Avert Your Eyes

Mood Enhancer

2009-07-14T16:43:00.002Z

I find this photo makes me smile. It has been one of those days.

If it works for you also, then you are most welcome.

Card Carrying Teenager

2009-07-08T00:00:00.000Z

It’s official, Lil Wicked is a teenager. We have survived tweendom and are moving full throttle into sophistication. I knew we’d hit the milestone when she asked me to help pack up all her beanie babies, gone all of them. Oh Boy!

I wasn’t too sure about the whole Auntie thing fourteen years ago. I am extremely happy to report that Lil Wicked has been a real joy, the best first niece EVER!! Who else would put up and enjoy (for the most part) the antics of this Aunt? Lil Wicked, that’s who. I have enjoyed the young woman she has developed into and cannot wait to see what the future brings.

Join me in wishing Lil Wicked a very Happy Birthday!

Let Freedom Ring!

2009-07-04T12:33:00.000Z

Happy 233rd Birthday America!

You all have a safe and Happy 4th!

Dear Mr. Overzealous Supplier:

2009-06-29T18:02:00.002Z

I know that I generate copious amounts of reports each work day and your bailiwick is to anticipate my toner needs. However, in case you have not noticed, I do not appreciate you popping in every other day to inquire about my toner supply. Even I cannot kill that many trees as well as cloud the atmosphere with toner dust.

While I am ranting, may I suggest that if you stayed in your storefront it would greatly eliminate your ability to whine about how little time you have each day? We have Alexander Graham Bell to thank for the invention of the telephone. If I need toner on an urgent basis, how about I simply dial your digits; you have heard of Mr. Bell’s accomplishments, right?

In closing, please stop bothering me. If this is a ploy to flirt with me, I am not interested in married men. If this is simply your selling style, let this be my way of letting you know that from now on, Staples.com has just become my BFF.

Thank you to the following gentleman Kleinrock, Licklider, Roberts, Kahn, Cerf as well as Ms. Perlman for their contributions for inventing the internet! You may want to read up on them also.

Hugs & Kisses - Wicked

The Current State of Healthcare

2009-06-25T20:58:00.005Z

This is one of many amusements I encounter on a daily basis, enjoy!

Staff Member #1: (sending global e-mail to all) Here’s your afternoon funny: A patient told us she would pay after she was seen. Before she left, the receptionist asked for her copay and she said she had to go to her car to get her wallet. The receptionist asked me if that was okay and I told her the patient had to sign the deferred copay form because once she reached her car she would be gone. When the patient was told this, she opted to leave her children in the office as collateral.

I think I need to call my mom and thank her for never using me as a loan.

E-mail Responder #1: Did she come back????

E-mail Responder #2: I have 4 kids – could I drop them off there sometime too?

If I could make this stuff up, I wouldn’t be writing for free.

Pre-Emptive Strike, Three and You’re Out

2009-06-12T17:41:00.000Z

Thankfully, I don’t have to attend many meetings at work. Fortunately I fly under the radar in that arena. Trust me I have plenty to do; meetings would only hamper my progress.

I am required to attend an alleged quarterly meeting which now has morphed into an odd schedule. Regardless, the debates and subsequent platitudes that get launched is nothing less than comical. Even more hilarious, all but 2 people in the meeting understand where the conversation turns when the incorrect clichés are used. When eye contact ends and frantic doodling or shuffling of documents takes over, it’s a good guess that many in the room are completely lost; and they pay me to attend.

To put the nail in their own coffins, those out in the ether will intertwine the triteness into a follow up e-mail once they’ve returned to their office. Seriously, I should be paying them.

This has to be why flasks were invented. Hiccup!

Stating the Obvious

2009-06-09T00:11:00.003Z

I returned home to find half of my tree laying in my front yard. I was away for the weekend and while gone, my pear tree was hit by lightning. Thankfully, the huge limb fell directly into my yard without injuring any property or individuals. It simply fell on the grass without malice waiting to be removed. No harm or foul to anyone else.

After spending a couple of nights away from home, I was eager to crawl into my own bed, watch the Tony’s and drift off to sleep. My plan was working until my doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone and since it was 9 pm I decided to ignore it. The bell rang two more times followed by incessant knocking. Whoever was at my door was not going away. I made myself presentable and answered the door.

Wicked H: (Opening only the main door, my storm door is always locked) May I help you?

Man with Dog: Hey, did you know your tree fell?

Wicked H: No? Seriously? What is it that you want?

Man with Dog: Just letting you know the tree fell.

Wicked H: Do you often knock on doors of total strangers at this hour?

Man with Dog: Well, I saw the tree and thought you should know.

Wicked H: It’s a bit hard to miss, but thanks all the same. If there is nothing else, I bid you farewell.

I locked the door and got ready for bed, again. Of course it took me quite a while to unwind. I have to admit that when I heard the insistence of the knock, I figured there might be a fire in the vicinity and a kind soul was alerting me to that fact. Instead I get a botanical report from what I guess is either a nosy neighbor or someone casing the joint. The whole scenario would have made sense if the tree was blocking the man’s efforts to walk his dog or the tree was laying on his property or vehicle. None of these was the case.

All I wanted was a peaceful end to my weekend. Instead I get Gladys’ husband and their dog.

Time Flies

2009-06-02T00:00:00.000Z

It seems like just yesterday that I got the call BS was going in for an emergency cesarean section. I was in North Carolina and she in Maryland. By the time I traversed I-85, the Beltway and pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Little Wicked was hours old.

Today is her graduation from Middle School; which means in September she’ll be attending High School. How is this possible?

I just finished watching the monthly VHS videos sent to me so I wouldn’t miss her hilarious toddler antics. I will not soon forget the first time she sought my advice via phone. She had gotten into trouble as a 4-year old. She was upset because she made a “misnake.” I tried not to laugh, but what are Aunts for? The next thing you know we are at the Naval Academy swimming pool cheering her on. Hopefully she wasn’t too embarrassed. The way we were carrying on, you’d a thought she was competing in the Olympics. Only last year we sent her off to Fiji, New Zealand and Australia as an Ambassador for the People to People program.

Lil Wicked, I cannot wait to see how you continue to turn into this fantastic human being. I am sure that all the mischievous traits you have inherited from Aunt Wicked. Keep in mind that it takes brains to be precarious.

I am so very proud of you today and ALL days. Happy graduation!!!

Ring Around the Hallway

2009-05-28T11:35:00.002Z

I work in an office building with the standard layout; the elevator is in the center of the hallway forming a square column. It’s a five story building with perhaps six to ten suites on each floor depending on the size of the business.

I have twelve suitemates and lately they’ve been grumbling about the goings on in the hallway. You see the restrooms flank the elevator one on either side. It appears that there a couple of women of Asian descent who circle the hallway three times a day. You can set your clock by their walks. Militant strollers we have coined them.

Generally how one wants to stretch their legs on any given day should not be an issue. However, these women who are small in stature walk side by side which would also not be odd except that they are on their cell phones chatting up a storm. It has been determined by my suitemates that one may be conversing in Mandarin and the other Vietnamese. (Apparently, I work with linguists, who knew?) The point is this; they are so engrossed with their conversations that they are unaware of the traffic jam they create. They move rather swiftly on their rounds however if you encounter them at the entrance of the restroom they do not yield the right of way. This is causing great discord for the entire floor.

Once while waiting for the elevator they passed me ten times. I’ve watched the group of engineers also with offices on the floor try to suggest that they walk single file to no avail. I have decided that this is their way of retaliating against perhaps a smoker who gets a few breathing treatments in per day. Others in my office are dying to know why they simply do not exercise outdoors. For some reason we are reluctant to ask. Perhaps it is because none of us speaks either Mandarin or Vietnamese.

The quandaries of life such as they are, I have altered my restroom times. I don’t have the energy to dance with the militant strollers. Suggestions anyone?

The Greatest Casualty is Being Forgotten

2009-05-24T12:40:00.002Z

Freedom Is Not Free

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
He'd stand out in a crowd.
I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years.
How many had died on foreign soil?
How many mothers' tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom is not free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
when everything was still
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant "Amen"
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
Of mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
with interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington...
No, freedom is not free.

Author Unknown

Forgive Me Blogosphere...

2009-05-20T21:42:00.002Z

...It has been two weeks since my last post. What can I say, the weather definitely affected my mood? I could serve penance. Instead I’ll give you a brief recap of life in the land of Wicked.

* Recently, The Troll appeared in our office. Fortunately for her, our receptionist had not a clue as to her identity. I am sure her balloon was deflated but don’t you worry, she’ll be back to visit.

* I have learned of the passing of a treasured Uncle of very close friends of our Family. When they hurt, we hurt. “P” my heart is heavy for you and the entire family - hugs.

* Also, a work friend is watching her young daughter slowly pass before her eyes. The fact that the whole scenario is happening and that I can do nothing to ease her pain, breaks my heart.

* Pet Whisperer and Fly Boy are making progress on the retirement home. I am well aware that I may have to bail them each out for committing felonies against the builder and his wife, the decorator. On the upside, once the waterfront castle is built, I have my own master suite. Yay!

* Google, Little Wicked’s golden doodle, committed rabitcide. He thought it was a play toy wandering in his yard and it met an untimely death. Google reported that the rascally rabbit tasted more like chicken.

* Little Wicked is graduating from Middle School and on her way to High School. OMG!

There you have it, some ups and downs. Instead of reciting Hail Mary’s I am going to whip up a batch of martinis and hope the bad things come to an end soon.

How’ve you all been?

Wanted: Crew to Help Build Ark

2009-05-07T02:13:00.001Z

Enough already! Rain, you are killing me.

I keep humming the theme to “Annie” but it is not working.

I am gathering animals two by two. Needed second emu.

If not available, please send sun!

Dear Mr. Squirrel(s):

2009-04-26T22:16:00.001Z

Spring is here. I have filled the 2 bird feeders on the deck and you are more than welcome to graze on them until your feeder arrives. Yes, you read that correctly. I have bought you and your furry friends you own feeders.

Nothing makes me happier than sitting on my deck watching the birds and you and your compatriots frolicking and feeding. I draw the line at your destroying the flower boxes and eating my tomatoes and herbs. I beseech you to keep away from the foliage and vegetables.

You have one week to get your act together. Otherwise, I will be dousing the flower boxes and herb and veggie garden with capsaicin powder. With my luck, you’ll use the tomatoes and herbs and make one spicy batch of salsa.

If I have to build chicken coops around everything, I will. Don’t make me count to three!

Hugs and Kisses

Wicked

Kismet

2009-04-17T00:00:00.001Z

Please join me in wishing both my Parents a very happy 80 something birthday. I believe we stopped counting after 80. We should all be so lucky to have our health after that age.

It had to have been destiny that brought my parents together. Same birthdays, day, month and year. Born in the same country but in different cities. If I am not mistaken, Mom may be a few hours older. It is rare, as are they.

I am blessed to have been raised by such a pair. They are a trip without luggage, in the best possible sense.

Here is to many more Mom & Dad. Wishing you happiness today and ALL days.

Hugs and Kisses Wicked and the rest of the Gang

The Principles of Proper Grammar

2009-04-13T16:15:00.003Z

(This was passed on to me. After I fell off my chair from the laughter, I decided to share - enjoy!)

On his 66th birthday, a gentleman got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being
persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that,
you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can
perform as long as you want."

He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

Dear Department Store Portrait Photographer:

2009-03-29T22:28:00.001Z

I use the term photographer very loosely. I am sure that you have been trained in some capacity to arrange a multi-generational family in order to snap a few photos. Although, after our session today, perhaps you are a product of the employment down turn and this is your interim job.

In case you missed the training or it was above or beneath you, I am going to give you a few pointers. Like it or not, you are in a Customer Service business. Would it have killed you to demonstrate of modicum of pleasantness? Your constant scowl was more than a little off putting. Our family consists of three generations ranging in age from 2 through 84. Asking my parents to straddle a coupe of pieces of styrofoam was crossing the line. Luckily Maternal Countessa did not allow them to even attempt the pose. After that, things went downhill.

It is no wonder that the pictures you presented us with were less than par. There were 9 of us in the portrait. Between you asking me to kneel in a very uncomfortable and awkward position and then asking us to wave frantically at some sensor above our heads to get your flash to work, it was quite difficult to agree upon any pictures. To be honest, I only agreed to the one so that our ordeal could end quicker.

This picture far outshines the one we purchased:

I wonder who took their photo?

Maybe next year we will do more research and find a photographer that will a) actually enjoy their work and b) their enjoyment will rub off on us.

Love and Kisses - Wicked

Change is Good

2009-03-22T19:48:00.002Z

I spent this weekend packing, moving and unpacking my office. In the soon to be seven years working for this company, I have moved locations a grand total of 5 times.

This time I had a team of 7 moving with me. Previously, it has always been just me moving; we have since grown. I have the procedure down to a science; my team mates were struggling. I now posses a sweet corner office with a panoramic view of Lord & Taylor at Fair Oaks Mall and a birds eye view of Route 50. If you are a local reader and ever need a traffic update, just let me know. My team mates are so thrilled to be in such close proximity to a Mall. I, being allergic to shopping, am not that impressed.

I am simply happy for two things; 1) my own office and 2) to continue my employment with a company who is in a growth spurt.

Change is good. Change is inevitable. In our case, for now, change is security.

Laughter, Always the Best Prescription

2009-03-17T21:45:00.001Z

Physicians' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package:

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pis$ed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the as$holes in Washington.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2009-03-10T23:39:00.000Z

Recently it was my turn to be supportive of my older sister the Brain Surgeon. As life does, it threw her a slight curve and she had to take the role of patient. No need to panic, all is well.

While waiting for my sister to get through her minor surgical procedure, I had the displeasure of sharing the Ambulatory Surgery Center waiting room with one other person. We all deal with stress in different ways. Suffice it to say that the gentleman in the waiting room deals with stress by remaining connected. Who needs three cell phones? Seriously! This guy had one blue tooth dangling off his ear, one on his belt and the other in his hand. I thought the folks in NYC were terrific multi taskers until I spent two quality hours with Mr. Connected.

Not only was he able to conduct three simultaneous phone conversations he was also able to follow his stories on TV. So much so that during key scenes of One Life to Live and General Hospital he was able to stop his conference calls temporarily and focus on plot lines.

He was able to solve the following problems during his wait:

* Arranged child care for the baby
* Line up 8 detail jobs across the bridge(Bay Bridge) which would earn him $500 each
* Give one of his family members incorrect directions to the Surgery Center
* Use his pocket knife to clean his nails
* Continue to give wrong directions to the Surgery Center
* Figured out who attacked the female character on the stretcher on One Life to Live
* Gave up on directions and handed one of the cell phones to the receptionist who guided the family member to the Center
* Received a recipe for soup from one call; simple soup - chicken necks simmered in water
* Attempted and failed to help someone with homework, “wait for your Mama to get home”

Oy! I was exhausted just listening to him. Although he was a great distraction.

Mother Nature Goes Through Menopause

2009-03-02T13:08:00.001Z

See this?

Friday it was 70 degrees here!

My office never closes for weather, today is the first time.

Thank you Mother Nature!!

Most Excellent Adventure!

2009-02-27T21:30:00.000Z

What do you do when your good friend lets you know her husband is out of town for the weekend and she does not want to stay home? You jokingly suggest a road trip and she agrees!

Since we did not come up with this epiphany until late last night, we are simply hitting the road and wherever we end up will begin the adventure. It goes without saying that the martini back pack is at the ready and we both decided to bring an overnight bag just in case.

Check, check and double check.

Will give full report upon return. This is how we roll.

Have a great weekend, I know I will!

Ciao!

Marketing 101 ?

2009-02-17T00:16:00.001Z

Sign over a Gynecologists's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
At a Tire Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

Because Only Friends Know What is Best for You

2009-02-13T20:55:00.000Z

Look what I got for Valentine’s Day!!

The instructions are as follows:
Place your lucky grow toy in a large container of room temperature water. Your grow toy may take up to 10 days to grow completely; up to 600%

What more could I need???

Will show you what he looks like in 10 days.

Happy Valentine’s Day one and all!

Annoyances

2009-02-08T23:41:00.000Z

I am a firm believer that if you are contagious, you should stay at home and keep your germs to yourself. I do not understand those who show up to infect the rest of us with no regard for the better good. People, use your days off wisely. If I hear one more co-worker bemoan the PTO (paid time off) system of our workplace as the perfect excuse to spread the plague, someone is going to get hurt.

Our trip to New York was fabulous but I contracted the cold that was being spread by at least 5 co-workers. Once my health resumes and I get my work caught up, I will give you all the details.

If you catch this awful cold, guaifenesin is your friend. Take the maximum dose, ingest ibuprofin and acetaminophen alternately every four hours, lots of hot tea, rest and for the love of God, do not infect your workplace. Take the time off!!!!!

Stay well friends.

Start Spreading the News

2009-01-29T20:55:00.001Z

The sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked are headed out to the Big Apple.

Originally we were going to take our Uncle who was visiting. Since his plans fell through, we decided why not? Our only concrete plans are the hotel reservations. We have no itinerary; these are the best trips. I am sure we will catch at least a couple of shows and of course much walking, sightseeing and great food.

The martini backpack is all stocked and ready to consume. You all have a great weekend. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. If you do, don’t forget to share.

See ya!