Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker

Independence Day

2009-07-04T14:29:00.009-05:00

July 4 is Independence Day in the U. S. A. We have lots of cook-outs, family gatherings and fireworks displays to attend. Many people spend time in their back yards with family and friends or go swimming, fishing and boating on our many lakes.

Some of us use this day to declare our independence from our abusive past. Some of this comes out in blogs such as "Surviving By Grace" which posted the following article she called Declaration of Independence. I have been reading Colleen's blog for awhile now. Colleen is a woman of great courage whom I have come to admire as she handles her struggles toward independence from an abusive father. Her words are heart felt and full of courage and strength. Her journey hasn't been an easy one as she struggles to reconnect with her personal power. You can find Colleen's personal Declaration of Independence at the following link: http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/06/declaration-of-independence.html . When you visit Colleen's blog, take the time to read the articles that tell of her journey to reach the point of declaring her independence.

Over the past few weeks, I have been sorting through some of my old writings looking for a particular few pages that are still eluding my searches. Instead I found a Bill of Rights list that I wrote for myself over 10 years ago that I want to share with you now.

BILL OF RIGHTS

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, have the right to be protected from active or passive abuses including physical incest, emotional incest, physical battering, verbal abuse and any other violation of physical or emotional boundaries.

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, should not have been subjected as a child to the following abuses: physical and emotional incest, verbal abuse, slappings, spiritual abuse and the violation of my physical and emotional boundaries.

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, give myself my assurance as an adult that I will never allow myself to be subjected to these abuses again, either at the hand of others or by my own hand.

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, will never knowingly inflict upon any other child these or any other passive or active abuses. The children I come in contact with, by my procreation or the procreation of others, deserve, as I did, to be protected from boundary violations and other inflictions that will damage their self-image or otherwise hinder their development into confident, healthy adults capable of loving and being loved.

The idea for the above Bill of Rights probably came from the book, Love Hunger Weight-Loss Workbook written by Dr. Frank Minirth, Dr. Paul Meier, Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Sharon Sneed. The other papers that I found with this page were dated as being written on October 20, 1993.

Writing a Bill of Rights or a Declaration of Independence is all about reclaiming your personal power from the abuser. It is about taking on the responsibility of your own growth. One of my favorite bloggers from Australia, Craig Harper who writes the blog "Renovate Your Life" resently wrote two articles on personal power. You will find his articles at the following links:

Taking Back Your Personal Power (Part 1) found at http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development/taking-back-your-personal-power-part-1/

Taking Back Your Personal Power (Part 2) found at http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development/taking-back-your-personal-power-part-2/

I hope that those of you who live in the U. S. A. had a wonderful 4th of July holiday and didn't eat so much food that you were miserable afterwards. My husband was out of town for July 4-5 so I spent the day with my sister who is visiting from Texas for a few days and my son. It was a quiet day that I enjoyed spending with two of my favorite people.

Patricia

Grieving---A Necessary Process For Healing found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/05/grieving-necessary-process-for-healing.html

True Independence Comes From In-dependence found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/true-independence-comes-from-in.html

Independence, Not Just For A Day found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/independence-not-just-for-day.html

Intimidating, Wanting To Be Right

2009-06-28T11:49:00.004-05:00

Itimidating, wanting to be right---do I come across that way to you?

If I do, I apologize. That is not my intent with this blog or the many comments that I leave on the blogs of others.

I had a conversation with a friend recently and she told me that I end most of my conversations with her with the word "So." She says that she believes that I do it subconsciously. I do it so often. I asked her to say something about it when I do it. She is right. I do it without thinking about it. I even caught myself starting to say "S0." at the end of my next statement to her.

Here are my thoughts on the topic:

I can use the word "So?" as a question to get you to voice your opinion.

I can use the word "S0." followed by a blank space to give me a moment to think of the next word or statement that I want to say but lost in my train of thought. I have a lot of senior moments where I lose my whole train of thoughts. I have a mind full of thoughts that I want to share so they get jumbled sometimes because I can't say them fast enough, especially when I am excited about something.

I can use the word "So." hoping to stimulate your own thought processes on the topic.

I also use the word "So." hoping to gently help my friend come out of her comfort zone and grow with me. Maybe that is wrong. I just like her company on my path. Maybe that is a part of controlling that I still need to stop doing. Relationships can be so confusing sometimes, maybe most of the time.

I have struggled with the ego part of me that wants to be right all of the time. I may still be slipping back into that as my friend thinks I am. I don't consciously say, "I am going here. I am right. You are wrong." Sometimes I do still act without thinking about it. I need to pay more attention to my thoughts and my motives.

Most of the time I choose to see our viewpoints as being different, no less right or wrong than the other person. I don't have to convince the other person that they are right and I am wrong. How dull would we all be if we thought the same way about everything? Differences are stimulating in a person and in a conversation.

I don't have to change you and you don't have to change me.

The above is an example of how my thought processes work. I can see that we both can be right in our assessment of my use of the word "SO." I can see where we can both be wrong in our assessment of our conversations.

I don't know what you think of this as subject matter for an article unless you leave a comment and tell me. All of the above was in my head and needed to get out. Thanks for listening.
Patricia

As A Survivor, I Had To Learn To Take Care of Myself

2009-06-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

Today my blog went over the 200 mark with subscribers for the first time. Thanks to all of you who are reading my blog. I appreciate you and your comments.

As an incest survivor two of the things that I have had to learn to do are feel my emotions and take care of my body so that it doesn't get sick. Sometimes I do good with these two and sometimes I slip back into old habits of numbing feelings and ignoring how my body feels.

This week my emotions have been all over the place. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting and told everyone that I was mad, no, that should be "MAD" at the world. If you said hi to me this week, that was reason enough for me to get mad at you. I haven't figured out where all the anger is coming from yet but I know who my target was---my husband. How do I know? Two of my friends who never agree on anything both told me so. Also my exasperated husband finally asked why I was being so mean to him. I didn't say much to his yesterday because I knew the words would come out angry. I went to an Al-Anon meeting instead. At one point in the meeting last night, I told the group that me admitting that I was angry was such progress for me. I was taught as child that good girls don't get angry. That is such a bunch of bull. Getting angry is part of living. So is being sad, being happy, being hurt. I learned not to feel anything. My life was safer that way. That was one of my survival tools that no longer serves me today.

Part of this week, I have been overeating to not feel all of the rage that has been inside of me this week. My awareness of the emotions inside of me came from a dream. I think I have talked about what I call my fear of drowning dreams before. I have had these dreams for most of my adult life, maybe even as a child. In my dream of a few nights ago, I was in a car, possibly a limonsine with at least 3 other people. Someone else was driving. I was at the rear of the car when I saw water over the road in front of us. We didn't stop. Instead the driver drove off the side of the road and straight into the water. I remember being in the back of the car alone and thinking, "I can't swim." I sat and watched the water totally surround the car through the glass of the windows and a sun roof. Next the water is coming from the front of the car inside the car. Just before the water hit me full force, I woke up.

Something that was different in this dream was that I wasn't afraid when I woke up. I was disturbed. What I was was angry. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. from this dream. I didn't sleep well after that. What I remember about the dream is that while I was dreaming it, the dream felt more real than all of my other dreams.

I woke up from a dream the night after in which I remember talking about how real the drowning dream from the night before was, not that it seemed real but that it was real. I am not sure of the significance of that sensation of realness. I haven't experienced it very often.

Water, from a dream class that I took a few years ago, represents emotions. The car represents a part of myself. I wasn't driving it so I feel out of control of some part of my life. Duh. My emotions were out of control this week or at least it felt that way to me. I have gone into the water before but this is one of my first dreams in which I have gone under the water and not instantly waken myself up so some part of me is more comfortable with the emotions. I have worked really hard on feeling my emotions and still sometimes I numb out and stuff them with overeating. Still sometimes it takes me awhile to recognise what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out to me that I am angry (husband and two friends). Sometimes just saying that I am angry is enough to release it. Sometimes I need to talk about it to realize what is going on. As I have said before sometimes dreams can provide a source of healing for me.

This week I have been taking care of my body nutritionally by eating more raw veggies and less cooked veggies. I am also cutting the soy out of my diet because some sources say that soy isn't as good for us as the soy industry wants us to believe. I went to our Farmer's Market for the first time last Saturday. That is an education in itself. I met some interesting people.

I am also resting and not getting out in the heat until I feel better. I am also reading another book. This one is on "The Four Keys to Energizing Your Body, Mind & Spirit" (from the front cover of the book). The book is called Power Healing and is written by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha with a foreword by Dr. John Gray. I am learning ways to shift and harmonize the chi or energy in my body. I used one of the methods to lessen and then do away with a sinus headache that I have had the past few days all from balancing the energy in my body.

I have also been listening to Stephen Halpern's Chakra Suite when I go to bed at night to balance the chakras. All of this is helping me to self-heal rather than self-medicate my body.

One article that I read online a few days ago has some really good tips on paying attention to and taking care of your body. I want to share that site with you. The name of the blog is Rejuvenation Lounge.
http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2009/06/23/24-ways-to-give-your-body-the-extra-attention-it-deserves/ . Check it out for the valuable information that the article provides.
Patricia

Related Articles:
A Week Of Introspection: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/week-of-introspection.html

Fear Is My Friend: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Being Honest With Myself: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/being-honest-with-myself.html

How Dreams Can Help You Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-dreams-can-help-you-heal-from.html

Dreams Can Teach Us About Ourselves: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/dreams-can-teach-us-about-ourselves.html

Raw Salad Dressings: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/raw-salad-dressings.html

Link Love And Raw Foods: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/link-love-and-raw-foods.html

Revisiting Forgiveness

2009-06-21T08:00:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have been a challenge for me to just get through the day. I am processing stuff from the recent family funeral and found that I needed to do some forgiveness work. It seems that forgiveness is always just around the corner waiting to be acknowledged again. Maybe that is why I have written about it so much.

Forgiveness, Done In Layers: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Happy Father's Day, Daddy: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/happy-fathers-day-daddy.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

Prelude To Forgiveness: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Starts With A Decision: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/08/forgiveness-starts-with-decision.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me?: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

You would think with all this knowledge about the forgiveness process that I would be finished with forgiveness by now. Recovery is a journey through all of the layers and believe me when I say that there are many layers to go through. Survivors have layers of emotions that often haven't been dealt with or even acknowledged. Many of us have layers of pain on the physical and emotional levels. Some of these layers of pain get stored in the body. When I first started working on my incest issues in 1989-1990, that Winter I got bronchitis for the first time since I left home in 1971.

When you revisit the childhood abuse, there can be body pains and illnesses that accompany the emotions that come up for you. Recently I wondered if the tiredness that I have been dealing with lately was because I have been actively working on my incest issues again with my writings on this blog. Depression and grieving can be an active part of working on abuse issues. My energy levels have been very low for the past 6-8 weeks or longer. As part of taking care of myself, I went to a Wellness Counselor friend recently to see what he thought might be wrong. He told me that about 8 weeks ago, I came into contact with someone who had Mono. I don't know how to spell the official name of Mono. In layman's terms, it is sometimes called the kissing disease because that is the most common way to get it. No, I haven't kissed anybody besides my family. My friend says that with the Mono, I got Walking Pneumonia. I have been coughing some lately too, mostly at night. He gave me some herbs to help the condition. The past two days my energy levels have begun to get better. I am taking care of myself. I am also doing Reiki for myself each night. As I told another survivor recently, I survived the child abuse and I will survive this too. This is just a minor inconvenience.

Happy Father's Day to all of you dads out there. Have a glorious day unless you choose to do otherwise.

The June Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Fathers and Parents is found at the Picture of Experience Blog at the following link: http://pictureofexperience.blogspot.com/2009/06/june-edition-of-blog-carnival-against.html
Thanks to Cornnut32 for hosting the carnival this month. The Carnival comes with a "trigger warning: please read with caution, as many posts may be triggering to survivors of abuse." Having things that trigger flashbacks is one of the things that many abuse survivors learn to live with throughout their lives. Because of not feeling well recently, I missed the deadline for having one of my articles in this Carnival. I invite you to join me over the next few days to visit each of the contributors to this month's Carnival, read their articles and leave comments of encouragement and appreciation of their courage for each person that participates in this Carnival.
Patricia

Second Anniversary For Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

2009-06-03T12:19:00.006-05:00

June 1, 2009 was the second anniversary of the first article posted on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. Thank you to my just short of 200 subscribers for your support. It has been an eventful ride. I look forward to getting to know more of you as time goes along.

I have had a rather busy first few weeks in June. My husband and I were in northern Louisiana and then Hope, Arkansas for the funeral of his oldest brother's ex-wife. Then we drove to Denver and back in 4 days to move our son's stuff back home. Jeremy has been home for over a year but he left his stuff in storage at his friends' home in Denver until this past weekend. I am ready for the summer to slow down.
Patricia

Why Some People Are Blind To Abuse

2009-05-31T08:00:00.002-05:00

Some people are blind to abuse because it isn't in their experience, so they don't see the signs.

Some people are blind to abuse because they don't want to see.

Some people are blind to abuse because they don't want to see what they already know is happening.

Some people are blind to abuse because to see would be to feel their own pain.

Some people are blind to abuse because to see would mean that they would have to act and they are afraid of change.

Some people are blind to abuse because they don't want the responsibility of doing something.

Some people are blind to abuse because they can't believe that another adult would do such things to a child.

Some people are blind to abuse because they don't want to ruin someone else's life if they are wrong.

Some people are blind to abuse because they don't want to stick their nose in somebody else's business.

Some people are blind to abuse because they just don't care.

Please, please don't be any of the above. Become aware. If you can, do something to make yourself more knowledgable of the signs of child abuse. Do a search online. Learn more about how to stop child abuse. Ask a survivor of child abuse what you can do to help them feel valued and safe. Give your child a hug and tell them you love them. Tell them they can come to you to talk about anything.
Patricia

May Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-05-30T02:05:00.004-05:00

Marj over at "Survivors Can Thrive" has posted the May Carnival Against Child Abuse. There are some very informative articles there written by child abuse survivors like myself. If you are interested in learning more about child abuse, how to prevent it from happening to the next generation of children, or how child abuse can continue to affect your adult life, then go on over to "Survivors Can Thrive" at the following link:
http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/05/remembering-veteran-survivors.html

Here is the word of caution that Marj adds at the beginning of the Carnival articles:
"Trigger Warning: Keep yourself safe as you read. Understandably, child abuse can be a very triggering subject."

The reason for this warning is that most of us who write the articles and some of us who read the articles are Child Abuse Survivors. Certain stories can trigger fear, panic, anger, and even flashbacks in Survivors.

I had some triggers of my own set off over the past few weeks. I have had to deal with a sudden irrational fear of having strangers come into my home. Most of the time I am ok with my husband inviting interesting people that he has met and even some friends into our home. Afterall, he lives here too. I have a few of my friends of my own who have open invitations and come without advance notice.

Because of me writing the recent articles on incest and reading the blogs of other survivors, I have found myself becoming fearful over the past few weeks. That surprised me. I didn't expect it. I told my husband that I know the fear is irrational and I still feel it. I am working through it and telling my husband about it was the first step. As a survivor, I need to feel safe in my own home because as a child, my home wasn't a safe place to be.
Patricia

My Name Is Chris And I Am Three Years Old

2009-05-24T08:00:00.005-05:00

Hi. This is an email that was sent to me on the internet. I don't know who to give credit for the writing and original posting of this poem. Whoever you are, thanks for showing us the worst side of child abuse.

For those of you who are unaware, WAKE UP! This happens everyday somewhere in the world. Silence lets it happen. If you do a search for incest or sexual abuse on the internet, you will find that many of us who have survived childhood abuse are now speaking up and breaking the silence of our own abuse at the hands of our parents, our neighbors, our siblings, our aunts or uncles, grandfathers, someone else that we trusted and sometimes by complete strangers. Today most of us know someone who is living with abuse or who survived a childhood of abuse. If you don't know the signs of childhood abuse, check out this cite that I just recently found thanks to Surviving By Grace ( http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/ ). The site is called Let Go, Let Peace Come In Foundation blog and is found at the following link:
http://www.letgoletpeacecomein.org/ .

Here is the poem that I wanted to share with you. Beware of emotions ahead. The name of the poem is "Daddy ............ it hurts".

"My name is Chris,
I am three,
My eyes are swollen,
I cannot see.

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made,
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better,
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy,
Would still want to hug me.

I can't do a wrong,
I can't speak at all,
Or else I'm locked up,
All day long.

When I'm awake,
I'm all alone,
The house is dark,
My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come home,
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get,
One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car,
My daddy is back,
From Charlie's bar.

I hear him curse,
My name is called,
I press myself,
Against the wall.

I try to hide,
From his evil eyes,
I'm so afraid now,
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping,
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault,
He suffers at work.

He slaps and hits me,
And yells at me more,
I finally get free,
And run for the door.

He already locked it,
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me,
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor,
With my bones nearly broken,
And my dad continues,
With more bad words spoken.

'I'm sorry!', I scream,
But it's now much too late,
His face has been twisted,
Into an unimaginable shape.

The hurt and the pain,
Again and again,
Oh please God, have mercy,
Oh please let it end.

And he finally stops,
And heads for the door,
While I lay motionless,
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Chris,
I am three,
Tonight my daddy,
Murdered me................."

Unknown Author

I know that this is hard to read and it is the truth of abuse. Even if you survive the physical abuse, there are the scars of emotional abuse to deal with.
Patricia

Comments From My Readers

2009-05-17T08:00:00.004-05:00

First of all, I want to say "Thank You" to each of my readers who leave a comment at the end of my posts. Your comments add to the body of my posts. Thank you. Your comments expand my thoughts. I appreciate your sharing of your feelings and thoughts on what I write.

I do not mind having your comments express a difference of opinion. I don't expect everybody to agree with my thoughts and feelings. The world would be a dull place if we were all alike. Differences make me think about things in a different light. I have no problem accepting our differences of opinion. Being a Saggittarian, I even thrive on our differences.

With my topic of incest, I expect feelings to sometimes be expressed quite strongly. I have no problem with that. You should have strong emotions about incest and the perpetrators. Those strong emotions are what will help us to stop child sexual abuse. I want you to feel strongly when I write my posts about incest.

When I write about my spiritual beliefs, I know that some people will disagree. That is fine too. I know that my spiritual beliefs are possibly disturbing to some people because their beliefs are different. My spiritual beliefs are pretty broad for some people and I know that. I am ok with that. I do not expect everyone to agree with me. That is ok.

What I do expect is that if you disagree with me and you express that disagreement, do it with respect for me and for my readers. I resently got a series of three comments from a person who left a comment that was very judgmental and attacked the organization that I talked about in the post. I published the first comment but I rejected that next two. As the writer of this blog, I have that right.

I know that my beliefs are different than a lot of people. I am ok with being different. I am not ok with being told that I am going to Hell for those beliefs. I am not ok with a personal attack on me or those that I write about. All those type of comments do is spread more venom and hatred in the world. I will not allow my blog to be a part of spreading hate in the world. Expressing anger at a person because of his/her actions is not the same thing as bigotry. Bigot according to the dictionary is "One intolerant of or prejudiced against those of differing religious beliefs, political opinion, etc." (The Doubleday Dictionary For Home, School, and Office, Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1975, page 70).

I will not be a part of spreading more hatred into the world. Please be honest and respectful with your comments. Do not attack another person or organization. If you disagree that strongly with my view points, you have the choice to not visit my blog again. Express your opinions and your feelings, just don't attack me with those opinions and feelings. That is abuse and I am not the child who couldn't protect herself. I will protect myself and my readers from your hurtful words.

If you are one of my readers who is a survivor of any form of childhood abuse and are angry at your perpretrators, I am not asking that you monitor your feelings. I know how that anger can feel. That is not what this article is talking about. If you are angry with your perpretrator, feel free to say so in your comments. I want this blog to be a help in your healing. I am not asking you to pretend that you are ok when you are not. I am asking for honesty in your feelings if you choose to leave a comment on something that I have written. You can express feelings without the use of vulgar language. I want my readers who are survivors to feel free to express their feelings. Again, I want to tell you that you are not the ones that this article is written about. You are the reason that I write to share my experience of recovery and hope for a better life. As a survivor, you have the right to have a better life.
Patricia

A Little Girl's Story---Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series---Part 7

2009-05-10T12:00:00.001-05:00

This is a little girl with a story to tell. She lives inside an ugly, dirty yellow wall of fear. From behind this wall she sees a world full of anger and hate. She's crying because she knows this anger and hate also hide inside herself. She sees the reds and blacks of rage. This makes her more afraid because her own anger has been held in for so long. She is afraid if she lets it out, it will consume her. She's crying because it hurts to be so angry. She's crying because no one sees what she feels. No one sees her. She lives inside my head.

She has no mouth because she can't tell anyone about her anger. They wouldn't like her. They would say she was bad. She would be punished. She has no mouth because the screams are silent ones inside her head. She has no mouth to tell others about the abuse. They might not believe her and that would hurt more than the abuse.

She has no feet because she can't run away. Where would she go? She would die alone. She feels so helpless. All she ever wanted was someone to love her. All she ever wanted was to be herself. She would die alone because she is only 3 years old. Even at 11 years old, she still needs her mom and dad to take care of her.

I wrote the original story back on June 23, 1989 one month after I did an oil painting, my first, on feelings. I had read that art therapy was a good way to get in touch with your feelings. I wanted to know what it was like to feel. I had shut down that part of myself as a way to survive the incest when I was a child. After doing the painting, I still didn't feel anything. People that I shared the painting with said that the feelings were plain to see in the painting. I was still a few years away from reconnecting with my feelings but that painting and the words were my first steps in that direction.
Patricia

Swine Flu---Buy Into The Fear Or Not

2009-05-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

If you have had your TV on or read your newspaper this week, all of the headlines are busy predicting the possible pandemic of swine flu this year. Are you buying into the fear? I'm not. I ask each of you who is reading this to stop the fear and send Light out to the Universe.

I am not saying that you shouldn't be cautious with your health. I am saying don't let fear of getting the flu take over your every waking moment. You don't have to do that. Do what is necessary to take care of your health and that of your families. You should already be doing that. Eat healthier. Take your supplements, if you already do. If you get sick, stay home and take care of yourself. If you need to, like I do, get your body in better shape. Get the sleep that your body needs to operate. Drink more water and less sodas, tea and coffee.

Those of you who are reading this article, I am asking that you spend some time in prayer or meditation, whichever feels better to you, or do both. I am. Surround first yourself with a bubble of white light which strengthens your body and shields you from having your energy sucked out of you. It also helps your attitude which is always a plus for me. Use whatever color of Light that your inner voice suggests.

Next I want you to shine that Light on your neighborhood, your city, your state, and your country. Then I want you to send the Light totally around the world lighting up every being and every plant, every body of water that it comes in contact with. See the whole world surrounded by this bright, bright white Light.

Then ask for the help of your guardian angels and spirit guides to make you more aware of your thoughts, actions, and body. To keep your body healthy, you have to be aware of it. To keep your mind happy, you have to be aware of your thoughts. Be pure in thoughts, words and deeds.

Do whatever you methods you use to keep yourself grounded during this time of upheaval and challenges. I like to use the image of being a tree with branches going up into the Heavens and roots going down into the Earth with energy flowing in from the top of my head and up through the bottoms of my feet. Then whenever you think about it today, next week, next month, next year, send out Love and Light from your heart center into the world. See if we can make the world a better and safer place to be.

What are you doing to keep yourself and your family healthy so that you aren't succeptable to the flu or any other illness?

This week I have been on a raw fruits, raw vegetables, drinking only water in a Spring Cleanse. So far this week, I have lost 4 1/2 pounds. This is the fourth day of my cleanse. (Today is Wednesday. The post won't be posted until Sunday.) For the first time in my life, I have eaten nothing but raw fruits and veggies. I have never eaten so much fruit in my entire life as I have the past few days. This cleanse is to flush toxins out of my body and mostly what I am losing is water weight. I needed to do something because my weight was slowly moving upward and so was my blood pressure. I was back to having indigestion a lot. I already knew that eating more raw fruits and veggies would have the indigestion out the door in no time.

The only thing that I have cheated on is my morning coffee. I haven't been willing to let go of that first cup of coffee in the morning when I wake up. Guess what, while I have been on the clease, I have been making my morning coffee and pouring myself a full cup but when I get halfway through the coffee, I don't want anymore. I am leaving the goat's milk out of it except for the second morning of the cleanse. That cup of coffee tasted greasey to me so I am just having a half-cup of black coffee. I did not sit down and make a committment to stop my coffee. Allowing my taste buds to tell me what I like and don't like is how I became a vegetarian to begin with about 12 years ago. When the coffee no longer tastes good, I will stop. If I continue to like the taste and the way it makes me feel, I will continue to drink coffee.

This week I was given another award. Seems to be my week for recognition from the blogging world. I appreciate it so very much. I definitely feel loved during a time that I have needed it. Thank you God and my blogging friends.

This week's award came from the blog Just Be Real. The award is called the Just Being Real Blog Award. Thanks to Just Be Real. You made my day. You will find a list of other bloggers that also were given the award at the following link http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-be-real-award.html .

Surviving by Grace also posted the award winners on her blog. She is one of those who has won the award. Thanks for the recognition. You can find her blog article at the following link
http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-being-real-award.html .

Another new blogger that I have recently met through my comment section of my blog and on other blogs is Jay from the blog Porsidan. You will find Jay's About Me page at the following link where he sharing a little about himself and what the term porsidan means. Then you can go on to read some of his wonderfully written posts. http://porsidan.com/about-2/ I have enjoyed reading his posts this week.

I know you are all having a wonderfully productive and growing week.
Patricia

Echoes Of Childhood---Family Hero Role

2009-04-26T13:00:00.000-05:00

Recently I found myself falling back into a childhood pattern of being the strong one who supports everybody else and doesn't let them or myself see that I am hurting too. I learned this as a child by being put into the role of family hero. I carried it into adulthood by listening to and trying to fix everyone else's problems.

One day in a recovery program, I learned that I didn't have to be anybody's hero and I didn't have to carry the role of the strong one for everybody else either. As you can see, I haven't been doing it perfectly, which is another one of my issues---expecting me to do everything perfectly or I am not good enough. These are all echoes from my childhood.

My brother who is younger than I am called two weeks ago to say that he had been having chest pains for several months. He had gone to the doctor recently and found out that something was wrong with his heart. On Tuesday, April 22, he went to a heart specialist for tests to find out what was wrong. Tuesday evening I called him. He was back home. He had expected to spend the night in the hospital recovering from whatever tests and procedures the doctor decided to do.

The tests showed that he has a 30-40% blockage that is inoperable because it could shift the blockage and cause worse damage. He is on medication to see if stimulating his heart will make any improvements. He was told he can go back to work on May 4.

As soon as I got off the phone with my brother, I started to cry. I was supposed to call my sister but instead called my best friend because I knew she would be ok with me crying. She allows me the space for the frightened child in me to come out and cry. I talked and cried for awhile. My friend listened and gave her support while I talked and cried out my fears. I didn't even know that I needed to cry until the tears started and my throat was clogging up with emotion. I thought I was handling this situation pretty good. I guess I still have room for improvements.

I told my friend that I had to call my sister and let her know what the doctors had told my brother. My friend told me that I could have shared my tears with my sister and let my sister see my vulnerability. That is difficult for me to do because of the hero role that I was given as a child. I realized that my friend was right. That is why I am writing this article. My sister reads my blog. Showing my vulnerability to others, especially my family, is still hard for me to do.

The hero in me still wants to be everything to everybody. She wants to be strong for everybody else and doesn't want to need anybody else. I can't do that. It isn't even realistic to try to do that but I still sometimes catch myself trying to do just that.

Showing your vulnerability is difficult for many child abuse survivors because when you were vulnerable as children, you were hurt. Some part of me still feels that she, no; some part of me still feels that I will get hurt if I am vulnerable. I have to claim that part of me if I am going to heal. I have to go face to face, toe to toe with that part of myself and say, "It is ok. I won't let you get hurt. It is worth the risk of being vulnerable. That is how you let go of the pain."

Last night, I was hurting from all of the stuff that I have stirred up by making the committment to work on my issues again. Memories of feeling hurt as a child came up. Anger came up. My husband offered to sit down and hold me. I said no. I didn't want to be held. I was at war with my own feelings and my own vulnerability. I was angry at my dad for all of the people that he hurt with his sex addiction and his alcohol addiction. I told someone last night that my dad was a mean alcoholic. Then I changed it and said he was mean without the alcohol. The alcohol just made him meaner. I guess when I am ready, there is some more forgiveness work to do on this issue. I am not ready yet. I still have to feel the anger and hurt for awhile before I am ready to let go of it.

I received another award today. This one comes from The Filipina Mom in Denmark. It is called the KISS-ASS Blogger Award. You can find out about this award by clicking on the following link: http://www.filipinamom.com/index.php/my-first-award-the-kiss-ass-award-0552 and from MammaDawg at http://www.mamadawg.com/2008/08/kick-ass-blogger-award.html . I like the KICK-ASS Blogger Award too. In my current mood, it would be Kick-Ass instead of Kiss. Thanks to you, Ana for the appreciation. I am honored to have received the award whatever it is called. Like I have said in my forgiveness articles, being forgiving doesn't mean that I don't still get angry with my parents.

I also wanted to direct you to another article that is posted by Ana which is called "Deafening Silence." Go to the following link to read it: http://www.filipinamom.com/index.php/deafening-silence-0687 . This article talks about a recent visit to a park and is filled with practical information on what to do if you see or even suspect that abuse is happening to a child. The article lists the "Signs of Child Sexual Abuse" which are good to know. Thanks Finipina Mom for your contribution to stopping child abuse in your neighborhood.
Patricia

We Are Here---Survivors

2009-04-22T13:31:00.007-05:00

I borrowed the title of this article from a blog that I want my readers to check out. The blog is called Confessions of an Onion Girl. It is written by a beautiful woman who is a survivor of childhood abuse. You will find her story of abuse at the following link:
http://oniongirl13.wordpress.com/abuse/ .
I warn you, this is not an easy story to read.

I have been reading stories like Onion Girl's for several weeks now online. There is quite a community online now, not like the days that I started my own recovery work from incest in the late 1980's. I thank all of you survivors for the courage that you have to write online about your abuse so that other survivors can find you and know that they are not alone, as I felt for many years.

In Onion Girl's post called "We Are Here", she says, "I realized that in our solidarity we are strong, and in our purpose to heal one another we are united. We are here."

To continue by quoting from Onion Girl's post, "We come from all walks of life. We are doctors, students, drive through attendants, IT specialists and engineers. We are Christians, Buddhists, Pagans, and any other stripe of religion you can think of. We are women. We are men. We are children as young as you can imagine and adults taking our last breaths remembering the crimes perpetrated against us, hopefully with some closure and peace. We are fat and thin, sane and insane, wild and cautious, but most of all, we are everywhere.

We are here.

Wherever you look, we are here. We are in your schools, your homes, your classrooms, and your places of worship. Our faces are written with a common sadness, but also with a common strength. We are in your reflection and in the window looking out at you, seeing you look in at us.
We are here."

I could continue and quote the rest of her article but I won't. I want you, my readers, to click on the following link and go to Onion Girl's blog Confessions of an Onion Girl to read the rest of her post.
http://oniongirl13.wordpress.com/2009/04/15/we-are-here/
Onion Girl wrote this to use in a speech that she was giving the next day on her childhood sexual abuse. After reading this post, you will be aware of how far reaching the arm of abuse is in our world. Everybody is affected by it. With awareness, we can change the world.

In writing her speech, Onion Girl speaks out for all of us who have survived childhood abuse and for those who didn't survive. You hear the stories more and more frequently on the TV news channels of a child who was killed by a parent or friend of the family because they were being punished and it got out of hand, at least that is what the abuser wants you to believe. Too many of our children are dying of abuse. Too many more are surviving and in the silence growing up to live as wounded adults. Most of us stop the abuse with our generation and don't pass it on to our children and grandchildren. Some of us become abusers ourselves. Some of us end the pain with the taking of our own lives. Some of us are strong enough to go on to recover. Some of us continue to live in the pain because we can't find any way out of it. Some of us share our knowledge and pain with others and build a community of love and support for ourselves. The internet has become a very valuable tool for spreading our love and hope for a brighter future for us, our children and the rest of mankind. With knowledge, the abuse can stop. Please help us to stop the abuse. Thank you Onion Girl for writing this informative post. Thanks for sharing yourself and your inner thoughts with the world.

This week, I received two awards. I received a Love Ya Award first from Surviving By Grace at
http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/04/love-ya-award.html and second a Love Ya Award from Heal and Forgive at http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/2009/04/love-ya-award.html . Thank you to both of these beautiful ladies for the honor that they have given me. With both awards, I am in good company. Click on both of the links and check out the other blogs that the awards were given to.
Patricia

How Dreams Can Help You Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse

2009-04-16T13:40:00.009-05:00

From The Complete Dream Dictionary written by Pamela Ball, Chartwell Books, Inc., Edison, New Jersey, 2000, page 324:
"If ideas of rape appear in a dream, then it can be as much to do with violation of personal space as with the sexual act. Sexual rape is unlikely to appear in the dreams of sexually abused children, though the adult may later suffer from nightmares. Rape itself may only manifest when the adult is ready to deal with the trauma. Most rape dreams are based around the need for, or perception of power issues between the male and female."

Why did I search out the above quote to share with you? I had a dream a few days ago in which I was raped. I looked in my dream dictionary for more meaning to the dream than I, alone, may have given it.

This isn't the first dream of rape that I have ever had. Years ago, after I had been working on my incest issues for awhile and was learning about choices, I had a dream in which a man was going to rape me. I remember that there were two men and that I couldn't prevent the rape but I could choose which of the two men were going to rape me. I remember looking into the eyes of both men and making my decision. I knew that one would be kinder than the other. He is the one that I chose to rape me. I woke up in a lot of confusion until I realized that the dream was more about the fact that I had choices, that I could actually choose the path that my life and my recovery was going to take. That is when I really learned that our choices control the path that we take in life. Choices, which I never felt that I had as a child, gave me a sense of freedom that I had never experienced before that dream.

I do believe that many of my dreams are about healing. As small as making the choice of who would rape me would seem to others, for me, it was the beginning of knowing, really knowing, that I could make a better life for myself, a life in which I felt safe and valued. My choices, my opinions mattered. Unless you are a survivor, you may not understand how really big that dream was to me.

In my dream of a few days ago, I didn't see the rape happen. I just knew that I had been raped as well as the other two women in my dream. I may have dreamed about the rape happening but if I did, I didn't carry those memories to my waking state. I remember leaving the two women behind as I walked and cried, walked and cried, walked and cried. I have cried over the years in my waking state with the grief of dealing with my incest issues. I have never cried with the deep, deep grief that I cried in this dream. The grief was so consuming that I can see myself stopping and just crying before starting to walk again until more grief came through.

In the next part of the dream, I found myself walking into a courtroom with people all around. I knew that I was going to tell them about the rape. That is when I woke up. Just as I woke up, I heard the word "justice" and knew that was why I chose a courthouse. I knew that I wasn't going to remain quiet as I did after my childhood rapes by my uncle and dad. I knew that I would no longer be silenced by the men.

I believe that this was a healing dream in that I deeply grieved and I was willing to seek justice for myself whether the other two women did or not. Also, those two women are reflections of female parts of me that are still living in the abuse and afraid to speak for themselves. So there is still some healing for me to do.

I have been taught that numbers are always important in dreams. In my dream there were three women, counting myself. I called a friend who does numerology and asked her the significance of the number three. She told me that the number three is about expression, creativity and the trinity. In this case, I think that the trinity has to do with my healing on the emotional, physical and spiritual levels of my being. Emotional healing also means physical healing because of the tears and pain that my body releases and no longer carries around. Any time that you let go of emotional pain, it gives more room for spiritual growth and love to enter your body and heart.

As my dream dictionary says the rape happened in my dream because I have made the decision to deal with any remaining incest issues that may come up. Because of this dream, I know that my decision is right. Divine timing is always right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my journey.

Thanks to Enola ( http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/2009/04/wear-blue-on-friday-child-abuse.html ) and Surviving by Grace ( http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/ ) for letting me know that April is Child Abuse Prevention Month across the U. S. Use this month to make yourself more knowledgable about the signs of Child Abuse and how you might be able to do something to save a child.
Patricia

Purpose and Personal Power for Incest Survivors

2009-04-09T12:12:00.007-05:00

The past week was rather hectic for me. We had family come to visit for 3 days just before we left Hot Springs for a weekend trip to meet up with friends from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. We met them south of Shreveport, Louisiana for a Civil War Reenactment of the Battle of Mansfield, Louisiana and the Battle of Pleasant Hill, Louisiana. That is my husband's and son's current hobby. They dress up as soldiers and march and participate in battles from the Civil War. None of us believe in slavery of other human beings. It is a terrible thing that happened and it is a part of the history of the United States in the 1700 and 1800's. I sometimes dress up in period dress as a southern belle and participate in the dances. We meet people from all over the U. S. and sometimes even Europeans who come over to participate in the reenactments. The reenactments are supposed to be a big event in England and Europe right now. It is another way besides video games for men to play war games. Cooking around campfires and sleeping on the ground either in dog tents or under the stars is fun to do occasionally. I would not want to do it all of the time. Actually I have done that as a Union soldier in one of my past lives. I died at the Battle of Fredericksburg, Virginia of a gun wound to the leg. I bled to death, but that is a story for another time.

In the past few weeks because of reading the two Byron Katie books that I mentioned in my previous two articles, I have started to look at any incest issues that I may still have that haven't been addressed. I have also searched out other incest or child abuse survivors online who have blogs. I found one new forum just for child abuse survivors and joined it. I have been reading stories written by other survivors and joined the discusssions that were listed in the forum. I also sent my last article "Incest Is One Of My Stories" ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/04/incest-is-one-of-my-stories.html ) to the April edition of the Child Abuse Carnival which comes out on April 17.

Since I am again working on my issues, I started reading one of the daily meditation books that I have which is written by Maureen Brady and called Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors Of Sexual Abuse. It is a wonderfully encouraging and yet realistic look at sexual abuse written by someone who has also survived the abuse. It is a Hazelden Meditation Series book. I want to share the April 6 daily reading with you.

"Purpose April 6
I will take the time to focus on my purpose and realize my path is being guided by my higher power.

We each have a purpose. Mine may sometimes feel elusive but that is not because it has disappeared; it is because I have lost awareness of it. My purpose is guided by a design of which I can see only segments at any one time. I trust I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I do not need to do anything but wait if I cannot see an open door before me.

One of my jobs as an incest survivor is to regain my personal power. My relationship to power was distorted by the perpetrator's abuse of it. When I am living in my past, I become powerless again. I feel weak, prone to victimization, and crumble easily at the thought of needing to take action. But in the present I can learn to come into my power. It is not a power over, in which someone else must be oppressed. It is the power of being present in a relationship of oneness with the universe. It is the power of my faith in the notion that if I seek guidance, I will intuitively know the next right thing to do. It is the power of deeply knowing my spirit is fully entitled to the life I have been given. I do not need to barter for this power by giving up parts of myself."

The above passage was so important to me that when I read it the first time, I put 4 large handwritten stars on the page to call my attention back to the page for any future readings.

Before I got into a recovery program, I knew nothing about personal power. I knew about power over another person. I lived my childhood up until I was 19 under the power of my abusive father and the apathy of my mother who played the role of victim. I knew about abuse of power and I knew about victimhood. To survive, I built walls around the inner person that lived in FEAR. When I first started in a recovery program, I learned how unhealthy walls were for keeping you out but they were also keeping me in as a prisoner of the abuse and all of my fears.

FEAR was the voice in my head that told me that the universe was not a safe place. FEAR was the voice in my head that said to not trust you or myself because you couldn't protect me and neither could I.

The opposite of fear is fearless. Fearless is taking stupid risks that can get you hurt or taken advantage of again. Neither is healthy. I have given away parts of myself because I didn't know that I had the choice to do otherwise.

Personal power means having an opinion without having to weld power over others or without using that opinion and power to hurt others. In the beginning, I did both of those things. I discovered that learning new ways of behaving sometimes means swinging like a pendulum from one extreme of behavior to its far opposite until I find the middle and balance where my actions are no longer extremes. Personal power is about not allowing others to hurt you. It also means not using your power to hurt others. Personal power gives you the freedom to be yourself and also allows others to be themselves. Personal power is not about controlling others. Live and let live is one of the slogans that I learned in Al-Anon that I use today.

For any child abuse survivors who are interested you can find a forum of child abuse survivors at the following link. You have to sign in with an email address and a password.
http://childabusesurvivor.ning.com/
Patricia

Incest Is One Of My Stories

2009-04-02T13:32:00.004-05:00

Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Dialogues with Byron Katie, page 70:
"We use our story of another to delude ourselves. I heard a woman say, in one of the sessions yesterday, 'I just realized that my father did what he did not because of me, but because of his story!' Did you hear that?"

When I read that, for a few seconds, I couldn't breathe. Not because I was rejecting the idea, but because it is so true. I recognised the truth as something that I have known for awhile.

As a child, I believed that the incest was my fault, that it happened because of something that I did or because I was bad and was getting what I deserved as punishment for my existing. Even as a young adult, I still believed those thoughts about myself.

By reading Byron Katie's book and looking at my own thoughts, today I know that these thoughts are no longer correct. Actually, these thoughts were never correct. But because they were my thoughts, I did believe them. Now I don't. I believe that the incest is just one of my stories, one of many, that I am starting to be ok with dropping from my mind. Katie doesn't ever ask you to drop your stories. She just asks that you be willing to look at what your life would be like without those stories.

The incest was done to me because it was my dad's story that he created. I was one of the participants because I believed my own stories.

We are coming out of the Winter season. Spring has begun with mostly warmer days but with some of the storms and chill of winter trying to hold out a little longer.

Because of the work that I have done on my incest issues which are my stories, I have been in an extended Winter in my life. Sometimes working on your issues can make life seem harder than it appeared when I was in denial and stuffing emotions rather than living them. Life seemed harder for awhile because the anger, sadness and hurt were out in the open rather than being hidden. Hidden, they were still causing problems but the problems were not as obvious as when the emotions are being openly expressed and felt.

Winter is the death of the old. Spring is the birth of the new.
Winter is wearing a coat of sad heaviness to protect against the hurts of life. Spring is releasing all of those thoughts and allowing joy into your life.
Winter is holding on to the old. Spring is letting in the light and newness of Life.

Now I am entering the Spring of my life. Spring means new growth, flowers blooming, green life beginning to come up out of the ground and new leaves showing on the trees again. The Spring of my life means being open to all experiences and experiencing new pleasures daily, exploring all that there is to explore. Spring is knowing that Life is glorious each and every day.
Patricia

Who Would You Be Without Your Story?

2009-03-27T11:40:00.004-05:00

Byron Katie's newest book is entitled Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Dialogues with Byron Katie. I have been reading this book for the past several weeks. I just finished it this morning. It is a fantastic read. I would recommend it to anyone who wants peace in your life.

The book is a collection of dialogues between Katie and the participants of a workshop that she did. It gives actual conversations where Katie takes the person through the steps of what she calls The Work. Here is a list of several of the titles of the dialogues:
Joe is Irresponsible
My Mother Wouldn't Approve
I Can't Stand It That George Fell in Love with Linda
Cancer Ruined My Life
I'm Not Enough---and Some People Are Better Than Others
My Father Abused Me

Katie teaches you that when you believe your thoughts about other people, the world, and your own selves that you suffer. She says that suffering is optional. By choosing what you believe, you get to choose whether to suffer or not. Seeing your thoughts for what they are, the imagination of your mind, you can end all of your suffering.

This process involves doing inquiry of yourself with the use of four questions:
"Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?" (page viii, Who Would You Be Without Your Story?, Dialogues with Byron Katie)

The first thing that The Work has you do is to write down your judgments about any stressful situation that you are dealing with in your life. These situations can be past, present or even something that you worry might happen in the future. How many times do you find yourself reliving the past or worrying about the future? Katie asks you to write about every person that you haven't 100% forgiven. She says if you only have 1% that you haven't forgiven, that your thoughts about that person are still causing you to be suffer. Any time that you are stressed out, you are suffering from the beliefs that you have.

On the last page of Katie's book, you will find a page that gives you a copy of her "Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet". You can also find a copy of this worksheet online at Byron Katie's website: http://www.thework.com under the Resources section.

Albert of Urban Monk.Net ( http://www.urbanmonk.net ) suggested to me over a year ago that I look at Byron Katie's books. Albert thought that they might help to resolve some of the issues that I was facing at the time. At the time I bought the book Loving What Is but I didn't read more than a few pages. The timing wasn't right for me to get her message. Now that I have read Who Would You Be Without Your Story? , I will go back and read the first book. I am ready to do The Work now. I hope that you will join me in reading these books and in finding peace in your own life by doing inquiry into your thoughts and beliefs.
Have a glorious day.
Patricia

Finding The Answers---Do You Have Them All?

2009-03-15T13:15:00.005-05:00

How do you condense one very eventful week into one article and not have it go on and on and on? You start at the beginning of just one day. I am going to start with today, Sunday, March 15, and go backwards. On the surface, my week doesn't look eventful. I was sick with a stomach virus and diarrhea for 3 days. Where was my week eventful? In my mind and heart, I made several important connections this week.

This morning when I opened my emails, one of the first ones that I read was from Lance over at the blog, The Jungle of Life. Every Sunday Lance does a "Sunday Thought For The Day" article. Today's article was the words and a youtube video about the song "Circle of Life" by Sir Elton John. The video is of Sir Elton John singing the song "Circle of Life" while you watch scenes from the making of the movie "The Lion King". You can click on the following link and go watch and listen to the youtube video:
http://www.jungleoflife.com/2009/03/15/sunday-thought-for-the-day-43/
Come back here when you are finished.

Sir Elton John's music was a hit starting in the 1970's when my husband and I were dating and then married. He has always been a favorite of mine, long before he became a knight in England. When "The Lion King" came along, I watched it with my children. I loved it and the song "Circle of Life". Both are so metaphysical in meaning. Thanks Lance, for reminding me of all of these memories today. This was a great way to start a glorious day.

Next, on my morning trip to the bathroom, I read the December 28, 2008 (which was also a Sunday) article (Hey, so I am behind. At least I am finally reading it.) of Daily Word, December 2008, page 42. It says,

"I am grateful for the constant flow of God's blessing in my life.
Gratitude
I welcome this day with a thankful heart. Beginning my morning in this way cultivates an attitude of gratitude not only for special occasions but for every day.
As I arise from a peaceful night, I give thanks to God for rest received and for blessings to come. This sets a positive tone, one that attracts life-enhancing experiences to me.
Sharing a simple 'thank you' with others generates good feelings. My gratefulness is contagious and becomes a positive, attitude-changing influence."

Next, I read this morning's March 15, 2009 Daily Word on page 29. It starts out with the words,
"Trusting in God, I am fulfilled.
Centered
When events do not turn out as I planned, I don't let myself become bogged down in disappointment or allow my enthusiasm to wane. In prayer, I bring myself back to center. I turn my perspective around so that I see things in a new way and celebrate the good that is always there for me. . . . ."

"Turning around to face my good, I realize that what might have at first discouraged me will prove to be the dawning of a greater, more fulfilling experience."

I will leave you on your own to gather what the above statements might mean to you personally. If you want to share in the comment section below, you can. I am still sorting through my own stuff right now so am not yet in a place of sharing it with you.

On the past few Wednesday nights, I have gone to an Al-Anon meeting with my friend. When she asked me to go to these meetings with her over a year ago, I didn't realize that I needed the meetings as much as she did. I don't live with an alcoholic. I haven't since I was 19 and left home. What I do live with is myself and my husband. Both of us are adult children of alcoholics. Those patterns of behavior seem to be engrained within both of us and still get activated in times of stress like I wrote about in last week's article "More Patterns of Behavior Means More Awareness" which you can find at:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/03/more-family-patterns-of-behavior-means.html
At this week's Al-Anon meeting which was on the topic of "You are only as sick as your secrets.", I was aware of a part of me that some call "the watcher". A part of me was watching and listening to what was being said and to my reactions to what was being said.

Usually as I am listening to every speaker, I am planning what I will say when it is my turn, rehearsing it in my mind. This time, instead of rehearsing, I touched the part of me that I have been holding back from the group. To a degree, I do this all the time. I think we all do. It is easier for me to do this because of the childhood belief that I need to protect myself from you or you will hurt me. One of my secrets that I got in touch with but haven't shared with the Al-Anon group is that they scare me still. (I haven't shared it because as I was typing the last sentence, I just got it myself. So you can see, I am still figuring out some of the lessons that came at me this week.)

What I did share with the Al-Anon group was that when I came into Al-Anon in 1989, I didn't trust women at all. In my mind, women were more likely to judge me harshly because of the incest than men were. (This was my belief. I don't know if it was true or not but it was my belief.) For awhile, trusting women less than men didn't make sense to me because it was men that sexually abused me. What I said in the meeting was that I thought women would judge me harshly because the women in my childhood were judgmental.

My mother who was always angry but rarely voiced it. Silence was my mother's weapon of choice. I have attracted people to me with that trait until I learned that their silence wasn't a weapon unless I allowed it to be. I also found out that if I didn't act out their anger, then they were more likely to voice it for themselves. Voicing it makes it possible to deal with the anger. With anger came judgments.

My grandmother and mother were always angry at each other since before I was a child. I could always feel the judgments going back and forth between the two of them without understanding what it was about. I know they loved each other and they were also angry with each other.

I think that I have probably shared the story about one of my maternal aunts telling me that I was going to Hell because I was wearing shorts. I was about 5 or 7 years old at the time. A part of that child must have believed her because that is still a strong memory of mine. She was never one of my favorite aunts. I was afraid of her as a child. As an adult, I felt angry with her for being such a religious fanatic. Now I can see how unhappy she was. I can forgive her.

I can forgive those women in my life who were judgmental and who taught me to be judgmental. For me to fear being judged, some part of me is still judging me or I wouldn't be afraid. I can take this a step further and forgive that judgmental part of myself. She is still a child afraid of being hurt. I can take her into my arms and into my heart and hug her until she doesn't hurt any more. Usually my solar plexus is where I feel all of this. My heart is what feels this and hurts for the little girl. I think that I need to go and just sit with this for awhile.

I hope that by sharing the above process it will help someone else to heal what may still need healing. As you can see, I still don't have it all figured out for myself. Isn't that what this life is all about---finding the answers for yourself?
Patricia

More Family Patterns of Behavior Means More Awareness

2009-03-08T08:00:00.005-05:00

Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Dialogues with Byron Katie, Edited by Carol Williams, 2008: "If there's someone who makes your blood boil, thank him. He's showing you what you need to know to become a kinder person. He's doing the best he can, and so are you."

Those are the words that Byron Katie opens her new book with. It is the perfect way to start my story of the recent two day trip that my husband Daniel and I went on last week. I am not writing about the trip. I am writing to share with you what I learned about myself.

Daniel is an adventurer. He swears he has Daniel Boone somewhere in his ancestry. He doesn't. He just wishes he did. He just shares the adventurous spirit and the same first name. When you go on any trip with Daniel expect to be tired when you get home. When I was younger, I recuperated much quicker than I do today. He puts as many activities and miles as he can possibly squeeze into each day.

On our recent trip, we went to Fort Smith, Fayetteville, Van Buren, and Bentonville in northwestern Arkansas and from Bentonville headed northeast to Springfield, Missouri. We spent the night in Springfield so we could tour the Wilson Creek Battlefield and National Park to do research on the Civil War battle that took place there on August 10, 1861. It was the second major battle of the Civil War. Daniel had some ancestors that fought there. Because of his hobbies of genealogy and Civil War reenacting, Daniel has become a little bit of a Civil War historian. This was research for a book that Daniel is writing about one of his great-grandfathers who fought in the Civil War as a Confederate soldier from Arkansas.

When Daniel asked if I wanted to go with him on this two day trip, I told him that I would go only on the condition that I could be home to watch the TV show Ghost Whisperer at 7:00 p.m. on Friday night. He said we would be. We were home at 6:00 p.m. Friday evening but only because I threw a tantrum and held him to his word.

Here is what I learned about myself: I still want what I want when I want it. I can be unbending and unforgiving when I don't get what I want. I can still rant and rave to get my way. I can feel guilty about my behavior afterwards. I do know how to apologize even when Daniel and I both know it probably won't be the last time that I will go off on him.

When I saw and heard what I was saying, that is when the ability to change came about. I can only change what I am aware of.

I still don't like that part of myself that can throw a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. I also no longer beat myself up for the behaviour. I need to be able to bend more and at the same time not be a doormat to others. I also don't need to treat others as my doormat. I don't have the right to treat others that way. I do have the right to stand up for myself. I can also do that standing up for myself with patience and kindness for myself and for the other person. I don't have to beat the other person up with my anger and words. It is ok to be angry without acting on that anger.

I can acknowledge that, yes, I lost my temper again. I can look at the reasons for losing my temper. How can I change that part of me or at least change how that part of me reacts to stress and anger?

Why did I lost my temper this time? I felt disappointed at the possibility of missing Ghost Whisperer. I felt disappointed that Daniel wasn't going to keep his word. I felt that he thought his time was worth more than mine. I felt devalued as a person and partner in our marriage.

What childhood pattern did this come from? My parents would say they were going to do something and then they wouldn't do it. I never had a say so of any kind in decisions made about me during my childhood. Younger children don't need this as much as an older child does. Decision making is how we learn to make decisions while having the safety net of parents to tell us that those decisions are appropriate or not. If you aren't taught decision making, you don't learn that decisions have responsibility and consequences. Chaos reigned in our household. Nobody was dependable. Nobody's word meant anything. They never did what they said they would. They yelled and screamed when they got angry, which was often. As a child, I felt that I had no value as an individual. Everybody else had more value than I did.

What did I find out about myself on this trip? I still sometimes react like the child living that childhood. Do I have to continue doing it? No. Will this behavior of mine stop immediately since I am now aware? Probably not. Why? Because I am not the perfectionist that I once was. Each time I become aware of it quicker until finally I will stop this particular behavior. Writing about it helps to reenforce the awareness. Do you still have some behaviors from childhood that you struggle with? How can you become more aware?
Patricia

I Appreciate You

2009-03-03T11:40:00.007-06:00

Karl Staib over at the blog Work Happy Now! wrote an article about showing appreciation which he named "How to Change Your Company's Office Culture" ( http://www.workhappynow.com/2009/03/how-to-change-your-company-office-culture/ ).

Expressing your appreciation to others is something that I strongly believe in. Karl talks about how a teacher anonymously sharing notes and small, inexpensive gifts with her/his fellow teachers changed the whole work environment of the school. Anonymous acts of kindness or random acts of kindness can do so much good for yourself and other people.

I wonder how many people in the world would be affected positively if today everyone who reads this article anonymously did some small act of kindness for someone that you know or for someone who is a perfect stranger? You can't know how someone else will feel but you can know how you feel after doing a kindness for someone else.

That inner glow of love that you feel changes your day totally. It also changes who you are. You become a better person for doing such a small act of kindness. You touch that spark of the divine in yourself, that spark that we all have. In doing an act of appreciation, you tell yourself and others that someone cares. That someone is you, the real you, the divine spark that is the God within each of us.

Thanks, Karl, for sharing this idea in your blog for me to read today. Thanks to each of my readers for taking the time to be here with me on my blog today. Thanks for spreading love with your own acts of appreciation. I really do love and appreciate each and everyone of you. Have a glorious day.
Patricia

Genealogy Gave Me Roots And Patterns

2009-02-20T14:43:00.004-06:00

Genealogy is one of my hobbies. My husband inspired me to give it a try about ten or so years ago. I never knew that finding out about my ancestors would really give me roots, a feeling of belonging to somebody, a history that could actually be traced through many people and to many places. I am excited by finding out about the famous, infamous and the common folk that I came from. I haven't actually traced my lines to anybody who is famous yet. Someone actually traced one of my husband's lines back to being related to most of the kings and queens of Europe in the 1700's.

Something else that I found from genealogy is that with some of the stories that my aunts have shared with me is how the line of abuse has come down from one generation to the next. With that knowledge, I can see why some of the abuse was done. It was what each generation before was taught.

Some things are passed down generation to generation. One good example of this would be the value of being thrifty that was taught by the generation that lived through the Depression of the 1920's and 1930's. I see this trait in my mother-in-law who was born in 1922. Thriftiness can be a good thing especially with the economic problems that the U. S. is beginning to experience today.

One of the things that I discovered is that the abuse didn't start with my dad or grandfather. It goes all the way back to my great-grandfather. It makes me wonder how much farther back the abuse went.

My great-grandfather William Thomas Caldwell was married three times. The first wife died shortly after giving birth to a daughter. At the burial of his wife, Thomas wanted to put the baby in the coffin and bury her with her mother. The baby girl was taken and raised by a neighbor family. I wonder if that baby girl was ever told the story of her birth. How horrible that story was. The first born son of this marriage was raised by the parents of his mother.

Next Thomas Caldwell married and had five children before the second wife filed for a divorce. This was in the early 1900's before divorce was popular. With the divorce, the lady also filed for a restraining order to keep him away from her and the children. I had no idea that you could even get a restraining order that long ago. I know this because I have a copy of the divorce papers that were on file in the Magnolia Courthouse from Columbia County, Arkansas.

My great-grandmother was the last wife of Thomas Caldwell that I have found evidence of. Someone at RootsWeb.com posted that Thomas went to Texas and married a fourth time while he was still married to my great-grandmother and that he got arrested for it. I haven't been able to prove this marriage.

The story that my aunts shared with me about my great-grandparents were that they separated when my grandfather was a small boy. The reason for the separation was that Thomas had tried at least twice to poison my grandmother. When she found out about it, she kicked him out. One of the boys stayed with my great-grandmother and the other one went with Thomas. A few years later, my great-grandmother died and both boys from the marriage to Thomas lived with Thomas. Thomas was my great-grandmother's second husband. The two boys from her first marriage were raised by her parents after her death.

The last time that my grandfather saw his father was on my grandfather's wedding day. The few times that my grandfather talked about his father, he didn't have anything good to say about the man.

I hope that you understand the reason for me sharing this family history with you is to show you that abuse can be generational. If it is, it is your responsibility to not pass the abuse on to the next generation---your children. The abuse can be stopped.
Patricia

"Blogging Without a Blog" Wrote An Article About Me

2009-02-12T11:12:00.007-06:00

For those of you that I haven't already sent an email to, Barbara Swafford of the blog "Blogging Without a Blog" wrote an article about "Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker". You can find this article at the following link: http://bloggingwithoutablog.com/patricia-times-two/ . In Barbara's wonderful article, I share the spotlight with another Patricia. This is Patricia of the blog "Patricia's Wisdom" Don't you just love the name of Patricia's blog. I do. As Patricia said in a comment to me, "We are just fabulous women!" Check out some of Patricia's wisdom at this link: http://patriciaswisdom.com/ .

Barbara writes an article about new blogs that she has discovered on the internet and she writes an occasional article about "(Not So) New Blogs Of The Week". Patricia and I are in the "not so new" arena. I don't know how long Barbara has been reading "Patricia's Wisdom" but she has been visiting and leaving comments on "Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker" for months. I always enjoy Barbara's comments.

From Barbara's blog "Blogging Without a Blog", I get to meet new bloggers each week. I also learn technical stuff such as "How To Get and/or Add A Gravatar To Your Post Comments" ( http://bloggingwithoutablog.com/how-to-get-andor-add-a-gravatar-to-your-post-comments/ ). I haven't added the gravatar to my post comments yet but it is on my list of things to do this week. I appreciate the new bloggers and not so new bloggers that I get to meet each week and also the technical stuff that I learn how to do. Facing my fears about technical stuff is something that I put off doing for a long time before I finally make myself sit down and do whatever it is. (another fear that I need to make friends with). Thank you, Barbara for adding to my knowledge. Thank you for the honor of being included and written about on your blog. I appreciate the new friends that I get to meet who are coming here from your blog. The internet is a great way to meet people and to exchange information.

Through Barbara's blog, I only recently discovered "Patricia's Wisdom" myself. When I finish this article, I am going back to Patricia's blog and read some more of her wisdom. I hope you will do the same. Check out both of their blogs---Patricia's and Barbara's.
Have a glorious day.
Patricia

Life Scripts at Joyful Days

2009-02-05T08:00:00.000-06:00

I just discovered a new blog this last week that I am enjoying reading called Joyful Days. I read an article called, "How Does Your Life Script Read?" written by the blog owner Daphne. I was inspired by the article to write the following script. The secret is to be able to read it forward and backwards and have it make sense both ways. Here was what I wrote:

The wiser I grow,
The less that I know that I know.
Life isn't about growing old.
Life is about growing wise.

To read it backwards line by line it would say the following:

Life is about growing wise.
Life isn't about growing old.
The less that I know that I know,
The wiser I grow.

Check out the original article at Joyful Days at the following link:

http://www.joyfuldays.com/2009/01/how-does-your-life-script-read/ .

Have a glorious day.
Patricia

Fear Is My Friend

2009-01-28T16:06:00.004-06:00

Today I refuse to let fear stop me. It may still occasionally slow me down until I gain an inner awareness of what I am doing.

Courage is making fear your friend rather than letting it control you. Making fear your friend means acknowledging it for what it is. Now is the time to say, "Hello Fear, here we are walking hand in hand again. Thank you for showing me that something needs to change."

Most of you face challenges every day. Sometimes the challenges come out on top. Other times, you come out victorious and stronger for facing the challenge. Facing the challenges and fear is what the lessons of Life are all about. Do not allow fear to stop you from living your life.

Conquer fear and go on to the next day and conquer fear again. Facing fear is what makes you strong. Facing fear is what makes you courageous. Now is the time to say, "Hello Fear. Thanks for making Life such a wonderful adventure of discovery."

To quote Lindsay McKenna in her romance novel---Morgan's Mercenaries III, Maverick Hearts, Man of Passion---on page 141:
". . . 'No one and nothing has the right to stop you on your own path as you become all you can be, Ari.' " (Ari is the name of the heroine in the book that I am reading.)

This is true for each of us. You all have the ability to face your own fears and to become a better person than you were through that effort. It doesn't matter that you are still afraid. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It is ok. Being afraid doesn't mean you are failing or that you are a failure. Sitting still, doing nothing that is failure. Moving forward, even if it is only one step at a time, is success. Life is about being all that you can be. Being all that you can be is your real Life's purpose.

Embrace your fear with Love. That is the answer to every challenge that you face.
Patricia

Link Love And Raw Foods

2009-01-18T17:00:00.012-06:00

Hi. I hope everyone is having a glorious day. Sorry if you are tired of hearing me say that but glorious is one of my favorite words. I have had a glorious day myself.

I have been, most of the afternoon, on my computer playing catch-up with all of the blogs that I want to read but haven't had the time lately to do. What blogs have I been reading?

Stephen Hopson at http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/

Phillip McCluskey at http://www.lovingraw.com/

Liara Covert at http://www.dreambuilders.com.au/

Lance at http://www.jungleoflife.com/

Teresa Silverthorn of Confessions of a Mystic at http://teresasilverthorn.wordpress.com/

Matt Monarch of Raw Success at http://mattmonarch.blogspot.com/

Dinesh of Spiritual Drifts from The River of Karma at http://driftings.blogspot.com/

Stephen Hopson does these interviews of other bloggers that I just love but haven't been able to keep up with lately. The interviews are brilliantly done by Stephen with a set of questions that he has the person being interviewed answer. Some of his questions really put the person in the hot seat. For example, Stephen asks the person what their dark side is like. I also like Stephen's gratitude articles that he does most Friday afternoons. They inspire me to remember to be grateful and be a better person for it.

Stephen is also the person that is responsible for me deciding to change my eating habits to eating raw foods again. On his blog, Stephen recommended a book by Natalia Rose called "The Raw Food Detox Diet". I bought and read that book plus a second one by Natalia called "Raw Food Life Force Energy." I started reading these books before Thanksgiving and sampled some of the recipes. My efforts were only half-hearted. I wasn't ready to give up my coffee, hot soups, cheese and bread yet. I still haven't completely. At Thanksgiving, with family visiting my house, I didn't eat any raw foods, not even the salad that I made because my brother-in-law doesn't consider it a meal if you don't have a salad on the table. The result was I ate too much of foods that I knew weren't good for me. As soon as everyone went home from Thanksgiving, I got a really bad allergy attack. It might have been bought on by the corn bread dressing that I ate. I am allergic to corn.

Two weeks ago after reading Stephen's blog articles about his own raw food journey and also checking out other sites that are written by raw foodists, I decided to make a commentment to go at least 80% raw in my diet. Today as I sat at my computer cutting up vegetables for a big salad, I sat and listened to videos on raw eating that Stephen sent me to in one of his articles. You can find these videos at the following website of Philip McCluskey at Loving Raw:
http://www.lovingraw.com/vide-series/ . While you are visiting the site, check out Philip's blog on his amazing 200 pound weight loss eating raw foods. I just started reading Philip's blog today.

Here is a list of some of the books on raw foods that I now have in my library in my home:

The Raw Food Gourmet, Going Raw for Total Well-Being, written by Gabrielle Chavez

The Raw Truth --- The Art of Preparing Living Foods --- , written by Jeremy A. Safron

The Raw Gourmet, written by Nomi Shannon

Living in the Raw Gourmet, written by Rose Lee Calabro

Green For Life, written by Victoria Boutenko

Rawsome, Maximizing Health, Energy, and Culinary Delight with the Raw Foods Diet, written by Brigitte Mars

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Eating Raw, written by Mark Reinfeld, Bo Rinaldi, and Jennifer Murray

Here is one on Juicing:

Juicing for Life, A Guide to the Health Benefits of FRESH FRUIT AND VEGETABLE JUICING, written by Cherie Calbom, M. S. and Maureen Keane, M. S., C. N.

Here are two on Sprouting:

The Sprout Garden, The Indoor Grower's Guide to Gourmet Sprouts, written by Mark M. Braunstein

The Complete Sprouting Cookbook, written by Karen Cross Whyte (I have had this book a long time and it does actually cook most of the recipes but it gives me information about sprouting that is useful.)

My favorite book is Green For Life. It has some delicious smoothie recipes in the back of the book that will keep me experimenting for a long time. It also contains information on nutrition that I haven't read before.

Deb Estep of the blog Deb_Inside has given me some link love today with an article that she wrote about my article "Kindness---Why Is It Easier To Be Kind To Strangers?" Thanks, Deb, you are truly one of the kindest people that I know online. Her article called "Stop Shooting Arrows - Words" is found at:
http://deb_inside.typepad.com/deb_inside/2009/01/stop-shooting-arrows-words.html.

I have gotten some really good comments on my article that you can click on the following link and read:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/kindness-why-is-it-easier-to-be-kind-to.html .

Thanks to all of my commenters on my blog. I am truly grateful to you. Your comments add more richness to my articles with your humor and your wisdom.
Patricia