A Girl Named Boo

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

2009-06-26T09:39:00.003-04:00

Sometimes my subconscious is like, soooo totally obvious. I mean, I really like those dreams I have where I wake up and say to myself, I say, "Self? What the eff was that?? What does that mean?? Am I secretly a man trapped in a woman's body??" And that bitchy self never answers.

But last night, my dreams were pretty see-through. One was about my soon to be separated from husband coming my (our old) room and saying, "Let's have sex one last time." Well, yeah, ok. Pretty clear. I'm terrified of being alone, not being sexually attractive, not having a partner I trust--all these things that have been building up in me with my so to be ex over a period of years. Great, subconscious. I get it. (Luckily in the dream, we almost did, and I then I came to my senses and refused because I knew it would set me back from all the progress I've made over the last week. Man, I am even rational in my DREAMS! Why couldn't I just have had the dream sex?)

The next dream was a group of people sleeping over at this really gorgeous man's killer house. We are all lounging around, someone was playing with my hair. Everyone was beautiful and sexy and sexual, even though there was no hanky panky. Ok, subconscious, again, I think I get it. This is my ideal. Awesome people attracted to me. Many awesome people. Sweet. (God, why couldn't I have had dream sex in THAT dream??? Sometimes my subconscious can be such a prude. Jeez.)

The next dream was about my extended family, and telling my grandparents--the ones that have been pushing me and soon to be ex to make a baby being--that we are getting divorced. Painful. And this dream was full of strangness. For starters, my grandfather was this king of carnival-type that was guessing people's weight, and he put me about 20 pounds over what I am. Harsh. And then my uncle was telling me he was getting divorced from my aunt, who happened to be his sister. I mean, we are Southern, but we ain't trash, ya know? And then my uncle started to sign his divorce papers and turned into my dad. Whoa. Subconscious, I get where you are going with this, but did you have to jumble it up so much? My father figures have disappeared from my life and now the only ones left are either hurting me or unstable.

Good grief. No, that should BAD grief. Bad grief! Bad! Go to your room!

This Raspberry's for YOU!

2009-06-24T14:49:00.002-04:00

This was my (admittedly crap) horoscope today:

"You can't make people do your bidding at the wave of a magic wand, no matter how much you might want to. They are still going to behave badly, act rudely, be tense or excitable. Just because they love you doesn't mean they are automatically always good to you."

Ha. Stupid horoscope. I already knew that one!! So HAAAAAAAAAA on you.

*tthhhbbptttt*

Already Dead

2009-06-22T14:24:00.003-04:00

I am barely holding it together at work today.

I was feeling better last Thursday--not great by any means, but I could actually say the words to my friends "my husband and I are separating" without breaking down. Then I had a slammed weekend full of distraction.

Now I'm back to a somewhat normal reality and I feel like the sky is crashing down on me. I'm being dragged to the center of the earth with a gravity so strong I can't even pretend to be alright. Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I pretty much lose it. I am a fucking mess.

God, I hope it fucking gets better than this. I have pretty much had it with heartache and pain. I'm fucking sick of this. Sick of feeling so fucking lost and choked. I have a rotation of cold face packs to keep me from looking like a bloated corpse when I walk into work.

It has to get better. Right???

Love and Marriage

2009-06-19T11:05:00.003-04:00

My new favorite word is "amicable".

Maybe we have always been better friends than lovers; maybe we misconstrued a love of friendship and tried to force and one of a intimate more intimate nature. Whatever the case, I know we were in the other's life for a reason, and that we still care greatly for one another. The only thing important to both of us as we go through a separation is maintaining that friendship. He is my best friend—I don't want to lose that along with a husband.

If this had to happen, then this is the way I would want it: with love, compassion, and flexibility from both of us. I can't say that I'm not desperately sad, but I can say I haven't cried nearly as much in the last two days.

I can get through this. Small steps.

This is the End, My Friend

2009-06-17T10:35:00.003-04:00

Well, now that it is actually upon me, I can't believe I never saw it.

I always thought that the problems between me and my husband weren't because of a lack of love. Now I see that that was the only problem.

I am terribly, terribly sad.

All Apologies

2009-06-12T11:54:00.004-04:00

Ahem:

If you are going to make an apology, it should probably be one--if not ALL--of the following three things in order to be worthy of consideration.

1. Gentle.

2. Spoken in a normal tone of voice.

3. Sincere.

*Glares at husband*

Jose Can't-seco

2009-05-26T15:16:00.006-04:00

Is there any doubt that this would be the result of Jose Canseco's odd career change to MMA fighting? Granted, a 7 foot 2 inch Korean opponent could intimidate anyone, but seriously...did he think he could win, even if he wasn't fighting a giant??

I mean, he couldn't even win a celebrity boxing match. Against Danny "Tiny T-Rex Arms" Bonaduce.

*At least he and Danny had a chance to trade recipes for counteracting the ball-shrinking effects of being douchebags. So there's your silver lining.

Heart Space

2009-05-13T23:41:00.006-04:00

I. Feel. GOOD.

Cross my heart, this is neither drug or alcohol-induced. Pinky swear.

Yesterday was a huge turning point for me, and I'm riding high on that crest of energy. Tonight, I had the most lovely dinner with one of the most lovely women I know. We drank wine, ate mussels and pomme frites, and discussed all the beauties and terrors of life. It was wonderful to connect and ground myself in the presence of such a special person. I'm lucky in the way I've surrounded myself with wonderfully intelligent, kind, and loving people. I don't always deserve these beautiful people, but today I am the person that deserves them. I am feeling close to my true self again, after a very long time.

Now I'm home, enjoying a beautifully clean house, and anticipating a visit from my baby sister tomorrow, whom I haven't seen since Thanksgiving. My relationship with my husband is so much better, my brother and I are like best friends, and I'm starting to clearly see why those people are so important to me. It has a lot more to do with their acceptance of me and less of my obsessive effort to love them. What a life lesson that has been: I can't make people love me. If they love me, they love me whether I want them to or not.

So many things in my life are starting to come full circle, and now I finally have the mental flexibility and the heart space to accommodate all the things I want to let in.

I Yam What I Yam

2009-05-12T17:03:00.004-04:00

"I have taken some deeply personal risks recently and said exactly what I mean to the people closest to me…even if it meant I could lose them."

-Ms. Mix and Bitch

I just read this on one of my favorite blogs, Mix Tape Therapy. And it really hit home for me.

For the most part, I am a direct person. Brutally direct. Direct to a fault. And it has definitely cost me friendships and relationships. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching recently, for many reasons, but I've been dwelling on this aspect in particular because it has come around again in my life.

I began to question whether it is worth it. Is it worth it to tell someone how I feel, knowing that the cost might be no longer having that person in my life? Is it worth it to put myself out there, even if it is just relating a feeling? Is it worth it to say something to someone, knowing full well that they might not be able to handle my truth? Sure, I get it off my chest. But at the end of the day, does it really matter? It is easy to say "Yes. Be true to yourself." But it is not so easy in practice, especially when someone straight up walks away. There have been times that I have been honest and lost a friend, and eventually that friend came back. But there have also been times when that friend left and never looked back. I usually console myself with thoughts of "meant to be" and shit like that. Then I question whether all this heartache is worth it. Is it worth it? Can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Can't I bear this on my own?

The flip side is, do I not say what is in my heart? When I am hurt, or scared, or insecure in some way, is it better to let it be? Is it better to hide that feeling and keep my friends close?

I have recently had to face some pretty hard truths about myself, and it has not been easy. My usual support network is kinda M.I.A., and so I've been relying on writing and drinking to ease this. But no matter how much I write or drink to forget, these self-truths remain. No matter how much I push them away, they remain. I spoke to a friend from my heart, and things didn't go well. At all. So I became even more introverted and scared, and angry at myself for speaking up. It was not something I could talk to my husband about, either. I was so scared of his reaction, especially after things went bad with my friend, and he and I were already having some pretty serious problems.

But I took a chance. I took a chance on him.

At first, it seemed that things would end. It seemed that this was going to be the straw that broke us. But it wasn't, and now that I have given him some time to process, I'm realizing what a truly outstanding man he is, and how lucky I am to already be married to him. He embraced me. He embraced me for the complicated, passionate, brazen, outspoken person that I am. He embraced me for my flaws and my talents. He shocked me with his ability to love and accept. Trust me when I say that what I told him was NOT easy for either of us. Yet, here I am, and here he is, and we are as strong as we have ever been, even with this unveiled secret between us.

People are strong enough. The people that love you for you are strong enough.

There are still people in my life, like my mom, that I cannot say certain things to; I accept that. They have become second tier in my sphere of relationships. I know what I can and can't expect, and that is an important line to draw. The hard part is discovering that line in the first place without losing someone.

I know now that I will always be direct. It is who I am, and for the most part, that is a big reason why my friends love me. I also know that it will cost me relationships for the rest of my life. I am beginning to accept that. It challenges my biggest fear: my fear of rejection. But having struggled with things far more painful, I also know that this fear does not control me. That ugly voice in my head that shouts at me holds no sway over my actions. I can challenge my own worst fears. It doesn't mean that I overcome the fear; it is still there and it is just as strong every time. But I challenge it anyway. Just as I challenge the people in my life. I want to be the water that polishes everyone in my life to be their best. I want to be my own water.

Ear Candy: Groove Armada

2009-05-05T14:42:00.004-04:00

Being blue can really bring you down. But blue can be beautiful, too. It is all in how you look at it.

Live out loud, people. All my love.

Groove Armada's "Inside My Mind" (Blues Skies)

Ear Candy: Get Out, Get Out of My Life

2009-04-15T11:49:00.002-04:00

Thanks Jules. This fits my mood exactly today. And I don't know whether you like the Supremes version better or not, but I need a bit of 80s attitude with my music today.

Kim Wilde, You Keep Me Hanging On

A Hiatus From Depression...

2009-04-07T16:03:00.002-04:00

TARHEELS!!! NCAA Champs!!! #5!!!

Ok, back to being Eeyore.

Tailspin

2009-04-01T15:27:00.003-04:00

At what point do you realize that you are crashing? Sometimes it is easy to pinpoint the moment: the engine dies, the lightening strikes--a quick and decisive event.

But what if you have been flying, not realizing that the ground is getting closer and closer? What if it takes years to fully understand that you aren't really flying anymore? A controlled crash?

Tomorrow will mark three years. Three years since the one stable person in my life left.

It was the engine blowing. I heard the explosion. I felt it blast me from the sky. But at a certain point, after I had taken care of everyone else, after I had begun to have a life again, I thought I was in the air. I thought that I was taking care of business. I thought that I had things under control.

I'm just beginning to realize how out of control I have been. I righted the plane after the engine died, but didn't realize I was losing altitude.

So now, here I am, seconds from impact, and I don't think I have the strength to pull back up. Too much has happened. Too much still weighs on my heart. And new things keep piling on top.

Chez is right. Love is not enough.

I don't know what is happening to me, and I don't know how it is going to end. I just wish I could find some solace.

A Song of Despair

2009-03-26T10:23:00.007-04:00

For an amazing, inspirational woman. A loving, beautiful wife. A kind, adoring mother. A woman I never met face to face, yet grew to know as we supported one another in our trudge through life struggles. Her struggle has ended, and thus begins those who knew and love her. My heart reaches out to her family.

Rest peacefully.

Amanda "AlabamaPink" Amos
1975 - 2009

A Song of Despair

The memory of you emerges from the night around me.
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.

Deserted like the dwarves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!

Cold flower heads are raining over my heart.
Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.

In you the wars and the flights accumulated.
From you the wings of the song birds rose.

You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!

It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.

Pilot's dread, fury of blind driver,
turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!

In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.
Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,
sadness stunned you, in you everything sank!

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.

Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost,
I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.

Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness.
and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.

There was the black solitude of the islands,
and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.

There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.

Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain me
in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!

How terrible and brief my desire was to you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.

Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,
still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.

Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.

Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.

And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.
And the word scarcely begun on the lips.

This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!

Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,
what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!

From billow to billow you still called and sang.
Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.

You still flowered in songs, you still brike the currents.
Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.

Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,
lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour
which the night fastens to all the timetables.

The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.
Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.

Deserted like the wharves at dawn.
Only tremulous shadow twists in my hands.

Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!

-Pablo Neruda

Tourney WHO? ACC What?

2009-03-12T10:48:00.005-04:00

Guess who's going to the ACC Tourney in Atlanta this weekend?????
Guess who's team* is gonna win it???
Guess who might not make it back in time for work on Monday???

HEEEE!!!

*Go HEELS!

Time to Take a Breath

2009-03-03T12:19:00.005-05:00

Hiya folks. It's been a while, I know. I have been pretty blue for the last six months, if I'm being honest. Well, if I'm really being honest, it would be a bit longer, but it has been more noticeable in the last six months.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I have been trying to take a very real look at myself to see what is holding me back, and why I can't seem to be honestly happy. It has been pretty painful, but I hope that pain is coming from personal growth as much as it is from reliving bad past experiences, and new bad experiences. Everything happens as it should, I have come to believe, and it is up to us to decide how to react to whatever is placed in our path. That is what determines the kind of person each of us really is. It doesn't take the hurt away when someone you love is dishonest, or thoughtless, or just not there. But it does give you the power to determine what your life will be, regardless of those around you. Even those closest to you.

So I think that is what has been going on with me. I have been hurt pretty badly by the people I love most, and I'm coming to terms with a way to deal with it that is healthy (for everyone involved, including me) and positive. But GOD, it has been a long road. A long, desperate road. Several times I have felt pushed to the brink. Luckily, there has been someone there to grab me each time, and those someones are sometimes very surprising someones (like an old grade school crush--yeah, weird right?).

I don't know if I'm trying to say anything. I'm just speaking to the circles that my mind wanders in. But I do know that things are starting to look a bit brighter today, and I feel good about that. And I also know that the closest people in my life are those that I love the most, and hurt is just a natural part of loving someone that much. And that I feel good about, too. I was on a pretty dangerous road for a while there—a road that would have led me to a lonely, bitter life—but I have decided against that. I have chosen the hurt that I know awaits me in the future for the love that I feel today. And I'm ok with that.

One last word of wisdom from a growing girl: Great sex can heal almost anything. Indulge in taking care of your heart by taking care of your O.

Love to you all,

Boo

Channeling the One Power

2009-02-10T10:31:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure how it exactly happened, but I was somehow drawn in to Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. I've read the entire series—that is now awaiting one last installment following Jordan's death a few years ago—probably five times. Maybe six.

I've been pestering my husband to read these books for going on five years now, and he finally picked up the first book the other day. Seeing him start the book made my mind water, so I came up with a great idea: Let's read the books out loud to one another.

I should have known that I would end up reading them out loud to myself. My husband tends to fall asleep when confronted with books, movies, or any other activity in which he can make himself comfortable. It's an uncanny knack—nay, it is a gift—that he can fall asleep whenever and wherever. But he has been a champ; he stays awake as long as his brain will let him, and I catch him up on what he missed. It has been so pleasant, and my reading-out-loud voice is getting really good. But in reading a book out loud, you begin to notice things that your mind might have scanned over before (because with Jordan's drawn out descriptions of Illian and Tear, my mind starts to wander, so I scan).

One of the things I've noticed: He says "abruptly." Like, A LOT.

I've said it so many times, the word has lost all meaning to me. It even looks weird to me. Ugh. A-B-R-U-P-T-L-Y. Look at that! Those letters were never meant to be that close to one another!

Stop using "abruptly"!

GAH!!!!!!!!

My Saturn Returns

2009-02-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

I've lost my mind.

I can still function, and be social, and everything appears to be fine, but I am really starting to lose my grasp on what I think I know about myself. It is a good, and necessary, breakdown. Not debilitating. Not emotionally destructive, although it has had me racing through the spectrum of extreme emotion in a way I haven't since I was 14 or 15. I feel myself searching for the bottom to see where I can start rebuilding.

I'm beginning to get used to these growth spurts. At first, they were really painful, and they still are, but in a way that I can accept as necessary.

Ear Candy: NIN

2009-01-28T10:04:00.003-05:00

This is for my cyberlover, PissBoy. I hate you. Like, a lot. And I want to cradle your organs in an Easter basket at Thanksgiving dinner.

Please to enjoy Closer.

Call me when you wanna blow up something.

Ear Candy (?): Europe

2009-01-27T13:48:00.001-05:00

This is for you, Jules!

Do the Right Thing

2009-01-22T13:21:00.002-05:00

If you haven't seen this movie yet, drop what you are doing. Right now.

Go!!! Geez.

Boo's Top Ten: Things I Want to See Change from Last Year to This Year

2009-01-08T15:41:00.010-05:00

10. Oprah stops talking about how she constantly gains and loses weight.
Author's Note: For god sakes woman, you are the poster whale for yo-yo. JUST STOP OBSESSING, EAT THE DAMN COOKIES, and SHUT IT.

9. The Jonas Brothers go away as quickly as they came.
Author's Note: Which, as the legend goes, is pretty quick considering that they are slightly past the age of counting the number of pubes on their Ken dolls.

8. My economic stimulus package hurts. Stop the hurty.

7. Better and more viral videos than EVAR BEFORE.
Author's Note: This is sarcastic. Don't send me forwards. Don't send me videos, and then only write in the email, "You've GOT to see this." If you don't tell me what it is I'm about to look at, I won't look at.

6. No laying off. But lots of getting laid!!
Author's note: Um, do I really need to explain this one??

5. Travel to exotic locations.

4. Less hints from my grandmother about my getting knocked up.
Author's note: This would be heaven, except for the warning in my heart that this will never, ever happen. Ever.

3. Make a kickass movie.
Author's note: This is underway, and will hopefully have positive results by the end of the summer.

2. Me, on a label, with an album under my belt.
Author's Note: I'm counting on all five of you to promote the hell out of my music, when, you know, I write it and record it and start playing it all over the world. Yeah. So get on that.

1. A Happier Me!
Author's final note: Yes, this list is extremely self-serving. I would like to thank my local grocery store self-check out for the inspiration necessary to write such an amazingly insightful blog. I owe it all to you, machine that replaced the sweet old lady in a green apron.

AAAAND We're Back...

2009-01-06T11:39:00.003-05:00

My mom is getting married.
I'm happy for her happiness.
That is all I will ever say about her again.

Hi Guys! Gosh, I really missed you all. I know, it has been a ridiculously long time since I have even tried to write anything here, and as usual I've been stretching myself too thin, but that is neither here nor there.

Lots has been going on with me, but I'm not sure that I'm going to over-indulge as I have in the past. It is starting to seem...strange for me. I have no idea why, but there it is. (I promise, if I have a good story, or I have to beat down another punk on the street or something, you'll be in the know.)

I'm feeling a lot of fresh energy now that our house is somewhat completed (pics eventually/maybe) and I'm ramping up for the next few months that should be pretty exciting. I'm working on a film project--TOP SECRET--and getting together with some excellent musician friends from school to record some music. Yes. Finally. THAT I will certainly keep you updated on, because who knows, I might be touring at the end of the year and maybe we could meet up for a beer and you could bring all your friends to my gig, and that would rock. So yeah, I'll keep you updated. Maybe even sneak some peaks if I can figure out how to get music files to play on my profile. (Anyone know a good widget or something? I'm so out of the hip blogging movement.)

Is it just me, or does this year seem to be brimming with possibilities? I know that the world seems very strained right now, but I feel a lightness on the horizon that I haven't felt in a long, long time. I couldn't honestly say that last time I felt this way, but I would guess that I was around 10 years ago, and that is a deadfully depressing thought. I feel a buzzing in my center that portends good things for me, and I intend to channel it into the dreams and wishes that I've always harbored but for one reason or another never went after. I think it is the right time now. I think I am finally ready.

No new year resolution. No fad diet. Just a simple reaching out for the dream. Reaching out to where I want to be. It is all I can do lately: imagine where I want to be, and who I want to be when I get there. And I have a very strong feeling that it is where I am meant to be.

Sorry if this is all a little woowoo, but I'm in a brain-spill phase and I don't mind being odd.

Speaking of odd, where the HELL is Alex???

Love to you all in the New Year.

-Boo

The Shower.

2008-12-11T10:32:00.004-05:00

It's official. I have a house.

I KNOW. I FREAKIN' KNOW!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

It is wonderful. Bliss. Heaven. Paradise. Adam and Eve never had it this good.

The shower. OHMIGOD the shower! Two heads! Walk-in! A window IN THE SHOWER, overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains. Yeah. I. KNOW.

It is terrible to go on and on about it without showing you pictures yet. I'm sorry, I really am.

BUT OHGAWD THE SHOWER!!!!!

If I were a cartoon, I would have roadrunner running legs.

2008-11-24T17:21:00.004-05:00

In the next month I am:

Finishing building a house
Moving into said house
Throwing a party for those who helped build said house
Planning and throwing my company holiday party
Cooking for Thanksgiving at my mom's house (yeah.)
Shipping a monsterously intense book
writing music
starting a band
recording music
donating platelets
going to therapy
flying to Colorado and driving back to NC with a friend
Friend is moving in
trying to get back to some semblance of a sex life with my husband
making Christmas presents

Just in case you're wondering where I may or may not be...