The Haunting Sense of Impending Failure

Happy 24th of July!

2008-07-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

"You! Boy! What day is this?"

"Me sir? Why it's Pioneer Day!"

For those of you who aren't from Utah, let me tell you about Pioneer Day. It's big. There's a big parade, and there's fireworks, and everyone has the day off, and all the businesses are closed, and everyone barbeques. It's like the 4th of July, except bigger.

Once, the summer after I graduated from high school, my friends and I camped out on Main Street to await the parade. (This was a long time tradition in Salt Lake--the party all night was a much bigger deal than even the parade the next morning.) So, we sat around and talked and ate and played cards and watched the dummies who were dragging up and down Main. And then, at about three in the morning, someone ran from the crowd into the street and taunted someone in one of the cars. The car stopped, the doors opened, and out came three guys with pistols and one with a shotgun. The taunter also pulled out his pistol, and then immediately a dozen plain-clothes police appeared out of the crowd, with their guns drawn. To clear the crowds, tear gas was tossed into a mob on the other side of the street, and all of us ducked behind stone planterboxes. It's little things like this that help us remember the sacrifices that the pioneers made, or something.

Anyway, I'm here in Minnesota, and I completely forgot about Pioneer Day until I called my parents a moment ago and they mentioned it. Lousy Minnesotans, neglecting the heritage of the West.

Marketing in Moab

2008-07-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

I know this will come as a shock to one and all, but here is a post that is actually about the MBA program. I know! It surprised me, too.

Every fall before class starts, MBAMA (the MBA Marketing Association) goes down to Moab for a weekend of frivolity and merry-making. The new first-year students come in, all wide-eyed and full of trepidation, and the second-years promptly toss them in the river.

Julianne Hall, the MBAMA Vice President of Something, asked several of us to write blurbs about how much we liked it, so she could email the newbies and give them our endorsements. I, of course, overlooked the part of her message that said "only 1-2 sentences," and I wrote a freaking novel. So, here it is in its entirety, since it likely won't get emailed to anyone.

First of all, let me just say that I hate Moab. I hate its weather (because, holy crap, it's 110 degrees). I hate its over-the-top commercialism (I like to imagine that there's a sweatshop in Burma, where six-year-old kids do nothing all day but apply Kokopelli decals to shotglasses). I hate its very philosophy (last year, I took along a copy of Edward Abbey's The Monkeywrench Gang just to offset all the weekend-warrior, the-world-is-my-roller-coaster nonsense).

I don't like to golf. I hate to mountain bike. And last year we slept in a hostel with overflowing toilets and no air conditioning. (I understand that we have a real hotel this time around.)

And yet, in spite of it all, I loved the Moab trip.

The way I see it, you can get acquainted with people in a few different ways. They can leap from their canoe into your raft, grabbing the straps of your life preserver to toss you into the Colorado River--you'd need to learn their name there so you can exact your revenge later. Or, you can clutch onto their leg as your open-air Hummer speeds along the edge of a cliff (all while the driver is turned around, chatting with you)--you'd need to know their name in that situation so that you can shriek it in terror. Or, you can sit in the shade of Delicate Arch, surrounded by red, wind-worn stone and a spectacular view of Canyon Country--you'd need to learn their name there so that you can say "Man, this is breathtaking." Or, I guess, you could learn someone's name while you're crammed tightly together in a too-small study room, wearing too-tight suit coats, while trying to do too much homework in too little time. I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd pick that last option.

You guys already know the features of the trip: recruiters, rafting, whatever. But the whole point is that I met Brian Steffen on that trip, and he and I instant message each other almost every day; I met Charlie Skinner on that trip, and he and I are interning at the same company; I met Julianne Hall on that trip, and now she's the person I email when I need to vent my frustrations; I met Terence Stephens on that trip, and now I read his blog religiously; I met Anthony Nielson on that trip, and we sat together at General Conference.

The MBA program is only tangentially about how well you can determine the value of stocks, or reduce transportation costs in a supply chain, or deduce the necessary sample size of your market research. The MBA program is about people--and not in a hollow networking way, but in the sense that your ability to succeed in the program (and the business world, and life) lies in the relationships you make with other people.

Come to Moab. I promise that it will be worth it. And I promise that I hate that city more than you do.

The Name Game

2008-07-16T07:31:00.001-07:00

So, my wife continues to be pregnant, and we're continuing to bat around name ideas. We're very pleased with our girl names (Marlo and Lindy), but we just can't find any boy names that we really like.

For quite a while, we thought that Benjamin Franklin Wells could work. Erin liked it because she liked the name Ben, and I liked it because then I could call the kid Hawkeye. (For you uncultured swine, Benjamin Franklin Pierce, aka Hawkeye, was one of the doctors on M*A*S*H.)

But now Erin's not as sold on it. I think she doesn't see the point in naming a kid Ben if I'm never going to call him Ben. (My son Sammy was referred to around our house as Mr. Pajamas for quite some time, but it's kind of faded lately. Holly was either Little Jo or Runty Gunterson.)

Anyway, Erin recently proposed a few new names to the mix, and I want you to see if you can pick out what's weird about them: Luke, Jesse, and Beau. Now let's think: aside from being thoroughly terrible names (Beau?) what do they all have in common? Any ideas?

Well, if you guessed "They're all from the Dukes of Hazzard", then you're right! She swears she didn't realize this, but I know better.

So, I have now proposed a few more names for her to consider: Rosco, Cooter, Enos, and Cletus. And, no matter what the actual name ends up being--and assuming it's a boy--I hereby vow to nickname this kid Boss Hogg. (Let's hope he grows up to be a lineman, rather than a concert pianist.)

Twine and Baseball

2008-07-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

So, I let the blogging go another solid week. If there's any silver lining to this cloud of laziness, it's that I blog here way more regularly than I do some other tasks (like returning emails, or taking out the garbage).

This last week has been quite busy. My friend Cameron, who graduated from the BYU MBA program in 2007 and now works for Ford, brought his family down from Michigan to visit over the 4th of July. It was great fun. Erin has recapped the week in great detail over at her blog (including lots of pictures), but here are a few highlights:

We saw the World's Largest Ball of Twine Made By Just One Man. Does that name seem a little long to you? That's because it used to be the World's Largest Ball of Twine, but then some dang punk kids in Kansas made their own ball of twine that was bigger. And then a jerk in Wisconsin, who goes by the precocious initials JFK (his name is James Frank Kotera), made the heaviest ball of twine. (That ball of twine also has a little friend, who is a ball of string named "Junior".) And, of course, there's some tool in Texas who built some other ball of twine. But I think he should be excluded from the running because he's a millionaire, and probably forced little kids build the twine ball in a sweatshop.

So, it raises the question: what the freaking heck? Of all the dreams in the world, why are all of these people aggressively seeking the title of Twine Ball Champion?

If I had to pick sides, I think I'd definitely choose the Darwin, MN twine ball. On the highway they have a sign that says "Welcome to Twine Ball Country", and they have the annual Twine Ball Days festival in August. That jerk JFK's twine ball never galvanized an entire community!

In other news, I spent three days this week in Naperville, IL, which is a suburb of Chicago. I've never been to Chicago before, and I must say that I quite liked a very small part of it (downtown), and quite disliked the rest. If you've been reading my blogs for years--and I imagine that none of you have--you'll know that I have an intense dislike for urban sprawl. I think the definition of crappy urban sprawl is: it takes more than two hours to drive from the suburbs into downtown Chicago. Holy crap. (More than once we commented that there are about four times as many people in the greater Chicago area than there are in Utah, total.)

But when we got into the city, what fun there was to be had! ConAgra treated all of us interns to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field, except that instead of sitting in the ballpark, we were at one of those rooftop places across the street. (Several former apartment buildings built bleachers on their roofs, and you have a magnificent view of the game--and all-you-can-eat awesome food, including Chicago dogs, Italian sausages, BBQ chicken, ribs, etc. My fellow intern Josh Gillett snapped these picture with his cell phone.

Now, regular readers of my blogs will no doubt remember that I couldn't care less about baseball. So, when another ConAgra employee (who I didn't know) sat next to me, he happily explained many of the rules and why baseball is awesome. For an hour, this man told me all about baseball, and how it's like chess. He even made me genuinely interested (though I don't know how long it will last). And then, after all that, I discovered that he's one of the four company presidents. As in, he reports directly to the CEO. Also: he'll be sitting in on my final presentation in August. So, now I'm just hoping that I didn't say anything too stupid, or had sausage stuck in my teeth.

(Really, that is one of the best things of this internship--we have great opportunties to meet with the top brass, and they're all very friendly and helpful.)

The Last Thirty Days

2008-07-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a good solid month since I last blogged.

Back when I was a teenager, I used to try to keep a journal, but I was really lousy at it. So, I'd write for about a week, and then forget about it for a month, and then try to get back into it. But I felt like so much had happened that future readers--I always wrote as though someone would eventually read it--would be completely confused. So then I'd have to write a big recap of everything that happened in the last month, to fill my future descendants in on all my exciting doings. And then, a month later, I'd come back to it and read what I'd said, and be embarrassed that future generations would hear about how enamored I was with Jenny Naylor, and so I'd tear all the pages out. Seriously, I think that journal has about four pages remaining. Nothing ever lasted long.

Anyway, the point of all that is to say that I'm going to recap the last month of Minneapolis.

The day after we got here, the air raid sirens went off and we thought the Germans were after us. But no, it was just a tornado. It never actually touched ground but the hail was nightmarish and it dented the roof of my car. (However, my car is a crappy piece of Korean tinfoil that dents when bugs hit the hood.)

My internship project is focused on Orville Redenbacher's kernels (as opposed to microwave popcorn). My whole life is popcorn. All day I read about expansion size and hybrids and unpopped kernels and mushrooms vs butterflies. I'm a popcorn salesman.

When we first arrived we got to go to a preview screening of Kung-Fu Panda, since several ConAgra products as co-branded (Kid Cuisine, Chef Boyardee, Orville Redenbacher's), and now my son is obsessed with it. As fanatical Holly was about Sleeping Beauty, Sam is about Kung-Fu Panda. He's the Dragon Warrior.

They have the world's most awesome grocery store here: Byerly's. It's carpeted, for crying out loud. It has all the regular stuff that a grocery store would have (a deli, a chinese place, a bakery, etc) but it's all really amazing quality. They even have a chocolatier area. And, the cheese section is phenomenal. (And, since our area is predominately Jewish, they have two butcher shops: a regular one and a kosher one.) I think it's neat.

It's really green here. Growing up in deserty Utah, I've always been of the mindset that if you live in an area with a lot of old trees, then you must be rich. Minneapolis must be full of millionaires! Also: there are rabbits and squirrels all over the place. (Several people here have described squirrels as rats with fluffy tails. But I like them.)

On Monday I took the corporate jet to Omaha and back, and I sat just behind the CEO. (I shook his hand and introduced myself, and he forgot about me an instant later.)

We visited Duluth and Lake Superior, and I later downloaded The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and now I know all the words. Would you like me to sing them to you?

I visited a factory that makes popcorn balls and fruit snacks, and it totally Willy Wonka. The machine was acting funny, and popcorn balls were flying all over the room.

If you would like to see pictures of some of my travels, go visit my wife's blog. And leave comments, because she wants people to leave comments. It's here.

Minnesota Day Four: Sioux Falls to Minneapolis

2008-05-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm tired and going to bed, so I'm not going to write much.

We're here! We rolled into town at about 4:00pm. Our apartment isn't anything awesome, but it's big and roomy and in a nice neighborhood.

Instead of taking the boring interstate from Sioux Falls, we headed north and took the Laura Ingalls Wilder Historic Highway. My wife is a big fan of Little House on the Prairie and, when we entered Walnut Grove and saw Plum Creek she nearly hyperventilated. There was a neat little museum there, which we toured, and a gift shop, which we patronized.

However, with or without Laura Ingalls, it was the most beautiful, idyllic drive I've taken in a long time. It was merely a long string of farms, but everything was magnificently green, and the farmhouses looked like they came straight out of a movie. Seriously, if any one of those farmhouses--and there were hundreds of them--were in Utah, it would be bought up instantly and converted into a thriving Bed and Breakfast. It was small town scenic to the nth degree.

And, of course, our camera is dead.

(In related news, yesterday we were noticing a lot of black ground, and wondering if a fire had recently come through. But it seemed like the fire was on every farm, in every field. We have since discovered that dirt is actually supposed to be dark brown/black, unlike the grayish clay and sand we have in Utah.) (I never expected that my culture shock would come via surprisingly-colored dirt.)

Anyway, I'm going to bed. And I'm not going to tell you the story wherein I drove around Minneapolis for over an hour--twice!--looking for a grocery store.

Trip to Minnesota, Day 3: Rapid City to Sioux Falls

2008-05-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

We'd planned to go to Wounded Knee today, and then toddle along the southern part of South Dakota for most of the way. However, the weather looked foreboding, so we nixed it. (Weather.com showed thunderstorms in Sioux Falls most of the day, but at 5:00pm it changed to Strong Thunderstorms, written in red.)

However, we still took several short detours, such as:

Badlands National Park. Halfway through, I asked Erin if she thought the Badlands really warranted National Park status--I just wasn't that impressed. However, then the road wound down into the middle of the rock formations, and--holy cow--it was neat. We stopped at the Visitor's Center, and my scaredy-cat son freaked out, frightened of the plush big horn sheep in the gift shop. So, I took him to the exhibits, and the freaked out about the dinosaur pictures.

Wall Drug. We had been seeing signs for this place for literally two hundred miles. Wall Drug signs first showed up in between Casper and Newcastle. Its billboards advertised everything from having a sherrif on duty to free donuts for Vietnam vets. So, when we passed Wall we got off the freeway and drove past Wall Drug. There were actually quite a few shops part of the Wall Drug complex, vaguely reminiscent of Jackson Hole. We didn't stop.

We ate lunch at Al's Oasis in Chamberlain. Sam lasted about three minutes in the restaurant before the taxidermy freaked him out and we left screaming. Erin and Holly stayed inside, and Sam and I sat on a bench in the lobby. Oddly enough, the waitress attended to me out there just as much as she would attend to any other customer--refilling my drink, bringing me to-go boxes, etc. She was extremely nice, as was the hostess, who came and chatted with Sammy. So, if you're ever in Chamberlain, SD, stop at Al's Oasis. It's great.

In related news, while Sammy and I were sitting in the lobby, I chatted with an old woman who was waiting for her husband. We had a really nice conversation, and she was just the kind of sweet old grandmother who pinches two-year-old's cheeks. Then I asked her where she was from, and she couldn't remember. She had Alzheimers. But she was very nice.

The Corn Palace! Erin made fun of me every step of the way, but I insisted that we get off the freeway and wind our way through Mitchell, SD. However, when we got there Erin agreed: it was awesome.

One interesting thing about today's drive was that it was extremely flat. We knew it would be, of course, but I didn't know how weird it would seem. Having lived all of my life in the west, I can think of few times I've ever been able to look in all directions and see nothing on the horizon. The plains of South Dakota actually gave me an eerie feeling. In Utah, if you ever are unable to see something on the horizon it means you're on the top of something--the middle of a mesa, or the summit of a mountain. I know it sounds weird, but I was genuinely creeped out by it.

In the afternoon, clouds set in. It never rained during the drive, but there were a ton of low clouds. By the time we got close to Sioux Falls, visibility was very low. I dropped off Erin and the kids at the hotel, and then left in search of a grocery store. While driving, I turned on local radio just in time to hear a tornado warning. So, I hurried back to the apartment to wait out the storm. (No worries... that was two hours ago, and it has since stopped raining.)

Anyway, we'll be in Minesota tomorrow!

Minnesota Trip, Day Two: See it. Feel it. Survive it!

2008-05-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

Today started with a continental breakfast in which my we only sprayed the bottom of the waffle iron--not the top--with non-stick spray, and then I spent the next ten minutes trying to scrape burned waffle out. So, awesome!

Today's highlights:

I'm not the only famous celebrity in Rapid City tonight. None other than Hillary Clinton was in town. Whilst driving around tonight looking for a grocery store I instead found a big rally with a few hundred people and about a million cops.

Custer is an awesome little town. We ate at the Baker's Cafe, and the hamburger buns were better than the hamburger. It was delicioso!

We stopped at Mt. Rushmore, and it was actually much cooler than I expected. I was thinking that it would be pretty much the same as looking at a postcard. Granted, that was about it, but it's just neat in real life. However, if you ever go and you ever think about taking the loop trail, don't. One side of the loop is a liesurely stroll--and then there are four thousand stairs. And then, when you're at the farthest point from the visitor's center, and when you're in the middle of the steps, your daughter will need to go potty RIGHT NOW!!!!

We tried to go to the Crazy Horse Memorial, but there were too many clouds and we couldn't see the mountain. Since arriving at the hotel and checking Wikipedia, I discovered that the Memorial isn't nearly as neat as we thought it was. So, no big loss.

I've been in tourist traps before--even big tourist traps like West Yellowstone or Santa Fe--but I've never seen anything like the road between Mt. Rushmore and Rapid City. There are all the usual things, like gift shops, helicopter rides, and bear pens, but the further we got away from the mountain the weirder things got: a snake pit, a kangaroo ranch, and a "Mystery Area" (slogan: "See it. Feel it. Survive it!")

Inside the drive-thru window of an Arby's, I saw a sign which read "Suggestive Selling Tips". I would assume they mean "Suggested Selling Tips", but maybe not. Maybe it's a really sexy Arby's.

Somewhere between Casper and Newcastle, Erin introduced me to the soundtrack of Wicked, and I liked it. For those who don't know, I'm a fan of musical theater, and worked many years in a theater. However, I've been reluctant to listen to Wicked, for one reason or another. And the verdict? The music is good, and I hate the story. I understand the concept: it's not unlike a fractured fairy tale, where we see the "true" story. But, I really hate the fact that the Wicked Witch is the only good person, and everyone else is screwed up. Sure, if you want to show us that Epseba is misunderstood and has a tragic past--great. But, do you have to make everyone else scummy in the process?

You know who that show is written for? Teenage girls. The entire point is: I'm not popular, but it's because everyone else is so evil, and they're all trying to tear me down, and whine whine whine. For the love...

But the music is good.

The main convenience store in Wyoming and South Dakota is the Loaf n' Jug.

Trip to Minnesota, Day One

2008-05-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

So, today we drove the first leg of the trip, from Provo to Casper, WY. It was relatively uneventful; Holly had no real troubles, though Sammy freaked out at being in the car for so long.

We didn't realize it beforehand, but the route took us by Martin's Cove. So, we stopped in for a few minutes--it was nearly closing time--and walked around. And then we tried to watch a short movie in the visitor's canter, and Sammy freaked out. He's two.

Here are a few thoughts about Wyoming:

The restaurant where we stopped for dinner had a smoking section. Seriously, Wyoming? What kind of crappy state still doesn't have Clean Air laws?

Most of of the Wyoming towns that we stopped in weren't much to look at, but Rawlins is really kind of neat. There were some amazing Victorian homes (that looked totally out of place), and a neat old prison that makes my Urban Decay-loving heart happy.

There was a statue at Martin's Cove honoring a 24 year old woman who was pulling a handcart. Her five-year-old kid was getting really sick, so she put the kid on her back, still pulling the handcart. And why was this woman doing the pulling? Because her husband was in the handcart, nearly dead. Holy crap, do I have an easy life.

We drove past the site of the Sand Creek Massacre. It's a little out of our way, but we talked about going to Wounded Knee tomorrow. We'll see if there's time.

In other news, Holly and Erin are long asleep, but my dang son is still awake. Go to sleep!

American Idol: El Fin

2008-05-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so American Idol was last night and I missed it again! As mentioned, we're moving next week, and I spent yesterday evening with my dad, brother, and brother-in-law playing games. In the other room, my mom--who has never watched American Idol until halfway through this season--voted for Little Davey ninety-two times. I'm like an American Idol missionary, spreading the good word and changing lives.

Anyway, since I can't comment on the show, I thought I'd share with you a couple predictions I made back in the day. Sure, my weekly predictions have been as prescient as in past years, but overall I think I did quite nicely.

This quote is taken from March 12th, which was all the way back at Week One:

As for long-range predictions: if we follow AI tradition, a guy will win this year . . . right now that would look like either David Archuleta or maybe David Cook. I hope it's neither.

But, the week before, back when they first named the top twelve, I made the following prediction, and I stand by it:

My current pick to win it all? No idea. My current pick to lose as #2? David Archuleta.

I hear that Davey did a lot better than David Cook last night, but I still think Cook has it in the bag. And I'm glad. I fully and completely admit that Davey is a great singer and extremely talented, but I've been bored with him since March, and I'd probably change the channel if he came on the radio. Blah.

ConAgra Travel Plans Set

2008-05-20T10:31:00.001-07:00

Well, the time is coming quickly for the internship, and I have a few more details than I had before. I will be working specifically on the Orville Redenbacher brand, though I don’t yet know what I’ll be doing. I should find out later this week.

We’ll be driving out there next week, leaving on Tuesday. We had thought initially about doing the whole drive in two days, stopping only once, since we could save money on hotels. (That would equate to about ten and a half hours a day.) However, rationality has prevailed—after all, I have two little kids and a pregnant wife. So, it’s being spread out into four days.

We’re also taking a more scenic drive than we’d initially thought. The original plan was to drive through the boring, flat cornfields of Nebraska. When we looked up the route on MapQuest, it said “Get on I-80. Head east for 1029 miles.” And, you know, that sounded awesome. So, instead, we’re going to head up through Wyoming and South Dakota, and we’ll see such things as Mt. Rushmore, the Black Hills, Badlands National Park, and maybe even Jewel Cave National Monument. Who knew there was so much to do in South Dakota?

And what will I do when I roll into Minneapolis? Well, I’ll spend one night in my new apartment, then kiss the wife and kids and fly to Omaha! Neat!

The Gloves Come Off, American Idol

2008-05-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

So, about fifteen minutes into the show last night I got a call from my neighbor, reminding me that I'd agreed to go play street hockey at 7:30! Curses!

Because of that unfortunate decision, I only saw the first four performances. Also, because of that unfortunate decision, I'm in eighteen kinds of pain this morning. I'm not exactly Mr. Fitness McHealthy, and street hockey not only requires a lot of energy, but you also get injured a lot. I think I slammed into the chainlink fence about seven times. Also, in a rather unpleasant turn of events, I got a splinter in my backside. Just so you know.

Either way, Syesha's going home. She's been in the bottom three/two forever, and I don't see that changing tonight. Personally, I think she's great, and I'd love to see her beat Davey Archuleta, but she won't. (Jason left last week, and we have to figure out where his fans will go. Jason's target demographic was thirteen-year-old girls who voted solely based on the dreaminess of the contestant. They will switch their allegiance to either Davey or David.)

Speaking of Davey, one part of the show that I did see was him on stage with the mayor of Murray. And, if there was ever anyone you don't want as a spokesman for Utah, it was that guy. He wore one of those goofy cowboy dress shirts with an American flag motif, and he had the world's largest handlebar mustache. No, America! We're not hicks!

And I imagine Cook is a lock to win it all.

In The Family Way

2008-05-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well, we heard about how BYU is kind of a baby factory, so we decided to join in the fun. Erin is officially on the nest.

Our current name ideas:

Girl:
Marlo Alley Wells
Lindy Colleen Wells

Boy:
Benjamin Franklin Wells (I agreed to this on the condition that I will never, ever call him by his real name. He'll always be called Hawkeye.)
Orrie Rex Wells

And, Erin and I are having a debate: If I sign an agreement to never drink Coke again (right now I drink it almost constantly) then I get to name a kid Barnaby. Erin hasn't yet signed off on the deal, but I'm completely committed.

If I Am Guilty I Will Pay, American Idol!

2008-05-07T04:52:00.000-07:00

Here's the odd thing about me and American Idol: I never watch the auditions--I hate when the judges make fun of the lousy singers. However, I love it when the judges make fun of the finalists. So last night, when Simon absolutely thrashed Jason, I was giddy as a school girl.

The highlights of the evening:

Lest anyone forget, this is what Duran Duran looks like. And they sing silly lyrics like "I'm hungry like the wolf". This is not a song that ages well, and is firmly in the realms of camp and kitsch. So, David Cook singing it, trying to keep up his cool, rocker image was a bad move.

Syesha was great. It's unfortunate that she didn't become great until this late in the season (starting the Andrew Lloyd Webber week), because most of the viewers had already picked favorites long before that. So, she'll end up in the bottom two like she always does.

Jason--goofy, giggling, pretty-boy Jason--sang I Shot the Sheriff in just about the worst song-choice disaster ever in the history of American Idol. For one thing, you just don't mess with Bob Marley (uh...unless, I guess, you're Eric Clapton), but if you're going to sing a song about (1) shooting someone, and (2) having a Sheriff hate you enough that he'd try to kill you in cold blood, then you'd dang well better be at least a little bit believable. Does anyone here believe that Jason would shoot anyone? Show of hands?

Davey Archuleta = Blah. Amazingly-talented, boring blah.

Okay, predictions: Syesha will be in the bottom two, because she's always in the bottom two. But she won't be leaving.

Who will be? Here was my prediction that I gave my wife during the show last night: Jason and Davey have just about the same demographic: 13-year-old girls. (Davey also brings in a few others--the Mormon vote, the good-singer vote, etc. Jason brings in the pot-smoking vote, and the stupid-person vote.) Anyway, Davey's performances were almost exactly as good as they always are, which translates into nothing special. Jason, on the other hand, sucked. And Simon told him to pack his bags. And, like last week with Syesha, Simon's prediction will probably buy Jason some votes. In fact, I was predicting that Jason would get all the fanatical 13-year-old votes, stealing them away from Davey, leaving Davey as the surprise exit.

However, then Davey brought out the big guns. It was the last song of the night, and he looked right at the girls on the front row and sang "Love Me Tender"--the first time he's ever sung a real love song on the show. And all the 13-year-olds' hearts went a-flutter. So, because of that, he's safe.

Which means: Syesha and Jason in the bottom two, and Jason goes. It's about dang time.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers, American Idol

2008-04-29T21:12:00.001-07:00

It's week five, and here are the highlights:

Paula looked completely nuts. And, when she could have saved it--when she could have said "Oh, by 'second song' I meant David Cook's song, not a second by Jason", she just continued on with her drunken confusion, replying that she thought Jason had sung twice.

Jason stinks, but all the girls love him. But do they love him enough? I think his time has run out.

I wonder what AC/DC would think if they saw David Cook wearing an AC jacket and carrying an AC guitar--and singing Neil Diamond! (Also, one has to wonder if the fact that it was just AC--not AC/DC--is because he was referring to himself, David Cook, as DC. If so, that's even dumber than when he wrote "Give Back" on his hand.)

Brooke did well! And by "well" I don't mean great, but I mean that she didn't look trembling and scared during her first performance, and her second performance was really good!

Incidentally, Neil Diamond told Brooke to change "New York City" to "Arizona" in I Am, I Said. That's great, but then when she's singing about being in Los Angeles, she says she's "lost between two shores". What's the other shore? Lake Mead?

David is great and B-O-R-I-N-G. Honestly, does anyone care anymore? For a long time I've said he'd be in the top two, but I don't think so anymore. I think he'll either go in the top three, or be a surprise loss in the top four. BECAUSE NO ONE CARES.

And Syesha was awesome, and Simon said she's in trouble. He might be on to something: she's always in trouble, even when she does really well. However, Simon's comment at the end of the show--that she might be leaving tomorrow--probably spurred people to vote for her. So, I think she's safe.

My favorite Neil Diamond lyric: I am, I said/To no one there/And no one heard at all/Not even the chair.

My second favorite Neil Diamond lyric: Money talks/But it don't sing and dance/And it don't walk.

Predictions: the bottom two will be Brooke and Jason. And, if there's any justice in the world Jason will go. And, if there isn't any justice, it will be Brooke. And... I'm guessing Jason is gone. Admittedly, this is tainted by my personal preference, but I honestly think it's about 50/50. So, I say Jason.

You must love me, American Idol

2008-04-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

We're down to the final six! Halfway done!

Tonight is Andrew Lloyd Webber, which only reinforces in my mind the fact that they're trying to find the next Josh Grobin, not the next pop star. Which is not to say that I don't like Webber. On the contrary, Evita is probably my very favorite musical. I just think that (as evidenced by the judges comments) the ability to sing Broadway showtunes does not necessarily equate into the ability to sing pop radio.

Anyway. On we go!

Syesha was awesome. Even better than usual. However, even when she's awesome, she's in the bottom three. So... I think she might be there again.

And then Jason sang Memories, which is a stupid, overdone song. My favorite part of the judging was when Randy acted like it was extremely obvious that the singing was terrible. It was something to the effect of "You know how awful that was, so let's talk about something else." And Jason actually seemed surprised, like he didn't think it was awful. It made me laugh. Will the bad reviews hurt dreamy Jason and his dreamy eyes? I think he'll be in the bottom three, but he'll be safe.

Brooke (who, again, I love) started, stopped, and then re-started. She did this a couple weeks ago, too. Oddly enough, Paula was critical of it, but Randy and Simon liked the restart. Weird. Anyway, she was shaky and lacked confidence, which seems to be the story of her American Idol experience. Considering how well she started out, this is very surprising.

Then it was little Davey, and he was great, and Simon--hooray for Simon!--said that it was boring! As I've said here almost every week: yes, Davey, you're great. But who cares?

Carly did something weird, and I don't know what to predict about her. She sang Jesus Christ Superstar, and she sang the livin' heck out it. It was a really great performance. But, at the same time, it was Jesus Christ Superstar. So, how are the votes going to come down? Back when the musical came out, it was extremely controversial. (For example, my American Idol blogging arch-nemesis, Tristi, calls the song "horrid" and "sacreligious".) But, on the other hand, the musical has been tempered somewhat by the passage of time and many evangelicals even perform it at church functions. So, how will the Christians vote? And, on the other hand, how will the non-religious vote? Will they like the performance in spite of the subject? Will they not vote simply because it was about Jesus? How am I supposed to make predictions under these conditions!

And then it was David Cook, and he sang Music of the Night. And the judges liked it, but to me it seemed just like David Cook was singing Music of the Night. In other words, he didn't make it his own, dawg. Either way, he's safe.

So, in my mind, only the two Davids needn't worry. Any of the other four could potentially go. Carly has been a staple of the bottom three for weeks, and it's hard to say what her fans will think of her song choice. Syesha seems to show up in the bottom three whether or not she's good, so her good performance yesterday doesn't mean much. Brooke really faltered, and has been really faltering a lot lately. Jason is dorky kid who sings dorky songs in dorky ways, but the ladies love him.

If I must predict, the bottom three should be: Brooke, Carly, and Jason. And last night I was betting that Brooke would go. But, after reading Tristi's comments about Carly's song, and thinking that there are probably a great many more people who have the same opinion, I'm going to predict Carly is out. I'd prefer she stays--her performance last night was better than Brooke, Jason, and David Cook. But, I think she's gone.

(Disclaimer: lest I give the wrong impression, Tristi's full comment was: "Third for me was Carly. I hated the song she chose -- I've always hated the concept of making a Broadway musical about Jesus Christ -- but she sang the song well. Horrid, sacreligious song, but she performed it well.")

Wonder of wonder, Miracle of Miracles

2008-04-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was preemptively depressed. In fact, I was preemptively despondent. I had two meetings in the morning, after which I just kind of puttered around campus, studying first at the library and then at the Tanner building. And I was depressed. I knew, no matter how hard I studied for the accounting test, that I was going to fail it.

I read the book, and I did practice problems, and all semester it has felt awkward and weird. It just never made sense--not at all. It all seemed very counter-intuitive and backwards.

Finally, yesterday afternoon I downloaded a couple podcasts off of NPR--one about art and one about music--and took a walk. I can only handle accounting for so long.

Anyway, I had a conference call in the evening, speaking to a book club in Michigan, and then I went back to studying. And then I was back here in the MBA Lounge at 5:45 this morning, studying some more.

And then I took the accounting final. And, you know what? It went surprisingly well. I mean, there were two questions I had to guess on, and one more that I later discovered I screwed up. But, the vast majority of the test felt really good.

I mean, I still hate accounting, and I probably still won't be getting an A. But, it's nice to see that studying--and desperately praying--pays off.

It's Just a Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, American Idol

2008-04-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

So, Mariah Carey has now surpassed Elvis Presley as having the most #1 hits. For shame, America. For shame. This kind of stupidity is what keeps Jason Castro going strong.

I'll tell you the single biggest problem with using Mariah Carey as the mentor: she'll tell everyone to run everything. And, no surprise, that's exactly what everyone did. Why sing just one note when fourteen will do?

Now, the cardinal rule of American Idol is this: if you're a girl, and you're worried that you're going to lose, show a little skin--cleavage, preferably. It's saved many people in many seasons, including Kristy Lee Cook earlier this year. So, who was showing skin tonight? Everybody! (Well, except LDS-modest Brooke.) Carly, Syesha, and Kristy were all low-cut--and Syesha and Kristy were shoulderless. So, who will it help? Kristy. She's the best looking of the three--or, more importantly, she established herself as the Hot Girl earlier this season. When guys vote for "The Cute One", they'll vote for Kristy, because she's the one they've been voting for for weeks. Too bad, Carly and Syesha.

As for Brooke, I don't know what to think about her. She's my favorite person on the show, but she's very obviously not the best singer. She used to be great and dominating, but now she's terrified and shaky. And, if we're being honest, she did the worst last night. (Yes--even worse than Jason Castro.) She might be gone tonight. If there's any good news there, it's that she's never seemed fully entranced by American Idol. It seems like she's on the show because she likes to sing and it's a fun thing to do, but that she has no huge desire to spend the rest of her life as a pop star. So, even if she loses, she'll be okay.

And, as Randy said at the beginning, this night would be way harder on the women than the men (and the children, like little Davey). It was true: all the women struggled and all the men (and children) did well.

So, predictions for the bottom three: Brooke, Carly, and Syesha. And... I think it might, unfortunately, be Brooke's night to go. But I'd rather it be Syesha.

(Do you realize what that means? Kristy and Jason are in the top four? What the...?)

We Are All Innocent, American Idol

2008-04-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

American Idol is starting to get an Ed Sullivan feel around our house--we have to rush through dinner and baths and bedtime so we can get to the couch in time. If only Ryan Seacrest would spin plates!

This week's theme was Inspirational Music, and we started off with the dreamy Michael Johns singing Aerosmith's Dream On, which doesn't strike me as inspirational in any way whatsoever. Maybe they assumed that any song with the word "dream" has to be hopeful--even if it includes the chorus: "Sing with me, if it's just for today/Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away." That's about as inspirational as "Live fast, die young."

Anyway, Michael sang it and I actually thought he did pretty good, but the judges disagreed.

Next up was Syesha, and yet another instance where I thought she did pretty good but the judges didn't. With both Syesha and Michael they thought that the songs were a little too imitation--they didn't make the songs their own, yo.

And then Jason Castro sang with a ukelele, and the judges loved it. And the eleven- year-old girls screamed as though they were at a Hannah Montana concert, except--hot holy crap!--Hannah Montana is now a boy and we can talk about how much we're in love with him/her!

Kristy sang, and she very definitively is still banking on her looks to carry her. The song was good, and she's wise to stick to country, but she's very obviously out of her league here. HOWEVER: I think the planets are aligned and she won't be in the bottom three. I think this had a little to do with her song choice, a lot to do with her tight pants and attention-grabbing shirt, and a ton to do with some other lousy singers.

David Cook, who up to now could do no wrong, really botched things last night. The song, which again isn't very inspirational--it just repeats the line "We are all innocent", which seems more like self-delusion than inspiration--had a weird rhythm and I couldn't tell if the song was strange or if David was off the beat. He was also wearing a straight jacket. It would appear that David was quite confident in his shiznit status, and the whole performance was self-indulgent and dumb. (When he held up his hand to the camera, with the words "Give Back" scrawled on his palm, I wanted to slap his stupid face.) However, unless American Idol fans are even more fickle than I think they are, he'll be okay.

Carly Smithson. Last week Simon told her she needed to dress better, and then she comes out in a weird clown shirt? Apparently they have a different definition of style in Ireland. Anyway, she sang and--check it out, dawg--it was just okay for me, yo.

And then little Davey sang and it was great and everyone loved it. I recognize that he's great, but, seriously, I don't care anymore.

And Brooke sang, and I love Brooke. But she had another shaky week. She appears to have lost a lot of confidence in the last month. America: I blame you! However, I think she'll be safe, if for no other reason than she looked like she was going to break down and cry and America loves a pity party.

So, it was a weird show. And the judges thought it was Opposite Day.

And the losers are: I actually think that Carly is going to be in trouble. And I think that Syesha will be in the bottom three, because she's routinely in the bottom three for no good reason. And Jason should be there too, but the judges praised him as though he'd just captured Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands, so I think he's safe. And Kristy and Brooke are safe. And David Cook. Dare I say... Michael Johns? Bottom three: Michael, Carly, Syesha. Going home: Syesha? This is week is hard, yo.

Dear BYU Students, Please Shut Up

2008-04-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

So, the Tanner Building, wherein the MBA program is housed, is a noisy echo chamber with too few study rooms. Rumor has it that this problem will be fixed next year when the new addition is complete. Bring about the day!

Because of the noise, I tend to study in bottom floor the Lee Library, over in the corner. It's nice and quiet, and very few people come there.

HOWEVER:

During the last few weeks of the semester, all the idiots of the world--who haven't been doing any work for three months--descend on the library in hopes of learning something. Unfortunately, it won't help them at all because all the do once they get here is talk. I hate these people. Let me repeat: I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

Shut up. Go fail your classes somewhere else.

Also, if I can make a request of all the pretty girls on campus: if someone comes up to you while you're in the library, and flirts with you, please slap the jerk across his ugly face. Honestly, people! This is a library!

And I Will Always Love You, American Idol

2008-04-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

So, the kids were screaming and we were trying to put them to bed and Holly freaked out because we couldn't find Hunny Bunny. Consequently, I missed the first couple American Idol performances last night. Curses!

Anyway, I've tried to go online an watch all of their performances, so hopefully I can make some accurate predictions.

Brooke is still neat. The overwhelming dominance that she displayed in the first couple weeks appears to be gone. I think she's still among the good ones, but she hasn't had a really stunning performance in three weeks. That's not good. (In other news, she's a cutie.)

David Cook is great, but not as great as last week. However, he has cured his stupid haircut problem (to some extent), so that's a plus. I've still got him solidly in the top two.

Ramiele: who the crap keeps voting for Ramiele? I keep guessing that she'll leave and she not only survives, but isn't even in the bottom three! Dear America: what the heck?

Jason Castro is reinforced his I'm-attractive-to-twelve-year-old-girls theme by singing a goofy poppy song, and sounding a lot like Hanson.

Carly was awesome, yet Simon gave her a mediocre/negative review. I'm seriously wondering if he was trying reverse psychology on America, to get us to vote for her. He's done that before. (However, what he said about her clothes is true.)

And then little Davey sang, and--hooray!--it was another slow, croony ballad that he did really well. A couple weeks ago Simon said that Kristy was "musical wallpaper"--you notice it and think it's pleasant and then instantly forget about it. I think that Davey is kind of in the same boat. No matter how good the kid is, after a while of doing the same thing over and over, it's just boring. Dear Davey: I'm getting a little sick of you, Mormon or not.

Kristy Lee Cook did okay (and looked very nice, with her excellent teeth and such) but she should have done much better, considering she's been emphasizing her heartland/country thing lately.

The judges gave Syesha a pass, but I thought she was lousy until the last couple notes. Lousy, lousy, lousy.

Michael Johns. If you'll recall, I've said many times that he'd never make it past Week 7. As much as it pains me to say it, he had a decent performance last week and a really good one tonight. If he can keep it up, I'd put him in the top five or even four. He shouldn't be there--he's clearly not as talented as many of the others--but he has gained some ground and picked up some fans (who like him more for his dreamy good looks than his singing). So, as much as I'd rather not admit it, Tristi seems to have picked him right.

Anyway, my current top four is the same as my old top four: both Davids, Carly, and Brooke. But I'd also say that Michael is on the way up while Brooke is on the way down. And frankly, I don't want to live in an America that likes Michael better than Brooke. Dear America: you suck.

Predictions for tonight: Ramiele, Kristy, and Jason will be in the bottom three. And... Ramiele is leaving. I mean, honestly.

If you're thinkin' you're too cool to boogie, boy oh boy, do I have news for you

2008-03-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

The theme this week was that the contestants had to sing songs from the year they were born. It took me a while to figure this out--I thought the theme was Dumb Songs. I mean, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"? Ugh.

And Little Davey was born in 1990? Holy crap.

Anyway, here's the run down:

Ramiele, Jason, Chikezie and Syesha are all in trouble. They were all boring, singing dumb songs in dull ways. (One exception: Jason sang a good song in a dull way.)

Brooke stumbled on her first couple notes and restarted, and the judges all commended her for it. I was slightly surprised by that. I doubt that the voting public will be as merciful.

Michael sang "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions", and I thought it was kind of screamy, but the judges liked it. Granted, they said "it was your best performance yet", which doesn't mean a whole lot to Michael. But, I'm sure he's safe.

Carly sang a dumb song in kind of a lousy way, but I'm sure she's safe, too. She was a big favorite who wound up in the bottom three last week--I'm sure that spurred people to vote for her this week.

Davey: there are two interesting stories from last night, and this is one of them. As has been reported quite a bit, Davey's dad is a jerk who yells at him all the time and is very much the stereotypical Stage Parent. (Reports have said he was banned from the set of Star Search several years ago because the producers thought he was crossing the line into abuse.) Anyway, the judges generally liked Davey last night, but questioned his song choice. Simon said at the very end "I don't know who chose your song, but they made a very poor choice." Now, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was a direct slam from Simon at Davey's dad. In other words: "Lay off, Dad. If this kid loses, it's your fault."

The other interesting story of the night was Kristy Lee Cook, who played a bigger card that even the cleavage card (a card which has saved many mediocred females in the past). Instead, Kristy played the I Love America card, singing "God Bless the USA". It was a real Stadium of Fire moment. Based on that performance--and, assuming she learns from it--she may have bought herself two more weeks. She certainly won't be bottom three tonight.

And then David Cook performed Michael Jackson's Billie Jean in a very non-Michael way. And it was awesome. After the last three weeks of quality, I think David would be my top choice--if only he'd change his ugly emo haircut. Also: a vest over a t-shirt? Hello 80s!

Incidentally, I was born in 1978, so I would have sung either "Le Freak" or "Boogie Oogie Oogie". FYI.

Predictions: Bottom three: Ramiele, Chikezie, and Syesha. And... Ramiele will probably go, unless she gets the pity she-was-sick vote.

Dating Strategery

2008-03-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Two of my fellow MBAers, both single women, have started a new blog. Basically, they take the concepts taught in our strategy classes and apply them to BYU dating. And the results are hilarious. Definitely check it out.

Here's the link: Dating Strategery

Being For the Benefit of American Idol

2008-03-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dear America:

What the crap is wrong with you? I don't know if I want to live in a world where Carly Smithson is in the bottom three. Fortunately (for you, stupid America) she survived. And, as we've seen in the past, someone can survive bottom three and go on to win. (I'm not saying that Carly should win, but it should be a long frickin' time before she's back in the bottom.)

In better news, I got two of the three losers correct. (My archnemesis, Tristi, only got one!) However, I thought Kristy was a lock to go and she survived again! I attribute this to her good teeth.

And Amanda is gone. But, never fear, America! You'll see her name in lights soon, and probably her drunken mugshot.

Pop Quiz

2008-03-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

Question: What does NOT go together like rama-lama-lama and dinga de dinga dong?

Answer: Me and Managerial Freaking Accounting.