Pogoing Nowhere

2008-09-07T02:15:00.000-04:00

does he only come in a Volvo?

2008-09-07T00:36:00.002-04:00

back where the cars decide
where the lame star limps an endless mile
have i gone too far inside my mind

oh if you were the one, would i even notice now my mind has gone?

see the people sitting over there

2008-07-15T21:51:00.004-04:00

i want to kiss and touch them everywhere

things that once (and for a long time) seemed difficult come extraordinarily easily now. i've had an enormous amount of time to think about what i want in my life, currently, and what i could deal with keeping in the future. i wouldn't call what i did "making decisions", but rather letting things happen as they should. i've disposed of much, and of many, and because it makes the most sense in the world, i'm not sad. it's a new city, a different atmosphere in my life all around, and i need to be free of negativity, of judgmental minds, of people i cannot count on for anything. as it turns out, you don't need anyone's approval to get closure. you don't need "a big talk", you don't need to argue, and you certainly don't need their permission. too seldom have i taken advantage of my basic right, as a human being, to not call asshole "friend", or anything of the sort.

i'd rather spend my time marveling, and satisfying my every curiosity. this thing, this...this...insanity that is another human being that fits so perfectly, in my mind, in my heart, in and around my body...who smells like flora right out of God's backyard...who knows what to do and say even following my silence...whose shameless vulnerability makes him a superhero...whose confidence in me makes me doubt myself less and less...whose warm breath on my back i cannot sleep without...whose genuine interest in everything rivals and may exceed my own .........................who comes skipping down to my fortress and with a flick of his fingers, shatters every brick. and i emerge like a sleepy drunkard, and we leave skipping off like the past many years have taught us nothing. but they taught us everything. everything we needed to know up to now, AND THANK YOU, i suppose, all you assholes. i let him pass me by years ago, because i hadn't suffered enough, and it wasn't our time. i had a bit of time to gussy up my soul enough, to be good enough, and now i am.

lovely lovely lovely.
love love love .
you. you. you.

hopelessly, endlessly

2008-07-03T12:27:00.003-04:00

missing's never felt so bad, yet so good at the same time. just knowing someone (not just anyone) is there, exists and fits so perfectly should be enough. i have to remember this and not be so selfish.

But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

d'avoir tant d'envies, moi j'ai un souffle au coeur

2008-05-23T21:55:00.004-04:00

Oh philosophie
Dis-moi des élégies

sometimes, just sometimes, when i read some people's blogs, or Facebook/Myspace profiles, i see some things people write SUPPOSEDLY about themselves. clusterfuck mash-ups of contradicting clichés (often poorly written or even mis-spelled), and i want to comment, publicly, "YOU'RE FOOLIN' A WHOLE LOTTA NO ONE". like little children, reading the back sleeves of books, and claiming to have read them, using words they know not the meanings of, sloganeering things they might have heard their parents say... and for what? what does "seeming cool" entail? gaining credibility? from whom? so someone will fuck you? so some internet celebritard might think you're worth their time? stop taking pictures at those angles, we can tell if you're fat.

that's mean, i know.

but FAKING IT really boils my lobster.

A moitié pleine est l'amphore
C'est à moitié vide
Qu'on la voit sans effort

me me me.
my life's on hold. the verdict is pending on my fate. i should spend the waiting hours in a bubble bath, but life refuses to work that way. instead i crack my knuckles, repeatedly blink moisture back onto my eyes, grind my teeth because i'm back on coffee, question all the food that goes into my mouth, and wonder if i'll ever have enough money to upgrade my childish wardrobe. well, no, i do far more than that, i also daydream about my upcoming vacation, nightdream of sex, push pencils around ditzy harpies and assault my sense of compassion into becoming a vegetarian. in between said activities, i actively dream, day and night, of a better life. i imagine it full of literal sunshine. and puppies. lots and lots of puppies.

A moitié pleine est l'amphore
C'est à moitié vide
Que je la vois encore

i've not earned any of that yet.
in the meantime, however, i could do with sex.
call me.

am i joking? are you?

2008-05-20T11:46:00.002-04:00

i've been lost i've been found i've been fooling around

2008-05-20T00:05:00.002-04:00

I've been hold, I've been told, I've been changing my mind.

throughout the day, i'd swear i have a lot to say, but when i sit down to think i'm gonna write, i feel too tired. I MUST PUSH ON, and update my gibberish a little more often, even if it is just that.

i learned today that Sweden is the new Japan.

i'm also trying to un-learn some other shit. my outlook on most things, i reckon, will continue to be cynical, perhaps even mockingly so, but i'm trying to be fair. struggling to be, even. i believe that those who think that unrelated people in their lives may be conspiring to play cruel jokes on them...those people are generally referred to as paranoid schizophrenics. WHICH I AM NOT. i'm used to things and people being a certain way, maybe, and if something or someone displays even the slightest bit of awesomeness, i'm all THIS DOES NOT ADD UP.

if this is called living, well don't count me in
sure I feel alive, but it doesn't mean a thing, no nothing.

the chain of events when my heart peeks out of the iron bars, goes thusly:

WHEEE? ----- hrrrmmm ----- o rly? :) ----- O_o ------ *goes back in and triple locks the door.

but! terrorized heart be damned, i'm entirely too curious.
i'm gonna kill this cat.

i hate you Jimmy

2008-05-02T21:25:00.004-04:00

Dear Chris,

to love me is to love this. among all the other things i keep saying are my "favorites". i'll admit to loving too much.

so rufus

2008-04-24T16:24:00.004-04:00

mutedequilibrium: So I've decided to make up a new word
mutedequilibrium: It applies when you do something awesome
me: ok, bring it
mutedequilibrium: I'll tell you the next time its appliccable
me: oh
me: um
me: lemme think of something awesome then
me: I TOTALLY TOOK IN 6 COCKS AT A TIME?
mutedequilibrium: LOL
mutedequilibrium: Lies!
me: GIVE IT THE NEW WORD PLEASE
mutedequilibrium: KENZATIONAL
me: oh that's gooooood

YESSAH MA'SSAH

2008-04-22T11:41:00.002-04:00

Karloff urges me to post! he even asked me backwards, so he clearly means business!

My days are filled with serious business. is this right? serious business is a relative term. it's RELATIVELY serious to those i work with. it's not real life, though, is it? work, i mean? my work days are strung together by sleep, and their foundation consists of my daydreams of other places. of vacations and "when i'm famous for doing something good". my life is never 9-6 for too long, it doesn't suit me at all. it's not 2 weeks of vacation a year, or caring about being liked or respected.

all of the serious conversations i have are in my head. i'm losing the ability to express myself in a manner that makes me feel like i'm getting my point across. it makes me question whether i even have a point anymore...but really, you quickly get used to dumbing yourself down. not that i want to be understood, necessarily, but because speaking in the manner i deem fit makes people SOMEHOW THINK that i'm being arrogant. i reckon it's not my fault they didn't bother finishing high school.

i have to do something drastic.
i'm open to suggestions, but so stubborn i'll end up doing what i want to do, regardless of how irresponsible it may be.

start your day right with an absent sense of alacrity

2008-03-17T10:46:00.003-04:00

hi! i'm K. you'll know me as the loser who lost her cell phone and might have smashed it to pieces when it flew out of her bag as she ran to catch the monday morning bus.

EDIT: i called it and some nice lady picked it up off the street and is keeping it safe until i get it tonight.

JUST SAYIN' THOUGH.

hope.

2008-03-05T19:54:00.003-05:00

reference

2008-02-17T02:18:00.000-05:00

insomnia cured: check.

now...summer plx!

a post about the weather. i feel so diminished.

2008-02-12T20:49:00.000-05:00

winter is a horrible and cruel place.

i'm someone who likes to walk. i also like to take my time. not in a lazy way, but in an appreciative way. sometimes a methodical way.

i started my new (hopefully soon-to-be) awesome job yesterday. my office is little, but it's mine. the lights are shitty, but i'll get a lamp. i wake up at 6:30am, out the door an hour later, arrive for a little before 9am, and get home at 7:30pm. the bus...an hour each way. i read on the bus, i finish books quickly. this suits me just fine....AS LONG AS THE WEATHER IS TOLERABLE $*_$@*&!)&##^

yesterday and today, Ottawa suffered MINUS FUCKING 30 WEATHER. before you go on about how we have worse than that, and that i should be used to it by now, let me inform you that i, perhaps unlike you, am a human being. human beings are not and should not be made for this weather. vanity aside (skin getting rough, rosacea leaving its marks, capillary veins bursting), i don't appreciate starting my day with the waiting at the bus stop and the 15 minute walk from the station to work freezing my legs til they burn, snots flying everywhere if i don't hold a kleenex to my nose, and...hahah, the weeklong headache from a mere 5 minutes of the wind pounding my forehead (which is actually wearing a winter hat). i'm fucked off and i've had it.

i know that once spring comes around, it'll be nice to take my time to and from work, stopping in shops, getting bubble tea, or whatever. but i'm fucking miserable and feel completely trapped.
so.
i decree this to be my last winter here, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
Canadians reading this (anyone? anyone?) will remember our middle-school history classes, where we learned about how during WW1, they offered ten acres of land to any European family willing to move to Canada to populate this ridiculous large landmass....a land mostly covered with tundra and made of icicle sticks. THEY HAD TO BRIBE PEOPLE TO LIVE HERE. fucking suckers fell for it, and are still not done sorting it out.

remember "The Saint"? that horrible Val Kilmer spy movie, where they were fighting over the secret to "cold fusion"? THAT MOVIE WAS MADE LIKE 15 YEARS AGO, WHY HASN'T THAT TECHNOLOGY BEEN DEVELOPED IN REAL LIFE?

i don't want to spend my lunchtime in the office kitchen with the others. i wanna be outside :(
banish winter.
join the resistance.
i'll start with a petition.

pest pile pirus

2008-01-25T01:56:00.000-05:00

1/24/2008 10:14:20 AM Kenza awww sup fro
1/24/2008 10:14:26 AM Kenza what kind of sick?
1/24/2008 10:15:29 AM Tony lung death...
1/24/2008 10:15:37 AM Kenza bronchitis?
1/24/2008 10:16:16 AM Tony or the evil p word.....
1/24/2008 10:16:33 AM Kenza p word...hrmmm....um...pronchitis?
1/24/2008 10:16:48 AM Kenza pird flu?
1/24/2008 10:16:53 AM Kenza pancer?
1/24/2008 10:16:57 AM Kenza PIV?

1/24/2008 10:27:26 AM Kenza PNEUMONIA

(i added the space to emphasize the 10.5 minute pause between my fucking around and actually realizing what he was talking about.....)

on that note, gnight?

we only have august

2008-01-25T01:42:00.000-05:00

/22/2008	6:30:48 PM	Kenza	i'll come by work tomorrow! or something. lemme know what time you work, and txt me if you need to talk about heath ledger, post-partum crush fan club. omg, gay cowboy why
1/22/2008	6:31:11 PM	Kaitlin	lol
1/22/2008	6:31:12 PM	Kaitlin	LOL
1/22/2008	6:31:14 PM	Kaitlin	UM
1/22/2008	6:31:17 PM	Kaitlin	CAN YOU POST THAT QUOTE ON YOUR JOURNAL
1/22/2008	6:31:19 PM	Kaitlin	SERIOUSLY?

(Kait was having a hard time with death being all around, so i tried to bring the lolz and succeeded. i wanted to document this moment on my BLOG, and i'll resume my whining tomorrow)

and i believe this is verbatim....

2007-12-27T03:07:00.000-05:00

i forgot i wrote it. and i noticed it was on the 20th, but that has to be a lie. it feels like weeks ago.
in case you're keeping tabs, i miss my helpers much much. this sleeping ailment is the absolute worst thing that's ever happened to me, hands down. and i think if anyone truly knows what insomnia is (not the namby-pamby "ooh, i haven't slept more than 6 hours all week/been up all night thinking *wank wank" shit), we could relate over a glass of caffeine-free cola. my first z "last night" came at little past 7am. and it didn't exactly last an eternity.

but it comes, and it goes. and it returns, like the proverbial...well, perhaps not as much proverbial as r. brand-created....nightly dark sprite that prods you as you're ready for a rest, regaling in reminding you of the things you need to feel ashamed over, in an effort to keep you up all night kicking the covers. i'm ashamed of nothing, though, save for a terrible hairstyle circa 1998. i didn't know pink turned to orange if you washed your hair with Finesse.

perhaps my ramblings will be found more insightful to read once i've sorted myself out. i'm gonna try something new tonight, and if i live to tell about it, well...i might tell?

g'day. night.

this shit makes me emotional and forgiving and needing a hug, i reckon. c'mere! wait. i mean, not just anyone, yknow?

2007-12-20T03:07:00.001-05:00

sometimes words are best thing we can give to other people.
that's what the stranger at the bus stop told Bette when she escaped from the silent buddhist retreat.

i've returned to my archives of faithful L-Word. which was going great, i gained more insight and everything. yeah yeah, from a tv show, go eff yourselves. but. i paused it 'cause i know this is the episode where Dana dies at the end, and Alice....god, Alice, in the hospital hallway, with the "you are my sunshine" flower and its incessant singing. it's too effective in breaking my heart. again.

but everything comes to an end. like this batch of sleeping aids that i gluttonously polished off, for the promise of one last baby's slumber before the next excruciating visit to the doctor's. excruciating...is me being a puss-puss who doesn't like answering so many questions. i will continue answering them the same. i might be an addict, with these shits anyways. i stopped taking them in september because they were making me forget. and for someone who would actually, no melodrama-intended, rather DIE than get stuck with Alzheimer's, i'm clearly pretty foolish. i get a new batch, and we look at each other for a few nights. like a staring duel. i say, "pppffff, i don't need you, you gloriously blue and deceptively small little....powdered solid of...WELL-DESERVED REST, FUCK YOU, COME BACK TO ME!" halfway through the bottle, regret and fear set in. "whattamy doin!" i test my sleepiness. can i do it without you tonight? i can if i'm sleeping with someone else. or with my dog. someone/something else's breathing relaxes me.

then later on, i see i have half the thing left. i can dabble. if it's 3am and i can't sleep, 5am will be too late to take them, unless i wanna sleep until 1! i got shit to do tomorrow, i'll just take it. until they're done.

they're done.
they are............done!

pardon my erratic disclosure, i'm a bit off the rails right now. and i can't even TELL if i've made typos, and i sure as shit am not re-reading this.

this.

i was only going to discuss the L-Word. i gotta go, Dana's gonna die in 40 minutes. will i still be awake?

what doyou think? will i delete this post tomorrow? i should leave it, to keep myself honest.

troublesome thought: i'll totally FORGET i wrote it.

i found my calling

2007-12-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

Kenza:
OH PS SO DID YOU SEE THAT HOSTEL 2 GARBAGE DUMP?

jairus: not yet

Kenza: ugggggggggggggh

jairus: bad?

Kenza: i liked it as much as i liked secretary.

jairus: heh
that good

Kenza: wait no
ok
i liked it as much as i like storytelling
pew pew pew

WAIT
i liked it as much as i would have liked storytelling if it had starred Ann Coulter!
!!!!!

jairus: oh snap

Kenza: i should start writing reviews

jairus: you should

that cunt De Fretais

2007-12-05T01:55:00.000-05:00

end of the book. they're half-brothers. called it halfway through.

boo.

also, irvine welsh, if you ever read this....i plead. whenever you think some random inappropriate lewd acts of...uh...lewdness need to pop up here and there in your books...please... no, keep it to a minimum. the gobbing of phlegm in blistering vaginas covered in shit are a bit much. thanks. i love you otherwise.

you* know who you are

2007-11-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

i had a dream you died, and it sucked. it totally fucked with me, filled me with confusing regret.

i used to conduct myself with people as though they could die at any moment. i decided at some point it wasn't healthy for me, and made me a bit of a sucker.

the feelings leftover from dreams fade sometime throughout the day, usually. i'll get on and see what happens.

eurotrash

2007-11-28T19:05:00.000-05:00

the last time i had 2 jobs, i was annoyed at the lack of alone time. i started reading fiction again not long ago, and funnily enough, my main concern is that i won't have time to read it as much. i'm in the middle of the last irvine welsh, and am really wondering how he's gonna pull off danny skinner and brian kibby's connections without resorting to supernatural explanations. he's never done that, i don't want him to. i wonder if i should be on drugs reading it, as to not miss out on what he's really trying to do with this book. i almost dread another 'marabou stork nightmares' ending, where he just destroys my world in the last 3 pages, leaving me clutching my stomach for days in an attempt to recover.

we'll see.
i haven't been excited over a book like this in years.

i'll trade you one fallopian tube for all the morphine in the world

2007-11-16T01:26:00.000-05:00

i picture my body broken up in little people, thousands of them, marching together in protest. en révolte. one batallion in my lower abdomen, another behind my eyes, lodged in my skull. they likely have pitchforks, because i feel them stabbing up there. 1200mg of ibuprofen was met with laughter, if i were crazier, i'd hear it. in between uproars, i long for the day when i haven't much to worry about, and i can spend cold dark afternoons hiding under a duvet, stealing my lover's warmth [with every intention of returning it somehow], with the window wide open, defeating all purposes but the one to have a reason for us to remain in bed. and unleashing auditory assaults on the neighbors and schoolchildren.

but tonight, i remain in my personal space. for no other reason than to keep the casualty count to a minimum once my head explodes. part of me (ok, the whiny baby part) wishes i had someone looking after me, with special magic abilities to end my pain. it will cease throbbing eventually. and once it does, perhaps we can devise a plan to do what we want, regardless of consequence....credit bureaus, haters, employers, the government! somber winter days, bedtime forever! hot chocolate and whiskey, sex and massages, bite marks and scratch wounds!

i'm really fucking cold.

Mark 5:22

2007-11-10T02:11:00.001-05:00

i have such admiration for my friend Jai, i wish i could express it to him in a manner fitting his greatness. i don't know many people willing to stick by their morals so loyally, regardless of whatever inconvenience and heartache it may cause them. it's a quality i much wish to obtain, unwavering. such nobility, it's unreal.

perhaps you'll eventually read this, bro from another ho, i love you so so so much.
you jerk.

addendum to last post

2007-11-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

k, i found my balls and tried watching it.
............

40 seconds long, i only managed 10 of those. Tom watched the whole thing, the sick fuck@!@!#@$(_$*%$*@$%*

don't do what i did.
stay pure.

love,
Kenza