The Truth*

But Then, She's Had My Heart since the Debut of Her Band, The Sugarcubes, back in the 80s

2009-12-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

Seth Myers: America's not the only country facing widespread recession, but no nation has experienced the financial crisis worse than Iceland, whose economy and government have completely collapsed. Here to comment is Iceland's most famous resident, Björk.

Björk: Greetings, snarf! How is your skeleton?

Seth Myers: Um, good. How is your skeleton?

Björk: It's itchy.

Seth Myers: So tell us, Björk, what's the situation in Iceland right now?

Björk: It's very bad. Many Icelanders cannot afford basic necessities, like sklarch and flirp.

Seth Myers: That sounds grim.

Björk: It is the worst tragedy in our nation's history, worse than the Great Narwhal Robbery of 1301 or the Reindeer Uprising of 2012. [stage whisper] It's coming.

…It's clear things are not good. Even the bailout was a disaster.

Seth Myers: Okay, so what was the bailout?

Björk: Our prime minister took all of our money and tied it to a horse, and then, took the horse and ran him into the ocean.

Seth Myers: Wow. Can't believe that backfired.

How can your country rebound from this collapse?

Björk: First, I think we should change our currency. Instead of using paper money, I think we should pay for things with clouds.

Seth Myers: Yeah, I'm starting to think you're not the most qualified person to talk about Iceland's economy.

Unsurprisingly, I'm oddly attracted to her.

What can I tell you? Loves me some crazy women.

In Hollywood, It's All in the Editing

2009-12-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

Rachel Bilson's Deleted Sex Scene from Rachel Bilson

It was hideous—yet, I could not look away.

For my sins, I may never have an erection again. Consider yourself warned.

Don't Believe Everything You Read on the Bathroom Wall

2009-12-01T18:51:00.001-08:00

Wow. Cake, icing, chemistry, glasses (not to mention a sly put-down of her alma mater's rival): She's a cup of coffee a way from making me her bitch—which, despite what that list may lead you to believe, is difficult to do.

Why? What have you heard? via BuzzFeed

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

2009-11-26T02:57:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder to my fellow Americans, not everything we put in our mouths is good for us. That needed to be said on this day of all days, when we pause to gorge ourselves on our nation's bounty.

Of course, if you're serving blow jobs for dinner today, you win Thanksgiving. My turducken leaves me in a distant second, at best.

Because Every Time Someone Slaps a Child, an Angel Gets His Taser

2009-11-24T16:20:00.001-08:00

The show How I Met Your Mother is an acquired taste, I think. The premised doesn't immediately grab you, but if you watch it long enough, you'll find little things to make want to see it every week.

And then, there are things like slap bet, that really hook you. For those of you that haven't seen the show and don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain. Slap bet is as juvenile as it sounds: instead of money, you bet hard slaps to the face—really hard slaps to the face.

Last night, they took it a step further, by inventing a Slap Bet board game, the commercial for which you can watch above. I love it.

Of course, being the youngest of four sons, every day of my childhood was a game of Slap Bet, except without the cards, spinner, bets, and protections provided by a just authority.

By the way, this is the Slap Bet song:

Enjoy, and Happy Thanksgiving.

“Pop It, Push It, Rock and Roll It. Can't Control It? I'll Come Hold It” – FreakNasty

2009-11-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

Apparently, a long time ago (2006), in a party far, far away—the after-party celebrating her debut as the anchor of the CBS Evening News—Katie Couric took it out on the dance floor and dropped it, like it was hot.

I know you're questioning yourselves, and I know the answer you're wrestling with. If it helps, I'll give you mine first: The answer is, Yes, if she dropped it, I would pick it up—in a minute.

Whoops, too late.

Someone beat me to it.

Which brings me to this The Truth* Public Service Address: Parents, when the kids have to come get you off the dance floor, it's time to go home. Go before your daughter makes the face of shame her eldest made for that photograph, which was clearly brought on by Katie mistaking her daughter's touch for a suitor's and hollering, “Can mama get a little whut-whut?!” (Yes, I read lips, too.)

Thanks, Gawker, a name never more appropriate than now.

Sassin’ Your Mother when She's Trying to Bathe Your Narrow Ass? Oh, You'd Better Believe that's a Tasin’

2009-11-19T15:58:00.000-08:00

A police officer who used a stun gun on an unruly 10-year-old girl after he said her mother gave him permission has been suspended—not for using the Taser but for not having a video camera attached when he used it.

Mayor Vernon McDaniel said officer Dustin Bradshaw was suspended Wednesday for seven days with pay. McDaniel said the suspension is for not following department procedures because he didn't have the camera on.

McDaniel wants Arkansas State Police or the FBI to look into whether the use of the Taser was proper. The girl, who hasn't been identified, wasn't injured and is now at the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter in Cecil.

Police were called to the home Nov. 11 after the girl's mother couldn't get her to take a shower.

Bradshaw's report says the girl was “violently kicking and verbally combative” when Bradshaw tried to take her into custody, and she kicked him in the groin. He said he delivered “a very brief drive stun to her back.”

“Her mother told me to tase her if I needed to,” Bradshaw wrote. “Needless to say, after she kicked me in the jimmies, I needed to Tase her.”

Attempts to reach the child at the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter were unsuccessful. According to the director of children services, Gladys Gates, the child was still in the shower.

“She pretty much lives in there. She goes in when she wakes up, and stays in there until we turn the water off at night.

“She gets out of the shower, puts on her little gown, and rocks herself to sleep, whispering what I thought at first was a lullaby. I now know it's just her talking to herself. ‘Unclean. Unclean. Can't get the Tasing off,’ is all she says over and over again until sleep takes her away.

“The poor, li'l thing: that'll learn her.”

It's called “Tough Love,” people, and if more of you would practice it, the world would be a much better place for me to be in, because I wouldn't have to share space with your bad-ass kids. The only problem I have with this story is that it doesn't end with the cop getting a medal.

Now, that's a crime.

“I Know How the Gates Got Pearly”

2009-11-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Word - Skeletons in the Closet

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

U.S. Speedskating

* I believe that's a Maya Angelou poem.

“Thank You, Oprah. I Agree. It Is the Greatest Book You've Ever Read.”

2009-11-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

Posting has been light, as you've probably noticed (or, more likely, didn't). It's National Novel Writing Month, and I've been distracted, spending way too much time on my roman à clef of a young boy coming of age in the 70s, struggling to understand what it means to be a man in the new age of women's liberation, black militancy, and “passing” in post-Civil Rights Movement America.

To explain the plot further at this point would be difficult, but if you can imagine a story that marries Shaft and Sounder, you're half-way there. It's tentatively entitled Please Don't Dunk This Oreo.

And, yeah, it's practically writing itself, page after page after page. It almost feels like I'm cheating. I mean, at this rate, I might write two novels, this one and its sequel, What Part of ‘Please Don't Dunk the Oreo’ Didn't You Get?

So until I'm back to blogging in full force, I hope stuff like this video of snowboarding gone wrong will tide you over.

I'll Have What He's Having

2009-11-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

Tinky Winky, the teen years

What I'm Watching: Patrick Duffy and the Crab

2009-10-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

Patrick: So what, Meredith had to choose between that one guy and Dr. McHottie? …

The Crab: [exasperated] Yes! It's ridiculous. She could've had them both at the same time, you know, had a little ménage action going.

Patrick: When have you ever been with two women?

The Crab: Nineteen ninety-four. First-season wrap party for a little show I like to call Friends, me, Courtney, and the wardrobe girl.

Patrick: You're telling me you had a threesome with Courtney Cox…

The Crab: Uh huh.

Patrick: …and the wardrobe girl.

The Crab: And her name was Bettina. Jealous?

Patrick: No. More “surprised.”

The Crab: Look, Patrick, I know you're into this whole marriage thing, but you've got to loosen up, man. It's The Aughties.

Patrick: Not everyone is interested in that.

The Crab: Are you telling me that if you were single and I showed up at your door with Courtney Cox, you wouldn't jump on board, make a little Courtney sandwich?

Patrick: No, I don't think so.

The Crab: You don't find her attractive?

Patrick: No, she's very pretty.

The Crab: [pause for realization] Oh. I see.

Patrick: It would be a little awkward, yes.

The Crab: Wow.

Patrick: I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

The Crab: You're repelled by me.

In Patrick's defense, not everyone is into a Devil's Three-way. A certain level of awkwardness is inherent, which is why one is never proposed, only fallen into.

Anyway, that exchange, alone, would have been enough to make Patrick Duffy & The Crab my favorite web series, but then, in the American Idol episode The Crab gave one of my favorite line readings ever when he discussed the Idol age limit, and that sealed it.

They're all worth a few minutes, so watch them when you get a chance.

You're welcome.

Three Dudes Shaking Their Weights. That's Got to Be More Awkward than Satisfying

2009-10-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

If there were any benefits to this workout, I would have been the most ripped thirteen-year-old in the history of ~~masturbation~~ humankind, because I was doing that exercise a lot back then—a lot—much more than the stated “six minutes a day.”

Had I been able to limit myself to six minutes a day, who knows what would have been possible for me? Any suggestion would be speculative, but I would have certainly had the time to unlock the mysteries of cold fusion, isolate the weakness of the common cold, count the licks to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. It's hard to imagine what accomplishments would have been out of my reach had I reached for my Shake Weight only six minutes per day.

Science is the poorer.

The Ghost of Michael Jackson Is a Vengeful Ghost. He Will Teach You to Desecrate His Memory with Punk-Ass Moves. Smite Him, Michael. Smite Him Hard

2009-10-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you.

Putting the Black in Blaxploitation since 1971

2009-10-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

You know how I've been waiting months to see this movie? Well, it's playing in select cities. Guess which city was selected?

I'm going to see it after work. Jealous?

Don't worry. I'll bring you back a tee shirt.

Oddly, Their Usual Tagline Is “The Magic Is in the Hole”

2009-10-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

Voodoo Doughnut owner Tres Shannon doesn’t understand why Bitch magazine declined from running his store’s new clothing ad in their publication. According to him, the only thing that might be controversial about the ad is the fact that the woman, whose underpants-clad privates are being depicted in the ad, is unshaven. “It’s just pubic hair,” says Shannon. “I thought Bitch would be happy the woman isn’t plucked and shaved, but all natural like a real woman.”

But is that the way to go when you want to sell doughnuts? I'm not sure it is. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what you should be going for. No one says the best part of the doughnut is the coif—and for good reason, which you're, obviously, forgetting. Bitch did you a favor by refusing that ad.

It wouldn't have worked on anyone, but me, and as badly as I want a doughnut right now, you would never have been able to recoup the cost of the ad with me alone, and I could eat a lot of doughnuts right now.

I Feel You, Little, Plastic Guy. On Any Given Day, That's What Life Is Like for Me, Too

2009-10-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

Now, for your amusement, street art. It's even more amusing to me because I have good friends in Winston-Salem, NC and Washington DC, two of the featured cities.

I'm not saying they had anything to do with this. I'm just saying you're not fooling me with that blue sleeping bag, Law Guy. We've been camping together too many times for me to fall for that. (Plus, isn't that just around the block from your office?)

Vulvas of Color Representing, Yo! Hollar!

2009-10-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

Celebrate your own beauty.

Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.

After purchasing you can e-mail 2-3 photos of your Yoni to: VulvaLoveLovely. Please include chain choice: Antique copper or gunmetal (shown in the final photo) in the 'message to seller' section at checkout.

The pendant on this necklace will measure about 1.6" x 1" and will be hung on a 17.5" chain. Each pendant will be coated in a protective satin glaze.

If you are not comfortable sending pictures you also have to option of sending me a description of your Yoni.

In your description please include:

The shape of your inner and outer labia

colors

how much or how little your inner labia extend out from your outer labia

how well hidden your clitoris is, is it heavily hooded or can you see it fairly easily?

*If no photo or description is sent you will receive one of our beautiful flesh-toned Vulva pendants*

I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be able to figure out why this strikes me as wrong—so very wrong—but I don't want to think about. I just want to let the wonder of it all flow over me.

Let's hope nothing untoward gets trapped in my gaping maw.

P.S. Hmm, Christmas is just around the bend. Hey, FM, if you want one of these for Yuletide 2009 (or even your birthday), you'd better get those pictures in the mail tout de suite.

I Thought You'd Want to Know

2009-10-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

Created by The Oatmeal

And Now Arguing for the Pro Side of the Argument, Jungle Fever Sufferer* Strom Thurmond. What's Wrong, Strom. Death Got Your Tongue?

2009-10-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

“I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”…

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

“There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage,” Bardwell said. “I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it.”

The president of the United States was unavailable for comment.

* Oh, Strommy, you devil!

Thank You, Japan. When I Need It, You Bring It—Hard

2009-10-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

The best way to escape a fart? Sidestep it.

Here comes the science.

“The 5 Stages of Most Relationships”

2009-10-08T19:06:00.001-07:00

Written by Cory Jones and Justin Halpern

Relationships are a lot of work. They can end in happiness, but most often, they end in a passive aggressive battle. We decided we’d show you the stages of most relationships.

Stage 1

You told them a story they told you was “hilarious” even though it was super boring, and about some friend you've never even met.

Stage 2

You tell a friend that “something feels different about this one.” They remind you that you said that last time. You tell them “last time was different, though.”

Stage 3

They do something to piss you off. You tell a friend and they say “what an asshole/bitch.” Instead of defending your partner, you agree that they can be a total bitch/asshole sometimes.

Stage 4

Your friends start to tell you stuff like “I'm not really sure he/she's right for you.” You sigh and say “I dunno. I just don't fucking know.”

Stage 5

You have dreams where the other person dies in a fiery plane crash. Dreams, not nightmares

Five Stages? Really? Five? They're not padding the article for a word count? Wow.

Live Long and Prosper Enough to Afford a Kick-Ass Ride

2009-10-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

via Maliciousmischief

In 1968, Leonard Nimoy lost Show and Tell to William Shatner three weeks in a row, but in week four, when Shatner pulled out a diamond-encrusted scalp and ego massager, Nimoy chuckled, leaned back, and thought “I got this.”

At Least They Didn't Sexually Harass the Staff

2009-10-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

I didn't know Double X existed until today. That's when I discovered the above, an experiment to see what a Madmen-like workday, fueled by alcohol, would be like. If the magazine is being run by such creative and adventurous spirits, it's got to be worth reading, right?

Cheers, ladies!

No, as a Matter of Fact, It Doesn't Depend on What the Definition of “Up to” Is

2009-09-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

Savage Love

My wife and I were recently regaling each other with anecdotes from our past, and she easily had the most interesting story: it seems that when she was a young woman in college, a fellow student invited her over for lunch. It turns out that he thought she was lunch. He quickly had her clothes off and was kissing her, although he was still dressed. Then he brought out a vibrator. He applied the vibrator, she had an orgasm, and then she called a halt to the proceedings. They went back to school, and that was the beginning and the end of their relationship.

Did she have sex?

…My wife’s view is that since he never got his clothes off and she never saw his cock, she really didn’t have sex. We would like your opinion on this. — Definition Essential For Intensely Novel Experience

Let’s say you and I met in a bar, DEFINE, while the wife was out of town, and we hit it off. And let’s say I took you home, stripped you naked, made out with you, sucked your dick, ate your ass, spanked you, tossed you in a sling, fist-fucked you, and then — with my right arm buried up to my elbow in your ass — slowly stroked you with my left hand until you blew a massive load all over your stomach, chest, and face.

Now let’s say I taped the whole thing and e-mailed a copy to your wife. I think it’s highly unlikely that your wife would turn to you after watching the video — remember: I don’t get naked, you never see my dick — put a hand on your knee, and say, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with Dan Savage.”

I have to agree: If you're up to your elbow in ass, you're having sex, and if the elbow or the ass isn't your betrothed's, you're cheating.

Seriously, people, this isn't even a close call.

People Do the Darnedest Things.

2009-09-28T19:12:00.001-07:00

“Hello! I'm so glad to catch you at home.

“Before we begin, I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I can appreciate how busy you are and how important the time in the evenings with your family is to you, so I won't keep you long.

“I'm Special Agent Bohica, with the United States Treasury Department's Secret Service division. How are you this evening? Good. Good.

“As I said, I know how valuable your time is so I won't waste it any further with pleasant small talk. I'll just get right to the point. It's about your Facebook poll, the one about the president.

“While no one respects your First Amendment right to criticize the government and its elected officials like we do, no one understands the restrictions on that right — especially as they apply to threats to the president — better than we do. I guess, you could call us the experts.

“Even experts need a hand every now and then, though. Sometimes, it's hard to know where someone's right ends and his prison sentence begins. That's why I called. Before I determine what action is called for in this case, I need to know what your intent was.

“Now, I'm sure you were just expressing some good, old American rage in a grossly inappropriate way, as we are all prone to do.

“In fact, when this incident is all cleared up, I'll tell you about the overreaction that got me this desk assignment. Perfect misunderstanding gone awry. Guy called the White House, and, long story short, my partner said I'd never get the whole cattle prod up there, but by golly… But that's for later.

“Anyway, back to the matter at hand. We're under a lot of pressure here to get things right because all it takes is one mistake, one misunderstanding, and someone dies. I don't want that. Believe me, you don't want that. To avoid any accidents, then, I need you to clarify your intentions. I know. It's seems so obvious, I'm almost too embarrassed to ask, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't. So, tell me: you weren't threatening the president of the United States from your Facebook page, were you?

“This is important, so think it over. Take all the time that you need. Don't feel rushed in the least bit. We've still got guys outside getting into place, setting up lines of sight, what have you. We can wait as long as is necessary; so, take a deep breath, relax, and give me the answer you want your survivors to read in the report.

“What's that? What poll am I talking about? Why, the one on your Facebook page about killing…

“Ah. So, we do understand each other.

“Thanks again for your time. I apologize again for taking you away from your family. You enjoy the rest of your evening.”