tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7618327615090084455.post6125472942566828099..comments2009-02-03T14:20:52.154-05:00Izzy Kalmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17359018985150888622noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7618327615090084455.post-19046125369589934392008-08-26T22:47:00.000-04:002008-08-26T22:47:00.000-04:00This is Izzy Kalman responding to Tom. You are in the right direction, but many people have trouble understanding the concept completely. It's not that people who were victims become abusers. They are victims. To the other person, they are an abuser, but to themselves, they are a victim. <BR/><BR/>Whenever a person is angry, the person feels like a victim. It has nothing to do with someone's size or strength or position. The problem is that the mental health professions have abandoned the scientific approach and replaced it with a legalistic one. In the legal view, on side is the victim and the other is the abuser. But that is not psychology. <BR/><BR/>Psychologically, when two people are angry with each other, each one feels they are the victim and the other is the abuser. I can be a huge man and you can be my tiny wife, and I can be beating you every day. If I'm angry at you, it's because I feel like I'm your victim: "I can't trust you anymore...I see you looking at other men...You don't want to have sex with me anymore...My dinner is never ready when I come home from work," etc. Just because I am 10 times stronger than you and beating you every day, it doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm your victim. It has nothing to do with imbalances of power. You can be much smaller and weaker than me, and still make my life hell. If you've had children, you know what it can be like.Izzy Kalmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17359018985150888622noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7618327615090084455.post-43773165409500594352008-08-25T23:04:00.000-04:002008-08-25T23:04:00.000-04:00Just discovered your blog and I have read very little but your premise is interesting. I've worked for several years in the domestic violence field with men who have abused their partner and, of course there so often is a victim of abuse but also a victim turned abuser. Large numbers of the guys in these groups grew up having this behavior modeled for them or being abused themselves. Both sides of this equation seem drawn together like magnets into unhealthy relationships. Lots of things going onhere, I know.<BR/>Thanks for your work.<BR/>R. Tom Hudgens LPC retired; THuds Blog/tom.hudgens@gmail.comTomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12216533257238021357noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7618327615090084455.post-91948802545541072072008-07-09T20:33:00.000-04:002008-07-09T20:33:00.000-04:00Dear Izzy,<BR/>After attending your lecture/ workshop on Bullies to Buddies, you confirmed for me what was lingering in my mind: bullies are victims, they are really not addressing their own painful concerns. Robert Alton Harris was executed in CA for the tragic murder of a young man and his friend. The boy's father was in Law Enforcement and went to the scene as LE to find his murdered son. Harris had a life of horrible abuse as a baby and child. He became the bully when he murdered. Had he been able to address the horrible abuse he might have been led down a completely different path. <BR/>Keep up your good work. I am a guidance counselor in a Native Am. school. There is bullying, but nothing as severe as can be seen in "outside" schools. It is still a problem. Healing and empowering the "bully" to stop thinking like a victim and someone who needs to overpower the other may be the answer. I hope the 48 y/o man finds a very good therapist to help him heal his anger and learn empowerment. No one needs to be a victim.<BR/>I don't believe you said the rape victim is responsible. Missed that somehow. But continuing to think like a victim attracts more of the same.<BR/>A believer.<BR/>Elizabeth,<BR/>South FloridaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7618327615090084455.post-28256493413015758992008-07-07T12:22:00.000-04:002008-07-07T12:22:00.000-04:00Thanks for your e-post. This 48 year old guy who angrily wrote you the letter is obviously in a lot of pain, and maybe hasn't dealt with it well. I hope he hasn't been sexually abused himself based on the content of his message. I work as a therapist in a mental health clinic in the Midwest, and his comments sound like a few young men I have worked with as well. Looks like you (Izzy) are catching some of the flak he wishes he could give to his past tormenter(s). Hang in there with your message, because I still believe that kids need to be taught that holding to a "victim mentality" is more harmful than good. Most school bullying is not in the form of physical or sexual abuse, but it unfortunately may have been for this man. Best wishes, ANONAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com