Fixin' to Reign

The Hiram Hope Hiatus

2008-01-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since you've heard from us and a lot has happened. Just before August 1st, reacting to the aggregate pressures of the cafe fire, the political race, and Stormy's pregnancy, Hiram snapped. He had a severe emotional and nervous breakdown.

It was on July 28th that Hiram simply threw a screaming, hissy fit in which he verbally attacked us all. He fired Steve, his quirky brother, and his waitress, Faith. He also discharged all the volunteer campaign workers including Josh Rugby and me.

The next day he stood in the street, on the square, where he played a bass drum and tried to auction off the Hope Cafe to passersby. He received a $147 bid which he almost accepted. After a couple of hours, Hiram was making so much noise, that Patrolman Adair took him in.

The Chief of Police, convinced that Hiram's erractic behaviour was serious and not from temporary substance abuse, transported him over to the Mental Health Resource Center at Snaps County Hospital. Patrolman Adair brought Stormy to this facility where she signed to admit Hiram. He spent 120 days as an inpatient. Now, at his discharge, his prognosis is good but he must avoid heavy stress and stay on his medications, primarily a sensational new pill called Lalalan.
_________________

Herkimer Hiram Hope was born August 16, weighing in at 9 lbs, 2 oz. The grandparents, Sinbad and Bambi, immediately came to help Stormy with the baby and as of late January, they are still in residence at the Hope abode. The baby is normal and fine.

Steve supervised and completed the fire damage repairs and Hiram is now thinking of reopening. He wants to bring back the old crew. Faith is now working at the Cracker Barrel and is making a good bit more, but she is on her feet a good bit more. She misses being allowed to flirt with the customers and of course she misses Hiram's political goings on. She is expected to return.

Hiram also wants to restart and reinvigorate the campaign but knows the powers at the Surprise Party will be less than enthusiastic. He has also inquired of Josh Rugby and me and we have both responded, "Let's go slow, and wait and see".

That's a conditional 'maybe'.

Communication in Politics

2007-07-21T20:49:00.000-04:00

On the day scheduled for an inspection of the Hope Cafe's damages, the adjuster from Great Harpoon Insurance was a no-show. Late in the day, he did call and spoke to Steve, Hiram's quirky brother. The adjuster didn't apologize, but stated that he had a more important claim to handle and would be back to Hiram within a few days. In the meantime, he would send a packet of forms.

Hiram was furious. He urgently needed to commence both the cleanup and the repairs. He had to replenish the food inventory and announce a reopening date. Also, on his hands; the political campaign and a tempermental, 8 1/2, month, pregnant spouse.

He would call Great Harpoon's home office for some immediate action. Unfortunately, the only address he could find, was the wording on the cover of the Company's comic book type policy. That is, "Located deep within the Bermuda Triangle."

He had premium notices from the Happy Bank of the Cayman Islands, but this institution listed only a post office box. No telephone numbers and no URLs. In Snapsville, not even the local insurance agent had additional information. Hiram felt like the oft disrespected comedian, Rodney Dangerfield.

As part of the Surprise Party's surprise campaign training, it's candidates have been learning more about the Internet and about computers in general. For instance, Hiram had learned about a massive, search engine called 'google' where one can look up practically anything, at no charge, and usually recieve a fast, somewhat credible, answer. Hiram decided to try it.

Since Great Harpoon is 'deep within the Bermuda Triangle', Hiram clicked in the company name, and also the word: Triangle. The screen promptly spit out numerous trigonometry links as well as a list of insurance companies that have been associated with the notorius triangle. On the list, there it was: Great Harpoon.

The display gave both an '800' number, and a list of the officers and directors including:

Roth Ira -- President and CEO
Reg Ular Ira -- Vice President of Claims
401 Kaye -- Secretary

Hiram dialed and got through to Ms. 401 Kaye. She informed him that the Great Harpoon home office is located on a ship, actually a 102 foot whaler, that struggles to stay afloat (the Company and the ship). On board, there is a crew of ten exchange students and, five bearded executives, (including Ms. 401 Kaye) who are all related.

The vessel is loaded with communications gear, blank and moldy comic book insurance policies, cash and captured pirate treasure. Of course, there is also the very big harpoon. Other than claims, the basic functions of running the Company -- accounting, underwriting, and marketing -- are outsourced to a diverse cabal, in Gary, Indiana.

Once Ms. 401 understood that Hiram was indeed, a legitimate presidential contender -- who if elected, might resume war games in the Bermuda Triangle -- she became apprehensive, and conferenced the call into the claims guru, Mr. Reg Ular Ira. Reg remarkably approved payment of Hiram's claim, in full.

"Just fax me your repair bills, invoices, and evidences of lost profits. We will pay you by return, overnight, mail. Just fax them in, er, Sir, Mr. President."

A grand reopening celebration along with a simultaneous political rally is now scheduled for August 1st. There will be music by the local bluegrass group, The Cavemen, and they will be assisted by the Stepford Spouses. Free corn dogs will be served.

Meanwhile, the criminal who tried to set fire to the Cafe has been identified. He is Leroy 'Arson' Carson, a frequently incarcerated two-bit torch. Who might have hired Arson Carson to do harm to Hiram? That is the urgent question and the state fire marshal and the local police are actively pursuing the matter.

Political dirty tricks?

2007-07-05T11:55:00.000-04:00

Some unpleasant, troublesome, events have been occurring in Snapsville -- Hiram has been receiving hate mail, urging him to drop out of the Presidential race, and also containing threats of both bodily harm to his family and property damage to his restaurant.

Worse, just before midnight Tuesday, Jimmy Adair, a local patrolman, surprised and apprehended a burglar inside the Hope Cafe. The intruder was in the process of pouring kerosene or some similar accelerant onto the floors and table tops. The Snapsville policeman caught and cuffed the trespasser before he could ignite the smelly liquid.

The prisoner remains unidentified and is stashed in the city jail. The Police Chief is concerned for this inmate's safety as Hiram is quite popular with the regular prisoners. The Hope Cafe sends leftover food to the jail, including remnants of Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding. The jail regulars gorge on this food and resent any disruption. They may feel obligated to be a little rough with the new inmate.

Although Hiram is concerned about the 'hate mail', he is furious about the damage to the cafe. The necessity to close for several days while cleaning, deodorizing, decontaminating and conferring with the insurance company has him irate. And, he is not fond of insurance companies.

Hiram has presented only one previous claim, a small accidental grease fire, that occurred in 2003. The repairs consisted of professional cleaning and painting. The insurance carrier reluctantly paid $6,700, but then cancelled Hiram's policy. The Company is quite prominent:

Carrier -- The Nuclear Glow Insurance Company
Slogan -- You and your good neighbors melt in our hands

Hiram's local agent had difficulty finding a replacement policy, but eventually found one with a 'surplus lines' company, headquartered deep within the Bermuda Triangle:

Carrier -- The Great Harpoon Insurance Company
Slogan -- Sooner or later you will get the point

Tomorrow, Hiram meets with the adjuster from Great Harpoon.

In recent years this Company's policies have been criticized for not making sense. For being too complicated and for being written in non-comprehensible legalese. Most competing carriers have changed to an 'easy read' format. For example, take a look at your own Homeowners policy. They are now easier to read, although they are still ambiguous.

Last year Great Harpoon decided to upstage the industry by printing their own newer policies in a comic book mode. Yes, 43 pages of illustrated color graphics with separate drawings for each covered peril, each exclusion, each condition. Also, the carrier uses a full page for this important warning:

CAVEAT -- Great Harpoon Insurance Company is an incorporated entity and is recognized under the law as a legal person possessing a mind and its own emotions. Any claim submitted will be subject to the application of these emotions:

1. Anger
2. Denial
3. Grief
4. Possible accommodation
5. Closure

Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, considers the policy to be a comic book and he reads and studies it each time he is in Hiram's home. Foster may know more about the policy than anyone at Great Harpoon, and he is sure to advise Hiram as the claim progresses.

Meanwhile, there is still a political campaign to worry about.

(End)

Presidential Power

2007-06-22T08:27:00.000-04:00

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power -- Abraham Lincoln

We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom -- Stephen Vincent Benet

The oval office acts as a powerful magnet. The closer one gets to it, the greater the attraction -- Hiram J. Hope

Hiram came to the roundtable this morning, somewhat perturbed. He is concerned that virtually all the lurkers and wannabe potential candidates are now sidling up to the dance floor. The wallflowers are actually walking out onto the floor and are cutting in on the prettiest girls. These procrastinators are now desperately acting like salmon on their upstream trek.

Fred Thompson is scoring high in the polls even though his blast off announcement is not expected until July 4th. He is definitely dancing.

Michael Bloomberg is pirouetting and he is bringing his own hall, dance band and girls (the Rockettes, no doubt). He is also bringing his treasure.

Newt is trying to dance while still sitting on a fence. He does a mean mug-wump, bunny hop.

Al Gore is swaying near the band stand, causing the breezes to shift, as he anticipates certain awards. The noble Nobel Peace Prize may be his.

Meanwhile, here in Snapsville, Foster's teacher is still bad-mouthing Hiram's candidacy, "It will certainly be a 'fluke' should Mr. Hope win."

Hiram thought about printing some Tee shirts captioned:

Don't be a kook,
Vote for the Fluke.

Then Steve reminded Hiram that in addition to being a 'stroke of luck', a 'fluke' is also a vile, nasty, sucking, parasitic, worm-fish.

Hiram decided to order Tee shirts on another day.

Diplomacy 101 -- Dining with the Enemy

2007-06-07T09:14:00.000-04:00

To the amazement of one and all, Steve, Hiram's quirky brother, graduated from culinary school and with honors. He even received job offers from both the Cracker Barrel, over on the Interstate, and from the local IGA deli. All this attention prompted Steve to quiz Hiram regarding his new job and to inquire about fringe benefits offered at the Hope Cafe.

"Other than free meals, there are none," cautioned Hiram. "Just work hard and don't gormandize."

Meanwhile, early this morning, Stormy went to see Dr. Patel for a check-up and a sonogram. Little Hiram is expected to be a hefty baby and his ETA, -- about August 15th. Stormy was urged to stay off her feet and to diet a bit.

Hiram closely monitored the recent New Hampshire Democratic and Republican debates. He stood in front of his full length mirror and practiced rebutting each of the candidates while choosing appropriate, effective, body language.

Hiram is hoping that the FCC will invoke the "fairness doctrine" that will force the networks and TV stations to offer the minor political parties and low budget candidates equal exposure. Hiram dreams of debating Mitt or Rudy and/or Hillary or Obama.

Faith mentioned that Democrat John Edwards is sending each of his contributors a copy of his mom's recipe for pecan pie. Hiram wondered whether he should similarly send out Stormy's recipe for Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding.

That would be publishing a trade secret much like if Coke should reveal their formula in USA Today. Yet, if some of the world's most hostile, evil, leaders are exposed to truly delicious cuisine, they may just sweeten up. For instance, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, has spent his life smelling, tasting and consuming kimch'i -- a known food WMD.

Rainy Days puddiing as well as Ms. Edward's pie might turn Kim around. Hiram (the impulsive decider) will have to meditate on this one.

Continuity of Government Commission

2007-05-26T10:40:00.000-04:00

Text of E-mail sent to American Enterprise Institute re their "Continuity of Government Commission", which plans for survuval in the event of devastating terrorist attacks.

Gentlemen and Ladies:

I am Hiram Hope, presidential nominee of the Surprise Party. For background information please see the link, below. While I am fictitious as is the Surprise Party, we have a keen interest in the progress of the Commission including its findings and recommendations. In reviewing your Web site, it frankly appears that you are stagnating with no activity reported since 2003.

These CONTINUITY issues are far too important and vital to be ignored, or addressed in a lackadaisical fashion. Please include us in or on any free mailing lists, newsletterrs, position papers, etc.

FOR A STRONGER AMERICA

Hiram J. Hope

http://www.continuityofgovernment.org

The Surprise Party in dangerous times

2007-05-16T11:22:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night following the Republican Party (Fox) presidential debate, Hiram called to make sure all of us campaign workers made it to the 6:00 AM roundtable at the cafe. For one thing, he wanted guinea pigs to test a new recipe.

Steve, Hiram's quirky brother, has continued to make progress in cooking school. He has come under undue influence of the school's dean, Dimitria, a disciple of global warming. At this morning's meeting Steve introduced a new low-cal, carbon neutral, ever-green, pancake made with ethanol and served with honey from killer bees.

We were all hungry enough to scarf down at least one. Only two of us had to throw-up anything. I reminded Hiram to be certain that his product liability insurance is in force. As for Steve, Josh Rugby, suggested that he go out to Snapsville Mall and attempt to interest Starbucks in this new politically correct, breakfast. That should definitely help the Hope Cafe.

Hiram quickly reminded us that the purpose of our meeting was business, not pleasure. He rapped his fork against a glass and commenced his remarks:

"Most of you, except my very tired and pregnant spouse, saw the Republican debate last night. While it was not spectacular, I was glad to see the moderator pose a series of questions, regarding potential terrorist attacks. Attacks occurring to and within the Continental United States.

"For far too long most of us including yours truly, have considered presidential politics to be fun and games, or a light and fluffy spectator sport, a form of entertainment. And why, not? Rallies, conventions, debates parties and parades are indeed fun. Yet, now our times have changed!

"Especially since 9/11, times have dramatically changed! We now live in the most perilously dangerous times since the founding of our country. We have multiple and diverse enemies who possess or will soon possess radiological, chemical and bacteriological weapons. We are talking nukes including dirty ones. We are talking nerve gas. We are talking anthrax and worse. And we are talking motivated suicide bombers.

"Without even dwelling on the possible injuries and casualties, imagine daily living with a total absence of money and with a complete disruption of the banking system. No stocks, bonds or 401K's. No Social Security or veteran's checks. Imagine super market shelves that remain bare while hungry throngs meander about, waiting for a chopper to drop MRE's. Imagine limited quantities of medicine and gasoline only available to someone willing to barter fire arms, jewelry, or perhaps a hen that still lays rather than lays still.

"The Surprise Party, its representatives and delegates, pray that these tragic events never occur. That our greatest misfortune might be having to consume a disagreeable green pancake.

"Surprise candidates are being chosen on the basis of character and their street sense. And while we work for a vibrant economy, sound education, reformed taxes, and other domestic issues, we will reach out to befriend our global allies as well as our enemies while keeping our Armed Forces strong and ready.

"A couple of prominent Washington think tanks have been researching ways to keep our government operating smoothly, should we sustain a devastating attack. As presidential nominee of the Surprise Party, I have asked the directors of these think tanks to keep us apprised and advised of their findings and recommendations.

"In the meantime, politics can still be enjoyable, if we are prudent, curious, cautious and wise."

...a time to mourn...A time to be born...

2007-04-22T14:05:00.000-04:00

We were stunned and shocked by the horrendous tragedy at VPI, and our flags have been at half mast. In addition, now we have the fallen Blue Angel. Therefore, we will continue our period of mourning through Wednesday, April 25th. Campaign activities will be rescheduled.

Hiram and Stormy, who are expecting their first child in August, do wish to underscore at least one major item of good news: The US Supreme Court has struck down the 'partial birth abortion' procedure and it appears that third trimester slaughters will be greatly reduced. At least some good has resulted from the Bush presidency -- his selection of judges.

HIRAM HOPE FOR PRESIDENT COMMITTEE
claimsmith@aol.com

The Winning Campaign Song

2007-04-11T09:09:00.000-04:00

Although the campaign song contest deadline was April 1st, Hiram waited another ten days, just in case, lethargic snail mail might be in route. Steve, the quirky brother, and I, were underwelmed by the entry response. Both the quantity and quality.

Nevertheless, a pretty good entry did come from 80-year-old Matilda Elmore. She is a resident of an assisted living facility near Missoula, Montana. Actually, we have declared Matilda to be our first place winner. At the bottom of this post you will see her complete lyrics which are to be sung to the tune of the old standard: Ja-da, Ja-da.

We do have logistical problems with regard to awarding her prize. How are we going to get weekly, heaping bowls of -- Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding---to Missoula, in edible condition?

Steve spoke up: "I've got it. At my cooking school, we've learned how to 'can' just about any substance. I'm sure I can 'can' banana pudding. We'll just dance the can 'can', put the stuff in Mason jars and ship her a years supply. If it's a hit, maybe Wal-Mart will pick it up."

The song will be introduced at next Monday's lunch. Years ago Hiram's wife, Stormy, won the talent portion of the Miss Kentucky contest, by impersonating Barbra Streisand and her version of Second Hand Rose.

Since Stormy can still belt 'em out, she will sing--Hiram, He's the Man--accompanied by Foster, her ukulele strumming nephew. Next, a barber shop quartet will go at it and we'll add a Dixieland band. Then, we'll give out the song sheets for the sing-along.

The goal: Everybody leaves happy -- whistling or humming the campaign song.

Here are the words to: Hiram -- He's the Man.

Hiram, Hiram
He's the man for President.

Vote for, Hiram
The next White House resident.

He'll lower taxes; oil prices too.
Protect this country; that's me and you.

Vote for, Hiram
He's the man for President.
-----------------------------
Second bridge:

He has courage and is moral for sure.
Believes in defense and a homeland secure.

MORE SOON

"Not Greedy of Filthy Lucre" I Tim 3.8

2007-04-02T15:55:00.000-04:00

On the Sunday prior to Easter, Hiram insisted to Stormy that they were overdue for a blessing and insisted that they attend services. The campaign has been going well and Stormy's pregnancy has, thus far, been uncomplicated.

There will be adjustments ahead including choosing someone to run Hope's kitchen during the coming months. As a potential solution, Hiram has convinced Steve, his quirky brother, to take over in the galley and to prepare himself by enrolling in a culinary class at Snaps Community College. Steve has registered. It is anybody's guess whether he will complete the 8 week course.

Reverend Ross chose as his sermon topic the 'love of money' being the 'root of all evil'. Hiram, at first, misunderstood the preacher's accent and thought he was railing against, 'filthy liquor' rather than 'filthy lucre'. Hiram's waitress, Faith, would certainly agree with the 'filthy' part as she always wipes down the Hope Cafe's currency with a sponge saturated with turpentine. It kills bacteria but Hiram's deposits always have an aroma.

The preacher's conclusion: It's okay to have a platonic relationship with money, just don't adore the stuff. By the way, the Surprise Party puts little emphasis on money. Party chairman, John Shumaker, is coming in for a Wednesday rally and will be going over a variety of Surprise strategies including how to run a campaign sans the dollars.

Reverend Ross' choice of sermon topic was both timely and coincidental. The national media have been in a frenzy awaiting 1st quarter financial reports from the major presidential candidates. How many millions have they each collected?

The media presumes that the amount collected relates to and predicts the number of votes to be cast. Yet, even the word 'collected' is suspect. These politicians actually report pledges, not actual collections. Thus, a portion of the money promised never, ever, arrives and the figures being reported are skewed.

Hillary has been the first to report, and as she includes some old money (which spends quite well), she is sitting on a cool 35 million. Edwards is expected to come in at about 16 million and Obama is somewhere between the two, but nearer Hillary.

Senator McCain is falling a bit short. Candidates who don't realize their goals, or who are expecting 'filthy lucre' that never comes, may soon be reaching for 'filthy liquor'.

After soaking up the TV news, as she worked Monday, Faith became concerned that Hiram had neglected to file a financial report. Not knowing how to contact the Federal Election Commission, she opted to call CNN:

FAITH: Is this Cable News? May I speak with either Anderson or Wolf?

CNN: Mr. Cooper and Mr. Blitzer are at the Big Dance finals. Is there a message?

FAITH: Oooh! I didn't realize they were dance partners. Who leads? -- Never mind. -- I just need to speak to someone who handles breaking news.

CNN: Hang on for our intern, FiFi.

FAITH: Hi, FiFi. I'm Faith, the finance chairman for Hiram Hope.

FIFI: Hopa. You are Hopa?

FAITH: Mr. Hopa -- er that's Hope is running for president. I want to give you his financial report for the 1st quarter. Just listen, please, and write this down. I put an empty dill pickle jar next to our cash register. It is labelled: Hiram's Pretty Petty Cash. So far, our customers have dropped in $77.00. I just want to get that report out so that we are legal.

FIFI: Miss Hopa coulda you calla back?---I, don'a know dilla pickle.---I speaka no English.

----------------------------

Link to C-span: For genuine political news.

Campaign Conference

2007-03-28T17:17:00.000-04:00

After school each day, Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, walks from Snapsville Elementary to the Hope Cafe, a distance of three blocks. He always arrives at about 3:30 and is very happy that his uncle and aunt are in the food business. His mid-afternoon snack has become a ritual and Hiram looks forward to sitting down and chatting with the boy. Today, Foster appeared to be more agitated than usual.

"Uncle Hiram, my teacher says that there is no way that you can win the Presidential election. And she told that to the whole class."

"Oh, Fos. There are a lot of people who don't see us winning. It is not a sure thing, but it is certainly possible."

"Miss Gage said that to win you will need many electrical volts and that our small state has only eight electrical volts."

Hiram chuckled. "It's electoral, not electrical; votes, not volts."

"Well, even if it is votes---don't we need more than eight?"

"Foster, eat the rest of your tapioca. The presidential election process is convoluted. That is, its a mixed-up system. Here's the thing. If no candidate gets a majority of the country's electoral votes, the House of Representatives in Washington chooses the President. So, maybe, even if we are in third place, we can win."

"And, Miss Gage, could get a shock from the Surprise Party, even though the votes aren't electrical."

"Finish your Tapioca."

Worthy opponents?

2007-03-22T13:59:00.000-04:00

Hiram knocked briefly on my door, twisted the knob, and let himself in. He caught me in the midst of consuming a Dagwood style bologna sandwich.

"Hey, haven't you heard? There is a pretty good restaurant in this town, and we don't serve cold cuts."

"Well, Hiram, if this campaign manager's job were not voluntary, perhaps I could afford to eat at your establishment."

"Hmmm. Did you see today's John and Liz Edwards press conference?"

"Yup."

"It's nice to see someone emphasize family and marriage priorities. Even though Edwards is far to the left on some issues, he shows real class and he and she outshine many of the other major party candidates."

"Yup."

"Send him an appropriate E-mail from me."

"Okay, yup. I'm nothing but a 'yup' man."
-------------------------------

HONORABLE JOHN EDWARDS
EDWARDS FOR PRESIDENT COMMITTEE
CHAPEL HILL, NC

Dear Senator:

Although I'm just a fictional candidate from a fictional party---the Surprise Party---I want to congratulate you and Mrs. Edwards on your positive outlook and on your adherence to your marriage vows and values. Stormy and I are praying for you and with you and here is hoping that perhaps you and I can square off in the general election.

Best regards,

Hiram J. Hope
Presidential Candidate--the Surprise Party
See our blog: http://fixin2rain.blogspot.com

Post pertinent comments below. E-mail: claimsmith@aol.com

Campaign sing-along---Contest

2007-03-18T12:36:00.000-04:00

Sundays are very quiet in downtown Snapsville, especially, on the square. All the businesses, including the Hope Cafe, are closed. Within a mile you'll maybe find a couple of guys hanging out at the volunteer fire house and you may see a collection of kids and daddies trying to fly remote control model airplanes at the park.

In contrast, there is hustle and bustle three miles away at Snapsville Mall. Shoppers flow in from a 50-mile radius. Older male teenagers hang out showing off their souped up vehicles. And they are attracted by the fast food joints and by older female teenagers who have early on, mastered the intimate skills of mall commerce.

I stay away from that scene and usually nap. Today, however, at 1:30, I received a call.

"This is Hiram. Just wondering whether you and Steve finished up on the campaign song?"

I had to answer in the negative but I told him I'd be working on it, this day.

You may wonder why Hiram is putting so much emphasis on some silly jingle. Well, when Hiram attended the Surprise Party's strategy session in the Catskills the leaders pointed out that in addition to a lack of funding most Surprise Party candidates have minimal name recognition.

To remedy this latter problem the candidates are urged to write letters to editors, take speaking engagements, obtain interviews on NPR and other elctronic media, utilize the free services of the Internet and to have a CAMPAIGN SONG.

It was also pointed out that instead of paying royalties, or risking a lawsuit from a composer/publisher for an existing copyrighted song, the candidate should choose a formerly copyrighted song. A song that would now be in the Public Domain and free to use, make changes to, rewrite, and not owe anyone a plug nickel.

Further, the Surprise Party candidates learned that all songs that were published in the United States prior to 1923 are now in the Public Domain and are free, free, free, forever for anyone's use.

I've looked at a list of some of these pre-1923 ditties. Many are duds, others are silly duds. Yet, there are a few that we still use and consider to be standards. Well, such as: Danny Boy, Won't You Come Home Bill Baily, St. Louis Blues.

Steve, the quirky brother of Hiram, and I have conferenced and have found a Public Domain tune that we want to work with. It is titled: Ja-da, Ja-da. It was written by Bob Carleton and published in 1918. Steve suggested that we have a contest for the parody of the song that would best enhance Hiram's campaign.

The contest is open to all customers of the Hope Cafe and to readers of this blog who are not current political office holders, or employees of the Hope Cafe. The first two words of your entry must be Hiram, Hiram, instead of Ja-da, Ja-da. Otherwise, let your creative juices flow.
The original lyrics are as follows:

Ja-da, Ja-da,
jada jada, jing jing jing.

Ja-da, Ja-da,
jada jada, jing jing jing.

That's a funny little bit of melody.
It's so soft and appealing to me.

It goes Ja-da, Ja-da,
jada jada, jing jing jing. (End of song)

The first place winner will receive a heaping bowl of Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding on each Monday for a year. Contest entries must be received by 04/01/2007.

Post any 'comments', below. To email: claimsmith@aol.com

Will Fred Thompson run?

2007-03-13T09:48:00.000-04:00

The onset of Daylight Savings Time threw a monkey wrench into our daily 6:00 AM roundtable. It just seemed too early, too dark and too cold to get to Hope on schedule.

Today, I did improve and arrived at 6:05. Josh Rugby, the sports writer, beat me by a minute and, of course, Hiram and Faith had been in place since 5:30.

Hiram was ranting a bit about 'undecided' candidates. "Its kind of expected that Newt and Al Gore would hang back, but why should Senator Hagel and former senator Thompson have press conferences to announce that they 'don't know' whether they are running? Procrastination is not my game. As someone famous once said---I'm the decider."

That was a good point and Faith brought up another. "If Fred Thompson leaves Law and Order for a higher calling, who will be the Big Apple's new District Attorney?" She answered her own question. "Of course, Jack McCoy. He has been an assistant for over ten years and deserves the promotion."

"Is that a promotion?" I asked. " The DA speaks only 5 or 6 lines per episode while the Assistant DAs carry the show." It is amazing how we can mingle real and fictional people, merge true facts and fake ones, and consider it all to be genuine and authentic, as long as we are entertained.

Josh had another idea. "I would bring back Abbie Carmichael (Angie Harmon) and make her the new DA. That would help the ratings and show that there is no glass ceiling holding the women back. Jack McCoy would have to adjust to the new boss, whom he previously ordered around. There would be some, hmmm, tension."

Slowly, we drifted to another subject as Josh started complaining about several very good basketball teams who failed to get an invitation to the Big Dance. Hiram interrupted and reminded me to call his brother, Steve, and for us to make haste in preparing a campaign song.

By 6:45 AM, it seemed that we had solved at least a few of the world's problems.

Post any 'commemts' below. To email: claimsmith@aol.com

Biography of this presidential candidate

2007-03-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

We interupt this ongoing saga of Hiram's run for the Presidency, to acquaint you with a bit of his background:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Who is HIRAM J. HOPE?

Born in rural Ohio in 1964, legend has it that Hiram is a distant decendant, grand-cousin, of the great comedian, Bob Hope. In early adulthood, Hiram tried to confirm such a link, but found that the only funny people among his ancestors were rodeo clowns.

Hiram's daddy, Sinbad, was a railroad man and his mom, the former Bambi Leaper, taught school and was a dancer. Hiram had three older siblings, one of each gender.

Hiram was educated in the Ohio public schools and then matriculated to Ohio Tech where he was student manager and physical therapist for the debate team. Because of Sinbad's railroad job the Hopes moved around a bit, but they never seemed to get off track.

Tired of the nomadic life, Sinbad moved the family to Snapsville in 1985 where he purchased the Hope Cafe, now owned and managed by Hiram. Sinbad and Bambi are now retired to Arizona and are undecided whether to vote for Hiram or Senator McCain.

Two of the older siblings are in Tibet finding themselves and each other, but brother Steve Foster Hope resides in Snapsville. He is a budding, somewhat quirky, songwriter. Hiram believes that every president is entitled to an odd, eccentric, brother. Steve has a wife and a six-year-old son, Foster. Hiram's young nephew loves to bus tables (and pick up tips) but Hiram is afraid of getting pinched, for violating child labor laws.

In 2004, Hiram married his first and only wife, Stormy, a former Miss Kentucky. Hiram is now the only presidential hopeful with a known pregnant wife. Stormy is approaching four months.

Hiram has been a member of most local civic organizations, including the Toastmasters, and he serves as a deacon at Third Pentacostal Church of Snapsville. He loves to stay out front, at the cafe, schmoozing with customers while Stormy cooks and risks dishpan hands.

Hiram is now the official 2008 presidential candidate of the Surprise Party.

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The political party? It's a Surprise.

2007-03-08T11:19:00.000-05:00

While most of Snapsville received Hiram's presidential announcement with mild amusement, in some quarters it was received with shock and awe. No one really knew the background or the motivation for such a decision. Yesterday, I had a chance to sit down, privately, with the candidate and hear the details. I stayed silent as Hiram spoke.

HIRAM: "Four weeks ago I went missing from Snapsville. I had received an invitation to attend a clandestine political seminar being held in the Catskills. It was being moderated by an old college buddy, John Shumaker. John is now chief of operations of The Surprise Party--- a lesser known but legitimate political party. 'Surprise' ran a presidential ticket in 2004, but they were then in only three states. Now, they are in seven.

"The candidate chosen for the upcoming 2008 run, has taken ill. He has bilateral restless leg syndrome. Under the circumstances and since it is believed that I am reasonably fit, John has asked me to run in his place. After some arm twisting, I accepted, even though I now feel like I have restless arm syndrome.

"The Surprise Party expects to be on the ballot in twenty some odd states by November 2008. That's a significant increase, and we can make an impact--- at least affecting the voting and issues in the two major parties. We are presently working on the platform and on selecting the campaign song and the party's bird. You can help us with these tasks. Tomorrow, I will give you a copy of my bio so that you can help distribute it. Thanks."

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Political mistakes

2007-03-04T12:03:00.000-05:00

It took a couple of days to sink in---that Hiram seriously thinks he can make a run for the Presidency. Yet, he already is making major mistakes. For instance, his initial announcement was made Thursday mornng and the deadline for the local newspaper, the Postscript, is each Wednesday at noon. The paper comes out each Friday. This means it will be March 9th before the newspaper story hits the street.

The Postscript does have an online edition that no one seems to read. By accident, though, a preschooler clicked the site and observed this headline:

Local raconteur seeks White House

The tot thought the word used was 'racketeer' and told his mom. A few minutes later Hiram received a call informing him that the Postscript had called him a crook.

There were other mistakes.

One reason Hiram married Stormy, some three years ago, is the fantastic and rapid banana pudding that she concocts. Mondays are traditionally slow days in the restaurant business. Mondays and inclement, snowy, rainy, days.

Stormy decided to feature the dish on these slow days calling it---Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding---and each hour on Mondays she plays the familiar Carpenter's recording. Monday has became Hope's busiest and most crowded day and even the truckers now leave the interstate and drive the five miles to the square. They try to park their big rigs near Hope where large parking spaces are limited. As one trucker put it, "Having terrific digestion maks it worth having traffic congestion, anytime."

The point here is that Hiram should have made his announcement at lunch-time on a Monday when the place was packed, rather than in the early morning, on a puddingless day, before the seven of us.

Oh, yes! another mistake---Hiram has asked me to serve as his campaign manager. And a final mistake---I have accepted.

If you don't live in or near Snapsville, follow our frequent reports, posted two or three times each week.

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The Announcement---to run for President

2007-03-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

For the past month, my friend, Hiram Hope, has been acting bizarre. Hiram operates the Faith, Hope and Charity Cafe, which is in the center of, on the square, in downtown Snapsville.

Hiram's wierd behavior started when he first learned that the Snapsville Mall planned to lease-out space for a Starbucks. Although the Mall is nearly three miles away Hiram has been concerned that he will take a huge hit with each morning's business. The Cafe was renovated and repainted an ivory color about five years ago. Since then its been known as the New White Hope Cafe or simply Hope on the Square.

We, old guys usually have a 6:00 AM roundtable there. By that time Hiram's wife, Stormy, is in the back mixing pancake batter and such and the waitress, Faith, is flirting with the early customers including our group. 'Faith' is not her real name but Hiram insisted that she go by 'Faith' in order to fit in with the cafe's oriiginal name.

We have all insisted to Hiram that he should not sweat Starbucks and that their customers are a different breed entirely. The more we stay on that subject, the more anxious Hiram becomes.

Talk about bizarre, two weeks ago Hiram went to the unemployment office and hired two rather obese ladies to stand on the sidewalk in front of Hope. Each lady stood beside a table and the tables were covered with cups of hot coffee. One table's cups were labelled 'Starbucks Tall' $1.65, and consisted of Starbucks 'smallest' cup size. The other table displayed Hope's sixteen-ounce brimming cups which were labelled 'Hope's cups stand taller, like a tower, $.75.'

As potential customers approached the Starbucks table lady would hand the customer a Starbucks cup and at the same time smiling, "Please have a tall one."

Then, the Hope table lady would approach and forcefully interrupt, "You call that tall? Let me show you a 'real' tall." It was kind of a Crocodile Dundee moment without the knife. The potential customers were entertained by the clever stunt but not too many mid-morning coffee seekers actually wanted to imbibe sixteen additional ounces of hot caffiene. Hiram let the two ladies carry the untouched, unused, cups back to the unemployment office where the brew was joyously received.

Last week, though, takes the cake. I don't think Hiram has Bipolar disease, but if he does he was having a very manic moment. We came in for the 6:00 AM roundtable and found four large American flags were situated behind a desk. Chairs had been placed, in a semi-circle, in front of the desk and the juke box was playing Elvis' rendition of 'Battle Hymn.' Hiram's six-year-old nephew, Foster, was taking pictures with Hiram's cell phone.

Already seated were Josh Rugby, sports writer for the Snapsville Postscript, Reverend Ross of 3rd Pentecostal and Father Hopkins of Our Lady of the Mountain Dew. Hiram, looking somber, asked that we be quiet. He then strolled behind the desk, stared at us and began:

HIRAM: "My fellow Americans, my friends, my customers, my spouse and my employee---do not laugh! I am announcing my candidacy for the presidency of the United States.---Whoa! Do not laugh! I have consulted at length with my loving wife, Stormy, and with Reverend Ross and I have spent many hours researching the Web. I have ordered a kit for $29.95 that explains how to get on the ballot in all 50 states and how to raise substantial money from the Internet. Soon, I will get into my platform shoes and we can go over the issues.

Meanwhile, I want to appoint and deputize each of you as members of my inner-circle, as my handlers, as my spokesmen. Faith, my waitress, has some literature for you.

So, as you leave, walk by Faith. That's our strategy for now---to walk by Faith".

These events, folks, are presently occurring in Snapsville. Hiram, although an unknown, fancies himself running for President along with Obama, Hillary, John Edwards, Rudy, Mitt, McCain and the pack. It is our goal to keep you updated on this amazing, breaking story with reports once or twice each week. Remember, the central characters along with their relatives, friends and associates are fictitious, as is the town of Snapsville.

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