The Lack of Life of George "the" Bastard

Was that a week?

2009-07-10T18:56:00.002-04:00

Been one crazy week here in Bastardville, three shows, a mystery illness, some travel and some more travel coming up soon.

The first two Feral Chihuahuas shows are in the bag, and if you missed them, make sure you catch some of the remaining shows. If you were there, you know you need to catch more of the shows. Great audiences each night, delicious drinks, venue rocking, and the stage for Feralton helps out a lot with the show.

Got an unexpected laugh on Saturday night by being caught on stage moving scenery and throwing myself behind a curtain, so look for a few more stage-hand antics. I am not in that many sketches, so I try to make sure that I'm setting the stage to make it look good.

Monday was my first show at Razcals - great to see some of the Drinking Liberally people there, and a few new faces (the couple from Alabama, if you've made it here, hi!). Looks like those shows are building a reasonable crowd, but it would be nice if they could be a bit more popular.

Didn't make it to a bunch of things at the end of the week with some mystery stomach bug, and I'm travelling the next few days, but I'll be back in Asheville next weekend for more Feral Chihuahuaness!

So in my absence, go see the Oxymorons at Razcals on Monday night at 8pm. Drinks specials, free show and now air conditioning!

And get yourself a ticket to go see the next Feral Chihuahuas shows. Come see new stand-up, and hear me attempt an Austrian accent.

Welcome to Feralton!

2009-07-03T12:27:00.003-04:00

The Feral Chihuahuas media onslaught continues with an article in Take 5 today. We're also mentioned in Tony Kiss's Today in Asheville.

Last night we finished putting together the set and the technical details for the summer series. We've gone ambitious - there's a set for Feralton, creepy Feral Chihuahuas will be looking at you from all angles, and we've re-set the stage so there should be none of the bad lines of viewing that there were in a few sketches in the April Fools show. I put an impressive blister on my thumb working on these sets.

I've got some new (some of it topical, but I promise - no Michael Jackson jokes) stand-up to open proceedings tonight and tomorrow night.

Semi-dress rehearsal with the new set went well last night. We have never rehearsed as much for one show (whether that will show tonight is a matter for debate and debauchery).

Shows are July 3 and 4 at 8pm. There's still tickets available for both nights, $10 online or at the door (if any tickets are left or anyone walks out in disgust - I call that "vertical applause").

Get your tickets now, and all aboard for Feralton!

If that wasn't enough comedy (or Bastard) for you, I'm also doing improv with the OxyMorons at Razcals at 8pm on Monday night. I'll be coming up with one-liners based on your ideas, so come out and stump the Bastard!

Tickets on sale now for July 3 & 4 Feral Chihuahuas Show

2009-06-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

We're just four days away!

Here's what's in store for this week's show

The debut of new Feral Chihuahua Adam Meier - see him on film, see him live
A new set constructed for this summer season
Hysterical live sketches and films that you will see nowhere else
Two musical acts
Stand-up from George "the" Bastard
Pre-show slide-show - come early, sit close and enjoy some pretertainment

Get your tickets now - there's limited seating, and our last show sold out well in advance. Select a date from the drop down menu and you're on your way to Feralton!

What's funny in Asheville? Lots of Bastardry!

2009-06-25T14:04:00.002-04:00

In between rehearsing for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas season-opener I'm going to be in a few shows over the weekend.

It's the third year of the Asheville Community Theater's Late Night Comedy Series at 35 Below, and this weekend will be two shows by the Oxymorons. These will be the first shows to really feature some of the newer members of the improv group, and will be my re-introduction to improv.

Shows are Friday and Saturday nights, 8pm at 35 Below (enter on Market St). Tickets are only $10

After the show on Saturday, I'll be heading down to NC Stage Company for the Best of No Shame Theatre - my piece "The Rise and Fall of the Alliteranation" was nominated. Show starts at 11 and should be a riot. Tickets are $5 at the door - this will be one of the strangest shows you will ever see!

Why didn't I think of that? And can I steal their idea.

2009-06-25T12:58:00.002-04:00

The online Citizen-Times is reporting that a play (involving original music) about Asheville's homeless is going to be produced in Virginia.

Ideas this awesome never come along - homeless people, the musical? When it gets produced, I volunteer to be the ticket-taker.

Hey man, I just need you to come see my show, you see my old lady is with my car at the garage and I just need $3.57 to get to her or I'll lose my car. God bless.

Maybe there'll be room in it for Matt

Get your Tickets Now - Feral Chihuahuas Summer Season!!!!

2009-06-24T09:53:00.006-04:00

Au revoir, hair

2009-06-22T12:11:00.002-04:00

Decided to try a new, leaner, meaner, more slim-lined Bastard look for this summer so I cut off most of my hair on Friday.

Rehearsals for the July 3 and 4 Feral Chihuahuas shows start tonight! It's going to be a great show, tickets should be available in the next day or two from our brand-new website.

Tonight you can catch the Oxymorons live at Razcals - I can't be there tonight but that just means that "beer sausage" most likely will not get used in a game.

Au revoir, Caffiend

2009-06-17T11:54:00.002-04:00

Mountain Xpress is reporting that the favorite coffee haunt of the Bastard is shutting down tomorrow.

I know it had come close a couple of times, but I was always keeping my fingers crossed - the idea was brilliant, the coffee good, the crowd extremely dingy and sour. They were a sponsor of the Feral Chihuahuas two years ago and I ran a pretty decent open mic night there (with an ugly fallout, but that wasn't Caffiend's fault).

Now I'm going to need to find a new place for morning coffee (it was pointed out on the weekend that I always have either a beer or a coffee in hand).

There's going to be a closeout bash for Caffiend tomorrow night, I'll stop by.

BEER SAUSAGE!!!

2009-06-16T10:18:00.004-04:00

I didn't end up on stage at Razcal's last night, I chatted with the owner and threw in "helpful" suggestions from the crowd. The new owner has really changed the feel of the place, there's an airy game room, amusing food and some very friendly staff. Not a huge crowd, interesting thing was that people who were clearly not there expecting a show stayed and had a good time. I hope we can advertise the next one (NEXT MONDAY 8PM - most likely I'll not be in the cast for this one since I'm scheduled for a Feral Chihuahuas researsal that night).

However there is one other great reason to go to Razcals

BEER SAUSAGE!!!!

This is the greatest name for a menu item ever.

So come out next Monday for some Improv and BEER SAUSAGE

A little bit of Bastard tonight (just a little)

2009-06-15T11:18:00.003-04:00

Tonight is the first of the new OxyMorons shows at Razcals. It's a free show, and I've heard the food there has picked up in quality severely. I'm going to be in a few of the larger games, so stop by for a drink and a laugh - show starts at 8pm.

I caught the Beards of Comedy show at 35 Below on Friday. Small crowd, really needed a bit of punching to warm up - this may be an Asheville thing, I've found out if I come out and start shouting and getting in people's faces straight away I get a better reaction than if I try to feel my way into a set. Always tough going to the first show in a series, so I hope they got some good crowds and laughers as the weekend went on.

We're getting closer and closer to the Feral Chihuahuas season opener! July 3 at Asheville Arts Center - more details and ticket information here soon!

The last temptation of Caine

2009-06-12T16:37:00.002-04:00

Well, it appears that David Carradine left this world while choking little grasshopper. What is amazing is that people hunting all around the interweebs for Autoerotic Asphyxiation are landing on our YouTube video of my Autoerotic Asphyxiation sketch from last year's summer season - we're over 20,000 hits on it!

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that "The Rise and Fall of the Alliteranation" has been picked for this year's Best of No Shame Theatre, which will be on June 26 at 11pm. I read through it again this week, and I think it's a neat little sketch - doesn't really fit with the work I've been doing with the Feral Chihuahuas but it was fun to write. So it will probably be put to bed after this show - come on out on the 26th at 10pm (come straight from the OxyMorons show and double your Bastard in the one night)!

Stretch your funny weekend out this weekend by coming to see the first OxyMorons show at Razcals on Monday! 8pm for the return of improv to places that legitimately serve alcohol, woohoo.

Wow - this is how you cross the line?

2009-06-10T12:48:00.002-04:00

I have a great fondness for "The Chaser" - their urban guerilla stuff (they were the ones who got an Osama Bin Laden impersonator into APEC) is great, but some of their sketch comedy stuff is not so hot. However I'm pretty amazed that they were taken off the air for this sketch (I laughed at it).

The head of ABC comedy was axed because of it.

In the end I'm wondering "why didn't I think of that?"

35 Below Summer Comedy Series is Back

2009-06-08T13:53:00.003-04:00

The Feral Chihuahuas are waving a fond farewell to our home of the last two years, 35 Below at the Asheville Community Theatre. It was a terrific venue and the shows there were a lot of fun, but we had to turn a lot of fans away, so we've got a new venue for our shows - we'll be starting our series at the Asheville Arts Center.

35 Below is running the Third Annual Late Night Comedy series (and there's a chance you might even see George "the" Bastard performing). It kicks off this weekend with the Beards of Comedy, highly recommended by the Robot Johnson guys.

And if you make it all the way to Monday, come see the FREE show at Razcals featuring the OxyMorons.

Or go take advantage of the free live show this week downtown that will be the fans of Phish and the Beastie Boys.

The Feral Chihuahuas Are Back

2009-06-08T13:49:00.002-04:00

Are you ready Asheville - July 3 and 4 is our first show of out new Summer Season! Tickets will be on sale soon

Here's "CherDonna" from last season's finale show - another Calloway/Bastard production.

Oh joy, the Beastie Boys

2009-06-04T14:20:00.002-04:00

Asheville is about to go berzerk about the Beastie Boys, who I thought had disappeared into a black hole of their own hype men in about 1989. I've had a couple of people ask if I'm interested in going, which makes you realise just how few friends you really have.

It may be worth showing up just to see what the crowd is like. Does Asheville have enough lime green track suits in stock?

Can't find anything funny to do? Read the Asheville Citizen-Times!

2009-05-29T14:27:00.002-04:00

It's always worth a peek at the online Asheville Citizen-Times because at random times during the day they put up stories with a minimum of spellchecking, editing and aforethought.

Today, the Bastard's favorite street name makes an appearance. I guess the subheading was declared too bland. On the other hand it is rather a nice Friday morning to be sitting out in downtown Asheville with open containers of beer and cocaine. I think she was just making the most of things.

This headline conjures up some more stunning visuals on a slow news day (apart from beer and cocaine on Short Coxe!). Phish phans are phucking coming and they will clog the streets of Asheville. You know if there's any city well-equipped for the onslaught of broke smelly jam band fans, you'd think it would be Asheville.

I'm back - Asheville get ready

2009-05-27T12:06:00.002-04:00

I had one of the least stressful returns to the US ever - my passport and documentation are usually such a mess that leaving or entering any country is a hassle. I have a green card, four cancelled visas, an Australian passport and am usually drunk getting on or getting off a plane. It's tempting when you're an immigration official to dwell on the cancelled visas. In Philadelphia once I spent a few hours quality time in the little room they keep you in when they aren't sure if they're going to let you in to the country. Hilarity continued to ensue as by the time they let me out of the little room, my suitcase had been considered abandoned and everything was laid out all over two tables of another little room that they had for miscreants.

In any case I'm back and I'm embarking on a few new things.

Last night I did my first full-on improv show in about 20 years, performing with the OxyMorons for the last show at Buddha Bagels. Great audience, fun night, trying to impersonate Jack Nicholson I decided I sounded like Dick Sargeant and ran with it (unfortunately the game ended before I could suggest a foursome with the other Jack Nicholson, Nicole Kidman and Elizabeth Montgomery). I'll be doing some more shows with the OxyMorons, so watch this space for details.

The Feral Chihuahuas (new website coming soon!) are getting ready for a new summer season opening on the 4th of July Weekend! I'm writing away for this at the moment, we've got new writers, some great ideas and each show is going to be a spectacular. This year we're going to do the same show on Friday and Saturday nights, so there's no excuse for missing the best sketch comedy in Asheville. After the success of the April 1st extravaganza we're going to step up to the bigger venue - you'll be able to get tickets here soon.

Coming soon is the next Vortex Cabaret - sorry I missed the first one. This is going to be one cheap, weird and funny show.

Keep checking back to the Lack of Life for updates on local comedy and bastardry. It's good to be back.

What do you eat in America?

2009-05-18T17:30:00.002-04:00

At lunch yesterday I was asked that very odd question by my step-grandmother (let's call her step-nanabastard). Several good answers came to mind, but I settled on "a lot". However we were having this conversation as I was about to tuck into a pretty Australian, all things considered, lunch. Now in the US we have the Outbreak chain of restaurants who claim to be the custodians of Antipodean cuisine, but I'm not sure if they really come up to the bizarrity that is the Australian palate.

I chose the signature chicken dish for the place I was at yesterday, and it was grilled chicken with satay sauce, guacamole and sour cream. Kind of tex-mex-thai. The classic Australian dish is a meal in a single course, something very savoury, something meaty, and something sweety in the one dish.

So next time you're at home and thinking "I'll cook Australian" just add these three ingredients together and you've got the perfect Aussie dish.

Pork a la Bastard:

Grill a pork chop, top it with feta cheese and olives, and cover it in raspberry jam.

It's easy to cook Australian with the Bastard!

The Unabbaiodable

2009-05-16T19:09:00.003-04:00

There are two things that just aren't a big deal in the US, but in Australia some people care and I can't really see why, but I'm suckered in anyway.

The Eurovision Song Contest, which has provided the world with ABBA, two or three one-hit wonders (Buck's Fizz anyone?) and a quarter century of nonentities is on TV running over three whole nights. The first night (a "semi" final where 18 countries started but only 10 got to move on) had a lot of time to fill, so they'd show the first song, then recap that song while getting the second song ready. Then you'd have a recap of the first two songs while the third song was prepared. The first song, which appeared to be performed by Belarusian pirate fetishists on stilts, made 18 appearances, but still didn't get to the second round. Apparently someone will win, and their CD will be prominent in the discount section of Serbian branches of Best Buy for the next three weeks.

Speaking of ABBA... we as a country have refused to let go. Yesterday, in honor of the Eurovision Song contest, I heard three ABBA songs on the radio (and the Australian in me came out, as I found myself subconsciously mumbling along with "I Had a Dream:"), and a few million mentions that the 295th re-run of "ABBA: The Movie" a concert film of ABBA in Australia in 1976 was going to be shown on Saturday prime time.

If you're thinking of bringing a country to its kness, kidnap ABBA and demand what you want from Australia, we'll give it to you.

Things you take for granted

2009-05-14T23:40:00.002-04:00

The internet in Australia is expensive. I remember it being that way when I was a University student, and it's gotten even more so. You pay per megabyte, and it's funny to watch what my laptop, Pornputer, chews through while it's "idly" connected to the interweebs. Just signing in to the Lack of Life took up almost a megabyte, and therefore cost me 10 cents. I don't think it's worth that much.

In my apartment in Asheville, a check for wireless access points shows at least 20 of them, and five or so of them are "scab internets" where I can log in and steal someone else's connection. There's nothing like that around here. On the rare occasion I can find a wireless hotspot it's locked down! So I got a prepaid wireless broadband doohickey. It plugs into the back of pornputer and dials up a wireless connection. Pretty nifty stuff - once my $10 of internet has run out (hopefully not before the happy ending), I can call up the nice people in Bangmanilastan and either give them more money for more internet or order nasi goreng to go.

Bastard Internationale

2009-05-12T22:23:00.003-04:00

OK, well I'm in Australia, and I'll be here for a few weeks. Reliving a few Bastard roots, I'm sitting right now in the bedroom I inhabited as a little Bastard (now a computer den). I'm getting a kick out of printing things out on larger sheets of paper, and watching the water circle the other way as I expel the remnants of Qantas cuisine.

My flight out of Asheville was delayed by three beers, but I managed to make my connections in Charlotte and Los Angeles. Qantas have a camera on the tail of the airplane, so you can watch takeoff and landing from a little video screen in front of you. I'd put some sort of deliberate warp on it so it looks like you're coming in to the runway at a crazy angle. When we landed in Melbourne, people in surgical masks got on the plane to make sure nobody has the sniffles. Thus far swine flu has stayed out of Australia, and apparently they think the spread can be having incoming international flights met by people in surgical masks. We all had to stay in our seats as they scoured the plane. I thought about coughing out of principle.

Au revoir, friend of the bastard

2009-05-02T14:05:00.003-04:00

The Lack of Life is saddened by the loss of The Computer In The Cow Box, who left this world in the fading days of April, aged 9.

The Computer In The Cow Box is preceded in death by most of Gateway Computers, the Zip Disk system, an external DVD burner, the internal modem, Windows XP and its original Epson printer. It is survived by a Motorola cable modem, an Epson 3-in-1, and an elderly 15-inch CRT monitor.

Recent bastardries

2009-04-19T14:28:00.002-04:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks since the last Feral Chihuahuas show, but there's some excitement coming up soon.

It looks like the next Feral Chihuahuas show is going to be Independence Day weekend, with the working title of "After Birth Of A Nation, What Now?". I'm writing patriotic pieces, but also hoping to get a few of the usual Bastard things slipped through that don't necessarily match the theme. Time and ticket details will be available here as soon as I know.

In the interim we're working on some short films and the eagerly-anticipated URTV episodes. We're going to make some internet-only films and video pieces, I'll be trialling some of them here.

I missed the start of No Shame Theater last night, but it looked like it was going to be a great show. I figured I was going to fall asleep, so I ducked out.

Vortex Cabaret is coming soon... more details on that when I know them.

Things are heating up, I'm going to try to take some time to write more regular posts, so look back for more regular injections of the Bastard in your lives.

Blog Neglect

2009-04-09T17:55:00.002-04:00

The show last week was so amazing that it broke my toe, gave me a horrible head cold and kept me away from the blog for a week. Now that's a good show!

Amazing - we had a turnaway crowd (usually we turn crowds away with some of the performances, but this time we had to actually say "there's no room for you at this show")! We could have managed a few things better, but the large crowd really took us aback, we went on late because we were trying to squeeze as many people in as possible.

Show was great - if you were in the audience and are reading, that was the best response I've had to a stand-up set in years. That reminder that I read made me laugh for hours and I'm glad I could share the supreme creepyness of it with the audience. I need to do some more stand-up, looks like there's a good chance for a lot more Asheville performances starting in May (I prefer to spread it around, but I'll work on some new material). I'm writing for the summer season of Feral Chihuahuas - if you were at the show you got a healthy dose of my material - and trying a few new twists on sketches. I've not been good at writing physical humor into sketches, but I've had a few ideas that involve movement and space.

This weekend we'll make the arrangements for the summer shows, so check back here to find out first. We're going to be doing each show more often, to give as many of you as possible a chance to see the Feral Chihuahuas in action.

I broke my toe the morning of the show (this is not my excuse for the terrible dancing), and came down with a cold over the weekend, so I've been out of action lately and missed a few shows and performances I really didn't want to miss. The Oxymorons are now performing weekly at Buddha Bagels, check them out on Tuesdays to keep your laughing gear in order for our upcoming season!

Tonight's the night!

2009-04-01T11:01:00.002-04:00

Feral Chihuahuas live at the Asheville Arts Center, 308 Merrimon Ave - tickets available at the door, $10 / $7 for students. Come see some original sketch comedy from Asheville's premier sketch comedy ensemble, original songs, stand up by George "the" Bastard and some surprises you are going to love!

In trying to get everything together last night I tore off a toenail so I haven't quite broken a leg for tonight but I've gotten close. I have a few small parts in sketches tonight but I get to wear two competely ridiculous costumes. This show is a sneak preview of what is to come in our sensational summer season.