tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78672042010936284632008-07-01T22:26:34.711-05:00D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-53542766645452644312008-06-30T20:34:00.004-05:002008-06-30T21:00:27.692-05:00

(RIKERS ISLAND, NEW YORK) - Former midstate shock jock Bruce Bond is up to his old antics again, this time as morning host at the official radio station at the Rikers Island jail. Days after Bond was incarcerated for allegedly running a $4.3 million international check-forging scheme, star disc jockey Farnsworth "Sharky" Johnson was released, creating a morning drive opening on KLINK 104. Bond's

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-65871727069418133002008-06-23T15:05:00.000-05:002008-06-23T20:55:02.658-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Prostitutes who work the streets of Harrisburg report that gas prices have forced many of their clients to cut down on the number of hummers they purchase. "Some of our best customers who were coming by for 8 or 10 hummers a week are now having to settle for 2 or 3," said Trixie Van Wilburstamp, a hooker who frequents State Street. For some prostitutes, the most drastic change is

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-43910312626428497672008-06-23T10:56:00.002-05:002008-06-23T20:56:18.274-05:00

Wonderful stuff as always. I just heard WGAL report that a new study shows that teen tobacco use affects their brains. Another thing to blame on cigarettes. Seems like everything bad today is caused by cigarettes. N.B. Unless it was a report from George Lettis (a.k.a. "The Tom Brokaw of WGAL"), be skeptical. Either way, please be assured that there are indeed numerous other sources of evil aside

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-41788076121271829682008-05-27T04:00:00.005-05:002008-05-27T06:26:00.002-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year. "We feel we owe it to the people of Pennsylvania to set reasonable goals," said Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi (R-Kinda' Shady). "Plenty of bills are in line awaiting action

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-71464650671240757232008-05-20T21:17:00.000-05:002008-05-20T20:26:08.923-05:00

(STEELTON) - After 41 years of living a heterosexual lifestyle, Dan Maddox of Steelton became gay this week. The switch and subsequent declaration to family and friends came within days of his recent purchase of a red 2008 Mini Cooper. Maureen Maddox, his wife, said she grew suspicious when Dan was watching television one night recently. "He has always been a humongous hockey fan. But instead of

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-466675498614611322008-04-28T21:04:00.003-05:002008-04-29T07:29:03.539-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg today entered into an agreement that makes Cheez-It crackers the official Communion wafer of all 89 parishes within the diocese. Kellogg Co. landed the contract, the terms of which are eternal, by edging out a competing bid from Nabisco, which had put forth its famous Ritz brand crackers for consideration. Among the deciding factors for

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-88564605269233668292008-04-28T19:14:00.002-05:002008-04-28T21:35:32.679-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - A Gazelle analysis of primary election results from across Pennsylvania shows Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had beer-and-whiskey-swillin' country-music-lovin' God-fearin' Perry-County-type folk in her court on election day. Meanwhile, voters most loyal to Barack Obama were largely latte-sippin' too-good-for-you-academic-type upper-crust-and-well-learned once-upon-a-time-hippies. "

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-32281354107412764392008-04-22T08:30:00.001-05:002008-04-22T08:57:01.416-05:00

(LEWISBERRY) - Arthur Nestler, a poll worker at the Lewisberry Park Building polling place, just crapped his pants. Nestler, 89, said the incident occurred a short time ago when he leaned over to pick up a stack of provisional ballots that had fallen onto the floor. "Sonofabitch," said Nestler. Brenda Nestler, Arthur's wife, is bringing a new pair of briefs and a pair of freshly-pressed slacks

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-49671315369051531392008-04-13T13:36:00.008-05:002008-04-13T13:59:03.705-05:00

BEERS...to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for agreeing to take part in the Compassion Forum, an event right in our back yards that will focus on religion. If there's one thing we small-town Central Pennsylvania folk cling to more than our guns it's the baby Jesus, and the lack of mentions said savior has been receiving on the campaign trail has been a sin. Health care, the economy and the war

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-85575140572149293122008-03-30T13:50:00.002-05:002008-03-30T14:10:57.230-05:00

(HANOVER) - Presidential candidate and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama will transform a Ku Klux Klan rally planned here for Monday into a "Rally For Change." A campaign official said it is part of Obama's larger goal of winning over some of the county's high concentration of white supremacist voters. "If we're going to win over Central Pennsylvania, we're going to need a good chunk of the hate vote,

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-50341167633662374832008-03-30T13:36:00.003-05:002008-03-30T13:49:40.964-05:00

I'm hoping there have been no posts to your site because you are vacationing somewhere warm. If not and your mind has been erased, well that's a bummer. I miss your biting humor! S.S. Are you terminally ill? If not, I need my monthly fix of outrageous Harrisburg satire. Otherwise, so sorry! P.M. I feel you deserve an explanation in the form of the truth, so here is what caused my hiatus: One

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-91088816366410931002008-02-18T20:44:00.004-05:002008-02-18T21:11:11.563-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In a move rarely seen in the political arena, Governor Ed Rendell today announced he was withdrawing his endorsement of Senator Hillary Clinton and would instead throw his support behind Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, who dropped out of the presidential race last month. "After I recently noted that Barack Obama's electability is limited in Pennsylvania because he's

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-9921560226647254082008-02-12T20:10:00.000-05:002008-02-12T20:29:42.453-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - PennDOT shut down a stretch of Interstate 81 in Dauphin County this evening and transformed it into a paid-admission skating rink, much to the chagrin of motorists who were forced to find an alternate route. "I heard about it on the TV [news], but I didn't realize it was for real," said Carlisle resident David Jarrens. "I just assumed the reporter was using the same old tired

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-28178713618054602782008-01-30T21:49:00.000-05:002008-01-30T22:12:40.108-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll. The pair announced to reporters that they have been "fooling around, on and off" for at least two months. "It's

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-42170823365731864892008-01-21T21:15:00.000-05:002008-01-21T22:10:10.053-05:00

You must retaliate for the "Jeers" given to you by the Patriot-News [...] for the Horse-to-Glue piece. C.S. First, C.S., thank you for pointing this out. I missed it entirely, as I seldom read Mr. Troutman's column. For those of you who were also lucky enough to overlook it, Mr. Troutman refers to my "fake Farm Show spoof" and laments that the editor of this site remains anonymous, therefore "

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-4679564335684123362008-01-14T21:47:00.000-05:002008-01-14T22:15:31.103-05:00

(PENBROOK) - A Penbrook man has changed his stance on abortion from "extremely pro-life" to "vehemently pro-abortion," the apparent result of a recent blow to the head. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years," Ted Small said. "This incident has made me stop and realize that abortion can be a beautiful thing." Small was pushed from the hood of his car while protesting at a

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-32803153320669041382008-01-14T21:30:00.000-05:002008-01-14T21:44:38.935-05:00

(HARRISBURG) -- Mayor Stephen Reed today declared a state of emergency for the city of Harrisburg due to the appointment of Linda Thompson as City Council president. "This day is on par with the Rapture, only much worse," Reed said. In an interview from his home, Jesus Christ agreed with Reed. "Yeah, this is definitely a setback for Harrisburg," Christ said. "Lord knows, I'll be praying for

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-79075297710479322112008-01-06T10:55:00.000-05:002008-01-06T11:33:36.296-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In a move state agriculture officials said is designed to "throw a new twist" into the Pennsylvania Farm Show, the Sheep-To-Shawl Contest is being replaced this year by the Horse-To-Glue Contest. "Much like the name would suggest, teams will be on the clock to turn a horse into a quart of glue as quickly as possible," said Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff. Each team's first

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-75791434341929741692007-12-31T00:03:00.000-05:002007-12-30T22:54:55.520-05:00

Publisher D. Editor announced today that 2007 was the most successful year The Central PA Gazelle has ever had. The publication began publicating on December 23, 2006, with a skeleton staff of one person. "It all started with a dream," D. Editor said. "I dreamed I could start a blog dedicated to sexual relations with farm animals. Upon discovering that idea was taken by approximately 763 other

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-17688173749330579192007-12-19T20:24:00.000-05:002007-12-19T20:40:27.551-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner today released findings from a recent review he conducted of his own personal finances. In doing so, Wagner issued himself a scathing rebuke for a range of concerns including pricey health club memberships and the amount of money he has spent this year on Christmas gifts. "I can't believe it," Wagner said, in a self-reprimanding tone. "I

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-74876443630304767172007-12-09T15:03:00.000-05:002007-12-09T15:44:27.381-05:00

(STATE COLLEGE) - After a five-year court battle, the Pennsylvania State University was forced to admit that it pays football coach Joe Paterno, an apparent vampire, not in cash but rather in blood extracted from freshman students who are kept chained up in his basement. According to the Pennsylvania State Employees' Retirement System, Paterno's base salary this year will amount to 1,100 pints

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-35894269504493181442007-11-17T14:57:00.000-05:002007-11-17T15:10:49.182-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - A former 10-term Democratic state lawmaker was arraigned this week on charges that he failed to shave before having his official photograph taken for the state House of Representatives website. "Frank LaGrotta desecrated the American flag by posing in front of it with a blatant 5 o'clock shadow," said Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett, flanked by a four-foot-by-five-foot

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-69507520889510239072007-11-17T13:57:00.000-05:002007-11-17T15:21:11.573-05:00

(DALLAS, TX) - Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today auctioned off his concept of building a museum full of western artifacts to a man from Cheyenne, Wyoming, who purchased the idea for $1.75 million. "I'm a huge history buff and I love the Wild West," said John Steil, who cast the winning bid. "It just never occurred to me to build a museum about the West. In fact, I don't think it occurred to

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-68238454216754133062007-11-05T21:26:00.000-05:002007-11-05T21:38:12.733-05:00

(LANCASTER) - Dozens of people took to the streets here today to run for a good cause: other people who run for a good cause. The First Annual Lancaster Charity Run Walk/Run is designed to raise money for individuals who take part in walking or running events for various charities. "I'm out here in memory of my dad," said Brent Houlihan of Gap. "He was taking part in an American Cancer Society

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-25181643254202110952007-11-04T21:05:00.000-05:002007-11-04T21:55:52.261-05:00

The editorial board wishes to thank those who entered submissions in the inaugural Central PA Gazelle "Add A Caption" Contest. The above photo drew scads of entries ranging from delightfully clever to downright whacked-out-on-crack. And the winner is..."Man, Woman, Dog Donate Organs to Keep Knoll Running." It was submitted by J.K. Nice going, J.K.! You have won the right to tell all of your

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.com