The DCeiver

Hi!

2009-11-17T20:40:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah. Insert standard apology for not blogging here in forever. I'm a little stunned that, like, 100 of you are still checking in every day! There's some good stuff on teevee, and whatnot, but, thanks. Anyway, am recharging. Will return soon! It won't matter much, either way.

Anyway, reminder: Here I am, six days a week. And: like everyone else.

Yea, verily, I have been sorely tempted, but I have not tumblred.

Clippy

2009-10-14T21:12:00.003-05:00

"What up? It looks like you are writing a suicide note for your party's chances! Need help formatting?"

Peripheral Vision

2009-10-03T21:33:00.003-05:00

Yeah. You ever do that thing where you glance over some written words, and you become convinced that they say one thing, and you say, "What the fuck? Does it really say that?" And you look back, and it doesn't? Just happened to me, with this:
At first glance, I was convinced the word "roots" was "robots." Which really, is the only way this story could be more interesting.

Actually, look at the expression on Ahmadinejad's face. I bet he does have some Jewish robots. This will be his undoing.

The Uplift Kid A Party Plan

2009-09-30T01:01:00.003-05:00

The Awl's Dave Bry says that Thom Yorke and Flea have somehow gotten it into their heads that they should form a band together, you know, before the world ends in accordance with the ancient Mayan calendar. But they're such different musicians! Polar opposites! Strange bedfellows! Yeah, yeah, so, what happens is they meet in the middle, and voila: Coldplay. Only spelled with a "K," because, you know, freaky styley.

In other news, you fucking know you'd love to hear what Thom Yorke would do with "True Men Don't Kill Coyotes." Don't you even fucking lie to me.

LOLJoes

2009-09-10T01:51:00.002-05:00

Various folks on the interwebs submit the following:

Watch As I Say Something Nice About Pitchfork

2009-09-09T22:49:00.002-05:00

Say what you want about Pitchfork, but at least they did not post an article that listed the 100 best indie rock jams that Jaycee Dugard missed out on while being imprisoned and forced to bear children for the past twenty years.

Joe Wilson: Presidential Nemesis

2009-09-09T21:56:00.005-05:00

As you probably know by now, during tonight's health care reform address, President Obama ran afoul of Joe Wilson, who called out, "You lie!" during the speech. Lots of people are pissed at Wilson: the Democratic leadership, John McCain. It's a big mess and a real embarrassment.

All eyes on Obama, now. Hopefully, he won't try to get backsies on Joe Wilson by outing his wife as a covert CIA agent.

A Message To The Shorteez.

2009-09-08T01:02:00.001-05:00

Hi, children of America. I am this obscure person who writes a daffy liveblog online, for money. I understand that some or all of you might be going back to school this week. To those of you who will be attending the same middle school I attended, I am sorry. That place truly sat on the nexus of Hades and what were probably several Indian burial grounds, such was the daily horror of that awful, oval shaped, suburban cesspool.

As many of you know, President Barack Obama is going to be addressing you this coming Tuesday. He'll be saying some generic platitudes that you've probably heard before, and suggesting some homework that you won't do. He'd like you to learn and succeed, probably. But many of you won't be seeing it because a number of slavering idiot fools have raised a hue and cry premised on the notion that the President will, in one hours time, succeed in converting you into Communist arson-zombies, and the adults who run many of your school systems are craven, gutless, pieces of piffle who literally have no intention of ever doing right by you if it threatens to cost them anything.

I mean, that's truly pathetic. We are truly pathetic. And we're leaving you a pretty pathetic world to grow up in. We are incapable of facing any challenge, until it's way too late, and then, even when we fix it, we refuse to learn from our mistakes and do anything about it. This financial crisis you may have heard about is a great example. Adults cocked up the entire world, chasing after magical rewards in a greed fantasia. We very nearly caused Western civilization to explode, poured about a kabillion dollars into the fires of Mordor to stave off an eruption, and have learned NOTHING from the experience.

Or health care. This is a can we've kicked down the road for nearly a generation, lying to each other all the way. Currently, we have a group of people saying insane lies about how giving Americans proper health care is Satanic and bad, and another group of people who are just too terrified to do the right thing. I don't know how long this reform debate has to go, but I'll make a confident prediction: something will pass, and it will be utter, useless junk.

Sorry, kids. That's the story. We, the adults in your life, are, as I've already said, complete cock-ups.

Kids, like the President will probably tell you in his Tuesday speech -- that you will probably have to watch on YouTube, instead of in the manner it was originally intended, because the adults in your life are useless -- I, too, want you to strive and stay in school and do your homework and make good grades and learn as much as you can. But there's something else I need you to do. Something only you can do! And that is to hold all of us useless, disgusting cock-ups responsible.

This school year, wherever you go, whether it's school or your neighborhood or the grocery store or an afterschool activity, I want all of you kids to promise me that whenever you encounter an adult, that you will walk up to them, get their attention, point right at them and simply say to them, "I blame you." Then just walk away. Say nothing more. Do nothing else. Begin with your parents and move onward and outward, to every adult in your life. Don't discriminate between gender or color, age or station. If you see me, I want you to do the same thing. It shall make me very, very proud of you. Not that you should care about that. We are arrant knaves all. Believe none of us.

That's it. I have no further advice to give you. You shall be inheriting one large turd sandwich of a world. I'm so sorry.

At Play In The Fields Of Health Care Reform

2009-08-27T02:21:00.002-05:00

In case you missed it, last night I returned to my alma mater to attend one of these insane health care reform town halls. I went with Liz Glover of the Washington Times and Jim Newell of Wonkette. Jim filed the official pool report. I got to stare into the eyes of anti-abortion whack job Randall Terry, and find them unimpressive. Terry did not bother to bring along fried chicken and beer, as he has for his crackpotty appearances at the National Press Club and the like, so, really, what good was he, anyway?

The crowd was largely in favor of health care reform, and the portion that wasn't was largely against having things explained to them, the application of logic, rudimentary reasoning, and demonstrating the sort of breeding that does not take place near a slaughterhouse. They were very much in favor of large groups of American citizens crawling off into the woods to die, for freedom. The joke's on them though! The woods in Reston are studded with well-appointed bike paths!

Representative Jim Moran demonstrated the celebrated stage presence and rampant charisma he is best known for, by which I mean he droned and droned, endlessly, senselessly, seemingly under the impression that there was someone in the room who was a bona fide fencesitter who just needed some facts to make up their minds. My favorite part was when he attempted to debunk eleven -- ELEVEN! -- internet myths about health care reform for the crowd. Because on this day, at South Lakes High School, destiny had written that it would finally be Jim Moran who would defeat the internet. It was insanely fruitless, and I wanted to vote for cloture SO BAD.

Anyway, there was much yelling, and not a few LaRouchies, pimping racist nonsense. At least they weren't at the DMV, where people are at there most vulnerable and susceptible to cult programming. There was also a Jamaican guy outside with a "Bush/Cheney '04" poster, who travelled forward in time from the past via Jah to warn everyone of all the bumbaclot health care. Plus, I hear the Klan put literature under people's windshield wipers, so, GOOD TIMES.

We really did go to Chili's which really is something of a shitshow. Everything on the menu is bottomless or kickin' or slammin'. It was hard to distinguish actual food from entrees that advertised themselves as culinary mixed-martial arts that could be unleashed against an unsuspecting colon. Nevertheless, it felt like the appropriate venue to decompress from all the affluent suburbanites yelling at one another.

Anyway, now I've been to one of these Town halls that are so hot right now.

I Hope They Serve Cliches In Hell

2009-08-27T00:28:00.003-05:00

Here's the part of Gawker's review of the crapulent Tucker Max movie that stands out in my mind:

The best character in the film is Tucker's friend Drew, because he looks like he was just dropped in from another movie, and can't wait to get back. Drew is a misanthropic video game nerd who goes to strip club and meets a hot stripper who is also a video game nerd and falls for him and they rush home and sleep together and Drew instantly bonds with her son and they become a couple immediately. This is as close to a plausible male-female interaction sequence as this movie gets.

Wait. You mean this twat's movie is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl Movie?! For. Fuck's. Sake.

Amanda Mattos, Your Birthday Is This Weekend, Right?

2009-08-20T20:59:00.003-05:00

You know, just wondering what to get the woman who has everything...

I like how it ends with "The End," so that you know the compelling narrative is over.

[Via Max Silvestri]

Even Supremer Navel Gazing

2009-08-20T00:10:00.003-05:00

Amanda writes:

when i eat asparagus hot, i far prefer the stalks to the heads. when i eat asparagus cold, however, it's just the opposite.

When I eat asparagus hot, or cold, my pee smells funny.

Your move, Mattos.

If "The Velvet Hammer" Is A Dance Move, I Am SO Watching Dancing With The Stars This Season

2009-08-19T19:34:00.006-05:00

As you may have heard, former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay is going to compete on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Having never seen the show, I can't properly assess Delay's prospects. Obviously, if gerrymandering is essential to winning this show, Delay should fare well. However, if the grand prize is a big bowl of cocaine, he will almost certainly lose to fellow Texan and former Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Michael Irvin. Or none of this will happen!

Delay's former communications director, Emily Miller, is nonetheless bullish on her former boss's chances, and yesterday, she made some bold predictions, telling MSNBC's Carlos Watson that Delay is "taking it very seriously":

MILLER: He's going to go far. He is no longer "The Hammer." He's going to be the Velvet Hammer. He's going to be two-stepping his way across America. And I predict he will go far. I don't know if he's going to go all the way to the finals, but he's definitely going to go farther than Tucker Carlson.

The Velvet Hammer? Right away I'm thinking, "Oh, my. That is going to infringe on so many pornographers' copyrights." But just a few minutes later, Andy Levy of Fox News' Red Eye tipped me to this entry in the Urban Dictionary.

Yeah. I'd say that's definitely going a LOT farther than Tucker Carlson.

Co-Oprophilia

2009-08-19T19:28:00.002-05:00

What does the term "health care co-op" mean to me? I'm very glad that I have given myself the opportunity to answer that question! What I hear the word "co-op," I imagine a situation in which a group of well-meaning people, having identified a need in their community, address that need with good intentions and available institutional know-how, combining these two ingredients to make a product that's not quite as good as either one.

But it's totally like RURAL ELECTRIFICATION and junk! Maybe we could have outhouses, too!

Anyway, this, and that.

Highlights From Hill Hotties, 2009

2009-07-29T10:06:00.000-05:00

What you are looking for is here.

I'm Feeling Thankful For The Small Things Today

2009-07-28T01:55:00.002-05:00

To Sleep, Perchance To Suddenly Stop Breathing And Die, Gurgling On Your Own Hot Snot

2009-07-14T23:49:00.003-05:00

So, yesterday night, I did a "sleep study" at the Arlington Hospital. What does all that mean? Well, if you were "studying" this topic: Can the DCeiver sleep, at all, with thirty wires and electrodes glued to his body, which pop off everytime I change position, on a stiff bed, with no wife or kitty cats? The answer is no. NO FURTHER STUDY NECESSARY. STUDY IS COMPLETE. Did you answer "NO" on the final exam? Congratuations, you graduate, pop Cristal.

As I told my friend Tracy S., I did the study because I (or actually wife of DCeiver, who hears me at night) was worried that I might have sleep apnea. So I went to Arlington Hospital WHERE THERE IS NO WIRELESS INTERNET and got studded up with electrodes and wires, and they were like, OKAY SLEEP LIKE NORMAL. Which was impossible, because wires kept coming off during the night and they guy would come in and redo them. It was like work. Everytime I woke up I looked at my cell phone for the time because I just wanted it to end. It finally did at about 5:30am.

My lab tech was awesome. He was a brooding Satanist who was sad that Michael Jackson's life force had been extinguished and that the world was a sorrier place for the absence of his talent. At length, he explained how there would be no black metal without MJ, so, if I ever find myself in some sort of doctorate-level cultural studies program being taught by Sasha Frere-Jones, I have my dissertation all ready to go.

Anyway, I don't know yet if I have sleep apnea and need one of those masks, yet. Hopefully not. I'm not worried, though, Andrew Sullivan makes those masks look like sex on cinnamon toast.

In Related News, Vinny Cerrato Is Still An Ass-Pump

2009-07-14T23:11:00.002-05:00

Blogging About Not Blogging Is The New Blogging About Blogging

2009-07-14T22:57:00.003-05:00

Hello. Yes. We at The DCeiver are back to once again break new ground in apologizing for not blogging on a blog that no one but spam bots read, apparently. So, there you go. Attention will be paid in coming days to put content here. NOT GOOD CONTENT, MIND YOU! But something. Think of this as a Tumblr without "tumbularity" or whatever they call it.

Anyway, it's not like you can't read me elsewhere, like many others. Here is Eat The Press, to bookmark. Or you can RSS the everloving shit out of me, here. You can follow me on Twitter and stuff. I do Crappy Hour on Jezebel with Megan Carpentier every Wednesday morning. And me and Ana Marie Cox make fun of the White House Flickr Feed from time to time on The Awl, who have a lot of great writers if you don't like Ana Marie and I making dick jokes about our President.

And yeah, whatever happens here happens. Don't force it, baby. Let it come.

Dana Milbank To Whisper At The Dicks Of Hundreds Of Lobbyists, At Katherine Weymouth's House, For $$$!!!

2009-07-03T00:41:00.004-05:00

You know, whenever I try to point out how, in Washington, DC, the line between "edit meeting" and "cocktail party" has become blurred to the point of ridiculousness, there's never a shortage of people who'll line up and tell me how cynical I am. But from time to time, I get to issue a big fat, "Suck it!" and one of those days is today! YAY FOR ME!

Serenity Now

2009-07-01T20:42:00.003-05:00

One day, Americans will get to the point where they stop, dead in their tracks, and with a single voice ask one question: "What would happen if the staff of Reason magazine suddenly became cowboy grifters who speak Pidgin Chinese and fly around the universe in busted up spaceships?" Then, at long last, Firefly will get the recognition it deserves.

What My Wife And I Argued About Tonight

2009-07-01T00:02:00.003-05:00

DCeiver: You know what I don't understand?

Wife of DCeiver: What?

DCeiver: Sting.

Wife of DCeiver: Sting?

DCeiver: Sting. The sword Frodo uses in the Lord Of The Rings. It's dumb.

Wife of DCeiver: It's not dumb.

DCeiver: It's dumb.

Wife of DCeiver: Why is it dumb.

DCeiver: Think about it. It GLOWS when orcs are near.

Wife of DCeiver: That's not dumb, that's useful.

DCeiver: That's not useful, it's lethal.

Wife of DCeiver: It warns you if orcs are near.

DCeiver: No. It's dark. You have Sting out. It glows. Orcs are also in the dark. They see Sting glowing. They come and kill you.

Wife of DCeiver: What if it's not dark.

DCeiver: It still glows! It glows. Motherfuckers see it glow. Orcs come, they kill you.

Wife of DCeiver: You can put the sword in its sheath, nobody sees it.

DCeiver: Great, then, orcs find you some other way, your dumbass sword is SHEATHED, they kill you because your sword isn't out. Your sword isn't out, because it fucking glows.

Wife of DCeiver: Well, when it glows, you can say, "Woah, better get out of here."

DCeiver: Then it shouldn't be a weapon.

Wife of DCeiver: What?

DCeiver: It shouldn't be a sword! If the swords most useful function is to tell you when to run away, it's not much of a sword. It's like, a sword that totally pussies out of fighting orcs.

Wife of DCeiver: Dude, talk to the elves.

Also, why are indestructible ring-wraiths afraid of fire? Never made any sense to me.

Great Moments In Oratory

2009-06-25T00:58:00.002-05:00

Years from now, surely Mark Sanford's "Oration on the Vicissitudes of Having a Mistress in Latin America That You Go to See Every Once in a While, and Then There's That Time Everyone Finds Out About It, Hoo Boy, What A Mess, Sorry Tom Davis," will be as studied a piece of public speaking as Cicero's speeches against Catiline.

I'll Show You My Fanny

2009-06-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah, been a while. Sorry.

We Got It Right.

2009-06-11T20:53:00.001-05:00