The Lack of Life of George "the" Bastard

Discount sushi

2008-07-02T11:41:00.002-04:00

Sleep does not come easy to a bastard. The night is there for drinking and plotting evil schemes. Unfortunately some activity is occasionally being required of me in mornings, so I've been trying to get some sleep.

With absolutely no success.

Last night it was suggested that I try taking a herbal supplement to get to sleep. It's like drugs, but not drugs, and you can buy them at stores that have "Green", "Earth", "Whole" or "Maaaan" in their names. I got out of Feral Chihuahuas a few minutes before Greenlife closed, so I figured I'd give it a go.

At Greenlife, at 9:30pm, they mark down all the unsold sushi.

Herbal sleep pills + discount sushi = guaranteed all-night insomniac delusion.

Show #3 wrap-up

2008-07-01T12:42:00.002-04:00

Where does the time go? Week #3 was the show I was dreading the most, having to try to hold a tune (or at least a harmony), and some long acting parts that I was having a tough time in remembering.

I have this thing against conventional sketches (though I write enough of them), where there's either a set-up person and a funny person, or there's one character that is the focus of the piece, or the "general" of the piece so that everyone else works off them. I get more enjoyment out of writing pieces that change direction, and have different characters lading the action at different times.

This makes anything I wrote a pain in the ass to memorise.

But everything came off well, and both shows were much better than I expected. If you weren't there (shame on you), you missed the writing debut of Drew McDermott, who you'll be seeing a lot more of (and probably more in unitards), a fascinating flight into scatology by Kevin Anderson the writing machine, another of Katie's insights into why men are the inferior race (next week, look for me in one of Katie's bizarrest offerings yet), and another George "the" Bastard/Tommy Calloway musical production. Forget John and Taupin, the next generation of rock superstardom is going to be Calloway and Bastard!

I'm enjoying immensely the "cringe" reaction from people in the front row to my stand-up, particularly the set-up lines. Come for the hysterical sketch comedy, stay for your chance to be made to feel uncomfortable.

More guerrilla filming on the weekend. It's a lot of fun to sneak into buildings and alleys, set up a camera, grab a few shots and leave, particularly in outrageous costumes and wigs.

This week's show is going to feature a little something for everyone, and a new one for me - most of the time I write a self-contained sketch and leave it at that, but by popular demand, I've penned my first sequel to a sketch. So if you liked the Holistic Omniversal Learning Experience sketch from last year (a home-schooled boy's visit to an alternative learning academy), make sure you get a ticket this week to see the further adventures of Briyan.

More singing

2008-06-25T08:39:00.002-04:00

Show 3 rehearsals are underway. There are ambitious musical plans for show 3 which involves me not only singing, but attempting to hold a tune.

I was in a choir when I was in grad school, and I was such a bad singer I was made the choir director so that audiences wouldn't be subjected to my voice.

Tommy made me a CD of my part and the whole song. If you get a ride with the Bastard this week, expect to be able to sing along with this CD. I wish I had to go somewhere far this week, I'd make a point of picking up a hitchhiker and making them listen to this one track a few thousand times.

After I get done with this week's show, I think I'll keep the CD just in case the opportunity arises.

Parking 101

2008-06-23T14:08:00.002-04:00

Had to laugh at a parked van I spotted this afternoon. Not sure how visible the sign is on the board, but it said "Reserved". I hope it was reserved for them.

Wearing coffee

2008-06-23T11:20:00.002-04:00

If there's one thing I can guarantee, it's that I will have poured coffee over either an item of clothing or myself before the end of the morning. Maybe this is what is wrong with education, we don't teach young people how to drink coffee without getting half of it on your shorts. That's my excuse for the brown stains and I'm sticking to it.

Sad to hear about George Carlin this morning. Saw him about 15 years ago and he was funny and abrasive - he really knew how to push the buttons of an audience. I was an aspiring stand-up comic (how things change) and was in awe of his command of the crowd. Now I feel bad about not going to his show in Asheville, but I really couldn't afford it at the time.

What a weekend! The first show was a sell-out and went well. The new chihuahuas did an excellent job in both writing and performing, and I got to try out an American accent (the thing I hate the most about my acting is that I can't lose my natural voice, so any accents sound really forced - Peter Sellers had the same thing going for him, but it didn't stop him). One thing I miss about our tight schedule is that I don't really get to talk to the audience after the first show - if you were there, feel free to leave feedback on the blog about what worked, what didn't, what you'd like to see. I had to grab something from outside between shows and met a really funny couple who had never seen the show before and wanted to know how we had so many wigs.

The second show was probably the closest to a perfect line-through we are ever going to get. We didn't quite sell out the second show, but we had the rowdier crowd, and I love rowdy! Got to talk to a few people after the second show who had never been before and had a good time.

I had to bolt from our show to the best of No Shame show at NC Stage. Chall and Jonathan did a great job of putting it together, since the No Shamers are a pretty raggedy bunch. I had seen most of the pieces before - I hadn't seen Jim Julien's taste bud thing before and it was pretty awesome. Jim must spend 23 hours a day making costumes, signs and props (Jim, if you're reading this, what was in the flap under your hat?). Feral Chihuahuas ruled the Best of No Shame, as both myself and Kevin Anderson had pieces performed.

Karen Stobbe was at No Shame as well - she and Mondy Carter have a show coming up in the 35 Below Comedy series that should be worth a look. Mondy takes clean(ish) improv to an impressive new level.

How much Bastard can you take tonight?

2008-06-21T14:15:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Tony Kiss for putting us in the "Today In Asheville" section of the Citizen-times.

If you're lucky enough to have a ticket for tonight's show, you'll get to hear more of George "the" Bastard singing, and we'll be debuting the sketches by some of the new writing talents of the Feral Chihuahuas. Katie wrote two pieces that crack me up, John has another new flight of fancy to follow on from his strong debut sketch about the politically-correct joke teller, and contributing writer Kevin penned our show opener. Early show is at 8, late show at 9:30.

I'll be dashing off after the Feral Chihuahuas show to play a part in my sketch "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" at the Best of No Shame Theatre. It gets started at 11 - $5 gets you in.

Is the word ready for two George "the" Bastard pieces being performed at different venues on the one night?

NPR Gets Feral

2008-06-20T09:31:00.002-04:00

Despite the generosity of listeners like you; Tommy, Andrew and myself are going to be interviewed on WCQS just after noon today. We'll be plugging our upcoming shows, discussing new members, and how it came to be that there are so many British caricatures roaming the streets.

I love doing radio - way way way back I used to do a weekly comedy radio show with two very talented comedians (well one really talented comedian and one guy who was great on the board).

So tune in to find out what happens - if you're not in Asheville you can stream it through the link above.

In case the Reverend is looking in...

2008-06-19T15:12:00.002-04:00

The Pleasure Saucer suddenly got a content warning on it, and when I click the thingy that says "Yes, I'm a big boy and I'm allowed to look at salacious offerings without it warping my tiny formative mind", it still doesn't take me to the site.

Amazing how tastefully presented semi-smut is blocked and my mad ravings are accessible to children everywhere.

Cleaning fluid tastes yummy and works for a sore throat.

Great picture, Citizen-Times!

2008-06-17T12:44:00.002-04:00

With apologies to Ben, this picture cracked me up.

Somewhere, in deepest darkest Woodfin...

2008-06-17T12:16:00.002-04:00

The demise of the Woodfin Theater Shack caused a move of Chihuahua H.Q. to a newer, even less-disclosed location.

We're hard at work rehearsing for the shows, four rehearsals a week. The new H.Q. is nice, well-appointed, has a working fridge and is carpeted in places, which is good because we all seem to be writing sketches where falling over is an integral part of the piece.

The only drawback is that it is open to the outside world, which is people driving by in their cars, and the people across the road. I would like to write a sit-com about the people who live across the road from Feral H.Q.

One of them likes to drink beer and water his garden shirtless at night. There's either a really skanky son or a really skanky daughter, or both who are dating each other. If there's a mother, she's locked in an upstairs room with a single window. There is a dog, but it appears to change every night. Dogsformer.

I hope they are dealing well with us singing songs about pedophilia or shouting "nipples" at late hours.

Week 1 is in the books!

2008-06-15T19:01:00.003-04:00

Both shows were sellouts with turn-away crowds and a LOT of people who hadn't seen us before!

Tommy, Andrew, Dick and I spent Saturday afternoon painting the Chihuahuas logos on the set at 35 Below. I am a truly horrible artist and this was the first painting I'd done that didn't involve my fingers. After Tommy touched it up, it was presentable, and I loved the way they looked for the show last night.

First time performing sketches since the Halloween show last year, and the new rehearsal schedule paid off well. I got most of my lines right on cue, didn't mess anything up on the sketches and those of you who were there got a rare opportunity to hear me sing.

First show was an interesting crowd, a real mix of people. Stand-up went over well, and I knew we were going to have a good time. Technical problems fouled up one of the videos we had planned on showing, which was a pity, but the final video piece of the night was a real winner. Our new Chihuahuas each took the stage for the first time, and did a great job. I really enjoyed working with Drew on our sketch about how improv is lazy, he got through what could have been a dicey situation.

Second show was an interesting one. I think that all our performances were better on the second show, but it was much more a smile audience (in a few cases a "walk out" audience, thanks for the vertical applause!) than a laugh audience. They went for the visual gags more. I think everyone that stayed for the whole show had a good time.

New show next week that I'm really excited about, and I'm going to go straight from our second show to the Best of No Shame at NC Stage (George "the" Bastard dominating the Asheville theater scene by having pieces performed at two venues at the same night!).

If you want to see us, you're really going to have to get tickets in advance! You can order tickets now for any show in the season through the Asheville Community Theatre website (click on "Buy Tickets Now" when you get there).

Make sure you catch some of the other acts in the series as well - I went to the OxyMorons show on Friday night and they just keep getting sharper and more funny. This slimmed-down version of the group is tight!

More publicity

2008-06-13T14:09:00.002-04:00

There's a terrific article in this week's Take 5.

It's worth finding a copy of the freebie edition of this, mad props to whoever did the cover and did the shadow pictures of our mug shots from the web site (if whoever did that happens to be reading this, let me know if I can get a copy), and to see a shot from the Halloween Carol special last year as a centerfold.

The Bastard is a centerfold. Na na nanana na na nanana na na naaaaaa...

Feral Chihuahuas in Mountain Xpress today

2008-06-11T10:04:00.002-04:00

While doing this interview, I tried to creep out Aiyanna Sezak-Blatt by sitting really close to her and shouting obscenities in her face. I was expecting her to wear a pork-pie hat with a little "Press" ticket in it and she wasn't.

It worked.

Feral Chihuahuas Onslaught Begins

2008-06-09T16:39:00.003-04:00

Check out the new Feral Chihuahuas website - major overhaul, sexy new look and lots of blue.

For more Feral Pictures, we're on flickr

The (appropriately) last picture on the flickr site is this shot of me doing stand-up, apparently quite constipated. And being stalked by a TV.

It all starts this week!

2008-06-09T15:45:00.002-04:00

A huge success last year, and it's back again. Feral Chihuahuas shows most Saturday nights, a lot of super improv with the OxyMorons, regulars LYLAS and Scott Bunn with Tom Chalmers, and a few newcomers. 35 Below is the place to be!

You can buy tickets online from the main ACT page, or by calling ACT at 828-254-1320

I took a few days to head out of town before rehearsals started - one of the highlights of my trip was a visit to Yankee Stadium to watch the Blue Jays play the Yankees. Here's a possibly drunk bastard after a game.

It's a little different to McCormick field.

So get your tickets now to see the Feral Chihuahuas debut! New chihuahuas, film pieces, musical guests and all the sketch comedy you can handle - finally sketch comedy has come back to Saturday Night!

Since we're one Chihuahua fewer than last year, expect to see a bit more of George "the" Bastard's acting chops. And just like last year, each show will start with new, never-before seen stand-up from the Bastard.

It's happening again

2008-05-18T16:21:00.002-04:00

Nine all-new shows. Last year was only the beginning!

Another night of No Shame

2008-05-18T13:57:00.002-04:00

Up above is the video from March No Shame, if you want to see "The Guidance Counselor" by George "the" Bastard, cue it up to 10:40. Anyone know how to edit these yourself? And thanks for those of you who have voted for "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" to go into the Best Of No Shame show next month. Keep voting, create new email accounts and send in your votes!

Last night's show was slick, not a lot of hiccups. I brought an odd sketch that ended up going on second-last (this is what happens when you warn a cast that they have a habit of putting my things first). One of the odder No Shames I've been to, some really out-there pieces, some terrible stuff, a few really funny patches. I got a few first-timers as cast members, and they had fun with the piece, and I learned a little bit about what people find funny, and how I write awkward phrases for female characters. Also a pleasant surprise to see Gordon from Scrutiny Hooligans there (well, I saw him leaving so I assume he was there).

Best of No Shame is June 21. Make it a double feature with the Feral Chihuahuas show!

Go See Robot Johnson!

2008-05-18T13:38:00.002-04:00

I caught Friday night's Robot Johnson show in Charlotte. The start was a little slow, but about a third of the way in the sketches really picked it up and were consistently hilarious. They do things a little like the Feral Chihuahuas (only with live music between sketches, good band too) - show was right on an hour long, about nine live sketches, some music. They also change their show every week, they have a loose theme to the shows - this weekend's was racism.

So if you're in Charlotte over any of the next several weekends, go see their show, downtown at the Spirit Square (where little old ladies sell you beer outside). $15 well spent!

The Bastard in Charlotte

2008-05-18T13:35:00.003-04:00

As promised before, here are some lousy cameraphone shots of George "the" Bastard in action in Charlotte. Strangely enough, I'm only drinking in one of them.

I had a great time in Charlotte. Thanks for laughing.

Sick man

2008-05-15T16:07:00.001-04:00

The Fat man of Comedy declared George "the" Bastard a sick man after my set last night. Funny evening, ended up going onstage three hours and several beers later than I expected. Pictures to come soon.

No Mountain Xpress for you, Bastard (edited)

2008-05-12T10:37:00.003-04:00

The same day that I get a mention in Brian Postelle's Blog Log (thanks Brian), I had my first comment disallowed on the Mountain Xpress message boards. About time someone kept the public safe from the Bastard. (edit - the comment went up. It was a pretty lame provocative joke, but it went up anyway).

After a script meeting last night (where an idea I had some concerns over was met by a lot of laughter, so I'll keep running with it), we watched the tape of the last year's Halloween show. Been a long time since I've watched my stand-up on tape, and I remember blogging that I didn't get a great response on the first set, but on the tape, there were a lot more laughs than I remember. I also look pretty evil when I smile, I like that look.

Watching the rest of the show... both Andrew and I talked at the end about needing to watch the pacing. We zoomed through some lines that were getting laughs and wouldn't have been heard by the audience. I'm working on my acting, but I'm still a truly abysmal actor, especially if I have to stand around in a character for any period of time. I fidget too much. And I can't do accents to save myself.

I'm going on the road this week to hone my stand-up skills and re-work some old material. There's a routine I used to do in Canada (actually I did it once at the former Asheville Comedy Club, but there were only about 8 people in the audience) that I want to bring back - it uses audience participation, and that hasn't been a hallmark of George "The" Bastard.

I'll be back in Asheville for the weekend, and planning to bring something truly weird to No Shame on Saturday May 17th (just in time for you to vote for it, if you like it, for the Best of No Shame).

George "The" Bastard helps you understand

2008-05-10T08:21:00.002-04:00

A rare crossposting - Shad over at Nice Marmot had a post that ticked my bastard juices (and tickled bastard juice is a rare commodity). His list of things he doesn't get...

Anime
The “Left Behind” Series
Ron Paul
People Magazine
My Space
Conversations about the weather
Dog People
Shopping
Fascination with/interest in the Olsen Twins (or insert other “celebrity” here)
people who litter (especially those who do so in my front lawn)
Books on CD/tape
James Patterson
NASCAR
Baseball as a metaphor for America

My response...

Anime: Because tentacle rape of teenage girls by evil demons is acceptable if it has squeaky Japanese voices behind it.
Left behind: The right behind has been squeezed too much
Ron Paul: Now you can be the white H.K. Edgerton
People magazine: Most people buy it for the crossword, some finish it.
My space: because registered sex offenders find it difficult to leave the house
Conversations about the weather: No, you can’t leave yet, I haven’t decided if I want to fuck you or kill you
Dog People: There to maintain the balance between cat people and sane people who see all animals as walking meat
Shopping: One of Sean Pertwee’s early films, wasn’t a big hit, but worth a look, there’s a young Jude Law in there too.
Fascination with underage celebrities: Those comedy romance movies from the 40s-60s were sometimes called “Delayed fuck” movies - the pair couldn’t do it until several conditions were met. Now we just masturbate until they’re 18. And when it turns out we’re not the first to fuck them, we enjoy their decline and demise.
People who litter your front lawn: reminds me, I have to do something with that bag from the fast food I had for breakfast. To the shaddump.
Books on tape: Mostly for fans of topology
James Patterson: his books are named after nursery rhymes, so they’re easy to remember. Soon he’ll run out and have to use “Wee Willie Winkie” and that will be the end of him.
NASCAR: fills the gap between church and bed
Baseball as a metaphor for America: There’s cheating, drugs, massive sums of cash going to poseurs, token inclusion of Canadians, a massive influx of Latinos and the rest of the world doesn’t like it or get it. IT IS AMERICA!

Haven't had enough voting yet?

2008-05-09T12:00:00.002-04:00

Then vote for either "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" or "The Guidance Counselor" for the Best of No Shame - help a Bastard out.

Business cards for Feral Chihuahuas with a list of our show dates for summer should be popping up all over town. I dumped some at Caffiend this morning, and will be going on a downtown drinking and carding tour later today. Let me know if you want some, or have a place of business that would love to display Asheville's funniest team.

I'm heading down to Charlotte next week to spread the funny.

Clunky, but viewable...

2008-05-07T22:36:00.002-04:00

The clips of No Shame Theater are up on Google Video Beta. Unless one of my more video-savvy people can figure out how to do an extract, here's one that features writing by George "The" Bastard.

February 9th - "Autoerotic Asphyxiation". Intro starts at 24:35

Cameras are rolling

2008-05-06T10:42:00.002-04:00

We're filming the video inserts for the new Feral Chihuahuas season - scripts are flowing in and we're putting together some great shows for you (posters and business cards appearing all over Asheville as I type).

I got a little sunburned on Sunday, but nothing beats wearing silly costumes in semi-public places while people are driving back from chuch. There was a brown van that had to have come past 5 times (probably couldn't store all the bodies in the back).

Shows start on June 15 and you are not going to want to miss these.