Magic Cookie

Conversations with K

2009-11-14T14:21:00.003-05:00

This morning...

K: Apples grow on trees. But berries do not grow on trees. They grow on bushes. SO, if you EVER see a tree... (looks uncertain and then walks away)

Last night in the tub...

Revisiting the "Sing After Me" song after not singing it for months:
Tra la la (Tra la la)
Mi mi mi (You, you, you)
Ha ha ha (NO NO NO)
Hee hee hee (HO HO HO)
Pick a peck of peppers (Pippapippapippa)
Fiddle diddle dee (Fiddle diddle dee)
Be my echo (Be your gecko)
Sing what I sing (I will!)
Follow the leader and sing after me (looking annoyed: I WILL!)

A few days ago...

K: You're sick. I am the doctor.
Me: Oh doctor, I feel terrible. Can you help me feel better?
K (offering a handful of coins): Some money?
Me: Are you sure I shouldn't get a lot of sleep, or drink plenty of water, or take some medicine instead?
K (handing me fourteen cents): No. Here is a hundred dollars. Now you feel much better!

Halloween...

At the first house, after much cajoling to try trick-or-treating: "MOMMY! They gave me CANDY!"

At the second house, where they left the door open and K walked right in and started to climb their stairs: "K! Where are you going?" "I'm going to get more candy!"

I love you more

2009-10-26T20:55:00.002-04:00

Me: I love you a LOT.
K: No. A little bit!
Me: No, a lot! I love you bigger than... Jupiter!
K: I love you bigger than Saturn!
Me: I love you bigger than the sun!
K: I love you bigger than the moon!
Me: I love you bigger than INFINITY!
K: I love you bigger than THE TUB!

Thank you, Columbus

2009-10-13T22:28:00.004-04:00

And thank you, The Firm, for giving me my first Columbus Day off since high school. JW had to work, so there was no hope of accomplishing anything. Instead, K and I just hung out all day and did whatever our little hearts desired. We hopped a bus to Harvard Square and browsed in a bookstore for a while. We chased birds and spotted mushrooms growing. We had a picnic while listening to a guy on the street sing and play guitar. K dropped a few dollars in the guy's bucket. When I asked K if he was ready to take the bus back home, he said, "No bus! Walk along and hold my hand." So we skipped naptime. I bought him a lollipop and we wandered the streets a while longer. When we got home, we did a little gardening and had an early dinner and bedtime.

It's been so long since I had an agenda-less day. We're always rushing around trying to get things done, and I'm always herding K. Into the bath! Diaper change! Time for school! It works, more or less, but this was a much-needed holiday.

More work lessons learned

2009-10-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

Maybe this will be an ongoing series.

Lesson #1: Read every word (and then some).

Lesson #2: Find someone who's done it before and ask them, no matter how straightforward it seems!

I was assigned to do what seemed like a fairly simple corporate transaction. I asked the paralegal about the procedure and the appropriate forms to file, and drafted the necessary documents.

Just before filing, I called a senior associate who had done a similar transaction to ask about one of the documents. "You're doing what?" he said. Then he told me to think twice. Apparently there's some bizarre omission in the relevant state's law that allows all sorts of transactions similar to this, but not this particular one. The state will actually accept it -- which is why the paralegal handed over the documents -- but the problem is that there's no statutory authority, so the firm could never give a legal opinion saying it was valid.

So, after drafting, and making sure the requirements were met, and going over everything with the client, we had to do it in a completely different way. Which was a little embarrassing to explain to the client. (The partner, luckily, took it in stride: he said, "Well, that'll be a huge write-off, and a lesson for us.")

Moral of the story: Always ask an experienced lawyer!

Actually, there's a hidden lesson #3 in this: Don't ignore things that seem strange or problematic.

This is another one I have to keep learning over and over. I see something (like an omission in a statute) and think, well, that's weird, but I guess it's okay because [nobody else seems to think it's a problem] [it seems like you should be able to do it this way] [there's probably a perfectly good reason that I don't understand]. Besides, everybody is so busy that it doesn't seem worth bringing up something that seems so minor.

Invariably, it comes up later. Duh: we're lawyers. It's our job to sweat minor details.

Note to self: Write it down. Bring it up. (Although in this case, I actually did bring up the weirdness in the statute -- just not in a way that flagged this particular issue, which I wouldn't have been able to identify on my own.)

Daily routine

2009-10-09T13:57:00.002-04:00

My periodic posts describing our daily routine are probably boring for readers, but I like looking at them when I go back to my archives -- they remind me of what life was like when K was smaller. Our current routine:

5:30 a.m. - I wake up, exercise, shower, fix K's lunch if necessary.

6:30 a.m., if we're lucky - K wakes up. We hang out in bed and read books for a while, then he gets up and drinks some warm milk and we play with trains. This morning he threw a blanket over his head and chased me around the house, yelling, "Woooo! I'm a ghost!"

6:15-7 a.m. - JW wakes up, showers, goes to work.

7:15-8 a.m. - Breakfast. Usually some combination of whole grains, fruit, nuts, cheese, and/or eggs. Today it was Quaker Oatmeal Squares, pasta with beans, a mango which we shared, and a plum. (I was impressed that he ate the pasta. He asked for it repeatedly and then didn't want to eat it, but I reminded him of all the conversations we've had recently about wasting food and he wrinkled his nose and ate half the bowl. That's some serious self-discipline for a 2-year old.)

8-8:30 a.m. - Brush teeth, change clothes, try to be out the door by 8:15.

8:15-8:45 a.m. - Unless it's raining, walk or jog to school, pausing to look at cats and trucks and to say hi to neighbors. I push K in his blue car while he calls, "Go fast, Mommy! Go faster! Go faster than ever!" This morning, whenever I slowed to a walk he counted to ten and then yelled, "Ready, GO!" At school, I stow K's food in the fridge and his backpack on the hook and give him a kiss goodbye, then walk or jog home pushing the empty blue car. Invariably someone comments on how I lost my kid.

8:45 a.m. - Quick change, hop in the car, head to work.

4:30 p.m. - JW picks up K and somehow manages to make dinner. (I miss doing afternoon pickup, but I do NOT miss the stress of having to cook something healthy that K will eat while he's hanging on to my leg and whining for a snack or for me to come play trains with him.)

6:30 p.m. - I get home, on days I don't have to work late. K is usually close to done with his dinner.

7 p.m. - Bath time. K likes it when I pretend to dunk him in headfirst.

7:30 p.m. - Thomas time.

8-8:15 p.m. - Books (lately, nursery rhymes and "Go, Dog. Go!") and bed. JW comes in for a goodnight kiss, then I turn off the lights, tuck K in, sing "Rainbow Connection" and rub his back a little and say goodnight.

8:15-10 p.m. - Mommy and Daddy free time, in which dishes get done, phone calls made, meetings attended, etc. And occasionally we get to watch TV or play Beatles Rock Band.

10 p.m., if we're good - Bed.

What gets you a date

2009-10-06T21:36:00.004-04:00

The OKCupid blog is awesome -- it's full of statistical analysis of people's online dating behavior. Check out this dating flowchart, and this analysis of what language in an initial message gets you a reply. Then head over to Ana's blog to give her some online dating advice.

I am a little tempted to sign up for OKCupid just to get one of those flowcharts. Here are more.

My board of advisors

2009-10-05T21:55:00.000-04:00

Right around review time, I got a phone call from the department chair that threw me for a loop. I couldn't concentrate after that, and went around knocking on people's doors saying either, "Did you get the call?" or "I got this call... what should I do?"

I talked to a few other associates who were in the same boat, and then to some partners and senior associates who I thought would give me good advice. And I think they did. After making the rounds, I felt better -- not only about the actual issue, but also because I realized that in the short time I've been at the firm, I've built up a little panel of advisors. I think senior associates are actually the most valuable members of that panel, since they're in a position to know a lot about the firm and how it works without feeling like they need to hold back.

When I first started, one of my goals was to build an internal network. I've noticed that asking more senior people for career advice is a great way to do that -- I learn a lot from them, and it makes them feel more invested in me. In our firm, and I would guess in most firms, senior associates are in demand. If you get them on your side, their work ends up trickling down to you.

All of this sounds very calculating, and I do genuinely like and value these people. This experience just made me realize how important these relationships are for my career.

Weekend baking

2009-10-03T22:12:00.008-04:00

Tonight: Chocolate chip cookie dough. The trend these days is to let your dough rest for 36 hours before baking. It only took about ten minutes to mix the dough, and then I stuck it in the fridge. Done! Delayed gratification -- what a concept. I've been into the idea of having all sorts of pre-baked or pre-assembled meal components in the freezer, and this is part of my plan. After the resting time, I'll bake a few, make the rest into a log, and stick it in the freezer so that we can produce freshly baked cookies for guests.

Earlier: Popovers, second attempt. I used half Wondra flour this time, and added lots of freshly ground pepper and some herbes de Provence. They puffed up beautifully and had a perfect souffle-like texture on the inside. Unfortunately, I had neglected to grease the muffin tin. We ended up pulling the tops out and eating those, and then soaking the pan so we could scrape the bottoms down the garbage disposal. At least the tops were good. Third time will be the charm, hopefully.

Last weekend: Arepas and pajeon (Korean scallion pancake, or at least a bastardized version of one). I think I liked both of them better than JW or K did. (K, alas, rarely appreciates our cooking efforts and prefers Goldfish crackers to muffins fresh out of the oven.) Tomorrow I may try Chinese-style scallion pancakes. Also on my list: these buttermilk oatmeal muffins.

Too much two

2009-09-21T22:39:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been feeling a little toddlered out. I've been gritting my teeth at behavior that I would normally shrug off, or even find charming. (For example, today I woke up at 6 a.m. to a rhythmic chant of "WIPE MY SNOT. WIPE MY SNOT.")

Maybe that's why this NYT piece by Tim Kreider, a single man in his forties, resonated with me:

Most of my married friends now have children, the rewards of which appear to be exclusively intangible and, like the mysteries of some gnostic sect, incommunicable to outsiders. In fact it seems from the outside as if these people have joined a dubious cult: they claim to be much happier and more fulfilled than ever before, even though they live in conditions of appalling filth and degradation, deprived of the most basic freedoms and dignity, and owe unquestioning obedience to a capricious and demented master.

I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small, rude, incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff for the rest of my life.

Then again, this part is also true:

But there are also moments when some part of me wonders whether I am not only missing the biological boat but something I cannot even begin to imagine — an entire dimension of human experience undetectable to my senses, like a flatlander scoffing at the theoretical concept of sky.

Back in my pre-child days, I had so much free time that I used to wish I could occasionally trade places with my future harried mom self and give her a break while spending a lovely evening with my future offspring. (One of the often overlooked advantages of time travel: free babysitting!) It's been a while since I thought about that, but today I wished that I could trade places for one day with the mom of teenaged K. She would probably be nostalgically thrilled to wipe snot and read "Babar and the Scary Day" ten zillion times in a row. And even though I'd miss him yelling "You're Cookie Monster. I'm a cookie!" and running around with no pants on, I would happily hang out with an older K, eye-rolling and all. I bet by the end of the day, my future self and I would be glad to switch back.

Socks on

2009-09-18T18:01:00.001-04:00

"NO! Don't take my clothes off. I don't want to get in the tub!"

"Do you want to take your socks off by yourself, or should I take them off for you?"

K considered, and then replied: "I just want to keep my socks on."

Argh! That "do you want X or Y" trick is a staple in my parenting repertoire. I knew it wouldn't work forever. I just didn't think he'd figure out so soon that he could invent a third alternative.

Another recent K-ism: he has no problem loudly and repeatedly saying NO, until I ask him an actual yes-or-no question, like "Do you want to go for a walk?" Then he replies, "Uh, I don't think so, Mommy. I don't think that's a good idea."

He's also been saying "I don't know" a lot, even to things he clearly does know. He figured out that we would stop pestering him to think for himself and just tell him the answer if he says he doesn't know. But we eventually caught on and now we're back to pestering.

We got a digital clock for his room (to reinforce a new rule: wake-up time does not start until 6-0-0! Don't make any noise until the first number is 6!) and he has become interested in numbers, reading them off signs and boxes and whatever we see. But he usually reads them backwards. He often reads letters right to left, too. We've been reading to him so much for his entire life that I was a little surprised to realize that he didn't get the concept of reading from top to bottom and left to right. But of course, I don't move my finger as I read, and he's looking at the pictures. He is starting to make out the letters and can read a few words (on, off, go). I've been attempting to read a little in Bengali to remind myself how hard it is to read when first you have to figure out what all the letters are.

Memo to myself

2009-09-17T16:08:00.003-04:00

On the subject of being a corporate lawyer, here is a lesson I've had to keep learning over and over again:

NEVER STOP READING.

Don't read just the first page of a document and conclude that it's not what you're looking for.
Don't breeze through a provision, assuming that it's identical to all the other provisions you've seen in the same type of agreement by the same party.
Do not ever skip a single word in an email or letter. In fact, read those three or four times.
When reading a provision in an agreement, read the entire section and skim the entire agreement.
When reading a statute, skim the entire chapter or at least look through the table of contents.

I read a haiku on someone's blog once (I thought it was googiebaba, who has demonstrated haiku talent, but couldn't find it on her blog) about how the writer was bored and exhausted, but must pay attention to every word, because that's her job.

Maybe writing it here will help it to finally sink in.

Being a first-year corporate associate

2009-09-16T20:53:00.000-04:00

Part of the reason I haven't felt inspired to post lately is that I am now an employee. My days don't vary that much and I'm wary about my blog being discovered and scrutinized. But I remember being eager to hear what being a junior corporate lawyer is really like.

Here's what it's like: I spend my days drafting agreements and consents, explaining things to people over the phone, and looking at spreadsheets and trying to figure out where all the numbers come from. A good chunk of the time, I'm doing something I have never done before, which can be anxiety-inducing when it's something with potential consequences like a securities filing. Sometimes I have three different people looking at what I produce, all of them giving me conflicting instructions. Sometimes I wish I could get someone to look at what I'm doing. I sit around for half the afternoon and just as I'm contemplating going home, I start getting phone calls with assignments that have to get done by the end of the day. (The end of the day really means the end, as in, when I'm too tired to stay awake any longer.) I do a fair amount of pro bono work with nonprofits, lots of venture capital financings of private companies, and the occasional random health care / FDA / hedge fund assignment. Like all the other associates, I worry about job security and whether I'm contributing anything useful. I like my job most when I'm interacting directly with a client (and actually know what I'm talking about) or when I can see the big picture of helping a nonprofit get tax-exempt status or helping a biotech client raise enough money to get through its next round of clinical trials. I like my job least when I'm feeling isolated in my office, needing guidance but not being able to find anyone to talk to me. I feel like there are so many different areas to learn about that it will take me years and years to get any real expertise. At the same time, I know there are documents I can draft in half an hour now that would have taken me three hours a few months ago.

It doesn't sound terribly exciting, and when I read PBB I feel like I should be doing something with a bigger impact, like maybe practicing corporate law isn't fulfilling my true lawyerly potential. I do help people. But not, for the most part, people who wouldn't otherwise be helped, and not in such an immediate way. Anyway, I am turning my altruistic inclinations in other directions for now, and I like the job so far.

Or if you only have five minutes

2009-09-15T20:40:00.002-04:00

Watch this video, K's current obsession.

It's from They Might Be Giants' new album Here Comes Science, which has been on constant rotation in our house since it arrived last week. Many of the songs are a little advanced for a 2-year old, but that hasn't stopped K. ("Mommy, what's DNA?" Uh...)

What you should do with that twenty minutes of free time you manage to scrape together over the course of three days

2009-09-14T20:51:00.004-04:00

Read this story.

(I just kept it on my iPhone browser and every time I had to wait for anything, I would read some more.)

Catching up

2009-09-12T06:25:00.003-04:00

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without updating.

Life has been uncomfortably busy. Both JW and I are involved in major projects outside of work.

K's 2.5-year doctor's appointment went smoothly, thanks to the "I Go to the Doctor" story in his "About Me" Childcraft book. He's still asking to read the story, days after seeing the doctor. K has grown 1 inch and gained 2 pounds in the last 6 months. He drew in his breath to yell when he got his flu shot, but what came out was "Stickos?" (which the doctor had wisely offered while giving the shot).

Things I have been thinking / learning about lately:

Boston public school choice.

Handwriting.

Playback Theater.

Beginning guitar. (I can play three songs now!)

Books I have read:

The Perfect Fruit by Chip Brantley. Now I know all about the stone fruit industry.

Something Missing by Matthew Dicks. I loved this book. It's been a while since I read a novel that I loved. It's about a career criminal who gets to know his "clients" so well (by making regular acquisitions from their homes) that he finds himself noticing things that are wrong in their lives and trying to fix them.

Things I have baked:
Pumpkin oatmeal muffins with apricot preserves from the Moosewood Cookbook. I left out the oil by accident and they were still good. Plus, they use pantry ingredients. The preserves made a little hole in the center of each muffin, though.
Zucchini, carrot, and pineapple cake. Was supposed to be muffins, but I couldn't find the muffin tin. Got rave reviews.
Spinach and basil muffins, with heavy modifications to this recipe. I liked them and would make them again. I'm not sure how everybody else felt -- they were probably expecting more traditional muffins.
I guess I've been on a muffin kick. Planned for today: Nancy Silverton's bran muffins. (Also, empanadas and salted caramel ice cream. We're having friends over for dinner.)

Big boy bed

2009-08-15T22:14:00.003-04:00

For the first time in months, a weekend stretched out before us with no plans. We had plenty on our to-do list, but no agenda.

Still, I was glad when JW, who had been lying on the coach bemoaning the latest of a series of minor illnesses, suddenly sat up and said, "Let's go to Ikea and buy K a bed." (#212 on the list.) Within ten minutes we were all in the car. A few hours, many mattress bounces, and several plates of Swedish meatballs later, we returned home with a Minnen extendable bed, a Sultan Sova extendable mattress, and Barnslig Rand sheets.

While JW assembled the bed, I bribed K with a strawberry lollipop to sit still for a haircut. (Which I was quite proud of. Maybe not salon quality, but no tears or tipping involved.) K was excited about his bed and kept running in and out of his room, climbing into bed and out again. He even said he'd sleep without a pacifier tonight because he was a big boy now.

K became nervous when bedtime rolled around. He kept requesting more books, demanded his pacifier, and got up twice during his bedtime song.

He's been asleep for a little over two hours now. We'll see how it goes.

Update: First night went smoothly. Naptime required a little intervention and was shorter than usual. Second night started off the same as the first, with repeated requests for one more book and one more song. But so far, so good. (Haircut update: I noticed a small bald spot above one ear, but he doesn't care, and I saved twenty dollars.)

Interview with a 2-year old

2009-08-14T06:16:00.007-04:00

Q: How was your day, K?
A: Good. It was not bad. It was good.

Q: What was the best thing that happened to you today?
A: I wanted some water and Mary gave me a cup of water.

Q: What was the worst thing that happened to you today?
A: I cried and cried.

Q: Why did you cry and cry?
A: Because I had snot in my nose.

Other things K has been up to lately:

- Getting chased by monsters.

- Wearing our shoes.

- Simultaneously playing as many instruments as possible.

- Inventing a complicated game where two plastic people wait for the bus but instead get picked up, and dumped out, by every wheeled toy in the house. This game takes about half an hour to complete and makes quite a mess. It also requires extensive commentary by the plastic people, voiced by me. I have tried to get K to take over this duty but he insists, "SAY!"

- Crashing engines into barbershops, thanks to a Thomas story we read. The other day he formed his grapes into a rectangle and announced that they were an engine. "Is the engine going to crash into the carrots?" I asked. He gave me a withering look. "Those are not carrots, Mommy. That's a barbershop."

- Taking all the kitchen utensils out of the drawer, naming them, and then putting them all back. As a result, he knows that an offset spatula is for frosting cakes.

- Reciting his books. This is the end of "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back," where Little Cat Z takes the Voom off his head to clean up the snow. (Of course, if you've never read the book, this will be totally incomprehensible.)

Post-bar reading list

2009-08-10T21:18:00.004-04:00

I read my last non-law book at the beginning of May. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember thinking, "This is it. No more pleasure reading until after the bar."

On a mini-vacation with CT, I bought three books. I rarely buy books (except for K), but I was feeling indulgent. There was one I was particularly excited to read. But even though I've been bringing it everywhere with me, I haven't opened it yet. Somehow it feels daunting to start reading for fun again after so long.

Here's my post-bar reading list:
The Perfect Fruit: Good Breeding, Bad Seeds, and the Hunt for the Elusive Pluot by Chip Brantley
Something Missing by Matthew Dicks
How to See Europe on Fifty Cents a Day by Lee Meriwether
The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin
When Genius Failed: The Rise and Fall of Long-Term Capital Management by Roger Lowenstein
Shakespeare Wrote for Money by Nick Hornby
The Ten Most Beautiful Experiments by George Johnson
Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

And some holdovers from my previous list:
Opening Skinner's Box: Great Psychological Experiments of the Twentieth Century by Lauren Slater
Your Brain Is (Almost) Perfect: How We Make Decisions by Read Montague
Family Planning by Karan Mahajan
Things I've Been Silent About by Azar Nafisi
Songs Without Words by Ann Packer
The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

The books I did manage to read from my previous list were not that exciting, for the most part. American Wife was an interesting fictionalized look at Laura Bush, and was about as sympathetic to George W. as a liberal can get. The Dissident was well-written but slow-moving and sort of odd in that I was never sure whether the "twist" at the end was supposed to be a twist or whether you were supposed to know it all along. The Position had such an intriguing premise -- parents write wildly successful Joy of Sex type book starring themselves, what happens to the family? -- but turned out to be your typical divorce/dysfunction book.

One of these days I will get over my fear and start the pluot book.

Tiny violin

2009-08-08T10:29:00.005-04:00

I bought it off eBay after K kept trying to play my violin and ruined one of my bows (but actually made some vaguely musical sounds in the process). It took forever to arrive. I made the mistake of telling him that the mailman was going to bring him a little violin. I didn't mention it again, but for weeks every time we got a package he would ask, "My violin?"

Money

2009-08-07T10:30:00.001-04:00

Ana wrote about her views on money. I agree with nearly all of them, but for different reasons than she wrote about.

1. Rules for expenditures.

Ana judges the wisdom of an expenditure according to whether the time will appreciate, depreciate, or retain its value. This makes a lot of sense, but I think of this as the "disposal value." In other words, how much will this item be worth to me when I don't want it anymore? I base my decisions about spending almost exclusively on the use I'll make of the item. How long will I need/want it? How often will I use it? How much satisfaction will I be getting out of it per dollar? I think about the "use value" rather than the disposal value.

For instance, we renovated our kitchen pretty soon after moving into the house. Will we make our money back? I think so, but I'm not sure. I don't care that much because we enjoy our kitchen every day and we could afford it at the time, so the expenditure was worth it.

2. Rules regarding displays of wealth.

Ana says displays of wealth are rude because to be gracious, you shouldn't make others feel bad that they have less. Again, this makes total sense, I've just never thought about it in quite this way. I've always thought that displays of wealth are tacky because they show that the person doing the displaying has their priorities way out of whack. When I see someone wearing some huge logo I think, "It's okay, you don't have to prove anything to anybody. Go home and put on something that you actually like."

Also, on wearing logos in general, Ana says "Why on earth would someone want to be a walking billboard that basically says 'Rob Me!'?" True, but I'd stop at "walking billboard." I am a human being, not an advertising space for a brand.

[Omitting lots of rules in the middle.]

9. Money doesn't make people happy.

Ana's point here is that you don't need money to impress people, and that "it's a means to an end." I agree with that. But honestly, money does make me happy. It makes me feel secure to know that we have enough savings that we won't be in crisis if one of us loses our job or gets sick. It makes me happy to be able to give money to people in need. It makes me happy not to have to scrutinize every purchase, to feel that I can buy anything I need and enough things I want. I don't think this is a huge difference in attitude, but it gives me a higher sellout threshold than Ana.

I guess all of these rules about money assume some basic ideas: that you don't buy things that you don't need (or really want AND can afford); that you don't spend beyond your means unless absolutely necessary; and that you have some sense of having enough and aren't consumed with the idea of money as an end in itself.

Salary negotiations

2009-08-06T16:09:00.007-04:00

Over at Starting to Melt, Cee asks whether she should negotiate her salary.

I wrote her a long comment (with a resounding YES), but here's my personal story. I didn't negotiate at one of my early jobs because a friend who worked there told me it was a small company and they probably couldn't afford much. I just asked them to match my previous salary and was happy they did. I really wanted the job and didn't feel I had a lot of leverage to negotiate anyway.

I was one of the few software engineers at this company, which was moving toward a mainly web-based model after years of producing print materials. That meant I got lots of responsibility very quickly. After a year or two, we started interviewing more engineers. My manager was careless and left an offer letter in the printer. I happened to see it when I was picking up my printout. The offer was for $13,000 more than I was making.

I had interviewed this guy. He had similar qualifications to me, but two years less experience. Meanwhile, I had worked my way up and was now in charge of one of the major product lines. I was furious and felt that I had been taken advantage of. (Which was true in a way, but I had also never asked for more.)

I scheduled a meeting with my manager and, without mentioning that I had seen the offer letter, outlined my accomplishments and told him that I wanted a $13,000 increase over my current salary. He pointed out that this was a large percentage. I said that I knew, but felt I was being substantially underpaid.

He came back with a counteroffer: an $8,000 raise now with an additional $5,000 raise in 6 months. I said I felt this was fair. He said, "You do? I mean, uh, that's great." (Did I mention he was careless?)

I learned that it's always worth it to negotiate salary. Negotiating doesn't mean making a demand and threatening to walk away. It's a request for more. If they turn you down, no big deal. If they give you everything you want, you probably should have asked for more.

Salary follows you for a very long time. At your current job, every raise and bonus will be based on a percentage of your salary. If you start out lower than others at your level, you'll end up a lot lower at the end. The fantastic negotiation book Ask for It by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever(reviewed here) makes this point over and over -- not negotiating in the beginning has a huge effect later in your career. At subsequent jobs, your new employer will always try to find out your previous salary as a starting point.

There are lots of tips out there for how to approach this negotiation, but in a nutshell: build up your case with your own qualifications and some objective standards for what the salary should be, then state your case matter-of-factly without apology or ultimatum. Remember that this is a business transaction. It is intimidating, but don't be scared because you're afraid they'll think badly of you. As long as what you ask for isn't totally inappropriate for your position, negotiating will show that you're capable of asserting your worth.

(P.S. - My story isn't meant to be a how-to -- I put myself in a bad situation, and while I'm glad I tried to get out of it, I probably could have handled it better. The story was just my wake-up call that I had to stick up for myself because nobody else would be making sure I got the best deal.)

New car

2009-08-05T06:06:00.004-04:00

We test drove a car. I think this is our official entry into the market.

JW has been asking when we'll replace our ancient Saturn for over a year now. During school, I could use the excuse that we couldn't afford it. Lately my standard response is, "When it explodes."

Our car has virtually no resale value, but it's worth something to us. It's been fully paid off for close to a decade. It gets us from Point A to Point B. It still gets good mileage. It starts up almost all the time. Sure, it shakes at speeds above forty, and you can hear it coming from a block away. And one of the speakers in the stereo system has been blown for years. And it's been in about four accidents, two of which involved replacing most of the parts. So what if you can see nails on the outside where two pieces used to be connected, and there's a big crack above one wheel, and one of the side mirrors falls off if you look at it wrong. The car still works.

JW played the baby card ("what if K were in the car and something happened?") and that started to sway me. I was finally convinced when, as I got out of the car after the test drive, a piece of the door came off in my hand.

"This car has served us well," said JW. "It's taken a lot of abuse over the years. Let it die peacefully."

So I guess we're looking to buy a car. I hate buying big expensive things.

Everything I hate about Long Island in a neat little package

2009-08-02T20:19:00.002-04:00

As I drove down the six-lane highway past miles of strip mall, a kid in the car next to me stuck his head out and kept screaming at me, "HEY! HEYYY!!! SEE HABLA ESPANOL! SI! SI!!" F*** you, kid. You too, Long Island.

Done with the bar exam

2009-07-31T06:37:00.004-04:00

Wrists still work, although they need some rest. The essay day was okay. There were one or two essays where I read all the way through the fact pattern and got to "What are the rights of the parties?" and hadn't spotted a single issue. But when I thought long enough, I could come up with various ways for everyone to sue each other. I think that means I'm ready to be a real lawyer.

The criminal law essay involved a guy who hired somebody to kill his pregnant wife. When the wife saw the killer trying to break in, she grabbed a knife, yelled "I'll take this into my own hands!" and stabbed herself until she fell down unconscious. What deranged mind came up with that one?

Immediately after the bar, I checked my email and learned that a close family friend had died. So I didn't feel much like celebrating. I called my ER doctor brother, who told me she was hit by a car and gave me some unnecessarily gory details. That made me feel much worse. I guess the result is the same, but it was comforting to think that she died peacefully. When I heard how violent her death was, it seemed so random and unfair.

She was one of my parents' best friends. She helped take care of me when I was little. Her house was always open to all the kids in our community, and when we grew up we would still gather there every Thanksgiving. She had a grandson who was almost the same age as K, and would trade stories with me whenever I talked to her.

Today I'm going to Boston to return my bar books and iPod. Tonight we're driving to New York for the funeral.

I did the MBE and it wasn't so bad

2009-07-29T22:05:00.004-04:00

Done with Day 1 of the bar exam.

Yesterday I blew off the last few study items on my list and took a mental health day. I finally used the birthday gift certificate from my sister-in-law and got a massage and my first-ever facial. Then I went to see a movie, and spent the evening hanging with the family. At night I slept like a baby (meaning I woke up a few times, but got back to sleep) and woke up feeling relaxed and back to my old self. Which meant that I was honestly happy, not just convincing-myself happy, that the bar exam was finally here and I could stop spending every spare moment answering multiple-choice questions.

I got there a little early and took a walk around. A comparison between the bar exam and labor popped into my head -- both take lots of preparation and are anticipated with horror, but once you get through them, they're done and you never have to think about them again. (Until you get to the next state or kid.) But then I realized that labor was the most excruciating pain of my life and there was no way the bar exam could compare. I've given birth. I can handle way worse than this.

These thoughts comforted me while I ate a second breakfast. My main concern with the MBE morning session was eating enough. When I'm hungry I get distracted and can only think about food. I ate enough to focus during the morning, but in the afternoon there were lots of criminal law questions and those distract me too. I always start imagining myself as the criminal defendant and daydream elaborate scenarios where I plead for justice or scheme to evade it.

The exam conditions were more humane than I expected. The proctors were nice, we had plenty of room, the bathrooms were clean, nobody seemed to be freaking out. The actual test was tough, but so similar to the Barbri practice tests, right down to the typeface, that I felt pretty comfortable.

I finished both sessions way early, earning glares when I was one of the first ones to walk out. (I did check some of my answers, but I didn't think I was going to change anything and I really wanted to leave. So I left.) Between sessions, I walked into the city and treated myself to a fancy lunch.

The best part was when I got home. JW opened the door with a big smile, and K exclaimed, "Mommy, I bought you some ice cream!" And he did, too!

So, to quote Dr. Seuss, today is gone, today was fun, tomorrow is another one. I think tomorrow will be brutal. Not just because it's so much more material. And not just because, unlike today, I doubt I can crank out five essays in two hours. Given my past wrist problems, I will be medicated and possibly bandaged and am hoping that I will finish the day with full use of my hands. Wish me luck.