Strange but true...

A Post from Beyond

2009-02-17T08:48:00.001-08:00

So here we are. 16:38 in the afternoon and I’m a bit at a loose end. And I have thought I should really put up an update recently.

I’ve had a fairly successful day, done everything I wanted to and I’m back in fighting form. It’s been a mental few weeks and I’m looking forward to March and hopefully renewing gym memberships and taking it a little bit more easy.

Famous last words of course.

Last weekend was the second trip to the TG party and it was actually better than the first time. I don’t know why especially, perhaps the crowd. There weren’t so many ‘silly’ costumes and people seemed a little bit more into the scene. I love how easy it is to talk to people at these things – I chatted for a long time with a professional Domme, how many times do you get to say that?

Well I don’t anyways.

Another place I was surprised at the friendliness was Fire, the supposedly ‘hardcore’ gay club down in Vauxhall. Perhaps it was because turned up for the afterparty or it just wasn’t the crowd, it was pretty tame by most standards. But the people were really friendly, too friendly sometimes. That’s the thing about gay clubs I guess – you never can tell who is and isn’t so your guard is a bit more down.

But hey, at least we’re having fun right?

T-Bot is staying with me for the next two weeks and while it may be tough, I’m trying to be on my best behaviour. I won’t see her again for months and while I wish her well, I will miss her dreadfully. We even talked about it last night – she’s the only person I know that never irritates me. That’s amazing…

And so it goes. I wish I had more to say but at the moment, I guess I’m just cruising along. It’s kind of nice to be level and not worrying about money or what’s going to happen at work. I’m planning all sorts of new adventures for 2008 (maybe Global Gathering included?) and I hope it’ll be a great year because there’s so little time left on this side of the pond.

Long Overdue Wrap Up

2009-01-03T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm still feeling pretty good after last night at MOS so I thought I would use this opportunity to wrap up 2008. It was a pretty good year overall I reckon - made a mistake but I think I've learnt from it. If nothing else, I'm very suspicious of anyone from the Med now.

Felt pretty awful after coming back from Vancouver a few days back. It's so hard to leave now and it breaks my heart everytime. But alas, I know it's not the right time for me yet and I have plenty to keep me occupied in the meantime.

It was a bit weird being home this time. There was almost three feet of snow (!?!?!?!) and I was a bit housebound. I did miss my mates back in London, every one of you! And I felt a bit disconnected most of the time - I was a bit quieter than usual and maybe I was feeling a bit down as well? That's not so much a question as a general ponderment.

But I got to spend lots of face time with Mom and that was really great. She didn't cry, damn her to the pits of Hades, but she did drop something when I walked in. It was such a lovely thing to do for her and myself.

Got along pretty well with my bro but we did have one major blow up. I think it was because he was tired and didn't want to hang with the parental units anymore but it frightened me a little. He's a big lad and he'll want to watch that temper.

And I did wonder if maybe this is the past comimg to haunt me. I used to raz him something fierce about his eating, breathing, etc. Yes sometimes I was an awful sister but I hope he doesn't resent me forever for it.

Step-father seems alright, overall. I note that he still cuts back on his ciggies and that can't be a bad thing. I really worry about both of them while I'm over here - I would hate anything to happen to either of them.

One day on the bus, I considered stopping in to visit dear old Dad. That would freak the shit out of him! What it would be like, meeting again after all this time? Sometimes I wonder if he even thinks about his daughter anymore. I have to say he doesn't cross my mind much.

Then it was off to the island for more merryment. Not much to report - Vancouver Island is as boring as ditchwater. It should be nuked of the face of the planet to save future generations. But the family looks good and boy, I love teenaged boys. Not like that you pervs! I love how silent and surly they can be, how a grunt can have many different meanings.

And now back in ol' Blighty! Cried my heart out on the take off and had some rough moments since being back (shouldn't have called Mom to tell her I got home safely), I can say at the moment I'm feeling pretty optimistic. I have lots of travel plans to keep my mind occupied and 2010 is all about saving dosh.

Two years isn't too long to wait to go home for good really. And I HAVE to find a guy that is willing to relocate - Vancouver boys are fat and wear baseball caps. Yuck.

You Say What?

2008-12-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

An Australian, French woman, Zimbabian and a Canadian are sitting in a bar...

Sounds like the worst joke set up ever.

But last weekend, after a truly delicious thanksgiving lunch, games and drink, the four of us were sitting in a bar in Islington. We had already discussed Obama and politics and somehow, the conversation moved on to the freedom of speech.

This is one of the few things I have a strong opinion on and I believe in the absolute human right of being able to stand up and say whatever you want. It can be a dodgy stance as not everyone has a 'good' opinion and should be given a platform to state it.

But the only other option is censorship and I can't get behind that. Censorship is a means of control and who can decide what the limits are. One person's 'line' in the sand differs from the next. No one should tell us what we can and cannot think or say.

Without freedom of speech, there would be less progression in the world. If Galileo had been silenced for his outrageous claims, would we still believe the world flat? Probably not but the point still stands - without freedom of expression, we wouldn't have the invention we have.

I don't believe in verbal incitement and I know it happens everywhere, everyday. Terrorists use the internet to spread their message of hate, paedophiles have access to children via internet chat rooms, and lots of people have outdated prejudisms that they still stand on soap boxes and let out into the world.

But there's an enormous difference between saying something and doing something. I wholeheartedly disagree with child molestation or any form of terrorism and that's where the law comes into practice. That's when we can take the people who abuse the right to express themselves down and hopefully make the world a better place.

But that's just my opinion and if you don't like it, well... You can exercise your own rights of expression and hit the little red x in the corner.

Not So Amusing Update

2008-12-05T07:13:00.000-08:00

You could never accuse me of being consistent. It’s been almost a month since I last updated this and maybe it’s because I haven’t had much to say. Or perhaps I have even forgotten about my little online diary.

It has been a busy month. I’m really looking forward to getting back to Canada in a few weeks time and just putting my feet up, annoying my mother and stuffing my face. I really hope we manage to pull off the surprise of it and everything goes off without a hitch!

L the Frenchman is actually here in London! YIKES! But I’m glad for it – when he comes back down to London from Oxford this weekend, I hope to sit him down and really apologise to him. Maybe close the door on the whole thing and be friends. I’m so very thankful that he’s here – I know in my heart that I didn’t want it to be the last time I ever saw him.

This week I’ve been hibernating again but it’s no bad thing. As I feel the lurgy hanging about and I’m trying to watch the money, I’m perfectly happy to walk and rest up. Hopefully my bathtub will be done by Monday and I can actually fully wash again! (probably didn’t need to put that out there)

Love life spluttered and stalled but that’s okay. I’m coming to realise that if the person isn’t ‘right’, it’s just not worth the effort. I like being on my own and being in control of my emotions, floating along. There’s just so much confusion and pain involved with getting involved.

I met a lovely kiwi a few weeks ago and hopefully he’ll get in touch when he’s back from his amazing tour of Toyko, NZ and San Fran but if he doesn’t, I’ll be alright.

Report from Hibernation

2008-11-13T09:12:00.001-08:00

Well, I did it. I couldn't resist anymore. It had been too long. I had a sickie.

But in fairness to me, I did feel awful when I woke up and couldn't even handle the thought of having a shower, let alone getting on the tube. My neck felt even more sore than yesterday and on both sides. What have I done to myself?

But now I feel better. Not great, but much better. I remember the few times I managed to get to stay home from school and by lunchtime, I always felt better. Made me feel a bit like a cheat – even then I could be too honest sometimes.

But it's been a good few days, other than frightening shoulder pains. I think maybe it had something to do with checking G out at Scala last weekend; it was so hot in the room and I haven't sweat like that in public in a very long time. But G was great, I was really surprised someone so young could play so well. Didn't hurt that he had some killer tracks at the ready.

And even though I should've come home and rested last night, men in bathtubs was just too good to miss. I am so glad I went, despite starting to power down in the second half. There's only so many times in your life you can say you saw a man juggle to Queen and hysterically giggled everytime 'another one bite the dust'.

I am lucky. I have great friends who invite me to so many things and I get to pick and choose which ones to go to.

I still miss L quite a bit but it's getting easier. I teared up on the tube the other day to a Faithless song but those moments are becoming fewer and fewer. Like I said before, I will find it again and at least I know what I'm looking for now. And if anything was going to happen with L, there's no reason it has to happen tomorrow.

I've been on a bit of spending spree lately, getting my house up to snuff with entertainment toys. I have a feeling I'm going into hibernation and that's fine with me. I feel better about being around people but it's nice to cut myself slack and just be on my own.

Kraft Dinner kind of day

2008-11-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

Work was manic today – lots of things going on, hopefully I didn't forget anything! Was too busy to eat, let alone goof off. I loved it because it made the day go by faster but for awhile there, I was pretty stressed out. Hightailed it to the Canadian store and made it just in time to get some comfort food.

Success!

The TG party was a lot of fun. Took it easy during the day and made it to Camden before it closed to get the last of the supplies then went to A's to get ready. Thankfully she did my eye make up and I have to say that I looked amazing. At least, that's what the 'raging hetero' said!

Unfortunately only saw a little kinky stuff – I saw a girl getting whipped, another getting fingered by her boyfriend and this wild coffin that was see through with holes in the side so people could touch them. Seemed kind of interesting until A mentioned the fellas were venturing pretty far south and you don't know what they may possibly have on their hands. Maybe not then...

But the music was better than I expected and there were lots of amazing costumes. Some lacked imagination (a string with a loop around your zizzi not a costume make) but some of the others were incredible. There was this one couple dressed as 17th century courtesans and some in full on latex. Lots of naked girls as well; how freeing that must be but I'd never do it.

Definitely Mr Pinocchio was my favourite person. He might have been a little young but he was nice and at least he had something to say for himself. Shame we went to check out the game station as I never saw him again.

Stayed around A's and had lunch before heading home. I would really like to take a break from the party scene for awhile as my bank account can't afford it but I wonder, will people stop inviting me out if I stop going? I'm fine on my own now but what about when I'm ready to venture out again?

A Few Randoms

2008-11-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

I have just one important thing to say and it is this:

Mr Muscle doesn't wear sunglasses inside. He doesn't wear a snazzy superhero outfit. He does not specialise in the 'science of cleaning'. And he definitely does not have a full head of blue hair.

Mr Muscle wears a white T-shirt, an gold earring and has a slightly homoerotic overtone. So this 'new' Mr Muscle better be gone soon.

And while I'm on the subject, Mr White used to freak me out as a child. Who could be that pale and wear completely white clothes all the time without a single stain to be seen? My mother may have accused Mr Rogers of potential kiddie fiddling but truly, Mr White had more of an ominous presence in my mind.

Anyways, I'm just lying about before getting ready to go to Camden. A few more finishing touches before meeting A for the TG party. I'm not the slightest bit nervous about all of this. As I have no idea what to really expect, so I can't worry about it. And being around people who don't know me doesn't worry me either – better to be around people who won't question why I'm so quiet.

Because I am quiet. I've been avoiding people for the most part since coming back from Nantes. And I'm happy to do so to be honest. I don't really want to talk to people about how I'm feeling because I don't even know myself.

I haven't sent the letter below. I still can't be sure if I miss him or being with him. I know that sometimes the loneliness overwhelms me and I feel quite miserable. And sometimes, I don't understand where this anger and irritability is coming from. I almost got in a fight in the street last night and I raged on some guy in a club a couple days ago.

I want to relax. I want to be happy. I don't want to be lonely. But it's not fair to put this all on L when he is so happy with his own life. I know in my heart that us breaking up was the best thing for him but I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone that I feel like that with again. It was all very platonic but I wish we still were as close as we used to be, even if it is the detriment of my other friendships.

And typically, Edinburgh boy felt the need to tell me he was in London earlier this week.

I don't want him anymore but I know he avoided me because of his MILF. Maybe I threw away something that could be very good but I feel like I don't want to play silly little games anymore. If it's not going to be wonderful, it's just not worth the confusion and disappointment in the beginning. At least I can thank L for reminding me of that.

A Letter to Someone Dear;

2008-10-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

Before I came to see you, I was scared. People filled my head with insecurities that I let get the better of me. I thought that all I wanted was to be your friend and I was worried that we'd ruin of our friendship, which has meant so much to me.

I almost canceled. Without going into too many details, I thought that maybe my path lead to somewhere else. Now I have never been more glad that I didn't go that direction and we got to spend some time together.

Because it just felt right to be with you. I enjoyed almost every minute of our time together – it was like we had never been apart. I missed being with someone who understands me so well and vice versa. I missed being silly with you and talking about all things.

There were times when I didn't enjoy myself and it only happened once on the second day but many more times on the last day. I would look at you and feel my emotions overcoming me; I would feel like crying because you're not mine anymore.

Watching you walk away out the bus window, all I could think was how very sorry I am I let you go once. And how I don't want this to be the last time I ever see you.

I can't believe how stupid I was to throw everything we had away. I was a dumb girl then and I guess I didn't realise just how lucky I was to have found you. I didn't know just how precious it is to be with someone who loves you despite all your lackings and feel the same about them.

I don't know how you feel. I don't know where you are in your own life. I don't know if you have someone special; if you do, then I wish you all the happiness in the world. I truly do – I guess that's what real love is all about.

I don't know what my feelings could mean. I've agonised if I miss you or I miss what we had. But you know what? I feel I miss you. I have never felt like that with anyone and I remember how much I was willing to give up for you once. And feel like I could do it all again if you felt the same way.

But I'm being smarter this time around. I know what I'm like and instead of taking a chance and ruining our friendship, I'm going to wait. I'm going to make myself wait a week before I send this to you. Because if this is all about just missing our closeness, you deserve better than that.

I don't think I will feel differently in a week though. I think in a week, I'll be ready to jump and try. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I let the best person I ever met walk out of it. Taking a chance and telling you how I feel may lead to heartache but that's too small price a pay for what could be everything I ever needed.

The futility of it all

2008-10-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

I had a bad night’s sleep. Nightmares came to get me once and I woke up hot and twisted into a corner. I woke up feeling tired and not ready to face the day.

Three buses went past me and as I waited to see if I could get on the fourth, I thought ahead. To the tube station and the interchange after that. All this waiting to get to a place I didn’t really want to go.

I felt bleak. I felt right back to where I had been before. And it scared me. I tried to give myself a shake – no man is worth going back there and it seemed to work.

But I still feel blue. And I’ve decided to give myself one day to wallow in my own self-pity. I think I deserve one day and hopefully tomorrow, the world will look better for having this time to reflect.

It just seems so unfair to me, this whole thing. I don’t meet a lot of people I feel that connection with. Yes, I know in the past I’ve gotten myself all worked up about some random fella without thinking it through. But I feel like I really had something with this one and it makes me feel so disappointed that it’s not going to work out.

And hurt. I’m really hurt by his behaviour. I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve to be treated this way.

It’s the worst part really. I’ve come to recognise a pattern within myself and I tried to work against it. To reach out to something that seemed right. And to have it thrown back in my face makes me question if I should. Perhaps I should have held back more but games are not worth my time.

In my darkest moments, I wonder if it has all been just an ego-stroke to him. But I don’t actually believe that’s true.

What I believe is that he’s scared. He’s been hurt and he’s scared of being back there again. Which I can understand but that doesn’t give anyone the right to disappear like that. Communication makes the world go round and at the moment, I’d gladly get off.

I've Got that Resigned Feeling

2008-10-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

Wayhey, and we're back online! Thank fuck for pilfered internet usage.

It hasn't been as long as last time I wrote but it does feel like some significant time has passed. Work's been really good, keeping busy with powerpoint presentations and learning about building media plans. The poor media trainee is still getting it in the ear but they seem to really like me, which is good for Dr Norf!

I think I'm going to take it easy this week and relax, I don't think I'm much up to entertaining right now. I went out with L and the mad German again on Friday, it was good fun but nothing extraordinary. I can't believe that's only a few weeks time until I see L again – I suppose it's a small miracle that my mind had been elsewhere lately.

As it stands, I'm thinking that it's over before it began with the Edinburgh fella. I'm really disappointed because I really liked this one and felt the feeling reciprocated for the first time in a long time. I swing between sad, angry and resigned. And slightly foolish as people told me he couldn't be relied on.

I'm having a resigned moment right now. I suppose it's best to know what he's like before anything else could develop. Also, do I want to be with someone so scared of being involved he can just ignore me like we hadn't been chatting all this time? That's bad form.

I sent him a jokey email earlier today but I'll be surprised if he answers it. One thing I am happy about is the way I acted through all of this: Maybe I let my feelings get a little out of hand but it's not even close to what I felt about the Kiwi. And unlike the ones that like me, I actually went out of my way to see if this would work.

Earlier today, I felt like writing off the whole male species for awhile. Taking time out because I've had so many disappointments in the last few years. But now I think, it's not really something that will get better with time. I've learned to say no when it doesn't feel right and I've tried when it does.

The next person I met will have to meet the criteria and hopefully, we won't live in different cities!

Men in Clubs

2008-09-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I don't like them at all. I already knew this for the most part but Friday just brought it home all the more.

Went out with the mad German I met awhile back and L, a friend of T-Bot's. There was something on at Hidden, a place I haven't been back to since the heady days of FreeFormation. What a night that was.

And even that night has a creepy memory of a guy getting too close without being invited. But T-Bot and I made short work of him – I'd like to think he thought twice about trying that move again.

Hidden was alright, a bit heavier and trancey than I like it but I had a good time. The mad German had some GHB and I decided to give it a go. It mixed well with the MDMA, gave me a boost of energy I needed on a Friday night but wasn't a long buzz. I've also read it's a floor solvent and I'm not really sure I want to be putting that stuff in my body.

The place was dead so we jumped into a cab at 1.30 and headed over to Ministry. It was a blast from the past – I haven't been back there since LCD Soundsystem and there was a reason for it. I just thought the place was full of young kids and the music wasn't top notch for the price paid.

But Friday it was alright. The crowd was a bit older and the tunes were pretty good. At one point, we were in the Babybox and the tunes were pumping. The main room was pretty good too – dirty and hard, very nice.

But the men. To my original point, I cannot think of one time I met a quality person in a club. Even the Albanian – sure he was a nice guy but if I had it to do again, I would've never seen him again after the first night.

The first instance started with these two guys that were dancing the mad German and I. One of them handed me a strange wrapped up thing and I shook my head. I know better than to take things offered to me by men. They took off soon after.

Awhile later we were dancing and these really scummy looking guys came up. I gave them my usual 'Thanks, not interested' look accompanied with hand up to say 'Stop'. But this little guy just wouldn't go away. He kept trying to get closer to the German who kept turning her back on him but he just kept following. I screamed in his face to fuck off and leave her alone but he still wouldn't go. Eventually I dragged her outside to have a ciggie, partly to give myself a chance to chill (as I really wanted to hit the little fucker) and to make him move on.

Much later I saw a girl on a stage, trying to get down but there was a guy that kept pulling on her arm to keep her up there. I patted her from the ground and asked if she wanted to get down. She was so messed up and muttered something at me but I couldn't understand. Eventually she gave up on me and went back to dancing but I hope she found her friends and got away from those guys.

The mad German told me she heard some guys outside saying to their mate that if he wanted a girl to kiss him, he should give her some MDMA.

I hate the predatory nature of men in clubs. I hate thinking that one day I could take a little too much and get attacked, unable to fight back. I hate that drugs and drinking makes them lose their inhibitions and think that they can harass women. I hate that they just won't leave you alone until you have to be really rude.

As we left around 5:30, I noticed that while a lot of the crowd was a bit older, they were what I would call 'caners'. People who don't do it enough or do it too much, I don't know the answer. People who do so much their eyes start to bug out and they start to resemble the living dead. Not a nice look.

Perhaps it's the name brand of the Ministry, it attracts all the people who aren't out just for the music. It attracts the predatory and horny men and the living dead. And to be honest, I don't know if I'll be going back. When I get high, I want to dance and have a good time - I don't want to spend it turning men down and watching my back.

Romantic Tingles Abound

2008-09-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've never got anything to say except for when it's a whine. And usually about a boy. It's okay though, it makes for funny reading later on.

I haven't stopped since SW4 and my eyes are paying the price. The dodgy left one has decided that dilating is just too much work. The head cold I've been fighting for the past three weeks has finally got up with me and I am in its evil clutches.

Went up to Edinburgh last weekend, what a beautiful city that is. I really love the old town and I'm surprised at how much these places resemble European cities. Parts of Dublin could've been transported to Spain (with rain included) and parts of Edinburgh could've been straight out of Prague.

The people up there were really great too. Not the same as the London crowd to be sure, but lovely warm people that were really welcoming. Felt like a right arse for turning into Ms Anti-Social due to extreme pain in the head. But came around after some kick ass pain killers and had a great night and the next day was nice too, wandering about and talking shite. I do love talking shite.

I had to turn down Mr Nice Guy in the end. He just wouldn't take a hint. I felt bad about it and I hope he can understand it's not where he comes from or anything like that. There's just no connection for me and I can't force it.

And then someone comes along that makes you ZING. And you realise 'Yes, this is what I was waiting for!' The barbed comments, the silliness, the desire just to look at them from afar. Flirting and having it reciprocated.

But it's never easy, is it? Nothing is easy anymore. What happened to the days when that magic just translated into something fun and it wasn't work? You didn't have to think about it, it just happened.

Perhaps it's because I'm getting older. And same for the men I'm attracted to. We come with baggage now and it's so much harder to leave behind. We've been hurt, we've hurt, and it's hard not to be scared. It's hard to rush in again.

I can't decide if I should just go for it and not worry about how much pain something has the potential to cause me. Because I can't live my life in fear of it happening again. It will stunt you and cut you off from enjoyment.

Is that wise though? Perhaps part of 'growing up' is not making the same mistakes twice and walking away from a dangerous situation before it has the potential to fuck up?

And all this thinking is not the way forward. Just do.

Not Good Enough Anymore

2008-08-30T03:33:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons I like getting high: It feels really good, I don't get sick often, I remain in control better than drinking, etc. And part of that and sometimes the best bit is being more aware of my actions and the consequences they will have.

A friend came in from out of town last night and we all went out and it was a pretty good vibe, considering. Lots of talking shite in the pub, making sure all were well and just having a nice chilled out time. After the pub closed, we hot-footed it back up to Chalk Farm where we just talked more until the wee hours.

There was a man, let's call him Mr Nice Guy – which he was, he was a very nice, smart guy. A friend of a friend, I already had a few issues with his crush on me. Being that I'm pretty sure I can't be with someone a friend of mine already has even if it was nothing serious between them, I just didn't know what I wanted to do about the situation. There was a lot of conflict in me as I chatted innocently enough with him, knowing what I did.

I tried to relate to him and give him some attention but I didn't feel comfortable with it and I figured it was just my issues with where he comes from. But then he said something that made me feel uneasy and I left it be after that and he soon went to bed.

As I said last night, I'm really proud of myself. I heard myself say aloud 'he is a nice guy' at one point and it made me pause. When was the last time I said that? L? B? There's a pattern and I recognize it but if I had been drinking perhaps it would have been a different story.

So yes, he's a lovely person and deserves to be loved by someone who will treat him right. But it's not me – I don't fancy him and just because he likes me is not reason enough anymore. That just leads to the same mess I get myself into with guys and I really don't want to do that again; I'd rather be on my own.

As I tucked in for a little kip, I realised that he didn't rate highly on my radar the first time I met him. Yes I thought he was a cutie and I was happy for my mate to have a nice FB, but that was about as far as it went for me. If possible, I'd like the next person I'm with to make my teeth sweat when they're nearby. To be nervous but a nice, eager kind of nervousness.

Maybe I'll have to wait but that's okay too.

A Recap of a Mad Festival

2008-08-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

The long weekend is almost over and it's been a good one. Went over to L's for some drinks and gossip on Friday night, it was fun to see the girls again. I behaved myself and was home and tucked up in bed by 1 am.

Because Saturday was SW4! I'm so glad we bought tickets beforehand; some of the tickets were going for up to hundred pounds! The boys got their tickets and into the line we went. It was actually a really good group of us with another mate of T-Bot's and mine coming along as well as a big gorgeous horse.

The first DJ I remember checking out was Miss Bliss from Faithless and she was really, really fantastic. Very uplifting and danceable tunes and dear Dr Norf decided she would take MDMA and a pill together – Not my smartest move but damn, it felt good.

We stayed in that tent til Digweed started on the main stage and while he was very dirty and deep (just the way I like it!), we lost some of that good time vibe we had in the tents. The wind kind of came out of everyone's sails after that, which is fair enough since the boys had been up since the day before.

But when Coxy came on, it went to a whole new level. He wasn't as heavy as that night at Heaven but he was bloody brilliant and you couldn't help but dance along. We met a bunch of lovely people and danced and danced and danced. When it was finally all over, you could still hear the music in your head.

Had a quick drink then headed back to the castle to relax. All in all, I couldn't ask for a more perfect day. To be honest, only flashes remain with me but they're all great flashes and I can't wait for next year.

So nothing happened with the ridiculously good looking kiwi and I think now it's not going to. I think we've moved into the 'friend' place and I'm mostly okay with that. He's got this amazing plan to travel across Europe and Asia by motorbike next year on his way back to Kiwiland and I'm sure he's not looking for anything serious in the meantime. I know I would end up getting hurt by allowing myself to get involved in any way with him and it's best just to let it go.

But I'm hurt by his behaviour towards me at the same time. While he called me his friend and we shared a few laughs and boogies, he didn't really talk to me like everyone else. I caught him watching me intently a few times while I bopped around like a fool but that was it. And back at the house, eventually he began ignoring me when I asked him direct questions. I want to believe it was sleep deprivation but it still hurt either way.

We're off to the Carnival today and it's going to be a beautiful day. I miss T-Bot up in the midlands and it'll be great to hang out again. Then back to work but the next few weekends are going to be heavy so I won't have too much time to think, I've managed to save some money this month and I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. It's all good.

Something that’s been Bothering me Lately

2008-08-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

Well, lots of things really. But here’s something in particular. Is it just me?

I walk around and I look at people, coming and going about their daily lives. I know logically that they have fears, hopes and concerns just like I do. They have people they love, people they dislike. They go to their jobs and their lives and have their own personal life experiences that are completely different from my own.

I don’t buy it.

Like I said, logically I can get my head around it. But emotionally I just feel like they’re empty vessels moving past me on the sidewalk of life. Why? I have no idea but it is most disconcerting.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really thought about it before like this. I mean, when I’m in a relationship or dealing with a friend, I always try to imagine myself in their position before putting a bad step. It just makes sense to imagine how you would want to be treated before dealing with others.

But is true empathy beyond me? I feel so… Hell, I don’t even know but it is tripping me out a little. I have a hard time viewing anyone I see on the street or on the tube as anything other than a mannequin before me, listless and vague.

Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I’ve noticed the ‘Empty Face Syndrome’ recently? Just minding my own business on my way to work one day, I noticed how everyone keeps their face completely expressionless when travelling along. Not just avoiding eye contact but purposely keeping their faces as slack and remote as a mask.

It’s slightly creepy to watch en masse: Everyone drifting with the movement of the train, nothing to see out the black windows and these zombies all around you. No voices, everyone’s eyes glued to a book or some random infinite point before them. And I’m not watching as an observer: I do it as well.

Is it modernism? Is it escapism? Is it the by-product of people forced to adapt to sharing space with strangers?

I don’t presume to know but I know that it makes me a little sad every time I take the time to notice.

You only get the Love you think you Deserve.

2008-08-16T03:54:00.000-07:00

It's so true, isn't it? I mean, we only get what we put up with.

Perhaps it all goes back to where we come from. How we learn to view ourselves and what we feel we deserve. Abusive relationships seem to grow out of abusive homes. So many broken people walking around, looking for something or someone to complete them.

So we can grow and see the patterns forming when it comes to our romantic lives but cannot help but make the same mistakes again and again. How sad is that really? The best thing we've got going for us is our thought process and we're not even capable of changing our behaviors when we see an obvious flaw.

I look at couples and can't imagine myself being in a relationship again. Dealing with all the disagreements and boredom and resentment. Putting someone else's feelings before my own and thinking longterm. The loss of personal identity that seems to happen as soon as you enter willingly into another relationship.

But at the same time, I yearn. I long for someone to laugh with and share my day. A warm body to hug in the night, someone to tell all of my little stories to as they occur. To walk down the road of life and have a hand to hold onto, knowing that there is someone who cares enough to be there.

Am I going to do it again? Am I going to fall in gratitude for the first person who wants to spend time with me? Am I going to wake up from the glow in three months time and realise that again, I am in the sticky situation of not knowing if it's meant to be or it's just my own selfishness?

I wish I could know. I wish I could be stronger and wiser. I wish I could learn from my mistakes and say with all honesty that I won't allow these things to happen again. But I can't.

And that person that invades my thoughts anytime I let them – what of him? I asked recently if I can enter into something like I had with R again without getting hurt. I guess you don't know til you're there but I'm sure that I'll just go and fall for him. And be heartbroken. Is the brief moment of happiness worth the uncertainty and pain that is sure to follow?

I just don't know. And that's the hardest part – not knowing. That's a universal thing isn't it? No one would enter into a relationship if they could see the outcome.

A Wake Up Call

2008-08-10T02:12:00.000-07:00

Ah, is there anything better than coffee and ciggies for breakfast and a whole day spread out before you? It's a bit chilly but at least it's not wet. Yet. This is London after all.

Going out with my American friend in a little while; I love hanging out with him. It's funny to think of how shy and reserved he used to be. Perhaps the brief foray to Dublin helped his confidence levels or maybe he's just grown more into his skin but he's always a good laugh now.

Weekend's been a good one. Y and I got a couple drinks in before heading down to my mate's night in Souf London. There was a couple ideas in my head: catch the last tube, crash at hers in Acton or meet someone.

Yes, I am a hussy. I've made my peace with it and so should you.

Unfortunately no one was there and a rare moment of drink-induced bravery, I was convinced to don a t-shirt and wave my belly at anyone who walked by to entice them inside. Why people actually going in after I finished my display is just a coincidence I'm sure.

Got a bit worse for wear and met a very nice boy. I say he was a nice boy as I don't remember much when we got back to his and I know he didn't take advantage of that situation. Kudos to him I say! I count myself lucky I didn't leave with the wrong guy and if I see him again, a thank you is in order I think.

I'm actually a bit frightened of my obvious alcohol-abuse and flippant regard to my personal safety. It's been awhile since I lost a part of the evening and I know I was very, very drunk. I know someone tried to convince me to stay but I was beyond the point of caring.

I don't want to be like that. I want to conscious of the decisions I make and the repercussions those choices have. I know at one point I had no idea what was happening and was completely out of control – I should be old and strong enough not to allow those situations to arise.

So now, I think I'm going to thank my lucky stars that I got away without something bad happening and try not to let it happen again. I clearly know when I'm getting bad as I remember ordering and drinking water. I think next time, I'll just stick with the water at that stage. And remember this feeling of loss of control and dignity.

Here's hoping anyways....

The Blame Game

2008-07-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

On my way into work this morning, I came across a copy of The Sun. For those North Americans amongst us, it's basically just a bunch of crap tabloid news with some nekkid ladies thrown in. But something grabbed my attention:

'I'll Find Pal Who Gave 'E' To Amy'

Wha???? In this article, Amy Wineo's father claimed that his daughter's recent trip to the hospital was due to someone slipping an extasy pill in her drink and causing her convulsions.

Okay, wait just a second here. Firstly, taking pills is rarely lethal – the most that happens is people pass out from exhaustion or dehydration, which is related but doesn't mean that the drug kills. You have more chance of death by midget trampling* than an extasy overdose so claiming that it's deadly is just talking out of your arse.

Which leads me to my second point: I'm pretty sure no one gave Amy that pill without her knowing. You know why I can make that claim? Because she is a DRUG ADDICT. Most likely, she asked for it.

To me, this feels more like a mirror for the way we are in society these days. How we're desperate to see others' misery, even at the expense of dignity. How we view our children through rose-tinted goggles that miss the truth.How we're always happy to pass the buck onto someone else.

Amy Winehouse is a great artist, no question. She has a lot of talent and a BIG voice. She could really make a profitable and longterm career. I'll make a big claim and say she could possibly be the Aretha Franklin of our generation.

But the way she's going now, she's set to be the next Janis Joplin.

Firstly, when did we become so obsessed with celebrities that have gone off the rails? I don't remember this from my youth, it seems to be a throughly modern condition. Is it perhaps we are so unhappy with our own lot – most of us not finding marriage, good jobs or homes in our 20's and 30's – that we crave seeing it mirrored in our higher ranks? After all if there wasn't a market, the media wouldn't give it to us.

And perhaps this is also the reason why our children are so fucked up. We give them these unrealistic visions of their future, with everyone being special and full of so much untapped potential to change the world. We build them up, thinking that they can go further than us but not every child can be extraordinary. Someone gotta clean the streets after all...

And finally, we have no responsibility for our actions anymore. The blame game goes round and round and where it stops no one knows. I think it's down to the parents raising their children, they blame the schools, the schools blame the parents and everyone blames the government.

It's just a little too easy, you know?

*okay maybe I made that statistic up.

He likes her but she likes his friend who likes someone else

2008-07-26T05:12:00.001-07:00

Waiting for the night bus last night, I was mightily pissed off. Partly because I knew it would take at least thirty minutes to get home (actual time 1 hour) and why is it we can invent tiny little microchips capable of handling infinite amounts of data but teleportation is still beyond us? Beam me up Scotty.

But also because why should it be my responsibility to make sure things that shouldn't happen don't happen? The onus shouldn't be on me, I'm the single one. I'm the one who doesn't have to be responsible for anyone else's feelings.

It was also mentioned to me that perhaps I was being viewed as a conquest for someone's much-needed confidence. I'm very sorry but I am no one's ego boost.

It was all one mixed up bag of pheromones and alcohol really. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm a little wiser that I managed to keep myself out of trouble.

I watched this couple that were waiting with me at the stop. They were giggling and leaning in close, succumbing to their lust after awhile. I watched and wondered 'does he love her?' 'Does she really like him or does she like that he likes her?' 'Is it possible to attain a real love for our modern, cynical and self-obsessed generation?'

Our parents and their parents' before them married younger. Only fifty percent of those marriages are still standing today. Is it better to wait or to grow together?

I think we all deserve better. The girls deserve to be with men that treat them like the amazing gifts that they are. The men deserve to be worshiped by their woman and to be treated the same.

Is it possible? Is this unrealistic?

I guess it sounds a little like 'storybook love' and we all know that love isn't a all-singing production from your favourite musical. It's about compromise and picking your battles; about the domestics that get in the way and learning that you can love someone with all your heart and still not like them very much.

And the couple at the bus stop? He walked away and left her there at 1 am. That made me even angrier.

The Next Chapter

2008-07-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

Well here we are at another birthday. Twenty eight, who'd have thought I'd make it this far?

I had a quick read through of my life story from last year and it sounds like I'm in a better place. Same person with a few more nicks and scratches but still weaving and dodging looking for that all mighty KO.

I'm feeling a lot better than my last posting – what a state I was in that day! I still want to be home but after reviewing, perhaps I can stick it out a few more years if I make sure I go home twice a year. It's worth it if the job turns out alright.

And a month in and I'm pretty happy overall. It sounds like there's going to be a lot more pushed at me as time goes on and I want that. Media planning: Doesn't sound like the most exciting job but in it's own way, it is quite interesting. And it's got that human aspect that I've really been missing out on.

Love life, meh. What love life more like. But it's okay though; after meeting L to give him his stuff back the other day and having one of those moments of 'what was I thinking???', I feel it's best to hang out in the back and try to be on my own for a bit.

Summer's great for being single no?

And really, I've got so much to do now and trying to keep it all under budget will be tough enough without the complications of a relationship. I want to start traveling again, even if it's just little weekend breaks. See all those places that I won't have such easy opportunity when I'm back in Canada. Venice, Marseilles, Morocco, oh my!

After the emotional train-wreck I was for the first couple days back and then off to the wilds of the midlands, I'm looking forward to some R&R this weekend. Perhaps see the Mouse but that's about all plans.

So where are we at 28? Plodding along, looking forward cautiously and trying to remember that tube poster: 'If you don't like your life, change it.'

If Home is where the Heart is...

2008-07-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

Then mine is breaking.

Just home from a better flight in which I got some room and slept a little. My body clock thinks it's early morning and I've slept for exactly three hours. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so fragile.

Where is that happy girl of two weeks ago who had nothing but good thoughts? She was a chump.

I wish I had never gone home. No, I really don't wish that but I do wish that happiness was still in my life. I feel alone. Miserable. Scared. Sad, so unbelievably sad.

I don't want to be here anymore. What is here for me compared to what is at home? I miss my family so much it hurts. I'm scared for my parents and I'm scared that something worse will happen before I can get back.

I can't stop crying. But at least I made it back to the flat before total waterworks started. My mom is so small. I miss her so much right now I would give anything to be back.

This isn't my home, what am I even doing here? I don't want to belong here, I want to be home with my family. Vancouver can be such a great city and life there could be better than this ever could.

So it's decided. Charlie the cat is getting his passport sorted when I get paid at the end of the month. I think that takes six months to go through and then we'll see where we are. I know that this job could mean great things if I can stick with it and the savings would really hope when I get home.

But even a year feels so long. It stretches out before me like an eternity and i don't know if I'm up to the challenge.

And what's the point of being in a place that doesn't make you happy? What's the point of wasting our lives? As far as we can possibly know, we only get one chance on this merry-go-round and I just don't see the point of staying somewhere that isn't right.

And this isn't right for me anymore. There is nothing for me here that equals one ounce of the happiness I felt at home.

My State of Mind

2008-07-07T11:28:00.001-07:00

Back home for almost 24 hours, I’m waiting for the grandparents to come over and we’re going for lunch.

The flight was bad, customs was worse and the headcold has made for a very foggy first day. But the dinner has been done and I’m starting to feel like a human being again this morning.

I tried to take the dog for a walk but she doesn’t trust me enough yet to come with me more than 50 yards from the homestead. I don’t really blame her to be honest. So I had to go without her.

I wandered around the neighborhood, listening to the peace and quiet, before finding a little path that led into a small wooded area. It looked pleasant so I moseyed down the path and into prime BC beautifulness.

It’s weird for me here. It makes me homesick even though I’m home, if that makes any sense. I really wish I had decided to take more time, regardless of the financial constraints. As I looked out over the Fraser and towards the mountains, I wondered to myself what is so important in London that I gave all of this up.

When I am in London, I always say I’ll go back to Vancouver at some point but in my heart, I don’t really believe it. I suppose that I’ve gotten so used to being there that being anywhere else is kind of unbelievable. And it’s not that I don’t like London; I love my life there and all the things the city has to offer.

But now I realize that there’s a big piece of me that belongs here in Canada. While I feel a little out of place in the wilderness, I know that feeling would fade in time and I would be left with an incredible appreciation for the evergreens and ferns after living in the metropolis for so long.

So now I think in a couple more years’ time, I can happily come back here to live. Get some great experience in media, save some dosh, come back and live happily here after being abroad for so long.

In a way, it kind of feels good that there is something calling me here. Maybe there was a bit of me that felt scared about my futile promises to return, not knowing if I could ever find my way here again.

But I think I could. And now I feel like there’s a clock in my head, telling me that my time in London is about to start running out. It’s almost time to come home again.

I'm an Ass

2008-07-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Why? Well there are many reasons. But chief among them that I am home. With no presents.

I have been very busy the last few days. I had a chance to meet up with K, my old friend that I haven't seen since her mother passed away. I wanted to give her time and it looks like it was the best thing. We had a great catch up.

Then I saw T-Bot at hers briefly yesterday with a chance encounter with the ridiculously good looking Kiwi. That man is so good looking he should come with a warning label. WARNING – EXTREME HEARTACHE AHEAD.

But I got to beat a hasty retreat.

Today I was supposed to do many things and some of them are done. The cat is sorted, Canadian money has been bought along with travel adapter. But alas, all the good intentions....

I was supposed to buy my family presents this evening. I won't have much time tomorrow if I want to catch some of Hed Kandi with T and the crew. It's just too much.

I had a major breakdown of the ol' brainbox while trying to figure out what to get my brother. It's sad that I don't know him well enough to know what to buy him for a graduation present. I guess I could try to use this time to get to know him...

But that doesn't help me now. I went to Espirit, thinking maybe I could buy him and my mother some clothes. But all I found was stuff I wanted.

Met P for an impromptu do drink and a natter. After that, I had an idea! Camden! A nice watch for my brother and some jewelery for mother and nan. Success! But then in a fit of indecision, I walked back and forth four times.

Before deciding to buy myself the things I wanted from Espirit. Oh Dr Norf, you are selfish!

Got the train back and decided I'm too ill to go to Camden now. Somehow, I'll fit it in tomorrow.

While I'm super excited and happy to be going home for a break, the stress of it may kill me.

Just a Thought

2008-07-01T12:58:00.001-07:00

I'm very lucky. I have my health, all working limbs, a good job, a happy home and a lot to look forward to in life. But the most important thing I have is people who care about me.

My family is far away. I know they love me but they really don't know much about my life. That's probably my fault for not calling more often but it's hard to keep them in the loop when they're so far removed.

So as an adaptable creature, I've formed a new family here in London. Various little pockets of friends spread far and wide that I can reach out and touch. Via email, text, phone or good ol' face to face interaction.

Some of those friends have gone on to their next adventures and I wish them well though I miss them. Nothing is static in this life and it shouldn't be I feel; we should support and love each other even when our lives take us in different directions.

I can't even really describe how grateful I am for all the people I know here. I feel in a way, kind of blessed. Any time of day or night, I know that support and caring is only a quick call away. When I'm feeling down, I know that there's someone out there that will listen. And vice versa, I love when I can be there for a friend. Or when I'm feeling good, I know that there are plenty of people in this city that will be glad to share it with me.

London can be a lonely place. Sometimes you can feel totally isolated in a crowd and wonder what it is that you're doing here. But if you can remember one face of a friend, I think you should count yourself lucky.

Choices

2008-06-28T02:12:00.000-07:00

They hard to make. Well duh.

I suppose I should just spit it out – I split up with L this week. I was so horribly miserable when I was with him but when I wasn't, I felt like he was a great guy and I should be thankful that he cares for me so much.

It was like having two relationships. One was the one when I didn't see him and I thought about the good times we had had. There were plenty. And I felt really lucky that I had a guy that was supportive and caring.

Then I would know I had to see him and my mood would plummet. I would feel my 'fake smile' creep up on my face and I would feel tense, not in a good way. Everything about him would annoy me; the way he spoke, the way he moved, if he touched me.

We went for dinner and I cried in desperation in the toilets. I looked at myself in the mirror and berated myself for continuing to do this. Then I went back to the table and tried to talk to him. But what could I talk to him about? If I said anything I was bothered about, I got the 'Why you worry?'

I said to him I wished I was alone. He got mad. And wouldn't look at me. And me, the coward, I tried to take it back. But he was done with me and I don't blame him.

As I walked away from him, I knew that I could've gone back. I could see him in the car and knew I could've made him forget about it and stay together.

Turning the corner was so hard. But as soon as I did it, I felt relief. I felt like it was for the best for both of us.

Now I have my good moments and my bad. Mostly good though. He deserves to be with someone who loves him because he is a great person. And I truly never did. I liked him for a long while but once I realised that I wasn't going to love him, I tried to drive him away from me by being nasty. And when that didn't work, I stayed away.

Most of me knows it's for the best. But there is this one little nagging bit that keeps making me miss him and wonder if I made a mistake. It's not enough for me to pick up the phone but I guess it will be a little while before it goes away.

So I made a choice and it's done. Now is the time for me to be happy and concentrate on making my life make me happy. And I'm getting there; I'm enjoying my new job, going swimming, spending time with friends and generally just keeping busy. Life will bring what it will and I'm going to be okay.