Facticity

Selflessness

2008-07-20T13:00:00.004-05:00

Our society values and encourages selflessness. We think about self-sacrifice and putting others before ourselves as virtuous qualities. To be selfless means, "having no regard to self". Although we may choose to act selflessly at times (which can be a wonderful thing), we cannot completely disregard ourselves. Remember the Zen-Buddhist saying, "Wherever you go, there you are".

I watched a TV program about a man who ran a monkey sanctuary in Africa. He had only this ancient, rickety truck to transport supplies, rescue monkeys, and get from one place to another. The truck was an essential tool for carrying on his work at the sanctuary. Every morning he had to spend some time taking care of the truck; making minor repairs and preparing it to withstand the bumpy, unpaved roads he would be navigating. The truck was precious to him because he could not afford to replace it.

Like the truck, your body and mind are precious tools that need care and protection. If you allow yourself to be used up or completely worn out, you will no longer be able to carry out the good work you do with your family and friends, on the job, or in the community. Unlike the truck, you are irreplaceable. There is only one of you and your self is essential to your doing good things for the universe.

What are the caring things you need to do for yourself so that you will be ready for the bumpy roads ahead? Of course you need the basics like good nourishment, adequate sleep, and exercise. Often these are the first things to be neglected when we are very focused on others needs. Human beings also need time to recharge which may include things like relaxation, pursuit of hobbies, or socializing. This means everyone has to say "no" sometimes in order to make time for ourselves. Setting limits is showing regard for yourself and helps others understand how to better relate to you.

One problem with being overly selfless is that we have to make assumptions about what other people want and need so that we can give it to them. Sometimes our assumptions are wrong and we end up intruding on or complicating things for them. Do you find yourself inevitably feeling resentful in your relationships? Do you feel like you give and give and never receive? It is important to honestly examine your intentions and determine whether your giving is truly altruistic, or are you hoping to receive something in return. The better course of action is to ask for what you want and need directly.

Another problem with being overly selfless is that relationships work best when they are reciprocal. Other people in your life want to feel they have something to offer you and it is good to let them give sometimes. It can be boring to your friends and partners to have no work to do in the relationship. For children, it is an unfortunate lesson to teach them that they are entitled to all the benefits of a relationship with no effort required on their part. You can send the wrong message to others in your life when you give too much. They may come to expect it from you and believe it is what makes you happiest. They may also become frustrated and give up trying to reciprocate if you've made it hard for them to do so.

Remember, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself which involves committing a little time each day to self care activities, setting limits, and sometimes saying "no". If you take good care of yourself you will be better prepared to care for others.

For more resources relating to self care and other mental health concerns, please visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/.

Dealing with Guilt and Shame

2008-07-17T10:00:00.008-05:00

Guilt is an emotion that involves self-blame or a sense of responsibility for a regretted thought or action. Like any other emotion, guilt is not necessarily based on facts. True guilt is what we feel when the facts of the situation justify the level of responsibility and regret we experience. Perceived guilt is what we feel when we take responsibility for something we really had no control over or when we misinterpret the consequences of our actions. Guilt can be a helpful emotion when it is justified. It motivates us to learn from our mistakes and make a change when warranted.

Shame is different from guilt. It is a sense of worthlessness or inadequacy about aspects of ourselves or in our basic nature. A good way to differentiate guilt and shame is this; we feel guilty for what we do and we feel ashamed of who we are. Shame is fear-based and drives us to want to hide or protect ourselves from scrutiny. It is hardly ever a helpful or motivating emotion.

Responses to Guilt and Shame

As with any other emotion, its not necessarily the feeling itself that is problematic. Rather, it is our response that can have unwanted consequences. Some unhelpful reactions to shame and guilt include:

Defensiveness, attacking or striking out
Relentless pursuit of power or perfection
Blaming others
Being overly nice or self-sacrificing
Withdrawing or hiding

Is my Guilt Justified?

How do you know whether or not your feelings of guilt are based on fact and are in proportion to the regretted act?

1. Evaluate your level of responsibility for what happened:

If a friend came to me with this situation, would I blame them for what happened?
Did I really have control over the situation?
Did I understand the potential consequences of my action?
Am I looking at this with hindsight bias?
Was my action the lesser of two evils?

2. Evaluate the seriousness of the consequences:

If a friend was responsible, how serious would I consider it?
If someone did it to me, how serious would it be to me?
How important will this experience be five years from now?
Can any harm that occurred be corrected?

Coping with Guilt

1. Tell Somebody

Shame makes us want to hide our thoughts and feelings. Keeping shameful secrets only allows them to grow because our imagination runs wild and unchecked by outside information. We may be able to hide our shame from others, but the painful thoughts and feelings remain inside us doing their work.

Expressing fears, either privately or to someone who is trusted and understanding, decreases their power and may allow them to be "let go". There is a long history of using self-disclosure to find relief from feelings of guilt and shame. Consider the practice of confession in some religious faiths. The transgressor acknowledges their wrongful acts to a spiritual leader or to their Higher Power and is absolved. Researchers have discovered there are even health benefits to certain kinds of self-disclosure.

2. Apologize

Apology holds great power. A sincere, well-executed apology has the potential to help heal wounds; both for the person who feels guilty as well as for those who were wronged. Conversely, a shallow or poorly communicated apology can re-traumatize the people who were hurt and intensify feelings of guilt in the responsible party. The following are guidelines for making a meaningful apology:

Don't apologize unless you really mean it
Say that you are sorry and explain why - be specific
Take responsibility for your actions
Recognize the feelings of the one you wronged
Offer to make amends
Don’t expect forgiveness
Allow the one you wronged to be upset

3. Make Right the Wrongs

Sometimes opportunities exist to actually fix what was broken. Most of the time; however, what was done cannot be undone and and making amends becomes a symbolic act showing a sincere willingness to make things right. It is amazing how doing something kind and selfless can contribute toward self-absolution and help heal hurt feelings. The power of penance has been recognized throughout history in many forums. For example, the ninth step toward recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous is making direct amends to those who were wronged.

4. Forgive Yourself

We tend to be our own worst critics which makes self-forgiveness something that is easier said than done. It involves an attitude of openness, self-acceptance, letting go of anger, and a belief in one's own worth and goodness. Self-forgiveness is not abdicating responsibility. It is seeing mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than as personal failure.

If you are dealing with feelings of guilt and shame and having trouble coping, it may be time to talk to a mental health professional. A good therapist can provide a safe place to disclose and explore your fears. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

How Counseling (Talk Therapy) Helps

2008-06-15T15:00:00.011-05:00

Have you ever had somebody listen to you intently and objectively with the sole purpose of understanding you and assisting you in reaching your potential? For most of us, this is a luxury and very rare. Our loved ones are not very objective and they frequently have their own agendas for us. They give us well-intended, but biased advice. Our friends have busy lives and don't always have the time to give us their undivided attention. In addition, we are often worried about how we might make others feel or how they might feel about us, so we refrain from really opening up to them.

Ideally, a counselor is an objective and non-judgmental person who is not involved in your life outside of the therapy session. You shouldn't have to worry about hurting your counselor's feelings or whether they will like "the real you" or not. You should not have to worry whether your disclosures to your counselor will directly threaten your job or your relationships. If your counselor cannot be objective with you, they should refer you to someone who can be.

Counseling is confidential (except in some very specific circumstances that you should be informed about before you begin), so you don't have to worry about other people finding out your innermost thoughts and feelings. Your counselor's sole purpose is to listen to you and understand your point of view so that he or she can help you with your concerns.

Counseling is not necessarily for everyone, but when counseling is effective, it may help clients:

institute change
find hope
increase self-awareness
develop new perspectives
identify strengths and resources
improve self-esteem
feel empowered
discover new solutions
normalize experiences
develop insight
adopt a more positive outlook
foster acceptance
explore options
adjust to situations
increase objectivity
learn new skills
create and work toward goals
increase motivation
challenge fears

Counseling cannot:

Make you change or do anything you don't really want to do
Change or "fix" other people in your life
Give you the answers
Make decisions for you or tell you definitively what to do
Cure you or "fix you"
Take the place of your personal responsibility

Counseling Has Risks

Not everybody benefits from counseling and there are potential risks to making a change. Sometimes counseling leads to changes in you that your significant others , co-workers, or superiors don't appreciate or accept. This can change important relationships and roles. In addition, it can be painful at first to talk about and confront the things that are troubling you. Your distress may actually increase during the early stages of counseling.

Honesty Is the Best Policy

Your counselor knows only as much as you tell them, so its important to be honest. You wouldn't go to the doctor with chest pain and tell them your thumb hurts, right? This would result in a faulty diagnosis, the wrong treatment, and consequently, no improvement or even deterioration.

Change Takes Work

In general, counseling helps people help themselves and the more energy you put into your treatment, the more you will get out of it. When your physician gives you a prescription or instructions for getting better, you have to use the medication as directed or follow the instructions in order to experience any improvement. It is the same for counseling. Your counselor can help you generate options, but it is ultimately up to you to follow through with them outside of therapy.

Only You Can Change You

Your counselor can only help you with the change process and cannot make other people in your life change. Some people come to counseling because other people in their lives are causing problems for them. Your counselor can help you cope with the situation, but he or she has no power to change people, especially when the people who are contributing to your distress are not involved in your therapy.

It's All in the Relationship

You need to feel comfortable with your counselor for your therapy to be successful. Counselors understand that we are not going to be a match for everyone, so we are not offended when a client doesn't click with us. If you are concerned about your relationship with your counselor, you should try to address this with him or her so changes can be made. Your counselor should be able to provide you with some referral options if needed.

You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. If you want to use your health insurance, you call the behavioral health number on the back of your insurance card or visit your insurance company website to get some referral options.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Coping with Setbacks & Disappointment

2008-06-01T20:00:00.012-05:00

When you are working toward a positive change in your life, setbacks such as loss, failure and rejection can make you feel discouraged, frustrated, anxious and sad. Too much of this can lead to self-doubt, depression, and getting completely off track. It is important to understand that setbacks and disappointments are unavoidable and and perhaps even a necessary part of life. If you look at setbacks as bumps in the road rather than roadblocks, you'll persist toward your goal and you may eventually succeed.

Setbacks are Unavoidable
If we were to chart the change process, it would almost never look like a straight line between two points. Instead, it would tend to look more like a mountain with high points and valleys on the way to the peak.

Setbacks are part of the natural process of change and may make change more resilient and lasting.
Your overall chance of encountering a setback is high.
You are most likely to encounter a setback in the first few months after making a change.

Setbacks are Opportunities for Learning
Consider a child learning to walk. Every child's first steps are clumsy and tentative and most will fall down many, many times before mastering the skill. Every time the child falls down, she learns some important information about gravity, body mechanics, and navigating different surfaces. She also learns that falling down is not so bad and can be tolerated. She may get good at walking on flat surfaces, but she will probably fall again when she tries her skills with hills, slick floors, and uneven terrain. Fortunately, despite the scrapes and bruises, most of us persist and eventually become master walkers who rarely fall down.

Navigating Setbacks
After experiencing a few setbacks, you may discover a pattern to your behavior. By paying attention to your setbacks, you can learn to identify the warning signs that a setback is around the corner and take action to minimize the damage. Some examples of warning signs include:

Multiple or overwhelming life stressors
Major life changes
Unpleasant emotions such as boredom, apathy or irritability
Feeling overconfident, excessive risk taking, or setting unrealistic goals
Avoidance or refusing to acknowledge or deal with problems; ignoring warning signs and triggers
Stopping medical treatment, counseling or medications on one’s own or against professional advice
Isolating self or refusing to ask for help when needed
Exposing yourself to people, places and things that trigger old habits
Not taking care of self; changes in eating and sleeping patterns, personal hygiene, or energy levels
Lack of routine and structure in life
Engaging in obsessive behaviors like working too much, gambling, sexual excess, abusing substances, overeating or over-exercising

Coping with a Setback
Anticipate that you will experience setbacks and plan on how you will deal with them. Don’t give up; instead practice damage control. It's natural to feel disappointed, but it isn't helpful to feel discouraged or devastated. Give yourself some time to deal with the problem and try to look at the big picture. Don’t lay blame, take personal responsibility and ask yourself what you can do to get back on track.

If you are dealing with a setback or disappointment and having trouble getting back on track, it may be time to talk to a mental health professional. A good therapist can help you take stock of your situation, cope with your feelings, and generate ideas for getting back on track and staying on track. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Slipping Into the Test Anxiety Zone

2008-05-08T21:00:00.006-05:00

You’re sitting in your classroom before a major test. Your senses are heightened. The lights seem too bright. You hear your classmates chattering nervously about how hard this is going to be. In your head you try to quickly review what you studied, but your mind is too flooded with worries and self-doubts to think clearly. You are now entering the Test Anxiety Zone.

Most students experience a reasonable amount of anxiety before a test, which is necessary for top performance. But, when anxiety begins to damage test scores, it becomes a problem. Test anxiety is relatively common among college students. Some researchers have estimated it occurs in 15 – 20% of college students at any given time. Test anxiety involves changes in physical processes, emotions, thinking, and behavior that can impede test performance.

Test anxiety is most often caused by being under-prepared, but this doesn't necessarily indicate laziness. Under-preparation for a test can also arise from limited study skills, poor study habits, poor time management, or learning problems. Some other factors that can contribute to test anxiety include inexperience with tests and college level material, excessive pressure to do well, competitiveness, over-valuing test results, and low self-confidence.

The first line of defense against test anxiety it studying well. Thorough preparation for tests involves:

· Showing up for every class and participating
· Talking to your instructor about their expectations and testing style
· Keeping up on readings and assignments
· Finding out where you study best and using it
· Planning ahead to study about 2-3 hours per credit hour per week
· Studying a little every day, taking reasonable breaks (don’t cram)
· Studying during your most alert and productive times
· Knowing your learning style and capitalizing on your strengths
· Learning the material using several study methods, not just one

The next line of defense is developing good test taking skills. It is possible to improve your performance on a test just by knowing good test taking strategies. It is also possible to do poorly on a test, even when you know your stuff, by letting the test outsmart you. There are many types of test questions (short answer, essay, multiple choice, true/false) and each requires different strategies for success. Most colleges have a learning center that offers help with test taking skills. For national and major standardized tests, there are companies who will teach you specific strategies for a fee.

Manage your time and learn to identify your time wasters. Set priorities and focus on what’s most important first. Use a calendar or planner and review your schedule at the start of each week to make sure you have allocated enough time for everything. Recognize your limits and delegate tasks when you can. There are only 24 hours in a day; learn to say “no” when you need to.

Get organized. Establish a productive work environment that is clean and spacious with limited distractions. Break large tasks into smaller steps to prevent them from becoming overwhelming. Take a few minutes at the end of each day to clear your work area and plan for the next day,

Remember to take care of yourself. Don’t stay up all night abusing substances before a test. Resist the urge to misuse stimulants like caffeine, nicotine, or speed to stay awake and focus. Get plenty of rest, eat right, and exercise. Reward yourself for your accomplishments.

Sometimes test anxiety is a symptom of a deeper problem such as an anxiety disorder or other emotional issue. If you suspect this is the case, a mental health professional may be able to help. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. You can also call the behavioral health number on the back of your insurance card or visit your insurance company website to get some referral options.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Getting Motivated

2008-03-16T10:42:00.008-05:00

Motivation is our drive to meet basic and higher needs and pursue desires. It energizes us and directs our behavior. We need to be able to meet our more basic needs before we can expect to meet higher needs.

Basic and higher needs:

Belonging - love, acceptance
Survival – hunger, thirst, safety, shelter
Esteem – achievement, competence, approval, recognition
Self Actualization – personal growth, improvement

Motivation is a powerful force for change and growth. It can focus behavior on goals, increase effort, energy and persistence, improve thinking and performance, and enhance self-confidence and self-esteem.

Where Does Motivation Come From?

The source of motivation can be internal or external, positive or negative. Positive motivation involves obtaining desired or pleasant consequences (rewards) while negative motivation involves escaping or avoiding undesired, unpleasant consequences. Internal motivators are often more powerful and enduring than external ones.

Examples of internal motivators include:

Desire
Pleasure
Pride
Growth
Meaningfulness
Power
Guilt
Pain

Examples of external motivators include:

Money
Promotion
Good grades
Praise
Disapproval from others
Punishment

Business consultants and life coaches will say there is no simple formula for motivation, but expectancy theory makes an attempt at one (based on Vroom, V. H. (1964). Work and motivation. New York: Wiley):

Motivation = Perceived likelihood of success x Belief that success will lead to reward x Value of reward

This formula indicates that the more you believe you can succeed, that your success will be rewarded, and that the rewards will be great, the higher your motivation will be. We are most motivated when we feel capable, responsible, self-directed, respected, and hopeful.

Blocks to Motivation

When motivation is external, it tends to wane when the source is absent. Most children rebel against their parents' attempts to motivate them to keep their rooms clean. When we grow up and are living on our own, most of us are able to keep our living spaces relatively neat. This is because internal motivation eventually takes the place of our parents. We find our own important reasons for keeping our rooms clean.

Even internal motivation has its challenges. Many of us start out with high motivation, but we find it fading as time passes. This can be due to poor planning and limited short term rewards (see entry on goal setting). It can also be due to poor self-confidence or lack of resources to succeed. Or we may discover that the rewards we anticipated aren't as powerful as the challenges we meet and sacrifices we make along the way.

Some common blocks to motivation include:

Fear of failure
Fear of success (success leads to greater expectations from others as well as increased independence and responsibilities which can be overwhelming)
External locus of control – relying on luck, not taking responsibility, feeling that others will stand in your way

Increasing Motivation

Since internal motivation is more enduring and we work hard for rewards, it makes sense that finding internal and positive reasons for doing what you are doing is essential to staying motivated. Ask yourself why you are doing something – then ask five more times to see if you can find an internal and positive motivation. For example, lets say you want to become more organized.

Why do I want to be more organized? So that my house will be neater and cleaner.
Why do I want my house to be cleaner? So that I can find things more easily.
Why do I want to find things more easily? So that I can be more efficient.
Why do I want to be more efficient? So that I can save time.
Why do I want to save time? So that I can spend more time relaxing and enjoying my family.

From the motivation formula mentioned above, you can see that self-confidence is also an important factor in motivation. Believing in yourself increases your perception of likelihood for success and increases your confidence that you can manage that success once you get there. Know your strengths and weaknesses and capitalize on natural talents and interests to increase your chances for success. Choose a source of inspiration and surround yourself with successful people to remind you it can be done and what you stand to gain by succeeding.

Build in smaller, short-term rewards along the way. The further away you are from your ultimate goal, the more likely you are to lose steam as time passes. Breaking tasks into manageable pieces, each with their own rewards, will help you stay on task and remind you of what you are working so hard for. Incremental rewards will also help prevent you from being overly discouraged by setbacks.

If you are having trouble getting motivated, a mental health professional like a psychologist can assist you in taking a look at your concerns and generating options. Please feel free to visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Emotional Regulation

2008-02-24T19:00:00.012-06:00

Self-regulation, or the ability to identify and respond appropriately to internal needs, has been getting some airplay lately. It seems Americans have been getting worse at it over the years. Researchers speculate we are over-regulating our children's lives and not letting them engage in the free, imaginative play that is essential to developing this essential life skill.

When a person with self-regulation problems encounters a stressor, they do not have the skills necessary to effectively respond to it. Self-regulation deficiencies can manifest in impulsive behavior, hyperactivity, low frustration tolerance, trouble initiating or stopping behavior, difficulty transitioning, sleep and eating problems, or aggression. Individuals may rely on unhealthy coping methods like abusing substances, avoidance, and self-harming behavior in an effort to regulate themselves. It is easy to see why self-regulation problems can have devastating effects on social, academic and work functioning.

In some individuals, problems with self-regulation result from deficient learning. In others it is due to problems with brain functioning related to heredity, congenital problems, or brain injury. Learning to regulate our emotions and behavior takes practice and some of us are better at it than others. If you suspect you have problems with self-regulation that are causing severe distress or impairing your functioning, it may be time to talk with a mental health professional about how you can make a change.

Emotional Regulation

One of the body's responses we must learn to regulate is emotions. We experience emotions as personal, subjective, unpredictable, and sometimes even illogical and confusing. Biologically speaking though, a feeling is nothing more than a response to stimuli involving physiological processes such as changes in pulse rate, respiration, and body temperature.

Though our emotions are biologically based, they are not necessarily reality based. Just because we feel a certain way, doesn't make it true. Despite all of this, our emotions feel very real to us and they color our perception of the world. Our emotions dictate our moods and shape our behavior.

If emotions were facts, everyone would feel the same in a given situation. But we know this is not true because emotional responses vary from individual to individual and from culture to culture. Emotions are impacted by our thoughts and beliefs about the world which arise from our heredity, experiences, learning, and environment.

There is wide array of emotions human beings can experience, but Robert Plutchik (1980) developed a theory showing eight primary human emotions that all other human emotions come from:

Joy
Acceptance
Fear
Submission
Sadness
Disgust
Anger
Anticipation

Thoughts Lead to Feelings

How can it be that two people in the same situation can experience entirely different emotions? Consider this example of how our thoughts, and not necessarily facts, determine our feelings.

Situation: You see someone sitting at a table crying.
Thought: You think they must be sad.
Feeling: You feel concern and sympathy.

Then suppose you look down at the table and see the person is cutting an onion. Would your thoughts and feelings change? As you can see, it was the thought that dictated the initial feeling and not necessarily the reality of the situation.

This example shows that it is possible to regulate your emotions by changing the way you look at a situation. Just like a diamond, every situation has multiple facets. Our feelings about a situation can change depending upon the angle we choose to view it from.

Behavior Leads to Feelings

The way you behave can influence the way you feel. An example of this is exercise. When we engage in exercise, we often feel better afterwards, even when our situation hasn't changed. Relaxation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can also change our emotions. This is partially due to the physiological changes that occur when we engage in these behaviors and it is also related to the meaning we make of them. Doing something you perceive as good or healthy can make you feel better about yourself.

Another example is the way facial expressions are related to emotions. All over the world, human beings use the same facial muscles when expressing certain emotions. Studies have shown that muscular feedback from a facial expression results in the experience of the emotion it expresses. Give it a try it.

Yet another example is related to studies investigating "liking". Researchers found they could increase liking by having individuals participate in activities together that required cooperation toward a goal. Liking can also be decreased by involving people in competition with each other.

These examples show that you can regulate your emotions by engaging in behavior that decreases unpleasant feelings and increases pleasant feelings.

Feelings, Right or Wrong

Because our feelings are influenced by our beliefs and thoughts, we can sometimes be mistaken. However, this doesn't mean our feelings are right or wrong. I like to think of emotions as either adaptive (helpful) or maladaptive (problematic).

Emotions are adaptive when they:

motivate us and help us respond appropriately
help us make good decisions
help us remember important things
warn us of real trouble and identify opportunities

Emotions are maladaptive when:

They are too intense (out of proportion)
They last too long
We are unable to manage or cope with them
We respond impulsively or destructively based on them

When you take the time to identify and explore your emotions instead of reacting impulsively, you may be able to come up with alternative explanations that make you feel better or healthier ways to cope with the situation.

Emotions Can Be Powerful

Sometimes our emotions are so overwhelming or seem “unacceptable” to us, so we need to protect ourselves from them. This can be a positive thing in moderation. If we felt everything at full intensity all the time, we would be frayed and exhausted. Everyone uses emotional defenses as a way of coping and they are not unhealthy unless they are overused. The following are some common emotional defenses:

Denial – refusing to acknowledge your feelings
Identification – assuming the feelings of someone else you admire
Compensation – making up for unacceptable emotions
Rationalization – finding excuses for your feelings
Projection – attributing your own feelings to another person
Daydreaming – fantasizing to escape unpleasant emotions
Displacement – taking out emotions on something other than the source
Reaction Formation – behaving in a manner opposite of the way you are feeling
Regression – reverting to immature behavior to express emotion
Sublimation – directing feelings in a useful rather than unacceptable manner

If you feel you may be overusing an emotional defense, it may be helpful to take an honest look at your emotions and practice responding to them in a different way. The key to managing emotions is learning to recognize them, taking the time to explore alternative perspectives and explanations, and coming up with adaptive responses that you can put into action.

If you or someone you love is having trouble managing emotions, talk to a mental health professional. A good therapist can give you some tips and techniques for coping with overwhelming feelings. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. You can also call the behavioral health number on the back of your insurance card or visit your insurance company website to get some referral options.

For more information on depression and other mental health issues, please visit my website, http://www.kctherapist.com/.

A Road Map for Life

2008-02-21T16:00:00.019-06:00

Goal setting is like making a road map for reaching your potential – you may know where you want to go, but do you know how to get there? When you're going somewhere new, it's easy to get lost along the way.

Many of us find ourselves being pulled along wherever life takes us. There is nothing wrong with that if you like where life is taking you. But if life is pulling you in so many different directions that you wind up feeling stuck, fragmented or searching for meaning, it may be time to take inventory of what is important to you and be more intentional about pursuing your goals.

The process of systematically setting goals helps us visualize where we want to go and identify landmarks along the way. It also helps us build motivation, increase endurance and decide where to invest time and energy. Most of all, the process of goal setting helps us stay on track and increases the odds for success. Research has shown that effective goal setters are less stressed and anxious, function and concentrate better, and are happier, more self-confident, and safisfied.

Make it Meaningful

There are many different types of goals, but whatever we choose for ourselves should be personally important and meaningful. People who pursue goals solely to please others or just because they think they "should", typically begin to lose motivation when things get difficult.

In my practice, I regularly meet students who went to college because they felt this was what they were "supposed to" do or their parents insisted upon it. If these students never find their own reasons for pursuing higher education, they end up dropping out, under-performing, or switching from major to major extending their time in school and racking up debt. Its okay to consider a goal based on the suggestion of others, but somewhere along the way you must identify your own reasons for persisting.

Set Yourself Up for Success

Our goals should involve things that are under our control. Have you ever met someone who had a goal to get married by a certain age? That goal is difficult to accomplish because it takes two people working together. The kinds of goals that tend to be under our individual control involve attainment of knowledge, increasing skills, and changing behavior.

When you've decided on a goal, make sure its specific and measurable. Abstract and general goals are harder to follow. For example, I often use Google Maps to find my way to a new destination. I like to zoom in close so I can see the roads and intersections. Sometimes I even use the satellite view so I can see the actual building and what side of the street its on. The more detail I get, the more likely I am going to get there on time and with my good humor intact. Setting effective goals requires a high level of detail as well. Use dates, times and amounts wherever possible to make it easier to see your progress and get back on track when setbacks occur. Be sure to write it all down so you can return to it and make adjustments when neccesary. Writing down your goals also creates a sense of committment which increases your chances for success.

When setting a goal, planning ahead is essential. Ask yourself what you already have and what you will need to achieve your goal. Arrange for these things to be readily available to you. Make a list of your current knowledge and skills and identify resources for acquiring what is missing. This helps you determine whether your goals are reasonable and achievable.

Reward Yourself

Focus on the positive. Your goals should result in something good or desirable rather than merely allowing you to avoid something unpleasant. Most human beings prefer to work for rewards rather than to avoid pain. Setting subgoals or objectives will give you more opportunities to feel rewarded and build toward your ultimate goal. Be careful about relying too much on finite rewards like money or recognition though, because they tend to lose their value as you achieve them.

Overcoming Obstacles

Setting yourself up for success means anticipating difficulties and preparing for them as much as possible. Ask yourself, "What is likely to stand in my way?" Some obstacles cannot be predicted, so flexibility and creativity are needed to persevere. While many obstacles are external to us, some come from inside us such as fear of failure or even fear of success!

If you are having trouble getting started on your goals or you've gotten stuck along the way, getting input from an objective, trusted other can be a big help. Spouses, partners and friends may be convenient, but they have their own agendas for you and may not be as objective as you'd like. A spiritual advisor, instructor, mentor, coach, or even a mental health professional like a psychologist can assist you in looking at your goals with "fresh eyes" and expanding your options. Mindtools has a nice webpage addressing Personal Goal Setting that is a good place to get started.

Please feel free to visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Is Time on Your Side?

2008-02-05T20:00:00.002-06:00

What troubles do you run into managing your time? Most of us don't ever seem to have enough of it. For others, having too much time on their hands is a dangerous thing.

Everyone's perceptions and beliefs about time are different. Some people strongly value time, work hard to be timely, and expect others to do the same. Others see time as flexible and renewable. They aren't particular about how they use it and it doesn't bother them when things don't run on schedule. In addition to this, some individuals have a better feel for the passage or time than others. They just always seem to know approximately what time of day it is and they are naturally better at predicting how much time something will take.

For those of us that struggle more with managing time, the following are some guideliness for getting the most out of your day.

Think Realistically

Most of us are relatively unaware of how we really use our time. It is typical of human beings to underestimate the amount of time spent unproductively and how much time it takes to complete a task. Another common trap is taking on more than we can manage and having a hard time delegating or setting aside relaxation time for ourselves.

Try this exercise - make a chart with 7 columns and 24 rows. Write each day of the week, Monday through Sunday, in the column headings. Then put each hour of the day, all 24 of them, in each row header. For the next week, write down what you are doing every hour of every day. This includes, sleeping, eating, driving, watching tv, or even just staring off into space. You may be surprised by what you discover. Do you actually have enough hours in the day to get things done? Do you see a good balance between obligations and self care? Are there changes you can make to better use your time?

Get Organized

Much time is wasted due to disorganization. How often have you found yourself running around trying to find needed items or taking care of last minute tasks? Plan ahead and do what you can in advance. Develop a routine so that the things you have to get done each day become automatic. Expect obstacles and be ready for them. Keep your frequently needed items in the same accessible place so that they will be easy to find each day. Keep spares on hand.

Make sure you have a time keeper on your person such as a watch or cell phone and know where the clock is in the room. If your time keeper has alarm functions, use them to alert you to upcoming events. Keep a schedule and update it frequently. You might have to experiment to find the type of scheduler that works best for you and some people benefit from having several scheduling methods at their disposal.

Avoid Procrastination

Procrastination can be both a symptom and a cause of poor time managment. Most of the time, merely improving your time management skills reduces procrastination. Other times the procrastination needs to be addressed directly.

Procrastination is a learned behavior involving self-regulation skills, emotions, attitudes, as well as factors we may be unaware of. The causes of procrastination can vary among individuals and tasks. People procrastinate for various reasons and overcoming it requires getting at the heart of these reasons. The following are some additional causes of procrastination:

Doing things solely for other people or because we think we "should" rather than having our own reasons. We work harder for something that has meaning to us so it important to take ownership of the things we do.
Taking on something too big, too time consuming or too difficult. In this case, procrastination is a way of coping. Modifying the task or breaking it into smaller steps can help.
Relying on fear to motivate. A rush of nervous energy can help us get things done, but the cost to health, performance, and relationships may outweigh the benefits. Honestly appraising the pros and cons of doing things in advance versus waiting until the last moment may help you break out of this cycle.
Difficulty making a decision. Not making a decision can be a way of avoiding responsibility for the outcome. It is often the anticipation that is the hardest part and once the decision is made, there is a sense of relief. Developing strong decision making skills and consulting trusted others may help.
Feelings of low self-confidence and low self-esteem may result in a fear of failure (or success). Procrastination may help us avoid judgment by making others think we lack effort rather than ability. It may also keep others from expecting more of us than we think we can give.
There can be power in procrastination. It might enable you to be a "conscientious objector" or to indirectly show someone that you aren't happy about having to do something. You can also control others if they can't move ahead until you finish your task.

While everyone procrastinates, chronic procrastination can cause a number of serious problems. It can result in reduced productivity, failure to reach one’s potential, and feelings of shame, worthlessness, and despair.

There can be health consequences to procrastination. Procrastination predicts higher levels of consumption of alcohol among those people who drink and college students who procrastinate show evidence of compromised immune systems such as more colds, flu, gastrointestinal problems, and insomnia.

In addition, procrastination can damage relationships. When we procrastinate, we often shift responsibilities onto others, who in turn become resentful of us. Procrastination can undermine teamwork and keep others from accomplishing their own goals.

Get Motivated

Ask yourself why you are doing the things you do each day and remind yourself what you stand to gain. When we lose sight of our goals, we can't "see the forest for the trees". Stepping back and taking a look at the bigger picture every once in a while can provide a boost to motivation.

It seems to be human nature to take our successes for granted and dwell on our disappointments. When overdone, this can lead to discouragment or apathy. Acknowledge your accomplishments and reward yourself for completing tasks. This doesn't mean you have to brag or buy yourself presents. Sometimes patting yourself on the back and giving yourself a break is enough to feel good about your efforts.

Remember to take care of yourself and schedule in breaks and down time. Its hard to stay motivated when you are sick, exhausted or burned out. Set yourself up for success. Make sure you have the resources and tools you need to manage your time well. If you allow too many obstacles to lie in your path, you may become discouraged and get off track.

Prioritize

A common time management problem is discovering you are spending most of your time doing the things that are least important to you. Do you have your priorities straight? Take a sheet of paper and fold in half, then in half again. When you unfold it, your paper will be divided into four sections. In each section, write the following headings:

Important/Urgent
Urgent not Important
Important not Urgent
Not Important/Urgent

In the Important/Urgent section, write down things you need to do that have significant consequences for you and must be done ASAP. In the Important not Urgent section, write down tasks that mean a lot to you, but can wait or have no real deadline. In the Urgent not Important section, write down tasks that must be done quickly, but don't have significant consequences. Finally, in the Not Important/Urgent section, write down things that don't mean much to you and have no time urgency. Notice the types of things you place in each category. Is there a category that has many more or fewer items than the others? What might this mean about the way you manage your time? Do any changes need to be made in the way you think about your obligations?

The Evils of Micromanaging

It is possible to be overly conscientious about time. There are many things in life that are outside our control and trying to control the uncontrollable can be overwhelming. Some people become obsessive, making endless lists, worrying, and planning the next day when they should be sleeping. This ultimatley backfires and their health and performance are compromised. As we all know, our time is finite and we can only stretch it so far.

It is also important to remember that not everyone thinks about time the same way. Some things may be more important than timeliness, and you may have to compromise to maintain your health and relationships with others.

If you or someone you love is having trouble managing their time, consulting a professional may help. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. If you have health insurance, you can find out who is in your network by visiting their website or calling the behavioral health number on the back of your card.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Managing Stress

2008-02-03T12:00:00.000-06:00

Stress is nothing more than your response to a perceived threat. I emphasize the word "perceived" because stress is caused by our interpretation of events rather than the event itself. We know this because what is stressful to one person may not be stressful at all to another person. Stress can arise from something good (eustress) or something bad (distress) and sometimes the cause of our stress is unknown.

Holmes and Rahe developed a rating system for common stressors. Reviewing this list, you can see that even welcomed life events like a wedding or birth of a child can cause a significant amount of stress.

How do you know when you are under stress?

Everyone responds to stress differently, but there are some common symptoms human beings share. The signs of stress can be divided into four categories:

Physiological symptoms such as increased heart rate and respiration, perspiration, digestive sensations, and muscle tension
Cognitive signs (or changes in the way we think) such as catastrophizing, worrying, racing thoughts, preoccupations, difficulty concentrating and forgetfulness
Affective (emotional) changes such as nervousness, hoplessness, moodiness, irritability and even anger
Behavioral responses such as avoidance, neglect of self-care, increasing bad habits, and social withdrawal

Is stress bad?

Stress is not always bad. The stress response is adaptive or helpful in immediate, short-term, situations because its our body’s preparation for fight or flight. We perform better in these situations when under a little stress. Bodily functions essential to responding to danger, such as circulation of blood and oxygen to large muscles, hightened senses, and release of sugar for energy, are increased. Functions such as digestion and sexual response are diminished because they are not needed when responding to danger.

But what if there is no real danger or the threat is long-term or something we can't fight or flee from? Today's daily stressors don't typically involve life threatening situations requiring a full blown stress response, yet our bodies still respond in the same old way. The human stress response is adapted for the short-term so chronic or prolonged stress can be dangerous to our health. Chronic stress can lead to a weakened immune system, headaches, insomnia, digestive trouble and acne, memory and concentration problems, mood disturbances, high blood pressure and increased risk for heart attack and stroke.

Stress Relief

There is no one solution to handling stress. Everyone is different, so we each need to choose stress relievers that work best for us and practice them. Here are some suggestions:

Identify your triggers

Keep a log of stressful situations to help you identify patterns in your perception of stressful events, the circumstances surrounding them, your reactions to them, and the consequences of your reactions. It might look something like this:

Date Situation Thoughts Physical Feelings Actions Consequences
1.
2.
3.

Learn to modify your thoughts and behavior

Think positively and focus on your good qualities and accomplishments
Be assertive and learn to express your feelings and set boundaries
Recognize and accept your limitations - ask for help
Set priorities and develop realistic goals
Manage your time wisely, plan ahead, and avoid procrastination
Resist comparing yourself to others and avoid unnecessary competition
Take care of yourself - diet, exercise, sleep and relaxation are important

Practice relaxation

Find ways to relax that work for you and make time for them. Some helpful relaxation techniques include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, imagery, autogenics, biofeedback, meditation, massage, aromatherapy, yoga or other forms of exercise, and socializing. Some of these techniques you can learn on your own and you probably already do naturally. Some are best learned with the asstance of a therapist or self-help workbook. A few of my favorite self-help guides are listed in the Required Reading column on the right hand side of this blog.

When is it time to ask for help?

The following are some indicators it may be time for you to seek help to manage your stress:

you feel trapped, very distressed, or hopeless and don't know where to turn
you worry excessively and can't concentrate on things you need to do
stress is negatively impacting your health, your job, your relationships, or your general life functioning

If you are experiencing any of these things as a result of stress, it may be time to consult a professional. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. If you have health insurance, you can find out who is in your network by visiting their website or calling the behavioral health number on the back of your card.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Making a Change

2008-01-27T10:00:00.002-06:00

This post is intended for people who are experiencing longstanding discomfort (unhappiness, anxiety, loneliness, anger) and know they'd like to feel better, but they’re not sure what to do about it. Breaking out of these uncomfortable feeling patterns often requires a change and successful change involves a process. What follows are simplified suggestions for getting yourself into the change process.

Motivation

When contemplating a change, the first thing to ask yourself is whether you are motivated. We often skip this step and dive right into looking for solutions, which can lead to setbacks and discouragement. To assess motivation for change, there are some questions you can consider:

Do I really want to make a change? What are the pros, cons, risks and benefits to change vs. keeping things the same?
Am I willing to do what it takes to make the change? Is it worth the effort?
Am I able to make the change at this time? Do I have the tools and resources I need?

If you determine you are indeed motivated to make a change at this time, you have four options to choose from. Ask yourself if you are willing and able to:

Change the situation
Change how you feel about the situation
Accept the situation
Keep everything the same

Changing the Situation

When you're ready to take action toward change, I find the best place to start is asking yourself if there is any way to change the situation. If you decide you are willing and able to change the situation you have several options:

Remove yourself from the situation
Assert yourself: Express your feelings and ask for or make a change
Negotiate a compromise

Weigh the pros and cons of each option. Many times, we have little control over a situation and are powerless to change it. If you decide that you cannot or will not change the situation, you can move to option #2, “Change how you feel about the situation”.

Changing How You Feel About the Situation

In order to change the way you feel about a situation, you have to understand that how you look at a situation influences how you feel and how you behave. Our perceptions determine our reality (and everyone’s reality is different). For example, if I perceive flying in an airplane to be dangerous, I will feel anxious about it and avoid it. If I perceive flying to be fun and exciting, I will be more willing to engage in it and might actually enjoy it.

The attributions we assign to things around us can be positive or negative and will impact how we feel about a situation. Negative attributions are generally:

Global vs. Specific (“That’s just the way it is” vs. “That’s how it is in this particular situation”)
Stable vs. Changing (“That’s the way it will always be” vs. “That’s how it is now”)
Internal or External (“It’s probably all my fault” or "I am at the mercy of circumstance" vs. “I’ll take some responsibility and I recognize there are also factors outside my control involved here”)

Sometimes our uncomfortable feelings are due to problematic thinking. This type of thinking involves automatic, distorted, and unhelpful messages we send ourselves that make us feel worse. To see some examples of problems in thinking that can lead to uncomfortable feelings, please visit PsychCentral's article by Sherrie Mcgregor, Ph.D. (2007).

Other times our uncomfortable feelings stem from deeper problematic beliefs we have about ourselves and the world. These beliefs are not necessarily true even though they may feel very real to us. Fortunately our problematic thoughts and beliefs can be challenged and replaced with more realistic and health promoting ones. This takes some hard work and practice; however, and may be best accomplished under the guidance of a mental health professional or at least a good self-help workbook.

If after learning what it takes to change how you feel about a situation, you decide you are unable or unwilling to do so, you can move to option #3, “Accepting and tolerating the situation”.

Accepting the Situation

Acceptance is allowing yourself to fully experience a situation in the present moment without distortion, judgment or intention to change. Finding acceptance is not easy. It involves an understanding that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions and for the choices you make in your life and that these are the only things you really have control over.

Acceptance does not mean resigning yourself or giving up - rather, it means making peace with a situation that you cannot change or is better left unchanged. Acceptance can be the only healthy option available to people who find themselves in difficult situations they are powerless to change. It is an interesting fact that acceptance sometimes leads to unexpected change that is profound and lasting.

Keeping Everything the Same

After considering all your options, you may decide it makes more sense to keep everything the same and remain uncomfortable. Hardly anyone thinks this is a good choice from the outset, but it is important to acknowledge that change is a choice and everyone has a right to "stay miserable", as Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., ABPP would put it. Knowing you always have this option can sometimes give you the courage and freedom to move forward with another, more satisfying option.

If you would like help making a change in your life, a good place to start is by checking out or purchasing a reputable self-help book. I have some of my favorites listed in my "Required Reading List" in the right-hand panel of this blog. You can also find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy.

Please also visit my website http://www.kctherapist.com/ for more information and resources regarding a variety of mental health concerns.

Learning Differences & Higher Education

2008-01-23T17:10:00.001-06:00

Getting into college is not always the biggest challenge for students with learning differences. It’s the adjustment to college level work and a more independent lifestyle that can be the greatest hurdle.

Picking the Right College
The first step in successful transition to higher education is picking the right college. Every college and university is different and some are more accessible than others. It is important to research college disability service centers as a part of a prospective student's selection process. There are a number of good books and articles written especially for students with learning differences to help with picking colleges. The SchwabLearning website has a list of such resources.

After a college has been selected, it is up to the student to send in disability documentation and obtain appropriate accommodations. The school will not initiate this, so it is the student's responsibility to find out what is needed and gather the documents together. This information can often be found on a college's disability services web page or by giving the admissions department a call. It is important to note that most colleges require a comprehensive evaluation that is less than three years old to register a student with the disability services office and qualify them for accommodations.

The majority of colleges offer some sort of orientation to new students. It is a wise idea to attend this and find out about the resources that may come in handy as you go along. Remember that these orientations are geared toward the majority, so students with disabilities may need to be assertive and ask for specific information they need. It is also important to visit the disability services center early on and often. They can be a valuable support throughout your college career and they generally won't make retroactive exceptions for you if you run into trouble before registering with them.

Knowledge & Advocacy
In college, self-identification and self-advocacy is required. Nobody will be asking about an adult student's disability status as this is considered a breach of privacy. Therefore, students must be able to anticipate their own needs and be proactive about getting them met.

Some students with learning differences are not aware of their strengths and limitations or how their disability might affect their college experience. Even those who are aware may not understand their educational rights or be adept at communicating their needs. It is important for students to know how to explain their disability to others when appropriate, how to ask for what they need, and how to protect their rights. The Wrightslaw education law and advocacy website is a good place to educate yourself in these matters.

College vs. Primary/Secondary Education
Each college has its own specific documentation requirements and different accommodation options. At this higher level of education, options for remediation are limited or unavailable and there are often no modifications allowed.

New college students may find they need different or adjusted accommodations in the college environment as the demands are different from high school. Many students with learning differences learn best through doing rather than just through seeing or listening, so they need to put their accommodations into practice and try different things to find out what works for them.

In college there is less structure and feedback and generally things are less predictable. Having good habits in place before leaving for college is important. Also, students should be prepared to self-monitor and adjust their behavior rather than relying on others to give them feedback and direction. Students have limited time in class with their teachers and class sizes are larger; therefore, they must learn to be assertive and seek out what they need outside of class time. There is increased competition and greater expectations for the quality and amount of work produced, so good time management and study skills are necessary.

In light of the greater independence required, students need to arrive armed with solid independent living skills. Strong decision making and problem solving skills will also make the transition to an independent lifestyle easier.

Stumbling Blocks
In my experience working with children, adolescents and adults with learning disabilities in private practice, at colleges and at a university disability services center, I've become aware of a number of early missteps that can cause problems later on down the line.

Don't automatically assume students understand their disabilities just because they have been living with them. Children need to be told over and over again in ways that are appropriate to their changing development. Some students lack awareness of how their disability affects them and others avoid thinking about it because of shame or intimidation. These students will have trouble asking for what they need and may be reluctant to protect their rights.
Don't forget the saying "wherever you go, there you are". Some students think they will grow out of their disabilities or they hope that things will be different in college and they won't need the help they were used to in the past. Most research tells us that although people can compensate for their disabilities such that they are almost imperceptible, there is currently no cure. Students who believe otherwise often never even register for services at their college.
Use it or lose it. Some students register with disability services, but do not use their accommodations when they really need them. Often their grades do not accurately reflect their knowledge. It is true that not all college students with disabilities need accommodations; however, a good rule of thumb is if you needed it through high school, you are likely to need it in college and you may need things in college you didn't need in high school.
Stand up for yourself. Some students try to use their accommodations, but run into roadblocks and don't advocate for themselves. They may become discouraged and stop using their accommodations. Know your rights and don't be afraid to protect them.

Transition Planning
The law requires public schools to provide transition planning for students with disabilities once they reach a certain age. As with any service, the quality can vary from school to school and from district to district. It is important for parents to monitor this process and make sure it is meeting the student's needs. If you feel more is required, there are a number of good resources on the web. The National Joint Commission on Learning Disabilities has a nice brochure on transition planning (revised 2007).

Part of transition planning should involve helping students understand their rights, how their disability affects their current functioning, how to communicate this to others, and how to find and utilize the tools they need to succeed.

Counseling
Some students have emotional and identity issues related to their disability that are getting in the way of reaching their potential. In counseling students with learning differences, often work has to be done to raise awareness and self-esteem.

Students may feel inadequate, weak, abnormal, or “dumb”, because they do not view their disability in the same way they might view a more visible disability. For example, a student with dyslexia may understand that her friend who has a spinal cord injury needs an elevator to get to the 2nd floor, but she cannot accept that it is okay for her to need books on tape to complete her reading assignments for her classes. People with "invisible" disabilities sometimes internalize the unrealistic expectations of others. Counseling can help such students learn to see their disability for what it is, capitalize on their strengths, understand their limitations, and positively incorporate these factors into their lives.

Please visit my website for more information about learning differences and other mental health concerns, http://www.kctherapist.com/.

How to Give Yourself a Bad Case of Depression

2008-01-21T09:52:00.002-06:00

Although major depression is a medical condition that is largely out of a person’s control, the following is a tongue-in-cheek list of some things you can do if you want to increase the odds that you will become depressed or stay depressed:

Think negatively
The way you think will influence how you feel and behave. Tell yourself how bad everything is and how much better off others are. Predict failure for yourself. When good things happen, try to find ways that these things are really bad news in disguise. Put a lot of stock in the negative things you come across and minimize the positive things. Tell yourself how hopeless things are and set your expectations low. Tell yourself how worthless you are. Blame yourself for things and take full responsibility for things that are totally out of your control. Never give yourself a break or forgive yourself. Demand perfection from yourself and punish yourself when you don’t achieve it.

Disrupt your sleep patterns
Good sleep habits are important for overall health, so you’ll definitely need to get either too much or too little sleep. If you sleep too much you will feel groggy and lack energy, and maybe you’ll even sleep through classes or work which will make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. If you get too little sleep you’ll forget things, you won’t learn as well, you will lack energy, and you won’t be functioning at your full potential. That’s bound to bring your mood down.

Be very sedentary
Regular exercise is also important to good overall health, so this is another thing you’ll want to be sure to neglect. Sit around on the couch a lot watching TV or playing video games. Surf the net for hours and play lots of computer games. Better yet, you could lie in bed much of the day with the blinds drawn. After a while, you’re sure to start feeling depressed.

Eat poorly
Good nutrition is important for overall health and well being, so you’ll need to make sure you eat too much or too little. Make sure that what you do eat is mainly junk food with little nutritional value. The gut is a major player in the system of chemicals that keep us feeling balanced, content, and satisfied. If you abuse your gut, you’re bound to feel bad.

Misuse alcohol and/or drugs
If you want to work up a good case of depression, use alcohol and marijuana excessively. These drugs are have depressant effects and although you may feel a short initial boost, ultimately they will depress your central nervous system. Some sleep aids and pain medications can also do this if they are abused. Even stimulants (like nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, and speed) can cause a rebound effect as your body tries to adjust to the chemical changes in your body – also known as “coming down”. You might feel sluggish, foggy, and irritable during these times. In addition, negative consequences associated with substance misuse like problems with your social life, legal problems, and academic problems will complicate matters for you. When you start to feel down, use even more substances to try to help yourself feel better. This vicious cycle will bring you even further down.

Withdraw from your friends and family
Social support and interaction are important to good health. Some research has shown that people with serious illnesses have better survival rates when they have strong social support networks. You’ll definitely want to break ties with the important people in your life to bring down your mood. Don’t participate in any hobbies or extracurricular activities. Drop out of clubs and organizations you belong to. Don’t answer the telephone and say no when people ask you out.

Don’t seek help or follow any kind of professional advice
Counseling and psychotropic medication are the enemies of depression, so you should not seek professional help of any kind. If you somehow wind up in the office of a counselor, don’t participate and don’t follow through. If, by chance, you are in therapy and start to feel a little better, drop out as quickly as possible. Don’t even consider taking medication for depression. If your doctor prescribes you medication, don’t take it as directed or better yet, don’t take it at all! If you decide to take the medication, stop taking it as soon as you feel even a little bit better.

But, I don't want to feel depressed!
Of course nobody wants to feel depressed, so a good place to start is ensuring you're not making a habit of doing the things listed above. If you or someone you love is exhibiting a number of these behaviors and having trouble making a change, talk to a mental health professional. A good therapist can give you some tips and techniques for breaking out of a depressive cycle. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. You can also call the behavioral health number on the back of your insurance card or visit your insurance company website to get some referral options. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, don't wait - act now!

For more information on depression and other mental health issues, please visit my website, http://www.kctherapist.com/.

Love Relationships

2008-01-10T11:22:00.000-06:00

Love is one of life's greatest rewards. But, like many good things, there is both a sweet side and a sour side to it. Serious or chronic illness, infidelity, intimacy concerns, changing roles and circumstances, anger, finances, parenting, communication problems all can contribute to distress in marriages or other partnerships.

We start out at a disadvantage because many of us aren't very clear about what love is in the first place. I like to think of it as a behavior and a choice as well as an emotion. This makes the vague and intangible concept of love clearer and more concrete to me. If love is a behavior, then we should be able to see it and measure it. If love is a choice, then we might have a little control over what we do with it. It is much easier to work with something that, to a degree, can be observed and controlled.

In my practice, I sometimes encounter clients who are in relationships that are admittedly very painful and destructive for them, yet they insist they are loved. When I ask them how they know this, they say, "I just know" or "I feel it in my heart". If we take the view that love is a behavior, we should be able to list the ways our partners are demonstrating their love for us. We should also be able to list any unloving behavior we are experiencing. It is also important to consider what your own loving and unloving behaviors are regarding your partner. Are you taking for granted that your partner "just knows" you love them, or are you showing them every day that this is true?

What do I mean by love being a choice? Many of us were led to believe that "love is blind" and that we are powerless over it. Think of the images of Cupid flying by and shooting victims with his arrow, making them "fall helplessly" into love. We are taught that love is forever, that it is fated, and that there is a "Mr. or Ms. Right" or a "soulmate" out there waiting for us. These beliefs can be a problem because they take much of our responsibility and autonomy away from us.

I prefer to believe that we make some conscious and not-so-conscious decisions about who we love. In fact, researchers have demonstrated that we do a sort of "cost-benefit analysis" in our relationships which determines who we invest in and how much of ourselves we invest. Keep in mind that the costs and benefits can be very different depending on the individual and what makes sense to you might seem absurd to someone else. The costs and benefits can also change over time which can in turn change our feelings about our partners.

Everyone is different, but differences aren't always a problem in relationships. It isn't necessary to have most things in common or to like everything about your partner - some relationships are complimentary. However, differences can begin to cause friction over time. Have you ever seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Remember the orange sweater? This movie provides a great example of how things that once seemed intriguing or endearing about a person can become annoying or irritating. Fighting isn't always a problem either, as long as it is done without abuse, harsh criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see also John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - NPR interview).

Couples counseling can help partners work through conflicts together and experience greater satisfaction in the relationship. There are risks to couples counseling as well; you may instead discover that the best option is to separate. Either way, couples counseling can help you make thoughtful decisions about and gain insight into your significant relationship.

Couples counseling addresses communication skills, understanding differences, problem solving and empathy. Your counselor should remain relatively neutral and will act as a mediator helping you to communicate effectivley with each other so that you can understand and work through your differences.

Unfortunately, many couples wait until their problems are severe before they pursue counseling. You don't have to be on the verge of a breakup to seek counseling - relationship therapy can also help make healthy relationships even better. In order for relationship therapy to work well, both partners must be motivated to improve the relationship.

If there is active violence or abuse going on in a relationship, couples counseling is not the best starting point. The better route is for each individual to get their own counseling until the danger is eliminated. If you fear for your safety or for the safety of others in your home consider contacting the police or a local shelter or calling a crisis line such as 1-800-799-safe. A good internet resource for researching relationship violence is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

For more information about relationship problems and other mental health concerns, please visit my website at http://www.kctherapist.com/.