On Politics

Ohmygodwhyyyyyyyy

2009-12-18T16:54:00.005-05:00

Been awhile. Not that anyone reads this stupid thing, but I thought this was funny, so I am sharing it with the Internets.

Joe Sestak took a different tack in going after Arlen Specter Thursday. First, his Sestak for Senate campaign sent out a release lauding Specter for a prediction he made at an AFL-CIO convention in September that an Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA) bill “totally satisfactory to labor” had been more or less "hammered out" and would likely be passed by year’s end.
The comment caused quite a stir - mostly because it was regarded as absolutely ludicrous that there was a bill anywhere close to being "hammered out" at the time. Sestak is apparently trying to hold Specter to it anyway (good luck).
But then (and this is where it gets weird) the “Real Arlen Specter” Web site – an attack site maintained by the Sestak campaign – issued it’s own release, pointing out Specter, a former longtime Republican, was actually against EFCA before switching parties earlier this year. (Gasp!)
Yawn, right?
Fair enough, but what I liked about it is the self-referential opening line of the "Real Arlen" release: “In light of a reminder from Democratic Congressman Joe Sestak's Senate campaign about Arlen Specter's pledge to have a done deal on the Employee Free Choice Act in the Senate by year's end, The Real Arlen Specter for Senate campaign would like to set the record straight."
The kicker for a colleague was the email subject line, "The Real Arlen Specter: Joe Sestak Knows I Oppose EFCA."
"The subject line is what takes it over the edge," he said. "The 'Real Specter' (a character created by Sestak, right?) is telling the world that the real, real Specter (actual Specter) knows that Sestak knows that the real Specter (I don't even know which one) actually opposes EFCA, according to Sestak."
Wheeeee!

From creativeminorityreport.com:

2009-11-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

Arlen Specter Switches to Yankees Fan

In a hastily called press conference coming just hours after the New York Yankees convincing victory last night in Game Four of the World Series over the Philadelphia Phillies, Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter announced today that he is now a Yankees fan.

Specter said the move had nothing to do with the Yankees victory last night giving them a 3-1 lead in the series. "I haven't felt like a Phillies fan for quite some time," said Specter. "I am not leaving the Phillies. The Phillies left me."

Specter's long time discontent came as a surprise to many who celebrated last year's World Series win by the Phillies along with Specter.

But New York Senator Chuck Schumer praised the longtime Phillies fan saying that this move by Specter highlights his "fierce independence."

"Arlen's independence, integrity and baseball intellect are to be admired and I'll be pleased to be sitting in Yankee stadium near him when the Yankees win the World Series," said Schumer.

According to some inside sources, Specter was expecting to be handed box seats at Yankee stadium upon his announcement but it turned out he was not given seniority over other season ticket holders and was only offered seats in the boisterous mezzanine level.

Specter infamously switched parties earlier this year when it appeared that he might not win in the Republican primary against his GOP challenger Pat Toomey

The cell phone Palin? You Betcha!

2009-11-02T17:05:00.006-05:00

The following is a textual conversation I had with a friend today, very nearly verbatim:

Him: This phone machine sucks (expletive deleted).
Me: I thought you had some hoity toity phone machine with all manner of electronic gimmickry?
H: Promises promises. It's like the Sarah Palin of technology.
M: It has 3G experience because it lives near silicone valley?
H: It thinks that because it has a big bright screen no one will notice its shortcomings and illogical functions.
M: It browses Web sites. Which ones? Oh, all of them. All the major ones.
H: It denounces updates because they conflict with its Christian heritage.
M: It believes in time honored values like firewalls and one access code for one OS, but fails to acknowledge security breaches within its own network.
H: It wants to be the OS in charge, but it can't finish its first download.
M: It also spent a fortune on new skins out of your Paypal account and now refuses to delete any.
H: It also thinks it's rurally constructed base translates to the rest of the models.
M: And that overseeing 60 bits of ram for a year and a half has prepared it for taking charge of the DOD database.
H: Or when it drops a call the problem is "solved."
M: It sends the texts it chooses to send, not necessarily the ones you asked it to send. Because it's a maverick.
H: It won't use a rebate because rich people are all that matter and market forces have proved it.
M: It constantly digs into your thigh in an attempt to drill, baby, drill!
H: It's a friend to the environment because its radio waves are killing the pesky bees and their dumb hives.
M: The toxins from its batteries have been known to kill local wolf populations. From the air.
H: It's plastic contributes to global warming, which is solving the polar bear question.
M: It believes that cell phone creation begins not at the factory, but in R & D.
H: It believes that without its battery it will not be recycled and sit at the right hand of the one true cell phone.
M: It believes chargers are a privilege, not a right, and that every phone has to pull itself up by the charging cord if it wants a full battery.
H: It believes that each state should choose what is best for its cell phones without a body to oversee all cellphone activity, thus freeing the market to self regulate.
M: I'm totally putting this in my blog.
H: Sweet, I didn't know I was going to be published.
M: I'm not using your name.
H: (expletive deleted).

Parting shot: I'm really enjoying all this extra sunlight in the morning, and I can rest assured that I'll save on candles come Spring. Thanks, Mr. Franklin!

Anatomy of a boner

2009-09-11T11:01:00.002-04:00

According to a USA Today timeline:

"CNN is reporting that the Coast Guard has fired on a boat on the Potomac River.
Update at 10:10 a.m. ET: The report of some activity on the river comes only minutes after President Obama concluded 9/11 memorial ceremonies at the Pentagon not far away.
Update at 10:12 a.m. ET: CNN says the Coast Guard fired 10 rounds at the boat.
Update at 10:14 a.m. ET: CNN broadcasts what it says is audio of the Coast Guard apparently speaking to a suspicious boat. The Coast Guard speaker is heard saying; "Slow down or you will be fired on."
Update at 10:27 a.m. ET: The AP quotes the Coast Guard as saying training was being conducted in Potomac River moments before Obama motorcade crossed.
Update at 10:30 a.m. ET: CNN quotes two police sources as saying the incident was a possible Coast Guard training exercise.
Update at 10:32 a.m. ET: Fox News quotes Coast Guard Chief Keith Moore as saying no shots were fired as part of the exercise.
Update at 10:33 a.m. ET: Reuters quotes an FBI spokeswoman as saying the agency was told by the Coast Guard that no shots were fired at a boat in the Potomac.
Update at 10: 41 a.m. ET: NBC's Pete Williams, quoting a "senior Coast Guard official," says the incident was just an exercise to "challenge response times."Williams says the exercise was strictly a "radio exercise" and did not involve any boats or any firing by the Coast Guard. Williams reports that a "citizen" overheard the radio exercise and passed that along to some news organizations, which broadcast reports of possible shot being fired.
Update at 10: 53 a.m. ET: USA TODAY's Kevin Johnson reports that the Coast Guard say that no shots were fired and that the incident involved a "radio exercise." Johnson says the Coast Guard is preparing a statement for release in a few moments, which we will carry."

The AP's version as of 11 a.m.:
"WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard conducted a training exercise in the Potomac River near the Pentagon amid Sept. 11 commemorations Friday, sparking confusion.
Coast Guard Chief Keith Moore said Friday no shots were fired as part of the exercise. Media reports suggested shots had been fired in the river and showed vessels circling in the water, near the bridge where President Barack Obama's motorcade passed as he traveled to a Sept. 11 memorial at the Pentagon.
Coast Guard spokesman John Edwards said references to shots fired were picked up in radio chatter. As part of its exercise Friday, the Coast Guard aired simulated instructions to participants to fire 10 rounds. But Edwards said there were no shots actually fired and there were no suspicious boats.
The Coast Guard conducts this sort of training everyday. The training had nothing to do with the 9/11 anniversary, Edwards said.
"This is routine training for us and we train everyday," Edwards said.
Obama had traveled to the Pentagon to lay a wreath in a ceremony commemorating the eighth anniversary of the terrorist attacks."

Might want to take this particular day off, knuckleheads. This is basically the equivalent of Spain testing its bomb threat response time at train stations on March 11.

Speeches that make children yawn

2009-09-08T16:23:00.006-04:00

America-hating President Barack Obama urged children to stay in school and work hard today. Ironically, many of them never got the message because their parents had pulled them from school to keep them from hearing this horrible, pro-socialist message of secret-Muslim indoctrination

Meanwhile, we have this story from Arne Duncan of the St. Petersburg Times, which notes Obama was not the first sitting president to speak "directly to the nation's schoolchildren about persisting and succeeding in school." As it turns out, at least one other president, George H.W. Bush, gave that same message in 1991.

According to Duncan, Bush's remarks were broadcast live by CNN, PBS, NBC radio, and something called the Mutual Broadcasting System at about noon on a school day (obviously). I think I actually remember hearing that address, if not watching it.

The complete text of that speech, delivered in Ms. Mollster's classroom at Some Such Jr. High School, can be found here. Like Obama's, it has nothing at all to do with politics, but rather is a long, boring list of reasons why students should take responsibility for their choices in life and stay away from drugs and control their own destinies and all the other typical rubbish adults push on children.

As Duncan points out, Democrats criticized Bush for delivering his speech in much the same way Republicans are complaining about Obama delivering his. I don't remember anybody saying they weren't going to let their kid hear the stupid thing, though. I think the complaints about Bush the Elder's speech were really more political theater than anything. At any rate, the speech never affected a single person I knew, and most probably don't remember it at all if they weren't actually inside Ms. Mostoller's classroom that day. That might not hold as true with Obama, who is something of a political anomaly, but the point is neither of these guys really delivered anything to the students beyond what was expected: "Stay in school. Work hard. Eat your vegetables." blah blah blah.

Reagan, well...that was something else entirely.

As Duncan noted in a more neutral tone than these guys, Reagan's speech and subsequent Q-and-A with students was little more than an advertisement about how badly Jimmy Carter had messed up the country, but with proper Republican stewardship, it was back on course. Though his speech is far more politically-oriented, it's still a freakin' yawnfest and, again, probably meant nothing to anyone except the students actually standing in the same room as the then-president.

At any rate, this sort of thing is nothing new and certainly nothing to wind yourself up about. Unless, of course, you're an idiot, in which case go nuts.

Shut. Up.

2009-09-01T16:03:00.003-04:00

I'll be in Allentown tomorrow for yet another town hall on health care. If you are also going to be there, I beg of you: Shut up. Just. Shut. Up.
I don't care if you think "Sestak is a snake" or "Toomey is looney." I don't care if you hate/love/fear/worship Obama/Boehner/Pelosi/McCain. I don't care what you think about anything, actually, until whoever is onstage has finished talking. And I don't mean immediately following a single sentence, I mean the whole shebang.
Then I will ask you.
Then you can tell me.
In the interim, please refrain from bleating out whatever half-truth you gleaned from some dingbat's twitter account earlier in the day, because A) it's annoying, B) you're probably wrong and C) no one can tell what the hell anyone's saying when everyone shouts different buzzwords at the same time anyway.
See, unlike some of you mewling cabbages that go to these things (and you know who you are) I actually want - nay, need - to hear what the people with the microphones are saying. Because it's my job to tell other people (those who actually have lives away from the front steps of Planned Parenthood and Whole Foods) what was said. When you whine and shout and rend your garments, that makes my job difficult, which in turn makes me want to beat you to death with a fence post.
To be clear, I'm not saying you shouldn't get out there and demonstrate and wave signs and shout slogans and all that jazz. Knock yourself out - it doesn't hurt anyone and has never made a lick of difference in politics anyway.
But when someone is halfway through a sentence that sounds kind of important to the argument, it might be a good idea to let him finish and actually hear what he has to say instead of cheering or booing or whatever else your little chimp mind has grasped on as the correct response to some trigger word like "taxes" or "panel" or "donut hole."
Save all that for later. I assure you, there will be plenty of time to alienate your friends and loved ones with whatever you think is a well-reasoned argument long after we've all fled Allentown at high speed.
For the moment, though, please, please just shut up. We'll all have a better understanding of the debate and, as a bonus, no one will be bludgeoned with yard lumber.

Advertisement pitches for the U.S. Mint

2009-08-28T10:37:00.002-04:00

"Dollar Bills: They're Not Just For Strippers Anymore."

"Coins: They Make Great Gifts For The Homeless And Drug-Addicted."

"Dollar Coins. Yes, Again."

"Pennies: They Make A Great Addition To Any Gutter."

"787 Billion Reasons To Spend."

"Money: Get Yours, Before It's Gone!"

Two Words:

2009-08-27T21:00:00.001-04:00

Mayan Colander.
Get on it, Pottery Barn.

(You only have until 2012.)

You can't make this stuff up. Which is to say that you can, and it gets funnier.

2009-08-27T15:40:00.005-04:00

In a recent Republican National Committee mailer titled “2009 Future of American Health Survey," there is one alarmingly hilarious question you might have missed:

"It has been suggested that the government could use voter registration to determine a person's political affiliation, prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system. Does this possibly concern you?"

No, really, that was the question. And while it has all the basic ingredients of funny-because-it's-true, it does lack that certain Palinesque flamboyancy we've come to expect from the RNC, an oversight that I'd like to correct now with a little re-write:

"It has been suggested, here, at this moment, that as a registered Republican American, you will be dragged before a Gestapo death panel and shot a certain number of times as determined by your attending Nazi-imposed - oops, I mean Democrat-imposed - death physician. Does that sort of thing make you cry eagle's blood or what?"

Or, to Kevin Nealon it up a little:

"It has been suggested (paranoia) that the government (Nazi president) could use voter registration (brown shirts) to determine a person's political affiliation (Mussolini), prompting fears that GOP voters (patriots) might be discriminated against (death panels) for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed (abortions) health care rationing system (killbots). Does this possibly concern you (assault weapons)?"

Go ahead and say something

2009-08-14T12:03:00.005-04:00

The blorg is once again open to receiving comments from non-registered users. Feel free to speak your mind, but remember that I will filter comments, and reserve the right to delete any and all hatespeech, obscenities, etc., etc. You people should know what's acceptable by now (or not, judging from some of the comment sections of the DT Web site) so use your best judgment.
It should be noted that this is, for the most part, a comedy blog. That means sarcasm, satire and absurdity. If you aren't familiar with those concepts, you might have a hard time here, because I will make fun of you and so should everyone else.

Really Eagles? ...Really?

2009-08-14T11:39:00.006-04:00

Sundays were finally going to mean something again. Drinking, yelling at the television, eating horribly unhealthy foods, drinking, and more yelling. Good, clean fun for the whole family. The right kind of fun. American fun.
And you took it all away from us. You took the only thing that could get me out of bed before noon on a weekend. You took it and you body-slammed it onto the concrete to kill it.
You bastards took football.
It's bad enough that I live with the most fervent Steelers fan in the Western Hemisphere, who can't go three minutes without mentioning their sixth Super Bowl win last season, but now I don't even have a team.
Do you understand? I have no team. How could I possibly support the Eagles now? How could anyone? You might as well have hired a child rapist. I'm not exaggerating; for me, there is no difference.
Even if this is a purely financial decision to pick up convicted dog killer Michael Vick at a cut rate price and gain a substantial trade further down the line, it's still unacceptable. In fact, that might even make it worse, especially for a squad that has always prided itself on the high quality of its players' characters.
Do people deserve second chances? Maybe. Does Michael Vick? No. I said "people," and Vick hardly registers higher than "walking turd" in my book. "People" don't participate in, fund or condone the fighting, hanging, electrocution and drowning of defenseless animals. Nor are they rewarded, generally, with $6 million contracts for doing so.
No, Eagles. No. Vick is a repulsive, disgracful flathead who has never shown an ounce of remorse for his actions. He shouldn't be in the league and he sure as hell shouldn't be on our team.
Sorry, I guess I meant your team. I'm finished with you, Eagles.
Come back when you grow some scruples.

Other ways health care reform is bad for you

2009-08-10T17:03:00.009-04:00

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was recently positioned behind a microphone, triggering a Pavlovian conditioning reflex that compelled her to say things like "you betcha" and "by gum" and "the Democrats' health care plan will mandate a panel be formed to kill all of your grandmothers and infants born with down syndrome."
Now, it's a proven fact that Barack Obama hates the old and infirm, sure as the flat disc of a planet we are living on is surrounded on all sides by a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling out into space, so it comes as no surprise that Democrat-sponsored legislation on health care reform would include this "final solution" to the grandmother problem.

But there are many other very important amendments to the proposed legislation that Palin failed to mention, a few of which I'd like to enlighten you with now:

1.GENE-SPLICING. A certain amount of gene splicing will be required during all inpatient surgeries, on a sliding scale of "need" determined by where the patient falls on the poverty scale. Due to the socialist nature of the plan, however, patients may not pick what animal type they will be bonded with at the molecular level. (Choice would be irrelevant at any rate, as the only species suitable for splicing to date is the hagfish; a holdover from the genome project begun by President Bill Clinton in honor of his wife.)
2.SEX CHANGES. Same-sex couples will be allowed to marry under the Obama presidency. However, under the health care plan, at least one will be required to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Couples will be given the freedom to choose which individual will receive the surgery and which will receive a small American flag stapled to a dowel rod. Also, heterosexual marriage will be outlawed. Also, the American flag will be replaced with a Chinese flag.
3.STEM CELLS. Eight full glasses a day, kids.
4.FOOD FILTERS. As the cost for dentistry has risen and foods have become more goo-oriented over time, it has been determined that teeth have become too costly to maintain and irrelevant to eating. The Obama plan calls for the removal and subsequent replacement of all teeth with a filter system typical of large marine mammals.
5.ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE. The following ailments shall only be treated through holistic medicine or, where applicable, tribal Kenyan witchdoctor: Bone deformities; hair loss; cancer; supercancer; hangnail; hysterical pregnancy; somewhat funny pregnancy; irritable bowel syndrome; "outie" bellybuttons; toe fungus; sucking chest wound; limb loss; depression.
6.SMOKING. Smoking will be mandatory.

No need to thank me, folks, I'm just trying to help people familiarize themselves with the facts before they go off to discourage any type of rational discourse with their incessant braying. Speaking of which, I have also taken it upon myself to prepare some things you can shout to drown out anyone attempting said discourse:

"I have a right to be heard! I have a right to be heard!" (Shout this - and only this - until everyone nearby has walked away. Remember: The Constitution guarantees your right to be heard, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything of import to say!)

"This is America, not Russia!" (Reminds people bussed in from other countries where they are.)

"Don't tread on my pre-existing condition!" (Because some people might want to be denied insurance for being pregnant. Who is the government to make that call?)

"Why aren't there more cowboy movies on TV?" (Someone keeps calling us and asking this. I figure if she's there, she can ask the crowd because, honestly, I just don't have an answer for that one.)

"Nancy Pelosi is a robot from the future sent to enslave all mankind!" (Self explanatory.)

"Barack Obama wants to kill your grandmother!" (Referring to the fact that Barack Obama seriously wants to kill your grandmother (see above).)

"Who wants to see pictures of my grandchildren?!" (Confuses and distracts the speaker on stage; WARNING - could also distract other protesters who want to see pictures of your grandchildren and/or offer pictures of their own grandchildren for viewing.)

Well, I hope that was helpful. Now, let's all get out there and foster some democratic debate, eh?

An Elaborate Hoax

2009-08-07T21:15:00.006-04:00

My friend Steve has a theory that most popular black culture is a joke perpetrated by the rich white men who actually own hip hop record labels.
He envisions these fat, greedy bastards sitting around trying to one-up each other on outlandish and outlandishly expensive things - like $400 spinning rims - for black people to waste their money on instead of investing in, say, a college fund.

Now, I don't normally watch reality television. (Nice transition, eh?) But my girlfriend, she watches the "Who Wants to Dance?" program. Or no, sorry, the "So You Think You Can Dance?" program. Which means I watch that very same program, unless I can find something else to do, like the dishes, or simonizing the light switches.
The show had it's season 5 finale yesterday, and after having seen more than enough broadcasts, I can now unequivocally reveal what I believe to be a similar (though less pernicious) joke played on the whole of humanity by the dancey-dancey world: Contemporary dance.

It used to be called "Modern dance," but it could just as accurately be called "flailing your arms, staggering like a drunk, and then rolling on the floor."
It looks absolutely nothing like dancing of any kind, on any planet of this or any other galaxy, and is the most boring, uninspiring schlock I've ever seen on television - and I've seen "According to Jim."
There is one exception to this rule, as there must always be, and that is found in any dance put together by Mia Michaels, one of many choreographers for the dancey...show...thing.
Michaels, however, combines huge portions of other dance styles and moves in a very deliberate order with the aim of telling a story through movement. Not that I ever know what the hell that story is supposed to be, but it at least looks like people, you know, dancing, whereas most contemporary dance resembles Joe Cocker.

There is another gem to this show I would be remiss not to mention: Lil C.
Lil C is another choreographer, and though I would be hard pressed to tell you anything about his work, I love the little weirdo. You never know what he's going to say, but you can always count on it being entertaining.
Example: "It's really difficult to locate the avenue of gain when you're being chauffeured by loss. And I think every opportunity is one step closer to perpetual evolution."
I swear, I did not make one word of that up. The best part of it, though, is that he clearly thinks this is incredibly insightful stuff, when it in fact sounds like five or six fortune cookies strung together in quick succession.
Here's a more recent one: "The primary focus of all obstacles is to induce labor so progression can be born."
Really dude? Really?
I imagine him just scrawling words and phrases like "cosmic," "redemption," "triviality" and "transcendence" on cards, and picking them out of a hat to form these "insights."
"The dancers' redemption of form can only be achieved after triviality is truly transcended through cosmic congruence," for instance.

Oh, and that lady who screams? Well, let's just say nature isn't the only thing that abhors a vacuum. Actually, she wouldn't be so bad if her face wasn't carrying enough botulism to kill half the U.S. Navy. I mean, screaming I can handle. But totally expressionless screaming? Shudder.

PARTING SHOT:
Revamp idea for "My Mother the Car" with a more paternal twist: "Van of the House." Look for it on whatever brain-addled channel keeps renewing unfunny sitcoms starring fat comedians married to thin, bitchy women THIS FALL!

Defend this:

2009-08-05T21:39:00.003-04:00

Lame weirdo George Sodini walked into a dance-aerobics fitness class in Bridgeville Tuesday, flipped off the lights and started shooting.
Using three guns (he had brought four) Sodini fired at least 36 bullets, according to the Associated Press, killing three women and wounding nine others before turning a gun on himself.
I haven't seen what types of guns Sodini used. I don't know where he bought them, or when, or how. I do know that they fit into a duffel bag, which he had placed on the floor of the exercise room before he started his rampage.
I also know I can expect this hare-brained response from the pro-gun lobby:
"Well, if every woman in that room was packin' heat, they could have defended themselves and saved lives!"
By what - firing randomly into the darkness, probably hitting other class members scurrying around in a panic? Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
I also like the extension of this idea, that if EVERYONE IN THE WORLD were to carry a concealed handgun, tragedies like this wouldn't occur.
Wrong again, neckbeard. This pitiful loser actually posted his DEATH DATE as August 4 on a Web page where he chronicled a) his inability to have a normal relationship with a woman and b) his intent to slaughter women in that particular class.
Clearly, a guy who plans to die as part of his assault probably isn't gonna be deterred by anyone else's ability to kill him, so long as he can squeeze off a few rounds first. Which, let's face it, he almost certainly would unless he was in Florida at the time, where citizens have been actively encouraged by the legislature to shoot first and ask questions later (another reason I won't be visiting Florida any time soon).
"OOOOO!" I can just hear some troglodyte screaming in the back now. "OOO! Well, it wasn't the gun what killed them people, it was him. I mean, what if he only had a knife? Huh? What then? He still coulda killed those girls! With a common kitchen knife like your ma uses to make apple pie with! How about that, smart guy? Huh? Or do you hate apple pie, too, you pinko?!"
Here's how about that, you mutant slug: If he had a knife, he likely wouldn't have been able to inflict the same level of damage, because he either wouldn't have been able to see in the dark well enough to correctly cut arteries, or he would have had to leave the light on, in which case the victims would have been able to see/run from their assailant, during which time they probably would have been screaming and someone might have been able to intervene sooner, reducing the number of victims killed or even seriously injur--
You know what? That argument is just too stupid to even argue. I'm tired of it and it makes no sense, so stop using it.
I'm also tired of this same kind of thing happening again and again and again. But, to be honest, I have no answer on how to stop it, aside from outlawing the purchasing of guns by the common citizen. And we can't do that, of course, because if our government ever turns tyrannical, we wouldn't be able to defend ourselves.
After all, that is what it all comes down to, isn't it? Freedom from tyranny? Well, put on a helmet to contain the splatter, because I am about to blow your mind: We already lost that fight. A looong time ago.
Oh, don't get me wrong - when everybody had the same muskets, we probably still stood a chance. But the second our country's military was allowed to have and control weapons beyond the scope of the common man, it was over.
I'd say by the end of World War One, we were probably already punching out of our weight class. In 2009? Hell, even if every town in every state of the union had a well-provisioned militia, any assault they might rally against the modern military would be laughable. We might win Alaska, but who the hell wants it? Hawaii...well, that could go either way.
As for the Continental U.S., forget it. Gum-ment wins, hands down. Which brings us to the question: What's the point of even having the Second Amendment if any intended use of it ends in defeat? (And it almost certainly would.)
I mean, are we just going to sit around waiting for what some view as an inevitable civil war between the federal government and the country's citizens, or should we give up a right that's meaningless even at the Constitutional level for the sake of personal safety?
Personally, I don't know how I'd go on that one. I mean, it's fun to go out in the woods and, you know, just shoot some stuff.
But is it really worth it? Is it really, really worth it?

On McFadden's duct tape

2009-06-09T17:15:00.003-04:00

I didn't get the chance to put this in my certification hearing story - which, with any luck, will run before the general election - but it turns out Upper Prov. Republican Thomas McFadden has a fair sense of humor about himself.
McFadden, you might remember, got pretty damn nasty with Bill Thomas at the last election board hearing, dropping an eff-bomb in Thomas's face so laced with venom I think it killed half the flowers in the room.
Of course I put it in the story. I had to - it was the most interesting thing that happened that day and reminded me of the good ol' Paula Brown days when I was covering Darby.
McFadden (described by a fellow GOPer as a "pitbull" of a candidate) was back for the certification hearing. He didn't say a thing to me nor I to him, but I did notice at one point that he showed someone a roll of duct tape, indicating it was for his own mouth.
Woulda been a better gag if he actually wore it on his face through the whole hearing, but I'll still give him an 'E' for effort.

Abbot and Costello and House and 13

2009-06-04T11:03:00.003-04:00

During a commercial for the upcoming Transformers movie, my ladyfriend remarked that "actress" Megan Fox had landed #2 on Maxim's annual "Hot 100" list.
When I asked who made number one, she replied, "Thirteen, Olivia Wilde."
Me: "But who made number one?"
Ladyfriend: "Olivia Wilde. Thirteen."
Me: Puzzled looks.

I don't watch the teledrama House on the Fox TV, but apparently Olivia Wilde plays a character named, for reasons I can only imagine are horribly contrived, "13."

Once this was explained to me, we finished setting our baseball roster.

On Cash for Class

2009-05-20T18:23:00.003-04:00

The Chester Upland School District is considering giving each of its 363 students entering ninth grade this year a $50 bonus for attending a 20-day accelerated learning program during the summer.
There are those who would say this is bribery, and they may very well be right. But that begs the question: So what?

See, most things in life (the things that work, anyway) get done through the subtle art of bribery. You want me to help you move? Then you know to provide beer and pizza. You want me to vote for your handgun bill? You better give me a vote on my health care plan. You want me to fix the leaking roof? Then we are going to do some weird stuff tonight in bed.

Just look at the expenditures in Iraq and Afghanistan. How much of that is funneled to local despots just to ensure troops can pass through a particular area unmolested, or that supplies reach their intended destination? How much to ensure good intel from spies, or that guards can't be bought off?

See, in the real world, people (ideally) get paid for the work they do, or whatever is produced from their efforts. Since school is supposed to prepare students for work (which we all know it does not) then it follows that paying students for the work they perform in school is maybe not all that bad an idea - granted you pay based on the work produced (read: grade received).
None of this is new stuff, by the way, just a rehash of some old ideas.

Charlotte Hummel, the eminently quotable school board director from the William Penn School District, chimed in on the Daily Times Web site to suggest that instead of a bonus, summer jobs could be found for these students. Which also wouldn't be such a bad idea if it didn't totally ignore the class aspect - you know, the point of the bonus?

CUSD Empowerment Board Chairman Marc Woolley tabled the cash plan in the face of some pretty staunch disapproval from fellow board members. He suggested other incentives, however, like a field trip to an amusement park.
Again, that's a bribe, and it's fine by me, but it should also be merit-based. You know, like sports. Tell the kids at the beginning of the school year: You don't hit a certain GPA, you ain't goin' to Disneyland (or, more likely, Hershey Park). Mark my words: You put caveats on rewards that have hither-to been perceived as inalienable rights and kids will respond accordingly. Just see how many moan at first, then put their heads down and get to work.

Granted, this won't work on everyone. I wouldn't have given a damn about a field trip when I was in school and $50 was easy enough to find if I really needed it, so there's a percentage you just won't be able to reach with anything short of the threat of being press-ganged aboard a Somali pirate ship (which, come to think of it, probably wouldn't have worked on me, either).
For the most part, though, bribes get results - doesn't matter if you're in the Senate or a hostile foreign land or high school. So I say by all means, hit the feds up for the funding and spread the cash around a little.
Just don't let 'em spend it all at Harrah's.

Political shell games never pay out

2009-04-29T12:41:00.004-04:00

I didn't get the chance to include this the other day in the sidebar about veteran GOP Sen. Arlen Specter switching parties (again) but Springfield Republican Party head Mike Puppio pointed out - and I have to agree - that gaining Specter is no win for the Democrats.
In fact, it could very easily become a loss when all is said and done next November.

The reasoning basically goes like this: Pat Toomey, the strongest current contender for the GOP nomination in the 2010 race, potentially could have beat Specter in the primary. But anyone the Democrats put up (short of Baby Huey) would likely take out Toomey in November.
Result: 100 percent, full-blooded Democrat taking over for Specter in 2011.

With Specter's switch, however (plus swift backing from the Dems, who already say they won't endorse another candidate) Toomey can stop playing to the ultraconservatives and move more to the middle, while hammering Specter on his principles (or lack thereof) over the party switch.
Toomey, who many regard as a raving lunatic, is undeniably out of step with Republicans in the Southeast, but he could find a good deal of support from conservatives in the west on those two prongs alone. Compound that with Delco Democratic Party leader Cliff Wilson's observation that Specter could lose votes from new, young Democrats and independents if they see his switch as simple political self-preservation (which, you know, duh) and the odds of the seat remaining GOP would be at least even.
On top of that, if Republicans were to run someone like, say, Tom Ridge, who could defeat Toomey in the primary standing on his head, Specter could be in real trouble.
Result: 100 percent, full-blooded Republican taking over for Specter in 2011.

Now, let's say Specter somehow mystically wins out in November against whomever (which is entirely possible, though not full-on plausible).
Result: 40 percent Democrat taking over for a 60 percent Republican (himself) in 2011.

So, as Mike asked, what did Democrats really gain?
Not a whole hell of a lot, it would seem.

On a completely unrelated note, today marks Obama's 100th day in office. The television program "Lost" also airs its 100th episode tonight on ABC. Coincidence? Or do you get the feeling Obama wasn't supposed to leave the island?

No thanks, I prefer coffee

2009-04-15T17:14:00.004-04:00

It's tax day, and I am, quite understandably, non-plussed with my current fiscal outlook (see previous post). What with the filing, and the hatred for rich folks, and the impotent, all-consuming rage, it's probably going to take at least my weight in alcohol (and maybe yours, too) just to get to sleep tonight.
But even with all that, you know what I'm not doing today? Anything involving teabags. If you feel like dumping some tea into anything other than a cup today, go right ahead. Just do so with the knowledge that you, sir, are a Class A Nimrod. Aside from the fact that you would be completely missing the point of the original Boston tea party, there is also something to be said about how little anyone, anywhere, at any time (Fox News aside) will care about your little stunt.
No one in finance, no one in government, I mean absolutely no one is going to care how many bags of tea you dip into anything. And they will never care unless those teabags start choking up the system somehow - say, a trading floor or international credit card company.
Until you start actually messing with the Powers That Be in an effective manner, rather than playing dress up with your bowling buddies? Yeah, you ain't changing a damn thing, my nimrod friend.
But, you know, good luck with that anyhow. Have fun at your little "teabagging party" with your revolutionary friends. Down by the docks. Wearing frilly blouses. I'm sure no one will be laughing around mouthfuls of caviar at your expense.

Really, Mr. Tax Man?

2009-04-14T19:49:00.010-04:00

You want another 800 bucks? What the hell did you do with the $5,349 I already gave you last year?
Oh, that's right, you tossed it all in a desert and set it on fire. Or tossed it all over Wall Street and let them set it on fire.
Bravo, Douchie Le Rue.
Well, you know what, government? I'm not buying you any more toys to play with if you can't treat what I've already given you with respect.
I mean, seriously. What the hell is the matter with you? I'm lucky if I pull $420 a week with all the damn taxes you're hitting me with already, and now you want even more? For what? A new war? You barely did anything with the last one you started.
And that take-home figure, by the way, has not gone up in three years. Oh sure, I'm in a union and I get contractual raises, which is all well and good. But I also pay more every year in non-income taxes and medicare and all sorts of other little odds and bodkins that get sucked out of my check on a weekly basis. So I never actually see more money go into my pocket, but you jerks at the IRS don't care because on paper I made more in 2008 than in 2007.
Well, hooray for me.

And I ain't complaining about having a job, because lord knows that's not easy to come by these days (if you're not related to someone at the government center). Hell, I just watched someone put out 100-plus resumes before getting anything, but COME ON.
It's like if I'm not spitting out half a dozen ignorant, unwanted rats to suck at your teat or entering into some ill-advised, legally-binding relationship (read: marriage), I don't get any break at all. Where's all this compassion for the working man I hear so much about? Huh?

Oh, that's right. I get an extra $11 a week in my paycheck. Woop-de-freakin-doo. Let's see now, $11 ... times 52 ... carry the staggering debt, and that comes to ... ONE TENTH OF THE FREAKIN' MONEY YOU'RE SUCKING OUT OF MY WITHERED HUSK!
Well, bad news there, buckaroo, because I ain't got it. As of this writing, I have 22 cents in the bank. I am not even kidding.
So you say, "That's okay, we can work out a payment plan." Oh, goodie, can we? "Sure," you say. "It'll only cost you $45 up front, an undefined percentage of interest, plus penalties for any late payments if you should happen to come up short one month because, you know, YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN TAXED TO DEATH."

Well, forget that, man. And forget you. I ain't playing your stupid reindeer games anymore. What're you gonna do, send me to debtors prison (read: Georgia)? Good! I'll alert the media. Let's make this a big, fat, ugly political statement. I'm gonna enjoy being an economic martyr, roasting on the cross for the sins of bankers everywhere, critiquing all the horribly stupid garbage you rich bastards throw cash at like its a damn carny game with baseballs and milk bottles.

First item I'll be shouting incoherently about from the stockade? You guessed it: bailouts for the perversely rich, all of whom I would at this point like to bludgeon to death with a stack of junk bonds.
Unless you're giving that bailout money directly to me in a zero-sum exchange for your insane economic policies, then forget it. Look, this one should be easy: Let poorly-run companies die, that well-run companies might thrive. That's capitalism. Get with it, or I'll set you on fire.

Number two? Iraq War. You say we gotta stay around to make sure we "safely" redeploy over an 18-month period? Wrong again, jackass. First of all, the longer you're there, the less safe it becomes. Secondly, if an invading force finally decides to leave a country, I promise you, I guaran-freaking-tee you, the natives will not only help you pack, they will drive you at break-neck speeds to the airport without firing bullet one.
Which oughta free up a few billion, doncha think?

Or hey, how about we don't put ads for MONEY on television anymore, huh? You think we really need a $20 million advertising campaign telling people there's a new Washington dollar coin? No. No we don't. We'll see the things when they get into circulation. It's not like I won't figure out it's legal tender and just start throwing the stupid things away in the trash cans next to Septa ticket machines (which is the only place you'll ever see them dispensed, by the way, because FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME, THIS IS NOT EUROPE AND WE DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID COIN MONEY).

And that's just a taste of my wrath, Mr. Tax Man, I got plenty more where that came from. Enough to write a book - or a manifesto, maybe?
It's up to you. Do what's right and this can all go away. If you don't, well ...
Then I guess I'll see you in court.
Sucker.

Headlines The Onion overlooked this week

2009-04-12T04:21:00.002-04:00

"Area Man's Minimum-Wage Paycheck $11 Less Intolerable Than Before Obama"

"'No, Jer Booty!' Jokes on Rise in Wake of Piracy."

"Chitwood to Media: 'No Comment.'"

A brand new Afghanistan!

2009-04-02T17:14:00.003-04:00

The Associated Press reported today that a new Afghan law makes it "legal for men to rape their wives ...(according to) human rights groups and some Afghan lawmakers."
Oh, a new law about wife rape. What, was the old one getting a bit outdated?
"As long as the husband is not traveling, he has the right to have sexual intercourse with his wife every fourth night," according to the AP's dissection of the law. "Unless the wife is ill or has any kind of illness that intercourse could aggravate, the wife is bound to give a positive response to the sexual desires of her husband."
Great. Good job, Karzai, you slimy oaf. Tell me again why we haven't framed some pawn for assassinating this guy yet?
Now listen, I don't usually agree with people that just want to nuke the living hell out of whole chunks of desert, but I have had it with these people. They are never going to join us here in the 21st century - not societally, anyway.
To which I say: Fine. You want to remain in the 15th century as a society, you take all that comes with that. We'll stick you in a bubble and take away every advance made since, oh, let's say, 1500.
Which means no guns. Sorry, you'll have to make do with longbows. It also means no bombs, which is nice for the rest of us. No schools for the poor (not that anyone there is taught from any other text than the Qua'ran anyway). How about no cars? Don't worry, the exercise will do you good when you're heading to the candle shop because hey - NO ELECTRICITY, NUMBNUTS.
No farm equipment beyond a yak.
No water treatment plants.
No packaged foods.
No digital watches.
No plywood.
No #$%^ing air conditioners.
You starting to get the picture here?
Hey, you want to live in the past, I'll be more than happy to provide that for you. Just hope you know how to build a fire without matches there, Skippy. Enjoy your pitiful medieval existence!

Dear Buffalo Wild Wings,

2009-03-28T18:21:00.003-04:00

We get it. Anyone who has watched more than two hours of the men's NCAA tournament gets it. You have food and beer and people enjoy being in your restaurant. So much so that they wish they could move in.
Message received.
Now please, for the love of gourd, stop playing this horrendously imbecilic spot 600 times over the course of a single game. Or at least play a different commercial. I know you got 'em - you got one for every sport except Skee-ball, and they're all equally interchangeable. Just because they don't involve the sport actually being played on the television at the time the spot runs doesn't mean we won't come away with the message, BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME %&*$ING MESSAGE IN EVERY COMMERCIAL, DELIVERED IN EXACTLY THE SAME STUPID @$%*ING MANNER.

I mean, I've seen your basketball-geared commercial so many times, I can quote it verbatim:
DUDE 1: "I love watching sports in this gross chain restaurant soooooo much."
DUDE 2: "I also love this, and yet the sporting event we are watching is drawing to a close."
DUDE 1: "We should contrive to extend the outcome of said sporting event, that we might stay here longer or, if possible, forever."
DUDE 2: "Agreed."
BARTENDER: "Consider it done."
Cut to athlete getting nailed in his danglers/receiving blunt force trauma.
ALL: "Hooray!"

Ask anyone I know - if I can remember anything you've done that well, with my memory? Well then you have a serious problem with repeating yourself. Time to change it up.

Warmly,
The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollah
(dictated but not read)

Remembering advanced foods

2009-03-27T20:13:00.007-04:00

We all know about the so-called “four food groups” of grains, fruits, vegetables, meats, and dairy, yeah?
But granted you have the ability to count, or at the very least aren’t a thalidomide baby, you could figure out using the fingers of just one hand that there are actually five categories in that list provided by the United States Department of Agriculture.
The reason for this is twofold. First – and this is a little-known secret – the staff of the USDA actually is wholly made up of thalidomide babies who can’t count worth a damn, which is why they want you to eat, like, 12 servings of grains every day and drink two gallons of milk.
Second, there are far more than just the “four” food groups pushed on us by The Man, though most of these have been lost to the sands of time.

See, the USDA first began issuing periodic food guides in 1916. These would explain what Americans should eat so they could remain strong enough to fend off the ever-growing menace of the Bolsheviks, or whatever was threatening our way of life at any particular moment.
As political dissidents changed with the times, so did the guide. By 1934, Americans were urged to eat up to four government bonds per half-hour, in addition to the regular fruits, grains, scrap metal, coal dust, and other items necessary to fight “Jerry” (as the propagandist literature of the time had labeled Ba’athist France).

The guide reached its zenith in 1956, when the USDA consolidated nationally and regionally accepted food groups, which it then broke down into the “basic” and “advanced” categories.
The “four basic food groups” are all almost any of us remember, as the term was later amended to simply “the four food groups.”
The other 13 groups in the “advanced” category were all but forgotten, like that other guy from Wham! But one – Legumes – recently made its way back into the fold during a 1991 revision of the guide, giving hope to “advanced” food enthusiasts such as myself.
To recap, or for those simply unfamiliar with the remaining 12, they are:
Pickles, Candy, Coffee, Alcohol, Smoke, Plastics, Cocaine, Government Bonds, Cephalopods, Glass, Ink, and so-called “Crumbs.” (This last refers to Bose-Einstein particles absorbed through the skin, which aren’t technical a type of “food” in the strictest sense, but were thought at one point in the stupider parts of country to “put hair on yer chest.”)

It’s important to note that many of these were abandoned or forgotten with good reason – government bonds aren’t cheap, after all. But with our nation threatened by terrorists as never before, perhaps it is time to revisit the olden days, when men drank ink and pickled rabbits feet were consumed daily for good luck in our war against "The Reds."
And though I and others of my ilk feel a good many of these foods could – nay, should – one day rejoin their brothers in the "basic" food quadrangle, we also understand some consumer precautions need to be taken and information must be made available to the public.
For while a strict diet of cocaine might have helped plant the seeds of modern psychiatry in the mind of Sigmund Freud, no one today would dispute that some of the other foodstuffs mentioned here could have adverse effects if consumed in too great quantities. Remember, these are called "advanced" for a reason!

Eating too much candy, for instance, can cause this reaction:

While too much smoke produces something akin to this:

And, of course, it’s up to you how many cephalopods you enjoy on a daily basis, but keep in mind the end results could be devastating:

But don't despair America. By building upon a mastery of the basic food groups - and with a little luck - you too will eventually be able to find the balance in these advanced groups that best suits you. Why, just look at what they've done for me:

Fun facts about PPA employees

2009-03-27T10:21:00.003-04:00

1. Each has murdered at least one kitten.
2. Their favorite snack is their own young.
3. Many in the higher echelon are actually direct descendants of Adolph Hitler.
4. They've never kissed a girl - and never will.
5. Their cellulite-ridden thighs and buttocks resemble a two-gallon dollop of cottage cheese.
6. Those who evolve to the point of opposable thumbs are immediately fired. And by fired, I mean executed.
7. The meter maids were all part of a secret experiment that replaced their human brains with that of a dog or, in some instances, large raccoon.
8. Everyone in middle management sleeps together. Upside-down. In a cave near Fairmount Park.
9. They keep the phone operators starved nearly to the point of death to achieve maximum rudeness.
10. They piddle through their small, secretive, unsatisfying lives seeking only the enjoyment garnered from projecting their pain onto others through a vicious and vulture-like ticketing system, needless bureaucracy, and general evil. EVIL I SAY!

Ah, we kid here.
But seriously, if you work for the PPA, don't ever tell me, because the first thing I will do is punch you in the face, and the second thing I will do is stand on your windpipe until something pops.