Funnbee.com

WWF and SAFE

2009-04-08T00:09:00.005+02:00

Abnormal Chinese Apaetment

2009-04-04T01:16:00.003+02:00

The 25 Sexiest Things Ever Said by Women

2009-03-29T00:48:00.002+01:00

1. “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.” —Eve, Genesis 3:13

2. “To err is human—but it feels divine.” —Mae West

3. “We’re so damn conservative all day that when you finally get us in the bedroom, we’re absolute animals.” —Shannen Doherty, on being Republican

4. “Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I’m married, I also get good jewelry out of it.” —Heather Locklear

5. “All I can say is if they show my butt in a movie, it better be a wide shot.” —Jennifer Lopez

6. “I don’t think I have to introduce myself, unless you don’t recognize me with my clothes on.” —Madonna

7. “If you want to turn on your boyfriend, get naked and strap on an accordion.” —Sheryl Crow

8. “It says, ‘Pamela.’ And when he gets excited, it says, ‘I love Pamela very, very much. She’s a wonderful wife, and I enjoy her company to the 10th degree!’ ” —Pamela Anderson, on the tattoo on Tommy Lee’s penis

9. “Most virtue is a demand for greater seduction.” —Natalie Clifford Barney

10. “Only the united beat of sex and heart can create ecstasy.” —Anais Nin

11. “It’s pitch, sex is. Once you touch it, it clings to you.” —Margery Allingham

12. “As a stripper, I was getting a taste of what it would be like to be a woman in a society that honors the animal vitality in us all, instead of despising it.” —Seph Weene

13. “It was like experiencing a nuclear explosion in a very small place.” —Loni Anderson, describing sex with WKRP in Cincinnati costar Gary Sandy

14. “I get such a rush going to the store, standing in front of the condom counter and going through them. I love the gold-coin ones. Every time I undo one, it reminds me of the chocolate candies from my childhood.” —Sandra Bullock

15. “I don’t think being obsessed with sex is any stranger than being obsessed with stamp collecting.” —Annie Sprinkle

16. “I’m very old-fashioned. Occasionally I do wear underwear.” —Sharon Stone

17. “Men ought to become more conscious of their bodies as objects of delight.” —Germaine Greer

18. “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” —Ingrid Bergman

19. “You wanna know what my tongue feels like?” —Janet Jackson

20. “You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” —Erica Jong

21. “Don’t! Ever! Stop! F—ing! Me!” —Kelly Preston, in Jerry Maguire

22. “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater?” —Alanis Morissette

23. “I’m not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want.” —Missy Elliott

24. “When she raises her eyelids, it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.” —Colette

25. “I like to wake up feeling a new man.” —Jean Harlow

Now, that’s body art!

2009-03-25T18:34:00.002+01:00

2009 Best National Geographic Pictures

2009-03-24T21:02:00.007+01:00

2009 Best National Geographic Pictures

Glow in the Dark

2009-03-24T17:36:00.006+01:00

This guy owned car is not just nice because of its exterior. It glows in the dark. Really.

10 Things To Do With Conversation Hearts

2009-03-23T23:05:00.004+01:00

You know those heart-shaped candies you can find just about anywhere this time of year? The ones that would taste good if they didn't feel like antacid tablets? The ones with messages like YO and FAX ME? (The ones I can't stop eating because one of my coworkers has an open jar of them on her desk and encourages us to forage?)

Yeah, it turns out there are a lot of better things to do with those than just eating them out of the box. And you can even make your own, out of pretty much anything edible. Or non-edible, if you're looking for something more permanent. At any rate, I bring you: Ten ways to make conversation hearts more interesting.

1. Make your own

The people over at Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories came up with this system. Shortbread cookies + heart-shaped cookie cutter + stencils + food dye = never having to worry about chipping a tooth on a stale heart.

2. Send a twisted message

The title of carbonnyc's photo is, appropriately enough, "Please don't e-mail me."

3. Train your dog

No comment.

4. Make a really, really big one

Again with the evil mad scientists. Their final result is monstrous, and evidently tastes like a toastier version of regular candy hearts.

5. Be both redundant and anatomically correct.
6. Sort them.

7. Just throw them around everywhere.

8. Arrange the random floor hearts into a shape.
9. Make jewelry

CraftyGoat actually made these from polymer clay, but aside from the typeface, they look real.

10. Smush 'em!

Ever felt like someone's stomped on your heart? Well, you can return the favor, without all that pesky blood.

Russian Wooden Cellphone

2009-03-20T15:23:00.003+01:00

If every country had it’s own type of cellphones, Russian ones could look like this. It could be made of wood - wood is cheap and is available everywhere in Russia, it has simple functions like call and bye, it would be made in Finland cause everyone in Russia knows good phones are made in Finland (like Nokia!) and one additional option is a must - a beer bottle opener from the backside of the phone - very handy!

15 of the Hottest Women from Venezuela

2009-03-20T10:25:00.017+01:00

Well,it’s time to travel to yet another country where the woman are not only gorgeous, but you can just tell they are sexy as all hell. I’d have to think all of these women know how to dance too. Is that stereotyping? You’re damned right it is and I refuse to believe anything to the contrary.

Most of these women are models and actresses (which I guess is to be expected). It would be awesome if all of them were rocket scientists. But I guess we can’t have everything in this world.

I have absolutely nothing to say right now. I can’t think of a damned thing to write. I guess Venezuela really has its grips on me at the moment. Sorry guys.

Here are the 15

Christina Dieckmann

She was in the Miss Venezuela Contest in 1997. Now she’s a 32-Year-Old Model who is as hot as ever.

Aida Yespica

Currently Aida is a WAG and model. She was a contestant in the Miss Venezuela contest in 2002 and didn’t win. Wait, what? Not sure how that’s possible.

Gaby Espino

She’s an actress and model who is a featured woman on Telemundo. Wahoo!

Patricia Fuenmeyor

She’s just some unbelievable model and television host that I found from Urbe Magazine.

Norelys Rodriguez

In 2001 she was runner-up in the Miss Venezuela contest. She was also voted Miss Photogenic, Miss Congeniality, and Miss Personality for that contest.

Gabriela Paez

Yet another television host on Univision. Man do they know what they’re doing over there.

Sonia Vera

One of Maxim’s top 25 hottest Latinas. She’s got her own calendar. She was also on Price is Right! Eh, whatever, she’s hot.

Lidymar Escalona

Miss Venezuela 2006.

Patricia Velasquez

She’s an actress who’s in movies and stuff. You might remember her in The Mummy.

Monica Spear Mootz

Winner of Miss Venezuela 2004.

Electra and Elise Avellan

The Avellan Twins. Need I say more. More Pictures.

Norkys Batista

What do ya know? Another model and actress.

Dayana Mendoza

Our current Miss Universe.

Carolina Marconi

Half Italian and Half Venezuelan. Best. Combo. Ever.

Claudia Suarez

Miss World Venezuela in 2006.

Lifestyles of the Animated and High

2009-03-15T00:07:00.005+01:00

When people think of cartoon characters getting high, the conversation always turns to Shaggy of Scooby-Doo. And why not? He talks to a dog. He’s paranoid that he’s being chased by ghosts. He has a perpetual box of Scooby Snacks when the munchies hit.

But Shaggy’s not the only animated guy toking up in the back seat of the Mystery Machine. Check out the secret drug addictions of these ten cartoon characters.

Defendant: Yogi Bear

Drug of Choice: Marijuana

Shaggy’s not the only one indulging in a spliff. Perhaps Yogi grows his own in Jellystone National Park. An omnipresent yearning for pic-a-nic baskets and Ranger Smith paranoia are both signs of the pot smoker. Plus his mention that he’s “smarter than the average bear” is a version of the “I swear, I’m not drunk” tell.

Defendant: Underdog

Drug of Choice: Anabolic steroids

He’s a mild-mannered Shoeshine Boy - until Polly Purebred’s in trouble. Then he pops an “Underdog Super Energy Pill” and he morphs into a canine version of Superman. In the mid-to-late 80s, they edited the pill-popping scenes out. That way no one would know what steroids are!

Defendant: Sherman (of Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman)

Drug of Choice: LSD

Sherman is “owned” by a “genius dog” named “Mr. Peabody” and takes “trips” in the “WABAC machine” that go “back in time.” ‘Nuff said.

Defendant: Wilma Flintstone & Betty Rubble (of The Flintstones)

Drug of Choice: Valium

Wilma and Betty are the cave precursors to Hot Chicks with Douchebags. Although Fred and Barney are less douchey than dopey. The only way that they haven’t gone all Bam-Bam on their men has to be a healthy dose of Mother’s Little Helper.

Defendant: Morocco Mole (of The Secret Squirrel Show.)

Drug of Choice: Hashish

He’s from Morocco. He’s got beady eyes. And he wears a fez but no pants?

Defendant: Jem (of Jem and the Holograms)

Drug of Choice: Ecstasy

When her father died, he left her Synergy, a holographic computer designed to be the “ultimate visual entertainment synthesizer.” I’m sure he left her his happy pills, too. Jem single-handedly introduced rave culture to the tween set.

Defendant: Speedy Gonzalez

Drug of Choice: Crank

This one’s pretty obvious. Although I discovered that Speedy, as well as being a speed freak, was also a pimp. Maybe he was chasing his high some 72-hour weekend as well?

Defendant: Elroy Jetson (of The Jetsons)

Drug of Choice: Ritalin

Brilliant. Focused. Straight-A student. Never gets into trouble. With parents like clueless George and perfectionist Jane, this kid’s gotta be on something.

Defendant: Natasha Fatale (of Rocky & Bullwinkle)

Drug of Choice: Diet pills.

She’s a former model and a past Miss Transylvania who’s managed to keep her figure. All before heroin chic!

Defendant: Tom (of Tom & Jerry)

Drug of Choice: Vicodin

He’s been hit on the head with hammers, with frying pans, with baseball bats. He’s been set on fire, drowned, run over, blown up. Like a feline Timex, this housecat takes a licking and keeps on ticking. What’s his secret? I say liberal doses of Vicodin.

What sort of drugs do you think the characters of your favorite cartoons/comics do?

Periodic Table Of Typefaces

2009-03-13T19:52:00.003+01:00

Click on image to enlarge

9 Chilling Quotes From Children In Film

2009-03-04T00:34:00.001+01:00

Typically, the children in horror movies are either the unwilling messengers of doom or are evil themselves. Either way, the dialogue these kids have to spout is usually pretty eerie and often not something you’d want to hear coming out of the mouths of babes.

Here’s a look at 9 chilling quotes spoken by children in some of our favorite horror/thriller films.

Poltergeist

“They’re here …”

Is there any more classic moment than when Carol Anne turns away from the static TV and says to Craig T. Nelson, “They’re here”? The sing-song delivery, the creepy little toe-headed kid, everything about the scene is unnerving. The reality of what happened to Poltergeist star Heather O’Rourke only adds to the enduring scariness. The sad thing is that the scene is now being used to sell cable TV, which seems a crass and careless way to tread on someone’s memory.

The Sixth Sense

“I see dead people.”

Of course, the most famous of the creepy little kids of the last decade is Haley Joel Osmet in The Sixth Sense, when he imparted those famous words to Bruce Willis, “I see dead people.” Coming at about the midway point of the film, those four little words explain what has been going on in the film, and opens the door for the much larger surprise that comes at the end. A lot of people would argue that writer/director M. Night Shyamalan has been making the same film ever since and that none of his other films have lived up to the promise of that first success, but if nothing else, he has given us one of the most memorable film experiences ever.

The Shining

“Redrum.”

While Jack Nicholson’s psychotic axe-wielding family man Jack Torrance managed to scare the crap out of us — and has one of the greatest movies lines ever with “Here’s Johnny!” — it was really Jack’s young son Danny who had the most chilling scenes of the film. In this Stanley Kubrick adaptation of the classic Stephen King novel, a writer takes a job as the winter caretaker at what turns out to be a haunted hotel. After Jack, his wife, and their young son Danny move into the hotel, it’s revealed that the young boy has “the shining,” an ability to see ghosts. Eventually, Danny begins to repeatedly chant “redrum” in a deep voice while holding a knife in one hand while writing the word in red lipstick on a door with the other — that’s creepy enough. It becomes even more chilling when we find out what “redrum” actually means.

The Exorcist

“You’re gonna die up there.”

There are so many chilling and iconic moments packed into Linda Blair’s performance as the possessed Regan MacNeil that choosing just one singular moment is pretty difficult. Nearly every moment of dialogue that takes place between Father Karras and Regan during the Exorcism scenes are far beyond mere disturbing. Most of the gems concern Karras’s mother, like “Your mother’s in here, Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I’ll see that she gets it.” and the infamous “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell…”, or even parroting his Mother’s dementia-filled agony with “Why you do this to me, Dimi? Please Dimi, I’m afraid.” Yet for me the creepiest bit in the film takes place before the actual possession at her mom’s cocktail party. Amid the festivities of a piano-fueled singalong Regan pulls a true show-stopper when after being put to bed she returns to the party and sidles up to an Astronaut (we should all have one Astronaut buddy). In a monotonous deadpan Regan say “You’re gonna die up there.” followed by her letting loose a load of piss on the rug. Now, a little girl in pajamas telling a spaceman he’s gonna be orbital toast the day before his launch is eerie enough, but that piss-filled encore takes the moment beyond mere creepy and into utra-disturbing territory.

Interview With The Vampire

“I promise I’ll get rid of the bodies.”

Little Claudia (Kirsten Dunst) is a beautiful girl perfectly dressed and coiffed, just like the numerous dolls that decorate her room. But she’ll never be truly happy, because she’s a child vampire who’ll live forever, yet never grow into a woman. This is the one thing she desires — so much so, amongst her dolls she hides the corpse of a female victim she wanted to emulate, which prompts a heated argument with her “father” and maker Lestat (Tom Cruise). Seemingly to make up for the fight, little Claudia brings Lestat twin boys to fed on, concealing that the boys are already dead — and drinking from the dead is a big vampire no-no. To coax Lestat to drink, Claudia so sweetly says “I promise I’ll get rid of the bodies.” Lestat takes the bait, which allows Claudia to finish him off. This “child” may seem innocent and look like a little angel, but underneath it all, she’s the deadliest of them all.

The Good Son

“Mom, I need your other hand.”

Macaulay Culkin was on a meteoric rise in the early 1990s with the success of the first two Home Alone movies, so it might not have been the best idea for the child star to headline the 1993 thriller The Good Son as the “bad son.” Culkin’s Henry goes far beyond spilling some milk. He’s an innocent-looking boy with malicious intent and no conscience. He will harm with no remorse. The film’s climatic scene is truly a cliffhanger: After trying to kill his own mother, Susan, Henry hangs from a cliff alongside his “good” cousin Mark (Elijah Wood). Holding one boy in each hand, Susan tries to pull them both to safety when Henry tells her, “Mom, I need your other hand” leaving Susan with the dilemma of who to save — her innocent nephew or her evil son?

Damien: Omen II

“Why? Why me?”

The 1970s loved to pair children with the devil, as we saw with The Exorcist. But with The Omen, instead of the child being possessed by the Devil, this 1976 horror film centered around the spawn of Satan — the Antichrist. While the original film was frightening enough, Satan’s son Damien was just a small child who didn’t say much. But in the 1978 sequel, Damien still doesn’t know of his true nature, until he begins to come of age and starts to feel a change. When he finds out that the AntiChrist has a 666 birthmark, he checks his scalp and discovers he has it. As horrifying as the gruesome deaths in the movie were, it’s Damien’s discovery of his true Satanic heritage — complete with an anguished “Why me?” — that’s truly bone-chilling.

Pet Semetary

“I brought you something, Mommy.”

For me personally, it does not get any more terrifying than adorable little Gage from Pet Semetary. If the horror of your baby son being hit by a speeding 18-wheeler isn’t enough to begin with, this little one is buried in then that wacky cemetery. A little bit of Monkey’s Paw later, well, we all know what happens there… back comes little Gage, only quite different now. That kid, with his little outfits and his knife and tiny high-pitched voice is enough to make me weep, especially when he’s bringing a knife to his mother, saying “I brought you something, Mommy” as if it will be a sweet surprise for her.

Children of the Corn

“He wants you too, Malachai.”

Let’s face it, the entire premise of Children of the Corn and its numerous sequels is one big creepy-children horror fest, from its brainwashed children with pitchforks chanting “KILL!” to its charismatic child leader Isaac and his eerie preaching about the evil god of corn known as “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” While driving through Nebraska, Linda Hamilton and the guy from 30 Something have a run-in with the murderous children who sacrifice adults to the evil corn god. When Isaac has a disagreement with his right-hand man Malachai, the latter has Isaac crucified as a sacrifice to their god. As Isaac awaits death on the corn cross, he spouts off about how he is the giver of “His” word and how the children will pay for their treachery and disobedience to Isaac’s teachings. After his death, in true biblical form, Isaac is resurrected. Looking like he just put his finger in an electrical socket, the prophet Isaac returns to bring vengeance from their God to Malachai. In a possessed voice, the young Isaac tells his betrayer, “He wants you too, Malachai.”

The 10 Greatest Fictional Presidents in U.S. History

2009-03-04T00:31:00.002+01:00

Happy Presidents’ Day Sale Day! In commemoration of all the wonderful presidents we’ve had (Lincoln, Washington, FDR, JFK, ummmm… I guess that’s it, right?), we here at Indecision wanted to bring you a little something special.

No, not half off coupons on a Toyota Corolla or a mattress or whatever. That would be really cliché.

Because we know how much you, the Internet, love lists, we’re counting down the greatest fake presidents. When we say fake president, we don’t just mean George W. Bush (waits for applause from likeminded crowd).

This is a list of movie and TV presidents who led our country through deadly meteors, alien attacks, and Annette Bening blowjobs.

We didn’t feature a list of real presidents because on President’s day, shouldn’t we focus on the Presidents we dream of having rather than the ones we probably deserve to get stuck with?

10. Deep Impact – President Tom Beck

Eloquent even when preparing the world for certain annihilation, President Tom Beck, played by Morgan Freeman, speaks in that calming voice-overy cadence that steered us through the more penguin-y death filled scenes of March of the Penguins.

I remember when the film was released theatrically, my South American cousin asked, “Where are all of the other world leaders? Why is the U.S. seemingly the only country that takes action during a fucking worldwide asteroid crisis?”

The answer is simple. When Morgan Freeman is president, you don’t need any other leaders. At the time, I was too young to effectively explain this, so I settled with repeatedly chanting into his ear, “U.S.A! U.S.A!”

President Beck thoroughly plans a realistic contingency plan in case the astronauts assigned to destroy the asteroid fuck it all up. Of course, the astronauts fuck it all up in their first attempt because Billy Bob Thornton is clearly no Bruce Willis.

I would have put President Beck higher on the list, but, let’s face it, Deep Impact isn’t a very good movie. I really wish President Beck could have somehow created legislation so this movie wouldn’t suck and be boring as hell.

9. Primary Colors - President Jack Stanton

It’s unfortunate Primary Colors isn’t widely remembered, because it is genuinely a decent film.

President Jack Stanton in the film is a totally original and interesting character.

He is a silver-haired, womanizing, southern politician who narrowly avoids numerous sex scandals due to his mesmerizing charisma.

How do they come up with this stuff?!

I almost didn’t include President Jack Stanton in the countdown because he is played by John Travolta.

I have nothing personal against Saturday Night Jack, but the idea of Travolta becoming president makes my stomach churn and my thetans feel nauseous.

8. The American President – President Andrew Shepherd

President Andrew Shepherd, played by Michael Douglas, has a lot in common with The West Wing’s President Bartlett.

In fact, this entire movie is basically The West Wing.

But with Annette Bening in place of Richard Schiff.

Like any good Hollywood liberal, The American President’s writer, Aaron Sorkin, would dutifully recycle material when creating The West Wing

Making this film feel a tad obsolete.

As a result, I’m sure director Rob Reiner spends his nights crying into a patty melt.

7. Frost/Nixon – President Richard Nixon

Like most Americans, I loved Frost/Nixon. I speak obviously only of the trailer, because like most Americans, I actually didn’t watch Frost/Nixon. But the fictional character of President Nixon in the trailer is by far one of my favorite fictional presidents ever.

In fact, I am even willing to overlook his hideously fake name. Nixon? Really? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass name like Nixon? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass person like Nixon? Sorry, Frank Langella, but you played an ugly dude.

Other than that, President Nixon is pretty badass.

You know that scene from the trailer where Nixon asks Frost, “Did you do any fornicating last night?” And then Frost is all like, “Whaaaaa?”

That’s a pretty great scene. Or at least I guess it’s a good scene. I’ll probably never know for sure, since that slash in the title makes the film seem a little too smart for my tastes.

6. 24 - President David Palmer

24’s President David Palmer is just plain wonderful. Although he might not be perfect and his entire family needs several walk-in closets just to begin hiding their skeletons, he is highly principled when allowing Jack Bauer to exploit our fears of terrorist attack for the sake of dramatic tension.

There are claims President David Palmer’s presence prepared America for a black president. If this is true, how come Geena Davis didn’t do shit for Hillary?

After deciding not to run for a second term, President Palmer followed in Bob Dole’s footsteps and hawked Allstate Car Insurance for a living. Many polls indicate he may even be more popular than that goddamned Geicko gecko.

Unfortunately, President Palmer was assassinated in the fifth season but by then, the only people paying attention to 24 were Keifer Sutherland and John McCain.

5. The West Wing – President Josiah Bartlet

President Josiah Bartlet is basically the most perfect president in all of media history. He might make mistakes, but at the end of the day, his firm belief in not being a realistically flawed president in any way shape or form trumps everything.

Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing’s creator, often claims he based Bartlett on Bill Clinton and his father, but I’m pretty sure he actually based Martin Sheen’s character on Mother fucking Teresa.

Bartlet’s biggest Achilles’ Heel is his Multiple Sclerosis, which mostly just recalls Franklin Delano Roosevelt, one of our most beloved real life presidents.

He’s probably the greatest fake president who is actually celebrated for doing a president’s real job instead of personally killing terrorists and aliens with his own two hands.

The only reason I’m not putting him as number one is because President Bartlet is still grounded in some reality. He is realistically unbelievable, which sounds like an oxymoron, until we get to some other fictional presidents who are truly oxymoronic, but in an amazing way.

4. Superman Comics- President Lex Luthor

Back in 2000, Superman’s arch nemesis, Lex Luthor, ran for President and won. Despite the fact he was a villain, he still managed to do a lot of good by stopping the use of fossil fuels. That’s the great thing about comics. They can fantasize about a great escapist future where we aren’t literally burning our planet from the inside out. What imaginations!

Under Luthor’s presidency, he protected Earth against an alien invasion. It was later revealed President Luthor knew about the incoming aliens and allowed them to attack Topeka, Kansas.

Superman and the rest of the Justice League are obviously aghast by this fact, but they completely ignore that FDR totally knew about Pearl Harbor and was all like, “Fuck it, dog. I’m wheeling my polio ass to bed.”

So, by this logic, President Luthor was only doing what FDR would do, and like I already mentioned, he is one of our greatest presidents.

‘Nuff said… oops, that’s Marvel’s catchphrase.

3. Super President – President James Norcross

Back in the late 60’s, NBC aired a limited animation cartoon based on the exploits of a super powered chief of state. When President James Norcross becomes zapped by cosmic rays, he acquires superpowers, transforming him into Super President.

With the power to turn his molecular composition into any substance, President Norcross can easily defeat his numerous foes, like Russian spies, domestic terrorists, and congressional leaders.

The best part, as animation historian Jerry Beck points out, is Super President’s chubby sidekick who bears strong resemblance to real life super villain, Karl Rove.

The series was short-lived since it was considered poor taste in light of the JFK assassination to depict an invulnerable president who could materialize into any substance, including a not dead president.

But now that we’ve had plenty of action hero presidents and a real life messiah president, isn’t it time to revive our first super hero president too?

I smell a tent pole picture starring Shia Lebeouf as Super Prez.

2. Independence Day - President Thomas J. Whitmore

Bill Pullman playing Thomas J. Whitmore is exactly how George W. Bush sees himself. He’s a no nonsense president who is slipping in the polls but following his inner principles. After America is attacked by foreigners (they are foreign to the planet Earth), President Whitmore rises to the occasion and personally protects freedom.

He is exactly like Bush, except, you know, he never weaseled his way out of military duty. Also, George W. Bush never climbed into a fighter jet to personally fight an enemy. Bush wisely limited his fighter jet experience to ill-conceived PR opportunities.

If the world was actually ambushed by aliens, Bush would not slip into his pilot jumper and board a military jet. He’d probably just hire a mercenary organization like Blackwater. And then they’d definitely end up killing all our good aliens, like ET, Chewbacca, and Mac from Mac and Me.

1. Air Force One - President James Marshall

Harrison Ford as President James Marshall is like Officer John McClane from Die Hard except he uses the word “fuck” a lot less. After all, we can’t have our president going around using curse words.

I’m almost certain if any president was taken hostage, they would do one of two things, a.) sell out their beloved country to save their own presidential hides or b.) die with dignity knowing we cannot compromise our values to brute force (i.e. not negotiating with terrorists). In the real world, those are the only two realistic options. But in the movie world, those are the only two COMPLETELY BORING options.

Instead, President Marshall takes matter into his own hands, ejecting an empty escape pod, killing several terrorists, and freeing many of the hostages through the plane’s parachute hanger.

When Bill Clinton saw the movie, he complained the real Air Force One didn’t have an escape pod or a parachute hanger, as if this was the only unbelievable part of the film.

Bill Clinton, let’s stop being polite and start getting real. The most unbelievable part of Air Force One isn’t the escape pod or the parachute hanger. It’s that the president of the United States acted like he was elected to pass legislation and kick ass, and he was all out of legislation. President Clinton, you can barely go for a morning job without stopping at a McDonalds.

The only time Bill Clinton ever uttered the words, “Get off my plane,” was when he wanted Al Gore to stop boring him about the fuel efficiency of the aircraft.

Closing Thoughts – President Me

Now, before you all go off the handle in the comments section bitching about how I didn’t include your favorite fake president, take a deep breath and go grill something already. Enjoy the day off. Unless of course you work in retail, in which case, get back to work you lazy bum!

Top 10 Romantic Movies of All Time

2009-03-04T00:31:00.001+01:00

CASABLANCA - Love, war, intrigue… all woven into the tapestry of a movie is perhaps what makes ‘Casablanca’ stand out as one of those timeless classics. It speaks about love, marriage and infidelity. The tried and tested recipe for the perfect romance.

Casablanca (1942) is an American romantic drama film directed by Michael Curtiz, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Paul Henreid and featuring Claude Rains, Conrad Veidt, Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre. Set during World War II, it focuses on a man torn between, in the words of one character, love and virtue. He must choose between his love for a woman and helping her and her Resistance leader husband escape from the Vichy-controlled Moroccan city of Casablanca to continue his fight against the Nazis.

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY - Can a man and a woman be just friends? The debate has run for ever. This movie traces the life of two friends through college to their adulthood. Have you a tale to tell too?

When Harry Met Sally… is a 1989 romantic comedy film written by Nora Ephron and directed by Rob Reiner. It stars Billy Crystal as Harry and Meg Ryan as Sally. The story follows the title characters from the time they meet on a cross-country carpool ride, through twelve years or so of chance encounters in New York City. The film raises the question “Can men and women ever just be friends?” and advances many ideas about love that have become household concepts now, such as the “high-maintenance“ girlfriend and the “transitional person”

PRETTY WOMAN - He needs a woman to escort him to an event and she is ready to live the good life.

Vivian is a prostitute who meets her knight in shining armour, Edward while at work. He sweeps off her feet and the rest is history

Pretty Woman is a 1990 romantic comedy film.

The film centers on the titular character, down-on-her-luck prostitute Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) who is hired by a wealthy businessman and corporate raider, Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) to be his escort for several business functions, and their developing relationship.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S - For a man, a woman becomes mystery when they can’t read her. This is just what happens to a struggling writer Paul Varjak who moves in next door to a pretty and quirky neighbour Holly Golightly. She flits through parties with poise and when alone she is pretty much vulnerable. This girl is something any man will look for.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s is a 1961 American film starring Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard, and featuring Patricia Neal, Buddy Ebsen, Martin Balsam, and Mickey Rooney. It was directed by Blake Edwards and released by Paramount Pictures.

DIRTY DANCING - Baby heads off to holiday camp and finds her life changed forever. Johnny Castle sweeps her off her feet literally with sensuous dance moves. Dancing is a great way to rekindle your romance!

Dirty Dancing is a 1987 romance film. Written by Eleanor Bergstein and directed by Emile Ardolino, the film features Jennifer Grey, Patrick Swayze, Cynthia Rhodes, and Jerry Orbach. The story details the moment of time that a teenaged girl crosses over into womanhood both physically and emotionally, through a relationship with a dance instructor during a family summer vacation. Around a third of the movie involves dancing scenes choreographed by Kenny Ortega (later famous for High School Musical), and the finale has been described as “the most goosebump-inducing dance scene in movie history”.

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE - What if you never met someone but you knew they were your soul mate? Well, this movie shows how a couple can be united by the universe because of a karmic connection.

Sleepless in Seattle is a 1993 American romantic comedy film written and directed by Nora Ephron. Based on a story by Jeff Arch, it stars Tom Hanks as Sam Baldwin and Meg Ryan as Annie Reed.

The film was inspired by An Affair to Remember and used both its theme song and clips from the film in critical scenes. The climactic meeting at the top of the Empire State Building is a reference to a reunion between Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr in An Affair to Remember that fails to happen because the Kerr character is struck by a car while enroute. At one point, some of the characters discuss Affair, with Sam commenting that it sounds like a “chick movie.”

ROMAN HOLIDAY - Meet Princess Ann, stressed out from her daily work routine. She runs away on a holiday to Rome where she meets a journalist, Joe Bradley, and ends up falling in love. Why not go on this exciting trip with this couple?

Roman Holiday is a 1953 romantic comedy. The film introduced American audiences to Belgian-born actress Audrey Hepburn, who won the Academy Award for Best Actress. Gregory Peck and Eddie Albert co-starred. The movie was directed and produced by William Wyler. It was written by John Dighton and author Dalton Trumbo. As Trumbo was on the Hollywood blacklist, he was not credited; instead, Ian McLellan Hunter fronted for him. Trumbo’s name was finally digitally added to the film’s credits when it was released on DVD in 2003.

TITANIC - A woman’s heart can carry her man’s love forever. Rose meets Jack on board the ill-fated Titanic and despite their social differences, fall in love. Though their romance was short-lived their romance lives on.

Titanic is a 1997 American romantic film directed, written, co-produced and co-edited by James Cameron about the sinking of the RMS Titanic. It features Kate Winslet as Rose DeWitt Bukater, and Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack Dawson, two members of different social classes who fall in love aboard the ill-fated voyage of the ship. The main characters and the central love story are fictional, but some characters (such as members of the ship’s crew) are based on real historical figures. Gloria Stuart plays the elderly Rose, who narrates the film in a modern day framing device.

GHOST - How deep a man’s love for a woman can be is what this movie is all about. Sam and Molly are happy till he is murdered. He comes back as a ghost to ensure she is protected. Doesn’t this sweet tale tug at your heart?

Ghost is a 1990 romantic fantasy film starring Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore, Tony Goldwyn and Whoopi Goldberg, written by Bruce Joel Rubin and directed by Jerry Zucker. It was nominated for multiple Academy Awards, including Best Picture, winning for Best Original Screenplay, as well as Best Supporting Actress for Whoopi Goldberg.

THE READER - A passionate and secretive affair between young Michael and a much older Hanna is what this romantic flick is all about. Watch how he saves her from a life of imprisonment.

The Reader is an Academy Award-nominated and BAFTA, Golden Globe Award-winning 2008 British drama film based on the 1995 German novel of the same name by Bernhard Schlink. The film adaptation was written by David Hare and directed by Stephen Daldry. Ralph Fiennes and Kate Winslet star along with the young actor David Kross. It was the last film for producers Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack, who both died before it was released. Production began in Germany in September 2007, and the film opened in limited release on 10 December 2008.

The 7 Funniest Black Men of All Time

2009-03-04T00:28:00.002+01:00

Bill Cosby

Many of you probably only remember Bill Cosby from The Bill Cosby Show, as host of Kids Say the Darndest Things or simply as a Jello salesman. But that’d be like judging Def Leppard entirely on their career after losing a guitar player and a drummer’s arm - it misses all the best stuff.

Originally from North Philly, Cosby got his start in comedy working as a bartender, telling jokes to up his tips. He was soon being booked at bars in Philadelphia and New York, landing a spot at the Gaslight Cafe in 1962. By ‘64, he’d toured the entire US and released his first comedy album, Bill Cosby Is a Very Funny Fellow…Right!, which highlights the humor of his childhood rather than focusing on the raunchier sides of life. And while Cosby remains righteous in his promotion of family values, the son-of-a-b***h can still tell a joke.

Robin Harris

Known for his hard-hitting humor and quick put-downs, Robin Harris big-eyed act began developing a mainstream following in 1985. His recurring “Bébé’s Kids” act, based on having to take his girlfriend’s three punkass kids with them on vacation, became his best-known and was scheduled to be made into a movie before Harris died from a heart attack in 1990. In addition to his stand-up performances, Harris debuted his acting career in ghetto-acclaimed, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka and played “Sweet Dick Willy” in Spike Lee’s classic, Do the Right Thing.

Chris Rock

Voted the fifth greatest comedian of all time, Chris Rock is a modern-day comedic powerhouse, with scorching social commentary that cuts straight through the bullsh*t.

After a few minor roles in movies like Beverly Hills Cop II, a stint on Saturday Night Live and the success of New Jack City, Rock landed his first HBO special, Big Ass Jokes, which first aired in 1994.

Since then, he’s produced five hit HBO specials, had his own television show and stared in scores of movies.

Eddie Murphy

Despite coming out with some real pieces of c**p movies later in life, Eddie Murphy is one of the most talented comedians of all time. From his early stand-ups like Delirious and Raw to his swath of movies like Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop and Coming to America, Eddie Murphy’s ability to rip apart people from all walks of life while still being gut-bustingly hilarious has made him one of the most copied comedians in history. And he’s currently ranked as the highest grossing film star in history, with 33 films grossing a total of $3.4 billion just in the U.S.

Dave Chappelle

Before fame (and a $50 million contract) made him lose his mind and run off to Africa, Dave Chappelle was on the fast track to becoming one of the biggest stars on television.

By the second season “The Chappelle Show” took off, making him the funniest man in America, and causing every single person you know to run around saying “I’m Rick James, bi**h!” every 10 f**king seconds.

Thanks, Dave…

Redd Fox

Best known for his role on the television series Sanford and Son, Redd Fox is a godfather of modern comedy.

With what was considered one of the raunchiest stand-up acts of his day.

The subversive topics and language changed how people viewed stand-up comedy, and came to pave the way for later greats like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock.

Richard Pryor

Laugh Messiah, The One, the Godfather of Comedy - this guy did it all, from writing to acting to his imfamous stand-up acts, Richard Pryor was what we call a “comedic genius”. And if you haven’t ever heard his stand-up acts, take the time to study them. Listen closely, and you’ll probably hear every joke any commedian’s told in the past 25 years. His storytelling style and liberal use of vulgar language and racial epiphets are so integrated with modern comedy, it’s hard to imagine how there were jokes before this guy got on a stage.

The Top 10 Awesome Things You Didn’t Know About Clint Eastwood

2009-03-04T00:28:00.001+01:00

Clint Eastwood has become a living monument of Hollywood. He is to film what Chuck Norris is to roundhouse kicks: the founding father and ruling king. His squint alone has the ability to make lesser filmmakers renounce the craft altogether and his gravelly snarl has made plenty of punks reassess the status of their luck. But everyone knows he’s a badass, and everyone knows he’s as talented behind a camera as he is behind the trigger of a .44 Magnum. But there are some things you might not have known about him.

10. Clint has directed more movies than Steven Spielberg and George Lucas

Can this be for real? A man who made his mark in this world for so long with his gritty performances of gunslinging toughs has actually directed more movies than the men who are arguably the two most famous American directors in history?

Clint has topped their counts?

Yes, it’s true. Clint released two films in 2008 (one of the strange times you could actually see a preview of an Eastwood movie at an Eastwood movie), as well as two in 2006, two in 1997 and two in 1990. He’s directed sixteen movies since 1990 alone. This is not normal. This is Clint Eastwood. Respect the man, for he is a living legend.

9. Clint played at Carnegie Hall

The man acts, directs, and he even plays a mean piano. And you know when Clint does it, it really is mean, as he demonstrated at Carnegie Hall in 1997. He’s played since he was a boy and is by all accounts self-taught, and has even scored some of his own films (Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby, Gran Torino). This is what we call a triple threat. If anyone could take the ivories and make them lethal, it’s Clint.

8. Clint used to dig pools for a living

This just goes to show that even Clint Eastwood came from pretty humble beginnings. Back when he was just getting bit parts in little movies here and there, Clint spent his time between acting employment digging pools for the Hollywood elite who’d already made their fortunes. Which means the next time you’re in the Hollywood hills taking a dip in your producer friend’s pool, take a moment to reflect on the flinty hands of Clint that quite possibly dug that pool for your overprivileged ass.

7. Clint tried his hand at recording pop records

One of the roles that helped make Clint famous was Rowdy Yates on the show Rawhide in the early ‘60s. In an ill-advised attempt to consolidate an audience amongst the teeny bopper crowd, he recorded pop songs meant to reach out to this demographic. He eventually recorded the album titled, “Rawhide’s Clint Eastwood Sings Cowboy Favorites”. Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone was in the mood for cowboy favorites from Clint or anyone else, and his brief stint as pop star ended about as soon as it began. Which is probably for the better. He turned out to be much better at writing scores for his movie and rocking the jazz standards, which is more than you can say for your average action movie star.

6. Clint was fired by Universal Studios for having an Adam’s apple that was too big

This is one of those moments in cinema history that is just too ridiculous not to be true. After Universal signed Clint in 1954 for the princely sum of $75 a week, which landed him parts in forgettable movies like Revenge of the Creature and Tarantula, a couple of studio execs happened upon him one day and noticed his Adam’s apple. Deciding it was too big, he was out, just like that. The venerable Clint Eastwood was chewed up and spat out by a couple of Hollywood hacks.

Of course, it was only a matter of time – and not much time at that – before he was rolling, rolling, rolling rawhide, and those execs would be confronted with their own ineffable stupidity.

5. Clint received the French Legion d’Honneur award

…by President Jacques Chirac, no less. Having received this award on February 17, 2007, Clint officially became a Knight of the Empire, which I suppose means that if France and Russia ever got into it like olden times, good ol’ Clinty boy would be at the front of the line to duke it out with Putin. I don’t care how many Judo belts Putin has, my money’s still on Clint.

4. Clint drives a beater

One might think that with all the riches that come with Clint’s level of fame and success he’d be living about as high on the hog as he could without actually falling off the hog altogether. But one would be very, very wrong.

An anonymous source shared with me a very interesting story. My source, at the time, was an employee at the prestigious Hollywood hotel the Chateau Marmont and happened to see Clint, in the flesh, waiting for the valet to bring his car around. Cleverly quipping to the hoi polloi that surrounded him, “I have my Mercedes Benz here,” he patiently bided his time as the lower species of human marveled at the cinematic deity in their presence.

Clint stood there, squinting his scare-the-daylights-out-of-the-daylight squint, when up came his vehicle of choice. And what kind of vehicle would this be? The newest, slickest Benz on the market? No. In fact, a run-down, battered, late-‘80s Grand Marquis sputtered up to Clint, as if the valet had taken it upon himself to play a dirty trick on Dirty Harry.

But this was no ruse, this was simply more evidence that Clint is every bit the man’s man he appears to be. What kind of man needs leather interior? What kind of man needs a CD player, or seats that heat up, or windows that roll down? Not Clint. Clint only needs four wheels that are round and an engine that goes.

As Clint climbed into his Grand Marquis, the back bumper holding onto the rest of the car by a thread – or a Bungee cord, anyway – everyone else looked on in astonishment and admiration. And no one uttered a single word about the man’s mule.

3. Clint threatened to kill Michael Moore

Once again, fact is way awesomer than fiction. So how exactly did Clint come to threaten Michael Moore’s life? Well, it just so happens that Clint got the opportunity to watch Moore’s film Bowling for Columbine, and he didn’t much care for the scene at the end where Moore sticks a camera in Charlton Heston’s face and pretty much makes an ass of him.

So, while accepting a Special Filmmaking Achievement prize for Million Dollar Baby at the National Board Of Review Awards in New York, he says, “Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera, I’ll kill you.” The audience laughs, everyone has a good chuckle, and then the laughter dies down.

To make sure everyone knows that this wasn’t a joke and there’s no punchline, he then says, “I mean it.” Gulp! These are the times when I’m glad I’m not a fat documentary filmmaker. Charlton may have been a gentleman about Moore’s boorish ways, but Clint, as always, knows the answer to obnoxious punks: the .44 Magnum.

2. Clint is allergic to horses

And you heard it first here. Now, while your reaction might be to recoil in horror at this juicy little tidbit of gossip, pause a moment and really reflect on this. The man has spent about half of his cinematic career sitting on horses. Horses that REPULSE his body. But did this ever stop Clint from getting the job done? Did he ever exchange any of his squints for a single wince? Nope. Not once. That’s because while Clint’s body may experience anguish over the hooved creatures that bring it pain, Clint himself is oblivious to discomfort.

1. Clint is a vegan

That’s right. You’d think Clint would maintain a steady diet of rare steaks, beef jerky and live ammunition, but no. He has said that, “I take vitamins daily, but just the bare essentials not what you’d call supplements. I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit, vegetables, tofu, and other soy products.”

Dang. Hard to believe the same guy who played Dirty Harry would also keep the same dietary habits of the hippies living in Haight Ashbury. Maybe that’s why he’s still in better shape at age 78 than most men are at 25. Well, part of the reason is that Death is too chicken to approach him when he’s awake – and Clint sleeps with at least one eye open. The other is because he apparently believes meat is murder.

Veganism just got 100% cooler.

10 Classic Films That Would Be Better With Zombies

2009-03-04T00:27:00.000+01:00

Publisher Quirk Books and author Seth Grahame-Smith have come up with the best way to make a literary work more accessible since the creation of Classics Illustrated comic books: they’ve added “all-new scenes of bone crunching zombie action” to Jane Austen’s 19th century novel Pride and Prejudice. This new version, out in stores this May, is titled Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance – Now With Ultraviolent Mayhem! And if you didn’t think it was a masterpiece before, chances are you will now.

Could we do the same thing to classic films? Well, the technology to add extraneous enhancements to movies exists. Just check out The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for proof. But like Pride and Prejudice, we’d need to “enhance” films in the public domain if we wanted to get away with it. Fortunately, there are hundreds of such titles (see a list at Wikipedia), some of which actually already have zombies (Night of the Living Dead, White Zombie, Revolt of the Zombies, and in a way the “scientific” film Experiments in the Revival of Organisms).

Avoiding the majority of public domain movies already consisting of horror and science fiction elements, we’ve come up with ten great classic films that would be even greater with the addition of zombies.

Battleship Potemkin (Sergei Eisenstin, 1925)

New title: Mutinous Zombies of the Battleship Potemkin

Synopsis: A Soviet cinema masterpiece, Eisenstein’s film depicts the 1905 uprising of zombies on the titular vessel against the oppressive officers of the Tsarist regime. It begins when soldiers aboard the Potemkin are forced to eat rotten, maggot-infested meat, which turns the men into mutinous zombies. Later, the city of Odessa becomes overwhelmed with undead citizens and the Tsarist military is sent in to massacre them. In the end, though, even the soldiers are converted. Other Eisenstein films, particularly October, may also appropriately receive similar special zombie editions.

The General (Clyde Bruckman and Buster Keaton, 1927)

New title: The General and the Zombies

Synopsis: Buster Keaton’s greatest silent blockbuster is kind of like the Shaun of the Dead of its time. The film begins with Keaton’s character losing his girlfriend due to his inability to prove he’s not a coward and a bum, but then by happenstance he ends up a hero and, most importantly, salvages his relationship in the process. In this special edition, Johnnie Gray still has to rescue his train (and his girlfriend) from the Union army, but now those Northern spies are zombies. Like the title character in Shaun of the Dead, Johnnie must in one new scene impersonate a zombie in order to fool them. The stone-faced Keaton is a natural for this masquerade, but of course then soldiers on his side mistake him for being a Union zombie, with hilarious consequences.

Abraham Lincoln (D.W. Griffith, 1930)

New title: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

Synopsis: Griffith’s biopic about the 16th President of the United States was filled with historical inaccuracies when first released almost 80 years ago. The main complaint? Griffith left out Lincoln’s triumphant one-man battle against a Confederate brigade made up completely of zombie soldiers (yep, the South had them, too). Now, in a special edition release timed to coincide with Honest Abe’s 200th birthday, scenes depicting that battle, as well as a new ending, in which Lincoln recommends the enslavement of zombies, because they are not technically men and therefore are not guaranteed Constitutional freedom, are included. Also, on the DVD: a bonus behind-the-scenes supplement featuring a still-undead Lincoln zombie overseeing the restoration; an exclusive look at Lincoln’s famous stovepipe hat, which he wore to keep zombies from getting at his brains. (The above image of Abe Lincoln, Zombie Hunter is from this t-shirt.)

At the Circus (Edward Buzzell, 1939)

New title: At the Zombie Circus

Synopsis: The Marx Brothers’ films were crazy enough without the addition of zombies, but this late episode from Groucho, Harpo and Chico just wasn’t anarchic enough for their fans. So, now the plot involving the stolen money has been eliminated and the film consists of the three Marx boys trying to stay alive inside a circus tent filled with zombies. There’s a strong man zombie, a dwarf zombie, and then there’s Margaret Dumont, who is so dull Groucho thinks she’s a zombie. Or maybe he just stabs her in the brain for fun?

His Girl Friday (Howard Hawks, 1940)

New title: His Girl Zombie

Synopsis: Despite the new title, Rosalind Russell is never turned into a zombie. Rather, the zombies are merely in the background, causing even more fast-paced hysterics (yes, they’re the quick sort of zombies that are all the “rage” these days). Actually, at one point Ralph Bellamy’s character is thought to be a zombie, but then it’s realized that as much as he appears to be the walking dead, he’s just too slow to be one of the zombies running around outside the courthouse. Again, His Girl Zombie has something in common with Shaun of the Dead (not to mention Twister), in that it’s another story in which a couple attempts to separate but is thrust back together during a chaotic event.

Angel and the Badman (James Edward Grant, 1947)

New title: Angel and the Badman and the Zombies

Synopsis: In this early precursor to the ‘80s Harrison Ford classic Witness Zombies, John Wayne plays a shootist and womanizer who is wounded near a Quaker family home. Brought in and nursed back to health, he attempts to tame himself after falling for a young Quaker woman. But his desire to become a pacifist is made difficult when brain-hungry zombies attack the house, and he must choose to either commit himself to the Quaker ways and “die” with his new religious society of friends, or go out and kick some zombie ass.

D.O.A. (Rudolph Mate, 1950)

New title: Z.O.A.

Synopsis: The film begins with Frank Bigelow, filmed from behind, entering a police station to report that he’s been murdered. The reason he is able to do this is not because he’s not yet died from the poison; it’s because he is a zombie, which we finally discover when the camera finally shows us his face. The film then goes to flashback and details the events that lead to Bigelow’s zombification. After the back-story is complete, the film returns to the scene in the police station, where cops proceed to shoot Bigelow in the head. His file is then marked “Z.O.A.,” meaning “zombie on arrival.”

Royal Wedding (Stanley Donen, 1951)

New title: Zombie Wedding

Synopsis: Fred Astaire and Jane Powell star as a brother and sister song and dance duo in this musical classic, which features two of Astaire’s most famous scenes. “Zombie Jumps” has him dancing first with a coat rack, then with a corpse, Weekend at Bernie’s-style. The latter of these objects ends up coming to life, a metaphor for Astaire’s famous ability to animate the inanimate. In “You’re All Zombies to Me,” Astaire playfully escapes from the zombie he’s created by dancing on the walls and ceiling of a room.

Beat the Devil (John Huston, 1953)

New title: Beat the Devil and the Zombies

Synopsis: It’s been called the first camp movie, but unfortunately it wasn’t the first camp zombie movie. That all changes now with newly added scenes in which Humphrey Bogart and a great ensemble of character actors, including Peter Lorre, must fight off zombies while killing time at an Italian port. It’s very likely that Huston and co-screenwriter Truman Capote would have no problem with this additional subplot. Anyone familiar with the background of the film knows its makers didn’t take it seriously in the least. Actually, let’s just go ahead and add zombies into every section of the film. Zombies on the boat, zombies in Africa, zombies everywhere. Heck, make Bogie a zombie due to a lack of money. After all, as his character sets it up with the line, “I’ve got to have money. Doctor’s orders are that I must have a lot of money, otherwise I become dull, listless and have trouble with my complexion.”

It’s a Wonderful Life (Frank Capra, 1946)

New title: It’s a Zombie Life

Synopsis: On Christmas Eve, George Bailey wishes he were a zombie. But before he can find another zombie to bite him, an angel comes down from Heaven and shows him what his life would be like if he were undead. Zombie George infects the whole town of Bedford Falls, all except the wealthy Mr. Potter, who manages to take over the town by enslaving and exploiting the zombified citizens. In the end, George realizes that he’s better off simply shooting himself in the head so that he can’t possibly become a zombie. (Note: It’s a Wonderful Life is actually no longer in the public domain, but we just couldn’t not include it).

10 Classic Banking Movies

2009-03-04T00:26:00.000+01:00

Bankers and investors are probably among the most hated people around right now. So why not make yourself feel a bit better and watch those financial suits go bankrupt, get robbed or reveal their homicidal tendencies hollywood style!

Credit crunch. Global recession. Whatever you call it, there’s a lot less expendable cash around right now and lots of people are very nervous about the future. More and more people are opting not to go out and spend money on theatre tickets and expensive dinners. Instead, they’re staying in with a movie and a bottle of wine.

But what movies to watch during this time of financial crisis? Given much of the blame is placed on the banks for getting us into this mess, perhaps it’s the perfect time to take stock of some of the greatest banking movies of all time. In many of these films reviewed below the people who are for the banks end up becoming figures of fun, so sit back, open your popcorn, and have a good laugh at some unlucky bankers losing loads of money.

1. Other People’s Money (1991)

Danny DeVito plays Larry the Liquidator, a super-rich, arrogant, greedy, self-centred and ruthless business man. He’s the perfect character for a comedy banking movie. As he threatens a hostile take-over of a family-run company, the patriarch of the company enlists the help of his wife’s daughter, who is a lawyer, to try and protect their interests.

Larry enjoys sparring with her legal prowess, but does also fall for her. Of course he does – this is a comedy, right? In the end he has to decide whether he’s driven most by love or money. Director: Norman Jewison Stars: Danny DeVito, Gregory Peck, Penelope Ann Miller

2. Wall Street (1987)

Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) is an ambitious Wall Street stockbroker in the 1980s. Any spare time he has is spent working an on angle with which to approach the high-powered, extremely successful broker Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas). Fox finally meets with the greedy Gekko, who takes the youth under his wing and explains his philosophy: Greed is Good.

Taking this advice and working closely with Gekko, Fox soon finds himself swept into a world of yuppies, shady business deals, fast money, and fast women - something at odds with his family values. Director: Oliver Stone Stars: Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, Michael Douglas

3. Rogue Trader (1999)

This movie charts the true story of Barings Bank clerk and ambitious wide-boy Nick Leeson. Through a series of peculiar coincidences, he finds himself in Singapore setting up the bank’s future options trading operation. To save money Barings allows Nick to operate both the floor trading and the back office facilities and forces him to employ cheap, unskilled staff. Of course, Nick breaks trading rules and secretly covers up some losses, but his initial reports back to the bank are of success.

Given more freedom, even more money and continuing unchecked, Nick makes bigger losses and again attempts to trade out of them. But after a series of huge losses and irresponsible gambling of other people’s money he manages to bankrupt the entire institution. A lesson in how not to trade. Director: James Dearden Stars: Ewan McGregor, Anna Friel

4. Boiler Room (2000)

Seth Davis (Giovanni Ribisi) is an enterprising college dropout, running his own small illegal casino. The disapproval of his domineering father leads Seth to a career change into the investment business with a bunch of cocky, young Turks who seem to be making a lot more money than they should on mysterious investments pushed through aggressive cold calling.

At the same time, he finds a relationship forming with firm secretary, Abbie (Nia Long), who as luck would have it, was also formerly pursued by his new boss, which adds to the tensions of the high pressure job and mysterious profits. Director: Ben Younger Stars: Ben Affleck, Vin Diesel, Giovani Ribisi, Nia Long

5. The Italian Job (1969)

Everyone loves a good bank robbery movie, of which the The Italian Job is quite possibly the finest and most famous.

This infamous comedy movie tells the story of an ex-con who tries to steal $4 million in gold by causing a major traffic jam in the centre of Turin.

With its mini coopers, jaguars, bus and famous one-liners, this is a true British film classic. Director: Peter Collinson Stars: Michael Caine, Noel Coward

6. Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

This true story is set in San Francisco in 1981. Christopher Gardner has big dreams for his family, but it just never seems to work out. He invests the family savings in new bone-density scanning technology – apparatus twice as expensive as x-ray with practically the same resolution.

The white elephant financially breaks the family, bringing troubles to Gardner’s relationship with his wife. Without money and wife, but totally committed with his son, Christopher sees the chance to fight for a stockbroker internship position at Dean Witter, disputing for one career in the end of six months training period without any salary with other twenty candidates. Meanwhile, homeless, he has all sorts of difficulties with his son. Does he find happiness? Director: Gabriele Muccino Stars: Will Smith, Thandie Newton, Dan Castellaneta

7. American Psycho (2000)

This isn’t necessarily a banking movie, more a movie about a banking character. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is a wealthy 26-year-old, succesful investment banker in New York. He’s well-educated, intelligent and has more money than he knows what to do with: this is a guy who couldn’t care any less about cash back credit cards.

But there’s a terrible dark side to his personality as by night he turns into a homicidal monster whose hatred for the world leads him into murderous chaos. The movie is based on a novel by Brett Easton Ellis. The graphic scenes of sex and violence in the movie are much more tame than in the original book. Director: Mary Harron Stars: Christian Bale, Reese Witherspoon, Jared Leto

8. Barbarians at the Gate (1993)

This comedy television movie tells the story of an eager tobacco business CEO who plans to buy out the rest of the shareholders in his firm. After a series of confusing deals and potential takeovers, the tenders get messier (and funnier) as the zeros keep getting added. The film follows the actual takeover of the RJR Nabisco empire in a tongue in cheek way. The film’s tagline was, aptly: after a power breakfast they’ll still eat you for lunch. Director: Glenn Jordan Stars: James Garner, Jonathan Pryce

9. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

Bonnie (small town girl) and Clyde (drifting bank robber) dream of lives that will free them from the Depression of the 1920s. The two fall in love and begin a banking crime spree from Oklahoma to Texas. They rob small banks with skill and panache, soon becoming minor celebrities known across the country.

People are proud to have been held up by Bonnie and Clyde: to their victims, the duo is doing what nobody else has the guts to do, but to the law, the two are evil bank robbers who deserve to be gunned down where they stand. An American classic. Director: Arthur Penn Stars: Warren Featty, Faye Dunnaway, Gene Hackman

10. The Bank Job (2008)

In September 1971, thieves tunneled into the vault of a bank in London’s Baker Street and looted safe deposit boxes of cash and jewelry worth over three million pounds. None of it was recovered. Nobody was ever arrested. The robbery made headlines for a few days and then disappeared - the result of a ‘D’ Notice, gagging the press. This film reveals what was hidden for the first time. The story involves murder, corruption and a sex scandal with links to the Royal Family - a story in which the thieves were the most innocent people involved.

7 Banned Classics

2009-03-04T00:25:00.000+01:00

Many people are aware that Harry Potter, The Anarchist Cookbook and Stephen King books have been banned from schools around the country, but as many civilizations have figured out, censorship is a slippery slope. It is pretty strange to consider Shakespeare has not only been banned from public schools over sexual themes, but that censored editions have been out since the 1700s.

Of the Radcliffe Publishing list of the top 100 books of the past century, almost half have been challenged by schools, many are banned in whole countries. Here’s a few banned titles that just may surprise you:

A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway

Plot: A soldier, Henry, on the Italian front meets and seduces a young woman, Catherine. Their relationship continues as he heals a knee that was injured in battle. By the time his knee is fully healed, Catherine is three months pregnant. Unfortunately, Henry has to return to the war and the Germans break through the Italian lines. The Italians charge the soldiers for treachery for letting the Germans defeat them. Henry escapes during another officer’s execution and runs away to Switzerland with Catherine. They live happily until Catherine gives birth to a stillborn and then dies in labor.

Where it’s been banned: Published in 1929, this novel caused trouble immediately. Boston banned the magazine it was originally published in, claiming the story was too sexual. Italy banned the book because of its portrayal of the army’s retreat from Caporatto. The Nazis burned the book in 1933. In 1939, Ireland banned the novel. In modern America, plenty of school districts have banned the publication for sexual content.

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Plot: The book’s plot uses the same story line as Tarzan. A couple of civilized people, Bernard and Lenina, enter a primitive society and bring a “savage” back into their modern society. The difference here is that these “civilized people” live in a futuristic world filled with castes, happy drugs, sex without reproduction and euthanasia. Love, sadness and families have become obsolete, as well as self-expression and exploration.

The Tarzan in this piece is the son, John, of an ex-civilized woman who now lives with the “savages.” John was raised with family, love and Shakespeare. When they return to the city, John becomes a spectacle for society types and even Lenina starts finding him interesting. John begins falling in love with Lenina even as he is disgusted with the modern world and her role in it. John finds he cannot escape this world and eventually kills himself to discontinue playing his role as a tourist spectacle.

Where it’s been banned: This text is one of the most frequently banned books in literary history. It was banned in Ireland the year it was published, 1932. Multiple school districts have restricted access to this book because the atheistic people in the futuristic society it depicts take drugs and have promiscuous sex to avoid emotional connections. There are a lot of people who try to compare this book to our modern society, but if that was accurate, would we still be banning it from school?

Catcher In the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Plot: A teenage boy, Holden Caulfield, runs away to New York after being expelled from reform school. The book is a first person narrative and over the course of the story, you learn about his brother’s passing and how that has affected his present state of mind. Throughout his adventure, he drinks, smokes, hits on adult women, gets beaten up by a pimp, is hit on by a past teacher and deals with many other activities that a teen shouldn’t be going through. He constantly complains about other people his age, calling them “phony” or stupid. The novel explores Holden’s psychological need to grow up after his brother’s death. It also does an excellent job depicting his desire to protect young children from becoming adults.

Where it’s been banned: In 1960, a teacher was fired from her job for requiring her eleventh grade class to read the book. Between 1961 and 1962, it was the most censored book in high schools and colleges. This novel has been banned in schools throughout America for being anti-white, blasphemous, profane, racist and overtly sexual. How anything can be racist and anti-white, I don’t know.

Update: I meant this statement as how the book can be racist against both blacks and whites at the same time, which is what the people condemning the book seemed to imply. Personally, I don’t think you can be racist against your self and persons of other races at the same time, I think it makes you more of a person hater than a racist. Although I’m sure many readers would still like to disagree with this.

Completely unrelated but interesting: many murderers read Catcher In The Rye shortly before committing their crimes.

Fanny Hill or Memoirs of A Woman of Pleasure, John Cleland

Plot: Considered to be the first modern erotic novel, there are quite a few naughty bits in this book, if you want to read a bit, there’s an excerpt on the Wikipedia page. The story revolves around a young country girl who must leave her village due to poverty. She is forced to work at a brothel, but escapes with her true love before she loses her virginity. When her love is forced to leave the country, she has to take on a variety of male “acquaintances” in order to survive.

Where it’s been banned: This book was monumental to both English and American obscenity standards. A year after the book was released, John Cleland and the publisher were both arrested and charged with “corrupting the king’s subjects.” They subsequently stopped publishing the novel, but it still managed to become popular thanks to pirated editions circulating the country. Cleland attempted to clean up the book and republished it in 1750, but he was arrested again, although this time the charges were dropped. The book continued to be published underground and in 1963 there was an obscenity trial against a book seller carrying the novel. Although the defense lost, it helped to shift public opinion about obscenity laws in Britain. In 1970, the unabridged book was legally published for the first time.

Over in the states, the book was banned for obscenity in 1821. In 1963, a publisher tried to re-release the book under the title John Cleland’s Memoirs of A Woman of Pleasure. The book was also banned under this title, but the publisher, G.B. Putnam, challenged the ban. The Supreme Court ruled the novel did not meet the standards for obscenity. This was the last book to be banned by the US federal government.

Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

Plot: Set in 1930, it tells the tale of a Tom Joad, a recently paroled murderer, and his family of farmers. The group is forced to leave their home in Oklahoma that has fallen victim to the dust bowl storms. They hope to find better luck in California, though on their way out West, they constantly run into other families hoping for the same luck.

When they get to California, they find the farmers have bound together to exploit the massive amount of laborers offering their services. When workers begin to unionize, the Joads work as strike breakers and end up involved with a bloody strike, forcing Tom Joad to kill again. In the end, practically all of the family’s actions prove to be pointless as they are starving and homeless in California.

Where it’s been banned: Published in 1939, this Steinbeck story caused an uproar as soon as it was released. These days, the book seems to be fairly mild, with a few references to sex and some minor curse words, but the book was quite racy for its day. Kern county was one of the first places to ban the novel as they were insulted by how Steinbeck depicted their citizens. It was immediately burned by the East St. Louis library, banned from Buffalo, New York and Kansas City. Since then, it’s been banned in many high schools -mostly for bad language. A parent in Burlington, North Carolina said, “book is full of filth. My son is being raised in a Christian home and this book takes the Lord’s name in vain and has all kinds of profanity in it.”

Internationally, the book has had trouble too. In 1953, Ireland deemed the book obscene and banned it. In 1973, eleven publishers in Turkey were charged for “spreading propaganda unfavorable to the state.”

Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence

Plot: Lady Chatterley’s husband has become paralyzed and impotent. She struggles to remain faithful to him, but ends up having an affair with the gamekeeper. The novel covers her struggle to live only mentally, although she proves to need physical stimulation as well.

Where it’s been banned: The Penguin Books 1960 British publication of Lady Chatterley’s Lover was one of the first novels tried under England’s 1959 obscenity law. This law gave publishers the right to release racy books, as long as the work was of literary merit. Penguin was found not guilty and the novel was legally available in England for the first time. The trial was later turned into a BBC show known as “The Chatterley Affair.”

Conversely, Australia not only found the book to be legally obscene, but also banned publication of a book depicting the British trial called The Trial of Lady Chatterley. A copy of the book was smuggled into the country anyway and published underground. Many people read the book and it eventually led to lesser censorship of books in the country.

Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov

Plot: Humbert Humbert, is invited to move in with a woman who wants to sleep with him. He is about to say no, when he sees her 12 year old daughter, Lolita, playing in the yard. The woman discovers his ulterior motive and plans to send Lolita to boarding school but she is hit and killed by a car. Humbert tries to drug the Lolita to have his way with her, but she instead seduces him.

Humbert becomes Lolita’s guardian and falls in love with her although she has very little interest in him. She escapes his guardianship by making plans with another pedophile. Humbert tries to find Lolita and her abductor, but gets nowhere. Two years later, a married and pregnant Lolita contacts him requesting money. He brings her money and tries to get her to leave with him. She refuses. She does, however, give him information on her abductor and Humbert tracks down the man and kills him. Humbert goes to jail, where he writes a novel called Lolita.

Where it’s been banned: The book was released in 1955 and received little attention until author Graham Greene sang its praises in an interview with The London Times. After reading the statement, the editor of the Sunday Express replied that the book was “sheer, unrestrained pornography.” That’s when the book was banned in Britain and all imported copies were ordered to be seized by the customs department. By December 1956, France followed suit, although both countries repealed the ban in 1959. Argentina and New Zealand both banned the book in the following years.

Surprisingly, the book wasn’t criticized as much in America, in fact, in its first three weeks available it sold over 100,000 copies.

10 Most Bizarre Arrests

2009-03-04T00:24:00.000+01:00

Dumb and Dumber: Bandits rob a bank, pose with loot, get arrested

Grinning stupidly for the camera and brandishing the proceeds of their ham-fisted raid, two Australian bank robbers demonstrate why they earned themselves the nicknames "Dumb and Dumber." Anthony Prince, 20, and Luke Carroll, 19, were jailed last month after pleading guilty to the bungled raid on a bank in Vail, Colorado. Carroll got five years in a tough US prison and Prince 4½. Federal prosecutors have released photos the pair took of each other joking in the toilets of a McDonald's shortly after stealing $170,000 in cash and terrorising bank tellers with fake pistols. They were captured the next day after leaving a trail of clues, which investigators said made their job laughably easy. Prince and Carroll had been regular customers at the bank and although they were wearing masks, the tellers recognised their broad Australian accents.

The Goat who got arrested for armed robbery

A vigilante group in Ilorin, Nigeria apprehended a group of would-be car thieves, including one man who "turned himself" into a goat. The mysterious goat, according to the Police Public Relations Officer, Mr. Tunde Mohammed, while briefing bewildered journalists at the Force headquarters, is an armed robber who attempted to snatch the said car, and later "transformed" into the goat in a bid to escape arrest. "While one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned his back on the wall and turned to this goat. They quickly grabbed the goat and here it is." Mohammed said. The police spokesman said the goat "armed robbery suspect" will not be left off the hook until investigations into the case are concluded.

The 88-year-old Grandma who got arrested for not returning a kid's ball

Edna Jester, an 88-year-old grandmother, was arrested by the police last October 2008, when she refused to return a neighborhood boy's football that had landed in her front yard. A frustrated Edna took the football last Thursday evening after it landed, once again, in the yard of her Blue Ash home, where she has lived since April 1949. When Jester refused to return the football, neighbor Paul Tanis, 40, called the cops. Though police warned that she would be arrested unless she returned the football, Jester refused, according to the below Blue Ash Police Department report. The petty theft bust was the first arrest for Jester, who has been widowed for about ten years.

The Man who got caught having sex with a picnic table

In March 2008, Art Price Jr. was arrested after a witness observed him turn over a metal picnic table and performe a sex act upon it. This is the latest occurrence of Mr. Price engaging in sex with furniture. On four other occasions neighbors had witnessed Mr. Price copulating with other outdoor furniture. Price faces up to four charges of public indecency.

The Man who got arrested for shouting naked at trees

Dieter Braun, 43, from Recklinghausen said the stress "release" technique had worked perfectly until he was arrested. It was his marriage guidance counsellor who advised him to run around naked shouting at trees. "For me it's a type of relaxation therapy" he said. "Feeling the breeze on my naked skin really calms me down." But local police said other visitors to the forest did not find his behaviour relaxing and have now charged him with causing a public nuisance.

The Boy who got arrested for opening his Xmas gift too early

A South Carolina boy, 12, was arrested on December 2006 after his mother called police to report that he had unwrapped a Christmas present without her permission. According to a Rock Hill Police Department report, the child opened a Nintendo Game Boy, though he had been directed not to by family members. When the boy's mother learned that the $85 gift had been opened, she called cops, who charged the juvenile with petty larceny. In an interview with The Herald newspaper, the boy's mother, a 27-year-old single parent, described her son as a disruptive child, noting that she hoped his arrest would serve as a corrective to disorderly behavior at school and home.

The Deaf man who got arrested for swearing at police in sign language

Balraj Gill, 31, who is deaf without speech, was arrested by police after he swore at them in sign language- and although he made no sound, he has admitted breaching the peace. Officers had taken Gill back to a hostel where he was supposed to be staying but until a worker translated his sign language for them, they had no idea what he was trying to say. The worker told officers every swear word Gill had signed at them. A police officer told reporters: "The officers could tell he was angry, but didn't know what he was saying. I suppose he's unlucky hostel staff were on hand to translate."

The Woman who got arrested for selling pierced cats

Holly Crawford, 34, pierced black kittens in the ear, neck and tail and then marketed them as "gothic" over the internet before she was charged with animal cruelty. She was trying to sell the kittens online for hundreds of dollars, PETA said. The Pennsylvanian woman said she didn't see the difference between piercing a cat or human, and pleaded not guilty.

The Man who got arrested for farting at policeman

Jose Cruz, 34, was arrested on September 2008 and charged with assault after he allegedly broke wind on a police officer. Police say they were fingerprinting Cruz, when he moved near Patrolman T.E. Parsons, lifted his leg and passed gas "loudly" on the officer. Cruz then allegedly waved the air in the direction of Parsons, who was preparing a breath test machine at South Charleston police HQ, West Virginia.

The Man who got arrested for having sex with street signs

Police in Sioux Falls South Dakota arrested 60 year old Verle Peter Dills after catching him performing various sex on a traffic sign in another residents yard. After searching his home, police found a “large amount” of videos showing Dills having sex with various traffic signs. Dills has been charged with burglary, unlawful occupancy, and six counts of public indecency.

100 Things You Can Make Yourself

2009-03-04T00:23:00.002+01:00

Convenience is certainly…well…convenient. Take a trip to just about any type of store and notice how everything is packaged and prepared. It seems the more we advance, the more stuff is done for us. I don’t mind letting someone else do all the work for me, the problem is of course, that convenience is expensive and we’re getting really lazy. I started thinking about all the things we can make ourselves if we put forth a little effort and found lots of cool instructions online.

My fellow cheapskates, I give you:

100 Things You can Make Yourself

Top 10 Bizarre Phobias

2009-03-04T00:23:00.001+01:00

From Wikipedia: “A phobia is an irrational, persistent fear of certain situations, objects, activities, or persons. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. When the fear is beyond one’s control, or if the fear is interfering with daily life, then a diagnosis under one of the anxiety disorders can be made.” Here are the top 10 Bizarre phobias!

1. Ithyphallophobia - Fear of Erections [Answers.com]

Defined as “a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of an erect penis”, each year this surprisingly common phobia causes countless people needless distress. To add insult to an already distressing condition, most fear of erection therapies take months or years and sometimes even require the patient to be exposed repeatedly to their fear. Known by a number of names - Medorthophobia, Phallophobia, Ithyphallophobia, and Fear of an Erect Penis being the most common - the problem often significantly impacts the quality of life. It can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates.

2. Ephebophobia - Fear of Youths [Wikipedia]

The psychological and social fear of youth. The effects of ephebiphobia appear to cause damage throughout society. At least one major economist has proposed that the fear of youth can have grave effects on the economic health of nations. Coinage is attributed to a 1994 article by Kirk Astroth published in Phi Delta Kappan. Today, common usage occurs internationally by sociologists, government agencies, and youth advocacy organizations that define ephebiphobia as an abnormal or irrational and persistent fear and/or loathing of teenagers or adolescence.

3. Coulrophobia - Fear of Clowns [Wikipedia]

Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. It is not uncommon among children, but is also sometimes found in teenagers and adults as well. Sufferers sometimes acquire a fear of clowns after having a bad experience with one personally, or seeing a sinister portrayal of one in the media. The weird appearance of the clowns, swollen red noses and unnatural hair colors makes these persons look so mysterious and treacherous. Adults who are victims of coulrophobia know what they fear is completely irrational and illogical, but they can’t escape the circumstance.

4. Ergasiophobia - Fear of Work [Wikipedia]

Ergasiophobia can be a persistent and debilitating disorder in some people, causing significant psychological disability and dysfunction. These individuals may actually be suffering from an underlying mental health problem such as depression or Attention Deficit Disorder.

5. Gymnophobia - Fear of Nudity [Wikipedia]

Gymnophobia is a fear or anxiety about being seen naked, and/or about seeing others naked, even in situations where it is socially acceptable. Gymnophobes may experience their fear of nudity before all people, or only certain people, and may regard their fear as irrational. This phobia often arises from a feeling of inadequacy that their bodies are physically inferior, particularly due to comparison with idealized images portrayed in the media. The fear may also stem from anxiety about sexuality in general, or from a persistent feeling of vulnerability associated with the thought that those who have seen the gymnophobe naked will continue to imagine the gymnophobe nude.

6. Neophobia - Fear of Newness [Wikipedia]

Neophobia is the fear of new things or experiences. It is also called cainotophobia. In psychology, neophobia is defined as the persistent and abnormal fear of anything new. In its milder form, it can manifest as the unwillingness to try new things or break from routine. The term is also used to describe anger, frustration or trepidation toward new things and toward change in general. Some conservative and reactionary groups are often described as neophobic, in their attempts to preserve traditions or revert society to a perceived past form. Technophobia can be seen as a specialized form of neophobia, by fearing new technology.

7. Paraskavedekatriaphobia - Fear of Friday the 13th [Wikipedia]

A Friday occurring on the 13th day of any month is considered to be a day of bad luck in English, German, Polish, Bulgarian and Portuguese-speaking cultures around the globe. The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia, a word that is derived from the concatenation of the Greek words Παρασκευή, δεκατρείς, and φοβία, meaning Friday, thirteen, and phobia respectively; alternative spellings include paskevodekatriaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia, and is a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.

8. Panphobia - Fear of Everything [Wikipedia]

Panphobia, also called omniphobia, Pantophobia or Panophobia, is a medical condition known as a “non-specific fear”; the sufferer finds themselves in a state of fear but with no known target, and therefore no easy remedy. It has been described as “a vague and persistent dread of some unknown evil”. This fear is often seen as a secondary condition to schizophrenia.

9. Taphophobia - Fear of being Buried Alive [Wikipedia]

Fear of being buried alive is the fear of being placed in a grave while still alive as a result of being incorrectly pronounced dead. The abnormal, psychopathological version of this fear is referred to as taphophobia. Before the advent of modern medicine the fear was not entirely irrational. Throughout history there have been numerous cases of people being accidentally buried alive.

10. Pteronophobia - Fear of being Tickled by Feathers [Wikipedia]

Pteronophobia is the irrational fear of being tickled by feathers. Certain childhood events, such as tickling a baby, can lead to this fear as the child may feel trapped. It is related to the fear of tickling.

Bonus: Luposlipaphobia

The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor. This is actually a fictional phobia which was created by Gary Larson - author of the Far Side comics.

Top 10 Inventions of the Middle Ages

2009-03-04T00:22:00.000+01:00

The middle ages (5th - 15th Centuries AD), often termed The Dark Ages, were actually a time of great discovery and invention. The Middle ages also saw major advances in technologies that already existed, and the adoption of many Eastern technologies in the West. This is a list of the ten greatest inventions of the Middle Ages (excluding military inventions).

1. The Heavy Plough 5th Century AD

In the basic mouldboard plough the depth of the cut is adjusted by lifting against the runner in the furrow, which limited the weight of the plough to what the ploughman could easily lift.

These ploughs were fairly fragile, and were unsuitable for breaking up the heavier soils of northern Europe. The introduction of wheels to replace the runner allowed the weight of the plough to increase, and in turn allowed the use of a much larger mouldboard that was faced with metal.

These heavy ploughs led to greater food production and eventually a significant population increase around 600 AD.

2. Tidal Mills 7th Century AD

A tide mill is a specialist type of water mill driven by tidal rise and fall. A dam with a sluice is created across a suitable tidal inlet, or a section of river estuary is made into a reservoir.

As the tide comes in, it enters the mill pond through a one way gate, and this gate closes automatically when the tide begins to fall. When the tide is low enough, the stored water can be released to turn a water wheel.

The earliest excavated tide mill, dating from 787, is the Nendrum Monastery mill on an island in Strangford Lough in Northern Ireland. Its millstones are 830mm in diameter and the horizontal wheel is estimated to have developed 7/8HP at its peak.

Remains of an earlier mill dated at 619 were also found.

3. The Hourglass 9th Century AD

Since the hourglass was one of the few reliable methods of measuring time at sea, it has been speculated that it was in use as far back as the 11th century, where it would have complemented the magnetic compass as an aid to navigation.

However, it is not until the 14th century that evidence of their existence was found, appearing in a painting by Ambrogio Lorenzetti 1328. The earliest written records come from the same period and appear in lists of ships stores.

From the 15th century onwards they were being used in a wide range of applications at sea, in the church, in industry and in cookery. They were the first dependable, reusable and reasonably accurate measure of time.

During the voyage of Ferdinand Magellan around the globe, his vessels kept 18 hourglasses per ship. It was the job of a ship’s page to turn the hourglasses and thus provide the times for the ship’s log. Noon was the reference time for navigation, which did not depend on the glass, as the sun would be at its zenith.

4. Blast Furnace 12th Century AD

The oldest known blast furnaces in the West were built in Dürstel in Switzerland, the Märkische Sauerland in Germany, and Sweden at Lapphyttan where the complex was active between 1150 and 1350.

At Noraskog in the Swedish county of Järnboås there have also been found traces of blast furnaces dated even earlier, possibly to around 1100. Knowledge of certain technological advances was transmitted as a result of the General Chapter of the Cistercian monks, including the blast furnace, as the Cistercians are known to have been skilled metallurgists.

According to Jean Gimpel, their high level of industrial technology facilitated the diffusion of new techniques: “Every monastery had a model factory, often as large as the church and only several feet away, and waterpower drove the machinery of the various industries located on its floor.” Iron ore deposits were often donated to the monks along with forges to extract the iron, and within time surpluses were being offered for sale.

The Cistercians became the leading iron producers in Champagne, France, from the mid-13th century to the 17th century, also using the phosphate-rich slag from their furnaces as an agricultural fertilizer.

5. Liquor 12th Century AD

The first evidence of true distillation comes from Babylonia and dates from the fourth millennium BC.

Specially shaped clay pots were used to extract small amounts of distilled alcohol through natural cooling for use in perfumes, however it is unlikely this device ever played a meaningful role in the history of the development of the still. Freeze distillation, the “Mongolian still”, are known to have been in use in Central Asia as early as the 7th century AD.

The first method involves freezing the alcoholic beverage and removing water crystals.

The development of the still with cooled collector—necessary for the efficient distillation of spirits without freezing—was an invention of Muslim alchemists in the 8th or 9th centuries.

In particular, Geber (Jabir Ibn Hayyan, 721–815) invented the alembic still; he observed that heated wine from this still released a flammable vapor, which he described as “of little use, but of great importance to science”

6. Eyeglasses 13th Century

In 1268 Roger Bacon made the earliest recorded comment on the use of lenses for optical purposes, but magnifying lenses inserted in frames were used for reading both in Europe and China at this time, and it is a matter of controversy whether the West learned from the East or vice versa.

In Europe eyeglasses first appeared in Italy, their introduction being attributed to Alessandro di Spina of Florence.

The first portrait to show eyeglasses is that of Hugh of Provence by Tommaso da Modena, painted in 1352. In 1480 Domenico Ghirlandaio painted St. Jerome at a desk from which dangled eyeglasses; as a result, St. Jerome became the patron saint of the spectacle-makers’ guild.

The earliest glasses had convex lenses to aid farsightedness.

A concave lens for myopia, or nearsightedness, is first evident in the portrait of Pope Leo X painted by Raphael in 1517.

7. The Mechanical Clock 13th Century AD

The origin of the all-mechanical escapement clock is unknown; the first such devices may have been invented and used in monasteries to toll a bell that called the monks to prayers.

The first mechanical clocks to which clear references exist were large, weight-driven machines fitted into towers and known today as turret clocks.

These early devices struck only the hours and did not have hands or a dial. The oldest surviving clock in England is that at Salisbury Cathedral, which dates from 1386.

A clock erected at Rouen, France, in 1389 is still extant (photo above), and one built for Wells Cathedral in England is preserved in the Science Museum in London.

8. Spinning Wheel 13th Century AD

The spinning wheel was probably invented in India, though its origins are obscure. It reached Europe via the Middle East in the European Middle Ages.

It replaced the earlier method of hand spinning, in which the individual fibres were drawn out of a mass of wool held on a stick, or distaff, twisted together to form a continuous strand, and wound on a second stick, or spindle.

The first stage in mechanizing the process was to mount the spindle horizontally in bearings so that it could be rotated by a cord encircling a large, hand-driven wheel. The distaff, carrying the mass of fibre, was held in the left hand, and the wheel slowly turned with the right.

Holding the fibre at an angle to the spindle produced the necessary twist.

9. Quarantine 14th Century AD

In the 14th century the growth of maritime trade and the recognition that plague was introduced by ships returning from the Levant led to the adoption of quarantine in Venice.

It was decreed that ships were to be isolated for a limited period to allow for the manifestation of the disease and to dissipate the infection brought by persons and goods. Originally the period was 30 days, trentina, but this was later extended to 40 days, quarantina.

The choice of this period is said to be based on the period that Christ and Moses spent in isolation in the desert.

In 1423 Venice set up its first lazaretto, or quarantine station, on an island near the city.

The Venetian system became the model for other European countries and the basis for widespread quarantine control for several centuries.

10. The Printing Press of Gutenberg 15th Century AD

Although movable type, as well as paper, first appeared in China, it was in Europe that printing first became mechanized.

The earliest mention of a printing press is in a lawsuit in Strasbourg in 1439 revealing construction of a press for Johannes Gutenberg and his associates. (Scant evidence exists to support claims of Laurens Janszoon Coster as the inventor of printing.) The invention of the printing press itself obviously owed much to the medieval paper press, in turn modeled after the ancient wine-and-olive press of the Mediterranean area.

A long handle was used to turn a heavy wooden screw, exerting downward pressure against the paper, which was laid over the type mounted on a wooden platen. In its essentials, the wooden press reigned supreme for more than 300 years, with a hardly varying rate of 250 sheets per hour printed on one side.

5 Creepiest Urban Legends (That Happen to be True)

2009-03-04T00:21:00.002+01:00

The best creepy campfire stories are always the ones that end with the words, "...And it’s all true, because I have the damned documentation here to prove it!"

In that spirit, we've tracked down five of the creepiest tales and urban legends that really happened to real people, proving once and for all that nothing is more terrifying than everyday life.

The Dead Body Under Your Freaking Matress

The Legend:
A couple checks into a hotel and have to put up with a foul odor in their room all night. They call the staff to complain and somebody figures out the stench is coming from the bed.

Now, there's no way that scenario is going to have a good ending. You're almost hoping at that point that it'll turn out the last guest just got drunk and pooped behind the headboard. But, no, the staff take off the matress and discover the couple has been sleeping over the rotting body of a dead girl who had been stuffed in the box spring.

The Truth:
This actually happened, in Las Vegas. Also, Kansas City, MO and Atlantic City, NJ and several times in Florida and California and, well, let's just say that in or under the bed in a hotel room seems to be a fairly popular destination for the recently deceased.

It makes sense if you think about it. The closet and under the bed are the two most popular places to hide just about anything, so it's not surprising a hell of a lot of corpses end up there as well. In fact, the odds are pretty good that at least once a guy has killed a prostitute, tried to stuff her under the bed, only to find there was already a body there.

The strangest part isn't that the bodies wind up in such a terrible hiding place (killers often aren't the type to plan ahead). No, the strange thing is that in almost every story people will sleep part of, or in many cases, the entire night, on top of the corpse before reporting it.

Most people we know will complain if they detect that someone might have smoked a cigarette in their room four months ago. Not these people, they slept inches above an oozing heap of rotting human flesh rather than inconvenience the hotel management by asking for a new room.

Or, at least we hope sleeping is all they did on that bed. Oh, man, can you imagine dying and then the first thing that happens is some middle age couple starts porking over you? Ew.

Hopefully they at least got a free continental breakfast out of the ordeal.

The Funhouse Mummy

The Myth:
A prop at a carnival was discovered not to be made of the usual combination of papier mache and carni spit, but human skin and bone. All the little kiddies at the haunted house had been poking and giggling at a real, mummified dead body.

The Truth:
Apparently the smell wasn’t just coming from the convict manning the corndog stand. Back in 1976, a camera crew filming an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man began to set up in the haunted house at the Nu-Pike Amusement Park in Long Beach, Calif.

As they were moving aside a "hanging man" prop, they accidentally knocked off its arm and discovered human bones inside. Bionic, this poor sap wasn’t.

The story gets stranger. The body was actually that of criminal mastermind Elmer McCurdy, who was killed in a shootout after robbing a train in 1911. The princely sum old Elmer got killed for? $46 (and two jugs of whiskey).

McCurdy was embalmed by the local undertaker, and apparently the guy was so darn pleased with his work that he propped up the corpse in the funeral home as evidence of his skills.

People were charged 5 cents to see the corpse, which they paid by dropping a nickel in the cadaver’s mouth.

Remember that little bit of history the next time somebody turns their nose up at you for liking Hostel 2.

Think it can’t get any stranger? Oh, you naïve fool.

After several years of raking in the nickels (how exactly these coins were retrieved after being dropped into the corpse’s mouth is something probably best left to the imagination) our enterprising undertaker’s scheme was ruined when McCurdy's brothers showed up to claim him.

Of course, these guys weren’t his brothers at all, but wily carnival promoters.

From that point on, McCurdy’s mummy went on a morbid mystery tour all around America, popping up at carnivals all over the country before finally coming to rest in Long Beach.

McCurdy is now buried in Oklahoma. Because McCurdy apparently had the most entertaining corpse in history, they prevented anyone else from taking him on tour by dumping concrete on top of the casket. No, really.

The Curiously Realistic Decoration

The Legend:
What was thought to be your typically charming Halloween decoration depicting a lynched woman hanging from a tree, turns out to be a genuine suicide.

The Truth:
In the town of Frederica, Delaware, a 42-year-old woman, perhaps distraught by the fact that she lived in Delaware, hung herself from a tree near a busy road on a Tuesday night.

The body managed to hang there until the next day and was viewed by many unwitting (or perhaps retarded) spectators before somebody realized it wasn't a decoration and finally called the police.

Once again it's the lack of complaints from passers-by that amaze us.

Even if the hanging thing wasn't a body, it was something that looked exactly like one and would be considered an extremely distasteful Halloween decoration (unless she put on a wacky witch's costume before doing the deed).

With the political correctness these days, you'd have expected two special city council meetings and 30 letters to the editor within the first ten minutes of someone seeing it.

We can't help but wonder, if the person who eventually called the police hadn't bothered, how much longer would the body have hung there?

This happened five days before Halloween. Add five days of decomposition to the equation and suddenly you have something a whole lot more terrifying.

Also, did the woman plan this? She knew what time of year it was, and intentionally hung herself in a public place.

Did she want her corpse to blend in with the bed sheet ghosts and stuffed witches around the neighborhood?

If so, it sounds like she may have been a fascinating person.

A Halloween Stunt Goes Wrong in the Least Surprising Way Possible

The Legend:
A teenager manages to provide the Halloween show he’s in with the ultimate finale when, while pretending to hang himself in front of the audience, he actually hangs himself.

The Truth:
While the fine citizens of Frederica we discussed were perhaps a bit slow on the uptake, the people involved in this hanging-related legend are on the dipshit honor roll. Mainly because it's happened more than once.

Yes, people have repeatedly tried to pull off an imitation hanging for a Halloween show, forgot to include the "imitation" part and went ahead and accidentally killed themselves. Yes, they were pretty much all teenage males.

In one instance, an entire working gallows was built for a show, with the "victim" secured by a harness so that he’d stop just short of actually being hung (take a wild guess how that turned out).

Now we’re just thinking aloud here, but if we were standing on a gallows, fake or not, with a rope around our necks, we’d want to take a few precautions.

For example, and again just blue-skying, maybe don’t use a real rope that is tied into a real noose that is wrapped around your real neck in a way that could really kill you.

Perhaps the saddest thing about the story was how completely unnecessary the whole thing was. Here’s a tip for anyone trying to thrill kids on Halloween in the future: You don’t need to hang yourself.

Just give out full-sized chocolate bars instead of those not-so-fun "fun-sized" ones.

We can guarantee the tykes will be talking about the house that gave out full-sized Snickers bars long after some life-risking stunt was forgotten.

Buried Alive

The Legend: Some poor schmuck is committed to his or her eternal resting place, even though they aren’t quite ready to take that final dirt nap. Scratch marks are later found on the coffin lid along with other desperate signs of escape.

The Truth:
This not only happened, but back in the day it happened with alarming regularity.

In the late 19th century, William Tebb tried to compile all the instances of premature burial from medical sources of the day.

He managed to collect 219 cases of near-premature burial, 149 cases of actual premature burial and a dozen cases where dissection or embalming had begun on a not-yet-deceased body.

Now, this may seem ridiculous, but keep in mind this was an era before doctors such as the esteemed Dr. Gregory House gained the ability to solve any ailment within 42 minutes.

If you went to the doctor with the flu in those days, he’d likely cover you in leeches and prescribe you heroin to suppress your cough.

Their only method for determining if a person had died was to lean over their face and scream "WAKE UP" over and over again. If you didn't react, they buried you.

The concern over being buried alive back then was so real that the must-have hot-ticket item for the wealthy and paranoid were "safety coffins" that allowed those inside to signal to the outside world (usually by ringing a bell or raising some type of flag) should they awake 6-feet under.

Though, answering that bell sounds like a good way to get ambushed by a zombie if you ask us.

Unfortunately safety coffins aren’t in vogue anymore, so if you’re at the cemetery and hear a muffled voice calling out "OK guys, joke’s over. Let me out!" it might be a good idea to inform someone with a shovel quickly.

Of course, that last sentence was merely facetious, there’s no way something like this could still happen today. Uh, well, except for this story about a Venezuelan man waking up during his autopsy.

On second thought, you might want to consider adding a line in your will that states you’re to be buried with a gas-powered auger in your casket when you go.

The 25 Most Bizarre Travel Insurance Claims Ever

2009-03-04T00:21:00.001+01:00

What links a tourist who lost 84 kilograms of Bombay mix on holiday with another who had his camera stolen by a monkey? Both are among the more unusual claims received by travel insurance companies. Times Money has trawled through the files of some of the UK’s biggest insurers to bring you the 25 most bizarre travel insurance claims ever. Here they are...

1. One thing you don’t expect when you go on holiday is to be harassed by a monkey. One British traveller in Gibraltar, however, was so besieged by the attentions of an over-friendly primate that he asked his insurer to refund the cost of his trip. The insurer refused but did pay out for his camera, which the monkey had run off with one evening.

2. Monkeys also blighted the romantic getaway of a couple in Malaysia, who foolishly left the window to their chalet open during the day. They returned to find their underwear, clothing and belongings strewn across the resort and neighbouring rainforest. Luckily for the clothes-less couple, their insurer paid the claim.

3. One unlucky pensioner managed to lose his false teeth after throwing up over the side of a cruise ship on the choppy seas of the Bay of Biscay. Thankfully for the squeamish septuagenarian, his misplaced dentures were covered in his travel insurance policy under lost baggage, so his claim was paid.

4. Another unfortunate pensioner had to make an even more embarrassing travel claim after a stroll on the deck of a cruise ship went disastrously wrong. The poor gentlemen was chatting with friends when a strong gust of wind lifted his toupee off his head and blew it into the sea. He never got over the shame but at least his travel policy reimbursed the cost of his hairpiece.

5. It is all too easy to lose your sunglasses, or even your passport, on holiday. Less easy, you might think, to misplace 34 large bags of Bombay mix. Yet one holidaymaker claimed he had lost £300-worth of the spicy snack while in Europe. At roughly 89p for a 250g bag, the misplaced mix would have weighed a hefty 84 kilograms. Needless to say, his insurance company turned him down.

6. It is a good idea to keep your wallet secure at all times when you are away, as one careless Briton discovered to his cost in Israel. The holidaymaker accidentally dropped his wallet down a drain in Natanya. However, his claim wasn’t for his lost credit cards or cash. It was for hospital treatment after being stung by a poisonous scorpion while reaching down into the drain to get his possessions back. Thankfully, his travel insurance covered the cost of treatment.

7. A holidaymaker in Spain lost his camera after setting it down beside him on a park bench. The strap, hanging tantalisingly down over the edge of the seat, caught the attention of a passing dog, which grabbed it and ran off with the camera. His insurer paid for a new camera under accidental damage.

8. One family camping in a remote field in Wales had their peace disturbed when a parachutist from a nearby airbase missed his target and scored a direct hit, landing on their tent and destroying their camping equipment. Sadly, the family weren’t covered for accidental damage so their insurer didn’t reimburse them.

9. It’s every parent’s nightmare. Your children are playing on the beach and they think it would be fun to bury your camcorder worth £600. Thankfully, when this happened to a family in Cornwall, their insurer saw the funny side and refunded the cost.

10. Police in a holiday resort in France were on the lookout for a wrinkle-free burglar after a woman who had her cosmetics bag stolen from her hotel room admitted that she had transferred medical-strength haemorrhoid cream into an empty tub of moisturiser earlier in the holiday. Her claim for make-up, lotions and perfume was paid.

11. A holidaymaker who was refused entry to a plane at Manchester Airport had his travel-insurance claim for holiday cancellation declined after it emerged that he had actually booked a flight from Manchester, New Hampshire, USA.

12. Mis-reading your flight details is easy to do, usually necessitating a frantic rush to the departure gate. But one family that turned up late for their flight had no such panic. Their plane had departed the previous month. They were denied compensation from their travel insurer.

13. A holidaymaker who arrived in a ski resort only to find that there was not enough snow, claimed for the cost of the brand new skis she had bought before leaving the UK. Unsurprisingly, the insurer rejected her claim.

14. A man walking along the street in Greece became so transfixed by two bikini-clad girls that he walked straight into a glass-panelled bus shelter and broke his nose. He successfully claimed on his travel insurance for his hospital bills.

15. The fairytale wedding day for a British couple on a West Indian beach went up in smoke after the bride’s dress caught fire from a brick of coal that fell from the BBQ. The quick-thinking groom picked up his now blazing bride, ran along the beach and tossed her into the ocean. They were able to claim on their travel insurance policy for the ruined wedding outfits as they had taken out wedding cover before jetting off.

16. Another couple stayed in a Parisian hotel room infested with fleas. After two days of itching and scratching, the pair cut their trip short and returned home, where they hastily burnt all their clothes on a bonfire. However, their claims for replacement wardrobe were rejected.

17. A traveller who lost his bag on holiday claimed only for its contents: a bottle of water, a newspaper and a packet of mints. With an excess on his insurance policy of £50, his claim was rejected.

18. When you’re holidaying in the Black Forest, it’s not thieves that you need to watch out for. One family left the door to their chalet open and came home to find that their wallets and passports had been eaten by a greedy goat, who had also chomped through some sandwiches that had been sitting on the kitchen table. The family’s claim for cost of new passports and wallets was rejected.

19. Sometimes Dads don’t always know best. A resourceful father whisked his teenage daughter to a local hairdresser, after she frazzled her hair on the oven in their holiday apartment in Spain. The result was hardly the work of Mr Toni and Mr Guy, leaving the girl running in tears from the salon. The dad tried, but failed, to claim the cost of the disastrous haircut from his insurance policy.

20. A chilled-out traveller in Sri Lanka needed £400 worth of hospital treatment after a large, ripe coconut fell from a tree and landed squarely on her head while she was peacefully reading below. She was knocked out cold, which is hardly surprising. Fresh coconuts weigh roughly 2 kilograms, and the trees grow up to 30 metres tall. The coconut would have been falling at 53 miles per hour when it hit the poor woman on the skull. Her insurer covered her medical expenses.

21. Meanwhile Direct Line received a claim for two lost coconuts from a couple who returned home from a holiday in Mauritius. As a coconut costs just 69p (from your local Tesco), the claim was rejected. The couple’s excess on their policy meant they would have paid for the first £50 of the cost of any claim.

22. A customer submitted a claim for a “guitar made out of a pumpkin”. The slightly baffled staff at Direct Line were forced to reject the claim.

23. The clue was in neon lights above the door. A young party animal in Greece got badly burnt when she tried to order a cocktail in local hangout called “Fire Bar”. Ignoring the loud warning buzzer, and the disappearance of her fellow drinkers, she stood firmly at the bar waiting to be served when it suddenly became engulfed in flames. She received third degree burns to her hands, and successfully claimed £300 worth of medical expenses.

24. A British backpacker was chased down the street by an angry bull in Kerala, Southern India. It wasn’t clear from his claim whether he provoked the animal, but he did require £2,800 worth of hospital treatment after the attack, which was reimbursed by his travel insurer.

25. Finally, according to one long-serving insurance underwriter, there have been more Rolex Oyster watches, worth upwards of £1,000, recorded as lost in the Costa Del Sol in the Spain than have ever been manufactured.