faktorial.com {satire with balls}

I’m in Mahmoud for Love

2007-09-27T06:14:00.000-04:00

It’s been only one year since he first called me ‘queer’

And threatened to kill all my friends near and dear.
Now, he is changed. He’s the love of my life,
I am Mahmoud’s big, luscious, trans-gendered wife

Our love simmered slowly under enemy fire,
As Saddam sent our hairiest men to funeral pyres
In those smelly, black trenches, one brave lad stood out,
Like a kettle or teapot, he was hot, short, and stout.

Fire in his belly and the buns of a god,
I knew that he’d kill me if I stared at his wad
I suffered in silence and then let it go,
War’s just not safe for an Iranian homo

Years quickly passed. All my friends had now wed,
And there I still was giving gay soldiers head.
One day between clients in a seedy motel,
I saw HIM on TV damning all Jews to hell

My heart went a flutter, my loins were aflame,
I wanted his love, and to scream out his name!
Ahmadinejad! Ahmadinejad! I’m yours!
…as long as you never see what’s in my drawers

Dressed like a lady, I took to the street,
To all of the nooks where girls and tyrants meet
After-mosque hate-fests, jihadist retreats,
Ayatollah-coaster rides, and gay ‘beat-and-greets’

Finally, I found him in a burkalesque joint,
Girls covered in sacks, Mullahs spouting their points
Praise be Allah! We finally spoke!
It was love at first sight…through the slits of my cloak

That dark, steamy night sparked a five year affair,
He’d read me the Koran, I’d describe him my hair
Five years of courtship had taken their tolls,
His mood became blue… not to mention his balls

Convince me he tried: "Marry me, I’ll be true,
I’ll dedicate nuclear reactors to you”
“They’re for energy only,” he’d insist with a wink,
Then he’d whisper sweet nothings about Al-Qaeda links

As he sipped virgin daiquiris from my size 12 Kenneth Coles,
I was drunk with desire, I would bare him my soul
He was not very happy with my missing hole,
He raved like a madman, smashed my face with a bowl

He zipped up his pants; “there’s no gays in Iran!”
I had to get fixed to hold on to MY MAN
The next day after surgery was the worst of my life,
Until boxes of gifts had begun to arrive

He meant to send roses, but sent guns by mistake
So Hezbollah kept calling, for goodness sake!
He did send me tampons and a silent CD,
Music wasn’t allowed…at least he’s thinking of me

Till this very day, ‘it’ sits, locked in his drawer,
A secretive relic of why I’m still sore
He still threatens me lovingly with his firing squad,
But I know that he loves me because in bed, it’s JIHAD!

By faktorial.com – where despots let their freak flags fly.

Think we're joking? Here's the article that inspired this brilliant faktorial:
Read this article from The Guardian UK

Polyp from President’s Colon Contains Nancy Pelosi

2007-07-30T12:14:00.000-04:00

After a detailed biopsy, Dr. Herman von Blumpkin said that the polyp removed from President Bush’s colon contained House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. It appears Ms. Pelosi was digested whole and ungarnished. After promising to end the Iraq war and reverse the damage of the Bush Administration, both Miss Pelosi and hope for change have mysteriously vanished. Doctors were only able to recover one of these items from the First Rectum.

“She hung on for dear life,” observed Dr. Blumpkin. “We found a trail of broken Lee Press-On Nails, silicone gel, and wig glue throughout Mr. Bush’s large intestine,” he added.

To earn the trust of the administration, prospective aides, cabinet nominees, and generals must earn a Dicks-Sigma brown belt. Certification requires at least forty hours inside either George Bush or Dick Cheney’s colon with little more than trail mix, a candle, and a quilted roll of Exit Strategy.

According to White House Spokesman Tony Snow, “Mr. Bush can loosen and release visitors on demand. It’s a technique he learned from Deepak Chopra.” The former journalist continued, “When Ms. Pelosi passed me, riding a tidal wave of beef stew and baby carrots, I knew the Democrats might be up to something.”

In fact, Ms. Pelosi believed that infiltrating the Administration’s inner sanctum was the Democrats’ only hope. “We had no idea how inner their sanctum really was,” one Congressman admitted.

The Democrats' original volunteer, Congressman Charlie Rangel, was too beefy to fit inconspicuously inside the President. Reportedly, Mr. Rangel failed his first drill. Despite hours of yoga and lubrication, he struggled to get more than a yard deep into a nearly-rigid Jerry Falwell. Unlike Ms. Pelosi, Mr. Rangel expected to encounter fierce opposition from well-armed, fundamentalist white blood cells.

While Ms. Pelosi hunted for strategic truffles, Mr. Cheney used his brief tenure to issue nine executive orders, eliminating free speech, brown M&M’s, and each of “those seven gay dwarves”.

By Faktorial.com – where we strongly advise against lighting a candle inside an intestine, without Republican supervision.

COMMENTARY: My Ribbed, Lubricated Entry into the Presidential Race [Part 1]

2007-07-16T03:17:00.000-04:00

A lot of people are asking why I haven’t been writing as many faktorials lately. I assure you it’s not because of my recent appearance on Dateline NBC. (For the record, it’s not my fault it takes lots of Tootsie Rolls, ribbed Trojans, and chloroform-soaked rags to bond with the MySpace generation.) The real reason for my disappearance is I’ve been making big plans. I am hereby announcing the formation of a depilatory committee to groom me for the White House. In the immortal words of my hero and mentor, Notorious B.L.T., ‘I’s gonna be yo’ PrEZyDENT, beeeyach!!’

You might be wondering what qualifies me to be your Fuhrer. Exhibit A: George W. Bush. He’s dumber than calamari. I can’t even look at him anymore, without imagining him dipped in buttermilk and cornmeal. This is not a tough act to follow. It’s a miracle I don’t have visions of walking through walls, bending space and time, or liberating the demoralized muskrat on top of Donald Trump.

Fortunately, I have so many brilliant ideas that I have to split my platform into two faktorials. Today, my domestic manifesto:

1. Illegal Immigration

Holy sh*t – you mean some dude just crawled from Mexico for 5 hours, under barbed wire, to pick my oranges!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I love Tropicana! I don’t know anyone else clamoring to pick those oranges, do you? I won’t even get up to find the remote control. I’ll sit through hours of incredibly gay programming on Bravo, until I have to pee. Even then, I spend a minute pondering the physics of using that empty Snapple bottle that seems almost within range...almost.

Verdict: I love immigrants! The more illegal, the less I have to tip them! My plan is to educate them, groom them, and teach them calculus until they can invent a remote that lovingly jumps into my arms and allows me to reduce my gay programming intake, at least until the batteries die. Miguel? Miguel!! Donde estan los Alkalines?

2. Healthcare Reform

Yeah, I saw Sicko. I understand the problem. How can the fattest filmmaker in America be the face of healthcare reform? It’s clear I have to do something. If for no other reason, than because I’m marginally less bloated. (Mike – have you considered a fruit? Any will do. A grape? Try it without the butter.)

My plan to reform healthcare is two pronged. Literally. I will make 4-pronged forks illegal. My research tells me that two-pronged forks will increase food-fork slippage by 40%. If my math is right, more food on the floor = less food in your big fat, wretched gullet!

My other solution? Eliminate doctors! It seems their greed is causing the price of healthcare to spiral out of control. Those poor HMO’s have to spend precious resources riding these lethargic “caregivers”. I say if you can’t get from A) Naked Patient to B) Washing Your Index Finger, in less than 4 minutes, you’re no Jenna Jameson, Doc.

Under my administration, you’ll be able to go straight into Cigna’s headquarters and have one of their secretaries cup your genitals and have you cough. It will be considerably cheaper. The best part is that the secretary can then immediately process your claim – no extra administration! No doctors! No hernia!! Probably.

3. Energy Independence

Are you tired of killing Arabs in the hopes of saving at the pump? I know I am. I thought for sure that last Texaco manager would shoot back. My solution? It’s the dirty word no politician wants to use. No, not Motherf^%&er. Conservation. It’s time everyone used smaller cars. Unless you have a lumberyard or a platinum rap album, there’s no reason for you to drive an Escalade. I propose government investment in wind-powered, “sail-cars”. You might get home, or you might drift towards the Panama Canal. Either way, America wins.

Also, instead of unnecessary leisure travel, I propose tapping into the most plentiful resource on Earth - Japanese vacation photos. By partnering with Japan and Google Maps, we can superimpose your fat family on top of a much smaller, trimmer Japanese one and voila! Instant vacation, without the waste.

4. Government Reform

I’m tired of corporate interests subverting our democracy with their bribes, lobbyists, and loose-lipped D.C. hookers. We need to give control back to the people. The little people. I mean that literally. After watching ‘Little People, Big World’ on TLC, I realized that the only noble people left on Earth are dwarves (and probably elves and trolls, but they don’t have a show yet.). I propose an entire government of legislators no taller than 4 foot 11 inches. Not only will they lead justly, but they’re cheaper to maintain and you can send fourth graders to kick their asses if they screw up.

Coming soon: ‘Part 2 - Jews for Jihad’. How my presidency can stop terrorism, nuclear proliferation, and Al Gore. You’ll never look at a warhead the same way again.

By Faktorial.com – where elves and trolls turn for political empowerment.

Cheney Joins New Species to Avoid Oversight

2007-06-26T19:29:00.001-04:00

Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lumpy Farnsworth, asserted yesterday that the Vice President will not release any classified documents because he is, in fact, a giant Peruvian penguin. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow clarified, “I know, Secretary sounds like a girl’s job.” He continued, “The Vice President simply cannot ‘hand over’ documents. Everybody knows penguins have no hands. Mr. Cheney was never explicitly asked to ‘flipper over’ any documents.”

After the real Penguin and his arch enemy, Batman, debunked Mr. Cheney’s claim, the Vice President’s legal team released this statement:

“One year ago, Vice President Cheney hired a no-bid contractor to build a top-secret sanctuary inside his own head. This ‘Island of Justice’ (IOJ) will act as America’s K-Y Jelly, keeping the ferocious thrust of freedom from tearing and bleeding. Like Guantanamo, IOJ operates well outside US or Jedi jurisdiction. The Island features amenities like encrypted e-mail, a clone army, and a modest Lipitor factory.”

In a strange press conference this morning, Mr. Cheney somersaulted into the room and hopped onto the podium. He introduced himself as “Imperial Commander of the Island of Justice, the most magical place in the whole, wide world.” Mr. Cheney then held up a gold medallion with a “~” symbol. “From this day forward, you may call me ‘Squiggly Thing’”. He stopped abruptly and skipped out of the building into the Vice Presidential limo, Ambulance Two.

After the press conference, Bill Kristol of FOX News defended the Vice President. “Squiggly Thing is definitely not part of the Executive Branch. He’s a completely different person,” he insisted. “I would go as far as to say, that as long as he’s not on US soil, he’s not bound by any US laws.”

“That includes when he jumps,” confirmed Hallie Burton, Mr. Cheney’s lead attorney. “In fact, any decisions made while Dick Cheney is airborne are not subject to US law. That goes doubly for Squiggly Thing.” She added, “Both Mr. Cheney and Squiggly Thing are training with LeBron James to maximize their leaping abilities. The conditioning will allow them to issue non-Executive orders in complete sentences, instead of fragments like ‘fire attorneys’ or ‘kill Michael Mooo’.”

Administration officials claim that Mr. Cheney and Mr. Squiggly are quite close, but competitive. “They’re even planning a hunting trip,” revealed one cabinet member.

After the press demanded access to Squiggly Thing and the Island of Justice, Lumpy Farnsworth announced a plan to hide five Golden Squigglies inside random oil barrels. “The first five reporters who find these, will win a free tour of The Island,” he explained.

The announcement triggered an immediate spike in oil demand.

by faktorial.com – where one more bite from Dick Cheney will definitely turn us Republican!

COMMENTARY: Is Mitt Romney Slowly Turning Me Gay?

2007-05-06T04:04:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's that time again - when the huddled masses turn to faktorial.com for a deep, penetrating, and wonderfully sloppy Presidential endorsement. Much like foreplay with a cannibal, we're gonna take this one slow. Today, you'll get my take on the Gay Old Party. Six years under Sith Lord Rove and Darth Cheney and I've completely lost my taste for Bush.

Today’s Republicans are a funny bunch. Not “ha-ha” funny. More of a “get ammo at Wal-Mart, shoot illegal Mexicans, and torture A-rabs” kind of funny. Their convention is increasingly dominated by people who believe dinosaurs, Adam and Eve, and Spartacus fought over apples at the Olive Garden, circa 1492.

When catering to nuts, we should cut the presidential candidates a little slack. When Mike Huckabee proposes arming toddlers to hunt non-pregnant, illegals from July through October, take heart. You can safely assume he really means August. (Note to Blanca Rodriguez: follow the map on the back of your sonogram to safety. And, RUN!! ANDALE!!)

In this week's debate, candidates were asked to raise their hands if they didn't believe in evolution. Three raised their hands! WHAAAT?!?? Leading gullible Americans down the path of ignorance is an act of treason. When their hands went up, I half-expected the midget from Jackass to run onstage and staple Sam Brownback's scrotum to the podium. No such luck. We'll have to wait for the DVD extras.

PROUD PAPA RUDY

Wearing his best crotch-less pandering panties and a matching purse, Giuliani came up with a doozy. When asked about abortion rights, which he supports (and will continue to), he said (I'm paraphrasing), "Oompa Loompa, you're baby's a clot. If you have a plunger, you can use it or not."

Why insult our intelligent design, Rudy? Wouldn't conservatives respect you more if you just said what you really believe? And, that you're not just a one issue candidate, but you also took a lot of photos near Ground Zero.

Giuliani would be great if there were Guidos overcharging for garbage collection in Georgetown. Or, if strippers tried selling fish 10 yards from the Pentagon. Sadly, he's not a visionary. He's like an upscale bouncer - great with brass knuckles, but a little scary with warheads, or strappy red pumps.

LOVIN’ MITT

Isn't Mitt Romney puuurrrty? I think they came up with the "60 is the new 40" expression just for him. Of course, I've seen the other ten million 60 year olds. They all look like Don Imus and are counting the days until bus fare is half price.

Don't get me wrong, Romney is a good businessman and a smart guy...except for believing in magical, gold plates and a unicorn named Luigi. No, he's not perfect, but he looks the part. He's got great hair, perfect teeth, an olive tan. I might not vote for him, but I'm eerily close to rubbing Coppertone on his back.

JOHNNY MAVERICK

What happened to our Maverick McCain? He seems old and looks like his diaper’s full of compromises. He's also the only one enthusiastic about Bush's new Iraq "strategy". Adding troops to a civil war and calling it a "strategy" is like adding “thoughtless little pig” at the end of a voicemail to your 11 year old daughter and calling it “parenting”.

I still respect McCain, but old farts should never be president. They just don't give a crap and are prone to Viagra rage. Imagine having a shiny, new boner and the only place you can park it is inside a 75 year old! If grandpa sex didn't feel like throwing a pencil into a shopping bag, Rumsfeld might not have pointed his WMD at Iraq.

THE REST (IN PEACE)

The one guy I really like is Dr. Ron Paul - a real conservative, not a Noah’s Ark refugee. He's for balanced budgets, Darwin, and for individually wrapping those chalky mints at the Chinese restaurant. He's also the only Republican to have voted against both the war in Iraq and Sanjaya on American Idol. Unfortunately, he's got as much of a chance of winning as McCain does of juggling three torches while riding Sam Bareback. ....another white middle-aged male marginalized by society, living on a pile of shattered hopes.

Speaking of which, way to diversify, Republicans! Put a Thai tranny or an Ecuadorian dwarf up there. At least make it look like you tried. Of course, I kid. Everyone knows all the good diversity candidates are already booked on the Howard Stern Show.

As for the other Republicans, they're just looking to get away from their families for a few months. Combined, they've raised enough money for a Best Western with 3 cots, a Durex Snug Fit Value Pak, and a timeshare with a DC hooker, who promises to be completely discreet…really.

Finally, Fred Thompson, stay home! No one will vote for you just because you're on TV. The American people are smarter than that. You've never even worked with a monkey half as talented as Bonzo!

Coming Soon:

Part 2: Poking, Prodding, Dissecting (OK…and Fondling a Few) Democrats

Part 3: The Coveted Faktorial.com Endorsement

By Faktorial.com - where we’d never actually fondle a Democrat...without a parental signature or the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.

Greek Parade Faces Hostile Takeover After Pita Theft

2007-04-25T04:26:00.000-04:00

After an embarrassing turnout at Sunday’s Greek Day Parade, analysts predict a hostile takeover, possibly by the Persian Rug Pageant. Sunday's debacle featured several, mostly Puerto Rican high school bands, floats made of Reynolds Wrap and back hair, and a small fire caused by the Souvlaki Unibrow Institute. The parade’s demise may have been sealed when Greece's most precious artifact, The Giant Pita, was stolen by masked bandits.

Legend has it that The Giant Pita (a.k.a. Pita the Great), a 67-foot flatbread, was prepared for Alexander the Great by only three Spartan bakers. Historians believe that it should have taken several hundred bakers to handle a pita of that size, making it one of the bravest culinary feats in history. But, in a moment of carelessness, the iconic pastry was gone.

Till this day, Greek boys in Astoria, New York are taken from their families at the age of six to be raised by sweaty, hairy Greek men with a singular purpose – to defend The Giant Pita. They wrestle nude, learn to handle their kebabs, and make yogurt sauce under the watchful eye of Pitacus, the legendary leader of the Astoria Greeks.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Gus #7, a Pitacus disciple. “The great pita was poorly defended. We have no excuse.”

Another witness, Gus #453, found a bright side to the tragedy. “We might have lost the pita, but this marks the first time in our rich history that the Greek Orthodox Boys Choir and the Mega Erectus Bath House fought together, side by side, against a common enemy.” He added, “This union brings renewed hope for the future of Astoria and for the accelerated production of our famous, tangy yogurt.”

Privately, the parade’s organizers are believed to be desperately seeking a merger with a sympathetic parade partner. Candidates include The Latvian Liver Festival, Sanjaya-palooza, and the Michael Bolton/John Tesh World Tour.

Jeff Blumfield, Parade Analyst at Bear Sterns, expects the worst. "I don’t think a hostile takeover can be avoided,” he predicted. “Greeks might just wake up tomorrow and find out they’re now Irish, Dominican, or possibly Chinese.”

At first, many assumed the blockbuster movie ‘300’ would rejuvenate Greek pride. Unfortunately, after years in the American school system, most young Greeks surveyed at the parade believed Sparta was “somewhere near Canada”.

by Faktorial.com – where the yogurt is always fresh and maps of Sparta, Canada are available for $10 plus S&H.

God: I Can't Hear You! Neenerneenerneenerneeenrnee...

2007-04-17T01:50:00.000-04:00

Thirty three dead at Virginia Tech. 9/11. Howard K. Stern. What else will convince you to stop freakin’ praying to me? Waaaah!! I want the Red Sox to win!! Waaahh! I have crabs and I’m not fulfilled! Waaahhh! I wanted the Nano, not the Shuffle! Shut up already! I’m sick of your whining!

Don't you realize – I DON’T CARE?!? King of Queens has been on for nine seasons!!! NINE seasons!! Has anyone you know ever come up to you and said, “Hey, did you see King of Queens last night?” NO! Why do you think that is, Genius?

You see, it all started with a big bang. At first, it was all rocks, fire, and methane – kind of like Baghdad on a good day. I was sooo bored. I started to tinker. First, a few little organisms. Then, seaweed. LAME! So, I invited Zeus, Vishnu, and Xena, the Warrior Princess, for a brainstorming session at the Hades Hilton. Yoda, the Keebler Elves, and Mephistopheles hosted breakout sessions. Thor facilitated the icebreaker exercise. (Nice job, Thor!) Lunch was on the promenade (where incidentally, my Sprint phone had no reception!).

Anyway, we came up with two projects – one in the Milky Way and one in the Sirius Galaxy. You see, the Sirius project would be micro-managed by me and Xena (what great hooves she has!). The project on Earth was to be completely self-managed by something called “evolution”. Sally Field came up with that one. (She’s older than she’ll have you believe.) Anyway, we took bets to see who'd be first to beat CSI: Alpha Centauri's ratings on WGOD-4, our local cable access channel.

It wasn’t long before Xena and I had 12 Angry Green Men, 45,544,642 Rock, and My Name is Knoblob on Must-See-Thursdays. Our clips were all over jewtube.god. We even had an alien manage-a-trios during ratings sweeps.

Sally wasn’t having much luck with Evolution Wednesdays. The ratings stunk! For the first billion years, it was cells multiplying. It should have been cancelled after that stupid Protozoa Hunter mini-series. They incinerated the producer and promised to add Heather Locklear to the cast. So, your crappy show stayed on. Finally, after 2 billion years of rodents and big, retarded dinosaurs humping, we had something interesting – humans. You were smarter than the clods that came before you. And, you were the only thing that could compete with the new Sirius Spice adult channel. (Yeah, you guessed it – aliens humping. What did you expect from the writers of Blossom?)

So here we are. You have great ratings, so we can’t kill you. But, you’re still a bunch of sissy assholes. Scores of you die each day. Still, you’re constantly praying and whining even though no one ever, ever answers. (Though, every once in a while, Xena does screw with Bill O’Reilly because he’s such a righteous prick.) To be fair, if I had a penis and long hair like you dummies portray me with, I wouldn’t mind a piece of Lance Bass. He’s dreamy!

Till then, don’t expect any miracles and keep voting Republican. It’s really great television!

By Faktorial.com – where we’d gladly go to hell if it had more channels.

‘Take Pill, Kasparov’

2007-04-15T02:27:00.000-04:00

Former Russian chess champion and freedom fighter, Gary Kasparov, was arrested Sunday for leading a protest of Vladimir Putin's authoritarian regime. Mr. Kasparov took over after former rebel leader, Vladimir ‘Crazy Clown’ Trotsky, was trampled to death by fleeing protesters as his massive, green shoes got caught in a sewer drain.

Though Mr. Kasparov was later released, Faktorial.com has obtained a secret transcript of his detention experience:

Guard 1: Take this pill.

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: Take it..

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: Are you hungry?

Kasparov: No.

Guard 1: We have sushi.

Kasparov: I’m not hungry.

Guard 1: Cake. We have cake.

Kasparov: It’s fluorescent.

Guard 1: But is delicious! Yum! Boris, come here. Try cake.

(Guard 2, Boris, walks over).

Guard 1: Here try!

(Boris resists. Guard 1 places a piece on a spoon.)

Guard 1: Choo Chooo!

(Boris keeps his mouth closed. Turns his head.)

Guard 1: You don’t want cake? OK.

(Guard 1 takes out his gun and shoots Boris in the head.)

Guard 1: Anyway, I say, is good cake.

Guard 1: You have kids?

by faktorial.com - where we know Polonium does not affect the flavor.

NY Times Article

How I Fell in Love with Ann Coulter

2007-03-06T16:43:00.000-05:00

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was channel surfing and there she was. A guest on Real Time with Bill Maher. Those long, sexy legs. Flowing, gilded blond hair. I cranked up the volume. From the moment I heard her sweet, luscious voice utter, "Bill Clinton is a child rapist", I knew she was The One.

I had to learn everything I could about my Golden Princess. I bought all her books - "Why Jews Killed Christ and Made GefilteChrist From His Kidneys", "Torture, Schmorture: How I Extract Truth From One Arab a Day and Still Keep My Day Job", and her classic, "Hey Hillary, There's a Coat Hanger in My Bloody Fetus." If Charlotte Bronte had balls, or Joseph Goebbels a word processor, they could only dream of being Ann Coulter.

Once I learned all I could about my Ann, I made plans to attend all of her appearances. I knew that as soon as she noticed my intense, cross-eyed gaze, she'd call me a 'dirty fag' and we'd fall madly in love. If only it were so.

The first appearance I attended was a NASCAR rally. It didn't go well. Apparently, Ann had many suitors competing for her attention. Each showed up with as much, or more, CoulterCuntry.com paraphernalia than I had - the exploding JFK head, old detonators from abortion clinic bombings, even her new ObamaNation Thermos, which turns black around black people and white around whites. These people had way more resources than I did. I had to take drastic measures. I killed four of them. Clearly, I would not have enough emotional energy, or room in my van, for My Dearest Ann.

I decided to try a different tact. Luckily, it was election season and Ann was guest-hating on a number of TV shows. I watched them all. I took careful notes on every American enemy she'd mention - John Murtha...Nancy Pelosi...Carrot Top.

It was harder and more expensive to "get to" these America-haters than I thought. So, I did the next best thing. I found their families. Within a week, I sent My Love two dozen black roses and ten severed pinkies inside a beautiful vase made of 97% pure Iraqi prisoner bone. It would be the first thing she saw when she opened her crypt at sundown. I was so in!!!

It did not take long for the cops to arrive at my shed.

As I sit in my cell, my Dear Sweet Ann, oh how I long for thee. Each day I dream of waking up to the sound of you calling me a n**ger-lover or a weak-willed, liberal c*ck-s*cker. The melodic flow of your Adam's apple is fused into my memory. I long to be enveloped in your warm, bodacious bile. Hold me. Scrape your name into my back with your serpentine claws. Love me, Ann. Love me like Pudgy Brown, my cell-mate, never, ever could.

by Faktorial.com - where we know a girl with serpentine claws is a keeper.

The Blog | Arianna Huffington: Has Ann Coulter (Finally) Had Her Macaca Moment? | The Huffington Post

Japanese Man sues King of Pop for Losing Face

2007-03-05T18:34:00.000-05:00

A financially-strapped Michael Jackson, who recently auctioned off his petrified pet chimp, his detachable scrotum, and the boy holding it, is being sued. In papers filed today in Tokyo, Ichiro Suzuki, who paid $3,500 for a 30 second face to face meeting with Jackson, claims the meeting did not actually happen because "Mr. Jack-san has no face." Mr. Suzuki and his nine year-old son Kibuki Suzuki are suing for 540 Billion Yen, or $167.50. The suit alleges the boy is now "too traumatized to attend Thriller Middle School , a prestigious Karaoke academy, causing the family great shame." Jackson's publicist promised the star would address all charges once he locates his mouth, which he recently misplaced. Should he prevail, Mr. Suzuki plans to use the money to meet his other heroes, Robert Blake and Sirhan Sirhan.

Press-Telegram - $3,500 for face time with King of Pop

Castro Recovering From a Mild Case of Death

2007-03-02T02:01:00.000-05:00

HAVANA, CUBA - Cuba's Foreign Minister Felipe Perez confirmed today that Fidel Castro is headed for a full recovery. He explained that "El Presidente has been following his doctor's advice of resting in formaldehyde and avoiding strenuous hobbies such as moving or breathing."

To maintain order, Cuba's Channel Uno, which also simulcasts on Channel Dos and Channel Tres, has been airing footage of the ailing dictator bungee jumping, smoldering on hot coals, and making love to Screech from Saved by the Bell. When a worm crawled out of El Presidente's eye socket during "the money shot", many began to suspect the film was doctored.

To quell further suspicion, Mr. Castro is going on a live tour. 'The Original Cadavers of Comedy' with James Brown and Anna Nicole Smith kicks off in Fresh Kills, NY on Saturday March 17.

by faktorial.com - where even cadavers can oppress a nation

Excite News - Cuban Minister: Castro Could Return Soon

COMMENTARY: Cheney Makes Britney Look Sane

2007-02-26T19:15:00.000-05:00

Watching Dick Cheney on his Magical Mystery Tour, I can't help but think he's been snorting his heart medication through a tightly rolled Halliburton stock certificate! Lets' recap - this week Dick's celebrated the withdrawal of British troops from Iraq, while sending 21,000 of our tired troops and crossing guards to slaughter. (The Democrats are going to pounce on this one! Just you wait! Wait...wait...) Dick's also thanked Japan and Australia for their support of the Iraq war. If I recall correctly, Australia donated one gimpy, bomb-sniffing cat. The lone Japanese troop ate that cat sashimi-style while guarding his armored Sony PS3.

Finally, Dick was with Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. Look at this picture. Until now, you could only get this kind of chemistry in a Liza Minelli marriage. Now, I understand why Britney is shaving her head and we're all riveted like we've seen Messiah or a JetBlue plane take off. It's all too much to take. In a world where logic and reason no longer prevail, it's time that we all run off and marry a Howard K. Stern or Charles D. Manson and live in a reality that is far less harsh. In a battle between war and implants, I say, "Bring me Anna Nicole in a sexy dress - worms and all!"

By Faktorial.com - where we would never do anything untoward with a corpse. Really.

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Thanking Japan? Why?

NYTimes - Cheney & Musharraf

COMMENTARY: Paris Hilton’s Grimy Eggs for President!

2007-02-09T14:21:00.000-05:00

As I watch a stray breadcrumb cascade over my second and third chins onto my engorged belly, my heart aches. No, not over that second chicken roll. I am upset over the tragic loss of Anna Nicole Smith. (I’m also slightly annoyed that Snickers ads are making me homophobic.) Why is Anna’s death so traumatic to this Bloated-American? Well, she was part of my master plan to arouse our flaccid democracy, save the Presidency, and revitalize the dairy industry.

First, let’s review why our country and political system look a lot like the payload of a crazed astronaut’s diaper:

George W. Bush – if he were any less successful, he’d be producing CBS’s Armed & Famous in a Jimmy Carter mask.
Diane Feinstein – this criminal doled out $792 million to her husband through her Congressional subcommittee. It’s not that her colleagues were seduced by her soft, supple skin and pear-shaped, 73-year old booty. No, these other cronies are in on the joke. Why do you think there’s never been a credible campaign finance reform bill…or a black person served at Denny’s?
Race-Religion-Sexual Orientation-Dick Cheney - What do all these have in common? They are all tools. And, they’re ways to divide us. They divert focus from things that truly matter like healthcare, education, and Paula Abdul.

So where’s the fix, oh Great Faktorial.com? The answer lies in Paris Hilton’s jeans. No, not those odd, red blisters. Her eggs. The only way to save our democracy is to carefully breed future politicians. That’s right, BREED! If it can get us a Labradoodle, it can get us a president.

Some propose taxing the rich. I propose impregnating them – early and often. Only by crossbreeding the rich with geniuses can we save our system. Just yesterday, I was only a nurse and a Barry White CD away from producing Stephen Hawking’s and heiress Anna Nicole’s lovechild. Now, I sit and wait for Madonna’s signature before I can baste Lourdes Ciccone in Hawking’s priceless stew. Again, democracy suffers.

Why such desperate measures? Money. Our system is corrupt. We’re not electing a President, we’re buying carefully packaged products, each costing $200 million+ to market. If you’re a candidate and someone gives you say $1 million, a goodnight kiss just won’t do. You’re getting full-on, hard-core lesbian #$% with a #$% stuffed in your #$*(&%, with enough tongue %^&*)*_ to buckle a mid-sized rhino.

Look at Hillary (carefully and through a pinhole). She’s a soulless, calculated, poll-molded, bundle of ambition. Even without any genuine principles or decent electrolysis, she may be the best candidate that special interest money can buy.

Republican options don’t look great either. Rudy’s sitting on the fence, aggravating an already testy prostate. McCain’s courting the kooks that got Bush into office. John, buddy, what happened? And, Mitt Romney is busy explaining how having 12 wives, wearing magic underwear, and believing in gold plates handed out by angels won’t affect his political decisions. Kookoo Kookoo….

There is hope. There is a type of independent politician that has principles – bored billionaires tired of airborne Jacuzzi’s, sex at Nobu, and meals with models:

Exhibit A: NY Governor Eliot Spitzer. The guy takes on everybody – thieving corporations, his own party, schoolchildren. I heard he punched his mother the other day. This guy’s on fire! He’s one of the few politicians with balls. Enjoy his balls while you can. They are few and far between, so to speak. Fighting worthless bureaucrats without leverage is a sign of independence. It is also a sign that Zoloft is under-prescribed. I admire anyone willing to take on his own party. It reminds me of the time I went to war with my penis over this fat girl. We both lost.
Exhibit B: NY Mayor Bloomberg. This little fidget is doing a great job! He is by far the best mayor NY has ever seen. And, in my opinion, the only person in the US qualified to be President, or Mini-me in Austin Powers 4. Think about it. Bill Clinton won after running a $47,000 budget where 2.5 million people share a single, tattered DNA strand. In contrast, Bloomberg built a global company and is running something far more complex – a Sybian vibrator for his girlfriend. Not easy getting excited for the little tyke – power or not. Anyway, you get my point.

Finally, this solution has its risks. While JFK was great, JFK Jr. was weeded out by Darwin. If only a plane was as easy to operate as genitalia…what might have been. Anyway, there is no room for mistakes. Your mission is clear: If you have a billion dollars, please f*ck a genius! Our country is riding on it. Suri Cruise is riding on it, or will be in 16 years.

P.S. - There is one simpler solution. We could just pay politicians for performance. Have a reward structure like businesses do. Maybe we’d actually attract fewer intern-touchers and more high-performers. Of course, that wouldn’t be nearly as fun as shtupping Paris Hilton. That’s hot!

By faktorial.com – where genetic engineering and natural selection feel just a little bit dirty.

J-Date Turns Jewish Man Anti-Semitic

2007-01-22T03:39:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES - In October 2006, David Birnbaum, a 30 year old marketing manager, joined Jdate.com, a popular Jewish dating site. Mr. Birnbaum, a Jew, did so to silence his mother’s ruthless deconstruction of all his non-Jewish girlfriends. The sound of her voice in his head eventually ruined all of those relationships. “You call this a girl?” “What kind of face is that?” “What’s with those thighs? Like tree trunks. Feh.” Then after three months of dating only Jews, Mr. Birnbaum quit his synagogue, shaved his head, and gave the keynote address at a Holocaust denial conference in Iran.

Like most of Mr. Birnbaum’s accomplishments, this quest began with a subconscious disdain for his mother. It was punctuated by her persistent, empty threat, “I’m not gonna live forever, Bubaleh.” Like Ahab and Moby-Dick, Birnbaum took to the internet to hunt his mythical creature, the nice Jewish girl. While specific traits are said to vary, the Unabridged Oy to Oy-Vey Dictionary defines “nice Jewish girl” as “a bride who proudly inherits her mother-in-law’s nagging and emasculation duties.”

Mr. Birnbaum could sense the desperation in his parents. “At one point, I knew they’d be happy with anyone with some combination of ten fingers or toes and little to no evidence of retardation,” he admitted. “As long as she could stop drooling long enough to make latkes or remove that creepy gelatin off the Gefilte fish, they’d throw us the biggest wedding this side of Mumbai.”

It was during J-Date’s sign-up process that Mr. Birnbaum began feeling uncomfortable. He had tried Match.com and Yahoo Personals, but never encountered a mandatory financial portfolio section. “It was integrated with Quicken, TurboTax, and Microsoft Money,” he added.

“Right after J-Date validated my W-2’s, the first girl I e-mailed sent me a detailed ‘Notice of Incompatibility’,” he recalled. “She thought we shouldn’t date because I’m a growth investor and she’s into bonds and livestock futures. She then proceeded to critique my 401K allocations.”

Gary Schwartz, a friend and fellow online dater, suggested that Mr. Birnbaum use his Starbucks Strategy. “You meet for coffee. If you like each other, get together again,” advised Mr. Schwartz. “If not, you don’t waste three hours and $90 on a total stranger who has a very loose interpretation of ‘Athletic and Toned’.”

“It was a good plan,” remembered Mr. Birnbaum, as he doodled a swastika on the sleeve of his hospital gown. “The coffee thing didn’t work once. Jewish girls are far too crafty and powerful. It’s like they were genetically engineered to only go out on Saturday nights. About half would order the lobster or some rare truffle found by pregnant pigs. Mostly, to prove they were worth the money.”

Mr. Birnbaum spent months dating Barbara Streisand look-alikes, learning the nuances of diamond clarity, and deconstructing why he’s not a doctor. When he did manage to get a word in, it was his salary. His bank account was depleted, he was fresh out of Matzo jokes, and his calm demeanor had cracked. “Why would she keep saying ‘milchik’ instead of ‘milk’? Why not just milk? Why?” he screamed.

An attendant ran in to inject Mr. Birnbaum with a mild sedative.

Things went from bad to worse. Mr. Birnbaum was fired from his job and lost touch with his friends. He just sat in his apartment listening to German Industrial band Rammstein with songs like “Gefilte Fist”, “Blintz-kreig” and “Kashrut of All Evil”. Inspired, Mr. Birnbaum joined an Aryan kickball league, pledged his life savings to Jerry Lewis’s Hezbollah-thon on Channel 9, and underwent foreskin reconstruction surgery.

Finally, his parents intervened and committed their son to a mental health facility. Doctors believe a full recovery is possible, as long as Mr. Birnbaum sticks to a steady diet of bagels and lox with low doses of French and Brazilian girls.

- by faktorial.com – where French and Brazilian girls go to meet eligible Jewish men

2007 Copyright of Faktorial.com. All Rights Reserved.

EXCLUSIVE: Bush to Send 20,000 Mexican Gardeners to Tame Iraq (Speech Transcript)

2007-01-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

Faktorial.com has obtained exclusive, advanced text of Wednesdays’s Presidential address, outlining the new Iraq strategy:

Good evening America and evil-doers. This is your President. President Bush. Today, I I want to address something that’s starting to bother me. Hemorrhoids. Karl said a joke to start would kill. (pause) America, the reason I have been seated here is if I stood, you'd see I have no pants. That's two, Karl. I'm killing. Another thing that's killing my Presidency is something I call Iraq. Iraq is a place. Some folks don’t think what we’re doing in Iraq is good. Some say it’s lacking in so-called success. Others call it a war. I disagree.

Former generals and funeral directors would have you believe things aren't savageable. It's not true. There are many strong signs that the people of Iraq are ready to leave the violence of the past behind and embrace the violence of the future. By hanging Saddam Hussein on YouTube, the people of Iraq are free. Free to elect any Ayatollah they want from brand new Diebold VoteBunker 4000’s. Freedom is never free. It is exactly $9 billion a month.

There's also progress helping the flatulating Iraqi army get up on their feet. Some of them cannot. They do not have feet, because of some insurgent folks over there. Still, the fire of hope burns bright in their eyes. It burns even brighter in what’s left of the Basra police station.

We cannot afford to lose. That is why I have gathered, in a room, with my most trusted advisors, Flavor Flav, Steven Seagal, and Billy from Melrose Place. I asked them all the tough questions. Together, we worked through the 7:00 o'clock Seinfeld re-run last Thursday, to craft a decisive recipe for Tiramisu. As you know, My Name is Earl does not start ‘til eight. That gave us precious time to develop a path to victory in Ir..a...n, which I will read off this napkin.

The first thing we must do is ease secretarian tensions. We’ll do so by giving Sunnis and Shiites cute, funny names like Spongebomber Squarepants and Tickle-me-Tikritin. Who would assassinate an Ayatollah Smurfi? A Terror-tubby? Not under America's watch!

Next, we will make it easier to work with the various fractions. We will give Iraqis simple, less scary names, like Indian call center workers. For example, Muktada al-Sadr will now be “Mike”. Grand Ayatollah Ali Ali al-Sistani will be “Stan”.

We will not pull our troops out of Iraq. Instead, I will pull all Iraqis out of Iraq and drop them into Darfur. That way, everyone we don’t plan to help is in one, convenient place.

Until this happens, we need to engorge our troop levels. These will not be Americans. I plan to send 20,000 Mexican gardeners and day laborers that Laura captured near our Texas ranch. This new force will patrol Baghdad in a ’75 Chevy El Camino.

We must also break the will of the insurgency. We’ll do this by weaponizing the music of Kevin Federline and Brooke Hogan. We’ve also placed velvet ropes and a snippy, transgenderal bouncer wherever we don’t want insurgents or ugly tourists wearing Scrunchies.

As a sign of goodwill to moderate Arabs. People like…hmmm…like the guy on Lost. I plan to shut down the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay. All campers will be transfered inside of my head. There, brown freedom haters can be held indefinitely and interrogated in complete isolation from world opinion.

If these Plan A initiatives fail, we have another plan that comes after A. It is on a separate napkin.

To conclude, I look forward to working with the Democratic majority, until those Russian reporters are done urinating into their water supply.

Finally, we must not let partisan defeatism blind us from the massive “Delusion Accomplished” banner behind me.

God bless America. Good night.

By faktorial.com – where incompetence and poor grammar have yet to lead to Presidency, or even a low-level cabinet position

COMMENTARY: Ethiopia HAS JETS!!!! JETS!!!!!

2006-12-27T16:36:00.000-05:00

Call me ignorant, but I just learned something AMAZING! ETHIOPIA HAS JETS!!! AND TANKS!!! Remember Ethiopia? It's been the punch-line of every poverty joke since Sally Struthers ingested her very first foreign aid convoy. Yes, the Ethiopia famous for images of starving children surrounded by flies, dysentery and Madonna - has just attacked Somalia with its JETS!!

Let's be clear about this, even relatively stable countries like South Africa, Zaire and Kenya have tons of problems like mass-corruption, oodles of AIDS, and Ivory poachers – good soap doesn’t make itself, kids. I digress. In their Starbucks tip jar of an economy, Ethiopia has found it in their budget to attack Somalia, the Bronze Medalist in the Malnutrition Olympics.

And guess what – the US is funding it. You see Somalia has an Islamist regime and Ethiopia has a Christian one. So this Christmas, we praise our Lord and give tanks. Of course, this could easily explode into a regional conflict, like our ticking towel bomb in the Middle East. Seems like it's just a matter of time before Spike Lee starts making sense. You know, about the white conspiracy.*

*Note: White people: Shhhh!! Remember what we discussed at The Meeting!

The one conspiracy I do see is that religion, once again, is wiping out enemies in the name of Mohamed or Jesus or Jah or Ja-Rule. Good! Until every hut and home can agree on a non-denominational holiday twig, I say, let the least crazy zealot win! I call this my Nimrod Upgrade Theory (N.U.T.), Release 1.0.7.

So what is my N.U.T. all about? Simply, it says that regimes with a selection of soft, quilted bathroom tissue should be supported over ones whose women are granted less peripheral vision than mules. Sure, Christian fundamentalists in the U.S. blow up an occasional abortion clinic. At least we have condoms, even flavored ones for the discerning palate. By comparison, many Islamic regimes stone rape victims - because it’s illegal to cheat on your husband. Neither is ideal, but one is clearly better. N.U.T. states that you support the least wacky combatant until a more sensible one comes along. Give it three to four thousand years and these faktorials will probably be written in Cantonese.

Back to Ethiopia versus Somalia. Neither has a Four Seasons resort, a selection of delicious Entenmann’s pastries or anyone as talented as Beyonce - she dances, she sings, she acts. However, Ethiopia more adequately reflects our good old-fashioned Christian values. So, arm them to the teeth and let them go at it. Tank vs. machete. F-16 vs. catapult.

This makes me nostalgic for the good old days of American foreign policy – and what we should have done in Iraq – arm the side we like most. When they screw up, arm their enemies. This whole thing just makes me want to spoon with Daniel Ortega and Ollie North.

By faktorial.com – where we only spoon in the name of liberty.

posted by Faktorial.com @ Wednesday, December 27, 2006 comments

(scroll down to see full NY Times story below)

Ethiopia Hits Somali Targets, Declaring War
By JEFFREY GETTLEMAN

Associated Press

The bodies of Islamist fighters, top, lay Sunday near Idaale, Somalia. Ethiopian warplanes struck deep inside Somalia territory, and tanks pushed farther into towns, in support of Somalia’s interim government.

ZANZIBAR, Tanzania, Dec. 24 — Ethiopia officially plunged into war with Somalia’s Islamist forces on Sunday, bombing targets inside Somalia and pushing ground troops deep into Somali territory in a major escalation that could turn Somalia’s internal crisis into a violent religious conflict that engulfs the entire Horn of Africa.

The coordinated assault was the first open admission by Ethiopia’s Christian-led government of its military operations inside Somalia, where — with tacit American support — it has been helping a weak interim government threatened by forces loyal to the Islamic clerics who control the longtime capital, Mogadishu, and much of the country.

Ethiopia’s prime minister, Meles Zenawi, said in a televised broadcast that he had ordered the action because he had no choice.

“Ethiopian defense forces were forced to enter into war to protect the sovereignty of the nation,” he said. “We are not trying to set up a government for Somalia, nor do we have an intention to meddle in Somalia’s internal affairs. We have only been forced by the circumstances.”

According to witnesses, Ethiopian fighter jets bombarded several towns, obliterating an Islamist recruitment center and other targets, while Ethiopian tanks rolled into battle. The attacks set off riots in Mogadishu, Somalia’s battle-scarred seaside capital, and fighting on several fronts in southern Somalia.

Ethiopia, which commands the region’s most powerful military, did not disclose how many troops, tanks or planes it had sent into Somalia, but the United Nations has said at least 8,000 Ethiopian soldiers may be in the country. Casualties were reported Sunday, but reliable estimates were impossible to ascertain.

Until now, Ethiopian officials had denied that they had any combat forces inside Somalia, saying instead that their involvement was limited to a few hundred military advisers.

Over the past few months, the Islamist clerics in Somalia have threatened Ethiopia for supporting their rivals, the internationally recognized transitional government.

On Saturday, after several days of heavy internal fighting, Islamist leaders announced that Somalia was now open to Muslim fighters around the world who wanted to wage a holy war against Ethiopia, a country with a long Christian history, even though it is about half Muslim.

“What did you expect us to do?” said Zemedkun Tekle, a spokesman for Ethiopia’s information ministry. “Wait for them to attack our cities?”

Even before Ethiopia’s escalation on Sunday, there were alarming signs that the conflict in Somalia could quickly spiral out of control. According to United Nations officials, at least 2,000 soldiers from Eritrea, which recently waged war with Ethiopia, are fighting for the Islamists. They have been joined by a growing number of Muslim mercenaries from Yemen, Egypt, Syria and Libya who want to turn Somalia into the third front of holy war, after Iraq and Afghanistan.

On Friday, residents of Mogadishu said they saw boatloads of armed men landing on the city’s rocky beaches. On Sunday, after the bombings, Islamist leaders boasted of bringing in more. Still, from the Ethiopian government’s viewpoint, the bombings may be delivering at least some of the desired effect.

For the first time since the Islamists came to power in Somalia in June and rapidly began expanding their reach, they seemed to be losing ground. In at least three places on Sunday — Idaale, Jawil and Bandiiradley — transitional government troops were pushing the Islamists back.

Residents of Beledweyne, near the Ethiopian border, said that after the Ethiopian jets pounded several armed pickup trucks belonging to the Islamists, the rest of the Islamist soldiers fled to the hills.

The bombs also destroyed a recruitment center and a fuel depot, killing at least 10 people, witnesses reported. Hours later, the transitional troops marched into the area, and a new mayor was installed.

Many of Beledweyne’s people seemed relieved, not so much about the change in government, but because the fighting appeared to have ended so fast.

“We’re so sick of war,” said Ahmed Issa, a shopkeeper in Beledweyne. “We’ll obey anybody.”

Much of Somalia has been mired in anarchy since 1991, when the central government collapsed, setting off a long, nasty interclan war. While the United Nations and donor countries struggled to get a new government on its feet, a grass-roots movement of Islamic courts began to gain power.

After Islamist leaders defeated the last of Mogadishu’s warlords, they immediately restored a sense of law and order unheard of in the capital for 15 years. Then they began pushing outward, eventually reaching the outskirts of Baidoa, the seat of the transitional government.

The transitional government has never been popular, and its military forces are divided between rival politicians, many of whom spend the majority of their time outside of Somalia. This summer, Ethiopia began slipping soldiers across the border to protect both the transitional government and Ethiopia itself.

The Islamists had threatened to liberate Somali-speaking areas of Ethiopia and stir up Ethiopia’s Muslim population.

American officials acknowledged that they tacitly supported Ethiopia’s approach because they felt it was the best way to check the growing power of the Islamists, whom American officials have accused of sheltering terrorists tied with Al Qaeda. A State Department spokesperson in Washington said Sunday that the United States was assessing reports of the surge in fighting in Somalia but provided no further comment.

A major question going forward seems to be whether Ethiopian forces will advance into Mogadishu and try to finish off the Islamist military, a possibility that many fear could spur a long and ugly insurgency, or simply deal the Islamists enough of a blow to force them back to negotiations with the transitional government.

The rival authorities in Somalia have flirted with the idea of sharing power, but several rounds of peace talks have produced little but broken promises.

In a hint of a possible direction to come, Ethiopia’s prime minister recently told American officials that he could wipe out the Islamists “ in one to two weeks.”

But many analysts fear that the presence of Ethiopian troops in Somalia will only make matters worse, because of the history of conflict between Ethiopians and Somalis. The two nations have battled over contested border areas before, and the difference of religions, with Somalia almost purely Muslim, has often been an aggravating factor.

On Sunday, as word began to spread that Ethiopian planes were bombing Somalia, students in Mogadishu rushed into the streets and began rioting. They kicked in doors and smashed plate glass windows, yelling at the few shopkeepers still open: “This is not time for business! This is time for war!”

The Islamists are using teenagers as their main fighting force. Last week, right after heavy combat began between the Islamist troops and the transitional government forces, Islamist leaders closed all schools in Mogadishu to funnel more young people into battle.

Witnesses in frontline areas have said that waves of young, poorly trained Islamist fighters have been mowed down by Ethiopian troops. Ethiopia’s military is trained by American advisers and is supplied with millions of dollars of American aid.

On Sunday, Abdulrahim Ali Modei, the Islamists’ information minister, conceded at a news conference that many of the Islamist troops had been killed, but he did not sound discouraged.

“These are victories,” he said. “Our soldiers are in paradise now.”

Yussuf Maxamuud and Mohammed Ibrahim contributed reporting from Mogadishu, Somalia.

Rove Returns as Hospitals Swell With Fallen Democrats

2006-12-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

Washington D.C. - Shortly after Democratic Senator Tim Johnson was hospitalized with stroke symptoms, the Washington Times has learned of a Republican plot codenamed “Election, Schmelection”. Borrowing a page from Vladimir Putin’s ‘30-Minute Last Meals’ cookbook, Republican strategist Karl Rove plans to poison his party back into power. Rove operatives have secured massive amounts of Pelosium-215, a highly unstable, radioactive isotope that causes erratic behavior, indecisiveness, and eventual self-destruction.

After the failure of pre-election tactics such as re-paving roads in black voting districts to lead directly into the sea and rigging voting machines to launch Hispanics into space, Karl Rove needed a break. After basking in the warmth of a red sun and feasting on pounds of black-market stem cells, Mr. Rove returned with VENGNCE on his mind – and on his new license plate. While on his way to make empty promises to evangelicals, Mr. Rove coyly told a reporter, “It’s only a majority, if they live.”

When told of the plot, Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer was not surprised. “We know what they’re capable of. We just have to be ready,” he acknowledged. “Today alone, Bill Frist sent me gift subscriptions to both the Butter of the Month Club and the Isotope of the Month Club.”

Other Democratic Congressmen and Senators have received gifts ranging from anthrax cupcakes to arsenic-flavored popcorn to Gillette Hep-C razors. Rep. Barney Frank got a brand new Canon digital camera - packaged with a scantily clad infant and a free memory card.

Democrats remain defiant, no matter how fluorescent their urine. Many have begun aggressive workout regimens. Some have hired food tasters or look-alikes. Even celebrities have offered to help. For example, both Helen Mirren and Harvey Fierstein plan to stand in for Hillary Clinton on select occasions.

Because Republican governors can choose replacements for dead Democrats, the Democrats have several Doomsday options, should some of them be killed successfully:

The first is a “Weekend at Bernie’s” option, where the dead politician is propped up as if he were alive and carried around by two panicky college boys, creating many opportunities for humor and hi-jinx.
A second plan, code named “Hannibal”, involves a junior-level Democrat wearing the skin of the deceased politician and living out the duration of his term. This technique has been in beta-testing since Dan Quayle first donned George W. Bush’s skin seven years ago.
“Dawn of the Living Dead Senator” is the absolute last resort. A dying Democrat is bitten by a radioactive monkey and wanders, grunting, through Capital Hill with an insatiable hunger for human flesh and pro-cannibal legislation.

While authorities are monitoring the situation, few believe that a rejuvenated Rove can be stopped. One Democratic Congressman privately admitted, “If we get through this with one or two casualties, some patchy hair loss, and a few ‘Obama bin Laden’ posters, we’ll consider ourselves lucky.”

By faktorial.com – one of the world’s top suppliers of radioactive isotopes for both commercial and recreational use.

COMMENTARY: Some Call Him Messiah; I Call Him Jimmy

2006-12-08T14:26:00.000-05:00

The messiah has arrived and he’s not wearing purple nipple clamps and cellophane, as traditionally depicted at my Church of the Chubby Sadist. No this man’s name is not Jesus (HAY-soos) or Moshiach (moe-she-ACCCHHHKKP), it’s James A. Baker, or as I like to call him, Jimmy. No, Jimmy can’t turn water into wine or chickpeas into delicious, but un-greasy fritters. What Jimmy did do is propose how to get us out of Iraq before any more of our troops have to suffer through another Kathie Griffin USO tour.

Don’t let the brittle hips and delicate bouquet of formaldehyde fool you, Jimmy’s no Rumsfeld. Jimmy’s a pragmatist. And, he knows when to come out of his coffin. A lot of people have turned to me to find out what to think of the Iraq Study Group report. Like a chimpanzee prodded for advice on banana farming, I’m all-too happy to throw some indiscriminant pooh your way.

First, a little history. Remember the Gulf War in the early 90’s? You know, the one that didn’t list Atlantis, Pompeii and Nutmeg as coalition partners? That was when Jimmy, Brent Scowcroft and Papa Bush, decided NOT to go into Baghdad. They realized that a weakened, secular Hussein offsetting a wacky Iran was better than delusional fantasies of free oil, an infectious plague of Arabian democracy, and a limitless bounty of thickly-mustached Iraqi broads. In other words, they knew what Bush Jr. did not: that “nuclear” has only one “u” in it. And, that occupation would bury us in a tsunami of our own excrement. Finally, Americans reached for the Charmin and voted in a bunch of Democrats. …Whoopee Goldberg!! Let’s face it, you’re likelier to find a unicorn playing Sudoku than a Democrat with a real plan.

So the world turned to Jimmy to say to Bush Jr. what Sr. can’t – that he was aborted and lived. Jimmy’s a good student. Gets his work in on time…OK it took nine months to get the report, but you should see the formatting! The cover alone took Leroy Neiman 12 weeks. Call me naïve, but I believe Jimmy did his best. Yes, it is a little scary leaning on senior citizens to save our future. Usually, when your fortunes are riding on a guy this old, you’re a dim-witted, pontoon-chested, ex-Playmate double-fisting prescription meds to get you through another wrinkly bl*wjob.

So what do I think?

Well, short of inventing a time machine to clamp Barbara B's fillopians before Papa Bush slips one past the goalie, I think Jimmy did a decent job. At least it’s a plan!! It’s the first one we’ve seen – from either Republican’ts OR Democritics. Sure, there are some controversial points. I kind of like the idea of negotiating with Iran and Syria and removing them from the “Axis of Evil” list (to be replaced by Dr. Doom, Green Goblin and rectal itch).

Without a strong army, Iraq is like a hogtied page on Mark Foley’s desk – helpless, scared and lubricated for invasion. Iraq’s army will never be as strong under a slacker occupying force as it was under Hussein. The most we can do is equip their army as best we can and get out. It’s like preparing recommendations for your boss. You know the stubborn prick’s going to do what he wants anyway, so why pull an all-nighter?

Smartly, Jimmy avoided grand visions of democracy and essentially created a phased withdrawal plan, which he knew was all the public and the Pelosi Congress could digest. The most subversive part of Jimmy’s recommendations is this – he knows Syria and Iran are more interested in a stable Iraq than we are. (Imagine if we bordered an unstable country with a corrupt political system whose citizens kept crossing our borders indiscriminately for refuge.) Once they see our soldiers pulling out, they’ll all get their towels in a bunch, running to the negotiating table to carve up Iraq and it’s oil profits like a Thanksgiving turkey, or a hypothetical houseguest at OJ’s, if he hypothetically had houseguests.

Unless something better comes along quick, I say let's thank Jimmy for his service and go with this plan. Regardless how this ends, the real winners here are senior citizens. I've learned that old people are good for more than just driving into crowds, playing dominoes and eating Meow Mix. They can save a nation!

By faktorial.com – where senior citizens go when it’s time to stop drooling and time to start saving democracy.

Remorseful ‘Kramer’ Vows to Reverse Slavery, Apartheid and Moesha

2006-11-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles - After his shocking, racist tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, Michael Richards has vowed to make things right. After awkward apologies to black leaders like Jesse Jackson, Gloria Allred, and Tiki Barber, Richards announced plans to travel back in time to “end every scourge that has ever plagued Afro-Americans including slavery, apartheid, and occasionally ashy skin.” Facing thinly-veiled threats against his wealth, like Al Sharpton wearing a suit made entirely out of Richards’s old W-2 forms, the comedian chose humanitarian time travel instead.

Shortly after finishing the last leg of his apology tour at LeVar Burton’s house, Richards boarded a small, Nintendo-built time craft called the “Woo”. Although PC Magazine complained about the Woo’s “poor user interface” and “cheap wireless controller”, Richards believed it was good enough to get him to Africa circa 1619 AD. Nintendo stepped in to build the craft after Richards was robbed of $4.7 million in cash, as he waited in line to buy Sony’s new TM3, a Blu-Ray equipped time machine.

While it is unclear what impact Richards efforts will yield, Stanford anthropologist Alice Tang believes she has discovered several etchings in Nigeria of what appear to be a gangly, white man being boiled. Sir Lernsalot, a famed British historian, found journals from English slave traders referring to a “Hipster Doofus slave dealer” living in Nigeria. One slave trader’s journal-entry read, “Wow, is this guy racist!” He later wrote, “What’s a ‘spik’?” Despite the revolutionary implications of these discoveries, neither President Oprah nor Vice President Tyra Banks could be reached for comment.

Even without conclusive evidence of Richard’s guilt-ridden efforts, many believe the country now faces a free speech crisis. Alex Tankian, a Harvard linguistics professor, warns, “Demands by black leaders to end the use of the n-word leads us down a slippery slope until the only ones left with the right to say n**ger are a bunch of racist m***er-f***ing, c**k-s**kers like the KKK or some tunnel bunny c**t you pay 50 bucks to s**t on you and call you a ‘dirty, m*****-******, c***-s***** little b****’ while she $%^^&^$&@$* you in a plastic bag.”

By faktorial.com – where we take solace in knowing we still have Elaine

Six Dead in Rumsfeld’s First Week as Girl Scout Leader

2006-11-15T12:47:00.000-05:00

Washington D.C. - What began as a street fair to raise money and awareness for Girl Scouts, ended in mayhem and tragedy. Six scouts died and dozens were trampled by a hostile, hungry mob. The girls had run out of cookies. Unfazed by the absence of additional vendors, Donald Rumsfeld saw no reason to postpone his inaugural event as the group’s new President. The 74-year old Rumsfeld, who was fired as Defense Secretary for making Saddam Hussein look brilliant, recently jumped at the chance to practice his innovative, tactical strategies on pliable, pre-pubescent girls.

Anne Kirkland, who attended the fair with her daughter Ashley, knew immediately something was amiss. "I’ve been to over twenty of these. You normally see the same crafts and clothing vendors and tons of food stands. You know, the big-breasted Italian sausage guy, the scruffy Middle Eastern guy with dirty fingernails juicing pineapples, and that Vietnamese couple serving brown skewers of something that could catch a Frisbee. This time, all I saw was ten girls selling cookies.”

“Just before the awning collapsed, I remember an obese woman pounding on the counter, yelling for Macaroons,” sobbed Mrs. Kirkland. “One of the girls peed in her uniform. That’s like four demerits. By the time the Mallomars ran out, the place looked like Fallujah.”

At a press conference this morning, Mr. Rumsfeld deflected criticism of the event. "I wouldn't have changed a thing. Sure, I expected to find BLT’s. My intelligence experts insisted there’d be BLT’s, KFC’s, PB&J’s, and BBQ’s, but there weren’t.” He added, “This is war, people. You go in with the cookies you have, not the cookies you want.”

Mr. Rumsfeld also outlined his plan to “reduce dependence on foreign pastries and develop a smaller, swifter force that can handle hostile snacking environments with minimal pedocide." He emphasized, “We can’t have a bunch of weak, lily-livered, cookie mongers piss and run at the first sign of anarchy, like little girls or Democrats.”

To realize his vision, Mr. Rumsfeld announced partnerships with Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Barbados, who agreed to provide moral support and five scouts each, to help stabilize the next street fair. Boris Sagdiyev, Kazakhstan’s Minister of Education noted, “We are very proud to help glorious nation of Girl Scout. We insure Lord Rumsfield that despite their mustaches, pregnant belly, and lumpy vagines, scouts from Kazakhstan is definitely girls. High five! “ Mr. Sagdiyev added, “We very much excite to teach American girl to shoot dog, pull plow, and make traditional meal of ferment gypsy livers with onion and goat testes. Great success!”

by faktorial.com – where Macaroons and goat testes coexist in peace and harmony

Planet of the Steaks, November 2062

2006-10-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

What began as an effort to comfort and pamper livestock before slaughter, has led to an epic battle for animal civil rights. Moolcolm X, the rebellious organizer of last week’s Million Cow Munch, a defiant grazing event in Woodstock New York, has demanded an end to all animal consumption and teat-pulling.

Seeds of the animal liberation movement were planted in late 2006 when farmers began building spas, hoof salons, and dance studios for their cows, pigs, and goats. Some chickens even received grief counseling after their eggs were taken away. At first, the programs helped guilty carnivores feel good about themselves and their $75 porterhouse. Consumers even paid hefty premiums for meat that died with comprehensive dental benefits, a 401K plan, and a shared passion for Desperate Housewives and CSI: Miami.

Difficulties surfaced around 2020, when some farm animals developed stubborn preferences. Sloppy pigs would only watch the NFL or Home Shopping Network. Lazy cows refused to be milked until they saw an entire Rachel Ray Show. Strangely, goats were mesmerized by Al Jazeera. Many would chew through their ropes and ram their horns through the TV whenever they saw Jews. Hundreds of anti-Semitic goats died this way until farmers agreed to let them wear their beards long, observe Ramadan, and wear burkas in their ID photos.

Soon farm animals began to acquire basic speech and critical thinking patterns not unlike those of Born-Again Kansasonians. In 2035, after earning his Grade Equivalency Degree, Sir Loin became England’s first non-human to be knighted since Keith Richards.

Sir Loin’s achievements inspired and emboldened animals around the world. Bovine everywhere demanded education and jobs that did not begin with their teats and end with Worcestershire sauce. Under legal pressure from PETA and the ACLU, Sir Loin became the first buffalo to compete on ‘F**king with the Stars’, a FOX reality series. (In an emotional finale, Sir Loin was soundly out-f**ked by Cody Lee-Gifford and lost.)

Animal achievements extended to all species. In 2047, Flipper Finkelstein, an Orthodox dolphin, was credited with restructuring Best Buy’s lackluster customer service division. His accomplishment was somewhat tarnished when the company took an $8B loss on electronics damaged when several stores were filled with water to accommodate new, amphibious sales reps.

Not all animals have excelled. Chickens still prefer to spend their days walking into walls and defecating on each other. Experts predict that their defiant clucks will ultimately doom humanity to a life of tofu consumption. While tofu is not generally believed to crave independence, scientists are studying the matter.

Fearing reprisals from his flock, one Nebraska farmer ruminated anonymously on the controversy, “Over thousands of years, we were hunters who won the right to eat anything we wanted. Now, we’ve squandered our evolutionary victory. I’m going to scream if I see another cockroach with a picket sign!”

Ming Tso, a Chinese farmer had a much different perspective, “We invite our most educated animals over for drinks and passionate debate. Then, we kill and eat them down to the eyeballs. Over rice.”

by faktorial.com – where there’s nothing we wouldn’t barbecue. nothing.

From the New York Times:

Meat Labels Hope to Lure the Sensitive Carnivore

Madonna, Jolie Busted in ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ Plot

2006-10-20T16:34:00.000-04:00

Suspicious of the sudden outbreak of wealthy, white celebrities adopting poor children from the Third World, police set up a sting operation. Their worst fears were confirmed by Kwaze “David” Banda, a three-foot tall, Malawi detective, who posed as an adorable, muscular orphan. Banda secretly recorded a cockney-accented Madonna Ciccone, his adoptive-Diva-to-be, scheming to train Banda to battle Mia Farrow’s Third World Order (T.W.O.), the world’s deadliest band of orphans. For over a decade, Farrow’s T.W.O. has dominated the lethal and secretive ‘Adopted Celebrity Deathmatch’ tournament. Instead of lawyers, cowardly Hollywood Caucasians used orphan combat to settle scores the way gangsta rappers, strippers, and Sean Penn have done since Molly Ringwald was pretty in p...was pretty.

After a week of surveillance, LA police were led to a secluded battleground etched into the Beverly Hills backyard of Stephen Spielberg. A police helicopter spied Spielberg’s adopted children Theo and Mikaela sword fighting with Jet Li and Sammo Hung Fat. The ex-orphans were apparently training to fight Zahara Jolie Pitt, who, despite her tender age of two, has already decapitated several adopted celebrities including Al Roker’s daughter, Aureo, and several interns at Paramount. (Deathmatch rules are based on the movie Highlander, in which immortals battle for supremacy and beheading is the sole means of victory. Police found the movie’s slogan, “There Can Be Only One” tattooed above Zahara Jolie Pitt’s’s buttocks.)

On the eve of the battle, Police raided Spielberg’s home, arresting countless celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Nicole Ritchie's skeleton. However, Farrow and her fearsome orphans escaped. Farrow’s ex-husband Woody Allen later commented, “I hope someone finally stops her evil. I have a very low threshold of death. I grew up in Brooklyn, where nobody killed their adopted kids. They were too unhappy – to kill or to adopt. That’s why I daringly rescued Sun Yi from Mia’s Dojo of Death. Actually, I had Tony Roberts and Diane Keaton do it. Ripping out nipples and bladders is no life for a 12 year old girl. Certainly not for a Jew.” Allen elaborated on his marriage to Farrow’s adoptive daughter, “We never intended to fall in love. That only happened while we hid deep in the hills of the Upper West Side. The whole situation almost made me neurotic.”

Although he may have ended several Hollywood careers, Kwaze Banda has also suffered. The pint-sized cop – and real-life orphan, developed an attachment to Madonna, who was the only mother he had ever known. He still smiles as he recalls how she would tickle his belly while he breastfed. “I hope she reconsiders and still goes through with the adoption,” admitted the 28 year old detective. “The way I see it, I can either spend the rest of my life eating government rice and dodging AIDS, or I can spend my nights drinking Cristal and getting fellatio from supermodels at Bungalow 8. Which would you choose?“

In a related note, Brad Pitt, who was arrested in the raid, was later released for having no knowledge. Hours after his release, the disoriented Pitt was found wandering West Los Angeles looking for a script to tell him how to get home.

by faktorial.com – the last bastion of hope for surplus Asian and African orphans