Jacksonville Events

Club Paris Event Calendar - August

2007-07-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

We've got the scoop on the upcoming events calendar for Jacksonville's hottest club spot, Club Paris! Club Paris is Jacksonville's first world-class club and has finally brought a night life to the River City that allows us to be placed at the end of a long list of the wildest party cities in the world including New York, Paris, Miami, Tokyo, Milan, Moscow, Hong Kong, Dubai, Edinburgh, Indianapolis, Port-au-Prince, Islamabad, Tashkent, Monrovia, Gaza City and many, many others.

One Hot Party
August 1-5, 2007
And you thought you knew how to have a hot party? The girls from the Shands Jacksonville Burn Ward have all got new skin grafts and IV drips to ensure they stay well-hydrated and able to party all night long! They're going to heat it up like you won't believe, because these severe burn victims are desperate for human contact! Hosted by special guest emcee Vern Troyer aka Mini-Me from the Austin Powers movies!

Soup du Jour
August 6-10, 2007
This can of soup was featured in LC's kitchen pantry throughout the first season of MTV's hot reality series Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County! It's a delicious organic tomato bisque, just the sort of soup eaten by the wealthy and sophisticated residents of The O.C. and it's been touring the hottest party spots across the country until it ended up here in Jacksonville. Be there Friday night, August 10th when the can of soup will complete its journey and be opened and heated to over 300 degrees Fahrenheit before being fed to special guest celebrity Vern Troyer aka Mini-Me! Now that's really hot!

A Tall Order
August 11-17, 2007
It's a match made in heaven when the tallest man from Maine hits the hottest club spot in Jacksonville. Paul Gervais is 6'9" tall but you'd never know it when you see how low he gets on that dance floor! If you're taller than Paul, you get in free! And make sure you get there before 11 PM when a special mystery guest will stand directly next to Paul for 30 minutes straight. You've never seen someone so short stand next to someone so tall in your life. It's hot!

Pump Up The Bass
August 18-20, 2007
He's the badboy of bass fishing, Michael "Ike" Iaconelli, the 2003 CITGO Bassmasters Champion was described by GQ magazine as "America's biggest basshole," and he'll be partying all weekend long at Club Paris! He's the Happy Gilmore of bass fishing and he's going to bring his badboy party attitude to Jacksonville and help turn up the heat. Be there as Mike and special guest angler Vern Troyer (Mini-Me) perform some hilarious bass fishing-themed improv skits with suggestions from the audience! Just don't get caught in this rebel's wake! It's hot!

Celebrity Ex-Perience
August 21-24, 2007
Get ready for an emotional rollercoaster as you party with three of hot celebrity Casey Affleck's ex-girlfriends all night long! All three of these girls dated the Ocean's 13 superstar Casey Affleck and all three of them have been abused emotionally and physically! Ladies, enjoy free margaritas if you listen supportively as Denise, Sequoia and Rachel recount their shared experiences of being caught up in a world of drug abuse, shattered promises and emotional domination at the hands of a real celebrity. Be sure to stick around because at midnight we're going to play our own Club Paris-themed version of The Dating Game. Watch as one of these unlucky ladies gets a chance to turn her life around by convincing a special guest celebrity from the Austin Powers series of movies that she's the right girl for him by answering a series of risque questions! Now that's hot!

Club Paris Is An Alternate Dimension Where Rape Is Not A Crime
August 25-31, 2007
This whole week the door to Club Paris is a portal to an alternate dimension where girls can't say no... because we're making sure they're completely incapacitated! Your mortal laws hold no sway in this dark realm where literally anything goes! Ladies get in free, drink for free, and get raped for free! Guys, you've never had an experience like this because for one week in August, these ladies have no recourse to higher authority. Gentlemen get ready to let loose your animal passions and embrace the only law governing this twisted expanse, the law of the jungle where the strong dominate the weak and take all that they desire! Be sure to clear your calendar for 11:59 PM on August 31st when special celebrity guest Vern Troyer, a.k.a. Mini-Me from the movie Austin Powers: Goldmember, will be brutally violated by our Club Paris All Male Review and then sacrificed upon a darkened altar to the Ancient One known as Baphomet! It'll be hot!

Don Redman and NAACP to host emergency fundraiser to save Don's Sportsman Barber Shop

2007-07-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Newly elected City Councilman Don Redman (District 4) has issued a joint plea with NAACP-Jacksonville for citizens to join together to support traditional local business and help save Don's Sportsman Barber Shop. The historic barbershop was until recently a place of refuge from the relentless tide of gentrification as well as a nexus of local gossip for several generations of African-Americans where they felt free to gather and debate politics, the legacy of the civil rights movement, religion and generational issues with complete candor. Sold to seedy loan shark Greedly D. Goldwater to help finance Redman's recently successful campaign, Councilman Redman was never truly aware how much the barbershop meant both to him and to the community until he discovered Goldwater's plans to convert the space into a sleazy strip club.

Now Redman has until three stars are visible in the sky (approximately 7 PM tonight) to raise Goldwater's demand of $40,000, exactly twice what Redman was paid, to regain ownership of the barbershop and keep a community already fighting a difficult battle against drug and gang-related violence from teetering over the brink into urban blight and despair. Pastor Eugene Johnson of the NAACP-Jacksonville Executive Committee has issued a statement in support of Councilman Redman.

"While Councilman Redman has in the past made statements which would indicate he is nothing but a tool of local development interests willing to sacrifice African-American communities upon the altar of commerce, the heartfelt change of character he has undergone in the past 24 hours as he realized how much Don's Sportsman Barber Shop means both to himself and to the group of three-dimensional African-American characters who frequented it shows that he deserves our support."

Redman issued a plea of his own for donations to be sent in as he made a frantic last-minute tour of the neighborhood in a beat-up Volkswagen bus with several of the colorful characters from his shop including Curtis, an obese young man with a love of hardcore rap music which he injects into inappropriate situations, Yolanda, an inexperienced hairdresser who confuses sex with love, and Marcus, a hardened ex-con who is trying to make a new start but struggles against falling into old patterns of destructive behavior.

Along for the ride was local rap artist Shot Out who joined in to help save the barbershop and taught Redman a valuable lesson that not all rap music is negatively-themed and is merely a genre for self-expression which can be as easily put to positive use by a dedicated and talented individual, prompting Redman to join in an impromptu rap-themed message declaring his change of heart regarding the legitimacy of rap and his desire to help save this integral keystone of the local African-American community from the consequences of development without restriction.

"Bimbey, folks I's done discovered dat deys nuthin' mo' speshul den deys kith an' kin. I's likes bein' a big im'potant Councilman o' Jacksonville an all, sho' nuff, but seein' dat mighty fine mess I 's done put dese folk in done got my mind a' worked up dat I speck I's as li'ble to make a mess out'n dem councils o' Heaf an' Safety an' dat Transpotation, Enegy and dem Util'ties as I done out o' dis heah Barbershop. Bless yo' soul honey chile', I's even gots my ol' mind all mixed up bout' dat rap music, I's jus an ole man who maybe don' know much bout' nuthin' cept' barberin'," Redman said.

Donations can be sent to:

Don Redman

District 4
Office of the City Council
117 W. Duval St., Suite 425
Jacksonville, FL 32202
Phone: (904) 630-1394
FAX: (904) 630-2906
Email: Redman@coj.net

The Stoning of an Adulteress

2007-07-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

The First Baptist Church of Jacksonville will play host to the stoning of an adulteress on Saturday, July 14th, 2007 at 3 PM. The woman, a Madame F_______ du M_____ of A_______ was caught in flagrante delicto with her hired footman, a Negro. Having submitted herself to the authority of Pastoral Elder and High Inquisitor Mac Brunson, the brazen harlot secured by dint of the foul crime of miscegenation her fate, rather than the traditional emblazoning of a scarlet-colored Latin A upon the breast of her finest caparison.

Families are encouraged to gather early and secure their place for a rousing recital of scriptures from both the Old and New Testaments of Our Lord which will take place prior to the scheduled extirpation. Refreshments will be served and the Jacksonville Police Department will be cordoning off the public streets to ensure ample parking for this private church function, as they often do. A stone decoration workshop will take place the preceding Friday at 7 PM in Preschool room 168. Single men and women of good Christian character are especially invited to attend, and families may rest assured that the League of Mean-Spirited Wives will ensure that no untoward frivolity occurs.