Dear Abby's Alter Ego

Name Change Dilemma

2009-02-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in a few weeks -- my third marriage, his first. We live together and keep our finances separate, which works for us. We intend to keep things that way after the wedding.
My problem is I want to keep my maiden name, and my fiance wants me to adopt his. Having been divorced twice, I speak from experience when I say what a pain it is to change one's name on checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I love my fiance and believe he's the man I'll grow old with, but I would like to keep my name.
Am I being selfish, or have you any thoughts as to how I can keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy? -- HAD IT WITH ALIASES IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR HAD IT: Believe me, I do sympathize with your dilemma. However, I have a question: Which is more important to you -- the hassle you'll go through one more time, or your fiance's feelings? Let the answer be your guide.

Your sentence "how do I keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy?" Sums it up for me........Your not going to be "me" anymore once you marry him, your going to be "us" as in husband and wife. You really might want to rethink what you are doing!

Gentle Giant

2008-12-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 240 pounds and can bench-press 400 pounds. I practice martial arts and shoot firearms for recreation and competition on weekends. I generally keep my social life to myself unless I am specifically asked because people have made jokes at my expense in the past.
I have worked for the same company for 10 years, and have not only mastered every aspect of my job but also trained most of my co-workers and their supervisors.
Recently, a supervisor's position opened up, and many thought I was going to get it. A friend was hired instead. He apologized to me, then told me about things that had been said about me behind my back. Apparently, I'll never become a supervisor because "people don't respect me; they fear me." Also, they are "afraid I'll lose it and kill everyone."
I have no idea what to say or do with this information. I can't change who I am, and I can't change the way others see me after all this time. What would you suggest I do to get myself promoted? -- GENTLE GIANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR GENTLE GIANT: It is important that you find out whether what your friend told you is true. While your physique may be imposing, after 10 years at the company your co-workers should be familiar enough with your temperament to know that you do not pose a threat of "losing it."
Ask your employer why you were passed up for the promotion and if it's true that you have advanced as far as you can with the company. If the answer is yes, then you should look for a job with more opportunity for advancement elsewhere.

I don't agree with Abby's answer at all. Clearly if you have been there 10 years and your coworkers don't respect you and they fear you, it is because of something YOU are doing. My suggestion to you is that you need to reevaluate how you are treating and talking to your coworkers, whether you want to believe it or not it sounds like your being very intimidating!

The Friendships Back?

2008-10-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Steven," and I have known each other 10 years. He and I have seen each other through many good times, and a few bad ones.
Most recently, Steven was in a relationship with a woman who couldn't stand the thought of his having female friends. So, for the last 18 months, the only contact I have had with him was via e-mail -- and that was very seldom.
Steven recently e-mailed me saying he had broken up with this insecure woman. He expressed how sorry he was for the limited contact, and said he would like for us to rebuild our friendship. I'm thrilled to finally have my friend back, but I also feel somewhat resentful toward him for his having discarded me.
Abby, I missed Steven. But how can I be his pal again when I am still hurt by his blatant disregard for our friendship and my feelings over the past year and a half? -- UNCERTAIN IN LONG BEACH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: The surest way to put this unhappy chapter in your relationship behind you would be to tell your friend how hurt you were, how abandoned you felt, talk it through and listen to what he has to say. Frankly, no one can blame you for feeling as you do. You were cut off through no fault of your own. And only time will tell if Steven has learned his lesson, so it won't happen again.

Come on.....he was in a possessive relationship, give the guy a break. Hopefully he learned from it, give him the benefit of the doubt and just be happy you have your friend back.

Halloween Drama Moma

2008-10-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I wasn't sure how to handle an uncomfortable situation last Halloween, and your answer will help me be better prepared this year.
I took my 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old niece trick-or-treating. We only walk up walkways that are well-lit. As we approached one house, an older gentleman was waiting at the open door, handing out candy to the kids.
Before I could process what was happening, he whipped out a camera and took a picture of my daughter and niece. I was not comfortable with it at all. But what could I have possibly done or said without being rude? Our neighborhood is a safe area, but in this day and age you can trust no one.
Do you think it was inappropriate for an older man to take pictures of someone's children? What would be the proper way to handle it this year? -- HALLOWEEN ESCORT, SAN DIEGO

DEAR ESCORT: While I admire your vigilance as a parent, if the children were wearing cute costumes, I don't think it was inappropriate for the gentleman to want to take their picture. Of course, it would have been better had this neighbor first asked permission. But since he didn't, and it made you uncomfortable, avoid his house this year and in the future.

I think you have a thing against "older gentlemen" as you kept referring to in your letter to Dear Abby. I highly doubt the old man was taking pictures to post them on the internet for sexual purposes when the kids are hidden in complete Halloween costumes! Theres nothing wrong with being cautious but you are taking it overboard!

The Man Needs Some Underwear!

2008-10-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS

DEAR PREFERS BRIEFS: No, I do not think it is right. Regardless of your age, your feelings matter a great deal. You should wear underwear in which you feel comfortable without having to worry about anyone "finding out."
Because your wife is so tight-fisted, please consider finding a part-time job so you will have spending money of your own. Your wife may be the wage earner in the family, but that doesn't mean she should be the only one "wearing the pants."

Oh my God......are you kidding me? You were way, WAY too soft on this one, Abby! The guy is 70 years old and is only asking for some underwear! You need to stand up to your Godzilla wife and tell her you need not only more then $5 a week for coffee but $10 for a couple of pairs of underwear! Take the nylon grannie panties she is offering you and throw them in the trash and tell them they are officially WORN OUT!

Poor Me and My Ex

2008-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Nick," and I have been married five years. Two years ago, his 18-year-old son molested my 7-year-old daughter. It tore our family apart and we are going through a divorce.
Nick is an alcoholic and an enabler. He paid all his son's bills and even sent him money when he was in jail. My problem is, I still love my husband. However, I know that under the circumstances we would always have problems.
How can I make Nick understand that the drinking and taking care of his son after what he did is what really tore us apart? And how do I move forward? -- TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD

DEAR TRYING: If you haven't been able to make your husband understand what ended the marriage by now, you may never be able to. Until he dries out, nothing will sink in because he won't be able to retain the information.
You must move forward one step at a time with the full understanding that you are doing so in order to protect your little girl from her predatory former stepbrother. No one said it would be easy, but your child is depending on you. Her welfare must come first.
Believe me, I sympathize with you. But you are doing the right thing.

Why are you worried about making him see that it was his fault? The scumbag molested your daughter. That should be all you need to know. Your never going to reason with a drunk and by trying to only lessens you as a Mother to your poor daughter that lived through this. HOw do you move forward? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and for your ex and get pissed about what he did to your daughter!

Not Another One.....

2008-09-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Matt," the man of my dreams. We want to have children someday. Although I love Matt, I do not love the other men in his family -- specifically his father and his brothers. I'm worried about the negative influence they may have on our children.
These people swear and make racist comments and jokes in front of their children. Matt has spoken to them about it in front of me, but it hasn't stopped them or altered the way they act.
I'm an adult. I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have, but I worry about the influence they may have on our children. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his family, but if they won't cut out the comments, I don't see how I can allow them to be a part of our children's lives. Please help. -- DISTRESSED NEW WIFE IN VERMONT

DEAR NEW WIFE: I don't know how tied into this family your husband is, but it may not be possible to totally separate your children from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- unless you plan to move across the country. Obviously, you married the "pick of the litter."
Please keep in mind that every family has its own standards of what is acceptable and what isn't, and yours will be no exception. You will educate your children to a higher level, and reinforce the qualities you and your husband feel are important not only by modeling good behavior for them and praising them when they emulate it, but also by pointing out what is unacceptable and telling them why. It's a more effective way to teach children their values rather than isolating them.

Oh boy.....Ok, first of all let me comment on your "I do not love the other men in his life...specifically his Father and Brothers" WHAT other men in his life does he have?? A man has his father and brothers...Ok, maybe some friends but your referring to his whole support group here. Then you go on to say "I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have" ..........Wow! Thats a matter of opinion, lady. Just because you have an education does NOT mean you are smarter then those who don't. You may be book smart, but in my eyes you are reality DUMB!
You don't even have these children you and your husband are supposedly going to have and your already denying them their Grandfather and Uncles. You are clearly VERY naive. You can't stop other people from doing what they are going to do or saying what they are going to say, all you can do is teach your children the difference between right and wrong. Racism and swearing is everywhere in the world today and if your too educated for real life and all the wrong in this world then your best bet is to build yourself a cave when you get pregnant and plan on spending the next 18 years of your life in it!
And I'm still trying to figure out why you put the "I'm an adult" comment in your letter.....because you clearly don't sound like it!

Still Confused

2008-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Please help my wife and me settle a dispute we have been having for the past few years. We have been married to each other twice. The first time was for six years. We divorced for three years, but eventually realized we were better off with each other and have now been happily remarried for 22 years.
When we celebrate our anniversary, we cannot agree on the number of years to celebrate. In the case of our current anniversary, do we say we're celebrating 28 years (the total number of years we've been married) or just from the last wedding date, which would be 22 years? -- STILL CONFUSED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

DEAR STILL CONFUSED: The answer to your question depends upon whether you're a pragmatist, a romantic or a realist. If you're a pragmatist, the answer is 22 years. If you're a romantic it's 28 years. And if you're a realist you'll smile, say, "Yes, Dear," and let your wife decide.

Good answer, Abby! :-)

Damn Dogs, again

2008-09-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I love dogs, but they're ruining my marriage. "Ivan" and I have been together 12 years, married for five. Six years ago, he had to put his aged, sickly pointer, "Sergeant," to sleep.
Two years ago, I began suggesting that we get another dog. I felt Ivan had mourned Sergeant long enough, and it was time for another. We found a lovely King Charles spaniel that we named Lili. We spent a lot of fun time with her that spring and summer, then thought a playmate might be good company for her during the day while we were at work. We found Branford, another spaniel.
At night we'd put both dogs in the kitchen, tell them goodnight, put up a gate and go to bed. But Branford would cry. I told Ivan he'd stop eventually, but Ivan couldn't just leave him, so he began bringing the two dogs into our bedroom and allowing them to sleep at the foot of our bed. I have pleaded with Ivan to return them downstairs, but he won't consider it.
Guess where they're sleeping today? IN the bed. Guess where I'm sleeping? On the couch downstairs.
We haven't been out on a date since the dogs arrived. We don't go out with friends because we must be back by 10 p.m. -- the dogs' bedtime, and Ivan's, too, of course. He is oblivious to me from the time he goes to bed with the dogs. We haven't had sex in a year.
Everything is about the dogs. He even prepares their meals from scratch each day -- boiled chicken with rice, peas and carrots. He says: "I told you I get attached to dogs. You said you wanted them; this is what you have to deal with." I am at my breaking point. Help! -- ONLY HIS WIFE IN WILMINGTON

DEAR WIFE: I'm sorry to say this, but the dogs aren't your problem; they're only a symptom. Your husband has turned them into a buffer. When a man would rather sleep with his dogs than his wife and "forgets" about sex for a year, something is wrong with the marriage.
You need more help than anyone can give you in a letter. So start looking for a licensed marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go alone. Something tells me you're going to need all the emotional support you can get, because your marriage has gone to the bowwows.

Nice cliche', Abby.
Ok, once again its the "dog people syndrome" And once again I will say I love dogs, they are loyal, loving and protective but certain people seem to think they are humans......thats where the problem comes in. They are NOT human, they are animals. And when a person starts regarding them with more worth then another human, well, this is what you get. And if that is not enough he is trying to blame you for what he is doing. If you seriously want to save your marriage I would take both dogs (crying and all) and drop them off at a relatives house for a short visit and when Ivan gets home explain to him that the dogs are gone for the night because your marriage needs MUCH attention, show him this letter you wrote and go from there. If he doesn't listen and insists on picking the dogs up then its time for you to give him a lot of time alone with his pooches......find some place to go for a while and see if his dogs' companionship means more to him. Good luck!

Pay It Forward

2008-08-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: "Missing the Old Days in Arizona City" (May 8), the mother of a small child, wondered how parents can feel safe raising kids in a world that is "crazy and scary." I, too, worry about the state of the world today, but find comfort in my children and in the fact that I am trying to raise them to be among the "good guys."
When I was a brand-new mom, I was in an elevator with two teenage boys. When the door opened, one of the boys stated to get off first. The other boy put his arm in front of his friend and motioned for me to go ahead. I was moved by his simple gesture of thoughtfulness and good manners. I thanked him and asked him to also thank his mother for me, for doing such a wonderful job raising such a polite young man. I promised myself that day that I would raise my children (I now have three) to be like him.
Please tell "Missing the Old Days" there is good everywhere. She just needs to look for it and to always acknowledge polite gestures so her children and others can see that there is still civility in this "scary place" we call home. -- MARGIE IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR MARGIE: I like the way you think. As more people respond to each other with kindness, we create a more positive world in which to live, one good deed at a time

Enlightening letter in these days and times.......Pay it forward, friends!

Another Conspiracy? pffft!

2008-08-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I was taught that a performance receives a standing ovation when it is truly spectacular. When you are especially moved or inspired, you show your appreciation by standing. Abby, every show I go to now receives a standing ovation. I don't always join in. I feel it should mean something, not just be expected at the end of every show.
I'm tired of getting the "evil eye" from people standing around me because I didn't feel an ovation was warranted. Don't get me wrong, I'm still generous with my applause and take into consideration all the aspects of the show. (For example, I wouldn't expect a play featuring 5-year-olds to be held to the same standard as a Broadway show.)
Am I wrong? Should I stand with everyone else, and am I confused about the meaning of standing ovations? Or should I remain seated? -- RELUCTANT IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR RELUCTANT: If you don't feel a performance merits a standing ovation, stay in your seat. Do not let the reaction of other audience members intimidate you. It's possible they may be related to someone in the show, or even be the producers.

It still amazes me that people have nothing better to worry about then trivial things like this......please tell me how it is hurting or affecting you if the performer gets a standing ovation????? Maybe just for once it made that performer feel good about him or herself and yet it bothers you so much you have to write Dear Abby about it, you should be ashamed of yourself, Reluctant and your answer was horrible too Abby....lets create some drama, maybe its a conspriacy! Paaallleassse!

More Pledge of Allegiance BS

2008-08-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Would you please tell your readers that not reciting or participating in the Pledge of Allegiance does NOT mean that someone is a "bad American"?
For religious reasons, I cannot say the Pledge. I sit quietly while it's recited, but unfortunately, others can't keep quiet about my silence. They make a scene and begin interrogating me -- especially at sporting events. Others have better manners, but still insist that I stand in "respect" -- but standing IS participating.
Abby, I have been punched, kicked, cursed at and spat upon, often in front of my children. People scream about their war records or their soldier relatives. Well, I have kin "over there," too. Please do not assume that non-participants are bad people. They might even be Canadian! -- SILENT SUPPORTER, BENSON, N.C.

DEAR SILENT SUPPORTER: Thank you for a letter that may educate those who do not understand that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance does not automatically make them more patriotic -- or better Americans -- than those who do not. Physically or verbally attacking someone because the person doesn't conform is not a sign of patriotism. It's a symptom of intolerance, and should get the guilty parties tossed out of the events.
For anyone who may not already know, Quakers do not take oaths -- even in courts of law -- nor do they salute religious symbols. The person remaining silent (and seated) when the Pledge is recited could also be a member of a religion outside the Judeo-Christian matrix, or even a member of a certain sect of Buddhism.

First of all you contradicted yourself in your letter.......you say you participate in it by standing but not reciting then you go on to say you don't even stand for it. I don't know what your religous beliefs are or where your origin is but out of respect for the Country that you are in at least stand for the Pledge of Allegiance! This topic is getting so, so old.....are we really getting this immoral?

The Upper Class

2008-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: For the past week I have been remodeling my home. Workers have asked to use my bathroom, which is a problem for me as I feel it is an invasion of a personal, private space. I feel they should have a porta-potty in their vans or find a public toilet nearby.
Am I wrong? I hate saying "no," but I feel my privacy is stolen. -- PRIVACY, PLEASE, IN MONTANA

DEAR P.P.: Call your contractor and ask that a portable toilet be provided to the workers on your job. However, if that's not possible, rather than telling the people remodeling your house to find a public toilet, I'm advising you to relent. Happy workers do better work, regardless of what field they're in. And when work is being done in my home, I not only allow workers to use the "facilities," I also offer them a cold drink on a hot day. (Hint, hint.)

For some reason you feel you are above these "workers" whom just have to take a leak while remodeling your home forYOU. How do you figure letting another person use your restroom an invasion of privacy.......do you keep your checkbook in your bathroom???
Put yourself in their position (if you can) and imagine doing their tedious job, living up to your standards and and you not offering the common courtesy of using your bathroom. They are working their asses off, not only should you let them use your bathroom but you should be offering drinks and perhaps a cookie or two. It won't surprise me at all if the remodel job doesn't suit you, its people like you that can't give the hard, honest laborers the respect that they deserve.........and for you to actually type "they should have a porta potty in their van" How about you going to your job and taking a "porta potty" to your cubicle and using it....THAT is how ridiculous you sound!

Proud to Wear a Baseball Cap

2008-08-04T19:41:00.001-07:00

DEAR ABBY: What is the word on men wearing baseball caps into a fairly nice restaurant and not taking them off? I think it is rude, and ruder still for them -- and women are guilty of this too -- to dress like they just finished mowing the lawn. How do you feel about this? -- DRESSED UP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DRESSED UP: People who wear baseball caps in upscale establishments show a lack of pride in their appearance and an ignorance of good manners. In an effort to promote business, many restaurants have relaxed or done away with their dress codes.
Because there is nothing you or I can do to change it, rather than let it ruin your dining experience, you have two choices: Direct your attention only to what's going on at your own table, or patronize a restaurant that has a stricter dress code.

Get over yourself and your expensive clothes. Not all of us can afford to dress to the nines and that makes us no less of a person then you. With all the bad things in this world today, that is the best bitch you have?? And your answer, Abby.....very shallow! I can put a baseball cap on my head and take great pride in my appearance!

The Blame Game

2008-08-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-year-old woman who has battled compulsive eating and binge eating since my teens. (Yes, I still have a weight problem.) I see a counselor and am trying to find solutions that work for me.
My problem stems from well-meaning friends and family who try to send me home with leftovers when I visit them. Because I am single, they think I would like a home-cooked meal. I politely refuse these offerings, but my hosts keep insisting I take food until I give in just to avoid additional argument.
How can I convince them I can't take the offer without offending them or revealing my "problem"? -- STUFFED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STUFFED: It's difficult for me to believe that family and close friends are completely unaware of a problem with which you have struggled since your teens. However, if that's the case, thank these loving saboteurs and tell them you have more than enough food at home and don't want to waste anything by having more than you can use. If that doesn't deter them, offer the food to a neighbor or someone who might need or enjoy it. But under no circumstances should you bring it into your house if it will trigger a binge.

I'm pretty sure that if your 30 years old and have battled compulsive eating and binge eating since your teens it is obvious to your friends that you have a "problem" Also, might I add your problem doesn't "stem" from people offering you food. Your problem "stems" from you eating it.
Maybe you should stop blaming the people that are offering you food and start accepting the blame for shoveling the food in........your the one picking that fork up, not them. Your friends offering you left-overs is no different then you going to a restaurant and taking a doggy bag home, you can take it but its up to YOU whether you eat it or not!

Are You "Kitten" Me??

2008-07-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I dress my Siamese cat, "Belle," in clothes and pajamas. (Yes, they make apparel for cats.) I also push her around in a stroller. My friends think I'm crazy, but I consider Belle to be my daughter.
One time, a teenager came up to me as I was pushing Belle in her stroller and asked, "Where's the baby?" I told her that Belle was like my baby.
Is it nuts to treat a cat like a child? -- MOM OF A FUR KID IN N.Y.

DEAR "MOM": Nuts? No. A bid for attention ... perhaps.

No, your not nuts.......your a damn fruitcake!

Dads at the Bar Again

2008-07-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home. He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies, leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night. On weekends, Mike jumps out of bed, showers and leaves -- sometimes not returning until the wee hours of the morning. He says he's "with friends."
Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone. Mike says he "needs his time." Well, what about our time as a couple and as a family? I told him I feel like I'm running a bed-and-breakfast.
My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure. This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it. He rarely agrees to watch the baby if I have to run to the store. When he's home, all he does is play video games.
Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41. He has touched me only once in the last four months. I feel rejected, lonely and miss the closeness. What should I do? -- HOME ALONE IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HOME ALONE: Your husband is behaving like an adolescent who has run away from home. The cause may be another woman, anger at you, an inability to shoulder mature responsibility or a combination of the three. But you won't get to the bottom of it until you can get a handle on your emotions, stop reacting with anger, and convince him to level with you. Believe me, you have my sympathy.

Next time Mike is at the bar with his friends pack up your children and head to your Moms or a friends house....don't leave a note or a message to him, just be gone. Play it out until he "gets it" If he doesn't get it, its time for you to loose the loser and start a new life for you and your children.

12 Year Itch?

2008-07-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world. He's an astute businessman and a good provider, but when he comes home our conversations are always about him. The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.
I have told him many times how hurtful it is. I feel lonely and unimportant when the things I care about are pushed to the side. How can I get him to stop ignoring me? -- THE SILENT PARTNER

DEAR SILENT PARTNER: If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him. That should get his attention.

You let him get away with this for 12 years, what the hell do you expect???

Dinner Party Blues

2008-07-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are unsure how to deal with this, so he suggested I write to you. We have lovely dining room chairs covered with celadon green fabric. In spite of the fact that I always use cloth napkins (and placemats and tablecloths), several of our guests have left large stains on the upholstery from dropping food or from their dirty hands.
The stains are very difficult to remove when we can get them out at all, and the chairs have become unsightly. Three of our most recent dinner guests left chairs stained. One mark covered most of the seat.
These guests are not heavy drinkers. How can we get them to keep their napkins in a position to avoid this? And how do we get them to keep their soiled hands off the chairs? Judging from the condition of their napkins, they ARE using them. -- UNHAPPY HOSTESS IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNHAPPY HOSTESS: Face it: Accidents happen, and you can't order your guests to wash their hands between courses. You need to accept that a home isn't a photograph in Architectural Digest. Wear and tear are normal.
If your chairs are stained beyond repair, the time has come to re-cover them. In your case, may I suggest Naugahyde the next time around?

OMG.......get rid of your fancy cloth napkins, placemats and tablecovers, go visit the Dollar Store where they sell Bounty (they even have napkins with fancy designs on them) nobody needs placemats when they are dining at home and cover your damn chairs with vinyl. AND THEN.... Invest the rest of the money you would have spent for all this "keeping up with the Jones" table look to charity where people don't even know what a friggin placemat is!

Not Fit to be a Mother

2008-07-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years. The situation is this: He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender. I have an 11-month-old daughter by him. I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out, but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.
I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me. Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him? Your thoughts, please. -- CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONFUSED AND TORN: Wanting to be with someone you love isn't silly, but it's time for you to think maturely and realize the consequences of your decision. After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.
When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you. Wade is a sex offender. What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet? What effect could it eventually have on the child? Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?
While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.

Are you being silly? Let me take that a notch farther...........you are an IDIOT for even considering this. Yes, you probably should give your daughter to your parents and let them raise her, your clearly not parent material, then get your stupid ass on birth control as soon as possible so you don't reproduce again! Then move in with Wade, enjoy "your" life while your poor daughter is screwed up for the rest of her life then 10 years from now after you've grown up and learned some common sense you can look back on this decision and realize it was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life.

The Young Executive

2008-06-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a young man who is having some trouble working for "the man" -- you know, the corporate culture. I have always worked for large companies, but have found that my current employer is not open to accepting new ideas or suggestions.
I feel I'm hitting a brick wall when I look at a problem and come up with a solution, but no one will take me seriously because of my youth. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- EAGER IN CUMBERLAND, MD.

DEAR EAGER: When someone is hired by a company with a strong corporate culture, that person is usually expected to conform and not shake up the status quo. I can think of few things more depressing than going every day to a job where you do not feel your input is valued. Feeling as you do, you might be wise to explore opportunities at another company -- or even a field -- that is more youth-oriented.

I don't agree with Abbys answer at all, I think people are constantly being hired to "shake up the status quo". That is what keeps companies new and interesting. Unfortunately it intimidates some co-workers and that is what your situation sounds like. You have two choices.......you can believe in yourself and your work ability and continue to give it your all until they take you seriously, or you can quit. Remember, we were all "young" at one time and if we didn't endure that fight there would be no corporate ladder to climb.

Tasteless Willard

2008-06-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 40s. My father and siblings all live in the same town. We have always been close and spend holidays, birthdays, etc. together, even as our families have grown.
Last year my brother's daughter married a horrible man I'll call "Willard." Willard is rude, vulgar and makes constant sexual innuendos. The rest of the family have decided to have nothing to do with my brother's family because of it. We're afraid to invite them to gatherings and holidays for fear that Willard will come with the rest.
We have talked about it with my brother and his wife. They feel that because Willard has become part of their family, he should be accepted whether we like him or not. Another problem: My brother thinks Willard is "wonderful" and says nothing when he's out of line. Is it time for us to also cut them off, or do you have any other ideas? -- TORN IN TUCSON

DEAR TORN: It is not your brother's job to muzzle his son-in-law when the man becomes offensive. Invite the family to one more gathering, and when Willard steps out of line, the person he offends should speak up. If Willard does not stop, do not invite him again.
By the way, when "children" are grown they should receive invitations of their own and not expect to "tag along" with their parents. Your brother should not be ostracized because of his son-in-law's bad behavior. However, if he chooses to estrange himself in order to "punish" you for drawing the line, the choice will be his.

In my opinion you never have to "accept" someone just because someone else thinks you should. Here's my question......If Willard is being vulgar and making constant sexual innuendos why is it that no other male person in your family has confronted him out of respect for the females he is offending? Sounds to me like you just need a real man in your family to confront dear ole Willard.

Held Hostage

2008-06-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Cindy," recently moved in with me. We have a history of fighting, often to exhaustion. I have been trying hard to improve my communication skills.
Something that troubles me is a tactic of hers that forces me to stay in the conversation when I need to take a break from it. Cindy literally stands in front of me when I'm trying to go outside to calm down. She will position herself in front of me without actually touching me, so I have to make physical contact in order to get out the door. Then she claims that I am abusive because of the extreme physical contact needed to get by her. If I give up and stay in the house, her verbal abuse will continue.
I feel trapped. I either endure her verbal abuse until she runs out of steam, or fall into her trap and become someone who physically abuses his girlfriend. I am twice Cindy's size, so I don't think authorities will buy my story of feeling trapped should she show them any marks I leave while trying to push through the door. What's the answer? -- HELD HOSTAGE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HELD HOSTAGE: Recognize that you and Cindy are too combustible a combination to have a healthy relationship and end it now. And when you do, be sure to have witnesses present who can help her pack her things.

Wow Abby, what a rash answer. I think you should print this letter you wrote to Dear Abby, schedule an appointment with a counselor for you and Cindy and begin the session with presenting this letter. If you guys love each other, you both need to take responsibility for how you are handling these frequent arguments.

Love or In Love?

2008-06-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year. We love each other -- no question about that -- but when I tell him I'm IN love with him, he never responds. He says he doesn't know what that means.
He asked me to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love. He says it doesn't make sense to him. Please help me explain to him what it means to be in love. I need to know that he's in love with me, not that he just loves me. -- IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE: If you have to explain to this wonderful man what it means to be in love, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you he may not BE in love with you. While it's possible for a man or woman to "love" many people (and cats, and pizza and shiny cars), when someone is IN love, then only the object of that emotion will satisfy him or her. There is nothing unsure or doubtful about it, and no substitute will suffice.

I'd have to say open your eyes, In Love. Sounds to me like your wonderful boyfriend is stalling in the "commitment department" It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what being in love is.

Whining Mom

2008-06-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to my fourth child a few months ago. (My oldest is 5.) I am now being pressured by my in-laws, who live in another state, to visit. They expect me to pack up the six of us and drive three hours to a house that is not child-friendly.
I have tried to be as accommodating as possible, and have traveled as much as I could with pregnancies and newborns to deal with. I am just not up to it this time. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask for a year's reprieve?
I would gladly throw open my doors to any and all who would like to visit and see the grandchildren, but traveling has become too much for me. I just can't go anywhere at this time. Why won't people understand? Why must I be constantly burdened with the guilt of disappointing others?
Can't they see that for me, traveling is no longer a "diversion" but a cumbersome undertaking? Or am I the one being difficult? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Sometimes people become so used to the status quo that they overlook the reality that circumstances change. The time has come for you to quit trying so hard to be a people-pleaser. Tell your in-laws they are welcome to visit at a time of their choosing, but that with the arrival of your fourth child under the age of 6, travel has become too much for you.
And please do not feel guilty for speaking up. Your husband should support you on this -- unless he is willing to do his share of the packing, the driving and entertaining the children while they are en route.

Wow, first of all.......stop your whining. You sounded like the youngest of your 4 kids you have through this whole letter. Secondly, grow a backbone. You have 4 young kids, nobody should expect you to go out of your way especially with 4 children to come visit them. Tell the In-Laws your done with the traveling, if they want to see the grandkids then come on over!