......[o_o]......

chapter un-numbered, unfinished

2008-03-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

[march.14.2008.6:10am]

"to have a craving, appetite or great desire for."
-poetry.com

it weighed heavy on my mind, brought me physical discomfort. it was the cause to my fidgeting; the double shots of expressos I drank didn't ease my agitation.

attention flocked to it by the masses. those who I rarely spoke to soon found themselves finding meaningless lures to engage in conversation with me. I took their bait. gave them the chance to remind me once more of the reality I've foolishly mistaken for as pure fantasy. co-workers from other departments somehow made her or his way to the floor I worked on. they'd pass me by looking at the papers hidden in their manila folders, pretending to be reading so intently, reading as if the truth they wrote for me was written on the surface.

the stares from the drama thirsty hyenas I worked with and the silent disapproval of the lions I worked for burned the white hot existence of the mistakes I made which resulted in me feeling like a wounded gazelle. my fall from grace had spilled into my professional life and this is when I recognized that lust had me in a chokehold.

I made my runs to the copy machine and I didn't have to force the urgency; my Starbucks intake was more than my usual so I displayed more than a little pep in my step. good thing I was known for my efficientcy at work so the extra speed I displayed in my gait seemed as if I was concerned with the productivity of the company.

I whisked by my acquaintance Olivia's office. she was a woman whom I had grown secure enough with to engage in dialouge that consisted of more than what was bred in our workplace. her door was open and as I rounded the corner, my peripheral vision found her filing her nails as she always did, waiting for me to come by. I had no intentions on stopping to lend her my company; the fact that I mistook her keen ear for safety two years ago allowed me to realize one of my very first mistakes made on my laundry list I had full of them.

my feet pounded on the office's thin carpeting and the soles of my flats began to level with the floor. I soon reached the office door that belonged to me, I opened it and returned the heavy slab of hardwood into the framework of the doorway.

the leather seat embraced my five foot eight frame, molded me in its welcoming comfort. the cool sensation of cold leather never failed to soothe me until now. the chair I adored so much neglected to fondle the skin of the back of my knees. I exhaled as I remembered this chair was a gift from him.

thinking of him, reminding myself of his existence, brought me to relive sins stained on the surface of my desk as well as the sins that lived in the very leather of this seat, sins that were birthed even before the chair was ingeniously moved to live in my office. hell, I couldn't bring it home. it would've struck out as a sign. a large, black, leather sign; a breadcrumb in the trail to my gingerbread house.

it was a gift I told myself; the truth then told me that it was more accurately described as a trophy.

my mind was doing sprints, hurdles and long jumps as I began to watch the sleek phone that rested on the corner of my desk.

I needed to dial.

what would I say? would the expresso betray me into speeding up my confessions, the many I sleep with while next to him?

I didn't trust myself at that moment to be sharp, cunning, sly to lightly converse undetected while I prodded for any signs of new intelligence he might've gained. I still wanted to be predator yet I succumbed to be prey simultaneously; subjected myself to be prey to a wolf dressed in designer wolves clothing.

still, I needed to dial.

my gaze became glossed over and absentmindedly, my index finger and thumb looped around my source of stress, the well of my anxiety and the burden I reluctantly wore. I wanted to melt my fallacious being into the fiber of the seat. closing my eyes proved calming as I sat simulating my demise of lies, hearing myself admit actions that only are kept preserved in the darkness in which they were committed to being brought to manifest.

the shriek of the phone's ringing brought my chest muscles to tighten and my heart rate sped. instantly, my arm pits watered. regretfully, my vagina tingled. I outstretched my arm to lift the phone out of its cradle.

the shrieking stopped.

the grip I held to the phone was loose; I left slack to drop it from my ear if need be. I didn't greet the caller with salutations, nor did I ask who was on the other end. I didn't have to. the silence seeping through the speaker told me the identity of the dialer. the low undertones of his accented softspoken voice swarm into my eardrum and ensnared my weakness for the silk they spun.

I remained still, inhaling and exhaling controlled breaths. he'd have to begin before I could speak. having to force myself to talk with him strictly professionally over the phone was now very afflicting for this is how I failed to not fall in love with him.

this has been an excerpt from my genious.
Copyright © 2008 Char'Nae James

miss serpentine

2008-03-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

[march.13.2008.8:08pm]

"...the Serpent is chillingly lucid."
suzanne white

she effortlessly lies to fuel my fantasy; she silently slithers alongside my insecurities. she coils around secretcy to bring me comfort; she strikes to lay venemous kisses on my lips. my love for her is the field in which her underbelly glosses over; she never roots in my long blades of grass to lay her eggs. she's cold in her core and callused with scales. my fervent infatuation with her brings my blood to a boil; she melts all had will power to mute my ears to her hiss.

I love her yet she doesn't love me. not in the way I want her to, in the way I need her to. she isn't attached to me, but I'm rooted in her. the trance she seduces me into allows me to believe she's one hundred percent:
one hundred percent faithful.
one hundred percent truthful.
one hundred percent loyal.
one hundred percent interested.
one hundred percent my own,
but my heartache tells me I don't have her entirely, yet when she's in my grasp, I'm convinced heartache has told me lies.

I know the liar is the one who I've allowed to spiral around my senses, constricting my consciousness, poisoning my philosophy.

she suffers from her undying lust for the chase; she victimizes herself through stalking and seducing her unexpecting victims. she swallows men whole as she has swallowed me. ironic how she never savors the flavor of hearts long enough to taste them.

I suppose she couldn't help the alignments the celestial skies were in on the day she was born; she can't help this no more than I can help to love her.

miss serpentine she is.

this has been an exerpt from my genius.
Copyright © 2008 Char'Nae James

girls and dolls

2008-03-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

[march.12.2008.5:53pm]

"welcome to the dollhouse"
-danity kane

dolls were made, in my opinion, as tangible objects for the young developing mind[s] of the female gender to conform to her role in society.

you know, the role of domestication; rubbish if you ask me. rubbish due to part of my feminism and part common sense.

but,
I remember my first doll...

I was eight. she was a "Kenya" doll. I doubt was even made in the country of Kenya, but I loved her. she was equipped with the faux kente cloth. the long and thick synthetic hair; she had brown skin like mine and the cutest golden slippers were painted onto her feet.

I can't recall naming her; at the time, I wasn't clever enough to select a suiting name. she was a gift of some sort from my aunt geneva and I cared for her. my sister who is three years my senior had one as well. her "kenya" doll was light skinned like she was and everything of the sort.

my sister and I were bathing partners. bathing together proved to be less time consuming for my aunt and the fun factor was doubled. we'd both bring our "kenya" dolls to bathtime yet at the time, I didn't understand that her functionability was limited: she wasn't suited for water activities.

when I dunked her under water, her eye lashes would be seen floating in the water here and there
and gradually, she'd have less and less lashes. her kente cloth wasn't removable so I'd have to do some major towel drying to soak the water out of her get up. the most tedious consequence for putting her in the tub [and even washing her up with soap most times] was having to deal with her thick hair that took more days than one to dry [until I got smooth and began to sneak my aunt's blowdryer to dry her weave out].

most of my memorable good times began with her. she guided my juvenile belief in female domestication blah blah blah.

she slept with me and swung by my side for I always held her hand: for our security. I consulted with her about what cereal to eat for breakfast, trusted her judgement about whether or not allowing my female cousins to play with her was a good idea or not and respected her taste in "men" very highly and regarded her morals when she and I decided that she "needed" a Ken doll in her life.

and this transitions me into my message at hand:

women who can relate to this relationship that's made between girl and doll know the strength of the connection she individually had with her physical manifestation of her pure conscious.

these dolls, these miniature representations of women distorted to appear as mature-looking life-like infants and most times toddler-sized daughters were an extention of our girlhood in its purest existence. this is applicable to the girl who had that cabbage patch kid, or that feminine carebear, or baby tumbling surprise, the "kenya" doll, the female teddy bear or even that emaciated stick figure barbie and her friends.

when did we lose sight of the doll in us all?? that innocent yet youthfully honest inner being of self?? did we not feel secure with our first experience of trusting ourselves??

when we stopped consulting with her about something as simple as which cereal to devour, we slipped and lost sight of how we need to lean on her judgement to guide us in choosing not perfect mates, but those that weren't "settle deeds", you know, those men children we settled for, the ones we subjected our inner dolls to be played with like the lastest new hotwheel model, only to be traded with the low value of a few pokémon cards...

let's close our hands around her small hand and clamp tight to the future of our emotional sanity; let's respect her judgement when it comes to who "plays" with her and most importantly, let's recognize that we women have options yet, we don't have to exercise any and all options; we have the power to choose yet, we have the ability to be chosen.

so unless you've never had a doll, or yours is one of chucky's brides, let's travel back to our girlhood, let's reach into the rooms of the dollhouse to rescue, nurture and protect our dolls.

the rare narrative:

2008-03-06T19:40:00.002-08:00

[march.6.2008.6:47pm]

i'm being loved while in love with a man who to live without would be pain i doubt i'm strong enough to endure and rarely do i ill-measure my strength.

he and i struggle to love one another. in the manner in which i express my feelings for him, the words i choose to convey how he feels about me, one would be misled to believe that love between he and i remains smooth peaches and cream.

yet it's anything but...

through all the lies spun from my tongue that i become selfish and childish enough to give him as truth, he continually offers me the chance to confront my demons. he and i see the truth as it is through the same pair of eyes; he loves me to the ultimate level to check me when i'm too much of a coward to do so myself.

Michael feeds my soul, nurtures my body and stimulates my psyche. he loves me in my entirety in quantities i can't fathom to comprehend. as i've always sought to be loved, regarded, cherished, he does so. he acknowledges my strength and holds me at his highest respect; in the same company of the two other great people that matter to him most: his father and son.

there's no doubt in my mind that he is my one and that i'm his forever. this relationship hasn't been soon come found. i've loved him since I was fifteen, since the day i told him during a time i recall as the Dark Ages. he's truly my hero. he saved me from an emotional death i was suffering from and little did i know then, i did the same for him simultaneously.

i need him. i honestly know that i do. he isn't disposable; he's a necessity. life for me without him would be a shell with no pearl hidden inside to shine.
don't mistake this for me being a needy woman lustfully attracted to a dog who doesn't deserve her efforts, time and emotional validation...

he's earned every ounce of myself i wake up each day to present to him.

yet, he drives me in-fucking-sane!

were so alike that it's dangerous for us to be on the outs with one another.

he's such an asshole. demanding. cynical. cautious. observant. watchful. passionate. protective. egotistical. insensitive. aloof. thoughtful. pragmatic. wise. wise. very wise. combative. pushy. needy. strong. incredibly strong. loving. loyal. curious.

he sometimes acts as if he's gone through life for me for he's always there to correct my wrongs before i step out of rationality to make them. he pushes me to my limit and yet when he does, i set that bar much higher, just for him.

ironically, we balance one another out.

[i use ironically because were the saaame sign: aquarius. birthdays are fourteen years and a week apart...smh]

in his heart's mind, no one could ever love him for who he is when he's not being charming, humorous, lovable, smooth, well-versed; then i came into his life.

i know for a fact he's the best shit on earth since take-home pregnancy tests.

loving him allows me to realize how God continues loves us faulty human beings unconditionally.

death for the compromise

2008-02-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

[february.6.2008.4:21pm]

wipe me from the floor
for my person has spilled
from the voids corroding
through the flesh of my
souls flask.

wipe my essence from
seeping into the ridges
of your nonchalant
attitudes woman hand
woven carpeting.

wipe my cores tears
that stream across the
windshield of my eyes in
sodden melancholy lines
that bear the bittersweet
taste of my pain sweetened
so sourly.

wipe me from the floor
for my existence has
been splattered through
the division of shards of
time being shattered.

wipe me from dying in
the silent death that
compromising relentlessly
provided.

possibly unamed

2008-02-06T15:24:00.001-08:00

[february.6.2008.3:17pm]

curiosity dwells in my
youths lack of experience;
my soul isn't content with
empty fulfilllment of the
constant attempts of
manifesting possibilities
that only result in the
"what if."

my mind will invariably
vacation to those cerebral
excavations to uncover your
past existence now only
existing in my psyches power
of retaining and recalling
our past experience[s].

in the creases of my past
you'll remain unheard unseen;
embedded in the silk thread
of my memorys knitted seams,
forever remaining parallel to
my present.

the soul exchange

2008-02-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

[february.5.2008.6:26pm]

legs disunite to expose
the vacancy that rests
on the surface of my
pages soft folds.

my script openly displays
itself;
sensually it offers your
pen to glide along the
lines that serve as guides
if any trace of misdirection
finds your firm strokes
for your steady hand delivers
thrusts of your papermate
to mate with my seams
in their margins.

ink brings my
melodic melody to
articulate themselves into
stanzas that soon come seen
manifest into metaphorical
expressions that slither from
my lips appreciation.

my pages become stained
with your pens volatile verbs,
verbs that explicitly exhibit
how soiled your vision is as to
how our playwright will be
written to its end.

our different styles of
approaching poetry poetically
marinate in the others
literary fluidity.

on the tombstone of our
shared precaution,
our poem becomes engraved.

for this isnt sex;
welcome to the soul exchange.

verseless songbird

2008-02-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

[february.4.2008.9:16pm]

silence coils itself
around the cassette tape;
a cassette tape of still
music spilling loudly into
the gaze his eyes so firmly
plants on my physical existence.

his lips never part to
give a voice of curiosity
permission to feed into
the caution that serves
as a barrier between him
and my souls sanity.

his stares are stand
ins for his tied tongue;
his eyes speak words
uncertainty limits the
snake of his mouth to hiss.

versesless this songbird
seems.

i long to hear his melodic
melody comforting all had
suspicions of his mild mannered
silent speech in the pillows
of ethereal dreams.

who am i

2008-02-04T21:02:00.001-08:00

[february.4.2008.9:04pm]

to love??
to be loved??

a right of this
i have not,
yet i strain through
thee fray of what
should be only to
be wildly occupied
with thee what could be.

to have found my
soulmate at thee
transition of dark
to light seems to
have been lost in
thee shadows i so
need to flirt with while
naked.

his fingerprints
arent stains i long
to cleanse from my
souls core;
theyre proof of love
that existed in a
time not convenient.

i can only imagine
thee flutter of his eyes
as they walk across
whats here written
and i can only pretend
i can feel what emotions
these words evoke within
him.

smiles fuck my lips
into displaying,
expressing how
what we will share,
but will never develop
really transcends to
my soul.

ive let go,
yet my grasp hasnt
let loose.

what is said to
be right is what
weve decided to
place actions to.

for if things fall
apart,
he may be thee
better situation to
fall in place.

if not,
from my heart,
mind,
vagina,
hell never be erased.

exit i am to a
place my love and
i used to be in hopes
of creating that mystic
shit he and i founded.

love, love

her

2008-01-29T16:13:00.000-08:00

[january.28.2008.11:25pm]

"...she was a dark skinned girl with pretty cornrows,
she was doing her best to try and hide that scar..."
-raphael saadiq

i want her to have what i have found;
to be courageous enough to disarm the
arsenol that guards her heart;
for her to trust in love as i know it;
as it is to be made and kept.

i want to replace her heartache;
replace it with fulfillment of self;
want to erase the pain from her aways;
for love to allow her to
choose joy in her speech.

i want her to look in the
mirror and see the person i see;
wish she were good at mathematics
because then shed know the
true value of her self worth,
her net worth weighed in love;
i want her to smile like she means it;
for her to know the faux ones hurt most.

i want her to free her heart of doubt;
secure her mind in a love to be not sought after,
but found;
for her to never give him the authority
to dictate who, when, how,
why she loves the way she will;
i want her to give contentment
permission to live within.

i want her to know i admire her more ways than one;
in ways she thinks light of;
for her to never feel as though the next time is doomed;
i want her to potentially soon believe in bride and groom,
but only when my wants for her becomes her necessities...

because i can want all i want for her,
but only juhlisa can want the need to set
herself free when need be.

words unheard

2008-01-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

[january.24.2008.2:25pm]

silence forces its
way down a throat
that struggles to
unscramble words
too afraid to be
spoken out of a
mouth that allows
uncertainty to
discourage two
tremblings lips to
part and give way to
a voice of a child
left unheard...

eyes forever holding
contact with the floor,
eyes thatre forever
finding security in
crying exclusively in
the places that light
cant touch...

nicole

2008-01-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

[january.24.2008.2:15pm]

"memories on corners with the..."
-common

she offered her
slabs of concrete
to us as our
territory,
slabs of concrete
that rose with
the earth;
sloped with our
fearless thrill
seeking children
bravery.

the gas station
marked her beginning,
the corner store
signaled her end;
everything in
between we pissed,
spat and stomped on.

nicole didnt have
a pool for us to
frolick in,
but the hydrant up
top was all ours...

even when the
fire department
came to place
claims on water
that didnt belong
to them either.

nicole made it
so that having
a dollar a day
equated to being
wealthy at our
naive age.

she didnt require
parent supervision
as most city parks
displayed signs of.

the limp metal
fences that
enclosed yards
of balding earth
were zoo cages;
every other
yard wed see
an assortment
of canines;
our rottweiler
never failed to
bark at these
often vicious beasts.

nicole watched over
our lives when our
carelessness grew
to be victorious
of our caution that
never existed.

she molded herself
into every landscape
that our young minds
envisioned.

her street lamps
didnt act as warnings
telling us to return
home;
wed just subtract
more distance between
us and the porch.

her empty hallways
tickled our voices
into echoes that most
times shoulve been
whispers.

nicoles apple
trees were often
fruitless
year round,
but fruitful
became of our
laughter as
we fought,
cursed and didnt
give a fuck as did
our parents and
older siblings
cared a fuck
less about us.

mother

2008-01-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

emotionally raped of my innocence;
mentally fucked for my sanity;
unjustly kidnapped of my childhood;
physically disregarded and abandoned.

your hugs are strangers to me;
soft soothing words are unheard.

youre responsible for the child i
never was given the chance to become,
responsible for the fetus that rests
in my psyches womb,
lying unloved as a stillborn.

i learned to use lies
as self preservation...

[to be continued]

2008-01-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

[january.23.2008.4:32pm]

sultry syllables and
vulgar vowels slip
from in between my
lips as youre seeking
refuge of yourself
deeply in the wet
walls of solace that
is provided from my
slit and there,
my lips tightly wrap
themselves around the
surface of a softness
of a skin thats
displayed as the
physical manifestation
of an erect adrenaline rush,
but rush you do not
as you taunt time to
be stretched as i am
becoming and coming
i came in result and
your soon come orgasm
depicts you as drowning
while your manhood
goes limp.

we bathed

2008-01-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

[january.23.2008.4:05pm]

your scent soaks
into my skin;
my tongue tip
toes across my
canvas,
savoring the
taste you bear.

on im turning as
flames of candles
are licking their
heat on the balls
of my heels.

my limp body
allows you to
cradle me in between
your legs;
the nape of my
neck touching so
lustfully against
your loins.

your questions
begin to be posed
in hopes of
penetrating your
curiosity left
unanswered;
im retorting in
a silence that
loudly echoes itself
amongst the tile
wall.

soap fails to cleanse
our shared confusion
and a tub draining
leaves behind a ring.

weve cuddled in
a nameless love
that neither of
us can claim,
but in it,
we bathed.

the drive to the flight

2008-01-23T15:52:00.001-08:00

[january.23.2008.3:50pm]

a well of experiences,
mistakes, lessons learned;
a well i yearn to suck dry
and to literally suck dry.

sexually compatible: an understatement
mentally stimulated: an insatiable necessity

you blanket me in an
uncertain faux security
that i allow my false
faith to materialize
which in turn numbs all
rationale.

watching pulp fiction
through our laughters
love diction.

the travel there
consisted of heavy
words spoken beyond
our limit yet the silence
that was given led to
spaces of feelings felt
unexpressed and broken
speech left unfinished.

smirk

2008-01-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

[january.22.2008.2:35pm.est]

the smirk that
flirts on the
lips of his mouth
brings me to a
time before i was
born;
a time i question
if his smirk
still holds the
same effect it has
on me on women that
it entranced then.

his smirk plays on
his lips in the
fashion my tongue
has traced them
and if his smirk
had a taste,
id want to savor
more.

in all truth,
when we speak
again through
the distance
that well travel
to in our respective
places of space,
my eyes will be
closed as i allow
my mind to envisage
his soft lips turning
up in that nonchalant,
often times confusing
yet charming smirk.

her diction

2008-01-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

[january.17.2008.7:07pm.est]

wanting me to
fuck him.
i did so clothed;
he questioned how.

words loose from
my tongue penetrated
inside of his ear as
saliva made whipsers
so smooth seep into
his minds reasoning.

my tongue lightly
traced the outline
of his lobes as
he moaned in pleasure
begging me to fuck
his remaining orifices.

words serve as paints;
his mental the canvas.

my tongue uttered
rustles of enticement,
he prostrates.

i fed his ear
decorated nouns
with adjectival
phrases of sultry
origins,
head he gives.

all this done
without lying
on my back.

some women allow their
vaginas to hold control
of a mans dick.

yet few fail to
learn, obtain,
apply the power of
a womans diction.

2008-01-17T15:20:00.001-08:00

[december.31.2007.??:??]

our breaths are taken to the
rhythm of the soft beats of our
hearts as they play on the drum born of our silence
as my limp limbs cradle your calm body
and through the very contact our souls make,
the physical becomes obsolete because as naked
our truth may lie in a bed soiled with sin,
for void of fallace,
our souls so quietly mate
as it is you're my soulmate.

an hour

2008-01-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

[january.17.2008.5:57pm.est]

"• noun: distance measured by the time taken to cover it"
-rhyme.poetry.com

an hour was
given for me
to determine
whether or not
four years would
further into time
or would cease,
be put to an end
due to my
negligence of
caring to coddle
ones insecurities.

four years teetered
on your balance's scales
that were unequally
weighing my love.

your intuition
is just as my own
so the lies i told
were seen as they
were.

seventeen voicemails:
audio warnings of
a love soon to go awry.

but you fail to
see that i emotionally
desert others before
they come to exercise
thoughts of physically
leaving me.

thee love whore

2008-01-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

[january.17.2008.1:56pm.est]

"its a dangerous necessity, a world famous mystery...love."
-mos def

i will have your love
without your consent.

others blood stains
the palm of my hand
as the grasp that holds
their hearts captive
doesnt give way.

love crusader,
heart slayer,
emotional player.

ironic how the
lies i tell are in
the name of love.

the many men all
adore his self
acclaimed, self
named love whore.

home

2008-01-17T10:41:00.001-08:00

[january.17.2008.1:47pm.est]

"i love new york and new york loves me. i love getting on
that red-eye and landing at 7 or 8 am, whether its winter
or summer. i love turning on Hot 97 and knowing that i'm back in new
york. it's the greatest city in the world. i fell in love with new
york before i even went there"
-kanye

• noun: a place where something began and flourished

the beast

2008-01-17T10:37:00.001-08:00

[january.17.2008.1:34pm.est]

ears yearning to
be mute;
the acoustic
qualities of the
hallway allowed
the fray to leak under
my door;
entered sounds
of voices full of such
hate,
anguish,
rage.

the ocean fell
from her eyes
but my own held
back the rush of
waves that begged
for a blink to give
way.

shudders ran deep
through my consciousness;
shoved onto the back
shelves of my memory
as a reminder of what
a beast i never want to
become.

the torn effect

2008-01-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

[january.16.2008.12:28am.est]

not split
in half,
but resting
in the palms of
two different
owners whose
grasps differ
in strength,
passion.

it was destined
to belong to
many a people
simultaneously.

just hurts when
it feels like its
being torn,
ripped,
shredded to a
beatless pulp.

red eye thoughts

2008-01-14T15:37:00.000-08:00

[january.14.2008.6:49pm.EST]

i could read our
love story in the
words the stars
wrote for us.

from up here,
thoughts of you
keep me secure
if this seatbelt
chose to give
way.

they held hands;
an old love was
hidden in their
palms yet i
didnt feel shut
out from it;
i want that for us:

a hand held love
that we maintain
to hold on to
through our lives
as time brings us
to our elderly ages.

my fear of flying
alone took flight
from my psyche as
i felt love gently
caress me...

even though you
werent there
holding my
hand.