Reflective Ramblings

Aunt L

2005-11-26T19:01:00.000-05:00

As any reader of my blog can tell I don’t have many good memories in my life to share. But, I do have a few and they revolve around my favorite Aunt. She centers nearly every nice moment in my past.

Gifts of pretty dresses, mittens, woolen caps and necklaces. Allowing me to stay in her home when I had nowhere else to go. Giving me the only two birthday cakes I ever had and lots of great holiday dinners with music by the piano and money to get me by during a rough time. These are all pleasant, enjoyable reflections that I will never know how to repay. How do you repay someone for the best memories you ever had?

I feel very blessed to have had such a generous relative in my life and I thank God for allowing me to know her.

Thank You Aunt L

Memories

2005-10-02T13:26:00.000-04:00

Born October 2nd 1956. I am now 49 years old, going through menopause, trying to hold down a job and keep what’s left of my sanity.

Its funny how memories can make you so sad…thinking about when I was 4 and 9 makes me want to cry a lot of the time. When I was 4 my mother accidentally pushed me down the stairs. I hit my head on the door at the bottom of the staircase…it knocked me out for a while, when I came to she was calling my oldest brother on the phone to come and look at me. He came of course, looked me over and talked to mother. I could hear them talking about me…saying things like, it could have hurt me and I should see the doctor…I don’t know what was wrong with mom…she was crying and talking about me being too smart and how the boys were not as smart as me when they were little… in a "tone" that sounded to me, as though my mother didn’t like me much.

My sitter who later became my sister-in-law, use to hit me with a belt when I would do things she didn’t like…it wouldn’t take much to get her mad at me …most of the time it was because I left my toys in the floor or because I wouldn’t eat what she fixed or get dressed when she told me too. My mother never did anything about it.

After I started school, I had a different sitter, an older cousin of my mother…that woman wouldn’t even let me play. I had to sit on the couch and be totally quiet. If I sassed her… as she called it …she would lock me in the bathroom as punishment. One time she put me in there, and left me in there for 4 hours. I was a scared, cold and hungry. I covered up with an old towel, climbed into the bathtub and fell asleep. Mom again…never did anything about it.

My brothers are way, way older than me. They were all married when I was little. For some reason … that I can’t remember, I had to go stay at my second brother’s house one time. This particular sister-in-law made me go outside and sit on the porch…she said it was because she didn’t want me waking her daughter up. I was supposed to sit there…not play, get up or make noise until my brother got home. She too left me there for hours, but at least she brought me a glass of water once and sat it down next to me. Gee!
I got in trouble after I was taken home…I told mom about my sis in law not liking me…she spanked me with a hickory stick until my legs bled…she thought I was lying. Mom spanked me! …it was my sis in law that needed the punishment.

We went out of state to visit with my parents' family for some reason one year. Mom left me with her younger sister for a while. After my mom had gone, she said to me… “I don’t know what to do with you”. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV…I even promised to be real quiet and just sit there…. "Oh no" she said…”I cant let you do that, I have things to do”…. so she made me go out in the back yard. There was nothing to do out there, nowhere to sit, nothing to play with. So I said “Where should I go? What can I do”? She replied “I don’t know…just go over there!” (waving her hand). So, there is where I went and stayed for three hours… I stood there waiting for my mother to get back. It had started to drizzle rain…she didn’t even come to check on me. Did mom do anything about her sisters so called hospitality? NO!

My mom and dad were having BIG problems nearly all of my childhood. These affected me in many ways, but one incident still stands out. My mom wanted to give me away! She had arranged for me to be fostered out to a well-known family in our hometown. I didn’t realize what was happening when I went to meet them, until I got there. The lady was very nice when she said, “you will be our little girl” and I unknowing replied, “I don’t think I could do that, mommy would be mad at me”. I was supposed to stay there for 2 hours until someone could come back to get me…but after about an hour of being so sad, the lady called my mother to come and pick me up. She came…and was upset with me because I didn’t stay the whole 2 hours. Walking home I remember her telling me…where she was going she couldn’t take me…she had to go alone…and maybe she would come back for me in a few years, when I got older. Then to make things worse…when we got home, here comes my third brother, sitting down to talk to me, telling me that its all for the best. This is what I need to do. Stupid me ask him to let me stay there, with him; after all he was my brother. "No" he says, he has children of his own and can't take care of me. I died; right there, I just died. I had three grown brothers and my mother felt she needed to give me to strangers.

I supose, in her own way, she wanted the best for me. But this memory has hurt me all my life.
Although I never understood mama...I loved her anyway.

Think I come from a dysfunctional family? Its highly possiable!

I could tell lots more and maybe I will someday. I don’t know why no one liked me. I was just a sad little girl. Trying to get through childhood.

Sometimes memories just aren’t very funny!

Today...

2005-06-09T18:43:00.000-04:00

Today is my son's 25th birthday. I love to reflect back on the day when I first held that 21.5 inch_ 8.8 lb bundle in my arms for the first time. Now he is 6 foot tall and weighs in at around 230 (wow)!

Today is also a good day for my fiancée and I. We found out that the court ruled in his favor, he will no longer be obligated to pay his ex 2,000 dollars a month. "Yippee"!
If or when he can go back to a gainful employment she will have to take him back to court and file for the more reasonable need maintenance payments. In Martha Stewarts words " That's a good thing ".

Today my ex-husbands father headed for the pearly gates. I am sure he will be missed.

June 9th 2005... This has been an historical kind of day for my little family and I.

help

2004-09-09T02:24:00.000-04:00

Why do attorneys over charge? Why does the defendant always have to pay? Why does the court take advantage of an antiquated law?

My fiancée is being taken to the poor house. A debtors prison state of existence, for his back alimony and his ex wifes attorney fees_ which (believe me) are very unreasonable... as I have mentioned before, my sweeties ex, has interfered in my life. But, she has ruined his. He will never have anything (she has made sure of it). He is not a well to do man. He is a regular guy, who (in the past) did well enough, in order to provide for the ones he loved.
An IT worker_ who is now approaching his 60's, stuck in a changed job market where he can't find the legacy work he was accustomed to, and is on the brink of an emotional and financial breakdown.

His ex got too greedy during the divorce, and the State awarded her more money than he could supply on a forever basis. Now the court wants to put him away. Plus, they think he is capable of continuing this farce_ a false, economically unjust life style, that the State of KY permitted her to exploit. Talk about justice being blind!

Don't you think that giving her way over $120,000.00 during the last 4 years is enough to pay? If you had given that much money to someone for doing nothing, and they turned on you, ceased your bank account and your payroll, caused you to lose your job after you had done everything, and I mean everything for them. What would you do? How would you handle it?

What happened to reasonable needs? Believe me...she is no Duchess, and does not deserve to be kept like one.

What can be done? We are beside ourselves with grief and despair. We live in an army bunker state of mind, constantly feeling like we are under the ex wifes guns.

If any one out there reading this can help... in any way...Please!
Email me.

love

2004-09-06T15:01:00.000-04:00

I feel the need to set things right today.
True! I have had a somewhat sad life.
But, I have to say "I am the happiest I have ever been" right now.
The past 3 years with my fiancee have been good to... and for me.

Oh_ we have our difficulties... Like the one where I mention his ex in my previous post happiness.

My sweetie is wonderful to me. He is kind, polite, well spoken, educated and has a mature calming influence on whiney ole` me.
I couldn’t ask for a better partner.

I love him.
Amen

Going My Way?

2004-09-01T11:33:00.000-04:00

I was once married to a loud mouth, overbearing, free spending and pushy... big bully type of a guy.
He talked too loud, too much, too often and to the wrong people.
He talked nice to just about everyone but me.
He drank too much and had a questionable reputation (if you know what I mean).
I fell for his lying sack of bull #$%$#@#…when we met, and (I know) I shouldn’t have married him.
He cursed me from the first day of marriage…and, he flirted with every skirt around.
His own daughter was accusing him of molestation and so was her sister…even his sister approached me with some awful story about him accosting her.
He would get angry at the littlest things, throw food at me, break stuff, pin me against the wall, choke, bite, lie to and about me... and some say he was trying to poison my son and me.

He has a way of luring people,confusing issues and twisting words. Giving just a little to try and get a lot. Always out for pleasure and gain. A Con-Man…to put it mildly.

Being associated with such a man set me up for a huge personal decline... it stifled my family life, health, job/employment opportunities, community status, and my financial development.

If you ever run into this character_don't believe or trust him.
Run the other way.

Happiness

2004-08-31T14:12:00.000-04:00

They say we make our own happiness.

As far back as I can remember. There have been people ready and willing to take happiness away from me. Most of my little successes have been stolen away.

I will start with a 5th grade experience. A classmate and I worked on a project for the science fair; we had split up the duties and had our family's helping us. A cousin of mine even chipped in some time. When it came down to judging day, my class mate and her family decided that I hadn't contributed enough to the project, went to the school and told them they didn't feel I deserved to be considered, and the award should not include me.
I did not know about this until the awards were passed out, and I was turned away on stage during the announcement. My heart was broken into... and I mean into (violated, invaded, degraded).

Again--Years later... at the end of my junior year, I was preparing to try out for the varsity cheerleading squad. This same family did me wrong again. They called my school and mentioned my name as being one that should not make it for the squad. Because, they felt it was time for their daughter to be a cheerleader, and since in previous years...I had already had my chance it should be given to her. This was devastating. Plus, I was turned away from every school activity for my up coming senior year.

My past is filled with experiences such as this. Time and time again people have run over me, and there was no way for me to stop them. Family, friends, husband, law enforcement, and job... you name it.

I am at a crossroad again. Being involved with a man who owes, and still has large financial obligations to an ex wife, can be very stressful to say the least. But, on top of all this, his ex wife ads insult to injury. By dragging my name, and my sons into court as if we are the reason she isn't getting her money. She calls and nags at my fiancée, as if they are still married. She has even come up with excuses to call... For instance, when she has mailed a bundle of junk mail. Why?
She is interfering in my life, family, future and general well-being.

This is all getting to be way too much.

I wanted to make my own happiness!

Presence

2004-08-30T09:04:00.000-04:00

I am nearly 50 (so they say).
I don't take a stand on any kind of issues... I don't interfere in other peoples lives, interrupt in conversations, try to make my presence known in a forum or even have a sense of style.
I never learned how!
It's a shame, too! I wanted and needed a role model when I was growing up... no one seemed to want the job though.

I think we would all like to do the right thing... I know I would. To be there for others... choose to count someone in and be able to count on someone.

My son is now 24... I 've always wanted him to have a good start in life... to have a sense of who he is... confidence and character... with a spark of self awareness... the kind needed to make a presence... so other people won't and don't blame or try to shame him for their inadequacies... just enough spark to ward off life's "little" bullies.
No one can do anything about the big bullys.

I can only hope that I have done right by my son, If I haven't... it isn't for the lack of not wanting to.

My Matrix

2004-08-11T21:11:00.000-04:00

Well...
I am unsure how to start this new blogging stuff...guess I will just reflect a little and see how it goes.

Have you ever been stuck in a matrix? I have! To me it was like being in a padded, suspended time warp during the early part of my adult life. A time that lasted over 12 years. That shouldn’t happen to anyone...and shouldn’t have happened to me. But it did.
I was 23 , a new single mom...no friends...no job...and not much family to speak of. I had to make money and take care of my son... I couldn’t afford to live on my own so me and my child stayed with my parents...
I went back to school and learned a vocation. Then...
tried for years and years to make a difference...be somebody and amount to something for my son's sake...the matrix I was in got thicker and harder to escape from...I couldn’t do enough for anyone. My parents, my employer, so-called friends, relatives.... it was like total non-acceptance...I felt laughed at and demeaned.

(Like a RedHeaded Step Child.)

I had a vision of the way I wanted my life and it wasn’t happening.
Feeling like every move I made, no matter how positive, only enabled those around me to throw dirt on my emotions and aspirations, and even me. They would throw dirt on me! Spreading slanderous rumors making ugly innuendo...
I would try and try to ignore and endure.

Oh! Gaud; How did I get there?

So much time had gone by in this continuum...my ideas were lost. Buried in the gook and gum of this matrix intra-cellular structure...

I got really mad one day and more or less threw my hands up in despair--then...feeling terribly, terribly angry...I suddenly broke free from the matrix by deciding right then and there...that I was going to make a move. A move that would change my life, and those that went with me, for the better.

The anger did it...I was fed up...I had gotten to the point where I hated everyone around me...I had to get out or die trying...

It took a lot out of me. It was a draining, yet somehow refreshing, experience...In a way I was reborn...a new beginning... a time to be me and a very liberating change...

I had escaped...
It was my Independance Day...

"Freedom of expression is the matrix, the indispensable condition, of nearly every form of freedom" (Benjamin N. Cardozo).

my new blogg

2004-08-04T21:55:00.000-04:00

ahhh! yes...
i did it .......