That is what’s missing in my life now, the trust in life. I think that on my return, as I fall back to the same life I had before, it just seems so pointless. The new reality without my mother here in this lifetime anymore, deepens my unsatisfied awareness. And the fact that this experience happened to me without mindfully choosing it, alters my confidence in life.

I must remember what I discovered there so far away. Remember all that you read and all that you experienced…it is not by coincidence. Trust life to happen as it should, even when our control is withdrawn from us. It is not easy, I know. But there is an end, a purpose, a continuation. It is divinely planned so. If we only saw the whole picture! But then we would never be surprised? No real experiences, no real joy or no real achievements! What would you prefer?

I prefer believing even without sensibly knowing…

If so, then also trust yourself enough to know you will deal with all the unforeseen times life purposely puts you through, know that you are conscious enough to experience, learn, and evolve, in this unknown divine design of your life.

Remember…trust life to maintain the complete puzzle.
And thank God!