Just Another Fat Girl

Almost 9 months later...

2008-01-23T17:05:00.000-06:00

So... it's been a very long time since I've posted anything. So long that I'm sure everyone has given up even checking here!

I ended up going to the emergency room not long after my last post, and found that my blood pressure was 246/176. Yes, you can have blood pressure like that and still live. An interesting note. If your blood pressure is that high, they don't ask how you're going to pay the bill, they only ask for your next of kin information.

The first meds that I was on made me incredibly tired. So tired that I couldn't stay awake all day, even after a full night of sleep. And of course, I used being so tired and just generally not feeling well as an excuse to eat crap.

My weight went back up to 267. J and I decided to go back on Atkins, and I weighed myself the day we started for the first time in almost a year. I didn't shoot back up to my highest weight, but I was darned close!

I think my new meds are working better than the last ones, and I'm also on some anti-anxiety meds (I was having anxiety attacks). They seem to have stopped the chest pains I was having. I still need way more sleep than I used to, no more all night sewing binges to meet deadlines... I just can't stay awake all night anymore. I end up falling asleep with my sewing in my lap.

The inability to sew much this past year had a severely negative effect on our finances, and I'm trying to focus on getting that all in order again. It will take a few months, but for now I just keep praying for the motivation to keep sewing as fast as I can!

I'm Still Here!

2007-03-31T09:12:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted in a MONTH! No more weight loss, but my efforts haven't been as serious as they should be either. I keep finding excuses to eat off plan! I think that I have the majority of those behind me, but we'll see.

I broke a tooth! I'm in an incredible amount of pain, my sinuses are messed up, I'm having trouble sleeping, and eating anything is very hard. Hopefully this will be resolved very soon so that I can eat correctly again.

A Bad Case of the Crazies...

2007-03-01T19:24:00.000-06:00

I have tons of thoughts in my head tonight, so instead of working on the dress that I desperately need to finish, I'm here in front of my keyboard once again.

Why do they call it LOSING weight? I haven't LOST it. That implies a sense of loss, a sense that this is something that I'll be seeking to find again. I know where my fat went. I most certainly know where to find it, and it's something that I fight with every trip to town. It's right there waiting for me at Sonic, at the buffet, at Dairy Queen, at Braums (the best ice cream store Texas just in case you aren't blessed enough to live here and know what it is), and even on every inside aisle at the grocery store. "Town days" are the hardest. I live in a town of less than 500 people and we only have a convenience store. I try to avoid it like the plague, because I know what's inside. The days I go to town to do the grocery thing, the bank run, or to pay some bills are the hardest. Living in the south, there is temptation on every corner. We don't have a lot of variety when it comes to restaurants and what we do have is loaded with bad fats, bad carbs, and sugar. It's easier to just pretend that I really *do* want to cook at home.

Bad dreams last night, and I've been on the verge of tears all day. Finally figured out what is causing it, but I can't do anything immediate about it, so I'll just have to deal with it. I dreamed that someone broke into the house and was going to hurt the little man. I managed to get him into another room, and there was my mom who shot the bad person. I tried to get her to meet the little man and she just faded away. I still have so much sadness that she died right before I got pregnant. She would not have been a stellar grandma to a little boy, but she would have loved him. She hated loud kids, dirt, kids that couldn't sit still... pretty much everything that describes my little guy.

The Daddy man will be 43 in less than 2 weeks, and I'm worried that he's going to die young. I feel so selfish when I worry about this. I don't worry so much about how the little man will cope with it... I really worry about myself and how I will take care of us financially. And worry that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I hate to be alone. So yeah... lots of demons here today.

Weight 238? - Pounds left to lose 88?

2007-02-28T08:04:00.000-06:00

This is a guess at best. I have an analog scale, and the notches on the dial are so small that I can't really see it BUT it was below 240 and it wasn't teetering on the edge of the 240 line, so this is what I'm taking it for :)

I am being fiscally responsible and actually paying our bills instead of buying a new scale. Maybe in April, since I have both the Daddy man's and the little man's birthdays in March. Getting Daddy man his hat for his Federal impression (we do Civil War reenacting in case you're a new reader), and the little man is getting a new bike!

I actually have "owed" the little man this bike since last summer, since I bribed him with it, he earned it, but we didn't have the money to come through. Yes, I've been lying to my son for several months now. We told him if he went 7 days without wetting his bed, we would buy him a bike. The catch... for him at least was that he couldn't count yet... so when he came through and didn't ask how many days on THE day, I didn't volunteer the information. We were going to get it for Christmas, but the weather was cold, so his birthday will work. Yes, since I owe him the bike already, I'll try to get him something extra. Probably a T-ball set since he's starting that in a couple of weeks. That way he can get in extra practice with me and the Daddy man.

Weight ? - Pounds left to lose... a lot

2007-02-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

So... it's true the scale is broken. Its harder for me to NOT eat off plan when I don't get immediate gratification that what I'm doing is working. I was hoping to buy one this week, but we just found out that T-Ball sign-ups are on Sunday and I really, really WANT that for my son. The scale will have to wait. I am eating on plan though except for 1 kind of planned detour at lunchtime on Sunday. Far from home, in a small town with kind of hit and miss food options and we talked about it and chose to eat off plan.

Onward and DOWNward...

No news is good news?

2007-02-10T18:14:00.000-06:00

So... once again my scale has eaten a battery. I went to weigh myself this morning (I weigh daily even though it's only "official" on Monday), and I was faced with the dreaded Lo.

I'll check it in a bit, but if it's still bad I'm not going to put any further money into this scale. I'll save up and buy a new one in a few weeks.

I am absolutely starving today! I'm not sure if it's the weather or if it's due to lack of sleep, but it's everything I can do not to eat an entire package of whole wheat fig newtons. Yes, binging on healthy food is still binging. So far I'm fighting off the urge successfully. Maybe Mexican food (homemade) for dinner will help!

Weight 241.9 - Pounds left to lose 91.9

2007-02-04T12:18:00.000-06:00

Not the most stellar weight loss on the planet, but I'll take it! 1.1 pounds in the first weeks of SB is supposed to be pretty good.

I don't know what is up with the Daddy Mann. He GAINED 7 pounds this week. How is that possible? The only thing that I can think of is that he's eating after I go to bed. I know that it's up to him, but it just kills me that I work hard coming up with interesting meals and making sure that his food is on track for the whole entire day and then he's blowing it after I go to sleep. I know he's eating after I go to bed, because he doesn't clean up after himself. I think he's trying to make healthy choices, but he won't let me help educate him on what the correct choices would be.

He liked Atkins better because he knew that if he got hungry he could eat meat. I've been trying to tell him that veggies are a better choice, but for some reason he's just not doing it. I worry about him. I don't want him to die, but I'm really scared that if he doesn't do something about his weight that he'll die young.

I don't like to think about that possibility very much.

I think that I'm going to add a 2nd grain this week so that I can have a sandwich (1/2 WW pita bread) for lunch or a snack in addition to my cereal. I'm going to stick with 1/2 a grapefruit or an apple for my fruit serving for the day.

I had TOM this past week and shot up 3 pounds on Thursday from that (back to 245.5) and was really surprised and pleased to see a new lower number this morning.

I went to a kid's birthday party on Saturday and didn't eat any of the hot dogs, cake or ice cream! I wanted that cake badly, but just reminded myself what the scale said on Thursday and was able to not do it. My son hugged me and told me he was proud of me for not eating any, and that felt better than any cake could have tasted!

Why can't men...

2007-01-30T09:17:00.000-06:00

Pee IN the toilet? I've heard of some talented individuals who can write their name in the snow while peeing, so why can't the males in my house get the pee IN the toilet? I'm tired of cleaning off the toilet seat and the floor everytime I want to go to the bathroom. Worse yet is not realizing that someone has peed on the seat and the floor, and the indignity of stepping in pee, followed by the worse indignity of SITTING in the pee on the toilet seat!

If anyone knows of a solution... I'm listening!

Weight 243 - Pounds left to lose 93

2007-01-29T08:49:00.000-06:00

So only down 2/10ths of a pound, but since most people seem to stay the same or gain during their first week or two of Phase 2, I'll be darned glad that I lost what I did! I was hoping to be in the 230's by now, but I think part of it is that darned sf/nf pudding that I eat every single night! I know that I had problems if I ate too many desserts that incorporated the pudding when I was on Atkins, so I'm going to try just doing SF Jello for a few days and see if that helps.

I Am The Sun!

2007-01-28T15:48:00.000-06:00

I saw this on someone's blog (Fat Queen), and so of course since I'm in a time-killing mood, I had to go do it too!

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun allows you to play and feel free. Exploration can truly take place in the light of day when nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with energy so that you may live life to its fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such joy and energy can bring wealth and physical pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel the freedom of a child. Image from: Stevee Postman.

Take this quiz!

Another Friday

2007-01-26T18:41:00.000-06:00

All across America, people are in a happy mood because it's Friday night. I don't like Friday nights much anymore. The Daddy man ends up getting home late because everyone who wants to buy a car puts it off until just before closing on Friday or Saturday night and it cuts in to what little "weekend" we have. I can't really complain because without customers, there aren't any commissions. Without commissions, he'll get let go for being a non-performer. Without the job, no paychecks. So there's my petty gripe for the night :)

I got a new battery for my scale today, and it worked perfectly! I guess I just got a defective battery when I bought the last one. Tomorrow morning I'll be able to weigh in and see if my grain addition has hurt my weight loss. Doesn't really matter, because I'm adding my 1 daily fruit next week anyway. I need to know before I up it to 2 grains or 2 fruits a day though, so I'm glad that it's working again! Plus it goes up high enough to weigh the Daddy man, and that is a huge plus since he would be way too embarassed to weigh somewhere "public" like the doctor's office.

I made tons of new recipes this week, and I truly feel like this is something that I can do for a lifetime. I know that only time will tell, but I found a totally legal coffee cake recipe and a totally legal brownie recipe. Legal as in it counts as actual FOOD (veggies and protein), not legal as in it uses up all my treat calories to eat a teeny-tiny piece. This will be a huge help when PMS rears it's oh so ugly head!

Poor little man is having a bad day. He had to have a 2nd flu shot this morning (can we say tantrum of epic proportions?), and then at lunch time he slipped and fell in MUD. It was caked all the way down the side of his pants, his shirt, his socks, and his shoes. It was so bad it even soaked into his underpants. Of course, today is the day that I chose to go to town and I had just gotten there when the school called. I still had to go to the library and the grocery store, so the poor little guy had to sit in the office in his muddy clothes for almost 2 hours before I got there to pick him up!

I was down to 7 cigarettes a day this week, and did pretty good for the most part. It occurred to me sometime on Monday that I "can" smoke just half a cigarette at a time and make those cigarettes really last. Next week I'll be down to 6, and the crunch will really be on in the weeks that follow.

Weight 243.2 - Pounds left to lose 93.2

2007-01-22T06:45:00.000-06:00

Weigh in day. Another 2.1 pounds gone. There's a good chance that this was actual fat loss!

It's official. My scale is dead. Hopefully I'll have a good eBay week and be able to afford a new scale by next Monday :) I'll keep my fingers crossed! At the very least I'll get a new battery and try to coddle mine along for a couple more weeks.

Gearing up for Phase 2

2007-01-21T21:47:00.000-06:00

I'm starting Phase 2 tomorrow of SB. So... starting tomorrow I'm going to eat 1 serving of ceral for breakfast every morning. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Why is this so scary? I know why... 6 years of Atkins on and off. Losing when I do Atkins, cravings/deprivation kick in, go off Atkins regain all or most of my weight, back on Atkins when I feel like a major slug. I'm just not used to the concept of being able to lose weight while incorporating fruit and grains into my diet. It's like any other new thing, I just have to try it and see.

I won't give up. If this particular food causes me to gain or not lose (I'm adding only 1 specific thing per week until I have an "arsenal" of foods that I know I can eat), then I just add it to the "foods to avoid" list.

My scale has been saying that it has a low battery for a few days now, so I haven't been able to weigh. Daddy man tinkered with it this afternoon and we think it's working again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it really is working so that I can weigh myself in the morning for tomorrow's weigh in!

The cold without end...

2007-01-19T11:06:00.000-06:00

And not just my cold. We're due to get another bout of winter weather here over the weekend, and I'm already so tired of cold and ice that I could just scream!

Still doing well with SB. I don't even feel like I'm "dieting". Which is good. I'm much more likely to be able to sustain this long term if I don't feel like I'm being punished or deprived. I'm looking forward to my weigh-in on Monday. I'm hoping to be down another pound or two.

When my "fat jeans" (which had been tight when we started) were loose yesterday, I decided to try on my "tight jeans". They fit! They are actually a hair loose in the waist which confirms my suspicions that my tummy is smaller. Look out size 18's! I'll be coming for you soon!

I wish the smoking was going as well. I was supposed to cut down to 8 a day this week, and I thought that it would be a piece of cake with the chest cold, but so far I've been "sneaking" an extra cigarette almost everyday! How come I could smoke just 8 when I was allowed 9, but now that I only have 8, I want 9 everyday??? I think that another week at 8 is definitely called for. I'm too embarassed to tell the Daddy man that I didn't make my cigarette goal this week, but I know that I'll feel better if I talk it out with someone.

Thursday already!

2007-01-18T09:35:00.000-06:00

I feel like such a slacker... in fact that is one of my nicknames for myself... Slacker Mom ;)

Little man was sick over the weekend, and when we went to the store on Sunday, the Daddy man insisted on buying cold medicine for the little guy and for me as well. So... was he just planning well or did he jinx me? I got sick on Monday and I'm finally feeling better!

I saw a list of "things I won't miss" on the SB Forums, and it's prompted me to start my own list:

I won't miss:

My little man crying because I won't buy him donuts after school and realizing that he's getting horrible eating habits from me.

Not having room in my lap for the little man, because my stomach is already sitting there!

Not being able to get up and down off the floor.

Worrying about whether I can fit in a chair with arms, and then if I fit having my hips lift the chair up off the ground when I stand up.

I noticed today that my stomach is smaller. Yeah, yeah, I know... I've only lost about 10 pounds, but it's coming off my stomach already. If you've ever been really fat and lost some fat off your stomach, you might remember that moment when you could see the sides of your stomach looking smaller, just barely hinting at the fact that there might be actual muscles under the fat!

My jeans that were too tight to wear for more than a couple of hours when I started SB are now too big! It's almost time to get out my only pair of jeans that I like. I have a couple pairs that are a bit smaller than those that I bought when I actually thought I'd get down to an 18, and I'm starting to believe that I will fit into those sometime in the near future!

Weight 245.3 - Pounds left to lose 95.3

2007-01-15T07:41:00.000-06:00

I'm at 245.3! I lost 9.4 pounds the first week. I know that my weight won't continue to drop at any where near this rate, but what a great motivator!

The Daddy man actually cooked lunch and dinner yesterday AND he went grocery shopping with me. That always means that we spend way too much money, but it also means that I have help reading labels and help with the kid.

We found some great lean turkey patties. I had tried plain ones before and they were pretty yucky. He found some seasoned ones and he fixed those for lunch with some veggies and they were so good that I would willingly choose those in place of a hamburger!

Our local Walmart used to post all the grocery ads from the other stores, so if you forgot your ad it wasn't a big deal to get them to match the price. Now if you forget your ad, you're just screwed! They wanted 8.97 for 3 pounds of chicken breasts, and I knew that the same brand was 4.99 at another store. They wouldn't match the price, and I ended up having to stop at the other store, but for just $2 more than the price of 2 bags, I got 4 bags! Since we pretty much live on chicken, it was a great price.

We are having an ice storm right now. I'm so glad that it's a holiday for the little man. I would hate to drive him to school in this. I'm really worried about the Daddy man driving back and forth in this though. I'll be praying for him to make it home safe tonight.

Rolling right along

2007-01-13T08:34:00.000-06:00

5 days down! Only about a million to go ;)

I finally got to talk to the principal. She had talked to Mrs. H first thing in the morning, but I still had to call her back. She didn't call me. She agreed that it had been mishandled and asked if I wanted a conference with the three of us. I told her no, but that I did feel that Mrs. H should apologize to the children for mishandling the situation. I think it's really important that kids see that grown ups make mistakes and own up to them.

I went and got little man early since we were supposed to have freezing rain (picked him up when school was out instead of leaving him for the extra hour of play time). I ran into Mrs. H in the hall and she told me that I should have written a note to turn in with the crayons and that I don't write the names in the same place that she does, so she never saw the little girl's name on one of the boxes of crayons! Apparently she doesn't "have time" to listen to what the kids say, but that she will always make time to read a note from a parent. WTF!?! She's a freakin teacher... isn't it part of her JOB to listen to the kids???

So somehow after she yelled at my son (and scared him so bad that he was afraid to tell me, because if he gets in trouble at school, he's in trouble at home), and didn't LISTEN to him, it was ALL MY FAULT!!! And she didn't apologize to the kids. I'm thinking that a visit to the principal is in order. Hopefully I can keep my cool and not get so mad that I start to cry and make an ass of myself.

Little man got in trouble for "fighting" at school yesterday. He was playing army with his friends and one of them accidently elbowed him in the mouth. Because he has loose teeth, his gums started to bleed. He didn't hit back, because he realized that his friend didn't mean to hit him, and they BOTH got in trouble for fighting (a time out and their names on the board). What is up with these teachers and aides that they can't even get the kids to talk to them and explain that it was an accident. These are the two most non-confrontational kids in the kindergarten and even Mrs. H was surprised that if there was a fight it was these 2, but they still got in trouble.

My food and smoking are going well. We went out to dinner at the buffet last night. They cater to the low carb crowd, so there are always at least 2 veggies that qualify (there were 5 last night) and they have lots of different meats that don't have breading. Last night was also seafood night and it was so hard not to get a plate of fried clams and shrimp. Instead I had steak and mushrooms and green beans and broccoli and a small salad. I'll have to remember next time that they don't really have a salad dressing that is SB friendly and bring my own dressing with me. I only had about 1/2 TBSP of regular ranch dressing though and figured that it could be my fat allowance for dinner.

The Daddy man isn't noticing much difference so far, but when you have a lot of weight to lose sometimes you have to lose quite a bit to see a difference. I saw one for him this morning though. He's moved his belt 2 NOTCHES already! He hadn't even noticed that when he was getting dressed.

Yet another day...

2007-01-12T08:31:00.000-06:00

I had so many things that irritated me yesterday! I didn't let it influence me to make poor food choices, but it put a dent in my smoking. I smoked 10 cigarettes yesterday! 9 the day before, and I had been down to 8. For any of you non-smokers, going from a pack a day down to 8 a day is really good... Now I just need to KEEP it at 8 so that I feel comfortable going down to 7.

My son's kindergarten teacher is a MAJOR PITA! I got phone calls from 3 people on the first day of school that she was mean and had already been mean to one little girl. I didn't even realize that I *know* 3 people here who would know my phone number to call and warn me about that.

She's nitpicky. Amazingly nitpicky. In that if a child makes an "o" and it's a little lopsided they get marked down for it. These are 5 year-olds, they are still babies in a lot of ways, and some of them had never held a pencil before the first day of kindergarten!

Yesterday I went to get Austin and saw my friend's little girl. She looked like she wanted to tell me something, but the aide was herding them outside for pick up. I went in and got Austin, and started on our way home. I got a phone call before I could make it out of the parking lot. Mrs. H yelled at one of the kids... it was unclear whether it was my son or my friend's little girl. My son wasn't talking (he lost a tooth and was trying not to let me see so that he could "surprise" me), and the little girl was upset. Finally got the story from both kids.

My friend got a note from Mrs. H that she was supposed to take in some more crayons for her daughter, but both the Walmarts were out of the right sized box. I told her that I had some that weren't the right sized box, but that at least they were crayons (and more crayons is better, right?) She asked me if I got the note, and no... no note, but I'm not the most organized person on the planet so I probably lost it. I write names on 2 boxes of crayons (on each individual crayon not just the boxes), and send them to school with my son. I told him to put them on Mrs. H's desk so that she could pass them out when she thinks they need them since I'm not sure if they are completely out of crayons or just running low.

Mrs. H asked who put the crayons on her desk, and my son admits that he did. She started YELLING at him. Telling him that he didn't get a note, that he didn't need to bring in more crayons, and that they were the wrong sized box. He told her that one box was for his friend, and she yelled at him that he wasn't "allowed" to bring crayons for someone else, that her mom has to send in her crayons, and that the little girl can't have the crayons because HER mom didn't buy them!

I've spent 5 1/2 years teaching the child to share, teaching him to help out other people, teaching to be kind and polite and NICE... because to me all this matters! And this bee-yotch yells at him for being a sharing and kind person. Lesson for the day. Don't be nice, because it bites you in the ass!

I'm still mad. To make matters worse, when I called the principal she was in a meeting and she NEVER called me back. All of this accounted for 5 cigarettes on it's own!

One more fingernail fell off yesterday. No, Mae. I won't pull or otherwise pry them off. I'm waiting for the natural causes of laundry and dishes to get under them and loosen them til they fall off :)

Day 4 Already!

2007-01-11T07:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday went pretty well food-wise, and was a little less than stellar in regards to my smoking. Oh well. Today is another day :)

I'm up to my neck in sewing projects right now, and I can't figure out if or when I'll ever finish! I had made 2 of the 4 dresses that I had fabric for, and then the first one sold for an outrageous amount of money (to me at least) on eBay, so I decided to duplicate it. Why tamper with success, right? So off I went to find more of the same fabric yesterday, and miracle of miracles, they actually had it in stock and had the whole amount that I needed. I have a second chance offer into the second highest bidder, and I'm hoping that she'll take it. If not, I'll offer it to her at one of her lower bids, if she still doesn't take it, I'll just put it up for auction again.

The one that I'll finish this morning was a PITA! This is the 5th time that I've made it and everytime it is just as hard! I hate that! Practice is supposed to make things easier! Oh well, at least the duplicate dress will be easy. I've made that pattern about 20 times now, and everytime goes a little bit easier and faster. If I could just figure out how to get these darned acrylics off my fingertips I'd have it made! I got sucked into that whole "be a girly" thing for Christmas, and it never occurred to me that I'd have a hard time sewing with the stupid things. Luckily one of my thumbnails popped off, but I want the rest of them off now!

Sailing Right Along...

2007-01-10T06:52:00.000-06:00

Another good day on plan and came in at 8 cigarettes out of my allowed 9 again. I also worked out for 15 minutes again last night. Today I'm giving up my "first thing in the morning" cigarette. I'm writing here instead so that I don't just throw away my good intentions and go flying out the door. This is a TOUGH cigarette to give up!

This is funny. I've never been motivated to eat perfectly two days in a row before, especially while cutting back on cigarettes, and most especially I don't think I've ever worked out 2 days in a row before. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm latching on to it while it does!

The Daddy man is a retired cop. One of the things that makes us the most upset is when someone without the guts to kill themselves will put themselves in the position of having a cop kill them. It's called Suicide by Cop. And of course the person who gets themselves killed that way is too cowardly to kill themselves AND they are so selfish that they don't care about the guilt that they are putting on the cop.

I read on Diary of a fat, angry woman about how bulemics, and anorexics are trying to kill themselves, and how she thinks that binge eaters are doing the same thing. S-L-O-O-O-W suicide. So... if I don't do anything about my weight and I don't exercise, and I don't quit smoking... I'm just trying to speed it up some.

I'm still so mad at my mom for dying at the age of 58. 58!!! My grandmother is in her 90's! Every other person in my family has lived to be in their 80's or 90's. She died without ever getting to meet her grandson, because I got pregnant just after she died. She'd been heavy as far back as I could remember and would yo-yo diet on all these weird plans that she heard about. I think about how swollen her poor feet would be by the middle of the day, her mood swings, and I wonder if she had Type II. It frequently leads to heart disease and heart attacks... so I just wonder.

So no more suicide attempts here. I swore off those when I got pregnant with Austin. I'd hate for my son to wonder why his Mama didn't love him enough to stay alive.

Day 2 Cont'd!

2007-01-09T09:07:00.000-06:00

I know, I know... this could have waited, but it was a huge accomplishment for me! I actually exercised for 15 minutes last night. I used to do Walk Away The Pounds (WATP) pretty regularly, but it was boring to watch. Now I just do the routine while watching a regular TV show. I quit after 15 minutes, but I did walk in place, do the side to side thing, did the front kicks, and even did the back kicks (which seriously hurt my butt!) for 15 minutes. The best part is that the little guy did it with me. Okay, he would jog away and jog back every few minutes, throw himself in a chair and yell "I'm pooped!" and various other nonsense, but he did at least 10 minutes of it.

The Daddy man of course "isn't ready" yet. He did say that he'll start when he's lost a little weight and can move more easily. I'm trying to gently nudge him into doing at least what he can do. It doesn't have to be perfect, and it doesn't have to be for long, but something is better than nothing!

On to Day 2!!!

2007-01-09T08:35:00.000-06:00

So... day 1 was successful! I could see a huge difference just in the amount of water that I was retaining by the time I went to bed last night. It must have been huge, because I hopped on the scale this morning and I lost 4.9 pounds on the first day. Trust me! I know it was all water, since it's impossible to lose any fat that quickly, but the boost to my morale was phenomenal.

I did Fitday to track my food intake yesterday and I was just about 800 calories. I'll need to work on eating more calories today while still staying within my allowed foods. 2 cups of veggies at each meal does NOT leave a lot of room in my tummy for more calorie dense choices though. I know that I'm kind of on that "new food plan high" and I won't stay at these calorie levels for long. Pretty soon I'll be fighting to keep my calories low enough.

Only smoked 8 of my 9 allowed cigarettes yesterday and I didn't really want that last one. I smoked it though since it's part of my whole "soon I won't be able to, so I should get it while I can!" Tomorrow I'm going to skip my first cigarette and try to get down to 7 for the day. Hopefully I can be down to 5 or 6 by the weekend.

Tons of errands today, web work, a dress I need to finish and 2 more loads of laundry. UGH! I don't really mind doing the laundry, but I wish there was just one day that I didn't have to do any. I only had 1 load when I went to bed, but the little man wet his bed last night so there's the 2nd load. I'll be glad when he quits wetting the bed!

Weight 254.7 - Pounds left to lose 104.7

2007-01-08T07:42:00.000-06:00

So this is my South Beach starting weight. I just love a fresh start.

I did great yesterday. I had allowed myself 9 cigarettes and only smoked 8!

Today is our first day of SB. I did some prep last night to make sure that today goes smoothly, and I did my first WI. It was a hair (and I do mean hair!) under what I expected, so no bad news here!

DH isn't going to weigh until he sees his clothes getting looser. He's worried that if he weighs himself now that he'll get so depressed about how far he has to go that he'll give up before he starts.

It's taken me 2 years of reading and re-reading and finding other information to get a hang on how SB works. Hopefully I really do understand it now. It seems to take the best parts of Atkins (eat until you're satisfied on the allowed foods) with the best parts of more traditional plans (low fat), plus emphasizes healthy carbs which is a must for me if I want to keep from falling over the edge from borderline diabetic into fullblown Type II.

Well! I have a ton to do today, so I'd best get going on it!

Not Smokeless Yet!

2007-01-07T10:49:00.000-06:00

Okay... so I'm not smokefree yet. I made it to about 7:30 last night and I just couldn't go any longer. I had been nauseated all day, and then after I ate dinner I started getting the shakes. My DH has never smoked in his life and has no patience for the whole withdrawal thing was telling me that it was all in my head. But then he saw me start shaking and said that I should buy some cigarettes and taper off some more before I quit all the way. I felt like such a failure. I bought 3 packs of cigarettes (he wanted me to buy a carton), and I had 3 cigarettes last night.

I've had 2 so far today (I'm allowed up to 9), and I'm doing okay. I'm not letting myself smoke more often than every 2 hours, and hopefully will smoke a lot less than 9 cigarettes.

Today is our last day of off-plan eating. We start Phase I of South Beach tomorrow. I'm really excited about it! The only truly "bad" thing that we're planning to eat today is French toast and bacon for breakfast. My DH makes the world's best French toast and I can't wait to have it since he doesn't make it very often.

A Smokeless Me

2007-01-06T08:47:00.000-06:00

I hope that I survive today and that my family survives as well. I smoked my last cigarette around 10pm last night before I went to bed. I've already been without a cigarette for a whopping 11 hours! I've only been awake for 2 hours and I have already had the urge to smoke more times that I can count.

It would help if cigarettes hadn't been my "reward" for so long. Get Austin's breakfast? Good girl! Have a cigarette! Finish a particularly difficult web page? Oh you absolutely deserve a cigarette! And as a panacea? Oh are you stuck on this bit of graphics? Well you just go have a smoke while you work it out in your head!

I know all the "facts". Cigarettes are poison. They will eventually kill me. I have successfully quit in the past, but that was with a finite goal in mind (during my pregnancy, with the birth of my son being the time that I "could" start up again if I chose). Daddy never saw it that way and when I would whine that I wanted a cigarette, he'd say something like And you're never going to have another cigarette ever again! I could feel the jail cell door slamming shut.

I don't like the smell. I only smoke outside because I don't want my house to stink. I don't like the taste. Who would want to taste that on a continual basis? Most times I don't even smoke the whole cigarette. This past week while I was "counting down" and had just a couple of packs left, I forced myself to smoke the whole cigarette every time I went out there, and I really thought about whether I was enjoying the experience. No... I really don't.

Supposedly if I can make it through 7 days (or something like that), all of the nicotine will be out of my body and I won't have physical cravings anymore. I know that then there will just be this aching wantiness sometimes. As long as Daddy can keep his mouth shut and not say anything that inspires doom and gloom in me, maybe I can really do it this time.