Cantrell's Chatterbox

No matter what...

2009-07-11T07:24:00.001+09:00

When life overwhelmes me I feel the need to write. I have been living in such a dark place recently. I was playing with fire in so many areas of my life. I almost allowed Satan to have my soul. I almost decided to give up. Almost.....But God is bigger and he has another plan! He was faithful to me during all that happened and he still is! Ultimately though, it was my choice...not God's. God wanted me to draw close to him and trust him. He was begging me to follow him no matter what, but I was tired of trusting him only to have terrible things happen to me over and over again. I felt like I already had enough bad things happen to me in this lifetime. God knows exactly all that has taken place and I can tell you with confidence it has truly been things that most people never have to face. I simply didn't understand why my life turned out the way it has. When all I have done is serve him. If I would have gone out and sinned I would understand the punishement. We all know that there are consequences for sin. But that has not been my case. I was deceived and now my life is so different than all my dreams and hopes. All the hard work in vain. All the tears and prayers for nothing.

I became a nice shoulder for satan to sit on. He would whisper things to me constanly. "If God really loved you Jenn, he would not have allowed you to be so greatly deceived. He would not have turned his face from you all those years you cried out for him for help and had so many questions. Why did it take so long for you to find out the truth anyway? How could God see all your suffering and allow you to continue to be unaware and hurting? Now look at you....you have nothing! No home to call your own. No furnishings execpt a boys bedroom set. No money, always at the mercry of your family and friends who feel sorry for you. Your boys are hurting. They aren't in a normal situation. You are a single mom trying to raise them and you have no future. How can God ever use you now? You are a failure! Why do you keep trusting him? People need to pay for what they have done. So many people need to pay. Why are you suffering and they have all the things you don't have? They are blessed and you are not! It is never going to end Jenn!!!! Never! Look at all that has happened to you just in this last year. People say God wants to use you but is that what you want? If you keep trusting him he will keep bringing all these horrible things upon you. He will take even more away. He knows what you love and he will take all that you love away from you. All so that you can glorify him? Is that REALLY what you want? Did he ever ask your permission anyway? You know if you had a choice you would have passed on this heartache and allowed God to find another helpless person out there. Go ahead and compromise. It is just a little thing. It doesn't matter. No one believe that way anymore anyway. You are the only one. Besides, who do you think you are? No one notices you? If you change it will not affect anyone else negatively! Go ahead and have some fun! You deserve it! You need to know what the real life is all about! At least be angry at God. He is the one who has allowed this to happen to you. Ask him why! Tell him it isn't fair. Feel sorry for yourself! Be angry! Just don't trust him anymore."

This is what I would listen to. Instead of putting a stop to it I would listen. And, as you can imagine I started believing what satan was telling me. I started questioning a lot of things. I started making excuses. I wondered if I could get by with this or that. I felt like I had the right to have fun. Thankfully God was working on me too. God knew I was walking the fence and seeing how close I could get to the other side. God kept asking me one question...." Jennifer, are you going to serve me no matter what?" And, every time he would ask me this question I would ask him to have mercy on me but to ask me a little later. That I needed more time to think about what I was going to do with his question.

Looking back I am surprised that I didn't fall into blatant sin. It was more just a battle in my head. God started scraping the blinders off my eyes. All the lies I was listening to from satan he would show me the truth. I started seeing how ugly sin is. How satan is never satisfied with just a little bit of us. I have seen first hand how satan destroys lives. He makes people into someone you don't even recognize. I knew that if I gave satan just a little bit of me, before long I would wake up one day and not even recognize myself. I would be doing things I swore I would never do. I knew satan would suck out every ounce of blood he could get and then when the last drop was empty, and I was no longer of use to him, he would throw me away like an old pair of shoes.

"Jennifer, are you going to serve me no matter what?" This time I knew my answer! With all my heart I will serve you God. I will serve you no matter what! I don't understand why my life is the way it is, but it doesn't matter. I don't need to know. What I do know is that God has never let me down. He has never abandoned me. He believes in me or else he would not have allowed these trials to come because he promised us that nothing would come our way that we could not stand up under it. And what if I am one of those blessed people that God says (just like Job)..."Have you seen my daughter Jennifer? She loves me. See her suffering? She serves me. She trust me and she praises me through the good and bad!" WOW! You can't even begin to imagine how scared I feel when I think of that. I don't want to let God down. I know I have so often. I have made so many mistakes and any time I think I can live life without God's daily help I fall flat on my face.

Here I am again today. Jaden's health not looking good. I know all the negative possiblities. I also know that I serve an amazing God! One that can heal him in an instant, with just the word. Most importantly I have a peace that never leaves me even through the hardest, most difficult times of my life. I have that peace only because I chose to answer that question that God asks of each one of us. "Are you going to serve me no matter what?" And so today I want to say to you once again satan that no matter what......I choose to serve Him!!!!

I am ashamed that I ever doubted God and allowed satan to be my "shoulder friend". But, one thing I have learned in life is that we can learn from our mistakes! And so here is a little list of things I have learned. This is the list of things I was batteling with, but now they are things that are on my " I will not" list. This is a list I made for myself, so that next time satan comes and tries to be my "shoulder friend" I can point him to this list, or simply flick him off with my pinky finger! Because I serve a mighty God!

I will not compromise my beliefs and convictions because others have or because difficult situations are upon me.

I will not make excuses.

I will not flirt with sin. I will hate sin and not allow it to entice me.

I will not show Satan my weaknesses. He is my enemy. I will not give him any credit for anything.

I will not give you choices God.."if you do this for me, I will do this for you". I have no right to give you choices.

I will not be angry at you for allowing me to go through painful situations in my life.

When life changes and I am left with broken pieces, I will give you all my broken pieces knowing with you on my side I will always have a bright future.

I will not resent what I do not have. I will not feel sorry for myself. Instead I will praise you and thank you for my blessings.

When the trials, troubles and tribulations come my way and I feel overloaded and overwhelmed, I will remind myself of all the blessing and situations you have brought me thorugh victoriously.

When my faith is weak and all my strength is gone I will cry out to you for mercy.

I will continually forgive those who have hurt me and cursed me. The deeper the hurt the deeper I forgive.

I will not hold grudges or pray that people get paid back for the evil things they have done. I will trust you to be the great judge. You see everything and know everything. You see directly into our very souls. You know all our darkest motives and intentions.

I WILL SERVE YOU LORD, NO MATTER WHAT!

July 4th 2009

2009-07-07T02:27:00.004+09:00

First of all let me just say how awesome it is to be in the good ol'e USA on the 4th this year! I was so excited about it I decided to buy all of us "flag shirts". Usually the boys are the one who are patriotic but this year I couldn't resist! :-)

We spent the day at our good friends house....Pedro and Lorena. She is one of the best cooks I have ever met and so I love going over to her house and cooking with her and learning new tricks! And of course I did! Pedro grilled chicken, fajita meat, sausage and brisket. It was amazing! Not to mention all the sides. One thing that I loved was what she did with the onions. So, I will share, for those of you who like to try new things. She took a raw onion and wrapped it in foil. Then they grilled it until it was super soft. Then, she cut it in half and squeezed fresh lime juice all over it with salt and pepper. I know it is so simple but let me tell you...those onions were awesome....and addicting!

So, after we ate and stuffed ourselves I went to church to speak to the youth. We had a good service. And then of course we ate all over again. ~sigh~ While I spoke at church the boys and my parents watched fireworks and the boys played with the sparklers. I missed out on it but it's okay.....this was my 1st July 4th to ever be at church so I am not going to complain about it. ;-)

I will post more pictures of our youth on the 4th when I get the pics from my friend. In the meantime here are a few pictures I took from our weekend.

I hope you all enjoyed your 4th as much as I did! I will just end by saying once again... I am so BLESSED to be living in the USA again!

Sunday, June 28th 2009

2009-06-30T22:58:00.004+09:00

This Sunday we all wore brown and so I asked Mom to take some pictures of us.

I think they turned out adorable!

Father's Day 2009

2009-06-23T13:21:00.001+09:00

Things were so crazy at church with everything these were the only pictures I was able to take.

I love my Dad...and so do my boys!!!!!!!

Father's day preperations

2009-06-23T13:15:00.003+09:00

These pictures were taken from Saturday, before Father's day. We went calling and worked on the decorations at the church with some of the youth. It was fun!

Girls night out at TGI Fridays

2009-06-20T22:32:00.002+09:00

Every now and then this mommy gets to go on a girls night out with my girlfriends. It is greatly appreciated! Just a nice excuse to dress up, feel like a women again, and chat chat chat....of course lots of laughter too! I had a good time just recently hanging out at TGI Fridays with some friends from work. Here are a few pictures from our night out! :-)

Little Thugs

2009-06-20T22:14:00.002+09:00

I told the boys we could go swimming and so I asked them to go get their bathing suits on. They came to me looking like this. It was so funny! Just when I think they don't notice all the little details in life they show me that I am wrong. Jaden had the chain around his neck and for some reason had pulled his shirt down over his shorts. Of course the backwards hat tops it off! I got a good laugh out of it!

Heidi's wedding

2009-06-16T01:40:00.001+09:00

One of my good friends from my work just got married yesterday. I made all her wedding flowers and also did all the ladies hair. Heidi looked so beautiful and everyone else did too! It was a fantastic wedding. Heidi is so sweet. She gave all of us jewelry to wear for the wedding as a thank you. I am so happy for Heidi. It seems like she found herself a really great guy. She deserves it too!! Her first husband died in a freak accident and it is so nice to see how happy and blessed she is after such a terrible tragedy!

Month of May

2009-06-11T04:08:00.001+09:00

Celebrating Jaden and Rocco!

2009-06-11T03:56:00.001+09:00

Los Cucos Night

2009-06-11T03:48:00.002+09:00

One of my good friends, Jill, is leaving us so we decided to go out and eat together at Los Cucos. We had a good time especially with the crazy Mariachi that was there. This guy was insane! He was singing and dancing so crazy! Needless to say he spent a lot of time at our table..... :-)

Happy Easter

2009-04-20T10:08:00.000+09:00

Easter 2009

2009-04-20T10:05:00.001+09:00

Photo Shoot With Rachel

2009-03-27T13:37:00.001+09:00

We decided to go to Oklahoma for Spring Break. While we were there my friend took some pictures of us. She did such an amazing job and I don't think I have ever been happier with pictures before. I love them! Thanks so much Rachie!

Rocco's Birthday Party

2009-03-14T12:53:00.002+09:00

My Journey

2009-02-28T07:40:00.001+09:00

Why does he do this to himself? Why won't he stop the pain? I try to help but he lashes out and so I simply wait. "He will need me soon enough", I tell myself with confidence. Why does he do this to himself? Oh, why wont' he let me help. I try again, he lashes out, deeper and more hurtful this time. I don't bother to even look at the marks he's left on me. I am too focused on his own pain then seeing myself bleed. And then it comes, just as I predicted. He cries out for my help. By this time he is such a mess I don't know if I can help. I work so hard, I sweat and toil. I coddle, coo and mend. I pick up all the broken pieces and make him whole again. Day after day the same routine I am so tired and weak. Yet, still only have eyes for him. He stabs, he slashes himself and me, I cry for the both of us. I cry, I cry, I cry some more when no one is awake. I have to be strong, I tell myself or he will surely break. He must not know that I am weak. He must not see my pain. Again he does it to himself. Again I ask him why. He has no answer he can give, he simply dies a little more inside. I die with him. He is my life. I must be the good wife. Keep the secrets, never tell. Never embarrass him. Make him look good, allow myself to be the fool, it does not matter in the end. Keep pretending, keep lying to myself, if not I won't survive. I mop up blood. I say it is his but I know it is really mine. I do nothing about it. I have no time. I must take care of him. He needs me. How will he ever survive without me? He simply won't, I tell myself and so with new determination I get up again, ready to take on another day of hurt, pain and despair.

The world is moving faster, it is spinning out of control. I don't know how much longer I can do this but I must. Everyone looks up to us, everyone would be be sad. No one would ever believe me anyway. How could life be this bad? The perfect little couple. The perfect family.

Picking up the pieces, mending broken lives. Trying so desperately to save him. Failing. I no longer can strand. Crawling on my knees behind him. Hating him for the pain he does to himself, me and the family. Hating him, yet loving him. Loving him hurts. Is love suppose to hurt? So confused. Thought it would get better. Thought things would change. Losing hope.

Nothing making sense anymore. So confused. Did I imagine all of this? Am I crazy? Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Must have or he would be better, right? He should be better now. I need to try harder. I need to love more. I need to be more selfless. I need to cover up for him more, shield him from responsibility. I need to take the heat. He is too weak. He can't go on. He needs me.

He was finally honest with me. He told me why. Things make sense now. I am not crazy. I am not dreaming. This is my reality. I have been a fool. I have been so stupid. I put myself out there and got only pain in return. I allowed others to suffer. The innocent. The ones that needed me the most were abandoned because I was fixing his problems. Mending him, putting the pieces back together. Covering up. Lying to myself. The pain I have allowed them to live with I can't bear. How could I be so stupid? Why do I love him so much? Why does the pain never end. I am going to do something about it. I love my kids too much. They are innocent.

If I am doing the right thing should it hurt this badly? Why do I feel like I am abandoning him? Why do I feel like I am hurting him. Why does this feel so wrong? I know it is right. I know I must. I don't have a choice. I love. Why can't I stop loving when it is unwanted?

Mind games. I play them with myself. I will myself to be strong, to get a hold of myself and move forward but I can't. I am so scared. Will I make it? Will I survive. Who am I? Mind games I play with myself. I blame myself for everything. I see things more clearly now. How could I have allowed myself to become this person? Why did I allow these things to happen? Why did I not stick up for myself? How could I have been so blind? These questions never stop hating me. They are a never ending record that doesn't stop. They haunt me. They kill me. The scabs are pulled off layer after layer. I am bleeding now more than ever. Have I made a mistake? If this is right? Why am I bleeding so much?

"I love you Mommy. Please don't be mad at me anymore". I am shocked. How could he think such a thing! It is not his fault. Doesn't he realize this! Nothing is his fault! He looks at me and sobs. He says he wants his mommy to be happy. He begs me to be happy. I sob with him. I hold him so tight and he does not flinch. He clings to me and I cling to him. He deserves a whole Mommy. I vow that day to stop feeling sorry for myself. I vow that day to stop blaming myself. I tell my brain that the record player is going to stop. I made many mistakes, some knowingly...most unknowingly. I accept it. I will move on. If I don't think I deserve a second chance I don't care anymore. They do, the innocent ones.

I fight so hard to get better. I do what I am told. I talk, I pray, I forgive. It is so hard. Nothing in life has been harder. I do it for the ones I love. The innocent. I don't want to remember. The pain is too much to bear. They tell me to talk, to think about it..... to remember. I don't want to. I just want to sleep away my life and wake up to realize it was all a nightmare. I get a little better. I am so proud of myself. I see my little boys eyes twinkle up at me with pride. Then he calls me, he says he needs me. He needs me to pick up the pieces again. He does not know how because he never has had to do it before. I have always done it for him. I crash. I dive full stream ahead right into the trap. I pick up the pieces. I begin to mend him up again. He lashes, I bleed. He cuts, I bleed. I just keep on picking up the pieces. He needs saved and I am used to saving him. I hurt more now than ever.

I realize it was all in vain. I am back at square one. Desperation is all around me, consuming me. "Mommy please hold me. I'm scared." "Mommy, please don't cry. I just want my Mommy to be happy." "Mommy please don't be mad at me." I curse myself for hurting him. I did it all again. I fell for the trap and he knows I fell hard. I can't fool him. I can't fool those little, innocent, brown eyes. I tell him I am sorry. I ask him to forgive me. He freely forgives. I hold him close and wish away all the pain from him. Begging God to allow all the pain to hit me, not them. They are innocent.

I heard the birds chirping today. It was such an amazing thing! I heard them! I am on such a high. I know I am healing. Slowly but surely, healing. Forgiving. Accepting. Loving. Then I fall into another trap. This one much harder. This time much deeper. I want to die. I don't want to live. Why do I keep making the same mistakes? How can my mind tell me one thing but my heart tell me another? How is it possible for one person to be so conflicted? In devastation and despair I pick up those pieces. I want to mend him. One last time, I tell myself. He needs me. Then I hear a voice behind me. I feel his presence and know who he is. He asks me one question, simply one....." Jenn, are you God?" I put down the pieces one by one. It is so hard, my hands are shaking. "But he needs me God! It is my duty. I love him!" "Jenn, are you God?" I know I must let him go. I must get out of God's way. Do I trust him? Do I truly trust God? Can I let him go? It is a long battle. But, God is so patient with me. He loves me so much. Why don't I trust him with the one I love the most? He has never failed me. I finally see it. I finally let him go. I am free! I am at peace.

That is when I notice that God is picking up my pieces. He is putting me back together. The bleeding has stopped. I can't even utter a word. I am so broken. He was there all along. I just needed to let him have control. I cry from the depths of my soul. He wants to listen, he wants to hear my pain even though he has seen it all. Nothing has been hidden from him. He holds my hands in his as I pour out my soul to him. In his eyes I see no judgment. I see so much love that I must put down my head. The love is too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do with all that love. All that love for me. With all my faults, all my mistakes, all my failures. That much love for me. I finish my story. I have no more to say. He then holds me close and wipes away my tears. He then takes my chin in his hands and raises my head so that I have no choice but to look into his eyes. He tells me to trust him.

Each day getting stronger but no longer only doing it for my kids. I am now doing it for me. With God on my side, helping me all the way. It is so hard. It does not get any easier but I know nothing is impossible with God. I move forward, I stop. I fall. But, God is always there to pick me up, nudge me along and encourage me all the way.

When I think of my lost love I worry. I have let go of that control. I am not his savior. I pray he turns to the one who will save him. But worry is fear and so I put my trust in the one who can save. I do this daily.

I am so happy to hear my little ones laughter. I am even more happy, when I realize their laughter is entangled with mine!

This is the journey I am on. I make no apology for it. It is my journey, but I do not walk alone. The one who created me walks along with me, so why should I fear?

Another Change

2009-02-04T23:54:00.000+09:00

All of you that read my blogs know that Brian and I are separated and also know that I am not saying the reasons why. However, there has been a new change and we could use so much prayer right now. I write this freely because Brian has given me permission to say what I am about to say even though you will probably have many question I can't answer after reading this. Please understand that right now this is all I can say.

After I moved to the States Brian stayed in Korea for 3 months and then moved here to Texas to be close to the boys and for us to go to counseling. We have been doing that. However, Brian has made a very important and wise decision. He is moving to Kentucky to place himself in a live in center and try to focus purely on getting as much help as he can get. He will just be immersed in an environment that can help him overcome some things and find healing. He will be moving to Kentucky tomorrow and will be there for 6 month to one year, depending on when they say he is ready to leave. All of this has happened rather quickly and so our family is going through a lot of anxiety and pain with another change. Brian told the boys Monday night that he would be moving away and the boys took the news very badly. It is extremely hard to try and explain this kind of complicated matter to a 5 year old and a 2 year old. PLEASE pray that God will somehow be close to the boys during this new transition faze of life and that they don't feel abandoned. Like I said I am very proud of Brian for making this decision. I feel like for the first time in a very long time he is making the right choice. But, as you can imagine, this is very hard for Brian as well. Please pray for him as well that he will stick to the program and not back out or lose hope. Pray that he feels the love that surrounds him by so many family members and friends even though he will probably feel very lonely most days up there. When it comes to me I have one specific prayer and that is just that God gives me wisdom I don't have. I need a lot of it in raising my precious boys. Please help me pray that God will give me wisdom and understanding of my kids. I don't want to baby them because I feel sorry for them. I don't want to be too hard on them either, when maybe they just need an extra hug. I know it will be easy for me to go from one extreme to another. Another concern of mine is that both boys are so opposite in the way they think and act. They have two very different personalities. Even though they may be in the same predicament they need to be comforted differently and with that comes a lot of wisdom on my part, which I desperately need! Over all our family along with everyone else that is hurting from what has happening now needs a lot of prayer. When you think of us, please pray for the Cantrell family and the Redman family. I speak humbly when I say we could certainly use a lot of prayer!

If I could write my own eulogy

2009-02-03T08:55:00.000+09:00

I have wanted to write on this topic for quite some time now but was afraid I would scare some of my friends off. I sometimes have been accused of thinking on "strange" topics a little too much. And yes, I do realize it may seem like I am thinking of death or that I am just extremely depressed (or something like that) but I guarantee you I am not. I have just been thinking more on the purpose of life. What is life all about? Is life worth the trials that we face even when we experience such joys? More importantly, why did God make me? What is my purpose here on this earth? Am I right where he wants me to be? I still don't have answers to those questions. Especially right now when I feel like I am fighting for everything I hold dear and everything I believe in. So, why exactly am I here? Most days I feel like I am nothing more than a burden. My life seems so mundane and useless. I get up and live the same kind of day every day. I have no influence, authority, don't know or talk to that many people. I'm just a single mom trying to take care of my boys the best way I know how with the help of my parents. I'm not a doctor who saves lives. I'm not a poet or writer who impacts people with their words. I'm not an orator who goes around proclaiming words of wisdom and truth. Once again, why am I here on this earth? Is this as good as it gets?

I may not know the reasons for why God placed me here, but I trust him enough to know he created me for a reason. If I can just help impact one life positively for the kingdom of God, how rewarding that will be. But, have I? That question haunts me most nights. It scares me that I am at the age I'm at today and feel like I don't have that much to give to God if I were to die. What are people going to say about me when I die? What would my eulogy say?

After thinking long and hard on this topic I have come to the conclusion that I would want my eulogy to be completely blank. People exaggerate most times anyway!!! The most amazing thing would be one person after another standing up in front of everyone and saying, " I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jennifer Cantrell is in heaven right now." There would be nothing sadder than to know that someone left my funeral wondering if I made it to heaven or not.

And so I will continue on feeling insignificant in this quest of life that I am on right now. I have decided that my life is not measured in the value system of whether or not I become this noted person in society. Simply, I am resolved anew to keep my eyes focused on the one who created me for a specific reason. A reason I may not know or understand. My greatest desire is to leave my family and friends behind the gift of knowing I am in a better place with my heavenly Father. That no matter what Satan threw at me, or how disappointing life became, I kept my eyes focused on him. That even though Satan was out to destroy me, God sustained me. If I could write my own eulogy.........

25 things...

2009-01-21T23:16:00.000+09:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I have lived my life with only one secret. Now I have so many secrets I don't know what to do with myself. I hate having secrets!!!!

2. Even though the school year is half over, I still get that sick feeling in my stomach every single time I drop Jaden off at school. I wonder when it will go away.....

3. I would rather have other people brag and coo over my kids than do it myself...trust me I think they are awesome. But, I vowed a long time ago not to be an "annoying mom" who thinks her kids are the only one's who exist.

4. I used to be very outgoing and tell it like it is. Basically, I said everything that popped into my little brain leaving no one clueless as to how I feel and why I feel the way I felt. Now, I see that I am quite mysterious. I don't open up to people and I keep my thoughts to myself. Life has a way of changing me that way.

5. One of my goals this year it to not be so mysterious and trust people the first time around. Right now there is only one person that I wholeheartedly trust with everything. That person is my sister and even then I feel cautious telling her everything. I hate that about myself right now!!!!! But, she has NEVER broken her promises to me...NEVER! You have no idea how much that means to me!!!!

6. I love my sister as much as my children! Honest! I love my parents the same to. If I didn't have my family I don't think I could survive life right now.

7. I have never been jealous a day in my life of my sister. Not even when people compare us and tell me to my face how much it must suck to have her as my sister since she is so skinny, beautiful, and intelligent (yes, people can be quite honest sometimes). Never once did it make me jealous of her. Never once have I wished she had some of my flaws. I think she's amazing and the only thing that really frustrates me about her is that she doesn't know how amazing she really is. ....(ugh oh, now I am going to get in trouble! :-)

8. My most genuine prayer is the prayer I pray over my boys... I ask God that if my sons don't make it to heaven when they get older to take them now while they are young and innocent. It is the hardest prayer I pray but my most genuine. That is all I want out of life...that my boys grow up to be godly men!

9. I don't look forward to the teenage years. I think I am going to be one of those moms that all the girls are scared to death of! Seriously! I know too much about what girls are like these days......

10. I have had dreams that later have turned into reality. Scary and creepy I know!!!

11. If only I would dream tonight that I won the lottery..... he he....

12. I have only ever kissed 3 boys in my life. I know shocking...ha ha... I was very picky about who I kissed. I did not want to be one of those girls who kissed all the boys. I wanted my kissing experiences to be special...and, they were.

13. I have a really hard time saying "No", especially if I am asked to do something I think I can perform well. It is especially hard for me to say no when it comes to being involved in the church. I am learning to say no though...it is freeing and satisfying to know I have choices and not to feel ashamed if I don't think I can do them at this point in time.

14. I know this sounds absolutely AWFUL but right now most people bore me. It is work to listen to their petty complaints. I guess for me many things now just seem trivial.

15. When it comes to praying for myself it is always the same... I ask God for wisdom. I feel like I posses very little of it and need so much of it. It overwhelms me!

16. I recently watched "The Twilight" and I was pleasently surprised at how romantic it was. Maybe it is just because I have a been lonely as of late...but I want to go watch it again...only this time not alone. I felt like I was 13 and quite pathetic! LOL!!!

17. I think it is funny that I just admitted all of that. Maybe I am not so mysterious after all!

18. I have wondered quite frequently what it would be like to know what other people think of me...in their deepest thoughts. I wonder and ponder if it would actually benifit me or depress me....if I am not careful I will think on this topic for a long time.

19. I don't understand how some people can hurt someone so often and so gravely. Yet, what baffles me even more is why some people allow the same person to continue to hurt them so extensively.

20. I have a lot of work ahead of me..hence, I have many goals...hence, I look forward to the future.

21. As I sit here trying to come up with something else to say I can't help but wonder if anyone will even read this besides Heather since she tagged me.

22. I have come to the conclusion that I don't care. It has been kinda fun to assess myself and think about who I really am.

23. I have a really huge decision to make and I feel like I have to make it very quickly. The only thing I wish at this point is that I knew what God wanted me to do. Then my decision would be so easy and without any kind of doubt. I know what I must do....but it is hard to actually do it. Why?

24. I still do everything right now for everyone else. I don't think I make hardly any big decisions with myself in mind. Right now I make all my decisions to benifit my children. One day, I will start making some decisions for myself. When that day comes that will be a huge milestone of accomplishment in my book.

25. I should spell check this since I am sure it is full of gramatical and spelling errors. However, I feel too lazy to spell check it since I don't see the little icon to do that at the top of my screen. Get over it...you're going to have to deal with the mistakes this time. What a sweet note to end on...huh?! :-)

Sunday Christmas program

2009-01-09T13:17:00.001+09:00

New Years Celebrating with friends

2009-01-09T13:13:00.001+09:00

Christmas Day 2008

2009-01-09T13:11:00.001+09:00

Christmas Eve @ Brian's

2009-01-09T13:08:00.001+09:00

Naughty or Nice?!

2008-12-10T13:09:00.002+09:00

Naughty or Nice? You decide!

Who Am I.. II?

2008-12-10T08:05:00.001+09:00

I have hit a new stage and feel the need to express and share where I am at today.

I just re-read "Who and I" part I. Many days I still find myself asking those same questions but I don't feel that hopelessness I once felt. Through counseling and many "meetings" (that is what I will call them for now); I have learned alot about myself. I have learned that I have more work ahead of me then I even care to think about but that I can change. I can pick myself up again and go on with life. I have learned that my life is not over, if I choose to do the work to pick up the pieces and move on. I am also learning that I should not blame others, circumstances or even myself for the state I am in. Simply accept the fact that I am where I am and now move on. Re-wire myself to think differently, act differently. It is a very hard thing to do but can be done.

I am proud to say that I am seeing my stubborn side again as well. A few month ago I felt nothing. I was numb and I turned off my feelings because when I did feel something the pain was so overpowering it took my breath away. Now, I am slowly allowing myself to feel again. It does not have to be good feelings either. If I feel angry, I allow it to come out of me and then move on. If I am feeling disappointed I do the same, happy... I feel that too. I have stopped trying to be something I am not. That has been hard for me but has been good for me also. No more pretense. I don't have to act perfect. I am not perfect, so why pretend? It takes too much energy out of me that I still don't have fully back yet. My stubborn streak is saying to me..."Jenn, you can do it! You can overcome these obstacles you have if you determine not to allow your pain and circumstances to defeat you." My stubborn streak is also telling me to believe in the things I have been brought up to believe. Stop doubting the truth that I know. The truth that God exists and he is out to work everything for my good, because I love him. That he is on my side and he has not given me more than I can bear. I also know that he is fighting my battles for me, I may not see it now but I know he is fighting on my behalf. Not only that but when I can't even pray, he prays for me....with uttering and groaning the holy spirit prays for me. If anyone knows what I need it is him. He knows everything. I don't have to tell him my story or try to explain to him how I am feeling. I don't have to....he knows. He knows what I need even when I don't. And, best of all, he knows what my boys need.

So, maybe I still can't trust all humans around me. Maybe there is still always that shimmer of doubt that I will be betrayed. That I should not trust. But, I am glad to say that I AM trusting God fully again. Bad things have happened to me. A lot of bad things, no denying that. Did he allow them to happen? Was this all part of his infinite plan for my life? Right now I really can't say and to be honest I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I know without a doubt that when God promises something, he will ALWAYS fulfill it. I TRUST HIM! I no longer feel betrayed by him. I simply trust in the things I don't understand because I have someone I can trust in, who understand everything! I praise him!