Hi-Brow + Low-Brow = Uni-Brow

... ya know ....

2008-11-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a really long time since I posted.

I have nothing to say. I just wanted to see if I could guess my own password. It's all become a little fuzzy with the google password and all that.

I've been all about the facebook lately, but thougt I'd dust the cobwebs off blogger.

I think status updates on facebook are turning people into better writers. Like a haiku, it demands an economy of words that would benefit most any blog, including mine.

I've been a facebook fiend since discovering it. But it's worth remembering that even though it feels a little like socializing, it really isn't. And it feels like writing but it really isn't.

Writing and socializing are both things I need to do more of.

Facebook does help alleviate a sense of isolation that's developed since moving to LA. LA is not good if you've got a bit of agoraphobia, or a shitload of it.

I lived in Manhattan for fifteen years and it really rattled me. It's just too much stimuli. LA is better but it's still a lot. I've never lived as an adult anyplace other than these preposterously large cities and I often fantasize about living in a more human-scaled city. I'd like to try that some time.

I've got nothing to add on the election, I think I said everything I've got to say in my snarky status updates on FB.

All I've really got is that I've decided that idiots are toxic and I need to limit my exposure to them. I had to listen to that Sarah Palin - who is a world class moron. But for the time being, I don't have to listen to her inane bullshit anymore so I'm going to try to avoid idiots as much as possible. It's bad for the soul.

I've taken to pruning the trees around my apartment building and it's been the best thing. Physical activity, genuine aesthetics and having to work around and with both nature and her wisdom and the previous gardeners who have pruned those trees with no wisdom.

I'm feeling like I'm in a liminal zone. Whatever the previous lives I've led are over and some sort of new chapter is starting but I don't what it is and can't actually picture it.

I do feel that profound and some ways delicious agitation I tend to get right before I DO SOMETHING.

Republicans love the cock

2007-08-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

... oh yes they do, yummy yummy cock, yum yum they love it, yes they do ...

... this whole Craig thing has illuminated the republican outrage over the Monica Lewinsky thing for me ... the deal is that blowjobs are OK for male politicians as long as they're *giving* them ...

Republicans
restoring dignity to Washington
...one men's room stall at a time

2007-04-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

... how crazy is this?

2007-04-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

... You know that ship that sunk off the coast of Greece?

... My dad was on it!

... He's fine.

... He and his wife have their passports, he has his wallet and his camera -- with good pictures of the sinking I'm told and that's it.

They were unable to purchase more clothes cuz they're in Rome and it's Easter. So they're called "the stinky survivors."

While on the ship that picked them up, there as an announcement from the Greek government assuring any and all help needed and telling any Greek citizens who to contact if they had any questions or conderns. Then there was a similar announcement from the Spanish ambassador. Then silence. Nothing from the United States embassy. My uncle Don, who was relating the story to me, said that swift boat asshole they just confirmed as an ambassador must have been sent to Greece.

I got to do some EMT stuff

2007-04-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

I was in line getting my lunch before I went in to work, when someone yelled that an old man had fallen and split his head open. I put my stuff on the counter and said I'd be back.

When I got there, security and valet services had already stood him up and leaned him against a podium. They had also already called 911. I checked him out, asked him some questions. Someone got him a chair, so I helped him into it. I asked him a few more questions and got a closer look at his wounds. I told him he was probably fine, but that we'd let the fire department have a look at him and that they'd probably rule out anything serious, clean him up, put dressings on and send him on his way.

I stayed with him until the fire department got there, gave them a quick report, and was on my way.

Here's the thing, this was very basic, first-responder type stuff. I've given care at about this same level before, but for the first time, I was really confident about it. For the first time I was certain I was asking the right questions and doing the right things. It was so comforting to confidently move down a flow chart in my mind, ruling things out as I went.

Head wounds are dramatic, they bleed a lot, so folks were sparking out a bit and kinda talking at him. Within a couple questions I was feeling pretty confident I'd ruled out anything critical and knew I was most likely dealing with a dramatic but inconsequential situation. I kept my eye on him to see if any of that changed. If he were a young guy, it probably would have been clean him, dress the wounds and send him on his way, but he appeared to be in his 70s at least. Old guy's gotta get checked out.

So it's not so much that I feel like Mr. Big Pants for having EMT training but it's just that just yesterday I was thinking "what the hell did I do all that for?" and today I feel like it was well worth it. Like I said it was relatively minor. A Red Cross First Aid course would have been sufficient but the EMT training and experience, if nothing else, let me be the calm guy asking the right questions and keeping the patient calm. People are always gonna get hurt, and I'm always going to want to help and now I'm so glad I have just a little bit more knowledge and experience.

What I really try to remember is that I don't actually know shit about shit and focus on the basics -- scene safety, airway, breathing, circulation and then keep a close eye on all of the above.

And if you're going to come in late to work, coming in with blood on you goes a long way towards squelching a lot of questions about it.

oh ... actually that was really easy ...

2007-04-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

every time I went to log in I read some shit about new blogger and google account and whatnot and I clicked away in a cloud of "whatever" but, yeah it turns out, if you actually read it, it made sense

here's the thing ... I moved ...

same apartment building, just upstairs to a larger space

Here's what I learned:
It's easier to move across town than it is to move up two flights of stairs
Not only are there nine types of vinegar, we need all nine of them

Right outside our window is a loquat tree. Lots of suirrels and crows are attracted to that tree, as are cats and spiders and one of my neighbors eats them too. I heard a noisy and unfamiliar bird in that tree the other morning, I had a closer look, expecting it to be one of the usual suspects, but it was bright, almost fluorescent green. There was a parrot in the tree outside my window! Or a parakeet, whatever, I'm not sure, not the piratey looking bird but the little green one. I had read about these feral parrot/parakeet colonies in San Francisco and Glendale. That evening he came back with a little friend.

Parrots!

A National Day of Mourning

2007-01-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

President George W. Bush has declared January 2, 2007 to be a National Day of Mourning

Ah relief!

2006-12-29T11:39:00.000-08:00

One -- that infernal christmas "music" finally stopped

Two -- I'm proposing a new guideline at work for my fellow employees and me --

Bitching only in even numbered hours

We have a lot to bitch about.

But I just can't take it any more.

I'm hoping for a full vote on this when everyone is back and I would love to come into 2007 knowing at least half of every shift will be completely devoid of pissing and moaning.

Don't get me wrong. It was the sound of my own voice that drove me the craziest.

I realized I genuinely had nothing new to offer on any of the topics AND the likelihood of any of them improving is virtually nil.

So stay or go. That's the choice. And if it's stay, then it is what it is.

I've sometimes fallen into the delusion that the law of karma applies to *almost* everyone. When I see people putting pungent badness into the world and *seemingly* not getting any of it back on them, I start to get panicky and afraid and fall into an additional delusion that *I'm* the one that has to do something about it.

And then, after some time, I see the inevitable blow up in their face and I feel embarassed for having gotten so worked up over it.

There was a woman I worked with who was so pathologically nasty that when she walked in the room, it felt like the temperature dropped. A cloud of nausea and awfulness seemed to travel along with her.

But then, I noticed that every now and again, she'd come in here and take a big ol'd nasty psychological dump on us and skitter out the room and I would not only not get upset, I'd find it downright hilarious. The difference was not in her but me.

My feeling was that on those days I simply was not on her frequency. Worse that means all that time I was upset by her, it mean I was ON her frequency.

I'm a fairly decent knife fighter but I don't carry one because the idea of using one for self defense is too intimate. I don't want to be covered in someone elses blood and fluids. Also cops tend to notice that sort of thing.

Well it's the same way with getting into a vibe of really hating someone. You end up covered in their stuff. Really hating someone is too intimate. You end up thinking about them way too much. You do that when you're in love too. When you think about someone a whole lot, you end up putting out all these psycho-para-physical tendrils to them and you end up getting a huge dose of them.

I'm not at all saying I'm never going to get upset at or bitch at anyone any more, no this is not a new age daisies kind of world but I am saying that I'm going to try to be real selective of who I wrap my tendrils around.

Speaking of which, FOUR people have asked me in the past three days if anyone heard anything about Chucklehead.

I think there's a reason.

I think he's dead.

On the one hand ... DUH!

On the other, the building feels different. It doesn't feel like there's a really crazy, drugged out psychopath obsessively thinking evil thoughts about us anymore.

The tendrils are gone.

I know that sounds a little new agey and flaky and stuff.

It's just true.

Bite Me Roto Rooter

2006-12-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

2:15am, I am awakened by incessant and repeated car alarms, a dozen or so. I look out my window and it is a Roto Rooter van parked right outside my window.

Over the course of an hour or so, the alarm goes off every time the repairman comes to the truck to get or return tools. Then he tries repeatedly to start the van, setting the alarm off over and over again. Finally, closing in on 4 am, Karen called the Sheriff's department.

When the deputies arrived I stepped out to tell them what's what, but it was obvious as the alarm was blaring when they rolled up. The RR guy told the deputies he's been on the phone with his supervisor who was telling him how to shut it off but it hadn't been working. (that didn't stop him from trying over and over again)

The deputies tried to shut it off and also failed. They pulled the battery cable and told the RR man to get a tow truck. They said his van would be gone in thirty minutes one way or another, that if he didn't get a tow, the Sheriff's Department would tow it.

About half an hour after that, the supervisor arrived, he plugged the battery back in and tried to see if HE could get it work, treating us to another barrage of car alarms twenty feet from our heads. I opened the window and said "Guys come on, you gotta give us a break." They started the van and drove away with the alarm going.

The time was now 5am.

Ya know ... "Ghost Hunters" was starting to make me like Roto Rooter.

Jason and Grant would have done different. That's for sure.

Cafe Rangoon

2006-12-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

My coworker Richard -- a Chinese National raised in Burma (it figures in the story), devised a way to get a really good pot of coffee at work. He says he shakes the basket, which is true, he does. But he also brews a half pot using a full pot bag. That's where the flavor comes from. I call this brew "Cafe Rangoon" in honor of his adopted homeland. And every day I walk into his office and say "Hey Richard what time is it?" Sometimes he tells me what time it is, but sometimes he catches himself and says "It's time for Cafe Rangoon" -- which is the correct response.

Well, I walked into his office to do our bit and he said he had just poured himself a cup of tea. He said "I am trying to be more Buddhist and drink tea. Coffee is an imperialist drink." I said "You have a good point, let's discuss it in Tibet ... I'm sorry, I mean China." He threw up his hands and said "I can't get away with anything around you!" I told him he wasn't going to get too much traction with the Imperialist round-eye thing with me.

OK, yeah it wasn't that great, but it was fast and it was like ten minutes after a very fast one I had at Borders books.

I was talking to an older black woman (it figures into the story) and she was telling me about her braces and how hard it was to speak with them in. She said "I hear myself speak and I don't know what that is, I know it's not Ebonics but I don't know what it is." I said "It's orthobonics." She kinda crossed her eyes a second and said "It IS! It's ORTHOBONICS!! You're RIGHT!"

So you see what I'm saying. If I sat around for an hour and came up with that, it would be a sad effort. But it was fast, it happened in real time so I think it was alright.

Michael Richards -- Let the Healing Begin

2006-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

I think we all learned a lesson here.

Don't do gigs at the Laugh Factory. The audiences won't shut the fuck up.

APB - be on the lookout for ...

2006-11-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

This morning my cat, PussPuss, was walking around on my chest trying to wake me up.

She lost her footing on the comforter and slid, catching a claw and leaving a decent-sized scratch on my arm.

"OW!" said I.

"PussPuss!" my wife said.

In my sleepyhead/dreamtime state, I thought to myself
"OHHH! So that WAS PussPuss walking around my chest ... I thought it was Martin Neubarth."

...

I don't know who Martin Neubarth is but evidently he's small enough to walk around on my chest AND he's got a reputation for doing so.

Voodoo practitioner jinxes Bush

2006-11-16T11:21:00.001-08:00

A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and his entourage while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia.

President Bush responded that anybody who believes that sort of superstitious nonsense will get what's coming to them in the Rapture.

Dregulation

2006-11-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

I typed that instead of "deregulation"

Funny how some typos are more accurate than the original

Anniversary gifts

2006-10-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Traditional 9th wedding anniversary gifts have a theme of Pottery and Willow.A contemporary or modern 9th anniversary gifts has a theme of Leather. The flowers associated with the 9th anniversary are Poppies"

... Looks like it's bondage and opium again this year ...

I can't catch a cold

2006-10-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

This is my second week of ALMOST having a cold.

I'm right on the precipice.

The tension is unbearable.

I just want to get this started so I can get over it.

I'm going to go run through the sprinkler and sit by the air conditioner.

Then I'm going to go through the whole building licking doorknobs.

WHAT A NEATO DAY!

2006-10-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Golly, I was here by myself with no direct supervision, so I self-started myself into some branding and I got it done in a timely manner.

Because I worked smarter not harder I got it done even though I'm detail oriented.

...

yeah ... I sent in a resume for a job and never heard from them, part of me thinks they might have seen my email, gone to my web page, followed it to my blog and determined I was too much of an anarchist to hire ...

I suppose I should have a sterilized email just for dayjobby things, but man oh man, if anyone takes the time to google me they're gonna have plenty to chew on, yes those are all me, except for the ones about a lawyer in Minneapolis. That's another guy with my name.

I wonder if my stuff has ever bitten him on the ass? Some HR bimbo at a law office with a printout of all my stuff asking this poor lawyer about all these evil fart jokes and anarchy and nonsense.

There was a guy in my school with the same name as me, spelled slightly different but pronounced the same and he was an insane violent cowboy shitkicker and I was perfectly willing to ride his rep a little insofar as it kept me out of fights and as long as I didn't have to do detention for his shenanigans.

They're probably right not to hire me. I'm a shitload of fun to work with but yeah I'm not going to the holiday party or the team-building weekend. I'm not even going to the pantry for birthday cake.

What's wrong with these people?

2006-10-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe nobody at work wants to have a conversation about my bowel movements.

I'm not the alchemist I used to be

2006-10-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

Every time I try to turn an alembic full of lead into gold, I end up with a tub full of crystal meth.

joke: -1
vocabulary: +1
final score: 0

This week is FLYING by!

2006-10-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it's Monday already?

Star Struck

2006-09-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

... so I was hanging out last night with Bob, you know, Bob Newhart. And Bob said the funniest thing. I said to him, in my Scooby Doo voice, "RI rove rou Rob Rewhart!" And he said, and you gotta picture Bob saying this, he said "Somebody get security." Isnt' that classic?

Ok, actually, last night after work I dashed over to Borders Westwood cuz Bob Newhart was doing a book signing. I had my copy of his book and the album Button Down Mind. The security/publicist dude said "No memorabilia, he's only signing the book." Oh well. Here's how the conversation actually went

ME
Thank you so much Mr. Newhart

Mr. Newhart
Oh you're very welcome.

DANG! Isn't that great?

When the Dogtown and Z-Boys soundtrack came out, Tony Alva did a signing appearance. And I had an actual conversation with Tony Alva. It went like this:

ME
Hey Tony.

TONY ALVA
Hey.

Fuggin A man, can you believe it? AND there was a little riser you had to step up on to and back down off of, AND I did NOT wipe out either time! Did not drool, fart, sputter or fall down in front of Tony Alva OR Bob Newhart.

Since I moved to LA I've graduated the Second City writers program and UCLA Medical Center's EMT program but my real accomplishments were to not fuck up too horrible in front of Mr. Alva or Mr. Newhart.

It really was a buzz. I love that guy. If the vibe was right and I could crack a joke I was gonna say "I loved you in Snakes on a Plane" but it was not to be.

Talking over celeb experiences I recounted how Martin Scorcese filled me with terror, but when Weird Al Yankovic gave me a "dude nod" it filled me with glee.

I have signed books from Bob Newhart and Carl Reiner.

And the thing is, you can go to used bookstores and thrift shops and actually find signed books in the bin for a buck -- Joan Rivers, Charles Grodin and Henry Rollins.

I don't give a flying fuzz about the ebay value of any of these things. I just like these things from people I like. The Joan Rivers book has an additional layer of fun to it in that the inscriptions leads me to believe the signed book was a gift to a personal assistant and the book ended up at the thrift store. Yeah thanks boss.

Oh I also have a Spalding Gray. That makes me sad.

And some martial arts celebs. Glenn Morris -- he passed away this year so that makes me sad too. Also Stephen K. Hayes and Masaaki Hatsumi -- that's kinda huge. Also George Thompson and Viki King just cuz I took classes with them. And this loony woman who taught a remote viewing course.

Oh and I have dvds of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" and "The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters" signed by Ray Dennis Steckler.

Ri rove Rob Rewhart!

Porno Shoot

2006-09-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

There's this guy in my neighborhood who is a "Leather Daddy." He's also an accountant. So now whenever I see a group of guys in assless leather chaps leading other guys around on leashes and stuff, I say "They must be accountants."

So Leather CPA asked Sue if she could arrange to let some friends of his shoot a low budget film in the basement of our building. Later he referred to it as a student film and then he said it's a film with, you know ... guys.

Firstly, Sue is not the owner and has no ability to give anyone permission to do anything on the property. But she felt strangely compelled to let this proceed. I can kinda see her point. I also am pro-film, even if it's not my type of film and pro-sex, even if it's not my type of sex.

But she proceeded to raise some of the concerns I would have also raised. If the entire building was all young, gay party guys you could kinda almost just go with it. But it's not. There are older straight men and old Russian ladies as well as young, single straight women, all of whom could potentially be freaked out by this.

Karen and Sue determined this idea is a non-starter

Good, cuz I can predict with virtual certainty how that would proceed.

Someone, probably a little old Russian lady would see an odd parade of people and equipment going in and out of the laundry room and call the Sheriff's department.

The Sheriff's deputies arrive and ask who they are and what they're doing. First thing they say is that Sue said they could be there.

Sheriffs go to Sue, find she doesn't have authority to give them permission and ...

... this could go a couple different ways from here, but point being, this story goes through a beat where Sheriff's are confronting Sue.

This is a no brainer.

Leather daddy CPA's suggestion was to lock the basement door and tell the residents they couldn't do laundry for two afternoons because it was being repaired.

Nobody would believe that.

If they saw our laundry room full of guys in assless leather chaps they'd be thinking "what are these accountants doing here?"

... glad it's over ...

2006-09-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

The anniversary of the Unpleasantness of 2001 makes me as jumpy as a polecat in a speed-sniffing contest.

Pit Bull

2006-09-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

On my way home last night, there were people in street screaming and shit.

So I pulled over to see if there was anything I could do.

A pit bull had just attacked another dog and everybody was screaming at each other.

Nobody was thowing punches so I didn't have anything to do there.

No humans were hurt so no nothing for me to do medically. The injured dog was being comforted by his human and they were taking him off to the vet. I'm not trained to treat dogs and I wouldn't anyway, not one I don't know.

The woman with the pit bull was not trying to escape/evade responsibility.

Lots and lots of screaming. But ultimately nothing for me to do. So I copped a seat on the hood of my car and waited for the Sheriff's department. Once they arrived, I hit the road.

The woman with the pit bull was screaming "my dog has never done this before."

Well ... yeah he has.

Here' s what I'm saying.

If you're a woman and you want to get a dog for "protection" ...

... just move ... seriously ... just live somewhere else ...

Get a dog for love and companionship.

And if you're a guy who buys a dog for protection, be sure to get a matching purse and lip gloss.

When I see these guys with the pit bulls and the spike collars and shit, I always wonder what kind of man lets the dog do the talking?

Hawk and the Apple

2006-09-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

Speaking of Samuel Jackson.

I went through EMT school with this guy named Hawk.

Coolest guy ever.

First of all, he looks and SOUNDS remarkably like Samuel Jackson.

He's a former paramedic who let his certs slip while he was in school to be a surgical technologist and he was picking up an EMT cert for some reason pertaining to that.

You dig? Samuel Jackson as a paramedic. But he's a REAL paramedic.

I came around the corner once and found Hawk standing under a tree, staring up into the branches and holding an apple. Picture this conversation with Samuel Jackson ... unless you happen to know Hawk, in which case, picture it with Hawk.

ME
Hey Hawk, whatcha doin?

HAWK
I'm looking for a squirrel to give this apple to.

ME
I see.

HAWK
Last week, this squirrel was staring at my apple and I tried to tell him "You don't want this. Squirrels don't like apples." But when I showed it to him, he took it from me and ran up into the branches and ran right into a crow. I guess that crow wanted that apple too.

ME
How did that play out?

HAWK
I don't know. I had to go back in to class. My apple this week is much larger than my apple last week. Last week's apple was pretty small. It was a small apple.

ME
I see. The squirrel could actually hold the apple and climb.

HAWK
I was just about to throw this apple as hard as I can against that wall over there so it would smash up into pieces a squirrel could carry. I wound up and was just about to let this apple fly when a woman walked right in front of that wall. I 'm glad I managed to stop that throw, cuz if I'd hit her ... it would have been hard to explain.