An Urban Story

Gay, Gay and more gay all weekend long.

2009-07-01T19:34:00.004-05:00

Last Sunday Stella and Xavier danced at their first Gay Pride Parade.

We went with a couple film producer friends who make FILMS not MOVIES…as well as Xavier’s Godmother, who came into town to surprise Anna.

We got to the parade around noon. As usual, it was totally gay. There were already about a half million people lined up on the route so it was difficult to get a double stroller close to the action.

I swear, every year this parade gets more and more ridiculous. It’s like someone took a 10 block section of the city and told everyone, “Hey, this is the last time in your life you can act completely out of your mind so go ahead and do it now. “ That said, it’s the only half million person event I’ve ever gone to where everyone is happy and people say excuse me when they bump into you.

Eventually we had to split up. It was getting too difficult with the kids. I took Stella and Xavier on a walk around the block while Godmother Rachel and Anna headed into the crowd to dance with men in Speedos.

I did see an overweight guy in his late 60’s wearing a skirt but no makeup, no wig, no heels, no attitude. I was all like, “you’re not trying hard enough”…waving my index finger in his face.

After being there about an hour we took the kids home for naps. Godmother Rachel stayed though and somehow got “trapped” in the parade when she crossed the barrier. I’m pretty sure she was wasted. When I say wasted I mean drunk. When I say drunk I mean trashed….on drugs, i.e. speedballs.

We didn’t take any pictures because we were all wasted on gay drugs and gay sex and gay gayness. Didn't you know that's what happens?

Graduation ceremonies are like weddings except there are no Djs or people getting married.

2009-06-23T19:53:00.007-05:00

Anna graduated from medical residency this weekend after 4 years of Psychiatric training. We are all very proud of her.

Residency is where doctors go after medical school once they decide on a major. Surgery residents will most likely kill someone before finishing...probably an old person.

Anna’s parents and sister came into town and we all went to the dinner/awards ceremony at the Hard Rock Hotel.

Before entering the room we passed a mannequin dressed in tights and scarves that resembled Steve Tyler from the band Aerosmith. There wasn’t a plaque or anything identifying the likeness so I was a bit suspicious.

I can imagine someone in management totally being like, “We don’t have any memorabilia in this dumpy hotel, go get an old mannequin from Macys and then buy some spandex and cheap scarfs at Marshalls and stick it outside this room”. At night the mannequin comes alive and falls in love with the cleaning person and they have sex.

The ceremony was so much fun if you like long speeches about people you don’t know. After about two hours of stuff Anna was called to the stage to win the Teacher of the Year Award for being a great teacher to the less educated doctors. It came with a cool pin but no money.

Later, Anna was called again to the stage and for her diploma. But first, the director of the faculty department gave Stella and Xavier each a certificate! They didn’t even have to go to medical school.

Stella and Xavier weren’t there though, since it was past their bedtime. Anna accepted the certificates on their behalf.

Anna then stood around on stage for a little while longer because they forgot to actually give Anna her diploma. Eventually she had to ask for it.

Here is the text from the certificate Stella and Xavier got. It sounds so important.

Yaya bought them these chairs. Xavier's chair is a little higher. He's not that much taller than Stella. Stella is falling off at this moment but we're still trying to get the picture so we ignore it.

Yaya also bought them these beach toys. We had to let Stella sleep with a shovel and that orange thing for three nights in a row to keep her from throwing a tantrum. She banged on the side of her crib with it for hours.

This picture shows that Stella is cute. Xavier tries to grab the bow out of her hair because he thinks it looks stupid.

Xavier had his hair cut, no ..I mean he had them all cut....and he got his ears lowered

2009-06-14T20:10:00.018-05:00

Two weekends ago, Xavier got his first haircut. Stella did not get her first haircut because we are sexist and believe girls should have long hair. Also, her hair didn't grow as long as blondie’s.

We took him to this local Serbian-run haircut place because cuts are $10 and they chain smoke out the back of the store. Should we have taken him to one of those expensive, kid's haircut places instead? No! That is stupid. Serbians come first.

There is only one guy that works at this place and he cut Xavier’s hair. I don't know what his name is because I didn't ask. We were morons taking a lot of pictures while we left our other child sitting in a double stroller in the middle of the hair place.

Oh, well...who doesn't love a kid’s first haircut?!? It's something you never forget like your first space shuttle trip to the moon or getting your super powers when a nuclear reactor malfunctions.

The before picture with thumb in mouth

The chair plus booster seat.

Xavier with too much hair.

Getting ready.

He was so good. By this point we thought he'd stab someone with the scissors.

Right now Xavier is starting to realize his cookie is under the cover in his hand.

Mommy helping him get his cookie.

There's the cookie.

Xavier is now ready to play that cute kid who is brought onto a failing sitcom during the last season to save the show from being cancelled.

He's pointing at himself in the mirror.

A few more clips in the back.

All done and still eating his cookie.

..and here's some of Stella. She's playing a maraca we got in Jamaica. Stella wants to be in an all girl band of maraca players. They will be called "Mascara" and I will manage them until I get fired during the making of their third album.

Babcia bought stella these shoes. She had a little trouble walking in them. She kept falling. That's how I knew.

I have things to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-03T21:48:00.006-05:00

I've been too busy lately to update this awesome blog. I know that makes your life suck more than usual. So, here's a video of what happens when Anna does the bedtime routine.

This past weekend we had so much to do, just like the president of the United States.

2009-05-12T22:01:00.013-05:00

On Saturday Aunt Duda was in town to help watch the kids while our dear friends PK and Colleen got married. The wedding was sweet. It was in a Catholic Church even though the couple lived together and had sex.

During the reception we were seated next to a really drunk woman. She was with her third husband who was very old and could have died at any minute.

We’ll call her Ginger because that is her name. I tried to have a conversation with Ginger but she kept looking right passed me so I gave up. Finally our friend sitting to the left of Anna introduced herself to Ginger, who was sitting to my right. Anna followed and introduced herself.

Ginger then looked back at our friend and said, “I don’t think we met. I’m Ginger.” Our friend looked at Anna, “Didn’t I just introduce myself to her?” No one said anything. But said friend was loud.

Ginger then leaned over, whispered something to her husband, held tightly onto his old arm, and without a word they both stood up and walked out. We never saw them again. I think she got lost at sea.

Then, a 20 something woman sitting across from us started dancing on the stage while the band played and her boob fell out! This wedding was awesome!

Fast forward like a tape player….

Sunday was mother’s day. Anna deserved mother’s day like no other; unlike some mothers that leave their kids at bus stations.

We got the kids up around 7:30am and headed out to Mother’s Day breakfast at Latitude.

It took about a minute upon sitting down for Xavier to decide he didn’t want to be in his high chair anymore. We let him run around the restaurant and annoy other people until he stuck his hands in the flower pot. Then I tried to give him away as a tip but the server said that was illegal.

Ok, I’m tired of writing and tired of you so here are some pictures bitches with captions to round out the weekend update.

After Mother’s day breakfast we headed over to the Buddhist temple to get the kids blessed. Each year during the Buddha’s Birthday Celebration there is a children’s blessing. Since we had too much to fit in, in one day we decided to skip the morning nap for the first time ever.

Things were going peachy until it was Xavier’s turn to get blessed. He threw a mini-tantrum, grabbed Sunim’s (the priests) meditation beads and broke the end off. He’ll be reborn as a rock.

Stella was charming. She winked at Sunim and held out her arms so he could pick her up. Stella didn’t want to come back to us. I think she was mad that we skipped her nap.

...out of control kids, parents and grandparents, keeping it real.

Anna said they have to wear these hats to prevent sunburn. That is the stupidest thing ever said in the world. The sun is in space with the Enterprise.

Mommy and the baby monster.

Stella likes to hold milk in one hand and water in the other. She switches between the two. Xavier won't even hold one cup! He still makes us hold it for him.

This would make an ok movie or it won't most likely never

2009-05-03T20:54:00.008-05:00

Eventually the kids will start talking because this crying thing when they want something is growing old and it reminds me of rich kids from The Hamptons.

Those same kids that took ballet lessons all their lives until one day they meet an inner city youth who teaches them about street dancing. They go on to win the whole competition and save Miracles and/or get into dance school and the parents finally accept their interracial relationship.

Xavier cries just like this. Lately it’s because he wants mommy and only mommy. If I wasn’t already an awesome person with high self-esteem I might have a complex about this. But I don’t, because I’m awesome as mentioned in the previous sentence.

This all started with the daily routine. Usually we switch our primary kid every other day. For example, if on Monday I get Xavier up in the morning and changed, then Anna gets Stella. We would switch on Tuesday and I would get Stella and Anna would get Xavier. The same goes for baths.

But now, every time I try to get Xavier in the morning he holds out his arms and cries until Anna takes him. The only explanation I can come up with is he’s screwed up.

We usually give in to his demands because Xavier can kick, scream and cry until there are no more gay priests.

On the other hand, Stella is happy no matter what. Really. She laughs at EVERYTHING; even George Lopez. That’s why we call her "good baby with bad taste" and Xavier is called "bad baby". Is that mean? No, it isn’t, because he should treat his parents equally.

If he doesn’t treat me as an equal, I will shed a single tear and give a long winded, melodramatic , nonsensical declaration about no longer having a son while he begs me not to turn my back on him.

If I make this into a movie think The Jazz Singer with breakdancers. What can I say, I like breakdancers. Oh, and I like Kate Bush. She will sing on the soundtrack.

This is how meals go.

2009-04-27T13:10:00.007-05:00

- Put kids in booster seats

Xavier: Starts crying because he wants to play with the Tupperware lid

- Give Xavier the Tupperware lid.

Stella: Starts crying because she wants a Tupperware lid

- Give Stella a Tupperware lid

Xavier: Takes Stella’s Tupperware lid

Stella: Gets angry and tries to take Tupperware lid back from Xavier

Xavier: Hits Stella on the head with Tupperware lid.

Stella: Starts crying

- Take Stella out of booster seat.

Xavier: Throws Tupperware lids on ground. Starts crying.

Stella grew up so fast! She even knows how to multiply fractions and play the accordian.

Notice Roxie hiding in her cage. The kids like to play in Roxie's cage and Roxie isn't too happy about it.

Our little baby Xavier grew up to be a tan dance machine in a blue-green striped romper. Do they make rompers like this for adults? I need to get one so I don't have to keep matching my pants to my shirts.

Grandfather

2009-04-23T19:31:00.007-05:00

My grandfather passed away last Tuesday. He was a very easy going, fun guy who lived a long life. We'll miss him very much.

Born February 26, 1921 - Passwed away Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Yes this is a lot of pictures. They turned 1, so there.

2009-04-10T20:21:00.009-05:00

Hmm, Stella was renamed Scella for the cake. Someone will pay for this with their thing they pay for things with!

They hated the birthday hats. I think the feather thing around the rim really set them off.

Once the hats were removed they were not very happy about their party.

Xavier is still not happy but he did eat the cake. Stella mostly squeezed it in her hands and threw it at people that pissed her off.

They got wrapping paper for their present. It was all we could afford after a year with twins.

Stella wears dresses everyday especially when she plays in the dirt at the park.

Anna found a doll named Stella for Stella the human. It comes with a magnetic removeable pacifier and a streetcar...named desire...driven by Marlon Brando...ok, someone stop me.

Stella being held up by some woman hiding behind her.

Anna telling Stella why her underwear should match her outfit even though people can't see it.

There is a Polish tradition of putting a bunch of items on a tray and the one the kid chooses predicts what they will be in the future. Stella and Xavier picked the shot glass instead of money (wealth), book (education), condom (hooker)...etc. Stella and Xavier will grow up doing body shots.

An hour later Stella is still drinking.

How did this kid come out so blonde and light skinned? I wonder if he'll grow chest hair just to prove we're related.

Xavier was tired after his party. He did a few shots and went to bed.

It’s been a year and no one died from exhaustion or a laser beam for that matter

2009-04-03T11:47:00.003-05:00

Hey internet.

I wanted to post a quick update to mention that Stella and Xavier are 1 year old today! Actually, Stella is 1 at 9:00pm tonight and Xavier at 9:01pm.

Last year at this time Anna was almost in labor for 14 hours. Hurray for labor.

Our House in the Middle of Our Street

2009-03-27T13:08:00.019-05:00

I’ve been trying to get something posted for a while but I keep running out of time even though time is relative and I could slow it down by running really fast

The kids turn a year old in about a week and they are very excited.

Anna’s mom got them a big playhouse for their birthday and it arrived last week. I got tired of looking at a big box in the living room so I put the thing together so I could look at a big plastic house instead. It’s hard to hide a big plastic house so it was inevitable they’d be getting this gift early.

I used my new drill for the project and let me say, for the first time since the operation I felt like a real man. ..or woman? I can’t remember what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m thinking of this documentary I saw about Thai boys. Forget it…either way, I drilled something.

I finished putting the house together while the kids were napping. It’s beautiful. There’s a doorbell (which I still need to get AAA batteries for), and range (it doesn’t work), a sink (it doesn’t work) four windows and a door. There is no toilet, dishwasher, refrigerator, oven or central air.

Xavier woke from his nap. It didn’t take him long to figure out the plastic thing decorated with primary colors, looking completely ridiculous was a new toy.

Anna showed him the little sitting area inside and put him on the seat. Now, he tries to push himself onto one of the “chairs” each time he goes into the house. His feet don’t quite touch the ground so he has a hard time positioning himself. Just like dad.

Stella woke up about an hour later because she sleeps like a pill popping stay at home mom. She noticed the house, crawled inside and immediately took the fake phone off the hook. Xavier didn’t even notice the phone.

Stella called all her friends to tell them about her new house so they’d be jealous because that is what girls do! Didn’t you know that?

Xavier eventually noticed the phone since his sister was talking on it all the time. To keep them from fighting we had to put the other toy phone in the house. Yes, there is something wrong with us.

Xavier has the house phone! You can see the other "cell" phone on the sink by Stella.

This is the view through the front window of the house.

Auntie Rachel, Xavier's godmother, gave the kids these stools for their birthday. They have no idea what they are but they love them.

Roxie and Bella. They like to watch the kids from the top of the stairs.

Stella kissing Xavier. Most of the time one of them ends up biting the other and someone starts crying.

Oh boy. Anna decided the kids needed leg warmers. Notice that Xavier's leg warmers have flames. I really don't think this look is working for them.

I'm a candy cane, albeit a cute one.

Xavier did love his tights. Apparently, per that look on his face, he is ready to get into trouble.

I'm not causing any trouble just go away losers.

Meat causes erectile dysfunction

2009-03-11T21:49:00.005-05:00

The kids are eating a lot of different foods lately. It’s all vegetarian and organic because we like it that way, but the nanny keeps asking if she can put a turkey neck in everything. No you can’t. That’s gross. Anyhow, how will the turkey live without its neck, murderer?

Stella enjoys a good meal with a cigarette like the rest of us but she does this thing where she eats and eats and about an hour later opens her mouth and a bunch of food falls out. Last time it was chewed up zucchini with a nice helping of black beans.

Really, if she doesn’t like something she should just spit it out right away or cry. Isn’t there a bird that pre-chews food then spits it up for the baby birds to eat? Maybe Stella read something about birds because she can read and she is only 11 months old.

Xavier, on the other hand, likes to eat a lot, much more than Stella. He likes to pick through his food to find the cheese cubes. Luckily, he has kept his slim figure.

I do worry about childhood obesity, much more than I worry about nuclear war or a space alien invasion. So, my plan is to have Xavier get gastric bypass surgery if he gains too much weight. Stella’s thighs are still a little chunky so I’m thinking about some lipo for her.

Not to be outdone, I’m going to get a micro derma abrasion and a full body wax. Anna is already perfect. My birthday gift was just upgraded.

Walking

2009-03-10T19:26:00.012-05:00

Stella took her first steps on March 1st.

Baths are fun until someone pees

2009-03-02T20:24:00.003-06:00

Twins are a lot of work but this video shows why we don't return them.

Evil Babies

2009-02-24T07:22:00.009-06:00

The boy baby is keeping us up at night. He is going through a crazy period of shaking his crib and screaming at all hours. We think he may be coming off heroin.

The book says this is not teething. Teething at night apparently is a popular myth and everyone that thinks its teething is a stupid loser.

Anna said we need to get this because another multiplies family from here uses it. Ok, I trust them but this is creepy.

It’s a fake hand to place on the baby's back if they get up during the night so you can go back to sleep. This is in contrast to standing there with your own hand on the baby's back trying to lull them to sleep.

I like the idea. In a few years when they start talking back I’m going to use it to slap them across the face. They’ll hate the hand but not the hitter. I wonder if the hand is related to the Hamburger Helper hand. …better Google that later. I bet they’re siblings.

In other news, we transformed our basement into a human zoo. Not the kind of zoo which tries to mimic nature but the old kind with fences and concrete where the animals stop mating and eventually die. Anyhow, we put the kids in there.

We used a hodgepodge of adjustable gates to mark off an area of the basement. Then we sold two sofas and used the proceeds to buy a flat panel TV to put on the wall and removed the TV that was on the floor. Now we can let them party like rock stars while we go out line dancing to Personal Jesus.

We are such smart parents. I just winked at myself. You are so awesome. No you are. Oh hush, you are. Stop it, you are more. No you are. God I’m tired.

Here they are in matching pink stripped sleepers. Evil baby is on the right. Look at him!! ...acting like nothing's wrong.

Barf

2009-02-15T21:31:00.017-06:00

Wow, we’ve been so busy working and solving homelessness that we haven’t had much free time lately. Here’s a quick update so your lives aren’t empty. If your life is still empty, take out a picture of me and kiss it.

Both kids can balance on two feet for about a couple seconds without holding onto anything. They’ve each taken at least a “first step."

Stella is refusing to be fed by a spoon and prefers finger food; avocado, black beans, cheese and tofu are her favorites.

She gagged herself like a super model the other day and barfed big-time. More food than could possibly fit in her little stomach went all over the floor and Bella the dog…who was trying to lick it up. Yummers.

I tried to wipe her off with a wet rag then spray her down with doggie cologne, but it didn’t work. I did the same to the dog. God that dog smelled and it wasn't like peaches. It was like barf and broccoli. She got a much needed bubble bath.

Here’s Xavier doing that thing a lot of babies do. Its funnier when he does it himself but I couldn’t get it on video.

Does anyone need him for a commercial so we can make a few bucks on the side? Really, wouldn't you buy something from this kid? ..even cigarettes.

I shot the Sheriff, but he didn’t own a restaurant

2009-02-03T19:38:00.014-06:00

It’s been a long time since my last posting like the long time spent in Vietnam.

So we were in Jamaica for a week getting a much-needed vacation. The kids stayed home with the nanny and partially the mother in-law because they don’t have passports. We also thought we could use an adult vacation.

Just like chocolate without the sugar, Jamaica was bittersweet. Not having the kids around was kind of sad in a ‘wish they were here’ sort of way not an 'I have cancer' sort of way. This is our second time to Jamaica, and we plan to go every year but next time with the kids.

On our first full day, we made it to the beach by 9:00am and were drunk by 9:10am. The maintenance people were selling pot to everyone and their stoned mother. Even the security guard was getting baked. I tried to buy Quaaludes but they just looked at me weird…because of how good looking I am and hairy.

The food was great, by the way, but their interpretations of some ethnic foods were royally off mark. We ordered miso soup from the asian restaurant and were served mushroom soup. It was good but me want my miso, people. The vegetable tempura was strange. I almost kamikazied myself.

Jamaica is funny. It’s so poor and filled with murders yet there are these huge resorts with so many French, British and Germans trying to get down with the Reggae. The Jamaicans really push the Bob Marley image because it’s what people expect; shooting sheriffs and whatnot.

Every night at 9:00pm we were greeted with entertainment on the main stage that was one level above a high school talent show.

On the third night of the show, we were serenaded by a Michael Jackson impersonator who had all his clothes ripped off during his routine. Then, there was a Whitney Houston impersonator doing the Body Guard song and the body guard was beat up by a bunch of people then “peed” on by a man in a dog costume. I did not understand that at all. Why didn’t the dog pee on Whitney Houston?

It took me about half way through the second night to realize all the dancers/entertainers were the workers from around the swimming pool and tennis courts.

Honesty, I think someone in the hotel's management group was like, “hmmm, we don’t have any entertainment or money in the budget. Let’s round up some of those bitches from the pool and have them come up with something crazy.”

Look at my legs. Nice.

We forgot the camera and bought this digital disposable camera. It doesn't work well in low light but Anna still came out looking sweet. Yummers. This is the lobby.

The beach and some hairy guy which is me reading a trashy novel about this serial killer that butchers people in Napa Valley.

This is the pool at the hotel. Those people on the wall are doing water aeorobics. Anna didn't want to join in and I didn't feel like going by myself.

Xavier and Stella are 10 months old!! Still cute. They both can stand and "cruise". Stella finally has teeth. They live in this play area. We never let them out.

Movies of the Year that you can't see at the movie theater where tickets are expensive

2009-01-19T21:55:00.014-06:00

Watch these videos you people. They are better than Cats. I want to see them again and again.

Stella does this dance thing to music. Her rhythm is a little off but we’ll let that go due to her age.

Xavier can stand holding onto the crib. Apparently he finds this really exciting like when you find a nickel on the ground. He can walk all the way around the play area but in this video he stretches out his groin muscles instead.

We started going through old videos and decided to post this one to show how much they have changed. Stella and Xavier must be about 2 months old. I can't remember really. They look weird in a cute way not a Joan Rivers' face lift way.

Goodbye 2008, thanks for having us.

2009-01-10T11:50:00.020-06:00

So, the year 2008 is over and now its 2009. If we were using the lunar calendar it would be year 534343434 and an animal…probably a rat. Rats are gross. They have rabies and bite old people.

In 2008, if you didn’t know already, Stella and Xavier were cut out of Anna’s uterus. She tried to push them out her vagina but after 24 hours in labor it wasn’t happening.

Before the kids came along, we planned, planned and planned…preparing the baby room, getting all the crap some mom said we needed in her book and had the whole house painted. I paint like crap so someone else did it. We heard things like, “your life is going to be over” or “you wait, its gonna suck” but that hardly happened.

Things changed, and it was hard, but I never felt like we gave up our lives. Whatever we gave up was worth it. Definitely not like giving up heroin with its endless cold sweats and shaking. Anna even took a guitar class.

In 9 months Stella and Xavier are sleeping through night, moving around a lot, Xavier stands up and walks holding onto the wall (he skipped crawling all together), Stella says,”dada” and “mama” (although I think the sounds are purely coincidental), they eat finger foods, play together and laugh a lot.

They defecate about a ton of green, or orange or brown poo every day and it smells bad. They stopped breastfeeding a few weeks ago (Xavier bit mommy), Stella is growing thick eyebrows like her dad and they still won’t use a sippy cup.

Some things I learned this year:
1. It’s ok to check your email while your baby cries.

2. Everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your kids and what you’re doing wrong. Just use the internet for advice, it's smarter.

3. You do have time to take a shower everyday, even with a newborn or two.

4) Not getting enough sleep will make you think the world is ending.

5) Marketing companies work your insecurities so that you think if you don’t buy this or that toy your baby will grow up stupid, murder someone and end up in jail.

6) I hate it when little girls are called "princess". Stella is a strong, independent little girl that doesn't need someone to save her. She can save herself, thank you very much. You should see how she smacks her brother on the head.

I'm up, I'm up.

Xavier between the gate.

Stella having all that poo washed off.

Stella is all clean and dressed as a monster.

Xavier reading about animals.

They live in their sleepers. It always looks like they just got up but we're just too lazy to dress them. I wear a sleeper just like this except mine has a panel that opens for my butt.

First Christmas

2008-12-30T19:29:00.014-06:00

We made the trip to Ohio to visit both sets of Grandparents. The kids learned that Christmas is about toys. I don't even remember why people celebrate christmas. It must be like saying, "keep it real" or "kiss my ass"...no one really knows where it all started.

I'm not bragging but these are the cutest kids ever. I mean, come on, they should get their own calendar.

Anna's family got Xavier and Stella an orange giraffe and a car thingy. Right after this picture Stella fell off because she wasn't wearing her seat belt. Yes, we should have combed Xavier's hair.

Stella, reading at a 9 month old level. This book is from Aunt Duda...its about Christmas (aka toys). On each page, every single kid is of a different ethnicity, except Santa is white...and Jewish. weird.

They don't know what to do with this box.

They still have no idea what to do.

Yeh! A caterpillar that teaches about colors. I wonder what toy teaches about sex.

Xavier and his Curious George stuffed animal. It plays a lullaby and the head lights up. We let him sleep with it but then took it away because it lit up the room and woke up his sister.

Who loves Santa? You do little buddy. You do.

These pictures are a little out of order. Stella the clapper. Xavier has five teeth by the way. You can see the big one on top in this picture. Stella has no teeth, just like old people.

Kiss...you're cute. Stella had four dresses for two days. Everyone bought her an x-mas dress.

Aunt Duda and the kids.

Nice tights. Stella can walk but she uses a cane.

Uncle Nick and his favorite nephew... riding a cow. Why a cow? Who makes these toys?

Yaya teaching Stella how to use the phone.... something Yaya knows how to do well.

The Clap is not just another name for Gonorrhea

2008-12-16T19:43:00.003-06:00

Stella has learned to clap her hands together just like after the ballet ends or whenever old people turn off lights.

Not sure why people clap after the ballet, though. All these men running around with bulges in their pants while the audience compares package sizes to see who’s the biggest when finally the god forsaken thing ends and everyone claps; even though it sucked eggs. Wow, the swan swims in the lake and dies. Good story. not.

That’s what Stella does, clap, but she’s not at the ballet. Her bedtime is 6:30ish and the ballet doesn’t start until much, much later.

But I’ll tell you, it really feels great to have someone clapping for you; especially when the clapper has chubby little hands and gets so excited clapping she falls over giggling. Oh silly clapping baby, how I love thee.

There’s going to be a new rule in our house. Whenever someone enters the room everyone has to clap for them; even if they’re a loser we all hate.

Stella, mid-clap.

Peek-A-Boobs

2008-12-07T20:28:00.002-06:00

Xavier learned to peek-a-boo.

Today, we are all Pilgrams and not Native Americans 'cause they lost.

2008-11-30T20:57:00.012-06:00

We celebrated Thanksgiving Day this past Thursday. The holiday originally had to do with the harvest and then pilgrims and then murdering Native Americans for land. Now it’s about getting wasted. Just like Christmas and Hanukah

As is tradition, Anna and I headed to Ohio. The same state that turned blue in the last election. We couldn’t drive five minutes without seeing someone having gay sex or burning bibles or trying to get affordable healthcare.

It took about four hours to get to my in-laws and the kids were really tired from the drive.

Aunt Duda and Anna’s parents were there. Everyone had lunch; it was good, blah… blah… blah, no drama, which makes for a boring post. I’m bored writing this. Each kid passed a big loose poo and we left.

After leaving my in-laws we headed two more hours to my parents place for Thanksgiving dinner. Stella and Xavier got passed around the room. Someone tried to take a hit off Stella’s head until they realized we weren’t passing joints. Its Thanksgiving people not Christmas!

Well, everyone was so happy to see the first kids of the next generation on this side of the family. It’s especially exciting for Anna and me because we still sit at the kid table at my parent’s house.

Once a slot opens up at the adult table we’ll move up and Stella and Xavier can take our spots. I’m not saying someone needs to die I’m just saying someone might need to be the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of alive.

We headed back to Chicago Saturday morning making one more stop at my in-laws. This time the grandmothers were there because they’re only allowed out on Saturdays.

I’ve got to say, the trip was exhausting. Packing up two kids and all their stuff and breaking their routine is difficult.

Stella and Xavier were so worked-up after we got home they cried for a while before I fed them sleeping pills.

Stella and Xavier playing piano. They're playing the Russian Sailor's Dance. I thought it was a little too harsh for the holidays but the kids pulled it off.

My father in-law gave the kids organ stuffed toys. The thing on the ground is a kidney. I think Xavier is holding a pancreas. The stomach is in Stella's lap. There's also a liver. Don't worry, there isn't a stuffed penis.

All dressed up in Thanksgiving Day outfits.

Super Model. You Better Work!

2008-11-22T17:25:00.006-06:00

We had a photo shoot today for our holiday cards. Which one should we use?

stupid people wear glasses to look like smart people that don't wear glasses

2008-11-20T18:55:00.003-06:00

The kids had their first ophthalmologist appointment yesterday. An ophthalmologist is an eye doctor who went to medical school. We were concerned one of them might have inherited lazy eye from their dad.

I had lazy eye at about three years old. The eye was operated on but it’s still so lazy they might have to cut it out and replace it with a web camera. That’s fine, I suppose, since I could go around filming things undercover.

Some disgruntled employee named Bob would pee in the coffee pot and he’d be all “no one will believe I did this” and I’d be all leaning in with my left eye webcam recording everything until pee gets on the lens and it has to be replaced but insurance won’t pay for it and I die blind. The End.

Well, Stella and Xavier are fine. Neither has lazy eye. Xavier does have a stigmata or whatever which means his cornea or retina is broken. I blame his brain. He never sits still…probably bumped it on something.