Another Side Of Rich Madow

The Muffin That Saved The World

2008-08-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it’s the little things that can save the world.

Yesterday on my way into the office I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to pick up a lemon poppy seed muffin. Maybe not the healthiest thing in the world, but I have a suspicion that the low-fat blueberry muffins are loaded with other stuff to make up for the lack of tasty fat – things like sugar, extra chemicals, hormones, high fructose corn syrup (which is the nom de plume of sugar) and possibly some other ingredients with very long names.

So I paid for the muffin, took my receipt, and had a strange thought. Because of that thought, I stood there and watched the line for a few minutes, and besides realizing that the eating habits of the average American are pretty disgusting, had a small but possibly far reaching epiphany.

Why did they need to give me a receipt for a lemon poppy seed muffin that was handed to me on the spot? I couldn’t imagine a scenario where this would even be remotely useful. If I got to the office and said to Harriet:

“Hey – I just had a great lemon poppy seed muffin at Dunkin Donuts,”

is there any chance that she would retort

“You lying sack of shit! I don’t believe you. Can you prove it?”

At which point I would smugly pull out my receipt and yell

“Yeah – here’s your proof baby!”

That just does not happen. And as far as I know, no one has ever been asked to provide a muffin receipt as part of a tax return unless that muffin was a business expense, in which case you should have gone somewhere a lot fancier than Dunkin Donuts.

Think about how many times each day someone goes to 7-11, McDonalds, Starbucks or the like and is given a totally useless paper receipt? It’s got to be in the billions.

Yeah, I know – sometimes they will actually ask you if you want a receipt. But if you say “no thanks,” they simply print the thing up and stick it in the trash.

So what would happen if all of these places stopped printing out receipts unless the customer requested one?

· Hundreds of thousands of trees would be saved
· Countless less acres of landfill space would be used
· Carbon dioxide emissions would be decreased significantly
· Business would save billions of dollars in paper, toner and electricity – which could be passed on to the consumer or used to increase profits
· There would be lots less trash to clean up

The downside? I can’t really think of one.

So there you have it – a tiny, simple, sensible idea that truly could change the world. I just have no idea how to implement it!!

Rich

The Right To Be An A-Hole, Part One

2008-06-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

As any good old American knows, in this here country of ours we have certain inalienable rights. No one knows what inalienable actually means, but we sure do cherish those rights of ours. We got the Bill Of Rights, The Right to Life, a Jeep Liberty, and the Trivial Pursuit of Happiness (or something like that), the right to make a right on red, the right that two wrongs don’t make, and all kinds of other good stuff.

But perhaps the most abused and often misunderstood right is The Right To Be An A-Hole. And damn it, no one can ever take that right away!

I was reminded of this special privilege after attending a concert last night. It was truly amazing how many people just seemed so intent on making other people around them miserable. But maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt and just hope that no one ever sat down and explained to them that there are laws and there are rules – and you need to know both. The difference is that breaking a law (robbing a bank with a water pistol, for example) can land you in the clink, while breaking a societal rule (cutting in front of others in line and the like) just makes you one who is exercising the aforementioned right that began this blog.

So as a service to society, I am proud to present part one in The Right To Be An A-Hole series:

The Rules Of Concert Etiquette.

Now these rules are different than things that just make you look like a moron but don’t really hurt anyone else. For example, everyone who’s anyone knows that you don’t wear a t-shirt to a concert that includes the name of the band that is performing. After all, if you weren’t a fan of that band, you wouldn’t be there in the first place! This is called a “T-Shirt Violation” and is a total sin and sign of ignorance amongst concert insiders. (By the way, as was the case last night, this includes things such as wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt to a Robert Plant/Alison Krauss show. To make matters worse, a shirt that looks brand new but says “Led Zeppelin World Tour 1972” on it is wrong in so many ways that it barely warrants a mention. But back to the topic at hand...)

Things like t-shirt violations, while good for a few laughs from the true aficionados, aren’t really breaking etiquette rules because they don’t bother anyone else. So without any further delay (as if that’s possible) let’s get back to-

The Rules Of Concert Etiquette

Rule # 1: Know When To Stand And When To Sit

At certain shows, maybe like AC/DC or a show at a small venue with no seats, it is totally acceptable to stand for the entire show. But at less raucous type events, other than standing as part of an ovation or maybe during an encore, it is usually best to sit. As a rule of thumb, if everyone around you is sitting and you are standing – you are bothering them!

Last night there was this big sweaty dude right in front of the stage who was standing during the entire show, and not even multiple yells of “Down in front!” or the pleading of an usher would get him to sit down. To make matters worse (much worse) he was doing this crazy kind of dance the whole time, even during the very slow songs, that resembled a grand mal epileptic seizure. I didn’t know if I should have called over security or a doctor! Unfortunately, this one jerk thought it was his private show and ruined it for many others.

Rule # 2: Don’t Try To Join The Band From Your Seat

Yes – I’m sure that you have an amazing singing voice and know every word to the songs of your favorite artist, but please save it for the car, shower, or your nearby karaoke bar. Unless the performing artist is encouraging a sing-a-long, keep your mouth shut.

Many years ago, when I was younger and braver (or stupider, as the case probably was) I was at a Jackson Browne show and the guy next to me was singing along so loudly I could barely hear good old J.B. So I turned to him and said,

“Hey dude – I can hear you sing any night of the week, but Jackson Browne is only in town for one night.”

Fortunately he took the hint and stopped singing instead of punching my lights out.

The same rule goes for doing anything else that makes it seem as if you are in the band. This chick who sat next to me last night was clapping along to every song so loudly I swear she had microphones installed in her hands and was wired through the house sound system. It would have been no less annoying if I had brought my Fender Telecaster and a portable amplifier to the show and played along.

Rule # 3: Sit In Your Own Seat

The tickets have designated sections, rows and seat numbers. If you couldn’t get to the internet on time or were too cheap to call your local scalper….ummmm…. I mean ticket broker, then just sit in your crappy nosebleeds and make the best of it. Don’t sit in someone else’s seat and then act surprised when they show up. It’s just annoying.

Rule # 4: Shut The Hell Up!!

You wouldn’t go to a play or a movie and sit there not paying attention and yapping to your friends all night. Well, just because a concert is loud, talking during the show still annoys people. And that counts for the opening act as well. Show the artist some respect! If you don’t care about the opening act and want to talk, stay in the parking lot or go out to the foyer. There are some people in there called music fans who enjoy hearing an act they may not be familiar with. And don’t forget – whoever your favorite band or artist is, they were once an opener. After all, Jimi Hendrix once opened for The Monkees, Bruce Springsteen once opened for Chicago, The Who once opened for Herman’s Hermits, and Wilco once opened for Bedtime For Jack. (Well, maybe the last one was my fantasy, but the others are true.) You never know what great band of the future you may be seeing.

Rule # 5: Keep Your Intoxication Level To A Minimum

Sure – some people like to have a drink or two before a show. But if you show up drunk off your ass, not only will you not remember the show, you will make a fool of yourself and annoy everyone around you.

Rule # 6: - Stay In Your Seat!

Why is it that Americans cannot go for more than 45 minutes without having something to eat or drink? When you decide you just can’t live without that hot dog and Coke for another second and have to make an entire row stand up to let you out, you may be interrupting someone else’s favorite song. And if you’re going out for that fourth beer, just pee while you’re out of the venue instead of coming back in and then leaving again twenty minutes later.

Rule # 7: - Don’t Yell Out Requests

Unless it’s a small bar gig or a solo acoustic performance (and it’s somewhat obnoxious then as well) these highly trained professional musicians that you have paid a small fortune to see have their show planned out. They have sound cues, lighting cues, guitar techs, crew members, and many other things going on that follow that list. And I got news for you – Bono ain’t gonna drop everything they are doing and play “Sunday Bloody Sunday” at the wrong time just because some moron is screaming it out.

Rule # 8: - Don’t Pretend You Have ESP

Look – everyone knows that these days you can go on the internet and get setlists from previous shows on the tour. But there may be people there who don’t want to know ahead of time what songs will be played and in what order. So when you very loudly proclaim “They’re gonna play Wonderwall and then Champagne Supernova and then come back for an encore” it doesn’t make you appear any smarter and you may have just ruined a great surprise for someone. You wouldn’t sit through a showing of The Crying Game yelling “She’s got a penis!!” so don’t do it at a concert either.

Rule # 9 – “Cousin Neal’s Rule”

Getting a bunch of friends together to see a show is usually a great experience, but for the person who has (or was) volunteered to secure the tickets, it can be a pain in the ass. So – if someone else got the tickets, please please please don’t complain about anything, including the exorbitant cost of the concert, crappy location of the seats, quality of the show, the fact that Ian Anderson's voice has gone considerably downhill, or anything else for that matter. Just thank them for doing the dirty job that no one wanted. Oh – and if you owe them money for the tickets, pay up before the show starts – in cash.

Rule # 10 – Reach A Reasonable Level Of Hygiene Before Entering The Venue

Listen up Flower Child. The 60’s are over, and these days it is the societal norm to shower daily and use deodorant. And believe me honey – that patchouli ain’t doing a thing to mask the foul odor coming from those unsightly unshaven armpits. It is tough for others to enjoy the concert if they are scowling the whole time due to someone's severe case of bromodrosis.

Rule # 11 – The Golden Rule Of Concert Going

Concerts are a great place to cut loose, get into some fine live music and have a good time. After all, it’s only rock and roll. But if your having a good time interferes with someone else’s right to enjoy the show, you’ve gone too far. So sit down, shut up and oh-oh-oh---listen to the music. That’s what it’s all about.

Stay tuned for part two of this informative series. See you then.

Rich

Scary Views and Gassy Mules

2008-03-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ever since The Brady Bunch did it in the late '60s, I've always wanted to take the famous mule ride down into the Grand Canyon. After traveling much of the world but never crossing this one off my list, I finally got the chance to do it last week with my kids. It was truly an amazing experience, but if you are planning on doing so one day (and you absolutely should), I gotta give you a few warnings.

First, there is something you need to know. Since the Grand Canyon is one of the most visited attractions in the world, I'm sure that many of you have been there. But if you merely went to every overlook and peered down, no matter how spectacular the views (and they are certainly real and spectacular) you haven't really seen the canyon.

Now many would say that the best way to experience this wonder of the world is to take the two day or longer hike all the way down the Colorado River and back, and they are probably right. But just as I call a plumber when my toilet is leaking and visit a mechanic when the "check engine" light goes on in my car, I figured hey - why not leave it to the professionals? In this case that meant those famous Grand Canyon mules who have been doing this for over 100 years. (By the looks of them I think there are still a few originals in the bunch.) That's right - why trust your own two feet when you can put your life in the hands (or actually feet) of a 1300 pound animal who had a jackass as a father and posseses the IQ of a cauliflower stalk?

If you've done this, you will probably know that what others have said is true - it's the experience of a lifetime - one reason being that once you do it you will never do it again! But please do it - and make your reservations now. The groups are tiny and they book up nine months to a year in advance.

And although before mounting these massive creatures they give you an hour long safety briefing which will most likely scare the shit out of you (along with having you sign a waiver where almost every other word is "death,") there are a few things they don't bother telling you. Since there is no turning back, you won't learn these things until it is too late, so as a public service announcement I'd like to let you know a few things about this crazy adventure.

- While the mules can stop and pee anytime they like, which resembles a five minute yellow thunderstorm, they encourage the riders to drink water all day long but only give you two bathroom breaks in eight hours. There is just nothing like bouncing up and down on a mule for a few miles while your bladder is about to burst.

- Speaking of body functions, some of the mules must get beans and cabbage for breakfast because a select few are constantly farting, quite noisily and odiferous. This may explain why mules don't reproduce. Oh, and by the way, the most offensive mule will have his ass directly in front of you.

- When the mule starts goofing off, which is often, they all of a sudden look up and realize it is time to catch the herd, which results in a full out gallop (which is extra fun on a full bladder). They usually choose to do this on the part of the trail with the most hairpin turns and deadly cliff-dropping views.

- The top few miles of the trail (at least until the spring melt) are covered in ice. Hikers are required to wear crampons (sharp metal spikes on their shoes) but apparantly that rule does not apply to the mules. There is nothing quite like seeing the mule in front of you slip and slide a few feet with two of their four hooves dangling over the edge of a cliff and knowing your mule is about to do the same.

- No matter how wide the trail, mules love to walk on the outer millimeter. Since their bodies are so wide, this places you midair looking straight down into the world's depeest canyon. One slip and you will turn into a bowl full of scenery.

- There are muscles in your body of which you are not aware. You will be after this trip.

- If you are the final mule in the pack (which should be blatantly obvious to anyone hiking the trail) fifty percent of the hikers will be asking you "Are you the last one?" It's good to have some ready-made answers. Here are a few of my favorites.

"No - the imaginary mule behind me is."

"Depends on which direction you are hiking."

Point to the person in front of you and say, "No - he is."

"Last? I prefer to be called Anchor Mule."

"Yes. Will you vote for me?"

"Shhh....you're getting Pancho upset."

- When a wrangler stops for a few minutes to rest the mules, the beasts will insist on standing with their front feet on the very edge of the trail facing forward into what appears to be a solid five mile drop straight down. So if there happens to be a twig, bush, dead hiker, or anything else in front of you which resembles mule food, they will lean forward and lower their stupid mule heads, giving you a straight down in-the-air overlook of the canyon - a viewpoint which no human being was really meant to see.

- Even though they say you can't bring anything, take along a small container of Purell. After having your hands on a mule all morning and using a toilet that is not much more than a big can in the ground, you'll be the hero of your group when lunch is passed around. Speaking of lunch, never read the ingredients on a beef jerky label. It ain't called jerky for nothing.

In any case, despite the smelly slipping mules and death defying views, it really was a fantastic experience. And if you are taller than 4'7" and weigh less than 200 pounds fully clothed (and they do weigh you) - then don't let anything stop you! Round up some family or friends and explore one of the seven natural wonders of the world on the back of a mule. It will truly be an experience you will never forget, or at least until the dementia kicks in.

Or if not this, do something else you have always wanted to do. You never know when your last chance will be. And feel free to drop me a line at rich@madow.com to tell me what you crossed of your list.

Rich

Oh - by the way, my new book, Is Your Frog Boiling? has been getting more positive feedback than ever! To take the "Froggy Quiz" to find out if your own frog is boiling, see the symptoms of Boiling Frog Syndrome, or check out my latest book tour schedule, please visit www.isyourfrogboiling.com.

Wart And Peace

2008-01-15T06:45:00.000-08:00

“Will you still need me,
Will you still feed me,
When I’m sixty-four?”

Yes, The Beatles classic tune When I’m Sixty-Four, which was written by Paul McCartney as a teenager and immortalized by the group on the album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band when the “cute one” was a mere twenty-four years old, came true just a few years ago. On June 18, 2006 Sir Paul turned 64 years old, and the famous line written by then rebellious Pete Townsend of The Who in the same year – “I hope I die before I get old” – became more and more irrelevant. Paul and Pete seem to be aging pretty well for two old geezers who respectively lost ten billion dollars in a divorce settlement and got busted for “researching” kiddie porn.

I don’t know about you, but when I was twenty-four years old, I thought that anyone in their sixties was a downright antique. But now the age of 64 doesn’t seem quite as old (or far away), and I know many sixty-plus year olds (or thereabouts) who are incredibly youthful. It certainly is different than the sixty-four of even a generation ago. (Talkin’ ‘bout my g-g-g-generation.)

One difference between youth and middle age seems to be the way that the open-mindedness and optimism of our twenties tends to decay into cynicism and ambivalence as we grow older. Add to that all of the internet scams and rumors that are so pervasive these days and, well, I have to admit that I really don’t believe anything I hear or see anymore. Which brings us to a somewhat personal story.

A couple of years ago, I noticed a small wart on my upper lip. It wasn’t like a huge dripping honker that would cause people on the subway to point and giggle, but it was still somewhat annoying, and realizing that it probably wouldn’t look too appetizing on those sixteen by sixteen foot screens at our upcoming Vegas seminar (which was just a few months away) I decided to do something about it.

After quite a bit of begging, pleading, cajoling, and sweet talking the receptionist at my dermatologist’s office, I was actually able to get an appointment a few weeks away. Apparently, my dermatologist is so fantastic that one cannot actually get an appointment with her. This seems to be the major status symbol in medicine.

“My doctor is so great, I have to wait three months for an appointment.”

“Well, my doctor is even BETTER, because I have to wait six months just to come in for a ‘look-see’.“

“Sorry – I’ve got that beat. My doctor is so incredibly amazing, no one can actually get an appointment. As a matter of fact, I’m not positive that he exists, but everyone says he is the best!”

So anyway, I managed to get in, and after a quick examination, I was told what I already knew – I had a wart on my lip. She said that the best route would be a surgical wartectomy, and offered to perform this procedure as her schedule allowed. So I figured that since I was going to have to wait an inordinate amount of time anyway, I may as well wait to see a plastic surgeon instead of a dermatologist. After all, we’re talking about holding a knife to your face (or I just could have wandered over to downtown Baltimore, where that happens on a regular basis).

So okay – the day finally comes to see this very fine plastic surgeon, who is used to sculpting breasts and tummies, sucking pounds of fat out of lady’s thighs, and making everyone look like Joan Rivers, and there I am with my tiny little lip wart, which he proceeded to beautifully remove in all of ten seconds, leaving no scar and what looked to be a beautiful result.

The problem with warts of course, is that they are caused by a virus, and no matter how beautiful the removal, they do tend to have a reoccurrence problem. So of course in the middle of the busy Madow Brothers World Tour my little friend (who I had nicknamed “Wharton”) decided to return for an encore. Oh – what to do, what to do?

I somehow managed to get an appointment right away with my Doctor Of Skinology (someone must have had the gall to cancel at the last minute. Actually, that’s impossible. Maybe someone died.). She confirmed that yes, Wharton had returned, but since I had the plastic surgeon remove him the first time, I should go back there instead.

With the feeling that I was being punished, I called his office, where after about ten minutes his receptionist came back on the phone and told me that since it was a wart (no duh!) I should see a dermatologist. Can’t say I blame him – if I were a plastic surgeon I probably wouldn’t get out of bed for less than ten grand, or at least the chance to do something really cool like sew up someone’s forehead or do something involving boobies.

Okay – so back on the merry-go-round again, but this time I wasn’t so lucky. I guess no one died, or at the very least became gravely ill, and the next dermo appointment wasn’t available for months.

Desperation was now setting in – I had a bunch of meetings and seminars coming up and really didn’t want to bring Wharton along. So where does one turn these days when they don’t know what else to do? Of course – that source of knowledge and information that is always guaranteed to be 100% accurate – that’s right –

The Internet!!!

Wow – what an onslaught of information!! I learned more about warts than I ever wanted to know, and was especially amazed at the amount of remedies that my finely trained physicians never even told me about! My favorite of the bunch was surely “Duct Tape Occlusion Therapy,” where you just rub your wart with an emery board and cover it with duct tape for six days, upon which point your wart does what everything else secured with duct tape does – falls off.

Sure – it sounded quite tempting, but I couldn’t quite fathom walking around with duct tape on my lip for six hours let alone six days, and then, what happens if it doesn’t work? Do you switch to WD-40? After all, a handyman once told me that the only things you need in your tool kit are duct tape and WD-40, saying,

“If it’s supposed to move and doesn’t – WD-40. If it moves and isn’t supposed to – duct tape.”

Sure makes sense to me! So after spending hours of reading about miracle cures and looking at disgusting before and after pictures, I eliminated all of the candidates except for one that just seemed to be calling my name – that’s right – “The World’s Only 20 Minute Single Application Wart Removal System” –

Wart Mole Vanish!!

After all, it was safe, 100% natural, and had no side effects! Now how could you beat that? So I forked my eighty bucks over (no insurance coverage here!) and a few days later a little jar with a few implements arrived right to my mailbox. Wow – this was sure easier than going to a real doctor!!

Okay – so here’s the procedure. First I had to wash Wharton with a sterilizing liquid (which strangely resembled water) and then scrape him with a little thing that looked like a sewing needle to open up the pores. Next came the application of the Wart Mole Vanish Cream – a white pasty substance that had to be applied very carefully lest it should touch the skin around the affected area. Ouch – it burned like hell, and even though no sizzling sounds could be heard, twenty minutes later when I washed the cream off Wharton looked like he had been set on fire. After that, I didn’t have to do anything but wait.

Now here’s the amazing thing. About four days later (sooner than promised) Wharton shriveled up and fell off faster than an 80 year old coming down from Viagra, with absolutely no scar, spot, or any other sign of his past presence. It was actually quite impressive. Months have passed, and the area looks completely beautiful. Could this stuff be the real deal? It just may be so. So why don’t physicians recommend it? I’m not really sure. I’m definitely not the type to believe in conspiracy theories (i.e. physicians don’t recommend this because it will cut into their business), but the fact is, everybody has their niche of knowledge and nobody knows everything.

Nevertheless, I am still extremely cynical about so many of the products, supplements, pharmaceuticals, nutraceuticals, etc. that are out there these days, even though whoever is hawking them can always manage to bore you with eight thousand studies done at “leading research institutions” proving why their particular snake oil is the best. I’m even more cautious about products that are sold via multi-level marketing (or as some like to call it – “network marketing”). After all, if they are so great, why aren’t they available through traditional channels?

However, sometimes no matter how much of a skeptic one may be, in times of desperation (which is how I felt with Wharton) you may be willing to try some things that you wouldn’t ordinarily do – and maybe even be happy with the results. In this case, I did, and learned along the way that maybe it’s okay to open one’s mind just a bit in an area where they once refused. You may just be amazed what can happen!

Taboo Subjects

2007-12-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

Politics and Religion

Wow – it sure has been quite some time since the last blog! Things have been pretty hectic around here, and all the more so due to the publication of my brand new book, Is Your Frog Boiling? There have been lots of speaking engagements and many radio shows in support of it, and if you haven’t been tuned in, please visit www.isyourfrogboiling.com for more information. You can even take the “Froggy Quiz” there to see if your own frog is boiling.

It’s commonly known that when doing speaking engagements, interviews, etc., unless you have been specifically asked to discuss these things, two topics to always avoid are politics and religion. So for all you Commies, I swear to God to stay away from those subjects. But as I was driving today something inherently unfair about the age-old political system in the United States occurred to me, and I can’t recall reading much about it anywhere else. So here goes.

These guys who are sometimes known as “The Framers Of Our Constitution” were pretty sharp dudes, especially that Jefferson fellow – but all of ‘em had to be pretty damn smart to have written such concise and beautiful documents as The Bill Of Rights and The U.S. Constitution. These are not only still in use centuries after their creation but have been an excellent example for all the world to see how to run a pretty decent government right up until the time that lobbyists were invented. Even so, they seem to be working quite well.

Now if you were born in a foreign country and had to take a test to become a U.S. citizen, or if you graduated in the top 8% of your high school class, you probably know that what we have here running this country are three branches of government.

The Judicial Branch, known as The Supreme Court, is in my opinion the most powerful, not only because they decide anything that is truly important, but because once appointed to this court it is impossible to leave, even if the clerk of the court has to come in every hour or so to wipe the drool from your face and change your Depends. Yes – it’s a pretty powerful bunch of old geezers on that bench. Okay - how many of them can you name? Think about it. Do you even know how many there are? (Hint: It’s a number said repeatedly on The Beatles' “White Album.”) Can you name more than three? Well you should be able to, because those codgers are the most influential nine (whoops – gave it away!) people in the country. No one seems to be able to name these extremely important people, yet everyone knows that the Vice President is Dick Cheney. But let’s face it – what the hell is the job of the Vice President except to wake up every morning and ask if the President is still alive?

That brings us to the least important branch (sorry George, Hilary, Rudy, or whoever) – the executive. But let’s skip over them for now (and forever) and move to the branch that really has me upset – the legislative branch, which consists of the Senate and The House Of Representatives. Now once again, if you had to take a citizenship test or actually stayed awake in civics class, you know that the number of congressional representatives varies by state depending on population, but every state, no matter how lame, has two senators. This is the part that is really bothering me.

Why should California (population 37,000,000) have the same amount of senators as Wyoming (population 515,000)? Five hundred thousand people in that humungous state? Wow – I feel like there are that many people here at the mall when it gets crowded. But those senators get the same vote and thus are just as influential as those from The Golden State. Do a little math and you will find that Senator Michael Enzi (R, Wyoming) is 72 times more powerful per capita than that honey-bun, Senator Barbara Boxer (D, California).

Now things are pretty populous here in Maryland, as well as those large states like California, New York, Florida, Pennsylvania, etc. And anyone from a “snob state” like me will tell you that we are the leaders in education, culture, health care, etc.. As a matter of fact, the top hospital and medical school in the country, Johns Hopkins, are right here in my hometown of Baltimore. But if you’re in one of those states that we may think are in the middle of nowhere (like, aw, I won’t insult anyone – you know who you are), you are probably saying, “Well of course you need good hospitals. That’s because if you walk two blocks in any direction from Hopkins you’ll probably get shot or mugged. Out here with the fresh air and low crime rates, we don’t need trauma centers!” And maybe you’re right.

But I still don’t see why North Dakota should have the same amount of senators as New York. And since senators are supposed to represent their population, this theoretically makes a citizen of Vermont (many of whom spend all day stoned listening to bootleg recordings of Phish concerts) much more powerful than citizens of Florida, where if age truly does equal wisdom, they should be more important that the entire European Union.

So what does it all mean? Hell if I know. But since I don’t like whining, I may just pull up my roots and move to Louisiana, which as the 25th most populous state has total parity when it comes to senatorial power. Plus, they have great music and food there!

But here’s the lesson. If your goal in life is to be a U.S. Senator, besides the fact that you should immediately seek some serious psychiatric treatment, you may want to consider moving to Montana, Delaware, Alaska, Vermont, Wyoming, or one of those crazy Dakotas. Not only will you save on campaign spending, you’ll be a lot more powerful.

See you soon! And be sure to visit www.isyourfrogboiling.com to take the “Froggy Quiz!”

Rich

A Few Casual Observations

2007-08-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

For just forty-one cents you can write a personalized letter or card in Hawaii, slip it into a box on the street any time day or night, have it processed, sorted and hand delivered right to the door of someone who lives on the East Coast of the United States, some 5000 miles away. This has got to be the greatest bargain on the face of the Earth bar none. Forty one cents!

Accolades and Academy Awards notwithstanding, Sean Penn’s portrayal of Jeff Spicoli in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” has got to be the greatest acting job of all time.

Some disposable razors seem to last a lifetime, while others tear your face to shreds after just a few days. Can anyone explain this phenomenon?

If you can’t stand rap or hip-hop music, remember that a previous generation couldn’t stand Elvis and The Beatles, and actually thought that they were dangerous to our precious youth. Rock music is supposed to alienate those who don’t understand it. To some music fans today, Jay-Z and Dr. Dre are every bit as important as Bob Dylan and John Lennon.

Bananas have one perfect day between being too green and too rotten. Grab them on that day and eat as many as possible.

Everyone thinks they are an above average driver. Ask a room of 100 people how many are above average drivers and 95 hands will go up. How is that possible?

Tea is so much better when made with water boiled in a kettle than heated in a microwave. But the water is still water, and it is the same temperature. What’s up with that? How does it know?

Mom jeans. What’s the point?

HBO has totally changed the landscape of television. It used to be the lowest form of entertainment. But hey - Six Feet Under, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc. Wow – really great stuff. It’s still a waste of time though.

Why is it that if a kid is really bad in school they get suspended? Isn’t that a reward? Do you get suspended for playing hooky? That would be the ultimate dumb punishment.

I accidentally left my cell phone in the “on” position during a long flight last week. The plane didn’t seem to be affected.

What would happen if during a traffic jam on the highway everybody just sped up?

Two Questions

2007-05-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

Okay – I just have two quick questions. Well, they may not be all that quick, but I’ll try to stay brief.

Question # 1)

You know those Goth / Punker types with tons of tattoos, blue hair, piercings everywhere, spiked collars, ripped tank tops to reveal as much of this as possible, and beards waxed to a sharp point? And that’s just the girls – the guys are even worse!

Okay – I’m all for freedom of expression, so no problem there. But why is it that when you pass one of them on the street and stare at them, they glare back and scream at you, “Hey – what the hell are you looking at?”

What do you think I’m looking at? If you don’t want people to stare at you, don’t walk around looking like a sideshow!!

Just what exactly is up with this? Okay – that is question number one.

Question # 2)

I went to a baseball game in Baltimore a few nights ago, and as expected, many people in the crowd were wearing Orioles jerseys with names on the back. (And yes – The Orioles still suck.) Same thing at The Ravens games – most of the crowd is dressed in Ravens jerseys, or at least the team colors.

Do these people in the jerseys think that it’s possible there will be a last minute injury and they’ll be called in to play? I’ve never really seen this happen. Even stranger (or perhaps not) - fans at a tennis match often wear tennis clothes or warm-up outfits. I mean really – what are you trying to do here? They are NOT going to invite you to play against Andy Roddick at the last minute, and if they did, he would kick your ass. You wouldn’t even see the serve let alone return it. So leave the tennis clothes at home.

How much further will this trend go? Should I start bringing my guitar to a concert in case one of the guys in the band slams his hand in a car trunk and can’t play anymore?

How would you feel if you walked into a dental office and everyone in the waiting room was wearing a smock, mask, gloves and had little replicas of dental tools? This is just weird. Fortunately you don’t see customers of McDonalds dressing like Mayor McCheese and The Hamburglar, but if the trend continues, it could happen.

Okay – just wondering aloud. Please let me know if you have the answers to these two very important questions. But for now, I gotta go. I have an appointment to take my car to the mechanic and seemed to have misplaced my coveralls with the name “Mack” on the front.

See you soon-
Rich

One Effect, On The Side Please

2007-05-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

Okay – so I was watching TV in bed late at night (too tired to read, too wound up to sleep) and noticed that practically every commercial was for some kind of pharmaceutical product. This recent phenomenon of drug ads is really cool – now we can finally be treated for things we never even knew we had. Allergies? Bladder control problems? Strange taste in clothes? Yeah - we got a cure for that. All you need to do is make an appointment with your doctor – you know – the one who just had a gourmet lunch brought in by a hot babe pharmaceutical rep – and we’ll get you hooked up.

Hey dude - surely you must have insomnia since it is 1:00 AM and you are watching a rerun of The Jeffersons, so call your physician immediately and load up on some Ambien. You’ll be asleep for the next month. Of course, you will not be able to operate heavy machinery, but were you really going to do that anyway? Personally, I was only planning on operating light machinery, so things should be okay.

And then, just like the small print in the car commercials, they start going over the side effects. It seems like whatever you are having cured will surely be counterbalanced by some horrible things that you never would have had if you hadn’t popped the pill in the first place. But fear not – if the side effects are really bad, there is a pill for that also. I think that one day there will be a pill that doesn’t actually treat anything at all but is loaded with those crazy side effects that we all crave. It will have a cool fake word for a name like Effexor – oh wait a minute. I think that one is already in use.

What was really scary is that one of the side effects of this sleeping pill was diarrhea. Now I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Isn’t one of the rules of life “Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night?” Now you don’t have to worry about needing two pills to ruin your mattress – one pop does it all.

Then of course the next pharma commercial was the famous Cialis ad – the one where the older couple is on top of the huge hill, both recumbent in separate bathtubs. How did they get there? I’m thinking if that guy can lug two tubs to the top of a hill he probably doesn’t need any medical help to put some lead in the pencil. Or maybe that got him so tired out that he needs all the help he can get. In either case, the whole situation seems a bit strange.

And then, just as things are getting really romantic, the big announcer voice comes in and proclaims:

“If you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, call your doctor immediately!”

Call my doctor? The hell with that! I’m calling everyone I know! It will be like a bakery line! Next – number 27! If I call my doctor it will be thank him! I don’t even want to know what the side effect of this one could be, but I’m thinking that guy better clean the water in the tub.

Alright – it’s getting late here. My sniffles (from chronic allergies) have gone away, and the chamomile tea is kicking in, so hopefully there will be no nocturnal bladder control problem like the last ad warned me about. Time to turn off George and Weezie and dream about what the side effects of watching bad TV commercials late at night could possibly be.

I'll Have A Diet

2007-01-25T07:38:00.000-08:00

Right now, as usual, I’m 35,000 feet in the air flying over a red state (funny – they all look the same from up here) but not as usual, I’m thinking about diet soda and pancreatic cancer instead of listening to my iPod. Why?

Well, not because of the supposed link between artificial sweeteners and cancer in laboratory rats. Actually as far as I’m concerned, the more rats that get cancer the better. It’s because the guy sitting next to me, the one with the big belly lopping over his seat belt (who I hope doesn’t glance over to my laptop screen lest a fight breaks out on US Airways Flight # 965) just ordered a diet soda. Here’s the scoop.

Years ago I remember a study coming out that linked coffee consumption to pancreatic cancer. This particularly alarmed me because I was in dental school at the time, had just learned that pancreatic was one of the fastest and deadliest forms of cancer, and was living on a diet of coffee and tuna sandwiches. Fortunately it turned out that the study was flawed – turned out people with early signs of this disease liked to drink hot liquids because it soothed their stomachs.

Kinda gets you thinking, doesn’t it? How many studies report accurate findings yet are flawed in their logic? For example, one may think that it is dangerous to drive a Corvette. After all, the insurance on one is expensive as hell because they get in so many accidents. But thinking more logically, it is probably just true that people that own a car like that may have a tendency to drive more recklessly. I remember when I was a kid people would always say that sitting too close to the television would ruin your vision, but I always thought it was the other way around – people with poor vision would tend to sit closer to those tiny sets just so they could see! Which brings us to diet soda.

I have made the totally unscientific yet logical observation that people who are on the heavy side tend to drink diet sodas. This practice is so commonplace that typically they just say “I’ll have a diet” and everyone knows what they mean. Of course, a normal person would reason that of course this observation is true because one who is trying to lose weight would make diet sodas part of their weight loss program. But a right brainer like me may step back and say hey – fat people drink diet soda; could it be that artificial sweeteners actually promote obesity?

Turns out there may be some truth to this, and here’s why. Many many years ago when humans were first around (which could be thousands of years ago or millions, depending on how you were brainwashed) artificial sweeteners did not exist. The only sweet food that was around was sugar, be it milk sugar (lactose), fruit sugar (fructose) or some form of what is now common refined table sugar (sucrose). When our bodies sensed that something sweet was coming in, it was always sugar, so we reacted by having our pancreas produce insulin, which counterbalanced this.

Fast forward many years to today. We ingest some form of artificial sweetener, be it the blue stuff, the pink stuff, the yellow stuff, or a “diet,” and our body gets the same basally generated message – “Something sweet is coming in – must be sugar!” So what does it do? It produces insulin just as it is programmed to. But in this case, there is no sugar to balance it out, so the free insulin continues to float around your body. And what does that do? It sends a message to our caveman brains that screams “I’m hungry – gimme a Big Mac!” Do this every day or even many days and what happens? All that “diet” is making you fat! Pretty weird, isn’t it?

Now I don’t claim to be an expert on healthy eating, but at 6’ 1” and 180 pounds I’m in pretty decent shape, especially compared to some of the balls of blubber my age that I see walking around. Going to the gym three times a week and walking a lot certainly helps things, but I think that much of this is due to my “drinking diet.” Here are the simple rules. Don’t drink anything with artificial sweeteners, and only drink things that contain sugar (including fruit juice) on rare occasions. Pretty much the only things I drink are water, black coffee, unsweetened tea, and of course alcoholic beverages, especially red wine. (Hey gotta have some fun!!) It seems pretty simple, but many people seem to have trouble keeping these unhealthy drinks out of their regimen. (I also don’t eat dessert and have really cut back on the greatest food of all time – French fries.) I have actually seen some studies that show if a person just removes sodas from their diet they can drop up to a pound a week. Now that’s a pretty big payoff for something that takes so little effort.

So the next time you find yourself saying “I’ll have a diet,” remember – that’s no diet!! Okay – time to slap on the iPod. After all, there’s a new album out by The Honeydogs!!

I’ll see you soon-

Rich

Kum Ba Yah - NOT!

2007-01-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

Just a quick heads up to those of you who go camping - a new entity has been created where they have comfortable beds, clean bathrooms, new towels and sheets every day, air conditioning (for when it is hot) and heat (for when it is cold). They deliver food to your room (usually 24 hours per day) and often times have great restaurants and bars. All major cities and most small towns have them. They are called hotels, and are quite comfortable. You should check them out.

That's it for now - over and out. I'll be back soon.

Rich

The Wrong Amendment

2006-12-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

December 1, 2006
9:35 PM
Kansas City International Airport

Wow – what could be worse than a three hour flight delay that will have me getting home at around 3:00 AM? Having it at Kansas City International Airport.

Now nothing against the fine town of Kansas City or its fantastic residents (what do you call them? Kansas Cityonians? ) but your airport has got to be the most depressing airport of any major city in North America – possibly the world. Time to implode the place as if it were an outdated Las Vegas hotel and build a new one from the ashes.

But the good news is, this will give me plenty of time to strategize how not to have someone sitting next to me on the flight. Yes – it’s Southwest Airlines time again. It seems like no matter how many frequent flyer miles and first class upgrades I accumulate, I always wind up on SWA. It certainly is convenient, but the stress of their famous festival seating arrangement can ruin your entire flight. On the way to KCI from Baltimore, I got stuck next to this guy who was continually emitting odors that could have wiped out an entire third world country. Now I love margaritas (on the rocks with salt, not those wussy frozen ones) as much as the next guy, and black beans certainly are a healthy food, but this guy alone would be reason enough to suggest an amendment that Mexican restaurants be banned from all airports.

So it’s just about time for the Southwest air free-for-all. It starts 24 hours before the flight, when you check in online to get in the “A” group so you can laugh at those losers in the “C” line, but when it comes time to board, they are the ones that hold all the cards. No matter how great your seat, at the last minute, there is always the chance that some undesirable traveler squeezes in between you and the poor person in the window seat who just wanted to relax instead of listening to boring chatter from some doofus who couldn’t even get in the “B” line.

Have you ever been on a Southwest flight, resting comfortably in the aisle position with an unused center seat, just hoping that no one will come in and sit down next to you? As each three hundred pounder or halitosis laden weirdo passes by, you breathe a little easier just knowing that they are not going to be impinging on your space (personal or otherwise) during the flight. But then, sure as the sun will set at the end of the day, right when you think you are in the clear, that obnoxious ass who was delayed because of a 120 decibel argument with the gate agent shows up with a semi-clothed screaming infant in tow and plops down right next to you, making you wish you had flown a real airline like Air Tran.

But you know what? There are actually ways to get a seat on Southwest with no one next to you. I’ll let you in on my patented ten step method, only if you promise not to tell anyone.

First of all, get on the plane early and sit in an aisle seat about two thirds of the way back. Then, as people start filing past you, put one or more of these methods into place:

1) Loudly repeat to yourself: “The doctor told me my imaginary friend is coming! The doctor told me my imaginary friend is coming!”

2) Play a video game on your laptop, making loud blow-up sounds as the invaders are being destroyed.

3) As each person passes, ask them “Is this plane going to Saturn?”

4) Wear a surgical mask (like Michael Jackson) and put lipstick on the outside of it.

5) Swipe a “reserved” placard from a restaurant and simply place it on the middle seat.

6) If someone looks like they want to step into your row, take a bite of a sandwich, have a few chews, and say “Wanna see wuh im ma mouf?”

7) Have a little Coleman cooler on your lap labeled “Human Head.”

8) Hold a clipboard in your hand, wear a whistle on a lanyard, and keep yelling out “All Aboard!”

9) Place the air sickness bag on your knee and make heaving noises.

10) Open your handkerchief and ask the potential seat taker “Does that look green or white to you?”

So there you have it – you’ll never have to worry about having elbows and ass cheeks in your way on Southwest Airlines ever again. Just don’t tell anyone.

Rich

Have It Our Way

2006-09-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

The conversations you are about to read actually took place. The names have not been changed because I can’t remember them.

June, 1998 - a Subway Sandwich Shop in Cocoa, Florida, with a hungry cranky eight year old in the back seat of a hot rental car:

Me: “I would like two tuna subs, a turkey sub, and a bologna sub.”

(It always bothered me that baloney is actually spelled “bologna.” Who the hell decided that? The same person that decided the word “lisp” should have an “s” in it? You cruel person!)

Moron behind the counter at Subway: “Well, I can get the first three subs for you, but we don’t have bologna subs. Would you like a cold cut combo?”

Me: “What is in your fabulous cold cut combo?”

Moron behind the counter at Subway: “The cold cut combo is a delicious blend of sliced turkey, bologna and ham, served on your choice of our fresh baked breads with all of the great toppings you would like.”

(Actually, he didn’t say that because he was not capable of putting a lucid sentence together or making anything sound remotely appetizing. He actually mumbled “turkey, bologna and ham” while refusing to make eye contact.)

Me: “Well, my son, who is in the car, very tired, hot and cranky, really wants a bologna sub.”

MBTCAS: “Sorry, we don’t have bologna subs.”

Me: "Do you have sub rolls?"

MBTCAS: "Yes."

Me: "Do you have bologna?"

MBTCAS: "Uhh... yeah."

Me (getting really irritated): “ Then can you just put some bologna on a sub roll and I won’t tell anyone?”

MBTCAS: “Well, I can’t do that because I wouldn’t know what to charge you.”

Me (blood pressure 180 / 124): “Just charge for a ham sub, and let’s call it a day.”

Needless to say I didn’t tell him what I was really thinking for fear that he would spit in our subs or worse (no mayo please) – and eventually he relented and made a bologna sub for us. This is an example of incredibly poor customer service. Granted, I don’t know the restaurant business, but it seems that if you have something in there that a customer wants, there shouldn’t be much of a barrier in giving it to them. And is Subway really a restaurant anyway?

Fast forward to Monday September 4, 2006 - Too Jay’s Deli in Boca Raton, Florida. I know, I know, I’m way too young to be going there. Let’s just say my kids and I brought the average age down to slightly below dead. But hey – it’s a great place for breakfast. Problem was, it was 11:09 AM.

Me: “I’ll have two scrambled eggs, wheat toast, hash browns, and coffee.”

(That’s a nicely balanced breakfast if I’ve ever heard one.)

Waitress: “Sorry – it’s after 11:00. We’re not serving breakfast anymore.”

Me: “Oh. But you have all the ingredients in the kitchen that I would like?”

Waitress: “Yes we do.”

Me: “And I’m assuming that they have not been put away in some remote location…”

Waitress: “No they haven’t.”

Me: “Then can’t you just have the chef whip it up for me?”

(I really thought she was gonna come up with some lame excuse like “Well, if I do it for you then everyone else will see and all hell will break loose." But no – this was her reply, which actually made sense for a second.)

Waitress: “Well, we’re now serving lunch, and can’t make any breakfast foods because we need the grill space for the lunch foods.”

Me: “Okay, in that case I’ll take two tuna melts on rye bread with provolone cheese, tomatoes, and a plain hamburger on the side.”

Waitress: “Okay – you got it. That sure is a lot of food.”

Me: “Actually, I don’t want that at all. But with the grill space you were gonna use for all of that stuff, can you please just make a couple scrambled eggs?”

Waitress: “Sorry – we can’t do that. But omelets are on the lunch menu. Would you like one scrambled style?”

Sometimes all you can do is shake your head and smile!

Just Don't Call Me "Hon!"

2006-08-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

Baltimore is a weird city in many ways. Sandwiched in between Washington DC (possibly the most beautiful city in the country) and Philadelphia (a huge sprawling metropolis) and just a few hours from the Mother Of All Cities, New York, we don’t always get a fair shake. If it were located in the middle of nowhere (like Chicago, for example) I think it would be a lot cooler of a place. But as it is, we need to deal with our status as a second tier town in the Bos-Wash megalopolis.

This leads to a great city with an inferiority complex, as evidenced in our many failed marketing campaigns to promote the town. Many years ago we deemed ourselves “Charm City” and even had little charm bracelets made up to increase tourism. The name still lives on in some ways, but all marketing seems to have been abandoned.

The last ten years or so have been saddled with a staggering number of failed slogans, such as:

“Baltimore Is Better.” Better than what? We paid futurist Faith Popcorn $275,000 for this clunker after which she promptly departed; probably for a city that actually is better.

“The City That Reads.” We don’t.

“The Greatest City In America.” We’re not.

“Believe.” In what?

Yes - these are all at least somewhat palatable. But our latest one is just tough to believe. It is – yes it actually is:

“Baltimore – Get In On It!”

Get in on what? The fact that we call everyone "Hon?" I really can’t figure out what the hell that one means. It seems as if we were trying to cash in on the overt sexiness of the hugely successful “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” without being too crass. I can only imagine what some out-of-town hotshot was paid for that one.

So just when it seemed that the City Of Baltimore was incapable of coming up with a decent slogan for anything, I was cruising down I-83 from stately suburbia into the downtown area – which just like the city itself is a beautiful drive punctuated by some pretty nasty sites, one of these being the Baltimore City Jail.

Now you never really think of a jail as being in the marketing biz, but I guess when the place is so overcrowded, they need to do some “reverse psychology marketing” – in other words, how can we keep people out of this place? So here is how the tremendous sign read that was hanging from the barred windows, easily visible through the barbed wire:

“Drop The Gun Or Pick A Room.”

Now that’s what I call a slogan! Short, memorable, and it makes a good point. The only problem is, we realized a few years back that Baltimore is not actually “The City That Reads” (graffiti artists had a free-for-all changing that one the “The City That Breeds”) so my worry is that no matter how great a slogan, if it doesn’t get to the intended audience it is completely wasted. Maybe it’s time to throw my own hat into the ring and create the slogan that will finally stick in Charm City. However, I have a feeling “Baltimore - Visit Often But Live In The Suburbs” is just not going to make it.

There Is No Such Thing As A Free Salad

2006-06-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

There is a great Japanese / Chinese restaurant near our office called Sonny Lee’s. Coincidentally, the owner’s name is Sonny Lee. (Many Asian restaurants tend to be named after their owners. My favorite is a Vietnamese pho joint in Las Vegas owned by Kim Long. Pho, the traditional Vietnamese noodle dish, is pronounced “pha,” which I think he should have taken into consideration before naming the place “Pho Kim Long.” But hey – whatever works.)

Anyway, Sonny Lee is a fantastic place, and since both the sushi and Chinese are excellent, I have no problem going there four times per week! Also, Sonny and his staff are very customer service oriented and provide a great, friendly experience. They go out of their way to please a customer. But there is one rule at Sonny Lee’s that can never be broken. I call it “The FS Policy.” You see, they have a great salad there – it’s made of spaghetti-shaped cucumber slices, artificial crab sticks (we have great artificial crabs here in Maryland), avocado slices, spicy Japanese dressing, and other secret ingredients that no one can name. It’s called “Sonny’s Salad,” and goes for about four bucks on the menu. But when you sit at the sushi bar, the sushi chef sticks a free one in front of you before you even order! Wow – now that is a deal.

The thing is, no matter how good of a customer you are, if you sit at a table, you can not get a free salad (FS for short). Sit at the sushi bar and it’s free – sit at a table and it’s four bucks. No one can explain the reason for this, but it is a rule that just can’t be broken.

Now for free food, you just gotta love a good Asian restaurant. They have excellent tea (free), good and greasy fried noodles (free), and a fortune cookie sitting on a scoop of sorbet for dessert (also free). So if you go to Sonny’s and sit at the sushi bar, you can pretty much have a free lunch of an excellent salad, big tasty fried noodles, and sorbet for dessert with all the tea you can drink. Not only is that an incredible deal, it covers most of the food groups – vegetables, protein, grease, sugar, and caffeine. Wow – that’s amazing! I haven’t had the balls to do this, but I often wonder what they would do if after eating the free salad, scarfing down some delicious free noodles with free hot mustard and free duck sauce, and drinking the no charge tea, I said I was finished and was ready for my free dessert. This now brings up another incident of free stuff from long ago.

Many years ago, I was so frustrated with dentistry, insurance companies, and unappreciative patients that I had trouble sleeping through the night. So there I was, watching TV at 4:20 AM when a miracle occurred. Okay, maybe it was an infomercial, but it was so entertaining and mind-blowing I just could not turn it off. You see, there was this dude named Robert Allen, and he had made so many millions buying real estate with no money down that he was willing to do a big favor for the Regular Joe (or in this case, the sleepless Rich). After he showed off his palatial estate, private jet, racing yacht, and several beautiful young women with incredible implants, he told me that life has been so good to him he was willing to reveal his “secret” to real estate riches to all of the schmucks who wanted a better life but weren’t sure what to do.

“Wow,” I thought to my tired self. “This so called ‘secret’ must cost a fortune. And what are the chances that this fancy schmancy Robert Allen dude will be dragging his millionaire ass to a blue collar town like Baltimore?”

Well, as incredible fate would have it, he was not only coming to Baltimore, but to multiple locations here, including the dilapidated Comfort Inn in Pikesville, just six miles from my house! (I was sure that he was staying at The Hyatt down by the harbor and being limo’ed to his daily location.) Okay – so how much is this all gonna cost? (I was mentally prepared to drop a few hundred if necessary – maybe up to a grand.) Well, you will not believe this, but the course was FREE!! This guy is just unbelievable! What he is willing to do to help his brethren!!

So, next Tuesday morning at 8:30 AM sharp I learned that I wasn’t the only person in the Greater Baltimore area who wanted this secret to real estate riches for free. Turns out the place was mobbed with anxious future millionaires. I took a seat near the back – not just because I was embarrassed to be there, but mostly so once Robert revealed his “secret” I could quickly get my butt out of there and immediately begin snatching up these real estate bargains before everyone else.

Imagine my disappointment when I learned that the course was not being given by Robert himself, but by one of his “real estate investment specialists” named Chuck Samuel. (Why do these guys all have two first names?) Oh well, if he is good enough to have Robert call him a specialist he should be good enough for me. He started the show with a video of all the people who have already made millions with his secret. Each and every one of them had a huge house, a great sports car, a boat, and a young wife/girlfriend with tight clothes and a lot of cleavage (except for the female millionaires, who all seemed to have a very attractive full-bred dog fetching something). This was amazing! I sat on the edge of my back row seat with great expectations.

After about two hours of generic information about the real estate market, my man Chuck was ready to reveal the goods – the Holy Grail – the secret to eternal riches! Hey – wait a minute!! It turned out that the “secret” was going to be revealed next week in a special “Closed Door Session” in Tyson’s Corner, Virginia, and it would cost a cool three grand for the workbook, tapes, manuals, and one “free” telephone coaching session with a representative from an investment firm that seemed to be sponsoring the whole thing. But hold on here Chuck – I don’t want all that crap – I just want the “secret!” And I can’t make it to Tyson’s Corner next week – hell – I already cancelled a crown, some fillings, and six hygiene patients just to come to the crummy Comfort Inn.

I went home that evening, put on some old Neil Young, popped open a Bud (hey – they were on sale) and started to do some deep thinking. If I were going to improve my practice, my life, and the world in general, it wasn’t going to be easy and it wasn’t going to be free. You can’t get much for nothing, and those who think they can are just left behind dreaming about what could have been. So it took some planning, some work, some time, and some money, but I did manage to get my shit together, and re-learned an old lesson – “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” Except, that is, at the sushi bar at Sonny Lee’s – which is where I’m headed right now. If you’re ever in Reisterstown, Maryland between noon and 1:30 PM, stop in to say hello. Lunch is my treat!

Bat Day At SWA

2006-04-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

“In these times of heightened security…” I think if I hear that blasting over the loudspeaker at an airport one more time I’m going to scream! This is simply the way it is. We are never going to go back to the days when anyone could enter an airport carrying a sub-machine gun and just waltz back to the gate.

One thing I am getting sick of though is taking off my shoes to get through security. Not that I mind being barefoot – that’s actually my preferred mode of dress. It’s just that stepping in that area where a zillion others have just planted their fungus infested feet is totally gross! And it’s all because one asshole tried to hide a bomb in his shoe and wasn’t even successful at setting it off. Just because of that one jerk we all now have to de-shoe just to board a plane – and he is forever immortalized as “The Shoe Bomber.” Why couldn’t it have been “The Bra Bomber?” Now that would make going through security a hell of a lot more fun!!

Okay – I’m not complaining. It’s nice to know that someone is looking out for us. But I just don’t understand a few of these rules. Here in Baltimore, to get into a Ravens game, you are not allowed to bring in any bags that you can’t see through. So since we don’t always feel like paying fifteen bucks for a reheated burger, it is our game day ritual to bring in sandwiches from our favorite local hangout – Mark’s Deli in beautiful Reisterstown, MD. Now as any good deli does, they wrap the sandwiches in aluminum foil and plastic wrap (an environmentalist’s dream) – clearly a very opaque package. But if you put these sandwiches in a clear bag, it is okay to bring them into the stadium. So essentially you could wrap a gun or a box cutter in aluminum foil, and as long as you then put them in a see through bag, they can be brought into the stadium.

Well, it gets even more ridiculous. I took my kids to see The Orioles (you know – the team that used to be the best franchise in baseball but now totally sucks) and it seemed like the ritual of getting into the stadium took over an hour. We were patted down, had our pockets and bags inspected, had to stand in different lines for males and females (I’m surprised that the transvestite community has not raised a stink about this one yet), couldn’t park within a mile of the stadium because those roads were closed – short of a strip search I think we had every sort of security precaution taken (except for the obvious one of walking through a metal detector, which would have taken all of ten seconds and made everything else unnecessary) – and by the time we made it into the game it was already the second inning, which is typically the time I get bored and am ready to leave anyway.

But get this – since The Orioles suck so bad and are having trouble getting people to go to the games, it was one of those special promotional days – Bat Day!! That’s right – after making sure that we weren’t bringing in any weapons of mass destruction, they gave everyone entering the stadium a baseball bat!!

Now I’ve watched enough crime shows on TV to know that you can do a lot of harm with a baseball bat by swinging it at something or someone other than a baseball. I actually keep one under my bed at home (damn you intruder – take this lame lefty swing of mine!!) But it doesn’t really matter – because if ten jerks at the game decided they wanted to cause some trouble with their bats, there would be 49,900 others who could just club the living shit out of them!! And it worked – the game went off without a hitch. There weren’t even any fights between a few jerks who guzzled down too many seven dollar beers – possibly a first for an Orioles game!

So message to the airlines. If there hasn’t yet been a “Bra Bomber” (hey – I can always hope) – don’t even bother with all that security stuff. It just aggravates us and wastes our time. And PLEASE don’t make me remove my laptop again. I mean – what’s up with that? Do you want to see my beautiful PowerPoint presentations? Just forget the entire security screening thing and hand everyone a baseball bat as they board the plane. It may even increase airline bookings.

“Every day is Bat Day on SWA!” Imagine the marketing possibilities, not to mention the tremendous increase in safety and peace of mind. But hey – airline executives – no need to thank me. But if you want to toss a few first class upgrades my way, that would be just fine.

The Day The Music Didn't Die

2006-02-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long and great concert season here in the Mid-Atlantic, and one that has brought up thoughts about the current state of music. The industry has seen more changes in the last few years than in the rest of its history. Downloadable songs, both legal and illegal, are filling the ubiquitous iPod, and it’s anyone’s guess how much longer the “record store” as we know it will last.

The huge cost of touring has made it very difficult for up and coming bands, and has allowed the still popular dinosaurs to lift a few hundred bucks per ticket from their baby boomer fans.

Worst of all, as radio grows more and more format oriented (as if that were possible), it is tougher and tougher for some new and fantastic artists to get heard. But this is jumping ahead. Let’s get back to that concert season for a second. Say what you will about Baltimore (or more likely, say nothing), but its location may make it one of the best music cities in the country, provided you don’t mind a little travel. In the last few months, we saw Paul McCartney in Philadelphia, The Rolling Stones in Washington, DC and Jethro Tull in New York at Carnegie Hall! All were easy trips and well worth it. And amazingly, all three of these way-past-middle-age acts were great. McCartney and The Stones are both coming off excellent new albums, and were quite generous in their selection of tons of classics – both expected and a few cool surprises. And even though Ian Anderson’s voice made it sound as if he had laryngitis for a fortnight straight, Jethro Tull was quite impressive as well. The band was top notch, Ian’s flute playing was surprisingly smoking hot, and the addition of the mysteriously beautiful violinist whose name currently escapes me made for an evening fit for one of the world’s greatest venues. This string of shows wrapped up with the glorious return of The Stones to our beloved Baltimore (their first visit since 1969!!) in their last gig before the Super Bowl, ummm…. I mean the Big Game, for what is being called the best show of the current tour.

On the other hand, during the same time period, we saw shows in much smaller venues by lesser known artists such as Guster, Jill Sobule and Ben Kweller. And as cool as it was seeing arguably some of the greatest acts in the history of rock music, it was actually much more fun to see extremely talented young artists with only a few albums to their name playing a small venue where you could see, feel and smell every nuance of the music and the crowd. That’s what rock and roll is really about.

Unfortunately, many of my fellow baby boomers seem to be stuck in a musical rut. There is so much great material from our musical youth that we don’t really have the need or compulsion to explore what’s out there now. But anyone who thinks that no great music has been made since The Clash released “London Calling” in 1979 is dead wrong. Unfortunately, the airwaves and TV are loaded with such shit today that it takes a keen ear, lots of desire, and a network of like minded friends to really find the worthwhile stuff. With that in mind, I would like to present some artists from the last decade or so who are producing excellent music, yet have stayed a bit under the radar – some more than others. So in no particular order, here it goes!

Fountains Of Wayne

They had sort of a breakthrough hit with “Stacy’s Mom,” but there is so much more to this quirky pop-rock band from New Jersey. Their most recent album, Welcome Interstate Managers, is a good place to start as it traverses through hilarious power pop – (the opening lyric of the album will have you cracking up right from the start), beautiful folky stuff, Oasis like rock and roll, and tunes so catchy you may want to sue them for not being able to get the CD out of your player and the melodies out of your head. Next, work backwards to Utopia Parkway and then the debut Fountains Of Wayne. Sure – there are lots of songs about cars, girls, and New Jersey, but isn’t that what great rock music is all about?

Guster

No bass, no drums – just two acoustic guitars, an incredible conga player and some of the sweetest harmonies around, combined with crafty introspective songwriting – that’s Guster. They met at Tufts University and put out Parachute – a somewhat crude first effort that showed incredible promise. What followed were three of the best albums to come out in years, coupled with a great live show that helped them build a huge college following on the East Coast.

Start with the classic third CD Lost And Gone Forever. If you like the poppier side of Guster, move on to the fourth album Keep It Together (my personal favorite) where they actually add bass and drums on many tracks and still manage to throw in a few slow burners of the highest magnitude (including the delicious “Come Downstairs And Say Hello”). If the more introspective side appeals to you, drop back to the favorite of the hard core fans, Goldfly. Either way you won’t be disappointed and will eventually wind up with all four albums anyway. And whatever you do – don’t miss them when they come to your town.

Ben Kweller

Okay – is it too clichéd to say that Ben Kweller is a “young kid bursting with talent?” But he’s not the new Dylan (and neither is the entirely overrated Bright Eyes!) Being courted by major labels since he was fifteen years old and had a band called Radish, for his first solo album, Sha Sha, Ben went with the creative control only an indie could give him, and the results are nothing short of spectacular. Sha Sha is the kind of CD that will stick a big grin on your face and get buried into your soul at the same time. Using Beatlesque harmonies, incredible song writing, and a refusal to take himself too seriously, Ben will surprise you and pull you closer with each listen. And while the follow up, On My Way, didn’t break much new ground, you’ll want to get that too, because listening to Ben Kweller is like an addiction.

While you’re at it, don’t forget to check out the other Bens – the much more well known Ben Folds and Australia’s best kept secret Ben Lee.

Jill Sobule

It’s unfortunate that Jill is perhaps best known for her bisexual almost-hit “I Kissed A Girl,” because as great as that song is, she is anything but a novelty act. With no airplay, multiple label droppings, and an almost permanent opening act status, Jill continues to improve with every album; 2005’s Underdog Victorious being perhaps her finest. Her songwriting goes from incredibly touching to outright hilarious, her acoustic guitar playing is gorgeous, and her little girl voice incredibly expressive. Underdog begins with the incredibly confessive song “Freshman” (a true tale about chasing your dreams and what you have to settle for to do it) to tripping on mushrooms (the incredibly catchy “Cinnamon Park”- done to the riff from Chicago’s Saturday In The Park), prostitution in Israel (“Tel Aviv”) all the way to a bonus track that brings back her earlier lesbian themes. But she’s no Indigo Girl – Jill songs about male/female relationships are as good as they get. Check her out – you won’t be sorry.

Keane

Like Coldplay but don’t know where to go next? Check out Keane - another piano based band from the UK. But instead of trying to be the next U2, Keane just puts out gorgeous melodies that are fun to listen to on their debut Hopes And Fears. Plus, the track “She Has No Time” is incredibly beautiful and heartbreaking – if you like that kind of stuff!!

Kasey Chambers

What is a country singer doing on this list, let alone one from Australia? Well, like her fellow comrades in intelligent country songwriting, Mary-Chapin Carpenter and Lucinda Williams, Kasey should be heard by a wider audience; in her case both through genre and geography. On my iPod I have five versions of her song “The Captain,” and whenever it comes up on shuffle, people immediately ask “Who is that?”

Kasey’s voice is hard to describe, but she certainly isn’t Patsy Cline. She has a way of wrapping her voice around intelligent lyrics so expressively yet with a sound so innocent – even when the subject matter is far from that. Stylistically she is all over the place, but it all works. If you’ve never experienced fine country music (it’s not an oxymoron) and want to hear some that is fresh and exciting, check out Kasey. Her first album, The Captain, would be the obvious place to start. And when you get hooked (which you will) and run out of CDs to buy (she has three full length albums) it will be well worth your while to hunt down her EP of mostly well chosen live covers, On The Road With Kasey Chambers. Or – you can beg me and I just may burn it for you.

Ryan Adams

The great thing about Ryan Adams is also the biggest problem – he is so darn prolific that just when you start getting into something he comes out with something new, and in a totally different style. That’s why Demolition may be a good place to start. It’s an album of B-sides and demos that demonstrates many of his styles all in one easy to digest disc – and the songs are anything but throwaways. Actually, it may be his songwriting more than his low key delivery and ability to change styles at the drop of a hat that makes him so appealing. Check out the radio ready Gold, the aptly named Rock N Roll or the sprawling Grateful Dead influenced Cold Roses, and you’ll see what all the fuss is about. But whatever you do, don’t call him Brian!!

Okay – so you remember the late sixties and early seventies, when “concept albums” ruled the world? One can argue all day about what the first true concept album was (Little Deuce Coupe by The Beach Boys? P.F. Sorrow by The Pretty Things? The Who’s Tommy? Freak Out by The Mothers Of Invention? Who the hell knows?) But one thing is for sure – the genre wore itself out and became almost parody by the time obnoxious arena rock bands got a hold of it in the 80s (Paradise Theater by Styx anyone?) - but there is still a small place for intelligently crafted albums that are woven around a theme. Here are two you may want to check out.

Webb Brothers

Yes – their pedigree as the sons of Jimmy Webb, one of the finest songwriters of all time, may make them destined for greatness, but you won’t find anything like “Wichita Lineman” or “By The Time I Get To Phoenix” on their creepy masterpiece Maroon. A tale of pick-up bars, drug overdoses, and the seedy nightlife in underside of Chicago may not sound too uplifting, but The Webb Brothers pull it off in a way that begs repeated listening. This is one of my favorite albums of the last ten years – one that gets its hooks in you and just won’t let go.

The Honeydogs

It’s a bit difficult to understand just exactly what is going on during 10,000 Years. Post apocalyptic world? Check. Cloning? Check. A hero born to save the planet? Check. But it doesn’t play out like a favorite of the Star Trek crowd – it’s a CD of catchy melodies, recurring melodic themes, and lyrics just flaky enough to catch your ear. Good stuff from a band that deserves more recognition.

Oh…..and one more thing.

Because they have been making music since the early ‘70s, the crazy musical chameleons known as Sparks don’t really fit into this piece. But this band unleashed such a masterpiece in 2002 that its non-inclusion would cause severe pangs of guilt. Blazing a musical trail that has somehow predicted or predated power-pop, glam, operatic rock, techno, disco, and more, Sparks had been uneventfully cruising along with a never ending string of mediocre albums since their classic period of 1973 to 1980 or so.

But seemingly out of nowhere, the Mael Brothers (mysteriously loony and shy Ron as composer / pianist / musical arranger and slightly androgynous Russ as the gifted tenor frontman) came out with an album that completely defies description. Not rock, not Broadway, not quite performance art – it is simply an extension of the bottled up genius of Sparks, and Lil’ Beethoven remains an incredible music listening experience. It is without a doubt one of the most daringly creative yet incredibly catchy albums of the last ten years.

But with the daring and creativity come a warning. You will most likely hate it upon the first listen, and there is a good chance that many will never warm up to it enough to discover its incredible charms. Many people will feel it was the biggest waste of fifteen bucks in their lives (Bright Eyes and the incredibly overrated Trout Mask Replica by Captain Beefheart excepted). But for those who “get it” – there is only one way to describe Lil’ Beethoven – pure genius.

So just remember folks – there HAS been a ton of good music released since the Golden Era of rock and roll. It just takes a little work to find it.

The Fine Art Of Silence

2005-12-08T05:26:00.000-08:00

I’m the kind of person that relishes being surrounded by sound. Thinking of an activity that isn’t enhanced by music is practically impossible for me. Be it rock, jazz, classical – you name it – there certainly is no shortage of great music around, and for me it’s almost akin to life itself.

Sunday morning coffee on the porch without Miles Davis? Unthinkable. Driving and rock and roll were made for each other. New age enhances a massage as much as classical goes with fine dining. And how would playing cards with my old college buddies be without popping on the old Springsteen albums we worshipped so much in the halls of higher education. Exercise – put on some punk rock and go crazy! Cooking? How about a little modern folk? The list goes on forever.

But it’s not just music. There is something about being surrounded by noise that makes us feel alive. A noisy restaurant is lively; a quiet one dead. The sounds of the city are vibrant; the cheering of a crowd exciting. At the opposite end of the spectrum, lack of noise can be downright creepy.

When I was in bed for several months recovering from an illness, I became acutely aware of just how much noise there is in our world. Dogs barking at a squirrel erupted like an earthquake in my head. The telephone was turned off in the bedroom, but even ringing from a distant part of the house was more than enough to disturb my rest. Knowing that many of the calls were friends or family calling to wish me well made no difference – the noise was annoying!

Even my favorite sound – the sound of my kids coming home from school – became noise pollution of the highest degree.

Have you ever taken a long car ride with someone that you didn’t know very well? There is a strange pressure to keep a conversation going, now matter how forced or trite.

“Nice driving weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”

“Sure is. Could be some clouds up ahead though.”

“Well, we sure could use the rain.”

Yikes! Who cares??

Sure – this can be a great opportunity to get to know someone better and learn things you never would have had the chance to know. But it can also be a rolling prison cell of small talk and forced conversation. Ever driven a babysitter home late at night who had nothing to say? It’s the longest ten minutes in history!

On the other hand, a long drive with a close friend or relative doesn’t carry the same pressure. Sure – it’s a great time to have conversation. There’s even something about sitting side by side (as opposed to face to face) that can really make you let your guard down for some interesting and intimate talks. But most of all, with a person you already know very well, there is that beautiful chance to enjoy the silence pressure free, without feeling obligated to talk. You can take time to contemplate the scenery, get your thoughts together, or just completely zone out and give your brain a much needed rest. Sometimes the best mental rest period comes not from napping or sleeping but from spacing out. (Warning - this usually works best if someone else is driving!)

Someone once commented to me how you could always tell which couples in a restaurant had been married the longest because the length of the marriage was in reverse proportion to the amount of talking they do with each other during dinner. After some observation, I began to believe that there was some truth in that, and began to spot many older couples sitting together without much conversation.

Of course it’s easy to immediately assume the worst – that twenty or thirty years of marriage will suck the life out of you, leading to a horrible condition where couples just completely run out of things to say to each other, being forced to spend the rest of their existence in a state of muteness simply because everything had already been said. What a life! Just take me now and end the misery!

But wait a minute! Is it conceivable that people can be so intimate and so secure in each other’s company that being together quietly is a welcome blessing? It is entirely possible. Of course, they may actually have run out of things to say or worse yet, just plain despise each other’s presence. But maybe, and even more likely, they are savoring some moments of silence and are under no pressure at all to have idle conversation.

During my recovery, it wasn’t until several steps were taken to insure a reasonable amount of silence that healing could truly begin. Silence was, like food and water, physically and mentally nourishing. I quickly learned why blaring loud (and bad) music was used to torture prisoners and resolve hostage situations. (Okay, okay – I’ll confess! Just turn off the Styx and Journey records!!)

It’s great to be whole again, and to revel in the music and noise that is life. But I have found that there is also an art to appreciating silence. A good noise free period truly nourishes the spirit and refreshes the soul.

EXERCISE

Find at least ten minutes each morning and evening where you can clear your head by appreciating silence, or at the very least the sounds of nature. If you have kids, right after they leave for school is a great time. In a pinch, you can do this while driving. Just roll up the windows and turn the radio off for a change. Let the silence envelop you and nourish you. You’ll be surprised what a recharge you can get just from this simple exercise. It’s a great time for deep thinking, but don’t feel compelled to think at all. You’ll be amazed at what can happen when your brain is truly clear – and it may just be something great!!

The Ravens Suck

2005-11-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

Okay - I know it's been a while since my last blog, and to be honest with you, this one's not going to be much, so not only do I apologize in advance, but I will go the extra mile and promise you a blog soon filled with humor, philosophy, grace, and maybe even a few four letter words.

But for now, let's just say this - The Baltimore Ravens Suck. I mean they really suck.

But why the hell do I care? I am much more interested in music than sports. Football is a bunch of grown men knocking each other to the ground in a display of total chaos. Music is beautiful, soothing, energizing, invigorating, filled with expression, occasionally thought provoking, and just in general brings joy to my life. Hell, even depressing music brings joy to my life. As a matter of fact, music, both listening and playing, pretty much controls my being. (Well, that and sex, but my kids may be reading this.)

Last Sunday I went to a football game in the afternoon (the embarrassing trouncing of The Ravens by The Bengals) and attended a concert that night (the ever blossoming band Guster) and I gotta tell you, there was no comparison between the two events. Music rules. Football can be fun, but not this year if you live in Baltimore.

Sure - we won The Super Bowl in 2000 (I think) - but right now The Ravens would have a tough time beating Cal State Fullerton. Why?

- Our star running back Jamal Lewis hasn't been the same since he returned from jail (a common theme with The Ravens)

- Our starting quarterback (Kyle Boller) is injured, and Anthony Wright, his replacement, apparently couldn't pass the peripheral vision test at the MVA (or, as it may be called in your state, the DMV).

- Kyle Boller sucks anyway, but manages to keep his job because the chicks think he is hot

- Our bonafide star, linebacker Ray Lewis, is not only injured, but even when healthy may be spending too much time worrying about his highly successful barbecue restaurant and how to do that silly dance he does when introduced during the pre-game ceremonies to actually concentrate on football.

- His protege, Ed Reed, decided to get injured too so that they could spend more time together on the sidelines.

- The head coach, Brian Billick, is so damn stubborn he refuses to make any changes no matter how bad his initial decisions were. This, in my opinion, is the worst part of all. C'mon Brian - don't stick with it if it isn't working!!

But here is the thing that really gets me pissed off. When The Ravens built their new stadium, in order to get season tickets, you had to buy these things called PSLs - one for each seat that you have. That's right - just for the opportunity to purchase season tickets for $150 a pop, you have to spend over a grand per seat - to have the right to do it! What a racket!! Plus, you have to buy the tickets to the lame-ass pre-season games at FULL PRICE! So technically, you own the seats (although I don't think they would let you take them home) and then are forced to buy season tickets. If you don't, they can take away your PSLs, so you don't really own them anyway. Whoever thought of that system is a friggin' genius!

Of course, all of this wouldn't be so bad if The Ravens didn't suck. But I'm afraid they do.

Okay - at least there will always be good concerts on the horizon, like Ben Folds and Ben Kweller, who are both coming up soon. And there's always Maryland basketball.

See you soon-
Rich

TBSE And Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone-
As I am writing this, I've got one eye on the television and am still amazed at the complete devastation and disruption caused by Hurricane Katrina. The events that are unfolding are actually unthinkable, especially for it to be occurring in the United States. It is impossible to describe the emotions that we are all feeling.

As you all know, TBSE 2005 was scheduled for New Orleans, and we are moving very quickly to relocate the event. It is our absolute goal to provide the best seminar we possibly can in spite of the challenges we are facing.

I have really been touched by the hundreds of emails I have received in the past few days expressing sympathy, encouragement, and most of all, so many extremely generous offers to help us out. Thank you so much everyone!! Dave and I both really appreciate everybody's kind words and patience.

It is a stressful time for everyone, and that has brought some unusual communications as well. I wanted to share with you an email that I received this morning as well as my response as this may answer questions of a different type that people may have.

Hey Madow Group -

Instead of changing the seminar to another location how about canceling the whole thing and donating all the money we have all paid and the BIG profit you make to the Red Cross etc... to help with the Katrina disaster?
Karen Buckingham, RDH
Bloomington IN

Hi Karen-

Thanks for your suggestion.

We are totally heartbroken about the horrible situation in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. We have many friends there and have made many more through planning TBSE 2005. We also have Richards Report subscribers who we can't even get in touch with. It is a truly shocking and devastating occurrence.

At The Madow Group, we are dedicated to helping the needy and displaced. We have already made a large contribution to The American Red Cross, and will continue to place much effort into helping out. However, your suggestion is really not feasible.

First of all, if we cancel TBSE, the "BIG profit" which you suggested we donate will not be there. We will actually incur a huge deficit if the event is cancelled, which will, among many things, hamper our ability to help the victims.

Secondly, we do not have carte blanche from the people who have paid tuition to TBSE to just cancel the event and donate their money! We don't control that money - it was sent to us in good faith so that they will be able to attend a fantastic dental continuing education event. We are working tremendously hard to make sure that this happens. It is not only our obligation, but our mission to present TBSE - just like we did shortly after 9/11 and just as we will continue to do - the show must go on. While we are encouraging others to contribute in any way they can, we certainly cannot start donating other people's money that they have sent us in good faith.

At The Madow Group, we are all working as hard as possible to relocate TBSE and make it the best dental event of the year while continuing efforts to help the Katrina victims as well as encouraging other to do so.

Thanks for your suggestions. We hope to see you at TBSE and also hope that all of our efforts to produce this event will also benefit those unfortunate people in the Gulf area.

Rich

Please feel free to send any further questions to me or Dave - you can find us at rich@madow.com and dave@madow.com.

We hope that all of you do whatever feels right so that you can help the victims of Katrina. Keep checking our website for an announcement VERY SOON about TBSE 2005. We hope to see you there!

Rich

The Old Man And The Lake

2005-07-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Wow - it's been a while since the last blog! With so many other writing tasks, the blog just got put on the old back burner. Plus, I've had the good forutne of getting to do lots of travel this summer, both for business and pleasure - many times for both. As a matter of fact, I'm sitting in an airport right now waiting to board a flight on Southwest Festival Seating Airlines. (Hey - they have some great routes!)

We just spent a fantastic long weekend in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire - absolutely one of the most gorgeous spots in the world - we were just in Tuscany a few weeks ago, and as amazing as that area is, for pure natural beauty it's got nothing on Lake Winapasaukee.

We were up here visiting our son who has spent the last nine summers in New Hampshire, and our college-bound daughter decided to take some time off from her summer of sleeping late and relaxing to join us on the trip. So anyway, we were having a great time hanging out in The Granite State (even though the "Live Free Or Die" license plates were starting to bother me a little bit - it sounds more like a threat than a motto) when one evening late at night I was kind of restless and decided to take a walk on one of the lake paths.

Now New England, once you get a certain amount of miles outside of Boston, is still filled with some crusty old strange characters, and as I was walking along minding my own business, one suddenly appeared in front of me. (It's weird how when you are away from home you get a different view of personal safety. Personally, I think nothing of wandering around a strange town anyhwhere in the world at any hour of the night, but would never dream of doing that in my hometown of Baltimore. Actually, maybe that feeling is justified.)

So anyway, this guy,who looks like he was playing a survivalist on a bad made-for-TV movie, stands in front of me and gently grabs my arm.

"Hey buddy - how you doing?," he asked in a low raspy voice.

I mumbled something and started to walk away.

"Hey - where you going? I wanted to invite you to a party tonight in my cabin. It's starting in just a few minutes."

Well, I didn't have much interest in attending, but figured at this point my best bet was to play along and then politely decline.

"What kind of party?" I asked. Actually, I was a bit curious to see what kind of get together this strange creature was planning.

"Well," he said, "I just want to warn you, it might get a little crazy."

"Really? How so?," I asked.

"Well, there's gonna be some dancing."

That sounded okay to me.

He continued. "There might be a little drinking."

Okay - so far it didn't sound much different than many parties I have attended.

"There might be some cussing!"

I expected no less at this point.

"...and I gotta warn you, there might be some fighting."

Well, fighting is definitely not my thing, and I think he saw the expression on my face change to one of worry. As if to get me interested again, he added

"And there definitely is gonna be some sexin'! Matter of fact, party's just about to start!"

Thinking of a way to politely bow out, I asked, "So how many people are you expecting at this party?"

A little drool came down his lip, and he growled - "Buddy - it's just gonna be YOU AND ME!!"

I broke away, ran like hell, and promised not to wander around alone at night anymore!

There Ought To Be An Idiot Charge

2005-04-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

Okay - I sat down at the computer to write about a completely different topic today, but the first thing I saw on my Yahoo home page was a news story that I just couldn't let go of.

Seems that Jennifer Wilbanks, the young woman from Georgia who was reported kidnapped just a few days before her wedding, setting off a nationwide search, wasn't kidnapped after all. She just got "cold feet" before her wedding and decided to take a little trek to Las Vegas and then to New Mexico, where finding herself with no money decided to admit the truth. So in how many ways is this woman an idiot?

First of all, if you're not sure you should be getting married, Las Vegas is probably the last place on Earth you should go. There is more drinking, sex, and exposed flesh there than anywhere else in the world, with the possible exception of The French Quarter in New Orleans. Nobody in Las Vegas wants to be married! That's why it exists! And then what's next on this wild jaunt? Albuquerque? Why there? To see what married life will look like thirty years down the road?

But here's the thing, Jen. If everyone who had second thoughts about getting married ran away the week of the wedding, no one would ever get married! All the invitation companies, bridal shops, caterers, tux rentals, and Justices Of The Peace would be out of business. (What does a Justice Of The Peace do anyway besides civil wedding ceremonies? Is that a full time job? And with the high divorce rate these days, should the word "peace" even be in the title?)

But how about all the people who spent a few days out of their lives looking for this runaway bride? All the police, volunteers, National Guardsman, sniffing dogs, etc.. Shouldn't they be properly reimbursed because they were duped by this woman? No.... she is being sent back home with no charges being pressed. This just doesn't seem right. I think there should be a national law passed called the "Idiot Charge." Basically, in The United States Of America, we have many rights, one of which is the right to be an idiot. (I think it is in the Bill Of Rights somewhere.) But if you exercise your right to be an idiot, and it winds up costing other people time and money, you should have to pay!!

Which brings us to another idiot - Anna Ayala, the sleazebag who stuck a chopped off finger in a cup of Wendy's chili and then tried to sue them. Where the hell did she get this finger anyway? You can't exactly go to Target and say "I'll have the new Springsteen CD, a bottle of Suave shampoo, and a human finger." So anyway, she turns out to be a professional con artist (as opposed to an amatuer one) and her little stunt winds up costing Wendy's not a finger, but an arm and a leg. They estimated the loss of business to be around a million dollars. I really doubt she has a million bucks to pay in retribution, but at least life in prison should keep her out of the gene pool forever, preventing the next generation of idiots. Time for an "Idiot Charge."

Another genius was just arrested in Nashville, Tennesee for the murder of one Jeffery Freeman. Seems like Freeman was married, but his wife decided to take a lover, the incredibly named Rafael De Jesus-Rocha-Perez. (Good thing he wasn't in the NFL.) Amazingly, the wife allowed Perez to live in the closet of their home, and even more amazingly, it took Freeman a full month to discover him after he heard some "suspicious snoring" coming from the closet. I don't know about you, but I would consider just about any unaccounted for snoring coming from my closet to be suspicious.

But Freeman was cool about it, telling his wife that he was going for a walk and when he returned, he wanted De Jesus-Rocha-Perez out of the house. Seems like a pretty humane thing to do when catching somebody who is presumably banging your wife living in your closet. But when poor Jeff returned, not only was DJRP still there, he grabbed Freeman, took him into the bathroom, and bludgeoned him to death.

Okay - there definitely should be an "Idiot Charge" here somewhere. But who is the idiot? Sure, Freeman did not deserve to be killed, but hey, he had his wife's lover living in thier closet for a month and didn't even realize it? Not the sharpest tool in the shed here. ("Excuse me honey, I'm going down to the closet for a few minutes.") The wife obviously is not playing with a full deck. Turns out that De Jesus-Whatever may be the smartest one of the bunch! He got free room and board, presumably got to play Seven Minutes In Heaven whenever he wanted, and ultimately got the girl (although I seriously doubt she is much of a prize). Okay - we've reached a decision. All three of them get the "Idiot Charge" - Freeman posthumously.

The list goes on and on. I'll spare you the details of the woman in Richland, Washington who shot her longtime hair stylist's car due to a "bad haircut," robbed her of one hundred dollars and was then arrested outside of another salon where she was caught using the stolen money to pay for what was presumably a better hairdo. Or maybe the person who alerted authorities in New Mexico that they believed a boy was smuggling a weapon into school, which after dispensing sharpshooters, helicopters, and an entire batallion of soldiers, discovered he was bringing in a burrito. Can the "Idiot Charge" be levied against a Good Samaritan if they are really really stupid? I think so.

So what does this prove? Truth will always be stranger than fiction. Why? Because if fiction ever got this strange, no one would ever believe it, and the best fiction always has at least a fraction of believability.

So let's get this rolling. Please write your congressional representative. Let's make the "Idiot Charge" bill a reality. Then maybe finally fiction can be stranger than truth, or at least if it's not, someone will pay the price!

Your Smiling Face

2005-03-11T10:55:00.000-08:00

If you have read some of my other blogs, in a few minutes you may feel that I spend half my life at the DFW car rental building, which is about three zip codes away from DFW airport. And lately, I feel the same way. Maybe I should just move there. But hey - I love it here in beautiful Maryland, and besides, I am convinced that Dallas has finally eclipsed L.A. as the plastic surgery capital of the world.

Anyway, I wanted to relate a completely different experience that I had there recently - a much more positive one, that I think has implications in all of our lives.

It was a very rainy day in Dallas, and as usual, I was rushing to return my car, trying to make the plane in time, while juggling a million things. This time the car rental company was Dollar (it seems that most of us don't have much loyalty to car rental companies!) and as I pulled up to the return line, water was pouring out of the sky in buckets. In the passenger seat was a stack of papers, messages, etc., and I wanted to figure out what to keep and what to throw out before returning the car. (Actually, with rental cars you don't have to throw anything away - it just magically disappears if you leave it in the car.)

So I was sitting in the car for about five minutes messing around with this stuff when I finally decided to look up - seeing a very water-logged little man patiently waiting for me to get out of the car. I felt like such a schmuck being wrapped up so much in my own business that I didn't even notice this guy. Immediately apologizing, he just gave me a huge smile and said,

"Did you have a nice trip to Dallas, Richard?"

Honestly, this guy was so happy that I think either he just got laid in the back seat of a returned Ford Taurus or was about to leave for a three week vacation. I couldn't resist asking him what he was so darn happy about.

"Oh Richard, I just love my job!"

Okay - here he was checking in rental cars in the soaking rain for a living, dealing with frustrated travelers who were trying to catch their plane on time despite the sixty mile ride back to the airport, and probably due to the nature of the business receiving many more complaints than compliments. Of course, I once again couldn't resist the question - "Why do you love your job so much?"

"Well," he said, "everyone that I work with treats me nicely. I show up on time and work hard, and my boss really appreciates that. But best of all, when someone returns their car after a trip, if I just give them a big smile and say hello and greet them by their name, they are always so nice to me. So even though I don't make a lot of money, I really enjoy making people happy."

Now who ever could have guessed that someone checking in rental cars, a job loaded with drudgery if there ever was one, could love his work so much? It really was about two things - being appreciated by the people he worked with, and most of all, doing a few little things that genuinely made his customers happy.

His name turned out to be Yusuf, and he was pretty obviously Middle Eastern. Let's face it - it's not the easiest time in this country to be from that part of the world. But here was Yusuf, doing a pretty menial job, yet making everyone around him happy and readily admitting that he loves his job!

Do you love your job? Chances are you are doing something a bit more challenging and exciting than checking in rental cars. But do you love your job as much as Yusuf? Maybe we can all learn a lesson from the smiling man at the DFW Dollar Car Rental Return Center. And next time you feel like being grouchy to someone - just remember what to do!

Top Ten

2005-02-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all!!
I hope that all is well with all of you blog fans. By the way, it's very easy to set up your own blog at www.blogger.com, and lots of fun. You should check it out!

The other day, Dave, who is not only my brother, business partner, and very close friend, but frequent concert buddy as well, posed an interesting question to me. (I've probably seen more concerts with Dave than anyone except my wife Anne, who is not only a great music fan but very tolerant of strange bands as well.)Anyway, the question he posed was one of those late night hanging around the college dorm kind of questions - "If you were stranded on a desert island and could have only one album, what would it be?" (For those of you who are under twenty five years old or never really got into music, "album" is a generic term for a musical offering by a band. We used to also call this an "LP" - but these days you may just want to say (gasp) "CD."

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Dave will be answering this question soon in his blog, "Dave's Weekly Feed." But my main response usually is - "Under what circumstances would you EVER be kidnapped and forced to live on a deserted island to begin with, and if so, would your captor actually give you the chance to take one album with you?" So I'm pretty sure that this scenario would never happen, and if it did, I would just grab my 40 gig iPod with 500 albums on it; captors be damned.

Anyway, a question I am also frequently asked is "What are your top ten albums of all time?" This is also a pretty tough question ,and needs to be differentiated from "What do you think are the ten BEST albums of all time?" Favorite and best are not always the same thing. But also, this list changes from day to day as albums are rediscovered, old favorites are replayed and just don't sound as good as they used to, etc..

In any case, let's go with it. A list of ten is way too short, and leaves off many fantastic albums, but let's face it, most of you probably wouldn't read a list of my favorite 100 albums (that is, those of you who are still left.) I'll try to leave explanations to a minimum. So here we go.

Rich's Top Ten Albums

1) The Beatles - Abbey Road

The Beatles' final studio recording shows everything that made them the best band of all time. Paul's genius with a pop melody ("Oh Darling" and the incredible medley on side two), John's angry genius ("Come Together," "I Want You (She's So Heavy)," George's emergence as a songwriting equal ("Here Comes The Sun," "Something,) and even Ringo's lovable goofiness ("Octopus' Garden") make this the "complete" Beatles album in every sense of the word. The closing "The End" and "Her Majesty" are a perfect ending for the best album by the greatest band of all time.

2) The Beatles - Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

This is the record that changed everything. Every single note played in rock and roll after this was released showed its influence. It's beauty and creativity actually brings me to tears upon occasion.

3) The Clash - London Calling

The Clash called themselves "The Only Band That Matters," and for a brief period in time it may have just been true. This sprawling double set showed The Clash growing out of their punk roots and experimenting with reggae, rockabilly, pop, ska, jazz, and everything else in between. They burned out quickly afterwards, but London Calling remains a testament to how great, moving, emotional, and intelligent rock and roll could be.

4) Bob Dylan - Blood On The Tracks

After a string of brilliant albums in the 60's ("Blonde On Blonde," "Highway 61 Revisited," and more) Dylan became a recluse and released a series of pleasing yet subdued albums. Some thought he was finished. Then, in 1975, the sad breakup with his wife spawned this incredible comeback. It is both his most listenable and fully realized album - a series of masterpiece moments that just never lets up from start to finish. Never has an album been so appropriately named.

5) Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run

From the first harmonica wail of "Thunder Road," this album blows out of the speakers and hits you over the head like a wall of sound, with Bruce venting every frustration and feeling of life in blue collar Jersey. He has never been as strong and focused before or after. This is the classic highlight of the career of one of the great American songwriters.

6) Stevie Wonder - Innervisions

Wow - this album is truly a landmark that sounds as good (if not better) today than the day it was released. While every song is first rate, the incredible raunchy grit of "Living For The City," perhaps Stevie's finest hour, sandwiched in between two absolutely beautiful songs, "Visions" and "Golden Lady," is just astonishing, and showcases what an incredible talent Stevie Wonder is. This blend of gorgeous balladry and pure funkiness not only created a genre, but stands up well against anything since. Add to all of this the fact that without the benefit of vision Stevie wrote these songs and played all of the instruments on many, and you've got an amazing work by a true master.

7) Steely Dan - Katy Lied

Steely Dan's cryptic weaving of smoky jazz, top notch musicianship, tight arrangements and mysterious songwriting made for one of the best bands to emerge from the U.S. in years. They had a long and fruitful run - any of their first six albums could have made this list. Katy Lied seems to hold up the best over time and if anything, is the most "typical" of the Steely Dan sound. Plus, the low key climax towards the end of "Dr. Wu" is simply breathtaking.

8) The Who - Tommy

No comment is actually necessary on this "rock opera" of sorts. Before this style became pretentious, The Who proved that it really could rock.

9) Jethro Tull - Thick As A Brick

Essentially one long song, this experiment worked in every way. Beautiful acoustic guitar, interwoven and reprising themes, and of course, the flute of Ian Anderson make this somewhat difficult and complex album one of the most memorable listening experiences for the rock and roll ear.

10) Jackson Browne - Late For The Sky

The defining album and sound of the "singer / songwriter" era (Carole King's "Tapestry" may be better, but hey - this is MY list), Jackson captures the angst and mixed emotions of turning into an adult better than anyone out there. Put it on when you're feeling depressed and get transformed to another world!

Well, there you have it, but tomorrow things may be completely different. Also, these albums are all OLD!! To make this list, they had to withstand the test of time. But lots of great music has been made recently. So - coming up soon - the Top Ten Albums Of The Last Ten Years!!

Please feel free to comment below.

See you soon!

Rich

Thank You SWA

2005-01-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

Two days ago (Thursday January 13) we were on our way to Deer Valley, Utah for a few days of skiing before the kids had to go back to school. With a crazy travel and work schedule, none of us had skied for quite a while (not counting local stuff, which is like going down a hill in your backyard) and were really looking forward to the trip.

On the way to Salt Lake City on Southwest Airlines, we had to touch down in St. Louis. While we were sitting on the plane waiting to take off again, we turned our cell phones on to check messages, etc., and unfortunately found out that there was a death in my wife's family. Bye bye ski trip - hello funeral home. (Sometimes I think we are just a little too "connected" these days.)

The doors were just about to shut, so I pushed the flight attendant button and two smiling faces rushed over to make sure we weren't trying to report a passenger smuggling nose hair scissors or something of great importance. When told of the situation, they immediately sprung into action and acted as if this were a matter of great international intrigue.

Once in the terminal, the agents worked in a flurry of phone calls and walkie talkie messages to get us back to Baltimore as soon as possible, which turned out to involve running through the airport like O.J. Simpson (before he didn't kill his wife) and rushing on to a waiting plane as they quickly shut the doors behind us. As an added bonus, we got to stop in Cleveland for a few minutes. Wow!

Our luggage was much luckier - it got to make the trip to Utah before coming back home, arriving at BWI sometime in the middle of the night. We arrived home a few hours earlier, having a serious case of jet lag without actually going anywhere!
Going to the luggage office to explain our situation, we were told that it would be taken care of and that we should just go home and attend to our business. Sure enough, the doorbell rang the next morning and all six pieces of our overstuffed luggage were delivered right to the house, with Southwest Airlines picking up the tab for delivery. All in all, a very sad and disappointing experience was made much better by Southwest Air.

Now I know what you're thinking - a big star like me should have a private jet, or at least always fly first class instead of taking the cattle call on SWA. Sorry - no private jet, and even though I have enough frequent flyer miles to "bump up" to the front of the plane on most occasions, there are just some times when Southwest has the most convenient schedule.

But besides that, I was incredibly impressed by the way we were treated every step along the way of this complicated situation. Every single employee of Southwest treated us with courtesy, professionalism, and most of all, had a big friendly smile on their face when doing so. It's easy to see why they are so hated by the other airlines. Sure - it's easy to say that they have changed the industry with their "peanut" fares and no reserved seating, forcing other airlines to cut their prices. They are practically putting US Airways out of business (better use those frequent flyer miles before it's too late!) All the other airlines seem to whine and complain about not being able to compete with Southwest. So what do they do? Get rid of meal service, lower their fares, and change some routes around. But one thing they can't seem to do is to get that Southwest Airlines "can do" attitude going.

Now I certainly don't know much about the operations of a major airline. But I do know that despite the low fares, SWA remains the only carrier in the US to turn a profit year after year. And I am convinced that a big part of that is the culture they instill among their employees. They are consistently friendly, helpful, and well informed - knowing how to settle any situation without going to five other people, and usually getting things right. How incredibly powerful is it to hire people with great attitudes and empower them to do their jobs correctly and efficiently? If it can work in a cutthroat multi-billion dollar industry, can it work in yours? You better believe it. So when you take your office on that "retreat" to the Four Seasons or Ritz Hotel to teach them about customer service, you may want to consider flying Southwest. They are not "high end," but they do seem to have an uncanny way of getting things right the first time and doing it with a smile.

Hope to see you soon - at one of our one day seminars, maybe at the Chicago Midwinter Meeting, and especially at TBSE 2005 in New Orleans!

Rich

TBTBSEE

2004-11-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

Hey BLOG fans -
I'll be back with a full sized blog real soon, but right now, I just gotta thank everybody that was involved with the Tenth Anniversary TBSE Extravaganza. It really was TBTBSEE - The Best TBSE Ever!!

The atmosphere of fun, learning and enthusiasm were just plain overwhelming at TBSE this year. It was totally nuts. It's just one of those things that unless you were there is impossible to describe. Not even counting the over-the-top entertainment, I think it is safe to say that this was the most fantastic group of speakers ever to take the stage at a dental seminar - or possibly ANY seminar ever!!

What a thrill it was to meet and get to listen to Mark Burnett, the genius creator of Survivor, The Apprentice, and many more - heck - the guy invented reality TV. Same for Bob Eubanks. This multiple Emmy Award winner taught us so much about communication and made us laugh very hard while doing so. Speaking of laughing, I think that Brett Leake was so funny he caused some bladder control problems in the audience!

And how about the dental speakers? Dr. Bill Dorfman, Dr. Howard Farran, Dr. Mike DiTolla, Dr. Louis Malcmacher, Dr. Rod Kurthy and Dr. Mark Morin - you guys have given so much to our profession. It was an honor to have all of you at TBSE.

And then there were two very special speakers. Amanda Gore - you touched all of our hearts with a presentation that no one will ever forget. Wow - crying one minute, laughing the next, and with a finish that had everyone standing and screaming - I don't think I've ever seen anything like it! Oh yeah - speaking of standing and screaming - our "Special Guest" was truly beyond belief. If you don't know what I'm talking about - well - I guess you'll just have to get the DVD's!!

It took and incredibly dedicated and talented team to put this production on, and so many people deserve the biggest possible "thank yous!"

Our great seminar staff:
Mark Dent
Chris Evans
Jim Kappes
Anne Madow
Evan Madow
Lois Madow
Michelle Madow
Steven Madow
Mallory Marotz
Yoko Okamoto
Debbye Ring
Dolores Weinberger

Our Baltimore video team at Hocus Focus Productions:
Don Armstrong
John Armstrong
Julia Cray

Our Nashville based live production team (RCI):
Veronica Bozza
Eric Gordon
Phillip Icrhln

The entire crew at Delicate Productions

And three VERY VERY special people:

Rob Cowlyn, producer extraordinaire
Sally Dent, our amazing Seminar Coordinator
.....and to my brother, business partner, and co-executive producer Dave Madow. It's a great and strange experience working with you!!

Most of all though - thanks to the people that we truly could not do this without - the doctors and team members that attend TBSE. There could not be a nicer group of people on the face of the Earth. You guys are the winners of the profession, and you make all of us proud to be associated with you. We are humbled that you have chosen to spend three days of your lives with us, and really appreciate the incredible comments we got this year at TBSE. I hope to see you all next year!

If you are reading this and have not yet been to TBSE, or if you came a few years ago and haven't been for a while - you just gotta join us in New Orleans in 2005. I don't want to use the blogs to make a commercial post, so I'll just end it there by saying that all are welcome, and it is an experience that will change your life!!

Thanks for reading this. I'll be back soon with a more traditional (if that's possible) rant!

Rich