Wiveliscombe 3rd Team

When the Wivey Lads Go To London Town

2009-06-30T21:18:00.000Z

Mike Phillips Playing Golf

2009-05-23T11:02:00.001Z

We understand that Mike is almost as good as golf as he is at rugby. Here the proof?

Obstruction in Silver Street

2009-05-23T10:47:00.005Z

After a recent obstruction occurred in the road in Silver Street Martin Broome has suggested that the Government should supply jetpacks for the elderly.

This happened after a man from the bottom of Golden Hill on his mobility scooter had to avoid objects on the road and pavement in Silver Street .

This way they don't block the pavements and roads with those slow little machines that they have. This will reduce congestion so will be good for the environment. The elderly may have more fun in their life, more fun than bingo, and as there are no cars in the sky it will be much safer.

He said 'Soon everyone will want jetpacks and the world will be a better place.'

Breaking News

2009-05-22T12:09:00.002Z

More news from our 'Wivey Today' section in tomorrows edition when we interview the Wivey Colts player who recently solved one side of the Rubick's Cube.

Wivey Fireman Fight Pig Flu

2009-04-28T20:09:00.002Z

I hear that Wivey Firemen were sent into the Bear to combat a suspected case of pig flu. I understand from a source that the bar was cordoned off whilst Andy Priest ate all of the Pork scratching whilst Daryl Smith and Neil Higgins went down into the cellar after the Smokey Bacon crisps emerging hours later.

A Spokesperson for the Fire Service praised their bravery " We are concerned about possible side effects especially after the Mexican Chilli they all had at the weekend"

Health experts have suggested that another possible outbreak in Brompton Ralph appears to be the widely-known P19-Luv strain, for which there is no cure.

The farmer a member of Wivey Young Farmers, who runs the farm told officials that his pig had seemed fine two nights ago, but was keen to point out that he had never had sex with her.

Public Servants

2009-02-25T20:39:00.000Z

"Give me a sentence about a public servant", asked Ben Parnell to one of his Bridgwater pupils.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

Ben took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" he asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'.

Fare Revenge

2009-02-10T20:47:00.000Z

An man catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when he complains the driver becomes abusive.

The man resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later the man goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the Nick Wickham that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. Nick goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

The man now gets into the second cab and makes Flicky the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. Flicky also refuses and kicks him out.

So now the man gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off the smiles at Flicky and Nick and gives a big thumbs up…

Advice on Alcohol

2009-02-03T22:05:00.000Z

Martin Aplin on the touchline at North Petherton with two twelve year old girls.

CHILDREN should not be given any alcohol before they turn 15, parents have been warned. Britain's chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson said yesterday that between the ages of 15 and 18 youngsters should drink no more than once a week and only then under strict adult supervision.

He advised that parents who let their children have the odd tipple could be putting them at risk of brain damage and depression, stunting their growth and can cause memory problems.

Some parents are known to give children as young as five alcohol at home. Many families believe alcohol at mealtimes can encourage a responsible attitude in older offspring.

But Sir Liam yesterday said this practice was misguided and "middle class". He said the advice, the first in Europe and possibly the world, was being issued to help clear up parental confusion on safe levels of childhood drinking.

'A lot of people ask me what is wrong with giving children a glass of pinot noir watered down from an early age,' he said

'There is an extremely strongly held belief among middle class parents that it must work'

'But there is no evidence either way. The danger of any misguided attempt to ply children with alcohol is that they get the taste for drinking.'

Lookalikes - Ben 'Henry' Parnell

2009-02-01T21:59:00.002Z

Henry would not permit his photo to be used unless we allowed him to wear a disguise in case in went out in public and was mistaken for a teacher.

Binge drinking encouraged to beat recession

2009-01-31T20:25:00.001Z

Martin Broome has called for pubs and clubs to stay open 24/7 to help the UK spend its way out of recession.

Speaking at the Wite Hart pub in Wiveliscombe he said "People drinking more alcohol will have a knock on effect in lots of ways, more money will be spent at the bar,which will lead to more jobs for council workers who will have to clean up vomit and urine from the streets, also hospitals will employ more staff in A&E. "

"The motor industry will also benifit as more drunks will crash their cars leading to an increase in new car sales."

Ben Thain's Computer Clinic

2009-01-25T10:46:00.003Z

Is your computer running really slowly? Has it been infected by a virus or spyware? Viruses, adware, spyware, worms, hackers, scams, phisher attacks and the list reasons to worry goes on and on.

All these can be real threats so Wivey 3rds have teamed up with Ben Thain to offers hints and tips and general trouble-shooting along with some common questions with your computer.
Please email your questions to wivey3rds@hotmail.com or leave comments below:

So let's take a break and talk about some common questions that shouldn't worry you.

'My computer wont work' - Mike Phillips, Kingsmed Close
Press the on / off switch

'How do I email the Vicar' - M Boome, Silver Street
Dont bother your off to Hell anyway.

'Is internet shopping safe' - Anon, Wivey Ladies
Much safer than you driving to Taunton!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my mum from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey Under 15s
Don't worry you dad has been doing it as well!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my wife from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey 3rds
Blame it on your son !

'How do I sort out problems with my Excel Spreadsheet?' - Estate Agent, Wiveliscombe
Get a real job!

'I have pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' - Kirtsy Bawden, Wivey Ladies
Thats the computer's mouse.

'Can you suggest a good website for me?' - M. Aplin, Church Street
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Highwaycode/index.htm

And my dad?
http://www.caravanclub.co.uk/

'How can I upload pictures of my favorite sheep to my facebook account' - Jimmy, Wiveliscombe Young Farmers
You f*****g Sheepsagger

Stuart Norman - Alcohol, wonder cure for everything.

2009-01-17T20:23:00.000Z

New cure all for the masses gets the thumbs up. In breaking news today it was revealed that alcohol was the answer to all the worlds problems.

Top Wiveliscombe expert Stuart Norman said today, "I have been trying to find all sorts of answers to all sorts of problems when I just had enough."

"I drank 5 cans of Stella Artois and nothing mattered anymore" continued Mr Norman.

His published results revealed that after 6 or more cans he became more handsome, women looked more attractive, he could drive much faster and became incredibly hilarious.

Side effects also noted included a tendancy for violence, extreme nausea and the smell of stale piss.

"The side effects, although extreme, can be easily removed by another session on the lash."

Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip

2009-01-17T15:56:00.005Z

We have exclusive pictures below of Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip.

Mike remarked they are taking the piste, "By the time I learned to stand up, I couldn't sit down."

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult

2009-01-17T10:02:00.000Z

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult, say Britain's teachers,
who struggle to mark the papers.

The national union has called for the scrapping of all exams for children under 10 because of the pressure they put on teachers. Its got so bad that some teachers might have to cancel one of their skiing trips!

"We really struggle to mark the exams, because we don't have the time and don't know the answers. " said teaching spokesperson Ivan O'Level.

" When we went to school, no one corrected our spelling, made us do our homework or taught us to add up without using our fingers, so why should we be expected to know the answers to these exams?

"How can we mark the papers if we don't know what marks to give? Not only that, we struggle to add up the number of questions the children have got right."

Ted Todd, a junior minister at the Department for Children, Schools and Families, said it is a disgrace that teachers are not clever enough to teach children. "Something should be done," he said, "to ensure that today's children do not grow up to be tomorrow's stupid and uneducated teachers."

Church Expulsion

2009-01-01T12:01:00.006Z

Martin 'Steptoe' Broome was thrown out of church during this year Christmas Eve might mass service. After interrupting the Vicar sermon and lecturing him on charity begins at home and unmarried mothers, Martin was escorted out the St Andrews door.

We can not fully understand why he was in the church whilst the pub were open - Perhaps he was planning a wedding?

When questioned about the incident he commented " I hear hell is like cross between Pete Thompson's classroom and my toilet after Graham's been in there, but at least its warm this time of year"

Ivor's Comment:

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

New Year's Honours list leaked

2008-12-31T14:57:00.000Z

A Buckingham palace spokesman was said to be livid that news of some of this year's New Year Honour recipients had leaked out. The spokesman was said to be especially incensed as he had intended selling it to the Sun himself tomorrow.

The list, full of OBEs (Other Buggers Efforts), MBEs (May Be Essential) and assorted new Lord and Lady honours, recognizes the true worth of many people who are generally too useless to be awarded anything else.

Some of the names appearing on the leaked list this year included:

*Tommy Acock for services to comedy.

*Andy Priest for his contribution to his bank account.

*Benji Stevens for managing to avoid pushing the the scrums for the last twenty five years.

*Fyffes News for helping the public save money with their special 52-week sale

*Mike Phillips for demonstrating that even people who have the IQ of a telegraph pole can get on in life.

*Wivey Ladies for their contribution to 'This is why we should ban karaoke' appeal

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was said to also be a little miffed, especially as the misplaced names weren't on a disk or hard drive and weren't lost by a government department. He said that it was the Government's responsibility to be careless with names and personal details, not the Royal Household's.

Estate Agents Repossessed

2008-12-31T14:52:00.001Z

Tens of thousands of estate agents have lost their jobs since the start of the credit crunch, according to pointless research which highlights how the housing crash has wreaked misery across the economy.

Up to 80,000 of estate agents that were ripping of first time buyers & buy to let investors eighteen months ago are now eating economy beans & less fillet mignons since they were made unemployed due to the downturn.

Out of work estate agents have also been seen tramping the streets of Wiveliscombe making valuations of all the best begging spots & showing bottom end clients round bijou skips & bespoke cardboard boxes.

In a survey homeowners with crippling mortgages said that although they may lose their homes the fact that so many estate agents were now in the gutter made the pain easier to bear. "Every cloud has a silver lining" was the general consensus across the board.

Bampton Mother

2008-12-26T20:30:00.000Z

A single mother from Bampton went into the Jobcentre Plus to ask for help. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

YMCA - School announces new head

2008-12-20T11:59:00.000Z

TAUNTON School deputy headmaster Jimmy Beale is to become head of Taunton Prep School.

He will replace Michael Anderson in January 2010 after ten years at the helm.

Mr Beale is already involved in the prep school as a parent, RE teacher and rugby referee.

He is a former police constable in Plymouth, but turned to teaching in 1992 He said: “Taunton Prep School is an amazing place - it gives confidence and structure to the young in an incredibly positive and supportive environment.

“The education is inspirational and teachers have a passion for ensuring that the journey and educational transition from very little to more mature is smooth and rewarding.”

Mr Anderson said it would be a “great wrench” leaving after ten years.

“There is so much that I will miss,” he added.

“Jimmy will work with the excellent staff to ensure that the School moves forward in a dynamic and exciting way without losing its essential ethos.”

Taunton School headmaster Dr John Newton said: “Michael retires after bringing the school to national recognition for its arts, sport and quality of teaching and learning.

“He will be sadly missed - his wisdom, calm and wonderful humour have all been deeply appreciated.”

CBI suggests bonus scheme for job botchers should be available to all British workers

2008-09-27T11:48:00.003Z

Martin Broom President of the Wivey CBI (Cow Boys & Indians) recently suggested that all British companies should introduce special bonus schemes for poor and shoddy workmanship.

With general state of the banking sector where bosses of failing banks are still receiving large bonuses he suggested in the Bear that they certainly did not deserve these 6-figure bonuses.

However, because the club membership of the Wivey CBI also boasts useless and over-paid managers in other business sectors, it was felt that the bonus system for shoddy work and foul-ups should be extended to all.

President of the CBI, said:

"There is growing unrest amongst Wivey's sloppiest and shoddiest workers that they are not being given recognition for their incredibly poor performance and business-ruining practices. Why shouldn't they also receive thousands of pounds for their incompetence?

"For example, when your child's teacher helps him fail their exams, give him a bonus. When you bank manager leaves your personal details outside the bank in a skip and your identity is stolen, give him a bonus.Or if someone drops a try scoring pass in a game of rugby, well give him a bonus on a incremental scale such as a packet or crisps or a pint of beer .

However under this scheme it is not clear how the education authority will be able to afford Ben Parnell's salary but it is rumoured that Mike Phillip's has already been offered life membership of Wivey RFC for his past performances.

"More bonuses all round I say."

Chester Locke

2008-09-17T21:16:00.003Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7619715.stm

Two lovers banished from each other's sight when they conceived an illegitimate child nearly 40 years ago have been reunited by their daughter and are to marry.

Christine Orchard, 57, and Chester Locke, 64, from Taunton, Somerset, fell in love after meeting at a youth club in 1965.

Mrs Orchard discovered she was pregnant two years later, aged 16, but her mother said she could only keep the baby on the condition that she cut Mr Locke, then 21, from her life.

The daughter they had together, Tracey Orchard, now 40, decided to hunt down her birth father 12 years ago, moved by the death of her grandparents.

Together at last: Tracey Orchard (far left) reunited her parents Chester Locke and Christine Orchard who were forced apart for having Tracey out of wedlock

But she never dreamed her parents would fall in love all over again and that she would be at their wedding, due to take place in a fortnight's time.

Mrs Orchard told BBC Points West she was delighted to be marrying her childhood sweetheart after social stigma kept them apart for so long.

The former shop assistant said: "Being an unmarried mother back in the 1960s was still frowned upon. My parents decided they would bring the baby up but I had to sever all contact with Chester."

Tracey Orchard said her first motivation for the search was to dispel rumours that her father was a "waste of space". She was amazed when the romance rekindled so quickly.

She said: "My intention was to get him to meet his grandchildren and great-grandchild. I'm shocked but it is lovely. It's wonderful to see them where they should have been 40 years ago."

Mr Locke, who works in a saw mill, joked: "I'm a bit angry at her for making me wait!"

He was told never to contact Christine or his daughter Tracey - who was raised by her maternal grandparents - and went on to marry another woman and raise his own family.

But Tracey, now 40, set about rebuilding her broken family following the death of her grandparents and staged a surprise meeting between Ms Orchard and Mr Locke.

And despite their long and difficult separation, the pair - who were both divorced - fell head over heels in love for the second time - 40 years after their relationship ended.

Incredibly Christine, now 57, and Chester, 64, are set to marry later this month and fulfil their lifelong dream of living side by side.

Ms Orchard, of Taunton, Somerset, said: 'There was always quite a lot of hoo ha about Chester because of the age difference.

'When my parents found out I was pregnant my Mum and her sisters went into a room and basically decided my future.

'They told me that if I wanted to I could keep the baby and they would bring her up, but I had to stay away from Chester.'

Family ties: Christine Orchard holds daughter Tracey

Retired shop assistant Ms Orchard added: 'Mum told me that if I saw Chester in the street I should walk away, so I didn't see him again for 35 years.'

Ms Orchard fell pregnant aged 16 after a whirlwind romance with local 'heartthrob' Mr Locke, an engineer who worked in her local launderette in Taunton.

But Ms Orchard's late parents Flossie and Fred 'ruled with an iron rod' and insisted the pair were separated for ever.

Christine was allowed to keep the baby on the condition that neither had any further contact with Mr Locke.

Mr Locke eventually married and bore another daughter, Amanda, who is now in her 30s.

Meanwhile, Ms Orchard married in 1972 and produced three children, Russell, 35, Nicky, 31, and Ryan, 27.

She separated from her husband in 1998 before divorcing him last year.

Mr Locke also separated from his wife and divorced in 2007.

But when Fossie and Fred died 12 years ago, mum-of-two Tracey moved out of the family home and began thinking of ways to reunite her parents.

Single Tracey, who lives with daughters Jennifer, 21, Alison, 17, and son Christopher, 15, said: 'I was always told my Dad was a waste of space but I needed to find out for myself.

'After all, everyone changes in 35 years. After my grandparents died I lost a big part of my life and I wanted to fill in the gaps.'

Tracey finally tracked down her father, who still lived in Taunton, in 2003, but both he and her mother were still married.

She secretly kept in touch until Ms Orchard's marriage - like Mr Locke's - broke down and Tracey arranged for a surprise meet at the local pub.

To Ms Orchard's amazement and delight, Mr Locke had also been asked to come and the long-lost pair set about rebuilding their relationship.

Grandmother-of-two Ms Orchard said: 'When we met up that first time we were talking and laughing so much we didn't leave for five hours.

'It felt very safe going back to someone I already knew. I suppose in a way we were reliving our youth.'

Mr Locke, who works in a saw mill, popped the question earlier this year and the couple are now set to wed on September 27 at a chapel in Taunton with family and friends.

He said: 'We've made our mistakes but she's the love of my life and I couldn't be happier.

'If you'd have told me ten years ago that I'd be marrying Christine after all these years I would never have believed you, but here we are.

'Getting married means a lot to me. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together as man and wife.'

Tracey added: 'I think it's going to be a new beginning for the whole family.'

Become a teacher

2008-09-17T21:16:00.002Z

I Predict.............

2008-09-02T15:01:00.000Z

Olympic Chiefs have decided to include Farting into the London 2012 Olympic Games.

2008-09-01T21:28:00.000Z

The Olympic Panel Committee agreed unanimously that if they were going to have silly events like Gymnastic Ribbon Twirling & Synchronized Swimming in the Olympics, then Farting is a viable option.

The event will include many different disciplines of Farting: Men's, Women's and mixed doubles catagories. 3 judges will award points for Odour, pitch, tone and style of delivery. A shit is immediately disqualified. Each competitor will be randomly tested for banned substances such as: Sprouts, Curry, Chilli, Bombay Mix and Baked Beans.

There are several Catagories: Freestyle, Power Endurance, Synchronized Formation, Squat-thrust, Power Blast & Marathon.

6 times UK Champion, Stuart 'The Trumpet' Norman from Wiveliscombe is thrilled, he said

"it'll be fantastic to represent Great Britain in 2012. Efforts must be doubled and I am gonna practice every day and it'll be nice to be around people me again".

Seb Coe, who himself is known to be quite handy in the trouser department and regularly 'turns out' for his local pub team, has welcomed the news. "It's going to be a tremendous spectacle", said Lord Coe "I've already booked The Gas Club in Croydon. We will need to improve the ventilation though

I'd do anything

2008-08-26T21:52:00.003Z

Here we see Ben Parnell at the BBC auditioning for the role of Nancy and one three youthful proteges to play orphaned urchin Oliver in the new Cameron Mackintosh forthcoming West End production of Oliver!

It is not known whether he tried out for the part of Oliver or just wanted to be a Nancy .

Unfortunately he did not get the callback and was recommended by the panel for the part of the Tin Man in Wivey's production of The Wizard of Oz.