PTWSTSTS: News for People Who Hate News

Best. Show. Ever.

2008-07-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

Finally, the WWII channel has combined my two favorite movies into one stellar television show! I'm already tevo-ing the entire seasons! Plus the electronic paraphernalia is great. Screen savers, desktop backgrounds, myspace skins.

Batman and Travel

2008-07-21T20:05:00.000-05:00

We are briefly back in Mi-leh-wah-kay before we head off to Tejas and Penn's Woods. That said, blogging will be sporadic from me. That also said, Batman was f*cking awesome. I wish I could say more, but I thought it was spectacular. Discuss.

And by hammer, I mean my penis...

2008-07-19T00:18:00.002-05:00

If You Have Not see this yet, meaning Dr. Horrible's sing-along blog, you should. It is only up till midnight on the 20th. Watch it. It is worth it.

Basic Lessons on Satire, Part 3

2008-07-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

Now this is funny

Drunk History Lives!

2008-07-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

After what seemed too good to be true, meaning the drunken narration of an early American historical event to which actors lip-synched... the makers of Drunk History are back. With a vengeance!
In episode 2, Jack Black stars as the bad ass Benjamin Franklin.

Episode 2.5 sees the narrator having vomited a few times, recovering and deciding he wants to tell another Benjamin Franklin story.

Episode 3 brings in the hiccuppy narrator who tells the story of George Washington and his slaves. At this point I'm starting to doubt whether or not the narrator is actually drunk...

Gettin' Your Small Cities On

2008-07-16T14:52:00.000-05:00

In what apparently is a Small Cities-ful week: our boys in the Small Cities were interviewed by Minneapoliscast. In addition, they played an acoustic set for the podcast. I also noticed that they were reviewed in a podcast by Howwastheshow.com. Not enough for you? Those b*tches will be playing a show at the 400 Bar this Saturday.

Dr. Horrible

2008-07-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy and Firefly, has a new musical blog staring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. It is pretty durn funny.

Basic Lessons on Satire, Part 2

2008-07-15T11:08:00.001-05:00

Basic Lessons on Satire

2008-07-15T10:40:00.000-05:00

I won't make this a complaint-fest about why I think the New Yorker is an (obnoxiously) elitist, provincial magazine (that is also filled with some good articles). Instead, I feel we need a basic lesson in satire. Why? Because I had to watch a 15 minute segment on Jim Lehrer in which we had people dissecting the joke made by the New Yorker.
I assume you've seen the joke cover in question and heard the annoying conversation of "is it funny?" will "they (here we mean hicks) get it?" When the Newshour hashes it out, its bound to seem 1000 times less funny. If only they could've gotten Charlie Rose to discuss it (maybe he did, I fell asleep).
All this said, we can consider the basic question: is it funny? Kind of. It's not really that funny. It's mildly ironical, because you see all the stereotypes together, but its ironical in an obnoxious hipster and elitist kind of way. I've written here before about my annoyance with ironic racism. I'm more guilty of ironic homophobia, wherein, I'll say something is "sooo gay" with an ironic smile and it's kind of funny, but not really funny (this is totally different from my valley girl voice, which is very funny). The point is: by throwing in the irony, you're allowed to say basically the same joke, but you turn it on the expense of those who would actually say it: hicks.
The New Yorker would have us believe that this cover is satire, but it's not. Satire is taking an idea and making it a grotesque. Let's go back to school and remember Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal. Swift looks at the very real problem of hunger in Ireland and presents a ridiculous idea of selling Irish babies for food. He does this whilst dismissing proper ideas of amending tax laws. The New Yorker, instead just presents a grouping of stereotypes falsely placed upon the Obamas. It's not satire in the least because we get no proper image, we don't get for example, the entrance of those who might believe these lies in the frame.
And that brings us to "those who might believe these lies." We have to face the fact that there is a sh*tload of not just racism, but xenophobia and good ole fashioned stupidity in our country. I'm sorry, but someone who will not vote for a presidential nominee because they heard that that person was a Muslim and then never bothered to do the pure, basic research to figure out anything worth a damn... those people are plain stupid. Will they get the satire? Obviously not. Why the f*ck would they read New Yorker?
So who is the satire aimed at? It is (like most New Yorker material) aimed at provincial New Yorkers who want to pat themselves on the back because they're not racist like all those other non-elites. And so they can lump together a group of stereotypes and say, "we didn't think of this, those hick racists did!" and then feel better about themselves. The cover isn't satire, nor is it funny... it's just dumb.

Jurassic Park

2008-07-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

I love Jeff "freaking" Goldblum.

Dictator Refuses to Shave Improper Mustache

2008-07-12T01:12:00.002-05:00

Harare, Zimbabwe-- Incumbent dictatorial President Robert Mugabe has sworn to his loyal voters that no matter what sanctions the UN decides to impose on Zimbabwe he will not shave his Hitler stash. In a rare interview given to the BBC Mugabe stated: "The UN council has no authority over me. Let them threaten me all they want. My main campaign promise to the loving people of Zimbabwe was that I will not shave this mustache until all white settlers, i.e. Jews, have left this land. The people in this election have spoken, except for the ones whose tongues I had cut out, and have made it known that they want me to lead them for the next 43 years. The UN should be glad I rejected the Castro beard and the Stalin stash. They are, after all, symbols of anti-capitalism. Let me reiterate that I am for capital, capital dictatorial mustaches that is."
The President of the UN, H.E. Srgjan Kerim, replied with this written statement: "Mugabe has shown himself to be resistant to all forms of reason. He even eluded a special ops force armed with Gillete's Mach 6 technology. There maybe only one way to stop this man's blatant disregard for mustache etiquette the return of the Bismarck."

The Bismarck is named after Otto von Bismarck, the Prussian ruler of the late 19th century.

It was brought briefly into fashion in the United States by former president Grover Cleveland.

As you notice from the picture Cleveland opted to tone down the Bismarck a bit after it was discovered that he was quite the ladies man fathering a child out of wedlock.

Too Soon?

2008-07-11T11:48:00.000-05:00

Even Crazy Regimes Can Photoshop!

2008-07-10T10:15:00.001-05:00

Are you frustrated by all these technologies? Confused about how to doctor photographs? Are you an autocrat with a penchant for hating the Jews and America and want to show your militaristic resolve by firing off some missiles, but just don't have enough missiles to send the right message?
Don't worry! Photoshop is so easy, even Kim Jong Il can do it! Listen Achme, Achmedi.... can I call you Jad? Listen, Jad, you're firing off a couple of missiles this week to give a sacre to the West and get them thinking... "Hey, we're crazy enough to attack a super-crazy group of Middle Easterners and start yet another war, but do we really want to fight an army that has, gulp, missiles?" Then all you need to do is shoot those missiles off, one or two will suffice, snap a photo and we'll do some computer magic and voila you've got a whole crapload of missiles!
You see how easy photoshop can be, Jad? That's right, in no time you'll be putting your favorite politicians' heads on the bodies of sexy, scantily clad babes and you can forward it to all your buddies in the revolutionary guard. Photoshop fun!

Worst Bond Ever

2008-07-09T18:24:00.005-05:00

There was a conversation going on last weekend about who would make the worst Bond actor ever. I'm starting to compile the list, but forget most of those mentioned due to the b*tchin' stilton burger that I was absolutely freaking about.
Among the top candidates for worst Bond ever were:
Steve Buscemi
Richard Karn (Al from Home Improvement)
Pauly Shore
Ok, I actually forget the rest, so we can update this as more get put in the comments.

the winner so far is:
Clint Howard
I'd like to add a new category:
Worst Bond Girl:
Fran Drescher

Big Al- New Category:
Worst Bond Girl Name:
Teethjina Punchyournutsove

U.S. Tries to Stimulate Economy, but Can't Find It

2008-07-06T11:47:00.001-05:00

Washington, D.C.-- Appearing together in a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush and Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, sought to reassure Americans that they are doing everything they can to stimulate the apathetic economy. Critics however, have noted the administration's increasing inability to live up to economic expectations and have wondered in recent weeks whether or not it would be able to stimulate the economy at all.
Speaking to his critics on Friday, President Bush said, "We are doing everything we can to arouse the economy, but the American people aren't helping any." Bush added that the administration might have more success if the American economy would give some feedback.
Bernanke spoke to increasing speculation that the source for economic excitement is mythical. "We've tried everything, but the American economy is just frigid."
One recently unemployed consultant, Janet Richardson, responded to Bernanke's comments with disdain. "Perhaps the administration would have an easier time stimulating the economy if they listened to our needs more." She also expressed frustration that the Washington officials were too quick to directly approach the source of economic sensitivity. "We need to see a concerted effort on the part of Washington to ease into their economic plans, spending time warming up the American public rather than jumping right in."
President Bush also responded to criticism of the size of his economic stimulation package. "Everyone in America knows that it is not the size of the economic stimulation package, but how you use it," continuing on to detail plans to focus on Wall Street.
Ms. Richardson laughed off Bush's comments saying, "Right. If the administration wants to think that their package is big enough to do the job, then they can go right ahead."

Happy Fourth

2008-07-04T18:56:00.000-05:00

Just Think, 233 Years ago (Lexington and Concord was in 1775) a bunch of smugglers, rogues, and hooligans got together and decided they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. So, they started a War of Colonial Aggression against the reigning superpower of the day and kicked their ass. In honor of these founders of our fine country, yes our country is great most of the time, go eat charred meat, drink beer, don't drive, watch fireworks, eat cake, and have fun. Happy Fourth from the Panda's guys.

Redux

2008-07-03T16:44:00.000-05:00

Why did I post another review of the Small Cities? Well, how about the silly fact that JDM posted his review, copying directly from Pitchfork's review of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot as a joke. It was funny... only a week later when we actually realized what he'd done. He forgot the key of internet joking: the joke only works if people realize its a joke. Oh well. It was about time I put in writing why it's such a fantastic EP.

I Heard Me Some The Small Cities

2008-07-03T15:45:00.000-05:00

"There's no replacing you." While no one would ever accuse The Small Cities of writing pop frippery, that doesn't mean they're beating the sad-bastard drum or crying into amazingly groomed manicures. Rather, their eponymous debut EP is a short look into the eyes of small town kids growing up in a new urban setting. This, of course, could describe just about any band coming from the last 20 years of Indie music. The current sound scape is littered with suburban kids who grew up on their dad's vinyls and have something clever to say. But whereas most of Indie's 5 minute superstars give us irony turned up to 11, unquenchable melancholy, or pop-music's greatest export: self-indulgent break-up songs, The Small Cities give us something far more subtle, something, well, smaller.
The lead-off track This City provides its own music video script: the singer wakes to an alarm clock, alone. "Oh God," you think, "it's a break up song." The opening chords even seem to follow the languid mood of (gulp) Coldplay's Trouble. Thankfully, lead singer, Leif Bjornson, intones with an unaffected, yet melancholic, voice the likes of which David Bazan dreams of. It's a voice that will at least keep you attentive until you're fully convinced that this is more than dime store indie fluff. The song lulls its listeners into a steady rocking back and forth to it's slow 6/8 time until Bjorson starts his steady repetition of "There's no replacing you" over the eerie Radiohead-esque backing vocals. From here, the guitars pull into a fervor and you'd swear (in only the best way) that you've got Thom Yorke buzzing over a "She's So Heavy" guitar riff. Try that one, Chris Martin.
Likewise, "Fargo" could strike its first listeners with an air of familiarity. It's melody is infectious and hides the violence and menace (albeit youthful) beneath. Bjornson moves us through the nostalgic stories of summers spent up north. Hidden in those stories is the listener's realization, not the narrator's, of the pain youthful innocence can cause. While the narrator sings "Over time those days are shining," the listener sees them as something a bit more disturbing: "When you got that gun, you'd shoot at birds in the grapevines behind your house, on the day we shot one, I ran back crying to my home, I could not say what I'd done." It's subtle and not often found in a pop tune, but we get to see the singer reveal himself without his own knowledge and it's song-craft like that, which sets The Small Cities apart. It's like, you know, Ford Maddox Ford if he were a pop song and... not such an assh*le.
"Trust Me, I'm Not a Stalker" exposes the other part of The Small Cities that we should recognize and that's a steady dose of musicianship. Jimmy Osterholt's bass parts reveal a talent that has to deal with a conflict: rock and roll isn't the most welcoming environment to complex bass parts. And yet, he sets down a musical layer that is almost mathematical in its precision and complexity. Over top of this David Osborn's drums do what they do best and that is use straight second and fourth snare beats to make a funk even funkier. The Small Cities EP is an experiment in dueling craftsmanship and restrained musicianship. On "Trust Me" there is a chance that the parts will take us off into the realm of unrestrained and melodramatic territory inhabited by the likes of Muse (sorry Muse fans). However, a constant eye on keeping true to a straight-forward rock 'n' roll root takes it to a simple brilliance unmined by other bands.
Finally, The Small Cities give us a ballad, er sort of. If someone called "I'm Gone" a real ballad, they'd be in the wrong world, unless the type of ballad we're looking for is Radiohead's "Motion Picture Soundtrack." Like the Radiohead track, "I'm Gone" is heavenly, serene, held up by a thick organ and tinsel guitars (that's about the extent of the similarity). Osborn's voice (which also took lead on "Trust Me") is innocent and trembles where Bjornson's almost croons. When he sings, "There's a hole in my heart where you stand," you think, 'Hot sh*t, that's a line.' "I'm Gone" gives us just enough straight-seved longing couched in a storyline to which we can only guess: "What to do with a space in the bed." What sets the song out is not it's wonderfully terse lyrics or its unabashedly pretty melody, but its level of restraint. The Small Cities don't bend to the regular rock pressure to build up a melody, throw in thick drums and some heavy guitars. They build intensity, sure, but they do so through the steady and haunting repetition: "I'm gone!" And where we constantly expect them to pull out the trump card and give us the epic ending to which Coldplay or even The Arcade Fire have made us so accustomed, they sing it one more time and fade away.
MPLS' City Pages said it best when they lamented: "There's only one problem with the Small Cities's debut EP: It's four tracks long." The Twin Cities has long been known for fostering well-crafted song writing. It's about time the Twin Cities got Indie without the self-indulgent trappings and with some good ole fashion b*tchin' songs.

Oklahoma?

2008-07-02T23:08:00.000-05:00

Maybe I just don't understand how franchises work. In fact, I'm sure I don't understand how that works. The Seattle Supersonics are moving to... Oklahoma City. Seriously, I don't get it. Is it for the money? You might say, obviously it's for the money, but it's not obvious to me. How can you possibly convince me that Oklahoma will bring in a bigger viewership than Seattle? Isn't this like dating the really cute girl in high school who likes poetry (but not too much) and wears glasses for your cousin, who is ugly and a hick?

What Made Milwaukee Famous

2008-07-02T10:24:00.000-05:00

Schlitz is back. They brought back ye ole Schlitz recipe and apparently its selling out.

Best. Headline. Ever.

2008-07-02T10:08:00.000-05:00

From the Guardian:

Gay hoping for another scorcher at London Grand Prix

I Saw Me Some Be Kind Rewind

2008-07-01T12:46:00.001-05:00

In both Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep, Michel Gondry creates new worlds of ecstatic joy and pleasure. While such a comment might sounds strange considering that both movies are about breakups and failed love this is exactly the genius of Gondry. In movies full of sadness and failure Gondry finds that the joy of past love still resonates and is reason for the hope that joy may again be found in the future. For Gondry the past exists as a separate world from which we can draw rays of nostalgic hope while never letting our failures determine our life course.

Unfortunately, Be Kind Rewind misses a golden opportunity to apply Gondry’s philosophy of time to the movies. Instead of drawing out the memories of specific film experiences that enlighten even the darkest moments of the present he simply mines the past for camp and caricature. The potential of Mos Def and Jack Black remaking past movies seems boundless but Gondry firmly binds both actors to a script that is overly sentimental while being heartless, expository while remaining pointless, nostalgic while deconstructing the myth of the past.

While some of the parodies of movies are funny, Gondry only gives short glimpses of them. He is too focused on the plot of his film which, in fact, has nothing to do with movies or with saving the past but making up ones own version of the past to buoy one as he or she heads to a depressing future without hope. This is the most depressing element of the film. While Gondry’s other pictures find hope in past failures, there is no hope in Be Kind Rewind. In the end, the whole town comes together but it doesn’t matter. Their fanciful reconstruction of the past through film changes nothing. The movie closes with placid smiling faces but once the credits roll and the lights come up no one, not the characters nor the audience, is left with even a grin on their faces.

I give the film 2 pandas wishing they were in Cinema Paradiso.

I Saw Me Some Harakiri

2008-07-01T11:58:00.004-05:00

Even thoug Be Kind Rewind disappointed, the last two days were not a loss for movie viewing. I have been on a samurai kick recently. While I have seen most of Akira Kurasawa’s films during a retrospective at the Oak Street Cinema, I have not explored most of the other classic samurai films of the 1950s and 1960s. I started by watching Hiroshi Inagaki's samurai trilogy which culminates in Duel at Ganryu Island with a duel on the beach settled in one lightning quick sword thrust.

I am now going through Masaki Kobayashi’s films. Kwaidan is built from four short ghost stories and is extremely creepy. In this 1965 Cannes winner you can see the genesis of modern Japanese horror. But, of all the samurai films I have watched in my life nothing touches Harakiri. (not even Seven Samurai, sorry czf). Following the collapse of his clan, unemployed samurai Tsugumo arrives at the manor of Lord Iyi, begging to commit ritual suicide on his property. Iyi's clansmen, believing the desperate ronin is merely angling for charity, try to force him to eviscerate himself. They tell him the story of a fellow warrior of Tsugumo who came to them asking to commit harakiri but looking only for a handout. They called his bluff and the disgraceful samurai was forced to disembowel himself with a bamboo sword. The story, told mostly in flashback as Tsugumo sits in the middle of the courtyard, is one of desperation and bloody revenge.

The film turns out to be an anti-samurai film, exposing the empty honor and false martial airs already present at the beginning of the samurai period. If one were to compare it to an American western, this would be the Japanese Unforgiven. Never before have I seen such a violent and bloody samurai film. Photographed in black and white it uses the liquid black of blood to a degree comparable only with Psycho and Raging Bull. As the story unfolds and Tsugumo’s plan for revenge becomes clear, the views sympathies completely shift. Characters that were despicable become honored and those with power are shown to be hollow suits.

For precisely composed cinematic poetry, clean and unassailable narrative, a scathing denunciations of authority, and a cold acknowledgement of authority’s endurance Harakiri knows no peers. I recommend everybody add this film to their Netflix queue and award it 5 samurai pandas choosing the honorable death of harakiri.

Lazer Burgerz

2008-07-01T11:15:00.000-05:00

It's about time I started working on this. By this, I mean, my legacy to the world. Many of you know about my ambitious plans to create a fast-food restaurant based on cooking a 1/4 lb. beef of patty with a beam of pure energy. Some of you laughed. Others salivated in anticipation. Well, folks, I'm going to do it.
Now, I can't quite open the restaurant, because we have not yet invented a lazer that can cook a patty of beef. However, we can start the important part: branding. In the coming weeks, I'm going to start the website and get the t-shirts ready. The most important part is the logo. I've worked up a first attempt. This logo will go on the front of a t-shirt and on the back will be: "My burger was cooked with a beam of pure energy" which is a quote from the first commercial that has not yet been recorded.
So... who's with me? Who wants in on the ground floor. Mind you, it may take 30-50 years to invent a lazer beam that will appropriately cook a patty of juicy beef. But that doesn't mean we can't sell t-shirts in the meanwhile, right?

Wind Power!

2008-07-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

One of Lyd's students brought her this brochure from a alternative energy fair that he went to. I was looking over it and something seemed off. There were no actual pictures from this company's brochure or its website that have actual pictures of a wind turbine. To be fair, on their website, they do have pictures that customers have sent in of their turbines at home. However, what's weird is that all of the corporate images are just nice pastoral pictures with a computer generated turbine photoshopped in. These examples are small, but you'll get the point. Here is Mr. Turbine at his beautiful mountain home!
And here he is boating on Lake Saranac!
I thought that I would give it a try too, to see if I could find any pictures I had of Mr. Turbine.
Here he is, energetically kissing a nurse when he came back from the war!
And here's Mr. Turbine in his meeting with President Bush!