The Mass Defective

An all time low

2008-06-18T18:20:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly, for once, the title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with my depression. Instead, it is the stupid fuckhead that hit an all time low recently. He landed his sorry ass in jail. About a week or so ago, he broke into a company he used to work for and stole materials so he could sell them thru CraigsList. I'm not sure exactly how he was caught, but a day or two after the fact, the cops showed up at his girlfriend's home to arrest him. She told him he was at the new job he had just started, so they drove over there and picked him up.

Of course, in true stupid fuckhead form, it's not his fault. He's placing the blame on someone else, actually multiple others. The story he told his parents is that he felt pressured to get his hands on some money fast because his girlfriend had been nagging him to get a job to help with the finances ever since he moved in with her several months ago. Knowing him as well as I do, I'm sure the story his girlfriend is being fed is that I was the one doing the nagging. Bugging him about child support. I'm 100% positive this is the false version of events she's getting because he needs her to take him back in when he finally gets out of jail or else he's homeless; and to date, she is planning on doing just that.

He's stuck in jail until his trial, because no one is willing to bail him out. His parents are beyond frustrated that the only time he ever contacts them is when he needs money for something, so they are refusing to help. His girlfriend apparently doesn't have the money, cuz she has yet to pay his bail. The only other person he'd turn to would be me and he knows I don't have the money either. He also knows NOT to ask me for anything. I made that very, very clear to him the last time we spoke.

This is the final nail in the coffin that was the relationship he had with his daughter. She had been willing to give him another chance to show he could be a responsible adult and parent after their meeting with her therapist. But in the mere five weeks that have passed since that meeting, he's blown his "last chance" three times. THREE. Three major fuck-ups. She wants nothing more to do with him and to protect her, I've decided to seek full custody. I had been willing to go with joint custody, but only if he swore not to use the divorce papers to force his right to visitation. After his latest bonehead move, I'm no longer willing to take the risk that I can trust him to do the right thing on his own.

I know the man's an idiot, he's repeatedly shown that time and time again. But to know that he is now a criminal too is just incredulous. Even I didn't think he had it in him to sink that low.

Dread and temptation

2008-06-03T18:19:00.003-05:00

It has been nearly impossible to drag myself from bed the last week. I did though, but only because my daughter required it. What happens now that school is over? The answer I don't want to accept is that I have to continue to force myself to keep going when all I want to do is crumble in defeat. The calendar is full, I've taken on too many obligations this month. Obligations that I can't back out of, either because it will adversely effect a lot of other people, or it will adversely effect my bank account.

At this point I'm dreading the mere six days in a row I have this month that so far remain blank on the calendar. There are no trips, no appointments, nothing to distract from the depression that continues to shroud my existence in misery every minute, every second. I feel as if I can't afford to stop moving for my own safety, all the while knowing that the constant barrage of activities is only jeopardizing the illusion of safety I'm desperately trying to cling to.

The temptation to pop open the bottle of Eldepryl and start swallowing is difficult to fight. So is the desire for self-inflicted exsanguination.

In a post I wrote on February 10th I talked about the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy my T wanted me to try. In that post I quoted a paragraph that stated...
This book is about how to move from suffering to engagement with life. Rather than waiting to win the internal struggle with your own self so that your life can begin, this book is about living now and living fully - with (not in spite of) your past, with your memories, with your fears, and with your sadness.

Somehow I think the author's use of the term "suffering" was not meant to include treatment-resistant, suicidal depression. It's not conceivably possible to engage in a life worth living while dealing with such a strong desire for death.

Featured video - The Material

2008-05-31T17:37:00.006-05:00

Since I lack time and the mental motivation to update the video on my blog weekly, a task I tried and failed miserably at last year, I figure I'll just update them whenever I have the time. It'll probably end up being every two weeks or every month. That seems like a far more attainable goal than every week. If it takes longer than a month, it'll be because I've simply forgotten there's a video on my blog. Just like I forgot about the bright yellow Post-it note right in front of my face reminding me to make a doctor's appointment yesterday.

Anyway, I decided to go with a video by one of my favorite unsigned bands, The Material. Today one of their songs came on while I had my iTunes open and on shuffle, so I turned off the shuffle option and listened to their entire EP, titled Tomorrow. They are typically the only band I stop and do that for, the EP is just that good. Plus since the shuffle is so random and I have thousands of other songs, they don't come up very often.

I first heard about them in March of last year and was so impressed by their music that I purchased their EP from iTunes that very same day. I'm amazed that they are still unsigned because they managed to come in second place in the 2007 Mtv2 Dew Circuit Breakout contest. Second out of the thousands of bands across the country that entered. A very respectable finish, even if I think they should have won.

I know they're putting a tour together for this summer, but unfortunately aren't coming here. If they come to your neighborhood, I highly recommend you go see them. I doubt they will be unsigned very much longer.

And if anyone is wondering, the last two posts, while similar in context, were written in response to two separate incidents. If a similar event occurs next time I see this woman, I'm not going back to endure a fourth, I'm calling it quits.

Stoking the flame

2008-05-30T12:16:00.004-05:00

"You never give yourself credit for the positive steps you take. I'm worried that nothing will ever be good enough for you."

I realize this is a major obstacle that I need to overcome. My entire world was programmed around the ideal that I'm not good enough and will never be good enough no matter what I do. As a result, it's hard for me to see the positive unless someone else points it out.

However, it isn't the slightest bit helpful when the woman points out the things she thinks I'm doing right and then follows it up with the word "BUT" and then proceeds to point out the things I'm failing to do. Does she not realize that each time she does this she's simply stoking the flame of inadequacy?

On the verge

2008-05-26T00:49:00.004-05:00

Once again I'm on the verge of ending therapy. If I do, this will be the end...period. Even if that means my pdoc will stop treating me as well, and I end up buried forever in the darkest depths of insanity or of the earth itself, that's the path I'm willing to chose; because the torture of continually going outweighs any progress I've managed to make.

It has become painfully obviously again that my perceptions are far different from everyone else's. I don't follow the normal thought patterns that therapists are used to working with. They don't know how to react to me and I don't know how to react in kind. I think they demand too much, based on some obscure one-size fits all concept and timeline they learned in school or that was set-up by the institution they are employed by.

There's never even a shred of appreciation for the struggle it takes just to show up there each week and the struggle to open up. Progress is too agonizingly slow for them. It's too agonizingly slow for me as well. Yet I push myself each week to improve, to not give in to the thoughts in my head, but it's never enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Even when there is a clear set of goals and objectives, clear expectations voiced in advance on both sides, that's not enough. More is always demanded, more is always expected.

I'm sorry, I don't have any more to give.

Guess the song

2008-05-10T16:51:00.002-05:00

I stole this from someone's blog. I forget whose it was so I can't give 'em credit or steer anyone over to try and guess his songs (I only answered one cuz I didn't think it'd be fair to answer the other 10 I knew considering I was a first time visitor. So yeah, if you happen to find my page...I knew the Cult, New Order, Aztec Camera and several others). I remember I got to his page via James' and that he was from Chicago.

So now my secret is out. At 3, 4 and 5 am, when I'm suffering from a severe bout of insomnia, I blog hop. I go to one or more of the blogs I read regularly and click all the links. It's usually an interesting journey because you never know where you'll end up. This morning I ended up stealing this great idea from some random guy who I don't know but could possibly have stood next to at any number of concerts in Chicago.

Anyway, here's now this works...

Put your iPod on shuffle and post the first line of lyrics from the first 25 songs that come up. Readers then try to guess the song. As each one is correctly guessed, I'll edit this post with the title and artist.

NO CHEATING BY USING GOOGLE!!!!

If anyone gets any of these, you'll be my new best friend cuz I'll know you have awesome taste in music. My guess is that 2, 7, 8, 13, 16, 19 and 21 will be the easiest and the first ones answered. Good luck!

1. Up around 95, sailing down Storrow Drive
2. I remember a year ago I was standing in the crowd - "In Fate's Hands" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
3. Will these dreams still follow me
4. I didn't think that I had a debt to pay - "Qwerty" - Linkin Park
5. Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up
6. Hey, I'm feeling tired - "Falling Away From Me" by Korn
7. The soldier boy for his soldier's pay obeys - "Inoculated City" by The Clash
8. Don't come to me with your problems I don't need them
9. If you lose me, you lose a good thing
10. Lie to me just one more time and maybe I'll believe you
11. I would do anything and that's what scares me so bad - "Strings" by Blink 182
12. Musical correctness, it's just a guide on how to perform everything less
13. Murder murder a ripe blood stain
14. I've been thinking it over
15. I wake up at the end of a long, dark, lonely year - "Lycanthrope" by +44
16. When you're out with your friends in your new Mercedes Benz - "We Are All On Drugs" by Weezer
17. I can't give you the moment, the chance to be right
18. Johnny has a problem
19. Calling all cars, all coroners, we've got a dead one here - "Dethbed" by Alkaline Trio
20. Goddamn this dusty room
21. I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise - "Almost Easy" by Avenged Sevenfold
22. I tried to sneak myself through, tried to get to the other side
23. Everything that I see there's no future for me - "No Future" by Anti-Flag
24. Unseen to the eyes but it plays in your heart
25. Now every cheap hood strikes a bargain with the world - "Death or Glory" by Social Distortion (I would have accepted The Clash as the band too since they did the original version)

****Almost forgot to update this with the ones people had gotten right. Not bad. Alison, you are my new best friend!!

Changed things up

2008-05-10T02:00:00.004-05:00

To take my mind off the soul-sucking depression, I decided to change things around a little on my blog. I didn't spend much time being creative. I just went with the first idea that popped into my head, and things went rather quickly after that. I've changed things up often enough that it doesn't take long to switch out headers and titles.

I finally also added some new music. Sick Puppies are originally from Australia, but have transplanted themselves to Los Angeles. It is because of them that you cannot attend any music festival without seeing dozens of people with signs or t-shirts offering "free hugs". The explanation behind that whole phenomenon is posted on their MySpace page, a link to which is provide just above the video player.

I chose the song "My World", because it's their most recent single and the one that currently gets the most airplay on the radio station I listen to. It's sad, it's angry and I can relate to that very well. Probably not something I should be listening to right because it will just feed the negativity in my head, but I don't typically play the videos on my page after I post them. They're there to give others the opportunity to hear music they might not otherwise listen to. My way of bringing new music to the masses.

Void of life

2008-05-09T16:51:00.004-05:00

"What's wrong? You look weird, you're acting strange."

The quips of an overly observant 16 year old. One that's probably more in tune to her mother's moods than she should be. Something is wrong, but I can't offer up an explanation. There's no way to give voice to the cold, dead emptiness I feel inside and even if there were, my child would be the last one I'd speak those words to. By hinting she senses something is wrong, I know she doesn't want to know what the actual problem is. She's just seeking reassurance that it has nothing to do with her and that everything will eventually be okay. I was only able to offer half of what she needed to hear and circumvented the rest.

I'm constantly fighting back the tears that well up and sting my eyes. As usual, I'm afraid that if allow them to start flowing, I won't ever be able to stop them. My therapist knows something is wrong as well, but fortunately she's on vacation this week and next, so I get to avoid discussing the matter. Hopefully all this will pass before she returns.

Hopefully all this will pass....that statement is as void of meaning as my soul is void of life. There is no hope. There is only the darkness that has swallowed me whole and is slowly suffocating me.

Disturbing dreams

2008-05-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

Last night was dreadful. Every other hour I woke in a panic from having one disturbing dream after another. I've had flashbacks to the most horrific one all day, one in which I was being sexually assaulted by two cops. I woke when I actually started choking on some vomit, the stomach acid burning my throat as I gasped for air. This was an apparent physical response to the last thing I remember from the nightmare itself, vomiting when one of them shoved their nasty penis in my mouth.

The whole night played out like that. I'd be trapped in a nightmare and finally wake when something happening in my dream state triggered a response outside of it. One time I was screaming in my dream only to be woken by the sound of my actual screams. Another time I dreamt I was being kicked in the back by a man that had stabbed me repeatedly and was checking to see if I was dead. I woke because it literally felt like someone was really touching my back. I laid there for at least half an hour once I was awake, paralyzed by fear because I couldn't discern if it was just a dream or if there really was a man in my bedroom.

Yesterday as a whole was a really stressful day for me because of something that happened with the stupid fuckhead ex and I wonder if that stress was the catalyst behind the night from hell. Not knowing the answer to that is what's going to keep me awake all night tonight. I'm not willing to risk a repeat.

I hurt

2008-05-03T00:49:00.002-05:00

Physically and mentally I hurt; and once again I'm wishing life would just end. The never ending pain is unbearable. This isn't life. This isn't anything except me, hurting, incessantly. I don't want to hurt any more. I'm too weak to keep struggling for air, for calm, for safety, for sanity, for life, for her.

VNS problems

2008-04-27T19:27:00.004-05:00

Something has gone terribly wrong with the VNS implant and I'm not quite sure how to approach a solution. I know the most appropriate person to call would be the surgeon, because I have a strong feeling that surgery is what will be required to fix the problem. However, I'm extremely reluctant to call him because, due to some bizarre Medicare rule, he was never reimbursed for implanting it in the first place. The hospital fees, anesthesiologist, even the device itself, were all covered, but for some reason the surgeon was stiffed. They didn't pay him a cent for performing the surgery and he was not allowed to charge me for his services either.

This was no surprise to him or me. He was the one that informed me that this would be the case when I had my initial consult with him, and yet he agreed to do the surgery. Still, I feel guilty about needing to see him again knowing he worked on me for free and now, through no fault of his own, will probably have to remove the device.

Given that I've had the implant for close to two years, it seems odd that I would only now start having a problem. This past Thursday, I noticed that the wire connecting the electrodes to the battery was very visible in my neck. I was immediately alarmed because this was the first time I'd seen or felt it under my skin. The battery has always been noticeable under my skin, but never the wire. The entire area from the incision in my neck to the one in my chest (there's about 10 cm between the two), has become painful, almost as if my body is trying to reject this foreign object.

I've wanted the thing out since it was implanted because I instantly knew it was a mistake to have gotten it in the first place. I might finally get my wish. I just hope the surgeon doesn't get stiffed again.

Who is considered "dangerous"?

2008-04-21T16:46:00.004-05:00

Wanted to write about this sooner, but I've just been out of sorts lately. Last Wednesday, April 16th, the one year anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech, the CBS Evening News aired the following news segment. I highly recommend watching the video first before reading on.

Both my daughter and I were floored by this report. If ever there was a news story that promoted fear-mongering, This. Is. It. "Dangerously mentally ill"...who is considered "dangerous" by their standards? The implication in their report is that just about anyone with a mental illness is. According to CBS, there are 2.6 million deranged lunatics running around that still have access to guns because their names haven't been submitted to the FBI. 2.6 million "dangerously mentally ill" people that are just lying in wait for the opportunity to murder as many people as they can.

The report itself was shocking. When I went to their website to send the link to my fellow NAMI members because I had told them about this story the same night it aired at our monthly meeting, the caption that accompanied the video link was just, if not more, disturbing. It read:

"One year after the Virginia Tech massacre, the debate over gun control continues. But as Chip Reid reports, weapons remain accessible to the people considered capable of carrying out a similar event."

I'm surprised that in their little graphic, they called the FBI list the "Mental Illness Database" instead of its actual name, the National Instant Criminal Background Check System, or NICS (I've voiced my opinion about the disgust I have for that name because it lumps the mentally ill in with criminals on several occasions). Surprised CBS passed on that opportunity to call the mentally ill not only "dangerous", but also criminals.

Maybe I'm more outraged by this than I should be, but I know that I am most likely already in the NICS database for having been declared a danger to myself and involuntarily admitted to the hospital on a couple of occasions, which is one of the criteria for being added to the list, and Illinois is one of the states that has sent that data to the FBI.

What's most ironic about this story? They say there are 2.6 million "dangerously mentally ill" people out there and then immediately follow that up with which states people can buy a weapon at a gun show with no background check required. Thanks. That information just might come in handy.

There's a lot of irresponsible journalism out there, but I think this story takes that cake for 2008. Way to go CBS. You've done a great job at further stigmatizing the mentally ill. You've definitely lost me as a viewer of ANY and ALL shows on your network, not just the Evening News.

I'm opening the comments up on this one. Feel free to leave your thoughts.

It came, I felt, I lived

2008-04-13T21:15:00.002-05:00

The mind numbing depression that I struggled with all last week didn't kill me. It came, I felt it and I lived. That's not to say it's gone or even diminished greatly, but I survived without hurting anything...except my bank account. Even that isn't damaged beyond repair, I'll just have to watch what I spend the rest of the month.

The panic is starting to overtake me again though. Tomorrow is the return flight home and I hope it is as uneventful as the flight down. I'm thankful that I get to pick her up from the airport. I can't wait to hug her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. It's just not the same to text her and say I love you, which is what I've done every night.

It wasn't the trip she was expecting. There was a lot of disappointment there, but I hope that once I hear the full story, that she actually had a better time than she's let on so far. Most of our discussions revolved around her needing support from her mommy cuz she got seasick and her knee was killing her since she couldn't wear her brace at all. No one understands and gives comfort like mom when she's not feeling well, even if I can only do it via a cellphone from 1500 miles away.

Having her gone stirred up a lot of emotions I know that I need to confront and soon, because if I wait too much longer, I'll be ill-prepared for what the future holds. The first and foremost is the fact that I don't know who I am without her. She's what's kept me alive through all the downward spirals, her needing me full time for the love, support and guidance she can't get from anyone else. What happens when she doesn't need me as much any more? What happens when she goes off to college? What happens when she moves out on her own? I have no identity except mommy. The reality of that hit hard this past week and scared the hell out of me.

I know that a lot of mothers go through a similar crisis. However, given my propensity to spiral so quickly into the bitterly dark depths of depression, such a crisis could prove fatal if I'm not prepared. Hell, it could prove fatal even if I think I am.

Panicked

2008-04-11T06:30:00.001-05:00

The recent rash of cancellations of flights by American Airlines has me even more worried about her safety. She's not taking American, but still, she's climbing aboard an airplane today. I've been panicked about it for a week, a panic that has grown exponentially every day leading up to the full overload I now feel.

Had to drop her off at school at 5 am, which meant I was only able to snag 4 hours of sleep. That's probably all the sleep I'm going to get because now I'm overcome with worry, with sadness. I never let on to her that I was dealing with this inner emotional turmoil. I don't want her to worry about me and hold back on living her life. This is a trip she's been looking forward to since 8th grade, I wasn't about to ruin it for her with my paranoia.

I keep thinking about that flight, TWA Flight 800 from 1996. It left out of JFK in New York on it's way to Paris when it broke apart in the air, supposedly because the center fuel tank exploded. I remember just about every major U.S. plane crash that has occurred since I was 11 years old and American Airlines Flight 191 crashed near O'hare in 1979. I remember more details about Flight 800 than most others (except those on 9/11) because I was already a mother by then and when I heard that there was a group of students aboard, on a class trip, my heart broke. Here they were, headed off on an adventure of a life time, and they never made it. Instead they lost their lives. It hit me hard because I knew that at some point, my own child would be off on such a trip and the what-ifs started playing. They've played off and on for 12 years.

That time is now here. She's at the airport at this moment, probably going through security on her way to the gate, where she'll sit for another hour before her plane is scheduled to leave...and my stomach is in knots. The horror of the thoughts playing over and over in my head have me so anxious I'm physically shaking, I'm nauseous. I want to rush to the airport and get her, bring her back home safe with me. But is any place really safe?

I keep wondering, did I tell her I love her this morning? I know I hugged & kissed her good-bye, but did I say those words? I. Love. You. I can't remember if I did. I struggle to think back. It was only an hour & a half ago, why can't I remember??

Time management

2008-04-06T16:19:00.003-05:00

My ability to manage time effectively has been shattered by a resurgence of energy. Mania? I'm not quite sure. My therapist tried to explain to me why she believes I qualify for the Bipolar diagnosis. She says that mania doesn't have to come in the form of an overzealous, hyperactive state. That excited, grandiose state I associate most with my ex. The constant rage I feel, the rage that overtakes me for weeks, months at a time, she says is the biggest red flag that I'm Bipolar.

Usually I'm quick to dismiss the possibility, but after taking note of what's been going on in my life right now, and reading more about the signs & symptoms of Bipolar, I'm finding it hard to be in denial. I'm sleeping less and less. I'm taking on more and more tasks (none of which ever gets finished, but luckily they are all personal things that have no impact on anyone except myself). And I'm losing touch with reality again.

It's tough to face this truth because I thought I was doing better mentally. I can see the downward spiral though, from a perspective that I never have before. Not sure why this time it's different. I find myself wondering if this new view of the situation will be advantageous. Will I be able to stop myself from inflicting any self harm? Or will the awareness I now hold fade as true reality fades.

For now I'm trying to find a way to manage my time. It seems like it should be a simple task. I'm not sleeping as much, so I therefore have more time to fit in the things that I want and need to do. Schedule each task for an hour a day and most would be complete in the time frames I have set in my head. But somehow time seems to vanish. Could I possibly be dissociating to the point I'm losing huge chunks of time versus the hour or less I typically have in the past?

Anorexia is about using food to feel as if you're in control of at least one aspect of life, when everything else seems to be out of control. I think I'm trying to control time for the same reasons. Yet the more I try to control it, the more I feel out of control. Typical result.

Yep, STILL sick...ugh!

2008-03-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

Whatever it is that I have, I'm still fighting it. The incessant chest congestion sends me into coughing fits that have made me vomit a few times. The sinuses are constantly filled with snot. Thank gawd for Puffs with the lotion or my nose would be beet red and the skin would be falling off in chunks. I still feel achy & feverish most days, though that is improving a little.

It's been three weeks now. I've been sick for three weeks, even with taking care of myself by getting plenty of rest, drinking lots of water, going to the doctor & taking my meds as prescribed. I can't help looking at this as another glaring example of how life goes for me. Doesn't matter what I do, I get hit with the shit stick on a regular basis.

Saw my pdoc on Thursday. First thing he says..."oh, new haircut?" I know he has a lot of patients, but this is the third time I've seen him since I got all my hair cut off and he's just now noticing? He was the third guy to make that same comment to me that day. It's nice to know that even when people see me, they don't really see me.

He upped the dosage of Buspar by 10 mgs, though I haven't yet taken the higher dose. The prescription I have right now runs out in a week, so I figured I'd just wait until then to get the new one filled. That way I won't have any pills to hoard.

I've actually considered throwing out the largest bottle of pills in my current stash. There are probably 200 pills in it though I don't recognize anything except Zoloft. Most of the pills are a year or two old and I don't really need them. I still have half a bottle of Eldepryl left. A handful of those with just about any other medication would kill me since it's an MAOI. Why keep more pills on hand than I could possibly need in an emergency? Not that I'm in a place where those thoughts are running rampant. I just need the peace of mind that they are there. To others, having that "out" laying around is disturbing, to me it's comforting.

Saw my T on Friday. We finished working on a new treatment plan. She asked if I'd like to work on anything with respect to the ex, since the plan from last year included stuff I've since managed to resolve. Half-jokingly I told her I'd like to hire a hitman and be done with that problem once and for all. When she started to feverishly write something down after I said it, I was quick to quantified that statement by saying that while I'd seriously love to do it, he's definitely not worth going to prison over.

Luckily I haven't heard a peep out of him for about a month now. He hasn't even contacted his daughter. Of course this is because he called me a second time, towards the end of last month, asking again if his daughter hates him and I finally divulged the truth. He tried to dig for details and when that didn't work, he eventually tried using emotional blackmail. "Well if she doesn't love me, than I might as well just kill myself."

I remained calm, steadfast and civil throughout the conversation. I wasn't even mean about how I told him. I simply said that she isn't happy with his behaviour over the years, and gave a couple of prime examples of how it has had a negative impact on her life, examples she frequently brings up herself when mention of him comes up in our conversations, stuff she's told her therapist as well. When he asked why she has never told him any of this, I told him it's because she feels he will just get angry and not listen to what she has to say. I let him know that if he wants any further details or wants to work on mending their relationship, that's between the two of them, I won't be involved. The only help I offered was to arrange to have him meet us at her therapist's office to have a third party mediate the conversation between the two of them while I sit in the waiting room. I also suggested that maybe he write out his feelings and mail her a letter since she won't take his calls and if she wants, she could do the same, at least as a way to get communication flowing between them again.

Obviously he's chosen to do nothing, which is sad, but I'm not going to allow myself to get sucked in to try and fix everything. It's not my problem to fix. It's his even if he refuses to see that. He's a pro at shifting the blame to everyone else rather than take a good long look at himself and his actions. He honestly doesn't see that his untreated bipolar is the root of a lot of his problems, including the lack of relationship with his daughter. He's probably waiting for the kiddie to make the first move. But given that he's the adult, he should be making it.

And it goes on

2008-03-15T17:10:00.002-05:00

After having the flu for the first week of March and finally feeling better by the weekend, I woke this past Monday with laryngitis and such bad chest congestion I could barely breath. This "super flu", or whatever the news is calling it, is pretty severe around here. There are signs at every pharmacy warning of it and one of our local emergency rooms had to close because they had no more beds available at the hospital for incoming patients.

I know that I had to have picked it up at my daughter's school because both weekends before falling ill, I had helped supervise backstage during the school musical. I just don't understand how it happened because I'm a germaphobe when it comes to being around others. I won't touch door knobs with my bare hands and I'm always washing my hands. Figures, I rarely leave the house and when I do get out to do something useful, I pay the price for it.

When I called to cancel my T apptmt on Wednesday, cuz I knew I wouldn't be better by Friday in order to go, she asked if I was going to see my doctor. Testing to see if I was going to engage in self care. I told her I'd take the wait & see approach. I hate going to the doctor only to have them tell me it's a viral infection and I'll just need to wait it out. So I wait it out and if I don't get better or if I get worse, then I'll go to the doctor.

Unfortunately, by yesterday I was much worse, so I did break down and go. Got put on some antibiotics and codeine-laced cough meds. I have not felt this physically sick in a really long time, and I'm talking years. I normally get about 12 hours of sleep in a day, but since Monday I've been averaging about 18. I'll sleep for a couple of hours, force myself to get out of bed and drink something, then go right back to sleep. I've been up for the last 2 hours now, which is the longest I've managed to stay awake at one time in days.

Knock on wood, so far no one else in the family has gotten sick. I feel guilty for missing my niece's birthday party today. I really wanted to be there, but I definitely don't want to risk spreading this around. I did send a card & some money with the old people to give to her. Spring break is just a week away, and I know I'll see her a lot then.

On the upside, besides losing another 10 lbs cuz I haven't eaten much in 2 weeks, mentally I'm holding on fairly well. It's hard to get pissed off when you can't get out of bed. It's hard to worry about things when you're asleep far more hours than you are awake. All that stuff takes energy, energy I just don't have to expend. I'm sure all my problems and worries will hit me full on once I feel better. I'm not naive enough to believe they have gone away for good. It sure would be nice if they would vanish forever though.

Guess I'll go curl up on the couch and see if I can stay awake long enough to watch No Country For Old Men. On the way home from the doctor I stopped to rent a couple of movies for the kiddie and got this one for myself.

Here

2008-03-04T15:52:00.003-06:00

I'm still here, haven't been thrown in the hospital for my uncontrollable rage or anything. I've actually been sidelined with a severe case of the flu since Saturday night and don't even have the energy needed to rage.

A lot has gone on over the two weeks that have passed since I last posted. A lot of stuff I probably should have written about but didn't. Just never seems to be any time to do anything anymore. Which doesn't make any sense because time is all I've got. I don't know where it all goes. Confusion reigns supreme once again.

One thing I know I've had time for is Time. Yep, I've finally caught up with my subscription for the first time in I don't know how long. I have the March 3rd issue I'm currently reading and then the March 10th issue which arrived this past Friday. If I stay sick a little longer, I might actually get the time to read the Dean Koontz book I've been "currently reading" for several months now.

Right now it's time to pass out again.

(Wow, I see blogger finally got their spellcheck working again...I'm impressed.)

How?

2008-02-20T14:21:00.004-06:00

That's what I'd like to know. How?

How do "normal" people handle stress without wanting to rip their own skin to shreds, tear all their hair out, drink themselves into oblivion or even kill themselves?

How do "normal" people handle making 50+ phone calls searching for someone, anyone, willing to take public aid in order to get care for their child because the system is so fucking jacked up that even public aid can't tell you who might be willing to accept their crappy reimbursement rates and make all those calls (so far to no avail, I still haven't found anyone) without truly wanting to murder someone?

How do "normal" people calm down when they do get pissed off?

How do "normal" people control their emotions instead of their emotions controlling them?

How do "normal" people cope, just with life in general?

I'm not normal, so I'm not coping. I'm not calming down. I'm not in control of my emotions. My rage is taking over and I feel like I'm reaching the point of no return. Lucky for the rest of the world...I only have a desire to eradicate myself.

There's a difference

2008-02-15T16:04:00.004-06:00

My homework last week was to try and come up with my "suffering inventory" list. I had tried to sit down and write it several times, but my mind kept going blank, overwhelmed by both the fear of personal reflection and the process of noting all the things wrong with me. I finally decided to work off the list of "goals" I had to write so that this therapist would even see me for the first time.

The end result was not a complete list of everything that's wrong, everything I struggle with, and it is more generalized rather than giving specific details. It was quite difficult to do the final step of putting the items in order from worst to least worse in how they impact my life. The first eight all impact my life at an equally negative level. But at least I had something to bring in to our session today.

After discussing it for what seemed like 20 or 30 minutes, she quickly moves on and asks if I did the next exercise in the book, which is "The Pain is Gone, Now What". Using the suffering list, you're supposed to take an item and say how you think your life would be different if that issue wasn't such a problem for you.

My initial thought was "whoa nelly". Can we slow down here a minute? Why are you trying to rush me through all this material so fast? The homework was to do the first exercise, which consisted of three parts, two of which were quite difficult for me. I told you the struggle I went through to do it and the residual distress it left because I felt I had done an inadequate job. Why would you even ask if I'd moved on to the next exercise already? What is the hurry here? This is only our 4th visit and I know nothing about you. I don't feel comfortable with you yet. I don't yet feel like you're a safe person to be opening up to.

But she tried to push ahead anyway. I told her I had no clue how my life would be different since a lot of the things on my list have always been a problem for me. How would I know what having self esteem would be like for me if I've never experienced it? When she said this is the part where you get to dream, I got the impression she couldn't fathom the fact that I don't dream of what my life could be. I told her my experience has been that dreaming just sets you up for more pain and suffering. I thought the puprose of this particular therapy was to move away from the suffering, not create more.

Still she pushed even more. When I tried to give an answer, none of them seemed good enough. "If I had self esteem I wouldn't hate myself" was met with "What would you do instead?" When I finally said "I'd be more accepting of myself" it was met with "And how would you do that?" I got so flustered that I couldn't even think any more. My mind shut down and I told her when it did.

So now my homework for next week is to think about this exercise and do it on my own. Of course now I'm scared to death that no matter what answer I come up with, it will be the wrong one. However, if I don't do the homework, she'll accuse me of being willful instead of willing. I'm not purposely being stubborn, I am trying to do the work and I am trying to make changes. If I was willful, I wouldn't even bother putting any effort into this at all.

Therapy is a very scary thing. The things I'm trying to deal with and overcome generate a lot of fear, stress and anxiety. Therapists don't seem to grasp that concept, at least not when it comes to me. I often get the impression they misinterpret my fearfulness as willfulness. Wish they'd realize that they are two very different things...

willful - adjective
1. Said or done on purpose; deliberate.
2. Obstinately bent on having one's own way; stubborn, headstrong.

fearful - adjective
1. Causing or capable of causing fear; frightening.
2. Experiencing fear; frightened.
3. Feeling or inclined to feel anxiety or apprehension; timid; nervous.
4. Indicating anxiety, fear, or terror: a fearful, nervous glance.
5. Feeling reverence, dread, or awe.
6. Extreme, as in degree or extent; dreadful: a fearful blunder; fearful poverty.

Rage

2008-02-10T23:13:00.000-06:00

Even though it's a powerful word all on its own, it does not even begin to describe the intensity level that has consumed me the last few days. I have to add adjectives in order to offer up a more realistic description of what I'm tackling. Furious rage. Violent rage. Nope, still not there yet. Maybe adding a bunch of adjectives at once is more fitting. Intense, furious, violent, all-consuming rage. Closer, but still not quite there.

To my credit, I have yet to pick up a razor blade or a bottle of liquor to help me cope. I also haven't acted on the overwhelming urge to ram every fuckhead that doesn't know how to drive off the road and try to kill myself in the process. Instead I have screamed my lungs out until I lost my voice and taken a couple extra Valium. I have also distracted myself with other things as best I could.

Not sure what has fueled this latest bout. The only thing I can possibly link it to is the anxiety and fear brought on by my last therapy appointment. I thought I had simply put all that out of my mind, but maybe it's still there, eating my subconscious alive and being spit out as rage. I'm not entirely comfortable with the woman yet, unsure if she is a safe enough person to open up to. But I've been doing my best to ignore that and not let it interfere with trying to make progress, even if just in tiny increments.

On a previous visit, she gave me a photocopy of the first three chapters of a book called Get out of Your Mind & Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D. It teaches a new form of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. A paragraph from the first page reads:

This book is about how to move from suffering to engagement with life. Rather than waiting to win the internal struggle with your own self so that your life can begin, this book is about living now and living fully - with (not in spite of) your past, with your memories, with your fears, and with your sadness.

After reading it, I did a pros/cons sort of list and wrote the positive and negative thoughts that came to mind. Surprisingly, both sides were of equal length, which ultimately could either hurt or help the chances that using this as a direction for therapy will be beneficial. Given what I agreed with and what I disagreed with, I could get caught in a trap of ambivalence (a topic Dr. Deb recently posted about).

After discussing my thoughts on what I'd read, we came to the first exercise in the book, "Your Suffering Inventory". This involves compiling a list of the things that currently cause psychological difficulties and writing how long each has been a problem. The next step is to organize the list in order of their impact, starting with the most painful and difficult. The third step is to draw arrows between the items I think are related to each other. When I originally read the material, I skipped this exercise, even though it explains that this list is important and will be used throughout the rest of the book.

Just thinking about trying to write such a list instantly raises my anxiety and brings on great fear. The overwhelming amount of issues that cause me difficulties makes writing them down seem like an impossible task. I'm also afraid to see all these issues written down. It's one thing to keep an inventory of them in my head. But to have them in writing, in front of me, a solid visual of all my defects...that scares the crap out of me.

We did talk about the fact that things will probably get worse for me before they get better, and I explained my fear about that to my T as well. To me, the only worse I can see from where I'm at already is death. As often as I long for that final solution...right here, right now, it's not what I want.

I know at some point I have to take that leap, be it now or in the future. As soon as I do, I know my safety will be in jeopardy. I just keep wondering if I'm really ready to jump, if I'll ever be ready to jump.

Comments off

2008-02-06T00:06:00.000-06:00

Decided to seize this opportunity to turn the comments off. I have appreciated the feedback, both positive and negative, that I have received over the years. I know I didn't acknowledge them very often, but I did read them all.

I started this blog for numerous reasons. I didn't want to keep accumulating paper journals, which are so much easier for people to find and read, plus there is no anonymity with them. I was running out of space to hide the handwritten ones. I was also spending more time on the computer and the convenience of typing out my thoughts gave me some sense that I was at least using a portion of that time constructively. Essentially, it was just to shift away from a manual, paper format. I chose to do it in this particular forum, instead of just keeping a private file on my own computer, in hopes that maybe others would feel a little bit less alone, a little bit less defective, and maybe a little bit relieved to know they weren't alone with their thoughts, others share the same ones.

I've struggled with whether or not to keep the comments on since my first post in 2004. As I'm making changes in my life, I've come to realize that having the comments open only perpetuates anxiety. I get anxious if I get a comment, never knowing how I'll react. I get anxious when I don't receive any, thinking I've pissed the world off. The added anxiety is not something I can deal with any longer. It detracts from the purpose this blog serves for me.

In making this change, I already feel a sense of relief washing over me. That's a good thing.

25 Song MeMeMe

2008-02-04T13:14:00.000-06:00

I stole this from Anna, thinking..."I love music, this'll be easy!" It wasn't easy dammit. I own WAY too much music.

1. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SONG ABOVE ALL OTHER SONGS.....EVER?
I'd have to go with "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park. Not because I think it's their best song, but because it was their first release and the one that got me hooked like a crack addict to this band.

2. WHAT SONG DESCRIBES YOUR CURRENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?
Since I'm not in one, I'm going with "Learn to be Lonely" from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera.

3. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE KARAOKE SONG?
I don't karaoke…EVER. There's not enough liquor in the world.

4. IF YOU COULD GIVE YOUR LIFE A THEME SONG, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOSE IT TO BE?
"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

5. WHAT SONG WOULD DESCRIBE YOUR TEENAGE YEARS? HAS TO BE FROM THE TIME PERIOD YOU WERE A TEENAGER.
1984's "Fade to Black" - Metallica

6. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST FAVORITE SONG?
"The Unicorn Song" by the Irish Rovers. I was only about 4 or 5 years old, but I remember this being on a compilation album of kid's songs we had (actually my mother still has it). I'd listen to it over and over, crying hysterically because they left the unicorns behind and they all died. I remember feeling like I could relate to the unicorns' plight of being left behind, of no one seeming to care enough to make sure they were safe. Ah…some of my earliest memories of depression. I'm going to cry just thinking about it.

7. SONG THAT YOU'D DEDICATE TO YOUR FIRST LOVE?
"No One Has to Know" - The Material. The lyrics are very fitting to what that relationship was like.

8. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BEATLES SONG?
"Help!"

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ELVIS SONG?
I'm so not an Elvis fan, I had to look up the songs he sang so I could find one I even like. I chose "Are You Lonesome Tonight". "Blue Christmas" is the only other song I like of his.

10. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE COUNTRY SONG?
HELL NO! This is one genre of music I wish didn’t exist.

11. HOW ABOUT A DISCO TUNE?
I was so never a disco fan either and had to look this up too. I went with "Nights On Broadway" by the Bee Gees. Gotta love any song with a guy singing falsetto in it.

12. FAVORITE SONG WHILE HAVING SEX?
I don't think I've ever had music on while having sex. My only focus is on reaching the big "O", music would be a distraction.

13. LAST SONG YOU DOWNLOADED TO YOUR iPOD?
It'd have to be the last song on the last cd we got from iTunes. That'd be the Juno soundtrack and the last song is "Anyone Else But You" by Michael Cera and Ellen Page.

14. DO YOU REMEMBER A SONG YOU DANCED TO AT YOUR PROM?
I didn't go to prom.

15. DEDICATE A SONG TO AN EX.
Oh damn, that's a hard one. If I'm going by title alone it'd be "Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out)" - the Bloodhound Gang. If I'm going by lyrics it has to be "A.N.I.C." by Sum 41. It's a short (only 37 seconds long), angry, to the point song. Here are the lyrics…

Fuckin' shit !
You look like ass, you smell like shit
So why are you such a dick?
You walk around like you're the tits
You always make me sick
Bound for agony
Your life's catastrophe

You look like ass, you smell like shit
So why are you such a dick?
You walk around like you're the tits
You always make me sick
Bound for agony
Your life's catastrophe

You're an asshole
You're an asshole
You're an asshole
You're an asshole

You make me sick

16. NOW ONE TO THE CURRENT SQUEEZE.
I don’t have a squeeze.

17. WHAT SONG TITLE WOULD DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS?
"Sad State Of Affairs" - Descendents

18. FAVORITE GOSPEL SONG?
I'm not sure I would recognize a gospel song if it came up and slapped me in the face.

19. WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" from the Wizard of Oz. Everyone has to dance around in celebration too or else it just doesn't work.

20. LIST 5 SONGS YOU ARE CURRENTLY INTO?
1. "Rite of Spring" - Angels & Airwaves
2. "Leave Out All The Rest" - Linkin Park
3. "The Truth About Reality" - The Material
4. "I Get It" - Chevelle
5. "An Alliance of Thieves" - Holy Roman Empire

21. LIST 5 SONGS YOU CHANGE STATIONS WHEN THEY COME ON?
1. Anything by Maroon 5
2. Anything by Fall Out Boy
3. "Hey There Delilah" - Plain White T’s
4. Anything by the Dave Matthews Band
5. Anything by the White Stripes

22. WHAT'S THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?
"Young and Depressed" - MxPx

23. 5 FAVORITE SONGS?
If I own it, it's a favorite, so I'm just putting iTunes on shuffle and listing the first 5 songs that come up.
1. "Coming Undone" - Korn
2. "Perfect Situation" - Weezer
3. "Fall Back Into My Life" - Amber Pacific
4. "Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated" - Rise Against
5. "Starts With One" - Shiny Toy Guns

24. 5 SONGS TO BE ON YOUR LIFE'S SOUNDTRACK?
1. "Easier to Run" - Linkin Park
2. "Did My Time" - Korn
3. "Farewell My Hell" - Millencolin
4. "Hyper-Insomnia-Para-Condrioid" - Sum 41
5. "I'm the Best at Ruining My Life" - From Autumn to Ashes

25. SONG THAT WOULD DESCRIBE YOU?
"All Messed Up" - Sum 41

Note: If there is a link in red, it means that particular song was on the artist's MySpace page when I wrote this post.

An epiphany

2008-02-03T03:16:00.000-06:00

"Does she drop the "F" bomb a lot when she's talking to you?"

"Does she hate me?"

Just a couple of the questions I was asked recently when the stupid fuckhead called. My responses were vague and elusive enough that I never actually offered a definitive answer to any of them. Because I feel trapped in the middle, I want to get the truth out in the open. Want to tell him how she really feels about him and why, but I know full well that it can't come from me. This is something she has to do herself, when and if she is ever ready to do so.

I already know that if it ever does come out, he will turn it all back on me. He'll be convinced that I taught her to hate him. That I turned her against him by saying horrible things about him. She can vouch for the fact that I don't talk badly about him to her, ever. Even when she's the one complaining about him, I don't join in, and she has asked why. When I tell her that it's really poor parenting to bash your ex-spouse in front of your children, her comment is that she bashes him herself, so it doesn't matter if I do. Plus she says most other parents do it all the time. My only response is that I'm not other parents and I think it's wrong to do, so I refrain from that type of behaviour. I'm not going to put her in the middle of my resentment towards him.

In thinking about the lack of father/daughter relationship again over the last few days, I've had an epiphany. One that has helped me come to terms with the guilt I've felt over the failure of their bond. I had already come to accept that it wasn't my place to hold them together, but there was still guilt there that things fell apart in the first place.

I spent far too long blaming myself and I now realize that I was going too far back in time when I'd think about how and when their bond started to deteriorate. I kept going back to when my mental illnesses started to overwhelm my life. Using that to blame myself for the failure of my marriage, which in turn was used to blame myself for the failure of their relationship. What I ignored was the amazing opportunity he had to step up and be the father he should have been. Instead, he chose that moment to focus on getting laid.

About six months after we split, I began what would become a two month stay in the hospital. Given that she was in school at the time, he should have temporarily moved back into the apartment we'd shared as a family, the one her and I were still living in. This would have kept her close to her friends and to school. Instead he moved her into his tiny studio apartment which, with traffic, was a good hour away. In doing that, she was forced to live out of boxes and was only allowed to bring the essentials because there was no room for books, toys or anything else.

She was forced to get up at some ridiculously early hour of the morning so they could make the long trek to her school. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing; she just would have had to go to bed earlier at night. But instead of picking her up from school and taking her back to his little apartment, most days he would drive two hours and take her to the home of the woman he'd left me for. He'd keep her there late and then they'd still have an hour drive to get back home. From what she's told me and from the emails I've found on this computer, some school nights she wasn't getting to bed until midnight or even 1 am.

Rather than focus on his daughter, rather than be there for her emotionally and provide her the stability she needed when she was experiencing a lot of turmoil in her life, he chose to add to the upheaval. She was still reeling from her parents splitting up, worried about her mother being in the hospital, and what does he do? Disregards her needs completely and throws another woman with a family into the mix.

That's where the rift in their relationship started. Had he fully been there for her when she needed him to be, a tremendous bond could have been cemented that would still be strong today. Instead he couldn't see past his own need for sex, his own need for attention, to shower his daughter with the love, affection and assurance she needed. That's not my fault.

So I'm doing something I don't believe I have ever done before in my entire life. I'm letting some guilt go. I'm no longer going to blame myself for the failure of their relationship. I'm no longer going to allow myself to find ways to blame myself for it. I'm no longer going to feel guilty that they aren't close. I did what I could to keep them together, so I can't shoulder the blame any longer. I'm letting it all go.